#and i cant fathom processing more

[jentlemahae]

-

[sapphosgardens]

oh man i really have got to sit down and work through this huh. gotta sit down and swallow this. Sit down and accept it.

[etherealspacejelly]

ok so the thing is. right. is that i cant fathom people liking me because im Cool

in my head. im not Cool. im Weird and Dorky. but im nice! and im friendly! and im kind! and im funny! and im fun to be around! but im not Cool, yk?

so im always like. yeah, people want to be my friend because im nice to them and i make them laugh sometimes and im pleasant to talk to

but people finding me Interesting? or like. wanting to impress me???? doesnt make any sense!!! because im just a silly weird strange little guy!!

i never notice when im someones Best Friend because. i always assume they like their other friends more. because they're cooler than me!! why would i be your favourite!!! that doesnt make sense!!

my friend from high school came over to visit me today and she told me that. she used to bring up doctor who episodes she had watched to impress me when we were younger. and i was like. HUH. WHUH?? HUH?????

impress??? me???? why???? why would you wanna???? huh??????

so i just. yea. idk. im just trying to process that maybe. people actually do think im cool and want my attention and maybe they're not just friends with me because im a Nice Friendly Guy. that seems. odd. to me.

hm.

it sure has been a day

[fluffydice]

you should definitely write that yandere saiki idea you posted a bit ago if given the chance bc i would go feral. ur writing so good. scratches brain just right.

Kicking and screaming I REFUSE (until i clear up my writing schedule for the month,,,) you CANT MAKE ME-

Wordcount: 810

Warnings for referenced abusive relationships, and vague implications of dehumanization (treating someone more like a pet than a human)

The word ‘abomination’, no matter how harsh, kept brushing Kusuo’s thoughts. This Kuboyasu was so meek and dependent, the exact opposite of his own. Always on his heels like a loyal dog, staring at him attentively at the slightest movement. It made his stomach cramp. That wasn’t who Kuboyasu was. This boy had been twisted by his alternate self, and yet refused to see it. 

Kusuo stalked up his stairs and tried to think. Maybe it was a blessing he couldn’t read his mind. (Side effect of being from another dimension?) Kusuo didn’t want to hear his thought process, didn’t want to hear the praises and adoration for him that no doubt suffused this Kuboyasu’s thoughts. Telepathy would only keep Kusuo further away, out of pure disgust for what had happened to the other. It-

Oop. It might have kept Kusuo from ripping open his door and walking in on the other Kuboyasu changing. Kusuo froze in shock, his face beginning to burn, entirely unaware of what to do in this situation. This was never a problem he’d had to deal with before. What did people even do!? Oh, good grief, shit, normal people had it rough-

“Oh, you’re back!” Kuboyasu smiled, entirely too eager for someone standing in just their boxers. He was holding the shirt Kusuo had snatched from regular world’s Kuboyasu’s room, and in one smooth motion, it was tugged over his head. He hadn’t even jumped when Kusuo came in, like he was entirely certain of his safety here. 

Crazy. Kusuo couldn’t even fathom the idea. “Sorry,” he offered, a bit late. 

Kuboyasu gave him a confused look. “For what?”

…Ugh. “Nothing,” Kusuo sighed, realizing it wasn’t worth it. Kuboyasu sat down on Kusuo’s bed to tug up his pants, and Kusuo found himself staring. 

This Kuboyasu was abnormally pale. It made him look sick. But everything else pointed to a high degree of health; He was a nice weight and lacked even a hint of eye bags. His hair had a pleasant sheen to it that seemed to belie the assumption of low vitamin D, which made Kusuo think that the other him was even accounting for things like that. Pills, maybe?

Pills that Kuboyasu wouldn’t even be allowed to get himself. He had to rely on alternate Kusuo for all his needs, in complete control of another human being. 

Kusuo was suddenly reminded of his brother. He gave a hidden camera a quick glare, inwardly wondering what he made of the situation. 

