#and i can’t believe cx is gonna fuck it up so bad

[prncssguya]

thinking about xiao yao love interests and how zhang wanyi is sooo good as cang xuan. i’m fascinated by the complexity of this character and his mastery of micro expressions. the repression and longing for xiao yao, the guilt he felt letting jing hurt her, the loveless marriages, the way he prioritizes power over love, finally having the power he always dreamed of but being powerless to hold on to the person he desires the most is all a recipe of his inevitable descent into madness

i truly believe xy is in love with xiang liu and she would choose him if it wasn’t impossible. he loves her but he is self sabotaging, toxic, and committed to keeping her at a distance because love is not an option for him. he can't abandon his warrior’s cause for her. only tushan jing has the most selfless love for her. only he is able to give up everything for her

[cowbaehawyee]

Random and borderline incoherent bad batch thoughts (finale edition)

SPOILERS

When they killed cx-2 I was like…. Oh. Now I have to actually grieve tech because I was in complete and utter denial about him dying. However, I think him staying dead does add weight to his sacrifice

Omegas a rebellion pilot?? The goggles on the dash??? She’s grown up and hunter is old?????😭😭 i fear that salt and pepper hunter is going to have a select few members of the fandom in an absolute chokehold

I wonder what old wrecker and crosshair looked like lol

Speaking of wrecker I was pissing myself at multiple points. Really thought they were gonna kill my boy. And then echo

Clone force 99 died with tech? i deserve this?? Cross be so real right now. Glad hunter and wrecker put a stop to that bs

Pain, terrible pain

Suffering, even

But we did in fact get a bittersweet ending. Honestly the best ending I could have imagined with tech staying dead. Exactly what I envisioned for them

Yeah Zillo beast! Go zillo!!! I am joining the war against the zillo beast on the side of the zillo beast!!!!! Go buddy!!

ECHO FINISHED FIVES’ MISSION ajskjskskzhjdksjasjj 😭😭😭😭😭

Absolutely saw ramparts snake ass betrayal coming a mile away. Not gonna say I called it but I really did. Shame he got blown up

Didn’t really think Nala se was gonna die but it is extremely in character for a Kaminoan to go scorched earth and suicide bomb themselves rather than let someone else take credit for their work

The bridge scene

… crosshairs tremor was SO bad coming up to the base and he went in anyway. But on the bridge? Complete steady.

Hemlocks bitch ass got what was coming to him. Completely appropriate that crosshair and hunter were the ones to ice him. If this has to be a substitute for crosshair going to therapy then so be it

Wait did scorch die? Rip to my boy

I can’t believe this show is actually fucking over 😭😭 like the mandalorian and clone wars got me into Star Wars but this show is what made me go fucking feral about it. I need to drink actual water because how many tears I have shed both over this and the episode in general

And finally, yay they all live!! I don’t have to quit Star Wars now! (I said I would if they all died). That actually really convenient because I have tickets to see phantom menace at the theater on Saturday and it would suck to cancel. I want that limited edition popcorn bucket

[hackett-out]

So I started reading a new book last night and boy, I kind of wish I’d waited to start i until today for a proper liveblog, because I have some thoughts. 

Onyx: Truth is a “Medium burn” reverse harem romance between an American photographer and the 6-man kpop group she’s recruited to work for on their world tour, Onyx. Almost everything in that sentence is so up my alley it hurts, but I’m about 30% into the book and it hurts even more. Not in a good way, either. 

None of the characters have any personality. Even the leading lady gets reduced to salivating like a horny teenager over the entire group when she’s supposed to a Professional™ photographer, and the kpop group itself isn’t much better. From the moment the seven of them meet, conversations between them are constantly bad flirtations and innuendo that are hollow without any build up to it. Hell, the men in the kpop group maybe have a max of five lines a piece during each scene with the lead, and most of the time it’s immediately sexually suggestive. 

“Medium burn” my ass. 

Before I continue this as a liveblog, some gems: 

“JongB,” he said, in English, with the same accent as Holly.

“Chicago?” I questioned.

JongB shrugged. “It’s JongB, but you can call me Chicago if you want to. And if you give me your number, I’ll call you too.”

“How on earth does a person get a name which sounds like sex and be such a bookworm?” I asked him.

