#and i absolutely believe he is going to LOATHE Marius

[erebus0dora]

let's just say that's one of the things i would like to see one day, but so far i just had to get it out of my head

(i caught a cold, i can't do complex stuff)

[cosmicjoke]

I think maybe the hardest part of reading “The Tale of the Body Thief” is just watching Lestat sink further and further into this belief of himself as an irredeemable monster, as an actual devil.  His sense of guilt is vicious, but he doesn’t seem to understand how its very existence proves he isn’t a devil, he isn’t evil.  But as he goes through this truly awful experience of being trapped in the form of a human body, it’s begun to erode away at his memories of mortality, of what it was like when he was genuinely human, to replace it in his mind and in doing so, his estimation of what it is to be human.  He dreams of Claudia laughing at him and telling him that he’s a liar, that he’s always felt being what they are is better than mortality, that he never wanted to be human, that he hates being human.  You can see the dire consequences of this experience for Lestat.  He doesn’t realize being in a mortal body is only so awful for him because he isn’t used to it any more.  He wonders how he EVER endured it.  It seems horrible in comparison to the power and freedom he has in his vampire body.  It would to ANYBODY, especially after so long a period.  But he believes it to be proof of his own evil, how much he hates it.  It’s a reinforcement of his guilt and self-loathing, and of a despair in him, a reminder of the uselessness of trying any more to be part of humanity, to be good, to do good. 

His dreams and visions of David and Louis and Claudia are painful to read.  He imagines them chastising him, calling him out for his self-delusion.  He thinks how he made Claudia because he could, because it was his only way of creating something, of giving his own life purpose, like the candle in the church which can make other flames, and he imagines David asking him why he tries to explain all the terrible choices he’s made as an attempt at some higher purpose.  David isn’t really there.  Neither is Claudia or Louis.  Lestat is asking himself these questions.  He’s criticizing and calling himself out.  He’s drowning in guilt over his actions, over his impulsive and thoughtless nature.  He imagines Claudia telling him that all the deaths she caused were really his, because he made her a killer.  He imagines her telling him he’s had far longer to learn the difference between right and wrong than she did. 

Lestat’s entire negative self-image is so wrapped up in how he was raised, and it’s fucking awful to see unfold.  I know I keep going back to this, but Lestat was made to feel unworthy of love from the time he was a child.  He was made to feel there was something wrong with him, that his very existence and nature made him something of a monster, that he was a burden and a disappointment and a failure.  And that belief gets reinforced again and again and again each time things like this happen, each time he makes a decision which backfires and results in some kind of horrible outcome.  It’s like a self-fulfilling prophecy for him.  Like he’s been told all his life he’s a monster, and so he does things to prove it’s true.  And I think Lestat’s absolute terror at facing the disappointment of those he loves really says it all.  He’s horrified at the prospect here of Louis finding out what he’s done, of Marius finding out, of David finding out.  The thought of their disappointment is appalling to him.  And yet, again and again, whenever he gets himself into these horrific, terrifying, helpless situations, he cries out for them to help him.  When he ends up almost dying from hypothermia and is in the ambulance being driven to the hospital, he begs for their help, he begs for them come and save him.  We saw this from Lestat when he was trapped with Akasha too, or before that, when he played the violin for Akasha and Enkil.  In a way, I think, Lestat gets himself into so much trouble on purpose because he wants to test again and again if the people he loves truly love him in return.  He can’t really believe they do, even as he hopes desperately that they do, that they’ll come to his aid and prove him wrong, because he was raised to believe himself unworthy of love, as unwanted and a perpetual disappointment.  So he pushes again and again and again to see what it’s going to take to finally make the people he loves turn on him.  Again we come back to that self-fulfilling prophecy.  He’s certain he isn’t worthy of their love, and he sets out to make them admit it, to force them to admit what he thinks he already knows, that they really hate him, that they think of him as a burden. 

He’s convinced himself that he’s a monster, that he’s the very devil himself, that he does things purely out of selfishness and with a total disregard for the consequences because he’s evil, and he wants other people to acknowledge it, to tell him he’s right.  I think he wants that at the same time he wants them to tell him he’s wrong too, that he isn’t evil, he isn’t a devil or a monster.  He wants a confirmation from them so that he can stop suffering the way he does.  If he could stop feeling all this guilt, if he could really BE the monster he thinks he is, he wouldn’t be in so much pain.  Because a true monster, a truly evil being, wouldn’t feel any guilt for their actions at all.

