#and here we can once again see me live in complete denial of the cancellation

[anxiouspotatorants]

Obviously everything in season 1 needs to be taken with a grain of salt and for all I know 90% of the reveals were a lie, but based on season 1 alone Maura’s situation is both horrifying and ingenious.

Because think about it. Regardless of if she planned it herself or if it was Ciaran, Maura’s simulation life is an actual hellscape. Her father was still neglectful and abusive. Her mother still lost all her memory. Simulation! Maura had experienced a miscarriage and was distressed about no longer being able to conceive, she was living in constant fear of her father’s plans, in a world and time where being a woman in the field of medicine was a nightmare all on its own, and where the only person she thought she could trust had been missing for four months. And then she finds out it’s all a lie. This torture of a life was created, and supposedly by herself, to escape the pain of her real life. Because to the Maura who made all of this, a life where she lived in constant fear and distrust of everything and everyone including her own mind was still a better life than the one where she lost her son.

And it was such a smart move too. Because why would she believe that such a life was a simulation? Wouldn’t she have come up with something fun and good? Or at the very least not so painful? And to on top of that give her a backstory that made her have to constantly fight not to question her perception of reality? To remind herself that she wasn’t crazy? It’s downright diabolical.

[simpingforsoftboys]

Love Me, Love Me Not

ft. Kuroken

G/N Reader

TW: Insecurities... I think that’s it?

Read This First

Mini Series Here

Okay part 2/4 for the continuation of “Toxic Things They Do” request. This is probably the hardest one for me because I’m better at writing Kuroken x reader on a platonic level aha. Not proofread because your girl is a slacker-

You’re sitting on the floor of your living room, staring at the tv while Kenma plays on the new PS5 he bought. He’s seated in Tetsuro’s lap, the dark haired male is busy yapping his ear off- to which Kenma lets out small hums of acknowledgement every once in a while to show he’s listening. You want to join them up there, somehow the couch seems so far away from you. Like a pillar high in the sky- only serving to show off what you can’t ever really have. It seems a little dramatic to be thinking that way, sure, but you have a valid reason to put it in such a manner. You know, since you’re allergic to leather and all.

Tetsuro was always so caring, constantly doting on the ones he loves. With his trashy puns, troublesome smirk, and sparkling eyes that promised a good time, he was perhaps the ideal man. He gave his all for those he cared for, seemingly nothing about him was selfish... and yet the leather couch had been Tetsuro’s idea- he had always been fond of the material after all. Even when you brought up the whole issue of you being allergic to it- he still insisted that they purchase a leather sofa. 

“We’ll just buy you a separate arm chair or something.” Kenma had said after listening to the both of you argue back and forth. “It’s not like we don’t have the money.” It hurt more looking back on it now than it did at the time. It was an unreasonable solution, but it wasn’t like Kenma was going to disagree with Kuroo. He never did. At least when it came to you that is.

You continue staring at them. There’s something about the way that Tetsuro gazes at Kenma that just screams love and contentment. He’s never looked at you that way- even back when you were in denial you knew that much. Kenma never had to do what you would need to in order to keep his attention on him. All Kenma needed to do was exist- unlike you- he never had to earn dear Kuroo’s love. 

Tetsuro only doted on those he loved. He loved Kenma. And he only seemed to love you when Kenma wasn’t around.

“Y/n...” The messy haired male called, long arms winding around your torso. “Let’s go to the arcade! I made some reservations- we have the whole place to ourselves for a few hours.” 

You remember being excited at the time- finally you would get to go on a date with Tetsuro. It had been so long since your last one. 

“Really? That’s awesome! Let me just get dressed.” You slipped into a pair of jeans and a band t-shirt before hurrying to meet Kuroo at the door. “Tetsu I’m-”

“I can’t believe you got called in so last minute. It’s too late to cancel the reservations already kitten.” Kuroo whines into the phone, obviously talking to Kenma. “Yeah I’m just bringing Y/n, no point in wasting money... oh? Okay see you later. Love you kitten~”

Needless to say, your day seemed a lot less exciting after overhearing that conversation.

Kuroo gently nudged the smaller male aside, standing up to go use the restroom. The two of you made eye contact briefly, he winked playfully before continuing on his way to the bathroom. Your gaze fell upon Kenma- who was still rapidly pushing buttons and triggers on his controller. 

Kenma had always been elusive. It was one of the things that drew you into him. He looked so uncaring about everything, at first you couldn’t even have imagined that he would be so attentive to every detail. Was it a trait he had gained from Tetsuro or vice versa? People do say lovers begin sharing habits over time. At first you could barely distinguish one of his expressions from another, but as you spent more time in his company you found much more than you could have hoped. You discovered that he was constantly changing, learning to be more expressive. Each time you thought you had him figured out- he had already developed beyond that.

The minuscule way his lips would upturn when he was amused soon changed into a hidden smile, chuckles threatening to escape his throat. Then that changed to a slightly wider one, showing the smallest amount of his teeth. Eventually he learned to forgo his embarrassment entirely- and he would laugh freely, all teeth, heart, and soul, in it. Yes, Kenma was a constantly evolving individual- like the ever changing maze in the maze runner. There was seemingly no escape to him- just twists and turns and dead ends. He was impossibly deep- a promise of a myriad of mysteries within his eyes. 

But you were just another runner- doomed to be lost in the maze- but never to escape it. Kuroo on the other hand was something else. He was on a completely different level- skilled in his knowledge of Kenma- able to come and go as he pleased. You doubted he’d ever wanted to escape. Neither did you- at first. 

Out of the two of them, Kenma had always been more receptive of you. It had surprised even Kuroo himself actually. You didn’t doubt Kenma’s love for you- not like you doubted Tetsuro’s- but you also knew that he’d never care for you as much as he did Kuroo. It showed in the little things.

“Y/n did you want to play with me?” Kenma’s soft voice carried over where you were- snuggled up in blankets, playing Animal Crossing while sitting in your arm chair. He had his own red and blue Switch in his hands. Kuroo had been home at the time, you recall hearing him snoring away in your bedroom. “It’s been awhile since it was just us.”

You smiled at his words and agreed. The two of you visiting each others islands and irritating your beloved villagers. It was fun, spending time with Kenma, and you could tell that he was enjoying himself- and not just because of the game. He would shoot you shy, soft smiles when he thought you weren’t looking. It was those smiles that really kept you clinging onto the sinking ship that was your relationship. 

Kenma loved you.

The smiles directed towards Kuroo were different. They weren’t shy- instead they were familiar and open. Kenma had known Kuroo far longer than he had you. The comfort he took in him was of an entirely separate magnitude. Naturally, this was the same with the amount of love he held for him too. 

He looked happier with Kuroo than he did with you.

Maybe it’s because of that fact that you decided to break the news to Kenma first. Making sure that your skin was covered with you long sleeves, pants, and socks, you made your way over to where Kenma was seated. His eyes tore away from the screen to stare at you worriedly. 

“Y/n your allergies-” He began.

“It’s fine, as long as my bare skin doesn’t touch the leather.” You reply, sitting beside him. You know you shouldn’t- not when you’re about to say this- but you yank him into a hug anyways. You hug Kenma tight and hard, because he’s the only one in this relationship that might even love you a sliver as much as you love him. He tries to turn, so that he can embrace you too- but you won’t let him, opting to pin his arms down with your own. It’ll hurt too much to do this if you let him hold you. 

“Y/n what’s wrong?” He asks and he looks at you like you’re the only one in the world for that moment. Bitterly, you wonder if this is what it feels like to be in Kuroo’s shoes. Yet again, you are reminded that while this is a rare sensation for you- it’s a daily occurrence between the two of them- looking at each other like they hung the stars up in the sky- that is. 

“I have to tell you something Kenma.” You murmur, licking your lips. “But first I’m going to let you go, right after I try to memorize what you feel like against me. And you have to promise not to try to hug me after that okay?” 

“W-why? What’s wrong Y/n?” He struggles again, fear overtaking his heart at your words. “What is it?”

“J-just promise me. You can be mad, you can cry, hell you can even laugh afterwards. But don’t try to reach out and hug me okay?” He’s never seen you so serious, so he nods his head. 

“I promise.” He agrees and stops fighting against you. You do your best to memorize this- the feeling of him in your arms. He’s warm and despite his lithe figure he’s firm against you. His hair is smooth and soft- since you had managed to drill into him how important hair maintenance was- it smells like his pricey conditioner. You rest your cheek against his for a long moment, before forcing yourself to pull away from him entirely. The half blonde abides by his promise, but it’s clear that he wants to reach out to you.

“This is going to hurt me a lot more than it’s going to hurt you.”

“What are you saying?” Kenma’s anxious now, eyes searching for answers in your own pools of e/c. 

“But you have Tetsuro... I don’t know how he’ll feel about this- but he’ll probably be furious with me.” You continue, heavy tears slipping from your tear ducts. “I don’t think this is working out Kenma-”

“What did I do?” He asks, wide eyed and desperate- you can hear the pain in his tone. “Did you fall out of love with me- with us?” The angel and devil perched on your shoulders agree that you should lie to him- tell him ‘yes, I did fall out of love with you.’ The angel says it’s better to do it this way, to spare him the pain of knowing what you went through. While the devil thinks you should say it in the most vicious way possible- to give back all the pain, the unworthiness they made you experience. But you refuse to listen, no one deserves to suffer through your insecurities.

“I’m still in love with you two.”

There’s tears spilling from both of your eyes now.

“Then why-”

“It’s because I’m not content anymore.” It’s not the full truth but it’s better than a lie right? You forgot that a half truth is a whole lie. 

“I think we deserve the truth.” Kuroo says from the entrance of the living room, he’s leaning against the doorway, arms crossed. “Not some half assed explanations.” 

“Right...” You agree, blinking back your tears. “I’m so grateful for you two. Tetsuro you’re so caring and selfless, you give your heart in everything you do- I’d be lying to say that I’m over you. Kenma you’ve always been so attentive and I won’t lie- something about you just makes me want to appreciate you endlessly. But babes, you’ve been in love for so long- I can’t possibly catch up.” 

Kuroo’s expression is shocked, not expecting this. “Y/n-”

“No, please listen.” You ask of him- just this once- to listen to you. Luckily for you he does. Kenma looks like he wants to speak up too, but swallows his words. It’s the first time they’ve let you get a word in without getting defensive. Kinda poetic if you think about it. Your last 'argument’ as a throuple and the first time they’ve been able to let you say your piece.

“Tetsu, it’s clear Kenma’s your first and foremost priority. I don’t even know if what we have is love or admiration- but it’s not what I’m looking for.” You give him a sad smile and he discovers that it’s the most genuine one he’s seen from you.

“Y/n I-” He tries, only to get an impatient look from both you and Kenma. “Sorry, continue.”

“I’m a hypocrite to say this- but Kenma... this is harder to say because I’ve grown more attached to you overtime.” You hate yourself for what you’re about to say next- the hypocrisy you’re about to spew is enough to render your feelings null and void... or so you believe. “I never doubted with you- what we had... have... it’s definitely love.” 

Kenma looks ugly, his face is all scrunched up and theres snot and tears dripping down onto his lap. “It always was- still is Y/n.”

“I know baby.” You whisper back, it pains you to see him like this. “But you’re still more in love with Tetsu.” He can’t deny it either, that’s what pains him the most. “I love the both of you though. So I really do wish you the best. It’s the only thing I can do- because I can’t stay here and hold you back.”

Something inside of Kuroo’s heart cracks and he finds himself tearing up at your words. It hurts because you’re right. He doesn’t love you like that- or at least he doesn’t think so. But if that’s the case then it doesn’t make sense as to why he’s hurting. 

“I’m sorry that I had to be the one to call it quits- because I never, ever, wanted to be the one to do that. But guys-” Your voice cracks, it embodies all the heart ache you’re feeling- been feeling for so long. “When it’s just you two, at the altar, finally becoming one... I’ll be able to say with good faith that I made the right decision. So don’t fight me, don’t even say anything- this is what I want. This isn’t for just you- it’s for me too.”

They nod, facing the consequences of your choice- maybe it goes further than that. Maybe all this time the three of you were doomed to fail. If that’s the case then it’s a blessing that you’re not going down in flames. Instead this chapter is ending with a flood of tears and the promise of ruin. But there’s also the underlying hope that one day the flood will dry up and they’ll finally be able to look at the ruins without feeling regret. It’s that hope that all three of you cling too. That hope that one day you’ll be able to rebuild upon the ruins- a new temple, new kingdom. A new place for a rebuilt- or maybe even entirely new- love. 

A/N: I did Kuroo so dirty but I’m not sorry about that. In all honesty this is how I feel it’d go in a situation like this. Kuroo’s priority is always going to be Kenma. He’s a chemistry nerd- and their shared chemistry is so deep, it’s engrained onto the face of their soul. I think Kenma does really love Y/n but he’ll always love Kuroo just a little more. But sometimes a little is all the difference and is the game changer in the end. I do think, that if Kenma had loved the two of them equally- then maybe they could have been fine with a polygamous dynamic- but sadly that’s not the case.

This is also the harsh reality to a lot of poly relationships- some people enter them but aren’t prepared to love equally. So there’s an imbalance there that really shouldn’t be there. A lot of authors who write for polyships don’t touch on this but I want to be here to write about the good and the bad. 

Seeing the reader after the breakup

[neoheros]

how would haikyuu boys handle getting shipped with a friend on tiktok? feat. kuroo tetsuro

kuroo tetsuro has a crippling tiktok addiction and he’s in denial about it but everyone around him knows because all he does in his free time is get on that app

that’s canon i��m not arguing with anyone about this

he’s the kind of guy to fall asleep from scrolling through his fyp and the moment he wakes up he looks for his phone under his pillow to watch more lmaooo

so anyways

you share classes with him and he’s not really the kind of guy to have crushes especially on people he’s not close with

but then one day he’s on his fyp and he stumbles on one of your videos

and he’s just like ?? woah

he recognizes you obvi, he’s not one to talk to people out of his friend group but he’s not completely ignorant to everyone else

he immediately sees that you have indeed quite the following and have almost majority of your posts going viral

so yea you can say he’d notice you more in class now

at first it was subtle, looking at you more when he’s spacing out or paying close attention to you when you’re reciting

he doesn’t even notice how he includes you more in his thought process until the day kenma pointed it out to him how he’s been a bit more distracted lately

he brushed it off thinking it wasn’t really anything serious

but then boy Oh boy !!!

he started noticing the fact that you’ve got a really nice room in your vids and your fave led lights are the red ones since you almost always use them

he’s also really into the fact that you upload more on comedic videos than dancing ones

but HONEY when you posted your take on the dance trend of savage by megan thee stallion ,,, he was GONEEEE !!!

he sent that video to kenma like five times in a row with the caption “aha brb gonna LIVE for this woman 😗✌️”

kenma be like: simp city population - u

at this point he just accepts it, like flat out he took it within himself to UNDERSTAND how much he’s crushing on you and kenma asks him if he’s gonna do anything about it and he’s like ????

like he gets how awesome he is and stuff cause duh captain of the volleyball team and most probably the most beautiful man on campus but you’re also really good in class and very attractive

not to mention that you’ve never even looked his way before

he was hurt, man !!

only he could feel as rejected as someone who actually did get rejected

nevertheless, he got over that and just woke up one day telling himself that he was gonna shoot his shot anyway !!

so one day in class, right after the lunch bell rang, he took a deep breath and rummaged his insides for every drip of confidence he could muster

he walked to your seat and you were kinda surprised because this boy right here has never once talked to you before

his opening line was “can i sit here?”

you were still really confused but then he said something about wanting to be friends and your heart was just really warm cause !!!! that’s so NICE !!

and he mentioned how he knew you from tiktok since you practically lived on his fyp

you were really embarrassed and he got to see in action how your ears turn really red when you get shy

kuroo, internally: “that’s so FUCKEN CUTE !!!!!”

he had to reassure you that it was indeed really cool that you made bomb ass tiktoks

you were so grateful cause like one minute you were having a terrible day because of your stupid teacher then bam this 6’2 beauty of a man came swooping in telling you you were terrific

you two became friends after that and it made you really happy to have someone as cool as kuroo as your best friend

kuroo likes to sit with you at lunch except when you’re with other people then he gets a bit dejected so he’s just “well damn maybe tomorrow then”

it’s all good though cause he has invited you to numerous of his practices and that’s when you SEE how amazing this man is at volleyball

one day you’re like “hey wanna do a tiktok with me?”

and he’s like “the one where you kiss me?”

you, flushed: DIPSHIT WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT !!!!1!1!1!!

you guys do the one where you dance to supalonely by benee

it went OFF !!! 700k likes and a solid ass 2.7M views because apparently the viewers really like it when kuroo dances next to you in his varsity uniform and has sweat dripping on his forehead

your comments for the next two weeks are just like “bro post another one with kuroo please PLEASE”

kuroo: guess people just like me more :)

you: leave my mentions <3

sometimes you’d get people replying to your videos with “you and kuroo look really good together”

you see them but you most likely ignore it because even if you did know how much you liked kuroo, you didn’t wanna jeopardize the friendship, yk?

anyhow due to popular demand, you include him in your videos again and every time you do they always go viral !!!

it’s very cute especially when you do the ones where you snapchat him song lyrics and he answers even if he does know it’s a trend

“can they please just get together already, we all know they’re pining but they’re too coward to say it !!”

you: ok u know what user9728182829 since u’r so good at this why don’t u be the one to make tiktoks at a volleyball court and dodge all those stray balls 😤

you were so fed up with it that you actually tell kuroo about the entirety of tiktok shipping the two of you together

he was worried that you were upset because people liked you and him dating that he thought maybe you just weren’t into him

BUT THEN !!!

because of the corona virus all the schools shut down and people were forced to stay in their houses for quarantine

it was sad that everything got cancelled and you weren’t allowed to see your friends anymore

but that’s ok cause kuroo insisted to facetime everyday

you: why can’t we just text

kuroo: because what if you forget what i look like 🥺

you: hey i’m not that blessed ❤️

it was like the quarantine never happened since you still saw and talked to him everyday

sometimes he’d show up at your place but refuse to come inside cause social distancing

this mfer threw rocks on your glass window just to get your attention once

kuroo: i got you those edible cookie dough in pints !!

you: omfg 🥺👉👈

then he chucks it at you because he ain’t boutta break the law to get you food 😤

it’s ok though you have really good reflexes and it only hit your elbow the first 2 times !!

you got it all on camera and posted it on tiktok and everyone in the comments were LIVID at the fact that you captioned it with “best friends b like”

“i just know that kuroo is punching the air right now.”

“imagine risking the corona and still being friend zoned.”

“when you realize kuroo is actually the president of simp city.”

other times he’d snap you at 3 in the morning asking if you want anything from starbucks

no one:

your snapchat dms at 3:28 am: you really went to bed you SN A KE !!

and when you wake up the next morning you find out that this guy is still awake and that he’s been chilling in the starbucks parking lot all morning !!!

that’s ok though because other than the fact that his sleep schedule is completely wrecked he still got you your venti strawberry acai refresher

you: thank you sm 🥺 what do i owe you

kuroo: a kiss on the cheek

you: you can have the drink back ❤️

that’s when the new tiktok trend started and people were posting the hottest guys on campus or revealing their crushes since 1st grade

you, feeling brave because school is cancelled: aight bet 😎

you do a tiktok hopping on the trend and you captioned it with “now that we aren’t coming back to school here are the boys from campus that i’d date for real”

you stall for the first 30 second by vibing to the music and when the beat drop !!

you showed a picture of kuroo and you put in the text “kinda missing him too”

you were extremely regretting this but numerous people already saw it and the comments went on and on about how unsurprising this was

press f ma’am

so one afternoon while kuroo was scrolling through his tiktok, he was surprised by the amount of notifications he was getting

cause he doesn’t even post videos ??

he’s only there to watch funny stuff and leave insulting comments on your posts cause he’s a good friend

he checks and they’re all just tags of him in this one video and he was kinda worried cause what if it was a hate post ??

but then he saw that it was yours and he’s less nervous !!!

kuroo, texting you: if you diss me in this one i’m posting the screenshot of you falling asleep on facetime

so he watches it and ??????????????

bro he went 🥺

before he messages you he went straight for the comments and !!!!!

“who knew it was kuroo before watching the whole video?”

“don’t be shy put some more photos of him !!”

“if kuroo duets this i’m gonna make sure to never fall in love unless its like this.”

“y’all he did it boys!! he graduated from the best friend zone!!”

he’s still really surprised by this and he really hopes you’re not kidding cause bro you??? like him????

thanks to that comment he saw, he decides to duet your video by using the same sound and doing the same dance with the same caption “now that we aren’t coming back to school here are the ones from campus that i’d date for real”

and they’re all just pictures of you 🥺

it blows up but before you see it on your fyp he’s already asking to facetime and when you answer you swear he’s just got the biggest smile in the world i’m :(

kuroo: lol remember when you publicly told majority of the internet how much you liked me

you: lol remember when you weren’t talking ❤️

[jiminthestreets-bonesinthesheets]

I Loved Him... Once - CH 1

Title: I Loved Him... Once

Author: jiminthestreets-bonesinthesheets

Fandom: Criminal Minds

Pairing: Heid (Aaron Hotchner x Spencer Reid)

Rating: This ones General but eventually as the series goes it will be Explicit

Tags: canon typical violence and gore, eventual smut as the series goes, angst, fluff, pining., its gunna be a slow burn guys.

Summary: A series following the team as they solve crimes and take down the bad guys.

     In Part one of this series, we follow the team as they take down a serial killer that has taken a piece of one of their own. And through it all, Spencer and Hotch come to a few conclusions and realizations of their own.

