#and i don't think i've ever felt this overwhelmed in a while regarding everything

[bandzboy]

i did a post yesterday about my feelings regarding the whole seunghan situation and how the kpop community is moving recently and many people said they resonated with it and that i said everything they were thinking about and i'm honestly glad that there are a lot people that think in a similar way and did give me hope for a better future

[shakingparadigm]

Hello it's the anon who said about the Ivan collar thing 😭. I come with some little brainrots.

Mizi sang "Black Sorrow" as a solo cover for unrequited love, with Sua being dead.

But the cover made me think. What if somehow Sua, in a way, is the Till to Mizi's Ivan. What if Sua, even if she loves Mizi back, never really fully indulged in it.

Specially in "My Clematis" where Mizi regarded Sua as a god, all I can imagine is Sua who always kept a perfect image in front of everyone including Mizi. Sua who never really showed her vulnerability to Mizi even though the other girl bared her entire heart. Just the idea that she somewhat kept a mask of pretend, letting Mizi be as blissful as it can be before the inevitable.

Aka tragic Yuri breaking my heart that Sua had to keep her own planned death a secret from her beloved because of one (and only) little selfish wish, which is to let Mizi live.

(Also sorry for spamming asks this frequently! I've been going through ALNST hyperfixations and your blog have a great humor.)

DONT EVER BE SORRY FOR SPAMMING ASKS! they make me really happy! Thank you so much! Sorry it takes me a while to answer them sometimes, my brains been pretty messy as of late, and I keep losing track of time.

That's a really interesting perspective to see it from. Regarding their relationship as a whole, I actually think it was the opposite. Sua only ever opened up to Mizi, and to everyone else she was timid and closed off. That was one of the reasons why their bond was so strong, they clung to each other. Sua retreats into herself, avoiding others in an attempt to protect her soft-hearted feelings, only sticking to Mizi because she loved and trusted her most. Mizi loved Sua like a dog because she was a cure for her loneliness back when Mizi felt isolated and afraid of being away from her home. They gave each other everything, which is why the thought of Mizi dying filled Sua with so much anguish that she'd rather die herself.

But if we're talking about the few weeks leading up to the first round of ALNST (you probably meant this, my bad) then definitely. She spent the last of her life counting down the hours, putting on a brave face and trying to make the remainder of her time with Mizi the best it could possibly be. I assume it was Mizi that proposed a tie. Sua played along, or maybe even believed in it at first, because ALIEN STAGE was something that they both looked forward to their whole lives, something that was held over their heads like a reward instead of the death sentence it actually was. Sua most likely started planning her death after she realized the possible consequences. The thing is, according to the MiziSua interview, a tie had never happened before in ALIEN STAGE. Which means that we don't know what happens if a tie actually does occur. It seems unlikely that ALIEN STAGE, which derives its stakes from the deaths of the contestants, would let both go forward thanks to a tie. I mean, if that happened, then everyone else would just decide to tie in order to keep each other alive, and where's the fun in a deathless season? Where's the stakes in that? It goes against everything ALIEN STAGE is built on. If a tie did happen, they most likely would have forced a situation where one of them would have to die anyway. It just lengthens the process and makes it more complicated. I like to think that, at some point, Sua realized this. If they tie, there's no guarantee that they both stay alive. In a tie situation, they might even randomly pick the contestant to be eliminated. The circumstances are uncertain and unpredictable, and within those hypotheticals Mizi dying is always an option. But if Sua adjusts her own performance level without Mizi knowing, she can ensure that the only person who has to die is herself. As stated before, Sua is soft-hearted. Her blank demeanor is indeed a mask for overwhelming feelings that lie beneath the surface. Mizi worships Sua, but Sua loves Mizi an incredible amount too. She must have loved her so much that Ivan, an exceedingly observant asshole (affectionate), picked up on it and was able to discern her intentions. Ivan criticizes Sua for choosing to sacrifice herself, calling her out for "playing hero", but most importantly, accusing her of dying only because she herself cannot handle the pain of losing someone she loves. She cannot fathom living a life where Mizi is dead, so she "runs away" from it by any means possible. He accuses her of being a hypocrite because the future that pains her to think about is one that she is about to inflict on her beloved. Is it an act of love or an act of selfishness? Is Ivan twisting her genuinely pure intentions and chastising her into believing that it makes her a bad person? Despite being hit with this crisis and crying over it, Sua decides to sacrifice herself anyway. And her happy mask was so impressive that Mizi failed to notice she was digging her own grave.

Sua not "indulging" in her love for Mizi is actually really interesting, and I can see how it can come off that way because Mizi is much more affectionate. But I actually think otherwise!

I think it's not really that she refused to indulge in her love, rather she indulged in it so much that she died to ensure she'd never have to live without it.

[thistransient]

How was Ladakh? I heard it's very scenic, I've been meaning to visit.

I've been mulling this over for a while, because this trip to Ladakh was also my first time in India, and thus the two things are a bit intertwined. Also one must take into consideration that most of what I saw outside of Leh, I saw while clinging to the back of a motorbike, often wondering if I was sustaining brain damage. I suspected the natural wonders were twice as awe-inspiring when observed with the knowledge that they could be the last thing I ever saw. If you want to go on two wheels, do get proper gear and think twice about riding pillion.

That said, it really was gorgeous out there.

If you like mountains, it's the place to be. If you like Tibetan Buddhist monasteries, it's also the place to be. I wasn't sure what to expect in regards to human interactions, but on my own in Leh there was basically no hassle from strangers. If anything the hassle was that the tour office the guesthouse recommended did not have anyone going on the route I wanted to take- which was how I ended up on a motorcycle trek with some random guys from the guesthouse to begin with. For the rest of it, they handled everything, for which I'm eternally grateful.

If you get the chance to go, go! I'm glad I went, but if I could go back in time I'd also be better prepared for the elements- despite copious amounts of sunblock eventually I had to accept that I was just going to be sunburnt, cracked, and chapped, with dried out nasal passages. It also gets really cold, even in June. I didn't bring enough warm stuff cause I only had a carry-on and I figured I'd just buy something there (which inevitably I did), but then no one from any airline actually checked my luggage weight at any point, so I kinda wish I'd just brought a whole ass winter coat. Two weeks was also not enough, I stuck around Leh to acclimatise for 4 days (which felt like overkill at first but it was really a good idea), and only ended up seeing Nubra Valley, Pangong Tso, and Alchi Monastery with the guys. I had hoped to also see Tso Moriri and Hanle but was too worn out by the time they left, and spent the rest of my days hanging around Leh feeling rather ill.

All in all, I wasn't really sure what to expect in going, but it exceeded all expectations. I also think if I had not already been on enough terrible roads in various countries in the past, I might have been slightly overwhelmed. If I hadn't been in the company of people who were fond of street dogs (and finally desensitised me), I probably would not have had as good a time because there are a lot of them. They do make quite a racket at night, bring earplugs. In the end though, the pros certainly outweigh the cons (and obviously I survived and came back to tell the tale.) If you're looking for scenic, I give it 11/10, possibly more.

Final note, Indian SIM cards don't work in Ladakh, but the Ladakh SIM card works in India (I'm not sure about Jammu + Kashmir). J+K Bank ATMs did NOT want to dispense me cash with my foreign card (unfortunate because they were the only ones outside the city), but other banks worked fine.

[crappy-lei]

this book, i mean this goddamn book.

i was reading "a little life" from the time i was feeling isolated and also not feeling anything actually. i truly underestimated and expected this book to be awful, considering it was 'overrated/hyped'. i was casually skimming til i finished the chapter one first section of the book, eventually i wanted to stop because it was just that good and i don't feel like ending it too soon. i thought about how i wanted to linger on this book as long as i can, if it meant reading and sticking around with these lovely sad characters and their not-so-little stories—to somewhow arouse a feeling in me and it feels like spending time with this book were like choosing to remain yourself on a complex relationship and as well as it feels like having a deep friendship and creating an intense connection or intimacy with someone close from home that you've been longing to love or idk.

this extremely weird attachment i'd developed within this book, i think t'was the sense of comfort and relief that i'm unconsciously relying on even tho i'm simultaneously perceiving the subtle joy and pain from the sadness itself.

and that's when i decided to read another book (daisy jones and the six which i unexpectedly hated it & the seven husbands of evelyn hugo like wow it was so good) that would kill my time by idle reading that would alter and forget this current novel i'm reading in order to reread again the first chapter and cost my time to restore those wholesome feelings that would feel like the first time. yeah i'm that desperate twat that would do everything to relive the nostalgia sensation. i've repeatedly visited the two chapters thrice and third chapter twice. still can't get over how disturbed and anxious i was that night when i was reading the half of chapter three - third section.

this is the kind of story you are expected to encounter all the saddest and traumatic moments so painfully numb to the point you won't cry for it which tears are solely reserved for the happy moments you'd wished for granted. crying for the small things is much more agonizing.

slowburn stories will always be my favorite and this one really tested my patience to the fullest. i mean it took 512 pages to see the characters finally- haha

page 690 u crushed my heart and it felt like its about to burst.

