#and i am now literally crying real tears at the thought of more people having to go through with this

[ptsd-tiger]

hey so, I know people will get mad at me for saying this, but I am very kindly asking y’all to destroy this mindset as soon as possible. extended honeymoon phases in relationships always leads to later abuse. this is because when later interactions do not uphold the same level of infatuation, someone will inevitably end up feeling like they’re no longer enough for the other person, causing a spiral of clinginess and agitation until one finally drops the other like a sack of trash.

if your life completely revolves around your partner, I literally do not care how “cute” everyone says you two are. you need to fucking get away before it’s too late.

"honeymoon phase" i am literally healthily insane and obsessed for the entire duration of the relationship. skill issue

[bokunoheros]

TAGS/WARNINGS: this fic will contain DARK CONTENT. MINORS DNI. AGELESS BLOGS DNI. reader and touya are childhood friends, kidnapping, reader does not consent to what touya’s doing, possessive/obsessive behavior, one-sided pain kink, no sex, no aftercare, hurt/no comfort,  this takes place after dabi broadcasts that he’s a todoroki, touya burns reader in multiple places, touya burns your clothes off, this is seriously fucked up content, this is not intended to be sexy or hot or anything like that, it’s literally just fully DARK CONTENT GENRE: DEAD DOVE: DO NOT EAT SUMMARY: touya intends to make you his—permanently. WORD COUNT: 1.4K 🦊’s A/N: whoa….. god help us all. this is my first seriously dark fic here and there will be plenty more to cum 💦

     “now—don’t be like that, doll,” dabi scolds you as he finishes tying off the rope at your ankles. currently, you were laying face down against the mattress, limbs pulled apart spread eagle style, blindfolded and terrified.

     when you were on your way home earlier tonight, you weren’t exactly expecting to be kidnapped in broad daylight. maybe it was your fault for taking that shortcut through that shadyass alley…. goddammit. now, you had no one to blame but your own dumb ass.

     what you weren’t aware of, however, was the fact that touya had been stalking you for weeks now—waiting for the perfect time to snatch you up. you see, he’d always had a bit of a crush on you since you were always there for him when you were children, someone whom he actively sought solace in. so, now that you were both adults and his feelings had time to simmer and intensify, he found himself thinking about you obsessively—he thought of you as something he just had to have; something akin to a doll he had to mark as his. and that’s exactly what he’d do.

     “please…. let me go!” you cry, tears dampening the cloth obstructing your vision. “i— i have — have to get home! i have people waiting for me!” you lie, wiggling around on the bed.

     he had taken you to some abandoned home—the family already dead and gone weeks ago, as touya had been planning this exact scenario for months now. and he finally has you exactly where he’s dreamt you’d be: struggling beneath him as he marks you as his permanently. 

     “that’s a lie and we both know that, sweets,” he spits out. “‘ve been watchin’ you for a while now, y’know…” suddenly his lips are right next to your ear, hot breath fanning over the shell of it as a chill runs down your spine. 

     “but, i’ll tell ya what: if y’can guess who i am, i’ll let you go free. sound good?” he proposes, meaning his words—he knows you’ll come crawling back to him once he’s through with you. you wouldn’t have any other choice, really!

     that being said, he activates his quirk on his hand and sets flame to the button down shirt you wore, and as a result, your bra as well, making you cry out painfully as the overwhelming heat consumes your upper body for a few long moments. …and then just like that, it’s gone and you’re left in just the stupid skirt you’d decided to wear today and your panties.

     now, with his quirk active on just his index finger, he brings it down to your naked lower back where he begins to spell out his name—his real name. 

     he did it tortuously slowly, though. taking his sweet time to make sure you could feel the stroke of each letter so that there would be no mistaking who he was.

     T…

     it’s all you can do to scream and bite down on the pillow by your head. the heat was beyond blistering, and you think you might pass out as he agonizingly traces the letters of his name.

     O…

     “jesus christ, owow–OW—OW–! fuck!” you scream-sob, tears streaming down your flushed cheeks from the searing pain as he mockingly praises you for being so brave. 

     U…

     suddenly, the realization of who he might be clicks amidst the pain, and it’s all you can do to cry; “t–touya!? b–but why?” 

     he doesn’t stop writing as he grins so widely, he pops a couple staples—the ones closest to his mouth—and continues spelling out his name before deciding to answer you.

     Y… A…

     perfect….. his handwriting wasn’t exactly the best, but it was undoubtedly his. just like you were.

     the last you’d seen him was on the news when he dropped the metaphorical bomb that was him being the eldest todoroki sibling. and before that? the night he supposedly “died.” so, not only was finding out he’s been alive this whole time a slap in the face, but now he has the audacity to kidnap and brand you? like you’re a piece of property!?

     “why?” he rasps out. “it’s pretty simple, really. …because you’re the only one who understands me—”

      “n–no! t– touya, this isn’t—” isn’t what? this isn’t him? this isn’t right? the touya you were once familiar with perished long ago and so had his morals.

     his hand comes down to strike against your ass with an awful, burning force, and you swear there’s an immediate handprint that forms. 

     your back arches instinctively, forcing your stomach firmly against the mattress, in attempt to escape his blazing touch, but touya doesn’t give you time to recover before he’s bringing the same hand down again, with just as much force and firepower as before, and you yelp loudly as you squirm against your restraints.

     “pl– please–! why me?”

     “i just told you—don’t tell me your memory’s that bad?” he quirks a brow up at 

      it’s true that you’d had a crush on the man now known as dabi back in your youth, but that crush died when touya did, forcing you to mourn both him and the feelings you harbored towards him. and now he comes back from the dead like nothing? did he even try to seek you out in all this time? 

     he had, actually, at multiple points; little “check ins”of sorts, if you will. observing from a distance, too scared to reach out.

     “n–no! ‘s’not! i just—! ow! fuck! touya, please!” 

     “you what?” he snaps, spanking your other asscheek this time.

     “fuck! ow–! touya, please! please!”

     his hand comes down again, harder and hotter than before and you bite your tongue so hard it starts to bleed, filling your mouth with an almost sickening coppery taste. rather than swallow it, you spit it out onto the bed, as far away from your face as you can manage, and touya laughs at the pathetic sight. 

     “you poor thing,” he coos mockingly. “maybe i should’ve given you something to bite down on—...oh well, it’s too late now,” he laughs cruelly as another idea comes to mind. next, he thinks he’ll carve the characters of his name into your back, rather than just the romaji writing, and right between your shoulder blades at that. 

     “t–tou—touya, i—” you swallow thickly, unable to think of anything but the pain, or if you’d ever get to go home again after this. part of you almost wishes he would just kill you so you wouldn’t have to live with this mark of him for the remainder of your life.  

     “you—” he cuts you off, “are not going to like what happens next.” there’s an inflection of sorts in his voice—he sounds… like he found humor in his own words, like whatever was about to happen next would be funny. 

     he sets flame to his pointer finger again and brings the searing digit down against your flesh, and the smell that arises as he carefully takes his time with each stroke of the characters needed to spell his name—even going as far as to use his former surname todoroki in the spelling, just to make it that much more agonizing for you.

     轟。。。

     you wail and bite onto the pillow, staining it with your blood, as touya burns your flesh for his own entertainment.

     燈。。。

     矢。。。

     there. now he could be done with you until you inevitably decided to seek him out—too embarrassed and full of shame to continue living amongst normal citizens; after all, being branded by a well-known villain and then being set free into society like it never even happened is sure to take a toll on one’s mind. 

     what are you gonna do? call the police? tell a pro? show them your new scars as evidence? the idea is laughable. 

     “there—we’re all done,” he says, leaning over your trembling form to burn the ropes binding your trembling form to the bed, quickly followed by the ones tied around your ankles. “i’m a man of my word, so you’re free to go,” he says with a deviant, slightly crooked smirk. 

     rather than immediately booking it, you curl up tightly into a ball as your body’s wracked with heavy, heaving sobs, processing the physical and mental pain as touya just chuckles at your pathetic self, getting up from the bed and putting his hands in his pockets.

     “well, see ya around,” he says, walking off as if he didn’t have a care in the world, leaving you to cope with your situation and what happens next.

return to KINKTOBER | LEAGUE OF VILLAINS M.LIST

[demonicelovator]

Okay so this is a bit dark, and I’m kinda hesitant to post it, but when the finale episodes were first coming out me and me friend talked about what would happen if Chase and everyone except for Buddy died and I came up with a sort of Ghost Chase au. I don’t have the motivation to do anything else with this idea but heres a drawing and little story based around it.

The story’s below the cut

....

He's dead.

Theyre all dead. Theyre dead and noone else cares except for me.

Its their own fauly. Chase shouldve just handed over his key when he could, if he had he could be living a normal life.

…

If he did buddy wouldnt have gotten attached. So attached that hes sat in his poor excuse for a room, desperatly trying to keep himself from crying so loud that he alerts the members of ex libris that hes back, getting comfort from his key of all things, and mourning the loss of the boy who onve inhabited the corpse currently slumped against him.

Buddy was pathetic, he shouldn’t have let it get to this point. He should have just gotten the heroine key and done his job before chase could find new keys, before Deacon and Prunella could start completing stories as well, before Buddy got close enough to Chase for him to feel a need to apologize to buddy, before they got trapped in a book that was being ruined somewhere in the real world, before Prunella and Deacon died, before Chase died, before-

“Hey!” Shouted violet, shaking him from his spiral of thoughts “Are you even listening to me? You need to pay better attention when people speak to you ***** the members won’t be happy with you if you space out like this in conversation!”

“R-right sorry..” it was hard to not sink into his own mind right now.

Violet huffed, changing to look a bit more sympathetic. “I understand that this is a lot for you, and that you want to greive the loss of this… boy.. but you need to at least pretend to act the same as usual! If they catch onto you…”

“I won’t let that happen”buddy whispered

“Good. Now you need to wipe those tears and make yourself presentable alright?” Violet put her hands on her hips, looking very stern. “You are going to go to ex libris, and say that the keyholders got trapped in a damaged book, rendering their keys useless, and you will turn me in to them. Under no circumstances will you mention the corpse in your room. Do you understand?”

“Yes, i understand. Can i just- can i have a moment first?”

“You’ve already had a moment *****!”

“Buddy.”

“What?l

“Call me Buddy.”

“Goodness, fine, just don’t ask the members to call you tha-“ Violet paused as Buddy pushed the miniature letter Chase gave him towards her. “What? What is this?”

“It’s a letter, for you.. Chase gave it to me, said it was from silver.”

“Oh.. Thank you.. Buddy.”

“You’re welcome, take your time.” Buddy began to lean against the bed frame, hands falling onto his lap. “Once your done I’ll get ready”

“Alright..” whispered violet, she seemed lost in her own world, absorbed by the small envelope she’d been given.

Buddy tilted his head back, resting it on his bed and staring up at the ceiling. He felt numb.

As Buddy was beginning to space out, he heard a voice whispering to him. Turning his head to try to find the source of the voice, he noticed a familiar face. Buddy jumped forward spinning around to look at the face.

“W- what the hell…” buddy whispered

“Wait! Hang on you can actually see me?” Chase said as he floated out from behind the bed, moving to float just over the edge. “Woah, thats awesome Buddy!”

“You- You’re supposed to be dead!”

“I am dead, thats literally my corpse right there dude.” He pointed as he began to sit.

“But- Chase, how can you be-“

“Ever heard of ghosts?”

“Buddy!” Violet interrupted “who are you talking to!?”

“Wh- you cant see him?”

“See who? Whatever, I’ve finished reading my letter, thank you for delivering it by the way, you need to get ready to meet with ex libris.”

“Yeah Buddy! Quit procrastinating and do your job!” Teased the ghost

“Leave me alone, you didn’t just cry for almost half an hour” Buddy mumbled as he walked towards the bathroom.

“Fair enough”

Buddy couldn’t understand how he could be so calm about this.

[lowkeychenle]

Like We Just Met [ZCL] (M)

Description: Everything else about the day is completely normal when Chenle realizes he wants to marry you. It hits him like a tidal wave, and he's itching to tell you just how much he wants to love you forever.

Genre: Fluff (literally SO MUCH FLUFF we love Chenle in this house go away if you don't) // Smut

Content Warnings: Explicit unprotected sex (it's actually sweet this time am I feeling okay), talks about marriage etc etc. Nothing really dark or upsetting in here.

Word Count: 11,292 (y'all I have no idea how this happened...)

Pairing: Zhong Chenle x Reader (feat. the rest of the Dreamies)

ISTJ 7Dream Series Masterlist

Juliet's Masterlist | Requests/Tell me what you think of this plz <3

Tag List (open for ISTJ 7Dream Series): @kunvibing

Author's Note: Lowkey? This was so fun because it's from Chenle's POV...or it's supposed to be haha. This is probably my favorite fic I've ever written catch me crying in the corner...also this gif don't mind the real tears in my eyes

Nobody questioned Renjun when he said he’d invited his friend to dance practice. They brought friends in every now and then, so it wasn’t anything new. Chenle was having a bit of an off day. He kept screwing up the choreography (that he’d done seven hundred times probably in the past week alone) and even accidentally elbowed Jaemin.

Renjun’s friend had yet to show up. Chenle was beyond frustrated with the way things were going, so he let everyone know he was taking a break. He grabbed his water bottle and stomped out of the practice room.

He ended up a bit down the hallway, resting his back on the wall with his eyes closed. All he needed was a break. That had to be it.

“Are you okay?” a soft voice asked.

When he looked at you, he recoiled a bit. He’d never seen you before—he’d definitely remember—but something about you felt familiar. Like a warm aura surrounded you and infiltrated him in the best ways.

“You’re Chenle, right?” You tilted your head at him. “I’m Renjun’s friend, (Y/N). I was supposed to watch practice, but I got lost. This building is pretty big.”

“Yeah, I’m Chenle.” He blinks at you a couple more times. “Um, we’re always in the same practice room. I’ll take you over there.”

“Actually, is there a place to get some water? I forgot mine at home.” You scratched the top of your head and scrunched up your nose. “It was really hot outside.”

“It’s on the way.” He gestured down the hall with his head.

You followed him without hesitation. He was acutely aware of every step you took, of how there was only a few feet between the two of you. Even though he had no clue what to say to you, you didn’t mind walking along in silence. It was unlike him to be shy. Next to impossible for him to be starstruck.

“How long have you known Renjun for?” he asked. And why the hell had you not come around sooner?

“Oh.” You took a deep breath and pursed your lips in thought as Chenle stopped to grab you a water bottle from the kitchen. “Four years now? Five? His family knows mine, so when I came back here, his parents told him he had to help me find my way around.”

“Well, today’s pretty laid back,” Chenle explains. “We’ll probably practice for another hour or two and then go home. We’ve been at it all day.”

You hum in response, opening the cap and taking a sip. “Thank you for this. Sorry to keep you from practice.”

“Don’t be. I’m ready to get the hell out of here.” Chenle chuckles, gaze drinking you in when you’re distracted by your water. “And…they can be a little…much at first. But they’re all great people, so you’ll be fine.”

“Bold of you to assume I’m nervous.” You narrowed your eyes at him playfully.

