#and his natural and healthy feelings of anger he has to leave unexpressed because he “doesnt deserve to be upset”

[muppetears-stuff]

THIS THIS!!! IVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS. FOREVER.

Ponyboy comparing his home life to Johnny's and believing that he doesn't deserve to complain because compared to Johnny's home life, his is heaven. And even still, he has a normal human reaction of getting angry when they just don't understand and he still feels bad because he believes he doesn't DESERVE TO BE MAD.

Ponyboy being scared to come home after making the honest mistake of sleeping in the lot and hoping that Darry and Soda are asleep because he can't deal with being yelled at right then because he knows he won't be able to explain himself properly.

PONYBOY NOT EVEN REGESTERING THAT HE SHOULDNT BE SMOKING AT 14 BECAUSE NO ONES TOLD HIM OTHERWISE. BECAUSE HES HAD TO GROW UP AND FIT IN TOO FAST.

PONYBOY FEELING COMPLETELY ISOLATED WITHIN HIS OWN SOCIAL CIRCLE BECUASE HE'LL NEVER BE LIKE ANY OF THEM AND HE KNOWS HE'S JUST AN EXTRA. A TAG ALONG.

ponyboy not wanting to cry in front of darry ponyboy thinking he doesn't deserve to cry after the socs jump him because he at least he have it as bad as johnny ponyboy going to sleep thinking that as long as he has soda he'll be okay ponyboy trying to convince himself that he doesn't care about darry ponyboy trying to convince himself that darry doesn't care about him ponyboy lying to himself constantly ponyboy trying to catch up with the rest of the gang so he's not seen as a little kid anymore ponyboy being forced to grow up too fast while darry's trying his hardest to prevent that from happening only to fail

[bellatrixobsessed1]

The Art Of Remembrance (Part 40)

Honestly, can’t believe I’m at chapter 40. Anyways, I guess this is gonna be one of my final updates for now. Today just so happened to be my designated fic typing day. So I’m gonna post this as well. Of course future chapters will be on Ao3 and Fanfic for while I’m gone. Thanks to everyone who has supported the fic up to this point.

Sokka had expected to take it much harder, but the more he thinks about it, the more he realizes that he might just be happier without her. She is no longer there to argue with him over ridiculous things. And he no longer has to face her problems for her. Perhaps with her is a more truthful statement, but he isn’t ready to embrace the whole truth yet. He isn’t ready to look at things without a degree of resentment. Indeed he thinks that he is better off.

Yet, in the back of his mind he goes back to that night under the auroras. That night where she’d come to him and offered to do something he enjoyed. To the day in the swamp where she’d sat with him and comforted him.

It has been several days since she had fled. The first had been the worst, the most hectic. In a moment of panic Zuko had assumed that she’d simply taken flight again; ran off into the streets. In telling him that she’d mentioned going back to Fire Lake he’d replied with a swift, “what if she decided not to wait for the ship?”

He’d only be settled when Dr. Phang confirmed that she’d left on the ship. Even then he’d found a new thing to fret over, “what if that was a trap? What if she’s on her way back to another Vine Research Facility compound?” He relaxed completely the following day when he’d received a messenger hawk from her.

For Sokka the first day had been nothing but regret. Regret that he’d written her off so quickly. Regret that he’d let anger and hurt and feelings of betrayal overpower love. Regret that he hadn’t come to check on her sooner, before she’d left.

That first day he’d paced about and vented to Katara, to Aang, to Toph, to Zuko, to Appa and Momo, to anyone who would listen really. And soon that regret and hurt turned back into anger and venting became ranting. Rambling about how she is selfish and how she’d stabbed him in the back. How she is a hypocrite for stabbing him in the back when she knows too well how terrible the feeling is.

Now he reclines on a chair in the palace gardens awaiting further news about Long Feng’s whereabouts. So far the man has been keeping his head down, but he doesn’t doubt that once he gets word of Azula’s vulnerability, he will make his move. Whether she knows it or not, she is bait. That hadn’t been his intention. It certainly wasn’t Zuko’s. But she’d probably admire how cunningly and swiftly he was planning on taking advantage of the situation.

