#and i drank which means if i feel sad its times ten so thats fucking great

[a-dash-in-the-middle]

Never going clubbing with the ppl who are friends and i just met them cuz how is this the loneliest???

[vibrant-goddess]

yeah im drinking a bit at 130am i have to be at work in five hours but im SAD and i hate my coworkers and im gonna stay up and feel like shit all week so you know fuck it im gonna bitch about it on main bc im tired of giving a fuck about what people think of me and im not putting it under the cut because i seriously dont fucking care

i shoulda bought more cigarillosi havent fucking smoked in seven years like my parents found my cigars when i was a baby adult and yelled at me so i tossed them and never looked back

except now i live on my own in a tiny shitty room that is cheap enough for me to pay off my student loans real fucking fast living with two extremely adorable dogs(they’re my roommates) who dont like being petted so what even are they good for except dragging in dead animals all the fucking time and leaving hair everywhere literally i had to stop baking for my coworkers because no matter how clean i was i ALWAYS FOUND MORE FUCKING FUR but its fine because i don’t like these coworkers anyways

like i know i work in tech but what are the fucking chances that my team would be four white blonde guys(at least two are blue eyed) in their early thirties and then me like what the FUCK and i still have two more months with these fuckers. i have to figure out how to survive eight more weeks with these people who don’t like or respect me. i feel like a goddamn token minority hire and it makes me want to quit. like, just straight up two weeks notice i don’t give a FUCK about completing the rest of my work i don’t give a FUCK about helping this team i don’t give a FUCK about this work assignment my coworkers are so fucking dismissive and passive aggressive AT BEST and whiny turds at worst. i hate coming in at 630 and leaving at 345 without taking a lunch so my work has gotten like 10 extra hours of work for me thats literally, after tax, another student loan payment.

im so fucking miserable here. this town is so fucking small. theres nothing to do here except spend twenty dollars to go to tea except i have to do it myself bcause i dont know how to fucking interact wioth people

and then i thought this month oh ill try to get people i like together for halloween movies at my house except my house is a disaster because my roommate doesnt know how to fucking clean her shit up

literally her dogs shit on the couch and she took hours to do a half assed job of cleaning up. i cleaned the table, the kitchen, the floors, everything, and within two weeks she covered the newly cleaned surfaces with her shit. and like, its like pulling teeth to even get her to move her shit from the dryer after a MONTH so i know any sort of cleaning isn;t going to get done by her

like i thought leaving my parents house would make things so much better i thought the distance would allow me to finally live like an adult, but im essentially living the same fucking life, overextended by my responsibilities, depressed to the point of ideation, too anxious to talk to anyone, except now i have quadruple the bills, still no fucking s/o because apparently im totally unfuckable like even this fucking loser from target ghosted me, and my parents passive aggressively text me everyday because i don’t update them all the time on my THRILLING life that consists of a nine hour work day, three hours of studying for a professional exam that my work won’t pay for, and two hours of costume shit based on a character in a game series i don’t even fucking like for a party im not even going to attend 

and like the obvious answer is drop the costume shit, block your parents for a couple weeks, and go to therapy. i hurried i RUSHED to get my own health insurance so i could finally finally get therapy, only to find out that if my work finds out im getting therapy theyll block any chance at promotion and in this small shitty town there are ten total therapists in a sixty mile radius, only two of which specialize in the CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) except one is a dude and the other does christian counseling and i fucking refuse to interact with religion i dropped any pretense of religion four years ago and im not fucking going back and if you even FUCKING mention it to me i stg so i guess i have to take my chances with the dude

god i dont want to go to work tomorrow but ive p consistently taken a day off every two weeks and im trying to save up my leave for when i want to just fucking ditch out for a week next year after i pay off my student loans

