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#and i could be doing HORRIBLE DAMAGE TO MY BODY RIGHT NOW!!!!
bunn-iiii · 7 months
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hey guys (said with the most wobbly, I am going through hell voice you've ever heard)
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dreamlogic · 5 months
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musing in the tags about the view two years out from my hysterectomy and the shifting nature of neuropathy. i asked my PT for recommendations/resources pertaining to pain science and that's been a very helpful lenses to have. i'm still not back to normal, will never be unmarked by this experience or return to my pre-op self, but my baseline has been gradually increasing over the last few months, and it feels good to look back on the last two years and say "i have no idea how i managed to function while living with that, but i did!"
#meatsuit renno#chronic blogging#ctxt#at first post-hysto pain was a deep burning ache#and eventually that lessened on my left side and settled in for the long haul on the right#after a couple weeks it had started to feel like a small carnivorous creature scrabbling and gnawing at the inside of my abdomen#nestled into the hollow of my pelvis and reaching up with its raking claws#about 6 months in and the creature still chewed occasionally but had shrunk to the size of a tennis ball under my right incision site#it clamped its jaws down and went to sleep and i perpetually felt like someone had pinched a fold of my insides with a large binder clip#this constant awful twisting tug every time i moved that kept me from straightening up or breathing fully#this is about a year into recovery and my original surgeon has blown off my requests for follow-up treatment three times now#i carried on as best i could. fatigue and brainfog getting worse & worse as the pain wore on unrelentingly#about a year and a half into recovery it worsened again. searing lancing pain like i'd been impaled on a piece of white hot rebar#couldn't hardly move. couldn't think straight. couldn't sleep#finally checked myself into urgent care & then the ER just to try to get someone anyone to take me seriously and help me#finally got a referral to a new surgeon who immediately pinned it as extreme neuropathy#started gabapentin end of december last year and the relief was immediately#i never thought i would welcome the gritted teeth vice grip of my little feral pain creature#but when i felt the molten spike slide out to be replaced once more by its worrying jaws#the intermittent spark and fizzle of that pinching squirming pain was a dramatic improvement#then i started PT in march and slowly so slowly the creature's hungry grip is loosening#it still clamps down occasionally. maybe once every week or two i'll have a day when i just accept#that there will be a horrible little creature chewing on my right side from the inside#but nowadays with the gabapentin doing as much as it can and an exercise routine i must stick to religiously to supplement PT#the pain is more of a little pearl of dark matter shifting around under my skin#it's incredibly dense. the heart of a black hole of disabling agony. all that white hot fury condensed into a slick heavy marble#as i recover some of my strength and energy i can feel my body coating it in nacreous layers to minimize its influence#my hysterectomy was 2 years and 4 days ago today and i feel like i can finally finally say i'm beginning to truly heal#i suspect i'll always carry this pearl in my side like shrapnel. product of damaged nerve tissue that went untreated for far too long#i wish my original surgeon had been more competent more attentive less lazy & indifferent to my pain. but i still don't have any regrets.
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lymtw · 4 months
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Aftercare with Toji, where after all the roughness and manhandling is over with, he can't take his eyes off of you. All he cares about is making sure that you're not in excruciating pain, yet he hasn't been able to say a word for the past five minutes. You've pressed so many tender kisses to his face and expressed that you're okay enough times to him, but he can't seem to drop the smallest, lingering coil of guilt he feels at the sight of your scuffed up body. You look like you fought off a bear and ripped octopus tentacles off your skin—simultaneously, with all the scratches, bruises, and hickeys that littered you from your jaw to your ankles.
"Quit staring," you say, bringing your knees up and crossing your arms, your hands gripping your biceps.
"Nah- baby..." he finally says, softly, like he's quickly trying to justify the gaze he had set on you. "Come here."
Toji makes quick work of crushing this wave of insecurity that threatens your peace. He knows what you just endured was not the softest experience, and that you practically let him—a man capable of showing the aggression of a pack of wolves, devour you. Really, he did not hold back at all.
You slide down the bed and pull the covers over your body, laying your head on his chest with an arm thrown over his midsection. He pulls you close with an arm wrapped around your shoulder, and kisses the top of your head. "You know I love you, right, mama?"
"Mhm," you hum. Minutes ago you would have thought those words were a cruel joke being played on you with the way he gripped onto you like he wanted it to hurt.
"Wasn't trying to hurt your feelings by staring at you like that. Just did a lot of damage, this time, and it looks like it hurts... a lot."
"I'm fine," you repeat, for the nth time. You look up at him, briefly, sparing a smile before resting your cheek on his chest again. "A hot shower will melt it all away, I promise," you mumble.
He brushes over one of the many stains he left on the side of your neck. "My little trooper," he sighs, very much relaxed by your side. "You know i'd be proud even if you told me you were hurting." He knows it'll take more than a shower to get all these new semipermanent tattoos off your pretty skin, but for the sake of not making you feel small, again, he shuts up about it.
"I know," you assure. "I just don't wanna burden you. You're probably just as tired, if not more."
"What do you need?"
You lift your head again and look at him, confusion filling out your features. "You heard me, didn't you? I can take care of myself."
"I know that, and I don't doubt it for a second, but you're really gonna reject me?" He hisses, dramatically clutching his chest. "Damn, mama, just like that?"
"Well, no. Of course not-"
"Right. Of course not," he says, with that horrible tendency he has of cutting you off when the situation benefits you. "Gonna ask you one more time, and if you don't answer, i'm just gonna do what I want for you. What do you need?"
You had to think about it for a minute, about how you wanted him to help you. Independence shone through your thoughts. Everything he could help you with, you could also do alone. You didn't want to be needy.
"Five..." He's timing you, now. "Four..." The countdown has your brain scrambling to pick something. Anything, but you're blanking, losing second by second the already little time you were gifted. "Three... it shouldn't be this hard," he teases, a smirk on his face.
"I don't know, um."
"Two... you're gonna lose the option of telling me what to do, doll."
"No- I don't know."
"One." The countdown ends. "Alright," he groans, pulling you up with him as he sits up. "Let's go."
Sure enough, once the lukewarm water hit your skin, you gained a burst of energy. You made the washing of your body an amusing, yet tedious task for Toji. With all your little excitement fueled dances and laughter, what should have been a ten minute session turned into a twenty minute one.
"Doll, turn around. Let me get your back," Toji says, holding back a grin at the sight of you trying to soothe the burning sensation you feel in your nose after inhaling water.
You turn your back to him, before jovially turning to face him again. "Joking, joking," you say, when you catch his lidded eyes. You quickly turn your back to him, again, with giggles slipping past your lips.
He sighs, unable to hold back the gentle curl of his lips any longer. "What am I gonna do with you?" He lathers you from the nape of your neck to your lower back, with soap. The contrast of the white foam and the darkened stains on your skin, were enough to have him thinking about what ended just a little over half an hour ago. There wasn't a spot on you that didn't have some mark of his on it. Your shoulder blades and spine were mottled with stains of his lips, and your hips had opaque fingerprints on them.
You winced and took a step forward, away from Toji's touch, successfully pulling him out of his zoned out state. "You're scrubbing the scratches too hard," you say, turning to him while running your hands over the tender skin.
"Shit," he gently pulls you back and turns your back to him again, "sorry, princess." A few soothing kisses are pressed into the strikes, enough of them to make you forget that it even stung in the first place. He makes sure his mind stays out of the gutter, at least until he's done washing you, so that he doesn't hurt you again.
After showering, you stayed in bed while Toji went to the kitchen to make some tea for you. He did this for you after every night of intimacy, to expedite the betterment of your exhausted throat. He also knows of the calming properties that ease you into slumber. He wants nothing more than for you to sleep off the soreness your body retains.
"There you go, baby. I know you don't like it, but it'll make your throat feel better, so you have to drink the whole thing." He settles down next to you, on his side of the bed and watches you sip on the steaming hot drink.
The familiar scrunch of your nose appears at the taste that hits your taste buds, a sight that Toji has started looking forward to. "I hate the flavor just a little more every time I drink it. Oh well," you say, taking another sip, ignoring the scalding heat that embraces your tongue.
"I know. It sucks," he says, pressing a kiss to your temple. "Hopefully, next time we choose correctly and get something you'll like."
You set the mug down on the nightstand and turn to him. With warm hands, you cup his cheeks and tilt his head up slightly.
"What?" He asks, his eyes directed towards you.
Your smile evolves into a short giggle as you stare at one pinpointed spot on the side of his neck. "I got you, too. Right..." you drag a finger down his neck, gently pressing on the dark spot you left on him. "...here."
His hand tracks your touch and replaces it with his own, feeling the mark. "Damn right, you did. You got me, baby," he says through a grin. "My turn?"
You sigh, with faux irritation. "Fiiine."
"Let's see..." He cups your cheeks the way you did his. "I got this whole area here." His thumb brushes over your jawline, dragging beneath it to where the marks end. "Then there's this entire patch right here." He turns your head, exposing the reddish-purple splotches on the side of your neck to the light. His eyes trace the slope that leads to your shoulder, spotting the marks that remain visible beneath the collar of your shirt. He coordinates his touch with his sight, dragging his fingers over your delicate skin. "Right here," he says, after pulling the collar of your shirt down your shoulder, revealing more of his marks.
"Okay, okay. You win," you say fixing your shirt, covering up again.
"There's one right there," he continues, tapping the column of your neck. "Some more there," his finger glides over your left collarbone.
"Toji, I swear, if you point out one more, i'm gonna bite your finger off."
He stares at you silently, the corners of his lips twitching as you watch him, intently. After a few seconds, he slowly starts directing his finger towards a mark on your chest. Once he makes contact with your skin, he gently presses on the smear of color that marks it, still holding eye contact with you. "Here, too."
You swat his hand away from you, and huff. "Why did I even try to threaten you? You want me to bite your finger off, huh?"
"Not in the slightest. I just knew you weren't actually gonna do it, so I pushed it."
You cross your arms. "Whatever. I'm just gonna put a hoodie on so you can't look at them anymore."
"Woah, baby, put down the knife," he says, hands up in playful surrender. "No need to take drastic measures over this. Don't hide all my hard work."
"Hard work," you mutter, an incredulous scoff following.
Toji's gaze falls on your lips. "You're pouting like you wanna be kissed," he teases.
"And you're... you're being annoying," you say, covering your mouth with your hand, concealing the involuntary lift of your lips.
"Yeah, but you still want me to kiss you," he says, with a sly, knowing smirk on his face. "Look at you. Look at that blush. Even your knuckles are red, doll."
"Oh my god..." you groan with embarrassment. You use both hands to cover your entire face, now.
He chuckles, pulling you into his arms. "You're so pretty, ma. A total work of art." His hands have never gotten lost on you, but for now, in any way he holds you, he'll be able to see the trails his lips left behind.
"Stop..." you mumble, smiling softly at the sweetness poured into his words.
"You look mine, with all these marks," he says, pulling down the collar of your shirt a little, to see the blots of color that appear at the start of your spine.
"Shut up," you say, blushing furiously against his chest.
"Sounds like you still want that kiss, huh?"
"Not anymore," you say, lifting your gaze to meet his. The look in your eyes betrays every ounce of your denial. Toji can very clearly tell that you're lying.
"Those rosy cheeks are saying something else," he says, grinning. "Damn, look at those pretty lips. They're ready for me."
"If you want to kiss me, just say so," you chide, lightheartedly.
"I'm gonna kiss you so hard, doll," he says, cupping your cheeks again. "Your lips lack a little more of me."
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deadsetobsessions · 5 months
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REVERSE TROPE WRITING PROMPT BY @out-of-jams
ACCIDENTALLY KIDNAPPING A MAFIA BOSS
In Tucker's defense, he thought he was doing someone a favor. A life saving favor, in fact.
"What the fuck-!” The red helmeted guy yelped as a deceptively strong Tucker yanked him onto the bike and sped away. Before Tucker could explain, the GIW agents behind them got in a lucky shot and hit the helmeted liminal with a strong blast to the head.
Clearly, his gear wasn’t equipped with anti-ecto protections, because the guy slumped over on Tucker’s arms. This was bad, because Tucker now had to maneuver about 230 pounds of Gotham muscle while speeding away from government agents. He flicked on the jammer so they couldn’t track his and red helmets’s ecto signature.
“STOP!”
“Ah, shit.” Tucker cursed as he somehow managed to gather up red-helmet’s body and stabilize the bike. “C’mon, Tuck, you can do this.”
Blasts of anti-ecto tech slammed into buildings around him. Luckily, Gotham was used to this kind of shit so people just moved out of the way before going back to their day. Tucker wove around traffic, trying to lure the agents into slamming face first into some signposts.
“Stop damaging the local infrastructure!” Tucker yelled back at them, speeding up.
“WELL REIMBURSE THE PEOPLE AND THE CITY LATER! TELL US WHERE PHANTOM IS!!”
“Over my dead body, you jerks!” Tucker took a sharp right, catching red helmet before the man could slip off. He sped up and took the ramp downwards, heart beating loudly in his ears as he strained his senses to figure out- ah, they took the ramp upwards. Good. Now, all he has to do is bring red helmet back to home base.
“Oh my god. I kidnapped him,” Tucker groaned, slapping at his face before quickly placing his hands back on the handle bar once the bike teetered over with red helmet’s weight. “I’m a criminal. Oh my god.”
Then, as he found his way back, “…Well, it’s not like I wasn’t a criminal before, with the whole resisting arrest thing.”
