#and i don’t think i can make it through that plus another 2.5 hour movie lol

[scionshtola]

tbh i kinda think it would have been a real mess on both sides if corishtola got together before shb

[j-elaine-hyde]

Desert Heat - J. Elaine Hyde

Day One: Into the Wild

Diamond Fork Canyon - Fifth Water Hot Springs

The views were everything, but you knew that was almost all of Utah. It was breathtaking. You had paid for your camping spot and parked the excursion. With a 2.5 mile hike you’d be able to soak in a beautiful hot spring. It was still early enough in the season to ensure fewer people, but upon arrival, you found you were the only person there.

You excitedly packed a bag for your day hike. You only needed the essentials, plus a random assortment of emergency supplies, and water. You started off on the trail and almost immediately started taking pictures. You took in the amazing sounds of nature and felt... zen. You jammed your phone into your pack and continued on.

Before you could even see the hot springs themselves the fog rolled onto the trail signaling their direction. It was still an early March morning and more than a little chilly. You knew getting buck naked to climb into the hot springs was going to be freezing, but realized it would only make the hot spring water that much more amazing once you climbed in.

The steam/fog combination slowly crawling across the trail was purely magical. You had to attempt to get a photo. After a few shots that would have made Ansel Adams proud, you continued off the trail towards the springs.

It was freeing, you thought, to get naked in the middle of nowhere by yourself. It was also freezing. You tucked your hair into a ponytail and fought to pull it through the hole in the top of your beanie. Other than your beanie, you were as naked as the day you were born. You knew you were the only person here, but it was exhilarating.

The steam surrounded you, giving the hot spring an ethereal feeling. You sunk into the steamy water and felt around below the surface with your hand for a comfortable place to sit. You positioned yourself along the wall, in a spot that allowed you to be submerged to the tops of your shoulders. You exhaled deeply as your body relaxed. It was serene.

You had lost track of the time, but you didn’t care. This was the most relaxed you’d probably ever been in your entire life.

“Is it as amazing as you’re making it look?” The deep voice out of nowhere completely startled you as it shattered the calm.

Your hands sprung to your chest, attempting to cover yourself as you sat forward staring up at the large figure blocking out the sun.

“I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to scare you. I guess I should have announced my presence a little better.”

“It’s fine. I just wasn’t expecting anyone else to be here.”

“Ranger says we’re the only two people in the park.”

Normally if a large man was telling you this while you were alone in the middle of nowhere, you would have been completely terrified, but something about this guy just made you feel safe.

“Do you mind if I join you?” He was polite... courteous. Something about him made you happy you weren’t alone anymore.

“Sure. Of course. The water is amazing.” You settled back into your spot.

“Uhhhh... weird question... you can totally say no.... but.... uhhh... do you care if I just wear my birthday suit?” He kind of laughed as he said it, realizing how awkward it was that he was asking a total stranger in the middle of nowhere if he could get naked with them.

“Go for it. I am. I won’t even peek.” You smiled as you leaned your head back closing your eyes.

You lied of course, but pretended not to watch as you saw this giant man getting undressed. He came closer to the edge of the spring, covering himself with both of his massive hands.

“Ohhhh wow.... this feels amazing.” He remarked as he sank into the water.

“It really is....” you stretched your back a little, allowing the tops of your breasts to break the surface, feeling slightly aroused at the thought of being naked in the middle of nowhere with a man you were guessing was attractive. At least from what you had been able to see of his body, he was.

Pretending not to care, you stretched your neck and exhaled deeply.

“I’m Pablo. By the way. Figured you should know my name since you’re the first female in ages that I’ve been naked with....”

“I’m y/n. Nice to meet you Pablo.” You were unfazed and kept your eyes closed. After repeating the name Pablo multiple times, you asked, “Like Neruda or Picasso.”

You guessed that his parents were into creative types.

“Neruda. No one ever gets that...” he seemed genuinely surprised.

You raised your eyebrows in response with a smirk.

“Ok... given our current situation... this is going to sound creepy. But I don’t mean for it to.”

Unmoved, you replied. “Ok. Shoot.”

“Are you really out here all by yourself? You’re gorgeous... and naked... that doesn’t seem safe to me.”

He thought you were gorgeous? Now you had to get a better look at him.

You lifted your head and opened your eyes, seeing his face for the first time.

“Oh shit.”

“What?!” He looked around behind him in a startled panic.

“You’re Pablo Schreiber.”

He laughed slightly, “Guilty.”

“Sorry. I didn’t...”

“It’s ok. I’m just flattered you even know who I am.”

You tried to play it cool. You didn’t want to come off as a fan girl, but you, and every inch of your body, was very aware of who he was, how insanely attractive he was and how naked.

You leaned your head back against the wall closing your eyes, you thought this move to be the epitome of playing it cool and unaffected.

“Den of Thieves and 13 Hours are two of my favorite movies.”

“That really says a lot about you....Makes a little more sense why a drop dead gorgeous woman would be out here naked and alone... should I be afraid?” He laughed.

You were amused, “What do you mean?”

“Well those are badass action movies.... we’re out here in the middle of nowhere and it’s not an easy 2.5 mile hike to get here. I’m guessing you’re kind of a badass.”

“I don’t know if I’d say that. But I’m definitely not your average woman.”

He paused... “Well I already knew that... look at you.”

You lifted your head and locked eyes with him, a small mischievous smirk spread on both of your faces.

You took the opportunity to calculate the risk on what you were about to do. Compiling a quick mental checklist.

You were both naked and in the middle of nowhere.

He thinks you’re attractive, and you’re obviously attracted to him.

He mentioned it’s been a long time since he’s been naked with a woman.

Fuck it.

You stood up, the water cascaded down your body, the water level now at your naval. You took a step forward. You kept your eyes locked on him as his eyes wandered around your exposed body. As he brought his gaze back to yours, you bit your lip.

That was all the signal he needed. He launched up, and in one swift movement was towering over you, he wrapped his warm massive hands around your face, passionately kissing you.

Never stopping the kiss he pulled you down into the water, in an effort to keep the both of you warm. He released your face, sliding his hands down your body, wrapping your legs around his waist.

You wrapped your arms around his neck as he clutched onto your waist. Making out with him was incredible. You’d be lying if you said you had never fantasized about it before... but this blew any fantasy you had out of the proverbial water.

You lost yourself in his kiss. His strong lips were mesmerizing, he used the perfect amount of tongue. His hand had gravitated to your ass, his massive hand palmed it, grasping it with a firm grip.

Your curiosity finally got the better of you, you loosened your legs around him, ran your hand down his chest, and found his erection below the water. He moaned into your mouth as you stroked it. His hand took advantage of the small gap between your wet bodies, immediately massaging your breast.

You threw your head back with a gasp. Taking full advantage he kissed your neck sucking and nibbling drawing out more moans from deep inside of you.

You leaned forward locking eyes with him as you positioned his erection at your opening. With the slightest shift of your hips, he entered you. Both of your eyes rolling back in your heads.

He groaned, “Ohhhh fuck you feel amazing....”

You wrapped your arms around his neck for leverage as you started working your way further down his shaft. His hands gripped your ass, lifting and pulling you faster and faster, never losing eye contact for more than a moment.

You leaned in, and kissed him, and as you did your first climax hit. He hugged your body tight against his, groaning as your body tightened around him with orgasm.

He continued, lifting and lowering you onto his thick manhood. You looped your feet inside his thighs, increasing your speed and force, as you climbed towards your second orgasm. He held onto your waist as you bounced on his dick, leaning forward so he could rub his face between your breasts.

As soon as his lips took your nipple into his mouth your second orgasm rushed through your body. You slowed your pace as he picked you up, placing you on the rock ledge of the pool. It was freezing but you didn’t care. It only added to the intensity.

He began thrusting into you, as you put your hands on the rocks behind you, propping yourself up.

“God you’re beautiful...” he said as he shook his head in disbelief.

You threw your head back, unable to suppress your screams of sheer pleasure. You had never been fucked this well by anyone, and out of all the men on the planet, Pablo Schreiber was the one plowing into you.

You felt another climax building as Pablo increased his speed, you knew he was close. Laying down against the rocks, you clutched your breasts in your hands, and that was exactly what sent him over the edge. Knowing he was getting off, buried deep inside of you, forced your orgasm, and the two of you came together.

Still inside of you he pulled you against his chest, plunging both of you back into the hot water. Your ams and legs were wrapped around him.

He kissed your shoulder, “That was the most amazing thing to ever happen to me. I’ve never.... I don’t... holy god that was incredible. You’re incredible.”

[natsspammityspamspamham]

Dino Watches Anime (Jan 13)

With the snow outside and cancellations everywhere, I have more time to kick back, relax, and not do anything. Seriously, playing out in the snow and being an absolute bum is my specialty.

Dropped

Darwin's Game 

It just seemed like Mirai Nikki but updated to smartphones instead of flip phones and with a new interface and system. Seriously, it’s like someone watched Mirai Nikki and went “I can remake this and rake in the money”. The animation wasn’t good (according to our local sakuga geek, there were less than 10 animators who worked on the 40 min premiere because of the inhumane conditions of the studio which adds to the yikes), the soundtrack was great (but I won’t watch a show just for the soundtrack/seiyuu cast), and overall, I felt like I didn’t want to put myself through a show like this.

Uta no Prince-sama

I couldn’t do it fam. I watched two episodes and nearly cried on the inside because it felt like Kiniro no Corda but with a new bland face with new bland characters. I never watched either of these fully. I tried to watch just for the seiyuu (*ahem* Miyuki Sawashiro), but imagine having your life hobbies made into an absolute joke by a character who can’t even read music and is in the composition department while her main song of choice is “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” and the ikemen around her and swooning over it and writing their own songs for her. The guys all have the same faces too! They’re triangle heads that can only be differentiated by colour palette. I’m telling the difference based on voices at this point. I don’t want the ikemen, but I would like people to be into my music too ya know! You may think that I’m dropping this anime purely out of spite for the story and characters, and you’re damn right I am. 

Seasonal Stuff

Pet

This is this close to being dropped, and I don’t mean for the strong BL vibes. It’s a little cringy but not that bad (I’ve watched a lot of cringe straight romance and to me it’s all the same). It just feels so poorly constructed right now. The universe just hangs by a thread with characters I feel ABSOLUTELY NOTHING for. Everything in this anime feels so cheap. I’m giving this one more week before I give it the axe.

Rikei ga Koi ni Ochita no de Shoumei shitemita 

Okay, this anime is stupid, but we all went in knowing it was going to be very stupid. You’ve seen the screencaps. You’ve seen the cliches. Now get ready to have a pretentious science spin on it as if you haven’t seen these scenes a million times before elsewhere, and the characters (at least one of them) know it. The art... it’s present. I mean, character designs are giving the guys of Reddit what they want (especially with Sora Amamiya being really popular and singing the OP along with voicing the main character). Yuuma Uchida is also there. Nothing really worth noting here except “stay in school kids so you can become a pretentious science kid with no people skills!”

Dorohedoro

I might just watch this anime in place of “Pet” because this anime has a much brighter outlook and despite being CG genuinely looks better anyway. It’s the horror that I wanted to fill the void with (since Pet genuinely isn’t scary or innovative). Everything was pretty good with the first episode! I’m looking forward to seeing more!

From here on out, the rest of the seasonal list are the ones I look forward to the most! Get that head lizardman!

Runway de Waratte 

At first, this doesn’t seem like something that would come out of Shonen Weekly, but it inspires a good message about being who you want to be even with limitations if front of you. You have a girl too short to be considered a model and a guy who designs fashion without having the money to pursue it further. I know nothing about style, but I do know things about being short! Maybe that’s why I have such a soft spot for it...

ID:Invaded

This anime gets more interesting as we go along. I’m all into murder mysteries and things like that, and with the sci-fi mixed it, I checked to make sure I was up-to-date with this one. Each episode gives a new mystery with more details outline our jaded and imprisoned detective’s motives and backstory. I wasn’t sold on the character designs at first, but once you get over that hurdle, it’s all good. I like the psychological aspects of it too!

Kyokou Suiri 

Ever wish you had a female protagonist who was upfront about her romantic motives? Ever wanted to watch a show involving youkai? Here’s the show for you! Plus, her character design is so cute. Mamo sang the ED for this anime too. The animation is great, the story looks amazing (read ahead a few chapters in the manga), and this is one of my most highest anticipated anime for the season!

Jibaku Shounen Hanako-kun

Here’s one of my favourite pilot episodes! This anime left such a strong impression on me that I went straight to my non-otaku friends going, “You’ve gotta see this guys”. The art style is consistent with the manga, and according to the not-so-quiet manga readers, we’re in for a really good anime. 

All the characters in this anime are also adorable and really simple-minded on the surface. Hanako-kun being a boy is a really funny twist on the local urban legend (I’m one of those kids who never dared to say “Bloody Mary” in the washroom so what can I say?)

Recently Completed

Hana to Alice: Satsujin Jiken

Remember Aku no Hana? This is what happens when rotoscoping has a bit more budget. This anime was slow, a little cringy, but it felt really real. The voices felt real, the characters felt real, and the story felt... mostly real. I don’t regret watching this movie art style and all because I think it captures a bit of the exaggerations of being a teenager (rumours blow up like balloons)

Sennen Joyuu

Satoshi Kon really has a certain way of telling stories. I’ve watched Perfect Blue, Paranoia Agent, and Tokyo Godfathers, and while this didn’t have as strong of a punch as the latter, this film was still strong. It shows a story of a young maiden’s resilience, perseverance, and undying love... all things I can’t relate to... but it was good!

Sakurasou no Pet na Kanojo

This show was a trip. You thought it was a fanservice anime until things got really heavy. This anime was funny, it made me feel things with the themes it took on, and it made me remember that the best girl doesn’t always have to win to be a good anime. The art was cute and sweet, the voice acting was so fricking funny (according to the cast, the improv wasn’t always included but the ones that were left along with the dialogue were pure gold), and the story was exceptional for an anime which seemed to have no base whatsoever. And plus, this had something a lot of anime don’t... A CONCLUSIVE ENDING. Give this anime a watch if you haven’t. It’s melodramatic comedic romantic teen drama at its finest.

Orange

Speaking of melodramatic romantic teen dramas, here’s another one that fits that bill! Minus the comedy, more suicide, and far less cohesive plot. Imagine throwing letters into the Bermuda Triangle and having your 16-year-old selves really reading those letters. I was wondering how they were going to explain sending their letters to the past, but they should’ve come up with better BS than that. Aside from really bad plot holes, this anime was alright. It was slow... really slow. I finished this whole 13 episodes plus the movie in about 2.5 hours after trimming the slow recaps. 

The art was alright. The story was slow, but near the end (excluding the last episode and the movie) it got really heavy. It hit close to home. I struggled with suicide for years, and I felt what this character felt. Certain lines of that dialogue just hit hard. It was depicted in a way that didn’t feel as romanticized. He wasn’t saved by just one person, his trauma didn’t go away just like that, it took a group of friends and planning to help him realize that there was more to life then just regrets.

Would I recommend this? I mean, it was recommended to me, but I’m not forcing this anime on anyone... not because of the themes but because it was darn boring and cliche 70% of the time.

Still Watching

Darker than Black: Kuro no Keiyakusha

Same things apply as previous entries

Hunter x Hunter (2011)

My brother expected me to finish this a while ago but I put it on the back-burner because the number of episodes seemed daunting. Everything else is good though.