like EVERYTHING WAS SUPPOSED TO BE BETTER ONCE I MOVED. i told myself oh everything will be better once i transfer except it wasnt i got even more stressed and felt more pressure. i told myself oh everything will be bettwe once i graduate except not only was it not but i hit the worst period of my life after graduating i couldn’t socialize i couldn’t speak i just laid on the floor of my childhood room crying and cutting myself because i couldn’t functgion because life didnt have purpose anymore. i told myself oh everything will be better once i move out once im away from the environment tht made me sick BUT GUESS WHAT TUMBLR the FUCKING ENVIRONMENT THAT MADE ME SICK WAS ME. GUESS WHAT I’M THE TOXIC PRESENCE IN MY LIFE. GUESS WHAT YOU CAN’T RUN AWA FROM YOUR OWN BRAIN.

im so fucking tired of trying im so tired of waiting for things to get better i keep trying things i did cbt on my own for months and it did nothing i drank a lot for a month and it did nothing but make me pee a lot i smoked again and it didn’t help i start cutting again and it did nothing like the only vice i have is eating except to pay off my student loans asap my food budget got stripped so i cant even do that and im just. im so fucking tired of this. im tired of throwing money at my student loan app. im tired of having no room besides my bed so i have to cut fabric while laying under my bed because there no room for me and my cutting mat. im tired of spending every weekend studying my fe study materials for an exam to get a certification my work doesn’t care about whatsoever. im tired of not feeling excited about anything. this is usually my favorite month of the year and i havent done a single fall activity. i dont know why the only person in this stupid city who likes me is the dude who realized im the only single black girl in the city and therefore has decided to make it his mission to try to wear me down so he can fuck me. im tired of working in a team where i have to be the voice of all women all black people and all queer people. im tired of having to either report my comings and goings to my parents from two hundred miles away when they don’t pay for any of my shit(in fact, i pay for some of their shit and they still demand updates like they’re entitled to my fucking life) hold on im getting another drink

and like if i want to even be considered one of the team i have to perform to perfection better than the other fuckers on the team whic means i have to show up before the earliest arriver and leave after my boss leaves and i still gotta do all my personal shit and i cant take a lunch and im UFKCKING SICK OF IT. the other team in our open office is a million times more diverse, they actually communicate and discuss shit. their boss is a woman and they occasionally have women on their team on assignment. they spent an hour debating and charting pizza topping preferences so they could order pizza together. meanwhile, my team cant even be assed to actually ask me a question. 

i dont fucking want to go to work tomorrow. i dont want to fucking go back to this team ever again. my boss offered me a permanent position and i didnt know how to tell him that i hate this team and i cant wait to leave and mute the team server forever and if my next assignment didnt require an additional security thing(DESPITE THE FACT THAT I’VE NEVER STEPPED OUT OF LINE MY ENTIRE FUCKING LIFE I HAD GOOD HS ATTENDANCE I PARTICIPATED IN CLUBS I GOT A FUCKING NATIONAL AWARD I VOLUNTEERED WITH A CHRISTIAN CHURCH I PARTICIPATED IN CLUBS AND STUDENT ORGS IN COLLEGE I DIDNT DRINK A SIP OF ALCOHOL UNTIL I WAS 21 I DIDN’T SMOKE UNTIL I WAS 18 I NEVER TRIED ANY DRUGS NOT EVEN WEED IN FACT THE MOMENT DRUGS WERE PRESENT IN MY SOCIAL CIRCLES I LEFT THOSE SOCIAL CIRCLES AND NEVER LOOKED BACK I NEVER COMMITTED ANY CRIMES I NEVER ASSOCIATED WITH ANYONE WHO DID CRIMES IVE NEVER LEFT THE COUNTRY AS AN ADULT I LITERALLY HAVE THE BACKGROUND OF SOMEONE WHO SPENT 25 YEARS SITTING IN A ROOM EATING SALTINES AND STARING AT A WALL UNTIL I STARTED WORKING) that is taking fucking forever despite my perfect background i would have left this assignment early AND i would have given them excellent documentation when i went.

im so fucking tired. im tired of everything.