Despite it all he still has a touch of worry for the princess. Raava forbid that they actually capture her again. For as much teeth as she is showing, for as much of the old her is back, he can’t imagine her faring well against rekindled traumas.

Sokka’s mind wanders to the night at the compound. The small on his chest. Holding her has she cried softly.

She doesn’t cry anymore, he reminds himself. He catches himself before he accuses her of being unfeeling. Unexpressive is more befitting. He pushes the thoughts out of his head. He doesn’t know why he is having them now after several days of either celebrating Azula’s absence or not thinking of her at all.

He misses her and he is angry that he does. He tells himself that it is for the best. That she isn’t right for him and that she isn’t healthy for him. That she has just been difficult and a pain in the ass from the start; he thinks of her bundled up and shivering, finger freshly claimed by the cold. Alright, maybe not from the start…

.oOo.

It feels terribly odd to be sitting in Dr. Yu-Kang’s office on her own accord. She feels rather awkward. Awkward and almost ashamed to admit that she can’t handle things on her own. That she can’t get a grip on her own thoughts.

“Dr. Phang told me that you asked him to erase your memories again?”

Azula nods. Dr. Yu-Kang waits for her to elaborate. She doesn’t

“Why is that?”

Azula inhales sharply. She has come here to talk so she better talk.

“Do you want to address something different to begin with?”

Azula shakes her head. “I want to talk about this.”

“Whenever you’re ready.” Dr. Yu-Kang offers. “Would you like something to drink.”

She shakes her head again. “I asked him to take my memories again because it’s...they make things feel wrong.”

“Wrong?”

“Like I shouldn’t be talking to Zu-Zu or Mai and Tylee. Like I shouldn’t...love Sokka.”

Dr. Yu-Kang nods. “Well why does this feel wrong to you?”

She shrugs. “Because, before I left they’d have nothing to do with me. If I didn’t lose my memories they wouldn’t have let me in. I don’t think I would have wanted to be let in.”

“But you did lose them.” Dr. Yu-Kang replies. “The universe has a balance. If you weren’t meant to have lost your memories, you wouldn’t have. And if you weren’t meant to be found by Sokka then it wouldn’t have happened.”

“A coincidence, I assure you.” Azula replies.

“You don’t believe in fate?”

“Do I come off to you as the type who would?” She links her hands and rests them atop her knee.

Dr Yu-Kang chuckles. “I suppose that you don’t. You are in charge of your own fate. You like to be in charge of your own fate.”

“Yes, that’s correct.” Azula agrees.

“Then choose it. You can cling to your past and your old memories or you can acknowledge them, leave them in the past, and continue with the life your new memories have begun.” She takes a drink. “That is your choice. That is what you control.”

Azula swallows. “Yes well, that  still doesn’t change that that person wasn't even me. They, Sokka, Zuko, all of them...they like a false version of me.”

Dr. Yu-Kang looks into her teacup for the longest time. Azula is certain that she has outwitted the woman, even if that wasn’t the goal. In fact it is exactly what she had dreaded, that her therapist wouldn’t even have any advice to offer. At last she looks up. “Have you considered that, that simply isn’t true?”

Azula tilts her head.

“I know that you don’t like to be. But you are wrong, princess.”

“Excuse me?” She half sputters, half grumbles.

Again Dr. Yu-Kang gives a slight chuckle. “I know that you have had this discussion before, princess; you lost your memories, you didn’t lose you. Whatever you said and did without your memories, is something within the realm of possibility for you to have done with them. It is nearly impossible to erase a person’s nature entirely. One would have to do a lot of damage to achieve that.” She lets that settle in. “I have spoken with you enough to know that you require proof so I will offer it.”

Azula shifts, switching which leg overlaps the other.