Kusuo looked down, viscerally uncomfortable in his own body, then steeled himself. He forced his gaze back up. “Kuboyasu,” he said, getting the other’s attention. The boy straightened up, but Kusuo didn’t miss the flash of hurt at the usage of his last name. “What did you do? Before me?”

Kuboyasu’s eyes, without his glasses, were so wide. Guileless. Despite Kusuo’s Kuboyasu’s genuineness, he never looked like that. Fully trusting, nothing on his mind beyond adoration for the person speaking to him. It made Kusuo think about the dogs he saw sometimes, staring up at their owners like they were their whole world. Hell, Kusuo was this guy’s whole world. It was all he was allowed to see. 

A person who would never betray him, someone who would only ever see the good in him. Someone who loved as easily as they breathed because that’s all they had been trained to do. 

For a sickening moment, Kusuo could almost see the appeal in having that full-bodied trust, that security of love. Someone who would never hurt him by leaving.

A beat. Then- “I don’t remember,” Kuboyasu responded, smiling sweetly again. “Nothing, maybe. There wasn’t anything before you.”

So romantic. So heart-stoppingly, gut-churning horrific. Kusuo took a step back, shaking in sudden terror at himself. Alternate him, him-him, whatever it was. Other him had gone drunk with power over someone. That’s all this was. But there was a biting shame at the realization that this was something he himself was capable of, too. If he was pushed just enough, abandoned just one time too many-

Kusuo tugged open the door and fled. For a moment, he thought about leaving, but found himself stopping at the top of the stairway, breathing hard and squeezing his eyes shut. 

He was in charge of Kuboyasu’s care right now. It obviously upset the other when he left. Alternate him had made this mess, and now Kusuo had to accept the fact that he was the one holding the reins for now. 

He could hear Kuboyasu approaching hesitantly, obviously unsure of his place after being rejected by Kusuo so many times. He forced himself to turn around and cleared his face of any discomfort. 

Kuboyasu was too fragile to go through a new environment, a new reality, without his security blanket. Kusuo couldn’t push him away; it’d break him. 

And something told Kusuo that alternate him would be none-too-pleased to get his favorite pet back in pieces.

[pixiecaps]

what did you think of q!quackity's lore today? ngl I cried at the end the end broke sm

SO GOOD!!!!!!!! the entire pacing felt just right with qqs character and i love the implied future conflict with oscurucho because despite qq not agreeing to his deal qq now has something new he loves that oscurucho can use against him and for whatever reason get qq on his side to do his bidding.

im also such a lover of the initial rejection of the new eggs from assigned parents. because when you look at the entire situation the islanders are in it is Fucked up. it is wildly fucked up. none of these people chose to be parents and frankly some of them probably wouldnt have been if the job wasnt forced upon them. you have that layer of fucked up. and then these parents get attached and they love and care for their child but they quickly realize they can die!! and be gone. forever!!! and suddenly theres anguish and grief and tragedy because you feel as though you failed and lost the one thing that mattered most. again fucked up because why do they need to die? why do they have lives when them as parents are technically immortal? NOW OUT OF NOWHERE IN YOUR WORST STATE OF MIND AND YOUR DARKEST MOMENTS… youre given another kid. another. kid. as if it was a common exchange. once again no choice. its yours now and you have to care for it despite all your hurt and all your trauma. it feels as though these people are laughing in your face just deriving pleasure out of watching you do this dance of getting attached and losing it all. it makes perfect sense for qq to not want to believe pepito is his son and the way he reacted makes perfect sense. and it hurts because pepito is just a kid!!! pepito cant possibly comprehend or fully conceptualize all thats been lost and all the harm that has been caused towards pepitos parents. all pepito wants is pepitos family. and tragically that’s something that isnt going to be easy because grief is a lifelong process and allowing yourself to love again is a choice that needs to be made by an individual which you cannot force. like theres no way in hell a parent who already lost their child would have such an accepting and easy reaction to that. its bizarre and jarring. and difficult. and i love how the ccs portray it

itsso so sad but thats why quackity choosing to stay is so much more powerful. because he knows fully well he will be hurt by this. he is tired and he wants to die more than anything and he cant possibly fathom having to endure yet another death. but he stays. despite knowing hes playing into this cycle. for now he stays. and thats all that matters

anyways ywah good stream ^_^_^

[agustdakasuga]

hi! i started reading one of your series when i decided to take peak on your acc and saw your pinned. im really sorry that happened to you. that's an absolutely fucked up situation. and as someone who wrote things before, i completely symphatized with you. writing a story is never an easy feat. someone will need to pour their time, and effort to brain storm every words and emotions they will put on a story.

