#and i dont usually feel any different wearing my binder anyways but like. i dont wanna risk it lol

[spacebugarts]

So my hs band teacher invited all of the alumni to come and play Sleigh Ride with the students in the holiday concert for this year, and part of me really wants to wear a binder bc I wanna look my best and, y’know, dysphoria— but the other half of me realizes that I'll be playing the saxophone (at full volume) for the first time in forever and I should probably leave my lungs unhindered for that

[cupidmarwani-archive]

Big News

Summary: Sarah and Ava have big news for the groupchat.

WC: ~1.5k

[Other Bekker renamed the chat “HOUSE PARTY”]

Other Bekker: it’s official

Other Bekker: i own a house

Other Bekker: with my WIFE!!!!!!

Bekker: We’re throwing a housewarming party and everyone’s invited!

Dr. Lanik: What’s the dress code

Other Bekker: casual if you wear a suit ill kill you

Ethan Choi: When? 

Bekker: We were thinking it would start at around six or seven? It would mean a lot to us if Crockett could make it.

FreeWilly: Will there be alcohol?

Other Bekker: some of us are sober. No

no-ah: I’m in

Maggie<3: Wait who’s sober other than Crockett?

Dr. Lanik: Me

Other Bekker: me

connor: @OtherBekker there was an open bar at your wedding

Bekker: Circumstances change

Ethan Choi: This is such a fun conversation. Let’s not have it.

April: So back to the party… details!

Other Bekker: ill send the address in a bit but its gonna be potluck style. Everybody brings food. itll be pretty casual so dont be that asshole (@Dr.Lanik). starting at six ish and ending at maybe 10 or 11 depending on how tired we all are

Ethan Choi: Crockett’s program usually ends at like 5:30 so we might be a little late?

Other Bekker: ok sounds good. how is he btw

Ethan Choi: Pretty well. He’s outpatient for another few weeks and then his doctors are going to discuss long term options. Hopefully he’ll be back at work soon, too

April: Tell him we’re proud of him?

Ethan Choi: As soon as I pick him up tonight.

-

Sarah: are we telling them tonight?

Wifey: I was thinking so, yes. I mean, we have our house, and the paperwork went through.

Sarah: im so excited

Wifey: Me too, honey

-

Nat: Not to alarm anybody but whoever’s in charge of Connor right now, come to treatment 4

FreeWilly: love the implication that we take turns babysitting him

Dr. Lanik: We kind of do. I think it’s Maggie’s turn.

Maggie<3: I’m not at work. Who’s next in line?

April: @QueenElsa

Queen Elsa: Fine

connor: im a big boy i can take care of myself

Nat: You literally have a concussion

Ethan Choi: Why?

Nat: He fainted after a surgery. His sugar is low on the finger prick and he said he hasn’t had any water since his shift started

Dr. Lanik: @connor We’ve talked about this

connor: ok boomer

Dr. Lanik: @connor Stop calling me a boomer! We’re the same age!

connor: ok

connor: boomer

Bekker: Can you grow up @connor

connor: no

Queen Elsa: Update for everyone, Connor is getting a CT. He’s eating a Snickers bar right now and we’re pushing fluids

FreeWilly: youre not you when youre hungry

Dr. Lanik: @Bekker @OtherBekker What day will your housewarming party be? My daughter’s birthday is Friday.

Maggie<3: IM SORRY YOUR WHAT

Other Bekker: ?????

Bekker: We were thinking Saturday.

April: @FreeWilly Did you know about this???????

FreeWilly: uh yeah?

no-ah: Why did none of us know you had a daughter?

Dr. Lanik: I just don’t see how it’s any of your business.

Nat: How old is she? Who’s her mother? What school does she go to? How did we go this long without knowing?

[Dr. Lanik has sent an image to the chat]

Dr. Lanik: This is Emma, she’s almost eleven, and this is the most information any of you will ever be getting about her.

Ethan Choi: Well this has been a wild ride

Other Bekker: now taking bets on how crockett will react. $10 says he thinks its a joke

no-ah: Coward. He knows everything. $20 says he already knew.

Other Bekker: youre on

Queen Elsa: ...Anyways, Connor’s CT came back alright. It’s a minor concussion; he’ll be fine soon. 

Maggie<3: That’s good

Dr. Lanik: @FreeWilly and I will look after him.

Ethan Choi: Just picked up Crockett, he says hi. He also has letters for each of you as part of his process

Nat: That’s sweet

Ethan Choi: I have been assured none of them contain nudes

Other Bekker: thank g-d

Ethan Choi: I’ll be giving them to you all at work.

