#and i am still going to law school but that's a convo for another time <- just had 2 put that out there tho

[otrtbs]

y'all. Y'ALL IN 18 DAYS ART HEIST BABY TURNS ONE

[mystech-master]

F/GO High School/Modern AU BS

Me and @rex101111 have been talking about a modern/HS AU ft. as many Chaldean servants as possible. Here are the ideas we came up with (I am pretty much cut and pasting our message convo, so this is a mixture of both me and Rex's ideas):

Gil is the douchbag Senior everyone hates but his dad owns the school or whatever so he can do whatever he wants. The only decent person who willingly hangs out with him is his childhood friend Enkidu who's hoping he can un-douch his bro. He has kid Gil as his little brother and Caster Gil as his older bro who both agree that he sucks (Gil is the loser middle child of the family), Caster Gil wonders what Enkidu sees in his shit head brother. "He's too good for you." "Blow it out your ass." "One day he's going to wise up, see how much of a shit you are, and when you're all alone don't come crying to me." Caster Gil is in college studying political science, Kid Gil goes to a fancy boarding school. Archer Gil goofs off and throws parties

Scathach is a swimming class teacher, mainly b/c I recall underwater training being a part of Cu's regiment under her tutelage. People were jealous of the Cus for like two seconds when they find out the swim teacher is their mom, then they see her having them do an extra twenty laps and ignoring when OG Cu starts floating in the water. "CU DIED!" "YOU'RE NOT HUMAN!" while Scathach is like "you have two seconds to stop playing around before I ACTUALLY drown you" and he's back to doing laps.

Yeah with 4-5 Cus (if you count Setanta from Arcade) that is like 5 brothers.

Nightingale as school nurse, she is friends with Asclepius who works at a hospital associated with the school (strictly professional, but the students think otherwise).

Side note, keep in mind you can have multiple servants be the same type of teacher, just for different classes/grades.

King Hassan is the old Religious History teacher. Every one thinks he's older then the rock is the school is made out of. He has a scary face and a scarier voice but most students consider him the most fair and patient teacher in the whole school. He always gets a lot of food gifts before Ramadan form the students. (A few students, such as the Guda twins and Mash, call him gramps.) The other Hassans are his grandkids, like actual grandkids. He's super strict with them because he expects a lot from them. He always praises them when they do well though. He made sure they ALL got into his class and they've been living in fear ever since. They love their grandpa but by Allah they know not to disappoint him. The only one to ever get out of anything is kid Hassan (one of the hundred face). Cursed Arm is oldest, then Asako (the main hundred face), then Serenity.

"I am very disappointed in ALL of you, have you all lost your heads? I swear I-*to kid Hassan*-ah no Habibi not you you're fine here have a candy-*back to the rest*-I KNOW you're better than this!"

VERY traditional guy, Cursed Arm mutters "Oh for God's sake" while doing a pop quiz and King Hassan looms over him and growls, "No Blaspheming In This Class Room"

For the various Artoria/Arturias, I imagined Lancer and Lancer Alter being sisters, so Saber Alter is a cousin. That leaves everyone else to just be sisters with one brother. Mother Lartoria owns a casino and gas her own yacht in reference to the summer event where she became a Ruler. If you want MHX could be a part of the family as a massive fucking Star Wars nerd. MHXX and MHX Alter are her mom and sister (so MHXX is a third sister for the two Lancer Artorias)

For Irisviel, I remember in one of the Nero Fest things that she was called Therapist Iri. Maybe she starts to get into that b/c she wants to help her adoptive son Shirou (instead of a big fire like in Zero it can be an orphanage fire thing, similar situation but a much smaller scale) , so she is the school therapist/psychiatrist. Like Maruki in P5 Royal.

Iskandar died in his 30s, Waver is around his 30s as Lord El Melloi II. The two are old college friends who still hang out and Alexander is Iskandar’s kid.

If you guys want you can see this as the two being gay dads since I know that ship is popular.

Fran had an abusive father before Babbage and Moriarty got involved. In the og story, Frankenstien has a scientific mindset like his creator, here Fran has a talent in the field, but she also hates it b/c it reminds her of him. Like imagine being talented at the thing your abusive parent was good at/known for. Moriarty tried to get it into her that SHE'S the one with the talent, not her college dropout bum of a father, "From you tell me of him Victor couldn't engineer his way out of an argument with a cat, you have a magnificent mind my dear, not letting it flourish to spite him would be a horrible waste...it's your talent, your skill. Not his." He smiles that smile she loves that scares every one but she knows he only smiles like that when he is absolutely convinced of something, "and you can out perform him without breaking a sweat."

Moriarty teaches Fran sign language while Babbage teaches her some engineering.

Jekyll is going for a major in medicine with a minor in law (in the actual irl story Dr. Jekyll was a doctor in medicine and law).

For science associated servants, you got da Vinci, Babbage, Edison, and Tesla as possible science teachers.

The Jeanne sisters. Without the Avenger BS, the reason Jalter (or Joan as one series of fics calls her) could hate her here is just inferiority complex and being compared to her perfect saint big sister all her life. Joan does have her talents, based on the summer event an, but again she doesn't acknowledge her own talent b/c of her always being compared to her older sister., in the 7 counterfeit events she is a really good artist. And it is the typical thing of Jeanne actually being scared out of her wits of being less than perfect because of all the expectations thrust on her. She gets one A- and runs to the bathroom crying and Joan has to swallow her pride and actually have a conversation with her sister for the first time in years. Jeanne Alter lily puts up Christmas decorations super early, much to Jeanne Alter/Joan's displeasure.

"IT JUST TURNED NOVEMBER CHILL TF OUT!"

"CHRISTMAS!"

Martha is Jeanne's BF since middle school and has this HUGE dog that scares everyone and growls at anyone expect Martha and Jeanne. She calls him Terry.

Rex loves Penthesilea. and we talked at length about the situation between her and Achilles. Can you not tell that he likes a woman who can kick his ass *gestures to all of his Baiken posts*

Rex's idea: I think they had a fight when they were little and Achilles, being a little shit back then, made fun of her for being a girl, and Penth has been sore about it ever since. She keeps running into big misogynistic meatheads that reminded her of that and she just got angrier over the years. She's a wrestler and can knock out just about every dude in school by herself. Achilles is very regretful about back then and wants to apologize but Penth ain't having any of it.

My idea: I thought they were on opposing HS sports teams and when Achilles handed her ass to her he forgot to drink his respect women juice and then Penth got all pissed.

In this AU, Penth and Hippolyta's dad was a general who taught them how to kick the ass of men twice their size since they were seven or something.

Penth surprises everyone when a festival comes up and she gets picked to be the one to organize everything...and does a spectacular job. Another surprise is that she plans on being a business major when she goes to college (Obligatory Amazoness CEO jokes)

Bedivere is the Arturia Pendragon family butler with a prosthetic arm. He's also the security guard, last guy that tried to steal something or cause trouble got slapped right out of the window he sneaked in from.

Francis Drake and Artoria Alter Lancer are work friends (referencing them both being associated with the Wild Hunt in F/GO's lore).

Beni-Enma is the short and shorter tempered lunch lady, last kid who mouthed off at her during lunch got smacked upside the head with her spoon. She's sweet, but if you're in detention and have to help her in the kitchen she's a mini Gorden Ramsey, "IT'S RAW DECHI!!!" She can also come into the home EC class where Shirou is her best student. Also her roasting of the other girls like in her quest. Getting Fs in Beni's class is the worst, because it isn't just an F, it's a meticulous dressing down of exactly why letting into a kitchen should be considered a war crime, dechi.

The three Avenger Nobus are three different people. 1st Ascension is basically Archer Nobu, then you got Oda Kipposhi, and then the mom is Ascension 3 with Demon King Nobunaga. The youngest Ascension 1 Nobu is a musician. Demon King Nobu is one of those "super scary but also super polite people that only makes them scarier" type, basically a female koei Nobunaga from samurai warriors (check out some cutscenes form the games with him, he's a treat).

Imagine Demon King Nobu mom in a business suit.

Suzuka Gozen and Sei Shonagon are the textaholics who always talk in slang to the point of it sounding like they speak a different language. Murasaki is the librarian but Sei is like that ONE student who just makes her job so much harder.

Every week it's "No phones in the library Miss Shonagon." while Sei rolls her eyes and types out twitter post like "fugly ol librarian at my school needs a life lol"

Oui Katsushika is a gifted art student, and her dad (not a floating little octopus), is just a normal dude with a squid/octopus like beard. She's the teacher's pet in De Vinci's art class.

Eresh and Ishtar come from a rich family, Ereshkigal is the older sister so she had a shit load of responsibility to take over the family business while Ishtar basically gets to party her life away. Rin is the cousin they each try and swing their way. Eresh wants Rin to keep up her studies and get into a good university, Ishtar wants Rin to loosen the fuck up and admit that she likes that scrawny Emiya kid already.

BB is the host of a talk show downtown so she is kind of an absentee mom. Meltryllis has prosthetic legs that she specifically asked to be made into stilts b/c she wanted to be taller, and Passonlip has a massive rack that makes life difficult (either people staring, people assuming she's gonna be a home wrecker b/c said staring must be intentional, etc.), and of course he also has prosthetic arms to match her canon claws, obviously not as massive.

Hijikata is a very serious police officer but his wife Carmilla just uses this to have fun in the bedroom. They have two Dobermans. Hijikata's route has him patrolling near the school so most of the kids know as that scary police dude that has a picture of his wife in his pocket. One day a famous Idol called Eli-chan~ (yes spelled with the ~) is about to perform in the town and the kids can't stop talking about her, so Hijikata overhears. But, being the serious dude he is he shrugs it off until he sees a picture of this "Eli-chan~" and realizes it's his sister-in-law that came to visit and suddenly the influx of parasitic paparazzi near his house start making sense.

Carmilla: "Now you see why I hate them?", Hijikata: "No you cannot send the dogs after them honey."

She almost ran one of them over in her, very expensive, car and when that reporter says she should be locked up Hijikata corrects that would only happen if she had hit him...and she would be fined. For littering.

Okita Alter being Hijikata's partner, while Okita is her younger sister who's looked up to Hijikata since she was a little kid but she has asthma and such so she's afraid she might not get accepted.

Sigurd owns a metalworks shop (referencing his myth where he was raised by the dwarf Reginn), he met his wife Brynhildr when she was disowned by her overly controlling father.

Ozymandias, Nitocris, and Cleopatra are all the high board members of a company. Nitocris specifically got wind of Scheherazade's abusive husband situation and after getting said husband arrested, she offered Scheherazade a job.

Atalanta is a college student/TA who worked with Achilles' dad who ends up at their HS for a program or something, Achilles' dad has told him a lot about her.

Amakusa Shirou is an uncle married to the CEO of Babylon Gardens Pharmaceuticals, Semiramis. Semiramis herself is kinda chill if REALLY scary. She had to be pretty cutthroat to get to her position in the company, but Amakusa Shirou helped her mellow out, but she is still a massive tsundere.

"You know you COULD poison their lunch." "Semi, dear, I'm not going to poison my coworker's sandwich for being an ass." "It wouldn't kill them! Just a bit in their peanut better and they'll be stuck on the toilet for a week, no harm no foul."

Rex initially said Taiga would be an overly enthusiastic gym teacher but then I remembered that she was a homeroom/English teacher in Fate canon, but either or can do if you wanna be unique.

For Quetzalcoatl, Wrestling club supervisor when she isn't the senior year gym teacher. Some of the male students laughed that they didn't think a woman would know anything about wrestling. Two piledrives later, the students have earned a new appreciation for the importance on how not to be two pieces of shit. She's big on Lucha as in canon and during Halloween she gets JAGUARMAN to have an exhibition fight with her. They make a show of it but later on Taiga admits that Quatz could have CRUSHED her if they were actually fighting. She takes the wrestling club out for homemade Mexican food after tournaments

For Siduri, there's a bunch of rumors she's dating Caster Gil but it's strictly professional, Caster respects her too much to consider that. Archer Gil hits on her relentlessly, she manages to wound his ego more severely then anyone else simply by being unfailingly polite in her rejections and treating him like what he is, a teenage punk jumping higher than he can handle to land.

Ibaraki is Shuten's adoptive little sister after she was taken from an abusive mother, hence why Ibaraki looks up to her. Ibuki is either Shuten's big sister who had to take on a guardian role, or just her mom. Shuten and Ibuki have a bit of a strained relationship because Shuten saw the way Ibuki acted as they grew up, taking more and more responsibilities onto herself and refusing any distractions. And she decided that her biggest nightmare is to wake up one morning and realize she's turned into Ibuki so she tries to do everything to avoid that, hence their relationship not being the best. Ibaraki is kinda stuck in the middle because she wants to side with Shuten but she sees where Ibuki is coming from. Messy.

Caren is still Kotomine’s daughter, but he isn’t a good dad and in rebellion she sleeps around despite being a woman of god. Including sleeping with local punk Angra Mainyu. Angra Mainyu seems like a bad guy but he has a shit load of issues due to being blamed for everything going wrong in his old town, eventually coming to believe them and thinking he will cause nothing but problems. Caren banging him gives him a type of closeness he’s never felt, but under very warped circumstances.

For the Tamamo family, Vitch totally fucked her way up a corporate ladder or something, imagined Tamamo Cat working at a Cat Cafe if she were a Student. Tamamo no Mae accidentally fed her prev BF a food he was allergic too, and that kind of haunted her and scared her rep. IDK basically she seriously fucked up a previous relationship, either on purpose or accidentally, and that kind of hurts her deeply so she wants to start over with Hakuno.

Nero and Tamamo no Mae are rivals over this one guy.

Kiichi Hougen is the adoptive mom, Benkei is the family friend/uncle, Taira is Ushiwaka's older sister. Taira isn't on the best of terms with her family, some drama way back caused a rift and nowadays Ushi is the only one who's willing to talk to her and visit. Benkei never lets her go alone because he doesn't trust Taira one bit. Taira and Ushiwaka are Kintoki and Tomoe's cousins (I say Tomoe b/c apparently her husband and Ushiwaka were half cousins, with their grandpa having kids with their grandmas. I tried to make a whole family tree out of a few servants).

These are the ideas we had the most to talk about, if you guys have any suggestions for your fav servants in this AU, let either me or Rex know. Or just reblog and say them here. Who knows maybe you have a much better idea for a Servant we already mentioned.

[currentfandomkick]

Bio! Dad Strange part 4

Shorter but a paris update for her life and a little on gotham with Jason as Robin while Tim is a hero Stalker.

Marinette is 7 when she changes schools, ordered into the Dupont school chain by her teachers since she was getting ‘difficult’ and contradicting their ciriculum. When they challeneged her on this, she went to the school board with Rolland beside her of all people.

The board agreed on one thing, Marinette’s contradictions were not only factually correct, but were done to prevent the outdated ciriculum from hurting her classmates. Instead of punishing her, she got to skip a gade and was given to Dupont as a ‘highly reccomended gifted student’.

Her first day she met Max, who also skipped a grade. The pair bond in five seconds over a new programming focused on learning emotional intelligence. Uncle Riddler was showing her it, and Max got his hands on a various ai bases. This led to then teaming up and designing the one and only Markov together, if only in schematics.

A week in and the two notice that some kids are being followed around by a guy with a bat. They report it. Again and again, but no one can find him.

One day he catches the pair on their way to Max’s—they wanted to work on their ai together, ok? The guy tries to hit Max, saying something about them being lucky metas that needed to suffer.

Marinette’s gotham training kicked in. She caught the bat, ripped it away from him and hit him in the chest with it, while yelling at max to run.

At the end of the incident, videotaped by a bystander, the Dupont Stalker was arrested.

Marinette was given another name by the police, ‘fille de batte’ or bat girl. Her having family in gotham only made the nickname more popular.

This put her on Kim and Alix’s radar. Kim wanted a challenge for fighting and competitions, and this tiny kid did that—to an adult! New friend and rival!

Alix was went from shock to joy as Marientte does art. She does art. Art friend to rant to found!

Nino ran into Marinette not long after Kim and Alix attached themselves to her and Max. Nino became their judge for Kim challenges. Including Mari pinning Kim to the mat, or deciding who did a circus move better (Mari won acrobatics).

Chloe doesnt go to dupont until next year, and sabrina is in another class, mildly concerned for Marinette.

In this au, again, Dupont is considered a ‘i would not be shocked if there were metas there’ school for gifted kids in any way.

Marinette is sent there for her insane science obsession at the time, but is also put in their arts program with Alix to develop as an artist with her medium, fabrics and fashion.

And if marinette redesigns hero outfits as “monsiuer ross, scribbles have more style, let alone fashion sense” alot, well. Kids get obsessed a lot and the Justice League is a common one, as are known villians. Her everyday outfits having different hero schemes—oddly enough some forensic scientist she’s obsessed with from some american city ended up in her mix—well. She’s a kid and showing signs a few types of anxiety.

Possible social and OCD and a developing case of perfectionism common to the arts program. The school has her see a therapist and know she isnt telling them everything beyong mild concern for her gotham family, and confusion over people just ‘not getting things’ as she is terribly smart and good at finding patterns and how do people not see it?

By the end of the year Marinette is in a strong friend group who’s parents and hers have decided to have joint custody during the school year.

She was now (forced) to learn vietnamese from Kim’s Grandparents, italian from Rolland (her nonno that has a Thing for tradition and somehow married Gina and raised Tom mostly on his own while running the bakery to boot), english from Father/Strange, Mandarin from her Maman and she started Arabic to talk with Nino’s aunt who kept saying marinette was her future in-law and point out that nino and her are friends, not dating ma’am.

However, Nino endured most of this with her-not the italian or Mandarin, but the others. Kim couldnt get Arabic but mandarin was a breeze for him. Alix cannot get vietnamese or arabic but Mandarin is her jam after french. Max just speaks french and english, he understands the others he just cant get the sounds right, ok?

When Marinette goes back to Gotham that summer, she ends up dealing with Hero Stalker Tim (jason is robin now) while looking for Red Hoodie who No oNE is telling her what happened and she’s worried, ok?

Tim feeds her obbsession with fixing problems. He sometimes sends her building layouts of places Catwoman stole from. And then the jewlry reappears thanks to a nervous Marinette coached by Rose and Ghoul while Frost handles her post-fix it freak out. Tim also may or may not get helped by her alot during Batman Stalking Time as she teaches his butt how to sneak and complains he’s worse than penguin.

Tim hates that, works on it, and still has nonidea who she is. He does admit to figuring out who batman may be, but needs more evidence so...

Marinette hits him becuase “thats dangerous!” And tries to lecture him in identites.

Batman’s radiowave was used for said lecture.

“And it puts their families in danger you, uh, hero stalker! And stuff so no more identity investigations!”

“They have the same builds, and did signsture moves from—“ the signal cutout.

He and Jason are more careful... ish. They change channels and monitor the old one.

Sometimes Batman catches Marinette and Tim talking about coldcases and she has asked three times if he heard anything about Jason’s street kid identity. Jason is feeling guilty about this as she’s his Pixie Pop. This lets Bruce know that the probably-clark’s-kid would keep Jason away from GCPD and CPS.

When a convo leads to Batman finding out Tim and Marinette have considered asking the police for help with a case of medicine that needed to be recalled as it was beign used to mule drugs contaminated the batches and hurt patients, but turned it down after she saw some taking bribes from Fish, Batman lets Gordon know and an investigation is launched.

While Bats is away, Jason visits marinette as Robin and tries to get her to bats for more information and a lecture on heroing without adult supervision. Maybe.

Only she’s currently stealing from a sleeping selina at another HQ. A Selina who has stopped trying to stop marinette and let riddler turn her house into one of his ‘traps’ to stop Marinette’s ‘return theiving’.

Jason gets stuck in a trap. Marinette is gone by then, scared Robin will tell Superman about her and he’ll hurt her family or something.

Catwoman is annoyed at Marinette’s sucess. She goes to stop the girl after leaving him tied up for Batman with a message: leave her new kitten-to-be alone.

Follow up talk post-Caught Marinette reverse theiving.

“Blame the Council’s decrees. She’s their little princess, and my new neice,” Catwoman watched Batman carefully.

Confused Batman in interrogator mode. “You mean the Court of Owls, arent they disbanded?”

“Bats, the council is gotham’s underground. Apparently Two-Face made the contracts as penance for scaring the Princess during a breakout. Unless you want an organized attack by the council, steer clear of her.”

Batman conencts the dots and curses himself. The girl he was looking for last summer is the Princess of Gotham’s underground. It will be hell finding her. And Superman/Clark will lose it when he’s told.