"dear comrade" wtf then "lispenard street' i've never ever brought some tissues while reading—in my entire experience. literally got nothing to say and i'm not even exaggerating.

feeling overwhelmed everytime i continue to read the remaining chapters, it was like this book was a reminder of my rigid life: constant pressures, collections of what-if's, things i should've and could've done while i'm still young and figuring shit out and sieze the youth energy in me but really at this age i'm already filled with solemn regrets in the sense of nostalgia, and again it feels like i'm having parallel feelings and visions of myself when i turn 30 and this story will be destined to mine. it is truly difficult to read but it has this little comfort i'm craving for myself or from someone i've been pining to attain but couldn't and this book provided the lack of emotions, social connections, and more specially this intense detachement i've been experiencing.

all i could think about is jb, mal, andy, harold, and mainly jude and willem. feels like the book is still not over yet, felt like their stories are still running in my head and i wanted to keep and them and feel their presence as long as i wanted and i'd cry for them but at this point i'm dead inside and i missed them already.

it's been 24hrs since i've finished the book and i still think about them. i tried to sleep the sadness off but still i was dreaming about them. i can't get them off my mind, i'm trying to put into words to somehow point out the aftereffects so that i could deal something regarding to this shitty feeling but til now i couldn't describe everything i'm feeling. it's not the trauma that stays with me, it's the characters in the story. albeit they're fictional but they were like my friends already; given the short time i've spent with them felt like years. they are so alive in my mind even though some of them actually died in the story but idk it is just weird that i'm a college dropout yet it seemed likw i was having the best college experience i've never had while i was reading and since i've reached the end, it left me feeling empty with all those years i've endured and suffered with jude, harold, willem, jb, andy, mal and even julia were already gone and now it seemed like i'm entering my 30's still lost like how lost i was in my 20's but the difference is this is the real adulting phase, a life not existing in a book without them and i could never ever restore those friendships again, i could never have those people; that kind of bond; that sense of belongingness and connection were eventually aging. it haunts me everytime considering that it really reflects the reality i'm living in. ever since i've finished the book, i'm not prepared to go back and be in the present and let the current life happens to me. all the emotions becoming resonant, echoing its sadnesses and peaknesses of life. but now i wanted to reel in for the company of the lows not with the highs and let them feel through my insides until it becomes fortitude as jude said at some point in his darkest moments. i really missed them and my friends from home. it is fucked up when u realized you are more alone than you think it was. i wish i could have something like them the four of them.

[selflovewarrior]

hey sweeties!

a new update on the life of Soetkin:

so a couple of weeks after my last post(s) i started a treatment program of three group therapy days a week. it was at a local general hospital, so no specialised program i suppose. while my expectations weren't very high and i saw it more as a tool to not sink deeper into depression and anxiety while i waited out till it would be my turn on the waiting list for the program i actually thought would help me, i quit this program halfway though my planned time there. i felt a lot worse during therapy as it progressed than i did at home. i looked so forward to it being over because i was extremely anxious and felt like i was killing myself on the inside when i was there. home was my safe space, the total opposite of how therapy felt for me. and believe me i know that it's kind of expected that you'll feel worse for a bit during intense therapy since you start opening up and stop running away from what you feel and think. so i quite suddenly quit.

(since this post ended up becoming what resembles a whole novel, i'm going to cut in here so people who don't care don't have to scroll through it ;) anyway it's not all bad if you want to read on, it actualy quite hopeful, the start just isn't very much so.)

i had a plan to pick up some creative activities at facilities for disabled folks, which i have got a government recognition for. i found a place i could start at fairly quickly, i haven't gone very often yet, but all in all i felt such intense relief when i didn't have to go to group therapy there anymore.

i'm still overly anxious and get very (extremely) easily overwhelmed by everything in this world: sounds, proximity, weather. but i am not as deeply depressed anymore. i'm actually feeling more like my regular self in that regard.

i can start the pre-program i've been waiting for since november in two weeks (and the full program one month later) and i'm so very hopeful for the future. i'm not where i used to be yet, but i'll get there, i'll get beyond there. I've already learned more about myself these past 8-9 months, things i never really considered or took seriously. while it still feels strange to say i most probably also have adhd (i got my autism diagnosis as a kid). a lot of the stuff i also struggle with seems to always have something to do with dopamine. i also probably have DCD (i still find it out they didn't look into this when i was in residential treatment when i got my autism diagnosis, but they still mentioned me randomly walking into doorframes and stuff instead of through the doorframes). i'm learning to give myself more time regarding my DCD when doing stuff that's hard(er) for me. even stuff like taking the laundry out of the machine etc. or walking up or down stairs. i'm starting to stop caring about other people being faster. the recognition of that DCD element for myself is a huge thing towards self-acceptance. i now also realise my brand of neurodivergence comes with rejection sensitive dysphoria, which explains SO FUCKING MUCH OMG.

this bout of urgent mental health issues also came with more physical issues than i've ever experienced before. which felt odd, and mostly unexpected. i've had more visits to a physiotherapist than the rest of my life combined these past few months. i also struggled with eating, but not ED wise this time, that part of me is actually doing quite well this time, which is also unexpected but yay. i mostly didn't have the energy to lift my fork and everything tasted meh. but that part is also a lot better now, still happens sometimes, but it's far better now. (i also lost a lot of hair because of it, which is growing back now, so i have plucks of toddler hair in my face all the time, and let me tell you toddler hair is a lot more annoying than baby hairs, they're too short to go anywhere, and too long to not be an annoyance). my last post also came as i was only just healed from what could've been covid, or something similar. but the worst infection i've had since 2020 (and i have had it several times). I always got booster shots (since i worked at a hospital) and never was very inconvenienced, let alone for over a week. but my symptoms now started on new year's day (yay me) and lasted for about a month and they were unpleasant and painful. i guess i partially ought to thank the booster shots in the past for not getting that ill, but i also think i kinda blew my immune system over by not eating properly.

anyway, so here we are. my husband who's a teacher in upper secondary school has started his summer holidays, he's actually had a rather nice last month of the school year since his pupils' finals were evenly spread out for him so he didn't have to rush correcting them.

we're also in a very good place now. i'm so happy and grateful this guy is my husband, that i can call him mine, that we're us. he's also started therapy for his OCD, and while he was terrified he's doing so well, i'm really impressed (a bit scared too though that he might be taking on a bit too much at once in therapy). we're building a sturdy base for our future together (with hopefully a kid at some point sooner rather than later). He's feeling more sad about having to postpone our starting a family plans due to all of this, but we also both see this as a huge opportunity to become even better parents. and in a way we're quite lucky this all happened before i got pregnant and not during or after. not to say it can't or won't happen again, but then we'll be even more prepared to take on this challenge again than we were / are now.

anyway: i still have a long and scary road ahead of me, but i'm not at the start anymore, i've already been hiking for a bit and i'm hopeful about seeing the sun rise beautifully overhead once more.

i also really really really want to reblog stuff for this blog again, and more frequently. i am however still struggling with energy, spoons are often very depleted. i even have a very hard time editing my own pictures and it's not like i've taken many these past 10 months. i've also had people i know irl reach out to me because i'm so absent on all social media and that's very unlike me. and them asking me about it, gives me the feeling that i actually do might belong here and with those people and that people actually care and that i'm missed. and that's a bewildering but amazingly heart warming feeling, that's kind of new to me.

hope to be back sooner next time!

thank you guys so so much for sticking with me, for reblogging my old posts, for sharing positivity on this website and hopefully to people you think need it, including yourself! thank you to all new followers, you're seen! you're loved! you're appreciated!

x Soetkin

[jamesblackshaw]

New Album Pre-order

Dear all, Eight years have passed since my last album ‘Summoning Suns’ was released. A while back, feeling burnt out and like I wanted to find a bit more stability in my life, I decided to take a break from live performances and at least take my foot off the pedal a little bit with regards to writing and recording. That announcement sounded more dramatic than I intended in retrospect, but here we are in 2023, with nearly a decade of insanity between now and what felt like a comparatively breezy summer back in 2014 when I was making my last record. Life finds a way of getting in the way. Every time I wanted to jump back in and play again, it felt like something would dishearten me. The pandemic and the sudden passing of one of my best friends and closest collaborators - John Hannon, who recorded nearly everything I've ever made – in particular. I never found the stability I craved, bouncing around between bar and kitchen jobs. A couple of them I liked a fair bit. Others were awful. One even resulted in a nervous breakdown/mixed episode that lasted three months. The closest thing I found to the sense of self-worth and achievement I had while I was making music was cooking my own food, in my own food business. It's hard work a lot of the time certainly, but seeing people enjoy something you’ve made from start to finish is such a rewarding experience. I was beginning to take that job even more seriously as a full-time gig when I slipped on some black ice and broke my right shoulder one evening in mid-December last year. Aside from coping with the pain, I found myself unable to move my arm, out of work with little support and at home caring for my dog Dexter, who was diagnosed with terminal liver disease a couple days after my fall and passed away this February. For months I wondered when – and if – I’d be able to play guitar again and I wanted so desperately to throw myself back into music, to communicate something or anything at all about this overwhelming sense of loss I was feeling. I’m happy to say I'm now in good health, both physically and mentally. In fact, at the time of writing, I’m about to play a show in London this coming week. It’ll be my first since I played Oslo in early 2020. I’m also incredibly excited to announce that I’ve just started work on a new instrumental album. There’s no title yet and the cover photo you see here is just a placeholder. I plan to release the album by the end of this year and I’d be incredibly grateful for your help in achieving that. By pre-ordering on Bandcamp, you’ll be helping me enormously with recording costs, repairs, paying other musicians for their time and of course my own time. When I started out, I was fortunate that a lot of these expenses were covered by small advances from the labels I worked with, but sadly I don’t think many labels have that sort of money in such trying times. You’ll receive the full digital album as soon as it’s released, no later than the 31st of December 20203. This album will not be available to stream on Spotify or for purchase digitally anywhere else but here. Please do let me know if you’d be interested in purchasing a CD or LP later down the line. If there’s enough interest and it ends up going to press in the future, I’d like to offer everybody who pre-orders the digital version a discount so they can get their preferred version and not pay twice for both digital and physical. I truly appreciate your support and don't take it for granted. I hope this will be the first of a lot more new music to come. James Blackshaw, 03/06/23 

[heich0e]

if you've sent in an ask lately that i didn't respond to, it may be answered under the cut! i'll be dividing these posts up by general subject matter so no one has to scroll for too long to find any asks they may have sent. feel free to block the tag #liv got mail if you don't like seeing posts like this. i'm sorry to have kept you waiting, and p.s. i love you very much <3

part four: fic stuff, etc. ✉

✉ Anonymous asked: liv no one writes suna like you how am i supposed to go on when you hate him (affectionately)

u should try hating on him too it's very liberating and he's an easy target <3

✉ Anonymous asked: not a day goes by when I don't think about pollute I deeply thank you for making it 🩷😔🙏

ahhhh yes... polluted.... my gang-num opus.... thank u for enjoying one of the nastiest things i have ever written we are in this together now!!

