#and i did it without wrecking my mental health for once in my life | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

stilljuststardust · 14 days ago

Note

Hey Stardust. I wanted to share another success story and continue on what I said about my previous point about consistency. I have a brother who is a heavy drug addict.

He has been suffering mental health issues. Unfortunately - he is in prison now but I am not going to accept that. He has always had a hard life.

During a time where my brother was out and doing goddess knows what - he had gone silent for a long time. I decided to put my feet down and everyday I assumed he was going to rehab everyday.

Mind you - I had other problems going on - especially with my mom and step dad fighting and other things happening (getting my information stolen and nearly doxxed) and other things.

One day - my mom told me he was in rehab. I was happy. I just happy he was getting better. He did leave after some time - but this time he was getting slowly better but unfortunately due to my old beliefs - he started drinking again.

The moral of my story? As you said “be consistent” and “keep going.” Another story was simply changing my age and staying home from a place I didn’t want to go to. Both times - I was dealing with other problems - both times I continued everyday to assume my age changed and I was staying where I was at.

Both of them manifested quickly. The problems were not important - I was an emotional wreck during both of these times. I doubted and sometimes thought it would be better to give up.

But I didn’t. I continued to - everyday - assume that I have my desires. I continued to- even when my stress and anxiety was at the highest it has ever been - to return to the state mentally my brother was in rehab, staying home and changing my age.

Not going to lie - I am manifesting my list. And more problems are coming up again now. My list has everything I want. I know - that I have to keep going. Be consistent. Keep going like I have done during other times of great stress and anxiety.

I wanted to tell you this - because without your help or guidance - I wouldn’t have been able to do this. I hope you leave some of your own opinions about what I said! I’ve been dealing with a lot of stress, anxiety and sadness - but I know this is not the end.

All I have to do is keep being consistent and keep going. Also - one question - do you think affirming to “get” something is okay or would you suggest not to do this?

I'm glad he got the help he needed, even if it didn't last. you can always return to that state. You did it once you can do it again ❤️

As for the second part, its controversial so don't burn me at the stake if you disagree, this is just one way of looking at it.

I think it doesn't matter. If you are thinking from the state of already having it, it doesn't matter why you're doing it. You are thinking from the state.

I think that "affirming to remind" can be a great way to make thinking from the state feel more natural and therefore easier to sustain, but it's not the only way.

Most of the discourse comes down to believe or don't believe, and I just don't subscribe to that. I think what exists is what I decide.

I guess the divide is between belief as in thought or belief as in feeling. In my perspective, emotions are a chemical response in the body and our thoughts are the shapes we choose to take as a consciousness.

What is belief truly? I don't know that I believe in belief (haha). Its immaterial and arguably could be presented in different ways. I think belief is important if by belief you mean what you choose to think, but I don't think belief is important if you mean what you feel in your heart of hearts.

A lot of people try to "figure out" whether or not they're believing and end up in a constant cycle of trying to "fix" what they feel, which is usually a losing battle. It's easy to turn belief into something outside of yourself that you have to answer to, but you're in control.

I agree with Sammy Ingrams definition of a thought you keep thinking, but I understand how it can be more than that. Maybe it's not more who knows, as I said it's immaterial and in my opinion up for interpretation .I think it's a hard thing to define because it's the sort of surrender to a concept, just letting a statement be. Which is why I think robotic affirmation works, because you're just letting the words be. You've said it, you don't oppose it, that's surrender.

I just kinda say I believe it even if I don't, because what exists outside of my decision? Nothing, I create reality. Letting your affirmations be spoken without opposition (arguing with yourself) is what manifests, at least for me.

Either way, I don't believe that you have to feel it emotionally. My heart is irrational, and my emotions are often too big for me. Emotion is fickle and in constant flux.

If I based what state I thought I was in entirely off of my mood I would think I didn't have it because I feel like shit. I don't feel like shit because I don't have it, I feel like shit because I'm not drinking water and I'm writing this in a sitting position that is abusing my spine. SO much of emotion is in the body because it's evry chemical.

Also my brain is randomly on today but don't expect that to be consistent, another bout of insomnia is still a possibility.

In conclusion, just say the affirmations.

18 notes · View notes

stagkingswife · 1 year ago

Text

Around the holidays I had the unique joy of meeting up with @windvexer in person while they were visiting my beloved New York City. Over sushi, dessert, and then just hanging out in their hotel lobby we had a wide ranging conversation about our practices, UPGs, etc. The conversation eventually drifted to comparing our spirit lead initiations. Chicken’s story is theirs to share, or not, as they choose. But I’ve been thinking a lot since that conversation about my own initiation and how it parallels another important story in my life.

When I was 15 I was a dancer and I was good, like competing at a national level. I was cast as Odette in my ballet school’s adaptation of Swan Lake. I practiced, and rehearsed, and trained all year long for the role. Then a month before recital weekend my family and I went on a weekend trip to Gettysburg. I also love history, and my dad and I had just read a book about the battle of Gettysburg together, so we clambered all over the battlefield. I tore a calf muscle doing this. I saw my usual doctor for injuries and wore a cast for three weeks, walked through rehearsals, took it easy. Once the cast was off a week before the recital I ramped up slowly, warmed up more than usual, stretched carefully, everything. But come recital weekend I danced my heart out and left everything on the stage. 3 weeks later I was diagnosed with CRPS in the leg I had injured. What does any of this have to do with my initiation? Everything, just bare with me.

My childhood mentor had been initiated by the spirits of her tradition, and she had spoken to me about the effect this had had on her. I had written an academic paper on initiatory spiritual traditions and the phenomena of initiation sickness. I knew, long before Oisin ever broached the topic with me, that a spirit lead initiation could wreck your life, that it would be trying in ways that were specifically designed to change you on a fundamental to suit the spirit's needs, and that undertaking one would have consequences I couldn’t even begin to image. I also knew that dancing Swan Lake one week out of a cast could have disastrous results for my dance career. But I loved the music and choreography. I loved how I felt while I was dancing. So I danced. I was already in love with Oisin when he presented me with this trial. I loved learning from him, and working with him, and if there was something hard, even something impossible, that he needed me to do so that I could keep learning and working with him - it was no question.

I had no way of knowing when I was teenager waiting in the wings in my white leotard and feathered wig that I was about to dance my last ballet. That in less than a year I would start using a cane, or that I would one day swap the cane for a wheelchair, or any of the changes and accommodations that I’ve had to make in my life for my disability. I only knew the love. When I said yes to Oisin I couldn’t have predicted how much it would break me when he killed my soul, dismembered it, and scattered the innumerable shreds across the Otherworlds. I could have imagined the amazing and terrifying things I saw and experienced on my journey to find those fragments and assemble myself - or what it was like to live without a complete soul in the meantime. And nothing could have prepared me for the permanent changes the whole process had wrought on my life: on my physical health, my mental health, the very fact that my spiritual oaths and promises must always come first for me. I only knew the love.

17 years after my diagnosis, and 13 after my initiation started, I look back at the choices that led to both and would make them both again, even knowing the consequences. These two choices, more than almost anything else in my life, have shaped who I am as an adult and I like that person. These choices came from the right place, both times. Not from ambition, greed, guilt, or fear, but love. And I can’t ever regret what I did for love.

#witchcraft #pagan #the returning #spirit work #initiation #spirit lead initiation

49 notes · View notes

renaithri · 1 month ago

Text

TW: vent, suicidal ideation, internalized ableism

long post and word vomit

my sister and mom were having a screaming fest as they tend to do sometimes and eventually I got sick of tuning it out with youtube so I listened just in time to realize the reason for all the extra tension is bc of my mom being stressed abt my current mental issues and my sister feeling like her mental issues are being ignored

and its just like Oh. Okay. Once again I’m the problem. This is doing a lot to help my mental health when one of the biggest reasons I feel shitty is because I feel like nothing but a burden on my amazing family who only ever causes them problems and stresses them out with my stupid bullshit and stupid brain and stupid getting hospitalized and needing so much more help than literally anyone else in my incredibly lucky and privileged position would need bc i just cant find it in me to function right in a world i seemingly just wasn’t made right for

and i cant even fucking tell them abt it bc i know what they’re like and they’ll feel awful and probably blame each other (out loud or silently) and argue more and it’ll once again be because of me but this time even more so my fault. so I’m just stuck

And I’ll think to myself “maybe it would’ve been better if i did kill myself” but i can’t even really mean that bc I have so many people who love and care about me and would be absolutely wrecked if I did that so like what the fuck can i do here when nothing could’ve even helped me not be like this.

and like logically I’m aware I’m mentally ill and disordered. I know you can’t “perfect life” away genetic depression and adhd. but plenty of people have that and are perfectly fucking functional or at least don’t get fucking hospitalized twice over just Normal Life Stuff like I did.

and nothing will ever feel like a good enough excuse to me. I’m constantly wishing I had xyz disorder or that xyz trauma happened to me to excuse why I’m just so incapable and weak but nothing will ever be enough or validate the fact I just can’t handle life the way everyone else seems to be able to.

even now being pretty sure I have autism made me feel validated for about two days and now I’m right back where I was. No amount of diagnoses will ever validate or change the fact that my brain is just wrong, I was born broken and I’ll always be broken and there was nothing anyone could do to prevent it. I was just made wrong and I can’t even do anything about it without ruining everyone who cares about me. I don’t think I was meant to be born

#advice welcome but not expected #and to think I was feeling so fucking good today

0 notes

obaewankenope · 3 years ago

Text

I remember in college (16-18yrs old) my ancient history professor put my name in for the AQA Extended Project Qualification without asking me and told me about it afterwards. I was 17, clearly Gifted from the outset, and she pegged me as the student in her class who'd do the work for it because she Expected It Of Me.

The thing is, she didn't mean any of it cruelly or meanly. She genuinely thought it was a good thing, that I'd enjoy it, and that it would be a good challenge for me when I was clearly more than capable of completing the coursework and classwork she set with ease.

And she wasn't wrong. But she didn't ask me and I ended up having to spend several months working on this thing around existing classes, home life being a mess, my own mental health being a wreck, and not one teacher realised I had any problems at all.

I had to fill out a journal regularly of Community Work I did like packing bags and stuff to show "community mindset", research my chosen subject, create draft proposals for it, speak to tutors outside of class time to hash it out, attend extra classes on civics and stuff for the qualification and so much more it was unreal.

I had to write a 5k paper on my subject topic, deliver a presentation, proposal, display board for the examiners to look at and ask me questions about which I had to answer and not feck up at the time.

As well as keep my grades up.

And the worst thing. Thee worst thing. It was easy.

It was easy because I could focus on that rather than my mental health, than my home life, than my relationship issues, than all those other things I should have been working on but didn't have the time because I didn't want to disappoint my tutor who signed me up for this whole thing without asking me because she believed in me.

And I aced the thing. I genuinely did.

I aced my classes, except sciences because well something had to give and definitions of things were what I kicked out of my head at the time (I no longer can tell you how to calculate speed and velocity correctly rip).

I was the gifted kid from childhood who was compared to her struggling brother with his adhd and his learning difficulties and behavioural problems, who was well behaved and polite and smart and not a problem in the classroom ever (except when I chose to be).

And that bullshit dragged with me into university where, honestly, I burned myself up. I established a routine sure, but the first week of uni I had a full on emotional breakdown bc I locked myself out of my room and my drunk flatmates all consoled me because everything, and I mean everything, just came down on me at that moment.