Ethan Choi: Crockett will be cooking something I won’t even try to pronounce for the housewarming party

Other Bekker: his cooking is all so good...

no-ah: It slaps

Queen Elsa: Is it that pasta thing??? With the crawfish????

Ethan Choi: Honestly, I don’t know.

Nat: Owen and I are bringing cookies.

Bekker: Important question, @Dr.Lanik��� will Emma be coming?

Dr. Lanik: No. I don’t want her near any of you.

connor: hes got a point

Maggie<3: Have you never, in your life, had to bring her to a doctor?

Dr. Lanik: We use East Mercy so that you all keep your noses out of my life.

FreeWilly: ouch

April: I mean, if I had a daughter, I wouldn’t want any of you near her either.

Nat: Harsh, I trust you with my son

April: You’re different.

Bekker: Do I hear wedding bells?

Nat: @April What if we kissed in the doctor’s lounge… and we’re both girls?

Nat: Haha just kidding

Nat: Unless…?

April: Did you just hit on me with a meme

Nat: Did it work?

Other Bekker: another win for the gaydies

Other Bekker: THEY BOTH JUST WENT INTO THE DOCTORS LOUNGE JHGFKHFRH

Ethan Choi: Crockett laughed 

connor: do you read these messages to him?

Ethan Choi: Sometimes. He likes to be in the loop.

FreeWilly: hot take but. we could just add him back to the chat?

Ethan Choi: He’s not ready for that yet, but he does like to be updated on your lives and one-on-one texting is stressful for him

Other Bekker: we spend more time talking about crockett now than we did when he was in the chat

no-ah: Sweet I have my Crockett letter

Ethan Choi: I'll put them in your lockers. My shift is starting so I'm turning my phone to silent. 

Other Bekker: Crockett Time

Bekker: Did he write me one?

Other Bekker: @Bekker both mine and yours are in my locker i think. one is for "blonde bekker" and one is for "brunette bekker"

no-ah: That's what he has your contacts saved as 

Queen Elsa: Mine is just a smiley face sticker in an envelope?

Other Bekker: jsyk we should probably keep these private! this is important to him

Maggie<3: I'm so excited to see him again on Saturday, I've missed him.

FreeWilly: He's been busy. I think his program is like eight to five every day but Sunday

Nat: What's that even like?

Other Bekker: they have an in house aa group that meets a few times a day and theres a ton of other support like therapy to get to the root of the problem. i mean before he got sober the first time he was self medicating 

Other Bekker: he does a lot of art therapy i think. when he was inpatient he kept mailing paintings to my wife and i 

-

Curry (Not Dr.): Hey, it's Elsa Curry from Med. Sarah gave me your number. I was just wondering why you gave me a sticker?

Crockett: dont u put them on the inside of your binder? the one u put ur case notes in at the end of ur shift 

Curry (Not Dr.): How did you know that?

Crockett: u pull ur binder out when ur stressed to reference old cases. i thot u might like another sticker so u know ur not in this alone

Crockett: :)

-

[crickett has renamed the chat "dick bros"]

crickett: @connor do u wanna fuck again this weekend lmao

connor: ???

connor: i thought that was a one time thing

Ethan Choi: It doesn't have to be. 

-

Maggie<3: @Bekker @OtherBekker Sorry I'm running a little behind! I couldn't find my keys

Bekker: No harm, no foul!

[Bekker has sent an image to the chat]

Bekker: Definitely hurry, we're having so much fun!

-

Crockett: baby

HUBBY: I'm sitting right beside you.

Crockett: ik but im feeling kinda overwhelmed 

HUBBY: Do you want to go home?

Crockett: i think i just need air will you cover for me if someone comes looking

-

Other Bekker: THANK YOU @Maggie<3 FOR ACTUALLY HELPING CLEAN UP 

FreeWilly: sorry!

connor: sorry ahhhhhh i didnt think about it 

Nat: Congrats again, you two, this is huge!

April: ^^

no-ah: Will we get to meet her, or will she be a secret like Laniks daughter?

Bekker: You'll all definitely get to meet her, but let's not do so much at once? Adjusting to a new home is hard, and from what the adoption agency tells us, she's had a rough go of it.

no-ah: Of course! 

Queen Elsa: No little girl could have a better home! Congratulations on your daughter and I wish you really good luck. If you ever need help, we're all here!

Dr. Lanik: She's about eight, right?

Bekker: Yes

Dr. Lanik: If she needs help adjusting, let me know, and maybe Emma and I can help. She was about that age when I adopted her.

connor: the Lanik lore we are getting today omg

Dr. Lanik: You'll both be great parents, and @OtherBekker don't hesitate to let me know if you need extra time off. This is a big deal and you shouldn't have to stress about work when you should be worrying about your family. @Bekker I'll also ask Dr. Latham to be lenient with you as well.

