#and i can’t be with her bc i’ll be at school T.T

[merriclo]

fuck omg my dog’s surgery is tomorrow

sobbing my baby girl =(

[neonwizardheehee]

personal rant & brain dump bc I’m listening to bigbang and feel emo:

so i have a few topics that are circling my mind thus this will get messy (as usual hahaha)

- music as I said I’m listening to bb and the way I wanna cry??? mainly bc i miss my sis talking about them and being all happy and proud.. and just her in general v.v I feel like i overdid her with kpop and that doesn’t feel good. i was supposed to be the baby but i got too invested and now i am so damn invested i scare her :((( it makes me so sad :( but idk how to stop.(current mood & playing: let’s not fall in love) 

 - romance the new girls i met here are so different from the friends i have bc they are extroverts. i never had extroverts as friends before so i feel blessed now. we only met recently but they already were so open to me about things no one ever told me. like 3/4 girls i met talked to me about their first time and BOI i was so glad that we casually talked about it bc my other friends wouldn’t do that in a million years bc they are too shy. it really felt good. also no one judged me which was very reassuring. albeit me feeling a bit dumb bc i couldn’t really add to the convo but apparently I get better at listening ig? also that made me think that sex and dating shouldn’t be such an “important” topic as it is with my friends before. one friend sees it as an achievement to have a s/o but doesn’t talk about it or either brags (kskssk giiirl that’s so funny yet annoying XD yes u can be proud of your boi and brag bc i’m here for that bc i’m just so happy for you but ... not at random moments XDD). this made me realize how ppl refer to their s/o when talking to others. bc my friends who are very chill with their relationship always say their name while said friend (and ofc some others where having a relationship is important) always say “my bf/gf” or “ex” when that specific info is not relevant to the story they are telling XD

anyways it also made me realize how BAD i am with talking about my own feelings and wishes. since talking about my worries feels like complaining and i am good at that - but it feels random and uninteresting for anyone to hear i think to myself (it prob isnt). i feel so smol when asked about that topic and all i wanna answer is “???”. even if there is no pressure. idk why I’m like this and it makes me feel sorry for the people around me :( I’m so confused and idk what the question is. i can do better with writing but idk why but i wanna find out one day hahah. maybe i should just ask my new friends for advice since they are not judging me and i trust them and want to learn to be better with that. altho there’s this thought that I’m uncapable of love which frightens me a lot. I know i’m okay without it and i don’t mind but i feel so sorry for the people who like me? it also might be natural and I’m just stressing myself over nothing so idk what to ask and do -since you can’t force love right? i mean i don’t really believe in love at first sight i guess but rather spending time with that person and liking them a lot. so id why I’m pressuring myself so much with this :( maybe i am just too scared? or maybe i am anticipating too much? it all could be possible bc for everyone love is different and every relationship is different. so it’s mostly me feeling sorry for not giving back as much as i should and could :( - that’s also the reason why I’m so pro polyamorus relationships bc I know I’m not enough and idk how and if i want to fix that bc idk the rules bc there are none hahhaha - but also that makes me feel good bc i know i’m not responsible for someone’s happiness. i am too egoistical and these thoughts work as a self-protecting mechanism I KNOW that’s why i do this. so i’m not stressing myself even more. i just feel so unfairly precious when someone genuinely praises me when we’re just two ppl and no one else :( might be bc i don’t understand that feeling yet. i def want to know that but also i’m scared that it’d take me down a road where i loose myself (for some foolish reason idk why). so in the end ig I keep trying and get used to that (i already made loads of progress this year so ig i shouldn’t feel like I’m being too slow)

- studying okay so next topic is also just me feeling like i do too few. this week went quite okay and i managed to study on out study server everyday (ofc i had my bad days but i still at least smth). well yesterday i hastily did some vocab and then teh whole day i spend with friends & kpop... like LITERALLY until the night. a friend of mine was proud of me for taking a break (me too yesterday) but today i don’t feel good about that :( i missed so much. i’m scared it’ll kick me out of my study routine (since it was so hard to get my ass down to study itself!). i really want to be the person who’s studying every day and feel good about that. so since i have another thing planned today i don’t think i’ll get much done today as well :(((( i just wanna be a wise guy who knows a lot T.T i already made progress i know but... i want more.. i really wanna do well here and not be stuck behind like i was for the past 6 years :( i wanna have ambition again and not just pass... i kind of hope i can manage to study at nights on days like this but also i need my sleep so i stil have to find a solution for that. bc even tho i regret not studying as much i don’t regret hanging out with people. that’s smth i missed out in my first semester and so important in times like this were I’m stuck on my own. 