AO3 Link 

Masterlist

*** My works are not to be posted on any sites without my permission! But comments and reblogs are love! <3 Please and thanks!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter 1

Spencer: 

     “What we have done for ourselves alone, dies with us. What we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal.” - Albert Pike

~~~~~~~~~~~ 

     “Fourteen days, fourteen days, fourteen glorious days!” 

     Spencer barely looked up from the book he was reading, sat at his desk, leaning back in his desk chair as Derek Morgan sashayed across the bullpen and perched himself on the corner smiling down at him.

     He opted to ignore the over the top, ray of sunshine, mood Derek was in, and flipped the page of his book. Derek was not giving in, he was not going to be ignored when he was in such a good mood, so he swiftly swooped his hand and stole Spencer's book, eliciting a whine of protest as he sat forward and reached for it. Though he didn't make any more effort than that, he knew very well there was no way he would be able to get the book back from Derek through force.

     “Come on, Morgan, give it back.”

     Derek laughed, his eyes shining with mirth as he kept playing keep away with Spencer, “You really want it back that bad?”

     “Yes, actually, it was just starting to get good!” He made another jolt forward to reach for the book but it was in vain. Spencer’s brain might be fast, but Derek Morgan's reflexes were always faster.

     “Really, kid, you're reading…” He turned the book over and eyed the title with a raised brow, “‘The Art of War’. You planning on taking someone down, Reid?” Spencer just eyed him as he closed the book and tucked it under his crossed arms, knowing full well that the genius would remember not only the page number he had been on before Derek closed the book, but the exact word he had read last. “Now, like I said before, we have fourteen, I repeat, fourteen glorious days of vacation starting right now. And you're telling me that your only plans are to sit here at your desk, at work, and continue reading ‘The Art of War’ instead of going out and doing something, anything, other than that?”

     “It never hurts to educate yourself, Morgan, and yes, that's exactly what I'm telling you,” he replied, a little short, then tried once more to swipe unsuccessfully for his book, “now give me back my book.”

     “Good god, man, live a little, you're killing me.” Derek stood and moved the book even further out of Spencer's reach, so he just huffed and sat back in his chair again. “You don't have any plans? No dates? No trips to exotic lands to meet fine exotic ladies?”

     “When have you ever known me to ever have plans? Or dates for that matter. It's not like girls are exactly lining up to date the lanky, boy genius.”

     “Oh you're much more than that, pretty boy, you know that.” Morgan perched himself on the side of his desk again.

     “Not to mention the fact that seeing this in a bathing suit on a beach full of, more than likely, gorgeous people, is not something that is on anyone's bucket list, I'm positive of that. I'm so white I'd probably end up blinding half the beach with my legs alone.”

     Derek was laughing, near tears at this point, “Oh, come on kid, it can't be that bad.”

     “Oh, it is,” Spencer was slightly laughing at this point too, “I went to a pool party once in university and I was asked to put my shirt back on because the light was reflecting off my skin and ‘hurting people's eyes’... Derek, it was ten at night. My skin was reflecting the pool lights so severely it was hurting people.”

     Derek barked out a laugh so hard he nearly fell off the table and Spencer couldn't help but join him. “So you just need a little bit of sun, cancel out some of the white. Why not come with me to Barbados? Little sand, little sun, and a whole lotta’ fun.” He shot a quick wink at Spencer who just scoffed and looked away. “Give me two days with you on the beach and I guarantee I could get you a couple shades darker, at least.”

     “Oh, yes,” he nodded, smirking, “as well as skin cancer.”

     “I promise I won't let you get skin cancer, but that being said, once we get you all sunkissed and confident, I can't promise I'll be able to keep all those fine ladies off of you.”

     “You're not making this sound any better. Skin cancer, STD’s, and multitudes of random women hanging off of me, no thank you.”

     “Well, if you don't want to be swarmed by the fine exotic women,” he paused, smirking down at a waiting Spencer, “I'm sure I can help you land some handsome exotic men, then. I'm not here to judge. More women for me.”

     Spencer reached to the side and grabbed the small pile of papers that were sitting there, and swiftly smacked Derek on the arm with them, “Get off my desk.”

     “That doesn't sound like a denial,” he ducked as he was swatted at again, ��come with me and I promise you'll have a good time.”

     “Go!”

     Derek chuckled once more, before ducking under his own desk to grab his bag, then turned back to toss the book back to Spencer who barely caught it, “My flight doesn't leave till tomorrow night, think about it!”

     “I don't need to, I'm not going!”

     “Think about it!”

     “What's the point anyways!?” He called as Derek was almost out of ear shot, but he continued anyways, “When has vacation ever worked out for us? I'd buy a ticket and pay for a room, and realistically we'll probably end up right back here in two days, four tops!”

     Derek was gone by this point, not having heard most of what he had said, more than likely already knowing that this was probably their reality, but not wanting to have to accept it. Though his complaints didn't fall on deaf ears.

     “Oh, now you've gone and jinxed it. Just know that if our vacation gets cancelled due to a case, I am definitely coming after you first, Reid.” 

     He gazed up at Emily over the edge of his book, having indeed remembered the exact word he had left off on when it was stolen from him, and gave her a playful smirk. “I am only stating statistics. If you factor in every vacation we have had since we started here at the BAU, the odds that we will have a full, uninterrupted ‘fourteen glorious days’ as Morgan put it, are less than ten percent. Eight point five-six-three-two percent to be exact.”

     “God I hate you sometimes,” though she laughed as she said it, “so you really don't have any plans?”

     “I never said I didn't have any plans,” he sighed and closed his book on his desk, resigned to not getting any reading done until everyone was gone, “just because I don't have plans involving a hot beach or women, doesn't mean I don't have plans.”

     “Oh!” She perked up and moved closer, intrigued. “So what kinds of fun are you up to then?”

     “Oh, loads!” He shifted in his chair, moving to lean towards her with his elbows on his desk. “I'm signed up for a lecture series that starts tomorrow, but the one I'm most excited for is a lecture called ‘Synthetic Metals: A Novel Role For Organic Polymers’ presented by Dr. Alan G. MacDiarmid. It's a Nobel lecture all about possible engineering applications for, and the inner workings of, organic and conductive polymers. It sounds completely fascinating! I was also thinking of taking a trip to Colonial Williamsburg. I mean, how amazing would it be to walk the same streets as Thomas Jefferson, or eat in the same place as George Washington! I was also thinking of visiting the Virginia Museum of Fine Arts. They have over twenty- two thousand works on display that are largely focused on modern and contemporary art, especially with a focus on European art after the nineteen hundreds. They are also having a workshop there next week focusing on-”

     “Woah, woah, take a breath,” she laughed a bit, then asked with a hint of concern, “aren't you doing anything that doesn't involve… learning? Like, no info intake, no lecture series, no workshops, just relaxing? Letting your brain just take a break?”

     Spencer pouted his bottom lip in thought then looked back up to Emily, “No? Why would I want to waste two weeks doing nothing when I could spend them increasing my knowledge?”

     “Wouldn't you want to sit back and…” She stared confusedly at an equally confused Spencer, then just shook her head with another laugh, “Nevermind, look who I’m talking to. Of course you would think that spending two weeks learning would be an ideal vacation. To each their own I guess, right.”

     He just nodded, picking his book up again as she moved away from his desk.

     “Well, have fun with your jam packed knowledge filled two weeks, see you in fourteen days.”

     “Or in two to four days. Don't forget the eight point five-six-three-two percent chance that I will see you before-”

     “Blah, blah, blah!” She covered her ears as she walked away from him, “Can't hear you, already on vacation!”

     “Very mature,” though he was smiling, “have fun with your mother.”

     She threw a quick wave at him then disappeared. When she was finally gone, he sat back in his chair with a content sigh. Now that Emily was gone, it was just himself, Rossi, and Hotch who were left in the office, and he knew there was a very low chance that either of them would interrupt him to inquire about his vacation plans. He was finally able to finish his book in peace before catching the last train home. 

~~~~~~~~~~~

     “Knock, knock.” 

     Aaron looked up from where he had been bent over the front of his desk, the pile of papers he had been sorting through covering every inch of it, and towards the door. “David, come in.”

     The man did, eyeing the mess, but merely stood in the middle of the room and tucked his hands into the pockets of his very expensive suit. “Always one of the last to leave, huh?”

     “Has everyone gone?” Aaron asked without looking up this time.

     “Everyone except the usual suspect.”

     “Reid.” Aaron sighed. ‘Not last to leave,’ he thought. Spencer always seemed to still be there, even in the late late hours of the night. After a case, before vacation, even sometimes during vacation. Aaron always felt bad for the man, worried that he was lonely, though nowadays he could relate. 

     “I overheard him talking with Emily and Derek before they left. His most exciting plans seem to have something to do with a Nobel lecture series,” Rossi moved closer, taking up the chair in front of Aaron’s desk, “that kid needs to learn how to slow down and relax, I'm worried he might burn out someday if he doesn't. He should go out, have some fun from time to time.”

     “Well I'm not much better,” Aaron turned, leaning against his desk with his arms crossed, now facing David, “my plans for the next two weeks pretty much consist of staying home, catching up on more paperwork, and if I can swing it with Haley, taking Jack for a few days. If I play my cards right, the park will be the most exciting adventure of my vacation. I'm not exactly going out to paint the town red either.”

     “Yeah, you two are wild,” he drawled with a smirk, “you know, maybe a date would do the kid well. Loosen him up a bit.”

     Aaron eyed him warily with a tilt of his head, seeing right through his attempted ruse, “What exactly are you suggesting?”

     “Perhaps, while you both have the time off, you and Spencer could plan something together.” Aaron closed his eyes with a sigh and shifted, opened his mouth to say something in protest, but David beat him to it, hands up to stop him. “I'm just saying, you're the only two people on the team that aren't out of town for the next two weeks. I’ll be in Italy visiting family, JJ is taking her family camping, Prentis is visiting her mom, Garcia is, quote, ‘on a shopping tour of all the best malls in the northern hemisphere’, and Morgan is hitting the beach in Barbados. That leaves you and Reid. So all I'm saying is that maybe you can stop fantasizing about the kid and actually do something about your infatuation.”  

     Aaron just gaped at his friend, shocked, speechless for the first time in as long as he can remember. “I… how…” Was the only thing he was able to manage to stutter out.

     David just smiled up at him mischievously and stated, “I'm a profiler, Aaron, and a damn good one. I've seen the way you look at Spencer, the way you stick close to him, and it's very obvious you care about him. It doesn't take a genius to figure it out, yet ironically the only one to not have figured it out yet is the only actual certified genius.”

     Aaron still didn't know what to say. He had never told anyone about how he felt about Spencer. It was hardly appropriate for him to attempt to pursue the man considering he was his superior, not to mention older than him. Something that had plagued him since the very day he met the cute, quirky doctor on his first day with the BAU. 

     “I can tell you're over-thinking, Aaron.” Rossi speaking brought him out of his small internal panic and he looked down at him. “What is it? That you're his boss? Strauss?”

     He shifted, crossing his arms impossibly closer to his chest. No point in denying it now. “A bit of both, I guess. Not to mention the age difference between us.”

     “First off, I wouldn't worry about Strauss. If anything were to happen between you and Spencer, as long as you navigate the correct channels and immediately disclose your relationship, sign the proper papers, then there is nothing Strauss can do against either of you or your jobs. As for you being his superior, I wouldn't even give that a second thought. No one on our team would think anything of it, no one would ever even entertain the thought that you took advantage, and neither would Spencer.” David then leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees as he spoke. “And the age gap, who cares. Love, is love, is love. Take it while you've got it and don't ever let it go. Age is but a number and love knows no bounds.”

     “Very profound of you, David.” He couldn't help but let a small chuckle slip.

     “What can I say, I am the embodiment of love.”

     “Right, and is that why you've been married three times and are on wife number four?”

     They both laughed, hearty and full, and for the first time since they started talking, Aaron found himself feeling a lot lighter. It was nice to finally have someone who knew his secret feelings for the young genius, and be able to actually have someone to talk to and confide in about it. 

     Rossi's phone ringing broke the moment though, and he reached into his pocket, just looking at the screen and not answering. “Well, my ride to the airport is here. I will see you in two weeks, do not call me.”

     Aaron let loose one last light chuckle, moving along with Dave to see him out. With a smile and a pat on the back as they reached the door he said, “I'll try not to, enjoy your time in Italy.”

     “Oh I intend to,” he opened the door, then turned back at the last minute, “but do me a favor will ya. Don't call me, but do call Spencer.”

     Aaron just smiled, gave Dave a small push out the door, and answered, “Good bye, David.”

     Once he was out the door and down the stairs, Aaron closed the door and took a step to the side to watch him cross the bullpen. He gave a quick goodbye to Spencer as he passed, and then he was gone. Then his eyes wandered over to the last person left besides himself, still sitting alone at his desk, leaned back reading his book. He sighed, watching Spencer for a moment longer before thinking to himself, maybe David was right. Why should he worry about all that other nonsense? Besides, he would never know if Spencer felt the same unless he asked.

~~~~~~~~~~~

     Aaron finally finished organizing the paperwork explosion on his desk, filing away what was finished and adding the rest to his bag, then was finally able to head out. 

     It had been a good two hours since Rossi had left his office, leaving Aaron with all kinds of things to think about, and the man that those thoughts were all about was still sitting in the same spot he had been in since vacation officially began. Though now, Spencer was already halfway through his second book. 

     As he passed him, the younger man not even so much as lifting his eyes from his book, he said a quiet, “Have a good vacation, Reid.”

     “You too, Hotch,” he answered back, and Aaron just about kept walking, but stopped himself at the last minute and turned back.

     They were currently alone, no one else around but him and Spencer, so now was just as good a time as any. “Reid…”

     At the questioning tone to his name, Spencer looked up at Hotch who was now standing right in front of him, “Yeah?”

     “I… I was…'' Spencer was still looking up at him with concerned eyes, a furrowed brow, and if Aaron was being honest, a super cute frown. Now, what Aaron wanted to say was ‘Spencer, I know that you and I are the only two who will be remaining in town for the duration of our vacation time, and I was wondering perhaps, if you would like to take advantage of the fact and allow me to take you out to dinner tomorrow night?’ But what he actually managed to come out with instead, was a sad and defeated, “I… I just wanted to wish you well. I hope you have a good fourteen days, and I heard you will be attending a lecture series, I hope it's informative.”

     “Right…” Hotch couldn't be certain, but he was sure that Spencer almost looked… disappointed? “An-anything else?”

     “... No, I don't believe so.” And before he could stumble his way through any more embarrassing sentences he quickly said, “Good night,” and left before Spencer could even return the sentiment. Leaving him staring, still confused and a little down, after a fast walking Aaron, not having the courage to even look back as he left.

~~~~~~~~~~~

     Derek woke for the first time well rested and relaxed. No case to solve, no unsub on his mind, no high speed chase down unfamiliar roads, and no showdown with a psychopath in some dark abandoned warehouse. It was just him, the sun, the sand, and two weeks of relaxing and sleeping late, eating more than he probably should and shoving as much fun into two weeks as was completely possible.

     Now, those were Derek's original plans. The plans he made before he left Quantico, Virginia for the beaches in Barbados. For the all night parties, the beautiful ladies, and the all inclusive never ending free drinks. And yet, here he found himself, within arm's reach of all those things, and not doing a single one of them. 

     Instead, Derek walked down the beach and found an empty lounge chair tucked under a very colourful umbrella. A sprite and lime with ice in hand, he stood and looked out at the calming ebb and flow of the ocean, letting the soft crashing of the waves take over and clear his mind completely. It was nice, the best he'd felt in a long, long time. 

     A volleyball skid to a halt at his feet, covering his toes in warm sand, caught his attention and he turned to face the small group of women off to his side. He kicked the ball back over to them, each one of them very obviously interested in getting to know Derek, even if it were just for one night. But to his own surprise, he found himself flashing a smile and a wave in decline of their invitation to come play, and instead took up his seat in the covered lounge chair. 