He lets the JL know about it, saying ‘possibly kyptonian clone, female child. Gotham’s underground is calling her their Princess. Connor and Kidflash tailed her last summer during the arkham breakout while Robin was with the Titans. Be alert for a small asian girl.’

That was how Marinette ended up on the JL watch list and how Superman had another existential crisis.

Dick freaks out with the Titans over this. Becuase kyltonian raised by villians is terrifying. Jason forwarded the message and adds on “she’s a good kid and wants to help. Somehow keeps zsasz and joker from killing people, so its not good to take her away or issolate her from the villians if you find her. From what i remember, she is terrified of her family beign put in danger. The others wont listen to me. If you can, pass this along to the other sidekicks and your allies—none of them trust me enough to listen. I cant talk to her as a civilian like i used to either for obvious reasons. And she’s terrified of me-Robin. Maybe you can get through to her, or someone else can. Just talk to her first, she’s more reasonsble than she looks”

Dick doesnt read the add on until much later and regrets it.

He met marinette once. She was a very excited kid babbling about aerodynamics in acrobatics and asking about that. Not hero things, not power things, or justice league but That.

He tried to be nice but he was having a horrible mission, saw the girl floating as she rambled and tried to grab her.

She freaked out and bolted, sort of. He got slammed into a building, or would have had she not caught him, rambled in french while trying to apologize (he was a but stunned from the throw, and rebooting as villian-kyptonian was... nice?) and put him on the roof, hit his communicator and said one thing.

“I think i broke your robin? All are robins like bird bones or something?”

He regained a functioning brain as that. That was something he could respond to.

“I am human thank you!”

That seemed to be enough for her as he moved to get up. She waved bye and bolted, something about Rose being mad at her for being late...

“Titans. I think we might have been wrong about the kid...”

Later with Young Justice the info was passed on.

Jason asked if anyone read his attachment and was met with silence. He groaned and told them “so another team she’s going to avoid... great.”

Marinette added the titans to her list of ‘people to aviod—tetch and Jerimah were the worst. Luthor and Cadmus were under them. Then the entire Justice League (they would tell batman or superman. Snitches.), followed by GCPD, CPS, the Bat Family and now Titans. She wonders if she needs to add anyone else, and hates that she cant talk to heroes. They could help with controlling her powers instead of suppressing them but she cant trust them not to give her to superman like batman did with Rose to Poison Ivy and she’s pretty sure Superboy too.

Next time, times marinette accidently put together identities and curses Hero Stalker Tim for her now knowing.

[punkscowardschampions]

Jac & Savannah

Jac: [Later than the Jesse convo, so drunker too, but still in the clerb] Jac: Total success, yeah? 🎉🍾💃 Savannah: 🙌 Jac: Are you having a good time? Savannah: YES! Savannah: I'm so glad everyone is nice Jac: it is such a relief Jac: so not like high school Savannah: ^^ we can stop waiting for the lives we want now Jac: yeah Jac: it's started Jac: and nothing is in our way now Jac: or no one Savannah: thank god Jac: You look beautiful Savannah: I was thinking maybe it's too much Savannah: if Sienna likes it Jac: 😂 Jac: You could pull off anything Jac: but I like it too Savannah: it's for you Savannah: I promised 💗 🌷 🌺 🌸 💗 Jac: You did Jac: my own uni wardrobe is lacking Jac: next time Savannah: it's REALLY not Savannah: you look perfect Jac: am I still sleeping over? Savannah: of course Savannah: unless you don't want to Jac: I do Jac: just checking  😊 Savannah: I know I stole ALL the blankets but I'm so sorry & I so won't do it again if you stay Jac: That's not what it is Savannah: do NOT use this moment to tell me that I talk in my sleep because I will die Jac: you're a total 👸🏾 in sleep too, don't worry Savannah: you're an 👼🏻 always Jac: do you have a drink? Savannah: Jordan was supposed to be getting me one but it's been forever Jac: I'll find him Jac: try to Savannah: We'll just get our own, I don't need a man Jac: 👏 Savannah: 🥂 Savannah: find me ✨ Jac: Might get distracted by the disco ball Savannah: you're supposed to only have 👀 for me Savannah: SO mean Jac: You know I do Savannah: 🥰 Jac: Do you think any of the lads are cute? Savannah: oh my god! That means you do! Savannah: who do you like? Jac: no it doesn't Savannah: it does, J Jac: I'd tell you if it did Savannah: I'd tell you if I thought anyone was cute Savannah: & them Jac: True Jac: just checking Savannah: I think Maddie is BEYOND cute Savannah: love that outfit Jac: She seems fun too Savannah: [goes to dance with whoever this girl is] Savannah: okay, she's really fun Jac: 👍 Savannah: come dance with us Jac: one sec Jac: [going outside or wherever] Savannah: 🥺🥺🥺🥺 Jac: I'll be right back Jac: got to talk to Dale Savannah: you've got to dance with me Jac: [gotta be at least 5 minutes before you do, have some resolve] Savannah: [excuse us maddie there's a moment about to happen here] Jac: [casually politely blocking you out here no offense] Savannah: [gotta be done soz] Savannah: [when they're both hot so you know lads who aren't even from their course gonna get involved] Jac: [at least you can swerve them more freely in a sassy manner] Savannah: [and we can sacrifice maddie to one that's she's vaguely into so thanks] Jac: [go get yours gal] Savannah: [leave them to their shameless gay vibe] Jac: [try to get out your head gal you can do it] Savannah: [we all know she's accidentally making this so ridiculous difficult for you rn] Jac: [we're not any more sorted than we were lbr ladies] Savannah: [tea] Jac: [so productive] Savannah: [making you come to the toilets with her so she can fix her makeup/admire herself because of course] Jac: [just admiring her too tbh] Savannah: [likewise because now is the time for a shameless hair touch like lemme fix that for you and all the ensuing compliments because Savannah is me] Jac: [😳😳😳😳] Savannah: [when she's inherited her father's complexion so obvs the bae sees but she thinks it's adorable 'you feel things so deeply, I love that about you'] Jac: ['one of us should appreciate it, like' 🙄 at self] Savannah: ['of course I appreciate you, you've always been everything to me' be gayer please gal] Jac: ['almost everything' 'cos you drunk enough that that can slip but then you nudge her like 😏 lol lol total bants] Savannah: [when that hurts your heart so much it'd be obvious on your face for a split second at least before you cover it with your own 🙄 at self like I can't believe I like boys ugh] Jac: [reflectively putting your hand on her shoulder like no it's okay, I'm sorry and covering that by finally being like 'at least you don't like Jordan] Savannah: [taking that hand and positioning her arm so you can look at her tattoo that matches yours like you're relieved she still has it, also without thinking about it but then being like oh shit so you just have to say 'I like being single' even though she did not ask and it's not true] Jac: [when we know you better than that, babe so the really? is on our face v hard but we not being judgy with it and we show that by touching her tattoo lightly] Savannah: [the 'rude' is on her face but playfully we're not actually offended but we shrug because she does mean that she doesn't wanna date another Milo for so many reasons, cos that was a time in both their lives we know] Jac: ['he's probably having such a shit time' in a comforting forget him way, 'cos of course you know what she think of, at least who] Savannah: [she's so not above being buzzing at the prospect/hoping he is so such a happy face again] Jac: [lols] Savannah: [putting your lipgloss or whatever it is on her cos it's nothing too dramatic where she'd be like no and we can pretend that's why you're shamelessly staring at her cos that idea struck you to do a makeover moment and not cos you're gay] Jac: [not at all thinking about the other way you coulda put that on her, nah, doing a kissy face like tah] Savannah: [tucking her hair behind her ear/playing with it like you're so concerned it could get stuck to this gloss okay] Jac: [having to yeah HAVING to take her hand to get her out 'cos bathrooms in clerbs are always packed like come on] Savannah: [she's clearly about it] Jac: [go dance some more] Savannah: [that's what we are here for, a chance to be gay af without either of us freaking out] Jac: [mhmm, live and let live ladies] Savannah: [it's like expected of straight girls at this point so] Jac: [we all hoe dance at the clerb] Savannah: [god bless, come through with that drink jordan, where you been?] Jac: [who are you where are you so many questions also making him go get you one too shamelessly like thaaaanks] Savannah: [when you a bad bitch like your mother] Jac: [don't be making enemies though gal] Savannah: [someone should make an actual move on either of them tonight but I can't decide which way round I want it] Jac: [hmm, there's a case for either way isn't there] Savannah: [because it could be a girl in Jac's case cos don't need an A+ gaydar to be knowing which would be awkward and freak her out but obviously it could be a boy too which would #confirm Sav thinking she's not gay but obviously it'd hurt her heart if some boy or girl is all over Sav and she thinks she's into it so] Jac: [i say let it be a girl and jac for the freakout we can probably use that the most] Savannah: [it has the henchest legs in terms of a idea I agree] Jac: [hoot] Savannah: [how do you want it to happen like are they still dancing or what's the craic] Jac: [I think they go back to their tables to be social a bit and this girl pops off] Savannah: [love that, what type of lesbian are you gal, what would be the most awkward? butch maybe] Jac: [yes like undeniably so lol] Savannah: [I have such a mental image rn] Jac: [a fuckboy who is probably gonna give feminist rants in your lectures, marlene hello lol] Savannah: [her more butch cousin because k-stew is still too soft] Jac: [ruby rose] Savannah: [mhmm] Jac: [just shooketh like how did you know #exposed over here] Savannah: [meanwhile your bae is oblivious talking to whoever else] Jac: [when a girl has never and you can't outright run or anything 'cos these your classmates] Savannah: [like you could run gal but you gotta be subtle about it you can't just be like I need a piss RN cos then she might think you wanna hook up in the bathroom lol] Jac: [oh no no, keeping this convo dry sweaty] Savannah: [at least you can always say you're not out if she won't take the hint because it's against gay law to out someone so] Jac: [bye ruby rose] Savannah: [you can run now if you want gal] Jac: [if she's the kind that can be chill enough to be friendly and not totally in your face, you should stay, 'cos trying here for that new rep] Savannah: [#growth] Jac: [don't wanna be alone again at any cost] Savannah: [so sad and so true] Savannah: I'm doing my best to be a social 🦋 but I miss you Jac.: Come and save me then Savannah: [does but does the thing where they end up sharing a chair like oh hey, you're lowkey on her lap gal neither of you are smol enough for this] Jac.: [when you can fully get into the bit 'cos you are just tryna let this girl know you're not interested, sure babe, like Sav is touchy-feely anyway but she'd be less so naturally but playing with her hair rn] Savannah: [😳 but her skin tone is not giving her away so we're fine] Jac.: [needlessly whispering/loud whispering 'cos clerb in her ear instead of tryna shout to the whole group 'cos we sending a message here ok] Savannah: [we know she doesn't need any encouragement to join in with that because that's shamelessly a vibe for them anyway like soz Isabelle] Jac.: [we've not changed that hard and have no intention to really lmao and can't fault you] Savannah: [more dancing like you've just gotta cos THIS SONG but we know why really] Jac.: [we know the vibe] Savannah: [just dancing til you're actually knackered and do need to sit back down for a bit] Jac.: [is there anything else we wanna/do we wanna let anything go down/however small it might seem] Savannah: [the temptation to make it even gayer is so real but it's like the L bomb dilemma of like is now the right time/do we wanna prolong the agony longer but I feel like something needs to happen] Jac.: [this is day TWO, freshers is intense by default everyone thinks they're gonna be friends forever, and the way most people do it you're like drunk the whole week, so I feel like something could reasonably happen/should, even if we then take however many paces back] Savannah: [you gotta do it Savannah it's your turn to put yourself out there gal] Jac.: [we can all pretend we don't remember lol #doitdoit Savannah: [I just can't decide if I want it to happen at the club or when they're alone having their sleepover moment cos pros and cons to both] Jac.: [like the tension is high in both scenarios but maybe have enough wherewithal to not let your classmates 👀 'cos they so close as is people will be like OH YOU A COUPLE, although, we COULD do that if we wanted, hmm] Savannah: [Savannah just like yes she's the love of my life, Jac like I AM SO CONFUSED] Savannah: [but in all seriousness I am leaning towards the sleepover because if they're alone and then Savannah is like well that didn't happen, Jac's just like did it happen though, like am I actually losing my mind/dreaming really vividly here like] Jac.: [I vibe, you can go harder but deny as hard] Savannah: [exactly because you know they're gonna go really hard this has been such a long time coming] Jac.: [mhmm] Savannah: [plus I love the cinematic visual of them having no makeup or sassy outfits on when this happens like you're really making yourselves vulnerable here aren't you gals] Jac.: [and in a single bed, of course, Jac having literally not slept in hers, like] Savannah: [she hasn't yet, that actually kills me] Jac.: [y'all could've shared if you been knew at this rate lmao] Savannah: [I also like the idea that they don't stop because they get interrupted or any of the things we normally throw at people but because Savannah actually says that she wants to/isn't ready to go any further than this because they do have good communication and also it shows that like she did wanna do what actually happened even if she does deny it later] Jac.: [That was literally the vibe I had too so same page] Savannah: [yet more vulnerability cos you have to be like can we stop but you're not scared to] Jac.: [and at least that's some clarity so Jac is going to be the opposite of mad about it, obvs] Savannah: [y'all had and lbr still have so much trust that it just makes sense] Jac.: [the last thing you want/wanted was to ruin the friendship that's the whole mood we're not being reckless out here] Savannah: [snuggle and be soft in that small bed ladies] Jac.: [live your best lives, we'll worry about it tomorrow] Savannah: [unrelated but cos I just looked up their heights I 100% vote that Sav was as tall/taller than her last boyfriend and he was annoyed about it because he is not Jimothy] Jac.: [you gotta be confident to own that so yes 100% no heels for you gal] Savannah: [Ty can be taller cos basketball boy so you could've worn them then #thegoldenage] Savannah: [okay so I'll write what we said here for future ref 1. Jac wakes up and her bae is gone so she's freaking out thinking that Sav is for obvious reasons but 2. Sav has only gone to get coffee or tea or whatever because that bitch and that gay so she comes back with breakfast and Jac's gone so she's like ??] Savannah: Where did you go? Jac.: I thought you wanted me to be gone Savannah: Oh boo no! It was supposed to be a nice surprise Jac.: Oh Jac.: well Jac.: that's embarrassing then Savannah: I can just bring the 🥐 to you Savannah: the ☕️ will probably get cold so I will be drinking it on the way, sorry Jac.: I'm sorry, that was weird Jac.: got out of the practice of this whole friend thing, clearly Jac.: that sounds good, you can see the inside of my dorm, I definitely owe you by this point Savannah: You don't even need to be sorry, I literally should have woken you to say I'd be right back but you looked SO adorable Savannah: though I'm not sure how I didn't already by like making my secret escape Jac.: but it was a good surprise Jac.: feel like a total 🥳💩 now Jac.: I'll use my time to ponder how to make it up to you Savannah: I can think of another one, it's fine Savannah: to be honest the ☕️ isn't that good anyway Savannah: [spoiler alert it is good and she's lying to make her feel less bad lol] Jac.: I do need caffeine though...what state do you think the kitchen will be in 🤔 Savannah: I love you but I don't think I can go in there for you Jac.: 😂 Jac.: I won't penalize you for being productive and getting out of bed to forage Jac.: that would be beyond rude Jac.: I'm gonna buy a kettle for my room, definitely Savannah: Literally any excuse to go shopping again is endorsed Jac.: I'm down Jac.: these rooms are so old-fashioned by default, there's no such thing as over decorating, it's a decent challenge Savannah: ^^^ Savannah: I'm so upset we aren't roommates Jac.: Nat is in David Russell and it's so clean and modern looking in comparison inside Jac.: AND they've got doubles Jac.: but that's the price we pay for the more traditional experience again Jac.: I know, if only we HAD known Jac.: next year, we can share Savannah: I get the appeal but I personally do NOT want to be reminded of home Jac.: I feel you, plus that's like where EVERYONE lives, social 🦋 or otherwise, I want my peace and quiet sometimes Savannah: A bigger bed would be AMAZING though, I can't sleep in the curled up in the foetal position every night of my life Jac.: I won't be there taking up space every night, it'll probably feel doable then Savannah: Baby, I hate to do it like this but you're only average height Jac.: 😂 Jac.: oh, I'm sorry, it's those extra FOUR inches that make all the difference Jac.: what about Dom, he's gotta be like 6'5, spare a thought for him fully hanging off the end, like Savannah: Obviously they do Savannah: but yes, at least I'm not planning to have a sleepover with Dom any time soon, I'm sure he's BEYOND relieved Jac.: No one could be relieved about that Jac.: you're such a thoughtful host Savannah: if we weren't literally in Scotland I'd almost believe the 🌞 came out then Savannah: but it's just you warming my heart Savannah: being the sweetest ever 💛 Jac.: Even if we DON'T wanna be reminded of home, the culture shock of constant 🌞 would be too much Jac.: you deserve 🍧🍨🍦🍰🎂🍭🍬🍫🍩🍪🍯 Savannah: Well, I'd acclimatise for you, obviously Savannah: & develop a sweet tooth Jac.: You're perfect how you are Savannah: I'd look even more perfect with a tan though Jac.: I'd look even more like my mother Jac.: which is arguably the same thing but Savannah: & not a bad thing Savannah: Your mum is so pretty Jac.: I know Savannah: your whole family is a different level, honestly Jac.: 🎁 and a curse, I guess Savannah: like the Cullens if any of them were actually cast hot in the film Jac.: 😂 Jac.: how hard can it be to find perfect clone-looking actors, really Savannah: 😄 Savannah: thanks for not being a vampire, even if we are in the perfect ☁️ 🌧 climate Jac.: as far as you know Jac.: might only wear my fangs on weekends Savannah: excuse me, I know all your secrets Jac.: Perhaps Jac.: 😏 Savannah: 🥺 Jac.: Awh, baby Jac.: 'course you do Savannah: I can't believe you're making me walk right now 🥱 Savannah: can we PLEASE go back to bed Jac.: we should, if we're hitting sinners tonight Jac.: apparently it's carnage Jac.: sports lads, and girls, are always mental Savannah: I don't think I'm going to that Jac.: Not your scene? Jac.: A night off isn't a terrible idea, even if you have to keep that 🤫 from some of our more... enthusiastic classmates Savannah: Even if I didn't desperately need to apply a hair & face mask, I need the reminders of jock types less, I did my time Jac.: How true Jac.: Somehow Tyler would've been more annoying if he also had a brain that wasn't 🏀 Savannah: Don't be mean, he was really not that annoying for a boy Jac.: That's what I'm saying Jac.: his lack of opinions was welcome Savannah: are you going? Jac.: I was gonna Jac.: but I'm not fully sold either way Savannah: oh, so you want me to convince you to stay with me Savannah: okay Jac.: My hair is obviously looking SO glorious without the mask so Jac.: yeah 😉 Savannah: I told you, I'll think of another surprise Savannah: something to do that's more worthy of us Jac.: I believe in you Jac.: ☕🥐 and the rest Savannah: I won't let you down, baby Jac.: Never have Savannah: Well, once Jac.: I'd let you down first Savannah: it's no excuse though Jac.: That's well in the past Jac.: now we have a future Jac.: you've just got the morning after blues Jac.: you need to come back to bed Savannah: you're right Savannah: [show up gal cos it only takes like 12 minutes] Jac.: [has definitely cleaned up this kitchen so they can sit up the table and have their breakfast, also put a tea on 'cos duh] Savannah: [when you can blame how happy you are to see her on the fact you've had 2 caffeinated beverages] Jac.: [we know you getting a big hug 'cos feels so stupid/so relieved that what you thought had happened hasn't] Savannah: [casually dying any time she's affectionate with you because not a touchy feely bitch like you are and of course that's the only reason okay bye] Jac.: [have your gay breakfast gals] Savannah: [we chatting about the night but so casually avoiding what happened at the end like] Jac.: [lol this is all so fine and dandy] Savannah: [truly] Jac.: [if you're both committing to it, it'll work for now ladies] Savannah: [and you clearly both are for your own reasons] Jac.: [mhmm] Savannah: [case in point just going back to bed like that's fine] Jac.: [lmao and we all know you ain't going out tonight girl] Savannah: [we all know you're going on a date] Jac.: [yes we'll have to find somewhere appropriate] Savannah: [yeah gotta be aesthetic] Savannah: [we can skip to that if you want cos we also know when you wake up you just living that pampering life] Jac.: [makes sense to me] Savannah: [okay so picnic is first is there anything we wanna ref happening during that other than them being happy nerds? like obvs you're gonna have to snuggle for warmth that's a given] Jac.: [clearly someone has taken that pic for them 'cos her face so I like to think some extra hoe was like OMG YOU'RE SO CUTE lemme] Savannah: [100% an american] Jac.: [lmao absolutely] Savannah: [thinking they a couple like you're not ready for that convo random gal] Jac.: [don't need to go into it with you, they should also do some gardening, those nerds] Savannah: [oh shit yes obviously you have to start a garden together] Jac.: [even if they just get rid of the dead stuff that's been left and prep it for spring, we'll look up the situ of what to plant 'cos when they go to the botanical gardens etc they can buy things and get inspo] Savannah: [I love that for you ladies] Jac.: [we know the vibe, it's gonna be cute af, nothing is gonna be said/done 'til you go out and get some alcohol] Savannah: [yeah hence I'm trying to find an aesthetic restaurant for you to get on the wine lol] Savannah: [okay gotta hit up the balgove larder flower shed and farm shop for supplies because aesthetic af and they have an insta we can steal from even if we don't eat there] Savannah: [I think the rav looks v aesthetic and they have cocktails as well as a wine list so] Jac.: [sorted, babey] Savannah: [okay so obvs we are gonna try and do posts but is there anything you wanna ref here as happening/do when they are drunk enough] Jac.: [we could talk when we get back, like just do dialogue and actions] Savannah: [I think that's a good idea, who's dorm are we saying?] Jac.: [probably Jac's] Savannah: [has kinda been your base for the day so that makes sense]

[reshiiii]

Greetings, addressing others and small talk in Slovak

Slovak has two forms of addressing others - “vykanie” and “tykanie”.