I picked myself back up, went to classes and passed everything. Even stats. Though not really because honestly I just didn't get what the tutor was saying and she didn't explain once.

(And I felt so ashamed of that stats class result, it was hilarious. Especially when I had to redo it in the summer which was just horrid for this Gifted Kid to suddenly be struggling).

I have two degrees, an undergraduates and a masters, I have 5 a-levels and 2 as levels. I have all the gcses my school offered that I took and didn't fail any of them.

I am smart. But I struggled so much in university. Not for taking notes, I used my laptop and relied on the tutors power points to add info to, but with everything else because I hadn't been given support where I needed it.

I am superficial and charming on the surface because I have spent a lifetime masking all my problems and troubles and being the good student who doesn't cause trouble even when they want to just get up and scream. The depths of me are seen more online than in person because y'all don't expect me to be charming and to smile and to express social cues I had to consciously learn on my own because not one adult thought I needed help there.

This is the curse of being a gifted kid.

Especially one who gets diagnosed at 28 with adhd who could have done so much more at 22 on adhd medication because things would have been easier. Help would have been available.

Because when you're just Autistic. When you have Aspergers. When you're High Functioning. You're just Smart And Awkward and written off as fine.

I suffered so much for no reason other than a flawed system that overworks its employees, doesn't fund the things it should fund enough, and leaves kids like me, who show accelerated growth in quantifiable areas of statistical measurement but who need help with other areas, to suffer alone.

There's a reason so many Gifted kids end up diagnosed as neurodivergent. It's because we're smart in one way that means everything else about us is ignored.

The Problem Kids I saw in high school (11-16) were some of the smartest kids I've ever met. But because they struggled with maths, with spelling, with reading, and other things, they got ignored, or babied, or told off when they got bored and grew tired of being ignored and not praised like the Gifted Kids at least got.

One of those kids, Tom, he genuinely was so smart. He wrote a whole ass English paper the day before it was due and he got an amazing mark because he had actually listened to me explaining stuff next to him in class, even when he fucked around throwing erasers about, or doodling, and I went through things in a way he understood because that helped me too.

Like.

He's Gifted. He's smart. But he got called a Problem Kid because of disruptive behaviour. Because he drew attention to himself, good or bad, because he didn't want to be ignored and because the subject didn't Interest Him.

I learned a lot in school because I loved learning. That's why I did well. I loved to just soak up knowledge. I still do. The fact that the knowledge I enjoyed learning was information relevant to standardised tests is the only, The Only, reason I got labelled as Gifted and not Problem or Ignorant.

My mother is smart. She loves horses. She Loves To Learn About Horses. Always has. School for her was a story of Not Trying, Not Paying Attention, Not Able To Understand. Because it didn't Interest her. It didn't engage.

But she's Gifted too.

She's forgotten more about horses than I'll ever know. And I know a lot.

Intelligence isn't just MENSA tests and pattern recognition and that bs used to evaluate how smart someone is in a psychological assessment.

Intelligence, true intelligence, is being able to share what you know with others in a way they can understand. That's true intelligence.

And I know a lot of Gifted Kids, Problem Kids, Ignorant Kids, Daydreamers, and Drop-Outs who are intelligent because of that fact alone.

So fuck the lack of support for gifted kids and other kids. Fuck the idea that kids can be categorised as smart and not smart. Fuck the mentality that if you're not good at your countries language and maths that you're "stupid". Fuck it all.

We're all fucking geniuses and I won't have anyone tell y'all different.

And we support each other as a result. Got that.

#Kat talks #Intelligence #Gifted kid syndrome #Problem Kids #Adhd #Neurodiversity #Disability #Ableism #Disableism #Education #School #I have feelings about this and very little filter rn apparently #Blame it on the 2nd vaccine lmao

544 notes · View notes

thatesqcrush · 4 years ago

Text

The Auction, Pt. 2

Bryan Kneef x Reader. CW: discussion of sex work, "being bidded on/purchased" touching of reader - but its consensual, vaginal fingering, language. WC: 2K.

You met with the brains of the organization for a long time. Her name was Cordelia and according to her, you were “a perfect candidate” as she eyed you up and down.

“How does this work? Is this safe? ” You asked, crossing your arms and narrowing your eyes. “How much of a cut do I get? And don't bullshit me.”

“Ah, I’ve always appreciated a woman who gets down to brass tacks.” Cordelia replied. “The cut is 50/50, off the books. We’ll screen your sexual health, of course. While those results are pending, we’ll vet you - make sure you’re of sanity and have no criminal background. This is all done behind closed doors - no one in your immediate life would be the wiser. If that’s all clear, we will arrange the date for the auction. In the meantime, we like to invest in our ladies once they’re cleared - meaning we’ll make arrangements for hair, makeup, clothes, and the like.”

You swallowed hard. “I can assure you, I’m clean. I haven’t had many partners prior.”

Cordelia nodded. “Well, then we have nothing to worry about.”

Your test results came and you received a clean bill of health. The next step was to be primped and polished. Naturally you were middle of the road - some days you could be really girly and other days, not. You weren’t tethered to any one style. But it had been awhile since you were ever able to relax, so when you were sent to a spa for a day of treatment, you jumped at the chance.

After, it was onto shopping.

You felt like Vivian from Pretty Woman as salespersons brought you dress after dress while you got your hair and makeup done. The request from Cordelia was ‘sexy, not slutty.’

You settled on a red hot mini dress with a v-neckline and center ruching for added dimension. Finishing the look was a pair of simple heels that showed off your toned gams and a pair of jeweled hoop earrings. You hardly recognized yourself in your reflection in the floor to ceiling mirror in the store. ‘This is one night; you’re playing a role.’ You told yourself. You figured if you repeated it enough times, you’d believe it.

An unmarked car came to collect you once you were done, driving you straight to the location where the auction was taking place.

You knew there would be other women there from Bonnie. What you didn’t realize was that you’d be going very last. Your nerves were starting to fry and your stomach was twisted in knots. You sipped water through a straw so as to not ruin your lipstick. Finally, there was a rap on the door and Cordelia poked her head in.

“Darling, it’s your time to shine. Now go earn your worth.”

You could hear raucous laughter, cheering and applause from behind where you stood. The music pounded and you could feel it in your bones.

Finally, the door opened - it was pitch black on the other side, save a spotlight. You said a quick prayer, even though you weren’t very religious as you stepped into the light.

Once there, the light adjusted to a more dim version and you were able to focus your vision on the crowd before you. Music played quietly in the background before a woman began to speak - someone who sounded very much like Cordelia.

What she says next and what is said after, is all blur. Bids begin to roll in and it’s in that moment you realized you were nothing more than a hooker, using your body as a means to an end. Humiliation flowed through you - you didn’t feel like you - you didn’t feel as good as you thought. Instead your worth was measured in bank rolls.

You scanned the room, men of all shapes, sizes, colors and creeds were there, waving their black AmEx cards like they were charging a steak dinner. And that’s how you felt - you were a lamb being slaughtered.

The gavel banged and you heard Cordelia exclaim, “Sold! To Mr. Bryan Kneef for two-hundred and fifty thousand dollars.”

You whipped your head at Cordelia. Had you heard her correctly? Two-hundred and fifty thousand dollars? The fact that you got to keep half made your head spin.

“And that concludes tonight’s auction. Winners may come to collect their prizes in the back.”

Cordelia wrapped her arm around your waist and began to whisk you away when you heard someone thank ‘Mr. Kneef for his payment.’ You turned to see who he was and in the dimmed light you saw it was ‘Mr. Mysterious.’

And you damn near passed out.

You sat in the room you were originally in. There was one security camera in place and Cordelia advised that winners liked to meet first before any further advances were to come.

Your leg bounced as you drank your water again. You felt as if you were there for hours but realistically it was mere moments.

The door opened and Mr. Mysteri—Kneef walked in. You smiled nervously at him and extended your arm. “Hi. Bryan, right?”

Bryan didn’t reply. Instead he gave you an intense, smoldering look. His cologne wafted over you, warm and woodsy causing your skin to goosebump.

You brought your arm back and clutched your hands behind your back. Bryan took another step towards you, as if he were trying to get a closer look at his purchase.

“Take off your clothes.” Bryan requested quietly. You opened your mouth to say something but the look in response along with a perfectly arched brow caused you to snap your mouth shut. “I want to see what I bought.”

You reached around, undoing the zipper - thankful it was along the side and not along your back.

You slid the dress off, strap by strap. You hadn’t worn a bra - just a nude thong which wasn’t even fancy - simple and basic, meant more for avoiding lines than anything else. The dress pooled at your feet and you stepped out of it. You moved to kick off your heels when Bryan interrupted you.

“Leave them on.”

You nodded and stood up, anxiously awaiting the next move.

Bryan removed his jacket and folded it neatly, hanging it over a chair. He began to roll up the sleeves of his dress shirt, showing off his muscular forearms with thick, meaty veins.

You looked up and saw the small security camera and realized this private show wasn’t so private. The sound of a finger snap brought you back to the present and you whipped your head towards Bryan. Your heart began to race and you wondered if you should just bolt. You tried to mentally measure the distance between you and the door.

Bryan approached you. His gaze softened, as if he were sorry for what he was about to say. “I’m going to touch you now. At any point if you want me to stop, I will. Consent is very important to me.”

“It is to me too.” You replied, meeting his gaze. After a beat, you continued. “You can touch me.”

His warm touch began rather innocently, along your arm up to along your shoulder. As he walked around you, he kept touching and feeling. His hand got to your ass and he let out a deep rumble as he squeezed the fat of your flesh.

Bryan walked around you. When he came around to the front of you, he cupped one breast with his hand, feeling the weight against his palm. You did your best to remain stoic, ignoring the bolt of pleasure that had shot down to your core. That changed when he firmly twisted your nipple, as you let out a moan as he did so. That earned another arched brow from him, as if taking mental notes.

He rounded you again, and you felt him close the small gap that remained. You felt his cock, hard, pressed against the small of your back. His fingers gently traced your arm and then brought it up, so it was around his neck. He ran his hand back down along your side, and you trembled under his touch. You were certain your heart was beating outside of your chest. When he got to the side of your ribs, he splayed out his hand, so his palm was against you. Slowly, his hand made way down to the apex of your legs.

“Open.” He rumbled in your ear quietly and you followed his instructions. Your breath hitched as his hand cupped your mound. Bryan’s fingers then moved to stroke you softly, teasing your clit and then moving back to stroke your folds. Your pussy grew wet, your breath became more labored as he continued his ministrations. You bit your bottom lip as he slowly but surely worked you to orgasm. Just when you thought you weren’t going to be able to take anymore, Bryan sunk a thick finger inside your soaked pussy. Your pussy clenched around his finger tightly and you let out a wrecked moan in response.

“You’re so wet and we haven’t even started.” Bryan murmured. His beard against your cheek added another layer of sensation. There was no resistance when Bryan sunk another thick finger and began to pump them in and out of you. The sound of wet filled the room and your legs felt wobbly as you gripped around Bryan’s neck harder. Your other hand found his free hand and you brought it up to your breast, encouraging him.

“I’m so close.” You panted. “Oh fuck!”

“Come for me like a good girl.” Bryan growled as he rubbed your clit with the fat pad of his thumb. He used his other hand to pinch your nipple again and you arched against him, coming so hard that you drew his fingers further in.

“That’s it, that’s it.” Bryan praised. “Oh sweetheart we’re going to have so much fun.” He slid his fingers out of you and you whimpered at the loss.