He bit back a smile, pressing his lips into a thin line instead. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

“Renjun has given me plenty of warnings,” you tell him.

He wasn’t sure why he hadn’t taken you to the practice room yet. The two of you stood in the kitchen, but he knew the second you were with everyone else, the conversation was over. He didn’t want to stop talking to you, and that odd feeling of warmth settled into his chest.

“Like what?” Chenle raised his eyebrows.

“He said you’re cranky and mean.” You smiled at him, and he swore he was almost knocked off his feet. There was something about you that drew him in.

Chenle made a mental note to scold Renjun later, but he’s not necessarily wrong…he was cranky until he saw you.

“Well, in that case, what he said about everyone else is probably accurate, too.”

“You don’t look cranky,” you interjected. “You’re not mean either. Mean people don’t get strangers water bottles.”

“I’m mean to Renjun. And Jisung.”

“They’re your friends. You get a pass for your friends.” You slid one of your hands into the back pocket of your jeans, rocking on the balls of your feet as silence befell the room.

“They’re waiting for me,” Chenle says. “We should go.”

You nodded in agreement and followed him. He sulked a bit when the other members were introduced to you. They were all nice—because they always were—but when it came time to get back to practice, he found himself gravitating toward you several times.

Nearly every time he looked at you, you were already looking at him, too. Maybe it wasn’t just him that felt the weird tug. He hoped it wasn’t.

After they wrapped everything up, Chenle sat against the back wall, feeling so heavy as if he could fall asleep right there. He was exhausted.

Jaemin, Jeno, Donghyuck, and Mark were already on their way out the door, leaving Jisung to slump next to Chenle and Renjun to talk with you. Jisung noted how he was watching you, but he didn’t say anything right away. He drank his water and stayed quiet.

You said something to Renjun, who smiled at you and nodded. He headed for the door and waited for you outside. When Chenle realized you were coming over to him, he shot a worried glance over at Jisung.

“Would you look at that?” Jisung cleared his throat. “Time for me to go.”

Before Chenle could even grab him, Jisung was halfway to the door. Once you were in front of him, you sat down and crossed your legs.

“You did really well today.”

He chuckled. “I think that’s the worst I’ve done this comeback season.”

“Then you’re in pretty good shape.” You shrugged, picking at the seam of your jeans. “I wanted to thank you. For helping me earlier.”

“It wasn’t that big of a deal,” he said. “You’re Renjun’s friend. Of course, I’d help you.”

“Right.” You brushed your hair over your shoulder and prepared to stand up. “I should go—”

“Will you be coming back?” The question shot out of his mouth, sending a blush to his cheeks in response.

“I’m not sure,” you told him. “That’s up to Renjun I guess. It was really cool to see how passionate you guys are.”

“Let me give you my number.” Chenle grabbed his phone from his pocket. “Um, just in case you get lost again. And need help finding the room.” He cringed at himself, hoping he wasn’t going to get rejected.

“Yeah, I’d like that.” You gave him the tiniest smile, but it made his heart flutter anyway.

He handed it to you with the contact app open. You didn’t even hesitate to type in your name and number. After, you sent yourself a text, and Chenle heard it ring in your back pocket. You gave it back to him, grinned, and left him sitting there in shock.

He couldn’t choose between staring at you as you left and looking down at your contact open on his screen. His stomach twisted with nerves, but the second he saw the smiley face emoji you’d put next to your name, he already knew.

You were going to be someone to him.

Mark drops something in the kitchen, snapping Chenle out of it. He looks at you, and you smile back at him. With you pressed into his side and your legs over his lap, he can’t help but grin right back.

His hand rests on your thigh, thumb sliding gently back and forth as he presses a kiss to your temple. He’d never get used to this.

After returning from the kitchen, Mark allows the game to resume. His nose scrunches as he glances between you and Chenle. “That’s a weird ass question.”

“Not weird.” Chenle shakes his head. “Critical thinking, Mark, you should try it.”

“Oh, be nice.” You shove his shoulder.

For a while now, Chenle has felt his feelings growing more than he thought possible. He’s already in love with you (thankfully, since you’ve been together almost a year now), but something about you lately has him on a whole other level. Even then, he’s not sure what it is. He decides he’ll ride it out for a while and see where it takes him.

“Why would you ask your girlfriend what year she’d take a time machine back to? Shouldn’t she be like…happiest now?” Mark asks, sipping on whatever mixed drink he’d prepared in Chenle’s kitchen.

“You’d think.” Chenle snorts, leaning back against the couch and throwing his arm around you.

“He asks me questions like this all the time,” you tell Mark. When you steal a glance at your boyfriend, his breath catches in his chest.

What the hell is going on with him lately? He can’t concentrate around you (even more than usual) and every tiny thing you do has his heart hammering against his ribcage. Soon enough, he’s sure you’ll both hear the bones crack.

“Has anyone, by chance, ever told you two that you’re gross?” Mark chuckles to himself and leans back in the recliner. “Some of us are single and lonely, you know.”

“Some of us will never be that again,” Chenle shoots back.

“Oh, you two are the worst.” Your laugh echoes pleasantly in his ears, and he subconsciously leans closer to you.

“I am curious what your answer is, though,” Mark interjects. “Since Chenle’s so sure.”

Chenle takes a sip of his own drink, nearly cringing at the bitter taste dragging down his throat. He’s not much of a drinker—social at best. But he can still appreciate the buzz and the hazy happiness that comes with it. You take his hand that dangles over your shoulder, twirling the friendship ring wrapped around his middle finger. The action is so, so simple, yet it makes his stomach turn.

If he doesn’t figure out what the hell’s going on with him soon, he’s gonna have to separate himself from you.

“Well, you’re right.” You shrug, shuffling closer to Chenle. “This part of my life has definitely been the best. But if I could go back to any time, it would probably be when we met. You only get to meet Zhong Chenle once in your life, dude. I’d do it over and over again if I could. The second I saw him, I knew he would be important to me.”

Chenle thinks back to the moment he first saw you. The way he couldn’t keep his eyes off of you like an actual child or the way he took in every detail of you to store in his mind forever—just in case he never got to speak to you again. He pauses, eyebrows furrowing slightly as he analyzes your answer.

Mark groans. “That doesn’t count! That was last year.”

Grabbing the pillow next to him, Chenle throws it at his friend. “Leave her alone, it was a good answer.”

But when he contemplates that thought, he’s not sure he understands what you mean. His ears burn, the tips of them turning red as he recalls how embarrassingly nervous he was around you all the time. How awkward all of your firsts together were. Everything now is so much better than back then.

Not to mention he’s looked at you the same way since that first night. His feelings for you have grown, sure, but those butterflies he used to get still torment him just about every time he sees you smile.

“Why?” Chenle finally asks.

“You were so cute,” you hum, shifting closer to him. “Everything made you nervous. You almost keeled over in embarrassment when you asked to hold my hand.”

Mark laughs, and Chenle sends a glare his way. No part of that is even anywhere near funny.

“Okay, it's your turn.” Mark gestures at you.

Chenle resists the urge to reach over and touch your face. Usually, he’s so much better about being so clingy in front of his friends and, while he would prefer Mark not seeing this side of him, he couldn’t care less when his gaze is locked with yours.

“Cool.” You nod, taking a sip of your drink. “Both of you. Hypothetical situation. Let’s say you’re drunk. You walk into a room and everyone you’ve ever loved is in there. Like…loved. Who are you going to?”

“Dude.” Mark’s jaw drops. “That’s such a shitty question for me.”

“You’ll live,” Chenle replies. “Just romantic love?”

“All of it. Platonic, romantic, family.” You purse your lips in thought.

Chenle doesn’t have to think about it. Not really. He’d rather get struck by lightning and then hit by a bus right after before admitting that so easily in front of Mark. In this case, it’s always been you. From the second you spoke to him for the first time, he was irrevocably yours. 

“You.” Chenle watches your eyebrows raise.

“Be serious,” you say. “Your parents are included in that.”

“I’m serious. You.” Chenle chuckles.

You give him a pointed look, but that’s when Mark cuts in.

“No, he’s for real. Like…that legitimately happened.” Mark leans forward, elbows digging into his thighs as he rests his head in his palms. “Do you guys not remember?”

“What are you talking about?” you ask him, frowning.

Chenle remembers. Barely, and it’s a bit foggy, but it comes back like a baseball bat upside the head as Mark starts telling the story.

Chenle’s birthday party last year. The night was barely halfway through and he was drunk enough to be stumbling over his feet. He’d heard you were coming, but he had yet to see you. Even when every other feeling was numbed by the tingling sensation the alcohol left behind, his craving to see you was all that remained. 

Mark walked next to him, having a full conversation with himself since Chenle was so fog-brained. As much as he loved Mark, there was only one person he wanted to see. Everyone he knew and loved was here—his parents, the rest of his group, and Jisung had somehow forgotten to uninvite Chenle’s ex.

He only ever dated one person before you, but he wasn’t sure he ever loved her. Regardless, there she was. Even with her standing across the room from him, he kept waiting like a lost puppy.

When you walked in, he swore the whole world stopped around him. Everyone but you was moving in slow motion before they eventually faded into nothing, darkness that was emphasized by the light you were. His breath caught in his throat, and he stopped walking.

Chenle couldn’t form a coherent thought while he stared at you, drunken stupor making it so much easier to forget the embarrassment. Mark watched him curiously as Chenle made his way over to you. He refused to waste any more time when he knew you were the one he wanted to talk to.

You had always been more confident around him than he was around you. Your face lit up when you saw him, wrapping your arms around him. He secured you in his grasp, breathing in the scent of your hair and the perfume you wore.

“Happy birthday.” Your voice is muffled a bit by his T-shirt. “Sorry I’m late, took a bit longer to get ready than I thought it would.”

He knew he should’ve let you go. People were starting to notice the way he was clinging to you, and not even being drunk could excuse that behavior. He was about ready to tell everyone except you to leave. Nothing else mattered. If he could spend his birthday with you, it would be the best one yet.

It’d been two months since Renjun had introduced you to the rest of them. Which means, he’s only known of your existence for two months, and you already command so much of his brain matter that he can’t think of anyone but you. Great.

He finally (reluctantly) let you go and led you over to the rest of the group. Nobody said anything when he made Mark scoot over so you could sit next to him. Nobody questioned it. His parents would ask him about it later, but until then, there was no reason for him to worry. After all, his crush on you was the most obvious thing in the world, so it was only a matter of time before you found out about it.

By the end of the night, he hadn’t spent enough time with you. People were starting to shuffle out, but you stayed, chatting with Renjun until only four remained. Chenle’s parents had gone to bed long ago. You were almost caught up to him on drinks, your laughs longer and your movements slower.

Under any other circumstances, he wouldn’t have been as brave as to walk up to you and ask you to stay the night. He didn’t mean it in a suggestive way, either. He just didn’t want you to leave yet.

“Chenle,” Renjun scolds, swatting his shoulder. “You can’t ask something like that so casually.”

“You want me to stay here? With you?” Your voice was higher than normal. Chenle accredited it to the alcohol raging in your system.

“I like when you’re here.” Chenle nodded. “You make everything calm.”

Renjun scrunched up his face, slamming his forehead into his palm. “(Y/N), you should probably go home—”

“No, it’s okay.” You brushed him off. “I’m okay with staying.”

Oh, he was in love with you. There was no other explanation for the way his heart skipped a beat when those words came out of your mouth.

Chenle doesn’t remember the rest of that night, but he does recall waking up next to you in the morning and freaking out. Alcohol made him brave, but it didn’t save him from the red-hot embarrassment of the next day.

“I didn’t even realize…” you trailed off, a small smile forming on your face. “You picked me.”

“I’ll always pick you,” Chenle responds easily, like second nature.

Mark decides it’s time for him to leave, but Chenle’s mind is still reeling with memories. With all of the firsts you said you wished you could relive. But no matter how hard he tries, he can’t figure out what the fuck this feeling is. As the two of you climb into bed, he’s so distracted, he can’t fall asleep, even with you curled into his chest.

“(Y/N),” Chenle groaned when he saw you in the practice room mirror. “You gotta stop showing up here if you don’t want me to fall in love with you.”

It was a joke. Sort of.

“Right, and let you forget to eat? I think not.” You fought back every time, unphased by the way he so casually admitted he’s starting to fall for you.

At least, that was his idea of admitting it.

You walked over with the bags in your hand, sitting down on the practice room floor next to him. 

“I haven’t even been here that long,” Chenle defended himself. “I would’ve eaten after I left.”

You unloaded the contents, opening boxes. “I can go if that’s what you want.”

“Not what I said.” For some reason, he felt a sudden burst of courage. He’s known you for four months at this point, and something about today felt…right. “I was serious, you know.”

“About what?” You grabbed the drinks from the carrier.

“You.”

“What?” You recoiled, looking at him in confusion.

He contemplated telling you to forget it. That it didn’t matter, and thank you for the food instead. If you didn’t feel the same way for him, he’d be devastated. And then you’d leave him for good and take all the food with you. He was starving.

“If you keep doing nice things for me, I’m gonna fall for you.” As if he hasn’t already.

You paused, but Chenle didn’t miss the blush on your face. Clearing your throat, you looked away from him and took a deep breath. His fists clenched as he awaited your rejection, but the longer the silence stretched, the more he felt you might want him to.

“Don’t say things like that if you don’t mean it,” you finally said and brushed your hair behind your ears. Reaching forward for the food again, you gave Chenle a shocked look when he grabbed your wrist.

“You’re right. I’m not going to fall for you. I already did.”

Your jaw dropped, eyes widening as his words settled in the air around both of you. With his heart racing, he released your wrist and intertwined your fingers instead.

“I really, really like you.”

“You should really eat your food before it gets cold.” You pulled your hand from his and pushed the box closer to him.

He stared blankly at the wall, noting the sudden chill on his skin that you left behind. A sinking feeling encapsulated his chest, and he knew he ruined everything. You looked like you were ready to run.

“Forget I said anything,” he told you. “I’m sorry if that was weird.”

“Eat,” you commanded again. “I’m not talking about this with you until I know you’ve eaten. If you don’t, we’ll go off on a tangent and you’ll be starving all night.”

“Does that mean you—”

“Yes, Chenle.” You interrupted him. “Yes, I really, really like you too, which is why I want to make sure you eat.”

At that moment, Chenle realized that if he walked outside and randomly dropped dead, he’d be okay with it now that he’s gotten that confession out of you. There wasn’t a damn thing that could top that. Everything else in life would be subpar to today, so there was no point in trying.

You and Chenle ate in silence. He kept stealing glances at you, catching you doing the same to him. If all he had to do in order to get you to talk about your feelings with him was eat, he’d do it, albeit probably a bit too fast for his own good.

Chenle runs his fingers through his hair, his thumb tracing gentle shapes against the bare skin of your arm. These memories have no business popping up in the middle of the night. He has practice tomorrow. He’ll be so off his game, the other members will want to kill him.

Usually, he has no problem falling asleep, especially with you right beside him. Over the past year, you’ve probably spent more nights with him than you have at your own place. He teases you for it all the time, but he wouldn’t have it any other way.

