#and his kinship with lindsey as she grows older

[sparrowwritings]

Writing Challenge Day Two: College

Day One -- Masterpost -- Day Three

Cottony clouds drifted high in the bright blue sky while two observers watched them go. One was a young girl, the other a man about twenty years her senior. She had light brown hair, grass green eyes and hundreds of freckles on her round face and skinny arms. He had dark, reddish brown hair, olive green eyes and a chin strap of a beard covering his strong jaw. Despite the difference in age, the two of them were absolutely covered in grass and dirt stains as well as leaves and straw. They both were letting loose the slow breaths of people who had done a lot of work and were now taking a moment to rest on the porch of the farmhouse. Half full glasses of lemonade sat between them, condensation gathering around where the cold liquid still remained. 

Lindsey had missed being able to spend time with Verdei. It seemed like he had less and less time to spend with her as she got older. It was the same with her other, blood related siblings but she was especially sad when it came to him. Verd didn’t have any other family. It wasn’t fair that life and work had to take him away so often. Why couldn’t adults be able to have more days like today? By herself, gardening would have just been a chore. With him the chore became a competition, and then a game, and then jokes about the game and a chase with hands full of mud and--

Her smile faded as she realized that days like today would be less and less common as she grew older. Already, it was hard to remember how long it had been since she’d last had so much fun with her family, much less the few friends she had at school. Her dad was getting older, and the farm wasn’t doing as well as it used to. One day it’d be just her and Arlen running the farm while Thomas worked at the general store and Verdei would still be the lone law enforcement in town and Olivia-- “Looks like some expensive thoughts churning in there, Linds. Care to share?��� 

She startled and turned to look at her adopted brother. He was still smiling, but in that tight way that showed off the wrinkles that he’d been developing for years now. Lindsey’s staring had softened his expression, but she still knew he was worried. All of her siblings worried about her. It’d be annoying if it wasn’t so sweet. “Dunno about expensive thoughts.” She shrugged. “Just...a lot of them.”

“It’s too nice a day for a storm to go brewing in that lil head’ve yours.” Verd reached over and poked at her temple. “Let’s have at’m. I can take a hit or seven.”

With an eye roll, Lindsey took a moment to go back to what she was thinking about before she’d gotten side tracked. “I was thinking about what we’ll all be doing in the future.” She turned away from him in favor of looking back up at the clouds. 

“Same thing we’re doin’ now I reckon.” He picked up his glass and slowly brought it to his lips. “Farmin’. Gardenin’. Sittin’ on the porch enjoyin’ a summer day. Not much else to do round these parts. Just like I like it.” Verdei tipped the glass back to take a drink.

Lindsey made a hum as she processed this. Olivia always seemed like she was doing something different all the time at her place in the city. Every time her older sister came back, she had some story about an encounter or an activity she’d done while living in the city. Some of her most interesting ones were even from when she’d first gone away to school--around the time that Lindsey had been a baby. Next to the usual bedtime stories, the tales of Olivia dealing with the strange world of the city had been the girl’s favorites growing up. And when Verd started visiting the city himself, Lindsey had begged him for any and all information about it. She’d even wanted to run away to the city a few times when she was little. Dad hadn’t let her, saying that first she needed to--

“Did you ever think about going to college?” She blurted.

Instead of an answer there was a choking sound. Lindsey turned her head in time to watch Verd spit out what must have been most of what was left of his lemonade. He coughed several times and she quickly moved over to pat his back, almost spilling her own drink in the process. Once the mini crisis was over, he gave her the most confused expression. “What??” 

“Did you ever think about going to college?” She repeated. “You know, living in the city and stuff.”

Verdei scratched at his scalp, displacing his worn cowboy hat. “Not really.” He shrugged. “Had ta get my GED cuz I dropped outta high school. Even then I didn’t wanna leave. Still don’t.” He looked away, his eyes drawn to the clouds much like hers had been. “I love it out here. The people can suck, but I’ll never feel at home in the city.” 

Something about his distant expression reminded Lindsey of a horse. A wild one that desired nothing but land clear of fences and people. It was yet another reminder that one day he could go off into the wilderness and never come back. A shudder went through her body at the thought. Maybe she wasn’t ready to let Verd know about everything she was thinking about. Especially if it brought him any closer to leaving for good.