VYKANIE

formal form

the “vy” (plural you) is used to talk to adult strangers, older people, at offices, at shops, by children addressing adults, by students addressing teachers...

it´s good to first use formal form, as many adults will tell you “Tykaj mi” or “Kľudne mi tykaj” after a while, meaning that you can use the informal form while talking to them

in some families they use formal form if talking to grandparents or great-grandparents

ONIKANIE is the most formal form that can be, although it is rarely ever used now. It uses the “oni” (them-form) and is used when talking to great-grandparents, older generations used it to talk to their grandparents. You can also see it in church and clergy. It´s something I´d like to imagine you would use if talking to Queen (Elizabeth. Not Freddie. Although he deserves it)

did you know: vykanie is also used by fiancée/fiancé when talking to their in-laws. In Slovakia it´s normal to call your in-laws “parents” (which means that mother-in-law is called just “mother” and father-in-law “father”) but even then they still use the formal form. In “traditional” relationship bride - mother-in-law it is said it´s  “Pretože je ľahšie povedať ty krava než vy krava.” - “Because it´s easier to say (literally) you cow (singular you) than you cow (plural you).”

TYKANIE 

informal form

the “ty” (singular you) is used to speak to friends, family members, children, contemporaries, other students...

!! it´s considered rather impolite to use informal form while talking to elders or strangers

And now, greetings!

Ahoj!, Čau! - Hello!/Hi! but also Bye! Dobré ráno! - Good morning! Dobrý deň! - Hello!, literally Good day! Dobrý večer! - Good evening! Dobrú noc! - Good night! Dovidenia! - Goodbye!, basically See you later! Dovi! - Bye!, short form of Dovidenia Zbohom! - Goodbye! (as in God-be-with-you)

FORMAL COMMUNICATION

Kto ste (vy)? - Who are you (plural)?

(Ja) som ... - I am...

študent / študentka - male student/ female student

Odkiaľ ste ? - Where are you (pl) from?

(Ja) som .... - I am...

 z Ameriky - from America

z Anglicka - from England

z Poľska - from Poland

z Číny - from China

zo Slovenska - from Slovakia 

Ako sa máte ? - How are you (pl)?

Mám sa dobre. - (I) am good.

Aj ja. - Me too.

Ako sa voláte ? - What is your (pl) name?, literally What do you call yourself?

Volám sa .... - I am ... (lit. (I) call myself

Aké je vaše meno? - What is your (pl) name?

A  vy? - And you (pl)? 

In conversation:

Peter (he): Dobrý deň, ako sa máte? - Hello, how are you? Lucia (she) : Mám sa dobre. A vy? - I´m good. And you? Peter: Aj ja. Ako sa voláte? - Me too. What´s your name? Lucia: Volám sa Lucia a som študentka z Poľska. - I am Lucia (Lucy) and I´m a student from Polonia.  Peter: Ja som zo Slovenska a tiež som študent. - I am from Slovakia and I too am student. 

In conversation I translated it in phrases as Slovak has different syntax. For you to see it better, now I´ll translate it literally, from word to word and mark declining and “gendering”.

Peter: Good day, how are you? Lucia: I´m having a good (time). And you? Peter: Me too. What do you call yourself? Lucia: I call myself Lucia and (I) am a student from Polonia. Peter: I am from Slovakia and (I) too am student. 

Peter - typical male name in Slovakia. Pronounced  /Pεtεr/. Lucia - common female name. Pronounced /Lut͡si̯a/.

As I have already said, we like genders. You can see it in študent/študentka (student). Študent is used for guys and študentka for gals. I marked the genderising suffix (-ka) in the convo.  You can also see that Peter didn´t use “Slovensko” but “Slovenska”. That´s because of the declension. I am from... - Ja som z/zo... is 2nd grammatical case, genitive. Which means - Slovensko is nominative, Slovenska is genitive, Slovensku is dative and so on. We´ll get to it later.

Another thing. Slovaks don´t usually ask each other “How are you?”, unless they really mean it. That means you´d ask your friends, family, acquaintances and expected a sincere response, not just “I´m fine”. The only exception are elderly aunties that you´re sure you know form somewhere. Is she friends with your grandma? Did she babysit you? Is she your neighbor? And if you don´t know her. She knows  you. Especially if you live in village or small town. Aunties know everyone. So the small talk with her will look something like this: 

You: Good evening! Auntie: Oh hello darling, how are you? I heard your grandma has sprained her wrist, is it true? And how old are you? Where do you go to school? What year are you in? You know, my son went......*redacted for lenght* and then I met you! So, How are you? You: I´m fine, and you? Auntie: Oh, darling... *after 24635 things that hurt her in weather like this, all her genealogy, two recipes* Have a good day! *that grandma kiss on cheeks* and say hello to your family! At this point you´re just stunned a wave at her, while she goes off to the sunset. 

So, yeah. I didn´t get to informal conversation, but if you want, I can do it next time. Also, is it good like this? Did I explain it in a way, that you understand me? Should I continue?

Anyway, keep it up! 

[ofhowls]

WANTED CONNECTIONS ! below you’ll find a list of wanted connections, please fill them before i commit sewer-side. if you wanna talk, you wanna discuss – send me a message on discord ( jayden#7437 ) ! okay, that’s all.

alvarez, odette – quick summary: twenty-nine, cancer, has a daughter ( ava: played by lane ), engaged ( nicolas: played by pj ), is a florist because life’s a joke, kind of hot-headed, has a messy past we don’t talk about, would beat someone up 10/10, don’t test her, drives an ugly pick-up truck ( bella’s from twilight, don’t ask ) and owns a fluffy kitten named mango. 

plot one – mother: long story short, her mom was around 16 when she had her ( would now be in her mid 40′s ), was a prostitute who didn’t care and was all around a trash human being. odette moved into foster homes before she turned 6 and she was in and out of them throughout her entire childhood. when odette had ava, however, she moved back in. and their relationship turned messier real fast. she moved back out at eighteen and has been staying away from her mom ever since. her mom only ever contacts her for money, she’s that bitch. fc could be salma hayek, but any mexican fc in that age range is a1.

plot two – sister from another mister: odette lived on the street in her teens, often running away from foster homes because they were GROSS. i want someone from her past in sheffield. i really, really want their relationship to have been like them kiddos in the movie thirteen ( 2003 ), you know? like hella ride or die but also toxic af. fc doesn’t matter but white people are gross so a person of colour, mayhaps? they’d be either her age or older, and obviously a womf because she hates men.

* NEW ! plot three – butler: look, she’s marrying rich and i’ve already established that she’s best buds with the butler. he’s old, he’s nice, they’re just having a good time together. all that i know about him is … just that, cool! he’s worked with the talbots for ages so, you get like +3484 plots with this one. do it, i beg of you. jeremy irons is a snack and so is jeff goldblum. think about it. 

apolskis, julian – quick summary: twenty, leo, has had cancer come and go since he was 10, is a bit of an asshole, its a defence mechanism though, lost his leg a year ago, has a sister ( kitty: played by lane ), currently dating ( micah: played by patty ), is in a band, plays drums, has a deadbeat dad that his mom sends fake happy bday cards from. 

plot one – father: basically, back in the good old days ( about 11 years ago ), julian and his family lived in seattle. living their best life. and then, he got diagnosed with cancer. in came the bills and his father split. he’s been out of their lives ever since, not really giving a hot diddly darn about his son – or the rest of the family, not that i care about them. he’d be in his mid 40′s or older by now. any white male fc would work but hugh dancy is dear to me. 

* NEW ! plot two – hospital buddy: give me a friend for this motherfricker, okay? someone who might be sick, too. someone who’s been at the hospital with him, someone who knows that struggle of DYING. you feel me? this person can literally be 80 years old, i don’t care! as long as they’ve spent some time in care with my boy, maybe even roomed with him, it’s all good.

atkins, scarlett – quick summary: nineteen, gemini, mother’s a dead socialite, father is an alive asshole, used to smang her step-brother ( milo: played by pj ) before he ditched her, was kind of the queen bee before she ghosted on all her “friends” for a fancy college, got kicked out of said college for an adderall addiction, is now at rock bottom and forced to hang with the losers, super manipulative and selfish, kind of got a rough exterior. 

plot one – old friend: i really want someone who used to be friends with her either before she became miss popular or before they graduated. either way, she would’ve ditched them for bigger and better. i want beef, i want dramas – i want this bitch to suffer. before she hung with the it crowd she was a freaking mathlete, so don’t you forget it. honestly, cady heron is SHAKING. i say as i stole it from lindsay weir, whatever. she was also a cheerleader in her later years, if that helps. i’m very cliche. they’d be like nineteen, and preferably a womf but i’m not picky. 

* NEW ! plot two – father: all you gotta know about ray atkins, is that he’s garbage. he’s a rich bitch, the richest damn dude in town, and he cares approximately NOT AT ALL about his daughter. he’s constantly going back and forth between pushing her to achieve things and not acknowledging her presence. it’s a hard knock life. rape tw // there was also an instance where scout experienced assault at a party and he blamed her for drinking, so … not the nicest. on top of that, he doesn’t allow scout to speak french in the house ( her mother was french, uwu ), and that’s MEAN. anyways, any white/puerto rican man in his 40′s and up will work. 

baek, wolfgang – quick summary: thirty-five, capricorn, loves horror films and has made quite a few, dad is a famous director ( bigger in korea than the states ), has triplets because his dick is that powerful, went from mr. friend zone to mr. i’m sorry i gave you three babies at once, sort-of-dating ( ziba: played by patty ) really talkative and amazing, works at blockbuster because that’ll support a family, am i right, lads?

plot one – work pal: he’s at work a lot, ok? and he needs friends. it’s a win/win. i need someone for him to do stupid work stuff with, make working a fun experience! i want a squad like in chuck, you know? if you don’t know what i’m talking about then superstore, if you still don’t know what i’m talking about then why are you still here? age don’t matter but i would prefer if they were close in age. gender, who cares. bye.

plot two – partner in crime: basically, he makes a lot of indie flicks. he actually only moved to sheffield to work on a screenplay but… it’s been a while. i need someone who makes movies with him, though. a co-director or someone he keeps casting as the lead because bros, ok? once again, preferably close in age, gender doesn’t matter.

* NEW ! plot three – cousin: i mean, hewwo? most of his extended family is back in korea, but – but – i could imagine his aunt or uncle would’ve moved to the us shortly after his parents did. so, a cousin would be neat! someone his age, someone he can talk to about childhood stuff, someone who understands his unspoken rivalry with his father, someone to babysit his kids. they would’ve lived in florida after moving to the us, thirty and up and preferably a dude. i like dudes. but a woman would work as well. not to mention, half or fully korean!

bellefleur, kipling – quick summary: forty-eight, capricorn, born and raised in louisiana, has two kids he don’t know about ( lucia: played by britt, jude: played by patty ), a cop at the police station, lives alone with no pets because god hates him, got a partner ( elliot: played by lane ) but not in the gay way, unfortunately heterosexual, kinda grumpy, kinda just annoyingly white. 

* NEW ! plot one – hook-up: kip is a sexual being, believe it or not! and sometimes, a mans need a nut bust. he’s a great lover, i swear. but he’s not a great mans when it comes to the romantics. he does have two kids he don’t know of, after all. just give me someone he visits late at night, ignores in public and have fake deep convos with whilst sharing a cigarette in bed. really painting a picture here, aren’t i? unlike other fathers in this town, he has no interest in sleeping with someone his child’s age, so –– thirties and up!

cheung, beatrice – quick summary: twenty-five, aries, middle school teacher, a big fucking lesbian, dating ( kaylee: played by patty )super sociable and outgoing, literally loves partying and hanging out with the youths, self-proclaimed big sister to just about every teen out there, works part-time as a waitress at the diner, used to be engaged but we don’t talk about that, foster kid with no connection to blood-related family. 

plot one – coworker: someone at the diner! just someone to have her back, to gossip with, to hang out with after shifts, to just be gal pals with, you know? she needs more gal pals. i love throwing movie references in there, but – think whiplash with ellen page. that kind of aesthetic, that kinda shit. from mid to late twenties, a woman because i don’t care for men. 

plot two – pseudo-sibling: i want her to really play the big sister role with someone! have a little baby she can pass all her heaux wisdom down on. just a wee bean that she considers a little sibling of sorts. she could even house them for a bit since she’s back to living alone! they’d have to be in their teens and gender, once again, does not matter!

* NEW ! plot three – foster sibling: she already has like fifteen, so give her another. tris is probably the youngest among the bunch and owen ( played by fanny ) is somewhere in the middle. it’s just a nice jewish household that fostered a lot kids, cool? any fc, any ethnicity, any gender! just older than twenty-five, is all i’m asking. neat, thank you for coming to my ted talk. 

cowell, stefan – quick summary: twenty-nine, scorpio, construction worker, married ( lumen: played by pj ), got a little sister who he always fights with ( arella: played by kt, whenever she returns to us ), hates dogs, kind of a prick, a huge prick actually, sort of running from the law but like on the low-key, always 100% done with just about everyone’s shit. 

plot one – work buddy: like i said, he works construction. and i want him to have one friend. like a singular friend. someone to grab a beer with, someone who he doesn’t wanna strangle. it’ll be a miracle but it’s a miracle i deserve damnit. they’d have to be in their late twenties or older, a dude and any fc. 

plot two – neighbour: it sounds like a basic plot, but i promise you – it’s worth it! i want him to have a god damn family feud plot going on, okay? i want them to fight, i want neighbours ( 2013 ) as a plot on tumblr dot com. i want him to hate them and i want them to hate him. fc don’t matter! gender don’t matter! preferably around his age or older, though. 

halonen, oliver – quick summary: thirty, aquarius, part-time mechanic, part-time bartender ( think coyote ugly because that’s hot ), used to be engaged ( marty: played by tasha ), got a fake daughter ( pauline: played by pj ), has some slight drug issues she’s working out atm, also her dad’s back from the dead ( uriah: played by lane ), she’s super nice and cute and you should all love her sarcastic ass. 

plot one – work friend: i feel like i just want everyone to have coworkers, but listen… i genuinely just do. either someone that works as a mechanic alongside her or another bartender who sometimes uses their bod for tips, it’s all good. i want her to have one friend her own god damn age, you know? they’d have to be a gal because men are smelly. age would be around her own and that’s it!

plot two – dealer: listen… drugs come from somewhere. and even if she’s not currently using, i’d love for her to have that dynamic. maybe she owes them money, we can make it hella messy or we can make them chill pals, idc! i just need her dealer her and i need them to push some drugs. plus it’s a buy one get one for free type of deal ( see my plots for ed further down ). i want them to be a little older than herself but other than that it’s free for interpretation. 

* NEW ! plot three – drug bud: this bitch is from texas and this bitch did a lot of drugs in texas. she spent her early twenties high as fuck, overdosed at 24 and then got clean. legend? yes. she’s got a lot of good influences, aside from one particular asshole, and i just want her to be more pulled into old habits! let her have some friends from her old life of criminality and drugs come to sheffield and shake things up. any fc and gender, though they’d have to be in their 30′s!

hodgins, nathaniel – quick summary: twenty-one, gemini, works as chef at the pub, skipped college to help his mama with the bills, got a cutie-patootie golden retriever, dad is in prison after a drunk driving accident that killed a 10 year old, moved to sheffield a few years ago for a fresh start, a big ass home of sexual, has a crush on a comp het ( vince: played by pj ), loves his mother more than anything, only child, conceals trauma with humour and bad puns. 

* NEW ! plot one – ex-something: now, i’m not saying they dated. i’m saying they hooked up and it never lead anywhere. it can be angsty, it can be fine, it can be a garbage fire. we can work out the details whenever, i’m cool like that. any fc and any gender, though preferably in their early twenties!

holstad, damian – quick summary: eighteen, aries, the biggest fuccboi you’ve ever laid your eyes upon, fucked your girlfriend ( and he meant it ), brother to the biggest loser in town ( lou: played by tasha ), parties every weekend, best friends with the second biggest fuccboi in town ( artemus: played by nico ), kinda soft but he won't ever let you know that, has a crush on his brother’s bff ( pauline: played by pj ).

plot one – ex-girlfriend: it’s simply unrealistic that he hasn’t dated at least one of the fifty bazillion girls he’s smanged. now, it’s probable they didn’t last more than a few months but its still a plot I NEED. she’d be either a junior or senior in high school right now. so, either graduating now or next year. face claim don’t matter. it’s possible he cheated, he’s an asshole like that.

* NEW ! plot two – more fuccpeople: at this point, i’m collecting them. there are a bunch of fuccbois in damian’s life right now, and i need there to be more. there needs to be a whole fracking pack of them. just running around town, smanging ladies and taking names. could’ve played football with him, could’ve graduated with him, could’ve just lived next door – i dunno! around eighteen… a boy, or a girl! fuccgirls are VALID too. 

kinney, sawyer – quick summary: twenty, sagittarius, volunteers at animal shelter, studying to become a vet, loves animals more than she’ll ever love a man, has a rescued bunny named waffles, her parents died in a car-crash we don’t talk about it, has a younger brother ( grayson: played by patty ), soccer is her life, also wanna fuck the soccer coach ( elliot: played by lane ), her first ‘kiss’ was a dare at age 5 with her cousin ( holden: played by pj ) for an ice cream, did i mention she loves animals, takes virginities for charity, happened once but i demand its a thing now, boinking mr edgelord ( quentin: played by pj ).

plot one – team mates: soccer is cool! soccer is for champions! she’s currently the team captain of the local all-girls soccer team, i know – such a title. and i want her to have more of a team. so gather up your gals in their late teens to early twenties and kick some balls around!

plot two – ex-boyfriend: before she swiped virginities and had sex with boys who love serial killers, she probably had a steady boyfriend. kind of a puppy-love-they’ll-probably-get-married-straight-out-of-high-school relationship, you know? they probably broke up because they were way too young and it was more of an availability thing rather than genuine attachment. does that make sense? it’s a small town! their parents probably loved their child’s respective partner than they loved each other. 20-22, any boy of any fc i’m not picky.

* NEW ! plot three – enemy: it’s a hard plot to ask for, but i request you hear me out. she never fights with anyone. she’s SO NICE. a walking mary sue, i swear. and she’s just friends with everyone. it’s boring! give me someone that gets under her skin! someone for her to absolutely fucking hate! for no reason or for a reason, idk! around twenty-one, any gender.

larsen, margaret – quick summary: forty-two, libra, has one terrible son ( teddy: played by lane ), though she loves him more than anything, left the country because she was a hoe, mortician, got knocked up by her professor that one time, kind of boinking her son’s bandmate ( holden: played by pj ), doing her best all the time but keeps on making mistakes, the biggest mama-bear you’ll ever stumble upon. 

plot one – ex-hook-up: listen, she left the states to study in the uk – mostly to get away from her parents – but also because she had a bit of a reputation. like, a really bad one. so if you have a character, or want to play a character, that grew up in sheffield and are in their forties… wink wonk. that’s it. that’s the plot. 

* NEW ! plot two – hater, hater: peggy was a skank in her youth, okay? she was a downright slut and she probably rubbed a lot of people the wrong way. she most likely still does! so, i want some judgmental hoes up in this bitch. i want them to bicker and i want it to be very small-town-desperate-housewives-esque. any lady. preferably around her age range, would’ve lived in sheffield all her life.