——
Tucker dumped the red helmet liminal onto the couch of their shared apartment and went to take a shower. When he got out ten minutes later, he found Danny and Sam staring at the helmet guy. Tucker pushed up his glasses (after letting them defog from the shower) and greeted them.
“Hey, guys! I found him while I was running away from Agent L and J.”
“You okay?” Danny asked, eyes immediately flicking over Tucker for injuries.
“Yeah, I’m good. They’re horrible shots.”
“I thought Danny was the one who brought home strays but you…?” Sam commented, arms crossed and a purple painted nail tapping at her arm. “Wait. Isn’t this… that crime lord? What was his name?”
“Red Hood?” Danny offered, turning back to look at the guy on their couch.
Tucker paled. “Oh, no.”
Guns? Check.
Red Helmet? Check.
Bat-Symbol? Check.
Shit.
They collectively stared at the guy in silence.
“…Tucker,” Sam slowly said. “Did you accidentally kidnap a crime lord?”
“Hey, I didn’t want him to get killed! He’s liminal! Even more than us, except for Danny.” Tucker grumbled. “Man, this is why I leave the hero-ing to Danny. I do one good thing and suddenly I have a crime lord on my couch.”
“My couch,” Sam corrected, as she was the one that furnished their apartment.
“What do we do now?”
“Eat dinner,” Tucker said. “I’m famished.”
Sam nodded. “Wait for him to wake up and hope he doesn’t shoot us the moment he wakes up. Then, we explain.”
Danny grabbed all the visible guns he could see. Tucker went to start dinner. Sam supervised, because her boys were idiots and now she had a crime lord in her apartment.
——
Jason groaned, head swimming in a sea of dull throbbing pain as his eyes fluttered open.
Then he remembered he was abducted, and bolted up right. He paused as a series of quick observations made its way to his consciousness.
One. He’s not tied up. Weird, because everyone knows that he’s a weapon even without his weapons.
Two. His weapons were right there, just in reach.
Three. He was surrounded by teenagers and/or young adults who were all scrolling along on their phones.
“Oh, hey, he’s awake! Hi!” The Wayne bait said, electric blue eyes fixing itself on Jason. “Were you aware you died?”
Jason went rigid, hundreds of way to-
“Danny!” A scolding tone cut of Jason’s immediate panic. Two couch pillows slammed into Danny’s face, courtesy of goth girl and nerdy but strong.
“Dude, why do you start with that? Why are you like this?” His… possible kidnapper? asked, exasperatedly flinging his hands into the air as he rolled his eyes.
Goth girl scowled. “Boys. Crime lord, couch, remember?”
“Hey, in my defense, I died too!”
And that- as Jason remained dumbfounded in this circle of tomfoolery- was what snapped Jason out of his daze.
“You what?” He rasped out.
And when he saw them open their mouths at the same time, Jason just knew his headache was going worse.
——
Tucker, effortlessly plucking the actual red hood from the streets: and I whoop-
Jason, whose type is strong, nerdy, and tall: *heart eyes* *but not really because he’s unconscious*
——
Sam: “this is my boyfriend Danny and our other boyfriend Tucker.”
Jason enters chat:
Sam: “this is my boyfriend Danny and our other boyfriend Tucker and his boyfriend, the Red Hood.”
——
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evilminji · 1 year
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Okay... so it COULD be because, as a writer, I'm an ASSHOLE to my Characters...
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT'D BE FUNNY?
Danny, innocent, gets YEETED into DC. As ya do. And he's a bit messed up. But! He's a Baby Ancient in the making. Gonna be master of Spaaaaaace(~~~☆!) one day. Very exciting, only slightly relevant.
See, Ectoplasm? Dumb. That's why we need Cores and Brains etc. Never let Ectoplasm decide things. It WILL chose the "technically correct but now the buildings on fire" option EVERY SINGLE TIME. And you are running out of fire extinguishers.
Because it is dumb.
Very, VERY No Brain, Just Goo, Dumb.
And THIS Goo has a life to save. A Halfa too maintain in Peak Performance(tm). Because THIS Goo is VERY smart Goo(according only to itself) and TOTALLY knows what it's doing! Damaged meat bits? Oh that's EASY! You just FIX that! Replace with meat bits! See? It's BRILLIANT Goo. 10 out of 10 stars, me!
Small problem.
The instructions have been damaged.
PANIC.
Wait! No! We got this! We are Very Smart Goo(tm). And have Space Powers. This is FINE. We'll... we'll just FIX the instructions! Hand me a hammer! If we smash enough bits together, it'll sort? Of look right? Close ENOUGH? Yeeeeeah. We're GENIUS Goo~
Use THAT!
But where did they GET their ill begotten DNA? Well OBVIOUSLY the place all the OTHER DNA they had was stored, DUH? Keep up, says the Goo with literally no braincells making horrifying choices for an unconscious man. It's Earth.
As in... the planet.
It's not even HIS planet. It's AN Earth. A Planet CALLED "Earth" that dwells in the DC universe, not his, and is covered with ZERO(0) Fentons but plenty of superhumans and aliens. THAT planet.
The Goo grabbed the Very BESTEST Meat Instructions it could FIND! The Goo is also a collective and did not AGREE on what the "Best" WAS. But it's... okay, no, I can't lie to you, it is NOT fine.
But thankfully it IS stable.
Because Ectoplasm may be dumb and indiscriminate as super-bacteria with a flamethrower, but it is a MASTER at the jigsaw of Life. It can reanimate ANYTHING.
Including the now SINGLE MOST CHIMERAD MAN you've ever SEEN. Who is he related too? YES. His left knee is Kryptonian, the fingers on his right hand are Tameranian, his skin tone has shifted to the most ambiguously multi-ethnic tone imaginable (think that future of humanity mock up, where they combine every ethnicity on the premise that inter-racial marriage will becoming increasingly common up to the point where we all just kinda look averaged out thanks to the ease of travel) because it's trying to do all of them at once and none of them are willing to back down, because all of them got the instructions "Be Skin". He might have Slade Wilson's cheek bones and hair.
Danny wakes up and basicly is half Ectoplasmic Goo, half the extended Super Community.
AND CANT GET BACK HOME TO FIX IT.
Because of course this IS fixable. It's just medical shape-shifting. But without HIS template, undamaged. His body is REFUSING to change from what is OBVIOUSLY the CORRECT form. And he keeps getting clocked as "probably related to me".
With the Fenton Luck kicking in? The parts of him people manage to swab and/or get DNA from? Keep MATCHING them. Danny doesn't know WHO is behind this but-! *spots a giggle child with a cat* !!!!!!
You.
Klarion you little SHIT!
So now he's wearing a face that's BARELY his, running from very determined superhumans who want to parent him, trying to steal enough technology to build a portal. AND vowing to kick the witch boy's ASS.
This ISNT FUNNY, KLARION.
His body is Frankenstein's FEVER DREAM! Every time he gets hurt, it tries to "FIX" itself! He lost a chunk of his should back there and HIS ENTIRE BODY CHANGED SKIN TONES. He's pretty sure if he SITS funny, his teeth might fall out and regrow POINTY! He's handing you over to WALKER you horrible little gremlin child!
Just? Take the "Danny is related to X" and "Danny is sick" and turn them uuuuup. Make EVERYBODY concerned except Danny. This is just another fucked up adventure in a long string of fucked up adventures. Give him his DNA back. If he has to suffer the Fenton Luck then he should AT LEAST get to keep the Fenton "built like a tank"!
*gets hit again*
*is GREEN now for some reason* The fuck?
Garfield, aka Beast Boy: I HAVE A CLONE SON!?
Danny: Zone DAMN IT not another one!
@ailithnight @hdgnj @nerdpoe @the-witchhunter
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petew21-blog · 29 days
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Poolverine
Spoilers for Deadpool & Wolverine
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Deadpool and Wolverine aproached Cassandra while the others were battling her soldiers. Wolverine was suppressing his rage, Deadpool, on the other hand, was suppressing his words. He was still talking, just not as much as he would normally.
Cassandra Nova was ready for everything. After all, she was here for her whole life. She has seen everything. Even Loki escaping from the void. But now, these two basically immortal beings stood in front of her. One was a bigger paij in the ass than the other.
Deadpool:"Ok, Baldilocks slash wannabe Walter White in your kingdom. We know we had our ups and downs from the moment you killed Johnny, may he rest in peace. We loved him and will never forget him. But I gotta rain on your parade here, and I hope your bald head is not too sensitive for some cold rain drops, because now is the time to let us all go and end this drama show."
Wolverine:"You said you'll be holding back."
Deadpool:"Ohhh, this is holding back. I haven't even started."
Wolverine:"She has the power to kill you with a snap of her fingers, and you still think the best way to stop her is to insult her?"
Cassandra just stood in front of them, speechless.
Deadpool:"I think your X-men spoiled you with all the WE'RE-ALL-IN-THIS-TOGETHER attitude. Well, pal! This is my show, and here, we roast our enemies before we stab them after many unsuccessful attempts, moment of desperation and a collab with Madonna."
Cassandra:"I have no idea what he is on about, but the two of you look like a married couple after twenty years of hating each other's guts. And you know what couple therapists always say to the unfunctional couple?"
Deadpool:"Yep! They say, ‘You either learn to compromise… or one of you learns to hide the body really well.’ So, which one of us is digging tonight, Logan?!"
Cassandra:"I just... How do you put up with him?"
Logan:"I have known him for like 5 hours and killed him several times."
Deadpool:"And so did I! Cute, aren't we?"
Cassandra:"I can't... See each other's perspective and get out of my sight."
The two were now transported via portal back to one of the worlds to empty Xavier mansion.
Deadpool, now in Wolverine's body, stood up and looked down. "Ohhhhh, baby, yesss. Look at these!!!" Wade now popping his new claws. "Snikt! Yeaaaah. Oh, I could get used to this."
Deadpool turned his head to the audience and said:"Hey folks. Not to alarm you. Deadpool is still here, just a slightly broody and hairier version. Only now I got! Claaaaaws!!!" Wade sliced through a nearby painting that immediatelyfell down, destroying a statue on the table. "Whoopsie. Just normal Wolverine collateral damage, am I right?"
Logan:"What the hell is this? Why am I suddenly feeling... chatty? I need to get of this tight red spandex and this horrible mask."
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Deadpool is now doing ridiculous poses in the reflection of a mirror. Screaming and scratching the air. "Look at me, I'm like a Canadian action figure." Wink at the audience.
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Logan:"Stop this Wilson. We need to get Charles."
Deadpool:"Oh I don't know, I got this sudden urge to sing and get a circus. We shouldn't waste time."
They both search the house, but all the X-men are gone.
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Now in the privacy of a small bathroom. Deadpool, stands in front o the mirror, shirtless, flexing. "Ohhhh look at that". He pops out his claws again. "If only I had these babies during my last taco truck robbery .- I mena, purchase."
Deadpool grabs a comb on the sink. "The hair! What an untamed mane. I look like a mix between a badger and a bad scripted shampoo comercial." Then he leans closer to the mirror. "And check out this jawline. Ladies and gents, feast your eyes."
"One, two, three, four, five...six! Finally jackpot. It's really like a washboard for all my dirty clothes. I could do laundry on these bad boys, If I ever did laundry."
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"And what do we have here." Deadpool raises his furry eyebrows, following the hairy trail under, leading to the massive buldge. "Oh Logan, I knew you've been hiding some serious adamantium down here, but damn. No wonder all the X-men want to sleep with you. Pun intended. I mean... If I knew that you had this much heat packed in here, I would have switched with you sooner."
Wade strikes a final pose and blows a kiss to his reflection:"Wolvie, you beautiful, hairy beast, I may never give this body back to you."
Logan enters the bathroom with a scowl, freezing in horror at the sight before him.
Deadpool in Logan's body, completely naked and a little too pleased with his new situation.
"What the hell are you doing, Wade!!!"
"Hey, Wolvie. Just getting acquainted with the goods. Man, you've been holding out for me. Honestly, If there was a claw shooting out of this thing, I wouldn't even be surprised anymore." Wade said with a smile, gripping his hard dick in Logan's face
"Get your filthy hands off my...!" Logan fighting the urge to kill his own body
"Logan, it's your hands, don't forget that. So that means I did nothing wrong. Your body that touched yourself. I haven't touched anything, if you think about it." Towards the audience:"It's like flashbacks from puberty."
"Besides, I only wanted to take your body for a test drive, Logan. You know, making sure that all the gears work before returning the keys. Quality control!"
"If you don't stop now, I'll claw off that smug off your... your real face when we get back" Logan gets closer to his old body, now feeling a strange urge to want him to get closer. Both of the bodies pulling towards each other
Deadpool:"Logan? Did you pay Magneto to get us closer? Cause I feel a strange force pulling me to you and I have to say i don't mind it"
Logan:"I'm not doing anything. I... No way. I'm trying to go away from you"
Deadpool:"Oh yeah, it's happening, baby. My body can't resist this beautiful, hairy pile of muscles, and your body is controlled by one of the most perverted minds alive."
"YOU SICK BASTARD. This is all your twisted head. If you'll be enjoying even a second of this." Logan shouted
Deadpool:"Oh, come on. It's just chemistry. You can't fight it"
Logan:"Gotta get control of this."
Deadpool:"No need for that. Your body's got the hots for me. I'm a walking talking thirst trap now. Give in, big guy. Let's make it weird."
Logan now with his new hands still in spandex, touching his old body. "Wade... When this is over... I'm going to make you regret all of this."