Bryan spun you around to face him. You were a mess as you watched him admire his wet fingers in the light. Bryan brought them to you and you took his fingers into your mouth, cleaning them of your juices and then imitating as to what you could do with your mouth.

Bryan gave you a salacious smile as he withdrew his fingers. He traced them along your cheek, leaving a wet trail to your mouth where he rubbed your bottom lip.

“I definitely got my money’s worth with you.” Bryan replied. “Go home, get some sleep. I’ll have arrangements made so we can have even more fun.”

You watched as he walked away, grabbing his suit jacket and exiting without so much as a second glance. You stayed frozen in place for another five minutes or so, until you realized you could redress and go home.

The car ride home left you with more questions than answers and more horny than ever. Your battery operated boyfriend ran through its battery as you replayed the evening over and over as you were too wired to sleep from the earlier events.

Eventually you did, with Bryan’s name still on your lips.

TBC.

Tags: @mgarner1227 @madpanda75 @tropes-and-tales @beccabarba @dreamlover31 @dreamlover31 @prurientpuddlejumper @sass-and-suspenders @youreverycolor @neely1177 @witches-unruly-heart @mrsrafaelbarba @skittle479 @greeneyedblondie44 @mommakat32 @teamsladsandgents @detective-giggles @garturbo @zoeykaytesmom @ottosuricato @zoeykaytesmom @bananas-pajamas @law-nerd105

@storiesofsvu @pieceofshittytitty @i-justreally-like-cats-okay @whatisthislife28 @jazzyjoi @rampantmuses @rachelxwayne @qvid-pro-qvo @madamsnape921 @averyhotchner @alwaysachorusgirl @amelia-song-pond @tintinxtintin @wanniiieeee @blueberryt @crowfootwrites @emandems10 @berniesilvas @whoamelinda @its-just-me-chey @resparza @chunex @chasingeverybreakingwave @itsjustmyfantasyroom @bisexual-dreamer02

#bryan kneef imagine #bryan kneef smut #bryan kneef x reader #bryan kneef and reader #bryan kneef and you #bryan kneef x you #bryan kneef fanfic

86 notes · View notes

bullyhunter--69 · 4 years ago

Text

"She's so sweet, really."

Pairing: Izuku x fem!reader

Summary: When you and Izuku started dating, you were as happy as could be. He was beyond sweet and caring, and helped you forget about the bad in your life. But after he introduces you to his mother, Inko, and you start to be a more frequent visitor at the Midoriya household, you realize it's starting to take a bigger affect on you than you thought it would. Why can't your mother be like that?

Tw: mentions of family issues/absent family/family death, bottling up emotions and eventually breaking, a stressed Izuku, ends with soft fluff

A/N: This turned out so much longer and more angsty than planned but I'm really proud of it, tell me what you guys think! 🖤 (This is also my first ever angst written so--)

-----------------------------------------------------------

Today was a beautiful fall day. Colorful leaves fell around you, the sky was tinged with a deep orange, and the soft grass beneath you made your time all the more comfy. You were snuggled next to Izuku beneath a huge tree on campus, who was currently going on and on about his latest quirk findings. The goal you guys originally had set was to review for the upcoming test, but the topic quickly shifted to Izukus day once your fingers intertwined with his and you inquired about it.

"-and so then once I asked Mr. Aizawa about it I found that- Hey.. are you okay (Y/N)?" You really were listening, but had found that you zoned out. Izukus concerned, soft voice brought you back to reality, and a small smile crawled it's way onto your features. "Yeah 'zuku, I'm all good.. I just was thinking about some stuff and was focusing on your voice. It always helps." You ended your reply with a squeeze of his hand, which all together resulted in his face blooming into a shade of deep red.

"Well, uh.. T-thank you, I'm happy to help!" He stuttered out as he felt butterflies all throughout his body. "Oh, also!" Izuku started, turning his body to face you more, holding your hands in his lap with a nervous look in his eyes. "(Y/N), I was wondering.. we've been together for a bit now and I.. I want my mom to meet you."

As soon as the word 'mom' reached your ears, you tensed up. It was always a sensitive topic, even if it wasn't your parental relationships in question. You knew Izuku had noticed, as the hold on your hands got tighter. "I understand if you're scared or nervous but I know She's gonna love you! She already says you're really pretty and smart just basing off what I've shown her.. she really is looking forward to it, and we don't have to stay long if you don't want to." The gentle rub of his thumb on the back of your hand and the puppy dog eyes was enough to soothe your nerves. If Izuku talked so highly of you to her, and if she was anything like him at all, you figured it wouldn't be that bad to meet her. She would be your mother-in-law someday, so you might as well get it out of the way now and not later.

When the day finally came, you were beyond nervous. The thought of meeting Izuku's mother and her not liking you made a wave of sickness and dread fill every inch of your body. Whether it was a friend, or a boyfriend, meeting mothers always gave you a bad taste in your mouth. It brought back all the feelings that you tried desperately to hide away and fight daily.

See, you were almost fully open with Izuku, but there was one thing he didn't know. Your family, to put it bluntly, was shit. Your mother always belittled you for every single little action you ever made and everything about you. Nothing was ever good enough. As a small child, it was always under-the-table, backhanded compliments with passive aggressive undertones, but after the passing of your father, it turned into raw, brutal words. She was never proud, and never actually loved you, she just used your desire to be a good daughter against you. It was cold, hard, manipulative behavior which resulted in you finally refusing to talk to her after you got accepted into U.A. The mental gymnastics you had to go through to hide all of this, especially from Izuku, was taking a toll on you. You never talked of family and never left the dorms, and had an.. unusual amount of luggage stored away in your room. It seemed like you packed your entire life up in a suitcase and ran.

Which is essentially what you did.

As bad as it sounds, you never planned on telling your love any of this. You just needed to forget all of the childhood trauma you were put through and focus on showing your mother she was wrong. Everything she said about your quirk being useless, to you being intolerable and a bad daughter, would be proved wrong. But, the biggest thing you planned to show her? Is that your father would be proud. She always used him against you, and you'd be damned if you wouldn't prove that point the most ridiculous of them all.

A soft knocking on your dorm brought you out of your deep thoughts, and your gaze slid to the door. Your hands shot to your face and you quickly dried your tears. "O-one second, I'm still changing!" You knew in the pit of your gut that it was Izuku coming to pick you up, and your thoughts were confirmed when you heard him on the other side of your locked door. "Alrighty baby, take your time!" God, he sounded so sweet.. this was hell keeping from him, but it kept him from worrying.

The night went on so much better than expected, and it genuinely surprised you. You had never met a woman as sweet as Inko was. She cooked your favorite food and had your favorite drinks, and even baked you your favorite dessert. She asked about how you were doing in school and once the topic of your quirk was brought up, she was beyond ecstatic to hear you talk about it. She even added on how she felt it would be useful in battle. The night was amazing. Nothing felt real, it all was like the fantasies you made up while lying in bed at 4am sobbing, so sleep deprived you almost can't move to get ready for your class that starts in just a few hours. It's what you've always wanted in a mom-- a beautiful, sweet woman who cares.

Why can't your mother be like that?

As the weeks went on and Izuku kept inviting you over for weekly dinner and game nights with him and Inko, you found it harder and harder to conceal exactly how much your mental health was struggling. Yes, you absolutely adored both your loving boyfriend and his equally loving mother, but it was just so fucking.. hard. Every smile she gave you, the loving, motherly twinkle in her eyes when she talked to Izuku, the amazing dinners, the endless support for both of you, the pictures she insisted on taking of you and Izuku-- it was all too much. You started to dwell on this every single night, and resent yourself for how much anger and jealousy you felt. This wasn't right, but you couldn't help it. It wasn't your fault that your mother hated you for every fiber of your being and Izuku had the best mother imaginable. He was your boyfriend, you should be happy.. right?

You didn't realize how hard you had been sobbing until there was a hushed yet firm knock on your dorm door. The tears that blurred your vision made it even harder to read the clock on your nightstand through the pitch black room you sat in, huddle up in a pile of blankets, All Might plushies and Izuku's hoodies.

9:54 p.m.

The pain that was radiating through your torso from the wreck you had become from however long you had actually been crying was torture. It felt like needles were being shoved into your lungs and your heart was being squeezed in a vice grip. Breathing felt impossible. Your throat was raw. But the thing that hurt the absolute worst, out of everything?

"(Y/N)? Baby, please let me in.." Little Izuku's voice sounded like the biggest bomb going off, the jiggle of your door knob making emergency alarms go off in your head. There wasn't any possible way to get out of this, and this might just be your biggest fear. Facing those soft emerald eyes and that sweet smile that has been open and honest with you over the entirety of your entire relationship, and even before. Telling the love of your life all the trauma you've endured, and then willingly decided to hide from him. No.. it's the disappointment that you're positive will shine through his features that's truly your biggest fear.

You don't know how long he had been listening, but one second was more than enough for you to know Izuku wasn't going to leave. He loved you endlessly and never left without making sure you had a smile on your face. So, with limbs that felt like cement, eyes that felt as if you were crying spikes, and an aching heart, you got up and made your way to unlock the door. It took a minute-- your hold on the cold knob firm and extremely hesitant.

3... 2.. 1.

Finally, Izuku had enough room to gently push your door open, and his breath was taken away when he saw you as the golden light from the dormitory hallway illuminated your entirely wrecked appearance.

Bloodshot eyes, make up filled tears streaming down both checks, snot dripping down to you mouth. The cuffs of his hoodie that covered your shaking body were soaked in black, wet mascara. Your hair was messy and tangled. You were.. broken.

After taking in every little detail of your appearance, a struggled gasp last your body when his arms were suddenly around you. The touch of his warmth around you was electrifying, and instantly brought you to your knees. As Izuku shut and locked the door behind him, still holding you in his strong arms, he sighed softly. "What's wrong?"

These are some of the only words that you really didn't want to come out of his mouth. They stung and tore through your heart like the sharpest of blades. They made you regret not opening up sooner, his tone overflowing with worry, fear, and dread. You knew not to make eye contact, but you couldn't even if you wanted to. Once those words entered your ears, soft and delicate as if you would shatter into a million pieces if he spoke too hard, another strangled sob was unleashed out of what felt to be your core.

"S-she's just so sweet.." Your voice, although strained and crackling, came out with an emotion Izuku had never heard from you before. A mixture of jealousy, rage, disappointment, and disgust is all he could pick out, but it sounded like something was hidden beneath it all. Something that you didn't know how to express, so emotions just came seeping out of you in the easiest way.

Picking you up was an easy task, as your body had long ago given up the fight to stay standing. The sweet boy made his way to your bed and sat with you cradled to his chest, your nose tucking away in the crook of his neck instantly to breath in his scent. It calmed you-- he calmed you, but you couldn't help but to shamefully pull your head away and look across the room.

"(Y/N), you have to tell me more. Who is 'she'? I want to help you.." His voice still held a delicate tone, his fingers combing through your hair with one hand and the other still holding you tightly. After what seemed like forever of Izuku just holding you and letting you cry every single ounce of emotion you held in your body out, your sobs slowly came to a stop and you took a soft, shaking sigh.

It was time to come clean.

"'Z-zuku, I'm sorry.." You started, slowly and steadily while trying to steady your breath further. The gentle back rubs from his warm hands helped sooth you, and gave you the strength to continue.