“Not sure you’d feel at home there either, kid, but if ya wanna try out that life when you’re a lil older I’m sure Liv’ll put you up.” He shrugged again, his full attention going back to his adoptive sister. “You should give life here a few more years before you try it, though. You’re only what, ten?” Verd gave a grin. It wasn’t nearly as wide as his happier ones, but at least he was trying.

Like usual, she went along with the joke even though he knew full well how old she was. There would be time to talk more about growing up and life later. When Lindsey was ready to handle it. She was sure of it. “Thirteen, you dummy.”

He put a hand over his heart in mock shock. “Aw shucks, you’re right. I keep forgettin’ you’re growin’ up fast. You’re definitely way smarter than I was at your age so maybe you can get into that college bullsh--uh I mean nonsense.”

Lindsey giggled at his self censoring. She’d heard that word and worse in her life, but he still tried so hard to keep his mouth clean around her. Picking up her lemonade, she put it in Verd’s hands. “Here, a reward for cheering me up.”

“Well gosh, this’s indeed a fine reward.” Verdei downed the sweet liquid in one gulp. Leaving the glass on the porch, he swung himself up into a standing position. “Alright, enough’ve all this talk. Garden’s done, so now we oughta check in on Arlen and see what he’s got for us.” 

She hopped after him. “Don’t you have police work you need to be doing?” 

“Eh, it’s Sunday. Nothin’ happens on Sunday. Now c’mon! Unless you *want* a rematch of that mud fight we had earlier?”

“No, but I’d win that one too!” She laughed as she followed him.

[glasgowgirl92-blog]

Safe Inside

Okay, so Part 2! This is set after the season 2 finale but before season 3 premier. It’s shorter than usual, but this song spoke to me in ways few others have. Enjoy, Safe Inside! I’m open to song suggestions and prompts, so feel free to ask!

:D

Will you call me to tell me you're alright? 'Cause I worry about you the whole night Don't repeat my mistakes, I won't sleep 'til you're safe inside If you're home I just hope that you're sober Is it time to let go now you're older? Don't leave me this way, I won't sleep 'til you're safe inside

When Hank had returned without Erin, the team had been silent. No-one had looked up as he passed, no-one moved right away – only Ruzek had jumped at the sound of the door slamming. A thick silence had passed over the bullpen as the rest of the team faced the shockwaves of what that meant. They were down a team member. Whether it was short term or long term – that was unclear, but Lindsey’s desk was empty and if the further slamming of things was enough of an indication; Hank had her badge. Atwater had started a couple of sentences, Ruzek, too. Dawson had been the one to hold his hand up, causing them to close their mouths and not offer any more unfinished sentences.

The loss was tangible, it was absolutely felt by everyone as the silence descended once again, not even the sound of typing or pages turning could touch the silence.  Their team was down one and Jay was down a partner. He’d known she was struggling, had tried to help, had tried to have her back but it wasn’t good enough and it wasn’t the first time those kinds of efforts hadn’t been enough; hadn’t been spotted. He swallowed hard, eyes on the screen in front of him as his vision blurred a little as he tried to breathe as normally as possible. His fingers itched to pick up his phone and call her, ask her what was happening but he resisted, an ugly and unbidden image of the guy on her sofa permeating his mind and causing him to huff out a breath and try to focus.

The usual banter that had once filled the bullpen still hadn’t resumed, Dawson had made himself scarce, Atwater eventually had left the room, too. The emptiness was jarring and Jay had yet to look right across the space, hadn’t allowed his eyes to waver from the screen since Voight had returned. His hands shook as he tried to ignore the silence of the room, usually the lack of noise didn’t bother him but right now it was suffocating and Jay could hear his heart hammering in his chest. He caught movement out of the corner of his eye, Olinsky was making his way towards Voight’s office; the former partners had a kinship that Jay fully understood now. You have your partner’s six and you do whatever it is you must do to help them.

With that, the detective stood and snatched his coffee mug and his phone, making his way into the breakroom and over to the machine, hating the way his hands shook and his stomach flipped. He’d called her multiple times and got no answer, only recently having to leave multiple messages for her to get her to work. Jay had waited until after he’d poured his coffee and taken a sip, even placed the mug back on the counter before he brought her name up on his contact list and pressed call. As he leaned against the counter waiting for her to answer; he subconsciously began to crack the fingers of his right hand, sighing in frustration when he ended up with her voicemail. He tried again; another frustrated sigh escaping his lips when the same thing happened again. Jay ran his hand over his head, fingers ending up in his hairline as he tried for a third time; his call immediately being sent to voicemail this time.