readers will read it for only a few minutes but authors swerved through the process of writing it for a few hours, some might take days before completing it. i cant fathom the feeling of having your hard work stolen with only a few clicks.

what is more infuriating is that authors in every platform like tumblr were writing stories for FREE. they write for fun and then someone will just blatantly plagiarize, destroying all the fun from writing.

i hope you're okay now though. you need to be okay in order for that rat to be reprimanded so rest and always take care of your health

— ❄️ anon

thank you anon, i had a great time reading this and felt comforted by it. have a great new year’s day 💜

[alisface]

Fsm for fun and christmas gayming

Soooooo a friend recently gave me some space marine sheets. I dont play sm so I cannot fathom why they did this. But I've had a pretty fun time painting them and basing them of of me and my friends!

So the one I made first was just as a test for the colour scheme but she is now the leader, I never do glowy weapons but i was surprised how good it came out

Next i added me! To get the hair right I walked up to the guy who owns the lgs, grabbed a fistful of my hair and asked him to colour match it. And he did a great job! I also put a nifty trans decal on her front because I like living like that and putting it into my hobbies. She was also a kitbash, the other three leader looking ones were ment to have cool extras.

Next was someone very close to me with blue hair pronouns (she/they) and a GUN in real life. So it was a very easy conversion and they get two guns

Finally the other person very close to me gets two swords. I think it looks pretty good!

I've also recently finished a fifth one and will use it here to show the process:

So here are the primary and ancillary colours I used

This green takes three coats because it comes out fairly wispy

Next is a dark green for the under armor peices. I find It works better than just black so the actual black parts can seem like a different more flexible texture

Next is black in all the joints and and the main trim

And finally for the main colours I used a gold leaf paint. This paint sucks and I hate it. It's very watery and takes alot of shaking to get it useable. It's the other white fr

So onto the other colours. Some are only used on single peices. This one is just on the gun casing

There are alot of metal bits all over, you cant see it to well but theres some on the helmet pipes.

Next is the bronze, with this the backpack is done

Then theres the browns for all the pouches and the seal. For the deal I also usual do a thin white on top to give it a more papery look.

This red is used exactly once and it's on the wax seal

I use a much lighter red on the chain sword and the base level of the sholder fire

Next is an orange and a yellow applied with very messy strokes to give it that 'flame' effect. Theres also the yellow on the eyes.

Then after some touch ups and re lining some areas (yall dont have to do this but I'm messy) shes ready to join her sisters

There also things like oil or highlighting I could do but I'm going to hold of on that for all models until I've figured out where I'm gonna set them

[bitchkay]

Do you have any drabbles or short fics for Robin playing with his human siblings? 🥺

Kitty deserves more attention, and so do ur sillies

I dont😔👊🏽💔

But I also haven't opened google docs in so long--

I haven't progressed on alot of wips simply cus I dont want to--

Like I'm like "I wanna work on this" then I open the doc and go "no, I actually dont"

The fics will however be let out of the vault eventually💯

I did start a wip a while ago about pregnant sex-- i know, but I stopped cus I dont know how to make it not sound weird like I really wanted to touch upon pregnancy hormones a d what it was like being pregnant with Halo compared to what it was like being pregnant with the twins and I started doing a bunch of research about it and what's normal, abnormal, and like the nuances about arousal during pregnancy even from the husbands side of the ordeal and how emotions can really be on high during the second to third trimester