✉ @just-jordie-things asked: hello here like everyone else to make sure you get so much love for your mini series with megumi 🤗🤭 (and also i just binged the rest of your work too 😭 😂) i love your writing style it’s so addicting i feel so involved in your stories. and i just loooove how you write megumi !! excellent work i hope you had fun with it!! have a great day/night 🫶

HI JORDIE!! u are SO KIND!! i am so happy you enjoyed the series (and hopefully whatever else you read!!) and i really really really REALLLLY appreciate you taking a moment to share these sweet words w me. sending u love and endless gratitude!! <3

✉ Anonymous asked: Hey Liv, just wanted to reach out to you

Hopefully you don't feel overwhelmed or something like that regarding your last series and everything that came along with it (also your last asks were... Let's say bizarre), so I just wanted to remind you that while I think you're an amazing writer and love what you post, I do not simply follow you for the content you put out: in fact I've become more an more interested in your persona, I think you're hilarious and witty and kind and I find myself looking forward to even you reblogging art and your keysmashes in the tags

Thank you for being so special Liv!!♥️🤩

this really ought to have gone in the love letter section because it's so incredibly sweet of you to say. u might have questionable taste in girlbloggers but omg your heart is so beautiful and kind :') thank YOU for making me FEEL so special, and for taking the time out of your life to do so. i adore u more than i could ever say and i am sending u roughly 92 MILLION kisses. love u so big.

✉ Anonymous asked: hi liv! whenever u see this i just wanted to say that im sorry u felt like u couldnt continue posting smth u created and had fun making onto ur little corner of the internet that we all have the privilege of sharing w u 🖤 it rlly does hurt when smth we make and are excited to share with others isnt met w the same kind of enthusiasm. even tho it's understandable why some ppl weren't huge fans of ur mini megumi series, im sure it was still a bit hurtful. i just wanted to say that everything you create, no matter who likes or dislikes it, is beautiful and deserving of love and recognition for the effort, time and emotions you put into making it. i hope ur break is relaxing and lovely, and i cant wait to continue supporting u and ur creativity when u get back 🖤🖤🖤

thank u little guy. i appreciate you and these words very very much <3

✉ Anonymous asked: just read the Megumi drabble series and saw your prev asks answering the continuation of it, and let me just say that (a) i LOVED the series it's absolutely adorable and also angsty and (b) i completely understand if you decide not to continue!!!! i just wanted to show some support ❤️❤️ your writing's incredible ❤️❤️ regardless of if it'll continue or not, it was an amazing read!

thank you for reading and enjoying it!! you are so sweet!! sending u a big tight squeeze

✉ Anonymous asked: LOVE YOUR LATEST MEGUMI FIC!!! I know it’s easier said than done but I hope you become more comfortable with posting whatever you want in you little corner of the internet!!!

ahhhhhh i hope so too!! and i am so grateful you enjoyed it!! thank you friend <3

✉ Anonymous asked: I loved the recent series of veterinarian Megumi and his son so much, I loved your writing. I understand you're not going to continue, but I appreciate you writing it anyway.💓

and i appreciate u reading it!!!! and enjoying it!! it means so much to me!! blowing u a big kiss rn

✉ Anonymous asked: hi hi Liv ❤️ I just wanted to say I respect your choice to not post more of your oopsy baby series to prevent others from becoming uncomfortable, and I just hope it doesn’t diminish your own joy for writing and creating.

I think it’s totally fair to acknowledge that you hadn’t included a warning or anything about the kid (almost definitely) being Megumi and reader’s, cuz that happens sometimes! Things slip through! But at the same time people don’t have to keep reading if they get to a point they’re not enjoying it.

I think I speak for a lot of people when I say I just want you to be happy in your space, so whatever way you choose to achieve that is of course the best choice for you ❤️❤️

hi hi FRIEND!! thank you for such sweet words and for being so understanding and kind. LOVE UUUUUU

✉ Anonymous asked: just wanna compliment you cause its honestly so impressive that you managed to write and outline multiple stories in the past two weeks. you never fail to amaze me with your creativity keep up with the amazing stuff and take care of yourself :)

i feel so SO lucky to have an outlet to dump all my silly little ideas into when they strike, and to have people (like you!!) who are there to enjoy them along with me!! hope you're well sweet thing!!

✉ Anonymous asked: PLEASE GOD YOUR WRITING IS IMMACULATE. LIKE DOWNRIGHT SWEEPING ME OFF MY FEET IN HAPPINESS WHEN I SEE YOU POST IMMACULATE.

write whatever makes you comfortable, parenthood or not because after all, YOU are the one who is writing it and everyone has their own responsibility to scroll if they dont like your comment. anyway, sending lots of love, YOU DESERVE IT ALL!!

WAHHH u are so kind!! sending u a big squish and so much love right back <3 and thank you for such a lovely bit of reassurance i appreciate u!!

[one last note: there were some other asks about the mini megumi series that i wasn't sure if i should include. i never want to post or share anything that someone might interpret as targeted, or alienating, or sensitizing in any way—and i'm ready to move on and not rehash any old wounds. i know they all came from a very kind place, and i am so truly and sincerely appreciative of anyone who reached out to check on me, or support me, or tell me that they enjoyed the series. love u always and tremendously, liv. xx]

[in-my-feels-probably]

hey there! i'm interested in getting option 2 for the 1.5k event. i would love the vampire diaries/the originals fandom.

pronouns: she/her

interested in being shipped with the boys

hobbies: singing in a band, reading fantasy novels, taking long naps, collecting things like stickers/journals/postcards, drawing, crocheting

i'm an INFJ Ravenclaw

i'm a very short redhead with blue gray eyes. common people i'm told i look like: lucy hale, florence pugh, hailee steinfeld, danielle campbell

personality time! (oh gosh)

i'm the type of person that people regard as being very well adjusted but honestly i'm having a mental breakdown most of the time.

i'm a deeply empathetic person, i care a lot about others and sometimes i forget to care for myself because of it. if someone i care about is in trouble, or needing my help, i will drop everything i'm doing to assist them. i also love sending care packages and letters to people.

i have taken in many of my friends throughout my life because they needed a place to stay. unfortunately, this aspect of my personality has also led to me being scorned many times (i see the good in people and tend to overlook the bad).

BECAUSE of that scorn though, i have developed some trust issues.

on the flip side of my sensitive/kind nature, i can be very feisty. when i'm frustrated i just want to beat up something, and i become very passionate towards injustice. my friends say i'm like a kitten with a knife.

additionally, i would consider myself a brave person. I don't struggle to have hard conversations with people (i don't like them but I'll do it), I've stood up to every bully I've ever had, and I've asked out every crush. unfortunately, this has led to me being rejected multiple times (contributing to my sense of no one ever being able to love me)

due to my trust issues and rejections, i tend to feel like an outsider in most of my friend groups. it can be very lonely.

TO FINISH IT OFF (this has become too long), i would consider myself a wise/intelligent person (i give good advice), resilient, but also easy going.

i'm a words of affirmation girlie, so i would love in a relationship to feel supported and welcome when i often don't feel accepted in a space.

i also would love someone who doesn't mind me going on about my hyperfixations for hours (which i will do when i get comfortable).

i'm also very touch starved but i will never initiate it (i like when my friends hug me but i will never go to hug them first).

hope that information was helpful! i realize i sound crazy

hi!

thanks for participating :)

i ship you with stefan!

i know damon is more of the collector type, but i feel like stefan is too when it comes to sentimental things. a lot of things he could collect would have bad memories attached to them if he got them in one of the periods his humanity was off. but, when he saw how much you liked collecting things, he’d attach new memories to them. he’d gift little things to you if you expressed interest in them, i totally think one of his love languages is gift giving.

stefan is also a really empathetic person. he’s directly protective of the ones he loves, and he’d admire that you’re the same way. he feels a lot for the people he cares for, even taking on their feelings as his own. he’d see that you felt as deeply as he did, and it would bring you closer together. knowing the signs of a breakdown because he’s all too used to having them himself, he’d be especially helpful for when you felt overwhelmed and anxious. and he’d know he could lean on you when he felt the same, knowing you were one of the only people who truly understood the complexity of those feelings.

hot take, but i think stefan is a glass half empty kind of guy. he’s has too much happen to him in his life to remain entirely optimistic. he puts on a good front, but you’d be able to see right through it. he’s quick to think of the worst case scenario—the good part of that being he’s always prepared to deal with it. and while he can he incredibly patient, he also has a short temper. but around you, he’d learn to control it. you’d make him feel like it was ok to try and have a better outlook on his life and circumstances.

he’d understand that life has made you a little reserved when it comes to learning to trust people. and he’d feel extra special when you let him in and let yourself be vulnerable with him. he’d also 100% be down to be with you and away from the group. while he enjoys hanging out with friends, he’d much rather be alone with you. when you needed a day to recharge, he’d be happy to give you it. but he’d never let you shut him out, and he’d never let you feel lonely. you’d be stuck with him for better or worse. quality time is another love language of his. he’d find it so endearing when you’d ramble on about your hobbies and interests. no matter what they were or how much he was or wasn’t interested in them, he’d be content to hear about them just because you enjoy them. and he’d be happy to join you with them.

i don’t think physical touch is that important to stefan. while he’d certainly enjoy hugging you and holding your hand and being close, he doesn’t need to. he’d never want to do anything that made you uncomfortable, and he’d be content just being in the same room as you. but he’d also be able to sense when you needed a hug, even if you didn’t ask for one. he’s so good with words, he’d make you feel comfortable enough to initiate touch with him yourself if you wanted to.

—

one perk of being a vampire nearly two centuries old is the sheer amount of journals he’d been able to collect over the years. one day, he’d take you to the library in the house full of books from various time periods. he’d show you a small section off in a corner that damon never bothered venturing over to full of leather bound journals—some filled, some empty. he’d pull a almost entirely blank one off the shelf, handing it to you.

he’d smile as you looked at him in amazement, gently flipping through the pages. “where did you get this? it’s beautiful.”