Closing his eyes, he listens to the soft sounds of your breathing and allows himself to feel the way your body slots with his so easily. Everything about you is perfect. About the two of you together. He would toss and turn, but no way is he going to disturb you. Even if he can’t sleep, he’d never screw up your schedule on purpose.

“It’s so pretty.” You were in awe, staring at the sunset from Chenle’s backyard. He’d set up a picnic date for the two of you, and afterward, you were watching the sun fade below the treeline while lying on top of a red blanket.

His fingers were intertwined with yours, something that had become so normal for you. Two weeks since his confession, and it was the second date he planned. He wondered, obsessed over, even, what your thought process was on all of this. Were you happy? Did he make you happy?

He wanted to kiss you when he confessed to you. And while he came close to it on your first date, he decided against it. It had to be perfect. Nothing was good enough for you in his mind, especially when all he wanted was to make sure you knew just how he felt about you.

How was he supposed to tell you that?

He’d already said he fell for you, but that didn’t begin to cover it. Not really. You made him want to put in effort, made him crave your happiness like it was the very oxygen he breathed. At the same time, he didn’t want you to think he didn’t want to kiss you. Hell, he’d already dreamed of it, for fuck’s sake, so that definitely wasn’t the issue.

Lost in thought, he’s only snapped out of it by the way you rolled over, lying on your stomach so you can get a good look at his face. You rested your head on your right palm, your left finding his bicep.

“You’re so perfect,” he hummed, twirling your hair with his fingers. “Could look at you forever.”

“Some people might have an issue with that.” You laughed.

“We’re the only ones that matter,” he responded.

Your smile slowly faded, a look of longing replacing it as your gaze softened.

God, he wanted to kiss you. He needed to.

All thoughts of the perfect moment have fled from his brain. Any moment would be perfect as long as it’s you.

He sat up and you leaned forward, and before he knew it, his nose brushed yours. Your eyes fluttered shut in preparation. The heat of the sun sank into his skin. Your perfume wafted from you, intertwining with the air and suffocating him in the best ways. If he could pick one scent to smell for the rest of his life, it would be yours.

Was it normal to have these thoughts so early?

Why was he thinking of that right now? Literally the worst possible time.

“Can I?” he whispered, scared to ruin everything.

“Yes.”

As soon as the word left your mouth, he kissed you. Everything about you was soft, so he shouldn’t have been so surprised to find your lips the same way. His hands shook as he touched your waist.

He was already in big trouble. There wasn’t a single part of him that wanted to stop there. His heart thudded so loud, he was halfway sure you could hear it, too. It felt like sparks flew between you two, absolute electricity coursing through every single one of his veins, heating up his bloodstream and making the thought of pulling away from you the absolute worst case scenario.

You moved away first, gasping for breath. Chenle craved tugging you back to him. His body reacted to you in ways it had never reacted to anyone else. He didn’t want to take it too far, but he sure as hell didn’t want to stop, either.

He couldn’t describe the way you felt. The way you tasted. Everything about you was so heart-achingly perfect, he wanted to experience you all the time. He wanted to rewind time so he could kiss you again for the first time, and he’d do it over and over and over again.

Something about first kisses set him on fire. He was absolutely sure he’d kiss you more. In fact, he was seconds away from it. But the adrenaline coming from the very first brush of your lips on his wasn’t something he’d ever be able to recreate.

“Again.” You leaned in once more.

He met you in the middle eagerly, hand finding the back of your head before he turned you so you were lying on your back. Half of his weight pressed against you, but he did his best to keep himself lifted up so you weren’t uncomfortable.

Unforgettable heat swarmed him, the sun caressing his skin as your fingers gently traced down the back of his neck. Goosebumps formed, but he could hardly pay attention to them. The entire world was gone, and you were everything, the only person remaining in a sea of nothingness. He wanted you. Needed you.

This was technically your second kiss, but in his mind, it was still the first since they happened almost at the same time. He hadn’t stopped to take a breath in much too long, but he’d rather suffocate than separate from you.

He stopped when your breath hitched, completely lost in the sound. When he wasn’t focusing on your mouth anymore, he realized why—his hand had somehow found its way to your upper thigh. His face burned as he removed it.

“I didn’t…” he trailed off, scanning over your face for any hint of what you were feeling. “I didn’t mean to do that.”

You chuckled at him, pushing his shoulder. “You wish that excuse would work on me.”

The sky faded into a beautiful lilac color, the kind that only appeared when the sun was barely peeking over the horizon. Clouds drifted effortlessly, stars beginning to shine.

“Should we go inside?” Chenle asked. “It’ll get cold without the sun.”

Whenever he looked at you, he knew you were different. He couldn’t place how, but nobody else had ever made him feel the way you do. Like his heart was going to burst out of his chest while simultaneously stopping and also skipping every other beat. He didn’t even know how he was alive anymore.

In the last two weeks since his confession, the boys had told him how much happier he was. How he was striving with more effort lately and trying his best at any given moment of the day. You were his motivation. You made him want to be the absolute best he could be, and even as new as the relationship was, he’d already known you for months—he was nervous about you deciding you wanted something else. Someone who wasn’t him.

The moment before replayed in his head, and he heard that breath hitch on repeat while he awaited your answer. He did his best to stop thinking about it, but nothing worked. All he wanted to do was kiss you again, over and over and over until the literal end of time.

“Yeah.” You nodded. “Let’s go inside.”

His cheeks redden just thinking of that memory. The first time he ever kissed you, and he royally fucked up because his hand didn’t know how to stay put. At this point, it’s clear he’s not going to be able to fall asleep. He hates the idea of leaving you in bed alone, but he’s only going to disturb you if he doesn’t plan on sleeping.

Sliding away from you carefully, he quietly gets up and heads into the kitchen. He runs his fingers through his hair. His hands down his face. He must be sentimental today, because he can’t stop thinking about you for the life of him. Every memory from the last year pokes at his head, and he has no clue how to handle it.

Patting his cheeks, he heads over to the fridge to grab a water bottle. Photos of the two of you are framed up on the wall. There’s one picture in particular he always says is his favorite, but he refuses to tell you why.

The two of you were sitting on the floor, and you had the cutest glare on your face. He sees the adoration gleaming in your gaze even though you look about ready to strangle him. In your defense, you probably were. He lets out a tiny laugh, tracing over the frame. 

There’s even one with Chenle between you and Jisung, and a group picture with you and the boys. Chenle loves his friends dearly, and the way they’ve welcomed you with open arms says a lot about both your relationship with them and his potential future with you. Everyone in his life loves you. You’re the one they call when Chenle’s upset or if he’s off his game, and no matter when or where this is happening, you show up to make him feel better.

He could be having the worst day of his entire existence, and a simple ‘I love you’ passing from your lips has him forgetting everything shitty about the world. Looking back at the pictures, he’s drawn back into memory.

He heard the birds outside his window before he saw the gleaming sun. His eyes fluttered open while he groaned quietly at the sudden change of brightness. Your body was like a fireball, your skin searing hot against his, but it did little to bother him. His groan turned into a sigh of content, and he wrapped his arms around you tighter. Fingertips trailing down your bare spine, he kissed your forehead.

Three months together, and every night spent with you made him fall deeper in love. He’d never known peace as he did at that moment. No interruptions, just the two of you basking in each other’s embrace.

He could’ve stayed like that forever—he wanted to, but glancing at the clock, he realized how close it was to noon. Jaemin would be there soon, and the last thing Chenle needed was him in his house when you were naked in his bed.

He reluctantly got up, dressing himself before grabbing some clothes for you. You have a drawer, multiple, actually, but he picked his own T-shirt for you to wear. When he made it over to you, you were stirring.

“You got up.” You pouted at him, staring at him through half-closed eyes. “And you have clothes on.”

Chenle laughed. “Sorry, love. Jaemin will be here soon.”

“It’s that late?” you asked.

Chenle nodded, setting the clothes down next to you. He kissed you softly, gently, a kiss so barely there it left you leaning forward to try to continue it. Cupping your cheek, he brushed his thumb along your skin.

You didn’t need help getting dressed, but he did it anyway. He loved the way you looked in his T-shirts, and even though it’s long enough to cover you, no way he’d risk it. Once you were finished, the two of you got ready for the day. You brushed your teeth together, he watched you brush your hair, and by the time you’re done, Jaemin was walking in the front door.

The three of you sat on the floor around Chenle’s coffee table, playing a game. He can’t remember what the game was anymore, only that you were terrible at it and that he loved winning.

Jaemin teased both of you the whole time, ruffling Chenle’s hair on multiple occasions. As much as he’d love to deny it, Chenle enjoyed that Jaemin liked the two of you together. It was almost like an affirmation, even if he didn’t need one.

Being the professional picture-snapper he was, Jaemin took the picture now hanging up on Chenle’s wall. You, with your arms crossed over your chest and a big pout on your face, and Chenle, smiling widely at you with such adoration in his eyes it should’ve been impossible.

“Lele?” Your soft voice breaks him away from his memory. He turns to you quickly, heart instantly halting in his chest when he sees his shirt on you.

“What are you doing up?” he asks.

“I was gonna ask you that.” You rub your eyes, feet shuffling on the floor as you walk over to him.

“I couldn’t sleep,” he replies and takes you in his arms with ease. “Didn’t want to bug you, sunshine.”

You don’t respond. All you do is bury your head in his chest and breathe him in. He runs his fingers through your hair, kissing the top of your head. With all the lights off, the only illumination is the full moon outside as it casts shadows on the ground. The faint blue makes you that much more ethereal to him.

“You okay?” he whispers.

“Mm,” you hum in response. “This is nice.”

Chenle smiles. “Yeah, it is. Always is.”

After a bit of silence and rocking you gently, an idea sparks. He pulls his phone out of his pocket, finding the playlist he made specifically for when he thinks about you, and sets it on the counter. You stare at him in tired confusion, but when one of his arms wraps around your waist, you catch on.

“What are you doing?” Humor is laced in your voice, but the sweet look on your face tells him his actions are making you happy. That’s his goal, constantly. All he wants is to make you happy.

“Checking something off the bucket list,” he replies, slowly turning you to the soft beat.

“Something’s missing,” you say as he twirls you.

He steals a glance at the way his shirt rides up your legs, showing just a peek of your panties beneath it.

“What?” he asks, pulling you back to him.

“Sing to me.” You place your hand on his chest.

His heart betrays him at that moment. It rages, and he knows you can feel it. Chenle sings in front of thousands of people all the time, but something about you is different. Something about you right now is different.

“What’s going on up in there?” You run your fingers through his hair. “You’ve been all weird today.”

“I can’t stop thinking about you,” he admits. “Everything. From the moment we met up until this…it keeps repeating over and over again.”

“Welcome to my world,” you replied, grasping his shoulders. You massage them gently as you sway along with the music.

The confession from you makes him smile. At least he’s not the only one doing constant circles in his head. He calms a bit, and when a new song plays, he sings to you. Your body immediately relaxes into his, as if every stress you’ve ever had has left you without hesitation.

Chenle loves to sing. He does it all the time, and he only wants to keep getting better. To have someone like you as his partner, someone who supports him endlessly and genuinely loves his voice…it’s unparalleled.

He’s not sure how long the two of you are like this, or how long he’s singing for, but song after song, all he knows is that you’re smiling. You’re looking at him with unmatched adoration in your eyes, pure love. Nobody else has ever looked at him in this way, and he doesn’t want them to.

He wants to stay here with you and watch you love him in ways he’s never been loved before.

He stops. His singing fades out, and he furrows his eyebrows as he finally, finally realizes what’s been happening to him. You tilt your head, able to ask him questions without saying anything. His chest feels like it’s going to burst.

You’re it. 

You’re everything, and he’s going to marry you.

He’s going to spend the rest of his life striving to make sure you love him as much as you do right now, if not more.

It seems like you feel it, too. Your face softens and you reach up to trace along his cheekbone. He leans into your touch, chasing the warmth like it’s the last time he’ll ever feel it.

“I…” He takes a deep breath, shaking his head slowly. “I’m so fucking in love with you.”

“I know.” You grin so wide, Chenle almost thinks it’ll split your face in two.

“Good.” He brushes your hair behind your ear. “I hope I’m doing a good job in showing you that every day.”

You pause, hands trailing down from his cheeks to his shoulders. “I have never once doubted that you love me, Lele. Are you sure everything’s okay?”

“I promise you I’ve never felt better,” he replies. “Just checking in with you.”

“You do so much more than you realize. No matter how busy you are, you text me to tell me you love me or that you’re thinking about me. You practice non-stop with the boys but you still make an effort with me when you could easily use that as an excuse. There is not one thing I could ask for that you don’t already do.” You press a quick kiss to his lips. “I’ll never doubt you.”

“Sometimes I worry,” he admits. “You make me…want to be better. In every way possible. In my career, in my life, with you. And if I’m not being better every day, then I don’t deserve you.”

“Chenle.” You give him a pointed look. “When I think back to the first day we met, I remember how…how you acted from the first time you spoke to me. At the time, I really thought I was crazy, but I knew you’d be someone to me. You didn’t even know me, but you were so kind. And now that we’re here like this, you haven’t changed. There’s no getting better. You’re already the best.”

“How do you do that?” He chuckles, kissing your forehead.

“Do what?”

“Know exactly what to say.”

“That’s my special talent,” you tell him.

“We should get back to bed,” Chenle says, sleep weighing on him. “Meeting the boys tomorrow.”

He grabs his phone from the counter, his heart full and warm as he leads you back to his bedroom. This time, as he’s lying with you pressed to his chest, he’s able to fall into his dreamland.

Despite his lack of sleep, Chenle is full of energy the next day. He wakes up and makes you coffee just the way you like before sitting on the edge of the bed by your sleeping form. When he sets the cup on the nightstand, you stir, turning over to face him.

“You’re gonna be late,” you mumble, even though you have no idea what time it is.

Chenle chuckles, leaning forward to kiss your forehead. “I’ll see you in a bit, okay? You can stay here if you want. Wanted to tell you I love you before I left.”

“Love you, too,” you say with a tired smile, giving his hand a squeeze.

“Drink your coffee before it gets cold. I’ll grab dinner for us on my way back.”

Walking away from you feels like someone’s trying to rip his heart out of his chest. You’re an extension of him at this point, and after his sudden realization last night, all he wants to do is spend the day curled up with you.

Luckily for him, his day passes by pretty quickly. He got a lot done today, and he was proud of that. You’d be proud of him, too. He’s itching to get home and tell you everything that happened. Staying true to his word, he picks up your favorite takeout.

He’s going to be honest with you about what was going on with him yesterday. It’s the right thing to do—and in a perfect world, you’ll feel the same way he does. He hasn’t felt this nervous since he admitted his feelings for you. Even though that side of him feels worlds away now, he remembers it like it was yesterday.

But the restaurant isn’t the only stop he makes.

He’s shaking by the time he gets back. Is a year really enough time? It is for him, but what if you think he’s insane?

When he arrives, he’s not expecting what you’ve done at all. The main lights are off, but a dim golden glow from the strips along the wall and the candles illuminate the room enough. He sets the bag down on the table, completely forgetting about the food as he searches for you.

“(Y/N)?”

“You’re earlier than I thought you’d be,” you tell him, walking out of his bedroom while still putting in an earring.