There also another I started kinda on the whim a little bit ago that's like angst/hurt comfort which is more about the complications during the pregnancy w the elder twins and Rio reacting to everything that's happened so much so fast after the birth because the pregnancy w the twins was miserable and not the best experience cus it was a high risk pregnancy mostly in part due to being pregnant with twins especially fraternal twins and it being your first ever pregnancy on top of them being twins, so the birth was not an easy or fast process, I also did a bunch of research on the complications that can happen during birth and the circumstances if one was to die during birth, you definitely do live but I needed to know the extent of how much pain I can put you through, I also searched a bunch of medical terms and recovery processes for after a complicated birth and recovering from surgery, it's pretty much Rio working through his emotions cus yeah he just became a dad but you were also unconscious for a scary amount of hours and did a lot if the post birth bonding without you there next to him, it's a little darker than stuff I usually write but one of the reasons I love my little au so much is I be doing some goddamn research on shit I will never experience(I don't wanna be pregnant ever in my life)

☝🏽☝🏽Would you believe that either one of those wips I mentioned are probably rn 4-5 paragraphs tops, maybe 3 excluding the dialogue

Theres also "Boys will be bugs" (which I haven't started yet) which is pretty much Theo playing outside in the dirt cus he likes dirt and bugs, Theo loves bugs, like he loves bugs, yeah, hes autistic, he has a per caterpillar he cant wait til turns into a butterfly and set free

And then there's "Two pairs of twins" I think I started it idk I don't think I did, but it's about the dynamics between the oldests and the youngests, the elder twins and the younger twins, Adephagia and Gulliver watching the toddler Dylan and Eliana pretty much like damn I can't believe we're 16 apart and making a joke about neutering their dad because they cannot fathom the idea of their parents ever having sex but also, I touched on this in Prince and Princess but cus they're getting older they're more distant than they once were, they're still close but they're now burdened with more responsibility and stress because they're the oldest and one of them would one day succeed their father on the throne but because of you and your magic of dear lady vane until one of their manifest ancient magic it's not clear who exactly would be taking the throne. Talking care of their baby sisters is kinda like how they bond, you know? they're just regular siblings and not heirs to a throne, also the girls are really cute, they fight over who looks more like who cus Dylan and Eliana are also fraternal twins💀

Theres also another idea in my head that simply just have not written down but it's been in my noggin since I posted Prince and Princess and it like the other side of that like it takes place on the same day but kinda from Halos perspective like it goes through Halos day while the elder twins are getting fired for their first adult sized royal finery and like it kinda just introduced Halos little crush on Thoma, nothing comes of it cus Thoma is obviously way older and known her since she was born but it's just innocent little schoolgirl crush, you know how it is shes 14 and Thoma is nice to her kinda like how young girls would have a crush on their teacher, Halo helps him out with some of his tasks and stuff, just like how in prince and princess there was a Theo and Atlas cameo, there would be a Genesis w the younger twins cameo, I think that would be cute♡

I love that you feed my braid worms and I can rant about my sillies, all I be doing nowadays maladaptivly daydream about them

���𝕋𝕙𝕣𝕖𝕖'𝕤 𝕒 𝕔𝕣𝕠𝕨𝕕, 𝕗𝕠𝕦𝕣'𝕤 𝕒 𝕡𝕒𝕣𝕥𝕪 + 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕗𝕒𝕞𝕚𝕝𝕪 𝕤𝕖𝕣𝕚𝕖𝕤 𝕞𝕒𝕤𝕥𝕖𝕣𝕝𝕚𝕤𝕥

[cartoonrival]

I've been on T for 3 years, and I've been indecisive all my life. I went in a whole lot of circles for months trying to make up my mind about whether I wanted to or not.