CX tilted his head. “You think bookworms don’t get laid?”

“I… uh… no,” I faltered, thinking I’d insulted him. “I just didn’t think your name matched your personality.”

Girl, you are supposed to be professional, you’re really just gonna blurt out whatever comes to mind, huh?

“It’s always warm enough for ice cream,” he said, offering me the bowl.

I shivered as I shook my head. “Maybe if I was tucked up in my bed I’d consider it,” I told him.

He looked at me thoughtfully, then nodded. “Sounds good.”

“Huh?” I asked as he got up.

“Let’s go eat this in your bed.”

My mouth slowly fell open. “OK,” I found myself agreeing. I stood and grabbed my basket, then stopped. “No, we can’t,” I said. I swear, a part of me died inside as I did. “I’m staying in a hotel.”

SUCH A PROFESSIONAL.

“I’m sure I will leave saying it’s the best thing to come out of Chicago,” I said, dryly. I took a bite of my pizza. “But it’s got competition.”

JongB pulled the rest of my pizza from my hands and deposited it in a rather expensive looking vase. “Let’s get two things straight: firstly, Chicago pizza is great. Do not disrespect Chicago pizza. Secondly, you are very much mistaken if you think pizza is the best thing to come from Chicago.”

“I can’t believe you just put that in there,” I said, half scolding him, half amused.

“That’s what she said.”

I stared at him. Did he really…?

“That’s what she said” is now peak flirtation, apparently. Also, what a waste of a perfectly good pizza

“Who were you doing all night to make you tired?”

Who? Oh, JongB had damn well taught him that. And now I was curious… “It was just me in that hotel room last night,” I told him, giving my response in English. “Just me.”

 There was a brief pause and then Jiwon inhaled sharply.

Yep… Thank you, JongB.

Or wait, was this going to work against me?

The hands around my new hoodie tugged me forward. “Next time, I want tickets.”

“We’re about thirty seconds away from ‘next time’ being right now,” I informed him. I was feeling horny as hell, and his words, the way his eyes were stripping me of my clothes – the whole lot was turning me on.

Aside from him being hot and the closest member to her, there is literally no build up to the two of them fucking in a storage room. A+ professionalism, way to keep the group away from scandal like your friend wanted!

“Ya!” JongB objected, this time rounding on me. He refrained from hitting me, instead pouting. “You’re our photographer. You’re supposed to be on my side.”

“Dude, I’m your photographer, not your fluffer, and I was their photographer,” I indicated to Dante and Nate, “long before I was yours.”

JongB’s eyes narrowed. “What’s a fluffer?”

Oh lord

“Wait… So, you’re not proposing the four of us…?” I waved my hand around gesturing to the four people in the room.

“Hell no!”

The vehement response came from Jiwon. Apparently he had understood that one.

Shame.

A real fuckin’ shame, but ok book

I propped myself up again. “Just to be clear, sex with the four of us is a no-no, but we’re good if it’s one on one?”

All three of them nodded.

“And you’re definitely all OK with that?”

Once again, they all nodded.

I flopped back again.

Heaven, right?

I had been saying that I really needed to get laid, and here were three smoking hot guys giving me the go ahead to sleep with all of them. The idea of getting my brains fucked out really appealed to me.

I mean, same? But I also wasn’t hired to be the group’s photog and stay out of trouble in an industry that regularly has no dating clauses, so...

“And you’re really all OK with this?” I asked once more. “Are you?” Xiao asked. “I don’t know,” I admitted. “But I’m sure as hell willing to give it a go.”

[trippz2ill2ace8itout]

🌈🌈Something I Wrote||__||PART FIVE xoxo TRIGGER WARNING🌈🌈

To those of u with mental illnesses

ANXIETY: I have this one, your mind is tricking u, u gotta our run ur anxiety , I’ve had anxiety attacks so bad I ended up in the emergency room, I want u to step back , I want u to turn on LoFi Radio (there’s an app) and meditate to it , I want u to breathe In for 4 seconds , hold for 4, and let out 4, but do it slow , and remember WHO THE FUCK U ARE! If any of you are on the urge of feeling out of ur body crawling out of your skin , can’t breathe , everything’s either speeding up or slowing down, you think everyone and everything is after u, it may not be easy . But I’m here for you.