His throat dries. He opens his mouth to speak, but no words could ever justify the way you look right now. You put on a dress, one of his favorites, and he’s in jeans and a T-shirt.

You kiss his cheek. “I figured you deserve something nice to come home to.”

“You’re my something nice.” He wraps his arm around your waist. “Should I change?”

“We’re not going anywhere.” You shake your head. “Just relax and enjoy your gorgeous girlfriend.”

“Oh, I can get on board with that.” He allows you to lead him back to the table.

Once he’s taking the food out of the bag, he keeps stealing glances at you. You put in all this effort for him, and he knows how much work it must’ve been to hang up all these lights. The golden glow looks ethereal against your skin.

“Before we eat, there’s something I wanted to talk to you about.” He clears his throat to stop it from collapsing in on itself, but it doesn’t work.

“What’s up?” You set your elbow on the table and rest your head on your palm. “Is everything alright?”

“Everything’s perfect, actually.” He takes a deep breath, reaching to grab your free hand. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.” You bite back a laugh.

“You can’t make fun of me for what I’m about to tell you.” He gives you the most serious look he can muster, and you nod.

“I wouldn’t do that,” you reassure him. “Tell me what’s on your mind.”

“I…I want to love you forever.” He gulps. “And when I think of everything we’ve gone through and been through together, I seriously can’t imagine ever trying to have anyone else fill this spot you hold in my life.”

You perk up a bit, gaze staring into his. God, he loves how interested you are in what he has to say. How you’re listening to him so intently. His thumb rubs over your knuckles as he tries to think of the words he wants to use.

“I want to marry you. Call me crazy if you want, tell me you hate the idea, that’s fine, but I had to tell you. We obviously can’t get married now, or probably any time soon because of my contract, but I want you to know that it’s what I want. It’s what’s going to happen if you want it, too.”

You clear your throat and cover your mouth with your hand, eyes welling. Chenle’s heart aches seeing this reaction, knowing you feel as strongly as he does. He reaches into his pocket and puts a small box on the table in front of you.

“It’s not the real thing. Not yet. But I want you to know how serious I am, because if I was able to marry you, I would’ve done it yesterday.” He opens it, revealing a simple band in it. “Subtle enough where people won’t ask questions, but we’ll know.”

“Chenle, are you being serious right now?” You sniffle. “This is a very cruel prank.”

“The guys and I sat down together today to write a song. I think you’ll love it, so when we record it I’m sneaking you a copy. Anyway, we were there for twenty minutes, and words were just flowing out of me. I wrote about you. About how you make me feel, and I think anyone who knows about us will understand that when they listen to the song.”

He pauses to swallow past the lump in his throat.

“I want you. I want to marry you and spend the rest of my life proving to you why I deserve that. Let me put this ring on you, and this can be the start.”

You quickly wipe your face as you nod. He takes your left hand, grabs the ring out of the box, and slips it on your middle finger.

“One day, this will be real.” Chenle catches another one of your tears. “I love you. There is not one thing in this world that could change that.”

His heart pounds in his chest as he watches your reaction. He wants to touch you and kiss you after pouring his thoughts out to you, but he needs to make sure you’re feeling the same way. The last thing he wants to do is overwhelm you.

His palms are sweaty and he can barely sit still. You groan, giving one last aggressive swipe below your eyes before you launch up from your chair and end up in his lap. You bury your head in his neck, squeezing him tighter than you should. He instinctively wraps his arms around your waist, softly chuckling at your outburst.

“You better not change your mind.” Cupping both of his cheeks, you try your best to look angry. “If you do, I’m marrying you anyway.”

His own vision blurs at the sight of you. You love him as much as he loves you, and you want to be with him forever.

You want to be with him forever.

The emotions rioting inside him surprise even him, and he blinks quickly to try and suppress the tears. It’s no use, because as soon as you notice, you start crying again. He groans and drops his head back on the chair, squeezing you closer to him.

“You’ll be the death of me,” Chenle says.

“Kiss me, you idiot.”

He doesn’t need to be told twice. His mouth finds yours, both of you falling into each other’s rhythm. Saltiness from your tears lingers on your lips. He weaves his fingers through your hair, but no matter what he does, you’re just not close enough.

Pulling away from you, he rests his forehead on yours. “You should eat, sunshine.”

“You expect me to be able to eat after all of that?” You furrow your eyebrows. “I’m afraid that’s not possible.”

“You’ll be sad if it gets cold,” he reminds you.

“I don’t think I’ll ever be sad again,” you whisper.

All thoughts escape him. Nothing else exists except for you, wrapped around him like a damn koala bear. He rests his hand on your thigh and lets your words sink deep into him.

Moments like these are hard to explain, he thinks. He’s only like this around you, so lost in his connection with you that he’s got nothing else on his mind. Anything and everything you say to him is tattooed in the darkest ink on his soul, until he’s covered in everything he wants to be for you.

“Promise me you’ll always look at me like that.” You break the silence, running your fingers through his hair and smiling.

“I promise.” He nods, barely realizing how he’s leaning forward.

Your eyes flutter shut as he inches closer. He kisses you softly, almost as if he fears he’ll break you. His fingers splay out across the small of your back and he traces shapes into the soft fabric of your dress. You’re overwhelming. His love for you is, too. So much so, he feels as if he’s going to burst out of his skin. He’s going to wake up and everything will have been a dream, because there’s no way he’d ever done anything in his life to deserve someone like you.

You hum into his mouth, rolling your hips once. His breathing stutters as his first instinct is to lift toward you. At first, he wants to stay like this, you clinging onto him like you’d be lost without him, but when you grind down a second time, he feels a twitch in his pants.

It’s been over a week since the last time he’s been inside you thanks to his schedules. And now you’re on top of him, wearing his favorite dress of yours, and kissing him like you’ll never be able to feel him again after tonight.

He’s tired, but he’s never too tired for you. Brushing your hair away, he leans down to kiss your neck, licking the expanse of your soft skin. Your pulse thunders beneath his tongue, and he has to fight the urge to bite down.

Touching you like this is different when he knows he’ll never lose you. You’re his forever.

His lips press against the sensitive spot below your ear, and the short moan escaping you just about sends him up the wall. When he pulls away to get a good look at you, your eyes are dark, lips already swollen from the way he kissed you.

He tries to catch his breath while he silently asks you if this is what you want. You nod, wrapping your arms around his shoulders. Standing, he lifts you up until your legs are secure around his waist, and he grabs your ass with one hand and the back of your head with the other.

Mouths attached, he doesn’t separate from you until he’s setting you down on his bed. He barely has time to appreciate the candles you lit in here, too, the soft scent of vanilla flooding his senses. You already try to push his T-shirt up, anything to feel his skin on yours. He obliges, pulling it over his head before returning to kissing you like his life depended on it. When your hands find the button on his jeans, he grabs your wrist.

“Patience, baby.” Chenle runs his fingers up and down your thigh. “We have the rest of our lives. Let me take my time with you tonight.”

Just like that, you’re putty in his hands. He smirks at the realization. Sneaking his touch up your leg, the hem of the dress moves to accommodate him. He stops when he feels the lace of your panties.

“Did you dress up for me twice, sunshine?” he hums.

“Always,” you say, shamelessly staring at his lips. “Do you love me, Chenle?”

His whole body vibrated from those words. They made him feel at a frequency he hadn’t quite reached yet, and all he wanted to do was rip that damn dress off.

“More than anything.”

He can’t really say it’s ‘like second nature’ anymore. There’s nothing second about it. This is you. Anything to do with you is first nature, no matter what it is. His world revolves around you, everything he does is based on what you want, and he wouldn’t change that in any way.

“Show me,” you whisper, so intoxicating he almost crumbles to his knees right in front of you.

How embarrassing that all it takes is two words to have him give in to you. He’s straining against his pants now, his cock aching to be free and buried inside you.

“Don’t worry. I will.” He kisses you again, soft and sweet like his hand isn’t so, so close to your dripping, eager core. Heat radiates from you, and all he wants is to be consumed by it.

He drags your panties down your legs, nails gently scratching your skin on the way down. Your chest rises and falls quickly as you try to regain your breath, but he loves the way you’re so desperate for him. The way you want him just as much as he wants you.

He doesn’t want to be patient anymore. Every cell in his body is urging him to connect with yours, but he wants to take care of you. That side of him always wins, otherwise both of you would probably be done already.

His finger dances along your entrance. He inhales sharply as your wetness coats his skin. You move your hips toward him, practically begging him for stimulation. He teasingly nudges your clit, pleasantly surprised by the way your body jolts.

Mouth brushing yours, he takes the second of distraction to slide two fingers inside you. As your lips part to release a moan, he mirrors the action, eyes fluttering shut as he slowly, slowly thrusts his hand.

Your walls squeeze so hard, he curses. He could fuck you a thousand times, and you’d still be as tight as you are right now. His heart goes straight into overdrive, but all the blood in his body is shooting down to his cock. He’s painfully hard, rocking back and forth gently.

He kisses you, lips working against yours in a perfect harmony. Your sounds are his favorite. He loves knowing it’s him making you feel this way, that he has the power to make your knees weak and your pussy throb.

He lets out a moan when he scissors his fingers, trying his best to prepare you. God, you’re so warm and wet and tight, he isn’t sure if he’ll be able to last long tonight. His pace quickens, sounds of your slickness filling the room.

You call out his name, back arching as you grasp desperately at his shoulders. He leans in and kisses your cheek, making sure to press his palm into your clit every time he’s knuckle deep. 

“You’re perfect, baby,” he whispers with his lips against your ear, voice rough. “I love you so much. So fucking much.”

You tense, pussy clamping down hard on his fingers as your hips buck. He swears he can see the pleasure running up your spine in the way you arch and shake. Your nails dig into his shoulders, but he’s not in the right mind to care. Your mouth opens, sounds pouring out as you finish. He loves you all the time, but one of his favorite looks on you is when he watches you orgasm—your face so overcome with pleasure he caused…he would never get enough of it.

He keeps moving until he’s sure you’ve come down from your high. When he brings his fingers up to his mouth to suck your juices off, you watch longingly, the dark look in your gaze enough to have his cock twitching in his pants.

You slide off the bed, forcing him to take a couple steps back. He’s not sure what you’re going to do at first. Your struggle to reach your zipper, and as much as he wants to bend you over with the dress still on, he wants to be gentle with you tonight. He doesn’t get to make love to you often, and that’s all he’s going to do tonight.

Instead of watching you attempt to reach it, he turns you around and pulls you to him until your back is against his chest. His hand is splayed out across your stomach, holding you so you feel how hard he is.

“I’m going crazy,” you mutter, dropping your head back. “I need you so bad.”

He moves your hair out of his way, kissing the base of your neck quickly before he unzips you. Moving slowly on purpose, he lets his finger drag along your spine on the way down. You shiver, pushing yourself back into him.

“I’m gonna make love to you.” He finally lets himself bite down on your shoulder as he nudges the straps down. “For the rest of our lives. Nobody but me.”

“Nobody but you,” you respond, allowing the dress to pool at your feet.

He turns you around, hands immediately finding your ass and squeezing it. Within seconds, he has your bra unclasped and across the room. “So beautiful.”

When your hands find his jeans, he doesn’t stop you this time. You push them down his legs, desperate to have him inside you. Once his jeans are off, you palm him through his boxers, and he needs you so badly, that simple touch almost finishes him off. That would’ve been embarrassing.

He takes off the remaining fabric separating you two before leading you over to the bed. You lie in the middle, and he climbs on top of you. He kisses you passionately, tongue already dancing with yours, both of you more than ready. His cock is so hard, he’s only half convinced he won’t cum as soon as he’s in.

He nudges your clit with his leaking tip, moving down to your entrance to apply just enough pressure before pulling away. You whine, desperate for more.

“Chenle, please.”

His head dips down as he continues teasing you, wrapping his lips around your nipple. You whimper, running your fingers through his hair. Having you so desperate for him makes him want to give you everything you’re asking for, but something makes him wait.

“Please,” you cry out, lifting your hips up. “Need you.”

He’s ready to fall apart from you words alone. Pulling away from your chest, he reaches down to line himself up with you. He watches you closely as he pushes his throbbing cock into your quivering pussy. Your eyes roll back as you arch into him.

Your walls swallow him, velvet clamping down on him. He clenches his jaw as he bottoms out and fists the sheets next to your head.

“So perfect,” he whispers, kissing your jawline.

One of his favorite things about you is how unafraid you are to look at him. Pleasure weighs on your eyelids, and you try your best not to close them, but even like this, you never look away.

He’s fully inside you, his cock seated within your fluttering walls. The last thing he wants to do is overwhelm you, so he gently rocks his hips to help you adjust. He kisses you everywhere he can reach.

“You always take me so well,” he praises you, nipping the base of your neck.

He’ll never get over how perfectly he fits between your legs, like this space was made for him.

“Move,” you tell him, smacking his shoulder.

He lets out a soft chuckle, but lowers his mouth to yours as he starts a steady pace. You squeeze him so tight, it’s like your body doesn’t want to let him out of you. He pulls out until his tip is barely inside, and then pushes back in just as slowly. It wreaks havoc on your body, your wetness squelching every time he moves.

He wants you to feel all of him. Feel the entirety of his cock rubbing your walls with every thrust.

Somehow, it’s hotter this way. A thin sheen of sweat covers his skin as he takes his time with you. Sure, he gets sweaty when he fucks you, but nothing compares to the close intimacy of love making—his chest brushing against yours with every thrust, long, sweet moans filling the otherwise quiet bedroom.

“You sing so pretty,” Chenle mutters, tonguing the sensitive spot below your ear. “You like the way I feel?”

Before he can even process what you’re doing, you wrap your legs around his waist and roll until you’re on top of him. He’s flat on his back, eyes flitting along your body like he hasn’t had a real chance to see it yet.

Candle light illuminates your skin, and the sight makes his cock twitch. He runs his hands along your sides, squeezing your hips.

Chenle likes being in control. He likes guiding you in a way that has you both in shambles by the end, and he truly underestimated how beautiful you’d look on top of him. You lift up, teasing him as slow as he was moving with you, but between the sight and the feeling, he feels an all too-familiar tingling sensation at the base of his length.

It’s too soon for him, so he decides to tug you down, holding you there while his eyes close and his head thuds against the mattress. He doesn’t need to say a word to you.

“Chenle.” You stroke a hand down his chest. “It’s okay. You don’t need to hold back for me.”

“Just…need a second.” He gulps.

When he finally catches his breath, he sits up, chest pressing against yours.

“This was supposed to be about you,” he says, moving back slightly to fit his hand between the two of you. “Showing you my love and everything.”

He finds your clit with his thumb, staring at you intently as your wetness makes it easy for him to rub circles. His other hand still firmly grips your waist, which only allows you to squirm instead of bouncing on him like you crave to do.

“I need to move,” you whimper, grinding down. “Please.”

He nods, loosening his grip on you. You brace yourself on his shoulders, finally taking his cock the way you want it. His nails dig into your thigh while he continues his work on your bud, and it only spurs you on. You move faster, no doubt trying to chase your orgasm.