[queermequeeryou]

Chapter 3

Nevada has not seen Christina for three days and like always, she did not give her any sign that she is even alive. Also as usual, Nevada refused to seek contact. Maybe she felt a little bit ashamed of her emotional message to Christina because they were never that open with feelings before. When a week passed, Frankie was having doubts if she will ever see the woman of her life again. She was trying to focus on her doctorate but it was barely possible to even attend already postponed meetings with tutors. When she went for the meeting with professor Dellayune, she decided that she has to speak with somebody.  “I know that you prefer to stay on a professional side but I don’t know with whom should I talk about it” she started in a worried tone and Ellen immediately realised that Frances really needs her. “What’s going on?” she interlocked her own hands and looked towards Frankie. “It’s about Christina. That brunette woman that...” “I know which one, I remember her” Ellen stopped her because she was feeling indifferent to hear about it again at the university. “I love her. I could do anything for her and I mean, for years we’re like lovers with a strange bond that none of us can explain. Neither her husband who knows about it all but pretends like everything is okay, he even tries to be nice for me but sometimes he tries to show me his advantage... Okay, doesn't matter. The point is that she disappeared for a week now and she used to do this, right. She was nowhere to be found for few days but not that long and also. Well.. I sent her a message. I told that I need to talk with her. We were never like this. Emotions is our border topic. A no topic. I think I could scare her away and I can’t stand the thought of not seeing her again.” Ellen sighed. “Have you called her or messaged?” her tone was very serious and caring but it was not all that. There was something else. “No. We have this unwritten rule that none of us is pressuring. When we want each other, we go to each other”. “But you want her now and you can’t go to her. How come? I mean, have you gone to her house or something?” Ellen could not take her eyes off Frankie. Nevada felt something strong and sharp in her heart that gave her some bitter taste somewhere around that area. “No and I don’t wanna. You see, Ellen, I am afraid that she is maybe with her husband now at home” she looked down on the floor trying to avoid Ellen’s look. “My god, but you would now something. Wouldn’t you like to know if that’s even worth waiting?” asked Ellen emotionally but not impatiently nor irritated.  “I don’t know. Maybe, I’m just avoiding the truth and I should move on. She’s hurting me. I can't be in this fucking throuple or threesome or whatever with her and her husband forever. I need to be appreciated and loved and exclusive.” Frankie almost cried, she was shaken. Ellen took her hair back and stroked her cheek.  “You are a wonderful woman and you deserve the best” said Ellen and kissed her. “Now, let’s get back to your thesis. We have to do something done.  She smiled to Frankie and she stroked Ellen’s hand. They got back to working.

~*~

After the doctorate meeting, Frankie asked Ellen if they maybe can grab a coffee and chat a little more because he did not want to stay alone with her thoughts again. They were just talking and enjoying time together until a message notification came to Nevada. She excused herself and looked at her phone. It was from Christina. 

~*~

Ellen’s upset face remained with Frankie for a while when she was driving her old vintage car towards Sachs mansion. She was trying not to overthink. Christina was not contacting with her for ten days and just after one message saying that she is waiting for Frankie, the younger girl stopped what she was doing and get into the car. She knew she should not let herself be trapped in this but she could not resist. She was in love and nothing could stop her at this time from being vain. Well, maybe there was one thing but she did not let it mislead her this time. She parked her car in the lot and went inside. Christina was bringing the food on the table. She turned herself towards Frankie. “Hey” she said simply in her always flirty tone and this same sight that was able to get one knocked off one’s feet.  Frankie did not say a thing, she just kissed Christina with rage and passion at the same time. “I see you’re angry” realised Christina without a care in her voice. “What’s going on?” “I was worried”. “Oh my goodness, we are sleeping together for what... five years now? Or six. I thought that you know me. Why were you worried?” every word was hurting Frankie more and more. Nevada held Christina’s face gently and put her hair behind her ear. They have never done it. It was emotional and Frankie saw scare in her lover’s eyes but then her facial expression changed and she finally assured herself that there was more than physical attraction from Christinea’s side. Nevada was always thinking it is but right now, she realised that all her thought about Christina being scared of love were true. The older woman held her hand and let herself and kissed her. Differently. It was finally what Frankie has always wanted to feel when Christina was putting her lips on hers.  “I need to tell you something, baby.” started Christina and Nevada realised her heart was beating stronger and louder. “My husband will be joining as for dinner tonight. “I need to use the toilet” replied Frankie and went there. She was crying inaudibly. The tears were just coming down with all the bitterness she was overwhelmed by.  Christina leaned on the table and closed her eyes for a while. She was not ready but she hated herself for hurting Frankie. They will never be together on the terms Nevada deserved but Christina could not live without her but it was to hard to digest for her. It was too much expression anyway. Brunette took a tiny package with white powder from the drawer and prepared some on the plate. She took one sniff to each nose hole and now she was not crying, just her eyes were bloody red and watering. She went upstairs to her garderobe and fixed that with make up.