- religion so i have one christian friend here and yesterday we talked about church services and stuff like that and it was cool learning how it’s with her bc she goes to a very modern church (instead of me going to a traditional one 4 times a year). Suddenly i got sad tho and felt like crying :( even tho she was just stating her opinion i felt attacked and wanted to cry. after some thinking i think it’s just the way we are used to talking about religion bc we both grew up in an area where religion is looked down onto. for me .. i turned to myself and made up my own thoughts and beliefs bc i am too scared to talk and ask someone about it bc of all the accusations around me. religion was not smth to be discussed and only smth for yourself and maybe your family for me. the girl had to fight her way through all the “churches are old and fucked up and scary” things and since she goes to a modern one has good reasoning against them - that’s perfectly understandable and I’m so proud of her for speaking up like that. but like... it hit me on thw wrong side bc i am used to these old traditions and kind of like them even :( so it felt like she was insulting me. even tho she wasn’t.  i just dont know how to talk about religion and how to practice reading the bible or praying and hearing her talk about how she does all these things.. makes me feel invalid :( it’s like the only thing that i have is that i was raised a christian. but y’know for me it was okay since i learned in school not to practice or show my religion.. so idk how to do it... and i feel baby and sad if i have to ask her for some reason. i tried to look up this on the internet but ofc everyone is even more crazily involved there and it scares me SO much. so i unfollowed everyone hahah. i also have this one podcast but i still feel bad bc i’m not able to really read the bible on my own ig :( these days I’m just blaming it on the translation that i have but deep down i know it’s me who’s not able to ask questions at the text. maybe i should try to talk to someone... my sis who’s also in the same situation as me... or said girl to take me along and feel like a complete newbie and a little bit like an outcast bc religion for me is so different than to her.

- christmas i really enjoy the christmas spirit but i also already wanna cry if i think about gifts. i hate that i have so many people i love and will prob get smth from them so i have to make smth in return. i am overwhelmed and scared already. i didn’t even make a list yet T.T feels like i should block time to figure out gifts in my schedule bc I’m just putting it off more and more :( and also i already feel sorry for everyone bc they will get shitty gifts bc I’m so bad at this :(

[herstarburststories]

His Girl - Part 2 ✘ Sebastian Smythe Imagine ✘

✘ A/N: I’M SO CRAZY HAPPY BC YOU GUYS LIKED THE PART 1 AND WANTED THE SECOND ONE ♡ Btw, I’m taking this long to reply and post bc school :/ I’m just posting now because I had this one wrote and sent to my beta some days ago (she had beta this like 2 days ago, but I didn’t check my email! Sorry guys, I’m distracted xD). I’ll be ‘’free’’ at the Sunday! And may I’ll post a Earth 2 Barry oneshot in my free hour in friday, which I wrote some time ago, but didn’t post yet. I’ll be working on the request at the sunday! Don’t kill me, anon. I really liked your idea and I’m crazy for finally sit down and write, school is just taking all of me with the tests :/ Anyway, I hope you guys like it  ♡ 

Btw, I keep thinking if Seb would save the number as Mon chéri t.t

Thanks @lyss-91 for beta ♡

✘ Summary: Sebastian sees his ex girlfriend (the person he’s still in love with, by the way) dating a New Directions’s guy, Sam Evans. Of course, Sebastian is going to get his girl back, after all, she’s his girl. She always was and always will be. And he’s hers. Which doesn’t mean they’ll be back at the first look.

Part 1

10 PM, Sebastian’s cell phone beeped, announcing a new message. The Warbler grabbed the phone, smirking at the thought that you had picked up his number in the coffee cup.

Unknown number:

So, I guess that means you want to talk to me.

Sebastian saved your number and replyed almost immediately.

Sebastian:

Not only talk, mon bébé ;)

He smirked at himself at the thought of your reaction.

(Y/N):

Sebastian.