His moans get louder, matching yours. If his hands weren’t so occupied, he’d want to squeeze your ass or tweak your nipples. Anything to bring you higher. He changes the patterns his thumb rubs, and it’s like a jolt of electricity runs through your body.

You curse, dropping your head on his shoulder as you nod. “Don’t stop, Lele.”

With both of you hanging so close to the edge, he waits until you’re sitting back down on his cock to buck his hips up. He doesn’t want to finish first, but he’s so close, all the warning signs of his impending high are getting far too real.

“Gonna cum,” he tells you, releasing your thigh to grab your ass.

Your walls clamp down on him hard, a long, pleasured sound escaping you as you grind down on him. Back arching, your head falls back. Your orgasm hits both you and Chenle like a freight train, and within seconds, everything inside him explodes, and he’s spilling his cum deep inside you while telling you over and over again that he loves you.

You crumple into his chest. He runs his fingers through your hair, whispering praises to you between head kisses.

“I’m gonna lay you down, sunshine,” he says.

You nod, and he turns you so he can put your back on the mattress. He carefully pulls out of you, putting his boxers back on before going into the bathroom to grab you a towel. This is one of his favorite ways to see you. Your eyes are closed, hands on your cheeks. You look like he’s fucked all the energy out of you, and he loves that he has the capability to do that.

He cleans you up, then grabs a clean pair of panties for you and one of his T-shirts.

“I have an idea,” he says.

“What is it?” You wrap your arms around him.

“You pick whatever movie you want, and I’ll go warm up your dinner?” He raises his eyebrows at you.

You fake a gasp. “Are you saying you’re going to feed me in bed?”

“After all of that, I’d agree to just about anything you want.” He chuckles when you shove his shoulder. Grabbing your hand, he twirls the band on your finger. “Wait here for me?”

When he walks out of the room, he stops at the doorway to watch you excitedly lunge for the remote. It doesn’t take long for him to warm up the food, turn off the lights, and blow out the candles in the kitchen.

The rest of the night is spent with the two of you sitting against the headboard, laughing along to your favorite movie while eating your favorite takeout. So many thoughts have come and gone from Chenle’s brain in the past couple days alone, but he’s more than happy he gets to sit here with you every night for the rest of his life.

He’s lost in your laugh and the way you smile at him and how you make his heart race with the simplest things. None of the other members knew about the ring he bought you, but he’ll tell them soon.

After the food is gone, Chenle cleans it up. There’s still half a movie left, so when he gets back, he pulls the comforter back so you can cuddle up to him for the remainder. Even though the candles have long since been put out, vanilla still clouds the air.

“Love you,” Chenle whispers, kissing your temple.

“Love you, too.” You sigh in content, resting your head on his chest.

He knows that means you’re only seconds from sleep, and he rubs your arm soothingly. The movie continues to play, but neither of you are paying attention anymore—you’re asleep, and Chenle’s thinking about what kind of wedding dress you’ll wear.

[emotsper]

Hi!!!!!!!!

You’re like the szai person on tumblr, and even tho I’ve been playing proseka for like two years, I still don’t read a lot of the stories………

So as the certified szai tumblr person, since you kinda own the tag, would you like to explain to me why szai is such a popular ship? I really didn’t read much of anything…

Have fun!!

let me be brief (1/350) (no bc its actually gonna be a long ramble. apolocheese.) (also sorry if formatting is awful im a mobile user and I literally just type whatever)

FOR REAL THOUGH. PLEASE JUST DO ME A FAVOR AND READ MMJ MAINSTORY...... not only its a good source of szai cocaina you get to experience the entire mmj mainstory. i was normal before mmj mainstory and i was less normaler after mmj mainstory.

it simply went even more downhill when i read tenshi no clover. genuinely the one event story that first made me cry (second one was ice drop event but thats a bit biased)

okay now lets get to the main meat of it. szai.

admittedly i was kind of normaler early on but one of my tipping point was Chasing the radiance event especially chapter 7. please read/watch it. please. this specific chapter sent me into my trip of insanity when it comes to szai. it also opened my eye to specific scenes in their side stories/mmj mainsto that i skimmed early on especially bc im a jp only player so fan tls may not be super accurate back then 💔

to start off, airi was a girl that was often made fun of for being tomboyish, and seeing idols for the first time made her feel a glimmer of hope that maybe she can also bring hope to other people. she finally manages to reach her goal and became an idol after several of failed auditions (very deserved especially after her hard work) while shizuku became an idol purely out of luck from the idol grand prix context her friends convinced her to join 😭😭 From the start their relationship feels a little bit doomed with how jealousy is kind of unavoidable from airis side. but against all odds, you get to see airi go to shizuku and cheering her up by giving shizuku her towel and telling her to wipe those tears especially with such a pretty face like hers (MACHINE CLANG CLANG RACK SFX) they are so crazy for this. especially when you realize that shizuku kept the towel until now. (the towel is her area upgrade item)

from this point, airi thought nothing much of shizuku yet other than her being her new rival (and that shes rly pretty) but shizuku sees airi as her main reason to keep going in this idol stuff at that time, and that was enough.

(okay purely for this next part im forgetting a bit so do remember it may not be fully accurate 🙏)

after training minori for awhile, szai went thru a mini divorce arc where airi was telling minori that being an idol isnt all fun and games and that minori should consider quitting, continuing on with how she flopped in the industry bc she was more popular as a reality show figure. but shizuku disagreed and kept saying how airi was an idol through and through and that she shouldn't have quit, but that just tipped airi off and she shouted at shizuku, unloading all her pent up jealousy that she had for awhile now. iconic as hell scene in the most angsty way possible.

u can easily tell this wasn't received well by shizuku. at all. airi you done fucked up. shizuku left her idol group the next day.

(addendum i forgot to add. shizuku truly believed that airi was the first and if not, the only person who sees shizuku as shizuku hinomori herself, without all the idol filter that people plastered on her. so when airi admitted that she was jealous w shizuku getting everything good in the industry, that basically broke shizuku. (color of myself is a nice one to read when it comes to this 🙏 also the i am we are event is a crazy good conclusion to shizukus current arc))

at this point airi realizes just how much shizuku was influenced by her past actions without her fully knowing about it. girl you done fucked up.

this scene is still one of the biggest and strongest kryptonite for szai fans. especially with what happens after.

after confronting shizuku about her choice knowing full well its airis fault, airi, angry at herself, goes immediately to cheerful*days training place (she knows the place since theyve kinda shared the spot iirc) while the rest of mmj follows. she started threatening arisa and almost threw punches but she held back and told the rest of cheerful*days that shizuku is more of an idol than everyone in the room (i may be hallucinating this one. do lmk)

they finally leave the place, and both apologies to each other. at the same time, they both admitted that they were each others idol

and then shizuku goes to tackle hug airi. what the queer

that only concludes the mainstory section btw. upon realizing it may be too much of a recap instead of actual explanation ill be brief w the rest of it (keep in mind i dont read EVERY szai story, just ones i was made aware of bc im playing on jp and story content is a bit harder to see/consume)

Main szai crazies for szai fans

1. chasing the radiance ch7. airi yet talks again about how shizukus hands are slender and elegant while hers are short and chubby (she compared her hands to a manju) and shizuku was mad at her about this and went on a long tangent about how airis gentle hands were the ones who pushes minori and shizuku forward when they think they couldn't.

this is probably the fifth time ive read this story and it still gets me. i hate these fruitsssss. please read the full chapter ive linked it near the start this chapter is so special to me.

2. my ideal idol (airi 5, jp only event for now)

Bro i Dont Even Know What Else To Say. Just Look At This Card

but if we're being serious . lets talk about this one specific card and the story shall we.

this card was a blast to the past; pre-mmj szai again.

we start off with present mmj getting ready for their turn in the joint performance with a new junior idol group that they were paired with. airi was a bit nervous and shizuku noticed it. so she offered to do something that would hopefully lessen the nervousness for both of them. shizuku softly puts her head on airis back and whispered several word of encouragements. shizuku reminisces to the past.

pre-mmj szai. shizuku was very nervous as she was waiting for her first performance ever as an idol. airi was also there, and it was going to be her first too. airi shows up to say hi to shizuku but she noticed that shizuku was really nervous and at the verge of crying. airi knew she had to do something and told shizuku to turn around, shizuku did. shizuku lets out a little surprised yelp as she feels airis hands and head pressing against her back. she could hear airi muttering some encouragement but we never get to hear what the words were, only that shizuku thought about how warm airis hands were. (i need to be euthanized)

back to the present, shizuku says that she hopes that this gesture can somehow "repay" for what airi did to her back then. i think im losing it. sorry

OKAY IM DONE IM DONE ITS ALMOST 1 AM MY BRAIN IS NOT GOING TO WORK ANYMORE IF I KEEP TYPING..... my brain can handle so little. anyways i hope this wall of text ramble can convince u to read mmj mainsto and consume more mmj stories........ i admit its not perfect or whatsoever bc i haven't read the mmj mainstory for awhile and i have a wee memory issue thats paired with my deafness so. yeah. enjoy. haha.

[bluehoodiewoozi]

Seventeen as fake dating scenarios

⟪‘97 + ‘98 + '99 line version⟫

other versions: ⟪‘95 + ‘96⟫

SEOKMIN: dumb and dumber.

He sighed as the two of you walked through the mall, hand-in-hand. You had asked him to go dress-shopping for your friend’s wedding. He was starting to think it was overkill – still, he could never say no to you.

“Okay, what’s bothering you?” you asked him. You were no fool: he’d been sighing every five minutes since you left the car.

He hesitated. “Isn’t this…”

“Isn’t this what?” you urged him, squeezing his hand.

“Isn’t this overkill?” he eventually burst, looking close to tears as he lifted your joined hands. “This. The dress shopping. Who are we trying to impress? Who’s going to care if we’re here together or not?”

You were dumbfounded. “What do you mean? If you didn’t want to come, I wouldn’t have forced you. You can so ‘no’ sometimes, you know.”

“How can I say ‘no’ when you’re just so cute?” he whined. “That’s it. Just actually date me. Stop playing with my heart!”

You could only stare at him, confused, dumb, baffled. “I’m—You—” You tried to find the words to say. Finally, you spoke, “Seokmin, I asked you out like two weeks ago.”

“What are you talking about?” He rolled his eyes. “We started this thing three whole months go. We’ve been fake dating way longer than two weeks.”

“I mean I literally asked you to be my actual, real, very serious boyfriend two weeks ago.”

He froze, eyes wide. “You did?” You nodded. A vague memory flashed through his mind – of you asking him if he wanted to make this real, him agreeing, nearly crying at the question. He screamed. “You did!”

You couldn’t help but laugh. “Well, I guess I should’ve asked a second time when you were sober, just to clarify.”

MINGYU: fake dating because he’s tired of his popularity

It was hard to have a single logical thought when he was this close to you. It isn’t like you had a crush on the guy, but you’d be lying if you said he wasn’t fatally attractive up close. Especially when he’s pressing you against the lockers in a hallway.

“Are they gone yet?” he whispered in a manner that must have surely looked like he was mumbling sweet nothings into your ear. You were barely paying attention though, struggling to even find your breath. He sighed and repeated himself. “(Y/n), can you even hear me?”

You blinked rapidly, trying to erase any inappropriate thoughts and images flashing through your mind. “Right, right.” You glanced to the side before sighing in defeat and turning back to him, nose to nose with the most attractive and wanted man on campus. “Nope and they’re staring.”

“Let them stare.” He leaned even closer, as if to mimic a kiss for the people watching. “Don’t be so tense. They’re going to get suspicious and then we’ll be back in square one and they’ll be back to stalking me around campus. So relax.”

You almost growled at his words. “You try to relax with a metal locker digging into your back, idiot.”

“I’m just trying to make it convincing,” he pointed out with a tired sigh. “You think I like this any more than you do? This is just as uncomfortable for me as it is for— Oh!”

You were sick and tired of him. So you turned the tables, just about slamming him against the lockers instead, fingers wrapping around the collar of his stupid white form-fitting t-shirt as you did so.

“Now we’re even, pretty boy,” you whispered into his ear and glanced back at the girls who were staring wide-eyed.

MINGHAO: a family gathering

“Can’t you just be honest and tell them you’re single?” you wondered as Minghao ushered you towards the building his family had rented for their holiday. “I mean, seriously, why am I even needed here?”

Minghao sighed. “I already said I’d buy you lunch for a whole month. How much more do you need to stop complaining?”

“A donation from your fancy tea collection would suffice,” you suggested playfully.

He rolled his eyes, trying to hide his amusement. “Know your place, (Y/n).”

“Oh! What can I call you while we’re here?”

“… My name?”

“No, I mean—” You sighed. “For someone who organised this whole fake dating scheme, you sure do not seem to know much about fake dating. Mińghao, we need pet names.”

He seemed a little disturbed by the idea. “Just… call me whatever feels comfortable.”

“Pumpkin?”

“Is that really the first pet name that comes to your mind when you think of me?”

“If so?”

“Stop it. You can just call me— Auntie!” His grimaced turned into a bright smile as if by magic.

You blinked. “Auntie? Oh!” You followed his lead and smiled at the woman who came to greet you with open arms.

“Auntie, meet my darling girlfriend (Y/n),” he introduced you with a gentle hand on your back. “She’s a little nervous about meeting you guys.”

“Oh, no need to be nervous, dear! You’re practically a part of the family now. Look at you two! Such a handsome couple! Your children will be the most gorgeous little things one day.”

Paling, you nudged Minghao’s side and whispered, “I definitely want access to your fancy teas now.”

SEUNGKWAN: trying to impress an ex at a friend’s wedding

“Oh for crying out loud!” Seungkwan fussed about, hands already reaching up to fix your hair as if it was the worst fashion emergency of the 21st century. “Didn’t you brush your hair at all?”

“I brushed it plenty. If anything, a little too much,” you deadpanned and gently slapped his hand away only to take it into yours and pulling him closer. From the corner of your eye, you could see some of the other wedding guests smiling at the two of you, assuming it was a lovers’ quarrel. You took a deep breath before whispering to him, “Listen, I get that you want to make your ex realise what she lost, but you need to calm down a little.”

“I’m perfectly calm.”

He was anything but and even you, having known him a total of five days, could see that.

“Seungkwan,” you tried again and squeezed his hand a little tighter, offering a smile when he looked at you again. He forced himself to mimic your smile. “There we go. Listen, everyone here already thinks we’re as cute as, if not cuter than, the couple of the day. We don’t need to make it any more obvious to them.”

“Do you think she’s seen us yet?” he asked, gnawing on his bottom lip, nervous eyes glancing around the venue. You pulled him closer until he was forced to rest his hands on your waist.

“I’m sure she’s crying into her champagne glass in the bathroom.”

 “Right. I don’t know why I’m so nervous. I just want to prove her wrong so badly.”

You lifted a hand to pat his cheek, prompting a weak smile. “How about we dance instead? To show ‘em how it’s done?”

VERNON: showing you how you should be treated

“Okay, so I’ve been doing some research-,” you started and Vernon groaned immediately.

“Please, for the love of god, tell me it wasn’t on TikTok this time.”