Deadpool:"I'm counting on it. But until then, you're mine"
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Wade pulls of his old mask down from Logan's head:"Ohhh there is that crispy chipsy face I haven't seen for a while". Logan:"Please just shut up"
Their hands our now all over each other. Logan's burly figure standing above Deadpool's figure. Logan's body under Wade's control now pushes his old body towards the wall. Breaking it. They get to Cyclops and Jean's bedroom, now vacant, ready for their action. Dadpool starts making out with his body still on the ground from the collision. Logan wants to fight back, but gives up and makes out with his bearded face. It feels kind of nice, but he can't ever admit that to Wade.
Wade picks up Logan from the ground using his claws, and with their help, he rips of the spandex off of Logan. Scratching him in the process. Logan now moaning in pain, looking deeply into his old eyes. He now understands why many people called him a "beast." He did look like one. But sexy one at that.
Wade threw Logan on the bed. Turning him around. Logan was ready for immediate penetration, but suddenly he felt a moist thing pushing its way between Deadpool's hairy ass. Was he now experiencing rimming? "Wade, no...!"
Deadpool:"Don't worry, sweetpie. I know what my body likes. Just relax, enjoy and don't fart in my face"
Logan has never felt this feeling in such an intimate place. And it wasn't even his body.
Wade now turned Logan to his back. He positioned himself. "Ready? I know you're used to pain, but this might be a bit... unsettling."
Logan:"I can take a bit of pain... AHHHHHHH"
Deadpool."Sorry, boo. Haven't stretched out that thing for quite a while."
He started pushing more and more. At that moment, Logan tried to get up and leave. But something in Logan's body overtook Wade. He took both of his claws and pushed them through Deadpool's body's forearms, securing him in place. Logan screamed in pain. "Why???"
Deadpool:"Don't want you to give up during the best part when it stops hurting"
Sweat was dripping from Logan's body all over Deadpool's. All of Logan's hair were now glistening in sweat.
"Ohhhh moth.... This is so amazing. I feel like a Republican during the Fourth of July" Deadpool screamed out while his claws were still in place.
He picked up the pace, and when he saw that Logan was now moaning in pleasure and not in pain, he took out his claws and just enjoyed the ride.
"Oh Wolvie. I think I'm gonna get you pregnant now."
"Just fuck me!!!"
Now very close to the finish, Deadpool took out his dick and pointed it at his old face, cumming all over his old chest and hitting his body's eye. Logan came too, but on his stomach. He was still mesnerized. How come, through all these years, he never even thought about stimulating his prostate?
Both now watching each other, sweaty, out of breath.
Logan:"You won't tell a soul."
Deadpool looking at the audience, smirking:"Promise"
And at the corner of the room a quiet girly voice spoke out:"Promise". Kitty sunk into the wall leaving embarassed to the next room
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Message from Inbox :)
Yo, i love your writing. And with your last story with Hugh and Ryan....What about their characters?, Wolverine and Deadpool swapping bodies thanks to Cassandra Nova powers that also made them aroused for each other in order to distract them from stopping her. Wade can't help but to give into Logan's body urges to dominate, and Logan just want the voices gone.
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callsign-rogueone · 2 months
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Brennan Sorrengail x chronically ill reader words: 2.5k 🏷: gender neutral reader, use of nicknames sweetheart and honey, implied past FWB-type relationship between reader and Bren. descriptions of pain and sickness (congrats, u now have my symptoms), downward-spiral of self-deprecating thoughts, reader shaming themself for being weak / ill, one (1) suggestion that reader wants to die but they don’t mean it, confessions of love, cuddles.  this may be the most self-serving thing I’ve ever written. I wrote it to process my grief and anger about my current situation, but I figured I’d post it for the Brennan girlies and anyone who feels like I do right now and could use a handsome mender boyfriend to make it all better.
The gentle movement of the mattress and the smell of smoke and soap and leather wakes you from your nap — Brennan is back. You roll over to face him, every muscle in your body protesting the movement. 
“Hi, sweetheart,” he whispers, brushing the hair from your forehead with gentle fingers. “How are you feeling?”
“Same old,” you murmur. 
He lays a hand on your forearm, and the pain dulls. You know better now than to let him block it off completely — he’d done that once before, but when he let go, it was unbearable. 
Better to sit with it, not get used to any relief — it’ll only hurt you further when it all comes back, knock the breath right from your lungs and leave you in a heap on the floor, a mess of knots for him to untangle.
He’s done enough for you already. He does enough for everyone. Never anything for himself. Or if he does, you never see it.
“Was worried about you,” he says softly, still stroking your hair.
The idea of him worrying about you makes you feel sicker than you already are, but a different kind of sick. Guilty, maybe. Disgusted — not with him, but with yourself, for being so fucking weak and needy and such a crybaby. You’re a dragon rider, for gods’ sakes. 
Or you used to be. You haven’t acted like one in months, and haven’t felt like one for longer than that. 
You’d accepted that you’d never fly again, or told yourself that you accepted it, three months ago.
“I can keep fixing the damage, but I don’t know if I can fix what’s causing it,” Brennan had told you in a whisper late one night in this same room, holding you as if he was afraid to let go, that you’d crack and splinter even further if he wasn’t pressing the pieces of you together. 
You used to be able to hold yourself together. You used to be able to do a lot of things. To spar with him, to run with your squad and mount a dragon, swim in the ice-cold streams of Tyrrendor with your friends on days off, to spend hours tangled up in bed with him after lights-out, exerting yourselves in other ways.
But then something came and ruined it all.  You still don’t know what it was — is. It didn’t come quickly — not one big wave that drowned you, not an assailant that shattered bone and sliced through tissue, but a gradual decline that you didn’t notice until it was too late. 
No, you definitely noticed. You just didn’t want to believe it. You made up excuses for everything— reassurances, placating remarks, designed to convince yourself and those around you that there wasn’t anything wrong with you.
You couldn’t sleep through the night, but that was because of the awful things you’d seen that day. But then they started happening even if you hadn’t left the barracks, even if you hadn’t witnessed any horrible sights in weeks.
You couldn’t hold on to your daggers tightly enough, struggled to grip a pen, but that was because you’d injured your hand — but that was only one hand, and months ago. Brennan had mended it for you within minutes of the injury.
Your entire body was aching, all the time, but that was normal with how much riders were required to exert themselves. You just can’t move like you did when you were younger. You aren’t a kid anymore.
But no amount of rest days, no ice or heat or elevation seemed to be enough to recover. That’s the worst of it, really. Being stuck in bed, not by doctor’s orders, not because you physically can’t get up, but because you can’t do anything outside of this room.
Not without pain, anyway, and not without pitying looks and whispered questions about what happened to you — the very same Captain that had rescued an entire squad from certain doom just last year, the most powerful air-wielder in two generations — and concerned words from your colleagues, who miss you, and tell them if you need anything, okay? They’re here for you.
But are they really your colleagues anymore? Is Deòir really your dragon anymore? He hardly speaks to you these days. He’s just too kind to admit that he’s just waiting for you to die, so he can move on, and find a new rider.
Maybe kind isn’t the right word, but you can’t think of a better one right now. It’s hard to think of anything other than how tired and uncomfortable you are.
You used to be top of the class, and now you’re struggling to form complete sentences.
“Talk to me,” Brennan coaxes, still gazing down at you, softness in his eyes.
“You don’t have to keep doing this,” you whisper. 
“What?”
“I know we were… involved for a while,” you say carefully, “but you don’t need to do this for me anymore. You can’t keep worrying about me. It takes up too much time that you just don’t have. You’re running a revolution; you have more important shit to do than to play nurse.”
He furrows his eyebrows in confusion. “Where’s this coming from?” he asks softly. “What happened while I was away?”
“Nothing happened, Brennan. Nothing ever happens in my life anymore, because I spend my entire day, every day, laying here, wishing I was dead.”
You cover your mouth with your hand, but it’s too late. The words are out in the air, and he’s heard them. “I didn’t mean…” you whisper, “I don’t want to die, I just…”
Tears fill your already-blurred vision, but you can see him in front of you, the mass of his chest and shoulders, the slow movement of his arms reaching out to wrap around you and hold you close, to guide you up into his lap.
“I’m just so tired,” you sob, too-long fingernails digging into the black leather of his jacket, your hands too weak to hold on to him properly. “I’m so tired of being tired, and in pain, and feeling useless.”
“I know, sweetheart, I know,” he soothes. “I’ll keep looking. We can look together. We’ll figure out what this is, and how to fix it.”
“We’ve read every book in the library,” you sniff. “We’ve talked to every healer we know.”
“There are other libraries, and other healers,” he replies, as if it’s that simple, that easy. You suppose to him, it is that easy. To him, everything is easy. He’s not the one wasting away here, you are.
Wasting away. Crumbling. Deteriorating.  
Decaying.
“Why aren’t you giving up?” you ask quietly. “I’ve given up. Deò has, too. He hasn’t spoken to me in days.”
You know the answer, and it makes you feel sick, but you need to hear it.
Maybe that’s selfish of you, to make him declare it out loud to you, to your face, when you very well might not be alive this time next year to celebrate an anniversary — not that you’d be able to do much celebrating if you were. But that little part of you, the only part that’s left of the old you, from the reality where this could work, needs it — needs him. 
“Deò hasn’t given up on you. He went with us, as backup — that’s why he wasn’t responding. And I haven’t given up, either. I’ll never give up, because I love you,” he whispers. “I’ve loved you for years, and I’ll keep loving you as long as I live, and well into whatever afterlife I earn, if such a thing exists.”
You loose another sob, your nails scraping the leather as you cling to him tighter, your anchor in this storm, your lifeline, hiding your face in his neck and letting three months worth of tears continue to fall. 
“I’m not going to let go,” he soothes, laying a hand over yours, that’s still feebly clutching at the sleeve of his jacket. “Not until you ask me to.”
You release your grip, the ache lessening as you do, but your knuckles still throb with every beat of your heart; another reminder that even just existing is painful, that your body can���t even move blood around without complaint.
“There you go. Just breathe with me, honey. Nice and slow.”
You don’t know how long you spend there, trying to steady your breathing. Time has seemed to run together lately, somehow both fast and slow — that happens when you lose your routine, and spend half of a normal person’s waking hours asleep, and normal sleeping hours lying awake, enveloped in pain. He continues to murmur praises to you all the while; sweet, reassuring words that you don’t really process. 
“Do you want to lay down?” he asks after a while, his voice soft and gentle. 
He’s always so gentle with you. Endlessly patient, and endlessly caring.
You nod, thoroughly exhausted— the crying had zapped any energy you’d had left. You feel like a little kid again, soft and confused and small. 
Fragile. 
You’re still in your pajamas, anyway, still in bed. You’d only gotten out of it once today, to use the bathroom, but you’d forced yourself to brush your teeth while you were in there, leaning on the counter for stability all the while. That’s your idea of success and productivity these days.
“Okay. Let me take my boots off, hm?” — You nod, pulling back to let him get up. — “Alright. Can I get you anything? Water?”
You shake your head. “Just you,” you whisper. 
“I can do that.” Jacket, boots, and pants off, he settles in with you, letting you cozy up to him in a position that feels the most comfortable— or the least uncomfortable, really. He starts stroking your hair again in soft, slow motions, the weight and warmth of his scarred palm soothing your headache.
It occurs to you that you’d never responded to his declaration — the one you’d needed so badly that you’d nearly asked for it outright — you’d just clung to him and cried, and he’d held you, even though you hadn’t said it back. He’d stroked your hair and calmed you down from your grief over the life you no longer have and can never return to.
He’s still holding you, still dulling the pain in your body and in your soul.
“I love you, Bren,” you murmur. “M’sorry I didn’t say it earlier.”
“It’s okay, sweetheart. I’ve known for a long time.”
“Really?”
He hums softly. “Oh, yeah. Years and years. Since you nearly broke my jaw in challenges and then insisted on personally escorting me to the infirmary.”
You laugh at the memory. “I felt so guilty about that. I didn’t want to hurt you at all. I was pulling my punches.”
It’s his turn to laugh. “It certainly didn’t feel like it.”
There’s a soft pause before he speaks again, hesitant, like he doesn’t want to bring it up again now that your tears have dried, but he knows you haven’t forgotten the pain. You’ll never forget this pain for the rest of your life, even if it goes away.
“When I was in Poromiel, I talked to a healer there who‘s seen something like this before. She wrote down as much as she could before I left, and she promised to ask around and send more information through the boys when they do their next drop-off.”
You cuddle into him closer, ignoring the ache in your back as you do. “Thank you, Bren. I’m sorry for snapping at you earlier. I guess… I’m just still not used to being taken care of. I know it’s dumb, but it makes me feel worse sometimes, even though it’s helping.”
“That’s how I felt,” he says quietly. You both know what he’s talking about— his recovery from being shot in the battle of Aretia, from dying and being brought back to life. “It was always me taking care of the girls when we were young. I was never the one who needed taking care of. It felt wrong, and I felt guilty, and mad at myself for needing the help. But you wouldn’t take no for an answer. You made an excellent nurse, if a little scary.”
“I was scared myself. Seeing you like that…” You swallow. “That’s when I knew that I loved you — you don’t know what you have ‘til it’s gone, I guess.”
“I am very much not gone,” he scoffs, offended. 
“Fine. Slipping away from you,” you correct. 