Sousei no Onmyouji

I only watched the first episode.

Boku no Hero Academia Season Four

Same things apply as previous entries. It seems like the Overhaul arc will end in the next episode or two (depending on how much they milk this).

Re:Zero kara Hajimeru Isekai Seikatsu

Groundhog Day but isekai. Seriously, this is a pretty big staple in terms of big isekai. Everyone’s fighting over who’s the best girl meanwhile Subaru is trying his best not to die every five minutes. Seriously, Subaru is a champ and what I’d want out of a Mary Sue isekai protagonist. Get em Subaru. Prove to me you’re not a car.

This will be me for the next few days because it’s getting colder where I am so watch me slip on the ice and die!

[midnight-writ3r]

Caramel Latte

Pairing: Lee Taeyong x genderneutral reader

Genre: Fluff, slight angst, love confessions, getting together

Wordcount: 2.5 k

Inspired by: My soft hours for Taeyong and a coffee at 10 p.m.

Summary: Only at ten p.m. in the evening and over a cold Caramel Latte, does Taeyong understand his mistake.

A/N: Y´all first things first, Taeyong is one of my ults and I squealed while writing this, so I hope it´ll turn you super soft and smushy as well <3

–*–*–*–*–*–*–*–*–*–*–*–*–*–*–*–*–*–*–*–*–*–*–*–*–*–*–*–*

"Night, Y/N, don't forget to close the backdoor, when you're done."

You wave a lazy hand at Yuta, "That happened once and it was years ago. Will you let it go?"

"I was terrified! Imagine someone stole the coffee machine, or worse", Yuta frowns and shoulders his bag, "The curtains."

You laugh, eyeing the dark blue velvet curtains, hung around the coffee shop. They are the most expensive element in the whole establishment and Yuta would most definitely not hesitate to kill a man in favour of keeping them safe. They clash with the cheap, wooden tables and the many, small plants littered around every available surface. Yuta loves it though and, judging from your frequent customers, he's not the only one. Plus, the coffee is good, you know that yourself. You're the one making it after all.

"I get it, I get it." You chuckle, "now get out of here and home. You've been here since 5 am."

Yuta huffs as he looks at the clock in one of the corners, reading almost 9 p.m. now, "Yeah, maybe I'll try to take things easier tomorrow."

You agree with a nod, completely aware that Yuta would never take things easy, as long as the world still allowed it, "Greet Sicheng from me."

Smiling at the mention of his roommate, Yuta says: "He misses you, you know."

"I'll make sure to visit soon." Sticking your tongue out, you cause him to laugh softly, "but you're making the coffee."

"The things you ask of me." He wipes the back of his hand over his forehead in a dramatic fashion. Then, he gives you one of his beaming smiles, "Good night Y/N, get home safely, okay?"

One last time, you give him a nod and then, he is out of the door. The bell that adorns the doorway chimes away and you're enveloped in silence. Outside, the world is already drowned in the calmness of night and you huff, leaning against the wooden counter-top. No problem. You just have one more hour to go, then you can go home as well. The last hour of the day is never immensely busy but Yuta argues that it pays off in the end.

Waking up the coffee grinder, you sit in one of the seats, checking your phone. Some of your chats have a notification bubble next to them, but you ignore most of them for the moment. As you scroll through them, your thumb hovers over Taeyong's name. He changed his profile picture. It's a selfie of him, with a coffee in his free hand and a pleased smile on his face. Cute. Your throat gets tight and your eyes sting a little.

You quickly scroll past the chat, to get to your best friend and roommate's contact. In moods like these and hours like those, you can't imagine talking to anyone else. Unsurprisingly, there's already a message waiting for you:

Johnny: I still have some chocolate pie left over. Do you want it?

You: Duh, who are you talking to.

You: Besides, I still haven't done that thing they do in the movies. When their hearts get broken and they sit in front of the TV, to watch rom-coms and eat a container of ice cream.

You put your phone aside and let it ding away, in favour of making yourself a cup of coffee. People keep telling you that it isn't wise to drink coffee at such a late hour, since you wouldn't be able to sleep. Well, newsflash: you can always sleep. There's nothing that beats the taste, though. You lean over your phone to check Johnny's reply:

Johnny: I can go buy ice cream, too if you want. Plus, they have the Kissing Booth on Netflix now.

You snort.

You: Netflix and chill, who? We're doing Netflix and cry.

Johnny: To each their own.

Johnny: Jokes aside though, how are you feeling?

You take a deep breath, hovering your thumbs over the screen. How are you feeling? That's a good question. It's not quite like in the movies, where you feel like crying your heart out all night. Everything just feels a lot duller. Somehow, you just don't feel very complete. As if someone ripped your heart out and now, there is a tiny hole that lets in the cold air from outside.

You: Idk John, it's all still so fresh.

Johnny: I mean, it happened just a few days ago, so I'm not blaming you.

Johnny: We're worried though. Mark and I. You know we're there to talk if you want to, right?

Your heart warms up a little at the mention of your other best friend. Mark and Johnny had always been able to put a smile on your lips, no matter what. This time around though, you find yourself helpless. Find that not even the silly jokes your friends make are enough to get you out of your head.

And all that thanks to Taeyong.

You want to hate him, but you know that that would be absurd. Just because you had been crushing on him for over a year, doesn't mean he has to automatically reciprocate those very feelings. Sometimes, love is one-sided and that's natural. It doesn't hurt any less though. You can still remember his face, when you finally gathered the guts to tell him; you had never seen him so very terrified. He had barely managed to rasp out a small 'I'm sorry, I can't', before storming out of the room. Ever since then, you hadn't talked at all.

Which is ridiculous, because the two of you always talked. Any hour, any day, any occasion. Despite not knowing him for as long as Johnny, Mark or Yuta, there had never been anyone who made you feel at home as much as he had. You had done your homework together, had shared clothes, had watched movies and broken down plots, characters and everything there was to be criticized. You had read the stories you wrote, to him, while had let you listen to every track he composed, without exception. When he wasn't at your place, you were usually at his. When you fought, both of you would hurry to apologize by the next day, just because being without the other didn't feel right.

The two of you were soul mates, but then you had to destroy everything.

You: Thanks boo, I really appreciate it <3

You: I'll just finish my shift and then come home.

You: There better be some of that pie left.

Sighing again, you shut off your phone and close your hands around the warm coffee mug. There's that ache in your chest again. You had promised Johnny and yourself to stop thinking about him – stop thinking about that day – but that is so way easier said than done. You wonder what he's doing right now. If maybe, he already has someone to complete his heart and he's with them right now. The thought crushes you even more, so you shake your head to get rid of it.

Thankfully, a pair of girls come into the coffee shop at that moment and you're momentarily distracted. They stay for a while, after getting their order and chat a little with you. You put on your best smile, hoping it's enough for now. Another handful of customers come and go and suddenly, the clock reads 9.56 pm. You resist counting the seconds, or running to the entrance to lock up a little sooner, because that chocolate pie is really calling for you by now. Johnny even sent some pictures. Mmmmh.

You're in the middle of cleaning off the last couple of cups, when the doorbell chimes again. Looking up, you check who would dare to walk in last-minute and your breath gets stuck in your throat. Your hands grip the edge of the counter and you try to keep your eyes from watering. What is he doing here?

Taeyong looks as stunning as ever. His hair is styled neatly, brows sharp and a denim jacket slung over his shoulders that you always liked on him. There's a flower in his hand: a delicate white one, which he gently holds between the tips of his fingers. His eyes are the worst though – they look so sad and apologetic that you want to hit your head against the wall. Despite his usual calmness, they're red around the edges and as you don't want to read too much into that, you look away.

"What-" you clear your throat, "what can I get you?"

He hesitates for a second, before sliding into one of the seats at the counter. The flower is placed on the counter-top next to him, patiently waiting, "A caramel latte please."

You nod, "there's still some left, one second."

Pulling the jug from the coffee machine, you empty the remains of the coffee into a clean cup. Adding a little bit of caramel syrup, sugar and milk, you slide the cup across the counter. He thanks you with a strained, little smile and takes a sip. To your surprise he makes a disgusted face. He seems to attempt hiding it, but you still see it.

"What?" You ask, mildly offended.

"Nothing it's just", he huffs a gentle laugh, "it's cold."

You frown, taking the cup and taking a sip of your own. It is cold. And not in a very delicious way.

"I'm so sorry, I'll make a new one-"

"Y/N."

You turn to look at him. As soon as your eyes meet, you feel like looking away again, "W-what?"

"I thought about what happened", he mumbles, playing with the petals of his flower, "About what you said to me and I-... I wanted to apologize."

You bite the inside of your cheek and shake your head, "No Tae, you did nothing wrong. I should be the one to apologize. I just threw you off guard with all my dumb feelings, even though I should have known-"

"Please Y/N", he hurries, his eyes a little panicked now, "Don't take it back."

Your eyebrows furrow, "Huh?"

"I-" he gulps and looks down at his hands, "I made a mistake. It's true, I was taken aback by your confession, but that doesn't mean it was unwanted." You watch him closely, as he takes a few deep breaths, to collect himself, "The truth is, I'd never considered anything like this. With you, everything seemed to go so easy – so natural. The idea of a relationship was so strange, because I just didn't feel like we could get any closer.

I was scared of having to change the way we were, because I've never had a friend like you. I didn't want to loose you." running a hand through his hair, he gives a frustrated groan, "but then, the last days I started to think – really think – what it would be like. You know, having you as- as a partner and uhm- being your boyfriend."

He's getting all flustered now and your confused heart can't do anything but flutter at how cute it is. It's thumping so loudly, you're barely able to make sense of the words he says.

"In retrospect, to be honest I think that we already were a couple." he laughs nervously, "I realized that if I were to share every aspect of my life with someone else, there never was another option apart from you. You understand me, never judge me, you make me smile – make me feel like I don't want to be anywhere else. W-what I want to say is", he makes sure to look at you and from the corner of your vision, you see his hands shake, "that I like you too. And refusing you was the biggest mistake I've ever made."

You're frozen, staring at him, as he waits for you to say something, "Tae... I..."

"I've broken your heart and I- I could never apologize enough for that, but-"

"Tae, hold up a second." you stop him, before he can start rambling, "You-you're not mad at me?"

"Mad?" Taeyong's eyes widen as if that was the most ridiculous thing he's ever heard, "Are you kidding? I could never- I miss you. More than anything else. I want things to turn back to the way they were but... different. Maybe with a bit more couple-stuff, you know?" he shrugs awkwardly.

You can't help but laugh at him and his big, pleading eyes, "Couple-stuff, eh?" you lean against the counter, feeling your heart flutter as he leans in as well, "and what would that be?"

"We could start out small." he proposes, his hand creeping towards yours. With a smile, you intertwine your fingers.

"And how?"

Taeyong leans in even further, his eyes flickering to your lips every other second, "With a kiss, maybe? That's very couple-ish."

You stifle a grin, "Yeah okay, sounds good.

The distance between the two of you closes in a heartbeat, lips connecting like rain-drenched rose petals. Taeyong tastes of the cold coffee and something so distinctly Taeyong that you can't help put press a little closer. His hand wanders to your neck, as you continue to kiss, supporting you and guiding you at the same time. The two of you move slow, taking as long as you need, for time is on your side tonight. All the feelings you had already hoarded for each other flow between your connected mouths and it's something, you thought you could never have. Everything feels like a dream. But Taeyong is right there, and he holds you, even as you finally pull apart.

"Wow", Taeyong mumbles, his nose still grazing yours, "Yeah, that was all that was missing, I admit it."

You chuckle softly, leaning in a second time, to steal another kiss that he willingly gifts to you, "I want to get used to this."

"Me too." he admits and then his eyebrows shoot up, as he remembers something. The next thing you feel kissing you aren't Taeyong's lips, but something equally soft, "I brought you this. Johnny said, if you want to win someone over you have to bring them something that reminds you of them."

You eye the flower lovingly, as you twirl it between your fingertips, "You talked to Johnny, huh? Traitor."

"Yeah, I owe him a grande Pizza Pepperoni now." Taeyong huffs.

"Good, because I'm definitely in the mood for Pizza." You declare, starting to clean up the coffee shop. He watches you with his well-known, little kitten-smile. Once you locked up the front door, you step back towards him, standing between his legs and pressing your foreheads together, "And I bet it tastes a lot better, if I share it with you."

–*– FIN –*–

[inmytaste-blog]

Secret Love

Word Count: 2.5

Warnings: Boyfriend material Shawn aka ordinary Shawn

A/N: Whoop another update! First of all, I wanted to thank you for showing love to this account by following and requesting and secondly, I am more than thrilled to have received some requests already and I promise I will devote time in order to fullfill them! As always, feedback is very much appreciated and requests or random talks about anything are too! Since next time, happy reading!

                               ______________________

‘’What do you not understand Brian? I hate seeing her like this because of that douchebag. I even wonder how she lets herself feel upset over that… being’’ Shawn tugged at his hair with frustration and puffed loudly enough for his friend to hear.

‘’Well, I don’t know either but there isn’t much we can do now, is it?’’ Brian spoke truthfully and he collapsed on his couch.

Truth is, he didn’t know how she got involved with her ex altogether. It is clear as day that he is the complete opposite of her type in guys yet here she were in her apartment sulking and wiping tears that didn’t really deserve to be spilled for him. Shawn knew she could do so much better and devote herself to somebody who would devote themselves to her just as much if not more. Shawn knew he was the one for her even though her eyes were blindfolded and couldn’t acknowledge that.

Y/N and Shawn had started as really good friends when she had gone out looking for a home in his neighbourhood. He would see her almost every day talking to the landlord of the apartment and he couldn’t stop questioning whether she would finally settle down to that apartment or leave. After some days, his question was answered when he saw her carrying multiple boxes which held her belongings up to the apartment. He was rather excited to know that he had a neighbor approximately at his age and a very beautiful one for that matter.

So when he got out of his house which was opposite from hers to introduce himself to her and perhaps help her with her carrying, she were pretty positive this new way of living would be less painful and rather enjoyable. She didn’t believe she were that lucky to meet a kind and handsome young man so she were pretty hesitant at first. Shawn sensed that and was trying to get her to open up to him and just be more… her. Time proved to be on his side and after some time they did everything together. He even introduced her to some of his friends.

‘’Are you sure you are not smitten with her mate? As long as her name rolled off your tongue, your eyes were gleaming.’’ One of his friends would notice and a small smile would creep up Shawn’s lips.

‘’Nah, you know she is a close friend. Plus, I don’t think I am her type’’ Shawn would explain and his eyes would travel to her figure sitting across the room, eyes fixed on the person in front of her since she always had ears for people who were there to talk to her.

Ever since, Shawn would always stare at her a bit longer and he would start fantasizing about what it would be like to be together, like together-together, with him calling her girlfriend and waking her up with kisses and cuddles. It was a picture he still had in his mind every time he would hear her voice through the speaker of his phone or when she would ask for his help in deciding which photo was better to be posted on her Instagram blog. Maybe he was smitten after all. But he didn’t care because it felt good.

What didn’t feel that good though was when she burst through the door one night, announcing that Jake, at the time being, her ex, had finally asked her out and she were thrilled to go out with him. Shawn pretended to be happy with her news but deep down he felt his heart clenching and his breathing getting harder each second that passed by. He was supposed to be the one asking her out and he was supposed to be the one looking at her beauty all night long not that Jake guy.