     He took a second to breathe in the fresh air, took a sip of his drink, then reached down to the small bag he had tucked under the chair, rifling through until he found what he was looking for. He settled back in the chair, not able to help the smile that spread across his face as he read the title of the book in his hands, 'The Art of War', and settled back to read it with a quietly muttered, "Damn you, Spencer Reid."

~~~~~~~~~~~

A/N: So there is chapter 1, chapter 2 to come soon! I’m super excited about this guys XD

And if anyone wants to be tagged for future updates please let me know <3

[clementineesotsm]

THE KING: ETERNAL MONARCH EP 3, My Appreciation and How It Made Me Feel

I will start the eps with 1 of the best line from this series.

“Among real numbers, Zero is my favorite. You have the nature of that number. Usually a zero means that there is nothing, but its actually a number of absolute power. It can nullify any number or take everything away from it. What makes money powerful is not the number at the front, but the number zeros behind it. A number trapped in a root symbol can escape under only two circumstances. The need to have a square root or meet the powerful number, zero”

This is (for me) one of the best subtle confession in a series that i have ever watch. It is related to the person’s background, its flirty, honest but not cheesy. Well written.

I love how Lee Gon says it and i love JTE annoyed expression (or probably she fluttered but did not want to show it 🤓) . Gon annoyed because JTE seems dont understand his sincerety and ended up teasing her as a bear. Which is cute.

At first i was shock that he really take JTE to the bamboo forest, later we realize that he is just teasing her, he did not bring the flute. I cannot point it one by one but their bickering in this particular scene was very funny but also serious. At this point i think a part of JTE believed him but she is in denial. And this scene for me was quite important, because we see Gon’s honesty once again about him being a king at 8 and his first duty was to do funeral for his dad also how Gon’s was actually pay attention to what JTE was saying about her being cold and lend his jacket to her, very gentle. This little things were what i think made JTE feels something different towards him. In this episode also drawn me deeper to Gon’s character, i love how he is very paying attention to detail and to what it is JTE says, as it is a very important things. Here he knew about kim sowol from JTE, but damn i did not realize that the poems will be bery important for the entire series later on. Anyway Kudos to the writer and the actors for acting it up very natural.

Then we saw KSJ! I love him from the beginning and this scene where he saw the Corea logo on maximus saddle. And we got to see the logo again in his book. I love the tension they created with the music and the way they connected and moves from this scene in Korea to the scene in Corea was very good. Then they zoom in the ajumma for us to realize later that this ajumma works in the palace was KSJ moms. Kudos to the editor or producer. Because this drama is about to see the detail. If you see it you will be amaze by how good it is

One of underated character in this series was probably Seungah, because her character was so interesting and so much potential to add value to the story. Both Nari and Seung ah could created more tense actually but they did not really use them, but okay. No problem.

This eps also brings us a closer look to PM Koo character. Aside of the greed shes having, she is actually good in doing her job. Very realistic. When Gon asked her wheter she is an honest person or not? Her answer was very satisfying “honesty is only a priviledge that King/royal family has since you dont need to look for an approval rating by the public. But i am a politicians” and also she is quite honest about wanting to use Kings action of paying tax as a way to get approval ratings and will start from cancelling salary raised of the congress team. Kings really pick a good PM though. One of her powerful lines was when this congress guys insult her by saying that she got to be PM because the support of the party team and now she is the PM she is only out more make up and be a crap to the team. Then she says “if this position can be kept only by dressing and make up, you can do the same as well!” Her line, her acting here was powerful. I love her to be honest

This episode has many of my fav scene. Here we also had to see JTE meeting Gon after she got no result to his dna. She is definitely trying to understand what is this person in front of him. We got to see the infamous MSD (making, shaking, drinking) with JTE side eyed Gon for not knowing how to mix alcohol and “The King one shot” line. Them replying each other words with the same phrase was very clever writings by the writer

JTE: 아휴, 지어내지마 (dont make things up!)

Go: 자네 그거 알아야돼. 내가 지어내잖아? 그럼 그게 곧 법이 돼 (do you know? If i make things up that will be a law)

JTE: 너 그거 알아야돼. 내가한대치잖아? 그럼 그게 곧 멍이 돼 (do you know? If i hit you that will make a bruised)

And Gon teased JTE also that King and Queen was living in Busan just in case shes curious 🤣 but aside from them this scene also very important, because Gon explaining kind of detail of what kind of country Corea is. Which we need to pay attention to for the sake of our understanding to the entire series. They are at the brink of war in Japan, they are 1 country not divided and that they are running in constitutional monarch etc (watch it!)

Moving on we got to see Yeong being completely worried about Gon and having a flashback when he had a conversation with Gon about Gon’s worried that the autopsy report of Lee Rim might be incorrect. He said a symbol in math could help you to define a phenomenone. He suspicious that Lee Rim use the body as a symbol to show that he was dead. But what was added to the real him? What is this body that looks like him but not him? Then as the flashback fade and comesback to lonely Yeong at the Kings studies room, he said “where are you King? What was added to you?” This was one of the most clever dialogue as well, it was though out nicely. Kudos again to the writer. Also to the camera work and the cinematography, this particular scene has a great both camera work and cinematography!

To be continued..

[cassandras-blogg]

"Swallowing Courage”

(Danny Wagner X Sam Kiszka)

CHAPTER THREE - THE EPIPHANY Author's Note: VERY sorry it took so long, I have been super busy but here we go! Comment, tell me what you think. Warnings: Dry humping, intense touching, some sex talk, denial of sexuality (a reoccurring theme in this story).

Danny had asked Sam to come over earlier when he was high on endorphins and dopamine from the experimental kissing. The words "Why don't you come over later?" came from a place inside of him that he still did not understand. He sighed and sat down in his living room and began to contemplate different ideas of how he could ditch Sam or convince him today was not a good day to come over. Then the possibilities of what could happen if Sam came over later began to surface in his mind. Considering these possibilities quickly turned into fantasizing about Sam's lips and his kisses. Danny knew he wanted more, but he was trying his hardest not to think about it. There was no time for daydreaming about Sam, no time to be indecisive, especially if he was actually going to be seeing him within an hour. At this point, he felt that there was no going back, even if he did decide to cancel on Sam he knew he would have to face this feeling eventually. Danny decided to take an extra long shower so he could make sure he was completely clean. He left the conditioner in his hair for longer than usual and took his time rinsing the top layer of his skin. Once he became used to the temperature of the water he twisted the shower handle and made the water warmer. The heat irritated the blisters that were already on his hands which created a new burning sensation. After that Danny decided enough was enough and turned off the water. He attempted to soothe the pain in his hands with cheap lotion and a few liquid Advil’s he found in on his desk. Danny noticed the scattered mess on his desk and became very aware of how messy his room looked. After taking in the scenery, he started to pick up all the laundry off of his floor. Then he began to pick up anything random like chargers, papers, shoes, and bracelets he had on the ground. Danny shoved most of this stuff in the closet or under his bed so the mess could be out of sight.

”Danny! Get down here.” Mrs. Wagner called from downstairs. ”Coming.” Danny answered. He took one last look in the mirror and then he quickly made his way down the stairs.

“Sam was at the door.” Mrs. Wagner sighed. His heart stopped, Sam decided to come by earlier than expected. ”Good-Oh wait, was? Where is he now?” Danny asked. ”Gone. Your friends can’t just come over whenever they want. Your grades have been dropping, and you need to bring them up. I’m really being serious about that. I told Sam he can come another day.” Mrs. Wagner replied. Danny wanted to argue with his mom but he knew this was going to be a losing battle. ”Okay. I’m sorry.” Danny said turning around ready to go back up the stairs. ”Seriously. Get your grades up, Danny. You really need to stop slacking. It’s your last year of high school. Then it’s all over!” Mrs. Wagner said. Danny didn’t bother replying to her because he has heard her say this countless times in the past few weeks. This was unusual because Danny usually had great grades. This year was a different story. He really wanted to have the motivation to care about school, but he just couldn’t bring himself to complete assignments lately. Once Danny made it back up the stairs he stood in the door of his room and stared at his newly cleaned space. He climbed into his bed and grabbed his phone, preparing to text Sam his own explanation. Then he heard a knock at his window. He practically rolled off the bed and then lifted his head and saw Sam kneeled behind the window with a plastic bag on his shoulder. Danny quietly slid his window open and Sam swung one leg into his room. He put all of his weight onto this one leg, which knocked over a cup of pens on Danny’s desk.

”Shhh!” Danny whispered and glanced up at Sam with wide eyes. “Here I’ll help you. Give me your hand.”

“I’m sorry.” Sam squinted his eyes and clenched his teeth. Then grabbed Danny’s hand and quietly finished climbing his way into the room. Danny immediately knew something was wrong because the texture of Sam’s hand felt different. He looked down and unclasped their hands and saw a few uneven cuts over the palm of Sam’s hand. Looking at his own hand he saw little specks of Sam’s blood on his palm. His eyes trailed up to Sam’s wrist and his arms and he saw that there were bright red jagged cuts over his arms and a few on his legs.

”What happened to you?” Danny gasped. Sam’s skin looking ruined like that left him in disbelief. It was usually super smooth and flawless, now it was covered in red scratches. ”Oh. Well. I wanted to get you this Aloe Vera plant, for helping your hands heal. It is an indoor-grown plant, I stole it from my neighbors because they are on vacation skiing or something. But there is this fence in front of their house, and well to get the plant I had to climb through a barbed-wire fence.” Sam explained putting his arms out exposing all the scratches and cuts from the fence. ”Why did you do that?? You could have gotten me this bottled at the store!” ”That stuff in the store is fake Danny. Fresh Aloe vera is better, it's hard to find in the winter so I took the opportunity to steal it for you. Like I said I uh, thought the gel from the plant would help the swelling and the redness in your hands. I extracted the gel and put it in this.” Sam said pulling out a small mason jar from the plastic bag that he brought. Danny and no words. Sam went through all that pain and discomfort just to get him this plant.

”These cuts could get infected. You seriously hurt yourself Sam. You didn’t have to do this. Don’t ever do something like this for me ever again.” Danny said placing his hands on Sam's shoulders. ”It’s only little scratches. I swear I’m okay. Are you seriously mad at me?” Sam asked. Danny was a little bit mad at Sam because he hurt himself. At the same time, his heart felt overwhelmed with warmth and his mind was consumed with admiration for Sam. ”I'm just mad that you got hurt.” Danny said. ”I’m alright, I didn’t mean to get hurt but I sorta stumbled across the fence. It only hurts a little bit, but I will be okay. I’m not a baby.” Sam said. Danny looked at Sam’s arms again and his stomach felt uneasy. Then he stood up and walked to his bathroom without saying a word. There he gathered rubbing alcohol, cotton balls, band-aids, and a warm face towel. Once Danny finished assembling his first aid kit, he walked over to Sam and sat his supplies down next to him.

”Oh fuck that.” Sam said backing away from Danny. ”What?” Danny asked. ”That rubbing alcohol is gonna fucking burn! These cuts are fresh.” Sam gasped. ”We have to clean it. Come on! Now you are acting like a baby. Please?” Danny tried to tease but his serious pleading tone overpowered his attempt to tease. ”Really? Ugh. This sucks. You suck.” Sam complained and hesitated before he moved closer to Danny’s side. ”How about next time don’t go around stealing random shit for me that I don’t need.” Danny said pressing the alcohol-soaked cotton to Sam’s skin. ”AHH- IT - It wasn’t random! And you do need it! Stop, ouch! It hurts Danny, it feels painful and not in a good way.” Sam said pulling his arm away. ”Not in a good way? When does pain ever feel good?” Danny questioned while continuing to clean Sam’s wounds. ”Well uh, during sex it can feel good sometimes. Not like serious physical pain. More like when a guy slaps your ass hard or pulls your hair. It hurts a little bit at first but in the end it's fucking amazing.” Sam said maintaining his eye contact with Danny. Danny could not believe where this conversation was going. He had never talked about his sexual encounters with other guys before. Maybe he thought Danny wouldn't want to hear about it, but the reality was that Danny was incredibly fascinated and it was starting to turn him on.

”Okay. I see. When did you find out what you're into sexually? With guys?” Danny asked looking away from Sam while continuing to clean his wounds. ”After my first time I guess, it could have really gone bad. But it didn't, he really wanted to explore with me and make sure I found out what I liked before we moved forward. Kinda like what I'm doing with you. I’m getting with you because I don't want you to get with some random guy who doesn't give a shit about what you want in bed.” Sam said. Danny immediately stopped touching Sam’s arm and locked eyes with him once again. ”I am not having sex with you.” Danny whispered loudly. He really wanted to shout, but before he did that he remembered that his parents would hear. ”You said you wanted to ”explore” Danny. That word suggests that you were thinking of having sex eventually.” Sam shrugged. ”No. No! It means like kissing, touching, and maybe like a handjob but that's as far as I'm willing to go.” Danny said. 

He couldn't believe how far Sam was willing to go with him. Sam had just completely thrown Danny’s original intentions of exploring out the window and opened up a new rooftop of possibilities.

”Wow. So by the end of all this, ”maybe a handjob” is gonna be our grand finale? How epic.” Sam said. He held back a laugh and laid his head down on Danny’s pillow. ”Don’t lay down. I’m not done.” Danny said pressing the warm washcloth over Sam’s sensitive skin. ”It’s good enough. I'm good. Now your turn. I didn’t steal this for nothing.” Sam said reaching for the aloe vera again and breaking it open. He scooped up the gel on his fingers and smoothed it over Danny’s blistered hands. Sam’s touches were very gentle. He effortlessly glided his hands over Danny’s with the soothing gel. Taking his time moving from the back of his hand to the palm of his hands. Danny's breathing quickly became irregular. He became noticeably flustered and almost went into fight or flight mode, but he stayed put underneath Sam's touch.. Once this feeling became too much to handle, Danny quickly looked at Sam’s arms interrupted with, ”I think you need this aloe vera more than I do now.” He turned away from Sam and grabbed the little jar sitting next to them. Danny dipped his free hand in the aloe vera and smoothed it over Sam’s arm. ”That feels nice.” Sam smiled, letting go of Danny’s other hand. ”Can you put some right here?” He asked pointing to the huge scratch on his thigh. Danny had not touched there yet, because it was near his inner thigh and he didn't want to get too close. Now Sam was taking the initiative and asking Danny to touch him there. ”Sure.” Danny breathed out heavily and placed his hand on the top of Sam’s leg. Then he slowly moved his hand between his legs and gently massaged the area. Danny felt the bed move underneath him and noticed that one of Sam’s fists curled up and started to grip the bedding underneath them. ”Are you? Are you getting turned on or something?” Danny asked lifting his hand off of Sam’s thigh. ”Yeah. Sort of. It's a sensitive area. Look see, isn't it?” Sam asked moving his hand to Danny’s inner thigh. "Oh!" Danny let out a sharp gasp, but he didn't move away from Sam's hand and continued to let him touch him there. At first, he started with rubbing small circles lightly, then he slowly began to add more pressure. The bulge in Danny's pants started to grow larger and he started leaning into Sam's fingertips that were pressing into his skin. Sam reached out his hand and slightly hesitated before placing his fingers on top of Danny's bulge. "Well, now we are both getting turned on."

Sam’s voice oozed with confidence, but his complexion started to turn a light pink shade of pink once he started feeling and outlining Danny’s clothed dick with his fingers. Danny felt frozen in place like a statue. He really didn't know what to do except sit back and feel the pressure of Sam’s hand rubbing over his fully clothed hardening dick. Danny took deep breaths and tried to hold himself back from becoming more aroused than he already was. ”Does this feel good Danny?” Sam asked moving his hand faster. ”Yeah, Yes! It hurts a little though because I'm wearing jeans.” Danny sighed looking down at his pants. He looked back up at Sam, and they stared at each other for a few extra seconds. Then Sam moved closer to Danny and quickly stuck his hand inside his jeans and cupped Danny’s dick over the thin underwear he was wearing. ”Oh my goodness.” Danny exhaled and turned his head the side. He knew that he should have stopped Sam in his tracks, but it felt too good for Danny to say no at that moment. Danny gently moved his body upward, wanting more of Sam’s touch. It was not long before he felt himself relaxing into Sam’s hand, and no more worries were coming between them. He was only aware of Sam’s hand and the feeling of himself getting harder by the second.

”Your hand. Feels. Really. Good.” Danny sighed. Sam felt accomplished because he didn't even touch his dick with his bare hand yet, and he was getting this kind of reaction out of Danny. ”I can make it feel better than that.” Sam moved on top of Danny and started rubbing his hard on against Danny’s thigh. Sam lifted his head and crawled closer to Danny’s face using his elbows. Then he leaned down and kissed his lips.

Danny responded with a kiss and slow upward movements, his hips moved in steady motion pressing his aching bulge into Sam’s lower body. ”Oh my god. I'm so hard.” Danny gasped gripping the sides of Sam’s ribcage. ”Fuck. Me too Danny.” Sam said rocking himself back and forth against Danny. Once Sam increased the intensity of the rocking motions, 

Danny wrapped his arms around his shoulders pulled Sam into a tight embrace. After that, he heard Sam’s breathing in his ear and felt both of their hearts rapidly beating against his chest. ”Keep going Danny.” Sam sighed and started moving his hands up underneath Danny’s back and pressed his fingertips into his shoulders. Danny groaned and started to firmly grind up against Sam’s crotch. "Oh, holy shit." Sam moaned quietly and then gave Danny a lustful look before staring down at his lips. Danny noticed the look in his eyes and prepared himself to be attacked and kissed everywhere. Sam paused, then leaned down and softly kissed his cheek instead. He barely used any pressure and it was the most gentle kiss he had ever received from him. This pause and the little kiss on the cheek snapped Danny back into his usual fear-driven thinking mode. Right as he was going to tell Sam to stop, he felt fingertips gripping the waistband of his underwear.

The initial feeling of Sam’s knuckles against his stomach sent a wave of shock to Danny’s brain. He flinched and smacked Sam’s had away automatically.

”What’s wrong? Are you okay?” Sam asked sitting up on the bed, moving away from his previous position of straddling Danny. ”I’m uh. I’m gonna need you to leave okay?” Danny said looking away from Sam's gaze. ”What? Why?” Sam asked back moving towards Danny so he could find his hand and hold it. He squeezed Danny’s hand tightly and rubbed his hand with his thumb. ”This is. It’s a lot. It's too much for me, Sam I need you to go now.” Danny said avoiding Sam’s intense eye contact and trying to ignore this strong grasp on his hand. ”I really don't want to leave you alone. Can I just be here for you?” Sam asked gripping Danny's hand a little bit tighter. ”No you can't. And stop doing that! I don't want to hold your hand right now.” Danny said taking his hand away from Sam and drawing his arms back to his sides. ”Oh. Okay. I’m sorry Danny. I’ll go but, I want to know what I did wrong. So you know, I don't do it again next time.” Sam said quietly. ”I really don't want to talk to you right now. Can you just go? Please.” Danny said in a hushed voice, lifting his head and looking up into Sam’s shiny disappointed eyes. ”If you could just tell me what I did wrong, then we could-” Sam started to speak, but Danny's voice’s cut him off. ”Please get out Sam.” Danny whispered loudly. ”Okay I will. I will. I’m sorry Danny.” Sam said slowly moving off of the bed. Sam looked so sad and hurt, it made Danny think about taking back everything he just said. He didn't say anything though, Danny watched Sam slowly climb back out of his window and give him one last glance before he disappeared away from Danny’s sight.

Danny watched Sam walked away from his house and made his way down the street. Danny felt dizzy and disoriented, he stumbled back over to his bed and threw his body on the mattress. He could feel his heart beating in his ear, and he felt like his lungs had no access to any air. The dry humping and the kiss on the cheek lead Danny into an epiphany, and now he was spiraling alone with himself in the stillness and silence of his bedroom. The epiphany being his interaction with Sam today, it was proof that he liked guys. He did not need to explore any further, Danny just knew at that moment that he liked guys and there was no going back from that. He suddenly felt stupid and ignorant. Mad at himself for not realizing his sexuality sooner, for repressing so many feelings, and for lying to himself so many times throughout his life. He was also mad at himself for telling Sam to leave and not stopping him from going. Danny’s mind raced the entire night and he started to question and wonder who he really was on the inside. The only thing Danny was sure of was that Sam made him feel a certain type of way and uncovered parts of himself that he never knew existed. Danny allowed himself to float into an abyss of uncertainty for the rest of the evening.

-

END OF CHAPTER THREE - Do not worry everyone there is more action ahead, Sam and Danny are meant to be together in the end, but they will struggle along the way. I will be putting more work into the fic, and I have the rest of the chapters planned out in my head sooo enjoy the ride.Chapter 4 WILL COME SOONER than later.

Tagging: @imacrowcawcaw @therealswanqueen @tymeconsuming @satans-helper @dramaticjupiter @rupauls-slagrace

[buckyshenley16]

The Tales Of The Winter Soldeir and Winter Witch

Book1, Chapter 1

3 Years before Bucky was drafted

February 5th, 1940

Ramona’s POV

Putting my stacks of paperwork on my desk ready for tomorrow as my work day comes to an end, I find myself sighing in relief after a long day of again getting nowhere with the ‘Jeweler Case.’ It seems to be a never-ending case as this is our second week trying to solve the jewelry store robbery and who did what and when, why, and so on.

“Lover boy is on the phone Ramona.” Peggy gloats with a smug grin on her face purposely making sure the speaker was not covered.

“Like I’ve told you almost a hundred times Carter, he is not my lover boy.” I exclaim emphasizing the word ‘not’ with an eye roll and taking the phone off her. “Why hello Buck, what would you be calling to ask the 3rd time today?” I ask with a slight chuckle whilst throwing a rubber at Peggy who is winking at me.

“Just checking before I leave to walk you home doll, did you bring a jacket today? It’s freezing outside and I can see your jacket still hung up, would hate for ya to catch a cold especially when you live with someone with an immune system like Steve.” Bucky says, his Brooklyn drawl being clearer than ever.

“You know, I do have more than one coat Buck?” I ask. “Just checking Mona, I didn’t walk you today so I didn’t see what you left in. Just seen what you woke up in or should I say what you didn’t wake up in.” Bucky asks with a hint of flirting and a hint of cockiness in his voice.

���Yes, and if you carry on with your Mr, big ego act that’ll be the last time you see that, Barnes.” I retort.

“Okay we both know that’s not the truth. Anyway, I’m bouta leave doll, will be there in half an hour, will wait in the usual spot.”

“Not true but okay, see you soon Buck” I say trying not to drop the phone from between my ear and shoulder whilst locking my cabinets. “See you soon, darlin'.” Bucky finishes before putting the phone down.

Bucky and I had known each other since being 6 and 9 being introduced by our friend Steve. Steve had been like a big brother growing up, Sarah being nothing but welcoming to my family when we fled to Brooklyn from Russia. Sarah and my mother would both take turns between childcare; me, my three younger sisters and brother being at the Rogers’ every Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday and half the day Sunday whilst mother would go to work at the laundry where Sarah also worked.

And obviously Steve would be at our house every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Every Sunday we would have dinner at the Rogers’ with our mother. Our father stayed in Russia with mother wanting to flee a situation I wasn’t told about until I was old enough to understand. Father was abusive and an alcoholic and had a job mother didn’t agree with, but we were never told what that job entailed and whilst I found myself wondering every so often, curiosity never killed the cat and I was enormously proud of that.

Bucky, Steve, and I were best friends growing up with Bucky and Steve being stupidly overprotective of me even when I became a fully trained agent and officially full time at SSR. My mother never 100% agreed with my job and whilst Bucky and Steve questioned it at first for my safety, but once they realised I could handle myself (after witnessing me defend myself against a couple of not so nice men who got a bit too close for my comfort) they were 100% supportive of my job, especially Bucky with one less person to save from the allies and one more person to help when Steve found himself on the not so nice ends of the alleys face first into the trash cans.

It was around 18 years old I'd started developing feelings for Bucky, not that I’d never admit it to him, I was far too proud and full of denial for that because he would never go for a girl like myself; at least that’s what I thought until I found myself intertwined in his sheets with his body wrapped around mine after one passionate, unexpected night a year later.

This went from happening every few weeks, to every two weeks, to maybe once a week to every few nights and I’m still in denial that he would ever want to make things official.

I question whether I want to become his girl, especially with my line of work and seeing my parent’s relationship be the bane of their lives when I was younger. All I’ve ever seen is relationships fail and that is why I refuse to put myself through the pain of one. I care about Bucky, he’s the one person who no matter how rotten the day be I’m guaranteed to have a smile on my face when I see him.