Other Bekker: thank you from both of us <3

connor: who knew lanik had a heart. 

[asrasotherbottom]

Main 6 with a Trans MC

(I’m nonbinary and I know my experiences aren’t universal, but I’m gonna try to cover a wide range of possible experiences) 

content warning for misgendering/dysphoria

Asra

-Same hat? SAME HAT 

-May I interest you in my fic about genital illusion magic

-Theres spells for every voice change/hair growth desire you could possibly want

-Religiously reminds you to take a deep breath and stretch if you wear a binder (you do have to talk faust out of volunteering to be a Living Binder though)

-Will literally get the softest material available from Nadia and lovingly hand sew you breastforms. 

-Someone misgenders you?? He’s IN THEIR FACE and ready to FIGHT.

-Will properly gender you LOUDER.

-If you come out to him after you’ve been together a while you here him in the back room with the tarot deck all spread out and hes literally talking to it to tell them the news and threatening the arcana to not misgender you, (if thats even possible? he doesnt know but hes gonna tell them anyway)

-Name change? He heals over your deadname in the tree if you want and carves your new name in. The magic radiating from it is different but still full of love. 

-Extremely respectful if you get dysphoric and as much as he loves relaxed carefree cuddling, it always takes a backseat to your desire for certain for certain parts of your body to not be touched and hes extremely mindful.

Nadia 

-Nadia is definitely trans herself dont @me. (all of nadia’s siblings are also trans and they all came out at the same time im very attached to this headcanon) 

-If you come out after you’ve been together a while? A new wardrobe to your preferences appears literally the next day.

-The softest binders in all of vesuvia.

-The Best voice trainers if you desire them, the most prestigious doctors if you desire hormones. 

-Someone misgenders you? Her scowl is enough to ruin their entire life. If they keep trying? they’re never allowed in the palace again. 

-Always showing you off, wants to have a big ball in your honor after you come out. 

-Gives the guards and servants pronoun badges to help normalize being cognizant of pronoun usage.

-Literally just imagine being curled up against nadia while she plays with your hair and you tell her your gender feelings and she gets that really big smile of hers and tells you that she appreciates you telling her and she loves you thanks im crying. 

Julian

-Has definitely encountered the concept of trans people in his travels but needs a refresher and then he says “Oh just like _______” and then hes fine

-Extremely nervous about messing up your name or pronouns and asks before touching you even more than he already does because he really doesnt want to hurt you or make you upset. 

-Hormone leeches? Hormone leeches. 

-He pins a very confused leech dealer up against the wall of the red market and says not to come back until theyve found hormone providing leeches. 

-He talks to Mazelinka about it and shes like “gods Ilya you shouldve come to me first” and she has a MILLION different soups for hair growth or stopping hair growth and voice changes. 

-Also very good at reminding you to stretch and take deep breaths if you wear a binder. 

-Has gotten into bar fights because people misgender you

-Has gotten into bar fights because he loves you so much hes just gotta go jump into the middle of an unrelated bar fight.

-If the community theatre ever tries to use the man in a dress trope as a Joke ever again he raises all hell. 

Muriel

-Not super emotional in any direction when you come out. 

-Immediately switches name and pronoun use though if thats something you want. 

-Protection from transphobes charms

-Literally the only time he’ll talk to julian is to ask about medical stuff for you. 

-Honestly i think muriel and mazelinka would get along famously and she would still have great stuff for you. 

-Totally gets not wanting to be touched sometimes and is extremely respectful of that. 

-If someone misgenders you in public he gets really angry for a second and then very sad and pulls you into an alleyway and hugs you

-I feel like Muriel, growing up with asra “gender is fake” alnazar probably only has a loose grasp on gender himself

-Is much more responsive to your social dysphoria than anyone else. 

-Smiles more often though when he sees you feeling good in your gender presentation. 

Portia

- Portia needs a trans 101 but shes EXTREMELY receptive and gets really excited afterwards that you felt okay to tell her about your feelings. 

-Has a million questions and gets a little invasive but IMMEDIATELY puts the brakes on when she sees you getting uncomfortable. 

-Is much more mindful from now on. 

-Holds a family meeting with maz and julian to ask their advice on how to best support you

-She asks nadia for new clothes for you. 

-Practices pronoun usage on Pepi to make sure she absolutely gets it right.

-Can, will, has punched people who misgender you.

-Uses her secret passages to eavesdrop on EVERYONE to make sure no one is fucking up your name or pronouns. 