* NEW ! plot three – best friend: peggy only ever speaks to kids, it’s weird. give her. bud, and like i said above… desperate housewives is a fucking neat ass show. they can drink wine and they can gossip and they can judge her for the people she’s sleeping with. or, well, person. any woman in her 40′s, please and thank.

mullin, casper – quick summary: fifteen, aries, fucking love aliens, the government is lying to y’all, has got a whole ass squad of friends, kinda gay for one of them ( eli: played by pj ), kinda intimidated by another ( ava: played by lane ), if it wasn't obvious he’s a gay, has a pupper that means the world to him, always investigates creepy shit because he is that white person.

plot one – disgraced nuclear physicist: you heard me. basically just the plot of back to the future. someone a bit ( a lot ) older than casper himself that kinda takes him under their wing. they’re as nutty as him when it comes to conspiracy theories, and maybe they feed his ideas and stuff when it comes to the shit going on in town. please and thank you. 

pearce, minoo – quick summary: twenty-one, aquarius, the biggest of edgelords, expert in stick n poke tattoos, hates her family, loves their big ass dog, a military brat, skated pretty much everywhere because she’s a walking cliche, not anymore though cause her bff broke it ( vince: played by pj ), invented grunge, would kill herself for the lead singer of zero boys, wants her mom to die ( rachel: played by lane ), wants the cop who's trying to get in her pants to die even more ( sera: played by tasha ), almost dropped out of high school fifty times but i forgot to make it canon. 

* NEW ! plot one – enemy: i love enemies. anyways, mj is a fucking bitch. she’s so edgy, she’s not like other girls, and she definitely would end up in a fight with just about anybody. there’s no way in HECK there aren’t people in town who hate her guts. they could’ve gone to college with her, they could’ve gone to high school with her, i dunno! i just want her to FIGHT. preferably a girl, preferably in her age range. 

oswalt, kevin – quick summary: nineteen, virgo, had the most tumultuous of childhoods involving both kidnapping and murder, she doesn’t talk about it, has sort-of-a-boyfriend ( jamie: played by pj ), and a definitely best friend ( pippa: played by lane ), currently living with her father ( dalton: played by britt ) without the knowledge that she’s his daughter, her life is messy, she likes books and writing, thinks sheffield is kinda fascinating, the biggest of nerds, kinda awkward but we forgive her. 

plot one – brother: we already have her father, mother ( marion: played by nesh ), and two sisters ( lila: played by luna, and hazel: played by fanny ), and now all that’s missing is the second youngest kid! he’d be like 21 years old, white with blue eyes because that’s a trait near and dear to us, and … a dude-bro. we have this hc that he’s in a band and kinda just does his own thing. free-spirit. also, to summarise the family history REAL QUICK – you can ask for more deets – kev got kidnapped, family fell apart, marion and dalton got divorced, the kids chose sides, markus ( the brother ) chose to stay neutral, they moved away while dalton stayed, and now they’re all back. 

plot two – study pal: not quite as in-depth as the one above, but! she needs a study pal. she’s currently attending the local college and she has zero friends who actually go to school. give me someone for her to work on stupid projects with, someone she’s forced to get to know and get out of her comfort zone with. they’d be 19-20 and fc/gender has no importance. 

sutton, eduardo – quick summary: fifty-two, taurus, literal fucking drug-lord, gang leader, owns the silhouette bar outside of town, loves his daughter a lot ( carmen: played by britt ), never smoked a weed in his life, jk, lost his wife a bazillion years ago, now banging the woman who failed save her ( lorelai: played by patty ), has three dogs which he kinda loves more than his daughter, killed a lot of mens in his life, just all around a good dude. 

plot one – brother: ed comes from an cuban-catholic family from new orleans and his father was kind of an asshole but his mom was alright. however, he was always closest to his little brother. so please, for the love of god, play him. you’ll get to play an uncle if you do, it’s pretty hot. any cuban fc in their late forties would work, but raul esparza is a hot fucking take. 

plot two – gang members: he’s a gang leader, ok? he needs more to lead. they hang out at the silhouette bar, push drugs through town and are all around just a good group of people. give me all of them to be honest. think the southside serpents from riverdale. or whatever they’re called in sons of anarchy. fc and gender and stuff don’t matter, however – ed would never allow someone under twenty-five. he’s a family man. 

talbot, mikhail – quick summary: thirty, pisces, the softest boy you’ll ever meet, a nurse at the local hospital, got a kid on the way, dating a ginger bitch ( liza: played by pj ), best friends with his cousin ( nic: also played by pj ), best friends with his ex ( emma: played by lane and not pj ) coaches the kids football team during his spare time, also works a couple of shifts at his father’s ( robert: played by luna ) hardware store, really just genuinely fucking nice, kinda depressed but you’d never know. 

plot one – high school friends: he’s lived in sheffield his whole life. he was on the football team, he was popular – he was a fun dude to hang with. it’s unrealistic none of his high school friends stuck around. so! give me a couple of those. they can be anybody as long as they’re around thirty years old.

plot two – kids to coach: self-explanatory, really. but if you want to play a kid on the football team, speak now or forever hold your peace. teens, boys probably because sports ball is sexist, just someone for him to coach and teach the way of sports ball life. 

weathers, elizabeth – quick summary: forty-two, sagittarius, freaking neurotic, forgets her own son ( eli: played by pj ), remembers her other every now and again ( jesse: played by nico ), wishes she could forget her husband ( andy: played by lane ), her bestest and smallest son was taken from her almost two years ago, yes this plot came before she was winona ryder don’t judge me, stay at home mom yet has no reason to stay at home.

* NEW ! plot one – emotional support: the woman lost her son, she needs like a mom support group on facebook. she needs someone who understands her loss. maybe someone who’s lost their own kid, obviously not to a giant bunny, but it’d still be kind of relatable. someone she can discuss her divorce plans with, you know? a woman in her forties, i’ll accept nothing else. 

[freshfromthegraveyard]

Bullying.

Super random.

As a kid who was bullied less by other students and more so by teachers.

I was bullied for my brain not matching my exterior. Being an embassy brat, when I came to the US for school I often was and still act like a foreigner in my own country. But I am a blonde white girl. So this was never well received. Not grasping certain things was seen as an act, or attention seeking. If I had the nerve to correct a teacher on something about a country I lived in. I was shot down in a publicly humiliating manor to ensure I knew my place. If I looked like someone from that country I gurantee they would have actually opened up the floor for me to discuss my homeland.

When I did start gaining weight due to an emotional trigger. I did still for some reason always maintain confidence in other areas. Like I knew I was getting chubby and fatter. But was like meh, whatever I'm still smart, funny and can draw. Heck I'm still a beast in PE. Running sucks but I can still do other shit. So I wasn't always picked last. I still had friends. If my weight was mocked I kind of got it and was like yah I did get fat but I can loose it. I was always active so it was never hard to lose a lil chub. Sadly I did go way past chub into super fat town and man losing that shit was hard and daunting. Still was the same me no matter what school I went to. Still made friends.

The only people I got super offended by when they made fun of my weight was the teachers. Because again, your an Adult picking on a kid. That is a low blow a cheap shot. Remarkably my bad grades have nothing to do with being fat. I don't go home and be like oh donuts well no time for school work. I will always have a learning disability, and a massive sleep disorder. Meds do help. I hate being one of THOSE people who fall under the excuses department but it is like night and day. It is not as simple as stfu and pay attention. I even got mad at myself thinking I was dumb because of this. Like yup, those honors classes you take now are just because of the meds. Your actually an idiot. Why do you take those AND a special class, why do you still take your tests in the library or have to read in total silence? Your dumb that's why! So I went off my meds to prove a point. The point wound up being my grades dropped and everything was so much more of a struggle. The stress was awful. It was the stupidest thing I could have done to myself. But just in case other generations feel that learning disabilities are cop outs. Please know. They aren't. Infact some people get tested for adult learning disabilities and it changes their lives.

Anyway, on back to bullying.

At one school, when I was first gaining the weight. I still had friends. I was still given the frog eye because of my white girl forgienerism, thankfully at that time I was in a private school and the teachers did not bully me about it because new flash private schools get military brats. Though I always had to write papers on countries I hadn't been to. Good call actually.

But here is the kicker. Though my bullying did not really start until public schools. Again I cannot stress enough that what was done by teachers was far more damaging then anything some kid could say.

I did, possibly unlike some bullied.

I always noticed who else was bullied.

I'm an odd lil bird in that, while I could be entirely self absorbed and be all about me. I remember who and why other kids for bullied.

I bet most people will think since I got bullied for being plump I only root for body positivity of the plump sort. You couldn't be more wrong.

The ONE person who had it the worst at the private school, was a tall lanky girl. She wanted the same thing all us girls wanted. To be like the cool girls at the time. She was thin due to her incredible metabolism, and her height, she was shy, and due to being made stand out, only getting shier. She was one of the first people I remember talking on my first day of school other then Rosemary a girl who just was genuinely cute and nice. I've yet to meet a Rosemary who wasn't. I get a whisper from a fellow student not to talk to this thin girl too much. I'm like.....why? Their like, well she's just kind of strange. I'm like, I'm new, so logically I'm gonna be the resident strange kid for a while. But how is she strange exactly. She just seems quite. Their like exactly. I'm like, 11 and confused af. I'm like, wait why is being quite weird in a bad way? Before I could spit most of that out the teacher agree on my suggestion of being quite. Being a embassy brat, I had NO probably striking up new convos with perfect strangers. Ie kids at a school I just met. Before the hell that was HS. I was anything BUT shy. When you move around a lot you need to make friends fast. That and I was born not giving a shit and thinking I was the shit. Before the weight gain I assure you I was cute as hell with attitude to spare. So I was not entirely wrong.

I didn't let this why is silent bad thing go. I still talked to this mysterious thin girl. I sat with her at lunch. Prior to that I kept asking why her just being quite was bad. They said it just made them uncomfortable. I did ask the obvious of did it ever occur to you guys that you treating her weird makes her silent. Their like no she came that way. I couldn't argue because a lot of these kids did know eachother since kindergarten so ya know. They maybe right even if it is wrong. In case you have not guessed. Being raised an only kid, overseas you have bennies of being treated like an adult and being more logical then a kid the same age. Hence why I sound more adult in this story cuz I always was even if I still enjoyed childish endeavors *Like I still do*

Here is the heart breaker. The thin girl at lunch enjoyed my company. I made her laugh a lot that day and got her talking *novel concept when you reach out to someone* at the end of lunch though. She said, this was nice but ya know you shouldn't really hang around me the other kids will black ball you. I'm like yeah, I don't care. She's like no, you should. I appreciate it, but another group has tried and the other kids make life hard on them. I'm like well I extra don't care. I said your kind of in luck. I don't stay at schools very long so by the time they do that to me I will probably be moving. Plus being the new kid I will be resident weirdo for a while. I can play dumb for a long time and befriend the black balled.

I told her which, I don't get why. I said, being shy is the last reason someone should be pushed aside. Granted it took me a few times to get you to talk BUT I gotcha damnit *swearing in Catholic school woot* *at a whisper less woot*

So I made friends, with the very group she spoke of who had made efforts to friend her. I also was friends with other groups. Including 2 class clowns, 2 twin black girls who too me for forever to realize they were twins. I had one jerk kid who ironically was a pretty chubby dude to be so judgy about me being a chubby chick. But I still was friends with thin girl be damned. Needed a book shared in class and no one would share with her. ME! And don't be fooled our one class clown never had a homework buddy because surprise ppl thought he couldn't be serious. ME! I think the funniest thing that happened at that school was rainy day recess where class was divided up for games. Started up with normal dictionary teams. Then Okay Megan is really good at this, let's pair her with the one person who isn't. Okay still really good at this both drawing and guessing. Let's make the team's be class vs Megan. It's only fair. Sorry it still amuses me. My one glory day.

Back to bullying.

Though at the private school, bullying was far minimal. and kids really had to be imaginative. Since we all wore uniforms. Kids had to be like, well they make us laugh, but he's probably not serious about his hw. Woo. Wow. Lame. She's too quite. So lame. She's too smart. All of these are so damn lame. And let's face it none are bad qualities. Sorry the kid finds hw boring and is a quick whit. You actually have to be smart to be fast in humor. She's quite. So she's reserved and actually nice if you reach out. Your only too smart if you can't use your book sense.

Now, public school. Girl was made fun of for being too thin, having the nerve to go through puberty *ie acne* and also was very shy, if not stand offish, not dressing nice enough. If anything, id say she tried to look her worst regardless of what students said. I could go on about warning signs this child had. My mom caught them instantly. Did the school? NO

Turns out she was being molested by her stepdad. Like, srsly. My mom met her once and got it. Oy. So sad. I have a lot of guilt for not being able to communicate better with her though.

Anyway, another girl, got made fun of for having big boobs which she hated especially during PE. I don't blame her.

Yet another girl made fun of for being too thin. She was petite and had all brothers. So she was small and mean.

Another girl was shaped more like a guy and strong. She excelled in some PE sports but still made fun of.

Guys, same deal. If they had curly hair that's a pain to style. Chubby but not good at sports. And idky other kids care if you are good at grades or not? Like, we all have the same hw if you can spell congrats. Some ppl have dyslexia so ya know kindly fuck off.

Why does a grade make you popular or not?

It's odd to me. It's like, you need to get good grades but not TOO GOOD cuz then your too smart and it's also weird. Public school bullying. Lawd have mercy. Talk about a new level of awful.

Again, I was attacked publically by teachers. Who decided I was infact fat and stupid and somehow cheating at art?

I had art taken away from me as it was a distraction. Since I was bad at reading out loud all of my work was to be delivered in this fashion. I corrected a teacher on some foreign affairs, as he got locations, pronunciation, law, and well just a fucking lot wrong about a country I lived in for so long. I held myself back on so much but it was like he was getting everything confused with an entirely different country. For one thing he was still mentioning a city by it's old name. Like omg update

your book man!!! When I finally sad something he blew a stack and made sure everyone in the class was aware of how fat and ignorant I was.

When I told my parents. Boy did they come undone. At the parent teacher conference this same teacher said "if Megan would put down the donuts and study this wouldn't be an issue" yah my dad pinned him to a wall by his neck. Mind you this was after he had already

Made repeated digs at me, my family, and pretty much anything we could stand for. My parents also made the argument that if a student was a concert pianist or a ballet dancer. Would they take away their craft? No. So why take away my art? Both piano and ballet are considered art. Needless to say this battle of the teachers vs parents and all the horrible things they said and did was not over. Two shrinks were involved, and the state was called in. Their shrink and our shrink. The shrinks wound up agreeing and asked the state to come in for a learning disability test. Hence me first getting diagnosed. The shrinks also needed the teachers to understand something. They brought my mom in, since the one teacher now feared my father *not that my mom couldn't take him* the teachers sat down, the shrinks showed them pics of me thin and active and the dates. They show me chubby then thin again due to being an active kid. They then ask when my recent weight gain started. My mom didn't even hesitate she just took off her wig from cancer to reveal her bald head and said about when this happened. She said she was studying to finalize some culinary school work at a local college. She said she knows her daughter felt food was an emotional way to be close to her. My shrink said. Sometimes fat is better then too thin. You can lose fat. You can't undo the damages of too thin if bulimia sets in.

So you'd think the teachers would back off. Ha. No. That one male teacher persisted that everyone has problems and I needed to suck it up. I was now all of 12. He loved making fun of me. I also noticed, though I was his favorite to pick on. I was not alone. He hated anyone who could not read out loud flawlessly. He hated anyone who was not athletic and bragged about his triathlons to this day I get an eye tick around the word. Friend of mine was a solid A student. Read flawlessly outloud. But guess what she had some small kid pudge on her. The second her history teacher went into his class. There goes her straight As. She got a B- in his class. Never on tests with multiple choice, just written work and general performance. Ya know subjective stuff. Not shady at all. Mom got wind and had enough. She sat in his class one day. In my friends class no less. Not mine on purpose. She sat their and made fun of him the way he did us. She's like hey kids, I know this guy makes fun of all the students. Let's make fun of him the same way. Isn't he kind of short? Like really short. I met his wife, he must use a step ladder to kiss her. He's also bald. Notice how he only keeps pictures of himself in tight triathlon clothes or old pics with long hair. Think he's compensating for something?? Who keeps pics of themselves on their desk!?! My husband has his family. Self centered much?

And what's with those triathlons anyway?

We notice you hate fatties. Were you a fatty? Do you run from calories? Did a fatty break your heart? What is it? Why do you hate them So? She's like, actually, it doesn't matter. Whatever your problem is it should not be taken out on children. My mom continued. She's like, ya know why he picks on you kids. One your the only people smaller then him. Two he is to cowardly to stand up to other adults. My husband pinned him against a wall and his eyes nearly popped out of his head from terror. Yeah. All talk this little fart. He obviously was livid talking over her saying she can't do this, he's calling the cops for trespassing.

Apparently when she opened the room up to the kids to pick at him they had a bunch of weird shit they noticed he does. One kid said he's just jealous because everyone likes his wife as a teacher better. That's why he made her stay home with the kids or keep having a kid. She's like everyone liked her? Whole room was like best teacher award every year!

Lol this dude didn't speak for days he was just fuming. It got better when, guess what my mom met his wife and put on her best cute, sweet innocent lady routine. I remember walking to our truck, douche teacher behind me. *cuz of course I had to stay after in his class for some kind of punishment*

His wife was all smiles at my mom, looked over at him with such a look. My mom had an evil smile looking at him like. Checkmate mother fucker. I sat in the truck, waiting for her. Dressed daper. Smiling. She sets behind the wheel, we drive off. She's like well we tried the proper channels first. He made me play dirty but I assure you the war is over.

So, turns out, his wife was a loved teacher BECAUSE she had a lot of patience for her students and taught both standard and kids with learning disabilities. So to say she was understanding is an understatement. I mean, my mom didn't know this when speaking to her. It was actually a whim, when she saw her while waiting to pick me up and just got to talking.

Anyway, the point of this INSANELY long post.

Is as a kid that was not so much bullied by peers as much as by teachers. I also was not always bullied about my weight as much as just being considered an attention seeking liar THEN my intelligence and weight was thrown in for extra damage.

It is true, the book by its cover. I am still a foreigner in a American white girl body. I still have some wires crossed. I still don't know all customs or referrences. My spelling is bad. My accent isnt. Family was 2 people. My perspective is Global. Africa, Asia, an American Farm is my background.

Bullying, just cuz I got fat. Doesn't mean I didn't see the people who got made fun of for being too thin. Before I stopped struggling in school. I noticed kids got bullied for their grades. As if the school and parents are not going to add enough pressure. If you have a talent that is not a sport or a musical instrument. You are not of value. Which is funny in a society that worships actors and models. All of whom rarely look a thin like they look like now in school.

There have been a lot of school shootings over the years. I remember when Columbine happened.

Remember early on in my status of the thin girl? Regardless of people telling me again and again that I would be some social pyria for being nice to her. I still did it. Over and over. I did more to make myself look stupid then she ever could have. Nothing ever happened to me because of her. Even if it had. I wouldn't have cared. Because I had a friend in her. We would at least be weirdos together was my logic.

If you make the effort. More then once. Because some shells are really hard to crack. Because some people have been hurt a lot. At least you tried. In COLLEGE none the less. My roommate and I met quite possibly the most socially awkward creature alive. We tried repeatedly to make friends or at least make peace with this creature. To no damn ivale. Senior yr this person asked me why no one likes them. I told them that wasn't fair because we all have made efforts to involve them in groups, shinnangans, hang out, we even through JUST them a birthday party. We have all made the effort. It's a two way street. I said basically you want friends like robots. You want us to turn on when you want us and power down in an instant when you are done with us and offer nothing in return. You also cannot be rude to ppl and expect forgiveness when there is really no foundation or trust built. We can say honest things because we know that friend is a friend and is sincere and cares for our best interest. You tend to think blurting out something offensive saying no offensive it's just my opinion and smiling is some how okay. It's just awkward.

So in that particular occassion. 4 years. My friend and I, as well as others. Genuinely tried to make friends or something with this person. Some people just want or view friendship differently. They may find a perfect fit later who is not you. But DAMNIT you tried. With bullying I just want people to reach out.

And if you see someone IN THE PROCESS of being bullied. Get off your ass and intervene.

Believe it or not, confusion is a great tactic.

