#and i don't have those skills. it sucks. im always sad and guilty of never being able to do shit and disappointing people over n over again.

[spiralsta1rcase]

Sad and Long Post .. Lolllll........ Venty....

i really hate being trans though because if i get "misgebdeeed"(or, correctly gendered lol) i immediately start to feel guilty and like i don't deserve it. especially if it's in front of my parents. my mom always talks about transgender people like they're freaks and so im scared she'll see me as a freak. im so scared for the future because i love my parents so much they're mt best friends but if i tell them anything im afraid ill lose that forever even if i know they'll love me no matter what.

also i won't ever be able to change my name because im so accustomed to being called my name, and its such a feminine name too, and its such a common name. and every male portuguese name sucks shit ass balls. one time i tried to go by mateus and i had this google extension and my brother found out about it and he told me Yeah you're too young for that stuff and also mateus is a fuckign terrible name bro if you do transition just keep your name. i want to do that but it'll definitely be weird.

also i. i don't know. my real life friends call me by he/him but for some reason it just feels so weird. i love being he/himmed online but i feel just so sick and degenerate being called by those words in real life. it's so weird but i also dont want to be confusing to others so i let it slide. i feel like if im accepted for who i am as a man i don't deserve it, i feel sick, i feel like a horrible person and a liar. maybe it's something called internalised transphobia but i don't know what that even means. i feel so uncomfortable dressing in women's clothing and having long hair and looking too girly but if i get called a guy in front of my parents i feel ashamed. maybe it's because i don't want my parents to hate me. and also a lot of the people in my school are transphobic, and a lot of the people who i .. euuugh Like. are straight guys. so i'll make myself into a girl for them to like me too.(but that will never work because i'm fat and i've got a little bit of a moustache and i have a generally just masculine face)

i just really want to escape and live as someone else. i don't want to have an eating disorder but i just want to be skinny because i think that's the source of my problems. im awkward and i keep to myself and im shy and nobody i like ever likes me Because Im Fat. maybe if i were born in a future time it'd be different, but i can't change that, i thinkfat people will be hated forever. and i'll be fat forever. i want to starve myself and i want to get skinny i wish i could weigh 20 kilos. but i can't because my parents will worry. and it's bad for me. i hate exercise and im a picky eater i think the only thing i can do is take that injection that gets rid of your hunger or whatever. my mom had it and she said it worked until she forgot to take it once. i probably shouldn't though. i'm not obese im just a few kilos overweight, im at about 67-69 kilos. i should probably walk around while typing this so i can get some steps in

but . gah it's a horrible time for me right now. i don't know. i think it's because- i haven't weighed myself in a while but im probably at like 100kg now. hey, let's get some optimism here. i just weighed myself, and im at 69! my parents always said im a very positive person so let's just think positive. i don't want to seem like i hate myself so horribly because i really don't, i just hate my outer self, is all. i love who i am and i love my family and i love my skills and im a talented and smart person im just fat. being fat isn't a bad thing, its just a bad thing for me right now, because stupid assholes won't like me for it - but do i want them to like me anyway? if i did get skinny and they acted nice to me again, id probably hate them even more for it. i don't even think im the ugliest person in the world. there are times i look in the mirror and i think i look quite nice actually. my one big problem, i think, is vanity, even though i try to hide it. and i worry so much about how others see me. one time i didn't go to school cuz my hair was a bit oily. vanity is nice but it's horrible to have so much of it. then i can't do anything. i get too worried about how i look and how that guy sitting across of me thinks of me. does it match up with who i am? oh god, what if they think i'm x or y, when i'm actually x-2*a^2/58385892+bc+y(z-7)?!??!?! im gonna cry! this has cheered me up a bit. i think its cuz i weighed myself, lol. i've also noticed, side note, i get a lot more carefree when someone's not around.. when that person is around i get all worried and sad that i gained 0.5kg. i'm not saying who someone is because, even though it's a one in a trillion chance, someone might find this and someone might kill me for it. well goodbye. have a good day. i'm going to walk around some more though o want to type some more cuz it keeps my mind off things. i wonder if i should even post this.. nobody's gonna read it anyway, though, so whoooo cares. who knows, if anyone does read it, maybe they'll say, hey, i've got the same thing as you. and they'll tell me what it is! but that's just a thought.. no one's reading this, honestly. hey you know i just watched a full movie on tiktok for the first time - the guy actually posted all the parts! it's crazy! and the movies really.. it's a bit.. meh but it's quite well made, had me shaking up a storm on my sofa and biting my nails. it was called The Call i think. ok goodbye

[cryolyst]

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