Lucio

-Listen kids he thinks hes great at this gender stuff and that he knows what hes doing but he fucks up every 5 minutes

-Its the first time hes ever actually tried in his whole goat damned life though which is kinda nice. 

-New wardrobe? Done

-Magical fully functioning packer? Done

-Doctors? Voice Coaches? Done and Done 

-Threatens to put anyone who misgenders you in the dungeon (or worse) (definitely usually “or worse”)

- Somehow finds a way to make it about himself. 

-”If youre a ___ now, does that mean I finally get to ___?” 

-In his defense he doesnt really understand being in touch with your feelings as a concept. 

-He DOES understand not feeling at home in his appearance though and is EXTREMELY on top of that and making you feel as physically comfortable in your presentation and body as possible. 

-Definitely has a lower back tattoo of your name and complains about having to get it covered up, but does it anyway because he loves you. 

[bedtimebearishere]

I’m the NB Anon that needs tips for Transitioning. I live in a homophobic house, and yeah. Also my internet is being a jerk so that explains why this is late.

No worries!

Alrighty,

so first of all, congrats on figuring yourself out and finding out what idenitity youre comfortable with

From what I’ve seen, a lot of ppl that idenitify as NB plan on having top surgery (usually afab nbs). I personally do not, mostly due to the fact that my chest is naturally SUPER DUPER small and flat. Im not even joking I wouldnt even need a bra or whatever. But! I do wear my binder when the dysphoria decides to kick me into the stomach. Im not sure what way to describe it but lets say my dysphoria “comes and goes”, sometimes I dont even think about it and feel completely fine, and sometimes it gets so bad I literally start feeling sick to my stomach, feeling like vomiting out my organs and tearing my body into pieces.

The stomach pain did get bad to the point I had to vomit before. It wasnt,,fun.

Anyways! While binders arent an option forever and you shouldnt wear them for too long everyday (can cause serious pain and other issues. trust me my ribs felt like theyre breaking apart), I do recommend getting yourself one and trying it out to see if it makes you feel less dysphoric! I also recommend biiig hoodies/shirts/sweatshirts/any piece of clothing that is large enough to hide your feminine body shape (incase that makes you feel dysphoric as well). Baggy pants such as sweatpants are your friend!! Try out different hairstyles and haircolors if youre able to (idk how your parents would feel about it but sometimes you just gotta do it!!) Trying out many manyyy different haircuts has helped me a lot personally!

Tell friends you can trust about your identity and tell them what pronouns they should use for you, pick a gender neutral (or whatever makes you most comfy) nickname for yourself! Sometimes putting they/them into your bios/social media settings etc. can make you feel so much better!!

Baby steps are still steps, and each of them will make you feel more comfortable, I promise!

So yeah! That is all I have for right now. I gotta be honest this response couldve been more helpful and less sloppy but its 3 am so I have no idea what Im doing.

If you have any more questions, go ahead and ask! C:

[lovebunnie]

Do all the asks coward

1. what does your wallet look like?

-i got it as a present from my uncle for christmas and its really expensive but also so ugly im sorry uncle tom. its like that ‘southern fashion’ bullshit that white MAGA moms wear. but it was better than my old wallet, which looks like this and i got when i was 12:

2. favorite color?

- baby pinnk

3. do you own a pride flag, or more than one?

-heres the thing: my parents basically know im not straight but i havent told them. my brother has thought i was a lesbian since freshman year, i have a small pride pin on my backpack, ive never been on a date, its complicated. but no, i dont have one. maybe one day, hopefully.

4. describe your favorite outfit

-black pants, platform doc martens, hoodie under a jean jacket, one clip on earring, and holding my crushes hand :]

5. when was the last time a girl made your heart flutter, and what’d she do?

-okay so theres this girl in my theatre class who is really cute, and she put her head on my shoulder and shes pagan so she drew a little sigil on my arm that means “safe and homely” so like :)))))))))))))

6. do you use nail polish?

-i do, i mostly do black tho

7. do you keep organized?

-absolutely. i have things online filed accordingly, i pick out my outfits the day before, my binders are neat, i learned how to army fold my shirts, i keep my shit CLEAN

8. ever take naps?

-only accidentally. ill be laying in bed watching youtube and next thing you know my autoplay has me watching a markiplier video even tho i dont like him and its 4 hours later

9. who was your first crush?

-idk if this is a real person or not so ill do both. my first fake person crush was either troy from high school musical or frankie stein from monster high. and my first real crush was on a boy named dominic in elementary school. i told him i liked him at the end of 5th grade because i thought i was switching schools but then i didnt and we never spoke again.

10. what are your crush tendencies? fall hard or often?