‘’Wow, this is some news there… I am happy he finally decided to come around Y/N’’ he had said while his eyes fell to the floor and he tried to ignore the smile on her lips caused by somebody else.

‘’You could hide your frustration better I believe’’ she would playfully snap back without really knowing that Shawn was trying. Hard.

‘’I am happy for you, I really am Y/N. Now if you’ll excuse me’’ he had said ready to get up from the couch ready to abandon her apartment altogether.

‘’Whoa whoa, I was joking you know that. You can stay as long as you want to Shawn, what happened?’’ Y/N really tried to understand but she couldn’t quite put her hand on whatever was going on in Shawn’s mind.

‘’Nothing happened. You need to get ready for your… date’’ he said so bitterly and Y/N was more than shocked at the change of his behavior. She really didn’t know what got him so worked up since they were friends. All she did was share her happiness with him, something that real friends do the last time she had checked.

‘’Well, if you see it that way I can’t do much to change your mind. Thanks though’’ she had said and Shawn exited her house with his heart falling to his guts.

After that date, things escalated pretty quickly for Shawn’s own liking. Y/N was every single hour stuck to her phone, giving all her attention to a screen and not to her best friend and whenever she wasn’t glued to her phone she would be out with Jake. In other words, Shawn felt horrendous. He felt like he was losing Y/N one and for good without really having a say in it. It pained him to see how far they were now all because of Jake and his ‘’love’’ for Y/N. He was sure his love didn’t even come close to the amount of feelings Shawn had for her. He just knew her better and loved her unconditionally.

The thing is that he was a bit out of time and Y/N didn’t particularly wait for him to gather up his courage to confess. But Shawn had learned from his mistake and he was willing not to let more time go by without letting her know that he loved her. Yes, he loved her. He had admitted to himself that he loved her long before he was even sure about it. He loved her for the way she would dance carelessly to her favourite song in her room blasting it through the speakers, for the way she ate her pancakes getting all messy with the syrup or the Nutella, for the way her hands fit perfectly in his own when she was cold and had no pockets to keep them warm. But he particularly loved her for the way she never hesitated to tell what was on her mind, not really caring if she would make a complete fool out of herself. She was real and he loved her for that.

But seeing that Jake was having all of that to himself, made him sick to his stomach. Brian tried to persuade Shawn that Y/N was happy in her relationship and that she would want him to have something similar in his life as well but all his talking was going down the drain every single time.

‘’I want that too. But with her Brian! Why is this so hard to realize? If I could go and erase her completely from my mind, I wouldn’t because I love her damn it!’’ he would shout and Brian would pat his friend in the back.

‘’That hard huh?’’

‘’And even more. It’s just… her. It is the very first time I feel like this and I feel like I lost my shot’’ he was very disappointed in himself and the way things were developing.

‘’Well, I think you can’t blame yourself nor her. You just didn’t want to ruin your friendship and she has no clue that you are dying without her’’

‘’Do you really believe she is happy with him?’’

‘’Well, I see the way she smiles when his name is mentioned and how eager she is to meet up with him every time they arrange to do something together. I don’t know what your definition for happiness is pal but she seems happy to me’’

Shawn wished he hadn’t asked that question because he wasn’t prepared for the answer at all. He wanted to see Y/N happy of course, but with him and because of him.

‘’I know she would be happier with me’’

So when the bomb exploded and he saw Y/N crying her eyes out because of that scumbag he wanted nothing more than to hit his face and make him hurt just as much as his Y/N was hurting. He just couldn’t bear the sight before him; a completely wrecked Y/N being unable to stand on her own feet. He wanted nothing more but to see Y/N glowing with happiness not screaming catastrophe.

Shawn was there for her every step of the way and he would surely be by her side now that she needed him most. He made sure she always came home to vanilla cupcakes and her favourite movie on pause ready to be watched by her. He was willing to let her be the small spoon while they were cuddling close not really caring for anything else but her healing. She was still recovering from her breakup with Jake but she would let go a bit more every day because of Shawn. He was more than pleased to know he was the reason behind her well-being and her old self coming back.

Things were not that easy though. There were some days when she would still lock herself up in her room, completely ignoring Shawn and the cupcakes, the only thing in her mind being her bed and her tears. It was a pretty hard breakup and she was handling it even harder. She didn’t want to let Shawn down but she couldn’t pretend that everything was okay and that she had moved on when clearly that was nowhere close to reality. So she would climb up the stairs, mouthing a ‘’sorry’’ at Shawn and entering her room in complete silence.

Shawn wanted nothing more than to go up there and take her into his warm embrace until her tears dampened his sweater. So that is what he decided to do one of those days.

‘’Can I come in?’’

A muffled ‘’yes’’ was heard from the other end of the door and he hated Jake for making her feel so small and helpless.

‘’Hey’’ he would gently say, careful not to upset her any further.

‘’Hi’’ her voice was rough from all the previous crying and her hands stood numb in front of her, playing with the hem of her shirt.

‘’How are you feeling honey?’’

‘’Fucking shitty but I guess it shows, doesn’t it?’’

‘’Well I wouldn’t have guessed if you hadn’t said so’’ Shawn tried to make her smile and it partly worked. He swore he saw stars every time she smiled at him or just giggled like a small child.

‘’Shawn I never really got to thank you for doing so much for me. I know you have no right to worry this much about me and seeing you try this hard really makes me feel worse’’ she was rumbling by now but this was the way she felt towards him. He made sure she was healing in the best way possible and here she was crying over her lame boyfriend who most possibly deserved nothing but ignorance.

‘’Hey hey hey, where did this come from? If I am not the one who takes care of you then who is it? Please don’t think about it Y/N, please. It is my pleasure to see you every day getting a little better and I completely understand that there are times when you want all the pressure and the hurt to go away somehow. So crying is the only solution even though I still believe he doesn’t deserve it. Not your tears and he definitely didn’t deserve you’’ he said looking deep into her eyes but as soon as he realized what he had just said he looked at the bed avoiding her gaze.

Her eyes widened a little bit at her friend’s words not really being able to accept that her friend might have feelings for her.

‘’Shawn, thank you. I really do’’

‘’Shhh, you have no reason to. Now please calm down and rest a little bit’’

‘’Will you help me to?’’ she asked pleadingly and he was more than willing to lie by her side meaning that he got to hold her a bit closer. He felt at ease watching her sleep peacefully, worries far away and thoughts not related to that Jake boy. He was there with her and it was all that mattered.

For the next couple weeks, things really seemed to become lighter and Shawn was thrilled to see Y/N blooming again. She even took the initiative and wanted to go out to grab lunch with Shawn and not stay in. It was a pleasant surprise both for Shawn but for her as well because she was finally healing and wanted nothing to do with Jake. She was very thankful she had Shawn in her life and she made sure he knew every passing day.

‘’Y/N I know love that you appreciate everything that I do but please this is too much’’ Shawn would giggle at her attempts to pay him back for his services by buying his Taco Bell order for the fifth time in a row.

‘’Nah it is nothing compared to your marvelous personality seriously’’ she would say sitting down next to him and looking him in the eyes.

‘’I have you here all smiley and happy and that is more I could ever ask for as payback’’ Shawn would state taking both her hands in his own and looking in her eyes dearly. If only she knew how much he wanted to ask her whether she wanted to be held like this from him every day and every night.

‘’Shawn…’’ she would say filled with butterflies and hearts inside but not really daring to say the actual words she too wanted to be heard.

Shawn decided that if he didn’t make a move now he would never do it and he would hate himself for the rest of his life.

‘’Y/N I was really hurting when I saw you wrecked over Jake so I had to help you recover honey. It really tore me apart to see how broken he got you. But what really pained me more was when you were smiling because of him and I was not the reason of your so beautiful smile. I hated that he got to see another version of you that I might never get to see’’ Shawn said all in one breath and Y/N stood there dumbfounded and somewhat relieved to know that she had guessed right about Shawn’s intentions towards her, somehow matching her own ones towards him.

‘’What is that version you might not get to see Shawn?’’ she asked curiously scooting a little closer to him.

‘’The girlfriend version of you’’ Shawn admitted shamefully.

Y/N took that as the perfect opportunity to change the sequence of events and she wasted no time.

‘’Don’t be so sure of that Shawn’’.

[moonlitcryptid]

Wanda : High School Reunion

Pair: Wanda x Fem!Reader

Word Count: 2.5 K (sorry it’s so long whoops)

Summary: (Y/N) gets a letter from her old high school about the upcoming reunion; an event she would be more than willing to miss, but after certain events, she is dragged back to her former hell where she was taunted for being “different”.

Warnings: Some cursing. Derogatory terms (dyke & fag). Please do not use these terms in real life. Any homophobes can kindly get the fuckity fuck outta my life and off my feed.

A/N: I’ve decided to make a series about the Reader’s HSR. Most will be genderneutral unless specified (like this one).

        “That was exhausting!!” (Y/N) exclaimed, flopping onto the couch once the team arrived back to the tower after an important mission in Europe. Clint just laughed.

        “You always say that, squirt!” He yelled back, going over and ruffling (Y/N)’s hair. “No matter what, whether it’s fighting aliens to changing the channel on the TV!”

        (Y/N) huffed, “Well I mean it! We spent over a week in Europe to stake out our targets, and when we finally tried to raid their base, that happened to be the day that all the nearby branches were meeting for tactical training! And don’t call me ‘squirt’! You do it just because I’m younger! Ugh, I just need a nap. Or a drink.”

        The Avengers agreed, each of them cringing after remembering the poor planning and how we were almost out-numbered. Tony came in, their mail in one hand and some sort of alcohol in the other. “I’ll drink to that.”

        He started passing out the envelopes and packages. Clint got a postcard from his kids (aww), Thor and Steve got some packages, intrigued by the wonder that is Amazon, and (Y/N) got a simple, small white envelope. And with that, most of the team went their separate ways.

        “What is that?” a certain Sokovian woman asked, leaning over (Y/N)’s shoulder from behind the couch while Pietro rushed over and sat next to her, giving the same questioning look.

        (Y/N) has always been closer to the Maximoff twins since they arrived. Maybe it was due to the fact that she joined barely a month before they joined, so they were all newbies and learning the ropes together. Being a rather enhanced being herself, (Y/N) grew the closest to Pietro. They would often race and compete and just have fun.

        While she didn’t have the super-speed that Pietro had, (Y/N) did have gigantic wings; courtesy of Hydra experiments to discover whether humans could adapt animal traits for battle. Of course, what they didn’t see coming was that with the animal experiments came with enhanced sight, hearing, and strength. Using her abilities, she seized an opportunity when they were transferring her to another facility. From there, she made her way to New York to seek guidance from the Avengers. The rest is history.

        (Y/N) shrugged, just as curious as the twins. She didn’t bother examining the envelope and just ripped it open, pulling out a piece of white cardstock with fancy golden lettering. She barely finished reading the second line before she scoffed and tried to rip it.

        “Wait!” Wanda yelled before the speedster grabbed the paper from (Y/N)’s hand and gave it to his lovely sister to read aloud. (Y/N) protested and tried to rip it from her hand, but Pietro held her back. “‘Dear (F/N) (L/N), come join in on the fun as the Class of 2008 regroups in our lovely Faybrook! Dance, laugh, and reminisce about the golden days! We hope to see you there.’”

        They just looked at (Y/N), who finally used a wing to shove Pietro aside to grab the letter and rip it up.

        “Why did you do that? Don’t you want to go?” He asked, him and Wanda sharing the same stare at her. (Y/N) just shook her head.

        “Nah. It wouldn’t be worth my time, trust me.”

        “Oh come on! A chance to see all your old friends and classmates? And I’m sure you were very popular and just as charming and beautiful as you are now!” Pietro grinned. Wanda nodded, imagining what a high school version of (Y/N) looked like and repressed a blush. However, she still shook her head, falling onto the couch and groaning.

        “Try nerdy and quirky with acne, big owl-eyed glasses and a maximum of 5 friends. High school wasn’t the… nicest time for me. In all honesty, I only enjoyed 20% of it. I mean sure, my teachers were nice and my parents were cool, but…” She stopped, remembering too much from her past. The twins urged her to continue, but her demeanor grew cold. “You know what, forget it.”

        She rushed off to her room, slamming the door behind her and staying in the rest of the day. The twins knew they hit a nerve and grew worried, but let her heal.

-1 Month Later-

        The Avengers had been called to handle what was believed to be an alien threat building in Georgia, but it turns out a SHIELD agent who was visiting NYC stole some of Thor’s Asgardian alcohol and falsely reported to Fury that aliens were pooling in a major city. What he failed to report was that the aliens were ‘pink, scaly bipeds with the head of a horse with 3 eyes and only spoke in Japanese.’ Needless to say, the Avengers went there for no reason and the agent was reprimanded.

        They were packing all their stuff back onto the Quinjet; everybody but one. (Y/N) just sat at the entrance of the ship, staring out into the sunset sky. Just over the horizon, maybe 20 miles from here, was the place she used to call home. She debated in her mind. Should she go check it out? Was it even the same since before she left?

        (Y/N)’s thoughts were interrupted by approaching footsteps and a light pat on the shoulder. She jumps a little bit but relaxes when she realizes it’s just Wanda. They both smiled at each other as Wanda sat down next to her.

        “Is everything alright?” (Y/N) heard her ask, her Sokovian accent soothing to her. (Y/N) gave a slight nod and tilted her head to look at her.

        “Of course it is. We avoided another boring mission and we’re about to go home. Why wouldn’t everything be ok?”

        “You look… distressed.” Wanda put a hand on (Y/N)’s knee, to which she blushed and put her own hand on top. “If you need anything, even if it’s just to talk, know that I’m always here for you.”

        (Y/N) gave a smile of acknowledgment and leaned her head on Wanda’s shoulder, the twin moving her hand to run her fingers through (Y/N)’s hair.

        Before long, the team was ready to leave.

        “Hey, Red and Birdie, you ready to head out?” Tony yelled at the two women at the end of the jet. Wanda nodded, but (Y/N) just stood up before turning to her friends.

        “Actually, Tony, I think I’m going to spend some more time here. Just a night. Go on and head back to the tower. You know I have my own mode of transport.” (Y/N) said, winking at the billionaire at her last remark. The Avengers were confused but knew that she was a grown woman and she’d be fine. Wanda just looked at her, a little worry in her eyes. (Y/N) grabbed her hands, trying to push down the urge to pull her into her embrace. “Don’t worry, I’ll be fine.”

        She said her goodbyes before walking away, not looking back. Wanda wished she did. Just for her.

        (Y/N) flew those miles back to her hometown; Faybrook. A small town just close enough to the city to not die of boredom, but a place where everyone knows just about everyone. That’s not always a good thing. Just being in the area again gave (Y/N) unwelcome memories. She knew she needed a stiff drink.

        Of course, there was only one bar in town, so she headed there. Ollie’s Night Shack. The same neon lights that blinded her as a child were still there, maybe a bit dimmer, but everything looked exactly the same. She walked in, not caring that she was still wearing her Avengers tactical uniform. As soon as she plopped herself at the bar, she heard the whispers and felt the stares. She looked at the clock. It wasn’t even 7PM, didn’t these people have better things to do than judge?

        (Y/N) ordered a whiskey, but didn’t drink it. Just swirled it around the glass. She saw some familiar faces. No one bad, but not outstanding characters either. However, it was just enough to make her regret coming. She should head out before -

        “Holy shit, no way.” She heard a voice say before whoever owned it sat next to her. (Y/N) turned and grinned when she saw a friendly face. “I can’t believe you actually made it!”