BIPOLAR: I have bipolar mixed episodes , and I’m manic and I become dangerous , I feel like I’m on top of the world , what I need u todo is sit somewhere that u can use all ur senses , and use each time one to snap back into reality, sometimes are senses are intensifying and we can’t control it , but u need to see a doctor for medication, and DO NOT STOP UR MEDICATION COLD TURKEY (all at once) it takes a couple weeks for medication to kick in and adjust to your body . Go into the mirror and scream (if u can) that ur a survivor u are strong u are worth it and keep doing it until u believe it, It will take time.

PTSD: I have this one as well , first off u are Not ur trauma cx and remember that u will see triggers constantly, think about this, ur not there anymore , u are not who u were back then, I have flashbacks constantly that it happens every day , write a letter to yourself and or ur trauma as a whole , I’m here for you , I know trauma from top to bottom , if ANY of u wanna talk to me about it , u don’t have to , I’m always here. Ur not alone , I go to outpatient therapy, not a lot recently tho , but If u keep bottling shit up it’s gonna explode one way or another ,I’m not a therapist or a professional.

🌈🌈TO BE CONTINUED🌈🌈

[kholoudnine]

Blogging For A Dummy

Hey guys.

So I haven't been very active of a blogger in a few years, at least not anywhere I would ever advertise it. Since I was very little I've had a big respect for bloggers actually, a strange truth about it being that I felt like blogging was just another way of writing, like my books or my poetry or my music, the only way that I could be listened too.

So I was drawn to it. I think the first blog post I ever did was when I was maybe like eleven, my mum had pretty much just discovered the blogging scene and what the internet is so she wanted to make money off it in some way and share our family. It didn't feel as genuine to me as it should've, though. While blogging felt like a way to be heard, not all blogging really appealed to me. I didn't want social medias because social medias were fake to me. They were overly happy, or they were overly sad. They were overly toxic, or they were drowning you in positivity, at least this was my exposure. While I have nothing personal against these types of bloggers and media users nor the audience which consumes their content, none of the idea of that is me. I don't want to write all happy things and be pretty and perfect and face tuned as has been suggested of me, as people I knew had been. Though I noticed over recent years that I'd gone towards a different extreme, sadness. Most of my work was written during anxiety attacks, or rage, or after an accident, or tragedy. I never smiled. Now, I will not say that writing sad things does not help me, it does, tremendously actually. But, I came to the conclusion maybe about a year ago that it was almost all of my work. I love my work, I do, no matter what it is, but when I can go back to the sad moments, and I can't think of any happy ones, that's a problem for me. I think part of that stemmed from not writing everything, and I mean everything. I almost felt ashamed for a while about feeling emotion. Like it was a bad thing or like if I am happy then it somehow discredits my sadness. I know where this comes from, but as my grandmother would say, that it another story.

I started to notice things about myself that I did not like, I let toxicity in within a heartbeat but shied away from happiness. If I met a decent person it excited the hell out of me, but it didn't take me long to decide to quit on it or that it wouldn't last. "I always doubted the longevity of friendships" is a quote from my own book, I know how snooty right? I'm that "quotes himself" guy now, but it's one of the thoughts Mikayla has that is probably closest to myself. I have thought that before, I've lived like it. This sort of pessimistic notion did nothing more for me but make me wary and more inclined, or should I say lightly obsessed, with watching my back about people. It also made me too accepting. I would accept bullshit relationships and abusive friends for the sole purpose of, if I'm not going to get any better than what is the point? I would use them to fill time essentially and just to have someone to talk to, which, isn't really better of me and it just made good friendships harder.

Now I've seen on twitter all day for the past two or three weeks "fuck fake friends" "when I learn how to stand up for myself it's over for you hoes" "my friends are so fake" "what's real friends?" "everybody's fake now" over and over and over again. All over my feed. In fact there is this one account of an influencer who pretty much only posts about people in his life being fake and untrustworthy. It's kind of one of the saddest things to me, fake friends and back stabbing and mean spirited comments are pretty much expected. All over Instagram comedy you see people getting cheated on to the point it almost seems expected in a relationship. While I know I might seem dramatic to say and point this out, we all go on social media a lot, let's be frank, if you're reading this post you at least are around one person who always talks about or quotes social media. This is the norm of social media. Meaning, this whole "no one can be trusted" narrative is what you're constantly and consistently exposed too. I don't want to perpetuate the expectation of failings and heartbreak, not exactly the positivity and realness spread I was hoping for, though I would actively believe it in my one personal daily life. It's not a positive thing, and nothing good really comes from it, it's extremely lonely to feel you'll never have real friends, and it opens up all sorts of doors for abusive relationships may those be platonic or romantic.

