#and honestly. i wish i had been a better friend. because theres not much i can do now. except hope she can save herself.

[yutamayo]

Do you think Geto Suguru deserved better friends?

Geto Suguru deserves the moon and the stars.

In relation to your question though, I think he had the great friends he deserved, but they just hadn't grown up in time to realize that friendship can't heal everything.

I think they tried their best with Geto, or felt they had at the time. They all had fun together, faced horrors, and grew together; but the mentality of "we can do anything" was a double edged sword.

For example, Gojo said "we're the strongest." The hope and naivete they all had in their ability to keep moving forward stopped them from ever imagining their friend could succumb to all the pain. I'm not blaming Geto in any way, but nobody is a mind reader. He wasn't well and it showed, but he did hide the majority of it from the people who would have helped him (if he had asked the right ones). I don't think he wanted to show weakness, a.k.a his wavering faith in the Jujutsu way, and I think that's why he asked the older sorcerer about his dark thoughts instead of his close friends. He saw them as they saw themselves; strong enough to overcome anything. And I believe they felt he saw himself that way too.

They had too much faith in strength because I know, even when noticing his struggles, they likely believed he'd get through it. He always had, until he didn't.

I don't think believing someone can get through struggle makes you a bad friend, and I wouldn't say they didn't try hard enough to notice the signs because at that point, they had too much faith. They all thought they were in it together.

Obviously we could say looking back, "Why didn't you keep asking him what was wrong, even though he answered 'nothing' the first time." But life, and friendship, isn't that simple. Unfortunately most people only learn to push past the face value of the people they love, when they've learned from previous misfortunes. And sadly, they had to learn that from Geto's downfall. What he did wasn't something they could recover from, obviously, so there was no, "Let's work on this."

It was just like every other shock, like when a friend commits suicide and you look back thinking, "I didn't know it was that bad."

On top of the fact they were distracted by life & death situations every day/basically saving the world, and alongside the fact I don't believe anything like that had happened with a Jujutsu Sorcerer before Geto, they just didn't think it was a possibility.

I get that, and I feel that anyone who says they don't, is lying to themselves.

That's why people remind others to check in on their friends. Like, really check in. Sometimes, we have too much faith in our loved ones strengths.

He had amazing friends, and I only wish they had been given the opportunity to express their pain more. If anything, I blame the leaders and higher-ups at JJHigh. They definitely didn't have enough mental/emotional supports for the literal teenagers thrown into that kind of world, and I could never blame those kids for not understanding the consequences of carrying that weight until they were forced to face them.

It reminds me of a quote I love;

-

I'm sorry I keep saying, how are you? When I really mean, are you happy? - Ocean Vuong

-

I know this is an anime post but, check in on your loved ones, please.

And ask twice.

[sonknuxadow]

they werent lying that knuckles series barely has knuckles in it

[miserable-sarah]

The Date

Pairings: Sam x Reader warnings: None Requested: Hello! Your fanfics are sensational and I get lost in your stories, especially Sam's. I would like to ask for a story inspired by dandelions song between Sam Winchester x reader, very cute and romantic.

~

You look at yourself in the mirror for the 10th time, you fix your dress, you fluff your hair, you stand there and practice your smile. You don't like the way your hair looks, you think your make up could look better. You sigh and flop on the bed.

"You look fine!" Cas whines. You have him 'trapped' in your room so he can tell you if you need to change anything but he's getting annoyed because you don't believe him anyway.

"Sam told me to dress nice." You tell Cas, you sigh again getting off the bed. Cas grabs your hands.

"Y/n, you look perfect. I promise."

"Thanks Cas." You smile at him "You can leave if you want." You giggle. Cas leaves the room, you look at yourself again and take a deep breath. You're not sure what Sam has planned your dates are usually casual sometimes when it's an important date they're a little fancier. You walk downstairs, you see Dean and Cas sitting down at the table talking about whatever.

"You look great!" Dean says smiling.

"Did Cas tell you to say that?" You smirk at him.

"Wh-what!? Of course not!" Dean chuckles

"Okay." You tease "Thank you."

"Sam gave me this." Dean hands you a letter, you look at it confused and open it. 'Meet me at the first spot I laid eyes on you.' You smiled to yourself knowing where to go.

"I'll take you." Dean says hoping out of his chair walking up the stairs, you follow behind him.

"We have to go to the beach." You say getting butterflies. "So, what's he planning?" You ask Dean. You know Sam is up to something and you know Dean knows.

"I don't know." Dean says quickly not moving his eyes from the road.

"Dean.. I know you know."

"No, no I don't." He says matter of factly.

"you're not going to tell me?"

"I wouldn't even be able to if I wanted because I don't know."

"Fine." You cross your arms. You're not against surprises you love them, it's just you're so nervous and you don't know why. Sam is the best boyfriend you've ever had, he cares for you deeply, he pays attention, he helps you when you're down, he cheers you up, he makes your days so much brighter, he is your forever. You honestly don't know where you'd be without which scares you but makes you feel safer with him. You know he would never do anything to hurt you. You can't believe how lucky you got, someone was listening to your wishes.

"We're here." Dean stops with a huge smile. When you get out of the car your body is shaking you're so nervous. You don't even know why. You can see lights lighting up the walkway, you smile at how beautiful they are. You slowly walk down a few stairs and walk on the path, you see rose petals spread out everywhere, you can't help the big smile on your face, your heart is pounding in your ears.

You see Sam standing by the beach with flowers in his hand, theres a table set up in the sand with champagne waiting to be popped. You can hear Dandelions by Ruth B. being played in the background. You smile and walk towards him.

(Song)

"Sam, this is wow." You say not even having words. You gasp loudly when you see Sam get down on one knee.

"Y/n Y/L/N" He starts, he pulls out a little black box "I saw you here 2 years ago, the moment I saw you I knew I wanted you to be mine. I knew I had to have you. I got so shy walking up to you I stuttered just saying hello." You both giggle. "The look in your eyes when you saw me, it was nothing I've ever seen. From that day we've been best friends, unfortunately I was scared because of my job and that held me back, but you reassured me you'd be fine by tactling me to the ground." You laugh again. "And at that moment I knew I wanted you for the rest of my life, I knew you were the one for me, I knew I'd be forever happy with you in my life so," He opens the box revealing a beautiful ring inside. "Y/n, will you please marry me?"

Your hand is covering your mouth, you have tears flowing down your cheeks. "Yes! Yes!" You squeal with excitement. Same carefully places the ring on your finger you can hear Dean and Cas cheering in the background, he hugs you tightly swirling you around.

"I can't believe we're engaged!" You kiss him, he kisses you back passionately. "I love you so much, Sam."

"I love you more than words can describe." Sam pops the champagne and hands you a glass. "To the future Mrs. Winchester!" Dean joins in on the toast. You smile to yourself just think how lucky you really are. You are going to marry Sam Winchester.

[pasta-in-the-pudding]

Guess Who's back ✨

Anyways..What would Jeff be like if he found out Reader was pregnant?

AGHHH I LOVE GETTING TO WRITE FOR DOMESTIC SITUATIONS!!