        “Well, I’ll be damned! If it isn’t Sammy! How’ve you been? Where’s your brother?” She replied, still shocked that the dorky kid she knew grew a good foot taller than her. She felt a hand clap on her back before the seat on the other side of her was taken.

        “His brother is right here acting as this smart-ass’ plus one. What’s up hot stuff? God look at how you’ve grown! Found a girlfriend yet?” (Y/N) just laughed and shoved him.

        “Shut up Dean!  Now, back to what Sammy-boy said. What do you mean you ‘can't’ believe I made it’?” They looked at each other, then back at her.

        “You mean you’re not here for the reunion?” Dean asked. Her eyes grew wide and she looked around again, scolding herself for not noticing the banner that said “Class of 2008”.

        “Shit… I forgot that was today. Of course they hold it in this place.” (Y/N) sighed, realizing she should’ve left with the team when she had the chance. After an hour of talking with the brothers and catching up (without all the details of their jobs of course), along with catching with some others who passed by, (Y/N) wasn’t feeling as regretful. That is until they walked in.

        The Plastics. A name given to the group because of a certain movie, but it still applied. The four girls that made it their mission to make (Y/N)’s life on Earth a living hell. Just because she was different. Of course, where there’s bait there are sharks, and (Y/N) sure felt them circling. It was only a matter of time before they took a bite.

        “Well well well. If it isn’t (Y/N). I love your suit! Very dyke chic!” Leader, Bridgett, said first, her goons- Alexis, Katie, and Naomi- chuckling behind her. Not even five minutes in the door and already reformed to the high school days. Lovely.

        “Gee, thanks, Brie. Maybe I could give you some numbers. I know some girls that would love you. They would love making a bitch like you their own” She retorted, smirking a bit at their faces fell. This bait learned how to fight back. Something they didn’t expect. Something lead bitch couldn’t accept.

        “Of course a dumb fag like you would have other lesbian’s numbers! Probably the only way you can live is passing yourself around for a quick buck!”

        “First of all, I’m not a lesbian. Yes, I’m interested in, but not limited to, girls. And at least I get some action! Your dry spell must be like the Sahara desert at this point.” One of her minions stifled her laughter, and Bridgett was having none of it. Her anger boiled over as she grabbed (Y/N) by the hair and threw her down onto the bar floor (ew). Now all eyes were on them.

        “YOU’RE NOTHING, YOU KNOW THAT?! YOU’RE STILL THE SAME LITTLE NERDY DYKE FREAK FROM 10 YEARS AGO WHERE THE ONLY THING YOU WERE GOOD FOR WAS TO DO OUR HOMEWORK!!” She was about to punch (Y/N) when a strong hand stopped her. She looked back and almost stopped breathing.

        “You see, I wouldn’t do that if I were you.” A certain metal-armed super soldier said, malice in his voice. The twins rushed over to (Y/N) to help her up as the rest of the Avengers came through the doorway. Wanda wrapped a protective arm around (Y/N) and glared at the girls, who were now scared shitless that Earth’s mightiest heroes came to her rescue. (Y/N) could see red whisps form in the air; she knew Wanda was getting really mad. She put her hand on Wanda’s face, forcing her to make eye contact.

        “I’m fine” (Y/N) said. Wanda calmed down and gave a quick scan over her body to make sure she was telling the truth, and then she brought her in a bear hug. (Y/N) was shocked, but she melted. After reassuring her, (Y/N) turned to her former bullies, who were now being mentally slaughtered by her friends. Her family. She stepped up, grabbing the attention of everyone.

        “H-How…” She couldn’t even finish.

        “You see, while you were here living the boring life a trophy wife and only pretending to be rich - even though we all know it’s the money from your 3 divorces - I went out and saved people. I did something worthwhile with my life. I found a team that I can actually call my family. Hell, I fell in love! Although I whine and come home with wounds every day, I can honestly say I fucking love my life. Why must you waste yours?” Bridgett couldn’t even talk anymore as (Y/N) rendered her utterly speechless. Partly from the speech, and partly from the fact that during her speech her wings had spread out, going from wall to wall. “Now… Get out.”

        They scrambled to leave, almost running into Tony - fully decked out in his Iron Man suit. She folded her wings back and took a deep breath. After those years of torment, she felt amazing getting back at them. Her friends looked back at her, absolutely proud. Tony and Clint looked like proud dads, Nat looked like she knew she had it in her. Everyone just grinned.

        Wanda hugged her tightly again, laughing as (Y/N) decided to twirl her around. (Y/N) felt on top of the world, and Wanda being there only amplified it. They stopped for a second, looking into each other’s eyes. In the heat of the moment, (Y/N) swooped down and stole a kiss from the Witch. She quickly realized what she did and backed away.

        “I-I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to - well I mean I did - well not really, but -” Now (Y/N) was the speechless one.

        “Shut up and kiss me, Lyubov*.” Wanda grabbed her face and brought (Y/N)’s face to meet hers. The kiss couldn’t have lasted longer than a minute, but it was long enough for all the hidden feelings to bubble to the surface. All the love and passion they felt for each other was said in that one kiss. They could’ve sworn they were the only ones in that room - in the universe, even - if it wasn’t for the howls and hollers from their teammates and some of the bar patrons.

        Wanda pulled away first, resting her head against (Y/N)’s. Both of them grinning like mad women. Some of the team came by and congratulated the two women before enjoying what was left of the reunion with Tony buying a round of shots for the entire bar. At least now (Y/N) can say she was genuinely happy she came to the reunion.

*Lyubov = love in Russian. I did google translate sorry if it’s wrong. ;-;

[helpingmehelpmyself]

Things I Used to Enjoy- March 29, 2021

Gosh, I have so many things going through my head. I miss the days I was able to daydream, read fanfiction, and watch television. I remember the day would go by and I would question where the time went. But it felt like self care to me then and I enjoyed it. Now it feels like a useless distraction that no longer serves its purpose. 

I want to enjoy the things I used to enjoy. I love fanfiction (particularly, Teen Wolf sterek fanfiction. I can also ship steter, starrish, and stackson. I believe they can all compliment Stiles well). I would squeel while reading and get excited every time I found a new fanfiction that fits my criteria. Sometimes I have good days in which I can read fanfiction and fall into the story.

I used to love daydreaming. My imagination is basically a fanfiction with ten or so fandoms running around with some cannon and non-cannon storylines. I liked falling asleep to my daydreams or staring at the wall while I daydreamed. I considered writing my daydreams down and turning them into a fanfiction for Ao3, but part of it feels personal. This is a world I have written and rewritten so many times since I was... 16, maybe? It’s easier to rewrite or follow through a storyline in my head than it is to write it down and focus on details that I never really focused on before. If your curious, my daydream fanfictions include the following fandoms: Teen Wolf, Scandal, Glee, Twilight, The Gentlemen, and Crazy Rich Asians. Occasionally, Beyonce’s Homecoming special and other things will make an appearance. I include most characters from these programs and create some OC’s in my head that have nothing to do with the other fandoms. Sometimes I’ll pluck someone from another place, like Carrie from Sex & The City but combine her with Isabel from Glee and mix up her storyline, or create a character with the appearance of a famous actor, like the original Mr. Fantastic actor.

I loved music. I could listen to music all day and enjoy myself. Sometimes it was the soundtrack to my imagination or I’d have some of my characters sing the songs I was listening to. I would listen to the same songs on repeat and create scenes with them and sometimes I’ll be able to add new music to the mix. If I wanted to listen to an album, I’d sit/lay down in my room and focus on nothing but the album. If there was an artist I liked and wanted to explore more of, I would go through their entire Spotify history and listen to every song at least once. I’d add it to my Liked Songs playlist because I am crap at creating playlists (minus the Boudoir playlist I made last year for my photoshoot, but that’s another story). Almost every song I have ever liked is on my Liked Songs. I think I have over a thousand songs on there, which is pretty decent. I kind of know where every song is located when it’s organized by Recently Added. Minus screamo, heavy metal, gangsta rap, underground music or electronic music, I listened to a little of everything. I loved Glee, Hamilton, Meg the Stalion, Kendrick Lamarr, the Civil Wars, early Taylor Swift, American Authors, Secondhand Serenade, G-Eazy, Mulatto, Into the Heights, Moana, Victorious, I could go on. Every song plays a part of my history and I love expanding it.

I can’t really do those things the same anymore and I wish I could. Writing fanfiction sounds like it could be a possibility for me because most of my life, I wanted to be a writer or be an editor. The fear of financial security made me switch to a business major and it didn’t make things any easier I find. I guess more approving nods from other adults about my choice in degree was a plus.

I can’t focus on my own daydreams anymore. It used to give me so much joy but it also reflected my emotions: horny, sad, in love, etc. The fact that I was able to create worlds that don’t exist to anyone but me made me happy. Sometimes when I wanted to be closer to God, I’d even deepen the relationship of some of my characters with God. 

Music doesn’t sound the same anymore. I can’t focus to the point of slipping into happiness often.

I did have a good day the day before yesterday. I decided that maybe listening to the song that always lifted my spirits in the past, whether they needed lifting or not, would help. My song is “Do You Believe in Magic” by Aly & AJ. I don’t know what it is about that song but when I first heard it on Disney Channel when I was little for the movie, Now You See It. Something about that song was and still is special. I was able to sing horribly to the song. I was watching Freaky Friday that day and remembered how much Ultimate by Lindsey Lohan rocked. I was able to listen to that song and daydream a totally new scenario for my mental fanfiction characters. There was so much happiness and positivity in the scene.

That same day, when night fell, I felt so sad I made myself sick and was gagging in the toilet. I convinced myself not to make myself throw up because I don’t want that to become a habit. I don’t want to mentally make myself sick and think that throwing up every time will fix me. I felt like shit for hours later, but I was glad that I didn’t throw up. I knew I was in a bad enough position that I needed company. 2/3 of my best friends and one of their boyfriends showed up at my place, late at night and stayed with me for hours. We’d talk about the issues that were plaguing my mind and about 2 of them moving into a new apartment together. 

I went back and forth from lying in the bathroom and lying in my bed. I don’t know why but whenever I was sick growing up, laying on the bathroom floor made me feel better. I know it is unsanitary and gross, but you get to a point that you don’t care. The bathroom has always felt safe for me. I still remember the first time I did it. My mom, brother, and I lived in an apartment about 20-30 minutes away from where we live now. I was getting ready for school one day and I guess I didn’t feel good. I laid down on the bathroom floor and that’s how my mom found me. She knew that this little 5 or 6 year old that never complained about school wasn’t faking anything. I think after that point, my mom became pretty trusting of me whenever I said I can’t go to school. Whether I was physically sick or needed a mental health day, she let it happen. I didn’t practice this often until I was junior high and high school, but it helped knowing my mom would let me take care of myself however I saw fit. I think she also didn’t want to have to keep taking off of work to pick me up from school.

The issues that brought me to tears were my boyfriend, the love of my life. I have only dated one boy before him. That was back in high school and I liked that I had a boyfriend more than I actually liked my boyfriend. We had been friends for years and were in speech and debate together. I asked him to my prom and, due to a misunderstanding, he never replied. When we realized the misunderstanding, he asked me to his prom (We went to two different schools) which was fun. It was at a country club, his parents had dinner catered to their house for us (very successful accountants) and we got some cute pictures from that night. I found myself bored with the relationship and knew ending it wouldn’t affect my quality of life within that moment. So I did. Now he is happily out as gay with his partner of 3 years and starting Harvard Law in the fall. I kind of like that fact and it made it easier to be friends with him on Facebook and Instagram again.

But back to my current boyfriend, the boy I didn’t think that I would fall for. To make our love story short (I’ll probably go into more in another post), we met on Tinder 2.5 years ago when the guy I was talking to/dating previously decided to go back to his toxic/abusive ex-girlfriend. I was talking to my soon-to-be boyfriend and another guy at the time and my boyfriend was the one that lasted. I remember that I would message every Tinder match with “Aye” because everyone wants the other person to start the conversation or else there won’t be a conversation. He responded with “I love your smile. It’s so positive” and that was my downward spiral. We’re pretty good at communication and we are a good match for each other. We both come from mostly different backgrounds, racially and socially. Sometimes there are things about me he’ll never understand, but making strong friends with people who weren’t racially the same as me kind of prepared me for that. 

Anyways, he wants to be a doctor of osteopathic medicine (still don’t know what that is) and go to med school for it a year after our undergrad. I don’t plan on starting grad school right now because I am not fully sure what I want to do with my career just yet. I’m not going to put myself in more debt or spend more time in school without a reason. Anyways, not many medical schools in our state offer the certification he’d need so he’s even looking at schools out of state. I have always wanted to go with him and support him through it while I start my career, but as that time draws closer, I find myself unsure of myself.

I need a lot of attention and am very sociable. I know when he goes to med school, he won’t be able to give me as much attention and he can’t really be faulted for that. It probably won’t get any easier once he does his residency and beyond. Despite being sociable, I have created a support network of my family and friends (we’ve been together for like 10 years). It’s to a point that I can socialize with other people with the idea that they are going to be acquaintances or somewhat distant friends. I usually know what kind of friend I want people to be before or during meeting them. But my dependency on my support network is so... strong that it kind of messed up a very big job opportunity for me a few years ago. I am afraid of having to make new connections again once we move away. Regardless if he choses a school in our state or not, we’d have to move. I don’t want him to be my only social connection, but am also afraid of making new ones. 

I made a list of all the things that scared me with possible solutions in which moving away with him was on it. I wrote that I would try to connect with coworkers (I can’t imagine and kind of don’t want to be best friends with a coworker. You never know when play ends and work begins) and neighbors. I don’t even talk to my neighbors now. I thought I could bake my famous browned butter salted chocolate chip cookies and share them with people, hoping that it would be the start of something. I’ve picked up random conversations with random people before so hopefully I can still do that (I stopped the whole “don’t talk to strangers” thing when I was like 19). 

These solutions made sense to me and I hoped that by writing it down, I could move on with my life. That wasn’t the case. I became so focused on would by current boyfriend be able to meet my needs in the future and whether I’d be strong enough to let him go if it was impossible. I found myself loving him more than I loved myself and make decisions on bettering myself for him. Covid Vaccine? For him. Finding a good job? For him. I don’t want to love someone else more than I love myself. I don’t want these decisions to be based on another person. I want to chose what is right for me for me and not someone else.  

I wasn’t this way before my boyfriend. I actually avoided being in a relationship for a few years because I didn’t think I’d enter one for the right reason. Usually, I put myself and my happiness first. When I decided I was ready to care for another person, my boyfriend wasn’t the first guy I chose. I didn’t know he’d become the love of my life. I didn’t know that we’d want the same exact thing from our relationship and have active, open communication about or wants and needs from the other person. I craved his attention, always wanted to be around him, and didn’t even stop talking about him our first year together. I am better now, but he still finds way into my conversations because he’s what makes me happy. 

I’m not upset that I love him. I wouldn’t take that back. I just wish that I was enough for myself again in which I could make decisions for me and stand by them. I want to create the life I want and I want him a part of it. But if that’s not God’s Plan, can I let go of him? In all honesty, I’d rather be miserable with him with occasional happiness than miserable without him. Maybe that’s too strong of a statement so don’t take that at full face value.

