#and i do sincerely believe i don't have to have or share fully formed opinions about every single thing. truly none of us do

[jabeur]

hi hope you're well! i wanted to ask if you would share your opinion on the doping thing? it's okay if you don't want to be dragged into it, i just think the takes i've been seeing are very... black and white and you seem like someone who would offer a nuanced view of the whole thing

hi, first of all thanks, it's nice of you to say that. no i don't want to be "dragged into it" in the sense that if i get other asks that are not as nice or if i get too many (not that i think people particularly care about my opinions, honestly) i will not keep engaging in the conversation. i've started learning months ago that being on social media too much and getting too involved isn't good for me, even when nothing controversial is being discussed and there's no "drama", but especially at times like this. so i'll answer this but won't be involved in arguments or anything.

anyway, my opinion, i don't even know if you could call it one, but it's simply: i don't know enough about any of this to give my two cents. i don't know, obviously, as none of us do, what really happened. i don't know jannik or his team personally, so i can't say "oh he'd never do that" (and anyway i think even people who know us well sometimes don't know what we are capable of). i don't know anything about anti doping rules! which is key here. i don't know how any of this works, so i can't honestly say that it was okay to not suspend him, or to keep it a secret, or to clear him. genuinely, i don't know shit about this, and i'm not about to do a crash course on anti doping to form an opinion because frankly i don't think we all need to quickly and approximately research the subject of the latest news pertaining (or even not) our interests so we can say what's wrong and what's right. i will admit i don't know nearly enough about this particular thing so i can't and won't pretend to know what's the ultimate truth on the matter or what was the correct way to go about this

i'm not naive enough to think every statement jannik's team makes is for sure completely truthful. again, i don't know them. and i've been in this sports thing long enough to know you can love a player or athlete to the moon and back but that doesn't make them always right and surely doesn't make it impossible for them to make mistakes or be a shitty person. (i think many of us (re)learned this with andrey lately, right?)

so yeah, i'm not automatically defending him. i do think the fact they did all this in secrecy won't be good for his reputation, but then again, it coming out right after indian wells and hanging over his head for months wouldn't have been good either.

i also don't know anything about the itia as an organization so i can't say if they are trustworthy. i definitely don't trust the atp when it comes to their stupid investigations but you know, that's another thing.

emotionally, this has been affecting me and i can't lie and say it doesn't hurt to hear things being said against jannik, it does and i'm aware i can be too easily distressed by criticism or hatred/dislike against my favorite players. i haven't however been online much since it came out, just enough to see a bit of both sides but yeah, as i said, it's not good for me to get emotionally involved in these things. so i'm glad i'm only on tumblr and i will try to not think too much about this. also i'm not at the current moment going to stop being a fan of jannik

idk if any of this makes sense, i'm very tired, but that's it, basically

[followingthered]

i'm feeling manipulated and lied to by my girlfriend but i don't know how to end things...help?

Oh boy. I’m very sorry to hear this, friend. It’s never a good place to be. I will definitely give you my opinion on this, but please keep in mind that I am not a professional, and my opinion is not the end-all, be-all for you.

First of all, if you’re the praying type, I would heavily suggest praying. Heck, even if you don’t believe in God, why not say a prayer anyway? It can’t hurt. Praying allows God into your circumstances and might bring you peace as well as wisdom beyond what I could ever offer you.

Secondly, I would ask if you’ve communicated your concerns with your girlfriend. It seems, from your language, that you’ve accepted separation as inevitable, but for others who might read this, I would highly suggest communicating any concerns with your partner before allowing it to devolve into this point. It’s not fun, and many issues can be remedied by honest and open communication.

Of course you’ve indicated you believe she is being manipulative and dishonest, so communication then will fail. That’s the problem with relationships - if one side drops their commitments, the other will try to take 100% of the responsibility, but it just won’t work long-term. So now we move on to how to end things.