“chicago, 1929,” he’d recall, flipping it over to show you the initials carved into the spine. “i had a loft above this speakeasy there. it was left on the counter one night after close, and no one came to claim it. the bartender was about to throw it away before i got to it.”

you’d open the journal once more, your brows furrowing as you looked at the front page. “just this page was written in. and this isn’t your handwriting, so it must be from whoever left it behind. why didn’t you rip out this page and start it over? you kept it with you all these years just to never use it?”

he’d chuckle, glancing up at the shelf of journals tucked away. “i never needed to. i had plenty of others to use. it seemed like a waste.”

“why not throw it away if you planned on never using it?” you’d ask, holding it out for him to take.

“i don’t know. maybe i was waiting for the right person to come along. you’d certainly get more use out of it than me.”

your eyes would light up, making him smile. “you’re giving it to me?”

he’d nod, his eyes softening on you as you beamed up at him.

“baby, you could have the whole shelf if you wanted it.”

—

i don’t love how this turned out but i’m sleep deprived and i don’t wanna make you wait any longer, so here you go! i promise i’ll write something better next time if you’re here for 1.7k lol. thank you again for participating! i hope you enjoyed this :)

[gg-selvish]

i saw your post and i realized that i definitely haven't left enough comments on your ao3 works for how much i enjoy them, so here. i wanted to let you know that you are one of my favorite, if not my all-time favorite, dream team writer. i love to read your nsfw works because they're hot and sexy, yes, but also? you have one of the best characterizations of the guys that i've seen, ESPECIALLY in nsfw works. i have had to almost immediately click off of so many fics because they just don't get the characters and their dynamics right imo, but your fics? i read them over and over. every single time i get an email that you've updated or posted a piece, i genuinely get so excited when i see that it's you.

your karl/george series is something that i will love forever and ever. i'm ace and i adore the way you portrayed karl and his sexuality in every one. it's so refreshing to find a good nsfw work that has a well written asexual character!!! i may not like knf as a ship very much, but i love them the way you write them so much.

there's so much i'm probably forgetting to say right now, but just know that i thoroughly love everything i've read from you. your works are amazing with and without the nsfw parts. please know that there are people out there (me) reading your fics for more than the smut. you deserve to know that.

<3

okay wow um this is a lot in a very good way but i'm definitely overwhelmed? normally when i get nice stuff like this i just say thank you but i've been in a chatty mood today so i'm going to turn this into A Thing if u dont mind... i really, really appreciate this. i've had a strange experience in this fandom where the whole time i've been here i've had a pretty even split of 'you're a delusional freak and i hope you die' and 'you're my favourite author please never stop posting' and my brain doesn't really know what to do about the black and white of it so normally i just move on and block it out but that's lead to me being incredibly insecure about myself and my work so i'm going to try really hard to process this and internalize it lol

so again, thank you so much for saying this to me. it really means a lot to me to hear that people like my fic because it takes up so much space in my brain and sometimes i get worried i'm only still getting any positive acknowledgement out of obligation and less so because what i'm doing is actually worth a compliment. i've felt really bad about my writing for a while now and it's nice to hear from someone who isn't my established friend that it's worth reading. and enjoyed too! wow thats crazy to me genuinely. i really do think im shit most days. especially my works of the last stretch.

regarding you (& only you) this is a lot easier for me to hear. i love that series so much and it makes my heart happy to know other ace people appreciate it and view it as positive representation because i'm asexual and always worry it reads as just porn. this comes into play with the comments thing again... me putting a lot of personal experience and deep thought into dynamics with no pay off. obviously i'm not saying every fic in that series is groundbreaking or even worth reading, but idk they each have a piece of importance to them. at least to me. i was just saying the other day that in my lapses of writers block i get anxious about the last thing i've posted being not my best work. in this current hiatus i'm in i'm actually quite content with EASE being the latest work in my recents. sure rules is unfinished but i kind of hate that fic so whatever. EASE is good. i love how that turned out and i'm proud of it and comfortable with that being the first thing people see on my profile

all insecurity and internal pressure aside i love writing for this fandom and hope i can do it for at least a little longer. i'm immeasurably grateful that people are willing to still read what i create, it makes creating it a little easier. i sound like a broken record but really thank you for this. it means more to me than you could know.

[astertimberwolf]

If there's something I've learnt in life, it's that hurt people... Hurt people.

Maybe they've never felt what true, heartfelt, unconditional love is like.

Maybe nobody taught them to show empathy and be kind, despite their personal issues overwhelming them...

Whichever the case may be, I do try to give people the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes excessively so... to my own detriment.

I'm a creature of strong, intense emotions. I sometimes still act on impulse and do stupid things when I panic or when anxiety overwhelms me... But I do not take my anger, sadness or resentment out on anyone else. No matter how much I've been through, have suffered- or am currently suffering. I made it my personal goal to try to cause the least amount of damage / suffering to people. Especially when they're not in a good mental state... I wish other people could pick up on this too.

Maybe I'm too empathetic and optimistically delusional for my own good. Maybe I should view the world and people in a much more cut and dry, cynical way... But I don't want to. I'm tired of living like that- of eliminating people's humanity, feelings, complexity and worth by oversimplifying them or the problem, deflecting blame- or assigning labels to people as if they were something static that will never change.

The world is full of colours. The world is filled with people suffering, all with their own unique struggles / hell-shaped frames of mind. I want to help people heal. I want to alleviate their- OUR collective suffering, but people who still think in extremes of black and white- who only rely on their anger and negative emotions... They are not going to understand. They are going to aplify their own suffering and everyone else's, with very little regard towards the consequences to their actions. It's a sign of immaturity, deeper issues... And probably negative reinforcement. Social and environmental exposure condition people to be like that.

It takes true courage to break out of that vicious cycle of indifference, brutality and negligence... To grow as an individual and put an end to the cycle of violence- the cycle of abuse people are stuck in.

I overcame my own trauma... By empathizing with the guy that r*ped me. By understanding what led him to do what he did. It doesn't mean I forgave him. It doesn't mean that my rage towards him wouldn't be there if I were to ever meet him again... But I understood- I saw through him- and I let all the memories flood back and fire up the excruciating pain, disgust, helplessness and terror that I had ran away from for so many years... And then I was free. As light as a feather. The invisible weight finally off my shoulders... Gone. I had healed.

...

Empathy can go a really long way. It's not a sign of weakness. It's a sign of maturity- of understanding. Being able to think beyond yourself and your own ego. A gift to see things for what they truly are.

...

My autism doesn't allow me to predict everything- or read social situations correctly. It makes me mess up more than I would be willing to admit. It has led to trauma being formed around social interactions. Trauma that I re-live on an emotional level due to CPTSD whenever similar situations develop that take me back to what I felt in the past situation that the present one is resembling.

I'm not the brightest, I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed by far... But I don't share my feelings online to garner "attention". I simply choose to perpetuate my own karma... So that people who cannot fathom being around me because of my past block and leave me, while those who remain and read what I write as a cautionary tale, might be dissuaded from making the same mistakes I did. I can be a living bad example so that someone else can learn.

This concept seems to escape a lot of younger generations' minds. Why? Maybe they didn't have the socialization they needed as a kid... and all they were ever exposed to was all the noise, hysteria and gut reactions people have on the internet. Nothing that ever effectively taught them how to adapt in life... And led them to develop social anxiety, anti-social traits, feelings of inadequacy and yearning for attention themselves, mistaking it for love- or worse yet: a way to feel accepted and feed their own ego / self-esteem.

All of this to say that- no... Nothing I ever said, did, posted or reblogged was ever done out of some twisted need for attention. This is just my way to exist in this chaotic-ass world.

I think, I overthink. I share, I overshare. I rant, I vent, I seek things that make me feel something, because I too have been hurt as a child. I too- did not have the support that I needed, when I needed it. I too- share the burden, the suffering that comes with life.

The only difference between me and a lot of other people out there, is that I have once felt unconditional love. I know what it looks like, feels like- and what it entails, as well as what it doesn't... And I lost it all way too soon.

The reason I am in love with Ruby Rose, a fictional character from the show RWBY? It's because she has all the hallmark traits of the person I lost so many years ago. She is brave, altruistic, empathetic, protective, understanding and caring... And most importantly, despite all the grief and weight she carries on her shoulders, she still finds the time to be there for other people, to be a good friend, a good leader- a sunshine of optimism and the glue that holds everyone together and makes them a family. Without Ruby, Weiss and Blake would have never gotten along. Yang and Blake would have likely never reconciled- because Weiss wouldn't have learnt that kindness, empathy and understanding from her that was needed to approach the situation with tact and slowly coax Yang into talking to Blake again.

Be more like Ruby. Learn to see others, understand them- feel them, instead of neglecting everything to try to save- or safeguard your own ego.

There is more to life than suffering.

[haila-wetyios]

For your charas: 30. Who do they most regret meeting? For you: A) Why are you excited about this character? B) What inspired you to create them?

Who do they most regret meeting?

In Haila's case, definitely the person she regrets meeting the most was a Keeper by the name of Khona'to Garanjy. There was a time when Haila actively sought people out to talk to them, and Khona'to was one such person, though for her very own reasons.

She noticed something particularly similar to herself when it came to aether signatures, and both were somehow relieved to discover the reason behind it. Haila's aether was partially corrupted after Carteneau, which attuned her to the dreadwyrm's aether, but also claimed her left eye in the process. Khonato's aether was also corrupted and attuned to the dreadwyrm, losing his right eye in the process.

Both were the perfect reflection of the other in red and blue eyes, with the only difference that Haila's condition had been the result of a natural accident, while Khonato's was the result of a controlled experiment.

Under normal circumstances, this would have created a good natured bond between the two as they held mutual curiosity with an extension to friendship towards the other.