"I haven't been exactly.. truthful with you." As you took a second to find your words and sniffle, you could sense Izuku tilt his head to the side curiously. "You always ask if I'm okay-- if I'm happy-- and I always say that I am. I love you so incredibly much and you do make me feel happy and safe and welcomed and-" Your ramble was cut off with a kiss to your temple, which was a silent signal of Izukus trust and time.

"Because of how incredibly happy you make me, I dont want you thinking that this is your fault at all. Its mine.. I shut you out and bottled myself up when I should have just told you in the first place. I just.. don't know how to say it other than to say it outright."

Your shakey tone made Izukus heart race even more. He was staying calm and supportive on the outside but on the inside, he was a wreck. He was currently going over every single one of his actions, words, and notes that made what you and him were-- absolutely scraping the bottom of the barrel for anything and everything he could have done wrong. That stuff, though, was shoved deep so he could help you, because that was what was important right now.

"I don't.. Izuku, I love you and I love your mother so incredibly much. I feel at home with you guys but it's just so hard. Seeing how sweet and caring she is, how She's invested in both of our lives, how she.. s-she said she loved me.." You body was quickly starting to shake again, so Izuku pulled you in closer. "Why can't my mother be like that?"

There it was. It finally clicked in Izuku's mind. Everytime you avoided the topic of family, how you never had pictures with them, how you never had a place to go to during break, how every day after spending time with him and Inko you seemed drained the next morning as if you had stayed up all night.. it clicked as to what might be wrong, and his suspicions were confirmed when you continued.

"M-my mother hates me and she has my entire life. I have never received an ounce of love or respect from that filthy woman and it's always on my mind. Her degradation and her mocking laugh and her hideous presence. She used my dead fucking dad against me to make me feel like I'd never make it in this world and I just-- I-I want to escape the horrible memories but I can't. I just want a mother like yours.. it's what I've always wanted and I don't understand why I had to be the one stuck with a dead dad and a mockery of a mother. Seeing how absolutely amazing your mom is fills me with love and happiness and a sense of home I've never gotten before but at the end of the day, it just reminds me of how shitty my life was up until I got to U.A. I don't have a mom. I don't have a home. And its not fair that I'm upset over the fact that you having those things happens to remind me of that. I'm sorry."

Izuku was speechless. His comforting ministrations had stopped and he just looked at you. Even with the pitch black void that was your room, his emerald eyes shined bright.. and brimmed with tears.

"I.. I had no idea, baby, I'm so sorry.." Izuku was choosing his words incredibly carefully. He held nothing against you, nor was he upset or disappointed at you. He was a person that could put himself in someone else's shoes very easily and see through their eyes, and your emotional monologue was enough to paint your story for him. He just wanted to comfort you and show you everything was okay.

"I don't want you to be sorry, there isn't any need for you to be. You can't help what your mother put you through, and how horribly unfair to you that it was. Nobody can control how others actions affect them-- it's just how humans are.." Strong arms turned your body to face him, your limbs wrapped around his torso and your cheeks gently held in his hands. As tears streamed down his cheeks, he stared deep into your eyes. "You're so strong and beautiful, and I understand as much as I can. I love you so much.. Baby, to hell with her. I know it's hard, but she doesn't have to mean anything to you anymore. Me and you, and mom, can be our own family. We're your home now.."

A sob managed to choke it's way out of your throat, but this one was different. Your head fell into Izukus neck and you held him as tight as you possibly could, soaking his chest with more snot and tears. His arms held you back just as tightly as he peppered soft butterfly kisses along your hairline. This is how you stayed for the rest of the night until you calmed down and passed out on his firm build. Laying back softly, Izuku tucked you both in and kept his tight hold on you.

"Goodnight, love.. You're home."

#bnha scenarios #bnha smut #bnha x reader #bnha fluff #bnha angst #izuku midoriya #izuku x reader #bnha izuku #izuku #izuku smut #my hero headcanons #my hero academia #my hero imagines

358 notes · View notes

hangekitty · 4 years ago

Note

I love that Er*n is in your no no rules- lmao.

Also may i request some soft Miche headcanons where he's comforting a female reader please? I've been very stressed from life recently and would really appreciate a bit of love and comfort from my fav character, smut is optional although i am above 18. Thank you so much in advance💛

Oh my gosh my first request thank you! And what a lovely way to start things out, I hope this brings comfort to you as I know how hard things are in life right now! And yes, we don’t accept Er*n in this house no thank you ~ 🌸

Did I listen to Bubble Gum by Clairo on loop because of the vibes? Maybe. Did I get upset writing this because I am touch starved? Also maybe 😌

Miche comforting his S/O after a bad day

Genre: fluff, NSFW 18+

Warnings: mentions of having a bad day, mental health, smut, swearing

Universe: canonverse

NSFW below the ‘read more’

SFW

Although Miche is a man of few words, he definitely knows how to show you how much he cares.

This man is a master of being able to sense whenever you’ve had a bad day, you wouldn’t even need to tell him; I suppose its because of his immaculate sense of smell, or that he takes good care to be finely in tune with your emotions.

Most of your worries and stresses stem from expeditions, having to fight off titans and watching your comrades fall certainly took a toll on your mental health; this at least was a stress you could share with Miche.

Miche’s love language is touch, so although he isn’t much of a talker, he would still want you to know that he is there for you all the same. This may look like hugs from behind, forehead kisses and holding you close to him whenever he can.

If you’re both standing, he will most definitely be the kind of guy to cuddle you and gently rock you - not quite a dance, but something that helps calm you down.

There is 110% chance that if he starts rocking you, he will rest his head on yours and hum a tune to you

Will ask Levi for your favourite kind of tea, another love language of his is acts of service. So bringing you tea, tidying your room or even cleaning your clothes without asking is a way of him showing how much he cares about you; the last thing you want to do is chores so he would run you a bath (if baths are available) and he would do the smaller things that would usually be too much effort.

Just because he is very quiet, doesn’t mean he won’t talk to you. He is more of a listener, but if you need words of affirmation or advice Miche is on it and usually says the right things. All this time of him being quiet, he has every opportunity of thinking up something to say.

Are you prone to nightmares? Miche has your back. Quite literally, he will roll over and hold you close to him. He is definitely the big spoon and will make sure to make you feel as safe and comfortable as possible.

In public, if Miche notices you tensing or begin to fluster out of stress or anger, he will hold your hand. He isn’t much for PDA, however he will push himself in situations where you need him. He would often take you out of a situation or to another room and hold your hands close to his chest, rubbing your hands with his thumbs and looking in your eyes.

Bedtime is the best time for cuddles, here he will give you the maximum affection of kisses, hugs and tickling sessions.

He will stroke your hair until you fall asleep, even if he is in an uncomfortable position, once he knows you are asleep he won’t budge.

Miche has a habit of holding you close to him when you are stressed and smelling your hair or rubbing his stubble on your exposed neck. You can’t help but giggle, even when sometimes you wanna be angry, this man never fails to make you smile.

If you suffer with panic attacks, Miche knows exactly what to do to help you. Whether grounding helps, giving you space or words of affirmations this man has it together and will do whatever he can to help. At first he might of been a nervous wreck, anxious to make sure he gets it right, but as you trust him, you tell him how he can help in that situation and Miche learns it and etches it into his brain.

“There’s my girl”

Bunny kisses! Lots of bunny kisses!

Random modern day AU head canon: this dude would turn on his LED lights and put on soft LoFi tunes on to calm you down!

NSFW

Sometimes when you are stressed, you require other means of ‘letting go’

Miche knows exactly what to do, but will wait for your social queues to make the first move

It’ll start off as giving you massages, touching you in all of your sensitive, aching areas.

You will most likely make some remarks that are passive aggressive (and suggestive) which makes Miche kinda /ZING/

He is the kind of guy who would come up behind you and lift your breasts up and claim “these are heavy, let me help you carry them” or some shit, even though you are clearly frustrated, this usually earns an annoyed giggle or two.

He will let you take control, if you have a particularly stressful day and all you want to do is have angry sex, he will let you take the reins or call all the shots. Honestly, any other time he would let you take control anyway, seeing you be so passionate is a real turn on; but given such a stressful day its sort of expected - unless you just want him to fuck you silly, he will happily oblige.

I don’t care what anyone else says but this man is canon a master of oral. With a nose like that, you could not convince me he wouldn’t use it to his full advantage okay??

He is more a giver than a receiver, so Miche would be in his personal heaven whilst giving you head. He particularly likes it when you’ve had a bad day to surprise you and lower you onto his face, you will probably squirm out of embarrassment but as soon as you’d gain your confidence he would go in hard; enjoying every bit of view he has.

If you are feeling particularly low due to a bad day, he will set up the bed with lots of pillows/blankets and have you lay down, legs open and him laying between them, licking at your pussy.

Miche is a thigh guy, a man of taste. Will leave kisses up and around your thighs before going anywhere near your pussy. He probably enjoys the smell whilst he’s down there, admiring your soft flesh and kissing every inch of you.

If you want to be in control, lets say you have a frustrating day, you would ride him. Heck, he wouldn’t even mind if you wanted to peg him. This man is up for anything and would do anything to please you.

If you want him to be in control, you’ve definitely unleashed an animal. As I’ve mentioned before, he is a giver and if he knows you’ve had a bad day, oh boy this man will do all he can to help you forget your troubles. Rough but steady is his strategy.

I promise you after a night with him in control, you won’t even remember what stress feels like.

Expect some marks, this man is a sucker and a nibbler, especially on your neck and breasts.

King of aftercare, lots of hugs and kisses; will also clean you up after any messes made.

If Miche is not a man of many words, he has them all for you in that moment. Telling you he loves you, how much you mean to him and how sorry he is that you had a bad day. “Today might have been hard, but tomorrow is another day my love”

“I’ll be right here”

I hope you enjoyed! Thanks so much for the request 🌸

#miche zacharias #Miche zacharias x reader #mike zacharias x reader #mike zacharias #mike zacharias headcanons

187 notes · View notes

ritsushinbro · 4 years ago

Text

My Critique of Rebuild of Evangelion's Characterization: I originally wrote this post on the Evageeks forum and decided to post it here. It discusses the relationship between Misato, WILLE and the pilots and whether it is realistic and in-character. Warning this post contains spoilers and is very long. Also has references to self-harm and suicide.

With each revelation that comes out regarding the measures WILLE take against Shinji and their own pilots, it becomes more and more unrealistic for me to the point where it's almost comical. Let's go through some of them here:

They wear the explosive DSS chokers 24/7 which will kill the pilots should they risk awakening an Eva.

They are kept in a single room rigged with explosives.

In Shinji's case, he is (intended to be) put in 24/7 solitary confinement with explosives fitted as well.

Shinji is escorted around the wunder whilst restrained on a stretcher. (NOTE: The only time he isn't, is when Sakura takes him to Ritsuko).

It is confirmed in another thread that Misato gave clear permission to the crew for them to shoot Shinji on sight if they suspect he is attempting to get into an Eva.

Now let me attempt to deconstruct these measures one-by-one:

It is understandable that Asuka and Mari wear DSS chokers because after all they are pilots and there is a risk of awakening. However in Shinji's case, he is forbidden from piloting and so there is no risk of awakening (remember Ritsuko did not think NERV would come after him, so they had no reason to think he would escape). So why place the DSS choker on him? Well we have already established it is simply because they have a resentment against him; there is no special, pragmatic reason. Is this realistic? Well I would say no for reasons I will explain later but I can certainly understand why others may say it is.

