#and i can't tell if i've picked up an additional illness or if this is just me

[atalana]

trying to hold on to some semblance of a career while having a chronic illness like

[twistedwonderlandshenanigans]

Riddle's Backstory - Monster AU

Monster: Vampire Word Count: ~1.4K Relationships mentioned: Mother (Dr. Carlotta Rosehearts), Evelyn (Dr. Rosehearts "friend"/veteranarian), Che'nya TW: toxic helicopter mom, "experimental dieting" on a child/malnourishment, She deserves to loose her medical license, dead animal/blood, animal abuse

"How long have you had him on a restricted diet? He's not all that old Carlotta, are you sure it's safe to try something like that on someone so young? Even if you do, it's not a very good testing pool to only have one subject, a proper study would enta-" "It doesn't matter Evelyn. The point is, I cannot keep wasting my time on synthetically making blood for Riddle. He's gotten to the point where I'm finally going have to take the risk of letting him consume animals blood, but I need you to curate the diet for the pigs I plan to use. I've already located a great farmer who said he'll raise and take care of them for me so all I have to do is come by to pick it up. The pigs can't be too fatty, and they cannot have a high glucose diet. In addition-" "Carlotta-" "Do NOT interrupt me Evelyn, that is very unbecoming and rude. Since you had something so important to say, why don't you go on and spit it out."

The younger woman shifted uncomfortably in her seat. "The diet you've suggested so far for the pigs will result in a terrible quality of life for them, and will likely shorten their life spans by quite a bit....they...if the farmer listens to you they might even....cannibalize each other." She stared down at her clasped hands. Dr. Rosehearts had always been an intense woman, but she had been the woman she needed in order to get the motivation to go to vet school. However, she also somehow felt that Evelyn was eternally indebted to her, and demanded her input and participation on every new idea that struck her, morals be damned. It wasn't even so much her opinion she seeked- Carlotta just wanted someone to tell her she was doing something right. She wasn't even related to Evelyn, but she felt terrified of defying her. She couldn't help but feel bad for the boy who shared a roof with her. She'd only seen him once or twice- he was always in his room sleeping or studying- despite being only about six years old in human years. Dr. Rosehearts just scoffed at the young woman. "I couldn't care less about their quality of life, so long as they don't anything they're not meant to- like each other- and stick to the plan I have for them, then my son should be perfect and set for life so long as he only eats from them for the rest of his life." Evelyn took a steadying breath. "....yes, but if the pigs are ill, chances are your son will fall ill as well." "Well that's where you come in. You'll be nursing them and ensuring they remain as healthy as possible so I don't have to waste my time synthesizing blood." By the time Carlotta had finished her sentence, Evelyn's eyes were on the tiny redhead boy clinging to a blanket and small stuffed animal as he rubbed his eyes. "Synthesizing blood?

Carlotta seemed to freeze up in her seat, her lips pressing into a thin line as she gripped her armrest until her knuckles turned white. Evelyn glanced between her and the boy, unsure really what to do. "Mama, you said I had real blood starting when I was three cen-taur-ies old....right?" Riddle seemed to wake up a bit more, his hair still sticking up a little as he rubbed his eye. "Cuz you promi-" "BACK to your room. You're not supposed to be awake yet Riddle." Her tone made both Evelyn and Riddle flinch, but Riddle started to tear up. "B-but you promised I was big enough when I w-was th-" Carlotta gave Evelyn a fake smile as she stood up. "I'll be a moment." She felt like she was meant to step in, but couldn't bring herself to do anything even as she winced as Dr. Rosehearts grabbed her sons wrist hard, causing him to sob as he was dragged back to his room.

As promised, she was back a few moments later, her sons cries no longer heard unless she really listened for it. She sighed and sat down, shaking her head. "Honestly, children are just too nosy sometimes." Evelyn looked away from Carlotta, uncomfortable. ".....is it true?....you told him he got real blood when he was that age?....you know that's....well I know you know, but...that's when kids are supposed to switch over gradually to start building their immune systems and give them access to the real thing so they can start hunting and getting the nutrients they need without...lab precision." She looked down at the floor, but she could feel Carlotta's eyes burning a hole in the top of her head. Before she could let her intimidate her out of saying it, she finished her thought. "The way you feed him now, and the way you want me to help you feed him in the future, is going to keep him malnourished." Carlotta had never evicted someone from her home faster, before making her way to her own blood supply and indulging herself in her guilty pleasure. --------------------------------------------------------

Riddle sobbed quietly into his pillow, not wanting his mother to hear, but he could smell the blood she was drinking from where he was. It was so unfair. He had been so excited all those birthdays ago, because he was finally moving up in the world. He knew, from his reading, that he was meant to have the synthesized blood to make sure he didn't have exposure to anything his body couldn't handle. Around three centuries, he was supposed to have had rodent blood mixed with the synthesized blood, until he was drinking strictly rodent blood. And at five centuries- well the list went on, and he knew it well. Of course he did. His mother made him read all about that, and maths, and science and world history and alchemy and hexes and curses and all manner of things instead of letting him do...anything else. But apparently not even the one thing he thought she had given him was true. "Whyyyyy you cryin?" Riddle startled and suppressed a small scream into his pillow, clinging it close to his chest, panting and terrified at the head and hands poking out from under his blackout curtains. The purple haired boy frowned, and turned his head upside down, further startling Riddle by accident. "What's wrong? 'm just curious. Meowybe I can he-" Riddle threw the pillow too gently to really do anything to the boy, but didn't want to call his mother into his room unless he really had to. When the boy just smiled at him after the pillow, he relaxed a little, not feeling like he was angry. "Y-you have got to go.....you g-got to go before my mama hears you!" He whimpered and curled up as his stomach grumbled. Che'nya tilted his head to the side, his ear flicking a bit in response. "I'll be back little vampy, don't nya worry 'bout good ole Che'nya!" The boy seemed to disappear, leaving Riddle to wonder if that interaction had really just happened or not. A few minutes passed, and he decided to try to sleep again, whimpering softly as he laid back down. However as soon as he got comfortable he heard a bit of a scuffle outside his window and the purple head of hair popped under his curtain again, something in his mouth. Riddle watched, bewildered, horrified and fascinated as the rest of the boys body assembled slowly in his room, before the boy spit out the rat he had in his mouth unceremoniously, it still twitching on the ground, "You know how to eat it, right?" Riddle looked down in disgust at the animal for a moment, before instincts took over. He was just so hungry. In seconds, all that was left of the rat was the pelt and dehydrated husk of what it used to be, and little Riddle panting as he realized just how good and filling the rats blood was compared to whatever his mom gave him. Shakily, unsure, he handed back the remains of the rat, looking up at Che'nya pleadingly with a few tears in his eyes. "I'll getchya some more little vampy. Don't worry. You're not gonna go hungry anymore." ----------------------------------------------------------

A/N: Sorry for the abrupt ending lmao sjdfhlkjsdf if you made it here, you might want to check out my other Twstober works here, or if you're looking for some fluff after that fic, you can check out my main masterlist here. Ask box is open if you have any questions! Thanks for reading!

[baiika]

Karin is unique for many reasons, but like... nail in the coffin is because of her empathic & retrocognitive abilities.

(Technically, empathic & empathetic mean the same thing, but for the purpose of clarity, I'm exploring the parapsychological use. Karin's interpersonal skills will be explored in another post.)

We see in chapter 8 that Karin says she saw the death of Yuuichi when Chad brought the parakeet he occupied to the clinic in chapter 7, the boy in the parakeet. An event she was not present for, but nonetheless saw.

We also see earlier in the chapter that it seems to take a great toll on her.

This is notable because we don't seem to see anyone else with retrocognition? I know there are a few precognitive characters, but we don't ever see another character psychically witness another's life events.

Karin is also able to tell the difference between Kon & Ichigo. The most notable difference is in chapter 15 when Kon is, more or less, causing a ruckus.

There are also a few volume sketches & omake that seem to hint Karin is onto him. However, I'm having trouble sourcing them.

It's arguable that she has good reikaku, because as expressed in chapter 1, she can see ghosts as well as Ichigo is able to.

However, I think there's more to that. We see hollows make Karin ill in chapters 28 & 38. 

We never see anything like it in another character until chapter 552 where it's explained that hollows are "poisonous" to Quincy. However, Uryuu, Quilge, & the Soldat have no issues occupying Hueco Mundo. Quilge shows no acute adverse effects once absorbing Ayon.

I find it hard to believe Karin's malaise when in proximity to hollows is because they're poisonous. I believe the malaise is a combination of reiatsu weirdness & emotional exhaustion.

The weird influences of reiatsu

@/midnightactual has written about reiatsu's hallucinogenic qualities in the past & since it's pretty sound, I won't be elaborating. But it would definitely have adverse effects on Karin.

We also see that reiatsu can be used to intimidate, stun, & even kill people.