When Sarah died both mine and Bucky's families became close ensuring two big family units to support Steve and even a year and a half after she passed; me, Bucky and Steve got a shared apartment together. Sure, it was no five stars, but it was home and as long as the three of us had each other that was all that mattered. Steve was aware of mine and Bucky's “situation” but chose not to get involved.

Stuck in my own little world I'd not realised half an hour had passed and Bucky would be waiting for me so after grabbing my coat and bag I made sure to say bye to Peggy and arrange coffee and breakfast before work tomorrow morning where we could discuss some of the cases privately, seen as though we knew we were massively undermined at SSR we got a lot of thinking and solving done mostly when we were alone together where no male could underestimate or interrupt us.

Walking down out of the doors I spotted Bucky with a glowing grin on his face, it took everything to keep my footing steady. “Hello, beautiful. How would you feel about hot chocolate and dinner on me at our spot?” Bucky asked holding his arm out to me which I gladly took.

“Gee buck, almost sounds like you’re asking me on a date!” I tease earning a nudge to my side causing a fit of laughter.

“One day doll, I’ve already asked several times but one day I will get a yes out of ya.” Bucky retorted.

“I’ll hold you to that Buck, how was your day?” I asked clinging to his arm.

“The usual, woke up to a fine dame next to me, crappy coffee, got to work. Left work, pulled Steve out of an ally, nagged Steve how he’s not ten men and should think before he acts, walked the little punk back to the apartment, read the paper and now I'm here to pick up you. How bout you doll?” Bucky explains with a hint of sarcasm.

“Same old, really strugglin’ with this case I just can’t seem to understand how a whole jewelry store could be robbed without even a fingerprint left behind nor how someone could even get a hold of that damn gas. How many men was it today? Did you or Steve get hurt?” you ask with a sigh giving Bucky's arm a reassuring squeeze.

“Hey Mona, don’t worry too much about it, we both know you’ll get to the bottom of it like always and I’m sure whoever’s guilty will regret it when they have to face the bottom of your shoe. Two guys, managed to reason with them after giving one a right hook.” he winked.

“Oh, I know I will, thanks Buck I can always rely on you for some good old confidence boosting. I give up telling the jackass he’s gotta stop this, I may as well be talking to a brick wall!” I finish with a chuckle. As we walk into the bright, retro diner Bucky holds the door open for me before guiding us both to a booth. As we take our coats off a waitress comes to us.

“Well would ya look who it is, only our two favorites! Where’s Rogers tonight?” Our waitress Nancy asks.

“Probably at home bathing his black eye, sulking about his fight whilst planning his next one.” I exclaim earning a laugh from both Bucky and Nancy.

“I don’t even gotta ask, usual for you two?” Nancy asks pointing between us both with her pen.

“Of course!” Bucky says with a grin

“That’s two hot chocolates and a portion of fries coming up!” Nancy exclaims.

“Thanks, Nance!” we both call.

Me, Bucky and Steve have been coming to this diner since we were in school. Their hot chocolates were practically the glue to our friendships. As I looked up from my hands, I spotted Bucky looking at me with a smile on his face. “What’s got you all smiley?” I ask with a grin.

“Just you!” Bucky exclaims grin turning wider.

“Are you purposely trying to make me blush?” I ask with a chuckle feeling warmth go to my face praying my blusher somewhat cancels the blushing.

“Always doll, I just like to make ya blush and to know I’ve still got it.” Bucky explains with a cocky smirk. Damn you and your godly smile Barnes!

“Glad my embarrassment gives you an even bigger ego boost Buck!” I laugh before our food and drinks get set down and we start tucking in.

*An hour later, on the way home from diner*

“Thank you for that Buck, it was fun. Was nice to be sat anywhere but that office.” I explain.

“S’alright doll, anything to put a smile on your face. I wanted to actually talk to you. This, us been goin' on a little while too long now.” Bucky stopped walking and turned me to face him taking both my hands in his.

“Are you saying what I think you’re saying?” I ask feeling my heart rip into two.

“Yeah, doll.” he grins.

“Oh okay, no I totally get it Buck we’re kinda not going anywhere and I’m really not ready to put myself into a relationship right now and you wanna move on or you’ve already found a girl. I get it, no hard feelings.” I say holding back the tears.

“Woah doll, no no! You’re completely taking it the wrong way. Mona, I like you, scratch that I’m crazy bout you. I understand you don’t wanna take this further just yet, but I can wait,” he says cupping my face in his hands looking into my eyes.

“Buck, I appreciate that so much but there’s so many better girls throwing themselves at you and you’re going to waste them just to wait for me? I could make you wait years and I wouldn’t want that.” I explain placing my hands over his.

“I don’t want them other girls, I want you. You’re the most beautiful, loyal, caring, and bad ass girl I’ve ever met. I will wait as long as you want me to if it means I can have you. Just please tell me you feel the same.” he begs his eyes searching my face for any sign of feeling the same.

“I do Buck, I have for a while.” I admit a small smile making its way to my lips. Bucky gently strokes his thumb across my bottom lip before pulling me in for a sweet, loving kiss. It was suddenly like it was just the pair of us that existed, nobody mattering in that moment but us two. Bucky pulled away keeping his hands on my face, placing his forehead against mine. “I got you, doll” he says before pulling me into his chest resting his chin on my head, wrapping his arms around my shoulders tightly; sighing contently.

“I got you too, Buck.” I reply wrapping my arms around his waist and smiling contently to myself.

“Let’s get home to the punk before he can’t help but lead himself to another alley huh.” Bucky says whilst linking our arms together and directing us both out of the park.

“We should probably check the alleys on our way back Buck.” I suggest

“Glad we're on the same page doll.” Bucky chuckles.

So, It’s the first of many chapters🤩 I’m so so excited!! Just wanted to give a shout out to @i-write-bucky and @jbarness for proof reading this for me!! Angels🤩❤️

[bambigoose]

Big Boyfriend Part 2- Tyson Jost

An: Wow it was amazing the response I got to the first part to this. I loved hearing from everybody. Here’s part two as requested :) 

Tyson followed his nose from the apartment door all the way to the kitchen, the rich aroma of fresh made cupcakes fumigating the room. After six months of dating he was familiar with this song and dance, Sarah was a stress baker and with a major test coming up in the next few days the rink she worked at, his team, and himself have been able to gorge themselves on new creations.  The baking supplies were a new addition to his kitchen, Sarah hated cooking in her dorm room the roommates have “greedy” fingers she says. Gabe, EJ, and Nate had purchased a Kitchenmaid stand mixer in the hopes the treats would keep coming and evolving, currently it was filled with freshly made frosting. Tyson didn’t mind, it was nice to have someone around the apartment. They’d worked out a system, claimed their areas of the couch for gaming and studying purposes and zoned each other out most of the time. Every once and a while he’d hear a giggle escape when he’d be chirping the boys over the Xbox, or she’d read out an odd fact she was struggling to remember. Nate says he’ll get smarter by osmosis.

Attempting to stretch his head into the hallway and check where Sarah was located he quickly swiped his finger into the frosting seeing the bathroom door still closed. Ducking back out into the main living area he called out a hello. Smiling as he heard Sarah shuffle quicker to fly out of the bathroom. She skids across the hardwood in her fuzzy socks before he caught her right at the stairs, a move they perfected over time. “Hi babe.” She smiled, kissing him as he lifted her to the floor below the three steps. Landing on her tiptoes, he pulled her closer when she attempted to pull away deepening the kiss. Smiling as they separated she flicked him on the nose. “You stole some of the frosting for my little boyfriend’s birthday cupcakes you brat.”

Tyson began to attempt a denial before she cut him off laughter in her voice, “Don’t you lie to me Tyson Jost I can taste it! And I’m sure if I take a look in that bowl a swipe the size of your finger is missing.”

He grabbed the finger she jokingly was wagging at him while shaking her head, “I see how it is the little boyfriend gets the cupcakes and I don’t get anything.”

“Well it is his birthday. It’s just a “Tyson Tuesday” for you. That happens every week, getting kind of old now don’t you think.” She joked squealing as Tyson pinched her sides, tossing her onto the couch before continuing his assault.

----

Two days later Tyson was sitting at his breakfast nook staring at the fridge. Well more specifically staring at a picture on the fridge his girlfriend had hung up to taunt him. Well she wasn’t taunting him, she’s not that cruel but the boys certainly were.  Mattie’s mother took a picture of the two after Sarah made him cupcakes for his birthday. It was a nice picture, even if the little pain was trying to make the moves on Tyson’s girlfriend. Mattie smashed a cupcake on Sarah’s face and he retaliated with one dropped on his head, the picture was taken at the perfect moment that both of them were laughing. When Sarah had been gifted the printed photo she begged him to let her pit it on the fridge, worried she’d lose it or her roommates would wreck it on theirs’s. Tyson of course said yes, but he forgot she’d be clocking extra hours at the lab this week and any time to get a frame was eaten up by school work. The boys ribbed him endlessly over it.

Hearing shuffling from down the hall he slide over the already poured orange juice and kicked out he chair next to him. Arms wrapped around his back and a kiss was laid on the side of his head, “Morning hun. Snow clear up?”

Tyson reached behind him, pulling Sarah over and into his side and kissing her forehead.  “Just stopped about five minutes ago, Mike texted he’s closing the rink today. Morning skate was cancelled too.” A snow storm had hit Denver last night, dropping mounds of snow too quickly for the plows to keep up. After dinner they finished dinner in the apartment last night Tyson convinced Sarah it be better to wait out the storm with him and head into class in the morning instead of returning to her dorm. It proved to be the right call about an hour later when her Friday classes were cancelled due to school closure and now she could stay bundled up with him all weekend.  A sneaky attempt to try and weasel more time with his girlfriend before his upcoming road trip this week.

“A whole day to ourselves with nowhere to go, what ever shall we do?” Sarah joked plopping down into the chair next to him while pulling her unbrushed hair up into a messy bun. “My other boyfriend will be devastated.” She said taking a gulp of her orange juice.  

“Well, he’ll just have to get over it. It’s my turn for some attention.” He laughed pulling her from her sit and into his lap for a kiss.

Sarah sighed and buried her head into his neck , “Stay warm and cuddly and I’ll give you all the attention you want.” She giggled as the laugh Tyson let out shook her entire body. He lifted her up before they collapsed onto the couch pulling a blanket over them both and setting up Netflix.

....

Tyson laughed watching Sarah buzz around the room entertaining all of his teammates and their mutual friends. Gabe Mel and Tyson had successfully pulled off a surprise part for her upon her graduation. Renting out a hall up in the mountains she fell in love with attending a conference earlier this year. EJ and Nate were humoring her as she told him all about her new job for what was likely the fifth time but her excitement was contagious. “MISS SARAH!” was screamed from the entrance causing her to freeze her hand mid-sentence.

Mattie rushed across the floor, a little package in his hand, dodging bodies left and right. Tyson walked over to greet his mother along with Mike and his wife that had just arrived from the rink. Together they approached the foursome while Sarah was squatting down to Mattie’s level opening the little gift.

“Invited the other man I see.” EJ chirped when they arrived. Tyson flipped him off while Mattie was still distracted telling Sarah what had made him choose this gift. She flipped open the little box inside to reveal small dangling earrings of crossed sticks with a puck in the middle.

“These are adorable! Best little boyfriend ever!” She exclaimed picking Mattie up and swinging him around.

Nate leaned closer to Tyson, “Dude you’re in a competition with a five year old and he’s winning.” Tyson punched him in the arm to laughs from the group. Looking across the room, Gabe nodded at him that his plan was complete. Has Mattie and the others headed towards the food, he gently guided Sarah outside to the balcony. He paused as they were outside, beginning to sweat in nerves, he took of his jacket and wrapped it around her shoulders in the cool air.

Sarah gasped in the fair lights that surrounded the balcony, Tyson paused a moment to remember her in the cute wrap black dress that made him itch to see it on the floor, heels that made her legs appear a mile long, and hair up in a fancy braid Mel had done in anticipation of what was meant to be girls night. He was struck by how much he loved her and was fully confident in his next move, grabbing her and and dropping to one knee. “Babe..” she started eyes wide.

“I love you. I love you when you stress and bake so much that the team collectively gains ten pounds each. I love you when you stick your icicles you call feet against me in the morning, when you’re so mad at me you can’t even talk, and when you’re too tired to function straight. I love how passionate you are about your future and every little thing you do. I don’t deserve it, but will you marry me?”

Tyson didn’t even have time to brace himself before Sarah slammed into him harder then he’d ever been checked before. Grabbing his face and exclaiming yes before kissing him. Cheers erupted through the balcony doors.The couple laughed to each other before kissing again as Tyson slimmed the engagement ring onto her finger. Pulling her into another hug he whispered into her ear, “The other guys gonna have to go.”

Through her giggles Sarah replied, “He’s young, he’ll rebound.” Before connecting her and Tyson’s lips again to whistles and catcalls of an overly energetic Avalanche team.

[borisbubbles]

32. AUSTRALIA

Montaigne - “Don’t break me”

🤡 KLOUN  🤡 🤡 KLOUN  🤡 🤡 I MOU KLOUN  🤡 

HA HA HA HA -- Afrodyti Fryda -- Jessica Charro 

Normally I wouldn’t be ranking Montaigne this low, actually :o I do feel like there is *some* potential to be had from her entry and it could’ve been reached greatness in Rotterdam, but since ESC has been cancelled, we’re going to see none of it. So, all I have to go by is the live AD version I just posted, which... I lowkey dislike? Let’s dissect this sucker. 

Song Analysis

Every once in a while, we get that sort of avant garde-esque entry where I’m like “Okay, I get what you’re doing and I like the idea but the execution, babe. It just ain’t there.” I think “Don’t break me” might be the new textbook example of that archetype? I know some media love portraying “Don’t break me” as... what was the Wiwi headline again?

The problem is, it don’t add up.

Like, what exactly is alternative about this entry? Not the music, despite the statements claiming otherwise. Montaigne wrote this song together with established “indie” songwriters DNA, hits of other ’indie’ miracles “Don’t come easy”, “Tonight again” and “#WeGotLove”. “Don’t break me” is equally indie, that is to say, not indie at all and blatantly mainstream. Ain’t nothing wrong with that, (DBM is hands down the best song DNA have produced for ESC) but don’t sling LIES at me. 

Secondly, the staging, we need to address the staging, hunties cuz boy it ain’t holdin’ up. (lol I’m merely channelling Wiwi Adams because that’s what the spirits whisper to me - that is to say, pink gin & tonic). There are some *conceptual* strong points to me, clearly spliced in to fabricate some perception of free artistry, but the execution of it is lacking. In lay man’s terms: IT’S SO FUCKING INCOMPETENT OMG I should stan... but don’t because, well.

Et tu quoque, Sennek?

Montaigne herself said she styled her marionette-frock after mr Mime (Mimes aren’t marionettes? Am I missing something?), but it’s Not Very Effective when your style is more inline with Grundel Toad. YES, One Shot Camera Angle, yes super artsy and creative were it not for the fact that Trijnwreck Oosterhuis already pioneered this and it came off similarly feeble. 

I however am not *that* offended by “Don’t break me” or its act as many others appear to be though. Again, the song is decent and it’s mostly brought down by a lack of performing experience on Montaigne’s behalf. While not good, it’s salvageable at the very least. 

However, I’m more annoyed that this (decent) mainstream song is being sold as innovative and mold-breaking, neither of which it actually is. This is the root of the problem imo. The utter denial of "Don’t break me’s” own mainstreamness and the desperation to prove the opposite. 

And honestly, this even applies to Montaigne herself? Her appearance, creative decision making and hell, even her own social media posts read a bit too much “How To Be Different For Dummies.” to really make it believable. ”I AM ALTERNATIVE. HERE’S MY PORTFOLIO OF UNCONVENTIONAL HAIR COLOURS AND UNIBROW STYLES TO PROVE MY POINT SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO TALK TO ME. WANNA SEE MY ARMPIT HAIR? I JHERI-CURLED IT YESTERDAY.” Her brand of off-beatness feels shallow and uninspired because it is. She  being conformist with regards to her own nonconformity and that makes her a bigger slave to societal norm than you and I. 

NF Corner

Lol this was not a great Aus Decides. Sadly the standard wasn’t nearly as high as it had been last year. I cheered *FOR* Montaigne at the time, that’s how bad it was. There were several *atrocious, easily last in this ranking had they won”-entries she needed to slay (DIE JACK! DIE MITCH! DIE CASEY!) and she did. A pity my interest very quickly evaporated, but oh well, such is life. Fortunately there were a few... decent-ish entries that I’d like to share. Don’t hold you breath, though - this selection had no Electric Fieldses.

Vanessa Amorosi - “Lessons of Love”

“Lessons of love” almost completely passed me in studio -  I liked it mostly because “Absolutely everybody” was a BOP and I was edging for a good performance, which... Vanessa delivered honestly. CRAWLING OUT OF A CAR CRASH <3 The one-woman vocal bidding war she engages in once the first chorus hits. The rainy drizzle <3  The song’s merely adequate but Vanessa’s affect and the staging are enough for me. A ballad that in fact isn’t boring and provides a host of tiny little gems I can cling onto for three minutes, what a treat!

Now I’m mentioning ballads, (um, this is about Aus Decides 2020; of course ballads are being mentioned), this one was pretty good too. 

Didirri - “Raw Stuff”

“Raw stuff”, like Vanessa’s song, completely passed me by in studio version (except, I didn’t even bother simulating appreciation here - disheveled, homely men aren’t my thing, cf.: Salvador). “Oh a stripped down power ballad with personal meaning” well am I ever not interested?

And then the live disarmed me, lol. I have NO idea why but it just clicked for me. iDidirri managed to give it certain sincerity, a certain pathos that I could empathize with and the staging (which was highkey good - Non-boring piano ballads! The Concept!) provided me with enough sustenance. I also firmly believe that had “Raw stuff” made it to an actual ESC stage, it could’ve won the whole thing - it has that Salvadorian quality, minus the pretence. Alex Callier quaking in his boots rn. 

But anyway, the ONE song everybody and their dog loved was of course also a fave of mine. It is, of course,

Jaguar Jonze - “Rabbit hole”

CHASE ME IN TO DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE

From pretty much second one Jaguar IMMEDIATELY unleashed her inner psychotic weirdo self, flailed her body around on designer furniture (dislocating her shoulder!!! what a trooper), LITERALLY tore down the walls around her and snagged every wig in the audience. SHE’S A JAGUAR, A MARE, A GAZZELLE

*THIS* how you indie. Not Mundaigne’s safer-than-seclusion puppetfest. You inject genuine personality quirks into your song and performance, don’t give *a single* fuck about what other people think. And like any good indie song, you aren’t rewarded for your nonconformist attitude by “professional” juries. 😁

and now she has coronavirus! STAY STRONG GIRL :( (lol she streamed a jam sessions a few days back, I’m fairly certain she well) WLU!

Australia 2020 & Australia 2021

“Don’t break me” is one of those entries where qualification *entirely* depends on how good or bad the live was. Usually you can tell whether X will (not) qualify UNLESS their live is much worse than expected (or better if they’re a projected NQ). This does not apply to Montaigne; The “Don’t break me” we saw at Aus Decides definitely *would* have NQ’d, but who knows about the modified, improved version. It could’ve Katherine’d itself, it could’ve Sennek’d itself, it could’ve KMH’d itself. Who the f knows and I ain’t gonna spec on it. What I do know is that the subpar singing and dancing would not be present in the final product because, you know, rehearsals. The real hurdle for “Don’t break me” was something different: namely Montaigne herself and her compulsion to break the mold by not breaking it at all. All the decisions w/r/t the staging and styling can be traced down to her and these decisions suck because they are being made for the wrong reasons. Like, you don’t *NEED* tryhard symbolism when your (actually pretty goodish) song already possesses good and transparent lyrics. It’s okay to be MAINSTREAM, Montaigne, it is OKAY to be Mundaigne. Don’t let your ego get in your way. LOVE YOURSELF, sweet Jessica and BE YOU!!! For all our sakes...

  FREAKY! FRIDAY! FACTOR!

Australia deserves a few senheads, I think. Not many because, yep, a whole NF with self-composed songs and they STILL went for the ballad that had a DNA co-writing credit. SIGH. However, I do believe the *funk* of Montaigne’s ordinary uniqueness, and how it bled into mainstream indie song, is kind of a Freaky! thing (it’s similar to how Alanis Morissette’s “Ironic”, a song about irony, contains zero examples of actual irony - which ironically enough makes it one of the most ironic songs ever penned), if a severely diluted one. Oh well, beggars cannot be choosers, I guess. 

Score: 1 Senhits out of 5.

[sluttyten]

baby.

summary: It begins as a mistake when Mark overhears you and Johnny having sex. 

words: 8,578

pairing: Johnny x Reader, Mark x Reader

main tags: threesome, dom johnny, baby boy mark, voyeurism, edging, orgasm denial

It began as a mistake.

Johnny had been led to believe that when Taeyong told him “Everyone’s going home for the holidays to spend it with their families” that meant that everyone was going home. Johnny had told Yuta goodbye as he walked out of the dorm to catch his flight home to Japan, he asked Taeyong to bring back that one food he couldn’t remember the name of that his mom made so well, and he fell asleep through the rest of the members departing.

“Don’t you wish you were heading home too?” You ask him later when you’re out at dinner. “To spend the holidays with your family?”

Johnny shrugs and doesn’t really look you in the eye as he says, “I’ll see them the next time we go to LA or New York. And my mom was saying something about visiting soon, but tickets are always more expensive over the holidays.”

So because he has the dorm to himself and because it’s the holidays (“No one should be alone on the holidays, Johnny.”), you agree to spend the night with him.

He’s already got you all worked up by the time you get to the door. You’re feeling hot and wet and the shape of his lips is already burning on your throat. Johnny whispers what he’s going to do to you as he pushes the door open and you step inside together, your limbs tangled as you twist in his arms to kiss him and laugh.

But then you feel him freeze.

“I thought you went home?” He says.

You pull your mouth from his throat and spin around, detaching yourself from him.

Mark’s in clear view of the door, wide-eyed and trying not to stare too much at the wrinkled state of your clothes (Johnny was a bit handsy on the walk from the car).

“My flight was cancelled and they were going to charge me more to get a different flight to be there in time.” Mark rubs his hands down over his thighs and then does a kind of twitchy half-bow in your direction. “Hello.”

You’ve met Mark before a few times, always in a casual manner, never as Johnny’s girlfriend. But now there’s no denying that you’re not just a friend of Johnny’s. That seems to have flustered Mark as he blushes a bit and finally turns away.

Johnny hovers for a moment, glancing between you and Mark with a look similar to concern on his face. It’s a look you don’t totally understand until five minutes later.

Five minutes later you’re sitting half-naked on Johnny’s bed, watching him pace around the room, and listening to him say, “We can’t have sex when he’s here can we? That would be rude. And weird probably, right?”

“Don’t tell me you did all that and now you’re not going to fuck me?” You pout, folding your arms in front of you. “Johnny, please. I need you. I’m so wet and horny, I’m throbbing.”

You spread your legs a bit, and there’s a hesitation in Johnny’s pacing back and forth. He glances at you, his gaze falls down between your legs, and then at his door. You can hear the sound of the TV out in the living room as Mark watches a movie or a drama probably.

“Please, Johnny.” You whine, and this time you let one of your bra straps slip off your shoulder. A smile tugs at your lips when you notice the way Johnny’s eyes follow it. “I’ll be a good girl. I’ll be quiet.”

Johnny sighs and smiles, tugs his shirt over his head, steps out of his pants almost without stumbling, and then he’s crawling over you, pushing you back on the bed.

“We both know that’s a lie. You’ve never been quiet.” And then he kisses you.

Sex with Johnny is always good. He knows just where to touch you, how rough to be or how gentle, he knows what to say, when to keep touching and when to stop without you ever having to say a word. He knows to be lighthearted or to be passionate or to be rough. 

Tonight he makes you laugh with his lips against the underside of you jaw, his hands sliding around beneath your hips to pull you up against him. He grinds against you until you’re gasping his name. “Please. More.”

Johnny sits back, lets you sink down into the mattress, and then he reaches for the edge of your panties and pulls them down your legs, away from your soaking wet center.

“So wet, baby.” Johnny groans right before he presses a kiss against your mound, right above your clit. You can’t help the desperate noise that escapes you. Johnny’s sharp gaze moves up your body, and one of his hands slides over your mouth. “You do need to be quiet, though. The walls are thin.”

You nod.

Johnny squints suspiciously at you. “Will you? Or do I need to find a way to keep you quiet?”

Your mind immediately goes to his erection, currently pressed against your thigh. Or his fingers still covering your mouth. His mouth pressed over yours.

“You like that?” Johnny asks and you nod again. “Open your mouth.”

A second later you find Johnny pressing your panties into your mouth, his gaze on yours to make sure that you’re alright with this.

You attempt to say something, anything, but it just comes out as a garbled muffled noise.

“Good.” Johnny bumps a kiss to the corner of your mouth.

His breath is warm as he moves down your body, intermittently placing hot kisses on your skin until he reaches the apex of your thighs, your wetness. Johnny looks up at you and smiles before he dives in, his tongue and his fingers working magic on you.

The panty gag works.

Your hips jolt and you try moaning his name, but the noise is barely loud enough to draw his attention.

Johnny keeps it up for a few minutes, occasionally looking up at you and pulling his mouth away to scatter kisses on your thighs and hips. And all the while he’s still fingering you, curling his fingers against that spot that makes you feel so good and also scissoring his fingers to stretch you open for his cock. He laps around his fingers, licking up all your wetness.

Soon you can’t stand it anymore. You need Johnny’s cock, the stretch, the full feeling.