Say 3 ppl are picking on a kid at lunch in your school. You could approach and interupt. You do not have to get personal. If they pick on you next. Point that out. Like what tools they are that that is all they can do. Bring friends over to help break it up. Honestly when I say confusion is a great weapon I mean it. Make up gibberish and start talking like that. Speak another language the bullies won't know. Anything that will just frustrate them and make them leave. Essentially your goal is to not engage with them, be as annoying as possible and make them leave. Another strategy is to be as agreeable as possible, so sickeningly friendly that they also lose their momentum. Gauge your situation, the energy and see which would work best. They sound absurd but diffusing a situation is far better.

The key is, don't sit by and let someone suffer.

Don't join in. Also guess what. As juicey and fun as gossip seems especially in school. Guess what, it's usually lies and incredibly harmful. If you partake you are an accessory to bullying. Shocking I know.

Learning how stop gossip in it's tracks when you are young is a great life lesson.

Sadly you will run into gossip at all stages of life. So stopping it, ...as best you can. When your young. Can safe a life!

The thing about gossip. If people don't have good dirt on someone, they will make shit up. Movies like Mean Girls and Easy A point this out. I've heard gossip about myself or friends and some is almost laughable how ridiculous it is. But going up to someone and being like hey is it true this that or the other. Or treating them different all of a sudden. As if we also don't hear the whispers.

Gossip is just a form of bullying. So think about it as being an accessory to a crime. It is equally as serious. Like a crime, you have the power to stop it.

So many people talk of the mass shootings, what about the kids who are as young as 8 taking their own lives due to bullying.

I really cannot stress enough, to please, if you see someone being bullied. Help that victim in the moment. Step in, bring back up. Be confusing. Be nice. Be whatever it takes to save a life or lives.

Also it is clear the bullying is caused from something. Usually bullies are being bullied themselves or have some sort of problem.

I remember reading one story of a bully who came unhinged over the smallest thing. Would lie in wait and actually burned another child with scalding hot water. Now that story was a case for mental illness. Which brings me to a situation. If a person is a bully and being bullied by someone else. Like another sibling, a parent, or so forth. That is rough because really not everyone can afford counseling which is what that would require. Next if someone is displaying violence due to a mental illness that too would require counseling, psychiatric and possibly medication down the road. All expensive.

It's not fair that mental healthcare of any kind is a luxury. When no one chooses to have mental health issues. Most insurance companies only allow so many visits. Not nearly enough to scratch the surface of a garden much less the human mind. Plus if medication was involved, that is such an arguous process. Any mental health medication is a huge battle of trial and error and all medications take a while to get into your system. For one to be properly judged for mental health, has to be in your system long enough for you to have had your moods elevated. Essentially were you challenged at all in 6 months time? Did you have a reason to get angry, or be depressed. Anything to trigger mood swings to see how the medication altered your brains reaction.

I mean damn. That is a lot to wait for, and rarely does the first shoe fit.

After working in a local ER. I realized how sad, and how many holes are in our health care system. How long people have to wait to see anyone. How long for a room to become available. How short your treatment is.

At the same turn. When you come across none feeling bullies. The type they tell young kids to kill themselves. That hound them every day and night. Stalk them on any outlet they can find. Because they have nothing better to do then bring one person misery. When do they become accountable?

I do believe some bullies need help to stop the cycle. I also believe some have shown signs that they live a charmed life, are not bullied themselves and show no signs of a mental illness. They have admitted to just being board. *maybe the mental illness is in the path family ;>_>*

Anyway, for those few bullies that qualify. I just wonder if they should be held accountable for say a wrongful death. If the person they taunted or catfished killed themselves.

I often think that because bullying has no consequences that that is why it continues.

That if it had something truly scary to face. Maybe then kids would cut the shit.

We all know, those who have been bullied. That if you talk to an authority figure. Absolutely NOTHING happens. You still get bullied.

ladies. Hahaha isn't that rich?

And what of those rare occasions where those teachers where beaten by students on a gang like scene? What then?

Or in reverse in my situation? Where I was bullied for the majority of my life BY the faculty. Who do I turn to in a school and say, your staff is picking on me?

My last job had a bullying situation.

It was unbelievable to watch unfold. It wasn't even in my department per say. In the employee handbook it said they took bullying seriously. They had a senior staff member who was a out of control bully. She had great work history, but I guess her head got too big. She bullied everyone something awful and they lost countless people due to it. Here's the thing, while she did EVENTUALLY get fired for bullying. It took a while. A lot of new employees where very honest about why they were leaving. Many current employees made it known that all the reasons things never progressed or moral was low was bullying. Apparently this was brought up in staff meetings but went no where. It finally came to a head when they got a new boss on the floor, and a long time employee moved from one department down to that one. I guess her statement was more believable then that of new employees saying I'm leaving because I was bullying.

The thing that bothers me is. A why would a new employee lie? A new employee wants to fit in. They want to do there best. They have to learn the motion of the ocean real quick. They wanted that job. I doubt they wanted to leave that job so quickly. For one it never looks good on a resume. Do you know how defeating it is to be bullied that bad into leaving?

That is why I find it sad they did not listen to the previous statements. I understand that for a bullying case to stick. I guess they needed plenty of evidence. I know they certainly had it.

But in the case of schools. A friend of mine teachers whee toddlers. From babies to 3yr olds. And she has told me how early they start bullying.

Back to my statement on whether it's mental illness, they are being bullied elsewhere or if nothing at all is wrong. Are factors. Because listening to her. She has seen all three that young already and it's like wow if you can catch it that early. Again we could save lives on both sides of the situation.

Sorry random memory lane. Coupled with some random thoughts about current events.

[dollhandinfection]

questions 1-65 (;

OMG THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SENDING ME ALL THE ASKS AHH ^-^

1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you?: I mean more than likely we’re all just in a simulation so… reality is tho I definitely doubt my own existence before I doubt anyone else’s 

2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you?: I’m not afraid of the dark, I am afraid of what lies in the dark. 5

3. The person you would never want to meet?: Donald Trump

4. What is your favorite word?: serendipity 

5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be?: Willow tree for sure 

6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought?: holy fuck I did not sleep 

7. What shirt are you wearing?: it’s a crop top that says “I

8. What do you label yourself as?: a human being I guess?

9. Bright room or dark room?: dark room 

10. What were you doing at midnight last night?: umm I think I was being emo and making tik tok videos lol 

11. Favorite age you’ve been so far?: 21 

12. Who told you they loved you last?: my mom 

13. Your worst enemy?: myself, I tend to ruin everything 

14. What is your current desktop picture?: it’s a professional Halloween picture of my ratties Piglet and Igor 

15. Do you like someone?: ha yea 

16. The last song you listened to?: right now I’m listening to Skyscrapers by Lil Peep

17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?: I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I was the cause of someone’s death, no matter who they are

18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?: Erin if she were a boy 

19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do?: Davey Havok and I would make him explain in length every intentional meaning of every song he has ever written 

20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional): uh I have weirdly almost identical thumbs, besides that my tattoos are pretty tight 

21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do?: been there done that ain’t goin back homie 

22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it?: I can say the alphabet backwards really fast 

23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of?: stairs. well like I guess I’m not afraid of them, I just have to walk really really slow up and down them and I have to stare at my feet the entire time or else I will fall

24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal: oh fuck, portobello mushroom burgers are pretty fuckin tight 

25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it?: I’m spending it on weed bro 

26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go?: New Zealand, tho it would be scary as shit to go to another country by myself lol 

27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out… so what’s it gonna be?: uhhhhh svedka vodka isn’t bad I guess? like I usually don’t throw up when I drink that lol. but honestly I love pineapple flavored alcohol, it tastes like candy 

28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?: no heteros 

29. What is your favorite expletive?: bitch 

30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno?: Uni my stuffed unicorn that I’ve had since I was 6 

31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?: oh god just one? if I could take back ever meeting Valencia that’d be nice I guess 

32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world!: New Zealand or Ireland yo 

33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?: Jessica of course, she deserved the chance to grow up 

34. What was your last dream about?: I was on a bus with my cousin and a big white dog. oh also @dirt-goth was there 

35. Are you a good….[insert anything you’d like here]?: I’m a good listener 

36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital?: yea I had to go to the hospital a couple months ago because of an accidental overdose, and then I had to go right back because I got pneumonia 

37. Have you ever built a snowman?: I have no memory of doing so, but I have been in a snowball fight before 

38. What is the color of your socks?: I ain’t got no socks on, free the toes 

39. What type of music do you like?: I like a variety of music, if it slaps it slaps 

40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?: sunrises. there’s just something about how quiet everything starts out, how still everything is, and then it’s alive again

41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor?: strawberry for sure 

42. What football team do you support? (I will answer in terms of American football as well as soccer): I only know of the Chiefs lmao 

43. Do you have any scars?: yeeeep 

44. What do you want to be when you graduate?: I didn’t graduate, but I think it would be cool to be a photographer or a professional piercer 

45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?: I want a dick yo 

46. Are you reliable?: I would say so yes 

47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be?: will anyone ever actually fall in love with me?

48. Do you hold grudges?: I try not to, I mean I definitely am bitter about some things. But I’ve really been trying hard to better myself this year, and I think a big part of that is letting shit go yaknow 

49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create?: I ain’t fuckin with nature bro 

50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had?: I have had, so many. I guess the last weird convo I had was with my friend Katie when I told her that if she ever needed someone to take high quality feet pics of her so she could sell them that I got her lmao 

51. Are you a good liar?: I’m a good actor, but liar I think not. At least not anymore, through the years of lying every single day, I just gave up. Because even if people know how much pain you are in, they still really don’t care so what’s the point in lying

52. How long could you go without talking?: a long ass fuckin time. I haven’t said anything out loud today or messaged anyone yet

53. What has been you worst haircut/style?: the fucking Beatles bob jesus christ

54. Have you ever baked your own cake?: hell no I burnt fuckin pizza rolls once

55. Can you do any accents other than your own?: not for long really, I do a weird Russian accent when I’m trying to be funny?

56. What do you like on your toast?: I love peanut butter

57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of?: uh, me gettin fucked by this one dude in a car lmaoo

58. What would be you dream car?: hippie van or cool ass school bus 

59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain: I don’t sing in the shower, I used to when I was a kid but not anymore. I just have my speaker playing music. Sometimes I will turn the shower on and sit down like I’m sitting in the rain

60. Do you believe in aliens?: it would be incredibly ignorant not to tbh 

61. Do you often read your horoscope?: sometimes, it tends to be relevant when I do 

62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet?: D

64. What do you think about babies?: I love all my siblings, and like other people’s babies are cute and stuff. When they get past that weird old man potato lookin phase of course. But there ain’t no way in fuck I’m ever having a baby. I’m adopting a kid, I don’t ever want to walk in on my baby one day covered in shit smearing the walls ya feel (babies do this more often than you would think)

65. Freebie! Ask anything interesting you can think of: hmmm, how long have you been sober for? I’ve been sober from coke since Halloween of 2018 and from Xanax since December 2nd of 2018

[sapphirethesexyone]

I finally snapped. It’s obvious to Me from the text messages, inboxes on Facebook and an embarrassing Facebook live video. I’m not sure exactly what’s been going on with Me the last few days but I do know I checked out at some point.

 I’ve had a rough week, but I’d be lying if I didn’t add that I’ve had a really rough month. As I announced multiple times over the last few weeks, not only am I going through a life transition but it’s been a rough month.

 I think I thought that I was fine without a regular therapist and this last episode has made Me realize that just isn’t true. For the last 3 months, I have been out of therapy for the first time since 2009. I don’t think I’m ready to be on My own. In fact, just before I broke down Thursday, My son’s mentor suggested that I seek therapy again.

 I know the people who view My life through My blogs and social media can’t even begin to understand how complicated and LONELY My life is. When you suffer major mental illness, having close friends and confidants isn’t generally easy. Even the most patient person will eventually tire of tiptoeing around you and putting their own feelings aside to think of yours and not “setting you off.”

 I’m at that place now with My only close friend. Reality is, we stopped being CLOSE friends quite some time ago. Around that time, My actual best friend of 15 years, got sick and slipped into a coma. I was devastated. My best friend was not only My friend, but My family and as a minister, was often the person I turned to for advice. He filled a role that had never been filled in My life before. He was like a parent, best friend and confidant.

 Without him, My life has been up and down and in constant turmoil. There was a fan who I had spent a lot of time with, he started to do so much for Me. I started to help him upgrade his life and we got closer. Over time, we spent too much time together, and I tried to end the relationship but he hasn’t wanted to it. It’s non-sexual but we argue like we’re a married couple.

 Within the last 2 weeks he has pushed every button I have. You’d think, being as though he is My only close friend and knows the other things I’m dealing with he’d keep his bullshit to himself but he hasn’t. I told him this Monday that after July I need space. This weekend is the first weekend we haven’t spent together in months and I NEEDED the peace.

 The school year just ended, My son failed every single class and ends the year with over 70 missing days. My son spent this school year in therapy, after school programs, a mentoring program and for 6 weeks, attended mental health therapy 3 hours a day, 5 days a week. Thursday, before I had My breakdown, I enrolled him in a 3-month drug monitoring and treatment program for youth.

 My son stays at My parents’ house 95% of the time, which wouldn’t bother Me in the least bit if My parents and I can get to a point where we can be on the same page about My son. My step mother hasn’t liked Me since I was a child and as much as she says she loves My son, she can’t hide her disdain for Me enough to help Me raise My son without a bunch of bullshit.

 I can admit there was a time when I may have not been the best parent, that was OVER 8 years ago, when I was in the thick of My illness. At a point, My mental illness was out of control. For the last near 8 years, I have been extremely lucid, mentally balanced and able to run My day to day life. On top of that, I have been 100% there for My son. Not only do I financially support My son, but I am the one who goes to every school  appointment, every therapist appointment, every program My son is in, I have set it up and attended every meeting.

 My father and stepmother want to pretend there is nothing wrong with My son, that there isn’t a history of mental illness in the family. Guess what, I’m mentally ill, My mom was and I’m damn near sure  My grandmother wasn’t right. My son claims to hear voices, be angry and he cuts himself for attention. There’s a hell of a lot more but you can’t look at these things and pretend there’s nothing wrong.

 I can’t even get that bitch of a step mom of Mine to answer the fucking phone when people are trying to call and make sure My son has all the resources he needs. Earlier this week, we hit a standstill that I’m not sure we will ever recover from.

 By the end of the conversation, I knew that before the summer is over I need to remove My son from their home. It’s easier than it seems and I think they forget. I have custody of My son, I pay for My son to stay there and I am his legal guardian and representative. It’s as simple as me saying pack your shit, you coming home and if anyone disagrees, pulling up with a police escort. They can’t hold My son hostage.

 She knows I plan to send My son to job corps, though I did suggest one local school. She asked Me to consider another local school knowing damn well that her son-in-law, who is the principal at the school, slept with her daughter before her daughter turned 18. She knows damn well that is called statutory rape and it’s even further a crime because at the time he held a position of power over her.

 I can’t send My son to a school with a child predator as the principal, even if he is family. Yes, I know he won’t harm My son, but I know his integrity level is so low that he won’t be a beneficial addition to My son educational life. If he were, as an uncle he would have stepped in to help with homework, school work modifying behavior etc. but he has not. In fact, My step brother, who is older than Me, was one of My brother in law’s students. The step brother who has never had a job outside of working for a mechanic, who has never lived anywhere but at home and with whatever woman will have him. He destroys the already stable lives of each woman he comes in contact with, an then moves her and her family back in to My parents’ home.

 Thursday, I had originally planned to have a rest day. I had invited a girl who lives around the corner from Me to hang out.  At 7:20 p.m. on Wednesday night, My son’s mentor called and asked Me to meet him Thursday to take My son to the drug treatment program. I just had the address and not necessarily where it was so google maps told Me the most ridiculous way to get there. I caught 2 trains and 2 buses Thursday to get to where they wanted me to meet.

 My son this ungrateful little asshole, has the audacity to come in My presence and not speak after he has made me lay into him Monday for not calling Me ack after I had been trying to reach him for days. I did not raise a disrespectful child and the level of disrespect that he has recently displayed causes Me to want to hit him in the mouth.

 There is no way My stepmom can pretend that he is not mimicking what he thinks he sees her doing, ignoring My calls and wishes for My child. I signed him up to be piss tested weekly fo the next three months and had a convo with his mentor while My son was doing an assessment.  I told the mentor how I feel about the lack of communication and respect involving My parents and child and that he IS coming out. Job corps is the only option I see as feasible for Me not worrying about the state of My child from day to day.

 At least at job cops he has access to programs and education that can get him somewhere in life. The bonus is not having to fight the people at Job Corps about what’s best for My own damn child. Even if he wants to continue his disrespect and all the bullshit he got going on, as least he’d be off the city streets.

 Last week there were over 20 shooting in Baltimore, last week, 4 young Black kids assaulted someone downtown. Kids are killing each other every day. The city is out of control. We have had more murders this year than Chicago. I can actually call My step mom and she tell Me that My son is out of the house but she doesn’t know where he is. My son is a minor, even if he lies about his destination, you don’t let Me damn child out the house without questioning where the fuck he is going.

 We are truly at a place that I can’t feel safe and secure with My son in My parent’s care. I’d rather send him out in the wood with strangers. My last verbal conversation with My step mother ended with her cussing Me, dropping F Bombs and she has not apologized yet. This morning I resent a message that My alter must have sent her yesterday. The message stated I would be picking My son up for a week the first week of July .

 She ignored it. I found it in texts today and sent it back to her again with a message that I would send it every day until she replied. She did. The fact that we have to play these kinds of games is the deciding factor that he will be out of there this summer. His mentor doesn’t think it’s a great idea because Of My son’s anxiety. My son is like Me though, he adapts well, My stepmother is the one putting this negativity in him.

 Right now, for the first time in My son’s life, I am doing something that I truly feel is not in My son’s best interest. It’s out of My character to not do My best by him. For the last two years, My son has been attending a summer writing and performance program. I love it for him and was excited to sign him up again. I and one of the women from his after school program, went through the full process of getting son set up in the program. The acceptance letter and information of start date always come to the house.

 My son should be starting the program soon but I haven’t heard one word about it. In fact, I saw the women who runs the program saying that there are still open slots for the program. I didn’t ask was My son secured in the program. I scrolled past her post as if I didn’t have a care in the world. When My son’s mentor asked Me about his summer program, I told him I wasn’t following up. If My stepmom wants to run plays around Me, then she needs to handle that shit too.

 She never does, she cooks cleans and washes his clothes but can’t be bothered to worry about his education, his therapy, or any doctor appointment outside of his general shit. Even when My son was rushed to mental ward in ambulance, she wasn’t there. The week of Mother’s day this year, My son  said that I’ve never been a mom before and he doesn’t need one now. Normally I’d ignore him and go above and beyond like usual.

 Not this time. I am not taking one step towards his summer program. His phone is not working. I refuse to make one call to fix it. He is broke, and his father just started paying child support. I will not put a penny in his pocket. I will financially support him as always, these next few months until I yank him out.

 I truly think and hope I’m wrong, that the reason that My step mom is fighting him going to job corps, has more to do with the money that won’t be coming in monthly, than My son being away from her. I mean hell, it’s job corps, not prison. He even gets to come home on weekends. When he comes home on weekends, it will be here to My home, not theirs.

 Thursday, when I left the youth drug treatment center, My plan was to call the Job corps office and schedule a meeting for the first or second weekend of July. Losing My mind Thursday kept Me from following up and making that call. I won’t mention My plans to the mentor or stepmom again. I have been courteous enough to include My parents in My decisions for my son though, they have no legal rights to know. That’s dead. The day I pick him up for job corps will be just like when I show up the first week of July.

 I will simply tell him to pack a bag for a week or two, and take him. After he is securely out at job corps, I will call them and tell them. Then arrange to pick up more of his clothes and personal items.

 I’m mentally, physically and emotionally drained. I am fighting life from every angle and am extremely tired. Every day is a battle. I keep trying to do so much. I really need a break. I think I’m going to take one around My birthday. I have this book to release on the 31st of next month. I wish I could relax though. After the book release, I would love to take a break. I only have one speaking gig lined up for August and it’s near the end.

 I think what’s in My best interest is to push through the rest of this month and July. To work really hard and start editing the book right away, as of now, there are only 2 essays still due in. I can edit and have the book finish early July. I can put it online early for pre-order and then put the ebook on amazon for preorder. By July 31st I can just hit the buttons to switch it over to on sale release pre done promo shit and then after 2 days of heavy promo, put most of it on auto pilot via hoostuite. I can run facebook and Instagram ads to sell while I relax.

 I think that’s what I’ll do. I will spend the rest of this month finishing book up instead of waiting until July. I will do all promo shit and set it up to release all July and into first week of August. Then take a break and not resurface until a week before My speaking engagement to do promotions on it. Just saying that alone to Myself, makes Me feel better.