By the way, it was exactly what he expected.

Sebastian:

15 minutos, in front of Lima Bean.

(Y/N):

It’s like 10, Sebastian! My parents won’t let me go.

Sebastian:

Plus, your parents love me. If they know this is our so waited coming back, they’d let you and your mom would even stay wake to wait you for tell her everything.

(Y/N):

This is not our ‘’so waited coming back’’, and shut up. Better my parents don’t wake up and find out I left without they consentient, or I’ll make sure you’re dead.

Sebastian:

Only your mouth can shut up mine. Or other delicious par of you.

Sebastian:

On my way, 15 minutes.

(…)

“What do you want to talk about?” You asked, not sure how to begin this conversation. He arched his eyebrow, obviously predicting that you were avoiding the elephant between the two of you, a ‘Really?’ Stamped on his face. You sighed, opening your arms. “I don’t know what you want me to say, Sebastian! I’m confused here!”

“You’re not confused, (Y/N). You and I know that very well. Just like we both know you would n’t have sent me a message if you hadn’t had feelings for me yet.” Sebastian said straight, making your gaze catch up in the sky. He held your wrist, making you look at him. “Just like I keep loving you.” The Warbler almost whispered, the first time he’d even touched the word love with anyone since you break up.

“I still have feelings for you? Of course I do! And I love you, Sebastian. But I can’t do that.” You stepped away from him, and his hand felt empty without your skin, your heart was still beating at his sudden approach.

“Why? Because your New Directions’s boyfriend? Plus, (Y / N) “ Sebastian rolled his eyes, not believing that you were holding yourself because of a stupid trout. But knowing that this was exactly the kind of thing you would do to not hurt someone.

“He’s a good person, Sebastian. I can’t just rule him out because you showed up and asked me to! I like him!” You pointed out the obvious, but you had another worry. And if this was to be a clean conversation, you would put all the cards on the table.

“What if things end up as they did before?”

“Don’t put this on me, (Y N). Its wasn’t my fault!” Sebastian defended himself.

“Oh, so this was my fault?” You said wryly.

“Well, it wasn’t me who told you that was leaving on the day of the flight.” He countered in return, making you step back.

“That wasn’t a good idea,” you said quietly, feeling tears fill your eyes.

“(Y/N)… I… I’m sorry.”

“No, you’re right.” You looked directly into his emerald eyes. “I fucked things up, it was my fault, I should have said it before. But I was so afraid, Seb.”

“Afraid? Afraid of what? ” Sebastian asked confused, approaching of you with slow steps.

“I was afraid you would leave me when you found out because I would be gone anyway and you wouldn’t want to waste your time with me, and…”

“Never, I said, never think you’re a waste of my time, (Y/ N). I wouldn’t do that and I’ll never.” Sebastian held your hands, feeling your skin on his again was an unbelievable sensation. You let go of his hands and put your arms around his neck. Sebastian hugged you back, putting his long arms around you, making you feel safe. God, how you missed that hug. “Je t'aime, mon bébé.”

“I love you too, Seb.” He pulled away a little, just enough to cup your cheeks and bring your lips close. But before you kissed, you walked away with your eyes closed and a deep breath. ’'But I can’t hurt Sam. He’s been really good to me. He’s a good person.“ You turned around and ran off, giving Sebastian no chance to answer you, all you heard was him shouting your name. If you were there, you didn’t know what you could do, so you walked away for good.

Later that dawn, you received a text message.

Sebastian:

He may be a good person, but he’s not the person who you love.

[kisala10]

#65 Tagged

by @hopeblaze!

LAST… [1] drink: Coffee [2] phone call: Probably an acquaintance of my parents? They all call way too often (I don’t really like phone calls but I got used to it) [3] text message:About the schedule of a bus lmao [4] song you listened to: Adore U - SVT [5] time you cried: Idk maybe a few days ago? Ever since I started staying at home i lost the perception of time haha... [6] dated someone twice: No [7] been cheated on: No [8] kissed someone and regretted it: No [9] lost someone special: No [10] been depressed: No [11] gotten drunk and thrown up: No, I don’t drink and I’m a minor xD

LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLOURS: [12] Blue [13] Black [14] Red? Man, idk xD