~*~

Henry Sachs came home around 8 and they all sat at the table to eat. Henry was in a great mood, being nice without any rivalry in his voice. Maybe his transactions went well and he made lots of money. That would be an explanation fitting him the most.  “This salad is perfect, my dear.” he complemented her wife and she smiled a bit peculiarly.  “May we have some wine now?” he asked after the dish and Christina brought one. Frankie stood up to help Christina and Henry as well but he just laughed politely.  “Go on, Frankie.” said Henry putting his hand on Frankie’s shoulder. It was quite ridiculous but Nevada was too tired to complain. They started drinking and went to the salon to sit on the sofa as Henry suggested. “I think you’re a great woman Frankie. I don’t know how Chris would go on without your help. And I also think you would be great at business. You’re doing your PhD now, aren’t you?”  “Well, yes. I mean, I’d doing a doctorate on economics but I was never a leader of a company. I bet it’s different.” replied Frankie feeling the sparkle already as everybody else. “Frankie but you know I’ve been the CEO for like 20 years now and I don’t have even master’s degree. So, you should be really appreciated”. said Henry and clapped his hands. “I think she is appreciated.” broke suddenly Christina and took Frankie’s hand.  She started to massage it. “I think you both appreciate each other properly and for that I’m very happy, so to speak”. said Henry and sipped some more wine.  “Your wife is an incredible woman, it couldn’t be fair any other way” said Frankie looking into Christina’s eyes. She finally understood what brunette was up to. It made her feel disgusted but she also wanted it for her. Frankie kissed Christina’s hand and then looked briefly towards Henry. He loosened his tie and drank more wine. Christina moved on towards Frankie, sad on her knees facing the younger woman and kissed her passionately on the lips. Then she moved her hand closer to her husband and rubbed his arm. He rubbed it back. Christina turned her face towards Henry and kissed him while Frankie was having her on the knees still also trying to figure out what kind of the kiss was that. It was quite blind and strange or so she hoped. Christina moved her hand under Frankie’s shirt while kissing her now. Henry stood up and unzip his wife’s dress. Frankie took off his tie with one expressive movement. Henry looked suggestively towards the stairs. They went to the bedroom. Frankie was only thinking about avoiding this fucked up man putting anything into her but it was still as bad as it could be. Looking at Henry inside Christina made her wanna vomit so she was drinking during that moments. Anyway, she came into a strange realisation that felt like Christina’s strange way of saying something. When Henry was fucking her, it looked like blindness was in their eyes and that was just not right. Nevada has always thought that their sex is just a passion without not much feelings but she realised that she might be wrong and that Christina probably gives something more into that. It was still the strangest night of Frankie’s life. Even stranger were Henry’s eyes when he asked her to stay with them tonight. He hugged her like a child. On the other side of the bed was Christina who was kissing her on the neck for a little while before she fell asleep. Nothing could be more peculiar than this night. 