“Not doing that either. I’m staying right here.” He lays a kiss on the top of your head. “And we are going to have a nice long nap, and then I’m going to draw you a warm bath and make us some dinner, because I like taking care of you, because I love you, and because you deserve it. Okay?”
“Okay.” Another pause while you work up the courage. “Bren?” you ask softly.
“Yes, my love?”
The sweet name is enough encouragement to say it. “Can I kiss you?”
“I thought you’d never ask.”
He holds you in place with a gentle hand on your back, leaning his head down to meet you. You tilt your chin up, your noses brushing.
“This feels familiar,” he muses. “Very familiar.”
You roll your eyes lazily. “If you’re going to be all smug about it, then you don’t get a kiss.”
“Well, we can’t have that.”
You rest a hand on his jaw, guiding him closer. Your fingers twitch and shake, but he holds them steady, his hand pressing yours against the stubbled skin gently — a silent statement that he’s not going anywhere, and he’s ready when you are.
Endlessly patient.
The kiss isn’t desperate and hungry like they had been before your affliction had started, when surges of need and emotion had led you into each other’s beds two nights a week — you aren’t taking from each other now, you’re giving. It’s gentle. Sweet, loving, reassuring.
Each soft movement is a promise, a whispered oath — he’s here, and he isn’t leaving. He’s determined to figure this out and fix it, with you.
You don’t need anything more than that.
He takes your hand, moving it from his jaw to his mouth — kissing your palm. “I love you,” he repeats, pressing his lips to your knuckles. “You’re important to me,” again, to the back of your hand, “and we will get you the help you need. But for now we both just need to rest.”
“Thank you.”
“Always,” he responds, helping you tuck yourself back into his arms, and pulling the blanket up over you both. 
“Goodnight, child,” Deò says softly. “I love you. We will get through this together.”
You’re a little surprised by the declaration — he’s never told you anything like this before — but you return it nonetheless. “Love y’too,” you murmur.
Sleep comes to you easily, and this time, you have a good dream.
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Mother I'm on my knees and begging for a SPICY fallen angel villain × cursed by the devil hero. May thy pen shine and glamor 🙏🏻
The villain let out a relieved moan.
As they could feel it inside them, hard and hateful, they allowed themselves to close their eyes and enjoy the moment. They took in slow breaths, concentrating, preparing.
Eventually, they looked at the hero and a smile tugged at the corners of their mouth.
“Are you flirting with me?” they asked. One of their hands followed the hero’s collarbone.
“You tell me.” The hero pushed further and caught by surprise, the villain laughed breathlessly. They took the hero’s hand.
Back when they’d been an angel, they’d never felt anything like this. It was a new and exciting feeling. Something only a human body could experience like this.
“I swear,” they whispered. “One day, you’ll find yourself on your knees for me.”
“Is that so?” Another push. Another desperate gasp for air. The hero’s fingers dug into their biceps and the villain’s heart raged in its cage. It was cruel, very cruel.
They looked down at the knife in their chest, at the dark blood that ran down their body. By now, the hero’s hand was covered in it. A “mortal” had complete control over them and they weren’t even hiding it.
“You foul creature,” the villain said. The problem was that it hurt. It was an indescribable pain. The villain had been through all kinds of things like this throughout the centuries. Hell, they’d been tortured for the majority of them.
But this knife in their chest and this person in front of them were for some reason much more effective.
The hero was — in their own way — admirable. For a human, they were very brave. Their voice was sweeter than forbidden fruit.
Something about them excited the villain. They awoke something inside them. Something very ancient.
“I didn’t know your blood is red. So human,” the hero said. They dug their fingers close to the wound into the villain’s skin and there was nothing else for the villain to do but to grunt pathetically.
“You are full of surprises.” Their lips brushed the villain’s cheekbones until the hero let go of the blade and stared at its place there in the villain’s chest. “My immortality doesn’t look this pretty.”
“You can’t kill me like this,” the villain whispered. “You’re not the only one who’s cursed. Not the only one who’s been punished.”
They pulled out the blade and let it fall to the ground, eyes wide. It was a horrible feeling, something they hopefully could forget some day. But the hero didn’t seem surprised.
The blood dropped to the ground and formed a little lake.
Clearly, the wound wasn’t closing right away. The villain knew it would take over an hour for them to see the scar. Usually, the bones would take much longer. Blood wasn’t a problem. They had bled for hours, years, centuries before.
“I would have killed you a long time ago,” the villain said. They put their head on the hero’s shoulder, almost embracing them in a strange hug. “I didn’t know your patience back then. I didn’t know your dedication.”
The hero pulled them closer and the blood dropped down the hero’s stomach as well.
“Do you like it? Do you like the way I am?”
“I do,” the villain said. “You are delightful, even though you try to kill me all the time.”
I want to kiss you. What does it feel like? What does it feel like to kiss someone?
“You know I cannot stop.”
“I don’t want you to. I hated you for that as well. I didn’t see you. But now I do,” the villain said. They could barely breathe. Their damaged lungs were filling up with blood but their self-healing body sew them back together. They were on the edge of drowning the entire time. “And I will keep haunting you.”
It was quite clear to the villain now. For the first time in their life, they had a real desire.
“Then I will keep killing you to lift the curse,” the hero whispered. “I look forward to the next centuries.”
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destinyisastar · 7 days
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Static Death
Summary: In Static Heart you died in your sleep but how? How did you die if it wasn't from sickness? What lead to your death?
This could be read as a prequel from Static Heart, this won't be a series, but I'll go back to it every now and then.
Alastor x Wife Reader
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Alastor died three days ago. He was shot in the head with his body ripped apart by the hunter’s dogs. He was supposedly found next to a corpse of a local man. There was a shovel and an open grave nearby.
You had no idea what was going on when you awoke from the sounds of knocking. Two police men were at the door.
“Are you the Wife of Alastor Hartfelt?” The taller of two said.
“Yes, did something happen? Is my Husband okay?” you asked worriedly.
 The two men looked at each other, “Its better if you come with us Mrs. Hartfelt.”
Once you arrived at the police station you were immediately questioned.
“Where were you two hours ago?”
“At home getting ready for bed.”
“Where was your husband?”
“He told me he would be working late at the radio station.”
“Are you sure about his whereabouts?”
“Yes, I’m sure, what are you implying?”
“I’m saying can you confidently tell me you knew where he was?”
“Yes, I’m positive! Where’s my husband?”
“Your husband was found dead alongside another man!”
Your eyes widen, your breath is knocked out of you.
“What…..?”
“We have reason to believe that your husband was the Bayou Butcher, we have people over there right now searching for more bodies, along with your property!”
“NO! No there’s no way that he…he’s that serial killer, my husband is a sweet gentleman. He would never do such a thing!”
“You say whatever you need to make yourself feel better! We know the truth and we’ll have the proof soon enough!”
The police searched the area where Alastor was found and located over 50 bodies.
While you were being questioned, the police searched your house. In the basement of your humble adobe, the home you shared with your loving husband, were blooded knives and a long sleeve tainted with dried blood.
The police kept you at the station till they finally figured out that you had no idea of your husband’s evil deeds.
Now its three days after his death.
You wanted a funeral for him but of the two funeral homes in your area neither of them wanted to host a ceremony for a serial killer.
Serial killer.
Your husband is, no… was a serial killer.
You begged and begged, shoved money in their faces until one of them looked at you with pity.
It was just you and the priest. No one else showed up. He was buried near a tree across the bayou from your home. Away from anyone that could damage the grave
After the priest left, you stayed near the grave. Kneeling down resting your head on the cold stone, placing a final kiss you stood up walking away from your dear husband, your dead and buried husband.
Making it home you went straight to your bedroom, collapsing on his side of the bed. You immediately began sobbing.
“How could you do this?!”
“Why did you do this?!”
“Alastor!!”
You eventually cry yourself to sleep.
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In another part of town, a woman was cleaning her shotgun.
“Disgusting, horrible man. He deserves more than death, hell… I hope he’s in hell forever.”
The woman grabs a photo on her nightstand.
“Don’t worry my love,” she caresses the man’s face in the photo, “I won’t let that filthy broad walk on this earth.”
She presses a kiss on the photo. “Neither of them deserves to live!” she places the photo back on the nightstand. “That filthy woman knew what that killer was doing!”
“I’ll make her pay.”
“I’ll make sure they’re both in hell”
The woman stands up with her shotgun in hand and looks into the mirror.
“I’ll kill that bitch.”
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The woman stands at the door of the Hartfelt household. She reaches for the knob and finds that it opens easily.
She maneuvers through the halls quietly and finds a door ajar.
Pushing the door lightly, the woman steps into the bedroom. On the bed lays a disheveled broad clutching on to a pillow, her face dried with tears.
“I hate you.”
The woman loads her gun.
“You are filled with the same evil as that husband of yours.”
The woman raises her gun, pointing it at the figure on the bed.
“Burn in hell!”
A blast is shot through your head, blood splatters across the room.
Your life among the living is no more.
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Hope you all enjoyed!
destinyisastar 2024
Word Count: 737
(no one asked for this, but I just wanted to make it :D)
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helloalycia · 7 months
Text
𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐅𝐈𝐑𝐒𝐓 𝐌𝐎𝐕𝐄 [𝐎𝐍𝐄] — 𝐉𝐀𝐂𝐊𝐈𝐄 𝐓𝐀𝐘𝐋𝐎𝐑
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two / masterlist / wattpad
summary: when you break your arm in the plane crash, Jackie seems to be helping you out more than usual and you're left wondering why.
warning/s: mentions of a plane crash, amputation, broken bones.. the usual warnings that come with Yellowjackets lol.
author's note: this has been ready for a while now, as have a few other things whilst i work on some old requests. sorry for the delay with everything - i’ve been very busy, but i hope you like this two part jackie imagine :)
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I could hear screaming and shouting, there was smoke everywhere and, despite my confusion, I knew I needed to get out of here before the smoke suffocated me.
Clipping off my seatbelt, I scrambled out of the aisle and briefly looked around, unable to make sense of anything, and then my head was spinning and I couldn't stay here any longer. Fresh air. I needed to breathe and then I could work out what was what.
Following the sound of screaming seemed counterproductive, but that was the way out, so I dragged my body – which felt like it had been thrown around in a blender – out the back of the plane and to... the middle of the forest?
The team. Some of them were running around, doing all sorts I couldn't seem to focus on, whilst others were bent over, catching their breath, appearing dazed and confused like me. I didn't get long to think about how I'd ended up here when, suddenly, someone shoved into me from behind and I fell forward, landing right on my outstretched arm.
A scream escaped my lips at the pain that struck, it breaking through the fog of confusion. I squeezed my eyes shut, tears pricking them instinctively, and tried to breathe through the pain. Pushing myself up with my other hand, I grimaced at the slight movement of my left arm, which had to be broken considering I couldn't do anything with it.
It wasn't until after all the chaos, after everybody had stopped screaming and vomiting and crying, that the realisation that our plane had crashed hit us. And by then, I was too preoccupied with my broken arm. Imagine coming out of a plane crash unscathed, only to get pushed down and left with a broken arm. Very stupid, indeed.
Surprisingly, Misty was the only one who could work under pressure, barely fazed by everything happening and instead tending to everyone's injuries as quickly as she could. Upon realising I'd broken my arm, she immediately made me her best attempt at a splint using some sticks and an old ripped shirt, as well as helping me into a makeshift sling using the same ripped shirt. Given the circumstances, it was as good as a cast, but she didn't know the extent of the damage and I couldn't do anything more.
The first two days were a struggle, mainly because nobody knew what to do nor where to go. That was when the horrible acceptance of losing several members of our team, including one of our coaches, hit everyone hard. We all pitched in to bury them, though I wasn't able to do much with my arm, and held a funeral for them.
After the funeral ended, everybody stuck together in the vicinity of the crash. A few lingered away, probably trying to figure out where the hell we were, but I just wanted a sense of familiarity and stayed to open my suitcase which I'd luckily found. Unfortunately for me, the zipper required two hands, and only one of mine seemed to be available right now.
"Hey."
I sighed, looking up to see Jackie Taylor, the soccer team captain, standing there with her arms hugging herself. I hadn't spoken to her properly since before we set off, she'd mostly just stuck with Shauna, her best friend.
"Hey," I greeted, unsure what she wanted.
She nodded to my terrible sling. "How's your arm?"
"Very painful," I admitted, "but coach literally lost his leg, so I can't complain."
She frowned at my words, but it wasn't exactly an exaggeration. Misty had quite literally chopped Coach Scott's leg off when he got it trapped under the wing of the plane, and it wasn't an easy thing to deal with physically or mentally. A broken arm was nothing compared to an amputation.
"How are you?" I asked. She didn't look hurt, just tired and scared like the rest of us.
She shrugged helplessly, and I didn't need any elaboration. I nodded, acknowledging her, and then she said, "Do you need help with whatever you're doing?"
I looked down, remembering the dumb suitcase I couldn't open. "That would be great actually, yes. Can you hold it whilst I unzip it?"
She nodded and kneeled down, acting as my other hand whilst I unzipped my suitcase. It was a relief to finally open it, seeing everything was as I'd left it before we boarded the plane. That felt like a lifetime ago now.
"If you need help with anything else, just ask," Jackie said, making me look up to see her watching me.
Grateful, I offered her a small smile. "Thanks, Jackie."
She returned the smile, though it didn't reach her eyes. She'd been the first to offer her help in the first place, since everyone was preoccupied by their own trauma, so I appreciated it. Truthfully, the last person I expected to offer help was Jackie, since she usually thought of herself first.