Another thing I noticed of myself was an insistent defensiveness, and while I can't hate myself for being that way, it wasn't healthy. In my poetry workshop a few weeks ago, the beautiful Miss Ebony Shun pointed a phrase out for me that was probably the best call out I've ever gotten. "You expect rejection. Expect acceptance." As usual, she was right, and that's a part of self growth I really want to work towards. I've been rejected by few, so thanks to that coupled with my belief that I'd always be let down by other people, I expected that same rejection from everyone else. It works in multiple scenarios.

Someone is hitting on me? I expect danger, I expect that it's someone who doesn't truly care about or respect me. It's someone I should defend myself from. So I must immediately act as such to protect myself ahead of time.

Someone wants to be my friend? I expect disappointment, they're not actually going to like me. It will be a very shallow friendship. I will put a lot into it and they will not even text me back, but I will accept that if I let it get to that point. So I should defend myself, and be as closed off as I can, and show nothing of myself. Do not talk. Make no connections.

I want to attempt to show people my art? I expect rejection, I will be told I am not good enough. I will be sent away and they will not hear me out on it for give me actual feedback for improvement. My singing sounds like whining, and my drawings are done by a five year old, nothing I write is as smart as it thinks it is. I should defend myself, avoid shows. Avoid letting people I will ever see again see my work, hide behind anon blogs and webposts no one's gonna find.

See? Bad. I have reasons, but it's still bad. Finding the reason to the problem should not excuse it, it should help heal it. Now don't get me wrong, I still struggle with these negetivities, daily, but I don't plan to stay that way now. Being conscious of them as problems, are my first step.

Next thing was to figure out how. How do I write anything happy? What the fuck is happy? Can I not swear? Can I not cry when I write it? When do I write about happy things? What the hell even makes me happy? Writing makes me happy but apparently it's all sad, so. This is a trap. Surely happy writing is reserved for freakin' crazy people and Mary Poppin's. It's all clear to me.

After that prompt breakdown and a few shitty one lines that did not sound like any Stiles I'd ever known, I realized something very important. I am a human being. I feel more than just happy cx and sad xc.

(My use of early 2000's emo/scene kid emojis is not apologized for. I concede no apologies for that.)

So when I started to realize that I started to realize another important and fucking obvious fact: I'm a blogger. I have a been a blogger for years, it's just, the only time I've ever been actually ya know, honest and happy while blogging? Was anonymously. I've had blog diaries, I've had poetry blogs, I started a review blog (twice?), I even just posted about my life in general, and what all of those blogs had in common besides nobody knowing who I was, is that I was honest on them, and they were actually entertaining to me and whoever was actually following along. I kept up with them more and so much better.

Once I realized that? I realized I could do this stupid melliniel social media thing, just without being sad, anxious, and pissed off all the time.

Blogging isn't happy or sad or scary or contentful to me, it's another form of art. (Also my way of attempting to smash the patriarchy and end humanities more trivial yet stupidly prevalent problems one human rights campaign and rally at a time, but ya know, art too.)

So here I am, blogging. Most of my posts will probably be like this one, start with a topic, run through my thoughts and experiences. Others will be fashion orientated, like the one I plan for how I'm going to pick my Bookfest outfit and fill with pictures of what I wore. Other's will be short stories or poetry. Others will be how to's on things I do. Like how I make my weird herbal teas or how I write songs. Some will be funny, some serious, others will be about the campiagnes I support and organize. With any luck, I'll post twice a week at very least, though I have no set days yet.

If you like what you see, and you'd like to see and hear from me more often, you can find my books on Amazon and my social medias posted below. Feel free to leave comments or suggestions about something you wanna see from me.

Until next time,

Peace, love infinite, and smile.

Nico.