Weddings, babies, moving in together i love it all 💗

Thank you so much for requesting!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jeff finding out you're pregnant

Jeff has always been firm on the notion that he does not want kids

He thinks kids are annoying and gross and stinky

And there's also some insecurity of him not being able to be a good dad, considering his job, his upbringing, even his appearance

All around, kids are a firm no for him

So when you begin experiencing morning sickness he kind of just denies the very possibility that you could even get pregnant

But you, being at least a little more reasonable than him, decides its better safe than sorry and goes out to buy a test

When you get back, you inform him that you're gonna take the test just to be sure to which he straight up laughs

"You won't need it, because I can tell you right now you're not pregnant"

And so, after a few minutes of waiting anxiously after taking the test, you look at the results and see....a positive

A hand goes to your stomach, the tears already streaming down your face

Jeff, who decided he would wait with you snatches the test and does several takes

He's honestly just speechless, he didn't even really think he could get anyone pregnant, which may have just been wishful thinking on his part

He looks at you, and you look at him

Your face is one of pure joy, and his is a mix of confusion, fear and disgust

"We aren't keeping it, right?" He asks after looking at your face for a while

You frown and smack his arm "jeff! How could you even suggest that?!"

"We aren't prepared for a kid! We've never even talked about it! Not to mention, what kind of life would that kid have?? Growing up in a house full of murderers and monsters, the kid's guaranteed to be fucked in the head!"

"You aren't even going to give this a chance?" You ask frustratedly "you created this with me, you know! The least you could do is take responsibility!"

He groans and storms out of the room, leaving you to cry alone

When he gets back he is less angry, and clearly just got done "blowing off some steam" made clear by the fresh blood on his hoodie

You aren't crying anymore, he comes into the room and sighs before sitting with you on your bed

You are both very quiet for a while, just sitting together

He finally speaks, but he doesn't look at you. He couldn't bear to

"I love you, you know? I just get....i just feel really scared right now because I don't know what to do. I'm not in control and that scares me"

You look at him and place a hand on his cheek "if you wanna get rid of it, then we can discuss our options?" You offer

He shakes his head "i dont wanna get rid of it....i just...i don't want to mess this up, you know?"

You scoot closer to him and lay your head on his shoulder "you won't mess it up..." you look at your stomach and then grab his hand and place it on your lower belly "if you love this baby as much as you love me, theres no way you could" you say looking up at him with a smile

He looks at your stomach and then at you "im still so, so scared" he whispers to you "i dont know anything"

You kiss his nose and press your forehead to his "it's ok. We'll learn together"

He smiles "ok"

After that first whole fight, he actually gets pretty excited about the baby!

You manage to pay slender to get a room that you can make into a nursery, and announce the news to your close friends

Jeff is always buying things for the baby. Toys, clothes, blankets, etc

He also loves to talk to the baby, telling your little one all about the day that he had and how much he loves them

He's still hates kids, but his kid is amazing

(Also authors note i wanna write more general preganancy hcs for jeff bc hes so silly)

[robotnuts]

heres my bitching post sorry

the main thing i didnt like was how they treated grif's character. he was so angry and i feel like some of his character got leeched out to simmons. for a season that tried to call back so much to the original, that even tried to even out the great destroyer plotline from BGC that didn't make any sense, i wish they handled grif's character with more care. like a red team member manipulating sarge to do what they want is GRIF'S mo, not simmons, and i wish grif had been the one to rally and convince sarge to come help caboose instead of simmons. i feel like the grimmons breakup was the emotional scene that hit the least for me i didnt cry about it i only started crying when the credits rolled, and thats because grif felt pretty ooc for me. which sucks as a grifhead but what can you do

similarly theres kind of a weird abuse apologia thing going on where its like. im fine with how sarge treats grif because it's so clearly like water off a duck's back and grif just manipulates sarge to get his way and rolls his eyes at him and doesnt give a fuck throguhout seasons 1-10, i can take it just as a fictionalized comedy duo that isn't taking itself seriously and grif isn't actually 1:1 like a soldier being abused by his superior irl. and then shisno had the problem of making grif go "actually this really hurts my self esteem and makes me feel bad" and makes you retroactively view their dynamic in a different light. this isnt as bad as shisno, but having sarge say "i was only hard on you because i wanted to push you to be better" made me like :/ because. yknow. if we're taking it seriously, the fact that sarge was "psuhing" grif doesnt make his treatment okay. what makes his treatment okay is that theyre wacky halo man characters and obviosuly there has to be a crazy sargeant character and its not really bothering grif that much. but :/ very minor but i thoguht id mention it

um um um. tex coming back was incredible and made me scream i knew she was gonna come back i was spoiled but i didnt expect how theyd do it. really good. they got me again with the fucking chex at the end of course they did!!!!!!!!

oh right biching. um. what the fuck was going on with wash honestly LMAO like him having his fuckign DID and talkign about his memory issues was completely made for me but his role in this season was so funny and strange WHY DOES HE HAVE A DOC TULPA OH MY GODDDD. like in my ideal world of a final season it absoltuely would have had a more filled out cast and wash and carolina woul dhave been part of the reds and blues the whole time because i want this to be my sitcom where everyone is friends forever but like. I do understand why burnie wanted to take down the cast to sarge/grif/simmons/caboose as the original four founders (rip joel LMAO).

also the stuff with tucker was so scary !!! ahhhHhh why did they send him to time prison for 10 years AHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! SCARY!!!!!!!!!!!

idk ill also update this post with stuff that i loved it was really funny and i did like it overall, i need to watch it again i was tipsy/drunk for most of it and also talking about it irl so i missed some bits that my friends went crazy for and i need to watch the commentary. its not all bitching thats just waht sticks in my mind easier. god that campfire scene with the barenaked ladies song i was CRYINGGGG. it obviously felt short/rushed or whatever but like. ugh. its just a potential possible future anyways you guys KNOW in my head all the reds and blues are together on chorus forever and ever always doing their bits. i really am just glad we got more of it to watch together and got to get on burnie's wild ride one last time. thank you

[fictionfixations]

honestly so happy that its easier to grind in hsr then genshin cause im actually able to properly build my characters instead of whatever mess i had in that game (i got the right artifacts but trying to get materials for anything was a bit of a pain to me)

also that the resin (i dont know what its called in this game im using genshin terms) can like. overflow into this other thing??? is. so helpful. (i stopped playing at one point so i just came back to both being full. and then when i realized what it actually did it was a godsend because it made it so much easier to fully commit to grinding. i know in genshin you can make the resin this little thing? condensed?? but thats a thing you have to do yourself i think)

all im missing is leveling up the lightcones and traces

and im only missing the traces because i already used up weekly bosses. THATS IT.

robin and ratio have the same boss material so all i have to do then is get the other resources which isnt actually that hard (ill only have an issue if i cant material synthesis or exchange or whatever since i need to do it for the robin stuff that you get from enemies that can ambush you, i dont know what you refer to them as, but cause i havent unlocked penacony yet lol)

and the only lightcones that might give me issue is because highlighted is penacony material stuff

(yes i put final victor on ratio LMFAO)

so YEAHH i feel like im doing pretty good in that department. also ive caught up to penaconys story i just havent started in-game because i wanted to see where it all leads up to and then go back to see all the foreshadowing and get a better understanding of what happened since it also confused me, so im waiting for a time i can just sit there for countless hours and focus. i even switched to eng vas so i dont end up misreading something

(anyway i only got to trying to max out my characters as much as i can until i can level them higher because before i got stuck on so many quests that required a fight 😭, yanqing, argenti, i hate battling you oh my god)

actually on that topic everyones relics arent fully maxed out.

ive only been leveling this cause 5 star dan heng is my main damage dealer

and the healer because im fucked without them (its natasha, but im open to changing it if i find a better healer or shield 🙏)

on that topic:

i returned to honkai star rail because aventurine. i focused on the story because aventurine. (got spoiled his story, realized 'what the fuck hes cool i like him' and watched someone go through the story) i came back in time for his banner but you know what? i had like zero wishing stuff because id stopped playing so i missed out unfortunately

i have friends who have aventurine as like one of the support characteres thingy tho? like the the where you can get support from other peoples characters

so thats been fun. but also auto is kind of bad with aventurine. or maybe because it thinks 'oh theres already a shield, so i wont e' which is pain. on the other hand actually playing instead of having it on auto is fun with aventurine. i like planning around it and thinking of who to have use their skills while keeping in mind when i should have him refresh his shield. i cant explain to you how it hurts seeing hp missing with a shield around it because i cant do anything about it (im the type of person who likes to keep my characters hp full ngl)

probably not the best decision to want shield over a healer but. i can make it work. maybe. i just want aventurine ok. (except for phantylia who as far as im aware is the only one who can just TAKE hp like that? without even affecting shields???)