“Johnny,” You whine through the gag, and at the same moment you grab onto a hank of his hair and tug. He glares up at you, but when he hears the desperation in your muffled plea of “Fuck me!” he abandons everything.

He moves away for a moment to grab a condom and then he’s back, slipping his fingers inside you again for a second. “Dripping cunt. Are you that turned on by me?”

Your insides give a particularly hot throb, and you push your hips down on his fingers, just needing to have more, to feel him deeper inside you.

Johnny’s fingers disappear and you hear him groan, feel the movement of him touching himself quickly, and then he’s fitting himself between your thighs. He slaps his cock once, twice, again against your clit just to hear your muffled whine. Then he sinks into you, smoother and deep, a luxuriously full feeling that you can’t get enough of.

“Baby, you’re so warm.” Johnny stays deep inside you, grinding against you for an instant before he pulls most of the way back out and pushes in again.

You cry out, your hand shooting for Johnny’s forearm holding him up by your waist.

“You’re drooling, you messy girl.” He laughs, and you feel the pad of his thumb moving over your cheek, along the bottom of your mouth. You want to kiss him or to suck his thumb into your mouth, but you have to satisfy yourself with sucking on your own panties, hiding your moans between the folds of the wet fabric as Johnny picks up sped, fucking you hard and deep. The headboard of his bed knocks into the wall, the springs squeaking lightly with each of his thrusts.

You squeeze your eyes shut as you let the pleasure take over you. You can feel your saliva leaking from your mouth around the panties, can feel the way that your nails pinch into Johnny’s skin, can feel your own wetness leaking from your pussy onto his sheets.

“Are you going to cum for me, Y/N?” Johnny asks, his voice laced with a warm, teasing tone. He’s not bothering to be quiet you notice. “You going to cum on my cock?”

You let out another muffled keening moan.

The panties were, at first, a good idea, but now they’re completely soaked, and as you feel your orgasm approaching—that knot in your belly growing tighter and tight—you just want to be able to moan and whine and cry out Johnny’s name and tell him how good he’s making you feel.

He hasn’t restrained your hands at all, so the moment you decide you’re tired of having your mouth stuffed with your panties, you reach up and pull them out.

“Johnny, oh god,” You cry, and reach for his shoulders to drag your fingertips over his skin. “Fuck, harder.”

He listens, lifting your hips off the bed into his lap a bit so now when he thrusts into you, he’s directly in contact with your G spot.

The next flurry of words that leave your mouth are a nearly incomprehensible combination of moans and whines, swears, Johnny’s name, pleas, and praises for his cock.

He drags your mouth to his when you cum, your walls fluttering and clenching, throbbing around his cock. You rake your fingers through his hair and clutch his face between your hands, squeeze your legs around his hips, try to take him in so deep that you can feel him in your gut.

Once you come down from your orgasm, Johnny tips you backwards again, pulls out of you and removes the condom before kneeling over you.

“I thought I told you to keep quiet?” He asks, smiling and stroking your hair. “Maybe I didn’t put the right thing in your mouth. Suck me off?”

You sit up, one hand on Johnny’s chest easing him down onto the mattress, and then you move to kneel between his legs.

You know Johnny likes the way you look there. Your fingers wrapped around his erection, your lips spread around his tip, your eyes holding his gaze. And you also know that he won’t last long like this, not after he was just inside you, not when he knows how you look with his cum on your tongue and spilling down over your fingers, his load too much for you to take all at once.

All you have to do is suck a little at his tip and jerk your hand over his length, moan a bit for him.

Johnny’s hips jerk up off the bed as he moans your name. His cum spurts inside your mouth and you pull back, holding your mouth open so he can see it landing on your tongue and lips, can watch it drip obscenely from your mouth, leaking in drippy strands down your fingers.

And when he’s done, Johnny sinks into the pillows, chest rising and falling, his cock going soft in your hand.

He doesn’t see you wipe your hand on his sheets or see you grab the corner of the top sheet to wipe his cum from around your mouth. When you feel somewhat clean, you shift on the bed, stretching out so your head is resting beside his shoulder, one of your legs thrown over his.

You lay like that for a few moments, and it’s quiet. You can hear the sound of the TV still playing in the other room, a sound like Mark laughing maybe, but other than that everything is quiet. Johnny puts his arm around you, and his fingers gravitate to your hair, combing through it, twisting strands together absentmindedly. You think he’s probably about to doze off when you finally decide to speak.

“I want ice cream.” You touch your lips to Johnny’s shoulder.

“What, now?” Johnny’s fingers go still in your hair. His voice sounds a little drowsy. “It’s late. And it’s raining.”

You twist to see the window where, sure enough, there are raindrops racing down the window. “It’s just a little rain. And besides, that little 24/7 convenience store around the corner has my favorite ice cream. Please?” You kiss his shoulder again.

Johnny sighs. “You know I can’t say no to you. Get dressed.” His hand taps against your ass and you roll out of bed, reaching for your clothes and pulling them on fast.

He dresses almost as quick, but then he wasted a moment, wiping at your cheeks and chin, trying to tame your wild sex hair before he ends up just shoving a hat on your head and kissing you again.

The living room is empty when you and Johnny walk out there, but the TV is still on.

“Mark?” Johnny calls. “Mark?”

A thump and then some footsteps, slightly louder and faster than usual sound, and then Mark appears in the room. He glances at Johnny then you and then his eyes cut straight to the TV then dart around the room, never settling in one place for too long.

“What were you doing?” Johnny asks, but he doesn’t wait for an answer before saying, “We’re going to the store. Do you want anything?”

Mark looks like he’s thinking about it. You watch as his gaze drifts towards the kitchen, his eyes squinting a little like he’s trying to think of something.

“Do you want to come?” You ask.

“What?” Mark’s suddenly staring at you, wide-eyed, startled. “Do I—?”

Johnny laughs, but it’s an exasperated laugh, like he’s tired of waiting, and he slings his arm over your shoulders. “Do you want to go to the store with us, Mark?”

“Oh,” He rubs at the back of his head nervously and looks down at his feet but not before you notice a curious reddish tone to his skin. “Yeah, sure. Give me a minute.”

He ducks out of sight.

“Weird kid.” Johnny mumbles.

Mark comes back a minute or two later, a jacket on and his phone in hand. He doesn’t say anything as the three of you walk out the door, he barely even looks up from his phone until you reach the store around the corner from their dorm.

“Mark, you want anything?” Johnny asks while he holds the door open for you to walk inside. You hesitate in the doorway, looking back over at Mark. When he looks up, he meets your eyes and he flushes a strange color with the store’s lights glowing against the side of his face.

He jerks his head. “I’ll sit out here.”

“It’s raining.” Johnny points out. Mark shrugs and sits at a table beside the store, the ragged umbrella over the table only keeping parts of it damp instead of soaking wet, none of it dry. Johnny watches him do this and then says, “Suit yourself, Mark Lee.”

You’re quick to find the ice cream you wanted and while you’re there, there are a few other things you think to grab. Johnny offers to buy, but you tell him you’re fine.

He grabs a bag of snacks and pays for it on the way out. You watch him sit down across from Mark at the damp table, his shoulders hunched against the cool misty rain, and he pushes the bag toward Mark.

You browse for the things you want and then head up to pay. The boy behind the register doesn’t even seem to really pay attention to the things he’s scanning. He does it almost robotically, as if his brain is asleep and his body is just running through the motions. The monotone voice he uses when he tells you the price only supports your theory that he’s actually a robot.

Johnny and Mark are sitting in silence when you join them, and it takes you about half a second to realize that it’s because Mark is still behaving oddly. He’s just not looking at Johnny, but he’s not really looking anywhere else either. 

There’s a bag of snacks opened between them, but neither of them are eating, so you sit down beside Johnny and start eating your ice cream, planning to hurriedly finish it and get rid of this strange air once the three of you get back to the dorm. 

“You’ve got a little--” Johnny smiles and lifts his hand to drag his thumb over your bottom lip, then he leans in and kisses you, licking up the taste of your ice cream. 

“Oh my god.” Mark’s voice is barely more than a squeak. 

You turn to him, and Johnny’s hand falls from your face as he asks, “Problem, Mark?”

Again, Mark is avoiding eye contact, and now his hands fidget on the table, dropping his phone before he reaches for the bag in front of him then back to his phone. “No, sorry. I was just... thinking.”

You would leave it at that. Go back to eating your ice cream and pretend that Mark’s acting perfectly normally. But Johnny doesn’t do that. He sits up straighter and watches Mark until Mark has nowhere left to look but at Johnny.

“You heard us earlier, didn’t you? That’s why you’re being so awkward?” Johnny drapes his arm around your shoulders, tugging you against his side in a move that Mark’s eyes follow. “She’s not exactly quiet, is she? You heard us, right? Is that where you were when I called your name earlier? Jerking off after listening to us have sex?”

Mark’s face is both pale and blushing at the same time, giving him a strange mottled color under the hazy glow of the streetlights and the store’s lighting. His eyes are wide, darting between your face and Johnny’s, but he doesn’t deny anything.

You can feel the tension between them, the air stiff with unspoken words. 

“Leave him alone.” You push at Johnny. “Let’s go back. I’m cold.”

The moment breaks. Johnny laughs and squeezes you back in his arms. “It was your idea to eat ice cream. Hurry and finish it, then we’ll walk back.” His eyes are crinkled from the force of his smile, and you feel the urge to stick your tongue out at him, so you do, and that’s when he kisses you again.

When you break apart a moment later, it’s only the two of you at the table, Mark long gone into the rainy night.

You’re standing in the kitchen a little over an hour later when the dorm’s door bangs open and Mark comes inside. He’s soaking wet, and he kicks his shoes off at the door, slides his jacket off as well, and he’s about to trudge off to his room when he spots you.

He glances around quickly for Johnny, but as far as you know your boyfriend’s showering, and therefore, nowhere in sight.

“Is he mad at me?” Mark asks, coming toward you. “Are you mad at me?”

“No, we’re not mad.” You sip at a glass of water and watch Mark open the fridge and pull out the stuff to make a simple sandwich. He doesn’t say anything else, just builds his snack, and you watch him do this, wondering why he didn’t just eat the snacks from the convenience store. “Why did you even come with us to the convenience store?”

Mark doesn’t look up from the sandwich, but you notice that he’s blushing again. “I didn’t want to be alone here with my thoughts.”

That’s the last words spoken until he’s put the sandwich all together and stowed everything back in the fridge, when you finally speak again. “Did you really listen to us?”

“It was a mistake!” Mark insists, accidentally slamming the fridge door as he spins around to face you. “I was heading to the bathroom and... I didn’t mean to listen in, but neither of you were being quiet. I heard you and I just kinda stopped outside the door. But I didn’t stand there for long because it felt weird to listen.” He hoists himself up to sit on the counter, and starts picking at his sandwich, then says, “But I could still hear you in the bathroom, and I went to my room to grab my phone charger, but, uh, I don’t know if you know this, but Johnny’s bed is right on the other side of my wall, so I could hear you even more than before.”  

Johnny steps into the kitchen then, running his fingers through his wet hair, his shirtless torso still damp. “Just because you heard us didn’t mean you had to listen. You didn’t have to jack off while listening either.”

Mark drops his head and thumps his heels against the cabinets, embarrassed. “So, you are mad about it?”

You look from Mark to your boyfriend. Johnny’s looking at Mark with the same look in his eyes he’d had as you and him had walked back from the store. You’d talked the whole way about Mark, about him overhearing you and Johnny fucking, about several things.

“I know you’re mad, but it wasn’t like I did it on purpose, Johnny.” Mark mumbles, and he lifts his sandwich and takes a bite.

Johnny laughs a little. “I’m not mad, Mark. I just think you could’ve joined us instead of jerking off alone.” 

Mark chokes on his sandwich. You glare at Johnny. The power flickers and goes out, plunging all three of you into a solid, awkward darkness.

You feel your way toward Mark, toward where you can still hear him trying to draw in a breath after choking. You hand lands on his leg and then you find his stomach. “Mark, are you okay?” 

“I think I may have just died.” 

“You’re not dead. The power’s just gone out.” Johnny says. “You know this happens sometimes when it rains.” You hear him shuffle out of the room, but you stay there at Mark’s side, rubbing his leg soothingly as he struggles to regain his composure.

After a minute, Johnny returns, holding a candle in each hand, surrounded by a dense cloud of vanilla scented air. He sits one beside Mark, and the other one he carries with him as he leaves the room again. 

“Y/N?” Mark says your name, his voice strained. “Do you think you could maybe stop that. It’s not really helping anything.” His leg twitches under your hand, and you quickly step back.

“Sorry.” You fold your arms over your chest. “Are you sure you’re alright? I know what Johnny said must have startled you, but--”

Mark shoves the entire rest of the sandwich into his mouth and pushes off the counter, striding right past you as if he’s going to disappear to his room and pretend like none of this has ever happened. But then Johnny steps back into the room, blocking Mark’s one way out.

“Are you going somewhere?”

Mark opens his mouth, but then Johnny takes another step forward. He sits the candle he was holding down on the nearest flat surface, and then takes another step forward. Mark takes a step back. Johnny, then Mark, then Johnny again.

They repeat this until Mark’s pressed against the counter again.

Johnny leans in, his hands resting on either side of Mark, caging him in. “Mark, do you want to come?”

In the flickering light of the two candles, you watch as Mark’s throat bobs. His eyes flick between Johnny’s eyes and his lips, which are just an inch away. He nervously licks his own.

“Or do you just want to watch me make her cum again?” Johnny tilts his head toward you. Mark’s gaze slides over to you.

This is one of the things you discussed on the way home with Johnny. He told you all about how Mark never got laid, how Mark wasn’t a virgin, but he just didn’t get the chance much. Plus he was kinda awkward sometimes. So it was no surprise that he’d gotten hard from just listening to you and Johnny, no surprise he’d jerked off too.

”What do you think of him watching us?” Johnny had asked earlier. “Or joining in?”

Johnny’s fingers had slid under your shirt to trace light circles against your skin then, and you couldn’t help but shiver. But part of the shiver that went through you was from the thought of Mark like that.

”Yeah?” Johnny had smiled then.

And now he did the same, turning his charming smile on Mark, and in the same tone he’d used with you earlier: “Yeah?”

Mark makes an aborted noise in his throat, but he nods and looks up at Johnny with a look of pure hunger.

”Good,” Johnny steps back, glances over at you, and then starts to walk away. “Follow me.”

Mark makes no effect to leave that spot, as if he’s frozen. So you reach for his hand, and say his name quietly. Mark shakes his head a little as if clearing the fog from his mind, and he takes your hand carefully, letting you lace your fingers through his as you lead him through the dorm to Johnny’s room.

There are candles lit on several surfaces in the room, providing some light, but not too much, allowing for some mystery in the flickering shapes of the shadows. You try not to think about what kind of fire hazard it is, and instead you guide Mark over to sit down in Johnny’s desk chair, faced toward the bed.

Johnny makes an abrupt humming sound and shakes his head. “No, I’ve changed my mind.”

Mark’s face falls and you feel your heart sink a bit too. You wouldn’t admit it to Johnny, but ever since he introduced the idea to you, you’ve kind of had your heart set on getting Mark in bed.

He laughs when he sees the expressions on both your face and Mark’s. “I don’t mean I’ve changed my mind about all of this. Just the way in which I was planning on doing it.” He points at his bed. “Mark, Y/N, I want to watch you together first. But you can’t kiss her, and you can’t cum inside her. Are you good with that, baby?”

“Yes.” You and Mark answer at the same time. Johnny shoots a look at Mark, and when you look at him as well, you notice the high pink color on his cheeks.

”I was talking to my girlfriend, but do you like being called baby too, Mark?” Johnny asks, walking closer again, and just his proximity has Mark squirming a little bit, the color on his cheeks growing deeper. Mark neither confirms nor denies it, he squeezes your hand and leads the wya toward the bed.

Johnny sits down in the desk chair, eyes on the pair of you. “Go on.”

Mark’s hands flutter nervously, like he’s not actually sure where to touch you, still not sure if this is really happening or not. So you decide to take charge.

You grab the hem of your shirt and pull it over your head, and drop it delicately to the floor, then you step out of your pants, and reach for Mark’s shirt. He lifts his arms as you flick his shirt over his head, and he sits down on the bed when you give a light push to his shoulders.

You straddle him, and when he still doesn’t touch you, you grab his hands and bring them to your chest, over your breasts. “Touch me, Mark.” You bounce a little in his lap.

“Fuck,” He groans and drops his head to your chest. “This is not what I was expecting.”

His hands don’t move on your chest, but his warm breath puffs against your skin until you grow frustrated. You push at his shoulders, and Mark falls back against the bed so he’s staring up at you, all wide-eyed and innocent.

“Don’t you want to touch me?” You ask, and you reach back to unclasp your bra, glancing over at Johnny to make sure he’s still okay with all this. Johnny’s watching with rapt attention, his hand resting comfortably between his legs. The straps of your bra slide down over your shoulders, and you flick your bra off, leaving your tits exposed in the candlelight to Mark’s eyes and to your boyfriend’s. 

“Mark,” You sigh his name and slide your hands down your body, to his stomach, and you push your fingers lightly up his chest. “I want you to touch me.” And for extra measure, you lean in close, and whisper, “Baby.”

He whines and bucks his hips up against you. He lurches up, as if to kiss you, but you sit up and press your hand flat to his chest, keeping him down on the bed. 

“No kissing, remember?” Johnny reminds from his chair, his voice a low warning. Mark looks over at him for a moment and then back up at you. 

Mark’s hands touch your knees first, where they’re situated on either side of him, and then he moves up toward your hips, and rolls his hips under you so you can feel the hard definition of his cock as he rubs against your panties. He grinds up, directly against your clit, and you can’t help the gasp and moan that burst from your lips. 

He smiles and does it again, so you make those same noises.

“Feel good, baby?” Johnny rubs his cock through his pants, watching the way that now you start grinding down on Mark. “Earlier you could barely get enough of my cock, but you haven’t even touched Mark’s.”

“You want me to touch him?” You stare at Mark as you ask, and you watch the way the look in his eyes shifts toward desperate. “He wants it.”

You sit back and press your hand to Mark’s hips now, making him go still so you can drag his underwear down his legs. His cock is nice, not as nice as Johnny’s, but you wouldn’t tell Mark that. He’s already leaking against his belly, hard and pink-tipped, and when you trail a finger lightly from tip to base, Mark moans and his cock twitches.

Then you wrap your fingers around him. Soft (but so hard) and warm. Mark pushes up on his elbows to be able to see you.

“Baby, you’re a mess.” Johnny whistles. “Soaking through your panties already just from dry humping Mark.” You hear the chair creak as he shifts his weight. “Take them off, I want to see you.”

You turn over onto the bed, sitting there so you can shimmy your panties off. Johnny’s face is half-hidden in shadow, the candlelight not quite reaching him, and the effect is arousing. His eyes glint from the shadows, and you watch him grip his erection through his pants as you spread your legs for him. 

So caught up in Johnny’s attention are you, that you almost forget about Mark until he whines. 

“I want to see.” His hand falls on yours, stroking quickly over your fingers like a submissive plea for attention. 

Johnny jerks his chin toward Mark. “Let him see. Give him an up-close look.” 

You know exactly what he means, so you move up the bed, and when you reach Mark’s face you sit backwards on his mouth.

Mark moans, his soft lips parting against the warmth of your pussy. You feel his tongue for a moment as if he’s testing, and then he kisses you down there, sucking your inner lips briefly into his mouth. Your nipples stand erect on your chest, and your pussy throbs.

You kneel up just enough that Mark can draw in a breath, and you can see his chin and his lips, already coated in your slick because when Johnny said that you were soaked, he was understating it. 

“Oh, God, you’re so wet.” Mark moans and he lifts his head from the mattress and presses his face against you, his tongue gently lapping between your folds. He’s so warm and gentle and soft. There’s a certain innocence to the way that he eats you out and you like it, but at the same time you want and need more. 

His erection jumps against his abdomen, and you think about how nice he’ll feel inside you, bare since he’s not going to cum. You’ve only had Johnny’s bare cock inside you on a few occasions when you knew that you had another form of contraception plus you weren’t ovulating. You liked the feeling of Johnny cumming inside you, and part of you wants to know what it would be like to have Mark that way too, but it’s too risky.

Mark moans and pulls you down harder onto his face, licking into you so good your legs are quivering, and you fall forward onto your forearms. 

“Mark, that’s so good.” Your head drops to his hip.

A moment later you realize that his cock is less than an inch from you lips, and when you open your eyes, you notice Johnny’s staring right at you, almost expectantly. By now, he’s pulled his cock out of his pants, and as you watch, he slowly runs his hand up his length and sticks his tongue into his cheek.

He wants you to blow Mark.

The cry Mark gives the moment he feels your lips on his sensitive cock sends a jolt of arousal through you, more powerful than when you’d just been thinking about Johnny (and Mark) cumming inside you. His tongue twists against your clit and you muffle the sounds you want to make by sucking the tip of his cock into your mouth while still holding eye contact with Johnny.

You keep your attention around Mark’s tip, once or twice pushing down to take the rest of him in your mouth. He makes the most wonderful sounds when you do that, the vibrations of his mouth on you sends you nearer and nearer to the edge until finally there’s nothing keeping you from the bliss of your orgasm.

“Mark, shit.” You moan and press your mouth to his hip, biting and sucking to keep from crying out too loudly as he licks you through your orgasm, his hands tight on your hips while he licks and sucks expertly.

He doesn’t stop until you reach back and shove his head away, and then roll over onto your side, leaving his body cold and exposed. He starts to reach for his cock, but before he can, you grab his hand. 

“You’re so good at that, Mark.” You sigh, and you pull his hand to your mouth to kiss. He’s better at oral than Johnny is, but you’d never dare to let Johnny know that because then you would probably never get eaten out again and that would be a tragedy. So for now you settle on just giving Mark a bit of praise.“Good job, baby.” 

His mouth is so wet, you realize as you sit up and look down at him. You’ve never wanted to kiss him more than you do at that moment, but with Johnny watching and that being one of his only rules, you can’t even do that. So you flick your thumb over one of his nipples and then stroke slowly down from his chest to his stomach, taking your time as you go even lower, easing Mark into somewhat of a relaxed state.

When you touch his cock again, Mark closes his eyes and hums, pushing up into the circle of your fingers. “God, please can I be inside you? I want to feel you, please?” 

You look to Johnny. He leans forward in his chair and nods his approval. 

Your heart begins to race, thinking about Mark inside of you, his hands on your body, whimpering and moaning your name, and Johnny watching it all without touching, without speaking. 

Mark’s eyes are still closed when you touch his hear and murmur, “Yeah, baby. Do you want to be on top, or me?” 

“Me.” Mark sits up quickly, and you lean back on your forearms as Mark situates himself between your legs. his fingers touch between your legs, and you bite back a moan since you’re still sensitive from your recent orgasm. “You feel so good, warm, velvety soft.”

He’s still talking as he pushes into you, sinking into your pussy like it’s where he belongs. 

“You can’t cum inside her, Mark.” Johnny reminds him, and Mark nods jerkily and bites his lip, sinking that last bit into you so he’s pressed fully against you. “And I want you to fuck her good. You can’t cum until she has.”

Mark glides his thumb over your clit, and your legs jolt up, squeeze around his hips. You moan, roll your hips, and say, “Move, Mark!”

He obeys, going slow at first, careful thrusts like he thinks you still need to adjust to his size. You’re fine, you want to scream, but you don’t. Instead you curl your fingers around the back of Mark’s neck and drag him down so your cheek presses against his to softly say, “You can fuck me harder than this, can’t you?”

You feel rather than see Mark glances over his shoulder at Johnny, so you press your fingers to his cheek and turn his face back against yours.

“Fuck me like Johnny’s not here. Or fuck me harder because you know he is watching, like you want to show off for him. Make us both feel good, baby.”

Mark makes a cute noise when you call him baby again, and then he sits up, pulling out of your grasp, and he puts his hands on your thighs, spreads your legs wider so that your legs burn a bit, and soon the room is filled with the sound of his skin slapping against yours, the wet sound of his cock sliding through your wetness.

You reach for his waist, his hips, drag your nails over his skin in a way that draws another whimper from Mark.

His pubic bone slaps against your clit with each thrust, jarring you, sending pleasure rolling through your veins as you inch nearer to another orgasm.

“Mark, I’m gonna cum!” You reach for his hand and push it toward your clit, wanting him to rub you to help you.

“Oh, fuck!” Mark pulls out of you quickly instead, scrambling back on his knees, and you voice your complaints at the sudden emptiness, your orgasm just barely within reach. Mark bites on his knuckles and squeezes his eyes shut, fending off his orgasm.

“Finger her, Mark, don’t leave her hanging.” Johnny instructs from the side and you’re so grateful for your boyfriend’s attention.

Mark’s fingers push inside you, pumping in and out, curling just right against that spot, and then you feel his mouth on your clit. You feel like your world shatters into starbursts you cum so hard. Johnny says something to Mark, but you’re too lost in your own pleasure to hear what it is that he says.