The process I went through was basically: I came out around Nov. 2020. thought that I would probably eventually want to start T based on watching other people's progress videos and started doing research about the effects. saw a therapist to try and be sure starting T was the right thing for me (therapist ended up being really shitty and thought that going on T would make me binary + not asexual, spoiler alert it did not). put it off another 5-6 months longer than I had intended to be sure shitty therapist wasn't influencing my decision. made up my mind not to start, because I was sure my extended family would cut me off. My thought process at the time was like, if could just be stuck on a desert island I would do it, if I could just live in isolation forever, then I would do it, but I couldn't handle the idea of explaining to anybody why I needed to. started breaking down crying a couple times a week at the idea of never getting to go on T. met a guy at a party who had just started T and I was so consumed with envy that I couldn't think about anything else the entire time. made an appointment with my informed consent clinic 1 month out to make sure I was sure, and then told my parents. They freaked out a little because they were convinced that going on T would make me bald and also dead (neither of those things has happened yet), and then they got over it, and the rest of my family ended up being fine. Finally started T in May 2021. One minor health issue since then (too many red blood cells), but zero regrets.

Sorry this is long. I think probably a lot of the indecision I went through might have been unnecessary, but the process of sorting through my own doubts about it was still really important. I don't know the situation you're in, but for me the most important thing to figure out was whether I was avoiding doing it because I didn't want the effects, or because I was worried about what other people would think. Also idk if i can include links but check out this piece by Daniel Lavery, it just perfectly captures the kind of justifications I was running through trying to talk myself out of starting https://thenewinquiry.com/the-stages-of-not-going-on-t/ I think indecision must be incredibly common and normal, if not universal.

thank you very much for this. i think i personally have a very hard time imagining myself in situations i’m not in or in a hypothetical future so like. i have no fucking idea what i would do if i started growing facial hair. there is genuinely no way for me to know if i want facial hair until i see myself irl with facial hair, for example. that’s i think where the core of my indecision comes from is i’m so wildly guessing about a future that does not exist yet and i cannot fathom what it would be like until i’m there. a lot of my transition has been like that but this is obviously the most significant decision i’ve confronted so far so the fact that i cant visualize it stresses me out more than usual. so like asking myself hypothetical questions doesn’t work because i truly don’t know, beyond the fact that i want a deeper voice. but what if i dont!!!!!! but at THAT point i’m definitely in the deserted island scenario where if i wasn’t around other people i would want it deeper. and that’s really the only outwardly obvious change that’s also permanent. so maybe i shouldn’t die wondering. cuz i was daydreaming abt it constantly for months then the day came to start and i got so scared suddenly and now for the past month it’s been causing me endless grief abt this thing that i want to do but also don’t want to do. but i can’t figure out what the reason for not wanting to is. if it’s fear or not wanting to. i’m rambling! thank you for answering <3

[ejnherjar]

HELLO AS PROMISED: ASK 1/???

Do you have any headcanons about Madarinniki? Or any thoughts on how they all got together?

Oh if we're doing headcanons we'd be here all day i have a LOT on a very wide variety of like. Genres of headcanons so I'll either make a separate post or im gonna need more specific questions BUT. I do have thoughts on how they all got together!!

My general favourite way to think about it is that it was the case of Rinne and Niki being in an established relationship, and as Madara spent more time with Crazy:B and subsequently rnnk, he ended up developing crushes on them both, but refused to act on any feelings beyond maybe some light playful flirting, as to not "Ruin what they already have." I think Mama was VERY supportive and wanted the best for rnnk, and didn't even acknowledge the possibility that they might like him back in any way. Little does he know that they DO like him back too...I usually tend to like thinking that Niki starts crushing first, followed by Rinne. Niki telling Rinne that he might also have feelings for Mama, and Rinne confessing that he thinks he likes Mama as well...I think they'd both try to show that to Mama subtly and drop hints, be it a little unsuccessfully because Madara cant fathom that the two are interested in him too...So after a while Niki and Rinne talk to outwardly confess to Mama individually by taking him out on a date/hangout, and tell him that they'd both be more than happy to be together with him, because yes they have eachother, but they love him too..........Mama might need some time to process the mere Concept of the fact that he can do this? Hes allowed to date both of them? They both want him? But he comes around eventually...and that's my Very long-winded thought on how i think these 3 got together. Hope everyone enjoyed