-both both both. i am the worst with crushes. i have crushes all the time because im romantic and a fucking fool. i have 3 crushes off the top of my head rn and i like them all for different reasons. thats not to say that i want to date them, but its that i like them a lot and i kinda wanna kiss their cheek or hold their hand idk

11. describe your ideal day

-play overwatch with my best friend (u gonble >:) ) then hang out with my cat, go get a smoothie, buy some cool shoes or something, take a shower and be asleep by 9 :,)

12. describe your ideal date

-i have stated that build a bear is an amazing first date and im NOT BACKING DOWN. ITS CUTE AS FUCK AND ILL ACCEPT NOTHING LESS!!

13. whats your favorite food?

-either sushi or strawberries :3c

14. who do you feel most comfortable around?

-my theatre class, people from camp, and gobble

15. what is your favorite compliment to receive?

-i dont have a favorite, any and all are going to make my face go red so i have to cover it and maybe make me cry

16. did you/do you like highschool?

-the first 3 years fucking sucked but senior year has been amazing so far. mostly because i just kinda stopped giving a fuck but its amazing

17. favorite animal?

-i think its cats now. i really like cats

18. do you like your name?

-eh, its okay. its pretty but also it seems like there are 60 million fucking people named grace and its so annoying. i wish it was something more unique idk

19. what kind of weather is your favorite?

-a light rain. no swinging trees or thunder, just lots of rain. its nice to stay inside and feel secure

20. do you believe in horoscopes?

-absolutely not. but theyre fun if you like them

21. tell us about your music taste

-its horrific. to sum it up, my two favorite musicians are the gorillaz and frank sinatra. take from that what you will

22. have you had your first kiss? if so, what was it like?

-i havent had my first kiss yet. gonna be honest, i felt like i was going to, a few times at camp and recently when classes ended. but yeah, nothing yet

23. did you have a favorite stuffed animal as a kid?

-i went thro cycles of favorites. but one ive had for years is a plush shadow the hedgehog from universal studios i got when i was 6. i used to carry him around, even to a pool once

24. what time do you usually wake up and go to bed?

-if you know me, you know i go to bed ridiculously early. i usually get tried at around 6pm and fall asleep between 7:45 and 8:30. and i always wake up before 6 am. i havent slept past 6 am continuously since the end of junior year. please help me

25. what dream trip would you take with your wife?

-maybe to go explore new york, just the two of us that sounds like fun :]

26. do you have any pets?

-i have 2 dogs and a cat. the family owns the dogs but that cat is mine

27. what pair of underwear is your favorite?

-uhhhhhhhhhhh i have some with rainbows that are cool? i dont have favorites, none of them are cute anyway

28. what makes you smile?

-funny jokes make me smile real hard, and if you compliment me at the right time, i kind of pull my legs up and hide my face? its cute and charming i promise

29. what makes you feel heavy?

-in both the physical and metaphorical sense, eating bread

30. what makes you feel better?

-watching bo burnham always makes me feel better, hes my go to whenever im really depressed

31. how do you show your love?

-i show my love in everything i do. everything i do is for love, i love love so much its sickening

32. when is it time to get a haircut?

-whenever u want to lol?

33. where would you live if you could live anywhere?

-maybe san francisco, its beautiful and i love the city

34. do your friends and family take good care of you?

-as much as i allow them to. sometimes i go days without communicating and i know thats annoying but my friends put up with it (they shouldnt have to, i know) and my family is okay. its cliche to say, but they honestly dont understand what im going thro alot of the times, esp with my anxiety and shit

35. have you always used the labels you use now?

-back in the beginning of highschool, i used they/them pronouns and identified as asexual/aromantic. eventually, it didnt feel right, so i know identify as cis and bisexual and that feels right to me

36. what makes you laugh?

-my friends, when people shit talk gobble and i in overwatch even tho???? we didnt know him?????? and the mcelroys always get me

37. who is your favorite fictional character?

-too many options, see list here

38. who do yo admire?

-my father when hes not threatening to throw my phone into a fucking lake and my friends for putting up with me

39. describe yourself in three words

-i am baby

40. how long does it take you to get ready in the morning? 

-usually about 45 min, more or less as each day goes

41. what do you wish you could tell your younger self?

-listen: STOP GIVING A FUCK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE. YOU WILL NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN, BE YOURSELF. STOP HIDING AND BEING SCARED OF YOURSELF, BE GENUINE!!!!

42. what would you do if you win the lottery?

-get my parents settled, see about other family members, and then distribute the money to charities accordingly, starting with flint and getting them water

43. would you call yourself a romantic?

-yes

44. what is your gayest childhood memory?

-my mom had cosmos magazines

45. do you have tattoos or want any?