"You should get some medication off Misty," she added. "It'll help with the pain."
I swallowed hard, smile fading. "Right. Thanks."
She nodded and left, glancing at me once more as she did. I didn't really question it as I looked back at my suitcase, distracting myself from the pain.
Later that day, Misty found me instead, immediately pouring out the medication she'd collated from everyone's suitcases in front of me.
"Misty, what are you–?"
"I've got some pills for you," she said nonchalantly.
"Oh, my arm doesn't hurt that much," I lied. "Coach needs–"
"There's enough for Ben, silly," she said with a laugh, making me quirk a brow. "Besides, it's not for your pain, though it will help with that, it's for the inflammation. Without surgery, that's gonna take a while to heal and anything we have can help."
I sighed, nodding. "Alright. Thanks."
"I'll give you them every dose," she said, before holding out two pills. "Here you go."
I silently accepted them, knowing they'd help but feeling bad that I'd be taking them when Coach Scott needed them more.
Finding the lake and the cabin was a lifesaver, literally. We needed water and somewhere to sleep that wasn't so out in the open, and I was already struggling to sleep as it was so at least being inside made it a little easier.
Oddly enough, over the next few days since moving into the cabin, I'd noticed Jackie staring at me. If I ever caught her eye, she'd look the other way or flash me a smile before awkwardly doing something else. I wasn't sure what was up, and it only became more questionable when she'd help me out if I needed it.
There was one time when I was trying to pull my shoes on, but struggling to tie the laces with my one good arm.
"Here, I got it," she said, coming out of nowhere to lean down in front of me and take over.
I watched her with curiosity, letting her tie my laces. She must've caught me staring as she looked up, eyes bright as they met mine.
"What?" she asked, standing back up.
I shook my head. "Nothing... thanks."
She nodded, smiling a little before leaving me be. And that wasn't it. Other times I'd be trying to carry something and she'd take it from me without a word, or I'd be pulling on a shirt and she'd quite literally help me into it. It was odd, because she'd never paid me any mind before, and wasn't very helpful to others. The other girls aided me when they occasionally saw me struggling, but not as much as Jackie.
Another time, I was struggling to sleep in my makeshift bed on the floor of the cabin. Everybody had fallen asleep hours ago, but my movement was restricted because of my arm and the shuffling I was doing was only bothering me more.
"You move a lot," a voice said in the firelight, startling me.
I looked over the room, past my sleeping team members, and saw it was Jackie laying on her side next to Shauna but facing me.
"Sorry," I mumbled guiltily. "Did I wake you?"
She shrugged, not answering my question, before saying, "Try elevating your arm."
"What?"
"That's why you can't sleep, right?" she asked.
I blinked, surprised she'd even noticed. "Yeah."
She sat up slowly, stretching, before crossing the room to grab what looked like a jacket. My eyes followed her as she moved, then she rolled it up before kneeling down beside me and placing it underneath my bad arm. I winced as she did so carefully, glancing at me apologetically, but then I relaxed my arm on top of the jacket and breathed out slowly.
"Is that better?" she asked quietly. "Won't be touching the ground now."
I nodded. "Yeah. Thanks, Jackie."
"No problem," she said, before returning to her bed. "Goodnight."
"Goodnight," I replied, very tired and very confused.
That was when I knew I needed to ask her why she was being so considerate, so out of character, at least to me anyway. The next morning, after I'd done the one thing I could do with my arm which was collecting water from the lake when we needed it, I was bringing it to Akilah who was boiling it over the fire. Unfortunately, I tripped over a stone on the way, almost dropping the bucket. Jackie came out of nowhere, taking it from my hand and leaving it with Akilah before returning to me.
"You okay?" she asked with a raised brow, hand wavering over my arm.
I tilted my head curiously. "I– yeah. I just..."
She smiled with confusion, shaking her head. "What is it?"
I stared at her like she'd grown a second head. "Why do you keep helping me? Checking on me?"
She scoffed playfully, looking away before saying, "I'm still your captain. Gotta make sure the team's okay, right?"
I narrowed my eyes suspiciously, but I didn't have anything else to believe, so I gave in with a nod. "Yeah..."
"Take it easy," she said, eyes flickering to my arm before she left me.
Since we'd been stranded here, I'd only rinsed off in the lake once. That was a week ago when we found it, but I knew I needed to bathe properly and, after taking my shower gel, shampoo and conditioner, I headed for the lake. Washing my body was a struggle because of my arm, which had swollen so much to the point that even accidentally grazing my body with it sent a shot of pain in me.
I managed to wash my body the best I could, getting my tee-shirt sling wet but unable to do much else, then struggled to wash my hair. It was stupid, the fact that I couldn't even open a bottle of shampoo with one hand and squeeze it out. So much that I got overwhelmed with how useless I'd been feeling lately and threw it behind me onto the shore. Sulking, I stayed sitting in the water, submerged up to my legs in my bra and underwear.
I missed home. I missed my mum and my dad and my sister. I missed playing soccer. I even missed school. But most importantly, I missed having two working arms and not constantly being in pain. The longer we stayed out here, the more we established a routine, the less likely it felt we would be rescued. It was all piling on top of me, my uselessness being the cherry on top.
Staring out into the horizon, I frowned. Ten more minutes must have passed with me giving up on washing my hair when I heard footsteps not far behind me. I didn't bother turning around, but then whoever it was called me.
"Hey!"
Sighing deeply, I glanced over my shoulder, so fed up with everything that even my usual surprise at Jackie's presence didn't affect me.
"You not coming out?" she asked, stood at the edge of the water, hands on her hips.
I resisted the urge to roll my eyes and ignored her, looking forward again. Maybe she'd get the hint and leave me alone. Of course, she didn't.
"What's wrong?" she asked, and I pulled my knees up to my chest, hugging them.
"Nothing," I said, voice muffled.
I heard her sigh from behind me before her footsteps approached me, her feet splashing in the water.
"I'm bathing," I told her knowingly. "A little privacy would be nice."
She snorted with amusement before I heard her shuffling. Confused, I turned around and saw her pulling off her shorts before throwing them onto the rocky shore with her slippers, leaving her in her underwear and tee shirt.
"What are you doing?" I asked, puzzled.
She ignored me, instead grabbing the shampoo bottle I'd thrown back. Glancing at it and to me, she quirked a brow sarcastically. "This yours?"
I rolled my eyes and faced forward again, not bothering to acknowledge her presence as she seemed to be approaching me again. Only when she stood in front of me, blocking my view, and kneeled down to look at me was I forced to meet her gaze.
"D'you need help?" she asked softly, considerately.
Embarrassed, I looked down to my knees. Was it that obvious that I was struggling? Why was she the only one to check on me? The only one to notice? Why did she even care?
"Will you let me help you?" she asked when I didn't speak, and I finally looked up.
"Why?" I asked helplessly. "What's the point?"
She sat down cross-legged, unbothered by the water that was lapping against the bottom of her shirt. "For one, the smell in the cabin would go down significantly."
Realising she was joking, humour sparkling in her earth-coloured eyes, I scoffed and looked the other way. She began to laugh before patting my knee.
"Come on," she pleaded, laughter fading into a hopeful smile. "Please."
I didn't want anybody's help, especially not hers. But I needed it, and if she was being so kind as to come out here just to make sure I was okay, maybe it wasn't all so bad.
With a reluctant nod, I let her wash my hair for me, glad I wouldn't have to cause an ache in my other arm trying to do it. It was quiet as she did it, other than when she instructed me to dip my head in the water to wash out the shampoo and conditioner. Her fingers were delicate when she worked, massaging my head and putting me at ease instantly. I was still surprised at her aid, considering she'd always been preoccupied by herself or Shauna.
After I was done, she moved back in front of me, about to speak, but then her eyes caught sight of my swollen arm in my cast and widened.
"Woah, that looks painful," she noticed.
"Thanks," I said sarcastically.
"Are you taking the medicine Misty is giving you?" she asked with concern.
I tried not to hesitate as I nodded, lying. Truthfully, I hadn't been taking the medicine since a few days ago, as I knew Coach Scott's leg was at risk of infection if he didn't have enough. Besides, I'd taken some and the swelling had been going down. This was a bad day is all. Kind of.
"Okay, well...," she started, eyes lingering on my arm with an unreadable expression, before she stood up and held out her hand. "You're done. Come on."
I accepted her hand and she led me back to the shore, kindly helping me back into my clothes. After pulling her shorts and shoes on, I instantly hugged her with my good arm, certainly surprising her.
"Thanks, Jackie," I said sincerely, pulling back and seeing her raised eyebrows. "You don't know how good you're being."
She smiled, preoccupied. "Don't. I'm just helping."
I begged to differ, but she wasn't in the mood to hear it and I wasn't going to fight her on it. Instead, I just offered her a small smile before we both headed back to the cabin together.
Later that day, I was sat in the woods for some alone time, perched on a log and reading my book, when suddenly something was thrown right at me, startling me.
"What the hell?!" Jackie shouted, and I looked up to see she'd found me and was furious.
Confused, I looked to see what she'd thrown at me, only to realise it was the medication I hadn't been taking. Oh, no.
"You aren't taking it!" she shouted with exasperation.
I looked up to her, still baffled. "How did you even–”
"I'm not stupid," she snapped, before taking a deep breath to contain herself.
"It doesn't matter," I said calmly. "Coach needs them more. He's literally lost his leg and–"
"Why do you keep belittling your injury?!" she asked in a broken voice. "Nobody needs a hero, Y/N, just take the damn meds!"
The patronising tone she was using was it for me, and I suddenly stood up, unable to let her make me feel bad anymore.
"Why the hell do you even care, Jackie?" I retorted.
Taken aback, she raised her eyebrows before crossing her arms and avoiding my eyes. "I'm the cap–"
"Nobody gives a shit about that anymore!" I cut her off, before glaring at her. "You never paid me any mind before, so what gives now, huh? Did Jackie fucking Taylor suddenly grow a heart?"
She scoffed, rolling her eyes.
"Seriously, why the hell do you care all of a sudden?" I continued. "Why do you–?"
"Because it's my damn fault!" she said, and my anger was momentarily replaced by further confusion. She continued to ramble, "I didn't mean to, but the plane was on fire and Shauna was going to get hurt and I just rushed out of there without thinking and I didn't mean to push you and then you broke your arm and I feel guilty, okay?!"
Furrowing my brows, I studied her as she took a deep breath. Though she was stressed by her admission of guilt, I was oddly calm.
"That was just an accident," I said, unsure why it mattered to her so much. "If that's why you've been helping me, why you've been keeping an eye on me... you can stop. I'm not dying."
"Yeah, now," she said knowingly, guilt-laden eyes meeting mine, "but when a fucking bear comes out of nowhere and tries to eat you, what are you gonna do with one arm?"
It took me a second to realise she was dead serious, and I tried very hard not to smile.
"If a bear tried to eat me and I had my arm, I'd still get eaten," I said matter-of-factly. "You think I can take on a bear?"
She groaned with discontent. "You don't get it!"
I covered my mouth, struggling not to smile in front of her and piss her off more. She only fixed me with a classic Jackie glare.
"Just take the fucking meds," she said threateningly, in a way that was reminiscent of a cute dog barking, before storming off.
Admittedly, I had to pause and think about what the hell just happened, still a little lost. All this time, she'd been helping me out of guilt? She blamed herself for my broken arm? It was an accident and she couldn't have known what would happen. Tensions were high, it was chaos! I couldn't blame her even if I tried. It was almost laughable how she'd reacted, though at least it explained her sudden interest in my welfare.
When I returned to the cabin after her outburst, she glanced at me once but didn't bother speaking to me. And when I thought it would be a temporary thing, she began to ignore me over the next few days, actively avoiding me. If it weren't to share the cabin to sleep, she'd either completely leave the space I was in or go as far away from me as she possibly could. Could've been guilt, anger or embarrassment, I wasn't sure, but I knew it was extremely childish.
I was filling up a bottle of water from our basin when she rounded the corner and saw me, clearly wanting to do the same judging from her own bottle in hand. One glance my way and she was ready to leave, but I decided to make the first move after a week of not speaking.
"I'm not gonna bite," I pointed out.
She clenched her jaw with indifference. "I know."
A smile ghosted my lips as I focused on filling my bottle, and she surprisingly approached the basin and did the same. It was silent, the sound of our movement filling the air, but she was still tense beside me. It felt all wrong, especially after how supportive she'd been since we got here.
"I'm taking my medicine by the way," I said casually, but I wanted her to know that she hadn't wasted her breath. I'd listened.
"That's good," she spoke after a moment, trying not to sound too bothered.
"Yeah, I wasn't going to, but then this angry soccer player who was crushing under the immense guilt from foreshadowing my improbable yet supposedly imminent death by bear made me feel bad," I continued calmly.
She paused her action, glancing at me with a look of disbelief, and I couldn't hold in my laughter any longer. Her expression was priceless.
"Asshole," she muttered, but she was clearly trying not to smile.
I capped my bottle before saying, "This is awkward. Stop avoiding me, please. I don't hate you or anything. And you don't need to keep checking on me out of guilt. We can just... go back to normal, whatever that was."
She gave me a disapproving glance. "It wasn't just out of guilt."
I raised an eyebrow. "No?"
"Believe it or not, Y/N, I do care about you," she said, surprising me. And then she added quickly, "I care about everyone here."
Heart warming at her words, I began to feel bad for what I'd said to her when we argued. "Thanks," I said quietly. "And I'm sorry for what I said, about you suddenly growing a heart. Wasn't nice at all. Or true."