But things didn't turn out that way. Khona'to ran a grey business, and one of the jobs he accepted turned out to be to hunt Haila down for information regarding a drug smuggled from Garlemald that she'd come accross and hid from the public.

Work is work, and no matter the refusal to cooperate, or the fact Haila pleaded him to not do that and still betting on the goodness of his heart. She was captured, dragged away and tortured with no remorse from him or his associates to the point of almost losing her sanity.

When word got out of what had been done to her, and how Haila's own people were now on the hunt for him and his company, he went as far as to throw his partner out as bait to take full responsibility for it.

Needless to say that, even though Haila wanted her revenge, she felt disgusted and sick to her core when finding out how he washed his hands off his own partner to get away with everything.

She regrets ever approaching him, and trying to find a mutual understanding of one another for the hand they'd been dealt in life.

A) Why are you excited about this character?

I've actually had an on and off struggle with Haila over excitement about her as a character. But that's mostly from my bias of being wary of lorebending or power levels just for the sake of wanting to be accepted by other RPers. Which is the wrong approach and something that takes time to come to terms with. One should write what they like regardless of what others think, and I still struggle to do that with Haila. I like her, she's been with me for a decade now as a character, but I have a hard time being more open both to myself and others about playing her the way I'd like.

I feel like a kid that is embarrassed about telling others that they still play with dolls. I have tropes and things I love but restrained myself to an unhealthy level that makes it hard for me to accept and not be wary of just doing what makes me happy. And that's not adding my own issues with my coping mechanism in life that has been affecting me far more as of late, if it's too overwhelming, just don't feel anything at all.

Haila's one of my first characters, and I have a lot of lore and stories I do hope to share more openly someday with people though. I want her to be pretty, I want her to show more confidence both ICly and from the way I write her. I just want her to be strong and happy and also adopt all the chaotic children she can without remorse that she's imposing on others for doing that.

B) What inspired you to create them?

I like covering this part every now and then lol. Haila's just a mere coincidence that took shape on her own. I didn't know about RP when I first made a Haila in XIV. I just gave her red and blue eyes as a reference to my Mabinogi character who had had a phase of dressing purely in blue or purely in red in a fox and swan aesthetic. Got white marks on both cheeks because sure why not and then got thrown out into the world as Haila Sinclair from Tiamat (JP) and then Lich (EU). Heck, Haila Wetyios was only supposed to be my Balmung "alt" after seeing a lot of people being in that server in Tumblr and slowly getting to know about RP as a whole in it. Wetyios is just the last name I liked the most from a fantasy last name generator. And when I first started her out, I literally threw in the amnesiac trope until she or myself figured out exactly what she was about.

All in all, I just like refined ladies who are still strong one way or the other (and the color red and blue).

[dailylumi]

Jan 5th

Well looks like I forgot to write the second part for yesterday but oh well we move on and don't think about it.

I think today was a better day overall than the past few days in all honesty. I mean it was still a mixed bag kind of day but the good really carried me through the day to be honest.

To start, I've been really sleep deprived lately and today was no exception. I slept somewhere between 6-7 but I forgot about ember's appt so I had to get up at 9 to take him. Feel like that was my own fault among my other issues with sleep and my avoidance of it. But yeah very off state as usual and while I wasn't grumpy I felt a bit sensitive and just overall dread this morning.

I already feel embarrassed writing this next part cause I know they read this SAKSLDJ

I think the main turn around for the day was a phone call with my bff. I don't know it just meant so much and was just so nice. They're such a grounding person for me and I'm always so grateful with just everything. I dont know just the phone call made me finally feel like time slowed down for a second and forget about everything for a little while. It's kind of ironic since the time went by so fast on the phone LMAO. Really it was the sense of connection for me through the phone call. I know that I am always connected with them and I bother them literally all day but mental illness and boundaries just makes me feel disconnected when I know that isn't it all.

I feel like that left me with a lot of serotonin and feeling of ease like I was okay for the day. I feel like they do that a lot for me :( I tried to make myself sleep but I couldn't really force it so I read manga until I passed out for like 40 minutes. It was really short and I felt more tired when I woke up but I think it's probably good I got a bit more rest.

The rest of today felt slow. I didn't know what to really do but I ended up cutting my hair since it has been a bit. I think I'm always frustrated with my hair. It feels like there is nothing I can do with it and Ive just had the same overall short hair style my whole life. If it grows past a certain point it just becomes too curly to manages and dries out super fast. I wish I could experience a different hairstyle but that feels like a reach both from logical standpoints and from my lack of self esteem on the matters. I feel like id just look weird doing something new. One day I should try dyeing it maybe I wanna try.

Thinking about the future there is just so much that feels overwhelming but at the same time I know I'm not completely alone regarding it. I don't really wanna talk about the things changing in the future but maybe my worries.

Ive been so worried about the future and meeting people. I am someone who is so bad at first impressions and worried about upsetting others. I know that I would try my hardest to get along and not cross lines with people but Ive begun wondering if any of my habits would cause any issues. I just don't want to be hated or do something off putting especially since I can be unaware of things at times.

On a separate but slightly connected note I feel like I should try to be more outgoing and form an actual friendship. I think I am still acting a bit stand offish and shy and thats because I really am but also like what if I am hated lmaoo I usually don't care if others hate me because I am mostly disconnected from people but it feels like I can't be like that right now. It helps nothing and my anxiety won't let me.

Sometimes I really wonder if I ever let myself breathe or am I just someone stuck in an endless loop of mental illness and self deprecation lmao

I'll never really know but I don't think the answer matters as long as I don't cause others to feel suffocated by my issues and presence.

I think tomorrow might be a bit of a better day. I might see a friend in person that I haven't seen in like 7 months. So that might be interesting.

Can't believe I'm on a three day streak of posting. Hopefully I can continue

[nctrice]

Professor Jaehyun x Female Reader

Rating: 18+🛑

Word count: 2K

Content: smut, unprotected sex, fingering, dominant Jaehyun, praising, teacherxstudent, dilf Jaehyun, slight public intercourse

Disclaimer: I do not own Jung Jaehyun nor claim him in any sort of way. This Fanfiction is made up out of pure imagination and is strictly just fiction.

A/N: this is my first time writing for this tumblr platform and please give strict constructive advice if needed! Thanks!

___________________________

"Gosh he's hot!" I whispered under my breath gazing upon the dilf himself, Mr.Jung or in other words my calculus professor.

He stood tall and confident in front of the oddly huge white board, broad shoulders facing the class until he eventually turns around to ask a random student to answer the question that I had yet to even realize what it was. He swiftly scans the multiple rows of seats depicting who had been paying attention and who hasn't. I slowly began to sink in my seat avoiding be called on at any cost.

"Ah, y/n! I see you there! Come up here and answer this question for the class." He demands in a polite manner.

I had no problem with it of course, until he said to come forth. This is a first he's ever asked anyone to write the actual answer. My heart pounds within my chest, praying I don't make a fool of myself walking down or back up these unnecessarily wide stairs.

Mr.Jung steps aside and greets me with his well known charming smile. The amount of times this man alone has made me want scream to knock all the built up nerves out of my body. He made me feel more than just butterflies, I couldn't quite put a finger on it.

"Need help?" Mr.Jung folds his arms stepping closer.

"N-no thank you, I'm sure I got it."

My hands fumbled to reach for the dry erase marker he held out for me. It was a bit warm considering he's been holding it for more than half the class. I took a quick glance at the question, immediately regretting what I said. I did indeed need help, and I don't got it. I'm sure he could tell I was hesitating as my finger sits comfortably above my top lip.

'here goes nothing.' I thought before writing what I thought was the right answer. Mr.Jung examined the question, "close but not quite. The answer was -9, you forgot to subtract this which why you got -2. Try another easy one similar to this."

Bullshit. This question didn't look no where as easy. If I mess up again oh well, it's not like he'd pop out with another question to further embarrass me. As I thought long and hard about the problem, it began to feel like it was just us two. Him applying an uncomfortable amount of pressure with just the distance between us and me panicking underneath his anticipated stare.

"Not quite right neither, it'd be best for you to stay after class you seem to be having a lot of troubles."

Mr.Jung wiped the whiteboard free of any writing once I answered the last question and moved on with his lessons. I barely made it to the first step before he had wrote the next problem to briefly go over thanks to me. His words far more stern and exaggerated in attempt to sub me. Out of my entire time being in his class this had been the most I've ever seen this man share eye contact. Yet, it wasn't sweet and kind, more like curiosity had taken over and he couldn't get why I answered both questions incorrectly.

That exact thought had been on his mind throughout the rest of the class. A part of him felt anxious to know what it was that made me fumble at the problem that he knew I could solve perfectly fine on my own.

______________________

"Alright you all have a great rest of your afternoon and please do study for this upcoming test. It'll be more than 40% of your grade!" Mr.Jung announced as the classroom flooded out the doors, All except one person.

"Ms.l/n,"

He heaved a deep sigh, shoving his hands into his almost too tight dress pants pocket. He paced around his desk before sitting directly on the rounded edge. He looked dramatically intimidating, like he wanted to degrade you the moment he could.

"Is everything okay? You're normally really good with math. It hurt me to see you troubled with such an easy question."

My hands couldn't help but fiddle with the zipper sewed into my bag. How was I supposed to tell my teacher that he was the problem. Not in any sort of bad way, and not in any good way neither.

"Yeah I'm fine, just had a rough week." I lied.

"You seem kind of tense. Am I making you uncomfortable?" He innocently spoke while his eyes examined my body for some type of body language.

My knees buckled, hands folding anything to keep me calm, and not mentioning my blushed face. I was 100% sure that my face was completely flushed a crimson red. There was no denying it.

He didn't wait for an answer, and simply lowered his curtain covering the window then locked the door. I was unsure of what his intentions were but my mind was far off somewhere it shouldn't be regarding the fact that I'm just his student. The thought of him shoving all of his folders and papers off his desk and pinning me clouded my mind. My dying fantasy to have the slightest interaction that no other girl has ever had with him.