[robean-chan]

ok for most of the criticisms/nitpicks ive seen for OPLA so far, I can usually see both sides - the production side of "we dont want to take this too far/we felt this would be too difficult to attempt in live action/we cant make this work/adaptational changes", and the fan side of "this should remain faithful to the source material all the way to the detail/this is significant to one piece as we know it and to us/this becomes relevant later". (ive been following the OPLA news perhaps a bit closer than the average person?, so ive had a little more time to process some of these changes, and i think I tend to largely agree with the productions decisions so far.) but. but but but.

of all criticisms and nitpicks to have about live action one piece, the one I cannot fathom are people complaining about how iñaki said "gum gum", or people upset he didnt say his attack in japanese. like... gamers. be for real. this is an english speaking show, made for an english speaking audience. They're Not Gonna Do That

[metalsiren-a]

He's on his knees, maybe it isn't the perfect timing but he can't seem to find the patience to wait any longer. He can hear the thunderstorm raging outside and here he is, on one knee before her smiling ear to ear like the biggest idiot he knows. " Sawyer, you're going to think I am the cheesiest jackass there ever was -- but I love you. " He can feel the smirk that stretches at his lips, even here and now he cant fully process the exact emotion he wants to convey but he'll try nonetheless. " I have loved you and I don't think I'll ever stop loving you, so I ask you here and now -- if you would grant me the honor of marrying me? "

                               ——  ✞ ;  𝗧𝗛𝗘 𝗦𝗧𝗢𝗥𝗠 𝗖𝗢𝗠𝗘𝗦 𝗢𝗨𝗧 𝗢𝗙 𝗡𝗢𝗪𝗛𝗘𝗥𝗘.  taking  the  power  with  it  and  leaving  both  dallas  and  sawyer  to  light  candles  so  as  not  to  drain  the   batteries  on  their  phones.  some  would  view  the  amount  of  flames  present  to  be  a  hazard,  but  sawyer  sees  it  as  nothing  less  than  romantic.  like  out  of  a  movie,  she  lets  the  atmosphere  turn  to  something  comforting,  hearing  the  thunder  rolling  through  outside,  lightening  flashing  quite  soon  thereafter.  sawyer's  always  adored  storms,  found  little  fear  in  them  and  instead  let  them  soothe  her  like  a  lullaby.  dressed  in  one  of  dallas'  shirts  (  and  not  much  else  ),  hair  gathered  up  in  a  messy  bun  atop  her  head,  she  blows  out  the  match  in  her  hand  before  waving  it  a  few  times  for  extra  measure.  

                               and  thank  god  she  has. 

                               turning  around,  a  soft  hum  leaving  her  in  the  absence  of  white  noise,  sawyer  stops  dead  in  her  tracks  the  instant  she  sees  dallas  on  one  knee.  dropping  the  match,  her  body  remains  frozen  in  place,  trying  to  fully  register  exactly  what's  happening.  this  man  in  front  of  her,  this  person  who  speaks  to  her  very  soul,  saved  her  from  herself  and  helped  her  find  a  tangible  sense  of  healing  she  never  thought  she'd  accomplish,  wants  to  spend  the  rest  of  his  life  with  her.  perhaps  she  shouldn't  be  surprised  by  the  question,  but  she  can't  help  the  way  hazel  hues  brim  with  tears,  how  her  heart  swells  with  unwavering  adoration.  sawyer  is  nothing  if  not a  mess,  she  knows  that;  knows  that  she  has  so  much  to  work  on  when  it  comes  to  her  mental  stability,  her  addiction.  but  dallas  is  nothing  if  not  painfully  patient.

                               for  that,  the  answer  is  obvious,  as  there's  no  one  else  she  can  fathom  spending  the  rest  of  her  life  with.

                               one  hand  lifts  to  her  chest,  tears  falling  freely  as  she  takes  a  step  towards  him,  his  little  speech  reaching  her  heart  and  cradling  it,  just  as  he  always  does.  all  she  can  do  is  nod  a  few  times,  struggling  to  find  words  even  though  she  truly  only  needs  one  to  accept  his  offer. 