I found the contrast between Lestat’s experience of the day time and his experience of the night before really fascinating and revealing as well.  Lestat’s feelings towards humanity, towards the people he encounters during the day, are incredibly charitable and kindhearted.  He’s horribly sick, deathly sick even.  But in the light of day, suddenly, the world and the people in it appear to him as beautiful as they would through his vampire eyes, where the night before everything seemed so ugly and plain and unremarkable to him.  He feels that his experiences in the day light are the experiences he was hoping for.  People see him and are kind to him, asking after his health, trying to help him.  He convinces himself that  he’s a part of them, in that moment.

“Many, many tourists braved the cold as I did to see the famous sights.  I reveled silently in their enthusiasm, realizing that all of these beings were affected by the broad open vistas of the capital city as I was affected by them- that it gladdened them and transformed them to see the vast blue sky overhead, and the many spectacular memorials to the accomplishments of humankind.

“I’m one of them!” I realized suddenly- not Cain forever seeking the blood of his brother.  I looked about me in a daze.  “I’m one of you!”

For a long moment I gazed won upon the city from the heights of Arlington, shivering with cold, and even crying a little at the astonishing spectacle of it- so orderly, so representative of the principles of the great Age of Reason- wishing that Louis were with me, or that David were here, and aching in my heart that they would so surely disapprove of what I had done.

But, oh, this is the true planet I beheld, the living earth born of sunshine and warmth, even under its shimmering mantle of winter snow...

... My heart was bursting as I realized that for these precious hours I wasn’t cut off from the sentiments expressed here.  Indeed, for this little while I mingled with the human crowd, quite indistinguishable from anyone else.

But this was a lie, wasn’t it?  I carried my guilt within me- in the continuity of my memory, in my irreducible individual soul: Lestat the killer, Lestat the prowler of the night.  I thought of Louis’s warning: “You can’t become human by simply taking over a human body!”

Lestat once again is seeking nothing more than to belong.  To find a place where he’s accepted and loved. 

He encounters a woman at the hotel he ends up staying in, who again asks after his health, observing that he must have been outside for a long time to be this sick, and he’s overcome with emotion at her concern.

“I stared at her, absolutely weakened by her concern, and realizing that I was in true danger of bursting stupidly into tears.  I wanted to warn her that I was a monster, that this body was merely stolen.  How tender she was, how obviously habitually kind.

“We’re all connected, all humankind.  We must care for each other, mustn’t we?”

He thinks she’s going to be horrified by what he says, but she only agrees with him, and asks again to let her call a doctor. 

This whole thing is absolutely heartbreaking, I think.  It literally just shows that Lestat only wants to belong.  But he’s so convinced of his own evil, that he can never truly feel like he does.  He’s too guilt-ridden. 

The last line of chapter 13 is really telling, though, in terms of what Lestat is missing.  He thinks he’s a monster, cut off from humanity in that monstrosity.  The nun who cares for him in the hospital offers to take him home with her, and as they’re leaving to get into her car, Lestat has to relieve himself, so he pisses in the snow.  And he says

“Lord God,” I said. “That feels almost good!  What are human beings that they can take pleasure in such dreadful things!”

Lestat is so self-loathing and so guilt ridden, he feels so cut off from humanity because he takes pleasure in “dreadful things”, like killing, like drinking blood from humans.  Because of his impulsive choices and need to break rules.  He hates himself for these things, and feels himself inhuman for being this way, and yet doesn’t realize that’s exactly what humanity is, sometimes.  Human’s themselves are the greatest monsters. 

Well, anyway, I’m loving this book.  I think I’m far enough in to make a determination on that.  I get why some people might hate it, but it’s such a rich psychological study of who Lestat is, and rather than making me sympathize with him less, it’s making me sympathize with him even more.  I feel for him so much, my heart breaks for him so much.  His fear of dying while he’s sick was heart wrenching.  Who wouldn’t be more afraid of dying the longer you’ve been alive?  Lestat thinks of himself as so far removed from his humanity, but he’s actually so deeply in touch with it, it’s kind of remarkable.  He understands the ugliness and horror of death, he understands how scary it is, to die and to never receive any answers.  He understands how unfair it all is.  He understands what it is to be alone, the fear of being unwanted and unloved.

He tells the nun

“And then I decided to do it, I didn’t care what he did with my body if he could put me into this human form for twenty-four hours so that I could see the sunlight, feel what mortals feel, know their weakness and their pain.

... and I decided to do it, simply do it.  Oh, I know it was wrong, wrong to let him go with all the power, but can you imagine, and now you see, I can’t die in this body.  The others won’t even know what’s happened to me.  If they knew, they’d come...”

He relates completely to that human need to be cared for, to be acknowledged and known and remembered.  It’s the thought of dying and his existence having no meaning, no purpose to anyone, the thought of dying in anonymity and alone that scares him so much.  It’s why he keeps thinking of Claudia, and her death, and wondering how she felt, wondering if she was scared in her final moments.  It’s those very qualities that make Lestat human, even if he is a vampire.