For instance, Genryuusai paralyses Nanao in chapter 154 & 155.

There's also some... weirdness when Yammy & UIquiorra invade the World of the Living in chapter 191.

Like, is Tatsuki's reaction EXCLUSIVELY because of Yammy's konzui? Or is it his overwhelming presence, that everyone, including Karin, pick up from MILES away earlier in the chapter?

Obviously, this isn't a comprehensive list, these are just off the top of my head. I would have more examples if I went through Deicide. But what's interesting is how it seems to really tucker out Nanao, & Tatsuki & Co. Seriously, it looks like they took a swift kick to the gut, & Karin doesn't look much different in chapters 28 & 38 where we see her adversely affected by hollow presences, only the effects for her are more extreme due to her empathic & retrocognitive abilities.

Emotional exhaustion of the barrage of Bad Feelings

I think it's worth mentioning how utterly exhausting it is to be constantly exposed to bad feelings.

I've already detailed Karin bottles up her feelings so I won't be reiterating that. Either way, she already has her own problems & deals with them poorly. Now she's dealing with everyone else's. It's proven that bottling that shit up is not great for your mental or physical wellbeing.

So, in addition to her own feelings, she's under a barrage of other people's sadness, anger, the malaise of hollows, etc. It's reasonable to assume that Karin is so rife with sadness, anxiety, depression, fear, etc, that it makes her ill.

Of course, I'm taking it further than that!

Karin's empathic powers can't be turned off. As Karin's powers improve, so does her empathic abilities. It contributes to Karin's depression & suicidal ideation, but I'll cover more on that another time since it's a lot to stomach. Karin is able to discern the minutia of the feelings of nearby people & see snippets of emotionally charged moments if her mind wanders. She has learned how to cope with it over the years by developing something similar to selective hearing... but it isn't very affective. Of course, this also extends to her reikaku to an extent. In addition to location & wellbeing, she can also get a vague sense of their mood.

By nature, it's a huge invasion of privacy, so Karin tries to be responsible with it. I don't depict Karin with any memory issues. Still, we can assume it would be difficult for Karin to remember everything she has & hasn't gleaned with her psychic abilities, so she purposefully pretends she forgets a lot about people. Karin's a shitty friend for a lot of reasons I'll explore another time, but she doesn't like listening to others' problems since she already feels literally everyone's everything every waking hour, bar a handful of exceptions. Normally, these are people she consider friends or mentors. Otherwise, she's as oblivious as possible about people's personal issues since she's feeling everyone's everything every waking hour. While she is friendly, this can be seen as selfish or standoffish.

Naturally, there's a lot we don't know about Karin's powers. Tite never goes into real detail with her after the first arc, & I think he forgot a lot about the minutia of side characters. 

[chase-the-windandtouch-the-sky]

Also, I'm feeling a lot of Big Things™ after that episode, and so I'm just gonna write em down to get them out of my system. Under the cut as not to drive anyone insane.

The Good:

I love that Daniel was a manifestation of Buck's own insecurities. I thought they did it really cleverly, Margaret calling Daniel 'needy' and having everyone question his place all the time was Buck's own experience projected on another person. He, in turn, took the role of what I assume he thought how they would treat Daniel and how much they loved him.

DAD!BOBBY DAD!BOBBY DAD!BOBBY

The fact that they confirmed this that Bobby brought 'one child' into he and Athena's marriage had me SCREAMING and I LOVED Athena's scene with Buck and her ordering. Angela Basset you are such a legend

Chris telling Buck he needed to come back from wherever he is with Eddie crying in the background? 10/10, no splash, no notes, can you hear the shrieks from my grave

Chimney almost immediately believing Buck - I literally have no qualms with this because of COURSE

Hen being her true icon self no matter the reality, I love that Buck's subconsciousness was like 'nope, she can't be changed, she is perfect'

I loved the 'I'm feel really guilty about that' towards leaving Chris - same Buck same

Self-love: I love that he came back for himself, not because he needed to give pieces of himself away, but because he recognized that a messy, loving world is better than any fake perfection he could dream of

The Weird:

I'm sorry but drugged!Bobby was so strange to me. The way I'm making it make sense to me is that it's what someone who doesn't really know what an addict looks like and made up a cartoonish version of addition in their head. With the pills and the alcohol and the weird hoodie... Reminds me of those weird D.A.R.E. productions at school where they're like 'this is a Fire Captain! And this is a Fire Captain ON DRUGS' *ominous music here

The Bad:

I feel like two people had their hands on the script here: Someone who wants Buddie and someone who doesn't. And that's not to say any ill-intention, but I felt like there were very separated threads going on. Between Eddie being his first 'memory' to the second being the tsunami with Chris, it was like they were setting up the thread at which Eddie and Chris tether his life. And instead an overabundance of Buckley parent redemption? It was like 2 thoughts were going on simultaneously that I didn't quite understand. Look - I understand if Buddie doesn't happen, despite the writers having the making of an honest to god epic queer romance on a mainstream show (scream), but it felt so out of step with itself

As for the Buckleys... listen, I am all for forgiving people and learning to grow with them, but also I think it could be SO powerful to have a storyline when you realize that is not an option. That the healthier pick would be to say no, move on, and grow for the better without toxic people in your life. THAT is powerful to me. Eddie's story with his dad was so beautiful and organic and it makes sense for them. The Buckleys? I felt like the person in the theater shouting "GET OUT OF THAT HOUSE" to Buck because he's about to be pretty girl murdered by his fake family.

I feel like giving a popular character the capacity to be 'I forgive you, but your role in my life isn't necessary because I've outgrown you' is such a powerful statement and could genuinely help so many people in toxic situations. Giving them the strength to see someone realize their own worth, set boundaries, and be okay with that change. I'm going to take the Buddie of it all out of the equation to prevent any comments about 'shipper goggles,' and simply say sometimes walking away is powerful and enough.'

[fizzingwizard]

work stuff

silly stuff: I have a new phone I hate it =) not really but I bought one that was cheap so I can't find cases for it, and I was just used to my old setup so now everything's diff... It has this horrible material on the back which is impossible to stick anything to! so adding my beloved phone ring hasn't worked. Tried hot glue gun, Elmer's glue... it does not stick lol.

ANYWAY, I covered in Moomin stickers and my coworker goes "EHHH you like Moomins?"

me: "yeah!"

her: "But... you're so cool!

x'D Idek what she meant. I'm not cool, but I've been told my whole life that I come off serious. I don't really know what to do about it, I'm not serious person at all, but people decide lots of things based on random stuff to substitute actually getting to know you. And they conclude I'm serious. I can only guess that's what she meant by "cool" lol. It was very funny to hear myself described as "cool" at all though. If only the kids from junior high were there!

less serious stuff: not gonna get into buuuuut GUESS WHAT WE'RE MAJORLY UNDERSTAFFED AGAIN! aaaaand stomach flu is going around, so a bunch of teachers have been out sick. I'm fine! Which is so great because I get to go to work and pick up the slack :) so fun. Since we're understaffed, we've had to ask for help from another school. We've had to ask a lot the past few months because of the understaffing, and this week, with the addition of illness, it's been even more.

So there's a teacher from the other school there in the afternoon (actually an admin, not teacher), and as she's leaving I thank her for her help (we had a tough afternoon today, the kids have no mercy lol). She says: "I like coming here... but not this often." x'D It wasn't impolite, and I don't blame her a bit... She has her own work and they've had a bout of illness at her school too. She shouldn't have to come over here and help us, especially not so often. But what can I do about it? Why tell me? Does she think anyone listens to me x'D because I promise they do not! I'm here every day, covering for coworkers, as well as looking after my own class without one of my coteachers because she quit in September. All that kind of comment does is make me feel like guilty, like there's something else we should be doing? Browbeating people for getting sick? Cloning ourselves so we can meet the mandated teacher-student ratio without help?? I would LOVE to not have to ask for help from the other school but I literally cannot do anything about it.

I'm a little ticked off for a bunch of reasons, but it boils down to there's just not much appreciation for those of us who are sticking it out and covering for others. It feels like when people are absent, the people who show up to work get the brunt of the disappointment and the dissatisfaction. It is always a scramble trying to make everything work out and it's stressful.

We don't perform as well in suboptimal conditions... That's as true for pre-K as it is anywhere else. Yes kids deserve the best always but teachers are only human. Just because you throw in random admin stuff or teachers from other rooms who don't know our routine or our kids doesn't mean now everything's going to be fine. Ratio is not everything. If you see a problem, maybe instead of complaining or lecturing about it... help out?? lol smh. This happened with an event we did recently, where there was a fuss by some people that things were not progressing as smoothly as they're supposed to... Surprise surprise, one of the teachers who was supposed to lead it had just quit :) everyone else on the team were FIRST TIMERS. The only one who wasn't a sub!! But they got lectured... it wasn't there fault. Hard to say whose fault it was - ideally, if that happens, someone in a leadership position would say, "OK, that teacher quit, so the new team is all newbies and will probably need some advice so they know when to get stuff going with this event." But our boss isn't really involved in teacher activities and has enough on her plate. There isn't always a team leader on campus either. The rest of us are all equals and we aren't keeping tabs on each other. That's not our job. Soooo... no one noticed, basically, until it was almost too late.