                                ❛  yes. ❜  it  leaves  her  wrapped  in  a  choke,  clearing  her  throat  before  her  lips  pull  into  the  widest,  brightest  smile  she  can  muster,  ❛  yes.  of  course  i'll  marry  you.  ❜  much  more  confidence  is  held  in  her  tone  as  she  takes  another  step  towards  him,  easily  leaning  down  to  cup  his  neck  and  steal  a  kiss,  ❛  i  love  you,  too,  dallas.  so  much.  ❜

@fuckedprophet proposes to sawyer!

[dynamicks]

I feel like unless youve experienced trauma or have disorders you have no right to tell people what to do with expression and escapism through art and fiction. Like baby there are worse shit in reality you cant even truly fathom than what we do to literal nonexistent ideas approximating human beings.

Like there are scenarios imaginations can tend to that actually represent more deeper metaphorical implications and issues in the psyche. And getting wrapped up in what the brain spits out or wants to consume as a result of that is really fucking reductive and cuts off ways of processing or coping in literal nonexistent spaces.

[cannibalkissies]

big introspective rant

i've been doing so well in therapy and i'm sure my new therapist is a peach and will help me a bunch, but we're just not clicking. i stopped seeing her after the second meeting and i dont know when i can reschedule another meeting with her to tell her i dont want to see her. then i have to go through the whole process of trying to meet another person i feel like understands me.

but that's the thing, i dont think i'll ever really click with anyone because i'm so autistic. i'm so socially inept and emotionally immature. yesterday an ER nurse laughed at me and i was being totally serious about potentially accidentally eating plastic that snapped off of my blender (i'm fine by the way). i dont know why she laughed at me. and i dont know why i say these things that make people laugh or take me less seriously. i mean what i say man and i dont know why you're laughing in my face.

when i left (without checking out, mind you) i felt totally isolated. someone who was supposed to take my symptoms and situation seriously laughed at me. laughed at me. so i just walked out and drove home. it was dark and i was alone and i felt it! i felt it in that moment.

im alone. i'm alone in my journey. i'm alone in terms of support 90% of the time. i'm alone in my health journey (i'm too neuroticto be taken seriously). im alone because i'm so unintelligent. people can't fathom how dense i am. they're detached from me.

on the way home i just wanted to take the car and drive off somewhere far. somewhere and be alone. i wanted to just disappear into the night and never come back. but i knew that i would still be around people wherever i decided to stop. i'd be alone with people. people that didnt know me and didnt care about me. how can there be 8billion people and yet i feel so alone still?

i stared at my phone an hour ago and thought... wow. im 27. i'm 27 and i'm rotting in my bed. my neck pain is worsening and making my face and head hurt more and more each day. my POTS is controlling my life. i cant do anything. meanwhile, there are 27yos out there working, paying bills, publishing books, getting their works into art galleries. and i'm here. drawing for a stream channel that won't even kick off because i play 2 games at most. and i'm rotting while doing it. i earn nothing. i am nothing.

i wanted to get up and run. run away from it all and leave it all behind. but again. where would i go? nobody cares about me out there. sometimes it feels like nobody cares about me in here. and i'm rotting.

i am nothing.

[starstarfishbone]

i been alternating between stability and insecurity. been panicking at the thought of losing feelings, of getting hurt, and at the idea that there is no meaning to this. been seeing the crushes are crutches, are a way for the meaning barred from entering any other area of my life to find fufilment at the cost of realism. getting serious about redistributing the emotional meaning to a more sensical and balanced system, where my creative process doesn't feel so shallow and bleak, where my vanity is allowed to exist, where i am allowed to feel love without designating it as the One True Purpose (at the detriment of my own stability - obviously this is not sustainable), and where i'm allowed to just kind of explore how i feel without the panic of feeling "the wrong thing". it is hard to let go of the immediate dopamine hits from fantasizing about a romance that might be a little forced in my mind but it became much easier when i realized that my feelings, this time, didn't exist in that fantasy, but instead in the reality of this connection and this person who i feel genuine love for. and this really solves a lot of the rushing, panicking, worrying.. this decision that i really don't need a label for this, as cliche as that sounds. this accepting of cliche moments.