 I can’t keep going like a robot, I’ve been on autopilot for so long it seems. The July 31st book release, will be the 3rd book I’ve released since April. Three books in four months, while handling other projects would be too much for any one. Doing all of this while running to meeting after meeting for your out of control child, fighting with your one friend, who is also your biggest contributor AND being legally crazy, can make you homicidal.

 I am legally disabled because the law recognizes that all of this is too much for Me to be doing. The fact that I am overworking Myself like this is unacceptable. Life and My schedule has to change, It’s time to get back to My daily yoga, going back to the gym, enjoying nature and writing. I have been working so much I haven’t been writing. I haven’t written anything for Myself, I have barely even written anything for My blogs.

 I haven’t had any “Me time” but I’m going to take it. I have felt disrespected by everyone around me lately, I’m changing My circle. I am in a place I can’t deal with another 18 months of My son in My parent’s home until he’s legal. I’m pulling him out. I am taking full control of My life, the people in it and the situations that are affecting Me.

 I refuse to keep putting My feelings aside, nor My mental health in the attempt to make others happy. I won’t even do it under the guise of what’s best for My son any more. My son is damn near grown. Soon, he will be legal and on his own, then he and his grandmother can do whatever they want.

 For the first time in My life, I’m going to do whatever feels best for Me, even if that means sending my son away. I wish he had a real father I could send him to, but I can’t send him to that loser. Job corps is better than where he is now, they’ll allow him to spend another 4 years in high school if he wants.

 My God, I must need a therapist. 3,000 words just poured out of Me before I felt relief. I just need to change My whole life. It’s nothing wrong with that, I do it every August for My birthday. Luckily for Me, this year I’m in a better position than ever and My son will be 18 in 18 months I am damn near free. I can’t wait to get free, when he’s 18 I’m finally going to have what I’ve dreamed of so long, My freedom from this place.

 I’m getting the fuck out of Baltimore and away from  all the crazy ass people.

[punkscowardschampions]

Flat Whites & JJ

Mia: Mum can take four of us, so three of you are still going to need to find your way there, Dad's away on a Golf weekend 🤷 Grace: I'll ask if any of the fam can take the rest of us 🤞💜 Mia: Aw, thanks so much, babe Mia: so you're cool not coming with us then? Grace: there's like 1000s of them so 🤷🙄 someone'll will totally be talked or bribed into doing it 💅 Grace: oh yeah sure, it's like not even a problem, babes Mia: 😂😂😂 for real, got to have some upsides, yeah? Mia: Great 💗 Mia: the rest of you, you can only bring what you can hold on your laps, Dad took the range so we're in the sports, the boot is like non-existent 💁🙄 Grace: ugh IKR?! 😂😂😂 Grace: at least we can take SO MUCH of the stuff whoever's behind the wheel, you're so welcome huns Mia: Love a helpful queen Mia: Asia, are you even coming with us or are you going to ditch us for your boyfriend, again 💅 Asia: Of course I'm coming!!! Asia: Literally just got my hair done 👌👌✂ Asia: [and a million pics that nobody asked for] Jimmy: 😍😍😍😍😍 Grace: WOW! SO CUTE Mia: Yeah, but are you coming with us or coming with us like Maya's party where you left SO early with him instead of having a good time with your besties Ella: 😏🍵 Hollie: wasn't so early she didn't have a good time with ME tho! 💃💘 views to prove it Asia: UM like isn't it LAW that what happens at parties stays there?! 🤫🤫 Asia: & he doesn't even wanna come with soooooooo Jimmy: 💔 Ella: Oh, so we're your 2nd choice? 🤔🤔 Mia: 💔 is right, so rude Asia: ???!! Asia: not even Mia: We all heard you, you can't deny it Mia: at least own it, babe, omg Asia: you asked if he was coming?? Mia: Literally no one is concerned about him but you 😂 Mia: shame he's not, I might need your seat, actually Mia: but that's cool, yeah? seeing as you've got so many options Asia: ?????????? Mia: 🤫🤫 Grace: Why might you need her seat though? Spill on who you're trying to bring, thank you Mia: I'm not trying to make this convo all about me Mia: so cringe Mia: we're meant to be planning, thank you Jimmy: Go on, we're obvs all DYING to know Mia: Have to wait and 👀 Mia: be a nice surprise for you all Janis: How will we ever bear the suspense? Jimmy: there's only one of you who's getting mouth to mouth if you stop breathing, soz Janis: Things are looking up, Asia 🤞 Jimmy: I'm SO not going if Asia's not going, FYI Janis: 💔 Mia: There'll be room in whatever you're showing up in Mia: assuming she doesn't ditch you too, it's her thing rn Jimmy: put her on my lap ✔ you don't mind, do you, babe? Ella: 🤢 Jimmy: green's right Jimmy: no need to be jealous, El Ella: Don't ever call me that Jimmy: Babe 💔 come on Jimmy: this TENSION between us Ella: Repulsive and delusional, cute 🙄 Ella: Why are you even in this chat, though 👏 it's not nice to make fun of Asia, or helpful rn Jimmy: Bit rude to chuck me out of a chat she started Jimmy: but alright we can plan without her Jimmy: Mia* Mia: You aren't funny, new boy Jimmy: is that @ Asia's boyfriend or? Jimmy: he's got a name Janis: You aren't funny, babe Janis: what's to plan anyway, we have tents, we have lifts, sorted Hollie: Is Asia coming? Mia: Grace, can you please explain to your sister how much more there is left to do Mia: and Asia why are you like making people ask after you??? hello, answer a question, would you, silence ain't cute Grace: Janis does lowkey have a point, babes, it is chill Grace: she doesn't need or want to be involved in our outfit planning, obvs 😂😂 Asia: I LITERALLY SAID I'M COMING Ella: 🔉 Ella: Why are you shouting though Asia: why are you the volume police, Ells?? OH MY GOD Mia: Obviously Mia: but there's actually important stuff still to do, thanks, like who's getting the drink, for one Mia: Asia needs to calm down and find herself a seat, and a whole new tent if she's going to bring everyone down with her attitude??? Mia: don't take your relationship drama out on us tbh Jimmy: The unfunny dickhead with the unflattering fake ID, duh 👋 Jimmy: Love me again now, don't you? Mia: Don't get excited Mia: I want 2 bottles of vodka Jimmy: You gonna put me on a timeout, an' all? Cute Mia: El? Ella: Same Janis: You know it's a weekend Janis: you two don't need 4 bottles between you Janis: and you aren't even meant to have glass anyway Mia: You suddenly care about the rules? Mia: We'll pay you now, chill out 😂😂 Jimmy: I was waiting for the #flex Jimmy: can rest easy and count my 💰 now Mia: 🙄 you wanna pay for us Mia: literally none of us will be impressed Jimmy: and live off bread and water for the foreseeable? You're alright Jimmy: So poor, me, you just put the reminder out yourself Mia: 💔 Mia: like we're all SOOOO rich Jimmy: 🙄 Mia: like, bang on about it more, so not boring Mia: is anyone else going to order or are you just going to keep him waiting forever? Mia: what's wrong with you lots, like are you being shy Hollie: you bringing up Maya's party has me 🤔🤔🤔 maybe we should chill out with the 🍾🍾 idk Mia: You make those little videos sober, don't think you need to worry about being any more cringe, babe Mia: why are we going if to not have fun, come on now Hollie: WOW, ILY too babe Mia: it is what we 💗 about you Mia: so funny Hollie: 👌👌👌 Mia: OMG, this MOOD Mia: you're all stressing me out, actually over this Grace: Vodka is like totally fine for all of us, okay? Just get enough to have fun with, like Mia said Grace: without getting CRAZY like Hollie warned Grace: then we can all just move on Jimmy: 👍 Mia: Yeah, this is so much fun Mia: 🙄 Mia: I'm over this convo Jimmy: 💔 Mia: El, be ready in 15, okay? Grace: Is that everything? Mia: 🤷 Mia: Like I'm doing all the work for what? Mia: You wanna be boring, you'll have to work it out yourselves Grace: I'm literally asking so you don't have to do it all yourself, honey Mia: I said, I'm over it Mia: We're going shopping, you can all do what you want Grace: Ugh Grace: everyone stop Ella: The problem is you're doing nothing though? 💁 Grace: Excuse you? Ella: What? 😂 Grace: That's like the opposite of helping Grace: I'm trying to sort everything out Ella: 👌👌👌 Grace: Do you wanna talk to Asia rn? cos I don't think you appreciate how upset she is Grace: That's what I'm doing Ella: Such a saint 🙏 Ella: she's got nothing to be upset about, just like the rest of you, this is such a joke Grace: mhmmm Grace: we all know you wanna call the whole thing off, Ella Grace: but maybe the rest of us wanna go, so like ?? Don't be so rude Ella: That's why me and Mia are the only ones who have made any suggestions in this chat??? Ella: Okay Grace: 4 bottles of vodka isn't a suggestion, it's a shopping list Ella: We all know you can't handle your drink Ella: so why don't you ask for some cocktails in a can and get realistic about it Grace: 🙄🙄🙄 Mia: El, leave it Mia: this chat is so hormonal Grace: Call off your clone please, so over her Ella: Ha, now who's excused Ella: what was that about green? Grace: yeah cos I was so in favour before Grace: okay Grace: I literally don't care, count me out if this is how it's going to be the whole time Ella: The tantrums 😂 Ella: your sister finally invites you to something and this is how you act Grace: my sister isn't the one being a total bitch, you are Grace: eat something, you'll feel better Ella: Seen enough changing room meltdowns to know that's not worked for you, hun 😚 Mia: This is so toxic and we all know why Asia: I don't Mia: 🙄🙄🙄 Mia: God 😂 Mia: she speaks Hollie: stop shading her Mia: And another one Hollie: her and her bf will be done before the tents are set up, like hello? Hollie: it's not worth dragging her over Asia: 😱😱😱 Asia: Hollie! Mia: Wow Mia: it says so much about you that you only pipe up when things get bitchy Mia: both of you, where was this enthusiasm earlier? Damn, say how you really feel, Hols Hollie: I have to do my own dirty work 🤷 Hollie: if Ells had a twin too, I could sit back and get comfy too Mia: No one's asked you to be such a bitch Mia: this is why people don't fuck with you, so uncomfortable 😬 Hollie: yeah cos only you two are allowed, isn't it? Hollie: is it a boy you've invited? Mia: 😂 show me where Hollie: maybe where Ells is about to pull Gracie's weave out? Hollie: or when you uninvited Asia cos you're so salty that she has a bf Mia: Grace is trying to threaten she's not coming and Asia is clearly doing the same since no one uninvited her Mia: like, try to hide your drama behind us some more Mia: we're shopping for outfits, MY mum is driving us, I've paid for my drinks? Mia: sort your lives, honestly Hollie: my drama is you, you're being cringey bitches and I'm so done 👌 Asia: So I can come with you? Ella: Mime to a sad song, you'll feel better Ella: duh, Asia Hollie: I'll feel better when that boy you have a crush on, who I won't name to the entire chat cos I'm not that bitch, slides into my DMs again Hollie: thanks so much though, Ells Ella: It's tragic you think that means anything Ella: as if you've ever made it to the tent being put up Hollie: It's sooooooo funny that you think that's going to get to me Hollie: I don't want a 💍 and you know it Ella: that's lucky Ella: don't think they do engagement rings in man-sized Jimmy: Well I'm fucked then Jimmy: soz babe, the proposal's cancelled Mia: Are you two legit still here? Mia: That's even more pathetic than you three, you're in luck Jimmy: waiting on my shopping invite, no manners, you Mia: You've got your list Jimmy: But how can I join the cult if you don't tell me the dress code Jimmy: Kool-Aid's on order, like Mia: 🦗🦗 Mia: less reaction than your fake proposal bombshell, I am SO sorry, sweetie Jimmy: I proper felt that, you should go to drama school Ella: and Brits are meant to be decent at sarcasm Ella: try harder, new boy Jimmy: What's sarcasm? Please tell us, attack dog #1 Ella: Get Grace to, seeing as she's such a martyr Ella: Asia's stopped blubbing now Grace: Get over yourself and my name out of your mouth, hun Grace: your changing room meltdown atm isn't my problem Ella: OMG, a real-life 👼 Ella: deigning to talk to us commoners for a sec Ella: you wanna talk about names in your mouth, be sure to tell Asia what you said about her after she left Maya's, k 😘 Grace: Jesus loves everyone babes, even you Mia: 💁 so true Mia: make sure your hands are clean before you start pointing the finger, Gracie Grace: Oh please, I was drunk after I left that party cos OBVS I can NEVER handle my drink, DUH Grace: Do we wanna take a moment to talk about what you both said about my sister and her boyfriend after they invited us to this festival or no? Mia: Try on another excuse, see if that one fits Ella: 😏 Ella: doubt it Grace: we for sure don't wanna take any moments to discuss body image, unless of course you really would like to leave the chat and focus on your ootds Ella: 🐢🌵💚 Asia: ??? Asia: what does that even mean?? Ella: She knows Ella: Asia are you at home? Asia: not my home Asia: why? Ella: to pick you up Ella: you still need to get stuff too, right? Asia: OH Asia: I'll get him to drop me off rn Ella: 🙌 we'll wait 💗 Asia: 👌💗 Mia: We'll do nails and tan after, Dad's paying Asia: I can't tan too dark tho it'll clash with 💇 Mia: 'course, babe, that'd be so cringe Mia: you'll look amazing 😘 Asia: 💗💗💗 Mia: k, toodles 👋 Asia: SO excited Ella: Us too 💃🍾 Hollie: 🙄🙄🙄 Ella: Your negative energy is really draining Ella: speak up if you've got a problem, Hols, maybe we can help Hollie: I just can't remember stepping into a time machine and popping out again when we were like 12 tbh Ella: Your backne is acting up again? Ella: Worst timing, the sun will do it wonders though, don't worry Hollie: 😂 Ella: See, that's more like it Ella: positivity, ladies Hollie: Mia, are you really doing this? Mia: Doing what, babe? Hollie: you know Hollie: 🥶🥶🥶🥶 Mia: I really don't, though Mia: sorry 😕 Mia: DM me if you don't want to say it in front of them, yeah Hollie: okay Hollie: be really cool if you could swat Ells off your shoulder first though Hollie: just saying Mia: Why are you being like, jealous Mia: so weird Mia: we're all friends, 'cos we're not 12 😂 Hollie: check your inbox Hollie: you won't be BFFs with her when you read that Ella: Beg an invite harder Hollie: you'll be begging to keep yours, babes Hollie: gonna have to do your own tan, uh oh Ella: You'd know all about that Ella: 🍊🍪😷 Asia: OMG yay! I understood that time Ella: 😂 it'd be hard to miss, right babe Ella: bless Asia: 😂😂

[canaryatlaw]

Sigh. I didn't *mean* to stay up this late....although I never really mean to stay up till 4:30 am. Ugh. My room is currently filled with various flies and other bugs which is very irritating so we're gonna have to deal with finding how that's happening tomorrow. But today. The last 24 hours have been pretty nuts and intense, for some reasons I'll share and some I'm going to keep to myself. I could NOT fall asleep last night, and kept tossing and turning because I was sure I took my meds, only when I finally went to take another melatonin around 5 am I discovered I took the meds from the wrong fucking day, which did not include the Xanax I'm now apparently dependent on to fall asleep (and that's fucking wonderful). Even from there it still took a while, I think I finally passed out shortly before 7. Luckily I got to sleep until like 11, so that's something at least. Everyone was pretty much waiting on me so I got ready quickly and threw my stuff together, since we were gonna go to the "downtown" section of the town my cousins live in and go to the airport from there. So we head down there and end up having lunch at this cute little brewery place, I got a kind of curious burger that had shrimp on it but was really good! I appreciated that in the women's bathroom stalls they had a specific note about if you're date isn't going well or you're uncomfortable with who you're with for any reason, go to the bar and order an angel shot and they'll get you out of there safely. That has been floating around the Internet of course, but I very much appreciated them putting it there as I'm sure there are many who don't know. From there we went to some of the little shops and mostly just browsed, looking at the touristy t-shirts and such. I wanted to get a pirate themed sign that says "wenches" for my sister and I to hang out our door but my mom was dead set against it and wouldn't let me 😂 lol. There was one store that had a bunch of funny things and I ended up getting two bumper stickers and two magnets from there, the bumper stickers say "well behaved women rarely make history" which I gave to my sister, and the other says something along the lines of "those who say it can't be need to stop getting in the way of those who are doing it." I couldn't resist the magnets because I knew my roommate would appreciate them, one of them says "Jesus would kick the shit out of you" which is great because that's how I feel about many people who call themselves Christians and then do terrible things to people, and the other has a picture of Trump and it says "days without being a national embarrassment: 0" and I just couldn't resist. From there we made a final stop at a coffee place and then headed to the airport. We said our goodbyes and got through to the gate extremely quickly because the airport is ridiculously tiny, it's literally one hallway with like, 8 gates total lol. Earlier when we were driving my aunt had asked if I was planning on staying in Chicago after law school, and since I made up my mind yesterday that I won't be I said no, and of course my mother was like "this is the first time I'm hearing this" and I was like "yeah well that's because I made the decision yesterday" 😂 lol. But while we were waiting at the gate I mentioned I would really miss my church in Chi more than anything, and she was saying how there are plenty of good ones and I started voicing my objections with many churches which then led to a bit of a political fight and me getting frustrated because she like just doesn't pay attention to anything that's going on and thinks everything is sunshine and rainbows with Trump and I'm just like UGH. But whatever. I'll probably send her news updates now 😂 though idk of she'll read them. Oh well. Got on the plane, and I spend probably a solid half hour defeating the "hard" sudoku puzzle in the back of the airline magazine. I'm out of practice, or it would've been shorter lol but I was still proud of myself for getting it done because there were a few times I thought I was gonna be stumped but I got creative. After that I started a long CC fanfic that had been on my marked for later list but I REALLY wanted to start reading it and it's soooo good so far I just want to read it all the time lol. So I got like 30 pages into that (out of 120) before we landed. Got our bags, then had to take a shuttle to another lot where they were making the cars wait which was irritating, but I guess it's better than the mess it was trying to get through beforehand. Drove home, and are Chinese food with the family. I felt randomly inspired to kick around a soccer ball after, but the soccer ball I had last year had since disappeared, so I ventured into the basement to see if there were any in there. I found 4, two were deflated and two had something else wrong with them that they were like, rock hard, and I swear one of them I bought when I was like six. But I took those two up and tried to play with them, but they did not function as actual soccer balls so I'm gonna have to make a trip to a sports store at some point to remedy that situation. I went back inside after that and decided to watch a movie with my sister, I said she could pick and she chose "the space between us" (I think that's what it's called? Something like that) which I hadn't heard of but was pretty cute, as per usual we only got like halfway through before my sister bailed because she apparently has a very short movie attention span (sigh). We'll finish it tomorrow. I stayed in the back on my laptop for a little bit before joining my dad and brothers in the den, where they were watching an episode of house of cards, which I haven't seen any of but of course recognized Kevin Spacey and Robin Wright from their appearances at the Tonys the other night. After that my brothers bailed, and my dad went to watch where he was up to in season 2 of Supergirl, episode 7. We're watching and they have the scene where Maggie is talking to Alex about still being friends after she initially turned Alex down, and I went to needle my dad about it like "oh aren't you just so mad to see them shoving their gay agenda down your throats???" (totally sarcastic obviously) which then led to a political debate which was endlessly frustrating, but it eventually gave way to a really good conversation about the future and such, and I told him about my decision not to stay in Chi post school and of course he was thrilled, though I made no promises that I'd be returning here the goal is still the job in NYC. I did happen to stumble upon another nonprofit law firm I'd be interested in working for today, except this one is based in California (not an improvement from Chicago). They focus on more than just foster care for broader youth issues including juvenile justice reform, which is definitely something I could get behind. But I really don't want to have to take the California bar exam (you probably don't know this, but it's by FAR the hardest of all the state bars, and the last passing rate was like 49% which is ridiculously low) or really be that far away from everyone when the goal was really to be closer. But I mean, we'll see. Of course my dad immediately starting making his pitch for all the things he has going on here that could draw me back, and I'll admit he did make a compelling case in several aspects. I said that if I did end up out in this general area of Long Island (in a temporary position at least, probably for the government in some capacity) I do not think it would be good for my mental health to move back into this house, which he seemed to understand but said you know we'll deal with that when we get there, so *shrug* I guess we'll see how that works. It's a lot more inconvenient to want such things when you're still asking your parents to finance it because you don't have any money since you're a full time student. But anyway. I also told him something I've been musing on lately, just because it seems like I've been seeing an influx of stories of abuse against children (which it's possible is entirely due to one or two Facebook groups I'm in, but still), especially child deaths, and it's made me want to work as a prosecutor for a crimes against children unit. It's hardly the first time I've considered the idea, I've always said that is the only way I would consider being a prosecutor. But it would be another option at least. But yeah, it was a really good convo and it reminded me why I do love my dad so much, even when his political views frustrate me to no end and I don't think I can ever forgive him for voting for Trump (sigh). But yeah, that's it and it's 5 am now so I REALLY need to get to bed. Goodnight my darlings. I hope you get more sleep than I do.