I don't think I will understand why they would keep their two main "soldiers" if you will, in an explosively rigged room. I believe others have stated that from a tactical point, it's an extremely dumb move on WILLE's part. After all, if Asuka and Mari didn't have plot armor, what's to stop Gendo from tricking WILLE into killing their own pilots with these explosives? How would WILLE stop Gendo then? Will they use Shinji? No, for reasons I will state later. And another thing, we know that their rooms were already fitted with explosives so why on Earth would they add extra after the events of Q (when they stopped 4th impact). What do they hope to achieve with more bombs? Make the pilots more "deader" than they already are? In my opinion, this doesn't even come across as paranoid but just plain childish. Is this measure realistic from a story standpoint? No not in my eyes.

We know they intended to put Shinji in a solitary cell as this is what they do in Shin. If it was solitary confinement on it's own, then I believe it would be a realistic measure that would happen in real life. However I believe the writers did not factor in the effects of solitary confinement (especially one that is rigged to explode) on fully grown men; never mind a 14 year old who's just come out of a 14 year coma. Many people think solitary confinement is a walk in the park so I made another post a while ago highlighting why that's not the case:

"I remember when before Shin came out people here theorized that if Shinji stayed on the Wunder, they would eventually softened to him and let him help in ways that wouldn't have involved piloting. However with these revelations it looks like they intended to keep him in an isolated room far from everyone else that is (presumably) rigged with explosives as well as keeping the choker on his neck. Not even allowed to freely leave his cell without WILLE's permission (it is unlikely they would let him out judging from these measures).

Even though Asuka and Mari were treated like this as well, at least they had each other and were able to leave as they had responsibilities in piloting. But Shinji was forbidden from piloting and was to be kept by himself except maybe being checked up on by Sakura now and again. So judging from these leaks (we will have to wait to properly see the full context) WILLE intended to lock Shinji in solitary confinement.

I have copied and pasted some of the effects of Solitary Confinement from Wikipedia below:

“Psychiatric: Research indicates that the psychological effects of solitary confinement may encompass "anxiety, depression, anger, cognitive disturbances, perceptual distortions, obsessive thoughts, paranoia, and psychosis." The lack of human contact, and the sensory deprivation that often go with solitary confinement, can have a severe negative impact on a prisoner's mental state that may lead to certain mental illnesses such as depression, permanent or semi-permanent changes to brain physiology, an existential crisis, and death.

Self-harm: According to a March 2014 article in American Journal of Public Health, "Inmates in jails and prisons attempt to harm themselves in many ways, resulting in outcomes ranging from trivial to fatal." Self harm was seven times higher among the inmates where seven percent of the jail population was confined in isolation. Fifty-three percent of all acts of self harm took place in jail. "Self-harm" included, but was not limited to, cutting, banging heads, self-amputations of fingers or testicles. These inmates were in bare cells, and were prone to jumping off their beds head first into the floor or even biting through their veins in their wrists. A main issue within the prison system and solitary confinement is the high number of inmates who turn to self-harm. Many of the inmates look to self-harm as a way to "avoid the rigors of solitary confinement."

Physical: Solitary confinement has been reported to cause hypertension, headaches and migraines, profuse sweating, dizziness, and heart palpitations. Many inmates also experience extreme weight loss due to digestion complications and abdominal pain. Many of these symptoms are due to the intense anxiety and sensory deprivation. Inmates can also experience neck and back pain and muscle stiffness due to long periods of little to no physical activity. These symptoms often worsen with repeated visits to solitary confinement.

Social: The effects of isolation unfortunately do not stop once the inmate has been released. After release from segregated housing, psychological effects have the ability to sabotage a prisoner's potential to successfully return to the community and adjust back to ‘normal’ life. The inmates are often startled easily, and avoid crowds and public places. They seek out confined small spaces because the public areas overwhelm their sensory stimulation.”

And this is just for solitary confinement. There are so many other things going on with and happening (or could happen) to Shinji such as the things below:

Shinji being only 14 years old.

Shinji being abandoned and neglected by his father.

Shinji being coerced/emotionally blackmailed to pilot Unit 1.

Shinji seeing girls he cared for "die".

Shinji being in a coma for 14 years.

Shinji being told he has a bomb on his neck.

Being told it is because he is being punished.

Being told he cannot pilot the eva anymore (he is effectively "useless" now).

Have his former co-pilot and friend try and punch him after he thought she was dead.

[Potentially] being told he started NTI and devastated the world.

[Potentially] being told that the girl he tried to save is "gone" and that she was a clone of his mother.

Being imprisoned in a cell (presumably) surrounded by explosives and not being able to freely leave.

Be completely isolated from everyone except when being checked up by a girl who's father he got killed. (NOTE: Mari might want to see him so Shinji at least has her, maybe).

Have his mother figure (the woman who made him pilot the eva the most) threaten to detonate the choker around his neck and blow his head off when he tries to leave.

With the above list, is it any wonder his head is so messed up? I understand the purpose of these films is all about growing up and taking responsibility but expecting Shinji to willingly allow himself to be subjected to the treatment WILLE had in store for him is pure, unadulterated masochism. Much of what was is written here can safely be considered cruel, inhumane and arguably, torture.

There is a massive difference between taking responsibility for one's mistakes and just letting the whole world torture you because you did something bad. My main fear and problem with Q and Thrice is that their main theme, which is accepting responsibility, is equated with accepting unreasonably cruel treatment. And I just think that is an EXTREMELY unhealthy message to send to people especially if they are depressed or live in abusive relationships."

When you take all these into account, does it place into perspective how messed up Shinji would have been had he stayed on the wunder? This is assuming that they thought they would never have a need for him, but as we find out in Shin, they needed Shinji in the end to defeat Gendo. If Shinji never left with Mark 09 and Misato successfully kept him "protective" custody, then one of three things would have happened when WILLE actually needed him to save everyone:

A: He would not have been in the mental state to pilot Unit 1 and Gendo would have completely wrecked him due to shit synch ratios.

B: He would have told Misato and co. to fuck off and die. We've seen this nihilism before from Shinji (after the 5th angel). His incarceration alongside the humiliation and guilt from wearing the choker will have ratcheted up by a million.

C: He wouldn't have piloted because he would have killed himself. There's only so much a 14 year old can take and when subjected to a fate that causes even hardened criminals to resort to self-harm, genital mutilation and suicide, then what chance does Shinji have?

Now back to my original point, do I think this measure is realistic? I would like to say yes if it was the solitary on it's own, however when combined with the other things, then I think the chances of Shinji commiting suicide is extremely high to the point where it's not believable for him to continue as an anime protagonist. You have to make sure the protagonist goes through difficulty in order to experience growth and change, however if you make it too harsh (to the point of committing suicide) then it seems less believable that they live to continue the story. On a separate note, many people think that Shinji was immature for leaving with Mark 09 the first chance he got and that this is proof that he is, in Asuka's words, a "brat". But let's be realistic, if this story is about Shinji's growth and maturation, then how exactly would WILLE's treatment of him be conducive to that? The truth is WILLE's sheer hostility towards him would have completely stunted any emotional growth and maturation in Shinji and it would have destroyed the point of the film. Also no-one can argue that WILLE would have eventually "come round" or "softened-up" towards Shinji because even after 14 years they still don't trust their own pilots. So yeah, Shinji most likely would have been stuck in solitary with a bomb around his neck until he either killed himself or the war ended (but even this doesn't guarantee his freedom).

Regarding the stretcher business. I don't understand why you have to restrain Shinji on a stretcher when the kid has already surrendered himself and has come voluntarily. Maybe WILLE are just full of bondage fetishists; it would certainly explain the chokers as well.

If the DSS chokers and the explosive rooms weren't enough, Misato actually gave orders to the crew to shoot Shinji if they thought he was trying to pilot again. At this point, I just think this is just overkill. I mean the kid has a bomb on his neck that prevents him from awakening an Eva, you intended to keep him locked up even though he can't really leave the wunder except with outside help and now you intend to shoot him if you think he'll get into an Eva. The problem with this, is that piloting an Eva requires all the bridge-bunnies to sortie the damn thing. Shinji cannot enter Unit 1 by himself, especially since the thing is being used as an engine so why do they assume that Shinji is capable of being Sam Fisher and sneaking into Unit 1? We see that Sakura and Midori are actually willing to shoot Shinji in 3.0+1.0 and do so when he merely suggests that he pilot Unit 1. But seriously what harm would Shinji have done in Unit 1 considering the fact that Gendo was already going to start another impact anyway? Why actively try and kill (or injure in Sakura's case) the only guy that can save your ass? One cannot argue that they were just being "desperate or panicking" because in Midori's case, she actually takes the time to confirm her orders from Misato. This shows that at least, she was still of lucid mind. This particular altercation just beggars belief in my mind and the fact that Misato actually gave those orders on top of all the other measures is absolutely extraordinary. So as you can imagine, I do not think this was realistically executed.

However, I can already hear some detractors say: "So what? Misato hesitated to detonate the DSS choker and also took a bullet for Shinji. She redeemed herself from putting the DSS choker on him and the kill-order for if they thought he would try and get into an Eva."

And to those people I say….not really. There is an idiom attributed to Benjamin Franklin and it goes like this: "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure." How does this apply to Misato and Shinji's relationship? Well Misato wouldn't have had to hesitate to pull the trigger if she didn't put it on him in the first place. Misato wouldn't have had to take a bullet for Shinji, if she didn't give permission for the crew to shoot him in the first place. Let's take this following dialogue for example:

916-929:

Kitakami: "It's a good thing we got Major Shikinami back. But why'd we have to take that disease along with her?"

Aoba: "Just leave it alone. Better than Nerv still being able to use him."

Tama: "If he tries to get into an Evangelion, all hands have permission to shoot on sight. There's nothing to worry about this time."

Kitakami: "Come on, that's all for show. The last time he broke out of here, the Captain couldn't put him down. I've got zero trust about this time either."

Nagara: "He was a kid. I can understand why she'd hesitate."

Kitakami: "That 'kid' caused Near Third Impact and murdered my entire family!"

Hyuga: "Near Third was a consequence of what he did, not his goal. The Captain's doing her best to atone for that too."

Takao: "That's right. She's who Kaji entrusted with Wille, and it's our job to trust the captain."

We learn a few things from this dialogue. Firstly, the older WILLE members are much more understanding to Shinji and Misato's situation: Aoba and Hyuga understand that it's better to keep an eye on Shinji and that he never meant to start NTI, Takao is one who always trusts Misato's judgement and Sumire understands that Misato would have found it difficult to kill a child, especially one that Misato was close with.

Secondly, it appears that the younger WILLE members (Midori, Sakura and Tama) are the ones that are fearful/hateful towards Shinji (NOTE: Tama is a strange case, he strikes me as the sort of kid that just follows what everyone else is feeling. He might not feel anything towards Shinji beyond what you'd expect).

Finally it appears that most of WILLE crew members are actually reasonable people and are not the extremely desperate and paranoid individuals some people on the forum believe. Remember this is AFTER Shinji started the 4th impact in Q. The fact that some of the WILLE crew members speak of Shinji in this way, show they are capable of understanding. Most actually trust Misato and respect her judgement except for Midori, who questions Misato's capabilities in following through on her threats.