“Erin, its uh, it’s Jay. I don’t know what happened, but uh, call me, okay?” He ended the call and turned around, smacking his hand off the counter and dropping his phone onto it, leaning heavily on it as he sucked in a breath, trying to stop the noise in his head, to rationalise this. Every possibility ran through his mind; from simple time off to her having left the unit, but he needed to know for sure and he wouldn’t know until she got back in touch with him.

But what if she can’t? The thought sprung unbidden and unwelcomed into his mind and he shuddered at the thought. Voight was a lot of things; heavy handed, brash, stern. Jay was aware though, that he wasn’t the only one on the unit who loved Erin, she was like a daughter to Hank and really, there wasn’t anything she could do that would cause Voight to hurt her.

“You doin’ okay in here?” Al’s soft tone filtered through his thoughts and Jay turned to face him, trying to get his mask back in place, trying to look as though he was fine and that there was nothing wrong and he hadn’t just been on the verge of a panic attack three seconds ago. His attempts were obviously futile, but the fact that Al’s face never wavered from indifferent put the younger man at ease.

“Yeah, just making coffee, want some?” Jay tried not to sound as exhausted as he suddenly felt, reaching for his mug to take a sip.

“I’m good.” Al held a hand up, but leaned against the doorframe. “Going on a donut run soon, I need some company. The kids talk too much.” Al’s voice never changed, either, but he also didn’t look away as Jay tried to act as casually as possible.

“Sure.” Jay shrugged, taking another drink of coffee. “Just let me know when you’re ready to head out and I’ll grab my stuff.” He nodded at the older detective, keeping the smile on his face until Al tapped the frame twice and gave him a nod walking away. Jay let out a breath he didn’t realize he had been holding and felt himself slump against the counter; mug shaking in his hands. The thought of food made him nauseous; but he knew Al had an ulterior motive for this, was trying to get him out because he never went on donut runs and any food runs Al went on, he took the Ruzek with him.

It was nice of the older detective to look out for him, but at the same time, Jay knew that nothing was going to make this any easier unless Erin herself came back and sat facing him at her desk. Even Erin who was clearly suffering from a hangover or something else sitting at that desk meant that she was within his reach and he could take care of her; actually, see her and make sure she was still okay. His phone buzzed against the counter and he jumped, grabbing for the device and letting out a string of swear words as he stared at the screen, slowly growing numb, the three-word message causing him to run his fingers over his hairline and sigh.

I’m sorry Jay.

He didn’t really know what that meant, what she was apologizing for, but Jay did know that he wouldn’t be getting anything more from his partner, not now, so he unlocked his device and swallowed hard, typing a message right as Al called about food.

Call me if you need anything, Erin. Anytime.

It had been a week and he hadn’t heard from her. It was Al who had eventually sat them down and told them that Erin had temporarily left the unit, Voight announcing later that she’d quit and that was it. Jay however, had still been sending texts, even though he knew Voight had given up. Erin had read every single one of them, but she hasn’t replied and it had hurt him more than he had cared to admit. He’d slept maybe a combined 15 hours in the past 7 days and it wasn’t enough. He needed to be sharp at work; their case was moving into dangerous territories, gang wars and shots were being fired here, there and everywhere. He’d already narrowly missed being shot and the look Voight had given him was enough for him to know he had to get his head back in the game.

Which is how he managed to find himself outside of her apartment, in his car, at 11pm. Jay knew he was probably inching into some kind of strange stalker headspace, but he needed to know that she was safe, if not sober. Jay had eventually visited the bar earlier, but Erin was nowhere to be found which lead him to believe she could be here. Her Livingroom light was on, but he couldn’t see any movement inside.

Jay jumped again, hand going for his gun when the passenger door opened only to let out an exasperated sigh.

“You’re outside my apartment and you’re gonna give me shit for getting into your car?” Even with smudged eye makeup, a slight slur and a glazed over look in her eyes, Erin was still the most beautiful woman he had seen. She looked tired, exhausted even, and was clearly under the influence of something, but she was there, within his reach, in his car.