“When we were discussing Yion’s crimes and my…” she coughs “negligence and incompetence, it felt as though you had never lost your memories at all. Your ability to resume firebending with such expertise, your authoritative and intimidating presence, your inclinations to have control, and your intelligence. The things that defined the old you were still there. You had simply acquired new perspectives and sides of yourself.” She pauses again. “That is what this is; there is no new and old you. There is the old you with new goals, desires, and personality facets.”

“New facets…” Azula repeats more to herself.

“Your older personality traits and your new ones aren’t incompatible. And these new feelings and relationships have just as much value as your old ones. I would say that they have more value.”

Her face falls, “I’ve already made a mess of those.”

Dr. Yu-Kang quirks a brow. “This is the first time you’ve been in a relationship, isn’t it?”

Azula’s face colors. Enough so that Dr. Yu-Kang is confident in continuing her line of thought. “Romantic partnership is like any other kind of partnership. There will be fights, I think that you know this. There will be bad fights. But that doesn’t mean that the relationship is over, even if it seems like it is.”

She feels like a fool for not being able to grasp something so simple. She quietly vocalizes as much before she can stop herself.

“Inexperience is different from incompetence. I know enough of your history to know that you haven’t been particularly exposed to love nor a healthy relationship. I don’t think that this will be a problem for you, you are a fast learner.”

Azula swallows. “Yes, I suppose, but I still don’t know how to fix things.”

“I think that you do, you just don’t want to.”

“I do…”

“Then you are going to have to put your pride aside for the moment. And you’re going to have to deal with some discomfort.”

She shifts again, she supposes she already feels plenty uncomfortable, she is almost dizzy with it. “What if Sokka doesn’t want to talk.”

“We can talk about that if it happens. I am not his therapist, but he is around you enough for me to get a little sense of him. He doesn’t strike me as the type to give up on someone.”

Azula flexes her fingers. “Alright.”

“Though I suggest that you ask him why he is upset with you.” She pauses. “It is easy to only think of oneself in an argument. Don’t you think that you might have hurt him too? Usually people don’t lash out if they aren’t hurt in some way.”

“I’ll…” she hesitates. “Keep that in mind.” Empathy,  sympathy, compassion...they had never come easily to her. To the old her… To the person who hadn’t acquired new viewpoints. She thinks, she hopes, that she is able to feel them now. She supposes that she must, if she is even considering apologizing. She practically cringes at the thought of an apology. There is almost nothing she likes less than being wrong.

“Is there anything else you’d like to speak with me about?”

She gathers that she probably shouldn’t resume speaking with Sokka by unloading her anxieties onto him. “I am concerned about Long Feng. I feel like he is going to come for me at any moment and I’m just as alone now as…”

“I don’t mean to cut you off, but you are not alone anymore. And I think that you are perfectly capable of handling him, especially now that you know more or less, what you are facing.”

“Yes, right.” She agrees.

.oOo.

Sokka finds himself looking at the ocean. His feet have carried him to the docks and he can’t say why. The wind tosses his hair as he looks in the general direction of Lake Fire institute.

“You’re thinking about my sister again, aren’t you?” Zuko laughs.

He jumps. “No!” He says too quickly.

He laughs again, “she has this way of just making you dwell upon her even if you don’t want to.”

“Yeah, well I don’t know what to do about her. I just know that she makes me so angry and I don’t even know if she feels bad about it.” He backtracks. “Bad enough to put herself aside, anyways.”

“Yeah, that’s Azula. She is tricky. But at least now she’s trying.”

Sokka rubs the back of his head. He supposes that she wouldn’t have taken herself to Lake Fire if she wasn't trying. At least now she has the sense to admit that she needs help. He runs his fingers through his hairline, feeling as though he should be helping. But it isn’t his job to fix her, he reminds himself.

“How about this?” Zuko offers. “See what she says to you when she comes home and go from there.”

“Do you have my back?”

Zuko hesitates. “I’ll have your back, but I don’t want to give up on her myself.”

He doesn’t want to give up on her either.