-i dont have any tattoos but ive been obsessed with them since the 6th grade. id love to get tattoos, i just dont know what or where and also im afraid of pain

46. whats your worst habit?

-either biting my thumbs, starving myself, or ghosting my friends. prob ghosting my friends

47. what are you proud of?

-i guess coming out of my shell finally? idk, i actually have friends now and it feels amazing tbh. im in 5 group chats now. i havent been in a group chat since 6th grade. :))))))

48. did you know that youre actually a gift to the world, for real?

-hi i love you?

49. whats your favorite memory?

-there are so so many. but what comes to mind first is our dance night at camp where we all stood outside and i finally gave ian my tumblr and we all ran inside to dance to mr. brightside then ran outside again and we requested nightcore and rivers was fucking dancing their hearts out and we all sang along and im going to crying just typing this out

50. do you have a sweet tooth?

-i guess so. too much makes me feel like shit but i do really enjoy smarties

51. what do you like most about yourself?

-this is dumb, but my sense of style. since i got a job ive been wearing shit i actually like and its amazing. ill admit i have cool clothes

52. what makes you fall for a girl?

-besides acknowledging me, probably getting to know me and not like, putting me on a pedestal. idk its weird, ive met a lot of people this year who like to place me so high it feels like i cant make a mistake around them without disappointing them. idk, i want someone to call me out on my bullshit instead of assuring me im okay. i want to know what i do wrong so i can fix it

53. make a recommendation

-for what? uhh okay for music, listen to ‘clay pigeons’ by michael cera (yes i know michael cera) and for television, watch bojack horseman and for movies, watch the docuseries called ‘7 days out’ on netflix

54. have you ever had your heart broken?

-yeah, when i broke up with maddy because we werent ready to date. i cared and continue to care about her and i didnt want to hurt her but i knew its what we both needed. its what i needed, atleast. and i cant be a good girlfriend if i feel like im doing badly. but also ive had friends break my heart and family break my heart. but im okay now, this heart is ready to be broken again

55. when do you feel most yourself?

-def when i was at camp, that place is magical in the way it allows you to be yourself. but also when i talk to gobble because hes my best friend and when im at college, we can talk more and its gonna be dope as shit

56. name a gorgeous celeb

-jake gyllenhaal jake gyllenhaal jake gyllenhaal 

57. what are some of your favorite songs this week?

-fake happy by paramore, im not okay (i promise) by my chemical romance, tomorrow comes today by gorillaz

58. tell us 2 or your biggest hopes and fears

-biggest hopes: i publish a book someday & i get a job doing something i love

-biggest fears: i end up homeless and broke & something horrific happens in college

59. what flavor chapstick/lipbalm is the best?

-raspberry i guess

60. are you okay?

-i answered a lot more honestly then i shouldve for some of these and i start new classes tomorrow so im feeling really anxious so im doing alright i guess.

gobble you test me but i do love you

[teddy-feathers]

I haven't shaved my legs in like... Half a year? Cause it itches when ir grows back and I aint here to impress none of you, and also its a hassle when mostly my legs are covered so why bother.

But I wanted to try that sugar scrub thing cause bad set of days and anything to make you feel... Okay. Break the routine. Take care of youself.

So I did and shaved and theyre smoother than theyve ever been and... My first thought was how... Weird they looked. Girly.

And so yesterday I spent all day obsessing over how I hate my long hair and how without it my round face looks stupid and and and

... And I'm so...

Its weird how safe a binder feels. Its not that different from a sports bra but it feels different and I LOOK different

Like yeah im not perfectly flat but neither are non boobed chests.

And its weird because Ill look at the mirror and go "i look off" because booba make you look round and with a binder im square.

And while I feel guilty for it... I like looking square.

It all feels like... Like Im juat easily susceptible. But... I also try not to get attached to things I like.

I cant tell which is at play here. Maybe its all some sort of vanity.

Im not a guy - Erics a guy and he told me weeks ago and then came out at work and Im happy for him but im not a guy and the idea of people calling me such just feels like a hassle and wrong.

Ive been a girl my whole life and aside from that bs stage where I hated EVERYTHING about being a girl... It never bothered me the parts i have or the pronouns applied.

Well the period thing is bs and god I really think boobs are bullshit and want them gone...

Which is why ive been like... Testing myself.

And honestly. I dont fucking know. Or care.

Im me.

Just me.

Im just... Scared that being me isnt.

That it isnt okay or that I'm being fake or appropriating what isnt for me.

Cutting my hair doesn't change shit about me... But it scares me what people will see and say.

Im not a guy. Im not a butch lesbian - or a lesbian at all. Im not as work puts it "counter culture" im not... Anything really.