[valdrift]

as the end of 2024 has been getting closer ive been both dreading and anticipating the new year and its a feeling tht i really dislike lol (more under cut bc my rambling got way longer than i thought 😦)

like i moved out 2022 and its been amazing for both my mental health and growth as a person since being away from my family gave me the space to figure out what i want to do and how to. idk. live ? got medicated, developed better coping mechanisms, made great friends, etc. i mean im living with my friends rn and theyre like family and i just got licensed to be an lvt and its all great ! but the thing is that my bio family need me and thts probably the root of the issue

cus my family is dirt poor, like living on gov aid, and none of them can work so growing up i was always told how i needed to be successful to take care of them even though i had plenty of rich relatives and i always wondered why none of them bothered to help and decided to put all that responsibility on a kid ?? and i was pretty much raised into being my family's eventual caretaker. from 13-17 i used to be so angry/depressed/resentful about it and hated my family bc it felt like they robbed me of my agency but now, i cant blame them. im not saying they should have done tht to a kid but i understand why. theres a bunch of complicated legal things and other stuff i dont want to get into and my family are either old, disabled, or both and god knows my relatives arent going to help so its up to me yknow ? its why im moving back in with them by 2025 to take care of them. and i love my family, i really do even if i dont tell them bc we dont talk like that and we all know it anyways. my mom is such a strong person despite how everyone looks down on her and i want her to have nice things, i want my family to live in a house that is clean and not falling apart, i want my mom to not have to ever worry about working and to have time for herself bc shes been stuck caring for kids for half her life. i love my family, i want to take care of them, and im angry i never got a choice. family is complicated and i wish it was as easy as just going "i dont want this responsibility" but i know its not

i keep telling myself that this is just how things are supposed to be and im going to spend the rest of my life taking care of them and i thought i accepted it but theres still some small part of me thats reluctant. i know im never going to have a partner or romance bc my family is and always will be my first priority and ig thats sad but i really dont mind. and im not just saying that, like genuinely im fine being single, i dont need companionship and have never felt that loneliness. im just fine with my friends and i dont need anything more, it just kinda sucks i dont get that choice. the whole thing is kinda sad and ive been told as much but these are the cards life dealt me and better me than someone else i guess

truth is im kind of scared, it feels like my life has already peaked and being away from my family has been so freeing but its selfish and damn if i dont want to be selfish for just a little longer. but its hard when i can see my mom getting older and the house getting worse and im angry that this isnt as easy as it should be. this country is awful and the systems in place are cruel and makes life as difficult as possible for people of color, the poor, and disabled. i know i'll get over it and i'll be moving back in and helping them like i promised but i'm only 22. my relatives are acting like i'm wasting my life every second im not helping my family or working towards making 6 figures or whatever and i won't lie it's put doubts in my mind. but im only 22!!!! i dont know. maybe im being dramatic because honestly it could be worse and we're even lucky to have a roof over our heads and to even have a steady source of income no matter how little it is. ive never told anyone the last bit abt being scared and all that, i think its easier to type it than say it, and it also helps i dont have a face to yall and i dont have to look you in the eye. i dont know if ive ever shared this much or anything like this on here either lol. i dont know

tldr; do it scared i guess

[roguesnezblog]

Trigger warning - Vent stuff (Suicide, bullying etc.) I am not feeling great. And I'm going to censor everything below if you don't want to read. But this post I wanted to make, one, for my own benefit. mentally, but I also feel like people who are in the same position as me could use an understanding ear. So...

Feeling real horrible. Like I shouldn't exist. To put it bluntly. Making the rounds of depression again. I want to type this out here and will most likely delete this later because being vunerable on the internet is not exactly, sometimes, met with anything good.

I won't go into detail on as to why either, since opening up about things you've done is usually weaponized online too. But lets say this: I have been made to feel, in some online spaces, that, My existance and presense should be eradicated.

I have been treated this way by these people for years. Over 5 years now. I had been bullied, and called horrible things, been witch hunted all the works that online crap can bring. And most people are in agreement, I should get over it by now. Who scares if a few people don't like you, don't want you around them? They have a right to believe that, and it's not like I didn't deserve it.

And I suppose in truth a part of me agrees. I dont expect approval, nor do I expect to be liked, a part of me rationally knows this. Not everyone online is going to be on a sympathetic understanding side of things.

But another part of me creeps back. You see, during this time, when people turned on me violently, for mistakes I've made and regret, I got low. Real low. Suicide low. I figured I was diplorable. Unforgivable. Disgusting. I felt like I should be punished. I did. Yanno. Self harm. A lot.

I figured the world would be better. Easier, if I wasn't in it. They made me believe this.

But I was always in conflict with reality. You see online isn't really half of my life. I have good parents, not perfect, but good. And a family who cares about me, and deep down, I knew if I was gone, if anyone, they would suffer for it.

So ...Suicide wasn't really an option. Not properly.

I had no choice but to endure lots of inflammatory comments, being excluded, distanced, the community (not this one) I wanted to feel a part of, and enjoy a love of drawing was...cruel.

I could rant more about what they did. How much they alienated and hurted me, broke down my character and warped me into this...percieved monster. But theres no point. And yanno I don't want to get into details like I said.

But a part of me still thinks that Im not a victim here. That I deserve it.

It's the rest that feels inconsolable. I don't want to die. I don't want to feel like thats the only option for me. To be erased. And think how much easier it would be for everyone else that I didn't exist.

But I want to be a kind person. I don't want to make people uncomfortable with my presense, or existance.

I shouldn't spare mercy to people who don't care. I know...But it's hard not to think when for your entire life you've been messed up.

Im pretty sure being some kinda autistic or at least neurodivergant doesn't help...(I haven't got diagnosed yet. Being a part of british NHS sucks. It would take me 5 years to get someone to see me. So they told me, and I'm considering private, but that costs 2,000 pounds and...Im scared honestly)

Anyway.

This feeling is often met with apathy, or "just don't think about it" by friends and family, who know somewhat about all this.

But it's hard.

It's heavy.

I just wish forgiveness could be an option. The mistakes I made, I learned from, and have never done again. But it's not enough.

It feels like this unending maw, gaping and cavernous. Swallowing me whole until it leaves nothing but that mistake left. They make it me. It's all I am. My identity. I am a literal monster to them. Something to fear like a boogeyman.

Not a dumb young adult who had no idea what they were doing.

I am nearly 30 now. I regret being stupid. Not knowing things, being ignorant and not just....being more calm at the time, but when people jump on you, you panic.

I have dug this hole. I know that... but it feels like I was forced to.

And the prolonged suffering, it's just....