Which brings me to my next point. Misato has had no hesitation in pulling rank in the past. In 2.0, she even has an altercation with Ritsuko, her best friend, right before they fight the 8th angel. Misato is a woman that will tell even her best friend to STFU, when it comes to doing what she wants. Having said that, (timeskip shenanigans aside) there's no reason why she couldn't have done the same with the younger WILLE crew members. She could have nipped all of it in the bud by telling Sakura, Midori and the rest of them that Shinji was groomed to cause NTI and it was not his fault.

Instead, despite being the captain that everyone loves and fears, she kowtowed to the crew's paranoia and had the pilots fitted with explosive chokers, put in explosively rigged solitary confinement and gave the order to kill Shinji if they feared the worst. This is the sort of thing that drives fully grown men to suicide, never mind 14 year olds that have just come out of a coma. Imagine if Shinji did commit suicide in his cell. Who would Misato and WILLE have turned to in order to defeat Gendo in the end? What if Gendo tricked WILLE into killing their own pilots with the explosives? They would be properly screwed then. If Misato actually cared, as we are led to believe from her hesitation to kill Shinji, then she would have told the rest of the WILLE crew to fuck off, instead of alienating and putting Shinji and the pilots in that much risk. Are we really expected to believe that Misato placed such extreme countermeasures on Shinji just to appease Midori and Sakura? Not likely. This is why I believe that Misato would not have put the DSS choker on Shinji in the first place, and her doing so in Q was extremely unrealistic and out of character, even with anything that happened during the timeskip.

Some of you will say: "Who cares about realism? It's a show about aliens and growing up." While this is true, Anno has proven that he is able to pull the themes off much better when you look at the NGE series. Disregarding the self-contained narrative, it is obvious that the purpose of Q was to bring Shinji to the same point he was at after episode 24 of the series. If we look at how NGE/EOE handled Shinji's depression, we see that it is quite realistic:

The neglect and coercion by the adults in his life, almost dying to angels multiple times, the sexual tension with Asuka, almost killing Touji, finding out Rei is a clone of his mother, Misato putting the moves on him and having to kill Kaworu all culminate towards Shinji's mental state during EOE. Shinji is passively suicidal but it's due to the *situation* and his own introverted tendencies instead of people actively trying to hurt and isolate him. He finds the will to live again due to his mothers words despite knowing just how difficult living might be. If you remove all the Evas and the Angels from the story, the themes that are touched upon (isolation, neglect, misunderstanding) still apply and the audience can still resonate with them.

The rebuilds however go about it completely differently. They bring Shinji to that same suicidal state by having all the characters/plot actively harm Shinji's mental health by:

Putting him in a coma for 14 years so he is completely clueless. Imagine how groggy you are when you wake up in the morning and then multiply that by a million.

Have Misato psychologically castrate Shinji by telling him he won't do anything with a look of disdain on her face.

Have Ritsuko make Shinji feel dread by telling him he has a bomb on his neck and it's because he is being "punished".

Not tell him why he is being punished when he asks Misato.

Have Asuka try to punch Shinji after he thought she was dead.

Tell Shinji the girl he saved is "gone”.

Have his "mother figure" threaten to blow his head off for wanting to leave with the girl you just told him is gone.

Have Asuka and Mari attack Shinji in Lilith's chamber even though Shinji was seemingly willing to listen to them had Asuka not kept attacking. (Watch that scene again and you'll see when Asuka learns what Shinji is trying to do, she stops attacking but instead of explaining that he's being manipulated, she just calls him a brat instead).

Even Mari was willing to potentially kill or cripple Shinji with the Anti-AT rounds. (We don't know what the AA rounds are truly capable of because the only time they are used on screen, they don't work. The round cartridges state that they are armor and AT field piercing and have explicit restrictions on their use. The fact that Mari requires Asuka's explicit authorization to use them imply that they are most likely lethal and would have killed/crippled Shinji had he been in a normal Eva).

Have Shinji's friend's head explode with the device Shinji's "mother figure" actually meant for him. Imagine seeing someone's head explode and then remember that your "mother figure" actually meant that to be for you. That would certainly mess anyone up.

Have Asuka then kick and manhandle him when he is catatonic.

Have Asuka force feed him to the point where he pukes whilst he is still grieving the death of his friend.

Have Shinji only be escorted whilst tied to a stretcher despite him coming voluntarily.

Have Misato place Shinji in 24/7 solitary confinement in a cell rigged with explosives.

Have Misato tell the WILLE crew to shoot Shinji on sight if they think he's getting into an EVA.

Have people tell Shinji that he's being a brat the entire time for reacting badly to all this.

By having Misato, Asuka, WILLE reject and "punish" Shinji so harshly so it kicks off his isolation and desperation, it makes Shinji's "recovery" seem less believable. Anno himself didn't even know how to make Shinji recover psychologically in 3.0+1.0 and he actually had to ask the voice actors on how to make that happen. The story made the WILLE crew go full scorched-earth and in doing so made Shinji's "growth" and his reconciliation with Misato seem impossible.

I have already stated that I believe Q represents "Condemnation" and Shin represents "Compassion" and I think both films pull that off brilliantly. But that doesn't mean I think the characters acted in a realistic manner. I do not believe that Misato would have placed such harsh sanctions on Shinji in the first place for the reasons I have stated above. And if she did, I do not believe that Shinji would have easily forgiven Misato (even IF she took a bullet for him) as we see he does in the film. I do not believe that WILLE were merely "scared and desperate" because as the dialogue above shows, they are surprisingly understanding (but still disapproving) of Shinji's situation despite him literally starting another impact. I do not believe that Misato would have bent over to Sakura and Midori's resentment and taken measures against Shinji, just to ease their minds.

In summary, my main problem with the post-timeskip rebuilds is that I feel they gaslight the audience in thinking that Shinji was just being a "brat" the entire time by having Asuka and Mari say: "You have grown a little/You smell like an adult now." However, the truth is Shinji's been through so much mental suffering perpetrated by the people he cares about, that it's a miracle he's not killed himself. It would certainly break most of us on this forum. The movies seek to show Shinji "finally" taking responsibility when the truth is, the plot went so above and beyond putting him down in such an extreme manner in the first place.

#evangelion #nge #nte #rebuild of evangelion #evangelion 3.0 you can (not) redo #evangelion 3.33 #evangelion 3.0+1.0 #misato katsuragi #shinji ikari #asuka langley shikinami #mari makinami illustrious #ritsuko akagi #3+1 spoilers #spoilers

124 notes · View notes

bearlee-giggling · 4 years ago

Text

The Thing About Humans

summary: Connor is struggling to cope with his newly acquired emotions. Hank, however, is a pro.

warnings: cursing, mentions of death/suicidal thoughts, tickling

-~-

In the time that Connor had been living with Hank, post-deviation, he had been warned about dwelling on the past. It was a mistake Hank had made far too many times, one of which nearly resulted in him ending his own life. And Connor knew that Hank spoke the truth.

But there he was, curled up into a ball on Hank's couch, plagued by the memories of his days as a deviant hunter. He was thinking about Daniel. The look of terror and betrayal in his eyes after being shot by the snipers.

"You lied to me, Connor. You lied to me." Those were Daniel's last words, the pitch of his voice gradually deepening as his system shut down. If Connor would have known what would happen to Daniel... he would have done something to stop it. Anything.

Connor could feel himself shaking as his thoughts continued on. Where was Hank? Gone for lunch, I think. It wasn't like Hank to go to the Chicken Feed truck without him. Had Connor done something wrong? Was Hank mad at him?

Just as Connor was starting down that new thought train, he heard Hank fumbling with the key to the front door just outside. Hank finally managed to unlock the door and stumble into the house, half-empty soda cup still in-hand.

Hank was almost startled to see Connor curled up on the couch. "Connor?" No response. "Connor! What happened?" Hank quickly abandoned his soda on the kitchen table and hurried over to the couch, kneeling on the floor next to where Connor was sitting.

"Connor, talk to me. What's going on?" The genuine panic in the lieutenant's voice surprised Connor. He had only heard him speak like that during missions, when Connor's life was in jeopardy. But Connor wasn't in danger now. No, at least not physically.

"Connor!" A firm hand on his shoulder brought Connor back to reality. He looked to Hank, slightly startled. The lieutenant was taken aback by the tears streaming down his android companion's face. His voice softened, the panic fading into genuine concern. "I'm right here, son. Just breathe." Hank paused for a moment to allow Connor to catch his breath. "Can you tell me what happened?"

Connor took a moment to swipe the tears away from his eyes. "Those d-deviants-" his voice wobbled as he spoke. "They just wanted freedom. And I just-" His voice broke into a sob as he tried to continue, hiding his face in his hands, but Hank had already figured out what Connor was trying to say.

"That wasn't you, Connor. I know that, you know that, even all of Jericho knows that now. The real you, the you we all know now, is kind, compassionate, empathetic... and anybody who doesn't see that is a fool."

Connor sniffled, once again looking up at his human friend. Hank's words were genuine, and Connor knew it. "When you used to tell me I was showing empathy, I didn't believe you." Connor choked on some odd mix of a laugh and a sob, remembering his stubborn attitude prior to his deviation.

Hank chuckled at the memory of Connor back at the police station, begging him to help with locating Jericho. "No denying it now, huh?"

Hank stood up from his position on the floor, plopping down on the couch next to Connor. The android now sat upright, legs crossed beneath him.

"Feeling better?"

"I'm starting to, all thanks to you, of course."

"I'll say, I never imagined I would meet an android more empathetic than most humans. Talk about character development, huh?"

"I'm sure you're exaggerating, Lieutenant."

There was a short pause in conversation. A comfortable silence. It didn't last for much longer than ten seconds, but it was there.

"Still the same stubborn wise-ass though." Hank nudged Connor with his elbow, attempting to lighten the mood.

"Hey!" Connor yelped, pushing Hank's arm away. "As if you're not just as mule-headed as me!" Connor shot back with a grin that one could only describe as shit-eating. Oh, he was gonna be like that now.

"Holy shit, now you're giving me attitude? Where the hell did you learn that?"

"You know, Jericho may not be the greatest influence for your sweet innocent android, Lieutenant." Connor's grin grew wider with each passing second.

"Okay, now you're just asking for this." Hank jumped to his feet, grabbing Connor's hands to pull the android down onto the sofa completely, both of his wrists trapped inside one of Hank's large hands. Connor was now laying face up on the couch with his hands pinned above his head. "You knew this was coming, didn't you?"

Hank had learned a lot about Connor over the past couple of months. He learned about his fascination with dogs, heard him laugh for the first time, and discovered the android's true personality. And as sweet as Connor could be, he could also be a little shit.

Hank, however, had discovered a fool proof method of knocking Connor down a few pegs. Oddly enough, the discovery of that method just happened to go hand-in-hand with hearing Connor laugh.

"Connor, how long has it been since you laughed?"

Connor swallowed the nervous lump in the back of his throat. "Approximately 36 hours."

"You know, studies show that laughing on a regular daily basis has a significant positive impact on mental health."

"Of course I knew that, Lieutenant. I am, quite literally, a living database." If smug remarks could kill, Hank would have been six feet under.

"You pretentious motherfucker!"

Connor was about to fire back with another cocky remark, but he was cut off by his own startled yelp as Hank tazed him in the ribs. "Wait! Hank, you don't have to do this-!"

"Of course I do! You were in a shitty mood, you gave me attitude, and when I pinned you down, you continued with the attitude? Come on, Connor, you weren't exactly subtle about wanting this."