[3parts]

77 hours down in ME:A since... Friday? I think. I’ve been playing a lot, school holidays landed at exactly the right time.

Impressions under the cut.

I’ve got 100% on Veold and Eos, and finished the first visit to Havarl, and landed on Kadara for the first time last night. Only completed Liam’s loyalty mission. Slept with Liam and Peebee with no further interest in either, haven’t decided between Vetra and Jaal for my main squeeze. I still really want to kiss Drack, but in lieu I would like an extra party slot so I can take Vetra, Jaal and Drack with me everywhere because they are the BEST.

The game is...

Quite buggy. I notice this mostly in conversations. While facial animations can be awful, they’re not too frequent. More often I get shit like the camera cutting off half of Sara’s face because it was set at male PC height; conversations repeating, especially quest convos that don’t acknowledge the quest is done and sometimes that the PC and NPC are in a totally different area; subtitles coming up for conversations out of earshot and overriding the subtitles for a convo happening right next to me. I’ve had one instance of zooming into a conversation only for the NPC to not say anything and no buttons coming up for me, and no way to exit, leaving me having to force close the game, and as I recall a few people had that problem in DA:I. Also, I’m learning that while the game encourages exploring, you had better not explore an area important to a quest before you get that quest because the fucking game won’t notice and you’ll get it all kinds of confused.

Environmental design can be... pretty bad. I like open world games. I do. I know a lot of people want smaller worlds with better stories, but I think that if the team thought they had the ability to write good, tight stories, that’s where their focus would already be. They don’t (as we can see), so we get something they do feel they’re good at. Except... sometimes, they’re really not. Kett bases that you open up to find a single crate inside are not good design. They’re not good for fighting, and they’re not good for usi8ng the space to tell a story, unless that story is that kett are stupid and wasteful. Lots of random crates scattered around might be fine for cover, but they tell me nothing about the world you’re trying to immerse me in. Give me a reason for the crates. The rooms with beds and table and chairs are interesting, I can learn from that. But a base full of kett that give them no living quarters? Explain to me why it’s there. Give me a data pad about this being a heavily guarded storage facility because the Cardinal’s second favourite set of robes are there and they’re too sacred for the angara to get their hands on. Tell me what the big circular poundy platforms are for and a reason for me to blow them up. COME ON. Add in lots of floating items, like entire rocky spires standing on nothing, and I think they could have used a bit more time to go over everything. 

The kett are becoming more interesting enemies, I’m liking this story arc, but I am still waiting to see if they can maintain it ad pull it off. I like the idea of competing factions, and the idea that our Archon is breaking the rules. I want to learn more about their history and operations in other parts of Andromeda.

I’m currently nursing a theory that by switching on the Vaults, we’re making the Scourge worse, and this is going to have major consequences later. I’m wondering if the kett are trying to find a way to shut it down to reduce the Scourge, or if they receive some benefit from it. I presume the Archon wants to find Remnant DNA to play with, but little evidence of Kett/Scourge interactions so far.

Also, the Scourge is a shitty name for it. Also shitty: the Vortex, the Nexus, some others that I can’t remember because I just woke up. They’re boring. They’re unmemorable. They feel like the first idea you had, you kept. Do better.

Also, the planets are boring. Ice planet, desert planet, jungle planet (also doubling as perpetual-darkness planet) All we’re missing is the underwater planet for the full set, and that SUCKS. This is BORING. You get to play with alien fucking worlds and this is the best you can do? At least make the sand blue or something, come on. And copy-pasting animals from one VASTLY different world and environment to another? Bad, bad look. Why are the animals on Eos also on Voeld? How did they get there? How did they adapt? Why can’t I rescan them to learn about the interesting adaptations that made them able to survive across so many environments, because right now? This is boring. 

I don’t like the lack of quick-save, and I hate not being able to save on main missions, especially as auto-saves don’t seem to happen all that often.

I have a lot of complaints, obviously, but I am enjoying it. I like the Nomad, I like that the capital of Voeld, the world of Australian-accented Angara, is called Estraaja - that made me laugh out loud. I like my team. Special shout out to Vetra and Cora, my favouritest ladies in Mass Effect, up there with Tali and Kasumi. Cora was described to me as Miranda 2.0 and HOW DARE YOU. Cora needs a very long hug and to be adopted officially into the Ryder family because she is my big sister now. I like that I have no idea where this thing with Scott is going (I told him the truth about their dad and Habitat 7 and OOPS). I like just rolling across the world, fighting everything that I see and accidentally starting new quests that tell me more about the world and the people in it. I like a lot of the rando NPCs I’ve met. Even if the quest is just a ‘Kill X’ or ‘Fetch #’, I don’t mind because the reasoning why gives me new information. I like the angara, they’re very cool people and I want the other five thousand pages of their law books now, please. I really liked Vivienne’s VA as the Moshae, she has great range. Jaal is adorable and I love him too, and I want to know so much more about Vetra, and flirting with her leaves me swooning every time. Flirting with Suvi is also WONDERFUL, Ryder’s lines are GREAT. I know there have been IRL issues with the VA and I get if people avoid playing female Ryder for it, but her voice is great and has really got me into the character. I like pretty much everyone on the Tempest bar Peebee, who annoys the shit out of me (which may be the intent. Not a critique of her writing, I know people like that IRL and they annoy me too), and having to choose between Gil and Kallo BROKE MY HEART. Please don’t do that again, game.

I’m playing Engineer with all tech abilities (overload, incinerate, the remnant drone) and some points thrown in combat to reduce weapon weight and add survivability and holsters. I don’t like being limited to three active abilities at all. I would rather have three offensive and three defensive, at least. I’m probably going to shove some points into tactical cloak and start switching between tech for all offence and infiltrator for more defensive styles, because MAN, stuff like the Architects really fuck me up, and I never get to enjoy fights with enemies like fiends because they seem to auto-target me (even if I haven’t attacked and my squadmates have) and I spend the entire fight just running in circles while my squad does the damage. Fuck biotics. Why play mage when you can play rogue?

Oh, and the UI is really bad. Navigating menus is ridiculous, and the R&D interface is so bad. No way to compare what you’re putting points or crafting unless you already have it equipped, so have fun writing down or memorising the stats of each weapon while you try to figure out what’s best. And then they don’t tell you that there’s another tier after the first five, so you get to do it again!

I’m having fun, though rereading everything it seems to be in spite of myself. Oh well. Time to put in another few hours before I have to go get groceries.

[kyberled]

☀ ♦ ♥ ☢ ✖

the salty af munday meme

☀ What’s your rp pet peeve? –> Ship forcing. This is literally the best way to get me to unfollow or even block another mun. I’ll explain what ship-forcing is below, but yeah, that’s one of them.

♦ What was a mildly annoying thing that has happened to you rp wise? –> See above. It happened once on my Warren blog, and once very recently on here. Now, a bit of a definition, here - I don’t see ship-forcing as asking me if I want to ship, or saying your muse has a crush on Braig - heck, that can be flattering (though I prefer if we know each other, first - it can get a bit uncomfy for me, kind of like virtual catcalling, I guess, when complete strangers tell me how attractive they think Braig is). I don’t see it as someone’s muse having feelings for Braig, one-sided or otherwise. All of these things are A-Okay, and can be quite fun, too! What I do see ship forcing is when someone asks if they can ship with Braig, and instantly, as soon as I say ‘we can give it a try’, deciding that our muses are suddenly soulmates, even if they’ve hardly said four sentences to each other, before. I see it as asking to ship, then immediately dropping the thread where they were actually in the process of meeting each other to have them now in the middle of a date, which, given the context of where, when, and how said date was taking place would likely have gotten them both killed. I see it as pestering Braig to do something ‘romantic’, having both Braig and I say no, he doesn’t want to, and the other person keeps pushing, regardless, or getting upset when Braig decides to respond with something not romantic and replying to that with some rude, snarky comment. ‘Uh, I think [muse] wanted Braig to do [X], actually’ - Yes, that has happened, before. I’ve been vagueblogged about, spammed on and off anon, been told I’ve made peoples’ depression/anxiety worse, had on-blog events ruined and muses killed and simply been harassed at all hours of the day because of ship-forcing and my trying to deal with it gently and politely, instead of just flat-out saying ‘no’ or ‘I’m not comfortable with this’. So, if it ever seems like I’m coming down too hard on someone in regards to shipping, I swear I don’t mean to come off as abrasive or rude - I just learned the hard way that you’ve gotta be blunt about your comfort zones or else things go south faster than a flock of geese on an adrenaline high. Basically, to sum this novel up: As long as you respect my boundaries, we’re good; if I haven’t told you you’re skeeving me out, we’re good. If I have told you you are, and you keep doing whatever it was, we’re not so good. 

☢ What fads/trends are you so over? –> I don’t really keep up with trends enough to know lmao. I mean I guess I’ve seen a few, but they don’t really bother me. You do you, and all… Though, I guess I never entirely understood the whole ‘personified objects’ thing? I mean, you do you, and all, but it just never  made sense to me.

✖ How has Tumblr RP changed since you started? –> It hasn’t, not really. I think the only real changes have been purely aesthetic, like small text,  contained themes, etc. I really don’t care what other people do, as long as they’re happy and not hurting anyone.

♥ What’s the WORST thing that has happened to you rp wise?

[Under a cut for length]

Okay, so, I told two of my rp horror stories over on Xig, so I’ll tell my third one here. Since I gave the other two pseudonyms, we’ll call this one ‘Cheeper’. Cheeper was someone I had met when a mutual friend we’ll call Battery allegedly recommended my blog to them. Now, Battery was someone I had approximately zero problems with. Really friendly, sweet guy, talented writer, great sense of humour, one of my favourite people to write with. So, I figured, if Cheeper was a friend of Battery’s, they must be cool, too, right? … Wrong. So, things start out okay-ish, as they always do, but things get downhill pretty fast. Starts off with small things, like ignoring asks or dropping literally all of our threads without letting me know. And I understand wanting to drop threads or not being able to get to everything in your ask box, but when that happens consistently, it gets a little disheartening.

The next little thing was when they started making AUs of my muse, and expecting me to write them. Lemme say here that I am totally fine with people suggesting AUs for my muses. That’s where this blog came from, Rodi suggesting a Star Wars AU where another one of my muses was Obi’s padawan, so, again, I’m fine with AU prompts. What I’m not fine with is when someone writing a really detailed version of my muse without consulting me at all, and then expecting me to write that AU they made with no warning and no problems. Cheeper comes into my IMs listing this novel-length AU detailing not only how their muse changed, but how mine did, as well. Basically, the entire idea was that their muse, who in canon was a big tank-type character who had been straight-up abusive to multiple characters, and turned them into a small, fluffy little mage who was actually a good guy and hadn’t done any bad things, and was being forced to do the bad guys’ dirty work, whereas my muse… Was suddenly the abusive one. For absolutely no reason. In a way that not only completely contradicted all of my personal headcanons - all of which were posted and easily viewable on my blog - but also went against all of what canon had showed us about my muse, and quite frankly made me really uncomfortable. I mean, you’ve seen some of the stuff I’ve written, you know I’m down to write some pretty messed up stuff, but to straight up turn my muse into a child abuser, WITHOUT CONSULTING ME AT ALL, just so your muse can be the good guy? That doesn’t fly so well. On top of that, writing such a detailed version of my muse and expecting me to play it for you? Why not write it yourself? I mean like I said, I am thrilled with AU suggestions, but, hell, keep it to a sentence or two, tops. Let me experiment and develop my muse to fit the AU myself, thanks. … And, while these things were pretty irritating, especially when a few of them happened over and over again, it got worse.

A lot of the time, when I’m having OOC conversations to get to know another mun before we start writing together, I look for a sort of ‘spark’ or ‘click’ - something that shows this person and I are gonna get along. For a lot of people, including my favourite partners, this click is basically immediate - just this instant ‘wow, we’re gonna be good friends, this is great!’, and, for others, it takes a bit longer, and that’s totally okay! Some people take a while to open up, or maybe it wasn’t a good day for one of us, I totally get it, happens to me, too. How quickly the click happens has absolutely NO BEARING ON MY OPINION OF A PERSON WHATSOEVER. There have been I think only three or four times I haven’t clicked with someone - twice on Warren, once on Xig, and once here. If I message you first, send asks, tag you in things, like your posts, etc, we’ve clicked, don’t worry. Anyway, Cheeper was one of these rare occurrences where there was not only no click, there was the opposite of a click. At first I thought it was just ‘cause our first convo was a bit awkward - from what I remember, it was basically just ‘hi, My name is [Cheeper], I’m [Battery]’s friend and he recommended your blog so I thought I’d give you a follow’, you know, typical ‘hi, nice to meet you’ type thing, I didn’t think much of it. Unfortunately, that was the only pleasant conversation we had.

You see, Cheeper had the habit of starting conversations with some variation of ‘how are you?’. Doesn’t sound too bad, right? Well, in typical Canadian fashion, I always did my best to follow social protocol and be polite, and say ‘I’m good/fine/great, thanks, how are you?’, and, much like Han Solo, I learned that there are some situations you shouldn’t ask that question. Every time, without fail, Cheeper would say some variation of ‘bad’ or ‘horrible’, and proceed to dump literally all their life’s problems on me, and I mean all of them. I’m perfectly fine with letting my friends vent/rant to me as much as they need, and offering advice is a pass-time of mine. But, I had only known this person for- Less than a week, when this started (I hardly even knew their NAME I had to look it up on their blog), and they kept going on and on about some really personal shit, like hours of how they hated their job and school was stressful, and their family was aphobic and never used the right pronouns, literally everything about their personal life, no matter how private it was, just- Constant negativity, all the time. It was literally all they spoke about, ever. I don’t know anything else about them, just that their life was terrible and they decided to use me as some sort of verbal stress ball. Even if I tried to divert the conversation to a different topic, or just ignore them entirely, I’d still get floods of negativity and complaints. And what makes it even better? They had a frickin therapist! This person, who had a professional, trained therapist, would spend hours unloading all of their mental/emotional burdens on me, an untrained stranger who had only said ‘hi’ to them once. And, after they had dumped all their baggage on me, they’d say, ‘oh, gotta go, it’s time to go to my therapist’. And, honestly? That was the only time I felt safe to post on my blog. Yes, you read that right - it was the only time I felt safe to post on my own blog. I honestly could not make a post on my blog without Cheeper spamming my IMs with boatloads of stress-inducing negativity. And, call me selfish, call me insensitive, call me whatever you want, but, fuck, I had my own problems! I was in university, trying to get law school level grades, while working a part time job to try and help my family out when we were struggling financially, doing what I could to make sure there was enough food in the fridge for my younger brothers, trying to help my grandma take care of my grandpa, trying to keep up with my martial arts - which I have to do in order to keep my job - and trying to write multiple essays for both my younger brother and myself, as we were prepping for our black sash tests, but he was also trying to get into film school, so I’d volunteered to write the sash essays for him, and, let me tell you, I did not need to play counsellor to someone I didn’t even know on top of that. And, like I said, this happened constantly, and I’d get a new flood of messages every time I so much as hinted at being online.

And believe it or not, it got worse, Sakrine.

I remember there was one conversation we had (’conversation’ being used loosely, of course) towards the end of our interactions where Cheeper was complaining at me, as per usual, and mentioned how all of their friends were blocking them without saying why. Funnily enough, I was planning on blocking them soon, myself (probably should have done it a long time ago). But, lo and behold, right after saying how they were always getting blocked, Cheeper goes and says ‘but you’d never block me, so at least I have you. You’re my best friend, Jay’. And I’m sitting here really uncomfortable because, uh, no, we’re not best friends, and I have no idea what gave them that idea, since I never told them anything of the sort, and in fact barely spoke to to them at all, both because I didn’t much care for their company, and because I could hardly get a word in edgewise - and, even if I could, how does one respond to a total stranger badgering you for advice on how to deal with their family not handling their being out well? I’m not out to my family, and I don’t think I ever will be, so, again, how can I give that sort of advice to someone I don’t know?

About the time this was happening was when I met and was chatting with Rodi, who’s actually one of my best friends and the light of my life. Like I mentioned above, it was at her suggestion that I decided to make this li’l OC mess that we know and love here. He was originally gonna be a verse on my other blog, until I realised that I’d have tags for a Jedi verse, a padawan verse, a Sith verse, etc., and that was too many for one AU, so I made a sideblog. Then, after only a day of having that, and a bit of encouragement from both Rodi and Milla (my main Talon), I made this stand-alone blog for my son, and I was having a great time.

Cheeper, however, was not, and made sure I knew it.

Now, my muse for that blog had been steadily dying, mostly because of this, but also for a few other, more minor reasons, and I felt way more comfortable here, was having more fun, and generally just enjoying myself way more on this blog than the other, so, naturally, this is where I spent most of my time. Within a day or two of my neglecting Xig, Cheeper pops into the IMs to complain about me, to me. Yes, I am dead serious, this is an actual thing that happened. They start badgering me to go back to my other blog, and, I dunno if this has ever happened to you, but, it’s really disheartening. I explained to Cheeper that I felt more comfortable on this blog (though I didn’t tell them why I felt that way on Xig; Perhaps I should’ve), that I had more drafts and asks on this blog, and that I had more muse for this character at the moment, so I’d be spending my time over here, at least for a little bit. Their oh-so-eloquent response was, and this is a verbatim quote, ‘boo, you suck.’ And I had absolutely no idea how to respond to that, so I didn’t. I just sat there, staring, feeling an interesting concoction of shocked, annoyed, and offended. About a minute later, they added a ‘lol, just kidding’, and proceeded to… Continue… To complain about me, as well as about their life and still expected me to give them advice and solutions I didn’t have. I’ve never had someone act more entitled to my time and energy as this person did. 

Now, I know what you’re probably thinking - ‘they were probably just some kid, Jay, young people can be like that at times, you’re taking it too hard’, and, hey, I thought so, too. I was nineteen years old when this was happening; Cheeper was around 24 or 25. Yup, this person was about five or six years older than me, and a grown-ass adult the entire time. And like I said, they were constantly acting entitled to everything I did, like I owed them something. There was another time where I’d actually gotten a bit of muse for my other blog back, so I went on, answered a bunch of asks, slammed out some drafts, sent some memes, answered some IMs… It was a really productive evening for me. Once I was finished, I came back here and got a bit more done. Next morning rolls around, and Cheeper messages me with ‘I miss you, dude. You’re never on Xig, any more.’ I tell them that, actually I’d been on last night, for a few hours, at least. Their response? ‘Well, I wasn’t on.’, after which they kept complaining about how much they missed my muse and my writing. I get this was probably supposed to be flattering, but it really wasn’t? Especially considering that, while they were going on and on about how much they missed me and wanted to write with me, they were completely ignoring the THREE STARTERS I had written for them in the weeks leading up to this point. Hadn’t even given them a like, which I like to do to let someone know that, even if I’m slow as all Hell - which I tend to be - I have seen it, and it’s in my drafts. So, I mentioned this to Cheeper, said ‘you know, I have a couple starters for you on the other blog, why don’t you check those out?’ ‘Oh, I didn’t see them, I’ll give them a look.’ And then, blissfully, they stopped messaging. Little while later, a few days, I got another message from them (keep in mind I never contacted them or interacted with them first, since, rude as it may sound, I was kind of hoping they’d get the message), and once again they were whining about how I was never on Xig again, so I went to check the starters again, and… Still no notes. So I ask them about the starters, and they say ‘I couldn’t find them’. You know how I looked them up? [my blog’s url]/tagged/[cheeper’s url], and, bam. There they were. I told Cheeper this and even sent them the link to their tag. They said okay, that they’d check it out later, and started complaining about their life again. I was serious when I said this was the only thing they talked about, outside of basically harassing me to write with them. Few days later, they get on my case AGAIN for not being on Xig/not rping with them. I check the THREE FUCKING STARTERS again,  STILL NO NOTES. I ask, and ‘oh I just don’t have muse for them right now lol’. And I’m left sitting here like, okay, do you really want to write with me, or are you just mad I’m not dedicating all of my attention to you and your godawful AU muses? I mean, I have NOTHING against AU muses - that’s where this kiddo came from, after all - but AUS WHERE THEY PUSHED MY CHARACTER TO BE A FUCKING CHILD ABUSER WERE APPARENTLY ALL THEY HAD MUSE FOR. And my character was a moral fuckhead I admit but he WASN’T OVERTLY ABUSIVE THAT WAS ONE OF THE REASONS I WAS COOL PLAYING HIM AS THE ANTAGONIST HE WAS AND JUST. And as well, when I have no muse, it’s apparently a major fuckin’ disaster and they complain to the ends of the earth about it and go on and on about how I should still be writing that character and how much they miss me, but when THEY have no muse I have to accommodate it and make allowances and write with them anyway???? Like???