And then for a moment the world goes white, Mark’s fingers are still perfectly against your G spot, and you think that maybe this is a mind-blowing orgasm.

But then your eyes adjust, and you hear Johnny cursing as he walks over to the light switch and flips off the light. The power had just come back on at last, devastatingly bright after the simple candlelight.

Mark sits up, and looks over at Johnny as your boyfriend sits back down in the desk chair. Mark asks, “Can I cum now?”

“It’s up to her, isn’t it?”

Mark looks desperate to cum, but something comes over you, and you’re not quite sure you want to give him that relief yet. You don’t want to be done playing with him so soon.

When you wrap your hand around Mark’s length, he moans softly and just lays his head back, sinking down onto the bed once more. “Feels good.” 

“Does it?” You stroke your thumb below his tip. Mark moans, and his breath catches in his throat before he moans again, his fists clench at his sides.

You pull your hand back from his erection.

Mark whines. “No, no. I’m so close, please.”

You glance at Johnny and notice that he’s smiling, watching you play with Mark like this. Taking him to the edge of his orgasm and then back. You wait a moment for Mark to calm down just a bit, and then you touch him again, jerking you hand over his length a few times before he’s moaning and thrusting up into your touch again, then you pull away once more. 

You repeat this several times over until Mark’s voice hiccups, until his body is wound so tight that you think he’ll tear apart if you try to edge him one more time. So you back off, sit back on your heels, and look over at Johnny.

“Good job, baby.” Johnny’s voice is somewhat strained, his hand busy on his cock, his eyes lidded watching you and Mark together. “You’ve done good, baby.”

“Johnny,” Mark groans, his cock jumping, thighs twitching. “Can I please cum? Please? I’ve been good. I’ll never eavesdrop again.”

You touch your finger to the tip of his cock, watching the candlelight around the room catch on the string of precum stretching between your finger and his pink head. Mark hisses and whines, pushing his hips up in an attempt to get more contact with your hand.

“Do you think you should get to cum?” Johnny stands up, and for the first time, he approaches the bed, towering over the pair of you on the bed. “Wouldn’t you rather watch me make her cum again? Wouldn’t that be nice? To watch me fill her up with my cum when you didn’t get to have that, baby?”

The sounds Mark makes are unintelligible, and you watch with absurd fascination as tears burst into his eyes. One of his hands shoots down, reaching for his cock.

Johnny quickly swats his hand away. 

“No.” Dominance washes through the single syllable.

Mark shudders and then goes still, his chest heaving as he looks up at Johnny with his dark, teary eyes. And in a very quiet voice he pleads again, “Please. It hurts, Johnny. Y/N, please.”

Johnny shakes his head and reaches down to the floor, grabbing up a discarded belt. “Mark, turn on your side.”

Mark obeys, and he doesn’t make much sound as Johnny carefully pulls Mark’s arms behind his back and wraps the belt around his wrists, fastening it just tight enough, and then he helps Mark into a sitting position at the head of the bed. 

“You’re going to watch now, and you can’t touch yourself.” Johnny squeezes Mark’s shoulder, and Mark whimpers and squirms, his cock bouncing unhappily in his lap, dripping precum.

Johnny leaves the bed, returning to his chair, in clear view of Mark. “Y/N, baby, come over here.”

Before you do as he says, you lean in to Mark, touch your fingers to his cheek and tell him, “If being bound hurts too much tell us. I’ll make him stop.” Mark nods, and you brush the briefest of kisses to his cheek before moving away, going for Johnny who has completely rid himself of all of his clothes. 

“Sit down. Facing Mark. I know your cunt is nice and wet still, so you won’t have any problems. Sit, baby.” Johnny’s hands fall to your hips, and you look back over your shoulder at him as you reach down and hold his cock against your opening. You hiss as Johnny fills you, stretching your walls with the width and length that Mark just hadn’t possessed.

He kisses your back, between your shoulders, confiding a hushed, “I love you” to you as you take him as far inside you as you can. You can feel him in your belly, and you only sink further down on him when Johnny spreads your legs, his fingers gentle on your thighs as he does it, so that Mark can better see Johnny’s cock disappearing inside your pussy.  

“Baby,” Johnny’s head nudges against your back, his hands slide up to your hips, and he starts moving you on his cock. “You’re still so tight. Did Mark actually even fuck you?”

From the bed, Mark makes a noise, and you lift your gaze to see him struggling, bucking his hips into the air. 

“Shit, so tight.” Johnny’s hips punch up into you. 

You cry out and let Johnny just use you. He holds you up as he fucks you, putting in all the work himself, and you just try to hold off from cumming so quickly. You’re still so sensitive from your previous orgasms, and having Johnny stretching you so good in this position, and staring at Mark who’s staring at you like he’s never seen anything so amazing, so beautiful and delicious. His whole body is blushing, his cock the angriest shade, and his chest rises and falls with his heavy breathing. 

“She looks amazing, doesn’t she, Mark?” Johnny asks, and now he stands up, still holding you against him, keeping his cock very firmly inside of you. Your feet touch the floor, and Johnny walks you toward the bed, shifting strangely inside of you. “Look at her.” 

Johnny lifts you, and you fold your legs up as he sits you on the edge of the bed, kneeling right there on the edge. His hands go to your breasts, and he pinches at your nipples until you slump back against him, roll your hips, and chant his name, trying to get him to fuck you again instead of just sitting still inside you.

As if to show off to Mark again, Johnny turns your head to the side and captures your mouth in a kiss. 

Your legs give out completely, and Johnny moves with you, pressing you into the bed, and at last he starts thrusting again, gentle rolls of his hips as he kisses you. His hips dig down against yours, his big cock pressing right against where you need him, and you cum quietly, falling apart in Johnny arms.

Johnny cums just a moment after you do. His arms hold you tight as he pushes his hips flat against your ass and empties his load inside you. He drags kisses across your shoulders, along your arm, to the back of your hand and your fingertips. 

“I love you,” He murmurs. 

“Love you too.” Your eyes are so heavy, and when Johnny pulls out, all you can manage is a half-assed, “Don’t.”

Johnny tugs lightly on your arm until you shuffle up the bed with him, and when you next open your eyes, you see Mark’s face right in front of yours, his pretty big eyes staring at you. 

Your hand moves of its own accord, fingers light on his lower abdomen. 

You touch Mark barely at all. His cock is so hard, it looks painful, and he whimpers so pitifully you just want to take him as deep down your throat as you can and let him cum. But Johnny curls his arm around your shoulders and draws you back against his chest.

“Doesn’t he look so cute like that, desperate to cum? But he doesn’t get to cum. Not tonight.”

“What?” Mark cries, trying to sit fully upright, but with his arms restrained behind his back, he finds that a bit difficult. “Johnny, no, please! You have to let me cum!”  

“Do we?” Johnny cocks his head. “I’m feeling a little tired. You are too, aren’t you, baby?” He brushes his fingers over your shoulder. “Maybe we should just sleep instead.”

Johnny tucks his face into your hair and sighs, like he’s settling in for the night. You watch Mark through your eyelashes, listen to his huffs and puffs, his groans and soft whimpers. 

This goes on for a few minutes, and then Johnny sighs again. 

“Mark, baby. Quiet down.” He presses his lips to your shoulder and looks over at Mark. 

He bites at his lip to try and keep quiet, but then he starts squirming. That lasts for only a few seconds before Johnny sits up, grabs Mark’s shoulder, and forces him to sit up straight, away from the pillows so Johnny can quickly undo the belt binding Mark’s wrists together. 

The belt is barely undone before Johnny’s tucked back against you. “Go to sleep. Goodnight.”

Mark wails, and you whisper to Johnny, “Are you really going to leave him without cumming tonight? He’s been so good.” 

Mark lays there rigidly, his erection standing tall, but he doesn’t even try to touch himself, obedient to the last.

“Look, Johnny.” You stretch out a hand and brush your fingers over Mark’s cheek, wiping at his tears. 

Just that simple touch has Mark rolling his hips up, aching for your touch. You feel Johnny’s hands sliding over your body, and then he lifts a hand away, and at last touches Mark. His hand cups Mark’s cock. Mark closes his eyes and pushes his hips up against Johnny’s hand.

Johnny’s hand engulfs Mark’s cock, and he jerks him off hard and fast, only needing to get a few strokes before Mark moans and chokes out the words, “Hyung, I’m gonna--”

His hips lift off the bed as he moans your name and Johnny’s and other nonsensical noises. Pulses of cum shoot up his chest. Mark’s head lolls back against the pillow and he falls silent.

“Did he just pass out?” You run your fingers over the side of Mark’s face. Cum still seems to be leaking from his cock, all puddled on his stomach. “That’s so cute. He really needed that, didn’t he? I almost feel a little bad about denying his orgasm for so long.” 

“I liked seeing that dominant side of you,” Johnny whispers as he kisses you behind the ear. He wipes his hand off on Mark’s leg. “Do you think he liked it?”

You sigh sleepily and snuggle back against Johnny, warm and solid behind you. “I think he’d come back for more if we let him. Not any time soon, though. We wore him out.”

“You did that. All of this is your doing.” He rests his head against yours. “It began with a mistake. Then you insisted on having sex, moaning too loud, you called him baby and started edging him in the first place. Edged him all night long, look. The sun’s rising.”

Outside Johnny’s window, the city night fades into pink and gold and soft lavender, but the inside of his room is still muted violet and navy and the cream curve of Mark’s body in the sheets, Johnny’s arm over your waist. 

You listen as Johnny falls asleep behind you, his breath going slow and level, his arm slack around your waist. Shadows shrink around the room, and your eyelids sink.

You’re about to fall asleep when you feel Mark shift, and you open your eyes again. 

His eyelids are barely split open, and you take a moment to smile at him, to reach for his hand and tug so he slides closer to you, before your eyes fall closed again.

It began as a mistake, and as you feel Mark curl up on his side in front of you, you think that maybe it could turn into something great. 

request: Oof I’m thinking about Mark hearing me and Johnny having sex orrr me topping Johnny through the wall or something and getting off to it and Johnny realizes what happened when mark acts all awkwards later and mark thinks he might be mad but instead proposes a threesome ??

[constantconfusion111]

Etched into your skin - Chapter 3

Here’s the 3rd chapter! Thanks everyone for the comments/likes/Kudos, you’re the best!!!

Link to AO3

Link to Ch1 ; Link to Ch2

---------------

Type was an expert at denial. He wore it like a second skin.

As he moved his boxes in the condo he’ll share with Techno, no one could have imagined his brain was torturing him. He almost met Tharn.

The first thing he’ll do as soon as class started was to find out in which university his soulmate was exactly as to stay the fuck away from it forever. Maybe he should consider changing university. His parents would definitely not be on board with that. It took him almost 3 weeks to convince his father to let him ditch the dorms.

Frankly, his dad didn’t want him in a condo for his first year, but Type had little choice in the matter. He simply couldn’t be in the same room with Tharn. The man would find out. Maybe not the first week, maybe not even the first month if he lied about his name. But he would eventually. And Type refused to deal with the potential fallout. So he had to use an argument he wasn’t proud of.

‘Dad, I’m not feeling safe in a room with another random guy.’

He had felt guilty and uncomfortable using that against his dad. But the result was instant, and the following week he was already signing the lease of his new condo.

“Type! Here’s your last one,” called Techno, sliding a cardboard box on the floor.

All was fine, he could handle this.

----------

Maybe Tharn had been overeager.

When he had red the letter, he’d stared at it unblinkingly for what felt like an eternity. His mother, worried, had read over his shoulder. Before he knew it, his face got crushed in a suffocating hug as she was part laughing part crying for him.

His dad had soon barged into the kitchen, concerned about the noise.

The rest of the evening had been very loud as his parents swinged between congratulations and hugs. And then he had to explain everything for a third time when Thorn came back home later in the evening.

Saying he was excited was the understatement of his life. So as soon as the first day of moving into the dorm rolled around, Tharn brought all his boxes and started to put his things away.

He wanted to be there to welcome Type in what would be their first home together. Tharn wanted to smile at him, see in his eyes a reflexion of his thoughts. Would he be nervous? Giddy? Composed?

Type would already know who he was.

Were they supposed to hug? Was that too forward? But at the same time, he couldn’t just… not. That would be too strange. Maybe they could go out and eat together to chat, starting to get to know each other. Maybe they wouldn’t be able to bring themselves to leave the room.

Tharn had so many questions for him. But probably the first one would be why hadn’t Type registered himself? If his soulmate was in Uni, he had to at least be his own age. Was Type one of these people that wanted the meeting to be organic? Was Type a romantic?

His heart was beating too fast, he was feeling light headed.

Tharn was going to be fine, he just had to handle himself until Type arrived. That’s what he had to keep repeating at least.

Tharn looked up at the dorm’s door with each item he was putting away.

After emptying his first box, he only raised his head whenever he heard movement in the hall.

After the third box, he stopped altogether, massaging his neck slowly.

As the night rolled around, he had to accept today wasn’t the day. Maybe he really had been too eager. They still had quite some time until the start of the semester.

However, on the first day of class, as he woke up yet again facing an empty bed, Tharn’s enthusiasm vanished like smoke in the wind.

Type must have known, he must have received the same letter as him, clearly stating who his roommate would be. Suddenly, Type not being registered sounded less like romance and more like avoidance.

But why? Why would Type not want to meet? Even if he didn’t want a romantic relationship, which did happen sometimes, why not meet with him and tell him?

What if something bad had happened?

As soon as his first day of classes ended, Tharn excused himself from the group of freshmen that wanted to go out for celebratory drinks, claiming he had some administrative issues. Lhong had thrown him a look, but didn’t stop him.

Technically, Tharn wasn’t lying. It just wasn’t his own administrative problem. He approached a woman reading behind her desk.

“Hello, I’m sorry to bother, but I think there’s a problem with my roommate.”

She looked at him with the sort of weariness born out of dealing with stupid requests from days on end.

“Unless the issue is actually very serious, there’s nothing I can do to help. All the rooms are jam packed, so we can’t transfer the freshmen left and right.”

“Ah, no that’s not why I’m here. I’m worried for my roommate, he never moved him. Since classes started already, I was wondering if everything was alright. His name is Type Thiwat Phawattakun.”

She hummed, turning toward her computer and checking some files. It took a couple of minutes of silent scrolling before she turned toward him again.

“He cancelled his spot in the dorms. Very last minute actually. Freshmen are more and more irresponsible each year…”

Tharn felt a pang in his heart at the news. Type has cancelled. He’d backed out of their meeting.

“Where is he now? Did he drop out of University?”

“I don’t think so, it does happen that freshmen give up the dorm for their own private accommodations. It’s more expensive, but also more comfortable.”

So Type was definitely avoiding him.

“Could you tell me which University he’s enrolled in please?”

At that, the woman looked at him with narrowed eyes.

“These are private information that I cannot share with just anyone, sorry Nong. You should just enjoy your big room for yourself, you’re the only one lucky enough for that.”

Tharn felt anything but lucky.

-------------

Turns out, finding one guy within an entire University complex could be quite the challenge. The first thing people said when he asked if they knew Tharn was:

“Tharn? From which Uni?”

So far, he’d only managed to confirm Tharn wasn’t enrolled into the faculty of sports. Only a million more people to ask.

Despite the stress of having to look over his shoulder all the time and making a point of asking people their names before they could even think of asking his first -which had already put him in hot waters with some seniors- University life wasn’t half bad.

Living with Techno was fun. In the evenings they played games together and chilled. Sometimes Techno invited some of their classmates to hang out and drink. They had met some very cool people, particularly a guy called Champ who seemed to know all the best restaurants around. Friday or Saturday nights, they even managed to motivate each other enough to actually go to a proper bar.

Classes are as easy as they ever were and as long as Type listened to the lecture, he barely had any efforts to put into his homeworks. Still drove Techno up the wall in frustration. The coach liked him, even though he always said that Type had to keep his temper in check or he’ll be benched. Type knows he’s good enough to not have to worry too much about the threat. Again, that drove Techno completely crazy since he’d already started his recruitment campaign to convince everyone to elect him as team captain. For his senior year. What was wrong with that boy, Type wasn’t too sure sometimes. In any case, sucking up to the coaches was part of his strategy. Techno did try to deny that last point, but there was an overwhelming amount of evidence against him. For instance, the way he almost tripped on his own feet to play delivery boy.

“Bring this to the music faculty office, it’s the selection of songs we want them to play during the matches.”

“No problem coach! I’ll go right away.”

His bunch of papers under the arm, Techno came back to his group of friends.

“Guys! Come with me, we need to deliver some papers.”

“This is in no way a ‘we’ situation No,” said Champ, stretching out his legs.

“Sorry, we’re kind of in the middle of our stretches,” tried Team, offering a small smile to the other boy.

“Type is on his phone! He’s not even pretending to stretch!”

They all turned to the accused who was indeed lounging on his side, scrolling lazily.

“Type does whatever he wants…”

That was true and it made him very happy to know they already realised it after only a couple of short weeks.

“Tyyyyyype.”

“I would rather die than come with you No,” came the deadpan answer.

“You could at least look up from your phone!”

His plea went unanswered. Knowing better than to annoy the young man to the point of aggression, Techno cursed them all and started his solo adventure.

Techno had to actually ask his way a couple of times as the music and sports department weren’t close at all. He even had to take a Uni shuttle, receiving plenty of curious looks since he hadn’t taken the time to change out of his sports outfit.

Despite being quite a trek away from their faculty, the music building looked pretty similar to their own. Maybe there were more windows. Was light important for musicians? Did they share with the art department?

His adventure wasn’t over quite yet though, the entrance office wouldn’t take the papers, complaining about messing the systems up and Techno got redirected once again.

“So… third floor, and then at the back of the building…”

Every single room, every corridor looked the same and nothing appeared as being the back of anything.

“Shit!”

“Hey, are you alright?”

Techno turned around, coming face to face with-

“Handsome boy!”

The man raised both eyebrows in surprise, readjusting the straps of his bag on his shoulders.

“What?”

“You’re so pretty, are you an angel sent from the sky to help me?”

The man was adorable with a very cute face and pouty lips, a single long earring catching the light on the side of his face and despite his clear confusion, he still offered Techno a large smile.

“I can definitely try.”

“I need to find the faculty office of the music department. It’s about music for our matches,” he explained, flapping around the brown envelope he’d brought all the way there.

“Ah I see, I’ll walk you there. You’re very close, but it can be tricky to find the room.”

“Lhong, is everything fine?”

Techno turned toward the man that seemed to have called his saviour.

“Damn! Is it a requirement to be handsome to get into the faculty of music?”

If Lhong was cute, the newcomer was definitely handsome, and that despite the dark circles under his eyes.

“All good, I’ll just show this guy the way to the office. Save me a spot in the canteen?”

The man nodded and left without further ado.

“Let’s go!”

“Thanks man, I’m Techno by the way. I’m in the faculty of sports.”

Lhong laughed, checking him out from head to toe.

“Yeah I could have guessed that. I’m Lhong. Isn’t the faculty of sports super far away from here?”

Techno groaned loudly.

“So far away! I had to take the Uni shuttle to come!”

“Sounds like a pain, you should stay to eat with us so you wouldn’t have travelled all the way for nothing.”

After one last corridor turn, they finally arrived in front of the teachers’ office. Techno would never have found it, even the door tag was scratched out and faded.

“I wish, I lost too much time already, I’ll have to hurry back and pray my friends didn’t ditch me. But give me your Line ID! I’ll send you a message and we can go grab a drink, I’ll treat you as a thank you.”

“Ah, that’s not necessary, it was nothing.”

Techno shushed him, already fishing out his phone and pushing it in Lhong’s hands.

“Nonsense! It’s gonna be fun. I’ll bring my friends, bring the hot one you were with before. I’m sure music students know the best bars.”

Lhong shared his number and after a last goodbye, they parted in front of the office.

Maybe his adventure hadn’t all been in vain.

[musingsofawritertatheart]

Unresolved questions...

2nd November, is observed as All Souls Day across the World. It is also known as the Commemoration of All the Faithful Departed and the Day of the Dead, it’s a day of prayer and remembrance for the departed souls. On this day, people visit their departed family members gravesite to pray for their souls.

             It has been a yearly ritual, which we have been following since i was kid...to make a visit to cemetery to pray for my grandparents souls. 

            As a kid, i used to think of cemeteries as a place that offers lots of green space and trees. Now, i look it as a place which provides a great backdrop for quiet reflection, peace of mind and closure.

            After spending some time at our departed family member’s grave site. one of us will always be cleaning the stone and pulling the weeds around the cement border, putting departed person’s fav flower on the grave and lighting up candles and spend time praying for that departed soul . Every visit fills me with mixed feelings as many thoughts cross my mind...

             When I see people coming to cemetery on All Souls Day, laying flowers on their loved one’s gravesite...I tend to look at people’s faces. When we loose a loved one, the pain we experience can be unbearable and we sometimes wonder if the pain will ever end. Understandably, grief is complicated and we go through a variety of emotional experiences such as anger, confusion, and sadness.

              When the word “Cemetery” comes up, people generally exchange sheepish looks as it unsettles them. But for me, it is a place that gives a closure to people who are grieving.

              2020 will be remembered as a lost year for most of us. Historians will use it as a reference point. While some of us are suffering the loss of income, livelihood and the simple expected meeting of life’s most basic needs

              More tragically, others will remember this year as the year of losses – much greater losses than a cancelled vacation, a missed graduation or the inability to dine out freely.

               Others are grieving the deaths of family members and close friends – compounded by the inability to gather and remember in comforting ways. Personally, this has been a year of loss for me as well...I lost two of my favourite people this year. One beautiful soul left me in February and other soul left our family in July. My brother from another mother, the love of my life – my Pet, Joey passed away in February and my favourite uncle, I’m extremely fond of...slept in the lord, in the month of July. The fact that I saw him gasping for breath right in front of my eyes was extremely painful to say the least....

               Nothing can ever heal the pain, you feel when your loved ones leave you. At that moment it might look like you will be consumed by this pain and you may not be able to heal from this pain. Loosing a loved one leaves a painful scar on your psyche and try as much as you want ...one can never recover from that pain ...that void will never be filled with anything or anyone...it’s the memories of the loved one that haunts you.

               This void left by the passing of my near and dear ones made me realise one thing though, it’s not the big things but the little things we tend to miss about your loved ones. It could be as simple as getting a morning message from that person or that customary call on your birthday or that small word of encouragement when you are feeling down from that favourite person that you tend to miss. It can also be as simple as being woken up by your loving pet and that wet nose on your pillow and that warm greeting you get when you come home. Somehow your birthdays and other special occasions look less special because of that void left by our loved ones...

              When you experience such tragic losses in quick succession ...pain is inevitable and the will to live is slowly beaten out of your system. Suddenly, HOPE is not that evident anymore. At times like these, it is difficult to pull yourself from this pain that threatens to consume you. During these times, its important to take one day at a time and keep moving ...no matter how hard it may be.... even when breathing looks like a chore and getting up from bed seems like an uphill task...you still pick yourself up and keep going...that’s life I guess. 

               I was totally numb when my uncle passed away in July...it was like the final nail in the coffin...where do u go from here? I was just drifting through life for more than a week ....and then I saw this huge rainbow right next to my balcony and I just knew this was the sign from God or beyond...to move on with my life and that’s when I got back to life ...one step at a time.

              A theory suggested by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross suggests that we go through 5 distinct stages of grief after the loss of a loved one: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance.

DENIAL...When I see families with so much pain in their eyes... could it be that they are still in Denial about their loss.... all though they know what has happened. Sometimes, it takes time to grieve and heal and that quite resignation on their faces conveys a million things....and silently I wish them strength so they can accept this harsh truth and say a prayer for that family....

ANGER....When I see families with a hardened expression on their faces ...could it be that they are still angry towards their loved ones who left them to face this harsh world with added responsibilities. And they have this pent up angst towards god and the world for snatching up their loved one? It can be daunting to live life like this and silently I wish them strength so they can let go of this anger and have peace...