Connor attempted to defend himself, despite the fact that Hank had figured out exactly what Connor was after, but he was once again cut off, this time by his own sudden burst of laughter as Hank began repeatedly poking him in the ribs. "Don't you dahahAHAHARE-"

"Oh, I dare." Hank chuckled at the android beneath him, eying the hem of Connor's oversized DPD hoodie."

"Nohoho!"

"Yes!"

Hank quickly shoved both of his hands underneath the android's shirt, now leaving Connor with complete control over his arms. Obviously, Connor made no attempt to defend himself from Hank's attacks. He was too caught up in his own wild laughter to do so even if he wanted to.

"You know, I'd never heard any androids laugh before you, Connor. Although I can't quite say I'm complaining. It's kinda fun watching Mr. Look-At-Me-I'm-So-Serious get destroyed, and by something as childish as tickling?"

"KNOHOCK IT OHOHOHOFF!"

"No, I don't think I will." Hank's nonchalant yet teasy reply in combination with the feeling of his hoodie riding up gave Connor goosebumps. "Hey Connor? How much air can fit inside the average human's lungs?"

Connor paused for a minute, confused by the odd question. "Well it all depends on a number of factors like age, size, overall health-"

"Too slow!" And with that, Hank took a deep breath and blew a huge raspberry right over Connor's belly button.

Connor all but screamed in response, flailing his arms until he felt one of his hands make firm contact with Hank's face with a pained "Ouf-!" from the older man.

"Hank! Oh my... I didn't mean to, I'm so sorry!"

"Oh relax, will ya? I'm fine! Not really surprised either."

"Why would you do- that- if you knew I might hurt you?" The concern in Connor's voice was genuine.

"Oh my God you can't even say it!" Hank snorted as Connor's face flushed bright blue.

"Hank, I'm serious! Why would you do that?"

"Okay, look. The thing about humans is that, more often than not, they're willing to get hurt for the folks they care about. Even if that means getting smacked in the face after a very well deserved tickle attack- I wanted to cheer you up, not to mention you wanted to get wrecked. Neither of us wanted me to get smacked, but it happened. And it's okay, because you're feeling better now right?"

Connor thought for a moment. "Yes, Lieutenant. I do believe that's true."

#lee!connor #ler!hank #dbh tickles #tickle fic #t fic

77 notes · View notes

thevampiresiren · 4 years ago

Text

Lullaby

Min Yoongi x depressed!Reader

Summary: You've been hiding your struggles with your clinical depression and anxiety disorders from Yoongi, scared of being a clingy girlfriend. Yoongi comes home early to show you how he knows where you're coming from and will always be there for you.

Word Count: 1620

Genre: Angst/Fluff

WARNINGS: Cursing, Mentions of MDD (Major Depressive Disorder) and anxiety disorders. (Lyrics to the song do sound like its talking about suicide, but the song wasn't originally supposed to be about mental health)

A/N: This is one of my favorite Nickelback songs and it helps me when I myself have depressive episodes. It just had Yoongi trying to help someone with depression written all over it to me. Also this is only my second fanfic so try to cut me some slack😅

Well, I know the feeling

And there ain't no healing

Of finding yourself stuck out on the ledge

From cutting yourself with the jagged edge

You're not quite sure what offically started it. All you knew was that your chest was aching, you felt nauseous, you were shaking, and had tears quietly running down your face. You knew you were becoming stressed with this new job of yours, but you ended up just pushing the stress back down like you always did. Well, your depression and anxiety had other plans for you. You ended up just putting your cell phone on vibrate, just wanting silence. Part of you wanted to call your boyfriend. He understood more than anyone what is was like having a depressive episode. It was one of the many things you and Yoongi had in common and one of the many reasons you fell in love with each other. Being able to understand each other's struggles and helping the other out when it became too much.

I'm telling you that, it's never that bad

Take it from someone who's been where you're at

The bigger part of you knew how happy Yoongi was that he was able to start being with the guys again after his surgery. You didn't have the heart to pull him away from his brothers when they were so happy to be with each other again. You reached out for Holly on the bed, pulling him close. Burying your face into his soft, brown, curly, fur; you allowed your tears to fall onto him. Holly began gently kissing your face, like he was trying to wipe your tears. You smiled at him before gently closing your eyes trying to relax.

Laid out on the floor, and you're not sure you can take this anymore

Yoongi knew something was going on with you for the past two days. You were going to bed earlier, eatting less, and a lot more quiet. You said it was because you were tired and just stressed from your new job. He would have believed you. But now that you weren't answering any of his texts or calls (or anyone else's for that matter), he knew it wasn't just "stress". He tried not worrying but what was he supposed to do? He ended up leaving the studio early, telling Namjoon and the rest of the guys that something was up and he needed to head home.

So just give it one more try to a lullaby, And turn this up on the radio. If you can hear me now I'm reaching out, To let you know that you're not alone

He tried calling you once again only for it go to voice-mail for the umpteenth time.

"Babygirl, please call me. I'll be home in less than five mintues. I just need to know that you're alright. I love you, okay?". He took a deep breath. He knew you were going to be okay, but he didn't know how long your depression was acting up or where your head was at.

And if you can't tell, I'm scared as hell, 'Cause I can't get you on the telephone. So just close your eyes. Oh, honey, here comes a lullaby. Your very own lullaby

When Yoongi walked into the apartment, he didn't even think about taking his shoes off. He just went straight to the bedroom looking for you. He saw your phone abandoned on the couch and picked it up for you. Yoongi came up to the door and heard your muffled sniffles behind the door.

"Jagiya, can I come in?" He asked softly, not wanting to startle you. He heard a quiet "mhm" and gently opened the door. You had Holly underneath your head using him as a pillow, giving him gentle pets. Your face was stained in tears (along with Holly's fur), hair was a mess, and in nothing but your favorite red and black flannel of his with the skull on the back. Even though you were a wreck right now, you were still breath taking to him. Yoongi walked over to his side of the bed.

He sat down bedside you looking as your back faced him, rubbing your shoulder; making your shoulders slightly relax. It hurt him more than anything seeing you like this, it always did even though it didn't happen often and he always knew you would be okay.

"Can you look at me?" He said firm but gently. You stopped petting Holly and rolled over facing your boyfriend. You were scared that he would be upset for some reason but he looked worried and even sad. He held his arms out for you and gently pulled you to his chest protectively, rubbing your back soothingly. He let you cried into his chest as your body shook, tears staining his white tee as you held onto it like your life depended on it while he kissed your forehead and shoulder.

Please let me take you out of the darkness and into the light

He wasn't going to push you right now, but he needed to know what was going on. Once you calmed down and had your breathing under control he asked you what was going on.

"I wasn't lying when I said I was stressed over this job, but I guess it was effecting me more than I thought.". Yoongi nodded his while moving pieces of your hair out of your face.

"I don't know if I'm doing things right, I feel like whenever something goes wrong its my fault, and I just feel lost. I feel like I'm letting people down and I didn't want to say anything to stress people out because I know they have their own problems in their lives. I feel weak whenever this happens and feel like I let everyone down..." You said with your breath shaking.

Cause I have faith in you that you're gonna make it through another night

Yoongi pulled you into his lap, having you straddle his hips. He gently held your face between his large hands wiping your new tears away and leaving little kisses on your nose, cheeks, forehead, and lips.

"Jagi, you are NEVER weak when this happens. You're having a hard time right now and it's normal with depression and anxiety disorders. You're amazing at your job. You've never had any problems with jobs in the past and always are above average in performance reviews. And you know you can always call me. You don't stress me out. You know I know how this feels."

"I know that but you and the guys missed each other so much. I didn't want to take away your all's happiness and I didn't want you to think I was being a needy girlfriend..." you said crying again into his shoulders.

"Hey, have you ever thought of me as a needy boyfriend when I have my breakdowns?" Yoongi asked gently forcing you to look up at him with his finger under your chin. You gently shook your head.

"Have you ever been mad at me for pulling you away from your friends with my depression?". You shook your head again.

"Do you like seeing me suffer with my own personal demons?". Once again, you shook your head. Yoongi gently grabbed your arms and placed them around his neck while he placed his around you waist.

Stop thinking about the easy way out

There's no need to go and blow the candle out

"It works both ways babygirl. The guys always understand too. I hate seeing you like this without me knowing. It hurts me so fucking much." He said with tears in his eyes. "You and I both know that we're always there to help each other get through this shit. We understand each other more than anyone else. No matter what I'm doing I can't be happy knowing my girl isn't answering the phone because she is suffering inside her own head." He said as a tear fell. He pulled you into his chest again held onto you tightly. Like if he were to let go, he would wake up and you would be gone. He took a deep breath getting himself together, still holding you tightly.

"I love you so fucking much Y/N L/N. I want to do anything I can to help you like we always do with each other. Because you're going to get through this like all the other times. It's only going to get better from here baby. Don't let yourself burn out on this one thing. You're one of the strongest people I know." He said as a few more tears slid out.

Because you're not done, You're far too young and the best is yet to come

You wrapped your arms tightly around Yoongi's neck. You pressed your lips against his, your fingers running against his soft raven locks. He kisses you back slow and gently but somehow full of the passion and love he has for you. A few moments later you both gently pull away from the kiss, noses touching and out of breath.

"I love you too, Yoongs. I know everything will be okay. Its just the anxiety talking." You say rubbing his neck.

"I know it is and its hard. But I mean it. You promise me you'll call me whenever you need me. No matter what I'm doing, Dork." He said smiling lovingly at you while lightly flicking your forehead. You giggled softly smiling at him.

"You better do the same, Jerk."

Yoongi lifted up his pinky finger, wrapping it around yours and kissing it.

"I promise, brat."

So just give it one more try to a lullaby

#yoongi x reader #yoongi x you #min yoongi x reader #min yoongi x you #bts x reader

91 notes · View notes

draco-omega · 3 years ago

Text

An end to History

Well, these last few years sure have been a thing, huh? I know I've not posted anything for a very long time now. Multifarious stresses over the last years led to me withdrawing from most social venues and I haven't really had anything positive to report on my work either. But after all this time, I felt like I wanted to say something to any followers who still remembered having interest in projects I'd previously posted about.

Chronicles of False History - the Touhou strategy RPG that I've been working on in some capacity or another for 4 years - has been on life support for a long time now but circumstances have recently changed such that I think I can officially state that it will not come to pass anymore. Possibly this will be disappointing to someone or other out there, but I'm sure no one is more disappointed by this than myself.

There are a lot of factors that lead to its slow demise, but if I were to summarize in one paragraph: I greatly underestimated the workload involved in making this game, developed significant money problems partway through, started to suffer from burnout, and then a pandemic happened. Deteriorating mental health combined with doubts about the project's long-term viability lead to work growing progressively slower. And to top it all off, my character artist - who was possibly the only thing still keeping me going - has now had to resign for unrelated personal reasons. We parted amicably, but without her, there is no reasonable way the project can be completed. I don't have the money to find someone who can style-match the work that's already been done, and even if I did, I don't think I have sufficient mental health left to coordinate with another freelancer at this point in my life.

I have a lot of gorgeous art thanks to her (only a small bit of which has ever been posted on tumblr), but am still missing sprites for too many plot-critical characters to just write around their absence. Chronicles of False History, as it was once intended, is effectively dead.

...

But I don't want that to be the end of things.

Too much work has gone into this project and there is so much lovely art that deserves a proper home. I've dabbled at a few spin-off projects over the last couple years and I think they have potential - significant backend work on one is already complete, even. But...