But he just can’t cut himself a break.  He’s so hard on himself.  And that’s completely human too.

[actualbird]

LISTEN OKAY, I DO NOT LIKE MARIUS! DO NOT CALL ME OUT ON IT! He's just a spoiled rich brat who has more money than anyone could possibly need and his constant teasing is absolutely the wors-

Imagine Marius crying himself to sleep that night. It's 4am and he fully knows that he has to wake up at 6am. His right eye is slightly swollen and it obviously hurts. Just him trying to muffle his sobs so no one else would hear them... He's the only person in his mansion right now, so he can cry freely but yet... This fact makes him sob even harder...

Yeah... Okay, fine! Marius ain't that bad! 🙄🌺

Another Idea!

Jxudjdkdjdkwmsr

MARIUS FINDS OUT ABOUT LUKE'S MEDICINE AND FIGURES OUT WHY LUKE TAKES IT

Jejsjsjsjwjshwuwj

I AM LIVING FOR THE ANGST

you cant run from loving marius, hibiscus!! BELIEVE ME, I FUCKIN TRIED!!!! he ran after me with his stupid tall person long legs whining and teasing the entire way, tackling me into the Marius Enjoyer Ditch. accept your fate. make peace with it.

also jesus CHRIST.

okay so i hc all the nxx boys hate crying. i can maybe write a whole post on it actually. like artem hates it because crying doesnt Do Anything To Solve Problems, It's A Waste Of Time and Energy (only for himself ofc, it's FINE if other people do it). vyn hates crying because it is indicative of his flaws as a human being and makes him feel so off kilter, he has to use any moment of vulnerability to still make him the one in "power" (SR False Tears). luke hates crying because HOW DARE HE! HOW DARE HE LET HIMSELF INDULGE SORROW AND SADNESS WHEN OTHERS ARE HURTING MORE THAN HE IS??? yeah okay, totally gotta expand on this sometime but marius.....

marius hates crying because it makes him feel childish.

because youre right. he is a rich brat. he has everything he could possibly have and here he is wanting to sob until his throat is dry all because the person he loves doesnt want his love. boo fuckin hoo, cry harder rich boy, he thinks to himself. such a burning self deprecation, a horrid self loathing. maybe luke does have a point. who would want love from somebody like him? afterall, hes just a brat. just some stupid kid.

i can very easily see marius having been a crybaby when he was a child. but like how his fear of the dark started (SSR In The Darkness), maybe some other kids somehow hammered in an experience and message that will last for the rest of his life:

you still cry? geez, marius, when the hell are you ever going to grow up?

as for your second idea that made me go "jesus CHRIST (reprise)", im not sure if youve read this already so ignore this if u did, but i wrote something like that in my fic "and i feel my past regrets slipping into present tense" it's not a marluke fic/scene but marius does see luke in a Bad Situation with his meds and his illness. it's a scene im still happy about, irt how it came out :DDD

i handshake you. i am also living for the angst. cry harder, boys, the emotional catharsis im getting outta this is PRICELESSSSS

[angmarwitch]

A/N: In honor of the opening of The Phantom of the Opera in the Philippines, I give you this fic. I hope you enjoy! (the title is taken from Masquerade from TPOTO)

Summary: 

When his half-brother dragged him to attend a Halloween party, Orm thinks that he will have a terrible night. Well, that's until he found someone with a matching costume.

(Or Orm dresses as Raoul de Chagny from the Phantom of the Opera in Bruce Wayne's Halloween Party and he meets you, who is dressed as Christine)

Warnings: None so far, but maybe just a little fluff and some occasional angst from Orm. Also, a bit OOC(?)

Perhaps of all the things Orm Marius hated in the surface world, there is nothing that can compare to the sheer loathing he felt for parties. Even when he was still the former King of Atlantis, Orm never enjoyed parties and was only forced to partake in the feasts and banquets in order to fulfill his duties as a King and to appease his subjects and the Atlantean nobles. For him, such events were too loud and annoying and simply an inefficient way to interact with people so he avoided them as much as he can.

So when his obnoxious King of a brother asked, no, forced Orm to accompany him to a party, the younger royal refused, violently. He even went as far as threatening to kill Arthur, for real this time, if the half breed would continue pestering him with such a stupid notion.

Yet, all his efforts had gone to waste when Atlanna asked him to go, saying that it would be a good way for him to assimilate with humans and learn more about their culture. Not wanting to disappoint his beloved Mother, Orm relented and accepted another defeat.