There are several considerations to address here: are you two living together? Have you been sexually intimate? Do you have any children or pets together? Are there financial obligations between you two? Let’s look at each part separately.

Are you two living together?

This is probably the single biggest argument against cohabitation with couples, because it complicates things so, so much if/when you separate. If you share the rent somewhere, it can be fiscally impossible to drop a relationship the healthy way. That being said, I do believe in abusive/manipulative circumstances, you should do your best to get out of the situation and away from this person. If that means moving in with your parents, a friend, a sibling, or couch surfing for a while, then so be it. I guarantee it’ll be safer and healthier to be away from this person. Don’t worry so much about them, but take care of yourself. 

Have you been sexually intimate?

Any form of intimacy is going to bring risk into a break-up, but sex tends to make that separation the hardest. Not only have you shared the most vulnerable part of yourself with this person, but you have bound your soul to theirs as well. This often leads people to second guess their concerns of a negative relationship, and is a primary argument against premarital sex. You need to accept the fact that this person may use what they know against you when you leave. But again, this is going to be the healthiest thing for you, to get away from them despite any threats to do so.

Do you have any children or pets together?

Obviously children take precedence in the hierarchy, but you need to approach the break-up in a different fashion here. If you two have a child together, I personally believe you both have an obligation to be a good parent. That doesn’t mean you can’t still leave this person - it just means you must discuss the raising of the child with your partner and come to an agreement on custody. The same idea goes for animals, though to a lesser degree. One of you could take the dog or cat and not need to share that relationship any further. Also, don’t mistake what I’m saying that you two need to be friends if you have a child - you simply need to be the best parents you can be apart from each other. 

Are there any financial obligations between you two?

This goes along with the cohabitation thing, but some couples develop a financial dependency one way or the other. Maybe your girlfriend pays your car payment or you pay for their phone on your plan. These accounts must be settled so as to fully separate from this person and not have any further financial ties. Money has a way of coming back and being mean to couples that split up, so avoid any financial ties once you take that step.

Okay, so now we get to what you probably wanted from me anyway, and that is bringing up the issue and actually leaving this person. And honestly, there’s no easy answer. It is my opinion that you should find a time to sit them down at a time both of you have nowhere to be or aren’t already stressed out, and tell them how you feel. Explain why you feel this way, and tell them you’re ready to leave. Do your best to not get emotional about it (as impossible as that sounds), but be as polite and respectful as possible. I advise you do it in a place where you can “escape” easily - if you have your own vehicle, this could virtually be done anywhere, but having somewhere to go is the best idea. 

Maybe tell some friends beforehand what you’re going to do so you have a safety net to fall back on. Having friends who support you in this is going to be of vital importance, and will really smooth the transition. Once you tell your girlfriend how you feel, give them a chance to speak. If she blasts off on you, then walk out. Let her calm down. This could take a few days to finalize the situation, and it’s going to hurt the whole time, but again, you’re going to be better off in the long run.

Once this is said and done, and you’ve physically gone elsewhere, resist the urge to text or call them for awhile. If you drink or smoke, turn off your phone so as to avoid possibly creating confrontation. Give both of you a week or two to calm down and if anything was left that needs to be discussed, you can re-engage the conversation at that time.

I know it’s probably not what you want to hear, but being firm and open and telling them in person is really the best way to go about this, I think. The only exception to this would be in the possibility of physical abuse - if you think your girlfriend could get violent, by all means tell them these things from afar over the phone. But please, please do not text. It’s a horrible medium for serious conversations like this. 

Honestly I’m not sure if this helps you at all, but I sincerely hope it does, and I am praying for you. Please let me know if you would like me to explain further on something, or you just want to talk about stuff. I’m always here for you!

Remember that you deserve honesty and a fulfilling relationship, and no matter the history, your life will be better without that negativity in it. You are strong. You can do this. You are loved. Fight for your joy, friend. You deserve it.