The truth of the matter is that I'm a wreck these days. Writing this post has been... difficult. Writing anything these days is difficult. It's like my brain has been pickled in the stress of the last few years such that nothing works properly anymore. My concentration is bad, I'm constantly drowning in doubt, and even when I do manage to accomplish anything, it is at the pace of a depressed snail. I don't know when or even how that's going to get better.

But I'm also tired of waiting and hoping things will improve. So here I am, shouting into the wind, even if it's nerve-wracking. Maybe even because it's nerve-wracking. Because I have second-guessed so many things for so long that I'm just going to ignore the voices saying this is unwise and post it anyway. I mean, if you can't be a depressed neuroatypical transperson on tumblr, then where can you be, hey? :P

Anyway, there's a bunch of CoFH character designs that I never shared because they were plot spoilers. I wanted to keep some cool stuff back for the game's actual release, after all, instead of all the cool surprises being known in advance. But now, if that storyline never gets to exist... maybe I should just share them? And there are other things I can talk about, too, if anyone's interested. A post-mortem of CoFH's development (for instance, its troubled sprite compositing system), a more explicit dive into its storylines... Does it make sense to 'spoil' the plot of something, once it no longer seems like it will ever exist? Who knows. I'll figure it out.

#Chronicle of False History #CoFH

3 notes · View notes

erza-haninozuka · 4 years ago

Text

Always and Forever

Characters: Takashi Morinozuka x Female Reader

Words: 2,148

Warnings: Angst, major character death, mentions of a car wreck and aneurysm, and there is some fluff if you squint

A/N: Today’s fic is inspired by a song that makes me want to fall in love. I know it seems odd considering the lyrics but it’s just the meaning behind it that I find beautiful and is the reason I chose this song. Plus the other ones I had lined up didn’t strike inspiration the way I had hoped.

You sat at the table with dinner all made and set, waiting for Takashi to walk through the door any minute now with the items you asked for him to pick up on his way home from work.

But it was forty minutes past time he would usually arrive home and all he had to pick up was more milk.

He was never a man to dawdle in the grocery store unless it was the two of you together, debating and brainstorming ideas of what to make.

But those minutes slowly began to eat away as your dinner began to go cold and your heart began to sink.

He was a man of punctuality.

But today he was far from it.

You began to pace the dining room and checked your phone, but it was eerily quiet too.

No texts and no calls.

You needed to distract yourself so you let out a gentle sigh, sitting back down, and eating what cold food your stomach could muster with all the knots building up. However each bite you took down, your body was ready to throw it back up.

You only got half way in before giving up and pushing your plate away.

Calm down, breathe.

It was just traffic! Maybe the roads started to get busy like they usually do at a time like this.

Maybe he ran into an old friend in the milk isle and they got to talking, losing track of time.

Scenario after scenario and lie after lie, you told yourself something comforting to keep the anxiety at bay. But like many other times, your anxiety was winning.

You wanted to go out and look for him, but your body wouldn’t allow you the effort to leave.

Because you convinced yourself he could return when you’re gone. He would be home any minute now.

But he never came and those minutes you kept telling yourself, whisked away into hours like the food that now sat in the bottom of your trash can.

It was growing late and there was no way you could go to bed without your fiance when you had no idea where he was or what was going on- hoping with all your might that maybe it was one of Tamaki’s stupid ideas to drag him somewhere.

But Tamaki hadn’t heard from him. No one had.

Was it cold feet maybe? Did his insecurities finally win and convince him he wasn’t good enough for you?

With a shake of your head you tried to scatter the thoughts or with any luck shake out of your brain, but they just came flooding back.

You adjusted against the arm of the couch, tucking yourself into the blanket even more, closing your eyes for just a brief moment and replacing the warmth from the fuzzy throw with Takashi’s arms.

Your heart settled for just a moment at the thought, but it was all ripped away when the sound of your phone ripped through the house from the kitchen.

The silence was finally broken, startling you from your peaceful daydream as you walked, feet padding against the cold tiled floor as you made your way to the counter.

It wasn’t the person you were hoping for- in fact there was no name attached, just an unknown number you hadn’t seen before.

You gulped and quickly answered.

“Is this Y/N?”

“Yes, who is this?”

You could hear them gulp on the other end of the line before they spoke, telling you that you were the emergency contact on file and that Takashi was in intensive care. “I think it’s best if you make your way down here.He’s currently stable but we don’t know how long he’s going to have.”

Your heart dropped and shattered into a million pieces, before you could ask any questions you were letting them know you were on your way and quickly hanging up.

With the speed of light you grabbed your wallet and keys, slipping on the nearest shoes and pulling on a pair that didn’t even match.

But right now how could you care when the man you loved more than anyone in this world was slipping away at a speed you knew nothing about?

Your hand was shaking as you tried to push the key in the ignition, swearing under your breath as tears began to blur your vision. Finally on the third try you were able to get the key in, turning it quickly and bringing the car to life.

You wiped the tears that already spilled out and attempted to calm your nerves enough to drive. But you couldn’t remain calm as you drove.

Your foot seemed heavier than normal and your road rage infinitely much worse that matched something of a demon- yelling and crying at anyone who dared to drive below the speed limit.

In a matter of time you were peeling into the parking lot and hurrying to find a parking place, not caring if you were too close to the lines. Once your car was in park and shut off you scrambled into the hospital, the bright fluorescent lights blinding you as you made your way to the front desk.

The nurse behind the desk took one look, immediately giving you a face of sympathy as you closed the distance, hands trembling as you caught your balance on the desk.

The weight of what she might say was ready to crush you at any given moment.

“Takashi, Takashi Morinozuka. I received a call and was told he’s in intensive care?”

The nurse flashed a gentle smile, paging down one of the nurses to lead you there.

The gentleman gave you the same face as he led you down what felt like a maze of a million hallways before coming to the intensive care unit.

Takashi’s doctor was at the doctor’s station nearby, catching your eye and coming over before the nurse could directly take you to your fiance’s room.

The doctor wore the same, gentle smile as he told you everything they currently knew about Takashi. He filled you in on how he was brought in from a wreck and they had discovered that there was an aneurysm that was bleeding out, they were thankfully able to stop the bleeding before it got too serious.

But they didn’t know they had missed one that was still leaking out.

He told you of his broken bones, punctured lung, and lesions. How he had some bruises that were already showing, attempting to prepare you.

It was all muffled as your brain began swirling, but all stopping when you heard that he was conscious currently.

The doctor led you to his room, and you could see him through the pieces of glass. Before he even opened the door you knew Takashi looked and felt like hell.

But you still weren’t mentally prepared when he opened the door to see him with wires and tubes, cuts and already formed bruises decorated his face and arms that were currently visible to you.

You didn’t know just how much more damage he sustained away from the naked eye.

Takashi’s eyes fell on you once you walked in, giving you an apologetic smile as you made your way over, dragging the chair closer.

The sound of the metal on the tile drowning out the machines beeping.

“I’m sorry,” was all he muttered out.

“Takashi please don’t be sorry. This- this wasn’t your fault.”

He didn’t try to confirm or deny your words as he carefully took your hand in his, gently giving it a squeeze.

It was obvious how much he was currently fighting just to get to spend this time with you, and it was breaking your heart even more.

“Come closer.”

You obeyed, leaning closer to him, breaking when you felt his busted lip gently place a kiss to your head, hand coming up and carefully catching the tears that finally got to break free.

“Y/N.”

You looked to his eyes, discarding the fact one had a blood vessel busted, instead choosing to get lost in the storm gray of his eyes. They were currently a typhoon of emotions, and only half of them you could read.

“Let’s just be happy for right now?”

You took in a breath, knowing full well he was right. You couldn’t let the last thing he’d see be you breaking down, so instead you pulled back and finished drying up your own tears.

“Y/N, can you imagine the life we would’ve had?”

“It would’ve been an amazing one, Takashi. We would go wherever we wanted for our honeymoon before truly starting our lives together. How many kids would you have wanted?”

“As many as you’d allow me.”

You blushed a bit at the confession, “Three is a good number.”

He smiled softly, “Two girls and a boy.”

“Why two girls? We’d overrun the house,” you teased.

“Either way the queen would oversee them all. Their brother would protect them.”

“Yeah he would. He definitely would if he turned out to be anything like you.”

He hummed in response, “A dog would’ve been nice too.”

“Could you imagine if it was massive? We could probably stick Mitsukuni on it like a horse.”

Your heart jumped as you pulled a small laugh from him before he coughed.

“You’d make me happy for all my days- you have made me happy.”

“Takashi…”

“Y/N, let me finish. Don’t call the others until after I’m gone. Mitsukuni will help you. He’ll get you anything you need. Please, try to take care of yourself. Take care of yourself in the ways I couldn’t and that I won’t be able to.”

“Sweetheart, please…”

“I just hope I made you--”

“Please don’t do this to yourself right now. Takashi you’ve,” you stopped yourself blinking. “I have a crazy idea. It’s going to sound insane but what would you say if I wanted to get married. Right here, right now.”

He blinked, clearly not expecting you to say that before he smiled wider than earlier he had, reopening the wound on his lip. “The nurse button is on the remote.”

You nodded and quickly called for them to get the chaplain.

The two of you killed the time by continuing the talks of the life you’d live together. The life of grandchildren, being together through thick and thin, sickness and health, for richer or poor- the pets you would have and how you would grow old together remaining side by side. You even talked of the house you would’ve wanted, remaining close to the Haninozuka’s like Takashi would’ve wanted.

Your children would’ve been close to the Haninozuka’s like Takashi was so used to.

They would be raised in the Morinozuka way, but also given a freedom to choose the life they’d want to live

And when the chaplain came in it was clear he was expecting words of prayer by the way his face contorted into a bit of confusion when you asked him to marry you.

He looked at Takashi as if silently asking him if it’s what he wanted.

Takashi nodded his head and the chaplain began the service, doing a shorter version than usual given the circumstances.

You could tell as you watched him throughout, that he was slowly losing his fight.

And when it came time for his vows it took all the strength you had to not burst into tears right then and there. You would need to save them until after he was gone.

Takashi gave you a loving look as he gave your hand a gentle squeeze, “Y/N, I will always love you. Always and forever, from now until my last breath. I will love you even when I’m not here. You will always be my home and the one I love most. I will forever cherish the time we have spent together.”

The chaplain smiled softly, continuing on.

You could tell when it was time to seal your marriage with a kiss, that he was close to losing his battle.

You gently cupped his face, being mindful of the injuries and placing a gentle kiss on the lips to your now husband.

Takashi gently held your chin, giving you the same gentle and loving kiss to your lips.

You pulled away just enough to take one last look into those dark gray eyes that made you feel at ease and right at home, “It’s okay Takashi. I’ll be okay, you can go now. I will love you, always and forever.”

He gave you one last gentle smile, his voice barely coming out as he told you he loved you too before his voice broke off and the machines around you began to signal he was gone.

The tears you were holding back immediately came cascading down your face as you wept into the man you loved more than anyone else in this world.

#takashi morinozuka #takashi morinzuka angst #takashi morinozuka x reader #takashi morinozuka x female reader #mori x reader #mori x female reader #mori angst #mori x reader angst #ohshc angst #ouran high school host club angst #ohshc mori #ohshc takashi #ohshc takashi morinozuka #ohshc takashi x reader #ouran high school host club takashi #ouran high school host club takashi morinozuka #tw: death #tw: aneurysm #tw: car wreck

117 notes · View notes