"I'm all ears. That's if you're comfortable with telling me of course." He knocked me into reality as I began to feel guilty for thinking negatively of his intentions.

"I'm not sure I can be completely honest." I mumbled beneath my breath breaking eye contact.

"And why is that?"

Mr.Jung held his arm out for me to grab. With little to no hesitation at all, I placed my hand in his. His thumb grazes over my knuckles a fee times until his eyes darted up towards mine.

"Cause I'm in no sort of position to have such thoughts."

I simply remove my hand from his grip feeling the tense sensation overwhelm me once again building up the need to put an end to this. He sensed it immediately.

"Turn around."

"Huh?"

"I'm not gonna say it again." His voice had more depth and demand stringing to it.

I did exactly what he said, no questions asked. His hands set firmly on my shoulders guiding me closer towards him until I felt the warmth radiating off of his body and onto mine. His thumb running deep circles into my shoulder blades releasing the tension that remained.

"Now tell me what position you feel you need to be in."

His hands made its way to my spine tracing all the way down to my waist before kneading my lower back.

"Missionary?"

"That can work too but I meant regarding to what you said. What position do you need to be in to have such dirty thoughts?"

By now, you were inches away from in between his legs, as much as I wished to be in this dearest situation, my first instinct was to freeze up. Was this really happening?

"I'm just your student. The things I want to do will ruin your career." I admitted.

He hummed at my answer willingly holding my waist and pulling me directly into his lap. I felt the slightest bulge poking me through my thin leggings. His head rested onto my right shoulder sending shivers down my back.

"There's nothing wrong with the student getting a little extra lesson with chemistry." He bluntly stated right beneath my ear.

I began to feel throbbing and anticipation between my legs.  Or maybe I had just noticed it now. His hands ventured from my waist toward the hem of my leggings, thumb pushing past my leggings and rubbing the outline of my panties. My stomach bursted with butterflies under his touch. He bit his lips as he felt the smooth lace of my underwear.

"Good choice Ms.l/n," he huskily whispered.

"Tell me about how you fantasize about me in explicit detail if you would."

My chapped lips parted realizing a deep breath I held in since he began to touch me in the ways I haven't yet imagined. His fingers trailed down to palm my womanhood gently creating the knot in my stomach.

"You had me alone like now, desperately removing everything off the desk to pin me down. Ripping my shirt in half as you cupped my boobs. One hand busy playing with my nipples, the other rubbing rough circles on my clit as you told me come."

He chuckled in response as he removed his hand from me and remained silent. As much as I wanted to turn around a catch a glimpse of his face, I was already too embarrassed sharing my intimate dreams with him.

He bit his lips dauntingly, "can I?"

"What?"

"Can I make that dream a reality?"

He slightly nibbled onto my ear, heat fuming from my dripping core soaking my panties by the second. I silently nodded afraid to speak at all. "I want to hear you say it, can I touch you?"

"Yes, Mr.Jung."

"Good girl, just for this I'll allow you to call me Jaehyun okay baby?"

I nodded once again holding back the whimpers threatening to leave my lips. His hands rubbed my ass gently getting rough within seconds, groping me every chance he got. The bulge teasingly poked at my core as he undid his pants lowering his draws enough to let his member spring free; slowly stroking himself onto my ass. Jaehyun grunted as the friction increased. His fingers tugged the the hem of my leggings sliding them down to my knees locking them in place.

"Damn you're sexy." He moaned taking in the sight of my now exposed ass. He stroked himself aggressively before tracing my spine with his fingers and bending me over. His other hand pushing my panties to the side as he inserted double digits into my soaked core curling his fingers and his thumb circled my clit. My breath became unstable panting like there was no tomorrow.  My walls clenched amongst his digits fighting the urge to come.  "Mhmm I-I can't hold it." I moaned balling my fists up against my knees for support. He took his digits out sucking every ounce making sure I heard the slurping noise before he lined himself at my entrance.

I inhaled a sharp breath as he entered his tip inside me. I had no clue how big he was but felt my walls adjusting to the girth of him. I bit my lip, holding back from the moans. His hands firmly placed on my hips as he shoved the rest of his large length inside me. I let out a small gasp followed with hitched breaths as his length reached what felt like my cervix. "Shh, you don't want no one to hear you don't you?" He whispered stopping in his tracks for a split second. He pulled almost all the way out coated with your juices only just to shove his length in back in reaching spots he may have missed.

"Oh fuck." Jaehyun groaned thrusting sluggishly. My walls clenched around him causing his grip to tighten on my waist. Tears streaming down my face in pleasure. He picked up the pace being careful enough to refrain from making any clapping noises. As much as he want to rail me until my eyes rolled back and seen stars he couldn't, not in this environment. Yet it was still enough to satisfy the both of our needs. Soft whimpers were the only thing he'd allow out of my mouth, anything louder than that he'd immediately pull out as a sign of punishment. His hand left my waist grabbing fistfuls of my hair and yanking it to see my fucked out facial expressions.

"Jaehyun." I breathed out as he rammed into me.

"Ms.l/n, you dirty little slut of mine, Ms.l/n you feel so good taking all my length in your wet pussy." He groaned aggressively in my ear pounded into me completely forgetting the fact that we were in his classroom. ~

"Ms.l/n! Please stop zoning out in my class!" Mr.Jung semi-shouts jolting me out of my day dream.  I immediately fixed my posture examining the dozens of eyes all drawn towards me including Mr.Jeong. He cocked an eyebrow at me before running his tongue on the inside of his cheek.

"See me after class." He demanded and continued on with his lesson. And just like that, I added on to my series of fantasies with my Calculus professor.

.

[moogghost]

i keep writing office supply angst and i don't know why

also i did try to write tape's accent for once but i am not fully committing to it either. just know that Taniel does speak like that in-game but i refuse to write all of it like that

Saxen walked outside of the small, mushroom-shaped house - things had been slightly cramped, and besides...she didn't exactly want to be in the house. There were too many things going on that she didn't understand and too many things that she wished she didn't understand, the extent be damned. Not to mention, the crowded amount within the house...it was far too overwhelming. Voices everywhere, footsteps pounding on her ears, no room to breathe or properly get away...she didn't want any of it.

She took a breath of the cool, ocean air - it smelled of salt, stinging her nose. A tingling sensation lingered within her nose due to it, but...it certainly was a unique smell. Taking another whiff of the air, she grimaced slightly as it filled her lungs. Breathing...she hadn't done this in a while, she believed. Everything still felt odd and out of place - her limbs and body felt stiff and awkward, to the point of a gentle breeze giving her the impression that she would fall over. But still, she was breathing. She clutched onto her chest, shutting her eyes as to avoid getting overstimulated by the sights themselves, too. Breathing felt good, despite the salty tang. For once, it didn't feel like it was something being crammed down her throat, only to be squeezed back out. Maybe the asthma had finally loosened its fierce grip on her - or perhaps it was just a side affect of being newly revived. Either way, it was nice to breathe again.

"'Ey, kid. What's wrong with ya?"

Saxen looked up, still gripping onto her chest. It was Taniel, the ex-pirate who had been revived alongside her and the others. He stood near the edge of the island, his jacket wrapped around his waist. So he's getting too hot out here or something? I don't think I've seen him without the jacket, even just partially. Though his back was turned to her, he still seemed to pick up on her apprehension. He opened his mouth briefly to say something, before shaking his head. What's wrong with him, more like...

Taniel crossed his arms. "Your brother's back inside the house, kid. Dunno what you're doin' out 'ere."

Is he mocking me or something? He has to be. "I know that! What's your deal with sticking your nose into my business?"

"Cool it. I'm just...curious, is all." He sounded as if he wanted to say he was concerned or worried, but clearly thought better of it. Saxen...honestly wished he had said either one, or some other variant, but she didn't want his pity. I don't need any pity. Especially not from some pirate. "Ya don't look like the outside type, either."

Saxen scowled. "Oh, shut up! I can go outside if I want to!"

One of Taniel's eyebrows slowly raised as he meet her gaze, ever so slightly. "Never said ya couldn't." He tightened the wrap around his waist slightly. "Not sure why you're insisting on fighting every little thing I say. Is it just a teenager thing, or...?"

"It is not," she snapped, her cheeks burning. "And I'm just answering your ridiculous questions!" Maybe I should just go back inside, or...

No, no. I am not going to give in that easily!

Taniel regarded her for a moment, then promptly shrugged. "If ya say so. I'm not really in the mood to fight with a child."

"I am not a child, I'm a teenager! Get it right," she seethed, though it was clear Taniel could care less. He sat down on the island shore, eventually laying down on the small patch of grass beneath him. "What are you even doing out here, anyways?"

He yawned loudly. "Tired. Didn't want to deal with everyone else. Currently trying to ignore the small 'uman pest who won't leave me alone."

"What did you just-"

"Good gods, kid. I'm joking."

She crossed her arms, looking away. "...Sure didn't feel like it."

For a brief second, she could hear the grass rustling from in front of her. A small pause went by, before Taniel broke the silence. "I didn't mean it like that, kid. Sorry if I hurt your feelings or...somethin'."

Or something. What a nice apology he has there.

...At least he bothered to clarify and apologise. I know I should be more grateful, but-

"Kid?"

"Hmm? Oh, sorry. I just...was thinking, I guess."

A shadow of doubt was cast over his face, but he didn't press further. "...I came out 'ere to clear my mind, if ya really wanted to know." He turned his back to the ocean, unfurling his fists. "I 'aven't the foggiest idea how any of this 'revival' stuff works...and I dunno why I'd be chosen to be revived, that origami incident be damned."

So he feels...guilty? Self-loathing? He doesn't really act like it, from what I've seen. Though she hadn't known him long (or at least, not in this life), Taniel seemed more obnoxious and arrogant regarding his former profession, at least compared to the others. He would boast about his feats, and would often pick fights with anyone who dared to question his claims. It wasn't uncommon for him to butt heads with Holt due to this - most often they would bicker over Taniel's status as a terror of the Great Sea, or the little things that one did that grated the other's nerves. Saxen wouldn't have thought that Taniel of all people would be...genuinely regretful, or act as such. Or maybe he's just bitter, like Jean-Pierre.