But the reason things went wrong there is because of understaffing. Not any teacher being lazy or careless. And today a bunch of stuff went wrong. Because we were understaffed, there were big changes during the day as another teacher called in sick and another went home in the middle of the day also sick, and it threw a wrench into the rest of our schedules. As a result, things that usually get done in a certain order were scrambled through or misplaced. Despite that we were all doing more work than usual. I did cleaning duty for both my coteacher and myself because she had to stay in the nap room for a long time. I also wrote in our class journal (required) and worked on stuff for the next event. AND I wrote half of our students' daily messages (also required) and my coworker did the other half. Usually we do those messages during classtime. But I had to cover for another class during the time I typically write them. We would have then written them after lunch, but our sub was the teacher who went home sick, so we were under ratio and had to scramble to recalibrate so stuff could stay legal. We ended up very behind and couldn't write the messages. So that had to be done during afternoon prep as well. Because of that chain of events, neither of us thought to refill the diaper bin. Probably also because of us that chain of events, the teachers on duty at naptime didn't finish writing all the naptimes in the kids' journals. Which is an easy fix, but became a lecture?? We KNOW what to do. We do it just fine every day. It is NOVEMBER. School year started in April. It does not occur to you that perhaps things got missed because our day was bananas?? (Nah definitely because we suck lol)

I took a 30 min break at 3:15 pm. I went and got a drink and read a book. I didn't take any break yesterday. I'm supposed to get one hour. It's not even a paid hour. If I'd done more classroom organizing today I would not have had even that 30 min. But heaven help us, someone had to walk out and pick up a diaper for one student because of my laziness. Lol.

The expectation at this job is really becoming "constantly work and don't take a break" and I'm so not here for it. I know I keep saying I'll find a new job and never do but I am going to I swear...

[cheeseburgerjaunt]

"To be gorgeous, you have to be seen. And if you are seen, you can be hunted." or something like that, from Ocean Vuong.

---

You told me you felt sick. I believe every word. Your body feels fully ill. A negative covid test, a temperature of 98. None of that matters, you feel weighed upon.

I've brought home treats and flowers - I had picked them up before you told me you were sick. I make the point that I didn't buy them out of pity. It is not only when you feel pitiful that I love you. Although I've meant to make you a bouquet of Trader Joe's flowers like we saw that guy do on Instagram, I have put it off for several months. Today I made the decision to show you love in this way - to approach you with a romantic intention.

I just don't want you to think it was done out of pity. Unless that would be better.

You question out loud, after your second cup of bone broth, "Maybe it was the frozen shortbread I ate." The uncooked dough we left uncovered on a plate in the freezer before the holidays.

My wrist feels as though it is broken. Or on its way towards uselessness. Only after a long day do I remember that I fell on it three times while snowboarding about a week ago.

---

I had so much more to say, but the sleeping aid is quietly obliterating my consciousness like an eraser tool with a low flow.

---

My ankles are worn. Honestly, the mark of a day filled with well-spent hours. I remember watching Kevin Durant's MVP speech live online, for some reason. He spoke to, and about his mother. How she fed him before herself. How she did so much with so little.

For some reason, I have decided that's what being a partner is. I have imagined myself as a Father, and I know that right now I have nothing additional to offer. I could care for you all day if I wasn't so invested in my self expression. I don't have many hobbies, I don't like to be a burden.

As I think about commercial photography, I just can't imagine stomaching the process of creating a message so incredibly artificial with the precious hours of an entire production crew.

I'm not entirely sure what I did wrong.

And now I'm descending to pity.

The artists I admire pushed their craft into a new space.

Even Irving with his cigarettes printed them, obsessively.

I know I just push for freedom - I push for no one to question me, or challenge me, or tell me that it's not good enough.

I would love to make the photos that Heather Hazzan makes - I would love that. But I know I'll rot my mind to death fearful of my own boredom with their technical prowess.

[beaujagr]

oof.

context/content warnings: relationships, bipolar I disorder, mania, depression, conflict, communication, disability, house repairs, plumbing problems, car accident mention, illness mention, PTSD, money mention, mention of insects (bees/yellow jackets) in housing structure, self loathing, healthcare

I've been manic for around a month I think now, and I'm sick of it, and I'm sick of myself

My health search for answers to the issues I'm having still has not come to fruition. I got several negative results this week, but no information or answers or progress. I'm running out of ways to justify the medication to help reduce the symptoms I'm experiencing, and yet have no way to confirm or treat those symptoms, and I am struggling to communicate with my doctors and terrified of what will happen if we can't find an answer - whether it turns out to be "nothing" or it just gets worse.

At the beginning of the week, my weekly meeting with my spouse was mostly composed of him explaining to me that my conversational tendency (clear in this post) to put multiple problems or items in a list at the beginning of a conversation before anyone can respond, combined with my inability to tell the length of a pause in conversation meaning I often don't wait long enough for others to respond and accidentally overlap or start talking before they can, is making it virtually impossible for us to communicate without him becoming very overwhelmed and frustrated. I do not have a solution yet. Later this week, my partner (other person) was sick with a sinus infection and went to pick up something at the store, and on the way, got rear-ended and it caused notable damage to his car, the involved law enforcement were negligent at best, and he ended up having to to the ER the next morning because of a messed up shoulder and whiplash. It was all really triggering to me due to my own accidents, and I was concerned about him & wanted to ensure he could get all the paperwork and stuff done so I have been helping him where I can, but he's been super irritable because of the discomfort and stress, so our communication has been rough.

We had a leak in the same water pipe that recently was repaired for almost $1k, and it followed with an additional leak yesterday, and I have been managing contact with the insurance partially. I was talking with my spouse about the expenses, and in his stress, he decided to withdraw from his 401k (something I agree we had to do) but didn't confirm the amount or the final decision with me, and it made me feel left out. He apologized, but the stress surrounding house issues and finances is tied to communication struggles.

Multiple delays and failed communications led to us getting a nest of yellow jackets in our casement window that I've been trying to clear out now because my partner is allergic, and it's been a nightmarish and exhausting process and I'm very sick of it.

The disability office fucked up my paperwork and I had to redo a whole bunch of stuff and resubmit it, and the communication surrounding it has been really confusing and stressful.

Someone I've been talking to and spent some time with expressed to me that my overwhelming level of communication and use of multiple platforms to communicate, especially on a daily basis, has been stressing them out and making them unable to build the energy to desire seeing me in person (the opposite of my intent) and asked that we reduce our level of communication. I respect and understand this, but I realized I can't really tell the correct amount of time to wait between sending messages, whether this means I should not go to events we would be at simultaneously, and whether I shouldn't communicate in shared chats, and even asking them about those boundaries made me want to throw up because I don't want to bother them more than I already have but I so much want to be able to be connected to them and continue having good experiences and a good time. I feel like an asshole and I'm also stressed and confused.

On top of all of this, my therapist called me out in therapy for inserting myself into my partner's lives too much and doing too much labor beyond my energy levels and faculties related to things like paperwork, scheduling, logistics, house maintenance, and healthcare. I explained initially that they sometimes do need help, and while some of it is because I don't want to see them struggle, and because I don't trust systems or authorities or service people to actually be helpful and I don't want the consequences of them failing to execute those things to have fallout on me, that's not all.

My biggest struggle is that I know that when I had to deal with all those things and didn't have people helping me, especially when I was struggling a lot, it only made things worse for me. What I want is to ensure that no one I care about ends up like me. I don't want them to have to experience failures and losses over and over again, burning out and losing everything repeatedly, and ending up a burden to everyone they know and love and feeling permanently and constantly unworthy of even asking people to respect their boundaries or help them meet their needs. No one should be like me. I don't want to be like me. It was a really rough session.

What I've learned basically is that when I'm manic, I'd be better off locking myself in a box and tossing myself in a river than trying to engage with other people, and that my experience of the world has only taught me that I should hate myself just as much as the world and other people so often make me feel like they do.

The idea of someone I care about ending up like me because the system and other people failed them makes me hypervigilant in concern for their wellbeing and ability to do things like necessary paperwork, get care, meet daily needs, and so on, because I know that the consequences of not achieving all of those things has any potential that they might end up being like me, and I'd rather run myself to the ground and die than have more people having the experience of life that I have had so far.

The worst part is, this entire week has only reinforced all of these feelings for all of those reasons and events above, and has left me in a state that I don't know what to do. I hate myself so utterly and inexorably, and every day gives me new reasons to hate myself more and also confirm how I am constantly and unendingly just disappointing and stressing and overwhelming and failing everyone I care about and many people I don't care about so much.