You had promised him you’d never lie. So you stayed quiet instead. He sighed loudly and lifted a pillow to his face to groan into it. Once he felt he was ready to face the world again, he dropped the pillow and gestured for you to continue.

You were glad to take the chance. “So I’ve done some research and there’s this thing I want to try.”

“I knew I should’ve listened to my gut when I agreed to help you,” he mumbled before nodding. “Alright, what is it this time?”

“Why are you so grumpy about this?” you laughed. “Vernon, you’re the one that suggested fake dating me to show me–“ you cleared your throat before lowering your voice to imitate him, “–how a real man should treat his girl. You have no leg to stand on here. Now, stand up, I want you to give this your all.”

“Fair enough,” he breathed out and followed your instructions.

As the two of you stood face to face, you told him, “Now, can you please push me against the wall, hold my hand, and kiss me like you mean it?”

He laughed nervously, fighting a grimace. “… I– Yeah, sure.”

Just as you began to think he was chickening out, he followed the instructions. 

Before you could even fully comprehend what had happened, you were pushed against the wall, your left hand tightly in his. You could feel his breath against your lips and, before long, just as you were on the verge of begging, he leaned into you, his lips pressing against you. Your eyes fluttered closed, your free hand reaching up to rest against his neck.

He had ruined other men for you just like that.

CHAN: fake dating for publicity

“The paparazzi are waiting on the corner of the street,” your manager informed you, “and Lee Chan’s car should be waiting outside. You just have to walk outside, to his car, and look pretty but mysterious.”

“Pretty but mysterious?” You wanted to question the way her mind worked, but it was clear there was some genius behind her questionable instructions. So you nodded. “Got it. I’ll do my best.”

“When these news break out, you’ll be the top story of every magazine for at least a week,” she continued with a bright smile, confident in her plan. “I’ve already “leaked” some material about you two. All you guys have to do is act the part. And you’re good at acting, right?”

“Right,” you breathed out.

“Good luck! Don’t screw this up,” she told you and opened the door to the outside.

You could already see a camera reflecting light in the distance. You tried not to care and headed straight to Chan’s Maserati. He pushed the door open a little before you got there, no doubt to give the paparazzi to get a clearer shot of him.

“Hello there,” he spoke when you sat down. “Where to?”

“Anywhere but here,” you grumbled. “This whole thing is driving me insane.”

“Tell me about it,” he sighed. “My manager told me to be careful to not make a mess. I don’t even know how I’d do that in these conditions.”

“Probably by going off the rails and out of the script. By creating a scandal.”

He paused before smiling mischievously. “Do you want to create a scandal?”

You squinted. “What do you have in mind?”

“You and I, an outrageous date. I know place.”

“With a concept that would make our managers cry?”

“Is there any other kind?”

[ghostscrown]

I feel like I never actually realized how much I needed actually good autistic rep made by autistic people until now

I mean I saw these autistic characters made by neurotypical people and played by neurotypical actors (when actors are needed). And I was like "sure, these are mediocre reps and I despise them, and I wish there was actual good rep out there, but whatever, not gonna happen ig so this is all I got". Then I saw some shows by autistic people and with autistic actors coming out and I thought "oh, cool, I'm gonna watch them when I get the motivation" but then never actually watched them, you know ? I knew I wanted that, but it wasn't like... a priority.

But then I got some free time, "hey, what was the name of this show again ?" and. I ended up watching "A Kind Of Spark" and "Everything's Gonna Be Okay" in like two days. And the whole time I was on the verge of tears. When I tell you I even literally cried at some point in the second season of Everything's Gonna Be Okay.

Because I suddendly realized HOW MUCH I NEEDED these kinds of shows, and how STRAIGHT UP OFFENSIVE all – ALL – of the reps made by neurotypicals are. I never understood how important this was. Representation that is just SO REAL. That isn't the neurotypical interpretation of autism, but really what autism actually is. The difference is just SO MUCH MORE obvious now. All these details overlooked by neurotypicals, all their fantasies about autism. Now I'll never be able to even glance at their shows about autism. I already hated them but now I just think they shouldn't even be allowed to make them

I knew this was bad rep. But I never truly understood HOW BADLY it affected me to see these terrible reps everywhere, and HOW MUCH I craved for actual good rep, until I started crying like a baby the second I saw what good rep actually looked like and felt like to me.

It's so weird because I remember I felt the exact same way when I saw an actually good ace rep for the first time, but idk, I just didn't think I would feel the same with autistic rep for some reason ? Because we have autistic rep way more than ace rep... But it's bad rep so at the end of the day it just feels the same as no rep at all, or maybe it's even worse. The realization hit me like a truck and I am in tears lol

[its-time-to-write]

i hold it like a grudge - ch. 5

I don’t know why this fic wrecked me so much. I’m literally the author. I know what’s gonna happen. I decided what’s gonna happen. Maybe I’m just tired. also does anyone remember that time I said I hated writing chaptered fics and swearing that each one was an anomaly/the last time I’d ever do it?

table of contents you’re still everything to me

Jamie Tartt is in your kitchen, puttering around so he can make a pot of tea and with an eyebrow slit like it’s 2013 again.

He sent you to go change so you slip on sweatpants and curl up on the sofa.

“Here you are, love,” he says, setting the tea down on the coffee table. He sits on the opposite end of the sofa, a respectable distance away.

“Why didn’t I see you?” you ask, staring out the window. The room is illuminated by the streetlight glow from the kitchen.

“How d’you mean?” responds.

“I visited mum last year. I was there all day. Why didn’t I see you?”

Jamie pauses. “I went early.”

“No, no you didn’t. There weren’t any flowers when I got there, and you said you brought her flowers.”

He’s quiet long enough for you to turn and check if he’s even still in the room.

He is.

“I… saw you,” he says eventually. “Didn’t think we’d be there at the same time, but-” he raises an eyebrow as punctuation. “Anyway, I was behind a tree. Saw you sit down and at first I thought I’d just wait in the car, but you started crying and- and I didn’t know if I should say somethin’ or leave. Did neither, so I just stayed. Placed the flowers and paid my respects once you left.”

You sip your tea in silence.

After a long time you say, “I’m glad you didn’t say anything.”

“She always believed in me,” he says by way of reply. “Even when I was being a little shit, she still made me feel like she wanted me around. Three people I want to make proud the most were her, mummy, and you.”

“Wanted,” you correct. “Wanted to make proud. Mum’s gone, and we’re not even friends.”

“D’you think we ever could be?”

You consider. There’s a part of you that feels like you’re friends already. He’s in your flat for fuck’s sake. 

“I don’t know,” you say. “Honestly I don’t. I’ve only ever loved you, Jamie, and for a long time I couldn’t see the future without you. I still can’t see it, I’m just living day-by-day sometimes.”

He chews his lip. “How can I make it up to you?”

He’s asking all the hard questions tonight.

“I don’t hate you anymore,” you say frankly. “You were there for me when I needed you, and you leaving me was the worst. But it turned out good. And, I dunno, over the last few days I just keep wondering what’s gonna stop you from leaving again? Deciding you want someone else more, or my value means less?”

“Maturity.” He says it slightly drawn out, enunciating the consonants. He has a hint of a smile, which is stupid, because now you have one too.

“Seriously, though, I’m not like that anymore. Went of, was a prick, and it were shit. I’ve never heard mum that mad at me, Jesus Christ. Swore my ear off, she did. Didn’t have real friends, wasn’t happy, drank a lot of vanilla vodka. Keeley broke up with me for cheating on her, too, but not with sex, like; just on a date. Said shit about accountability.” 

He says it the same way he said maturity. 

“Hm,” you say. What else is there to say, really?

“Hm,” you say again as you reach to set your tea down and move to the other end of the couch so you’re pressed up against Jamie’s side.

He wraps his arms around you and pulls you close.

“Stay the night?” you whisper. “I don’t want to be alone and I have a guest bed.” 

Jamie nods.

—

It’s 3am, and you wake up with the sound of your mum saying your name still echoing in your room. You’d been dreaming, showing her the life you’d created and she’d smiled the whole time. She wasn’t wispy, she was the same mum who kicked a football with Jamie, sang horribly off-key with Simon, and convinced Georgie to even give him a chance in the first place. 

Tears pool in the corner of your eye.

I am not drowning. I can do this.

There’s a light tap on the door. “Come in,” you croak.

Jamie pushes it open and sticks his head in. “You’re crying,” he states. “Woke up a minute ago feeling shitty.”

You pat the bed and roll over.

Jamie climbs in under the covers and reaches tentatively for your hand. You let him take it.

“Just because I’m emotionally fragile does not mean that I forgive you,” you tell him tearfully. “I’m just pretending you never left and everything’s fine so I’m not going to hate myself for letting you into my room and letting you see me cry.”

“Alright,” he whispers. “C’mere. We’ll forget about it in the morning.”

You both move closer under the covers. You blame sleep and grief for the kiss you press to his clavicle, and you’re sure you’re dreaming they way he murmured, “How the fuck did I ever leave you?”

—

Jamie is true to his word. He doesn’t say a word when you wake up, just extricates himself from your hold and goes downstairs.

“I’ll be here for today,” he tells you once you drag yourself out of bed. “After that, you can decide how you feel about me. You don’t have to think about it today.”

It’s a four-hour drive to Manchester, and you’re not sure when it was decided that a) Jamie was coming with you, or b) that he’d be the one driving. He stops to pick up breakfast and coffee and doesn’t say a word about eating in his fancy car. You stare out the window and let the music playing over the speakers flow over you. It’s still raining, less than last night but still heavily. 

You grip Jamie’s hand with white knuckles and cry, truly cry in a way you only allow once a year but this time, there’s a new component.

I could’ve had this, you think. You and Jamie, together.

Something new tugs at your chest and you turn to look at Jamie. Tears have gathered in the corners of his eyes, and he’s sniffling a but, trying not to let it show. 

You readjust in your seat so you’re leaning against his arm, and he tilts his head to rest on yours for a fraction of a moment. 

—

Your mum’s place is the same as it always is. Her name, printed in rounded letters. The dates, signifying that she did not spend enough time here. You place down your blanket and sit, back against the headstone as usual with your head tilted up to the sky. Jamie stands a good distance away, just watching with his hands shoved in his pockets. 

“Hi mum,” you begin, voice cracking. “Um, I’m sorry I don’t get up here much. But that’s what kids do, right? Leave the nest and only visit on holidays. 

Things are going well still. I’ve gotten offers for collabs with some brands, so I guess that’s cool. Jamie’s here, he’s by the tree though. I don’t- I don’t know what to do about it, mum. I wish you were here. You always saw things clearer than any of us, and I just don’t know. Turns out I didn’t ever stop loving him. Keeley thinks we have this weird cosmic connection or something. Do you believe in that? I think you might have. 

I- I think we’re going to see Georgie and Simon after this. I don’t really know. I haven’t been thinking straight today, you know. I just miss you.  I want to hug you again and I promise I’m okay on my own, it’s just hard sometimes. I thought- I thought-”

You’re unable to get the rest of the words out. It’s fucking sunny out and it feels wrong, like the world should remember this is a day to mourn a soul who should’ve been around longer. The sky should at least have the decency to cry along with you. 

A hand touches your face to wipe away a tear. You wrap your arms around Jamie’s neck and he just holds you for a minute, an hour, a year. Time might be passing but you’re unaware of it. He’s whispering in your ear, saying, “I’ve got you, it’s alright love, take as much time as you need,” but it’s only sounds to you. Sweet sounds, but not comprehensible words. 

It’s safe, here. It shouldn’t be, here on your mother’s grave with your cheating ex-boyfriend in your arms, but it doesn’t feel like that. 

It feels more like you’ve finally arrived home after years of travel. 

Jamie feels the same as he did before he made it to the Premier League, back when he’d nick flowers from a garden and climb through your window late at night, not like the prideful boy who broke your heart in five minutes over the phone. 

“I’m here as long as you need,” he murmurs, and you believe him. 

You pull away slightly to look him in the face. “I love you,” you say. 

He smiles, but only with his eyes as he swipes a thumb under your eye. “I love you too,” he says. “Don’t think I ever really stopped.”

It’s at that exact moment that the sun disappears behind a cloud and it begins to rain. 

table of contents

[kickedin17]

Actually I will make a more sincere blurry birthday post fuck it.

(Warning for discussion of suicidal ideation. Also this is long but it's me what do you expect #MyYapping)

When I was 15 I was certain I would never be 16. I was going through extremely grueling mental and physical health issues, I was extremely isolated (mostly by choice), and the one friendship I had, which would eventually destroy my late teens & early 20s due to addiction and codependency, was just starting to take its first really bad turn. My dad was diagnosed with cancer and we didn't know how his treatment would go (he'll be cancer-free for 10 years in the fall). Among other family upheavals and crises and dramas that I don't want to list here but still affect me to this day. I felt like I had nothing and was nothing. Most days I literally didn't even feel like a real person. My life was a sick ugly dream that I didn't know how to wake up from. At the time I was really into the movie Inception. And I'll just say Mal's logic didn't seem all that far fetched to me.

And amidst all that, soundtracking it, was this little album I'd discovered on tumblr a couple days after it came out, called blurryface. I didn't really follow tyler and josh much, and I wasn't active in the clique at the time. I wouldn't be until I started using instagram in 2017 and got really hooked in with all the theories after the hiatus started. But the music? The music was there for me. The music inspired me to keep writing, which in turn inspired me to keep living, because as long as I had a story to tell, I had a reason to be alive. There is literally a scene in one of my drafts from the time that's just a recreation of the tear in my heart bridge. I was obsessed with the imagery in hometown and the judge and heavydirtysoul, and channeled them in my visual art for years. Goner ripped me open in ways I hadn't felt since I listened to linkin park's a thousand suns when I was first beginning to experience chronic depression and suicidal ideation. Going back to vessel and self-titled gave me even more to love and to hold onto. Like so many other people, when I say this band and this music saved my life, I mean it literally.*

The year was brutal. But I lived to 16. And 17. And I kept living so I could hear trench for the first time, and leave the city hit me so hard I couldn't listen to it for the first month after it came out without crying uncontrollably, because for now I was alive. I lived so I could see them live on the bandito tour, and I cried during leave the city there, too, while being held by the person who would later convince me not to drop out of college. Bandito became a weapon against my intrusive thoughts as my ocd worsened. I listened to scaled and icy in the backseat while me and my mom and sister made a 14 hour nonstop drive to see my grandma in the hospital, because it was the only thing that kept me from absolutely freaking out. By the time clancy came out I was already (mostly) committed to being alive, and since then, because of that album and joining the clique on tumblr, I've met people I consider true friends and I've made art and writing in ways I thought I never would again at the start of 2024.

The intensity of my interest in twenty one pilots has naturally fluctuated with time. There were a couple years where I hardly listened to them at all or (foolishly) thought maybe I had in fact "grown out" of them. But I think when you grow Up with something the way I and a lot of other people have grown up with this band, it never truly leaves you.

As long as I write, I carry twenty one pilots with me, even though I no longer view writing as a matter of survival. *I also now understand it wasn't the music or the writing or anything that kept me alive; it was myself, fighting. But the music definitely helped me do it.