[trippz2ill2ace8itout]

🌙🌙Izzy Here; Your Worth It🌙🌙

🔥⭐️🌈Hey It’s Izzy (obviously lol) Your All Enough && Yo All Worth It, Fuck What The World && Society Tells U && Excpects U To Be xx I help everyone and everything obsessively, but I wish I could change the world , fix everything and everyone. This society disgusts me , this is a lesson I learned in my early childhood, the world is full of hate , salt and sugar look the same, and some people are disgusting, not everyone u associate with is your friend . I wanna save fix help care love be there , be by your side till the end no matter what, I’m here for you, don’t let anyone change who u are, ur not alone . I’m here for all y’all always, fuck all those assholes who try to mess with u . Fuck It Man, I love all y’all, and a big fuck u to all the abusers out there, just cuz u have a bad day doesn’t mean you have to make other people’s day bad as well. You Are You && Theres Only One , Be Kind , U Never Know What Someone’s Going Thru , I’ve been tortured raped and abused most of my life , I have over 10+ mental illnesses, and I’m watching the world being destroyed, yes I’ve fucked up in the past, no one is perfect, yes I’ve been an asshole , but I’m fixing it now. For all y’all who are going through shit and even if you are not, you matter YOUR feelings are valid , thank u for breathing, you’ve come this far, don’t give up now, I’m proud of y’all, and I’m here for u , message me anytime:) stay strong!!-Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez (me)🌈⭐️🔥 🦋🦋TRIGGER WARNING!!!! hey it’s Izzy here, and yes I wrote all this, you are YOU && YOUR AN AMAZING YOU! sure u make mistakesX but that doesn’t define u as a person, if u have a mental illness(es) that doesn’t define u at all, it only makes u stronger , ur stronger than you realize , your battling your mind every day and night , your a warrior , if your thinking about hurting yourself or thinking of suicide, don’t do it , trust me I’ve been there , you may think hope is lost but I’ll be ur hope, as hard as it is to ask for help, it’s one step closer to u not being dead, I know for some of us being alive is painful, dealing with abuse torture rape etc any kind of trauma , and u feel alone, put ur hand over your heart, feel it for about 30 seconds, feel that? That’s purpose , to those of u who have been bullied, I wish I could fix it, but what they say about u is a reflection of themselves, I know it doesn’t make it any better, but they will get there karma, U ARE NONE OF THOSE THINGS AND THERE TRICKING U TO THINK THAT ITS TRUE ! not all people are good and not all people are bad, to those of you who feel like giving up, stay one more night , I know it’s not easy , but I’ll stay up all night with u until ur ok, suicide takes. Away ur pain but passes it on to someone else, u may not think there gonna be affected by it , some won’t but some will, on one of my suicide attempts I never thought my friend cared cus she showed she didn’t care, her dog was wining and howling when I was on the floor and I was fading In and out , my friend called 911. And after that incident the dog passed away , and my friend tried to take there life , I’m glad ur alive hun I’m glad ur breathing that ur here, the world wouldn’t be the same without u , I would miss u. To those of u with mental illnesses ANXIETY: I have this one, your mind is tricking u, u gotta our run ur anxiety , I’ve had anxiety attacks so bad I ended up in the emergency room, I want u to step back , I want u to turn on LoFi Radio (there’s an app) and meditate to it , I want u to breathe In for 4 seconds , hold for 4, and let out 4, but do it slow , and remember WHO THE FUCK U ARE! If any of you are on the urge of feeling out of ur body crawling out of your skin , can’t breathe , everything’s either speeding up or slowing down, you think everyone and everything is after u, it may not be easy . But I’m here for you. BIPOLAR: I have bipolar mixed episodes , and I’m manic and I become dangerous , I feel like I’m on top of the world , what I need u todo is sit somewhere that u can use all ur senses , and use each time one to snap back into reality, sometimes are senses are intensifying and we can’t control it , but u need to see a doctor for medication, and DO NOT STOP UR MEDICATION COLD TURKEY (all at once) it takes a couple weeks for medication to kick in and adjust to your body . Go into the mirror and scream (if u can) that ur a survivor u are strong u are worth it and keep doing it until u believe it, It will take time. PTSD: I have this one as well , first off u are Not ur trauma cx and remember that u will see triggers constantly, think about this, ur not there anymore , u are not who u were back then, I have flashbacks constantly that it happens every day , write a letter to yourself and or ur trauma as a whole , I’m here for you , I know