I don't know how to keep being this person. Mania is bad, but it's not like I'm better when depressed or apathetic or hypomanic or burnt out. I'm never just okay, and I never will be, and the world is never going to stop finding new ways to reverse every ounce of progress I make. I don't know how to do this anymore, and I'm not allowed to stop existing, so I feel like I'm stuck forever. I hate it, and I hate myself for making it so much worse every time.

[canisitsnotlupus]

Hi, I just stumbled upon your blog, and I was wondering if you have any advice on training a dog to not bite? My family's fostering a 9-month old mutt named Kayla, who we've had about 7 weeks, and she's proving to be difficult. She snaps at people and very occasionally draws blood, and I've never heard her growl outside of play, and there's barely any warning of an incoming bite if you can't see her face. She's probably only 20 pounds, and though she used to let us pick her up to put her in her kennel, she won't anymore -- I'll sit next to her on the bed and pet her, but when my hand starts to go under her, she'll bite at it. It seems like she's afraid some of the time, but other times she'll go after hands like they're toys, and she's got a strong enough jaw that even those grazes hurt. She's just a foster, and there's a very good chance that if she bites an adopter, she'll get put down.

We're not taking her to adoption events anymore(obviously), but last time we did(3ish weeks ago), we had noticed that she wouldn't leave her stitches alone(she'd been spayed a month prior), and we wanted to show the head of our foster organization(lets call her amy). So my mother picks her up, and Kayla's completely fine until Amy starts to get closer to her, at which point Kayla starts thrashing and biting. Amy decided to have her kid(an adult) come over and hold the dog so she can get a good look at it, and then they walk away, with Kayla screaming and thrashing. When they come back, Kayla's stopped thrashing, Amy has determined that there's a stitch still in Kayla's incision, and Amy's kid has a gash in her hand from keeping the dog from eating somebody's face. Amy's advice is to never give Kayla what she wants when she starts biting, and to just wait for her to tire herself out and then keep doing whatever it is you were doing. We also have 3 other dogs, and they're not particularly comfortable with her, because she clearly doesn't get it when they tell her to back off.

TL;DR: do you have any recommendations for training a dog that bites people against that, besides "hand her off to a trainer"?

Sorry for the long ask, it's just that Google isn't providing any relevant results, and finding your blog seemed like fate. Let me know if there's any additional info I can offer that would help!

I do not offer training advice online unless I'm 1) being paid (nothing to do with you - I'm just notorious working for free a lot and it was one of my 2023 things to fix!) and 2) it is not aggression. Given this is aggression, yes, the only suggestion - and the only ethical one from *any* dog trainer in my opinion - is you need to find a trainer to work directly with you - preferably in person, as this is dealing with a dangerous situation. My suggestion for this is always: 1) vet first, and get completely cleared for any sort of injury/illness. 2) a local positive trainer who has experience with reactivity and aggression. 3) the dog is kept on a strict schedule that does not allow people, other animals, etc. to be put in a dangerous situation where they can be bitten while working with a trainer to find the cause and form a game plan. 4) look for a behaviorist if trainer recommends it or contact vet about anxiety medications that can help dog get into a state where training and rehabilitation can happen. My heart breaks for you. Aggression is so difficult and heartbreaking to deal with, and I am so sorry you're going through it, but morally I do not feel I can give you any advice beyond these bare basic frameworks I would suggest for any training issue. I know it wasn't the answer you wanted to hear. I am not sure of the wording, but if you meant 'hand her off' as rehome, I do not think that might be necessary unless you've spoken with someone directly that can help you. I also, generally, tend to shy from board and trains (also not sure if you meant that, I apologize) for aggression, but that's more I don't trust most trainers. I would find someone 1) positive based only, 2) aggression experience, and 3) that comes to your home to work with you and gives you a game plan that they will help you execute. Thank you for the ask and I am wishing you luck, and again, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope your pup recovers well from this issue and you go on to have many happy days together. <3

[scuttle-buttle]

What's One More?

WC: 3204

Rated: M

Tags: brief mentions of crime/mental illness/child abuse and neglect/substance addiction/theft, fluff, family dynamics, mentions of aging, mentions of difficult pregnancy, softness, anxiety attack

🧠

The harsh vibrating of a phone on the nightstand breaks your slumber. Still half asleep you toss your arm back to thump against your sleeping husband's side. With a groan he answers. You try to settle back into your pillow and the warmth of the blanket. Whoever has the balls to call at this hour has another thing coming - but later because your priority is going back to sleep.

He can't have been on the call more than fifteen seconds before he sits up in bed suddenly, turning on the bedside lamp; his movements grab your attention. You roll over. The light blinds you and you rub at your eyes to adjust. You can't make out what's being said. Looking at the clock to see that it's barely 4 am you know something bad has happened. Quietly you slip out from the covers.

Making your way down the hall you peek into your daughter's room, grateful that she's still fast asleep. Her soft snores punctuate the calm. Your nerves abate knowing she’s safe. By the time you get back to the bedroom Laszlo is up and getting dressed. "What's going on?"

He doesn't answer at first. You wait until he's finished buttoning his shirt to ask again. "Sara was called to consult on a triple homicide case - she's asked for me to come down to the police station. I don't know much yet, but it's something involving a young boy and she wants me to speak with him."

“Did he…?”

“No. He was not directly involved, that much we know.”

You nod, leaning against the door frame. This wasn't the first time that Laszlo had been called in by law enforcement and social services to assist with children and teens that needed psychological help. He had become more active around the time you graduated with your doctorate. After Sophia was born Laszlo helped fund an after school program for kids that focused on support for mental health and behavioral issues. He was so passionate about being able to help these kids. But it was never at this ungodly hour. "You'll call or something when you know what's up?" you ask through a yawn.

"Of course, Bärchen." He gives you a chaste peck. Gently he guides you back towards your bed and sits you down. "Go back to sleep, there's no need to worry. I love you." With that he left.

Your sleep is fitful with him gone. You worry over things that you aren't even aware of, over who is hurt, over how severe a situation it could be to have been called in the middle of the night, over the poor boy that needs Laszlo’s help. When your daughter tiptoes into the room around 6 you welcome her into the bed with open arms.

"Why are you up, baby bug?"

"Where's Papa?" She climbs up on his side of the bed and rubs his cold pillow. On her face is a deep frown.

"He had to go help some very important people early this morning. He'll be back to see you soon, I promise."

"I miss him. He always helps me with my shoes."

You can't help the smile that crosses your face. "I know, baby. But it's still early so let's take a nap before we have to get ready, hmm?" The two of you snuggle under the covers. With her curled into your side you do find rest, even for the short time before your alarm chimes.

The day moves sluggish as you wait for word from your husband. Little work was to be done today at the museum, so there wasn't much to keep your mind off the wondering. You considered calling. You considered texting. But you knew that when the time was right he would let you know. No news is good news, you think.

Finally the day came to a close. You picked up Sophia and stopped by the store on the way home to grab supplies for dinner. She insisted that she carry one of the bags inside - little miss independent that she was. “Careful not to drop it, okay? Use those muscles of yours to hold the bag tight.”

“Mama I know, I help Papa carry all the time,” she explains matter-of-factly.

The townhouse is quiet as you begin to unpack. You do a quick glance into the dining room and parlor to no avail. "Laz, honey? You home?" A few seconds later you hear movement from the stairs.

Your husband rounds the corner into the kitchen, swooping down to scoop your daughter into his left arm, peppering her face in exaggerated smooches. Her giggles light up the room from the dim atmosphere. He perches her on his hip. “How was your day my little dove?”

“So good Papa - I practiced my counting today at school. I can get the biggest in the class! Mommy said I must be the most smartest," she prattles on.

“Wunderbar!” he praises her before turning to you. “I didn't hear you come in." Laszlo kisses you.

Pinning him with a look you say "you also didn't call me today? You said you would and I've been worried all day."

Sophia crosses her arms and harrumphs from her father's hip; "me too Papa." He quirks an eyebrow at her before speaking.

"Yes… there is something I wished to speak with you on but didn't think it was suitable for the phone." You raise your own brows but continue to put away groceries. "I do not wish to discuss certain aspects of the case in present company-" he nods towards Sophia minutely "-but we do have a houseguest for the foreseeable future."

"Oh?" Your brows dip in confusion. This is not what you were expecting.

Laszlo peeks around the doorway and calls out "Stevie, would you come join us in the kitchen please."

Stevie? You don't know a Stevie...

A moment later a lanky boy with scruffy dark blond hair shuffles into the room. He can't be anymore than 15. His clothes are too big on him and his shoes are worn beyond belief; nevertheless he gives you a slight smile. “This is Stevie Taggert, he’s going to be staying here with us in the guest room for now.”