BARGAINING...When I see families that are inconsolable and wailing like small kids ...could it be that they are still not able to accept it and wish it wasn’t true and still have a hope that they might wake up one day and wish this was some kind of a nightmare they are going through? my heart goes out to them and the only thing I can do? Say a small prayer for that grieving family....

DEPRESSION...When I see families with an indifference in their attitude and keep looking at their loved ones gravesite...could it be that they are going through depression? During this phase its hard to look beyond this painful incident and hope looks like a distant word. Not knowing when they will ever recover from this loss of their loved one. It might look like they will be consumed by this pain and never recover ...I wish them strength so they can look beyond this painful time...

ACCEPTANCE...When I see families putting on flowers and lighting up candles with a faint smile on their faces and peace ...I know they have accepted this truth and they have come out of that dark tunnel of grieving and only remember good moments and memories with their loved one...

                  It’s not necessary that everyone will go through these 5 grieving stages. At times, it might look like you may have healed and in the next moment, mere mention of your loved one or some memory pulls you into grief once again. Grieving is never linear. It’s important to give vent to your grief- cry it out, write it out, sing it out, walk it out and talk it out. Give in to the weight of it. Be taken by this storm and let it wash over you. It’s important not to let anyone rush you through this grieving process and unless and until you are healed completely you cannot move on in life. Once you accept the inevitable only then Peace will prevail.

                 As I walk down that old pathway, I could see gravestones of every size and shape mark the landscape in every direction. Off in the distance, I could hear the distant roar of traffic; within the confines of the cemetery, all was quiet, save for the birds and insects. For whether one believes in an afterlife or not, spending time at a burial ground inevitably stirs thoughts of our own mortality -- what life means, whether we are living the life we are meant to be living, and what comes next.

             The invisible presence of the departed creates a kind of vortex of deep tranquillity, silencing the ten thousand insignificant things clamouring for our attention.

             That's the thing about cemeteries: rich or poor, powerful or powerless, known or unknown, all our lives come down in the end to a resting place in the earth. If we are at all sensitive, this kind of proximity to death has an instant centering effect. Like a good meditation practice, visiting a cemetery focuses our attention on what really matters; helping us to discriminate between what is true and lasting from what is transient, and of little importance.

              When you look at life through this prism, the way you lead your life is different. You don’t hold onto petty things like greed, hatred and grudges. If you don’t like someone, just walkway from that person and if you like someone, you speak your mind. I would rather live my life with an “oops” than a “what if” hanging onto my conscience. I guess life is too small to hold onto fears and worries.

              Cemetery visits can bring up a mess of emotions. It takes a few days to “reset” after a visit to the cemetery.

Sometimes, I wonder what constitutes a good life???

         Q) When you are surrounded by your near and dear ones during your last moments on this Earth and leave with a smile on your face...is this considered as a well-lived life?

         Q) When you leave this earth a bit better by creating or leaving a piece of art – be it your songs, your book, your music, your paintings ...can this life be considered as a well-lived life?

         Q) When you raise a good family with kids, inculcating good values and leaving behind a loving family...is this considered as a well-lived life?

          Q) When you have a positive impact on the people you come in contact with on a daily basis and spreading goodwill and positivity in your family, friends and community... is this considered as a well-lived life?

          May be it’s living a life less selfishly, and not allowing this fear of uncertainty to drive us away from gratitude, faith, compassion and hopefulness- are markings of a well-lived life?

As i ponder through these questions, i’m reminded of Rainer Maria Rilke’s quote that I came across some years back...

        “Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and           try to love the questions themselves...do not now seek           the answers, which cannot be given to you because you           would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live           everything. Live the questions now”

              I just want to send these questions into this cosmic void...may be life will give me answers, when I least expect them... Perhaps someday there will be some method to this madness we call life or may be not???

Leaving the cemetery, I thanked the dead for returning to me the gift of life.

[batfamily-trash]

Back to You

Damian x reader based off of Back To You by Selena Gomez

Love was a touchy subject for you. When you were a young naive teenager you didn’t believe in love at first sight. You actually thought that love was a pointless human creation. Why would you want to fall in love? Just why?

Then you meet Damian Wayne. Your opinion didn’t change you just developed a crush on him. After getting to know him better you did start to fall in love. And you did change your mind about love. Little did you know he shared those same feelings for you. He would’ve asked you to be his but he knew about your opinion about love. But he didn’t let that get in the way between you two.

As days, weeks, and months passed, the both of you started acting more like a couple than a pair of friends. It was silently affecting your social life. People actually thought you two were dating. Even the Batfamily.

But now, you and Damian are in your mid-twenties. He has his life figured out while you still had no clue what to do with it. He’s getting married and you’re in your living room with several bottles of wine by your side.

You glanced at the wedding invitation in your hand and put it down. Even after the both of you cut off your friendship he had invited you. Guess there’s still something left.

You got up and dragged yourself to the bathroom. Once there you studied your reflection in the mirror. Your eyes were red and puffy from all the crying. The bags under your eyes were getting darker as the days passed.

As quickly as you could, you washed your face and returned to living to pick up the invitation. You opened it and looked at the date and time. The wedding was taking place later that evening. No point in going now. And assuming that the entire Batfam was going to be there, then that would mean Gotham would be vulnerable. Lucky for them you were available and in need to punch something.

Damian was nervous. Today was the day. The day be would marry his beloved. His entire family, friends, and people he didn’t even know were going to be there. His wedding was apparently a big deal being the son of Bruce Wayne.

But something didn’t seem quite right in his heart and mind. Part of him was regretting sending that invite to you, the other part was hoping you would show. He was just as confused as he was nervous. His feelings for you were still alive and that saddened him. He had lost you and now he was never going to get back to you. Not that you two were dating before he met Kylie.

You had run out of the Manor in anger after an argument with Damian. Bruce had sent you and Damian out to investigate some weird activity involving fires. Which you later found out to be Firefly.

When you found Firefly you two didn’t have a plan to apprehend him. You couldn’t call for backup cause everyone was busy fighting their own villains and Damian didn’t like calling for backup anyway. So it was just Damian and you against a bug with a flamethrower. What could go wrong?

Everything. Absolutely everything went wrong. Somehow Firefly got a weapons upgrade that Batman didn’t know about and now his flamethrower is more… powerful.

You and Damian managed to take down Firefly but not before you were injured. You tried hiding the fact that you were injured on the way to the cave. But Damian I-was-raised-by-assassins Wayne noticed.

Once you arrived at the cave, he dragged you to the med bay and berated you for being reckless. Which caused a shouting match.

“Me reckless? Damian, you threw yourself in the line of fire!” you shouted.

“At least I didn’t get hurt!” He countered. You rolled your eyes and started walking to the cave’s elevator. “Where do you think you’re going?!?!”

“Somewhere where I don’t have to see your face!” Damian followed you and before you could get on the elevator he pulled you towards him.

“You need to rest stay here,” he said. The rest of the family were by the computer looking at you two. Deciding whether or not to interrupt.

“Damian what do you care if I’m hurt or not?!?! You certainly didn’t care when we first met!”

“Because I….”

“Because you what, Wayne?!?” Damian sighed and just stood there, avoiding your stare. You scoffed and stormed to the elevator.

That was one of the many fights that had happened. Each getting worse. In the end, he did admit his feelings for you but you had “already” moved on. In reality, you haven’t moved on. You just decided to live in denial. And Damian… Damian did move on.

After the last fight, he had met Kylie and they started dating a week later. It surprised everyone, even you. Kylie and Damian were complete opposites.

A knock interrupted Damian’s thoughts. He turned towards the door and immediately his eyes widen. “Beloved, what are you doing here?”

Kylie walked into the room and closed the door. She leaned on the door and sighed. The wedding was supposed to start in ten minutes and she was not dressed. Her hair was up in a messy bun. she was wearing one of Damian’s t-shirts and some sweats. She didn’t look like she was getting married.

“Dami… Are you sure about this?” she asked.

Damian walked to her and gently cupped her face. “Of course I’m sure I want to marry you. Why wouldn’t I?”

Kylie pulled away from his touch and crossed her arms. “I know you have feelings for y/n.”

Damian opened his mouth to protest but she raised her hand to cut him off. “Please don’t deny it. Every time one of your brother’s brings her up your eye’s light up like a little kid’s on Christmas. Whenever she’s around you’re either happier than usual or sad and you tend to avoid her if you can,“ Kylie said. “What happened? Why aren’t you with her?”

Damian backed away from Kylie and rubbed the back of his neck. “I… After a fight I confessed and… and we just stopped talking… so I just assumed she didn’t share those feelings.”

Kylie took off her engagement ring and gave it to Damian, who took it back in shock. “My first guess is that she didn’t know how to deal with you randomly telling her how you feel. My second guess is that she felt the same for you and probably still does.”

“What am I supposed to do?” Damian said.

Kylie took Damian’s hands in her’s and said, “Go after her. I’ll cancel the wedding.”

“But I can’t do that to you!” Damian exclaimed. Kylie rolled her eyes and smiled.

“Damian I can’t be happy knowing you aren’t. You have sacrificed so much being Robin you deserve at least a happy ending with the girl you truly love.”

Damian and sighed and kissed Kylie on the cheek. “What are you going to tell the guests?”

“I’ll leave that to Jason. Now go!” She said pushing Damian out of the room. Damian ran out of the room pushing past his brothers, father, and best friend. They all looked at him confused but when they saw r/g/f smiling they understood.

You observed the city from on top of Wayne Enterprises. The city was buzzing life. You continued observing until your eyes landed on one of Gotham’s churches. You looked away and walked to the other side of the building. In a couple of hours, Damian and Kylie would be married and it would be all over the news. One of the many cons of dating or being a Wayne.

You sat down on the edge of the building and closed your eyes. It was a miracle security hasn’t caught you, but then again it isn’t. You slowly opened your eyes when you heard footsteps approaching you.

Once the footsteps stopped behind you, someone cleared their throat. You slowly backed away from the ledge and stood up. “Can I help you?” you asked the person. Not turning to face them.

“Actually you can, y/n.”

You turned around and you looked at Damian in surprise. “What… What are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be getting married?”

“About that…. Kylie canceled the wedding….”

You tilted your head in confusion. “Why?”

“Uh, she… she told me to… y/n I can’t marry her knowing that I still have feelings for you.”

“Yes, you can.”

Damian sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “That’s not what I meant. y/n I love you not Kylie.”

You stood there in shock. This was the second time he told you he loved you. Except for this time, it was a bit more convincing.

“Can you say something? Please?”

“I…Seriously?!?! You could be happy with Kylie!”

“I don’t think you heard what I said did you?”

You scoffed and looked at Damian. He was being honest. “Damian… I love you too, but…”

“But?”

“I’m not starting a relationship with you until we clear this up with everyone.”

“Deal.”

[stateofgrace-acoustic]

lover - first song ranking & thoughts

first of all i just need to say i legitimately don’t feel ‘meh’ about a single song on this album. on any other album. i always had one or two songs i was just kind of ‘take it or leave it’ about. but Lover really did that - they’re all amazing and wonderful. but here’s an attempt at an order of how much i love them!

18. it’s nice to have a friend

this really reminds me of you are in love in the way it recounts all the small gestures and steps involved in becoming close to somebody. it’s really cute and at the perfect space on the album, leading to daylight. not a mindblowing song or anything, but the vibe fits onto lover really well. i’m glad that it’s here 

17. you need to calm down

yeah, i cooled down on this one a little bit. it’s fun and the message is important, but me! is the better single tbh. still though, the feeling of empowerment this gives me over my nonexistent online haters is wonderful. and i love the attitude of the song of just looking at the assholes who live their entire lives putting energy into hating people and just being like....why are you like this. it’s pathetic. calm the hell down. so needed in our current debate culture

16. me!

a real grower! taylor and brendon urie have such good chemistry, tbh that’s really the backbone of the song. it’s just a really nice carefree spring/summertime self love song, a perfect soundtrack for when you feel happy and content with yourself. 

15. the man

just dropping the complete truth on us with this one. i’ve wanted taylor to make this song for years (and i know she said she’s been wanting to but just never found the right words!) the bridge really elevates this too. and it’s sad how relatable the entire song is in literally every aspect of professional (and personal) life for women. i don’t think it’s quite as strong as it could have been, but still really solid

14. i think he knows

this is like the fun version of dress. that’s all i got to say. just as explicit, but this time around it’s super cheeky and i love it. also goals of self confidence if i’ve ever seen them

13. paper rings

the joyful energy this has!! just makes you smile and want to dance immediately, a wonderful wholesome happy bop

12. false god

listen.....this is special. i absolutely think this is the most experimental song on the album, both in terms of the music (is that a saxophone in the bg?? it’s almost got a jazzy vibe? completely uncomparable to anything she’s ever done and still so distinctly Taylor), but also with the lyrics, where she goes into the love = religion theme which honestly....as a Florence + the Machine and Hozier fan, i don’t even need to go into how much of a vibe that is. I couldn’t have imagined it working so well for Taylor though, but honestly, this song feels perfectly brooding, summertimey, melancholy, - it’s almost like taking the darker underside of Cruel Summer and exploring it in depth! this is very much a song i need to be in a Specific Mood to really appreciate, but it’s damn well made

11. afterglow

i love the maturity of this. not just the apologizing for picking a fight, but explaining how it came to be - at the end, from a place deep seated anxiety. ‘it’s all me, in my head’ (those high notes are beautiful) you can really feel how sorry she is. at the same time, the song sounds like something bigger, like an anthem - almost like that place high above that she’s trying to elevate them to.

10. i forgot that you existed

SO MUCH FUN i keep repeating that but that’s just the mood of this album tbh, playful and mature at the same time. this song is just like, when you’re over someone but you just can’t help yourself and have to throw shade one last time before moving on. i love the bouncy beat!!

9. lover

this song is literally the feeling of ‘home’ in music. so cozy, comfortable, blissful. dreamy. perfect title track. also completely timeless - i think this is one of those songs that we will look back on in years as a classic in her catalogue, a song you will always want to play again

8. the archer

this was my definite favorite of the pre released songs. anxiety, doubts, the way they all just keep coming back and eating at you, it’s described so perfectly and painfully. and the production really makes it sound like you’re in a separate space from reality, just stuck in your head trying to find a way forward, to soothe yourself. the ‘they see right through me / i see right through me’ transition in the bridge is fantastic and keeps giving me chills. so much personal connection to this one

7. soon you’ll get better

feels weird to even rank this but......just wow. the harmonies with the dixie chicks are so beautiful, and the way the lyrics talk about the feeling between denial and desperate hope, the transition from “because you have to” to “because I have to” - I have to cling to this hope, or i won’t make i - it completely broke my heart. and the fact that Taylor can conjure all these complex emotions with just a guitar and a few words is incredible. i’m so so sorry for them and i wish all the best for Andrea with my entire heart. 

6. london boy

i already see people underappreciating this, what is going on??? there are multiple cute bouncy joyful songs on this album but this is my favorite because it’s just got a fantastic flow and melody, and i love all of the references to places and dialect specific words and it’s just so wholesome?? but what really makes this is (once again) the bridge. stick with ME im your QUEEN like a tennessEE stella mccartNEY, just the energy!! the fun!! excuse me while i listen to this every day for the rest of my life

5. miss americana & the heartbreak prince

okay, taylor’s brain in this one. i made a post talking about how this song has three layers - at first there’s the high school setting, then it references the ‘cancelling’ of Taylor’s public persona, but then it can also be seen as a comment on US politics and the whole climate of society right now. and it’s all tied together perfectly because high school is the perfect metaphor for this!! she’s basically saying we’re all behaving like immature school children, bullying each other for the stupidest reasons, mob mentality, stupid contests, fabricated stories made up to tear people down, and the feeling of loneliness but also fear and horror that comes with all that for the people who are the victims of it.....it’s literally all like high school in the worst way. i just love this concept, and the melody and production give me a little bit of a reputation vibe almost? which is perfect for the song, the dark dramatic vibe shows the feeling of fear most of all and that’s just....too real. 

4. death by a thousand cuts

........listen, i surely didn’t think that Taylor would write one of her best breakup songs in the year of our lord 2019, but here we are. it’s once again, the small moments she recounts. taking the long way home. the uncertainty if it will ever be fine again. and the bridge/second verse / whatever that part is but that entire part. ‘paper cuts from my paper thin plans’, excuse me. the fact that she wrote this about a movie where a couple breaks up after years really shows tbh, because it’s especially that kind of....not being able to find a part of yourself that isn’t influenced by the other person, that’s so horrible and makes moving on so painful. i also love the production which makes this sound so uptempo, contrasting the lyrics! idk the entire song just clicks into place for me

3. daylight

this is like a summary of the entire album (and with the reference to the past and especially red, it’s even connecting her entire discography together). it’s like the clean of this album, except this time around it feels more complex - all the subtle references to past mistakes, ghosts, that might not be so easy to wash away. i’ve already mentioned that i love about the album (and this song especially) how it doesn’t gloss over negative experiences but addresses them directly, like looking them in the eye and then saying ‘you don’t have the power to define me’. that’s what this song feels like - it’s not unabashedly celebratory, it’s actually quite melancholic, but also full of real healing, a feeling of peace and reconciliation. and the ‘i once believed love would be black and white / burning red, but it’s golden’.....excuse me.....how dare she

2. cornelia street

god, what a magical song. the kind of episodic buildup that Taylor excels at. the vibrancy of the production matching the vibrancy of the relationship as it develops, revolving around this one place in its multiple stages, and then the repeated, deep seated fear of losing all that. it’s just. ugh. what can i even say. and so so catchy. the “listen..” killed me. just like delicate, the vibe between fear and being drunk on happiness is so so well done.

1. cruel summer

oh yes. and here we have an absolute perfection of a pop song. incredible catchiness. smart, clever lyrics but also that underlying vibe of sadness and anxiety. seriously, the complexity this has?? and then that soaring bridge, the chaotic but beautiful but painful reality of all of it coming together. ‘i love you, ain’t that the worst thing you ever heard?’ idk this song just transcends everything for me friends. it’s like the vibe of out of the woods or maybe even style but the lyrics are even more sharp, they cut a little deeper, literally ‘summer’s a knife’. this is a song she only could’ve written influenced by reputation: there’s happiness but there’s that edge in it too. idk if anything i’m saying makes sense. i love this song so so so much. 

[nubnubblr]

Day By Day. 6

JIYEON

"What the hell is that?" I frowned at her. Eunji was holding up a pink floral dress with a bedazzled bust.

"You said you wanted girly," she shrugged with an innocent look.

"Girly? Yes. Prom queen? No," I continued to frown.

"Well, you're not exactly helping," she sighed.

"I want something that I'll wear, but, you know, girlier. Something between what you would wear and what I would wear,"

"Why couldn't have just gone through my wardrobe?"

"Because you're too conservative for me,"

"I thought that was the whole point of the date, cover up so you can get to know each other, not sleep together," she raised an eyebrow.

"I can't think right now," I sighed.

"Well, I'm hungry. So, let's get food before we keep up this impossible mission,"

"Fine," I nodded.

INSOO

I sighed sitting on the lounge with my iPad searching for a restaurant. I didn't want something cheap or some take away type of place. But at the same time, I didn't want somewhere that was extremely fancy either. Somewhere in the middle. I'd found two places that I liked but I wasn't sure which one Jiyeon would like more. I would just have to ask Eunji when they got back. I wanted to get Seyong's opinion but seeing as he was being a massive D-Bag, I would just have to bookmark them and wait for Eunji.

"Hey, where's Jiyeon? I thought she'd be making dinner by now," Gunwoo asked.

"She went out with Eunji, she said she's going to bring something home,"

"Went out where?"

"Shopping I think," I shrugged.

JIYEON

"Are you going to eat?" Eunji frowned at me, I wasn't really hungry so I had been moving the food around my plate hoping she wouldn't notice.

"I'm not hungry,"

"Are you nervous?" she joked.

"I think so,"

"Seriously? You don't get nervous, especially when it comes to guys," she frowned.

"I know. But apparently I am, and I don't even understand why? It's just dinner, it's just Insoo, there is literally no reason to be nervous. But here I am freaking out over going on a date with a guy I've slept with a few times," I rambled on as she just sat there smirking at me.

"What?" I raised an eyebrow.

"Have you considered the fact that maybe you're nervous because you might actually like Insoo?" she shrugged.

"I don't like Insoo," I scoffed.

"I think you do,"

"I think you do," I retorted like a mature grown adult.

"We don't really have the same type," she teased.

"You don't have a type,"

"Regardless, I wouldn't like someone that you like,"

"I don't like him," I defended myself.

"Then why don't you save us both the drama and cancel on him?" she challenged.

"It would be rude to cancel now,"

"You're always rude," she retorted bluntly.

"I am not,"

"Why are you being so defensive?"

"Because I don't like him, at least not like that,"

"Okay, before you decide to just live in denial, let's look at the facts for a second. You haven't really slept with anyone else or even attempted to talk to another guy since the day at the gym. You spend most of your free time together or texting. You literally went out at 8 pm the other night to rescue him from another girl. You agree to go on a date with him and now you're so nervous you can't eat. The only thing that is missing is you being jealous, but I'm pretty sure that you experienced a little bit of that at the club last weekend," she stated smugly.

"Who let you go to school?" I sighed sinking into my chair.

"Tell me I'm wrong,"

"I can see how you would think you're right when you put it that way, but I don't like him," I'm not even sure who I was trying to convince anymore.

"Just admit you like him, accept it and move on. It is okay to like a guy you know,"

"Can we just find something for me to wear tomorrow?"

"But I'm still eating,"

"You can eat later,"

"I'm hungry," she pouted.

"So is everyone at home,"

"I'm not the one who decided to go clothes shopping at 4 in the afternoon to buy clothes for a date with a guy I claim I don't like, I was just dragged along," she huffed.

"Let's just go,"

"Just get it," Eunji frowned at my reluctance.

"It's floral,"

"It's pretty,"

"But, it's floral,"

"If you don't get it I'm going home," she threatened.

"If I do get it we're going home anyway,"

"So you're options are either go home empty handed, stay here on your own, or listen to me and buy the pretty outfit that looks amazing on you,"

"But, it's floral," I repeated after a long pause.

"Seriously? You're worse than Kwangmin, at least he listens to me,"

"Because he likes you," I nodded.

"No, he doesn't,"

"Yes, he does,"

"I'll admit he likes me when you admit you like Insoo,"

"Who raised you?" I frowned.

"A stubborn, stubborn woman," she shook her head at me.

"Shut up and help me find my size," I rolled my eyes.

"Finally," she sighed.

INSOO

The girls walked back in the door, Jiyeon saw me and retreated upstairs. I smirked as Eunji brought bags of takeaway and placed them down on the bench. Everyone had been sitting in the lounge room got up instantly and started serving themselves something to eat.

"Hey Eunji, can I get your opinion on something?" I asked before she made her way to the stairs.

"Sure," she nodded. Seyong glared at us as I collected my iPad from the bench and led her into the lounge room.

"So, I was looking for somewhere to take Jiyeon tomorrow and I found two places that I like but I don't know what she'll like better," I said handing her the iPad.

She looked at the first one for a while then tapped the second tab and looked at that for just as long. She frowned puffing out her cheeks as she switched back and forth between the two restaurants. She scrolled down the pages to read some of the information on each restaurant, tilting her head from side to side still frowning, her frowning worried me. Would she hate them both?

"This one," she nodded seemingly satisfied with her answer.

"She'll like this one," she handed me back the iPad.