[dimsumdamsel]

92 truths that you dont really need to know about me but im gonna tell you anyway ! !

rules: once you have been tagged you are supposed to write 92 truths about yourself. at the end, choose 25 people to tag!

tagged by: @slavshiro ohoo THANK YOU ILY

LAST… [1] drink: water [2] phone call: my mom just called me to tell me to turn the stove on [3] text message: the love of my life, sonia!!! [4] song you listened to:  말이야 (I Mean That) by CLC!!! quality song  [5] time you cried:  dec 8 when i thought i only got 10/60 on my calc final cause i had an anxiety attack in the middle of it and called my cousin on her birthday and cried to her about being worthless and how my parents deserve a better daughter, one more like my successful brother :^) i havent cried since then because im even more dead than ive ever been :^)

HAVE YOU EVER… [6] dated someone twice: nope, i dont want to relive any of my past relationships; i mean it ended for a reason so? but maybe for a future relationship if it comes to it?? theres still an extremely low chance of it happening though lol  [7] been cheated on: not that i know of but probably not [8] kissed someone and regretted it: ksjngkejrnkgne yeah, elementary school with isaiah mike lmao what a mistake  [9] lost someone special: mmmm not recently  [10] been depressed: i’m honestly not sure– like its not bad enough to where i would need medicine but i do feel down, empty, and find it hard to be happy a lot?? its mostly cause of school but baHhhhahaH yikes dog pictures never fail to cheer me up though [11] gotten drunk and thrown up: im a good girl, i dont plan on drinking until im legally allowed to lmao even than, i probably would still be reluctant 

LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLOURS: [12] orange (orange clothes are ugly though) [13] cream / white !  [14] dark blues ! 

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU… [15] made new friends: sweats honestly no, i havent made any new friends for a couple years now? i mean i met people form key club but i dont talk to them often  [16] fallen out of love: i guess  [17] laughed until you cried: i think so  [18] found out someone was talking about you: yO SO MY FRIEND TOLD ME TODAY THAT SOMEONE I DATED KEEPS TELLING MY OTHER FRIEND THAT HE MISSED ME AND honestly get over me please, like its been like what nine months now and youre not going to get anywhere with mulling in the past? dont bother other people about this because they dont want to hear it.  [19] met someone who changed you: NOT IN THE PAST YEAR KFKNDFKE [20] found out who your true friends are: i never have fake friends? like even if they wanted to gain something from me there would be nothing to get lmao [21] kissed someone on your facebook list: nAH

GENERAL… [22] how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: probably a little more than three fourths [23] do you have any pets: i have a six inch fish, my dad has a six inch fish, and my mom has two smaller three inch fish (the ones my dad and i own are at least five years old now and the ones my mom has are less than a year old) [24] do you want to change your name: nope, my parents chose it for me and i want to honor that, plus i dont think any other names would suit me  [25] what did you do for your last birthday: i went out to eat kbbq with sonia and then stayed home for the rest of the day !!!!! thank you sonia ohoo i would’ve just spent it doing nothing wihtout you kjngkjer [26] what time did you wake up: 6:30 am [27] what were you doing at midnight last night: dinking around on my phone probably [28] name something you cannot wait for: short term: the week to end, long term: owning a dog  [29] when was the last time you saw your mother: 3 minutes ago  [30] what is one thing you wish you could change about your life: i wish i was more confidant about myself and my ability to do things  [31] what are you listening to right now: good luck by aoa [32] have you ever talked to a person named tom: i know a tommy??  [33] something that is getting on your nerves: :3 [34] most visited website: “tinklr dot hell” [35] elementary: i miss my elementary school friends : ( [36] high school: fuck the counselors  [37] college: high school + more crying honestly, i like it though, i feel more free (at least in the running start program lmao) im waiting to see if UW seattle and bothell want me next year though and i really want to die at the though of them not accepting me cause i’ll just be an even bigger disappointment to my family lol  [38] hair color: dark brown but a chestnut-ish color in the sun (i really want to dye my hair so its that chestnut color all the time though) [39] long or short hair: i like short hair but i currently have long hair thats three or four inches under my armpits, i plan on cutting it soon though [40] do you have a crush on someone: no serious ones, just the “wow he smiled at me “ and “gOd he held the door for me i am Snatched” kind of little crushes [41] what do you like about yourself?: i like that i was able to make good friends [42] piercings: ears [43] blood type: B+ i think– not completely sure if im + or - but i know its B for sure [44] nickname: none, just pet names from sonia and jiejie by gil ohoo [45] relationship status: single and not really looking for anything, i just want a dog [46] zodiac sign: sagittarius [47] pronouns: she/her [48] fav tv show: i surprisingly have a lot of favorite american shows like bones, psych, monk, criminal minds, leverage, saving hope, pushing daisies, ghost whisperer, basically all shows on ion tv minus law&order, then theres gravity falls and bobs burger, and then a bunch of animes and dramas [49] tattoos: none but ive always wanted one either on my wrist or inner arm ! [50] right or left handed: right handed

