#and how they had a sense of self that then got squished into ill-fitting shapes | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

cesium-sheep · 9 months ago

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I ended up chatting with amy for a bit about how sick I am, and about fighting to exist before. it was really nice to talk to them. they understand the shit I say, I have some longer friendships but they're the longest contiguous contact so they understand me to an exceptional degree. they understand how bad it is, even though or because I can't actually explain.

it's easy to just depersonalize and forget and drift by, I was depersonalized for so long both interpersonally and psychologically and it's so easy to fall back into, especially with the brain fog and the literal physical numbness. but being sick is so lonely.

I miss them. I miss you all.

I miss everything.

#at one point we were talking about the sense of self #and how they had a sense of self that then got squished into ill-fitting shapes #and I just. didn't get to have one to start with.#they were a square watermelon and I was a bonsai tree.#I want to save that bit double.#I already took screencaps of it to save but I want to write it down.#at least since the sleeping arrangements got shuffled around I can cry silently in peace #without bothering anyone or being bothered #(the whole conversation started because apparently the hit new anime is triggering to them)#(and I was apologizing that I probably wouldn't be able to remember that)#(and then I had to bitch a bit about how sick I am and it spiraled out from there because they're a very close friend)

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