She shrugged awkwardly, looking down. "It's okay. I've been a bit selfish lately. I know the girls say it. Even Shauna thinks it.”
I looked over at her, noticing the conflicted expression she wore. Underneath her confident, cool girl demeanour was just a normal teenager like everyone else, and right now, she looked more and more like that.
"Not always," I reminded her, hoping she knew that I was still grateful for what she'd done for me since the crash, guilt or no guilt.
She exhaled softly, an appreciative smile on her lips, and I was beginning to question if breaking my arm was worth giving me a reason to get to know Jackie Taylor in a different way.
When there wasn't the threat of survival creeping up on us, or the fear of being stranded away from our lives back home forever, there was complete and utter boredom. There was only so many times you could play the same card games or read the same books without wanting to smack your head against a wall.
I realised soon enough that I missed playing soccer and one  day when I was having a wander near the cabin, I began to subconsciously kick around an acorn. That was where acorn soccer began. Now, whenever I was fed up doing the same thing all the time, I'd go into a little clearing near the cabin and start kicking around an acorn to have a sense of normalcy.
This time, as I was dribbling the acorn around some sticks, I heard someone approaching and glanced up to see it was Jackie.
"What are you doing?" she asked with both amusement and curiosity.
"Playing soccer," I said like it was obvious, before kicking the acorn in the air towards her. Instinctively, she caught it with her foot, stabilising it and letting it hit the ground gently. I cracked a smile, saying, "Someone's not lost their touch."
She rolled her eyes, a smile threatening to break out on her lips. "So this is where you disappear to?"
I quirked a brow. "Why? You keeping tabs?"
"You wish you were that interesting," she retorted, kicking around the acorn.
"Interesting enough for you to track down, clearly," I teased.
She glanced at me with a glint of humour in her eyes. "Maybe I just needed to make sure the bear didn't get you."
I grinned. "Aw, you do care! Nice to know you have my back."
At this, she finally let out a laugh, teeth showing and eyes sparkling and in such a way that I couldn't help but admire how pretty she looked right now.
"Okay, where's the goal?" she asked after a moment, pausing from kicking around the acorn.
"What?"
She gave me a look. "I'm bored too, now c'mon."
I chuckled and began to explain to her the unimpressive yet fulfilling setup I had, which consisted of me kicking the acorn between two trees as a 'net'. Once she was caught up, we found a bigger acorn together and began to play.
It was almost like we were back at soccer practice, playing and having fun and not having to worry about any impending doom. I'd forgotten how good it could feel to just be, and I'd especially forgotten how good Jackie was at soccer, making for the perfect opponent.
She scored for the third time and raised her hands in the air as she cheered for herself. "Hell yeah!"
"You see, this is why we got to nationals," I reminded her, making her laugh.
"God, I forgot how fun soccer was," she said with a sigh. "Clever idea with the acorn."
I shrugged. "Boredom struck. Creativity thrived."
She snickered, hands on her hips, before nodding at my arm. "Should you even be playing with your arm like that?"
I quirked a brow. "What you gonna do? Rat me out to Misty?"
She snorted with amusement. "She's too busy with Coach Scott to care."
I tried not to laugh, knowing Misty had been enjoying herself a little too much with looking after Coach Scott and his leg. It was clear she liked him, and though he was aware of how inappropriate it was, he had no choice but to accept her help. Yeah, the last thing on Misty's mind was if I was playing acorn soccer or not.
"Okay, you ready for the next one?" Jackie asked, already kicking the acorn into the centre to start again. "I might just take it easy on you this time. Y'know, because you're at a disadvantage."
I glared at her playfully, ignoring the way her cocky grin made me feel. "Game on, Taylor."
Since that point, I'd found myself looking out for Jackie a little more than usual. I guess you could say she'd piqued my interest more than she ever had. Back home, she was my team captain and that was it. We never really hung out outside of practice or soccer parties because our circles never crossed over. Now though, with her looking out for me and hanging out with me more, I was beginning to develop a little crush on her.
I would've been insane not to. She was funny, flirty, smart and she always knew what she wanted. And it was probably silly of me to crush on the one girl I could never get, but it certainly made my current situation a bit more manageable. Nothing like a teenage crush to get your mind off reality.
I liked to think I was subtle with it, the whole checking out Jackie every now and then. It was only when she was a fair distance away and there was no chance she would spot me. But one morning, as I was helping Akilah boil some more water from the lake, I spotted Jackie walking out of the cabin with Shauna. It was nothing different, but for some reason, she just looked extra stunning this morning. I wasn't sure what it was – possibly my own delusion – but I couldn't stop stealing looks at her.
And then she glanced my way, catching my eye, and before I could even react, embarrassed I'd been caught out, a knowing smile appeared on her lips and she winked playfully before paying her attention back to Shauna. I swallowed, flustered, and didn't look at her again for the rest of the day. Stupid crush.
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star-anise · 7 months
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reading supercut: disability, body image, and trauma
A glimpse into the clothes thrashing around in the washing machine of my mind, with apologies that it is still a wet lump and not an actual synthesis of ideas.
From Easy Beauty: A Memoir by Chloé Cooper Jones:
[This event] embedded a damaging idea in me, one I’d recognize deeply when I read Scarry years later: beauty was a matter of particulars aligning correctly. My body put me in a bracketed, undercredited sense of beauty. But if I could get the particulars lined up just right, I could be re-seen, discovered like the palm tree is discovered. To be deserving of the whole range of human desires, I had to be extraordinary in all other aspects. In this new light, I started to see my work, my intellect, my skills, my moments of humor or goodness, not as valuable in themselves, but as ways of easing the impact of my ugliness. If only I could pile up enough good qualities, they could obscure my unacceptable body. [...] accepting the argument that beauty was malleable came, for me, with a cost. The Platonian view rejected me cleanly, but Hume and Scarry left a door ajar and I’ve spent a lifetime trying to contort my form to see if I could pass through it.
From Til We Have Faces: A Myth Retold by CS Lewis:
I now determined that I would go always veiled. I have kept this rule, within doors and without, ever since. It is a sort of treaty made with my ugliness. There had been a time in childhood when I didn't yet know I was ugly. Then there was a time (for in this book I must hide none of my shames or follies) when I believed, as girls do — and as Batta was always telling me — that I could make it more tolerable by this or that done to my clothes or my hair. Now, I chose to be veiled.
From Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy of Borderline Personality Disorder by Marsha Linehan:
Inhibited grieving is understandable among borderline patients. People can only stay with a very painful process or experience if they are confident that it will end some day, some time—that they can "work through it," so to speak. It is not uncommon to hear borderline patients say they feel that if they ever do cry, they will never stop Indeed, that is their common experience—the experience of not being able to control or modulate their own emotional experiences. [...] In the face of such helplessness and lack of control, inhibition and avoidance of cues associated with grieving are not only understandable, bur perhaps wise at times. Inhibition, however, has its costs. [...] Volkan (1983) describes an interesting phenomenon, "established pathological mourning", which is similar to the pattern I am describing. In established pathological mourning, the individual wishes to complete mourning, but at the same time persistently attempts to undo the reality of the loss.
From How to Respond to Criticism by Danny Lavery:
Apologize, but don’t really mean it, and plant a seed of secret resentment so deep in your own heart that years later you can’t even remember that you’re the one who nurtured it and made it grow, it seems that much like a native part of you.
From Tiny Beautiful Things by Cheryl Strayed:
[After learning that state child protective services had made a budgetary decision to only intervene with children under 12, to one of the teenagers that regularly shared stories of abuse at home] I told her it was not okay, that it was unacceptable, that it was illegal and that I would call and report this latest, horrible thing. But I did not tell her it would stop. I did not promise that anyone would intervene. I told her it would likely go on and she’d have to survive it. That she’d have to find a way within herself to not only escape the shit, but to transcend it [...] I told her that escaping the shit would be hard, but that if she wanted to not make her mother’s life her destiny, she had to be the one to make it happen. She had to do more than hold on. She had to reach. She had to want it more than she’d ever wanted anything. She had to grab like a drowning girl for every good thing that came her way and she had to swim like fuck away from every bad thing. She had to count the years and let them roll by, to grow up and then run as far as she could in the direction of her best and happiest dreams across the bridge that was built by her own desire to heal.
From Essays in Aesthetics by Jean-Paul Sartre:
Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you.
From "I Know What You Think of Me" by Tim Kreider:
if we want the rewards of being loved we have to submit to the mortifying ordeal of being known.
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Some colorized bits from my recent free printable zine WHY WE MASK: It's Not "Just A Cold"! I purposefully made the whole thing b&w to make printing as cheap as possible, but it's fun to add color especially to the snot-splosions.
HEY COMICS FRIENDS going to SPX or other cons this weekend - MASK UP, EAT OUTDOORS, and REST if you start feeling run down. COVID-19 levels are BAD bad right now (it's currently the worst September out of the whole pandemic) and the government does not have our backs. This virus causes YEARS worth of horrible vascular, neurological, and immune system damage, and each infection raises your chances of gaining fun new disabilities that could prevent you ever making comics again.
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I strongly advice cancelling festivals, cons, indoor dining, anything involving crowds indoors OR outdoors, etc. But I know people depend on income from cons, so: PACK MASKS, NASAL SPRAY, and CPC MOUTHWASH and actually use them! If you develop any COVID-19 symptoms (headaches, dizziness, nausea, stomach pain, diarrhea, sore throat, sore joints, etc) don't assume it's "just a cold". Stay in your dang hotel room and REST! You can TRY to "push through" to keep tabling but you are NOT gonna like the long-term results (aka Long COVID).
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I care about all you comics people and I want you to enjoy many more decades of making and sharing and reading comics with each other. If you're feeling sick at a show this weekend and don't know what to do, drop me a line! No judgements. Take care of yourself and each other out there and remember, no one can rest your body for you but you.
(Image Descriptions are in the Alt Text. Also please feel free to print my zine and hand it out if you do go)
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chemerr2 · 4 months
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i’m not sure if you’re taking requests but…. if you are comfy with it, could you please supply the thirsty jeff sluts with a smut? :,)
plot could be something where y/n and jeff don’t get along at all and constantly fight but one night they just say fuck it and give in to each other and😏😏😏 but like hateful maybe.. but still passionate🤭
hi sorry anon i’ve been MIA lol but i haven’t given up writing tho.
a/n: i like this request and hateful sex with jeff is indefinitely sexy 🙈
warnings: rough sex like..very rough sex, degrading, reader cries, cumshot and a bunch of swearing.
god you hated the way his eyes pierced into the back of your head after you walk pass him or how he purposely tried to trip you up but you caught yourself in time before falling face first on the hard dirty floor. He picks with everyone, but you’re his favorite victim to terrorize when you try to enjoy your evening;minding your business.
It wasn’t too long before you got fed up and started to yell at him for how he treats you: the rude and offhandedly comments he makes about you for literally just existing. But you expressing your discomfort didn’t cause any realization to what he was doing..it just went one ear out the other. He’d continue to fuck with you all day by saying mean things, taking or moving your things around and doing something reall petty. It’s only fair that you start to mirror his actions and attitude, right? when you did: oh boy jeff was far from pissed, he wanted to paint his bedroom wall red with your brains after you start doing the same shit he does to you; to him.
you push him around, nudge him, make fun of him, purposely take the last of everything so he sits there like a angry pup watching you eat the last of his food. How you break his things and call him names 10x hurtful than the ones he’s called you beforehand. He HATED this treatment, he hated the way his own medicine tasted so he decided to spit it out by busting into your room: head full of shit to do and say to you.
as your sitting on your bed doing nothing, he barges in your room, looking down at you. “what the fuck? get out my room.” you say annoyed, beyond pissed he had the audacity to even touch your doorknob. “you’re stinking up my laundry” you chuckle to yourself but when he slams your bedroom door you look over at him and he’s still peering down at you. No matter how pale and damaged his skin is: in the face you can see him turn red out of anger and the way his brows are practically connected from being furrowed. Now you’re beyond nervous and angry, because: One. what are his intentions? Two. You don’t want him in your room!! but jeff doesn’t know what a no is anyways, he rejects the rejection. Looking back at him— he starts to speak— and to no avail, straight bullshit comes out his dirty trap “i’m tired of you talking to me crazy and saying the fucked up ass shit” he inches closer “sometimes you just need to shut the fuck up, y/n” he got close to where his abdomen was touching yours from the way his posture is horribly constructed but he was still close enough for you to feel his hot breath washing over your mixed face of emotions.
in a whiff: he grabs your backside, squeezing your fat, spongy ass in his large, coarse hands; dirty nails digging deep into your skin. — pulling you close to him. You can’t lie to yourself anymore.. you had to admit: his deep and raspy voice turned you on. Especially when he yelled at you and laughed in your face. His voice was alluring in a way; definitely when he hurt your feelings. So you didn’t fight back when he slipped one of his hands underneath your shirt. With no bra on: he began fondling your tits and rubbing over your nipples with his thumb. No words were said as he began helping himself to your body: licking your tits, sucking them, biting your nipples, pinching them, slapping your tits around, grabbing your ass cheeks and spreading them while your still in your pajama pants. Finally, he’s done playing around! your shirt is barely off all the way; only being partially off to get a view of your tits. your chest is wet with his spit and you swear your pussy juice is sliding down your leg from how wet you are.
you lay yourself down on the bed, being submissive. Jeff unbuckles his belt: letting his pants hit the floor on its on and you were stunned at his..length. For someone who talks a lot of shit like jeff— you weren’t expecting him to carry a vast pack of dick around in those horrid skinny jeans he wears. He looks at you through his lengthy black locks before aggressively stripping your pajama pants off your body. He sees your full, meaty pussy soaping and slobbering for his dick. “no bra..no panties, you really are fucking nasty.” his words meant nothing before so why are they making you horny now? positioning himself between your legs, he began slapping his tip between the wet substance that covered your pussy. He wanted to tease you..knowing you were loving this and needing it— needing his cock in your tight pussy so it can hug him and grip his brick hard cock. Jeff relentlessly teased you by slowly slipping his tip in and out your pussy, barely putting an inch of his cock inside your. Seeing how impatient and annoyed you were getting by the expressions on your face nd the look your giving him, made his cock throb and his balls wiggle with excitement. He bent down to your ear and grabbed both your wrist with his hands “you really want this dick then you better beg for it.” jeff gruffly whispered before kissing your neck with his tongue— putting himself back upright while looking down at your body, exposed and just for him. You were stubborn, especially when it came to demands but you couldn’t help yourself when he dragged his cock along your clit and used his thumb to rub harsh circles on it.