It was the reason why he is here now, standing awkwardly in the corner of a stranger's house (apparently, the owner had been one of his brother's allies in their little group called Justice League, he recalls Arthur calling him Wayne or something like Batman) in an equally uncomfortable costume his brother got him. Inasmuch as he hated socializing with these low-life surface-dwellers (humans, Arthur would correct), he does want to admit that a few of them actually had good taste and upbringing. It's a shame that some actually befriended his beloved half-brother.

Shifting, he tried to fix his ill-fitting clothing, his costume. At first, he really didn't understand the prospect of wearing this ensemble but Arthur patiently explained that they were attending a Halloween party. It was a surface tradition to wear such attire to celebrate the event. If he were given the chance, he would have just worn his normal Atlantean regalia but his brother pointed out that it was a human event, thus Orm ought to wear human clothing.

The now King of Atlantis even offered to choose his clothing. Skeptical of his brother's ability and tastes though, Orm demanded he picks his own clothes. He was thankful that he did for Arthur had almost dressed him in a dragon costume so that he might match Mera and Arthur's "Game of Thrones" attires. The dragon was supposed to be Mera's pet or child. Orm refuses to degrade himself further like that. The Prince was a perfectionist and if he had to attend this Halloween party, his clothing would need to be as perfect and dignified as he is.

In his short stay in the surface, Orm had gone to enjoy some of the mediocrity the humans had invented and produced. One of the things he had come to love here was music. His home had never lacked gifted musicians and composers, however, it appears that the same can be said with the surface dwellers (he wasn't a keen fan of modern music though). A music lover, Orm absolutely became engrossed with the works of Chopin, Beethoven, Vivaldi, and Bach. He also admired the beauty of operas, musicals, and theatres, one from which he took the inspiration for his Halloween garments.

Scanning the crowd, he tried to look for his idiot half-brother to ask him how long he needed to stay here before he could return home. The incessant prattle of people was grating his nerves and he doesn't think he can stand another woman try to coax him into a conversation.

But instead of finding his brother, his eyes landed on a familiar figure, one that seemed to have been caught in the same predicament as he is.

You stood out amongst the sea of people that surrounded you. You wore nothing but a simple gown of white, a wedding gown, a design that he knows by heart. Your hair was styled with little waves, fanning around your heart-shaped face, and appeared to be bouncing each time you moved. Your face had been devoid of all the freakish colors, makeup as Arthur called it, other women had covered their faces.

Orm can sense your nervousness and unease from across the room. He wasn't an expert in reading surface-dwellers but he feels that like he, you were also dragged to attend this event without any say. This night was supposed to be for fun. An idea came into his mind, perhaps he could remedy that. The question is if you would humor him, given that the two of you matched outfits. It was truly coincidence but not an unwelcome one.

A shy smile graced your lips and a beautiful shade of pink dusted your cheeks as soon as you met his eyes. He waited for a hint of recognition in your features and when your eyes widened, he knew that you finally realized why he had taken a particular interest in you. Smirking, he walked slowly towards you,  in a non-predatory way, afraid that you might leave. He always had that effect to other surface dwellers.

You didn't though.

"Hello, little lotte," he greeted, his eyes lighting with amusement, closing the distance between you. He bowed his head a little, copying the actions of gentlemen in those lousy romantic movies Arthur and his Mother had forced him to watch, and it was working.

"Monsieur," you replied, giggling softly as you dipped into a curtsy. Smoothing your skirts with one hand, you offered the other to him which he gladly accepted.

Orm, who had the mind to thank Arthur later (for the first time and hopefully also the last), bent to press a kiss on the back of your hand. He was immediately rewarded with a modest laugh from you and he thinks that he likes the sound of it.

"Waiting for your Phantom, I presume?" He asked, straightening himself, your hand still remaining in his. You smiled sheepishly, tucking a stray strand of hair behind your ear, the color of your cheeks deepening prettily. Now that he had a clear view of your appearance, he believes that you looked even more enchanting. How can a surface dweller have this much allure? He mused. Recalling the musical he had based his guise on, he now understands why Raoul and the Phantom had fallen for Christine.

"No, I don't think I need to anymore, Monsieur," you said, shaking your head, eyes transfixed on your connected hands. "My Vicomte has finally arrived."

Grinning as he offered you his arm, Orm concluded that surface parties and its dwellers may not be that bad at all.

And yes, he will definitely thank his idiot half-brother later.

More A/N:  *I wanted to add a picset but unfortunately, my computer is malfunctioning.

*Little Lotte is the nickname Raoul had given Christine. It was from the story her Father used to tell them when they were younger. 

*Vicomte is Raoul’s title it is the equivalent of Viscount I think. 

*The Game of Thrones reference is a bit lousy/cheesy but I had to do it. lol