“Good evening Mrs. Kreizler,” the boy says nervously, his voice cracking.

You spare a look at your husband before turning to the teenager with a smile. “Ah, no need for that, kid. You can just call me by my name instead. And welcome to our home. You like spaghetti?”

“Yes ma’am.”

“Awesome! And I’m certainly not old enough to be a ma’am,” you give him a wink. You set up a pot to boil the water for the pasta. Laszlo excused himself to spend some time with Sophia, leaving you and Stevie in the kitchen.

He clears his throat behind you. “Would um… is there anything I can do to help?”

"I would love that, thank you."

The two of you get to work on making dinner. Stevie doesn’t say too much, but he is very polite and does his best to be useful. Once the food is nearly finished your family has returned ready to eat. You send Stevie and Sophia to set the table.

“Should I be worried?” you ask Laszlo quietly, watching the doorway the two left through.

“I don’t think so. I just felt that I would rather he have a familiar face to adjust with instead of being placed in a group home like many end up.”

You study his face. “You’ve taken a liking to him haven’t you?”

“Well…" his face reddens at your question. "He reminds me a bit of myself when I was his age.” The conversation is cut short by the kids returning.

The rest of dinner and the evening goes smoothly. You make it a point to not bring up any questions that could trigger the teenager, especially before you’ve spoken with Laszlo about the situation at hand. When Stevie nearly eats his weight in pasta you say nothing, wondering how long it's been since he's had a good home cooked meal. He insists on helping clean up the dishes afterwards. Without even knowing what the boy has gone through your heart aches for him.

You set him up in the small renovated basement downstairs while Laszlo puts Sophia to bed. Handing him one of your husband’s old Harvard t-shirts to sleep in you tell him “I’m sorry you’ll be down here by yourself, but if you need us for anything don’t be afraid to come get us - no matter what time it is, okay? And if you get cold there’s an extra blanket right here for you. I know it's July but….” you shrug. “Tomorrow after I get home from work we can go to the store and get you some stuff to use, some more clothes, that kinda thing.”

“Yes ma’am.” At the teasing look you give him his ears burn red with his mumbled “right sorry.”

“Alright Stevie. We’ll see you in the morning, sleep well.”

Laszlo is in bed reading when you enter the room. Nothing is said as you ready yourself for bed. Slipping under the covers you face him. He sighs and closes his book.

“I’m sorry I didn’t call. I became caught up in the day and only arrived home with Stevie maybe half an hour before you did.” He sighs a second time. “Most of the case I cannot talk about, but what I can say is he was living with his mentally ill father, whom was also an addict. He missed the last few weeks of the school year and has been regularly stealing food to get by. He has no other family. I just… it didn’t feel right to let him process his experiences away from someone properly trained to deal with these sorts of things, in addition to how traumatic entering foster care at his age can be. I spoke with those in social services and was granted temporary custody until we find another more permanent solution.”

“Of course.”

He takes hold of your hand. “You aren’t upset with me?”

“I mean it would’ve been nice to have a bit more warning… but I get it. He can stay as long as he needs to. He’s a sweet kid,” you reassure him. “I told him that I would take him shopping after work tomorrow, so if you could pick up Soph from preschool that would be great.”

“Perhaps instead we can all go? I was thinking that I would bring him to the university with me so that he’s not alone all day. You could get her and then we could meet somewhere, get dinner afterwards?”

You lean closer to him to curl around his arm and rest your head on his shoulder. He always thought so much about others, especially children. Laszlo had such a heart of gold and it honestly left you in awe of just how much he was willing to give so that others could find peace and happiness. Like the older he got the more he had to give. The thought warms you. “How are you literally the best person I know? And to think you used to be so worried about being able to be a good father and now you’re the best of all of us.” He huffs a little as you nuzzle into his chest.

“I have you to thank for that, Bärchen.” He drops a kiss to your head. “But it’s getting late and I’ve been up all day. We should get some sleep.”

Soon after you're both dreaming.

___

Stevie had been with you for three weeks. It only took him a few days to start to settle in, and you discovered that he was quick with his wit and far smarter than he let on. He was a little bit of a sarcastic smart-ass at times, but all in good nature. He was endlessly entertaining. Laszlo sat down with him almost everyday to talk about what he was feeling, the things he experienced, and ways to deal with the loss of his family. Already you both saw improvement.

Even Sophia got on well with him. Most teenage boys wanted nothing to do with little kids, let alone a 4 year old that loved playing 'spaceship barbie'. But not Stevie. On his fifth day you'd found him sat on the floor playing with her and going along with her childlike imagination. When she insisted he play the barbie that needed saving he went along with it, high pitched voice and everything. He even encouraged her to pick up her toys before bed - a feat you and your husband struggled with at times. It struck you how much Stevie became a big brother of sorts to her.

Laszlo grew even more fond of the boy. He wasn't really one for TV, but every evening he sat and watched some show on Netflix about racing with the teen and didn't complain once. Laszlo had tried to explain the role of adrenaline in racing drivers as a psychological function, but Stevie just brushed it off and said it was the driving so fast that made it "cool".

The two did bond over an unlikely subject - punk rock. When you got home from work two weeks into his stay and heard the music blasting in the parlor you worried someone had broken in. Whipping into the room you saw Laszlo in his chair tapping his foot to the intense guitar and singing; Stevie nodded along to the music as he held an old album cover. It didn't take long for Sophia to start jumping along to the music too.

"What is this?" You yelled out over the bass - you couldn't recognize it and it clearly wasn't English.

"Die Toten Hosen, a band I listened to growing up in Germany. Stevie found the record and asked to listen."

"Listen? I think you mean blow out your eardrums!" Even with needing to shout to be heard you had to laugh at the situation. How your husband had a secret love for German punk you'll never know; yet you would never let him live it down.

And when Stevie came and woke you both up in tears three nights ago you made him hot chocolate while Laszlo sat down with him. He confessed that he had never been treated or cared for like he was in your home. How he wished he could stay because he felt wanted. Your heart broke for the boy. To be so young and so lost, craving someone to simply be there for him.

Yet everyday he grew more open. He broke out of his shell. He had goals and ambitions; he wanted to amount to something bigger than he had thought he ever could. It almost shocked you at how much fire was within him.

At how much he fit in with your little family.

At how it was like he was meant to be there.

___

Laszlo was oddly quiet when you got home. Sophia had run off to find Stevie, and you tracked your husband down to his office. He listened as you talked about your day for a good ten minutes; he said almost nothing the whole conversation.

You move closer to him. Placing the back of your hand to his forehead you check to see if he's feverish or sick. He didn't feel warm. "Laz, are you feeling okay?"

He gently pulls your hand down and leaves a kiss on your palm. "The department of social services called this morning to inquire about what we want to do with Stevie. This would be the third time they have asked."

He hadn't mentioned it to you at all that they were calling already. "Okay. What do you think we should do?" You pause for him to continue.

"I told them I would need to speak with you before any further decisions were made regarding him…" His fingers tap against the wood of his desk. "I'm not sure I have an answer for them. Nor for you." He swallows. "I'm afraid of what might become of him should he go into the system. Or that he will not get the support he needs given his past. Any option involving allowing him to stay for a bit longer is a commitment I won't make without your full support, of course. I could never ask that of you." As he speaks you can hear the frustration pouring from him, feel the irritation radiating through the room. "I refuse to give up on him- I- I just don't have the answers on what to do without them hounding me and he deserves better than this, dammit."

"He does… Do you remember on your 50th birthday, what you told me?" Laszlo looks up at you confused. "You said that you had wished you were ten years younger so you had the energy and time to do all of it again. That if you were younger we would've had a whole gaggle of kids - brothers and sisters for Sophia."

"Wishing I was younger doesn't make a difference in helping Stevie-"

"Laszlo - let's adopt him." Your words stop him in his tracks. You had decided not to have any more after your daughter was born. Laszlo was nearing 50 and the pregnancy had been hard on you. But regardless you knew that you both had the means and the love to give another child, probably five or ten more children if you really wanted to. So why not start with one that's already wormed his way in to the family? "I've seen how fond you are of him already. You've taken him under your wing as if he was your own. And how good he is with Sophia? Hell I couldn't ask for a better older sibling for her - and she loves him already. And honestly, Laz, I do too."

"You think we should adopt Stevie?"

"I think we should ask, yeah. He deserves a good home and a strong father figure that's going to put him first. He looks at you like you hung the stars, Laszlo. He needs us, and truthfully I think we need him. So yeah - what's one more added to this little shindig we've got going for us?"

"Have you-"

"-thought it through? Yes. Completely."

You can see the smile he fights to hold back. "We should call tomorrow and see what the protocol is for stating our intent to adopt and getting the paperwork."