"Are you sure? You're not just picking the one she'll hate the least?"

"No, I'm sure she'll like this one," she nodded.

"Ah, don't get her flowers, she's not really a flower person," she added.

"I don't want to go empty handed though,"

"She's going to be too nervous to care,"

"Okay, thanks Eunji," I smiled at her.

I stared down at the phone, considering whether I should call and make a reservation or not. I mean obviously I will need to make one, but once I do then everything becomes real. I was second guessing myself, I mean what if everything goes wrong? Or if she cancels? Is this even a good idea? What am I doing? Why did I suggest this?

Because you like her and you want to show her that, why shouldn't you take her out n a nice date instead of a gross bar or dirty club? So what if it goes wrong? At least you tired and if she does cancel then you don't have to worry about things going wrong. You've got this.

I gave myself a pep talk. It didn't really help that much, but I did make the phone call. That was something I guess.

JIYEON

What am I doing?

I stood there staring at the mirror, the girl staring back at me had my face but she was a completely different person. My hair was styled with beach curls, half pinned up the rest left down. I had chosen, with some influence from Eunji, to go with light makeup instead of the heavy eyeliner I normally have on, and nothing I was wearing had any sign of black. For the first time since I started dressing myself, I was wearing pink. Of all the colours I could be wearing. Why pink? And it wasn't even just pink, it as floral and pink. I felt nothing like myself. Why am I going to such lengths? It was just dinner with Insoo.

"You look amazing," Eunji smiled.

"What if it's cold? Maybe I should just go put on some pants?"

"The only pants that you own are black ripped jeans or tight leather pants. Unless you're going to borrow a pair of mine, stop over thinking it. You look great, put on some shoes and go down to Insoo, who has been patiently waiting for the last ten minutes,"

"Seriously?"

"Yeah, he's probably worried you've changed your mind,"

"Okay, I'm going," I sighed fiddling with the hem of, what even is this thing? The hem of the floral material.

He was pacing the hallway frowning at the floor, he paused for a second, shook his head, and then continued pacing. He looked good in his dark denim jeans that were being held up with a belt, he wore a leather jacket over his black shirt that was tucked into the front of his pants. why did he get to wear so much black? His dark hair was styled more than usual, it barely moved as he continued to pace.

I made my way down the stairs, he finally saw me and stopped pacing. I don't know if he was surprised or nervous but I've never seen him with that expression before.

"Hi," I rubbed the back of my neck feeling extremely self-conscious and for the first time in a while; exposed and not in a good way. I was so far out of my comfort zone wasn't even sure I knew where it was anymore.

INSOO

I was having trouble finding words; she looked so different that I had to blink a few times to make sure it was actually her. There was not a trace of black on her, instead, she wore white. I'd never seen her so girly; feminine yes, but not girly.

She was standing at the bottom of the stairs biting her bottom lip nervously. I guess she was waiting for me to say something but I could only stare at her in awe. I cleared my throat in an attempt to get my brain to function enough to form words.

"Ah, hi," I finally choked out, good job Insoo.

"Hi," she said again.

"Should we go?" I asked. She nodded.

She frowned when I walked away from the front door and towards the back of the stairs but she followed me anyway. We entered the garage, she nodded when she realized that's where the car was. I opened the door for her and she stared blankly at me, or she tired, but I could see the smile tugging at the corners of her mouth.

The car ride was silent and not a comfortable silence either, it was extremely awkward. I wasn't sure if it was because we were nervous or something else but I was slowly starting to regret the idea.

"You look nice by the way, I'm not sure if I said that earlier but you do," I rambled slightly.

"You didn't, but thank you," she was fiddling with the hem of her shorts.

"I was going to get you flowers, but, well, you're you so I didn't," I tried to keep the conversation going.

"Why does everyone keep saying that?" she mumbled more to herself than to me.

I sighed not really knowing how to respond and the car fell silent once again, this was a horrible idea. Things are just going to be awkward from now on aren't they? I sighed again pulling into the parking lot, it wasn't hard to find somewhere to park. I turned the car off and quickly got out to open her door.

"Thanks," she nodded getting out and waiting for me to lock the car.

We walked into the building, past the front desk, and into the elevator. I pressed the button for the 8th floor and once again we were silent. Could it get more uncomfortable? She didn't stand too far away from me but she wasn't exactly close either. Was the whole night going to be this awkward?

JIYEON

The hostess escorted us to our table which was by a huge window looking out over the city. I felt so out of place not because of what I was wearing, it seemed to fit the dress code. But because I didn't do things like this; I didn't do dinner or dressing up, or dates. This was so different from what I was used to and I wasn't entirely sure how to act.

Insoo pulled my chair out for me before taking his own, he slid his leather jacket off and hung it on the back of his chair. It was quite warm in here, it had a calm welcoming atmosphere, there was no question that the place itself was nice, it was just different. The waiter came over, introduced himself and gave us our menus before telling us he'd be back after we'd had time to decide on what we wanted.

I didn't know what I wanted, I didn't even know if I was hungry or if I would end up throwing up because of how nervous I was. I read through the menu as more of something to do rather than to actually find something I wanted. What am I doing? I continued reading. I ended up reading the menu five times just to avoid eye contact. The whole time I sat there with my elbow on the table looking down at the menu, chewing on my thumb.

"Do you know what you want?" he asked, my heart sped up, I was surprised he couldn't hear it pounding in my chest.

"Uh, no," I shook my head.

"This is really awkward huh?" he smiled at me.

"Yeah,"

"Well, this was a horrible idea," he sighed to himself.

"No, it's just, different,"

"We should just pretend that we're at the dining table in the dorm, it's just quieter, and larger," he shrugged.

"And fancier, and the food is probably better," I added.

"I highly doubt that," he winked.

"We'll just have to order to find out," I challenged.

"Well find something you want,"

"Oh, right," I laughed.

And just like that, the awkward tension seemed to ease away and we started joking and acting like ourselves.

"Have I told you that you look amazing tonight?" he asked sticking his spoon in the ice cream.

"Do I not look amazing any other day?" I glared playfully.

"Oh, no, you do. You're just exceptionally amazing today," he stammered holding the spoon of ice cream in front of my face.

"Amazing, no, but you've used about 20 other adjectives," I answered his question eating the ice cream off the spoon he was still holding in front of my face.

"Oh," he looked a little embarrassed.

INSOO

I paid the bill taking her hand in mine and directing her to the elevator, it wasn't awkward this time. She stood close to me even though there was no one else in the elevator, and she was smiling, at least when she didn't think I was watching. We reached the lobby and were greeted by a cool breeze, I guess it had gotten colder outside.

I took my jacket that I'd been holding at the time and draped it over her shoulders before re-connecting out hands, we walked together to the parking lot still holding hands.

"Where too now?" she asked as we reached the car.

"Where would you like to go?" I let go of her hand to unlock the car and open her door.

"We could go back to my apartment?" she shrugged, I frowned closing her door and getting into the driver's seat.

"Your apartment?"

"Yeah, well you said you wanted to her to know each other, why not get some Soju and play a few drinking games?" she shrugged, I had a feeling this was the only way she was going to share anything about herself.

"Your apartment and drinking games it is," I nodded.

INSOO

We walked through the little mart, I pushed the cart while Jiyeon started to fill it with things like snacks foods and some other things she needed for her apartment.

"Which ones?" she asked casually, holding up two different packets; Onion Rings and Lays.

"Whichever you like," I shrugged. She thought about it for a minute, nodded, and put them both in the cart.

"Is there anything else you want?"

"No," I shook my head.

With that, we left the mart with three bags of snacks and four bottles of Soju.

I wasn't exactly thrilled that we were going back to her apartment. This is my first time going there and we're going to be drinking which is bound to lead to something else. I should be ecstatic right? What guy wouldn't be?

But I wasn't, I was kind of disappointed. I'd wanted tonight to be about getting to know each other, to be more than just two people who drink and had sex.

"So what kind of drinking games did you have in mind?" I asked putting the bags in the backseat before opening her door.

"I thought we could play 'I Never' that way we can get to know each other without being all serious about it,"

JIYEON

"What's wrong with serious?" he raised an eyebrow as he pulled out of the parking space.

There was nothing wrong with serious, except that it generally meant that you were in fact; getting serious. Serious meant talking and sharing feelings and your past and that was just something I didn't do. I wasn't comfortable with it, I would much prefer to just sleep together.

Of course, I couldn't tell him that so instead I said;

"Nothing, we should just make getting to know each other fun instead of making it a task,"

"Okay," he kept his eyes on the road.

INSOO

"Can you put that on the coffee table?" She handed me a bowl of chips and shot glasses she'd pulled from the cupboard above the sink.

Her apartment was really nice; modern with an open floor plan. So open that the only enclosed rooms were the bathroom and wardrobe, you could even see the bed from the lounge, well you could see everything from the lounge. Funny enough there was no black. I'd expected a lot of dark colours but that wasn't the case at all. It was very light; cream walls, similar coloured carpet, except for the kitchen which had wooden floors.

The decor colour pallet was light greys, whites, and creamy yellows, all the furniture was a light wood except for the lounge which was a white fabric filled with coloured cushions. It was very welcoming, not a lot of clutter just little trinkets and photo frames filled with images of her with either Gunwoo or Eunji, some with both and some just them. There were also a few house plants which I had definitely not expected.

"Sure," I took them and added them to the growing collection of assorted food placed on the lounge room coffee table, there was everything from the snacks we'd brought earlier to the side dishes she'd pulled from the fridge, apparently she cooks when she's bored. Her fridge was full of containers so I guess she gets bored a lot being here on her own.

We sat next to each other on the floor leaning against the lounge, the coffee table in front of us. She'd connected her phone to a Bluetooth speaker somewhere in the room so there was background noise. Was she trying to seduce me?

We played rock-paper-scissors to decide who went first; she won.

"I never... made out with someone of the same sex," she smirked then took a shot; she was definitely trying to seduce me. The smirk disappeared when I also took a shot.

"What? Who?" she stared at me wide-eyed.

"That's not how the game works,"

"Tell me," her smirk re-appeared.

"I'll have to be extremely drunk to tell you that," I laughed, I hadn't meant it to be a challenge but I think she may have taken it that way.

"I never... stole something"

"Does someone's boyfriend count?" she smirked raising an eyebrow.

"Yes," I laughed and we both took a shot.

"I never... had a threesome," she was the only one that took a shot this time.

"You've never had a threesome?" she looked surprised.

"Almost but no," I shook my head,

"Wow,"

"I never... broke a bone,"

"That's so PG," she frowned but took a shot anyway, so did I.

"I never... got caught doing it in a public place," we both drunk.

"I like you," she let out a long breath leaning her head on my shoulder. A smile found it's way onto my face.

"I like you too,"

"No, I don't mean like a friend, I mean like more than a friend,"

"I know what you mean,"

"And you like me back?" she tilted her head so she could see my face.

"Yes, I like you back," I nodded. She was red-faced, I'm not sure if it was from blushing or the alcohol but I'll take what I can get.

"I never... got arrested," she perked up, sitting up again leaving my shoulder feeling cold. I took a shot.

"What for?" she asked.

"Seyong, he got into a fight. I helped and got caught," I shrugged.

"Why are you friends with him?" she asked leaning against me again just without her head leaning on my shoulder.

"When we were little, my dad left. Just walked out one day and didn't come home, he stripped the money from the bank account, I mean our mother had a savings account with quite a bit in it but he didn't know about that so it's not like he left knowing we'd be fine. But Seyong, who I'd only recently become friends with, was really there for me and we've been close ever since," I shrugged.

"I never... hated a parent," I said taking a shot.

JIYEON

We both took a shot, he looked down. I guess it was still a sore subject, his father I mean. The mood of the room was just kind of depressing now.

"I never... made out with a friend," we both drank. I was starting to get really tired, I was glad he was sitting next to me, if it wasn't leaning on him I might have fallen by now.

"I never... lied to someone I cared about," he said, we both drank.

"Who did you lie to?" I asked.

"My sister, I told her our dad was coming back, how about you?"

"I lied to Eunji about our mother,"

"Oh?" he wrapped an arm around my shoulders.

I don't know if it was because of the alcohol or the fact he'd just shared his past; either way, my mouth started moving before I had the chance to stop it.

"I didn't so much lie, I just didn't tell her the truth,"

"About what?" he frowned, I could have just avoided spilling everything but apparently my mouth felt like talking and my brain was too intoxicated to do anything about it.

"Our parents fought a lot when we were younger, it's one of the reasons Eunji has a fear of conflict. Anyway, they fought a lot and we weren't sure why at least not then. Eunji still doesn't know. But it turns out that our mother wasn't that great a person. Our parents met in high school; high school sweethearts or so everyone thought. Really it had more to do with the fact our father was hopelessly in love with her and she was in love with the fact that he was going to inherit a lot of money, so before he did, she used his feelings for her and latched onto him.

They were engaged, for a long time, she'd never planned on marrying him and she definitely hadn't planned on falling pregnant, especially not with twins. But she did and was too far along to do anything about it except to have us, her parenting skills where something to be questioned. Sure she was fine when our father was around, quite the actress, but the second he wasn't there she no longer pretended to care.

We were left to do everything for ourselves, like cook. We were only six at this point, but she wasn't going to do it. On one occasion Eunji was making Ramyun for herself and picked up the bowl from the counter, just take a second to consider the height difference between a six-year-old Eunji and a full-size counter, so the bowl tipped and she spilt it down the front of herself. She has a scar now that she's extremely self-conscious of. That's why I learnt to cook.

And our mother the two-faced, gold digging, lair, instead of telling our father what really happened, and admitting what she did, she made up some story about Eunji being too impatient to wait until she was served her lunch. But that was just the tip of the iceberg for our darling mother. On our seventh birthday, I caught her cheating on our father with the party planner. I learnt that day that not only was she a cheating gold digger, but she had also never wanted us and tried to convince our father to put us up for adoption.

I guess at some point our father figured out want she was really like because that's what they were always arguing about. Of course, Eunji still sees our mother in a glowing light instead of what she was really like, and I don't plan on telling her differently," I finally stopped talking. I felt so much lighter, I guess I hadn't really vented about it before.

"Wow, so I guess you don't talk to her now?"

"I wouldn't even if I could, they were arguing and not paying attention to the road, they'd crossed into the wrong lane. Our father swerved to avoid oncoming traffic and went right off the bridge into the water. They didn't survive,"

I woke up, Insoo wasn't next to me. I frowned sitting up, his arm was hanging off the end of the lounge. When had he moved there? I could have sworn he got into the bed last night.

I had a sudden flashback of last night, of me telling him everything I hide. Everything no one else knows.

The game was supposed to help me avoid getting serious. Not have me tell him everything. Is that why he moved to the lounge? Did it scare him off? I mean it's a lot of baggage, what if he decided he doesn't like me anymore?

I rubbed my face getting up, instinctively I made my way to the kitchen and started cooking while my brain started to run through all the doubts.

This is why I don't let myself like guys.

INSOO

I yawned stretching. The lounge was more comfortable than I'd expected it to be, the smell of food greeted me. I sat up yawning again. Jiyeon was pacing around the kitchen as she cooked. She'd cooked enough to feed everyone in the dorm but still, she was cooking more. I was kind of surprised she wasn't hungover.

I stood up and made my way over to the table that doubled as a room divider. Sitting down I waited for her to notice, I was going to go up behind her but she seemed off in her own little world and I didn't want to scare her while she was cooking.

"Oh, morning," she mumbled only glancing at me for a second.

"Are you okay?" I frowned, maybe she was hungover.

"U-huh," she nodded avoiding looking at me. Did I do something wrong?

"You've been busy this morning," I commented.

"Did I wake you up?"

"Oh, no,"

"So was the lounge comfortable?" she sounded bitter. Was that what she was mad at? Because I slept on the lounge instead of in the bed?

"Yeah, I mean it wasn't as comfortable as the bed, but I didn't know if you would want some space or not so I figured that I would just sleep on the lounge in case you wanted to be alone," I explained, her face relaxed.

"Oh, you could have stayed," she shrugged.

"I'll remember that next time,"

"Next time?"

"Unless I'm forbidden from coming back to your apartment?" I smirked.

"Let's eat," she turned off the stove top and places plates in front of me. Handing me a set of chopsticks she sat down across from me.

"So, you like me huh?" I smirked,

"Shut up, you idiot and eat your food," she rolled her eyes but her cheeks were turning a light shade of pink and she was fighting a smile that was tugging at the corners of lips.

"Did you cook me breakfast?" I continued to tease.

"Because you like me?"

"I would like you to shut up and eat," she looked directly at her plate, but she let the smirk slip this time.

"Your wish is my command," I smirked.

"You're an idiot,"

[intothespideyverses]

a modest reinterpretation of “andi’s choice” in c-minor (inspired by a post by @ambimack)

in which bowie ghostwrites a song, andi tries to go ghost on walker, and [insert third awful ghost pun here]: 

so bowie is actually ringing up customers for once at the music store that I figured rarely got business because helloo it’s always damn near empty but I guess today there was a surge of customers seeking out guitar picks and vinyls to show how Cultured and Unique they were for listening to the beatles or whomever. anyway jonah is on his guitar, doing as jonahs are wont to do, and bowie drops the bomb on him with “so yeah remember that music coach I told you about? she hates you. she quite frankly and literally wants you dead. she told me this herself. why didn’t you show up???” and jonah’s like “andi don’t fw me anymore :(” which isn’t rly an answer bc lbr here homeboy was ALREADY running late. you mean to tell me him staring at that painting took 4 whole minutes? nah. 

so anyway bowie’s like “hm let’s change that” bc manipulating your daughter’s emotions behind her back is cool I guess. bowie, totally not projecting in any way whatsoever, suggests that jonah write andi a song. jonah’s not about it tho. “I can’t talk about my feelings!” he says, which is true considering he only just started exhibiting negative emotions for the first time ever last week. bowie goes, “sure u can! what rhymes with back?” and jonah almost says “crack!” bc thats clearly what bowie’s been on for the past 2 episodes but lemme not.

anyway jump to andi @ the spoon and her boo thang who’s not rly her boo thang yet bc terri hates us is facetiming her again. “so andi, my wife whom I would die for, what’s up?” and andi replies “my best friend is moving away :(” so walker, the understanding king he is, goes “aw pick your head up queen, your crown’s falling :’)” and tells her to go be with her friends and something about a bubble machine idk but w/e we still stan.

buffy comes in w/ all the junk the ghc left at her house including a knockoff tamagotchi which seems kinda before andi’s time?? like she was supposedly 7 when she got it which would have been around 2010? but once again w/e we still stan. and buffy reads the recommendation letter cyrus’ mom wrote for him which seemed a tad incomplete. “I can’t believe my mom forgot to add three references, what a waste...” he sighs.

but walker comes in and andi’s like “tf didn’t u just tell me to drink bubble soap and be w/ my friends? what r u doing here?” and walker, the modern day da vinci, says “im here to draw ur friends as a going away present for your fellow queen, buffy” and buffy looks shooketh like hey if andi don’t want him go get him sis! 

so walker draws a louvre level artist rendering of the ghc and instead of appreciating the fact that walker could probably make an exact recreation of the mona lisa, andi’s like “*rolls eyes emoji* *sucks teeth emoji* now i got TWO of these little boys after me what the fuck -_-” but that doesn’t matter bc buffy and cyrus are LIVING for it. 

“im gay so clearly im the better sassy best friend, step tf back bitch”

“the sassy best friend stereotype was made for my black ass cyrus so if you think for even a second I won’t claim my rightful spot you are sadly mistaken”

“let me have this one thing buffy I can’t even say the word gay out loud on this damn show can I at least have this?? can I?”

buffy takes a sip of her virgin margarita and goes...

anyway back at the music shop, jonah has just finished practicing the song bowie ghostwrote for him. jonah’s like “great this is perfect for me to sing outside andi’s window” and bowie quite litcherally flips a table and goes “you rly thought u were gonna pull that corny shit??? what year is it?? 1985 called they want their courtship technique back lol what a loser” and jonah’s like hm perhaps he really is on crack but doesn’t say it out loud bc that would hurt bowie’s feelings :/. bowie says that he already booked jonah to perform at the open mic being held THAT NIGHT lmao and jonah just about has another panic attack bc what??

“what??” he asks bowie who is too busy thinking about him performing “you girl” to bex when they were younger to even remember who jonah even is. jonah’s quite honestly shitting himself and wondering what tf he’s going to do. “being around you” is cute and all but it doesn’t go nearly as hard as andi deserves, especially if he now has to compete with artsy fartsy walker who could probably redo the sistine chapel all by himself if he rly wanted to. “hm..........how can one convey how truly deep in their feelings they are for the one they love?” jonah asks the universe, bc hey it seems to always work for bowie. 

the universe responds by sending a speeding car full of college kids blasting aubrey graham’s newest hit single right into the storefront window. 

“that’s it!” 

jonah’s handing out flyers at the spoon and cyrus literally melts into a puddle and I’m pretty sure this is the first nod to his crush on jonah since he came out to andi wow. andi’s like “since when do u do anything aside from throwing a plastic disc?” and jonah’s like “last week 🤗"

they go to the open mic and some girlie is throwing it DOWN w/ her accordion but bowie being the uncultured swine he is, pulls her off the stage. “anywayyyy here’s our final performance and the only reason we held this show tonight, give a big round of applause to jonah beck!”

jonah walks out with his guitar and an amazon copyrighted product shaped like a portable speaker. bowie’s like 🤨 bc this was supposed to be an acoustic performance tf does he need a backing track for? jonah sits down on his lil stool and clears his throat. “alexa play ‘in my feelings, jonah beck cover’”. the device plays a track consisting of jonah’s angelic backing vocals, and our boy begins to strum his guitar. he opens his mouth to croon...

“trap...trap bowie bowie”

bowie’s chiseled jaw drops to dirty ass music shop floor. “this is...not what I planned.”

“this stuff’s got me in my feelings...gotta be real w/ it...”

the entire audience has a collective heart attack. 

“an-di, do u luv me? r u riding? say you’ll never ever leave from beside me, cause I want ya and I need ya, and I’m down for u always...”

buffy and cyrus catch whiplash from turning so fast to face andi. “the song’s about YOU bitch!”

andi shakes her lil head. “puh-lease, no it’s not”

cyrus, doing his best not to cry, says “he literally just said ur name but go off”

andi’s in denial bc eww j*n*h b*ck? singing a song? for her? disgusting. but jonah keeps singing his little heart out and the lyrics are more and more damning as they go on. 

“trap, trap bowie bowie...I buy you rice on a string cause you not that showy”

“art 101 cause u just like zoey”

“fuck he is singing about me...”

“fudge that netflix and chill what’s ur net-net-net worth?” jonah sings, hitting an impossible high note. queen of vocals. 

“you’re the only one I luv~~~” he serenades, serving us mariah carey level whisper notes. ariana is cancelled! our boy finishes the song, basking in the thought of how many careers he singlehandedly ended by performing at this small hole-in-the-wall music shop in bumfuck, utah. drake your days are numbered sis. 

everyone immediately deserts the shop en masse like did y’all see how fast they all left last episode?? damn. buffy and cyrus stay behind while andi is frozen sitting in her chair bc what the hell does one say to that. 

bowie goes up to jonah and is like “so um...that was...different.” and jonah responds “ikr! see, ‘being around you’ felt too old school, too...2002. idk why that year specifically, but idk it just sounds like it was written in 2002 for a completely different person, maybe even bex, but what do I know? im just your friendly neighborhood jonah beck.” bowie is shook. “anyway, do u think andi liked it?” bowie looks up to see his dorder who he’s more or less forgot about in favor of m*randa and demon child for the past couple of days walking in slow motion to the stage. how she was doing that was beyond him. “well, she looks like she’s about to cry so that’s either a very good thing or a very bad thing. ur on ur own now bud.” and he skidaddles to where bex is waiting. oh yeah bex was in this episode too I forgot. 

andi approaches jonah and he’s like “...so...song....you like?” and andi’s internally screaming bc everyone for the past several weeks has been pushing this relationship on her including jonah himself and now he just sung this song in front of all these ppl and now she pretty much HAS to kiss him so anyway ya she does. 

when she pulls away jonah blinks. “oh...dosche”

THE END. 

will andi finally break up with jonah for good? will jonah avoid copyright infringement for covering a drake song on disney channel? will bowie seek help for his crack addiction? find out next time on dragonball z!