I was happy for a time. You know? The fear and guilt lifted about a year ago for a while. When I found people who appriecate me, who care and want me around in that community, My confidence for a while was up. And I felt like I COULD exist. Live again, and be in spaces without feeling like I was a leech. I was happy and even talked to people in calls. I didn't have nightmares and I didn't feel like I needed to quit my freelance work.

There was...a couple of incidents, where I let my confidence blind me, approached people who haven't forgiven me, and told me to fuck off.

Which I did, to be fair...like I say: I don't have to be friends with everyone.

But...recently, the community pool has gotten thin. Drama happened (not to do with me, thank fuck, I couldn't deal with that stress I feel terrible for the people who have to endure it.) and spaces that were safe have been deleted. And the people who scorn me are now making a new space for them to pool into.

I've been excluded from that space.

That doesn't bother me, I have friends who will remain by my side. And this kinda happens everyone 6 months or so that people move spaces. But-

It's gut wrenching, to feel safe and forgiven. And then to be reminded that no, infact; You can't escape.

My friends will stay in spaces I feel safe in. And I know really- I'm not gonna loose much. But to be reminded that your existance would rather be purged? It's...not a fun feeling. Not to feel especially due to the struggles I've been facing and facing hard these past few months.

I suppose by writing all this, and saying all this, I just can't help but wonder in this mind space...Is it me? My fault? My brain is the one doing this...I am jumping from: Oh people I don't even like don't want me around? Better go die.

I made the mistake in the end....And this is my punishment. My torment for making a mistake.

It's ridiculous really...I shouldn't be feeling this way. But yet I am....I feel hopeless, empty. Sullen. Like theres no point, like all I feel and have been doing to grow, and move on....it doesn't matter. Because nothing changes.

I'm not sure exactly why Im writing this, or why Im even sharing these feelings, perhaps I just want people to talk to. Much as I love my friends, they get uncomfy talking like this... They can be dismissive and they don't really want to find a solution or confront it. I am just told to "forget it" and such. As I said before. But it doesn't help you know?

Putting this out there, it may make it worse...Which honestly; I fear. People online can look at something like this and use it to try make you worse, or kill yourself. Like....some people really just...get a kick out of making you feel like crap.

Im sure this is a sentiment that a lot of people, a lot of you, understand. It's cruel. Bullying and....I wish it would go away, not just for me, but for all of us....But I also hope a part of this can....maybe help someone?

That...something like this, isn't unusual....(unfortunately) and that some of you out there have been through the same thing...or are currently going through the same thing. And if thats the case...As someone who is feeling it at the current moment I want to say this to you:

You matter. You deserve to exist. You CAN live. And ...so long as you learn from your mistakes...That doesn't make you an evil, or even just a bad, person. You're a good person. You're a good person if you want to be better.

And....for you. I will keep this in mind for myself too. I fucked up. Maybe you did too...But we can be fuck ups together.

--------------------------------------------------------

I am not ok, but I think I will be. Admittedly, I could just not post this, but I think theres some value somewhere in this rant. I think it should be heard by some.

[meruz]

hello! i'm a big fan of your work! i noticed youre a risd alumnus, and i just wanted to ask: as someone currently working in the animation industry, how was your experience with risd? i'm having to choose between risd and a school that's popular specifically for animation, and was wondering if you might have any info that could help.

thank you, i hope this ask isn't any bother!

ooh I actually love this question because theres SO MUCH I wish I knew about the RISD animation program ahead of time and I'd love to give people a better idea than the one I had going in LOL. disclaimer that because I went a while ago (a whole class of college students have come and gone since I've graduated!) some of this info may be outdated. also this is purely my personal experience. BUT hopefully it helps

I want to say upfront that I loved my experience at RISD. I attended from the years 2013-2017. Like all private art colleges it was way too expensive (worth noting I had a significant need-based scholarship) but I worked my ass off and I learned a lot about art and I made friends there that I wouldn't trade for the world. As far as an art school experience goes I would tentatively say it was "worth it". However, I went in as a freshman hoping to major in animation and I came out with a BFA in illustration and this is a large part of why: RISD doesn’t have a good animation program for those looking to go into commercial animation. And I don’t think this is a grand statement like I think most of my fellow alum and teachers would agree. The thing is it’s kind of intentional LOL?? And the keyword here of course is “commercial”. Culturally, RISD is kind of a fine arts school first and I wouldn’t say they’re hostile towards industry work but it’s more often treated as secondary or like something unfortunate/dirty you have to do to make money so you can focus more on your “true art”. I have a tweet about this that went semi-viral a while ago actually…

I’m not gonna say everyone at RISD thinks this but it’s pretty prevalent. I'm honestly not outside the opinion lol. You can call it integrity or pretentiousness or whatever but without going into whether this is good or bad it really orients the curriculum and priorities of the school. It’s hearsay so take it with a grain of salt but I’ve heard that on occasions where RISD has been offered opportunities or partnerships to make the school into a pipeline for big studios (like making work specifically to cater to those places and funnel students through the door right after school) they’ve always stuck to their guns and said no to preserve their independence. 

The animation program at RISD is actually called FAV (sometimes stylized as F/A/V) for Film Animation Video and is… as one would guess..a mishmash of animation, film, and experimental video. Multimedia, experimental work is highly encouraged and overall the work and structure is a lot more geared towards submitting independent short films to film and animation festivals than it is towards building a portfolio to secure industry or client work. I didn’t major in FAV but I was on the FAV thesis track for about 3 years and I’d say the amount of help I had making an animation industry portfolio from my experience with FAV classes is close to none. At least for the thesis program we were never required or even asked to do anything such as design character turnarounds, bg designs or paint, even storyboards. And to be fair a lot of that pre-prod work that fills industry portfolios is a necessity of large commercial crews that need to coordinate over disparate departments and studios, not so much for independent single-animator projects. 

But as a result, a lot of RISD students with ambitions to go into animation/video games/ entertainment industry art in general actually major in illustration. Myself included. It’s not a perfect 1:1 match and even within the department there’s conflict as to whether there should be more of a focus on traditional editorial illustration or otherwise but it’s one of the broadest majors at RISD because past sophomore year it’s 100% electives and there’s more classes oriented towards technical drawing and painting skill, concept, story, and communication for client work in a very all of which funnel rather neatly into commercial animation. It’s also a good route for exploring your options like if you’re stuck between wanting to do children’s books, TCG paintings, and comic books you can explore all those at more or less the same time. The downside to this is that in order to get what you want you really have to build your own curriculum. I definitely think it rewards the proactive.

So while nothing at RISD got me to build an animation portfolio I took a lot of classes that I think were fundamental to developing those skills. Ie I did actually take a storyboarding elective, painting classes that focused on color, illustration concepts classes that formed critical thinking and seeing, a sculpting class that trained anatomy and 3d construction skills, Barbara Meier teaches a 3D animation class at Brown that RISD students can cross-enroll at that’s pretty good? None of these are substitutes for a holistic animation curriculum but I think the education I did get was a lot broader and just as personally fulfilling. At the end of the day, I'm glad I wasn't so focused on animation that I was still able to explore illustration, comics, painting and sculpture. I led a student club that coordinated Brown and RISD students to work together and make video games every semester! I take the skills I picked up from these things into my animation career all the time.