"Um…" You shuffle your feet. Nose scrunched, you confess "I may have already called them. On the way from work I asked about what would need to be done if we wanted to pursue that route, but since they already know who we are from you working with them for years it can be fast tracked." You pull him out of his chair to stand before you. "All we have to do is say 'go'."

He has no hesitation.

"Go."

Laszlo doesn't hold back his smile or his laughter as he spins you around his office floor. You're certain your children downstairs can hear your giggles.

Tag list

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[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

food, health, need advice. hi so i'm a caretaker and cooking is a struggle, i know how to cook but sometimes if i'm making something for myself the person i take care of (mom) takes most of my food? and i have executive dysfunction so it can be hard to cook meals for myself. idk how much of this is real but i've heard that a bad quality diet can make mental illness worse? sometimes i don't eat but then when i do eat it's always junk food and caffeinated drinks and i suffer from daily migraines.

Hey anon,

I'm sorry that's happening. Sounds like a frustrating experience. You deserve kindness and to get a good portion of the food you're cooking.

I think it would help to communicate to your mom how you're feeling. If you're willing to make more food and share with her, tell her that. You can also tell her that you are willing to make food for both of you, but you need to know beforehand, so you can make enough, if that's something you're willing to do. Communicating boundaries can be really important when it comes to caregiving. If this is not a possibility right now, I suggest telling her what time you're available to make food and what you'll be making. Then, plate for both of you and ensure you have enough on your plate.

Other, more general tips are to make food that can be eaten as leftovers the next day, or even later that same day. Pasta, casserole dishes, slow-cooker dishes, etc all work well as leftovers. Try to pick recipes that take few steps, such as slow-cooker recipes, oven-baking, etc.

A healthy, well-balanced diet is really important for concentration, brain functioning, critical thinking, as well as physical things such as balance, fine motor skills, energy, and, as you know, migraines. It's hard to cope with mental illness when you're not eating enough of what you need. All food has nutritional value, but some have more variety than others.

Make it a priority to eat. If you don't take care of yourself, you can't take care of someone else to the best of your ability. You deserve to feel energized, healthy, and full. Your body's hunger queues are probably a bit messed up right now, so be patient with yourself as you reset things. Remember that it is always better to eat something than nothing, even if that's fast food, candy, chips, a pb&j, instant noodles, etc.

Keep small snacks available. If you occupy a particular area for most of your day, have a snack basket there. In mine, I've had nuts, juice, water, pretzels, popcorn dried fruit, electrolyte drinks, pudding, rice cakes, peanut butter, fruit, dry cereal, crackers, and pickles. Some of these items need to be replaced or thrown out if not eaten fast enough, so it's okay to omit these ones if you don't think you'll be able to keep things clean.

Don't be afraid to take shortcuts. There's absolutely nothing wrong with a bagged salad, canned food, or pre-cooked meals when you're not up for cooking. When you are able to cook, try to do a little meal-planning and prep things as much as you can. Even chopping veggies can be a big help. They can be used in many different things and eaten raw with dressing. Making a plate of pickles, meat, and cheese can be a great addition so you get a bit of everything. Personally, I like just eating crackers and cream cheese, with pickles if I'm able. Even if you're not cooking a whole meal, you can eat components and still get what you need. Here are 100 no-cook foods.

You'll need carbs, fat, and protein. I think by balancing the cooked meals and these shortcuts, you can get enough nutritionally valuable food in you.

As for migraines specifically, this could definitely be caused by your diet. Make sure you're having enough water, eat foods with magnesium (bananas, seeds/nuts, legumes, spinach, brown rice), and take moments in your day to breathe, rest, and relax. Check in with yourself and just take a few deep, slow breaths, breathing out through your mouth. Lowering your baseline of stress may help your migraines.

Take care.

- Misa

[actualbird]

hello hi!!! first of all i must say i'm eternally grateful for stumbling upon your fics on ao3 in my early days of playing ToT (less than a month i guess, too lazy to check rn haha), this was such a blessing, i mean, your writing is outstanding, to me you're a type of writer every fandom needs - keen in observing the characters and putting them to life, giving them additional depth with such skill. whew. anyway you're a blessing.

secondly i was scrolling through your blog here reading all i could abt marius because yeah, he's my #1 boy. lately i've been struggling with my perception of myself gender-related, not gonna go into detail bc it's not that important, anyways a lot of self-doubt and answers i can't find. but then. your posts about marius, the mc and your thoughts on their gender and behaviour, ways of expressing themselves, etc etc. and it had helped me enormously, you know. i tried many pronouns, names, ways of expressing myself, nothing clicked as right until i've read your posts about how both of them wouldn't care too much and just go as they are, i mean, i don't exactly remember the actual quote but you wrote how marius asked the mc if she's okay with him calling her she and miss and if she'd prefer any other pronouns, and she said nah i'm ok with miss still. and then i was like oh god wow, this exactly. i mean i don't HAVE to pick any specific pronouns or change my clothing style or start or stop putting more or less makeup on (im feminine afab and to put it shortly i'm ok with any look, gnc or not lol) it's just like that! that simple. so i'm forever grateful for this revelation, for the fact that i started playing this game and eventually found you. ty 💜 (also i'm sorry for my words choosing and whatever, english is my second language and i don't care much about grammar or sounding properly lol, and maybe if my message was too personal and i've dumped a lot of unneeded things on you. i'm sorry in advance for that also, you can ignore this mess of a message haha)

hello, anon!!

first off, no need to ever apologize for english trouble bc mood.

second off, thank you so much for your kind words on my writing :(((

and third off, i'd like to preface this response by giving a meme thats basically how i looked like as i read this ask

no frigging joke. tears in my eyes. ive been having a bad day today and a bad night yesterday, in regards to my writing so reading this just....it means a lot to me.

im so so honored that my works helped you figure out this part of yourself. truly and absolutely, your gender and expression of it doesnt need a strict label or rules if you dont want that. it's anything you want it to be, whatever makes you feel most like yourself. since i wrote those hcs, ive got the right to tell u marius and mc are so so happy for you. and i am too.

im just.....very very positively baffled to receive this ask at all. emphasis on positive. like i said earlier, ive been having a bad time irt how i feel about my writing kdsjbfsjg. most of it boiled down to the fact that not only is everything i make just like, not good writing, but also that it's useless and amounts to nothing.

and then i get this ask.

and it's not the first one of its kind ive received.

off the top of my head, ive received a dm from somebody telling me that my fanfiction years ago had inspired them to pursue writing in college and they were just accepted for a masters degree in creative writing. ive gotten a comment on a fanfic that said the story gave them the courage to confess to their crush and them and that other person have been together ever since. ive gotten asks like this telling me that my works helped them feel seen irt to gender, mental illness, or just like...being a person.

theres no way i can prove all these things happened in real life. ive got the messages and comments archived in chat histories or on this blog or on my ao3 comments, but these are words online, and stories can always be made up.

but if they are true then...huh.

it makes me feel honored.

im probably never going to get to the point where i'll see myself as a good person or where i stop doubting what i create, but if what i make can result in things like this, then man, what i think doesnt fucking matter. im not good but what i make can maybe, just maybe, result in good.

all this i ramblingly type to say thank you. from the bottom of my heart, thank you for telling me this.

i hope you have a wonderful day and a kind new year ahead of you, anon :')

[kindahoping4forever]

2021 Writing Self Evaluation

Thanks to Jess (@daydadahlias) for thinking to tag me for this!

1. Number of stories posted

15 (more than I expected tbh, given the year I had smh)

2. Word count posted for the year

84,210 solo, 109,210 counting my collab with Cass

3. Fandoms I wrote for

5SOS

4. Main pairings

Ashton/You (13), Calum/You (2)

(I struggled what to call these pairings lol. I absolutely hate calling my stories 'reader insert' or "yn" fic just because I choose to write in 2nd person - I work hard to make all of my POV characters and relationships defined and different from story to story! But Ashton/Original Reader Character sounded pretentious so idk what to call it smh 😂🥸)

5. Story with the most kudos/bookmarks/comments

My 2021 output isn't entirely on AO3 yet so of what I do have posted there, Come In With The Rain takes the prize. On Tumblr, the honor goes to either Feedback or Don't Wanna Wait On It. (Feedback has the higher note count but was posted at the height of the staff bot era so I'm sure the count is greatly inflated so I always take that number with a grain of salt 👀😅)

6. Work I'm most proud of (and why)

Honestly I could put a few different stories here, without sounding too cocky, I genuinely feel like I wrote some beautiful stories this year. But the one I keep coming back to, the one I think might actually be my favorite of all time is Come In With The Rain. It feels the closest to what I saw in my mind when I envisioned writing it and it's the story that I think most accurately conveys the emotions I wanted to make my readers feel. (Like a cozy clown deeply in love 😌) I'm also ridiculously proud of When The Sun Came Up, my collab with Cass, I think we crafted a story that was equal parts thoughtful, heartbreaking and sexy.