I want to be able to figure this out while we are still together, but mentally I keep thinking I have a time frame to “fix myself”. At the same time, I know I don’t because I know mental health doesn’t work that way. I have the ability to take the time I need to take care of myself again which I am grateful for. It’s like having an adult and child in my mind. The child is crying all of my fears and anxieties while the adult is trying to calm them down with reasoning. I am thankful that I am at least this aware of my mental state. I can understand when something is anxiety or depression, name it, and although I am stuck with it, I try not to fall too deep in it.  

I still have hope things will get better and I won’t always feel this way. Hope and faith is all I have some days and that’s okay. I am one day closer to being the me I want to be.

[gracia-suficiente]

Despite doing a year recap post for 8 years now, I contemplated not doing a post this year. 2020 has been one of the worst years of my life, from the very start of it. There’s a lot from this year that I don’t want to remember, that I want to get away from as soon as I can. But, I have also learned a lot from these hard times. And I hope one day to re-read this post and think, “Gosh, I had it bad, but I made it.” So here’s my 2020:

Like I mentioned, January 2020 started off rough. My family and I almost lost my sister. I won’t go into detail but getting that call was one of the worst days of my life. It didn’t feel real. It felt like I was living a nightmare and it was so hard to see my parents go through the fallout of it all. The only good thing I can remember from that month was meeting my now good friend, Evan. To be honest, I’ve always been kinda attracted to him. I’d see him around the office and thought he was handsome and nice. We were on the same audit and he actually invited me to lunch one day (1/15 to be exact, I may or may not still have the email he sent me) and we clicked instantly! We became fast friends and even started to hang out outside of work soon after.

February was still stressful because of everything that happened with my sister in January. She was back home and it was hard to see her recover slowly. But, February was probably my favorite month of the year. Evan and I hung out quite a bit. On the first, he took me to this arcade in town and that’s when I was sure I had a crush on this man. It was so much fun! For the first time in forever, I didn’t spend Valentine’s Day alone either. I think this day was one of my favorites of the year. It was a Friday and a slow day at work so Evan stopped by my desk and asked if I wanted to go for a walk around the Capitol. This was something we had started doing frequently; he would stop by my desk or I would go by his desk to ask for a walk around to chat. We walked around the Capitol and then he asked if I had plans for the evening. He then asked if I wanted to have a happy hour with him and I said yes. We went to this small bar near the Capitol right after work and we had drinks and talked and talked and laughed and laughed. Before we knew it, THREE hours had passed. It didn’t even feel like we were there that long! We decided to head out, since it had gotten so late and neither of us had eaten anything. We walked back to the office in the night and he hugged me goodbye. On the way home, I listened to a playlist of songs I had made that reminded me of him and I was the happiest girl in Austin that night. Evan also invited me to a food tasting event that weekend on 2/19 and the waitress thought we were on a date and we didn’t correct her. February was also great workwise; I planned my first Wellness event as Coordinator and it was a success! The audit that I was working on was also picking up (I like to be busy). A group of work friends and I started monthly game nights too. It was so nice and fun to finally have a solid friend group. Lastly, I saw The Jungle Giants (2/16) and Beach Bunny (2/28) which ended up being my only two concerts of the year because…

The coronavirus hit in March. Well, that’s when the first shutdown/quarantine happened. I remember hearing about the virus in China but really didn’t pay much attention to it (I was obviously very distracted at the beginning of the year lolol). But Friday the 13th, I packed up some things from my desk and had to telecommute indefinitely. I don’t really remember feeling scared or even too worried. I thought it would all blow over relatively quickly. Boy, was I wrong. My parents came to visit for spring break, along with my brother and sister. It was so nice to see them but also hard to see my sister, who was still recovering. We didn’t get to do much either because soon after they got to Austin, the city shut down. It was really hard to go from having a busy life to not leaving my apartment at all. Another bad thing was that I had taken part of the CPA exam this month and found out I had failed. It sucked but if I’m being honest, I didn’t study as much as I should have. But one good thing was Evan. Wow he really was an anchor during this hard year. Despite the stay at home regulations, we kept hanging out. I know it wasn’t the most responsible thing to do, but we always hung out at home or outside and I really needed to see another person after spending my work week completely alone. He plays guitar and suggested that we learn to play a song together (since I play piano) so we started learning to play The Scientist by Coldplay.

April was another difficult month. Spending Holy Week completely alone was rough. The thing I wanted and needed most (the Eucharist) was unavailable to me because the churches were closed. Things were getting really bad in Europe and New York. I cried so much during Holy Week. Work was getting stressful too. But again, Evan was a constant. By this point, we were texting nearly every day and hanging out almost every weekend. I really enjoyed spending time with him. Not sure if this happened in April but one Saturday, we went geocaching and we found an Office themed geocache where we had to use a laser-pointer to find trees that eventually led to a box of trinkets. That was such a fun day.

Work was insane in May. I had never felt so busy before! One good thing about working from home is that when you’re extremely stressed, you can cry and no one will know. Things slowly started to open up again and I was able to go to reconciliation for the first time in 2.5 months. That was a blessing. Porter Robinson held his Secret Sky Fest, a virtual festival of EDM artists that was so much fun to jam out to alone in my apartment. I really missed live music and even though it wasn’t the same, it was still a good time. Evan and I kept hanging out and practicing our song. We even recorded a video of us playing together and it’s the cutest thing ever. Also, there was one Saturday in particular that sticks out to me: May 23. But we spent nearly all day together, playing music, drinking on his porch, getting dinner, sharing intimate details about our lives, and then playing board games with his brother when he got home from work. That day was another one of my favorites of the year.

June was a bittersweet month. I went home for my brother’s high school graduation. I had never seen the airport so empty in my life. My sister and I actually weren’t able to go to the ceremony and we had to watch it at home on the TV. But it was fun to celebrate with him and my family afterward. I worked from my hometown for a while and it was so nice to get to see my best friend and grandpas again. I really didn’t do too much with them as we were all being cautious. But this was the month that Evan told me that he started online dating again. I was crushed. I knew we were just friends but I liked him and thought he might have liked me too, considering how often he was texting me and asking to hangout. I was so confused because it felt like we had just gotten so much closer recently and I thought it might be leading to something more than friendship. But I was wrong.

I went back home in July again for my brother’s birthday. My parents had a small birthday/graduation party for him and it was nice to be back home again. The summer blues were really hitting me hard this month and you’d think that Taylor Swift releasing a surprise album would be a huge plus. But it gave me depression lolol It’s a sad album and her song “August” described exactly how I felt about Evan and his new girlfriend. I spent many summer nights, crying and drinking wine listening to this album. I don’t like summer and the things that make summer bearable (cool movie theaters and pools and air-conditioned museums) were taken away from me. Work was incredibly stressful too.

I don’t remember much of August to be honest. I was depressed and lonely and the summer heat was killing me. Work was continuing to be stressful and I wanted the audit to be over with. I was also upset because I didn’t get to hang out with Evan as much. He had been seeing this one girl seriously and I didn’t feel right hanging out with him one on one. There were a couple of highlights: I got to see one of my good friends/coworkers, Alana, for the first time since everything shut down. She is such a light and I really enjoy her friendship, even though we aren’t super close. Also, I got promoted on the 21st! It came as a complete surprise to me, considering that I had just gotten promoted the year before. Although a lot of managers had told me that I was already working at a higher level, I didn’t really feel like I was ready for a promotion so I was SO shocked when my manager called to let me know.

September was another weird month. By then, I was eagerly awaiting the holidays and the end of an already too long year. My depression was subsiding but I didn’t feel like my old self either. I celebrated my birthday with my cousin, who moved to my city in July. I am so thankful for her and her love; I probably would’ve spent my day alone if it wasn’t for her. We didn’t get to do all that we planned to do (there was a flash flood) but we did get to go to dinner! A few days later, Evan treated me to ramen and wine and we had dinner at my place and we talked for the first time in a while. It was such a sweet gesture from him and I felt bad that I didn’t do anything for his birthday.

October started off well with a few virtual concerts (Future Islands and Hippo Campus) and then my mom came to town halfway through the month because I had FINALLY scheduled my wisdom tooth removal. The surgery had to be postponed for a week (my dentist’s thermometer said I had a fever, but I ended up being fine and even tested negative for COVID. Idk what happened with that but it was annoying) so my mom stayed a little while longer. Then, on October 27, my dad called my mom to tell her that my grandpa had passed away. It was such a shock and completely unexpected. That day is one of the worst of my life and that’s when 2020 took a turn for the worst. Instead of getting my surgery later that week, I packed my bags and drove back home with my mom.

November was grief and exhaustion. I worked from my parent’s home and the audit wasn’t particularly stressful, thankfully. I was upset that I didn’t really get to say goodbye to my Austin friends (*cough* Evan *cough cough*) but I was also glad to not be alone anymore, after spending a good majority of 2020 alone in my apartment. The COVID cases in my hometown were at an all-time high though so I didn’t get to see any of my friends or even much of my family. It was heartbreaking going to my grandparents’ house, now completely empty, and see that everything was just as my grandpa had left it. Thanksgiving was sad and small.

Work was busier in December but thankfully it never got to an overwhelming place. My family was FINALLY able to lay my grandpa to rest on December 10. With all the COVID restrictions and the increase in deaths, it took forever for my grandpa’s funeral to be arranged. It was a small ceremony with maybe 15 people and I cried throughout the entire thing. We didn’t get to do a proper military burial for him (because of restrictions) but he did get a flag presentation. I helped my family clean out my grandparents’ house and I actually got to keep a few of my grandmother’s clothing and jewelry pieces! It was nice to have some of her things to cherish. Also, Taylor surprised us AGAIN with another glorious album. It was as if she knew that I needed something on the 10th to make me feel better after the funeral.  I was able to take off a couple of weeks from work and I cherished those days off. It was nice getting to spare some carefree time with my family, sister who had come back from NYC, and cousin. I also finally saw my best friend and even got to meet her new boyfriend. It made me so happy to see how happy she was with him. The holidays were still bittersweet because I missed my grandparents and our Christmas celebration was much smaller than usual. But I did get to help my dad make tamales and we got to go to mass for the first time since Thanksgiving! The year ended on a bit of a sour note for me because I awkwardly confessed my feelings for Evan and even though he reciprocated them, he said he didn’t want to date me. I was really hoping to end the year on a high note. I was really hoping that I could have one good thing and that things could work out with us. It was sad to hear him say that he was seeing someone else and as much as he liked me (and he REALLY liked me), it wasn’t enough to break up with this other girl and try things with me.

And that was my 2020, not including all the horrific things that happened in America and the world that just added to my stress and anxiety. I’m not sure how I feel about 2021. I didn’t even make New Year’s resolutions this year because they feel pointless to me. I’m trying to be hopeful but honestly, it’s been hard to do. I still miss my grandparents so so so much and even the thought of them brings tears to my eyes. Evan is still dating this girl and tells me about her and I have to pretend like it doesn’t hurt because we agreed to be friends. I don’t have any audits lined up after my current assignment. I’m staying home and trying not to see my friends as often because COVID is creeping up again but it makes me feel isolated and bad that I can’t see them. I miss Austin but also don’t want to go back to being completely alone again. I’m finding it hard to get on a good prayer schedule. So please pray for me and my family and the repose of the soul of my grandparents. I can’t wait for the day when I can read this and hurt for my past self, but also know that I’ve made it to somewhere better.

[mrnerdteacher]

7 “Last Jedi” Moments that Struck the Perfect Balance Between Tribute and Parody

When I talk to my older coworkers about Star Wars, they often wax poetic about how game-changing that film was when it debuted in the 70’s. They had never seen anything on that scale, or with special effects and a sense of imagination quite so fully realized.

But this is 2017. In the age of movies like Pacific Rim and Doctor Strange, where jaw-dropping special effects cause little more than a smirk, Star Wars can’t fall back on the old melodramatic space opera rhythms that once made it so iconic (that’s what made Force Awakens such a predictable snore and Rogue One such a humorless slog). Yet at the same time, it can’t abandon the themes and vibes entirely without losing a huge chunk of its decade-spanning fan base.

Thankfully, director Rion Johnson has found the perfect sweet spot between “tongue-in-cheek” and “touching tribute.” Here are 6 moments that will make you subvert your expectations while simultaneously making you feel FORCEfully nostalgic (which is no easy feat, mind you).

SPOILERS AHEAD! LIKE, ALL OF THEM. SO COME BACK ONCE YOU’VE SEEN IT.

#1) Poe Dameron vs The Entire Fleet

We’ve seen this moment over and over again in Star Wars. A brave soul piloting a single, tiny fighter jet manages to blow up the entire Death Star / Death Star again/ Droid Command Ship/ Starkiller Base/ Yada-Yada-Yada. This moment usually comes at the end of the film, but Last Jedi opens with it. And rather than having everything in hinge on the pilot’s skill or luck (which is still impressive), the conflict is resolved in a much more interesting way; the protagonist outsmarts the villain. This hilarious scene literally sets the mood for the next two and a half hours, and I loved it wholeheartedly.

#2) Good and Evil are More Like Frenemies

One of the weaknesses of the Star Wars franchise, in my opinion, is the way in which it paints the universe in very broad strokes of good or evil. It makes everything too neat and tidy for the audience, and thus ultimately unrelatable. “Last Jedi” does quite a few things to redefine what exactly is “Right” or “Wrong”, but the most fun inversion of this trope is in the romantic/sexual tensions between Rey and Kylo Ren. Imagine if the entire original trilogy had an undercurrent of eroticism during every Luke and Vader scene, and you’re on the right track. It’s like fan-fiction on the big screen!

#3) Doubling Down on Adorable Critters

Star Wars has always had its background filled with iconic, imaginative fauna, like the looming Rancor or the ill-fated Tauntauns. However, Last Jedi really ups the ante when it comes to animals you will immediately want as your personal pets. Porgs, Fathiers, and Vulptex each have their moment in the sun, and they add a much-needed emotional connection between the audience and this otherwise foreign universe. If you have a cat or a dog and this movie doesn’t make you want to run home and cuddle with them, I pronounce you dead inside.

#4) You Will Never Find a More Wretched Hive of Scum and Villainy… At Least Until 2017 Anyway...

For me, I can’t believe people are complaining about the subplot involving Canto Bight, the gambling city that holds the key to outrunning the New Order.

When Poe told the audience that this place is home to the most foul, evil creatures in the galaxy, we all pictured a Cantina-esque environment. And then we’re shown champagne guzzling aristocrats. Because these are the truly dangerous people in the galaxy; not the violent poor, but the cruel elite. Plus, the “Free Willy” side mission provided some of the most triumphant and touching moments in the entire story.

#5) Toying with our Expectations (and teasing us for having them in the first place)

Okay, go with me on this for a second.

The “Return of the Jedi” came out in 1983. After that, the next three movies were all prequels, so the audience knew, more or less, what was going to happen in the plot. Then came Force Awakens, which was such a slavish tribute to a New Hope that many considered it more like a reboot than a full-fledged sequel. And then finally there was Rogue One, which was, of course, another prequel.

I posit that this means “The Last Jedi” is the first piece of truly “fresh” Star Wars lore in almost 25 years!

No wonder it’s leaving a lot of fans with an uneasy feeling. However, I think that it is for precisely this reason that LJ is the strongest Star Wars film yet; because it keeps pulling the rug out from under you, and that is something that hasn’t happened in this series since Luke and Vader had their first father-son moment.