Also the nice thing about animation jobs in the U.S. is that you don’t actually need to have animated a whole kickass industry-standard short film to be hireable. The pipeline is so compartmentalized and jobs so specialized that bg designers really just need to be good at environmental perspective and linework, and bg painters don’t even need to worry about that they can just be good at color and light. And almost no one at least in the U.S. animation industry actually needs to know how to animate LOL. Am I being reductive? Am I downing a heavy dose of copium for going to the school that I did? Who knows. Midway through my freshman year I was seriously considering transferring to a school with a better animation curriculum but I never completed those applications because I took a class during the winter semester called Science-Fiction Fantasy Illustration and midway between designing shitty aliens and my new best friends falling asleep on me during a 2001 Space Odyssey screening I was like. This isn’t so bad. Anyways, it turned out ok, we all have jobs now. 

All that aside, Providence is a beautiful little city. There’s an arts and alternative culture there that feels completely different from those in places like NYC and LA. Chris Van Allsburg the writer/illustrator of Jumanji and The Polar Express was a RISD illustration alum and he based a lot of the imagery of Santa's Village off of Providence. This drawing I did is literally a view from Benefit st that I would walk from my off-campus housing to campus everyday:

There’s a lot of stuff that goes into whether a school, or any school, is the right fit for you. Sorry for rambling but I tried to answer this quick because ik college decisions can be time sensitive. Good luck with your decision making!

[markatoto]

you're one of the few of my fav streamers i actually get to watch live due to timezones which i appreciate you for. but, i also wish you'd treat yourself better and end your streams earlier

i super appreciate this anon, this is definitely very very real. i actually had a discussion about this to my friends late last night concerning my workload of streams and the particularly unhealthy habits ive developed as a (for lack of better term) "endurance" streamer. it's tough because it is like... my main source of income, so i do often find that i have to stream A LOT in order to make ends meat. most times i find that when i am streaming for like 7 hours+ i am just Having Fun with the game im playing and i tend to lose track of time, but if you notice that the past several weeks theres been a noticeable uptick of my streaming days since late august-early september. i'm going to speak real here so be fore-warned: i do not make a lot of money as a streamer. i dont think anyone does. in today's climate, i am making Just Enough to pay my bills, rent, and groceries. as long as that minimum threshold is being met, im usually quite happy to continue on with what i do. however, for me, entertaining people online with funny streams has never been about the monetary value of it all. since day ONE, it's never been. but, speaking as an adult who lives alone in a big city, it's also an unfortunate reality that i have to bring to the forefront. it's why the rent/bills tip bar is on the screen so often. honestly, it kind of bums me out to bring it to the forefront so often, but that's a conversation for another day. however, i am definitely afraid that if i am not Streaming Enough, then i won't be able to make my monthly rent and bills. that is not to say that i dont enjoy streaming or that i am unhappy with my current schedule (quite the opposite, i love streaming a little TOO much LOL) - every day i thank the stars in the sky that i get to do what i REALLY want to do in this day and age. but, i guess the problem i'm having is just striking that balance. i really dont give myself a lot of time for a break and, to say that i am on the cusp of burning out is... not to far off from the truth. i do want to make it abundantly clear however: i am currently NOT in burn out mode, but i'm sure the worry is that i will eventually reach that point sooner than later, yeah? anyways, just a couple of thoughts to think about while i write out this whole thing. i'm okay, i will be doing okay, and for the foreseeable future, i will be fine. if anything, if you are worried: the best thing yall could do is just show up for the streams and have fun! that's all i could ever ask. as long as youre having fun, thats all that matters to me. if you laughed and clapped and enjoyed yourselves in any of the stuff i do, then i super appreciate that! thank you!

[harrystylesfan2686]

After All

Pairing: Harry x Reader

Summary: Reader and Harry were best friends but something happens between them which causes them to break up. What will it be like when they finally meet again after a while.

A/N: hope ya'll like this!❤️

○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●

Who knew a kiss could change everything you felt about a person.

"I want you." I gasped. "Why do I want you?!"

I looked up at him as if he knew that answer.

His green blown out eyes and heavy breathing told me that he wanted me just as much.

"I have a husband. I'm married. I shouldn't want anyone else. I shouldn't love anyone else!"

He had wishper those three words to me in the privacy of just us being here together. I wanted to say it back so badly. I wanted to love him too just as he loved me but I can't.

I had rushed out of his house that night, tears running uncontrollably down my face with a heart break I had never felt before and cut him off from my life.

I had pushed my feeling deep inside my heart, praying to God they go away and I forgot him.

They didn't go away. I never forgot him.

-☆-

I watch the watch sparking blue in the sunlight, admiring the beauty and trying to distract myself from my love sitting next to me oh so closely. One shift to the left and we'd be touching.

We were at my parents anniversary celebration at the beach house. I had avoided him the last 2 years but there was no escape now. We had been best friends, attached to hip, ever since high school. Well, until that night.

''So, you're divorced?" He raised an eyebrow.

"Yep." I inhaled deeply preparing myself to give the explanation I've already gave a hundred times to different people.

''Can I ask what happened?" I smiled. He always makes sure to do something only if I'm comfortable.

''Turns out, he was cheating on me for the last 3 years" I gave him a tight-lipped smile, watching as his eyes darkened. ''Don't worry about it." I shrug. ''It just proves that we both didn't love each other. Honestly I feel like it's a good thing I found out because now I'll be able to love whoever I wanted. I just wish I'd found out sooner.'' His gaze shifted, sensing the undertone of my sentence.I sighed shifting my eyes back to the sea in front of us.

"Do you regret it?" He spoke so softly as if him asking this would trigger me somehow. I don't why he would think that. Theres nothing he could do to hurt me in any way.

I thought carefully before answering. "To be honest, the only thing I regret is no finding out sooner. If I'd known that we were stuck in a loveless marriage from both ends, I would've ended us way earlier without having the guilt of loving anyone else but my husband. I would've savored my moments with the one who I truly loved and never let him go." I looked back at those beautiful ocean eyes. "Maybe I wouldn't have pushed him away and loved him as he deserved to be loved with or without being married." He laced my hand to his and moved his thumb in comforting circles.

"I think your wrong." He whispered carefully. My face frowned as I listened to him. "I think if you hadn't pushed me away those years ago and acted as we wanted, you would've been driven by the quilt of that. Guilt of acting on you're emotions, guilt of cheating, guilt of betraying the scared bond of your marriage even if the marriage was tainted from the beginning." He hooked a fallen hair stand behind my ear. "And when you found out your husband was cheating to, sure you'd be a bit relieved that it wasn't just you that didn't want the marriage but you'd still be scolding yourself that you still cheated, doesn't matter if in a wanted or unwanted marriage."

I found myself shamelessly admiring the man in front of me with a smile on my face. His way with words is mesmerizing. And he's right I figured, I truly would've hated myself if I was to give in the urge I felt that day.

''What?'' He asked me, confused as to why I'm starting at him with a smile.

''How do you know me better than I know myself?'' I asked amused with he's speech.

He chuckled. A beautiful sound. The kind that I wanted to record and listen on loop for the rest of my life.

"Because I know you. I love you." He spoke the three words as if they were the most known thing he'd ever said.

My smile dropped. "Really? After all this time?" My words laced with uncertainty.

"Of course I do. I always have, and I always will." He cupped my cheek. "I told you, my love. You're it for me."

I push my lips to his and promise myself to love and cherish this wonderful man untill my last breath.

○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●

[greentea-and-honey]

7, 17, 27 and, unfortunately breaking the chain, 30 for your AO3 wrapped!

7. If you use song lyrics, which artist’s songs did you pull from the most?

Honestly theres not really a specific artist I use for fic titling. for lyric titles, the only artists I pulled this year were from boygenius, Radiohead, mitski, and oasis. for chapter titles I sometimes try to avoid lyric titles unless it really fits. I have a weird relationship with lyrics in my fics lmao. i try to be at least creative with the needle drops i use in fics.