7. Work I'm least proud of (and why)

I truly did love everything I posted this year. If I have to pick something for this question, I'd probably go with my most recent, Threw Out Our Cloaks & Daggers Because It's Morning Now. It sets the stage for an arc I've been wrestling to write for almost a year now and while I feel like it's a necessary piece of the puzzle, I'm still not sure how effective it is as a standalone or if it feels like it truly belongs in my Gardener Ash series. I struggled to write it for months and ended up combining it with another fic I had completed but abandoned because I felt it was lacking. It mostly works and I think when I finish the rest of the arc, I'll appreciate it more but for right now, I feel like I could've done better, even if I'm not sure how. (It also flopped which shouldn't skew my view of it but it does tbh 😬)

8. Share or describe a favorite review you received

Comments and reviews matter so fucking much to me, you guys. I can't believe whenever I hear that someone goes out of their way to check for updates or reads my fics multiple times. I love when I get comments telling me something in everyday life reminded someone of one of my stories, like happened a lot with A Little Bit Scandalous ("the Invisible House story") or Handprints ("the mirror story"). But probably my most favorite type of feedback is hearing that my stories felt realistic or reminiscent of an actual experience the reader had. I always want my stories to toe the line between being dreamy and fantasy based while still seeming plausible, attainable even. So hearing I've achieved that sends me to the moon. 🥰

9. A time when writing was really, really hard

I'll be honest, I can't think of a moment this year when writing wasn't really, really hard. Many of you know I live with a number of chronic illnesses and in addition to managing those, this year I've managed to add some to the list. (Cluster headaches for a month straight! Unexplained back and pelvic pain going on 8 months!) Oh yeah, and I'm still unemployed and we're still in a pandemic. On a good day, my mind is still probably 65% clouded with stress, anxiety, depression and fatigue so the fact that I wrote over 100k words? Is NUTS to me. I fought hard for every single one of them and the frustration was absolutely worth it.

10. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you

Stage!Ash was never meant to be a series nor a love story. I truly just wanted to clown over sweaty, beardy Ash being back on stage but couldn't find a hook I found interesting enough to pursue and Cass, genius that she is, suggested the "first time seeing him drum" angle, which I loved and that led me to framing Encore as a new relationship. As I wrote it, it became sweeter and softer than I ever imagined it would and by the time I was finished, I was fully invested. I've never written a "falling in love" couple before, I'm used to "still in love" established couples so it's been a fun challenge and I'm glad people encouraged me to continue it as a series.

11. A favorite excerpt of your writing

I'm gonna be self-indulgent and highlight two passages 😅First, like I said, I'm really pleased with Come In With The Rain's ability to let the audience live in the characters' headspace for a while. This excerpt isn't anything fancy, isn't even the most poetic of the piece, but the narrative stillness is something new for me and painting this picture of quiet domesticity and loving familiarity was one of my favorite tasks of the year 🥰 (And if you're familiar with the fic, the scene that follows is def my fav smut I wrote this year, possibly ever tbh 😌)

You take your time washing up, enjoying the contrast of the warm water against the cool air of the kitchen and appreciating the sounds of Ashton absentmindedly singing along to his album of choice while he sits on the couch, scrolling away on his iPad. You finish and go to join him, guffawing at the sight of him clapping giddily when he sees you entering the room bearing a fresh cup of coffee for each of you.

You curl up next to him, tucking your feet under his thigh for warmth, much to his chagrin. You relax and sip your drink, watching the wind blow the trees outside the window, being entertained by Ash switching back and forth between reading you interesting soundbites from the articles he’s reading to singing along to the music in varying degrees of seriousness.

“Kinda feel like smokin’ something but honestly I don’t feel like getting up to get our shit. How’s that for lazy?” He muses with a grin.

A couple hours pass, maybe more; time really has no meaning on a day like this. The rain has ceased for the moment but the sky is still threateningly overcast, casting a dreamlike haze over the room. Ashton keeps insisting that “after this song” he’s going to get up and check the heater but he started saying that at least three albums ago.

You’ve ended up sprawled out on the couch, your head in his lap; it’s your job to change the record when it’s time but you’ve still managed to doze off here and there, so cozy and comfortable with Ash quietly singing above you, hands occasionally running through your hair or over your shoulder.

You sleepily turn over on your side, gazing at him through hooded eyes; after one too many jabs from you, he’s lost the iPad and as he sits there, one hand scrolling his phone, the other pensively scratching at his beard while humming under his breath, you feel an overwhelming flood of feelings. Love. Happiness. Peace. Desire.

You reach your hand out and caress the tops of his thighs, wanting to feel more of him underneath you, wanting to remind him you’re there. Your heart swells when you see a fond smile paint his face and he instinctively brings a hand down to rub over your arm, continuing the silent but appreciative conversation between your bodies.

This second excerpt, from To Love Him Is To Need Him Everywhere, is similar to the first - a quiet moment of reverent appreciation between partners. I've just always loved it because it follows an absurdly filthy section of the fic and then takes a sharp turn towards some of the softest, most flowery writing I'd done at that time. I feel like that duality became a trademark for me this year (for the Swift-literate, Cass has repeatedly declared this my "Lover era" 😅) and it really encapsulates what I find appealing about exploring relationships in fic (or in life tbqh).

He lays behind you, wrapping his arms around you and breathing a soft sigh of your name against your hair. The two of you lay in loving silence, basking in the contrast between the cool breeze blowing across your skin and the warmth of your lover’s body on you.

Ash is such a large presence, literally and figuratively, you love the firmness and safety of being enveloped by him. But after a few minutes, you find yourself needing more and you turn over to face him. His eyes are closed and you stop to study him, taking in every detail: how long his lashes are, how much you love the shape of his nose, how structured but soft his cheeks are, how kissable his lips always seem to look, how his sharp jawline still makes your stomach drop after all this time.

You notice the dimples that you love so much starting to form as he smiles at the feel of your stare. He opens his eyes and with a single look, he’s able to read your energy and know exactly what you’re needing. He fits his hand under your jaw and slowly kisses you, letting you lead the way, inviting your tongue to take and taste all you need from him.

He waits for you to be the one to break the kiss and then he’s gently pushing you onto your back so he can lay his head on your chest. You stroke your fingers through his hair while he uses his to trace designs on your bare stomach.

“I don’t know that I’ve ever been more grateful to be sharing a moment with someone,” Ashton says quietly, the thought still formulating in his mind. You look down to see his hazel eyes gazing fondly at you. “I’m glad it’s with you.”

12. How did you grow as a writer this year

I'm really proud of myself for writing for me in 2021. I wrote ridiculously long pieces when they felt right, I wrote PWP when I had a good concept I just wanted to get out into the world. I started writing in 2020 and was fortunate enough to have a solid audience from the get-go (again, thanks to Cass) but as much as I love what I wrote that first year, I can admit now that there was probably too much consideration given to what I thought other people wanted to see from me (or didn't want to see! I toned down a lot of pieces back then tbh) whereas now I aim for my priority to be what I want to spend my time thinking about.

13. How do you hope to grow next year

There's more than a few things I need to work on: I need to stop caring so much about feedback (it's my favorite part of the process but shouldn't determine the value of a fic!), I need to trust my instincts more (taking an hour to write a paragraph because I rewrite each sentence 10 times is like, not fun or practical) and I need to more efficiently manage my time. The pandemic effectively decimated my attention span so it's hard for me to sit and write without picking up my phone every few minutes, especially when the band is in an active phase since I live a double life as a fic blog/update account and I'm always itching to find content. All these things I mentioned make writing a lot more frustrating than it needs to be and I'd like to remedy that so I can enjoy the process as much as I possibly can.

14. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc)

The answer to this question is always going to be @cal-puddies. My best ideas come from talking to Cass, my best drafts are the ones she actively challenges me on and I probably would've quit on about half of my fics from this year if she hadn't kept encouraging me and cheering me on to finish them. I said I wrote for me this year but really I wrote for us. 🦦🦦

15. Anything from your real-life show up in your writing this year?

I definitely drew inspiration from my real life camping experience when writing To Love Him Is To Need Him Everywhere. I do in fact, have a certain fondness for rainy days. I actually went to the Global Citizen concert and honestly that made writing Stay Here, Honey more difficult because my brain refused to accept if I had to change a detail for logistics/creative license lmao. Beyond that, there's been a few times I've wondered if I've accidentally exposed myself by writing certain kinks one too many times but I won't go into specifics. 😂

16. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers?

No idea is too niche - if you've thought about it, someone else definitely has and will love your story. (I legit wrote a fic about getting high and dry humping in a backyard and someone called it "romantic". Your fic will find its audience lmao.)