To wit, nearly every time a Star Wars fan knew what to expect, this film did the opposite.

Rey presents Luke his lightsaber, while John Williams booms in the background… and he tosses it over his shoulder like its garbage.

Supreme Leader Snoke, the ugly and fearsome Emperor 2.0… is gutted halfway through the movie. Turns out he was never really important in the big picture after all.

Same with Rey’s parents. You want to know who they were? Nobody, dummy. Pay attention to the character on screen, not the backstory you wish she had… This is really a Star Wars movie unlike any other…

#6) Making Us Think, Not Just Dream

Star Wars has never had any shortage of imagination, but resonance has never been its strong suit. Usually this series is content to tell the story of good and evil, and steers clear of any plotline that could ever be construed as controversial, probably to appeal to a wide-an-audience as possible.

This is why I was shocked to hear that the original 1977 classic was conceived as an Anti-American commentary on the Vietnam War.

With that in mind, “Last Jedi” is the closest film to ever achieve Lucas’ original intent of using the war as an allegory for real world issues. During the 2.5 hour run time, my mind spun around so many complex issues such as war profiteering, animal abuse, feminism, sexism, race, matriarchies, patriarchies, young love, old hates, and the list goes on. This might be the first ever “thinking man’s” Star Wars, and to me it is a welcome change.

#7) Taking Time to Pat Old Timers on the Back

For as much as this movie insists on being its own creature (there is even a subplot about letting all the old fogies die off so the new generation can make some real change), this movie is careful to include enough knods to keep the dedicated fans smiling. From the use of the original Princess Leia distress beacon to a cameo by PUPPET Yoda, this movie is a love-letter to the franchise even more so than Force Awakens. And if you don’t relate to that final frame, then you have never known the joy of picking up a cardboard tube and pretending it’s a lightsaber, so really why did you go see this movie in the first place? FINAL GRADE: A

[chasiingfreedom-blog]

My Thoughts On The Last Jedi *spoilers ahead*

Ahead lies thoughts about TLJ that are 100% true to me. Obvious spoilers ahead!

If you don’t think too much while you watch this movie and just take it at face value like a casual watcher, it’s a decent movie. Things blow up, the good guys escape actual extinction; typical action movie. But if you do actually start to think deep about what is actually going on for 2.5+ hours with characters and storylines you’ve been invested in for seven (or eight including Rogue One) movies, the cracks are so much more apparent. Characters are OOC, actual canon stuff that happened in the last movie are conveniently ignored; it’s like a badly written fanfic.

I came in fearing one thing and realized I should have been afraid of everything else, stuff I didn’t even think I needed to worry about because you’d never think they’d fuck up so badly. Though I should’ve realized when Rian said there’d be no time skip that things were just gonna go downhill from there.

Don’t get me wrong, there were things I loved about the movie, and I’ll start with those positives first!

Positives

Poe got more screen time. How they used that time is a different topic, but he had so little scenes in TFA because he was supposed to die in the opening that I’m happy that it got upped in TLJ.

Let the record show, once and for all, that Leia is Force-sensitive. Can you believe that there are still people, to this day, that think that Leia isn’t Force-sensitive? I didn’t even know the Force could work like that, but anything that kept Leia from dying on that bridge is welcomed by me. I was screaming in my head for a long time about how they lied about saying Leia isn’t killed in The Last Jedi until she awoke and propelled herself back to what remained of the ship. Glad that part was true at least!

Holdo’s death was pretty epic. My mixed feelings on her aside, that scene where she jumped to lightspeed through the First Order ship literally silenced the full-capacity theatre I was in. Like, literally—there was no rustling of popcorn bags or whisperings. It was just utterly breathtaking.

Hux and Finn have a scene. I’ve heard a lot of discourse about Hux slapping Finn, and while I understand where they’re coming from, I didn’t think of it on that level. What I did think of is how people are honestly confused as to why Hux actually felt personally attacked enough by Finn to do it. The stormtrooper program is everything to Hux, and Finn is a living, breathing reminder of his failure, that Mr. Perfectionist isn’t all that perfect after all. Wasted potential of a storyline aside, I’m glad they were able to meet.

Luke Skywalker deserves his legend status. LUKE BRUSHED A SPECK OF DIRT OFF HIS SHOULDER AFTER MINUTES OF BEING SHOT UPON. LUKE DID THAT. THE ROOM I WAS IN CHEERED SO LOUDLY AT HIS BADASSERY. IT WAS FUCKING SPECTACULAR. Don’t try to ruin the moment by saying he wasn’t actually there. Just. Don’t.

Kylo Ren’s arc progressed. Honestly his plot line was the whole point of the movie. Everything else was literally, actually meaningless in its wake. People who wanted him to have a redemption arc got a teaser for it, and him ascending to be the main baddie of the trilogy has solidified (which was my favourite of the theories regarding him tbh). It’s weird though, because while I had always hoped he’d off Snoke I honestly didn’t think it’d be that easy. It was too easy, actually. Really anti-climatic. I was hoping for an epic battle but alas. We never even got to find out who Snoke was, his orgin.

Rey’s past is finally revealed. While this, too, was anti-climatic, I’m glad it was addressed (unlike Finn’s, cough cough). I get why they wanted Rey to have come from nothing, to have someone that wasn’t apart of such huge dynasties like being a Skywalker or a Kenobi. Just know that I still love and adore any and all origin headcanons any Rey RPers have <3

The FinnRey was on point. And there was some FinnPoe and FinnReyPoe action. Finn’s and Rey’s first thoughts were always of each other. CAN SOMEONE PLEASE TRANSLATE WHAT CHEWIE SAID WHEN HE INTERRUPTED REY ABOUT WHAT TO SAY IF CHEWIE FOUND FINN FIRST? I NEED IT LIKE AIR. Even that look Rey had when she saw the Finn and Rose moment OH BE STILL MY HEART. Also that tracker became the new jacket thing that they shared. Rey had one, and Finn took the one Leia had and then passed it on the Poe like FUCK ME I LOVE THIS. And then POE AND REY FINALLY MEETING IN THE MOVIE? (I mean, in the novel they had met at the end of TFA but I digress.) IT WAS SO CUTE. FUCK. I lived for all the scenes Poe and Finn had together honestly, whew.

The Reylo wasn’t actually there. This was what I was most afraid of going into watching TLJ. I heard enough murmurings about it that I was dreading having to watch it. (I don’t care if you personally like it; it���s just not my cup of tea.) Like, I can see where the shippers would just take and run with what they were given, but I didn’t see anything romantic about their interaction despite how hard they were trying to make it be. I mean, Snoke was the one who forced their Force connection. I just saw two lonely, powerful people who were trying to find someone who understood what they were going through, like, platonically lol Plus, Rey didn’t even join him. That was another thing I was afraid of; Rey going dark. So I was overall pleased by this.

Negatives

Poe was so OOC (as well as 90% of the characters in the movie). Yes, Poe may be very good at blowing things up, made quite the career out of it, but if y’all are trying to help him see that that alone isn’t going to win wars and show him that he’s more than a flyboy maybe y’all shouldn’t be slapping him needlessly or be hypocrites and send him out to do the very thing you just reprimanded him for ten minutes later.

And yes, Poe may be reckless, but only with his own life, never with the lives of his friends and squad and Resistance members that he considers family. Never. Ever.

And yes, Poe had technically defied Leia before in TFA (but that was in the novelization only when he had stayed behind until he had eyes on the Falcon after Starkiller blew up and honestly in the eyes of TLJ he had never defied Leia) it was a) for a damn good reason and b) he had told his squad to leave without him and they chose not to.

So watching Poe defy Leia and risk an entire fleet of bombers to destroy one Destroyer was just painful to watch. Watching some no name newbie character take command over Poe when Leia was out of commission was painful to watch. Watching Poe being treated like he isn’t a brilliant commander and having ALL HIS PLANS FAIL was painful to watch. Fuck, watching Leia taser Poe like he was a fucking terrorist was painful to watch. Honestly I think the whole theatre was stunned when Leia did that, DAMN. It was just all very painful.

Finn is not a traitor, please get that straight. That whole Finn/Rose scene where Rose said Finn was a traitor for trying to escape and lead Rey away from danger like WHEN THE FUCK DID FINN JOIN THE RESISTANCE? DO Y’ALL THINK YOU OWN HIM BECAUSE YOU HEALED HIM? Honestly I didn’t think he was all in until he said he was rebel scum tbh. He admitted that he was only on the Starkiller mission to save Rey, just as he was when he tried to leave. He doesn’t owe anyone shit. Tasing him was so unnecessary.

There was no time skip. Other than being typical of Star Wars trilogy movies, it just would’ve made sense. Can you tell me how the first sentence of the opening crawl said the ‘First Order had won’ or something to that affect? LIKE DID WE WATCH THE SAME MOVIE OR WHAT?

And then somehow the FO had developed tracker tech and didn’t use the entire time they were fighting the Resistance until the Resistance was fleeing D’Qar, which apparently must’ve happened right after they sent Rey off to find Luke because haha Rey and Luke’s first meeting scene is happening concurrently with the rest of this shit. It doesn’t make any sense. Finn recovers so rapidly without any physical therapy (Kylo’s face I can understand because hey the FO has the tech for that advancement).

All of this would just make sense if there was a time skip. The Resistance flees D’Qar shortly after Rey leaves because the First Order knows what system they’re in and it’s only a matter of time before they find out which planet. In the mean time, the FO develops the tracker technology (and all those fancy Destroyer ships and hey when did the Resistance get bombers, why weren’t the used at Starkiller??). The Resistance finds out about from whom the FO gets their funding from and heads to Canto Bight, or hey after a run in with those damn destroyers they know they gotta take them down and the whole Maz-code breaker-Canto thing happens and boom that fight in Canto is where the tracker gets placed and boom the standoff in Crait and during all this they don’t do Luke dirty and Rey really trains and DOESN’T THIS ALL MAKE SO MUCH MORE SENSE?

They did Luke dirty (as well as Ben/Kylo’s origin story). Another victim of being terribly OOC. This man wouldn’t even consider killing his own father but hey, my nephew Ben is being seduced by the Dark Side and I can’t hope to save him even though I saved my father who was even more fargone than Ben so let’s consider killing Ben for a hot second before that becomes a problem thus driving Ben over the edge. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. I’m gonna stick with Ben’s power just exploded, killing everyone, and in his fear he ran to Snoke. Oh, and they killed Luke off. Epic way to go, but still.

Out with the old, in with the new. Jessika, Snap and the rest of the squad from the first movie just mysteriously disappear in TLJ. In their wake we get Rose and Paige and Holdo, of which the latter two’s deaths really don’t impact us as much as they would have if, I don’t know, we knew about them before? Could y’all build up the characters you have instead of bringing in new even more underdeveloped ones?

Kylo Ren and Finn don’t meet. We got a Hux/Finn reunion, where was the Kylo/Finn one? This one actually makes more sense because, I don’t know, Kylo could name Finn by designation and wrecked a console upon hearing that BB-8 was with Finn and HEY HE FUCKING SCREAMED AT FINN FOR BEING A TRAITOR but nah, not one peep in TLJ. Makes sense. Not.

All that wasted storyline potential. Let’s be real here, folks. Everything that didn’t involve Kylo and Rey was utterly meaningless to the plot. Two-thirds of every fucking thing that happened in the movie meant nothing. Tons of people died for nothing and Poe and Finn and Rose got beaten and made to look like fools for nothing and this was really a 2.5+ hour filler movie to ascend Kylo into main antagonist.

Knowing that the people who help fund the First Order hang out in Canto Bight could’ve been huge.

Finn realizing that the same people who sold weapons to the First Order also sold to the Resistance could’ve been huge.

Kylo fighting Snoke could’ve been huge.

Finn returning to the First Order undercover could’ve been huge.

Finn returning to the First Order undercover and getting captured could’ve been huge.

A defecting stormtrooper piloting that machine instead of BB-8, as cool as that was, could’ve been huge.

Poe actually being groomed to become Leia’s successor could’ve been huge.

Finn’s force-sensitivity could’ve been huge. (PRY THAT FROM MY COLD DEAD FINGERS.)

The parallel between Poe willing to die for a cause and Finn finally finding a cause worth dying for could’ve been huge. (They both could stand to learn from Rose’s words to be honest.)

JUST. ALL. THE. POTENTIAL.

Luke and Leia deserved a real face to face meeting. I thought we had been blessed by a real reunion of the twins only to later find out Luke wasn’t really there. While I’m so glad we got something at all (that forehead touch fucking ENDED ME) I think we all deserved a real meeting. And now we’ll never get one.

There’s probably more for both sides that I’m missing that I’ll probably write as I think of them but I think I got most of it off my chest lmao If you made it this far, congratulations! I applaud you.

TL;DR: The movie had its good moments, but there were a lot of fundamentally wrong moments, too.

[maryanntorreson]

Why you should stop thinking of your kids’ gaming time as wasted time

Thoka Maer

One evening, I called my sons to come to eat — and got no response.

True confession: In anger, I marched into their room and kicked off the power button on their gaming console.

You’d have thought it was the end of the world. The boys were so mad and upset at me as their screen went blank. I brought them down to dinner, and my response to their behavior would typically have been: “You’re wasting away your life on video games.”

But that night, I chose to be curious instead of critical. I asked them: “Why is video gaming so important to you?”

I am so glad I asked. My boys were surprised, responding, “Mom, you really want to know?”

I replied: “Yes!”

They said: “Mom, everybody we know plays video games.”

They weren’t exaggerating. According to the Entertainment Software Association, 2.5 billion people on this planet are gamers. (“Gamer” simply refers to somebody that plays video games.) That’s roughly one-third of humanity.

My boys helped me discover an entire world that I knew nothing about, let alone knew how to parent. Gaming today is a connected, multiplayer, interactive entertainment experience. It’s full of competition, problem solving, puzzles, logic. Good stuff, right? It’s also full of conversations, culture, history, musical scores, art, dialogue, moral choices — stuff you actually want your kids to learn. Plus, gaming has philosophy, strategy, and amazing skill.

Imagine reading a really good book, or watching a great movie or sporting event — but this time you get to manipulate it, compete in it and interact with it. That’s modern video gaming.

The boys continued to teach me more things. For example, they told me that when I shut off the game, they get a suspension, explaining, “Mom, we have a responsibility and you keep asking us to pause the game. You can’t pause an online game. Seriously, Mom, you can’t pause a game.”

Then they said this: “You actually hurt us when you call us ‘loners’ and ‘losers’. We’re live on a headset in a multiplayer game with our friends, and we’re actually meeting new, real friends.”

That was the day I had an earth-shattering epiphany — I’m more alone in the kitchen cooking dinner than my boys are gaming upstairs. So I started embracing my kids as gamers, and this is what I yell out still to this day; “It’s almost time for dinner, where are you at in your game ?” I find out, I make the adjustment, and then we have that peaceful connected family dinner that I wanted in the first place.

One time, my oldest son Connor came to me and said “Mom, seriously, what do I need to do to get you to leave me alone after 3PM today?” I realized I could use his request to my advantage. So I made a list: Get your homework done and engage with Grandma at the table at lunch time (eye contact and all); I even added pulling weeds to the list. He got everything done. He said “Mom, this is so cool. All I really wanted to do this afternoon was rank up.”