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU… [15] made new friends: Yes [16] fallen out of love: Non [17] laughed until you cried: Mhhm probably [18] found out someone was talking about you: Always my Mom [19] met someone who changed you: No [20] found out who your true friends are: Not really...? I always trust any friend and believe that they’re being truthful until I find out or they tell me that they’ve lied to me [21] kissed someone on your facebook list: My family when I was a kiddo

GENERAL… [22] how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: Most of them [23] do you have pets: Non :c [24] do you want to change your name: Nah. But when I was younger, I didn’t like my name because so many people made fun of it to the point that I really did want to have another name xD [25] what did you do for your last birthday: I was at home with my family and ate cake [26] what time did you wake up: 7.20 AM (I always got an alarm during that  time) [27] what were you doing at midnight last night: Watching “One Fine Day - 13 Castaway Boys”. I finished it this morning T.T [28] name something you cannot wait for: For Saturday because I’m going to shop for art supplies!! [29] when was the last time you saw your mother: Yesterday [30] what is one thing you wish you could change about your life: Either living in another country or not living as a human lmao [31] what are you listening to right now: Noise of my laptop and me, typing [32] have you ever talked to a person named tom: Non [33] something that is getting on your nerves: Anything these days tbh but if I had to be specific then for example when people get pissed/annoyed at me. I’ll most likely be annoyed too [34] most visited website: Instagram and YouTube [35] elementary: The time when you’re supposed to have no worries :’) For some reason I mainly remember the bad memories [36] high school: About to graduate [37] college: Who knows :))) triggered [38] hair colour: Black [39] long or short hair: Mid short [40] do you have a crush on someone: Nah, neither romantic or platonic rn [41] what do you like about yourself? That I can make jokes about myself/my life Once I get into something, I’m really devoted, I guess? [42] piercings: My ears [44] nickname: Kisala, Kisa, Kisa-chan in general and then there’re individual nicknames like Ulrich and Usa-chan xD [45] relationship status: Single Who would have thought it [46] zodiac sign: Leo [47] pronouns: She/her [48] fav tv show: All the SVT shows that I’ve watched so far lmao [49] tattoos: None [50] right or left handed: Right handed

FIRST… [51] surgery: Haven’t had one yet [52] piercing: Ears [53] best friend: My childhood friend that used to live in the neighbourhood [54] sport: Probably badminton [55] vacation: In Vietnam but I can’t remember it because I was two or three years old [56] pair of trainers: Why would I know the answer to that [57] eating: Nothing [58] drinking: Nothing [59] i’m about to: Get up after finishing this [60] listening to: Still the same noise [61] waiting for: Myself to finish this lmao [62] want: All dat merch and all those albums [63] get married: Nah unless that person is rich af aka Jumin Han [64] career: I got nothing, I’m still considered a pupil

WHICH IS BETTER… [65] hugs or kisses: Hugs <3 [66] lips or eyes: Eyes [67] shorter or taller: Taller (but not too tall bc rip me) [68] older or younger: Older [69] romantic or spontaneous: Romantic [70] nice arms or nice stomach: Stomach [71] sensitive or loud: Both if possible? xD [72] hook up or relationship: Relationship [73] troublemaker or hesitant: Both.....?

HAVE YOU EVER… [74] kissed a stranger? No [75] drank hard liquor? Non [76] lost glasses/contact lenses? Nah [77] turned someone down: No [78] sex on first date? Nono [79] broken someone’s heart? Naah, I’m not the type someone would have a crush on [80] had your own heart broken? Kinda [81] been arrested? No [82] cried when someone died? No, if we’re talking about irl [83] fallen for a friend? No, I’d never fall for a friend Or for anyone probably

DO YOU BELIEVE IN… [84] yourself? Highly doubting it [85] miracles? Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t [86] love at first sight? Only exists in Shoujo manga so far :))) [87] santa claus? Non [88] kiss on the first date? None for me, unless it’s purely platonic but yes for anybody else [89] angels? Oh my gosh yes, there’re so many precious people [90] current best friend’s name: Who knows ;)) [91] eye colour: Dark brown [92] favourite movie: Currently “The Great Wall” (Really good movie 10/10, Kisala’s recommendation of the day)

I tag @yumifuyuko and @egg-tartss but none of you have to do it because I know that you already did this once