17. Favorite character to write this year?

JOHN MOTHERFUCKING DOE MALEVOLENT. HE IS THE WOOOOOOORST AND I WANT TO BLOW HIM UP. Writing him for ‘ETA Never Change’ is such a blast, I wish I could explain how much fucking fun he is in that one. I also had a great time writing Yellow for ‘o brother where art thou?’. If im being honest the only malevolent character I dont like writing for that much is Arthur. Hes cool and all but honestly to me he’s the least interesting which is crazy cause he’s the main guy. obv as of recently ive been getting into gravity falls once more, and the older pines twins are super fun because they’re such a specific brand of fucked up that I love. Honestly theres not a single character in gravity falls I dont love writing for. 

27. What do you listen to while writing?

Honestly, usually my own thoughts and nothing else which explains a lot. Sometimes if I reeeeally need some noise I’ll turn on aggressive classical music

30. Biggest surprise writing this year?

That my crackfic for “what if malevolent took place in the modern day and John was addicted to phones” got as popular as it did. I fully intended to delete it after I first published it but people seem to like it. also I feel like just within this year, my writing length has gotten a lot better. My chapter lengths are on average double to triple what they were just a year ago. Im making an effort to read more “real and published” books, and I genuinely think that expanding what I read has helped my writing on all levels. Also just how easy it is to make writing friends if you just comment nice things. You’d think I’d have learned that after writing fanfic since I was like 11 but noooooo. I’m really making an effort to comment more and be more active in fandom spaces (to a degree…some of yall are nutso💚) and curate my own experiences because you meet a lot of really great and awesome people!!! 

[raveneira]

I was watching naruto vs sasuke on storm Connections and damn it really is better then all boruto tbv

It is, the the plotline of connections isnt even all that original or grounbreaking, its hella flawed too and reuses alot of Naruto concepts despite being a Boruto centered story...which just goes to show you how BORUTOS story is so uninteresting that they had to take OG concepts from Naruto [new Uchiha lore, focus on a new more interesting Uchiha from the past cuz Sarada is so neglected and uninteresting, Pain worshiper, Naruto vs Sasuke, a new war] instead of working with any of the Boruto story because lets be honest...WHAT story? when you really think about it nothing is really going on in the Boruto story, theres no direction, no intrigue, no personal or deep conflicts etc.

You know why Naruto vs Sasuke hits while Boruto vs Kawaki doesnt? because there was extensive build up of their bond, their rivalry, their conflict, and reconciliation, so when you saw the roles reversed with Naruto and Sasuke in Connections, it hits HARD because you know just how far Naruto went to save Sasuke against all odds and everyone calling him a fool he never gave up on him, now that role is switched to Sasuke, and now he gets to be in Narutos shoes fighting his best friend trying to snap him out of it, and he even repeats the same words Naruto said to him which hit so hard because we KNOW just how HUGE of an impact those words had on Sasuke when Naruto said them after their final fight, they literally brought Sasuke to tears.

Compare that to the role reversal goin on in Boruto, you remember the hype from this panel right?

Oh the hype was strong in this one, atleast from those still invested in the series up till this point, this was CRAZY right? the endless possibilities, expectations were through the roof, and what happened? what was done with that potential? absolutely NOTHING

This panel is the equivalent of Gohan telling Buu he's not gonna fight him, he's gonna kill him, only for him then to fumble the entire fight, top 5 hardest lines in the series thrown right out the window with zero pay off, this panel is literally that because it went NOWHERE.

Its honestly ASTONISHING how much this concept has been wasted, and I personally despise it but hey, even if I personally dont like the approach I could still appreciate it if it was atleast executer properly and actually done well, its not like omnipotence couldnt have been used for some great conflict, character building, character development, Boruto really could've grown alot from this and understood his ignorance and priviledge all this time he'd taken for granted, understanding the loneliness and life full of hate hes had to live all his life, for Boruto this is only temporary and forced to be directed at him, but for Kawaki this was REAL nobody MADE ppl hate him they actually DID

Boruto knows everything their saying to his, feeling for him, thinking of him is actually towards Kawaki, these feelings arent fabricated these are ppls REAL feelings towards Kawaki, and Borutos only had to endure this for 3 years of his life while 12 were full of happiness and love, but for Kawaki this was his life for OVER A DECADE, and even with the 3 years that have passed since the brainwashing Kawaki is STILL going through it because everytime ppl hate Boruto around him, scorn Boruto, wish he were dead, call him an ungrateful traitor, he knows their talking about HIM

So even though hes technically taken Borutos place being loved by everybody, he KNOWS that THESE are their true feelings about him, so while Boruto has only lived Kawakis hell for 3 years, Kawaki has lived it nonstop, he cant even escape it back at 'home' because its not even his home fr, its his prison with Ada and her little brother who constantly taunts him about how he'll eventually be exposed as a liar and how he unlike Ada doesnt care what happens to him, just reaffirming what he already thought and believed about himself to begin with.

That nobody would care or miss him, nor mourn his death, but be happy to rid that 'garbage' from the world. And Shikamaru and everyone who appeared in chapter 78 proved him correct.

So you would think that Boruto, now in Kawaki's shoes, experiencing what Kawaki's experienced his whole life

Hated by Kara/Code

Hated by the Otsutsuki hes a vessel of [Isshiki/Momo]

Hated by everyone for being an outsider bringin in trouble

Hated by those who were once his friends

Hated by his own family [to his knowledge, he doesnt know how Hima feels yet]

You'd think he'd have a moment of reflection and actually get where Kawaki is coming from, he obviously wont know how he feels exactly because they still had totally different upbringings but atleast he gets the gist of it now that he's in his shoes, so you'd think we'd have him reflecting on that much the most we get is this.

This was a good start, he acknowledged his screw ups and how his playing down of the situation lead to this, his ignorance from being so blessed blinding him to Kawaki's perspective, that it was easy for him to just go on like everything would be ok but thats not the way Kawaki saw it, he never asked how KAWAKI was feeling or what KAWAKI was going through, he only yelled at him for being 'stupid' instead of LISTENING to him and actually HEARING what he's saying. He's given Boruto glimpses multiple times of what he was thinking and feeling, but everytime Boruto downplayed it, just brushed it off as them just needing to train and get stronger and just have faith that his dad could handle it and if they just get strong enough too then it'll all work out too, BUT THAT WAS NOT REALITY and Kawaki pointed out why it wasnt, but he went ignored.

The only one who didnt just blindly yell at him was Mitsuki, HE is the ONLY ONE who ASKED Kawaki and LISTENED to what he had to say, and he was the only one open to doing things his way as well, but Boruto and Sarada unfortunately, so blindly follow Naruto's idealistic views, did NOT listen to him or hear him here, instead they both accused him of going too far with too extreme logic, when really he was just being realistic.

So It was good seeing Boruto acknowledge everything I pointed out about how we got here, it left things off where we would hopefully see Boruto have a whole new perspective towards Kawaki and how he'd approach reasoning and getting through to him from this point on, there was alot of potential now for some really interesting interactions and-

Ima save you the reading time and just spoil it, nothing came from this, if anything he listens to Kawaki even LESS now than he did before and have become even MORE arrogant and dismissive of him.