trauma from top to bottom , if ANY of u wanna talk to me about it , u don’t have to , I’m always here. Ur not alone , I go to outpatient therapy, not a lot recently tho , but If u keep bottling shit up it’s gonna explode one way or another ,I’m not a therapist or a professional. DEPRESSION: I have this one to, you feel hopeless, I’ll be ur hope, u feel worthless, u feel like ur drowning in an ocean and u can’t swim, u feel like darkness is controlling you, ur depression is lying to u, u are worth it your important you are enough! U matter ! U are not worthless or whatever ur depression is telling u , it’s not “trendy” to have a mental disorder y’all, ur depression keeps u In bed , u lose motivation so much where u can’t even eat , or lack or to much sleep, I want u to fight it , push thru , I kno , easier said than done, but u gotta force yourself to do it , if u literally can’t move ur body, trust me I’ve been there, I want u to think of something that u would get out of bed for (emergencies, saving someone) something that motivates u more than anything in the world, and count backwards from 10 and I know it’s not easy , but moving around decreases ur depression than staying in one spot , overthinking is something I need to work on. ADHD/OCD/ODD: I have all of those snap your fingers when ur trying to concentrate on something and only focus on the snapping of the finger , OCD fight off the urge to follow thru ur routine and think if I don’t tap my fingers a certain amount of times , is the outcome of not following thru logical? As much As u believe something bad is gonna happen , it’s just ur mind playing annoying paranoid tricks on u. Once again it’s easier said than done. AUTISM: u are NOT STUPID RETARDED SLOW ETC! U are actually the sweetest caring people out there , take ur time c ur doing the best you can, so what if u learn slower than others , ur smart and amazing in ur own way , if u know someone who is Autistic , don’t judge them they are people to, be patient with them! I have high functioning autism. BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: to be honest I didn’t know what this was until a doctor at in one of the mental hospitals I was in diagnosed me with it , then it all made sense, my advice is to remember to NOT let ur emotions and explosions control u , we are Not attention seekers , when u have extreme emotions or emotion and/or intensified emotions is to remember we’re not ourselves when it’s happening, and when u come back from it u regret it , right? And the next time u have one of ur breakdowns is to have someone observe where it starts and when it stops so u know ur triggers . A lot of people think it’s “cool and trendy” to have BPD, newsflash Karen, u don’t know and it makes it harder to have it cuz people like u think it’s cool, step a day in our shoes, if u don’t have it don’t pretend to , and this also goes for other mental illnesses, no one is gonna be impressed by u having a “mental illness” cus u think it will get u places. Don’t let anyone bring u down or change you! INSOMNIA: I have insomnia, what I do is download sleep and meditation apps on my phone , if u want message me if u want some suggestions for apps I use . DISSOCIATIVE IDENTITY FUED: I have this one to, I dissociate most of the day, I can’t process where I am and o go to many different alternative universes, I feel like I’m in a dream or a movie , what I do is ground myself and even if I can’t process it I use all my senses together and try to break back into reality. I meditate all day and I snap my fingers and try to process where and who I am , I know easier said than done . ANOREXIA AND BULIEMIA: I have Anorexia, u are not fat ugly etc , ur slowly killing yourself , I can’t give u advice on this one cus I wouldn’t follow it, I would be a hypocrite. MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: I have this one as well, what I do is try to remember who the hell u were when it started , its hard I know , but I’m here for you NARCOLEPSY: I have this, I don’t know any advice cuz I don’t know myself but I would consult a perfessional SCHIZOAFFECTIVE/SCHIZOPHRENIA: I have schizoaffective, study ur voices visions demons alters etc. and drown them out with loud music or just listen to LoFi and meditate I try and snap my fingers by my ear , and then ask myself , is this real? Even if you can’t tell the difference, try to ask someone’s round u, did u hear/see that ? PARANIOA: I have this , same advice I gave on my schizoaffective disorder , ask someone who you can trust if it’s real or not but make sure there around u, scream at the demons . Anyways , thank u for being alive for being here for breathing!me having over 10 mental illnesses makes it hard To help myself but easy to help others I’m here always, Stay Alive_Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez (Me)🦋🦋