As long as I live, I am doing so off the commitment of my 15 year old self, the first time she listened to migraine and felt genuinely heard by a piece of music, and decided to believe that there is really a hopeful undertone. I am doing so, also, off the commitment of my 18 year old self, who learned that if "for now" is all you have, it can still be enough. And myself now, every time I breathe through the urges I still feel and may always feel.

Blurryface turning 10 is a celebration of the boys and everything they've accomplished. It's a celebration of an absolutely fucking incredible, record-breaking, genre-defying album. There is no album more quintessentially millenial (in a good way). It is decade defining. It became the springboard for what is, in my opinion, one of the best conceptual narratives in music history. It's so iconic that if you know about the band you cannot see a red beanie & black shirt combo and not think about blurryface. It deserves the goddamn hype.

It's also a reminder and a promise to myself (and to you) that I'll still be here when it turns 20, too.

Tl;dr

Viva la 2015

[blondeaxolotl]

🧣anon here! im literally screaming crying throwing up from the last ask. other anon, i love you and your mind oh my GODDDDD that was fantastic i am frothing at the mouth actually ohhhh my god

mono. mono my dude, you are so good at furthering this angst stuff i am LOSING it

just, the thought of floyd realizing it first!!! knowing jamil THAT well bc when floyd loves he loves with EVERYTHINGGGGGG but to jamil, upon their breakup, he thinks 'oh. he didnt love me at all.'

godddd this hurts 10 times more omg. i love it. anon, mono, your MINDSSSSS

like, this is gonna fuck jamil up so bad i love it. he's gonna internalize it, all those moments of 'freedom' he had, basketball club and floyd, both so deeply linked, are gonna be tainted by the memory of floyd letting jamil go with no complaint, just content. the moments he thought he would be able to treasure, to think back on and yearn for when he's stuck in this life, this role, that claws at him, that chokes him, that takes everything from him---he cant even have that. bc it wasnt real it was a trick and shit he shoulda known. never trust anyone from octavinelle.

and shit. he told floyd so much. floyd was there, and witnessed jamil's most intimate failure, his desperate bid for limited freedom--and then jamil kissed him. loved him. and it wasnt. real. none of it. are they laughing? jade and azul and floyd? or was it even worth that, like was it just some idle entertainment and floyd got bored? jamil loved him.

and he supposes the only bright side here is that he wont be upset about the breakup. he'll only be upset it didnt happen sooner. he wont miss floyd now.

(he misses floyd still. hes angry and bitter and hurting but he misses floyd and that makes it worse. kalim comes to him all excited and says he managed to get jamil a break to go visit floyd if he wants. jamil takes the break. he doesnt go to visit floyd tho. he goes somewhere else. anywhere else. he comes back and goes back to work on time and kalim is staring at him, forlorn, because jamil came back with the same closed-off expression, the same walls up, coming down only when najma and kalim really need it. people smile and jamil and ask him for his number for his name for a date and jamil. jamil's eyes are blank, his expression placid, he has work to do, and kalim and najma can tell no one's getting in.)

Heheh thank you! I have history when it comes to talking about angst of my favourite characters/ships, it's all fun for me so glad you're enjoying it (with tears)

Poor Jamil... my shayla.. pats him on the head, my boy does not deserve this poor treatment mwah mwah, shame on you floyd tsk tsk (I say as I'm not the one who's making him do this).

It wouldn't surprise me even while on break, Jamil did end up seeing one of the octatrio in public, and what did he do? Dipped, ran even. Screw talking, I don't think he'd even want to look at them after what happened. I'd imagine after that "harsh break up and reality check", Jamil sees nothing but a bunch of good for nothing liars and manipulators, even if he still loves Floyd, I'd imagine the sight of him would piss him off through the ROOF. Cause all he is thinking about now is that break up and how unnecessary "chill and not bothered" he seemed to Jamil.

Now with Floyd.. I'd say he's still suppressing his emotions like usual but he IS showing off signs that he misses Jamil, by being annoying about it. Not in the boohoo I miss Jamil way but in a "This is so boring, Sea Snake would've made this more fun" or "Sea Snake could do this better than you lmao". Basically a bunch of this/you suck, Jamil does it better/much cooler, and he's repeating them like a parrot. There were many MANY times where Azul contemplated taping his mouth shut because it's that annoying, sorry you miss him but also shutthEFUCKUP.

Now hear me out, what if close around the end of Jamil's break. Kalim decided he wants to go out as well since it's been a while he went anywhere without Jamil by his side. It's like a once in a lifetime experience for him, he never went alone anywhere without Jamil by his side. So why not try it at least once? (What's the worst that could happen.) And during Kalim's adventure, HE ends up being the one to bump into the octatrio, guess they still ended up sticking to eachothers sides even after graduation. Now they catch up, Kalim is happy to finally see old friends/classmates again, one of them being Jamil's boyfriend- Ex? He doesn't know exactly, but he's happy to see him too.

Now Azul questions where Jamil is since it's strange seeing them separated. Kalim explains that Jamil is on break and it's also why he decided to go out, it's been a while since he went anywhere alone. Floyd doesn't say much besides a quiet "aww man" and Azul seems to curse under his breath as if he was so close to finding the one thing that'd shut up this annoying sound that keeps screaming in his ear for months now but I guess not. Now let's say, mid through the convo the four are having, Jade spots a shop in the distance he wants to go to (most likely something to do with mushrooms probably), he demands to go check it out, Floyd refuses to and decides he'll just wait with Kalim. And so poor Azul gets dragged away by Jade and just waves at them "we'll be back" because this is the closest Azul got to almost getting a business deal through Kalim's money AND HE DOESNT WANT TO LOSE IT CAUSE OF JADE'S HYPERFIXATION. So they're both told to wait, alone.

Now that the two are alone, Kalim doesn't know yet that Jamil hasn't actually gone to see Floyd like he expected him to, I mean, that's the whole reason Kalim managed to get him a break, to go see Floyd. So without much thought, Kalim decides to ask Floyd about it. Like "So did you and Jamil catch up? It's been a while since you two seen eachother! Did you have fun?" just an innocent question, a question Kalim didn't realise will cause major problems. Floyd stares at Kalim dumbfounded, clueless, what is lil bro yappin' bout, so he asks him what he's talking about, isn't Jamil on break? And Kalim replies with a confused laugh

"Yeah he is, I gave him a break so he could go see you. I thought he did that already.. Did he not?"

The moment Floyd heard those words, his whole world shattered. He just stood there frozen, staring at Kalim. Jamil is on break, a break he was supposed to use to come SEE HIM, but he did not do that, and he wouldn't have known if Kalim didn't say anything about it. So why, why did Jamil not come and visit him? Did he get over him? Was HE supposed to get over Jamil? Or did Jamil find someone else that he likes more than him, and therefore went to see them instead of him? Floyd didn't know, he didn't know ANYTHING ever since graduation. Hell, he didn't know if Jamil HAD the options to contact him at all, Floyd just sat and waited, like a dog waiting for his owner to come back from the store. But that didn't happen, apparently Jamil isn't coming back, and he wouldn't have known that. If it wasn't for Kalim.

Now Floyd's head is just all over the place, it's like his brain just did a factory reset on him, his emotions were everywhere and all his brain understood was "Jamil had the chance to see him, and he chose not to" and he's losing it. He forgot where he was for a moment until Kalim shook him with worry, "Floyd! Are you okay?? Your eyes are red??" and he suddenly clicked back to reality, now silently panicking after Floyd realises he stopped masking his emotions and is now on the verge of a crash out. He has accidentally made himself "vulnerable" to Kalim, he doesn't know for how long but he knows it was long enough for Kalim to start apologising profusely for upsetting him. So, what will he do now?

Well, he's going to run away of course! He is NOT going to continue standing around in public like a lost dog while Kalim is worrying asking him multiple times if he's okay. So Floyd just books it, no hesitation, last thing he wants is for Azul and Jade to see him in this state. And not shortly after, the rest of the octatrio come back confused to find a worrisome, concerned Kalim with an expression that screams "I fucked up" and a missing Floyd. Kalim doesn't say much, he tells them Floyd just got up and ran, but he doesn't want to say why, out of pure worry he might make things worse than he already has, so he just stays quiet and tells them he has to go as he hurries up away from them (RIP Azul's business opportunity...) Now hours later, Jade and Azul finally end up finding Floyd, probably back at where ever the 3 of them are living now. And he's just laying on the couch, kicking his feet in the air while messing on his phone, he is back on his cheery goofy old self, almost like he didn't just full on run away from Kalim after finding out Jamil chose not to visit him. When Azul asks him why the hell did he just dip, Floyd gives a typical "Ehh I got bored of Sea Otter so I went home", he didn't tell them the actual reason, hell you couldn't even tell he was upset earlier (he already embarrassed himself in front of Kalim, last thing he wants is to do that in front of his brother and Azul now). So Azul just punched him in the arm for making him miss a business opportunity with Kalim because he was "bored" and left without a notice. And so after that, everything went back to normal with the trio. Except, the lack of constant annoying blabbering about a "Sea Snake" suddenly stopped without a trait. I guess Azul's wish of wanting to shut up that annoying noise finally happened, though, now he kinda wishes it was back, because an awfully more silent than usual Floyd is way more uncomfortable than a loud and repetitive Floyd.

Now switching to the Scarabia duo, Jamil comes back from his break. Same closed off expression, ready to go back to work and act like everything is same as before.. Only for Jamil to immediately notice Kalim is acting strange. Sighing and imagining up whatever shenanigans could've Kalim caused while he was away, he asks him what did he do. But Kalim just.. refuses to answer. And that makes Jamil concerned, WHAT the hell did this guy do while he was away and how the hell is it so bad that Kalim can't tell him.

And honestly how WOULD you explain what happened? "Yeah so I ended up bumping into your ex boyfriend and I made him cry after accidentally telling him you didn't come visit him while on break, my bad" YEAH NO KALIM ISN'T SAYING THAT NOPE, so poor boy, now being a nervous wreck just yelps "I'M SORRY-" before he quickly sped away before Jamil can say anything else. Leaving him confused and now praying Kalim didn't possibly kill a guy.. Which tbh, would've been better than what he actually did.

OUF okay yapped more thank usually so I decided to doodle a lil moment of Floyd losing it and Kalim trying(?) to comfort him as best as he can lolz

[canaryy15]

Its 12am in my timezone so im sending this now!! Yes i stayed up just so i can post this on the SPOT

Some birthday art!! I honestly just really wanted to draw whatever called to me, not something that had to meet a certain criteria or deadline (well, kinda my deadline was 12am LMAO) and i popped out this!!

Also if you saw this before it was posted on my profile or like any other social media NUH UH NO YOU DIDNT

Honestly my sona is so fun to draw, im so satisfied with them and i think they’re finally on their final form or whatever. I have gone through…2 other designs in one year of having them LMAO

(More yapping and some heartfelt paragraphing below the cut)

ALSO ON THAT. Besides sketches my toyhouse for their current design was so empty but was filled in a matter of seconds because of COUGH COUGH NUDGE NUDGE ANT /VVVPOS I mean also by showing off ant’s art other people attacked me for it being my birthday LMAO

I mean the “others art” section was empty and LOOK AT IT NOW

(1st piece is by @koioreu (YT), 2nd by @thegrinreaper122 (AF), and the rest are by ant lmao)

But overall im just very thankful. This has been…Not the greatest year for me?? I mean. 7th grade. If i were to do a poll on what year were people’s least favorites i think its very common that it’s 7th…But there have been some very very good parts about it as well.

I mean, number one, i met @antwuzhere on here!! You wrote ME a heartfelt paragraph so now YOUR getting one!!

Like i said on my reblog of your art earlier, on social media im usually a bit more.. Not me, per say when first using a platform. I mean, if you talk to any of my friends on discord they can def prove that when it took me awhile to actually get to my chaotic self. But for some reason, when i put two and two together to form the thought that—WOAH, this really cool art (specifically the winner eyes shots) that keeps coming up on my dash like every day is the person who made sailor song, that really cool mean gills animatic!! I mean i didnt find it out from the winner eyes one first i found out from the mean gills one but still

For some reason despite being a little lenient on tumblr with people since i hadnt really used an actual social media platform like this before (aka like instagram, twitter, all that i never used), i was just so EXCITED when i realized it was Ant. I mean, the moment i saw your sailor song animatic i sent it to a server owned by a fellow mcyt artist (@dyslexiccanary/@canaryinthevoid my canary twin >:D) that very commonly shares underrated works. And i grabbed a mod and went “GET THIS ON THAT ANNOUNCEMENT BOARD!!!!!” I mean, underrated artists stick together!!!

When i made that reblog it genuinely made me come out of my comfort zone without even TRYING to go out. I just, felt like i could be ME. My wacky, very chaotic self!! Often it can be hard to actually embrace that because of often being told to be quiet or calm down, or just not getting what that person needs is.. Not what im doing. But it just came so naturally, i just knew somehow that i could be myself.

I am honestly so glad i met you Ant, it just feels life changing. I mean, LITERALLY when i got that art is started crying i mean ACTIVE TEARS I DIDNT EVEN READ ANYTHING YET LMAO—But i genuinely hope that i can get to know you better in the future :D

My discord guys despite being on this platform are gonna get a heart felt paragraph on there instead lmao since like. Most of them dont actively use tumblr LOL

But honestly, i dont have that big of a follower base, but that never mattered to me. My first post one here was just me being me and wanting to share what i was excited about, winning a prize for some desert duo art (not an actual prize just a plaque but i still got 2nd place >:D). Tumblr has really let me express myself in ways i couldnt before. Only a few people i know on discord (and even less in real life) know about mcyt, more specifically life series and hermitcraft. Much less care when i talk about it. But on tumblr? Thats the power of social media, the GOOD of it. You will ALWAYS find people who love the same things as you, who can relate and talk about and LIKE the same things as you. People you can share works with, even if it’s bad ones.

I really dont open up on tumblr much since there’s not any filtering to like follower only that i know of and this is all public, but even then, i can find comfort here. I know i belong here because of how kind, how supportive, how open this community is.

Im so happy i’ve made my place here, and i hope i can continue to do so in the future.

Good night, day, or whatever time it is for you.

[foiledbyvoile]

played LaDS today after a near month long hiatus. proceeded to dump gems into every chance during the event because it ends in like 12 hours and it's my beloved Zayne and I'm getting that 5* memory 😤 was NOT prepared for a Dawnbreaker storyline ARE YOU KIDDING ME. here's my scattered thoughts. I reached a point where I had to write it out, and I am subsequently a puddle of tears.

"It's carrot-flavored."

idk why but this just...urgh. Like, he's making jokes but he's using the memories he (and us) have seen to do it. It's so bittersweet. drawing upon those memories he cherished for his entire life to form some kind of connection with the woman he has loved from across time and space for years.

example #2: making two seals with his evol, another core memory between them, LIKE 😭

and the way he is so effected by her. when she offers to use their combined evol to break the protofield, and he makes a noise and looks away? I've lost count of how many times they highlight his subtle (not very subtle at all) reactions to her. he is barely holding it together right now and I am here for it.