“You haven’t called.”

“I don’t need anything.” She all but spat back at him and he ignored the way it felt like a punch to the gut and sounded more like I don’t need you.

Jay raised an eyebrow at her, and nodded once. “Still coulda called.” It was a weak answer and even in her semi-sober state Erin seemed to pick up on the fact.

“Why are you here Jay?”

“Because you didn’t call.” Because you left without saying goodbye. Because you quit. Because you didn’t say it was over.

“We just covered that.”

“Erin—“

“Don’t.” She told him, turning to properly face him, her arm leaning against the seat as she pointed at him. “You don’t have the right to come here and tell me how to live my life.”

“First off,” Jay mirrored her actions, an anger at being left bubbling to life. “I’m not coming here to tell you how to live your damn life, Erin. I came here because my partner, my friend up and left her damn job without a word to anyone. I’m allowed to be concerned. I’m allowed to come and check in with you because you don’t answer my texts or return my calls.”

Erin scoffed and shook her head. “Maybe I don’t do those things because I don’t care enough to want to.”

If she would have slapped him it would have hurt less. Jay swallowed and chuckled. “I know you care. I know you do, somewhere—“

“Jay, you don’t know me. You think you do, but you don’t.” He would have been more convinced if she would have looked him in the eye when she said that, but he could feel the icy grip of loss and numbness working its way through him at her tone.

“Then let me.” His voice was soft, pleading as he looked at her, hands itching to touch her, but knowing he couldn’t, the anger that was bubbling now gone, leaving him exhausted.

Erin gave him a sad smile, opening her mouth to say something before her cell sprung to life, filling his car and breaking whatever moment they were about to have. “Hey, Landon, yeah, I’m on my way up.”

Jay swallowed and looked away, bringing his hand to his hairline as he blocked out the rest of the call, not needing to know what her plans were.

“I gotta go.” Erin stated into the space between them, the distance seeming much farther now. When he didn’t turn to face her right away, she called his name and he turned to look at her, expressionless. “You gotta stop.”

Jay shook his head. “I’ll give you all the space you need, but you’re my friend, Erin. I’m worried about you. What you went through, no-one should have to face that alone.” He sighed and brought his hand down. “We’re all here for you, when you’re ready.”

It was Erin’s turn to let out an indignant snort and then out of nowhere she shook her head and opened the door. “You done, yeah?” she snapped and Jay wasn’t sure how the 180 had happened, but he was now looking at someone he didn’t recognize. “Go find someone else to save.” She spat, eyes looking anywhere but at him as she climbed out of his car and slammed the door, hurrying to her apartment building.

Jay had continued to text her; sometimes trading text but mostly not. He’d never stopped outside of her apartment again, but had driven by at least once a week. He’d spoken to Voight a handful of times before the Sargent had eventually told him that he’d filled Erin’s absence as furlough. That she was running out of time to sort herself out to come back. Jay had marked it on his calendar, checked it every day, he’d struggled with the idea of her not being there.

In every conversation the pair had had, she’d never told him why she left. She’d never really committed to leaving, she’d never told him it was over and that’s what he needed. Jay needed the closure if she had walked away. He needed her to look him in the eye and tell him that it was done. He hated how needy it made him sound; but the lingering doubt, the lack of finality, wasn’t something he could deal with. In his life, Jay had always had the black and white notion of who was in his life and why they were there, but she was his grey area. She was the one area of his life where uncertainty had taken up residence and wouldn’t go away.

Jay had spent more nights than he could count lying awake, working out how to get Erin the help she needed, how to help her talk. He’d called some of the people that had helped him when he’d first gotten back to clean up his act after his last tour to ask about getting help for her, without naming names, without giving any information. His efforts had led to people assuming that he was the friend and nothing about that had frustrated him more. Erin was his partner, and it was his duty to help her out of the hold she’d dug for him. Erin was his friend, and you always help a friend out when you can. Erin was…she wasn’t his anymore, but she’d always hold part of him and he’d always be the one who would be there when she needed him. No matter what.

It was then that Jay had had the idea, calling his friend at 4am.

“Yo, mouse, I need a favour.”

 Will you call me to tell me you're alright? 'Cause I worry about you.