i was really distraught at the idea that maybe i dont want romance, mayb i just wanted to get closer to him. but like, then what is my definition of romance? do i even know what this distinction between types of love is? and was there not a time i sat next to him wishing he was the other one, the one i took so long to let go of? i look back and can't fathom how i could be so stupid, so blind to the love i have for jacob. but my mind was a different world. and it scares me, the certainty of this world changing again and again and again. but right now at this moment, things are going well, and my heart is open. i am scared of not actually wanting this, of not actually feeling this. but those videos are just videos.

there are things about jacob that live in my mind, and i'm not sure exactly how true to the real person they are. i suppose that's a really hard thing to know, especially now that we live so far apart. i miss him. i wonder if he misses me, too. i wonder if sometimes he doesn't but he engages cuz he feels kind of bad, he seems sweet that way. i just hope we feel the same, whatever that is. and i hope i can be okay with the truth, whatever that is. i just love being near him, i love when we hold each other. who wouldnt? we definitely have something beautiful between us, at least. i'm overthinking it. i dont need to know what that is. im only thinking so hard cuz i want that dopamine hit, i wanna feel desire. ohhh the dooooom the doom of human emotion!! i wanna feel love but not fear. i wanna see him OH i wanna see him again but WHY and WHY do i NEED to KNOW ok why cant i c=just CHILL lmaoo this is so STUPID GOD ok!! okokokok i JEEz ok i am HUMAN ok there i said IT

whatever

[glitchingpoet]

i keep telling myself the universe is doing it on purpose that eventually things will go my way when the time is right because i cant fathom actually processing the dull ache in my chest knowing that your eyes never met mine if i dont blame some outside force, i will spend the rest of my life mourning something that never was at least if i blame the universe, i can pretend that it will happen later, that if i actually work towards the things that ive been trying to achieve it would at some point, eventually, lead me to you

the worst part is knowing that i dont actually know you, i just know my idea of you you could hate me the moment words leave my mouth you could roll your eyes and decide that i am not worth your attention which truthfully i dont think i am anyways

i look like your ex you look like mine i used to tell myself this was a sign but the more i think about it maybe its a warning maybe its some star-sent way to tell us that we are not meant to be together, that even if you finally looked at me we wouldve crashed

i wish i could write a song about it to do something that feels right, that feels like im at least using this ball of shame for something i like, something ive always wanted but i cant write music. i want more than anything to be able to. but its never worked maybe i just overthink it, placing too much emphasis on the quality to the point of stress yielding zero quantity but if i could do something with it id feel worse about it

im getting off topic i dont know why i convince myself of this every time that every time, something will be different maybe this time you'll talk to me maybe this time you'll spare some of the attention people would pay you for on me maybe this time you'll think something of me maybe this time you'll look at me, and in my eyes you'll see just how much ive convinced myself i want you

i could be anyone you want i could convince you that i wouldnt do that especially if you like those girls whose entire personality is contingent on your strife, the idea that id be bettering you in someway i could easily be that girl i could be the grimey girl who smoke cigarettes in the corner, and that ones easy, because that one is already me, because thats how i perceive myself through you i cant perceive myself without your influence anymore, god i wish i could i cant remember my actual personality because ive been playing mirrorball for you and you have never noticed id been keeping up while you continually move and no matter how tired i get i keep doing this because its all i know

maybe thats why i keep telling myself that the universe will make things go right because maybe if i have to truly comprehend the fact that i have placed all my cards in your unwilling and unparticipating hand id have to learn how to live without scheduling my personality to your time without taking the thoughts from your head and using them like lines to write my own story, a story you assumed was made for you, one that i know was

i dont have a real background i dont have a real me i am everything you have convinced yourself you have wanted i dont mind i dont mind forgetting my past i am constantly wishing i would forget, truthfully

i have resigned myself to constantly living in your shadow and with it, i have resigned myself to never being eye-to-eye with you

-- s.r. 2023