In gaming, there are levels and leagues and rewards to be earned, so I figured if it’s important to him, it needed to be important to me too. This is exactly what Dr. Chris Haskell, associate clinical professor and esports head coach from Boise State University, says about his esport scholar-athletes. He is looking for gamers that have goals and are willing to improve in their game. In fact, many colleges now give scholarships for esports, and both the military and other industries now use video-game-type simulations in their jobs.

I started treating gaming like a sport with practices and everything. Would you go to your kid’s soccer practice or their baseball game and start yelling at the coach, “Stop everything, my kid needs to take out the trash now”? Of course not. I chose to let my kids game uninterrupted as long as they first took care of their responsibilities.

Gaming brings the entire world together with its common language and its team dynamics. Young people are watching others play video games. I used to criticize them for doing this. Well, my husband also watches other people play games — he’s a huge San Francisco 49ers fan. This past season, a game went into overtime and ended up lasting for four-and-a-half hours. Did I go lecture my husband and say, “You’re rotting your brain away and you’re wasting your life”? I chose to let him enjoy watching pro sports. When a gamer is watching another person play video games, they’re usually watching the pros and they’re trying to get tips and tricks for the games that they play.

Since I began talking to my sons about gaming, I’ve had a chance to interview some professional gamers. One of them remembered a time when he was with his extended family, and they were all going around sharing about their lives and trying to catch up with one another. When it was his turn, he started talking about video games and his love of playing. One of his aunts rudely announced to everyone: “Why don’t you tell us something that people are actually interested in?”

Everybody had a good laugh at his expense, and he’s hardly talked to his extended family since then — and that was over a decade ago. I wonder what would have happened if that aunt had chosen to be curious instead of critical?

By now you may be thinking, “Well, she didn’t bring up about any of the bad stuff about video games.” You’re right.

It’s true — there are concerns with online communication and other issues, but that’s why it’s even more important to be involved in a gamer kid’s life. In my own home, my sons and I have maintained an open dialogue about online behavior and balance. Now, years later, I know my younger son still games with his older brother, even though they’re over 300 miles apart. This melts my heart. Gaming has kept their connection close.

My advice isn’t just for parents. It’s also for grandma, grandpa, aunts and uncles, godparents, good friends, school administrators and other relatives: Be curious.

Here’s a simple solution. Start a conversation with your gamer kid by asking them these three questions:

What games do you play? Why do you enjoy playing those particular games? Can I watch you game sometime?

If we don’t embrace gaming, we might lose connection with the people that we love the most.

This piece was adapted from a TEDxIdahoFalls Talk. Watch it here:

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Cara Lane is a trainer, a motivational speaker, communication coach and author.

This post was originally published on TED Ideas. It’s part of the “How to Be a Better Human” series, each of which contains a piece of helpful advice from someone in the TED community; browse through all the posts here.

Why you should stop thinking of your kids’ gaming time as wasted time published first on https://premiumedusite.tumblr.com/rss

[1-800-donut]

Summer has never been this rough before. Summer is all about isolation this year. In previous years, I’ve had a girlfriend, a few of the years one of them lived in my town so we were able to spend every free minute of the day with each other throughout the whole summer. I had someone to talk to all the time; share my thoughts, passions, fears, excitement, anxiety, etc. with and had someone to listen. I had someone able to tell me it would be alright when I thought things couldn’t get any worse. I had someone validate my future goals, short terms goals, wants, needs, and ideas when I thought they wouldn’t go anywhere or they were at a dead end. This year is different. I keep everything to myself. I don’t talk about the movies I like or the songs I hear. I don’t talk about the ideas that I have, because I don’t have a lot of inspiration to be quite honest. Although I don’t rely it solely on a significant other, this summer is worse because not only do I not have a significant other, but all my friends have gone elsewhere because we all just graduated college. I went from living with three of my best friends for the last two years at school, almost always having someone in the apartment to talk to, watch movies with, talk about our film ideas and inspirations, or even just to sit in silence with each other and appreciate and feel warm from the company. I miss being able to text my friends and have them show up at my apartment within a minute or ten minutes if they didn’t live down the hall from me. I miss random adventures to anywhere we felt like at any time of the day just out of boredom. I’m living in a memory, it feels like. I’m living in a town that once was my everything. I went through all my years of school here, I see the same streets, the same buildings and places to eat (for the most part), I remember all the times I had with my school friends and I try to think of what we did when we were bored. But now all of those friends have other friends and jobs and responsibilities that consume their time, and because it’s been four years since we last saw each other every day, none of us are each other’s priority or first thought when it comes to hanging out. And don’t get me wrong, I still love them dearly and love their friendship, it’s just a matter of growing up. I feel like I’m in such a liminal space right now because I will be moving to Brooklyn in August and that will be my home for the projected few years of my life. I feel like I know i’m not staying here long so I can’t really settle here and feel comfortable. All my “family” is back at camp so I don’t even have my friends who I see every day anymore. Everyone has a job except me. I keep pushing it off because, again, I’m moving to Brooklyn so why bother having a job for six weeks? I mean I do have a job but it’s the worst job I’ve ever been at, so poorly managed, so under-staffed, cheapest place in the world and no words can really describe the whole thing unless you’ve been there. But that’s besides the point; all my friends have full-time jobs or are travelling and doing what they love because they don’t have to worry about money because they have jobs or aren’t going to have to pay rent like I will and they know they’ll eventually make the money that they spend back some way or another. But I know that I’m going to be paying a shit ton of money just so I can qualify for in-state tuition the following two years and not have to commute almost 2.5 hours via public transit. Plus there are no film opportunities in New Jersey so getting a job while living here is basically useless and pointless. While on this long rant, I might as well just say that I’m worried I went into the wrong area of film. I am a producer and director. There’s not really any freelance work for that area. Editors, cinematographers, grips, gaffers, even ADs, etc. are all available for freelance work and can get jobs frequently. I guess in my area it’s more about the pay off. I’m hoping I’ll be able to have a stable and steady job rather than freelance because the idea of freelance is a bit scary. There’s no stability in it and you could go weeks without a job if you can’t find anything. But I think my biggest thing right now is that I’m really stuck in this liminal space and feel like I can’t do anything. I’ve got so many things I need to do but my ADHD has honestly been horrible lately and is really making it hard for me to get anything done. I don’t want to take my meds again because they make me anxious but now the fact that I’m doing nothing is making me anxious because I feel like I’m wasting this time that I have and I don’t understand why I can’t just be happy where I am and I can’t just enjoy the time here and be in the moment. I’m so uninspired and all I want to do is work on films and make music and do things I love and I just can’t remember how to do the things I love and that’s scary and frustrating and I hate it. I’ve ranted far too long about far too many things but I think this feels kind of good to let it out. I just wish that instead of writing this out on here where no one will read it, I had a girlfriend to tell this all too and be validated and have her maybe give some advice or support or anything. And maybe she’d just hold me for a little while and make me feel loved. One last thing though because this is a thought that I’ve had for awhile now-- I feel like I really relate to those videos of stray dogs being taken off the street and they’re really grimy and mean and scared and then they’re shown a bit of love and care and they become a whole new dog. I feel like I haven’t been shown any true love and affection from a partner in so long that I’ve turned into this sad / angry (sometimes...not nearly as much now...I’m actually really proud of myself for that but that’s a whole other story for another day) dog who just needs some fucking love man. I keep hoping maybe I’ll meet a nice queer girl in Brooklyn and she’ll be beautiful and lovely and accepting and validating and make me smile and maybe we can even find time to get brunch occasionally and snuggle up and binge-watch some Netflix when we both don’t have adult responsibilities like work or school or anything like that, and maybe hopefully she’ll have some really awesome and cool friends who like me and like that she’s with me and like hanging out with both of us and maybe she’ll even like my friends too AND maybe I’ll even make some new awesome friends in Brooklyn so I won’t feel so lonely because I won’t know anyone out there. Wow okay this is all such great wishful thinking but the reality of the idea is unlikely and sometimes I really feel like I’m going to end up like my uncle who has never been married but I’m fairly certain he’s always been in love with this one woman he used to date on and off forever ago and they’re still friends. Ok rant over now.

[carasueachterberg]

Here are the notes I wrote to myself this morning on my phone while waiting in the trailer for my turn on set:

I can do this.

Breathe.

This is not some test or race or desperate attempt to impress.

This is just me. Talking about the dogs I’ve fostered and how if more people fostered dogs – we could save more dogs.

This is a message I know deep in my core. It’s why I wrote the book.

Now, if my nerves could just take a seat and stay out of the way, this should be easy.

Larissa is a really cool person. This is just a conversation with her. I need to forget the cameras and audience and talk with her.

I can do this.

Breathe.

****

Later that afternoon: Back in the hotel room.

My head is spinning and I really can’t tell you if it went well or not. It went fast.

Getting to the set this morning was more challenging than I anticipated.

It started out innocent enough. I booked an uber and he showed up very quickly. When I got in, he asked me where I was going and I told him. (I assumed he already knew this — but this was the first time I’d booked an uber, so we chatted for a moment about it).

He then proceeded to take me to Gate 3 at Universal, which wasn’t the gate where I was supposed to come in (that would have been Gate 4- the address I had used to book the uber).

The guard explained to us which gate I was supposed to enter through and how to get there and the driver acted as if that made no sense. I wasn’t going to get out of the car in the wrong place, so he asked, “You know where to go?”

I told him I did. So we set off again. I recited the guard’s directions as he drove. Silently, I noted my directions followed the route on the GPS on his dash set for my original destination.

Sigh. I thought uber was supposed to be the end all.

[side bar – I’ve noted that you can’t get anywhere quickly in this town – it took 2.5 hours from walking off the airplane to collapsing in my hotel bed last night- which was really this morning EST. So perhaps this uber driver was a transplant from the east coast who was just trying to take a short cut.]

At the correct gate, the guard said my uber wasn’t allowed in, so I got out and followed her directions on foot to the Home & Family set. It was kind of cool walking up Steven Spielberg lane past old western sets and occasionally being passed by trolleys full of tourists. They probably thought I was someone famous. But maybe not, as I was the only person walking in that entire backlot. Everyone else buzzed by me in a golf cart.

This morning a huge wind was blowing through LA. I was informed (repeatedly) that this isn’t the norm, but by the time I reached the set, my eye makeup had mostly teared off from the wind and my hair was doing its own thing. Luckily, the hair and makeup people had time to repair some of the damage.

I met Larissa, the journalist doing my story, and Susan the producer for my segment. We went through the ‘script’ so I knew how they were shaping the story. Then we headed to the set – which was really amazing.

The Home & Family set really is a home that looks like it’s plucked right out of a New England neighborhood (just like Wikipedia said). The trees in the backyard have fake fall leaves on them. There’s lots of crown molding and Pottery Barnish furniture.

I wish I had taken pictures, but once things started zooming along, there really wasn’t a moment for me to ask the thirty or so camera people, card holders, sound people, other guests (two cooks), hosts, and random people with clipboards and baseball hats (I think they may have been set designers since they did a lot of rearranging throw pillows), to move out of my way while I snapped a few pictures.

Plus, it felt weird to take their pictures (like that meant I didn’t belong there and do this all the time, which I don’t, so not sure why that matters, but we don’t always grow out of our old insecurities).

The show isn’t live, but it’s taped as if it is and goes from one place to the next at the same pace as the real show. Staying out of the way was an ever-present challenge the whole time. (can you find my book amongst the set garble?)

The only do-over I witnessed was when the sound didn’t work for the first attempt at facetiming with OPH foster, Stephanie (who was awesome, btw, as was Glynda, her foster dog). Otherwise, it was go-go-go, like pretty much everything else around here.

I tried very hard to breathe and push nerves aside, and I did that pretty well until one of the hosts, Cameron, asked a very general question that was completely off script – something like, “You’ve fostered 130 dogs, what’s that like?”

The answer to that question is pretty complicated, so I wrote a book about it. That’s the answer I should have given him, but instead, I stumbled around with a stupid answer and can’t even remember what came out of my mouth.

After that things moved on warp speed and I think it went better but I can’t say. I did relax a bit when they popped up a picture of Frankie on the screen. My wubba bubba always makes me feel better.

I walked back to the hotel from the set (it was only a mile or so) rather than chance another Uber (or Super Shuttle – which was MUCH worse). It was a beautiful day and kind of fun to be the only person walking all the way across the entire back lot of Universal.

Other than the fact that there weren’t many sidewalks, I enjoyed my walk. Might have been the best part of my day. I walked by lots and lots of special parking spots reserved for special people, but being a non-TV person who rarely goes to the movies and doesn’t retain the names of famous people anyway, it was lost on me.

Ya know, being on TV is very far removed from what I want to be doing in terms of writing and fostering,  but the deeper I get into dog rescue, the more willing I am to put myself out there if it will help. If me flying across the country, facing my travel anxieties, and stumbling through a few questions under lots of pressure and makeup will help save more dogs, than I’m happy to do it every day.

Really.

(But I’m glad I don’t have to do it every day.)

Really glad.

Hey, thanks for reading. I know you’ve got lots of options, so thanks for sharing a few of your minutes with me.

Honored,

Cara

If you’d like to know more about me, my books, and where you might run into me, check out my website, CaraWrites.com.

If you’d like to subscribe to my (sometimes) monthly e-newsletter, click here.

If you’re a dog lover, check out my other blog, Another Good Dog. And discover my latest release at AnotherGoodDog.org.

I’d love to connect with you on Facebook, twitter, or Instagram, and I’m thrilled to get email from readers (and writers), you can reach me at carasueachterberg@gmail.com.

My latest book, released Aug 2018 from Pegasus books:

Being a big TV star is really not all it's cracked up to be.. #writerlife #thethingswedofordogs #Home&FamilyShow Here are the notes I wrote to myself this morning on my phone while waiting in the trailer for my turn on set:

[fashiontrendin-blog]

Smoothie Bowls and Meal Prep: A Brooklyn Nutritionist’s Money Diary

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Smoothie Bowls and Meal Prep: A Brooklyn Nutritionist’s Money Diary

In this edition of MR Money Diaries, Sydney, a registered dietitian and Brooklynite, documents her expenses for a week.

My dad didn’t believe in credit cards. He was a cash guy, always and forever. He traveled with dollar bills strapped to his ankles and stashed under his cowboy boots; this was his normal.

When I was a teenager, he made me keep $60 in my wallet at all times, “just in case.” On a few occasions, I spent said money on clothes (as any 16-year-old might) and he lectured me about the irresponsibility of not having cash on hand.

Fast-forward nine years and things have changed. My slim wallet currently contains 72 cents, a debit card and a credit card. Now I’m a registered dietitian who works at Middleberg Nutrition, a private practice in Manhattan on 56th Street between Park and Lexington Ave. Most of my money these days is spent on food. Though I like to look nice while discussing food, I’d rather put that $60 in cash toward organic produce than a fancy dress. I covet Vitamixes now, not trendy handbags.

I live with my dog, Charlie, and my partner, Jordan. I am the primary grocery store shopper in my household and 99% of my shopping is done at the Park Slope Food Coop. I guess you could say I’m one of those “crunchy granola Brooklynites.” Here’s a week of my receipts as proof:

This was a pretty standard shopping day for me. I go veggie-heavy when I’m grocery shopping and I look for products with minimal packaging. I also choose one to two proteins that can be stretched throughout the week (like ground turkey, chicken or eggs). 70% of the produce at the Coop is local and it all looked so good today.

Splitting groceries with my partner is very convenient and if you factor the total out over the week, it brings our meal totals to less than $15/day per person. A random Amazon purchase like today’s dog food and beeswax food savers usually gets made every week. Let’s hope this is the only one.