She frowned and looked back up at him. "You as well?"

That seemed to perk his attention; Taniel gave her an odd side glance. "...eh, know what? You can stick around if ya want, kid." He sat back down, though he refrained from resuming his rest on the shore.

Should I? I mean, I don't know him... Well, it wasn't quite like that. She did know him, or at least apparently did when she was first revived. Apparently they were best friends. Apparently, she saw him as an older brother. Apparently she would regularly visit him, even when he was nearing his presumed end. Apparently, he cared about her and her safety, enough that he was willing to kill for her. Apparently they never gave up on each other.

She didn't know him.

...He didn't know her, either.

With a twinge of apprehension, she walked over to him and sat down a few feet away from him. She sat atop her legs, unwilling to let her feet dangle over the water. Her boots felt loose on her feet, and she could feel the breeze morphing into a small gale, slamming onto her back. It was likely the worst position to sit in considering the circumstances, but it was the one that felt the safest to her. Taniel slowly drifted his gaze over towards her, his eyes somewhat wide.

"Ah...alright then," he murmured, taking a few pauses in between his words. "I...well, I'll be real with ya, kid. I'm not the best at comfort and all dat."

Saxen bit back a retort and sighed. "That's...fine. I probably don't deserve it, anyways."

Taniel leaned back, stiffening a bit. "Alright now, look - a murderous pirate like me? I don't deserve any sort of pity or comfort or whatever for the shit I've done. But you? You're just a kid."

"I'm fifteen."

He shrugged. "Still a kid."

She rolled her eyes, huffing quietly. "I don't deserve it, either. My age doesn't make me any less guilty for the things I apparently did..."

"Who cares what happened in that hypothetical second life? For all we know, it was just made up!" Taniel threw his hands up, a scowl on his face; Saxen shrunk back as he did so. Upon noticing, he placed his hands in his lap, frowning. "Eh, sorry. Just..."

Saxen pushed her racing heartbeat to the side, shaking her head. "I-It's okay. You shouldn't have to filter yourself around me." I'm supposed to be a fighter...a warrior. I shouldn't get all sensitive or start crying because of something ridiculous... It couldn't quite get the nasty feelings out of her head, but it managed to keep them at bay for a bit. "Please don't apologise for it."

A flash of sympathy seemed to light up Taniel's face. "Now look - I may be a pirate, sure, but I'm not goin' to trigger a kid's nerves on purpose." Albeit hesitantly, he gently pat Saxen's back. "Ya don't have to shove yourself aside around me, got it?"

Why's he trying to get me to be all vulnerable? Is he trying to let me bring my guard down? She wanted to pry, but she was also certain that it'd just lead to him getting mad again. Whether it be that he actually was trying to catch her in a moment of weakness or general frustration with her, neither would surprise her. So she kept her mouth shut. At least he was trying to be nice about it - which was honestly, a bit of a relief. She knew that she should be more grateful than anything. I...shouldn't care that he's being nice in the first place, though. Or be relieved that he's keeping me in mind. He's the adult, and I'm the child - the child who needs to be strong when necessary and keep her mouth shut in any other situation.

I don't get this man.

Instead of barking back at him, she just nodded. "I...okay." She inhaled sharply as she felt her eyes tense up, ever so slightly. Good gods, Saxen. Don't start sobbing in front of him, too. "So you really don't think any of the origami incident happened?"

Taniel's gaze quickly hardened, just as fast as it froze back up. Awkwardly, he turned his face away. "Eh. I can sorta see it, but me gettin' freed from that icy prison? And being revived along with you and the others for some kinda 'legion of stationery' to serve some teenager king? Sounds stupid." He rested his chin on his palm, sighing. "But, ah...then there's that whole fact that the irritating demigod and that insufferable artist are here, too. So I kinda...can't deny all of it."

"Wait, um...you knew them?" He...knew Jean-Pierre...? What does he mean by that?

I...hope it's not what I think it is, but...

"Eh? Sorta." He plucked a clump of grass from the ground and chucked it at the sea. "I think...I remember meetin' Holt before. Somewhere. Kids, maybe? Dunno. It's kinda hard to forget someone like 'im, ya'know?"

Saxen raised an eyebrow at him, cocking her head to the side. "Because xe's a demigod or because of xyr personality?" Honestly, I can see it either way...Holt never shuts up about being a former demigod, and he can't sit still.

Burying his face into his palms, he groaned quietly. "That's for me to know and for you to never find out."

Oh? So there's more to it than that. Interesting. Saxen honestly didn't find it in her to be all that surprised - while the two did seem to have their fair share of arguments and general bickering over ridiculous things, none of it ever seemed particularly intense or serious. Taniel's jabs at Holt only ever seemed to be general insults that normally wouldn't bother Holt to begin with - it was only ever when Holt had somehow pushed Taniel to the point of exploding when Taniel made it personal. Typically those instances involved Holt bringing up Taniel's loss to the Ice Vellumental, or brought up anything relating too heavily to Taniel's relationship with his old crew. Though of course, it wasn't often that Holt would bring those things up and it only happened in specific circumstances, so she supposed it did make some sort of sense from what she knew.

"Anyways," he coughed after few minutes of hiding his face. "I knew Holt before, I think. And Jean-Pierre...I'll be real, I could be rememberin' wrong. But I can recall seein' someone like 'em while dealin' with some business back in the day." His face scrunched up suddenly. "And if they're here, then...well, I can't really deny that somethin' happened."

She frowned, but said nothing. Ngh...that tells me nothing about his thoughts on Jean-Pierre. There wasn't much use in trying to press him for details on them - it'd just come off as awkward and weird, asking about someone that to him, she hardly knew. She supposed that it was at least better than someone singing their praises; really, that was her main problem with Robin. Though the two fought, Robin typically tried to downplay celes own frustration with sarcastic and often passive-aggressive comments towards them. Even though Saxen was aware of the tone and intent behind those words...it still stung to hear. She couldn't help but feel guilty over the petty anger and shame, but it still rummaged in her mind without a care. Not that she felt entirely bad over it, mind - after all, who would actively want to hear uplifting things about their murderer on a daily basis?

A light bump brushed against her elbow. She glanced over at Taniel. "You good, kid?"

"I..." Is it worth telling him? He already seemed to dislike Jean-Pierre to some extent, after all - maybe they could bond over their mutual dislike of them. Or something. After a few more beats of silence, she shook her head. "Yeah."

A flash of confusion passed through his face, likely due to the conflicting gesture and words. But he simply gave her a nod of acknowledgement. "If ya say so, then. I won't press." He met her gaze for a few moments before quickly turning back to the sea. "But, ah...if ya need anythin', kid, coming to me is an option. In case ya need or, uh...want it. Obviously."

Saxen tried to read his expression; was he joking? He obviously didn't look it, or even sound it, but that couldn't quite stop her from assuming him as such. She couldn't exactly help it, after all - any time an adult in her original life had claimed that they were available to her, they always ended up in fractured relationships and lonely, quiet sobs in the dead of night. During that time, it had become sort of a guessing game to see how exactly it'd play out; maybe they'd tell her they had no time for her "childish drabble," or always conveniently forget their promises to comfort her...or if they seemed to have time for her, then maybe they'd yell at her for daring to put her problems on the same level as the rest of the village's. How exactly would Taniel manage to fall into that same pattern, she wondered. But he's...acting weirdly sincere. Maybe he's just lying, though. To gain my trust, then find a weak spot where it really hurts...it isn't like I haven't already given him an opportunity, but...

As she sat in silence with him, her mind couldn't help but wander back to their earlier conversation. Their apparent 'second chance at life' before the one they were currently living in - one that none of them could particularly remember, and one that no one wanted to divulge the details of. She wasn't too sure how much of it she believed herself - of course, there was Harlow. No matter how much she tried to reason with it, there was simply no way that he was revived alongside her and the others. There was the nervous attitude the Craftsman had towards her especially, only increasing whenever she had her swords on her. Even if he had known her past, she doubted anyone would look at her with that much terror...except maybe Jean-Pierre, if she had been the victor of their match. But it was a mere hypothetical, and the only thing people typically could look at her with was pity or disbelief that the events of her life had even taken place. The fear...she doubted that came from her original life. Truly, who would even look at her with fear in the first place if it was only that?

If that lost second chance was real...she had been friends with Taniel. She'd trusted him with her life, and he had did the same with her. They had been best friends, apparently. Somehow. Despite everything that happened to her in her original life. Maybe I didn't remember my original life in that lifetime... It was mostly just another throwaway excuse she had come up with to continue ignoring the possibility that she'd lived another life she couldn't quite remember. And quite bluntly, the least plausible one she'd come up with yet. She knew the details of her original life fairly well in this lifetime, she wanted to imagine - why would she not remember anything from her original life the first time she'd been revived, presuming it happened? Regardless, that still implied she was able to trust someone after everything...

Taniel... He didn't seem too bad, in a sense. For a pirate who hardly seemed to feel guilt for his many crimes, at least. Of course, maybe he was just lying to her. Liable to forget their conversation ever happened. Taking advantage of her so he could use her weakness against her. But...he didn't really act like the others? Or maybe he was just hiding it extremely well.

I still don't know if that lost life really happened, but if I could trust someone again...that'd be nice. She clearly seemed capable of it in that life. Of course, she didn't know the exact details of how or how true it even was...it wasn't like anyone was willing to tell her too much of what happened, if they could. Perhaps Harlow was trying to make her feel better about the whole ordeal with a few fabrications, or perhaps it was just her falling into the same trap that she had been falling into over and over again.

She inhaled sharply, fighting back the tingling in her eyes again. This time she could feel her eyes beginning to water up. No, no - she was not going to start crying over it again. Maybe for now she should just...avoid thinking about it as much as she could. No, that...that won't work. When has anything like that ever worked for me? Saxen cleared her throat slightly.