FIRST… [51] surgery: never  [52] piercing: ears [53] best friend: lisa! we’ve literally known each other since we were born and shes always going to be my favorite cousin and one of my best friends [54] sport: track  [55] vacation: dont remember very well?? i saw some vcr tapes of us going to disney in 2001 though [56] pair of trainers: ive never had any trainers, just running shoes?? i had small red sandals that squeaked whenever i walked when i was a kid though 

RIGHT NOW… [57] eating: nothing [58] drinking: water (ive been drinking so much water lately but i’m always thirsty so i lowkey think theres something wrong with me) [59] i’m about to: knock out  [60] listening to:  情歌王 by leo ku (its like a compilation of classic love songs thats 13 minutes long but i could sing the entire thing karaoke style easily)  [61] waiting for: death  [62] want: to not disappoint my parents, my friends, or myself anymore  [63] get married: eventually i guess  [64] career: student, scribe/visual interpreter/reader/proctor for my college’s DSS 

WHICH IS BETTER… [65] hugs or kisses: hugs !  [66] lips or eyes: eyes ! ! which is funny cause making eye contact with people makes me Uncomfortable  [67] shorter or taller: taller please, im tired of being the taller friend and i want to feel small for once  [68] older or younger: older, i’ve had enough with younger guys lmao  [69] romantic or spontaneous: romantic but spontaneous is good too  [70] nice arms or nice stomach: arms i guess  [71] sensitive or loud: sensitive?? [72] hook up or relationship: relationship wtf i dont even get how hook ups work alright  [73] troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant lmao 

HAVE YOU EVER… [74] kissed a stranger? no what the heck [75] drank hard liquor? nope  [76] lost glasses/contact lenses? lost contacts (which sucks cause i wear hard contacts since they cant make soft ones with my prescription and only replace them once a year, thankfully i can use the ones from previous years) but never glasses  [77] turned someone down: no  [78] sex on first date? yikes no  [79] broken someone’s heart? ya but it was for the best [80] had your own heart broken? ya but i was never that sad about it [81] been arrested? no oml i sweat every time i see cop cars [82] cried when someone died? no one close to me has died so far, but i def cried at the ladies’ code car accident  [83] fallen for a friend: nope 

DO YOU BELIEVE IN… [84] yourself? i want to  [85] miracles? yes but i have yet to witness any [86] love at first sight? mmmm to a certain extent– i think its mostly based on looks but when you get to know them that when the real love happens [87] santa claus? used to exist probably  [88] kiss on the first date? depends  [89] angels? yeah, why not 

OTHER… [90] current best friend’s name: sonia del casal : ) [91] eye colour: dark brown [92] favourite movie: listen ive watched your name (kimi no na wa) a grand total of sixteen (16) times and i could still watch it another ten times (i love to suffer)

tagging @sweet-hunny, @hideous-kojimmies , @panda-p-king, @puervy , @otonai , @izumiiz , @hxanns , anyone cause yikes i dont know very many people