But sometimes I go to work and I have a bra on, or I dont which is annoying how naked i feel when i didnt sign up for boobs, or a binder.

And soon I may cut my hair off almost entirely because I want to and... I think most of the reason Ill hate myself for that is just how much of my life revolves around how people see me.

Im not here for anyone... But I dont want all that... Trouble.

I started wearing boxers at home. Its the nice balance of wearing no pants but also theyre like shorts so i dont feel naked.

And i wear my work clothes or leggings and a long top with them and wearing girly clothes seems less bad...

Dont get me wrong I LIKE my clothes a lot. Especially the ones i picked out and bought for myself without anyone around because... I bought them for me and I can feel that.

But I feel again like a huge fake.

Why wear a binder or boxers if i dont want anything to change much? Or if i cant narrow down what that much is?

Why bother cutting my hair if itll just make me feel exposed and wrong even if i want to do it?

Why do my naked legs look grosser to me now than they did when I didnt shave? How did the shape of them change so much?

Why does any of this MATTER to the point its bugging me, when it doesnt feel like it does or should?

Somedays I want to be hard lines. Others I want to be that sort of soft in all the right ways that ive never put in the work to achieve. Mostly though I just bounce between two different flavors of casually relaxed/cutish?

Idk. Gender is bullshit anyways. But its easy to SAY "just do what makes you happy" and its another to exist in the real world where if I or someone else doesnt like it I don't have a character slider to fix myself to how I feel.

How many times have I dont something only to hate it after the excitement wore off?

How many times has one wrong look set me into hating everything?

Being a girl... Even a lazy one who doesnt try. Is kinda like being invisible once I learned how to live inside myself.

Now I want to do things that will... Make me less invisible and in a way older folk will disapprove of and people will judge me on.

Idk how to reconcile that.

I don't know how bad i want this.

I dont know how much is fake or how much is just a struggle to find a bit of newness to push back all the bad emotions you know?

Avpd and self discovery is not a great combination.

"Whats the worst that could happen"? Usually youd be right but uh. The worst is self loathing and having to put myself back together after the fallout.

And ill ponder and stress about this... And ill either not do it and be sad, oe give into an impulse and emotionally shit will hit the fan.

Nonbianary feels like the wrong lable but. Ive never wanted to be a girl and even though I'm at peace with it i still don't want it.. And Im not a guy.

Eric knows hes a guy. A girl I know knows shes a girl.

Im just. A stupid attention seeking idiot.

[paradoxnbstuff]

okay so i need to talk about this for a minute

because usually i can find some shit about this on youtube or a transition blog somewhere but i cant for some reason this time? and its one of those difficult things to think about that I’ve been putting off for like years. so. anyways. top surgery stuff.

so first of all I have this habit of mine that’s taken a while and lot of shit to notice. it was probably a left over from growing up with my abusive dad and trying to survive that. but basically I’m very good at putting something aside in my head and so thoroughly convincing myself it’s not something that’s bugging me (subconsciously) that when it comes time to actually think about it I legitimately cannot tell how I feel about it. I’m talking about sitting and thinking about it for hours, plus research, and actively taking stock of my reactions as they happen to try to just. logically deduce what’s actually going on in my brain based on physical symptoms of emotional reactions I can’t actually feel. and obviously anyone can see how that would be incredibly useful in a situation like my parents where I had no choice in the matter for 18 years, and i could either constantly wallow in misery and agony and hurt and stress and confusion and terror at just living in my house 24/7, or i could section it off. and create like. a new baseline for myself. ex my baseline became that state and then went up or down based on negative or ‘positive’ things that happened from that baseline. looking at it objectively it was all obviously still horrible and stressful and traumatizing but i wouldn’t have been able to get through it if I was consciously aware of that the whole time. So that’s where that developed.

But weird backstory aside this has carried over to certain things in my life on my own since I moved out too. It’s why it took me so long to figure out gender shit and why I still haven’t figured out my sexuality even though I don’t lack the vocabulary or even really experience to. it’s affected my relationships with people, but I’ve been practically religious about trying to make sure I identify it when it happens and dedicating a lot of time and thought to unraveling whatever’s going on and stopping it, because fuck that I refuse to let it mess with the people I care about. There’s certain markers but it’s not like most things where you experience negative emotions and there’s a natural pathway from point a to point b. the markers are me having to stop and look at the past few months or longer and pick out patterns of times when i acted illogically in similar way, and cross ref it to see if it came with a feeling of abstractness where i couldn’t identify what emotions i was feeling. but like. its like trying to identify nothing. anger or happiness or w/e is easy like hey im feeling that but trying to notice when you’re feeling nothing or something unquantifiable? much fucking harder. and the trigger for me to start wondering if something is going on is when it starts to impact my quality of life negatively in some way. so. a really fucking stupidly difficult logical approach to untangle some very complicated emotions. which is sadly necessary.