I didn’t spend a dime until 5:48 PM. I had overnight oats for breakfast and a big-ass homemade salad with Safe Catch Wild Tuna for lunch.

I used to go out to dinner all. of. the. time. NY Eater’s “Heat Maps” were my bible. When I was in college, I would drop money at Whole Foods and then barely use half of my groceries. (I will shamefully admit that I was a big food waster.)

These days, I save my dinners out for the weekend (or if my best friend is in town from LA, as was the case here). It’s rare that I don’t use all my groceries, and on the off chance I don’t use something, I save it to be composted. (I really am “crunchy granola.”) My $34.39 dinner could have been spent at a tastier spot, but tonight it was all about the company.

This is a pretty normal day for me. I ate a makeshift breakfast today. (It was a little bit of everything, including an almond breakfast cookies from Clean Eating Magazine, which was amazing. Here’s the recipe.)

I had to do some recipe testing at the office so I snacked for an hour, then came home and made a little salad for lunch. Dinner was organic chicken breast plus roasted asparagus and fennel. Here’s how to make it:

Marinate a chicken breast (or two to three chicken breasts if you want to have more for later) in balsamic vinegar, avocado oil, salt, pepper, Italian spices for at least 30 minutes. Place the chicken on a baking sheet and roast at 400F for 25 minutes, flipping halfway. Midway through the chicken’s cooking, put the veggies on a tray, spray them with avocado oil and sprinkle them with pepper. Let those roast for the next 12.5 minutes.

While the chicken and veggies were roasting, I meal-prepped some mini egg frittatas. (Whisk together six eggs, add in any veggies you have and then pour into muffin tins; this makes six muffins. Place them in the oven at 350F for 20 minutes or until cooked through. Store in tupperware for up to four days, and when you’re ready to eat, either microwave for one to two minutes, or reheat for five minutes in the toaster oven.) I will get three breakfasts out of this little recipe and each muffin costs about $2.00. I have early clients tomorrow and won’t have time to make a smoothie, so 25 minutes of my time to save myself $11.00 on a smoothie seems reasonable.

On a shittier note, my dog may or may not have fleas. 🤔😷🐶

I made coffee at home and brought breakfast (egg muffins) to the office. For lunch I ate leftover chicken and roasted veggies over spinach. For dinner I ate the rest of the leftover chicken and avocado in a Siete Tortilla with a side of — you guessed it — roasted veggies.

If you are wondering WTF a Siete Tortilla is, it is a grain-free, corn-free tortilla and it is delicious AF.

I don’t usually get massages midday on a Friday but I was feeling super sick today so I hit up one of Park Slope’s best-kept secrets: Sunshine Best Body Work. Their acupressure massages are cheap and more torture than luxury but I always walk out of there feeling like a new human.

For breakfast I ate another egg muffin and a homemade smoothie. Lunch was bone broth and avocado. For dinner: Turkey tacos. I also finished up the rest of those roasted veggies.

While waiting for the check at dinner I looked at my girlfriend and was like, Shit, I love this human; I am going to buy her dinner.

I ate breakfast and lunch at home and I made homemade chocolate bark today. Here’s how: Mix 1/4 cup melted coconut oil with 1/4 cup cacao powder. Add in dash of cinnamon and sprinkle of sea salt. (I added in crushed almonds for some crunch.) Then pour onto parchment paper and freeze.

I ate breakfast and dinner plus a snack (Wasa crackers and turmeric hummus) at home. My girlfriend paid for lunch. For dinner, I made a makeshift taco bowl (spinach on the bottom, roasted veggies, turkey meat, avocado, sauerkraut and salsa.

Today was another no-spend day! I made my own lunch (eggs and avocado) and dinner (a big salad). For breakfast, I made a smoothie bowl. This recipe serves two!

Smoothie Bowl: – 2.5 cups unsweetened almond milk (pour this in first) – 2 cups frozen kale – 1/2 frozen banana – 1/4 cup frozen blackberries – 1/2 cup frozen zucchini – Cinnamon – Optional: Protein powder (I added Vital Proteins) – 1 tbsp. Chia seeds. – Any other toppings (I added shaved coconut, sunflower seeds and almonds)

You may have to blend a few times to get to your desired consistency.

_______________________________________________________________

Keeping track of my spending while writing down my meals every day was definitely interesting. I ask all of my clients keep a food journal and then I review it in-between sessions so it was cool to be on the other side of journaling. I think 16-year-old me would balk at how I spend my money in NYC but adult me is pretty pleased with the total. My weekends are lamer than they once were but I’ll take a simple burger and a movie over standing on a couch at the club any day. And hey, if most of my money goes toward quality food that nourishes me and supports small farmers, I’ll take it.

My dad, who sadly passed away two years ago, used to mock me for going food shopping in my free time. I think he would be happy to know that not much has changed without him — and then he’d lecture me for this cashless life I have since adopted.

Photo by Madeline Montoya.

[ramle17-18]

10/30

lmao so i've been really really awful about keeping up with journaling. i wrote an entry about a week or so after the last one and then more than halfway through tumblr decided to delete it without saving it as a draft :) and i just simply didn't have the energy to rewrite it. so i will try to summarize everything that's been going on, because i hadn't even started school yet in the last entry. i think it'll be easier to go by subject than by day in this one just because so many different things have happened, and it's over 2 weeks' worth lol. so!

school:

we started school! we've successfully completed two weeks :) some days are definitely rougher than others, some kids are definitely rougher than others, but overall they seem to love marleigh and me a lot! the first week we just did nametag-making activities so we could start learning their names and get a rough idea of their hebrew levels (they're really all over the place). all last week we did halloween activities with them, which they LOVED. we did trick-or-treating games and then i drew these enormous word searches on the board for them to all take turns solving as a class, and that seemed to work really well with their vocab words so i think that's something we'll use again for sure.

iris, the school counselor, is apparently going to be giving us food every wednesday, which is honestly amazing. she's so incredibly sweet, but also very shy because her english isn't good so she barely talks to us. but she's adorable and so so nice.

i'm frustrated with hana, the other english teacher besides avital, because she just never seems to know what the fuck is going on with anything ever. but thankfully we really don't have to work or even talk to her very often.

marleigh and i have been working super well together, and i really do stand by what i said about not feeling like i would want to have been paired with anyone else in the house.

ulpan:

we also started ulpan. unforunately not as much of a success, which has been incredibly fucking frustrating. so basically what happened was, we went in for our first day about two weeks ago (wednesday the 18th i think) and she passed out these long-ish passages with questions to answer. everyone except me was like "nope lol" but i tried to do it, and immediately yael, the teacher, came over and was like "no you're doing this wrong" (because i was translating sentence by sentence so i could remember what i had read when it came time to answer the questions...she didn't explain to me why it was wrong to do it that way nor did she offer any alternatives but uh ok). she also doesn't speak very much english which would be fine except it just doesn't lend itself well to our situation which is so unnecessarily complicated.

anyway, so after that she wanted me to just start at the beginning with everyone else, yknow like the very very beginning with the letters and "ani jami, at yael" over and over and over and i was going to lose my shit. so i was asking if there was like an in-between level i could be put in because the second level (which is what the passage was from) seemed a little too hard for me, and she responded by...giving me another passage worksheet. and everyone was getting annoyed with me, and i felt bad, but also i had been looking forward to this since before even getting here, we had to wait a month and a half to start, and i really refuse to not learn anything at this point.

so i went into the hall to work and madeleine came out a bit later and nurit came to talk to us, and i guess yael told nurit that she thought i was very disrespectful and that i clearly don't know as much hebrew as i think i do, and that she knows what she's doing etc etc. (i also don't like that nurit told me that but i'll get to that in a minute lol). by the end of the day yael said she would try to find something in between for us, which is literally all we'd been asking for from the beginning.

so we left pissed but relatively mollified. we went back the next monday and yael's supervisor, gila, was there. she told us that basically instead of us all having a 2.5 hour class, madeleine and i would come in at 5:30 and work until 6:30 or 6:45 and the others would have from 4-5:30. everyone was pissed, fairly so, and so madeleine and i brought it up to gila and we were like "we just thought we'd be doing stuff to the side so we could ask her questions but that she would spend most of the time with the beginners, we don't want to take any of their time away from them" and she gave us this whole speech about how it's not allowed to work that way etc. which is bullshit. but anyway so we went back at 5:30 and then at 6:15 out of NOWHERE yael shoves all her shit into her bag and is like "ok see you next week!" and fucking bolts. and madeleine and i were like uh????

so we went back the next wednesday (which was last week) and tried to tell yael how we were feeling, but as usual she kept speaking over us and trying to guess what we were going to say before we said it, and she kept being like "so you want to come back into the other class?" and we were like "NO, we just want the others to have the full time that was promised to them." and so she takes us into the hall and she looks at me and goes like "i know you complained about me. i really think you need to trust what i'm doing and you need to have a more positive attitude about ulpan." and i was gonna fucking punch her. so then i was like "to be clear, are we done at 6:15 or 6:30? because gila said 6:30 a bunch of times the other day." and she said some bullshit about how the hour includes a 15 minute break and since she doesn't need the break we can just do the 45 minutes. but as matt pointed out later, it's supposed to be 75 minutes including a 15 minute break, so she's skimping off literally 25% of our lesson and we're now getting 45 minutes twice a week. she told us we can sit in on the other class and do work off to the side if we want, but they can't stay after. so like i think we're just gonna sit down and shut up and keep working on our own lol.

this woman's teaching methods are also fucking ridiculous. madeleine tried to use an infinitive and said it wrong and yael literally was like "ok, if you don't know how to do something correctly, don't do it at all." and also doesn't give us time to write anything down "we don't have time we don't have time!" and i just can't stand her. the stuff we're doing is also below my level but like i said i'm just gonna deal with it and keep working on duolingo. talia also sent me the online version of her hebrew textbook so i'm gonna use that as well and just do work on my own.

nurit & house drama:

well! first off, nurit finally got involved with all of the matt and rachel drama because he was being awful awful awful to her. so in typical nurit fashion she decided that the best way to handle the issue was to first speak to sultana and marleigh, then matt and rachel separately, and THEN matt and rachel together, which is literally the opposite way from how i would've done it, but whatever.

we've also noticed that in addition to her lovely habit of being "blunt" she likes to gossip. a lot. about us. to one another. and it makes us super fucking uncomfortable. yesterday i was in the car with her on the way to the rabin museum and she just started talking shit about matt to me, i was so uncomfortable and then of course immediately went to him and told him about it lmao

we're also butting heads with her because she keeps planning all this shit without any regard for what we want to do. her sunday activities have mostly been flops, and she ignores all of our input or suggestions. we went to the ilana goor art museum in jaffa which was actually really cool, but the tour was an hour long and she was like "what should we do after, i think we should do team-building, we can go to a park and i can bring a ball" and i was like "can we just stay in the museum? it looks really big on the website and i'm sure there are going to be things the tour doesn't cover" and matt and madeleine agreed, and nurit basically went into this whole thing (prompted by matt being kind of a dick ofc) about how she's in charge and we're being insulting and blahblahblah.

basically she has no problem with bluntness when it's coming from her but the second it's directed at her she gets super defensive. all i know is i'm never telling her anything about myself again because she can't be trusted to keep it to herself.

weight:

lowest so far is 136.2. i've been hovering around 137 on and off the past few days though, i think it's because i'm constipated tbh. idk if it's because i'm not eating enough or what. but i went down a notch on my fitbit strap :) we have the eilat trip this weekend and i think i'll wear the purple suit instead of the black one.

misc:

i ended up not going to hannah's halloween party :( they were super nice about it obviously but i felt bad. i just haven't been sleeping well and i was so exhausted, plus madeleine was sick and didn't really want to go either, so i just stayed home.

in other news i've been pretty good about reading! i just finished 'rebecca' by daphne du maurier yesterday and really enjoyed it. i want to try and read more classics by female authors.

we also watched pulp fiction and i didn't like it. we saw mother! and it was alright, super crazy symbolic but the movie itself was...a lot.

i think that's really it?

[followthatfreckle]

Over the river and through the woods..

Good early early morning from Nairobi! It fathoms me that in 24 hours you can be halfway around the world. It was a pretty long 24 hours, but we made it without any major hiccups! We flew first from Denver to Chicago, which seems silly to me, but I don't make the flight schedule so I just go with it. If I was in charge we would have flown further to the east coast before jaunting across the ocean. That way it would have broken up at least one of the flights. Regardless, we had about an hour and a half layover in Chicago before heading to London. My seat was in the second to last row of a giant 747. I tried to slip the gal at the counter a 20 to let me sit upstairs, but she politely laughed and said there just wasn't any availability. Next time! I had to sit next to a slightly ripe Russian fellow that insisted on sitting too close to me and had a strange need to keep lifting his arms so I could get a whiff. Luckily, I think I either got used to the smell or my nose passed out, so I made it to London alive. I slept about an hour out of the 8, but only managed to watch one movie that entire time. I picked Logan to watch, which I enjoyed even with all the blood and gore. I was quite impressed by the food on this flight also. I opted for the chicken curry with rice. It was good, but let's talk cheesecake. Cinnamon roll cheesecake. Wow. Trip over after that. How can you top that?! Plus it was served by a flight attendant who reminded me of Adele. So, despite being in the poor people section, at least I had cheesecake, Adele, and an aisle seat. We had a 3 hour layover in London, which went fairly quickly since we had to transfer to another terminal and go thru security for the third time. I apparently didn't have to take my shoes off, but I thought, 'you didn't wear socks today so let's just go ahead and pick up all the airport germs we can'. See, this trip is a success already! My boss and his family are also here in Kenya, so I sat with them for a second before we got on the plane to head to Nairobi. Funny to see familiar faces so far away from home! The saving grace of the 8 hour flight to Nairobi was.... want to guess? Chocolate orange pudding. Yeah, apparently airplane dessert is my new vice. I was sitting pretty near the back, next to an overly chatty British bloke named Leon, sardined in the middle seat. The first thing the lady next to me did when I sat down was pop off her bra. Cozy. Too cozy. I only watched one movie, which I opted to see 'Fences'. It wasn't horrible, but I think a more appropriate name would have been The Denzel Monologues. I started to watch Trolls, but that's just because I was ready to sleep. I think I got about 2.5 hours on this go around. Unfortunately for me, my screen quit working so I had to chat more with Leon about Microsoft products and all of his different lines of work over the years. Don't get me wrong, he was a nice fellow and all, but I don't need to know your 60 year resume! We landed in Nairobi at 9 pm local time. We got our visas online, which seemed to expedite the process of going through customs, but we still had to wait a bit before retrieving our luggage. Checking bags is always the biggest stress of mine while traveling. I usually avoid it at all costs, but couldn't really stand to haul that bag around for so long this time. Luckily it arrived safely, we exchanged money and then headed to the hotel. Our hotel is super nice. Better be for what we paid for the trip :). I'm rooming with Renee, who I went to Greece with 2 years ago, so it's nice to know who you are sleeping next to. Before entering the hotel we had to get our bags scanned and go through a metal detector, so that was interesting, but besides that we are here safe and sound. Of course, now it's 5:45 in the morning and I should be sleeping, but I like to live life dangerously! We met up with my aunt and cousin, so we are all here together now about to start a grand adventure! I'll leave you now, since I have to get up in two hours for our first day in Kenya! Until next time!! Me