Im gonna take a stab in the dark and say in an effort to try and make Boruto DIFFERENT from Naruto in trying to save Sasuke, they made him actually looking for a fight, he doesnt want peace with Kawaki, he wants problems first and THEN peace afterwards

Twice he says his goal is to knock sense into Kawaki and then reconcile, which is the opposite of Naruto, he WANTED to talk things out but knew he couldnt and had no choice but to fight, but Boruto WANTS to fight and THEN reconcile which is...a choice, but not a good one to try and distinguish him from Naruto with because it just simply doesnt make sense.

If his goal is to make this a mere quarrel between siblings, not brother killing brother, then why would he NOT try to resolve things without violence with him? why withhold information? why taunt him? talk down to him? treat him like a nuisance? act as if you dont even WANT to deal with him in the first place? threaten to chop off his danm arm just for asking VALID questions?

if you wanna make this just a brothers quarrel then hes doing a terrible danm job of it because hes just making Kawaki look even MORE justified in wanting to kill him, which makes no sense even in the context of protecting him from being exposed because it was him and Kawaki alone most of the time, Delta seeing Boruto show Kawaki some humility wouldnt have affected shit, all it does is let her see Boruto treat Kawaki like he actually cares about him, that does literally NO harm to Kawaki's image because ppl knew Boruto and Kawaki cared about eachother already anyway, regardless of what 'Boruto' did to Naruto that doesnt erase everything that happened between them before that

Even if we throw all that aside and say no ppl dont think they care about eachother and that Boruto supposedly just turned on them all now, NOBODY WAS AROUND at some of interactions that he has to pretend for, as I said Delta means nothing, Kawaki was one on one with Boruto after he told the others to leave while he confronted him with Code, he again wasnt around anyone when he confronted him again when it was just him and Delta, so why did Boruto still put on the tough guy act? I get they had other important matters to get to but Boruto is able to walk and chew gum at the same time, so if he wanted to show some compassion to Kawaki then he could have but he DOESNT.

And thats why storm connections take on the role reversal plot is leagues better than Boruto's because there is just NOTHING to it, chapter 80 HINTED that they were going to start building more on it and doing something interesting but instead they just make Boruto discount Sasuke and gave him a completely OOC edgelord persona, which is crazy that their trying to make him like Sasuke WHEN THIS IS HOW SASUKE ACTS IN HIS EXACT POSITION AND ITS NOTHING LIKE THAT [8:26-13:55]

You will NEVER see the same kind of emotion with Boruto and Kawaki as you saw here with Naruto and Sasuke, and thats largely because its not written by Kishimoto and it shows

Whereas Naruto and Sasuke werent ever adopted or raised together like siblings yet still saw eachother as such anyway, Boruto and Kawaki actually lived together and were treated both as Narutos sons, Boruto and Hima acknowledged him as their brother, Kawaki was considered family by the Uzumaki fam, so this situation should have even MORE emotional weight than Naruto and Sasuke who were bitter friends/rivals, Boruto and Kawaki were family, and yet their entire conflict is emotionless, dull, forced, and uninteresting to watch unfold.

But to be fair Ikemoto did fk them over a bit because Naruto and Sasuke atleast knew of eachother for years, and then spent a whole year with eachother as teammates whereas Boruto and Kawaki spent less than a year together so yea, great way to really prevent this plot from hitting as hard as it could have if you werent rushing literally EVERYTHING and giving them no room to settle but it is what it is sadly.

The only saving grace is Ikemoto implying Kawaki is gonna get more development in the future but I wont hold my breath on that because he also said Sarada and Sasuke's future would be interesting, and we all saw how that turned out, yea bein off screened by Code and Sarada barely reacting to the news of it sure was interesting ._. peak fiction.

The Connections game should have NEVER came out because it just puts how severely lacking Ikemoto's attempts at these concepts PALE in comparison to the OG, and its not that Boruto and Kawaki CANT measure up its that Ikemoto is an incompetent lazy writer who fails at one of the core things Naruto is known and praised for and thats its EMOTION. The fact that the sequel to Naruto lacks so much EMOTION is fkin insane, its mind boggling how Ikemoto could work with Kishimoto personally and NOT pick up how to add emotion.

Do you realize the last time we've had a real emotional moment in this manga is while Kodachi and Kishimoto was still involved in the writing? and now that it has been taken over entirely written by Ikemoto there has been zero emotion? go back and read the timeskip from the first chapter to now and show me where there was any emotion besides Inojins 'death' that was just used to give Hima a rage moment to awaken Kurama, but Im talking an ACTUAL emotional character moment, or just scene in general, you wont find one despite Boruto being a perceived traitor and Naruto being dead but with no body to even mourn him, and Sasuke siding with said traitor is also just glossed over like nothing nobody even talks about it fr, keep in mind thats Sakura's husband and Sakuras friend [Naruto] and we got zero insight on how shes takin it, or Kakashi, you get the point.

Ikemoto not only doesnt know how to convey emotion well through expression [take a shot everytime Ikemoto just has somebody mean muggin or straight faced oe sweat drop with wide eyes that may or may not be cross eyed] and you'd die of alcohol poisoning pretty quick because hes unexpressive the way Kishimoto was, but he lacks emotion in his writing also, so he lacks in expression AND writing emotion as a whole which is...pathetic for the one writing the sequel to Naruto which is a series FULL of emotion, the fact that writers for a danm non canon VIDEO GAME got this right but Ikemoto the writer for the official sequel to Naruto fails miserably at.

Its sad, but even this flawed game was still written leaps and bounds better than Ikemotos Boruto.

[irregodless]

mom told me mommom gave up and i cant believe that

she was always so strong

i dont want to believe that she was so depressed and in so much pain that she would just leave us. i dont want to believe that dying was favorable to living with us that we werent enough to make her want to stay

she said there was no laughter in the house i dont want her to have disliked us that much

i dont want to believe her pain was really that unbearable all the time despite her pushing through it

i cant believe she gave up she was too strong she was always too strong she never gave up she wanted to live past 90 to outlive her grandfather we were supposed to start going shopping together every weekend

i cant i dont i refuse to believe she gave up. at least entirely. she deserved her rest after chronic pain for so long and sleeping poorly all the time and while her giving into that doesnt make me feel much better id sooner believe that than that she gave up because she was tired of fighting

i wont i wont i wont i wont i wont

i was going to start sitting downstairs with her more and for longer she had more stories to tell me more ancestors to honor there were places we were supposed to eat theres no way she wanted to die that she wanted out i just wont believe that of her

my bf said shed seen most of the major milestones so there wasnt much more reason to stick around but thats not true there was more for her to see she didnt live just to see milestones she lived for lifes experiences for the next book for the next ice cream or snow cone

i dont want her to have been strong me for i wanted her to be vulnerable with me like i was for her we were there for each other so she couldve talked with me more honestly if she really gave up

i wish id gotten to cry in front of her more so she knew for sure just how much she meant to me but mom told me i wasnt allowed to break down because it would make her feel bad and feel guilty so i choked back tears with every word i said to her

theres no way she gave up theres no way losing her best friend made her so despondent we werent enough that i wasnt enough

i just wont believe it

[zeico]

Long post request: how do you feel about BG3?

I didn't realize a new patch came out on final fantasy for about a week because Baldur Gate o Baldur Gate

currently in act 3 and trying to stock up on shit since I recently cleared out the bank. I'm TRYING to hold myself to not starting a new character until I finish this one but I see so many monk items and i want themmmmm (I have a half elf monk open in character creator right now)

Since I played a lotttt of dragon age origins, parts of the structure of bg3 felt very familiar to me like the camp itself and like how u interact with the companions. Like coming home in a way.