so that’s the method I use to realize when this is happening. hasn’t really gotten any easier but i can do it i guess. and this is what’s happening now with me and top surgery? it happened with the decision to start testosterone, (’but im happy with how i look and sound!’ god no ur not u fucking disaster ur brain just didn’t want you to be miserable 24/7 and tricked you into thinking u were) and i think it’s the same thing with this. but i don’t. know??? for sure???? so I’m having to figure out this incredibly difficult and emotional decision with only purely factual patterns to go on and my emotions, which im not sure are fake or not, plaguing me every step of the way. so im just gonna fucking write em down and hope it helps.

fact 1: i never wear a bra. ever. it’s always either a binder or binder-adjacent like a sports bra. it’s been like that for 3 ish years now and it’s not stopping any time soon. i’m violently uncomfortable wearing a bra. 

fact 2: i dont like touching my chest or nipples. (tmi ish warning w/e) when I’m having sexual relations with another person im again, violently uncomfortable with the other person touching my chest. i will repeatedly redirect or say no if they start to with absolutely no doubt about it.

fact 3: i don’t like wearing tight clothing if i can’t bind. when I go to the gym and work out I wear a sports bra and wearing tshirts that show that fuckin. again feel nearly ill.

fact 4: i don’t mind seeing my chest in the mirror? like. I have/had a lot of dysphoria about my body, specifically my hips and the kinda hourglass dip in between ribs and hips and the way e gives fat distribution around the upper hips around the waist and thighs and butt. that’s mostly gone now due to a combination of T and working out, but I still don’t mind seeing my chest in the mirror. that’s possibly because I’m literally like 3/4 of an A cup at max but. yknow. this is also one of those things that is COMPLETELY based on feelings. and it feels suspiciously like when I’m trying to gauge my reaction and get ‘yeah I feel neutral about this actually’ but is really just very skillful repression. and I can’t tell. so. that’s great. it is a subjective fact, as opposed to the previous 3. 

fact 5: if i stretch my arms up it looks like i have a flat chest (bc i i have like no boobs to begin with) and the reaction I get to that is a definite. reaction. it’s an adrenaline based one. but another issue i’m working on is i can’t tell the difference between happy excited adrenaline and panic adrenaline and therefore when i feel happy excited about something i start fear panicking instead and it sucks but yknow. so I get an adrenaline thrill. that I can’t identify as fear or excitement. so that’s. there? fuck

fact 6: i’m not male. I figured that out a long time ago but it’s become important again recently that I am n o t a trans man. I’m solidly nonbinary. T was and is the right decision for me. So is building muscle. So is my decision now to grow out my hair again. So is my clothing that is decidedly not masculine fairly often and my makeup (that can be either to help with the masc or just to make me feel hot, or feminine sometimes). But this is something that’s....like. It would make me look a lot more masculine. like a lot. like it would be looking in the mirror and seeing that (without the big scars you see a lot underneath, i wouldn’t have that) and I don’t know if that’s something I want. but at the same time, that’s what I want to look like in clothes. I don’t fucking know.

fact 7: i know there’s probably some underlying fear in there of like societally ingrained disgust for non-cis bodies. and I know for a fact I’m attractive as a feminine person. and doing this means that I’m committing myself to a permanent non-cis state. I’m in no way saying there’s anything actually wrong with that, I’m saying that I know there’s things in the way I’ve been raised that inherently shy away from that still. It’s not something I want and it’s something I have to deal with but it probably is playing a part in my fear in this.

fact 8: currently, my main reason for tentatively starting the application process is my health. I love being active and healthy and exercising and I know that binding long term hurts your ribs and lungs, and I also know that I’m not going to stop binding any time soon if I don’t have top surgery. And getting it just for health reasons is a perfectly valid reason to do it. And if I am actually neutral about my chest and not just tricking myself? I’m totally happy with this being the deciding factor.  

anyways. yeah. the problem with dismantling a mental block you’ve set up for yourself is it involves actively unlocking self hatred and pain that you can’t put back in the box once you’ve opened it until it’s dealt with. so there isn’t a ton of incentive to. ngl it didn’t happen with testosterone fully until after I’d been on it for a few months and realized how fucking desperately I needed this to be happening. but I don’t think that’s how I want it to go with top surgery. I want to know before I go through with it what I’m feeling and what I want. and it is. VERY fucking difficult. god. yeah. anyways. that’s where I’m at. thanks for coming to my ted talk.