“please..” your moan dragged your word out like saliva. “please what?” jeff bantered with you while you were in a submissive state. “fuck me, please” jeff laughs at your eagerness before he rammed his dock deep into your pit. You cry out loud as the stretch of his cock was greater than your last— dick was fat and an inch bigger than average. 20 minutes hadn’t pass and he’s already kissing your cervix with his red tip. Your wailing moans and cries— he was reaching far back into your pussy, touching depths of it you never knew would be there. In desperate attempts: you try and push him off you,, hands on his abdomen as he’s drilling you in like a nail. “FUCK! jeff” your cunt was so tightly packed with his girth that it felt like he got stuck at times “you givin up? s’too much for ya? hm?” he said through clenched teeth.
“i hate you..bastard” you moaned out trying to keep what little of morality you have left inside you. Grabbing on his hair and pulling him close as he fucks you into the mattress with each thrust resulting in you hitting your head against the hard wall. His dick ramming into you and slipping out became a routine in the last 30 minutes before he grabbed your throat and started mate fucking you against your bedroom wall and on your bed; foreheads against one another and he’s looking into your eyes but you can’t see nothing but hate and lust. A sadistic smile on his face as he pulls his cock and cums all over your belly and pussy— leaving it gasping and clenching for air. Pulling back he let’s go of your neck and stays on the edge of the bed catching his breath..mumbling something before putting his pants on and leaving out your room.
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the-muppet-joker · 4 months
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I must admit, though shamefully, that I didn't believe you at first. What an ignorant heretic I was. How silly, I thought, that the second first man born unto God would choose such a humble place to spread his sermons. I've been so jaded in this awful life that I've rejected the one true light twinkling out past the darkness. This all-consuming black hole inside me...((Like a muppet hole)) No, no, no, no not like -((Are you so dissimilar to a toy? A muppet with a hollow inside where his creator's hand fits? I'm puppeting you right now and I'm telling you dude - there is a whole lot of empty in here.)) Why do I feel so ashamed? These thoughts are horrible.
((You know what's happening. You're just in denial.))
I remember the first time I saw the Muppets like I remember the first time my father hugged me (9). It shocked me to my core and I had this indescribable feeling- a feeling I can now put words to; This show was going to change the course of my life. I watched in awe as the be-felted people sung and danced. The songs felt like gospel in my young mind. I even tolerated the female Muppets because they were funny. All except one it turns out. Kermit was performing on stage and my life was reaching a peek. My soul was ablaze and my hole was being filled. And then this PIG walks on stage. Ms. Piggy was the definition of a 10/10 femoid in the looks department. Then this bimbo pig walks right up to Kermie and starts flirting with him. I think I must have blacked out the second she open her shrill mouth because the next thing I remember I'm staring down at my bloodied hands. The TV laid in a parking heap on the living room floor. I thought I could hear something coming from the TV, a whisper beneath the sparking and the now growing fire...muppet hole. The TV was undeniably glitching out and repeating the words muppet hole. No, it wasn't just the TV, it was a particular voice. Kermit.
((You saved Kermit from Ms. piggy)) No I didn't. I broke down, caused property damage, and had to skip summer camp for therapy. ((You were chosen)) For what? Almost burning down my house. Half of my hometown thinks I'm an arsonist. ((It is your role to burn every trace of pig flesh. Like a hog on a spit, rotating before the eyes of hungry horrors that lay just outside the fire's haze. She will know what it means to sacrifice your flesh to a smiling God)) Ok I understand.
Last night, laying in a puddle of congealing orange Faygo (huge bender), this memory came rushing back to me. I asked myself if my hole was filled. I checked and couldn't tell. After cleaning up I tried asking God if my hole was filled. He told me the answers I seek lay within my own mind. As a Maid of Mind I can dive really deep into my own mind. I used my ascended god tier powers to travel to the farthest recesses of my subconscious and find the answer for myself.
The further I descended the darker everything became.I panicked and tried to escape but hit a wall. Oh God, is this how I die? Trapped within my own mind, forced to suffer my sick, evil thoughts until my physical body perished? ((Keep moving)) I suddenly felt completely calm. I turned and kept walking. I soon realized that I was in a hallway. I could see a figure emerge in a sudden flash of light and I ran towards it for what felt like millennia. This invader of the mind had a dominant stance, with arms straight out to the sides as if to say ((come at me bro)).
Suddenly I was face to face with. Oh. ((Now do you understand?)) I do. Before me stood God, ie Dirk Strider. (If you're a monotheist Homestuck kin I'm sorry for the exclusionary language as Homestuck *can be read as a monotheistic work. I am just trying to express my religious views so my interpretation of the scripture is limited to my own experience. Sorry (⁠๑⁠•⁠﹏⁠•). God fist bumped me like a real bro and popped open a fresh bottle of orange Faygo to wash my feet with.
I can't write out the feet washing scene because I have a foot fetish. Let's just say it was very enjoyable for both of us although I don't think it was sexual for him. Was hard to tell through God's trademark dark sunglasses.
((You are my son, my child, my blood. Skin and bone but just as precious as the hand-sewn Smuppets. I have built from the clay just as my maker has built me from mud. We are Earth, we are space, we are transcending the roots. Together we will seed the universe and live out our Godhood.)).
How will we seed the universe?
((We must destroy Ms.Piggy so she can't hold Kermit down with her dumb feminine ways. Every snort from her is like a vast oink that pulls the threads of the universe apart farther, and farther. She is a force of chaos and having her so close to Kermit is limiting his potential to ascend. Kermit is one of my splinter selves and if he can't ascend I might lose narrative relevance altogether))
WELL THEN HOW DO I HELP YOU! PLEASE LET ME HELP YOU REACH YOUR TRUE POTENTIAL BY BRINGING DOWN THIS HOG. But I have one concern? How do I do it? My abilities aren't primarily combat based. How can I bring down nigh infinite incarnations of this foul swine?
((Muppet hole))
I woke up(?) in a puddle of sweat building over the now fully congealed Faygo puddle. I felt a purpose in my limbs as they moved easily like the wooden arms of a marionette. I felt full, fulfilled. I have found my purpose and my master. I HAVE FOUND SALVATION.
I've spent the past week going to every store on the bus route, 1 by 1, and defacing any evidence of Ms.Piggy. I cross out her name in big black sharpie and write religious seals on the pages of the magazines. I steal the dolls, replace the heads with different heads, and put them back. I even go to the grocery stores and cross out all the ham/pork labels on the meats. I've been replacing them with labeled that say things like "smile at your true god" and simply "flesh".
I do this all in the service of a god that is now crystalizing in my mind. And the sharper the image gets the closer it looks like Kermit's crusty hole. Amen.
Finally someone fucking understands
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marivoid · 5 months
Text
Entry 31
Day 223
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This is him. One of the only people that can help me find The Doctor. The Heavy-Body Builder.
One problem: The man is the definition of "Looks scary, is a wet cat of a man." He definitely TRIED to be intimidating, but he failed pretty miserably at it when I met him after being unconscious for 10 days.
(Yes I did a double take. I still can't believe I was out for THAT long)
Picture this: Me walking towards a towering city of collapsing buildings with dust filled air. Eyes focused on the small blinks of light that just barely escape the smog- I'm thinking that I've finally made it! Comparator City!
And then I get absolutely BODIED by a huge hunk of metal. I wish I were kidding. My poor spine! My arm! It got freaking CRUSHED! I was sent flying a decent few feet and ended up crashing into an old light pole (Again. OW.) All that I can remember happening next is that same hunk of metal approaching me and some guy jumping out of it. But then... Well. I was out like a light.
Managed to wake up (after what felt like) a few hours later and oh GOODNESS did it hurt. My back, my right side, my stump of an arm- It all hurt! But there was somebody in the very dim room with me. The same person that crawled out of that hunk of metal.
"Thank goodness you're awake!" He had said when I first gained consciousness. "I was worried that you wouldn't stabilize! You've been unconscious for over a week!"
"I've been WHAT?!" And of course, when I sat up I saw the damage the man had done to me. Machines were strapped all over my body, an IV drip sticking out of my arm (Where he found a clean needle I will not ask.) a whole heart rate monitor- He was stacked! But from the state of everything, he was telling me the truth. "You knocked me unconscious for a week?!"
"Well it's r-really been ten days-"
"TEN DAYS?!"
"Yes- Yes I know it sounds absolutely horrible but! But! You're recovering at an accelerated rate! You should be good to go in a few days? Maybe three? The experimental drug is working great for you!" He had been blabbering and talking so fast that I nearly missed that detail.
"Experimental- I'm sorry, EXPERIMENTAL DRUG?" Of course I had been outraged back then. (Even looking back now I'm still a bit ticked off at being used as a guinea pig for a drug that could have killed me, but hey! I'm alive now!) "You used an EXPERIMENTAL DRUG to heal me."
"Yes! And it worked!" He stepped away from me to grab my prosthetic arm. "And! And I managed to upgrade your arm! It got destroyed- Again I'm so sorry about that- but hey! At least now your map and compass aren't an extra item to carry around!"
"So you fixed the nerve sensors? The solar panels?"
"Uh- No. Unfortunately I don't have access to the receptors or the proper solar panels you need." He had explained while reattaching my arm. "But! But, it works a lot like mine!" He flashed his brass arm, glowing a soft red. "It's powered by redstone! Should last you a solid month before you need to recharge it!"
And there was the main problem. "How in the ever loving hell do I get this 'redstone' stuff? Heck, where could I even get it?"
"Easy! Me!" He flicked on a lever on the backside of my arm and it felt... Nice at the time. Sturdy. Like it wouldn't die on me when I needed it most. "I use the Parrot System, so as long as you can get mail through the Parrots you should be good!"
"... The who?"
You wouldn't believe me if I told you this man began to glow with embarrassment. I mean he LITERALLY glowed. Pointy ears and face turning a bright red that GLOWED.
"Right, uh- The parrots! They're one of the middle tier delivery birds! I'm friends with their Flight Master! I... I take it you have no idea who I'm talking about."
"Not a damn clue."
"First of all, watch your tongue. Second! That's okay! I should have enough in store that should last you about three months- But you really need to find the Flight Masters. They'll help you in the long run."
When he stopped his rambling I focused on the newly upgraded arm. It is always a weird sensation, flexing a limb that's not really there. But the small tug of metal fingers and steel plates listening to one's mind is even weirder. And I mean REALLY weird.
"Who... Exactly are these Flight Masters?" I managed to ask him after a few moments of silence. "How do you... Get under their wing?"
"That-" The man paused and the red glow only grew. "That was a horrible pun-" He has a really nice laugh. Small but breathless.
"But it works! I mean, they have to be Birds of a Feather to Fly together-"
"Stop! Stop, no!"
"When am I going to stop, huh?! Never!" And then I started to laugh. I think it was just my mind needing something to focus on other than the glaring new arm attached to my body.
"Goodness you may be worse than Gri-" His laughter died when he barely mentioned a name. I couldn't get all of it, but it must be the Flight Master.
"Worse than...?"
"Y-You will find out eventually." His tune changed from that point going forward.
He eventually gave me his name (Mumbo) and gave me a quick summary of the three Flight Masters.
The Canary: Flight Master of the small, yellow birds that linger around Comparator City. Used by the residents of said city. Apparently the easiest one to befriend.
The Parrot: Flight Master of the robotic parrots that fly around all over the Crashlands. They're more tricky to get a hold of as they have a whole database on who's a customer and who's not. Need to find the Parrot Flight Master in order to get on the list.
The Crow: Flight Master of the Murders. Every crow I have seen so far apparently belongs to Him. And apparently the only way to find him is a mystery to even Mumbo. All I can do is hope for the best with that one.
That was all the information he was willing to tell me. Apparently I struck a nerve by getting him to almost spill the name of the Parrot Flight Master. I'm still resting in this small room, letting myself recover from being plowed by that big old machine.
I even tried asking him what that THING was that he hit me with! But he just shook his head and said it was a prototype I shouldn't bother myself with.
Things are just getting really overwhelming now. So much information to process. How do I find the Canary? Or hell, the Parrot? I'm not even going to TOUCH the subject of the Crow. What about the Demon? Is he still around? Is he in Comparator City? Will I run out of the weird redstone dust before I find the Parrot?
So many questions.