So anyway yeah they proceeded to ignore those starters for months, and every time I posted a new starter call,they’d like that, I’d post a starter, they’d completely ignore it, then come crying and complaining to me, berating me and all but sobbing about how much they missed me.

BUT IT GETS WORSE STILL, SAKRINE.

After a while, Cheeper starts asking me about Star Wars. And I’m torn between ‘fuck no, this is my new safe place, and I’m TRYING TO BE SAFE FROM YOU’ and ‘well maybe if they get into this series they’ll stop getting upset with me for not writing on a blog I have no muse for and am not comfortable on’. So they ask me what they need to watch to understand Star Wars. I tell them to watch the movies, since those are the unchanging canon, no matter what Disney did to the Legends material. Apparently they don’t even have the attention span for their favourite show, so they can’t watch the movies. They complain to me about that for a while, because apparently I care. I did not. I tell them that everything Star Wars - or at least, in the era I write in - revolves around those movies. I tell them they can just watch the PT (and explain what the different trilogies are) and that will get them caught up with where I write. Nope, can’t do that. So I tell them there are book versions of the movies they can read, instead, and there are also comics and stuff they can look into if that would be better.

Nope, don’t have the attention span for books.

Complain about that to me for a while, then ask what they absolutely HAVE to watch to understand. 

I tell them about the Clone Wars show, give them a link to the relevant KissCartoon page. They ask how long the show is - I tell them the number of seasons (mention that 6 is unfinished), and the average length of an episode.

Nope, don’t have the attention span for that, either.

They reiterate that they hardly have the attention span for their favourite show, and once again complain to me before asking me what the /HAVE TO WATCH/ to understand.

I tell them that they’re free to try interacting with my muse on their KH blogs, since I’m open to crossovers and still, for some ungodly reason, trying to be civil.

They keep asking about star wars.

I mention the video games.

Don’t have the attention span for video games.

So this person, who apparently can’t watch movies or TV shows, or read books or comics, or play video games, is asking me what source material they need to know to roleplay a Star Wars verse. 

I, as a last-ditch and mostly sarcastic effort, give them a link to Wookieepedia. I’m a terrible person, I know.

…

They don’t have the patience to look through the wiki pages.

I’m all but smashing my face against the keyboard now, while this person is COMPLAINING TO ME ABOUT HOW LONG STAR WARS IS. 

I mean I get it’s a lot but I tried to break it down?? And last I checked I’m not George Lucas like I’m sorry but it’s not my fault, my problem, or in my power to change? And I tell them it’s 40 years worth of worldbuilding and try to help them break it down again and they just KEEP FUCKING COMPLAINING.

And after like. Two hours of me trying to reason with them and help them out they say ‘I’m not even interested in star Wars, I just want to write with you’. 

And now, maybe I’m reading into it too much. Maybe I listen to too many narrated Let’s Not Meet videos too late at night. But holy shit, I have never felt like I had a legitimate stalker until that moment. It was one of the most uncomfortable things that has ever happened to me. I had zero idea how to respond, and so again I don’t think I did. Or, if I did, it was to again try to explain to them that there was a lot of material, and they should [leavemethefuckalone] focus on things they were interested in, especially if they didn’t think they could handle just the show. So they complain to me about that for a bit, before moving on to other topics to whine about. Always comes back to how I’m not writing with them any more (meanwhile, the countless starters I’ve written them are still being ignored, as are any and all threads we had on the go at the time. Everything’s either been ignored, abandoned, or both, all without letting me know.).I honestly don’t remember how that conversation ended. Just thinking about it makes me blank out and get a sort of mild pins-and-needles feeling. I mean, I get it was probably supposed to be flattering, and if we had been friends it might have been, but coming from this person? Alarm bells were ringing like a retro emergency evac PSE. 

AND IT GETS WORSE STILL, BECAUSE FOR SOME REASON I STILL PUT UP WITH THIS PERSON. 

So, enter me, just going back to uni for the spring/early summer semester. Our stage sets itself in my campus’ bookstore, at about noon or one o’clock in the afternoon. The line from the bookstore stretches from the counter, at one end of the store, wraps around the perimeter of that very large, very spacious room that was at one point a lecture hall, goes through the hall to the next room which also used to be a massive classroom, wraps around that and goes out the back door. I had to get up for an 8:30 that was across the field that day. I had non-stop class until this point, I had had no breakfast (though I think I had a sip of orange juice to keep from conking out), I had been waiting in line for close to an hour, my arms were full of heavy textbooks I dreaded having to pay for, and I only had one hand free for typing, and there was a chance I’d be late to my next class if this line didn’t get moving. As you can imagine, I wasn’t much in the mood for talking (though I think I made the effort for Rodi and Maddie (my best friend from public school who I still talk to) since I enjoy talking to them and it made me feel a bit better). Anyway, I’m in line, tired, irate, and scrolling through tumblr, and Cheeper messages me with a ‘hey’. Oh fuck, I think, this isn’t good. I greet them anyway - just a ‘hi’. I’m only giving one word answers at this point, since I’m not in a chatty mood, and, as I mentioned, I’m typing with just my thumb and that fucking sucks and takes forever, and I’m also trying to keep my place in line. Cheeper starts asking me about school, and I’m very confused, because never once in the months I’d known them had they ever taken an interest in me or my life. ‘so you’re in university right’ they ask. I remember most of this conversation word for word, and you’ll see why. ‘yeah’, I reply. ‘What year?’ they ask; ‘Second \o/’ I say, adding an emoji b/c I love that one. ‘Cool, what’s your major?’ they ask, and I’m getting hopeful that maybe they’ve turned a new leaf and my patience with them has been rewarded. So I tell them ‘Classics \O/’ with a slightly more excited emoji, and they tell me that’s cool, mention their major is in foreign languages - I think Chinese? Maybe Spanish? This is the one message I can never remember in its entirety, because the next one almost knocked me over. I replied with ‘cool’, and a half second later, Cheeper asks, 

“Are you out to your family yet?”

This complete fucking stranger, this grown-ass adult I barely knew, straight up asked me if I was out to my family, yet. I have never been asked that question before or since. I am out only to people on tumblr, and a small group of my most trusted friends from high school. And this person had the fucking audacity to ask me right out if I was. 

I was shocked.

I will not lie to you, I almost dropped my phone. I think I stopped breathing for a second, and I nearly lost my place in line. I was torn between just being frozen and being fucking livid. After a moment when I didn’t respond, they added, ‘Can I ask that?’ And I swear those two messages are tattooed into my mind.

“Are you out to your family yet?”

Holy fuck.

So I manage to collect myself enough to type out ‘no, I’m not’. 

‘Damn,’ they say. ‘Because my mom keeps messing up my pronouns and I wanted to know if you have any advice.’ 

Because why the fuck else would they care about me, right?

And then they proceeded to complain about their life and their aphobic family to me AGAIN, for HOURS, but at that point I’d been ignoring their messages and was instead talking to Maddie for advice on how to handle the situation. I had no idea what to do. I was lost. Like. I wanted to block them so bad but they’d been subtly guilt-tripping me about it for so long (’you’d never block me, you’re my best friend’ was just the start of that, tbh) that I felt bad for it? And Maddie was just like ‘jay no that’s fucked up get rid of them’ and I did.

I have never once regretted it and holy fuck it feels amazing to get this shit off my chest.

And yeah, so.

That was one of my worst RP experiences.

Are you out to your family yet.

I’d sell them to Satan for half a stale corn chip I swear to Christ. 

[flyingcookierambles]

forgot if i already talked about it but i guess i honestly didnt like wolf children/boy and the beast that much lol and i think i finally figured out why

ok so ill have my original post and short convo i had with this one guy and then write about my feelings after those two that provide some context.

ok real quick so wolf children and the boy and the beast are both from award winning anime director mamoru hosoda!

wolf children has a single mother with 2 kids who are werewolves/shifters since they can change whenever they want. she’s a widow because her husband was walking around the city in wolf form, scared ppl, and got killed by animal control in tokyo. she and her kids move out to the rural boonies on a small homestead where she farms and stuff so that her kids can have space to be their wolf forms and run around without fear.

the boy and the beast has a human child fall into the hidden magical parallel furry world and get raised by this beast/bear furry? i...forget what his adoptive dad’s species is lol, sorry its been a long time since ive seen the movie.

spoilers for the ending but. here.

wolf children - yuki, the daughter, decides to stay in the human world with her mom and go to high school. ame, the son, decides to live his life as a furry/wolf boy protecting the forests.

boy and the beast - adoptive father sacrifices himself for protag, fuses spirits/hearts/whatever with protag so that they’re not really separated even in death, then the protag and dad defeat the antagonist and the protag decides to stay in the human world with his human girlfriend.

soooo. yeah. the movie ends with the families splitting up and the two cultures of mundane humans and magical creatures separating forever.

(og post) original post from my kitsu:

“ok, so like after watching wolf children tonight, im left with a bunch of questions and, idk maybe i dont understand the ending, but like. what. i also have a copy of the boy and the beast and watched it a while go. and like. i feel like, out of his two movies, they were overall very good. however, the endings always leave me with a ton of questions and mixed feelings? is mamoru hosoda just going to be “that guy” for me? you know, “that guy.” like, he’s an ok dude but you have mixed feelings about him? is it still worth watching his other movies, the girl who leapt through time and summer wars, at this rate? idk???? edit: …. i realized i also borrowed mirai from the library, am i going to watch the whole thing and then be like. what.“

response to this one guy, pseudonym:

I didn’t like wolf children and while I overall enjoyed the boy and the beast I did feel it was lacking something. Give summer wars a go though as in my opinion it’s easily his best film, that said I haven’t seen Mirai.

my responses:

“ that’s interesting. hmm im trying to figure out what i didn’t like about his endings for these two movies and i think it might be the whole separation thing? but the weird thing was that i didn’t mind the family separation thing in maquia, another family drama oriented anime? so idk ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ????? what about you?”

pseudomym:

“I haven’t seen Maquia. It’s been a while since I watched either film but I just remember Boy and the beast feeling generally a little uninspired and wolf children feeling hollow having nothing going on but cuteness and idealization of the mother character that I couldn’t get behind. It also fell into the annoying and well worn trap of insisting the daughter come to terms with her wolf side as necesary but the boy’s arc is to go reject his humanity and abandon his family to live in the woods as a young teen and the mother learning to accept his really stupid decision. Fuck that, thats a shtty life decision and it should be treated accordingly.”

my response:

i agree with some points! like, i get that the mother was a hardworking single mother who needed to give her kids some more freedom and also isolation in life to hide the whole werewolf secret, but when ame was just like “imma drop out of elementary school,” and hana was ok with it, i was just staring at the screen like “no, why are you letting him do this?” i feel like my issue with the boy and the beast was that ren decided that “humans and monsters need to live in their own world,” and left forever when i was thinking “no man, you can have both, work in the human world on weekdays and just go back to the monster world on weekends or something, you have basically nothing in the human world but this random girl you met and whatever the japanese version of the GED is.”

so. after thinking about it. literally for a few years. i realized. the reason i don’t like these movies, or at least their endings, since the premises sounds interesting enough for me to try them. is probably because im projecting my own weirdo complex identity issues on them. (own ramble lol) (other ramble on kitsu) (transracial tag on main) (racial imposter syndrome with NPR’s Code Switch) (all mixed up what do we call people of multiple backgrounds, also on NPR’s Code Switch)

so. as you can hopefully see. i. am currently in a pretty big identity/culture crisis. and. i think that the endings of these movies rubbed me the wrong way because their solution was to choose one over the other. like. there’s no room to try to make it work, to try and have a balance between the two worlds.

as mentioned above, in wolf children, why the heck not try to make it work? be a furry forest protector and still visit your mom because you’re in the same area. in fact, ame is literally the stupidest kid/literal elementary school drop out because, instead of trying to help the forest with actual laws and such because bc, its sad but let’s be real, capitalism and bulldozers can affect the forest more than one kid trying to larp as the big bad wolf of the forest. and you know how ame could’ve tried to protect the forest in a more substantial way? literally just. finding a balance between the human and magical werewolf/animal world and becoming a botanist/biologist/ecologist/forest ranger. someone who can bring some actual solutions to fixing issues in the forest with science. instead of like. “feeling the forest vibes” or whatever the heck was even happening there.

and then also as mentioned in the boy and the beast, protag-kun leaves behind all his childhood friends and the ppl who helped his adoptive dad raise him, practically his adoptive aunts and uncles, behind for a random girl he met, his birth dad and step family, and whatever a japanese GED is. like. again, why not try to make it work? have two cultures????

you dont have to choose one over the other!!

i’m sure that mamoru hosoda didn’t mean to be like. idk. insensitive to people of mixed races/cultures, etc., esp. since japan is not a very racially/culturally diverse place so he probably didn’t even have this mindset when making these movies, but the message in the movies’ endings that you have to pick one culture, country/world, family, etc., over the other because they’re just too incompatible is just. absolute bullshit. do i care that they’re werewolf and magic furry world culture? no, i think you can and should still try dude.

like. i have. a bunch of intersectional race/culture/adoption issues, but am i going to try to have some balance and learn about all of them and live with them? yeah????? do you realize how stupid it is to me to think about like. having to pick between cultures???? its just like. to me, picking one over the other would be like forcing me to stay with white americans or just like. go back to china. like the boy and the beast protag did or someshit????? like???? i can try to balance them??? tisn’t that the whole point of like. chinese american/ immigrant created mixed culture/experiences, esp. for ppl like me who are transracially adopted and have complex life experiences???? wtf??????

like. i would love to learn more about my birth country and all but im not going to be an absolute dumbass like the boy and beast protag and move to another world/country just because “its where i’m from” or “i have biological family there.” i cant speak the language, i’d leave all my friends and family oceans away, how the heck would i even live??

anyways TL;DR - as a person with some complex feelings about identity, and culture, and a person greatly interested in intersectionality due to my lived experiences, mamoru hosoda’s movies and their bullshit anti-intersectionality messages, again most likely unintentional but my brain read it as this, make me not like his movies.

[zolganif]

it doesn’t take much at all me for me to get that nervous feeling. i hate being in the house alone in the quiet, i will blaast my music so i don’t feel so alone. if i’m alone and around people i don’t know i always feel like i’m being talked about or some shit. i’m really fucking shy, like it’s actually really bad how i am with it. sometimes when i have too much going through my mind i don’t make sense when i’m trying to say it. i really don’t deal with making actual plans because then i feel like i’m obligated to shit. if i’m comfortable enough to give you a hard time and joke with you you should take it as a compliment,it means i really like you. i don’t really put my shit out there for people to know, i hate having people in my business. i haven’t slept in my own bed in a couple of days now.  i saw someone who was so damn good looking today that i literally did a double take. niiiice. i’ve pulled a hella funny prank on someone today that worked out perfectly. i love seeing cute older couples, it makes my heart melt. there is a place i love going to that feels more like home than the actual house that i’ve grown up in. i hate how when you just wanna enjoy what time you have left, out of spite it flies by making that almost impossible. i’m seriously waiting for this summer to start fucking happening mannn. i really really have doubt in there being actual decent guys left, because i haven’t come across any yet. the select group of friends i have are my best friends who i would do anything for and who i actually really do trust. a lot of people are putting pressure on me right now and i’m sick to my stomach at the idea of messing up and letting them down. i’ve gone swimming in a creek/river that a lot of people around where i live at know about. i don’t understand why you can’t do the same for me what i’ve done for you. i’ve had a store that i absolutely loved to shop at the now i can’t because their stuff went to shit. a pet peeve of mine is when i’m in the car and good music is on that i wanna sing to but another person is trying to have a convo that i don’t want to have at the same time. it’s awful, i know. but i will say something really mean/hurtful if i feel like i’m at too vulnerable a point with someone.

I cried at my high school graduation My cell phone is within arm’s reach I can see something with zebra print from where I’m sitting I usually listen to music when I take surveys I have a tumblr The walls in my room are pretty bare I have met so many people in my life that I love to death There are certain people on Xanga I find interesting There are a lot of empty cups in my bedroom I love driving with the windows down, music blaring, and the heat going on a summer night There is no better feeling in the world than being loved ^Orgasms are a close second though I love reading a good book that I can’t put down I have a ceiling fan in my bedroom I have done a few things that are against the law I’ve never had to have braces I have more than one TV in my room I’ve only slept with one guy I lost my virginity at age 15 Ke$ha is not overrated, she’s awesome I still have some stuffed animals in my room I have hung out with some of my friends today My very best friend is younger than me I sometimes judge people before I get to know them I love the song Maneater by Nelly Furtado I have more than one gay friend I’m a registered Republican, and I don’t care what you Democrats have to say about it I tend to get the most food cravings at night time My favorite kind of music puts me in the best mood ever I’ve done something my parents DEFINITELY wouldn’t approve of My mom has a lot of influence over how I view relationships I can admit it, I can be a bad friend sometimes I have a hard time letting people/things go I absolutely adore Lady Gaga I have a very short temper I tend to think I’m smarter than a lot of my peers ^I’m pretty sure I REALLY am though I come before others I don’t like to take medication I’m a pretty open minded person I think that going to bed before 12 am is early I love the show Say Yes to the Dress I won’t have sex with someone unless I’m in a relationship with them I love my pet with all my heart, and I don’t know how I’ll handle it when he/she isn’t around anymore Five years ago I would have never guessed I’d be where I am today I’ve never questioned my sexuality I don’t believe that everything happens for a reason I believe in the saying “I have to see it to believe it” I number my surveys

[thatpearl]

~Going to complain on the internet because I don’t want to burden my friends and I don’t have a therapist yea ~

Basically my mood has just been rough, and at this point I’m basically looking for justifications to hate myself and feel worse. And tbh I don’t really feel like getting out of this spiral because this my “law school thing” - It’s just what happens every semester. And over the summer I was actually a functioning person again not spending a majority of my free time ruminating on my failings or doing meaningless shit on the internet to avoid confronting them.  

But I went out with a guy twice and I was actually really optimistic for once because he seemed into me as a person and not just because I was a piece of ass. And then things faded out and he always ends any text convo by not replying, and pretty much all of the recent ones I’ve started. And we haven’t gone out for weeks. So pretty much I’ve resigned myself to this not being a thing, which on a conceptual level is fine, but on a much deeper level bugs me a lot. Because he has every right to not be into me, but I honestly kind of want to know the reason just so I can use it as another reason to hate myself. And it also reinforces what I’ve kind of known to be true for a while, which is that any decent guy who is decently attractive is not going to be genuinely interested in me because I am fucking weird and I understand that but I also I literally can’t change that and I resent myself for it. 

I was seriously thinking the other day that if I was given the button to completely eliminate the person I am and be someone attractive, socially skilled, reasonably intelligent and mostly a good person I’d be happy. I’d take it right away, even if I was super boring or had some emotional baggage or I had to have been born into a different family. And this isn’t meant to be a *pity me* kind of thing, I’m under the impression that my friends and family see at least some marginal value in the person that I am, but I personally don’t get any value out that person. The person that I am makes me cringe, makes me look away from the mirror, makes me resentful for all her failings. 

I could seriously keep writing on this stuff for ages. The bit with the guy made me realize how lonely I am and how much I’d love to have a partner I could trust and who would value and appreciate me, and we could be there for each other. I’d closed myself off to that for a while (and didn’t think it was something I wanted/needed) because I’ve known how slim the chances are of finding something like that for me and it didn’t seem worth the time and effort. And now I’m just more bummed than I was before because I realized that I really do want something like that, but it has to be with the right person. And I’m pretty sure the percentage of people who fit into my ideals and would also be into me is 0.01%. I’m not fucking romantic, I’ve got weird mannerisms and weird hobbies and weird facial expressions. I’m moody, I’m unresponsive to texts, I’m bad at asking questions and communicating in general. Sure I have things to offer, but it’s not much and most of what I’ve got isn’t actually of value in a relationship. 

This is such a downer. I’m still pretty miserable but I’m out of steam for articulating it. Peace.