#and how incoming lore changes have given me pause to think and stew

[ladybuvelle]

// So the thing is:

When I very first started roleplaying as Sona I took to it very differently than I do now. At the time I had never RPed as a pre-established character before. I’d always been an OC of my own making. But I was getting into League and a RPC I was frequenting had a room dedicated to League RP (this was many years ago now, before Discord even).

I’ve talked about it before but I’ll say it again here for context; I was in a very, very bad place in my life at that time, mentally and emotionally. My relationships with friends and family were extremely toxic and abusive, and I don’t exaggerate when I say I felt dead inside at that time. I couldn’t even draw anymore. There was nothing in me to bring me any kind of happiness anymore. I was trying. I’ve always tried. But man... back then I was in it.

It was a completely random whim that I decided to RP Sona and try something new. I never thought it would last. So when I approached the character and the idea I went at it very loosely and purely for the fun of it. She was sassy but fun. Strong but had fragile parts. Largely I was self-inserting, but it was self-inserting in a way that was my ideal. If I could pretend to be happy that was better than nothing.

But the abuse followed me even there. Eventually I migrated to Tumblr after realizing people roleplayed here. I reached out and contacted some people, which was probably really weird for them to be contacted by someone who wasn’t even on Tumblr! I was RPing with Tumblr people before I even made a blog.

And when I finally did make a blog, I thought again it wasn’t going to last. Maybe a month, tops.

Well. I’ve been here like... what, 6-7 years now? So.

Again, I’ve said it before, but making this blog saved me. That sounds really dumb, but the community I found here and the sudden influx of love and attention made me able to draw again. It was like scraping mud off old, rusted pipes, but after awhile I shone like a pearl. At one point I was so happy and so ecstatic and euphoric I practically stayed up 3 days straight drawing stupid sketches. I couldn’t stop. The floodgates were open and I was so full of energy I couldn’t sleep. I didn’t even feel sleepy.

(Don’t do that by the way.)

But those are the good things. At that time I was still approaching Sona in a lighthearted way, making her kind of sassy and ladylike but not all that shy. I even remember telling a friend back then my intention wasn’t to make Sona into just another waifu. She deserved better than that.

Time passes and things change. And life changes. And what you want out of a character and what you need in your own real life start to blur. Depression isn’t something that gets up and goes away. Just because I made it out of those old bad times doesn’t mean it was all smooth sailing.

I didn’t notice it right away, but I admit to it; I started to RP Sona as more timid, more depressed, more scared of the world and of herself. I reasoned all of it of course. I made the narrative work for her. And with no new lore for a billion years there wasn’t really anything stopping me. If anything that just made it easier to make things worse for her.

Sona isn’t a real character. But I don’t think she deserves that. I don’t deserve that. While all roleplayers project on their muses to some degree, and for many different reasons, not all of those reasons are healthy. Sometimes you have to stop yourself and really ask; am I making my character do this because it’s right for them and their story? Or am I doing this because this is how I feel and I’m making them suffer for it? That I want me character to suffer the way I’m suffering, as if that gives me some feeling of control over these uncontrollable emotions and circumstances I’m going through?

Roleplay can be therapeutic. It can let you work out different scenarios in a safe space. But when you’re in a constant cycle of your muse being depressed and self destructive, and you never let them have a resolution, and you keep reinforcing those ideas... that’s not healthy for you, the roleplayer. Something more is going on. Something is wrong. You can’t only blame the lore you’re given.

It’s like self-deprication and constantly telling people you’re dumb and you’re sorry for being so stupid and ugly or a bad friend. It’s not healthy for you. It’s not healthy for me.

So with all that said I really want to take this time and opportunity with Sona getting new voice lines and potentially a lore update (YOU’D BETTER, RIOT) to let my muse breathe a little easier. Let me own mind let go of some things. I’ve already done a few things in my personal life to let go of old items that have kept me tied to trauma and painful memories. It’s a process.

And yes, of course, RP is not that serious! It’s not at all. But given my history with Sona like this... I dunno, it becomes more intimate. For me. I’ve grown a lot. I’ve learned a lot. About people and art and relationships and how to feel about myself. But it’s not over. I can’t become complacent in my feelings. I need to be aware of myself and keep a handle on this dragon called depression.

It’s important to me.