I'm also playing 5e a lot so that part of the structure of it was very easy to adapt to. I do still have trouble with like certain interface things like oh man gotta select the version of the spells BEFORE TARGETTING NO GALE WHY ARE YOU RUNNING TO THEM GET BACK HERE WHY ARE YOU HITTING THEM WITH YOUR 8 STRENGTH BACKED STICK

But its great and I do like the changes made to better facilitate it being a VIDEO GAME. Like I'm a Divination Wizard. My main Thing is portent dice. (There's also detect thoughtsing my way through all social encounters which is SO GREAT honestly scratches an itch I've always wanted to do but it would be such a pain in the ass for tabletop. Like first first ever dnd character I cooked up was an illiterate mind reading sorcerer that like got by through just that. But that would be so annoying to do with like.... PEOPLE AT THE TABLE of like 'so im just constantly getting ur surface thoughts...... i can't entirely control this... i'm sorry....' )

ANYWAY portent dice!!!!! in bg3 they have it at level 6 you fulfill little prophecies to get ur dice back to make the big boss miss their BIG attack or make SURE you hit (or my favorite, make the rogue crit on a sneak attack) instead of having it that when u cast a divination spell u get a spell slot back. since theres so few divination spells especially like using IN COMBAT so I understand the change.

I also like the variety of shit you can do. like my partner is one to summon 9 creatures btw the whole party so theres a small army of creatures following their main party. (also several buffed with mage armor and everyone has a higher level aid cast on them so they also have a decent amount of health its really funni to watch) I like wrote off the summon guys moves because I just dont like to have extra guys usually.

Something I wish I did on my first playthrough tho was simply long resting more I think I fucked myself out of a lot of social link scenes in act 1 bc I straight up didn't rest enough. The game is like 'oh no time is ticking' but things aren't REALLY like that (cept for like... 2 instances I can think of) bc its a videogame and thats fine.

It WANTS you to use all your abilities and not be dum like me and just cantrip my way through most the first act 'just in case i need my slots later' why am i like this. both short and lone rest more and just use all your moves its FINE

speaking of social links and companions theyre all great. I love them all. I DO wish some things weren't like... romance locked it feels??? well more like you HAVE to reject them???? idk I had a scene with gale when he's like 'but we're not THAT close tho' and i felt bad bc like... I want to be wizard friends with you. I'm SORRY I'm so weak to both vampires and elves.

heard some shit about astarion having like so much content compared to all the other companions and man imma feel so spoiled on my playthroughs where i dont smooch the vampire. I do wish everyone else had more scenes too its a shame.

something about bg3 thats HILARIOUS to me personally is that its all like 'recruit allies against the cult' and in another irl campaign im in thats been in hiatus for years but I still hope to come back its REALLY similiar. Oh no a huge looming death cult threat to the city. oh no the city has its own fuckmess of bullshit to deal with. OH NO a shapeshifting killer. Anytime theres strong parallels to that campaign it sparks joy.

A few technical problems I've had tho were around switching characters in and out of the party. like in a building and I wanna run back to camp to tag in someone. Wait why are they on the roof????

Or I tag in someone and WHY ARE YOU CLIPPING THROUGH THE FLOOR? Tbh the game is so enjoyable I just sigh and say "Video. Game." out loud and load a save. Like the last time that was REALLY frustrating is when it just would NOT let me out of a restricted area like please I persuaded u 3 times let me go I was on my way OUT.

Also why do all these 8 strength men have abs. This is Wrong. I'm bad with figuring out the technical shit of modding but holy shit I need them to not have abs.

Anyway I had this and the character creator open for like 2 hours now so Imma start that now.

[compassionatereminders]

hi, i hope its okay if i vent here cause i know shits been rough for you lately (wishing you the best btw, which ik simply saying that doesnt magically make things better but hope yk what i mean)

i sent an asks a few months ago about having empathy for someone for the first time and really struggling to come to terms with it, how to deal with new overwhelming emotions and the like (i believe i also mentioned them being in an abusive situation at the time, which was a whole other complicated feeling to empathize with someones pain and to take it internally on levels i had never experienced or was capable of fathoming before in my entire life)

currently struggling with that person again, they left their original abusive situation but have entered a new complex one, as this person isnt intentionally shitty but they're rich, white passing and extremely privileged and out of touch, like truly they don't grasp my friends trauma and why it makes things hard for them (friend has gone through severe abuse and childhood trauma, neglect and homelessness just to say the light ones, its truly awful what they've been through) despite having some trauma of their own and i truly fucking despise them with my entire being

my friend is abusing alcohol and debating killing themselves due to this person dangling ending their relationship over my friends head --- (which is another thing thats complex and hurting, my friend never told me they were dating which like they totally dont have to obviously!! but they continuously insisted to me they were only friends, before suddenly revealing through a screenshot of their partners text that they were together, which they did with their previous abuser so like having it happen twice was icky feeling for some reason despite the fact ik they don't owe me that information at all, i dont care they hid it i just feel hurt and confused if i had done something to warrant not being trusted with that information but thats a whole other can of worms) --- due to them struggling to do something the person wants, because my friend has trauma what the person is requesting is hard and my friends explained why its hard and hurts them, they've thrown up daily from the stress and this person knows that but somehow doesnt grasp why its causing my friend such distress

i feel utterly suffocated by the entire situation and its put my life on full stop because i cant just leave my friend to deal with this themselves, but theres nothing i can say or do that can help them because they're deeply in love and won't break up with their partner even though the stress is physically ruining them. i feel hopeless and unable to do anything, i encourage them to talk to me because really i wanna be there for them but i feel so scared all the time that somethings gonna happen to them which makes me need to listen even more because their other friend is horribly abusive and contributed to their trauma, so i don't wanna leave my friend alone. i don't know how to deal with empathizing with their pain and not being able to stop it feels like its killing me cause now im also throwing up multiple times a day, genuinely debating drug relapse to cope with it all and i can't sleep properly anymore and only sleep on specific 4 hour intervals throughout the day next to my phone so i can be on constant standby for the friend and i know its not healthy and if they knew it was like this they'd never tell me whats wrong again (which i really dont want i truly honest to god wanna be there for them), i feel like no matter how i go about it theres no winning in this situation and honestly i wanna die from it all which sounds so silly cause my friend is going through SO much worse and here i am going waaah this hurts me!! i just eugh, i don't know what to do. which i guess i know what to do, but i don't wanna do any of it i've never cared about someone like i care about them and the thought of leaving them to sort it out themselves feels like the end of the world, even though i know they're also a sociopath and don't feel empathy towards me which is also a new shitty feeling cause now i know how people feel around me. this is exhausting i don't know how people with empathy deal with it especially you kat!! if i remember correctly you mentioned being very empathetic, it's amazing you're able to handle having empathy and running a blog where people often dump stuff in your inbox (which uh is the very same thing im doing now, sorry!) ok i got it all out of my system i'm gonna go take a nap and hope the problem is solved tomorrow (it wont be but a bitch can hope!!) thank you for being a space where i could word vomit my brain out, i really hope things get better for you and that your eye gets sorted out <3

No matter how unwell your friend is, you're allowed to have boundaries and limits. And while I get the desire to be there and do everything you can because you care about your friend, you will not be able to continue pouring from an empty vessel. This is not a sustainable situation. You neglecting yourself and not sleeping and getting physically ill and wanting to die is not an acceptable consequence of your friend being in a toxic relationship without being able to change their situation. I know you didn't ask for advice, but I strongly encourage you to establish some boundaries here and stand by them. You do not lose your right to have boundaries when a loved one is mentally unwell and if you do not prioritize your own mental well-being, you will not be able to continue being there for you friend