17. Any projects you're looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year

I'll go ahead and spill, honestly if you've read this far, you deserve a scoop: Gardener!Ash is getting pegged in 2022, if it's the last thing I do. (I've been trying to plot this arc for A YEAR but I want to do it right and dammit, I will get there!) Also, I am about 25k words deep into a Poly!Cashton series that I'm very excited about (and have also been writing/plotting for well over a year) and can't wait to share.

18. Tag some writers whose answers you'd like to read

If they feel like it, I'd love to see what @cal-puddies @talkfastromance4 @suchalonelysunflower @villainorigincal and @littledrummeraussie have to say!

[tiredassmage]

2, 42 for character of your choice!

Picking who to do 2 with should not have been nearly as difficult as it was. This was hard not because I didn't know the answer, but picking who to do it with, lol! And I'm indecisive, so have two for 2, lol.

> hard mode oc asks

2. What is/was your character's relationship with their mother like?

I rarely talk about my XIV ocs anymore (big F in the chat for a certain Imperial Agent taking up all my brain space), but Astor is probably the closest to his mother of my whole active gang. For a time, she lived and studied in the Sharlayan colony, before the Exodus and before she'd moved to Dravania to lead a quieter life with her husband and, eventually, their son.

Part of it is circumstance - Astor's father was a traveling trader and hunter, so he wasn't home too often or for too long, though they had their own reasonably good relationship.

To keep from babbling on too long, though, he was always closer with his mother and she's the one that, in his words, taught him most of what he knows. He respected her immensely, and they were friends just as much as a mother and son. He gets a lot of his values from her and also learned much of what he knew of magic at the beginning of his adventures from her, from foundations in Conjury to the Sharlayan arts of Astrologian. She fell ill and passed around Astor's 18th nameday - a loss he took hard. He spent an additional two years in Dravania maintaining the clinic he'd helped her run before finally heeding the call of adventure and a will to do a bit more good for others with his skills.

Tyr (because you know we can't not talk about him skfnlksdf) is on the exact opposite end of the spectrum. Whether it was his mother or his elder sister on Dromund Kaas that was ultimately more antagonistic, the jury's still out, but he hasn't really had contact with any of his family since joining Intelligence and that's mostly been a boon.

Part of it was that she barely tolerated that her husband had adopted an utter stranger of a child into their home and it certainly was not helped at all by the boy's utter lack of Force sensitivity. Their marriage was most certainly more a political power arrangement between a fairly successful officer and fairly successful Sith.

So, they never really had a mother-son dynamic so much as an Imperial and Sith. One of their few and far between semi-positive interactions was a time she permitted/put him through piano lessons in his youth. While fair enough at the time, it was never a stronger interest or skill and Tyr hasn't played since before he joined the military. (Raina doesn't let go of this nugget of information until she weasels out some short stories from him.)

42. Has your character ever had a parental figure who was not related to them?

So, Tyr's respect for both the Minister of Intelligence and Ardun Kothe aren't exactly secret anymore now that I've finally written some about it, but it is very important to me, lol.

Tyr can't help but respect the Minister for a quiet level of honesty, for looking him in the eye and sharing the learned experience that ideals don't survive Intelligence. He's weaving quiet warnings for Tyr to watch his step into mission orders almost from the beginning, so Tyr trusts that he does what he can to look out for him. Their final conversation before the hunt for the Black Codex is probably the most openly honest about it and struck me as the Minister recognizing Tyr's set of values and, yes, ideals even where Tyr might not have.

"I developed goals in place of ideals, and I found ways to achieve those goals. I hoped authority would help me effect change."

There's a just. Gut-punching recognition of himself in Tyr in this conversation that just. Wwwwww. I'm having emotions about it again. This is another one of those moments where someone else gives voice to something Tyr hasn't quite been able to say or describe to himself. And there's a lot of relief in being able to tell the Minister he's always respected him in final goodbyes. For what it's worth, despite their differences, despite everything that happened, Tyr looked up to him and what happened didn't quite manage to change his respect for the man.

And in Ardun, I think he sees some of the same things. It's especially important to him that Ardun looks after his team, his people. Tyr's an outsider as the defector, he wouldn't have begrudged an initial lack of trust there. Tyr ultimately respects that Ardun takes responsibility for what he puts him through. He values that Ardun listens to him and returns that respect on Corellia, enough to let Tyr bring him in on the Star Cabal.

Shit happens between both pairs. There's no way around that regardless of how much he respects them, but in a way, he can see mirrored strains in both relationships. Tyr sees two people who, ultimately, did their best for him in situations where their hands were tied. Not all of those choices made were perfect, but nothing ever is, and they're honest about it. And that's priceless to a Cipher that was maybe a bit farther in over his head than he ever planned or wanted to be in the politics and power plays of the Dark Council.

[echo-hiraeth]

Important note

HI!

I once again want to thank you all so much for all the likes, comments, messages, reblogs and follows, the support has been positively overwhelming! I've come to love the platform and its community even more over the past few weeks and you guys' support just never fails to make me smile!

Unfortunately not everything is going as smoothly.

The past month I've been trying to cope with a lot of things that have happened and I've reached somewhat of a breaking point. Which translates to my mental and physical health not being the best (it's 3:35AM for instance).

On top of this I got some news today that really just hit me square in the feels. My baby sister has come down with some sort of virus (test results should be in later this week) and she's been really ill. Her mother contracted covid earlier in February but fortunately none of them got really ill then, but considering my father is a risk patient, I'm quite on edge.

In addition, I have some upcoming uni work and deadlines that are heavily weighing over me and need working on.

The point I'm trying to make is that unfortunately my writing will be slower. But I'll be checking in daily to see if there are any asks or requests or whatever.

Thank you all so much for all the love you've been sending my way, I truly can't tell you how helpful it's been.

Thank you for understanding,

Charlie

Ps. Have these pictures of some of my cats as a pick-me-up :))

[testingcheats0n]

I wonder if Techno will ever explicitly say that Chat isn't a mental illness...

Also that Wilbur part hurts so much... as someone who admires cc!Wilbur and c!Wilbur and only joined the fandom after his death, I was baffled at the hate and general villification his character suffered. I've seen people make him abusive, cartoonishly manipulative, unreasonably violent, etc.

I never saw a meta/comment/discussion that acknowledged or even mentioned the mental anguish it takes for a person (in this case Wilbur) to commit suicide. It certainly isn't a decision that's done for the dramatics, or just to commit one last evil deed by traumatizing everyone, yet it was painted like that... For some reason. We spent so much time as a society to bring awareness and accurate portrayal of self-harm and suicide... only to discard a portrayal that could be given shape/bring awareness/made nuanced/be discussed in depth in a narrative that depends on fandom interpretation.

Let's not mention how Wilbur, tha victim of being stabbed with a sword while in an unstable state of mind, is painted as the perpetrator, compared to Philza being treated as a victim for ending another person's life.

I'm not overgxaggerating right? Phil canonically killed Wilbur because Wilbur told him to do it, when he could have just... not done it? He killed his son just because he begged him for it while clearly unwell? What sort of person does that? I find it so bizarre that Philza gets a pass for assisting Wil in suicide where he clearly had the power to put an end to it and help his only son heal- but no, he's a victim for going against common sense and doing the decent thing which would be to tell Wilbur that 'no, I won't help you kill yourself'.

?

In this case Phil enabled Wilbur's self-destructive behavior and that's painted as a good thing...

Why?

Obviously this is a personal interpretation (but the fact that it's possible is worrying at best) and:

TW: WHAT I'M ABOUT TO SAY IS REALLY MESSED UP

but the message here appears to be: 'help your community by putting down the local mentally ill like rabid dogs, trust me, they'll thank you too :D be a hero!'

That's not the way to go about this. At all. It's ableist and leaning towards genocide. I can't emphasize enough how wrong that is.

At this point I think that it's not up to Wilbur to try and 'fix' fanon or whatever but Phil as a character should be held accountable and we as audience should stop letting him excuse his behaviour and harmful actions with 'L'manburg made him do it'. Like no- he doesn't even have the 'voices in my head that compel me to do eeeeevil' excuse as Techno does. He chose to pick up the sword, he chose to kill his son with it, no ifs or buts.

We shouldn't let ablesim dictate the way we interpretate characters in media and we shouldn't let ableism excuse harmful characters.

Not to mention that as OP mentioned before, it Babyfies Phil. He can do no wrong because 'guysssss the angst, he's so traumatized, let's stop treating him as a human being with flaws, capable of harming others'. That's an attitude you'll see for many of the characters who've exhibited symptoms of mentall illness, from Technoblade, to Niki, to Dream.

Dream gets to have discussions around his actions and choices, while Schlatt, the canonical alcoholic is the universal villain that never gets nuanced interpretations. The pattern is clear OP hit the nail on the head. As long as the symptoms can be brushed away/woobified, the characters get a pass and are put in the 'good boi' category.

That's concerning and I hope that we as a fandom can fix it.

(I hope this isn't a terrible addition to the discussion :/)