"...Taniel?"

"Hmm? What's wrong?"

"Nothing, just...you really mean that?"

"Mean what- oh! Oh, ya mean earlier?"

"Y-yes. You don't have to do that if you really don't want to, you know."

Her words were greeted with a tight embrace from Taniel, him pulling her close with his arm. It was a little awkward, if not for the tension, then it was the stark height difference. He met her gaze, the most direct eye contact he managed to keep with her since they first began talking.

"'Course, kid. I don't mind it one bit."

With that, she let her shoulders drop as she rested her chin on Taniel's own shoulders - of course, there was the inherent awkwardness that came with her and Taniel's heights, but she didn't find her minding it too much. A few tears slipped their way out of her eyes, though she managed to keep them at bay through locking her gaze onto the sea. It wasn't the most efficient, as a few managed to splatter onto Taniel's coat...but it didn't matter too much to her in that moment. All that really mattered was that she felt safe. Maybe - she wasn't too sure yet. Whatever that lost version of her did or felt, she didn't know. In the end, she only had her current self to rely on for this. Her and her original life.

But maybe...just maybe things could turn out okay.

[rinniealt]

Idk what's up with me & My obsession with gamers but yeah...Requests are open (is that how you say it? Idk)

DREAM X READER

Warnings: Angst to Fluff, Cursing,Mean words (?), Insecurities, Yelling, Broken glass (?),Mention of Blood. Tell me if I missed anything.(maybe also typos)

You may now proceed to the story

Also, I don't think I used any pronouns or indication regarding the gender of the reader but I might be wrong though

✧⁺⸜(●˙▾˙●)⸝⁺✧

Btw, This was inspired by that one oneshot (okey so I still can't find the one shot I'm so sorry I'm still looking for it I know I'm an idiot but would y'all please help me ;-;?)

You were feeling lonley. I mean why wouldn't you? Your boyfriend has been in his room for more than 6 hours, Editing his live stream. You just wanted an ounce of his attention, Maybe just a peck on the lips would be okey (but obviously not enough.)

You debated whether you should go in his room or sit there and watch another cheesy movie and make fun of it. You wondered abit and decided to go to your boyfriend's room and serve hin water at least to quench his thirst after all he has been in there for a while now.

You grab a glass and poured water in it (I know, Shocker) and made your way to Clay's room. You knocked three times and didn't hear an answer. Assuming he didn't hear you, You invited yourself in. "Clay.." You called out softly and carefully walking towards him. You called to him again but still no answer. You tapped his shoulder and his body jolted upwards. He turn to you, his eyebrows were scrunched and his fist were clenched tight. "what the fuck?! Do you ever learn how to fucking knock?!" The tone of his voice surprised and scared you a bit. "Sorry, I just wanted to bring you a glass of water since...you..." Your voice got lower and lower as you spoke. Clay ruffled his hair and smacked the glass out of your hands. " I don't need your stupid water you annoying bitch. " He turned back to his computer and rubbed his temples.

You could feel tears ready to roll down to your face as you knelt down and picked the broken pieces of glass. As you did yout task, Due to your watery eyes you couldn't really see well and as a result, a cut made it's way to your finger. The blood ran down your finger as you clutched your hand. A choked sob made it's way to Clay's ears and he gave you a side eye and sighed. "Just leave it alone already, god you can't even clean things right..useless" He murmured the last part but it was still audible to your ears.

You nodded your head and said a small sorry and scrambled out of his room. You walked to the kitchen to clean the cut and placed a bandaid on it. It hurts. Not just the cut on your finger, The words that clay said to you.

Annoying...Useless...

Those words echoed through your mind, taunting you. You walked back to the couch and wrapped yourself in the blankets. You stared mindlessly at the TV and thought about what he said. Dark thoughts immediately filled your head.

'see, I told you...Clay would never love you...Everything is temporary'

'Gosh If only you weren't so selfish'

'Just leave already, Clay doesn't want you anymore...Not like he did in the first place though.'

'He dated you out of pity, Can't you see that?'

You have no idea how many hours had passed by but you were brought back to reality by Clay nudging you a bit. You quickly moved to the other side of the couch in fear of him hurting you. Your actions made Clay's heart ache. He didn't mean to lash out on you. Stress and Anger were overwhelming him and it just happened that you were the one who he yelled at. He scooted closer while you hid under the blankets, Fresh tears streaming down your face.

" Y/n? " He called out. You peeked a bit an whispered " Don't hurt me please..." Clay felt guilty. He didn't mean to hurt you. "No, baby...I'm so sorry...I didn't mean to...I promise I won't hurt you" He opener his arms waiting for you to come to him and hug him. It took a couple of seconds till you crawled over to him and sat on his lap and cried. He ran his fingers through your hair while saying something like "I'm sorry" , " It won't happen again " Or just simply trying to calm you down. Clay pulled you back a bit and looked at your puffy eyes. He leaned to you and kissed your eyes. Your cheeks. Forehead. Nose. And finally your lips.

"Clay..." He hummed in response ad he pulled you back into his chest. "Do you find me annoying? Useless?" You clutched his hoodie tightly as you trembled in his hold. "Aww baby of course not." He cupped your cheeks, pulling you back in the process and leaned your foreheads together. "I'm so sorry for the things I've said to you awhile ago...I didn't mean it...I promise...It's just..Stress...I know it's not a valid reason but please forgive me?" You closed your eyes and leaned to his touch. You nodded with a small "mhm"

Clay couldn't help but smile. He was happy that you were able yo forgive him. He moved his hands down to intertwine it with yours only to feel the small bandaid around one if your fingers. He looked at you and expected and answer. "I got cut while picking the glass awhile ago" You looked at him and continued "it still hurts a bit" He nodded and kissed your injured finger. "I'm so sorry baby.." You nodded and cuddled back to Clay. "Is their anything that I can do to make it up to you?" He asked as he rubbed your back in a soothing manner. "Ice cream please" " Why ice cream?"

"Because Ice cream makes me feel better. And also because ice cream reminds me of our first date" He could feel you grinning on his shoulder as he laughed a bit. "Well then, ice cream it is."

Suck my dick cuz I know this story sucks.

:)

But anyways, Enjoy it...Just...use ur imagination and try to make it better :3

Also I made this because My friend bought me a bucket of ice cream and I was watching dream on yt :3

[the-paranoid-autistic]

So to start things off I figured I would introduce myself, I'm a 25yr old trans man who is a society-accepted (I don't like using terms like high functioning etc coz they seem so demeaning) autistic. I didn't "ping" as autistic on anyone's radar (including a psychologist and psychiatrist) until my latest psych when I was 24.

I was describing what I felt/did regarding social interaction while using gaming terms (ie. Skill trees, generic npc responses etc) and how my social skills used to be a 1/10 (think the Sims charisma stats) and now I'd worked really hard to learn body language and what's expected for my responses so now I was more of a 5/10 which is in society's acceptance range, and he was like "have you ever heard the term (insert correct term for learned verbal responses. I forgot 🤷‍♂️) ?" and then went on to ask if I'd ever been diagnosed with autism because I had a lot of the same thought patterns/behaviours.

Now this wasn't necessarily completely new to me but he was the first person to actually recognize the behaviour in me outside of myself. I had suspected that I could possibly be autistic after once watching a TED talk about how afab individuals are often not diagnosed with autism due to their symptoms not being as obvious as a lot of amab individuals. The TED talk went through what autism looks like in young afabs and I spent the whole time like "👀 I do that".

But I can't even describe how much it shook me that another individual (regardless of whether they were trained or not) recognized that and said so.

It also scared the actual crap out of me.

Because having an official autism diagnosis can erase my rights. It can give my family the right to argue that they should run my life. It gives the doctor the right to straight up ignore my protests around treatment/diagnosis for everything else. It can give my employer the right to terminate my contract for lying on my medical form to avoid discrimination.

So I told my psych that I never wanted an official diagnosis on my record to avoid discrimination and he accepted that and never placed it on my record.

But having the validation that a trained professional saw me and thought "this person is autistic" despite all the masking, despite all the social training, despite me having a full-time job in retail while studying law, despite all the denial on my behalf. I'm unable to properly describe the rush of emotions that took place.

The downside to this though is that I'm basically stealth-autistic. I'm basically stealth trans but I've always been a man, now I just look like one, so nobody needs to know otherwise (except potential partners). I feel no shame around being stealth with regards to being trans. But I do feel shame in being stealth autistic and it does make my life harder. I can't just tell people that the reason I'm having issues understanding xyz is that I am autistic because I don't want to deal with the prejudice, and because I am prejudice against myself too. I have overcome so much the hard way, so I think "why can't I understand this the hard way too" even though I could just ask for help. I stop myself stimming because I don't want to draw too much attention to myself. I put myself in situations where I get overwhelmed simply because I'm not only lying to others but I'm lying to myself.

I feel shame about being stealth not because I'm lying to others but because I know I'm lying to myself.

I have gotten better at recognizing this since my psych starting asking me the hard questions like "yeah but why do you stop yourself stimming" and I've 'come out' to my close friends who have made changes to their behaviours to help me. Little things like asking for hugs first, checking in on how I'm going when we're out in public, clarifying more if they even suspect there's been some kind of miscommunication and in return I've gotten (soundless mostly) stim toys that I can discretely use in public so I can last longer on public outings. I've started openly communicating when I've reached my orange and red zone limits of people so we can enjoy the time we've got together better and I don't shutdown completely as often. And when I do shutdown, they give me the time I need and help me escape whatever situation triggered the shutdown. They've learned to recognize when I'm approaching my limits when I can't actively communicate this and they've learned to cover for me when I need a few minutes to myself.

I don't really know where I was going with this except maybe I wish the media representation included more variety with regards to autism because maybe if it had, then maybe I would have been discovered earlier and had the help I needed when I was younger instead of having to learn everything the hard way. Maybe if we had more representation, then I wouldn't need to hide my autism for my own protection (and to my own detriment).