I got hung up on them sharing chocolates on the sofa (after he so casually reached into the fridge and grabbed them, like he'd done it hundreds of times before 👀), and how often he had to have sat there, alone, thinking of her.

but she's here now, she's really here, and then I got to thinking how this is a dream come true and a nightmare all at once for him; yes he loves her and he wants to be with her but not here, not in his world. he wants to be her Zayne, live that idyllic life he dreams of where he saves people rather than kills them but instead she's been thrust into his desolate iteration of Linkon city and it just hurts.

he's so sweet though, letting her believe that it's nothing more than a dream, when for him it's his reality. he wants to protect her, and that includes protecting her from himself because he is so terrified of hurting her that it quite literally haunts him.

and correct me if I'm wrong, but were they not essentially handing his pain back and forth? she would use her evol to purify him, and he would use his evol to take it back, putting himself in further agony to ensure she is safe, unharmed from himself?

"By then, I'll find you in your dreams, the real you."

OW. does she know who he really is? does she comprehend the gravitas to that fucking declaration, will he ever outright tell her that he is not her Zayne?? they keep swaying either way, but there's no way this isn't Dawnbreaker. (confirmed when the narrative referred to MC as "the girl.") I'm going to have to replay it again, but I don't think they ever make the connection to him being the same 'Zayne' she had briefly seen before, keeping it ambiguous from MC's perspective whether or not she truly understands what's happening here.

THE ENDING. you just HAD to make sure we knew Dawnbreaker was never going to escape his own hell, didn't you? really had to drive it home that he'd never get to be with her. he finds her, reaches for her and she reaches back and then paradise crumbles around them only to find themselves back where it started? that's just...cruel, man.

it's almost worse now. he's got hope dangled in front of him and it's constantly being pulled just out of reach. before, there was no hope. he had somehow managed to cope, albeit in the words of MC, "struggling to live a normal life", he had resigned to his fate nonetheless. but now there's this sliver of hope, the white light amidst the darkness, and yet it's piercing him all the same.

it's like a saccharine purgatory, his nightmare evolving with her presence but still trapped in the black ice that plagues him because he can't escape, even with her help. it's not destined to be, fate has quite literally decided it.

(astra's a bitch and then we cry)

I'm going to be replaying these chapters a few times, there's so much going on. Dawnbreaker has always held a special place in my heart because I'm simply a whore for tragedy. anyways, gonna go sob over these pixels again ✌️

[batsovergotham]

Wait omggggg for The Night Remains, is there gonna be some sort of love triangle/ past relationship w/ dick??? Whether there is or not I’m soooo excited for this new fic. Batman comics are literally my ONE THING so this is kinda a dream come true lmao. It’ll be fun to see how Mark chooses to navigate through Gotham and work with The Bats, learning that, though they may not be powered, they are NOT to be underestimated

WAIT STOP SCREAMING CRYING THROWING UP I’M SO GLAD YOU’RE EXCITED you don’t even KNOW how unwell i am over The Night Remains rn it’s literally renting out my entire brain and it’s NOT leaving any time soon

OK OK LISTEN I NEED TO YAP REAL FAST

• FIRST OF ALL no love triangle shit with dick i SWEAR

dick is literally just baby robin here full chaos mode like he’s actually batwoman reader’s son at this point i don’t make the rules

reader’s super young too like EARLY twenties, 23-24 tops, MAX, she’s more bruce-coded than barbara-coded honestly the only thing she shares with barbara is the batwoman name and even then it’s hanging on by a thread

so like. dick?? practically HER KID. we’re safe.

• now the actual messy history??? it’s with SUPERMAN. and it’s DELICIOUS

so batwoman reader meets clark super early like 18 years old mask barely broken in cape still fresh she clocks him IMMEDIATELY

because hello giant walking god weapon with a moral compass, gotham-trained brain goes study that immediately

and guess what. feelings happened. oops.

they ended up dating. they WENT PUBLIC (mistake??? yes. iconic??? also yes.)

and the media tried to TEAR THEM APART bc the vibes were so crazy gotham’s billionaire orphan and a literal nobody reporter from nowhere?? the tabloids had a FIELD DAY

but they stuck it out bc they’re stubborn idiots and clark? was her first everything. first kiss. first love. first body. first person she let really see her behind the mask.

BUT of course trauma said no happiness allowed and guilt and gotham and vengeance ate her alive so she pushed clark away not bc she stopped loving him BUT bc she genuinely thought she didn’t deserve anything soft until she fixed everything broken in her world

they broke up (around 20yo) but LIKE the love did not evaporate bro it was STILL THERE

so sometimes when it got Bad (capital B) and she couldn’t breathe from the weight of everything??

she’d go to him. physically. because it was the only time she could open up without collapsing

clark (being clark) let her. no questions. no pressure. just love in whatever way she could accept.

eventually he moved on with lois (clark/lois endgame YESSSS) but clark never dipped out on her completely bc he KNEW she needed someone even if she’d never ask

ALSO during this clown fiesta she adopted dick and clark was THERE for that too and dick loves clark so bad like uncle/big brother energy it’s disgusting and adorable

CUT TO MARK GETTING THROWNNN INTO GOTHAM

not for a good reason not for field trips

he’s there because he needs to learn how to think before punching the sun in half he’s learning detective work. critical thinking. how to be careful. actual stealth. how to work a crime scene without leveling a city block.

and the bats??? they humble him IMMEDIATELY it’s beautiful

AND THEN...

AND THEN CLARK SHOWS UP LMAOOOO

just being normal checking in like “hey kiddo how’s it going” and mark???

mark on the outside: “haha nice to meet you dude :) love your work :)”

mark internally: screaming. vomiting. spontaneously combusting. fetal position in his brain.

because it’s one thing to KNOW your girl had a life before you and another thing entirely to STAND ACROSS from the man who was her first kiss first love first touch first EVERYTHING

and act like it’s fine mark TRUSTS her he LOVES her he KNOWS she’s with him now but that old gravity between her and clark??

that unspoken thing that exists between people who have been broken together and survived it??

he FEELS it

and it makes him wanna rip his hair out and scream into the void

and the best part

THE BEST PART

is that all that jealousy and panic and need is just simmering under his skin

and when it finally cracks ohhhhh bestie

it’s going to be FILTHY. it’s going to be DESPERATE.

he’s going to grab her like he thinks she’s going to vanish if he lets go for even a second and it’s gonna be messy and raw and perfect

and none of us are going to survive it

i’m not going to survive it

you’re not going to survive it

we’re all going to cry and throw up together

thank you for giving me the excuse to scream about it i love you forever <333

DISCLAIMER ITS NOT ANGSTY OR ANYTHING I SWEAR THEY TALK THROUGH IT

ー 🦇

[lesb0]

i know feminism is borderline your day job so this maybe isn't relevant to you but you're also one of the few people on my dash who's doing anything "irl" so i wanted to ask lol. i'm 22 and i'm trying to get more involved with feminism in my area and it's amazing to meet women at discussion groups, talks, volunteering opportunities, etc but i'm always the youngest there by literally decades. they love to have me there but i shouldn't be the only one! i'm a student; there's not a young woman in my circles who isn't constantly posting infographics, who won't go off at you online, but they aren't showing up!! i know they have time!! i'll of course be encouraging my friends to come along and being the change i want to see etc but i was just wondering whether you have any insights into why this is because it is such a jarring gap. these initiatives are widely advertised where i am with large social media presences so it's not that people don't know about them.

Anon this actually brought a little tear to my eye, I'm so glad you're out there doing the work!!! High five! Keep going, never give up! :-)

And yeah I see a sharp generational divide too. The young women art historians (my dear friends) and even younger women students I know fall into three camps: open anti-feminists, lukewarm pink feminists, and liberation feminists.

The first camp of women rejecting feminism is a direct correlation to the failure of the third wave for eradicating social misogyny as the primary models and pushing pink feminism, choice feminism, queer theory, and inclusive (pro-men) "feminism", in its place which incidentally took off during the entire emeegence of the internet. So at this point we had brilliant women theorists like Kimberle Crenshaw alongside bell hooks and Butler, and now there are tiktok housewife bimbo feminists. the movement was pinkwashed so thoroughly that that is all most people know about feminism.

Pink feminists are women who are like you said, support the movement but all they know are insta graphics and online posts about celebrating the pink feminine mystique and uplifting onlyfans and loving men as the key to beating the patriarchy. And the third group are those of us who were lucky enough to have encountered basic female liberation literature in college with real feminist action professors that were marching through the second wave themselves. It's changed a lot and has come a long way, but it's HARD to get through to young women who are indoctrinated into thinking feminism is about marching topless and calling yourself a slut in public. I would be a feminist hater too, if I thought that was what feminism was.

Also, young people just refuse to go anywhere or do anything. It's like pulling teeth to get my friends to attend completely free parties, events, gallery shows, dinners, BBQs, etc. but all they want to do is stay in bed and scroll tiktok and cry on the weekends lol. So maybe try to reach them where they are? Photo ops, videos, livestreams, stories, etc? Some influencer reposted a tampon/pad drive at the place I used to volunteer in LA and the turn out was HUGE. Good luck!!!

[thenight-comes-down-likeheaven]

I just need to get this out there properly, cuz I can't stop thinking about this album:

I love it, I honestly think it's my favorite album they've released. It was so full of emotiona, but didn't hit me like a freight train like I thought it would, it was more gradual than that. I didn't really cry, I just took it in. It left me feeling very raw.

It is so different from anything that they've ever done, but it is still undeniably Sleep Token. It almost feels like a full circle moment, in a way? A lot of it seemed to call back to their earlier work in a really wonderful way. It felt like they really went back and dug into the roots of the project, the essence of it, the "don't get lost in genre" of it all.

The story needed to be told, whether you see it as the story of Vessel and Sleep, or the story of The Guy and his hopes and struggles, or both. It is raw and real and honest in a way they've never been before. To be able to paint a picture like this one, with all of the love, pain and anger, the lust and yearning, the sentiment of "I've worked too hard for this, I'm not going to leave now", is truly incredible. (the final lines of Infinite Baths literally being "teeth of god / blood of man / I will be / what I am")

AND THEN to tell said story while genre bending to an extent they haven't before, honestly left me speechless for a bit. To take trap, r&b, metal, the music box motif, rock, pop, classical piano and strings, and so many other elements from all across the board and meld them all so seamlessly while also making each section of each song feel distinct is fucking insane, actually! You can really tell how Vessel and ii have grown in their craft, you can tell that this was an album that they made how THEY wanted it, not how the label execs and the fans wanted it. That's one thing Sleep Token has never done is cater to people. Yes, to an extent they give the fans what they want, but you can tell it's because they want it too. Their art is for them, and they just happen to share it with us.

I feel like this will be a very divisive album within the fandom at large, people are either going to love it or hate it. I honestly think it's amazing, but I can understand how it wouldn't be everyone's cup of tea. I just hope that the people who do 't like it, still recognize and respect that this album is the very thing that Sleep Token was built on: subverting expectations, experimenting, and doing whatever the fuck they want with their art in order to tell the story they set out to tell. You can feel the blood, sweat and tears that went into this album, it's about moving forward and knowing who you were, acknowledging you aren't that person anymore, that you never will be again, learning about who you are now; it is about growth and change. It's scary and daunting and heartbreaking, but also so beautiful and hopeful. I just hope that people realize this album wasn't for US, it wasn't made for the fans or to own the haters, it was for THEM.

[aliz5karga]

Words about Gaza and Palestine

I'm not Palestinian. I have no family there. Yet, I mourn those who died, and I cry with those who lost their loved ones. I've been living those past days on autopilot mode. I'm stuck on my phone, looking to be updated on the situation. I am and will not be impacted by this. But my body, my heart is acting as if – because I realize how awful the situation is. It's called being human. It's called having compassion.

We live in a society that forces us to be selfish. To lack compassion, to be completely desensitized to atrocities happening around the world. To go on with our lives. We're a few realizing that the death toll isn't just a bunch of numbers, but a list of people, who had dreams and hopes, friends and a family.

We're a few realizing the importance of life, and how absolutely devilish politicians are. Every single government in this world has and will only care about power and money. It seems obvious, an equivalent to saying the sky's blue, but nobody really grasps how awful governments, worldwide, are...

The West is funding genocide. Joe Biden is supporting "Israel" in their genocide. The U.S. is sending troops and billions in aid to the Israeli regime – they're literally helping "Israel" to exterminate Gazans and colonize Gaza. At least 2000 Palestinian children have been killed and in total, at least 4000 Palestinians have been murdered by the illegitimate State of "Israel".

We live in a world where it isn't outraging and worth burning everything down to see babies being traumatized by war. Newborns coming into this world and whose first sound is either explosions, pain, fear and/or grief. Parents being forced to bury their kids. Children bidding a farewell to their siblings. Entire families being wiped out of the civil registry. Thousands of people have been murdered, and thousands of others are on death row, held hostages by the genocidal regime of "Israel". Because "Israel" decided to cut off access to electricity, water and fuel, hospitals in Gaza are even more struggling to help the injured. The world cries about 40 fake babies, but has nothing to say about 130 real newborns who will be sentenced to death by "Israel" if the blockade doesn't end immediately.

“130 babies at mortal risk in Gaza's hospitals as Israel continues to bar entry of fuel : Israel's 'insistence' to block fuel deliveries needed for hospital generators may cost lives of 130 premature babies, says Gaza Health Ministry” (Anadolu Ajansı)

Worse, they're funding it! They're aiding Israel to murder all these people.

It sends shivers to my spine, it makes my heart sink and it boils my blood when I see those videos of bombs further destroying Gaza ; every single time they touch the ground and detonate, they tear the lives out of many people at once, who thought they'd be safe. I wished those deaths were false, that "Pallywood", as so many disgusting, vile “Israeli” assholes think is real, truly existed. That all these people, all these children, were still among us…

Damn it. I don't know what to think or say. I just want to burn everything down. From what I've seen, many people (thankfully) feel the same.

We need to organize ourselves. We need to accept the (ugly) truth : the government doesn't give a damn about any of us. For the State, money is more important than anything, it's worth killing for. We need to accept it and start organizing ourselves and truly fight for justice. Making them know we don't agree doesn't change anything, voting doesn't change anything – we need to stop playing by their rules because it's useless : we're only fighting for a better illusion of a just society.

We can't live with illusions anymore. Be bad, be angry. Organize and fight for the insurrection. 🔥🏴

If Palestinian children can't dream, then we'll prohibit world leaders from sleeping.

RIOT, STRIKE AND BOYCOTT NOW!

Palestine will be Free, from the River to the Sea! We'll fight until the fall of the apartheid regime. 🍉

Here's what you can do to help the Palestinian cause :

Boycott! Preferably, boycotting all companies that funds the Israeli apartheid is good, but you must absolutely boycott...

Puma

AXA

HP

Siemens

Carrefour

SodaStream

Ahava

Isr*eli produce

Donate to the Palestinian Children's Relief Fund (PCRF) if you can. Uplift Palestinian voices and share everywhere, on every single platform you have, what's going on in Palestine, from Gaza to the West Bank. Settlers are committing an ethnic cleansing in the West Bank, and the IOF has shot dead numerous Palestinians in the West Bank. "Israel" has bombed a mosque in the West Bank too.

This isn't a "war", even less a war against terrorism. It's a genocide. We must fight.