Too little answers.
I think I'm just going to shut off my mind for a little bit.
MLW
G.U.I.D.E. 67
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instexcamera · 5 months
Text
Use Me as Your Alter
Priest!Tatsumi x GN!reader
Warnings: blasphemy kink, small corruption kink, rough oral sex (male receiving), choking on cock, biting, very small blood mention
Authors note: holy shit I'm finished with my finals so I can finally get back on that grind!! That's crazy. Anyways I forgot where I got the idea for this and I'm hella tired and actually zoned out while writing this but yk what, I'm too lazy to go and fix it, yay! So it's just gonna be stuck how it is
Word count: 3k
18+ under the cut
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"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. It has been four days since my last confession." The reply was immediate, "Yes my child, confess your sins and may the lord help you find peace." It had been difficult to do this. Finding time outside of idol activities and side jobs was basically impossible. But the opportunity arose when a fan meet was canceled at the last minute, so with the free time you finally decided to make the trip to the church. Except the man you'd come here to confess immoral desires about was the priest.
It was common knowledge that Tatsumi Kazehaya was a priest. Except you hadn't known this particular church was his or else you wouldn't have come. Not to mention his unit, Alkaloid, was quite popular so he should have mountains of work. Yet, here he was, standing silently before you in his pure white robes kindly gazing down at you. Struggling to form the words of your confession since the man before you was both the listener and recipient of your loving feelings.
The hard wood of the floor begins to cause an uncomfortable dull pain in your knees from the bow you were in. It was quite an unusual position to be in, yet Tatsumi, for some unknown reason, had requested this. Instead of the normal confessional most use he had wanted you to bow before him when you confessed, claiming the connection with god was stronger. With slight reluctance you agreed not wanting to hurt him.
Now it was awkward. Tatsumi, standing right in front of you, only his waist and below in your vision causing you to keep your head down on the floor. You could feel the sweat forming on your brow the more you bowed there. At first when you realized Tatsumi was the priest you figured you could hurry and get it over with. The unplanned for a new position makes you rethink that decision but you couldn't just get up and leave. Not only would your pride be damaged but Tatsumi's view of you may warp into something horrible.
Staying silent isn't doing anything to help your situation. The longer you withheld the more Tatsumi would think you were confessing something gravely immoral. "I confess to having lustful desires about a man." Speaking it quickly, too quickly you hoped he wouldn't fully understand what you spoke. You didn't dare test a glance up at Tatsumi's face. Afraid it would show an expression of revulsion at your words. Focusing on the dark wood of the floor beneath you, focusing on the pain in your knees while you listen for his response. Tatsumi was taking longer than you wanted, perhaps thinking over what you confessed or repaying in kind from when you were silent.
Instead of a response Tatsumi steps closer to you, light brown leather shoes coming into your vision. You could feel your body starting to subconsciously shake, hands gripping into the hard floor. He was close enough that if you lifted your head even an inch your face would be right in front of his thighs. "Forgive me. This question may seem out of place but could you indulge me? I would like to inquire more about these... desires."
You had expected a reprimand, not questions about explaining further. From your inadequate knowledge about church you thought priests weren't allowed to question confessions further, but maybe you were wrong. It had caught you off guard anyhow, whether it was allowed or not. Tatsumi must be asking since he wants to learn just how depraved you are. Once you explain further you'd have absolutely no chance to form a relationship with him.
Gripping into the wood under you, feeling your nails almost break from the pressure as you question him. "I'm sorry, but do I need to? It's kinda awkward to get into my desires in a place as holy as this." Instead of responding a pale hand slides under your chin. There's no time to process it as Tatsumi forces your chin up, concerned eyes boring into yours. Your immediate response is an attempt to jerk away however you quickly stop, you didn't particularly mind his touch.
"I would prefer it if you told me, getting it out will help soothe your mind. Saying it out loud also puts it out before god too, yes? Confessing everything will help your soul feel more at ease. If you're worried I will find you disgusting I won't, this is something between you and god, I am merely a listener." His words made sense of course. Tatsumi wasn't someone who would go against the rules set out for a priest, right?
It wouldn't hurt to tell your thoughts, no matter how depraved they are he has promised no judgment. The way his purple eyes held no disgust or hate in them certainly helped his claims. You didn't need to confess these thoughts were about him either. The way his thumb was ever so slowly starting to move to the corner of your lips and caress was soothing too. Your shaking had stopped too, the feeling of finally being able to fully relax was overwhelming now that you realized it. Tatsumi was like a soothing balm, something you didn't know you needed.
"Yes Father, I'll confess these damnable thoughts. I dream of touching this man where I shouldn't. I want to become one with this man, I wish to find pleasure from him and for him to find pleasure from me." Your voice echoed throughout the vast space, too holy for these wicked thoughts to be cast aloud in. The nervousness which had consumed you earlier had all but disappeared under Tatsumi's gaze, if you didn't know better you would say it had turned loving. Something akin to a shepherd finding his lost sheep after searching for a long while.
His hand had moved from your chin to your cheek, stroking it gently. You hadn't realized but your other cheek was pressed against his thigh, the silky white robes the only layer preventing you from direct contact with his skin. You wished to feel his skin, to kiss and mark it, claim him as yours but he would never allow that. His eyes had never left yours throughout the whole confession, never changing to anything resembling disgust either.
In an attempt to get closer to him your hands moved from the floor to his leg, grabbing onto it. Taking care to make sure you weren't gripping too hard, you vaguely remember passing comments about how he had sustained an injured leg which never fully healed and you didn't know if the one in your hold was it.
"That was a beautiful confession dear child. Everything was laid out perfectly, nothing was hidden except one crucial detail. Who is this man you speak of? Neither god or myself can help you unless you tell who he is. I will not judge you, I am not in a position to give out judgment, only god can. " A trickle of dread was creeping up on you. Why must Tatsumi know? Shouldn't god already know if he is as all powerful as it is claimed. But, Tatsumi had asked you, he has kept up his promise of no judgment so far and he was so compassionate and caring to you. He wouldn't berate you if you confessed it was him, surely not.
You would tell him, you had not originally planned to when you had come here today but the way he looked at you, the way he was caressing your cheek. You wanted too. Your eyes slide shut for this, not wanting to watch the moment they turned into hate from what you were about to confess.
"Father Tatsumi, the man I've been having these desires about is you. I've had them since I first saw you, we never speak to each other but you're so kind and stunning. You've pulled me down into sin for someone so holy. I know you must hate me after this, and I apologize. But you asked and so I shall answer." He doesn't say anything, nor does his hand stop its gentle caresses on your cheek.
A moment longer and you can't handle his silence, opening your eyes just to be greeted by that smile, that innocent and pure smile. "I'm glad you were truthful. You will surely find favor in the sight of god, not many could outright admit such a thing as this like you. But you must know you are a wretched being, a creature of sin for thinking of something so dishonorable about a man of god." His words stung, like a harsh slap to the face. You knew he was right though, it was wrong to have these thoughts of someone in his position. Yet he was still being so kind to you.
"I know you will want to redeem yourself. Repentance is normally the advice I give to the lost, but you are a special case. I quite like you too, so, to redeem yourself, worship me like your god. Let my holy body redeem you, treat me as an altar to forgive your sins." His words confused you. You didn't entirely get what he meant, not until the soothing hand on your cheek leaves and he goes to shed his pure robes.
Neither of you say anything, you are too shocked to speak. Tatsumi was bareing himself for you, taking off his priestly robes for a sinner in a place of worship. The more of his body that was revealed the more found him gorgeous. He was anything but perfect now that you saw his body but it made him more human in your eyes. The small moles and blemishes which dotted his body, making an invisible star system but just as beautiful. His small pink nipples, just waiting to be sucked and bit on but that wasn't what he wanted. His toned chest from the days he spent working out, slowly rising and falling with each breath he took. Pale stomach twitching when your gaze ran across it.
More of him was revealed as his robes fell into a white crumple at his feet, with his robes off he looked just like a normal human, not any more special than you were. From the robes surrounding his ankles your gaze travels up, stopping at his knees as you see the faint scar on his left knee. It didn't make him look any less appealing than before, if anything it just proved he too, was not perfect. From there you get to his thighs, the skin just as pale and alluring as you imagined. Perhaps he would let you fulfill your sinful desires and mark the skin there.
What really catches your attention is his pale cock, he's already hard, tip a deep red, painful looking as if he had been hard awhile. A large vein ran down the length of it, smaller ones dotting along. He twitches under your gaze and you move up towards the small patch of mint colored hair which sat just above. However Tatsumi sets a hand in your hair, making you turn your gaze back up to his face. Mint colored hair looked more messy than before, framing his face. He had a faint pink dusting on his cheeks now which seemed to be darkening by the second. "Use me as a way to repent. I wish for you too, and I know you want me in this way as well. If you choose to, however, you must take everything I give you as that is the only way you will be purified."
His confirmation was all you needed before your mouth connected with his thigh. You didn't want to start directly where you wanted, teasing him a little. Eyes closed as one of your hands slides up until it's directly beside his cock, but not touching, rubbing at the sensitive skin on his inner thigh. You could hear him let out a shaky gasp above you at the action. You knew it wasn't fair to tease him after what he was letting you do but you'd leave one mark on him and move to where he wanted most.
Biting into the pale skin, tasting a bit of blood. You hadn't meant to break skin but it just aroused you more and with how the grip in your hair tightened Tatsumi seemed to enjoy it too. Licking over the mark, opening your eyes to watch how the skin quickly bruised over. You hoped he would see this later and remember where it came from, maybe even touching himself to the thought, god you hoped he did. Leaving one last kiss on the sore mark before trailing your tongue up his thigh to meet your hand, quickly switching to where you wanted to most.
You didn't immediately take him in your mouth, choosing instead to still be a tease. He was dripping precum now, most likely due to the bite you had left. Sticking out your tongue to lick it up, hearing a suppressed whimper from above. The taste wasn't horrible, actually quite good. A sort of sweet, just a tad bit salty, more on the watery side. He tasted just as delicious as he looked. Giving more kitten licks to the head, wanting to pull more sounds from the holy man.
When you decided the small licks were enough you pressed a gentle kiss to the slit before dragging a long lick down the side of his cock, along the large vein. He must be quite sensitive there because suddenly a loud whimper echoed out, the hand in your hair yanking. You relished in the sting while you continued your ministrations, far from over. Licking around the entirety of his cock, paying special attention to the veins before dragging your tongue back up to his tip. You had teased him long enough.
Giving another kiss to his slit, feeling the precum gathered there wet your lips before enveloping his cock in your warm mouth. Loud whines escape, the sound soothing to hear. You had only just the tip past your lips that was already making him like this. Slowly you take more of him down your throat, the feeling foreign. The more you take the more small choking sounds start to leave your throat, not used to the large intrusion. Tatsumi's hand was gripping your hair hard enough to hurt and tears were forming in the corners of your eyes from both the pain and how deep you were taking him.
Lapping around his cock with your tongue until your nose was pressed right up against the small patch of teal hair on his pelvis. You were freely choking on him now, spit drooling past your lips and down your chin as you swallowed around him. The feeling is too much for him as he keens and shallowly thrusts, making the choking worse, your airflow cutting off as you breathe through your nose. "How shameful you are, having no issues doing this to a holy man such as myself, in a church no less. You must be even more wicked than I first thought, an evil temptress who convinced me to fall into sin." His words barely make it out before being cut off with a loud whimper when you swallow around him again.
The lack of oxygen was starting to get to you as you slowly took your mouth off, lapping at the veins along the way. His precum was coating your throat, the sweet taste on your tongue. Moving your hand to his cock while you take a moment to catch your breath, listening to the dirty sounds it makes as you move it up and down his spit soaked cock. Tatsumi has stopped talking but his hand was still ever present in your hair, tugging you back towards his cock. It wasn't long before you took him down your throat again, choking one again on his size. Except this time, when you attempt to pull back the hand in your hair keeps you firmly in place, right at the base of his cock forcing you to keep deep throating him.
"You can't pull off, a dirty sinner like you shouldn't need to anyways. I'm helping purify you, you know. I don't have to do this but I want to help make you clean." Tatsumi's other hand reaches and slides under your chin, massaging at your throat where his cock was bulging out, causing you to choke around him more intensely. Loud moans once again escape him as he does it again, the intense feeling too much for him. "I'm gonna cum down your sinful throat and purify you, that's what you want isn't it? To be purified by me?"
If you could nod you would have, but you could barely move your head with the grip he had in your hair, forcing you against him. His cock was twitching your throat and you knew he was getting closer, he just needed one more push to the edge. Swallowing once again around him as the hand on your throat slides to your nose, pinching it. You couldn't breathe at all now, panic starting to set in as you try to pull back but unable too.
"You'll be ok, you need to take all of my seed like this, that way no sinful air can ruin it when I purify you." As he says this you feel a rush of warm liquid flow down your throat, the taste of his cum heavy. Tatsumi lets out louder moans as spots start to form at the edges of your vision the longer your oxygen is depraved but when you think you'll finally black out the grip on your hair leaves and the cock in your throat gets pulled out.
Falling back as you cough, Tatsumi's release coating your throat as he pants above you, spent from his orgasm. You feel some of his spend drip down your chin and you know you probably looked like a total mess. Coming to church to confess your filthy desires about a man just to get defiled by that same man.
Tatsumi looks at you, face red and purple eyes kindly staring at you. "You've been purified by me, how do you feel? I promised my body would purify you and it did."
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