#and he is too much of a people pleaser to deny the gift

[cassiachales]

Love You To The ִ ֶ֢࣪⋆ 𝓜𝓸𝓸𝓷 (And To *ੈ✩‧₊˚𝓢𝓪𝓽𝓾𝓻𝓷)

so i saw this post by @never-enough-novels, and aneesha was looking over my shoulder like "cass, you should totally write for that) so obviously, i did. aneesha, ye aapke lie hai (don't judge i used google translate) also, i know i have fics left. but no one said i can't write a oneshot for my best friend <33

Grayson Hawthorne x Desi!reader (but can also be read as just a reader)

"Do you really have to go?" Grayson asks you, his hands around your waist. You blow a stray lock of your hair off your face, looking at his silver-gray eyes in the mirror.

"I don't really have a choice, jaan."

He scoffs. "They advanced your meeting, love. You don't have to bow to them, or be a people pleaser."

He shifts, and while he keeps one arm on your waist, his body is next to yours instead of behind.

Your kohl-lined eyes widen as your look at him in the eyes. His hair is still ruffled from last night and you can see his (previously neatly pressed) shirt now all ruffled.

Then you raise your hand, filled with bracelets and promise rings, and lay it on his cheek.

He leans into your touch as though it is the only thing grounding him.

He has ways of making you feel special.

"As much as I would like to deny being a people pleaser, I was raised like that. To be the least comfortable person in the room. Best to make everyone happy before I'm happy, right? And Gray," you laugh, a small laugh that lasted all of two seconds, "that's my company. I can't show up late for my own meeting, can I?"

"No one will say anything if you're late for your own meeting, jaan."

Your breath catches.

It's not like it's the first time he's ever used that endearment with you. He's used countless others, too.

But every single time he calls you jaan, you melt. Oh, he loves you, and you love him.

"Only because you'd pull some strings, Gray."

"How good of a fiancé would I be if I didn't want to spend time with my future bride?"

Your lips near his ears, and you whisper, "we spent enough time together last night. Enough that my ancestors are rolling in their graves at the amount of" you gasp, a small, theatrical gasp "time we spent."

Then you pull away, and pretend to ignore his blushing face.

That man was stuck in the regency.

You adjust your scarf, and make sure your earrings are straight before you walk to the dressing table and collect your bag.

Another gift.

He walks to you, and his arms are around your waist again.

You'd noticed that physical touch was his love language. And you liked touch.

"At least give me a kiss before you leave." He says.

Years ago, this wasn't the Grayson Hawthorne you'd met. That man was cold and closed off and never seemed to care.

Then he met you, and you met him. What started as a fake arrangement led to something oh so real that you couldn't even fathom not meeting him in his office to repay that loan your father had taken from his grandfather.

His lips are now near yours, and right before they touch, he stops.

Another thing he always did was ask before he kissed you. Even after years, he asked.

He always asked.

"May I?" He whispered.

"Always." You whisper back, and your lips meet in the middle in a perfect fit.

Like you were always meant to be together.

Like the two of you were two parts of one heart. The two of you'd met with your hearts broken, but they'd broken in perfect pieces.

The broken, shattered piece of his heart fit flawlessly with your torn and splintered one.

The two of you pulled away, and a bit of your lipstick was on his lips, and smudged on yours.

"I love you, you know that, right?" He whispers when your foreheads touch. This moment was tailored just for the two of you.

"Yes. And I love you more."

"Impossible."

"I love you to the moon and back."

You can practically hear his lips quirk up. "I love you to the moon and to Saturn."

"Do you, now?"

"You dare to question the amount of love I have for you?"

You laugh, and you see how his face lights up. "Oh, I don't dare to question you. You're almost always right."

"Almost?"

"Fine, fine, jaan. You're always right."

[mothwingwritings]

A & D for Katsumi Orochi 💕

How did I know you were going to pick Katsumi? ( ▀ ͜͞ʖ▀)

Warnings: Yandere, very brief mentions of noncon, self-harm, and imprisonment (if you squint).

Affection: How do they show their love and affection? How intense would it get?

I feel like Katsumi would be all about making your relationship seem as normal as possible, even though it’s anything but. So he shows his love for you in all the classic ways, like holding your hand when you go out together, or surprising you with small gifts and flowers whenever he comes home. He love to cradle you and kiss you any chance he gets, trying his best not to let it get to him when you try and squirm your way out of his grip, or make a face when his lips collide with your cheek.

To any outsider you look like a normal happy couple, and he likes it that way. It gives him a sense of normalcy, makes it easier to convince himself his ardent feelings for you are pure and natural. His strong desire to keep you by his side at all times, never letting you out of his sight or away from your home without his company, are to be expected-it’s what any good boyfriend would do. If he weren’t there to watch over you who knows what could become of defenseless, sweet, naive you? Really, it's lucky you have such a devoted and protective lover.

Katsumi is a perpetually lovesick puppy around you. The intensity of his affections never wavers, making you feel like a cornered mouse. His overwhelming presence is unbearable, but you are too scared of what he might do if you try and escape or deny him to actually attempt leaving. You sometimes wonder if the people around you can pick up on it, if strangers can tell how constraining his grip is by the grimace on your face, or know how suffocating his company is by how you try and pull away from him. Could anyone ever know just how uncomfortable his seemingly well intentioned little tokens of affection make you feel? It’s as if he is using them as means to keep you indebted to him instead of as a gift directly from his heart, and in a way you know that they are. Katsumi knows you, knows what a sweetheart and people pleaser you are, so he also knows you wouldn’t dream of turning your nose to a heartfelt gift from a man who loves you, right? Of course not, so just keep taking them with that pretty smile on your face, all he asks for in return is your unwavering gratitude (and well, maybe a kiss too).

Darling: Aside from abduction, would they do anything against their darling’s will?

He is definitely not above forcing you to do things against your will, but he really prefers not to. Despite how misguided it is, he truly does love you, and his dream in life is for you to reciprocate that love just as naturally. As such, he hates having to force you to do things because it reminds him that you are with him against your will, that you don’t harbor the same all-encompassing feelings that he has for you. He wants your relationship to be seamless, and he dreams of making the happy façade the outside world sees your reality. He’ll do whatever he can to placate you when you get upset, but he has his limits. If you spend too much time being standoffish or avoiding him he will eventually snap, smothering you and forcing you to give him attention whether you want to or not.

 He’ll beat himself up after these moments of weakness, especially if he takes it too far and ends up hurting you during the tryst. He makes sure to give you space afterwards, he already knows you harbor contempt for him and fears that pushing you too far too often will only make those feelings grow, which is not his intention.

Other than the occasional uncontrollable moment of heated passion, I only feel like he would force you to do something if it was for your own health. If you stopped caring for yourself, or were ever in a position where you may cause yourself harm, he would not hesitate to force you to eat or take your meds, physically overpower you if he ever caught you trying to hurt yourself to get you to stop. Otherwise, he stays in his lane and hopes that all his lovey-dovey desires for the future come to fruition, and that someday soon you are struck by cupid’s arrow. Then you can both have a good laugh over how stubborn you used to be, the ridiculousness of it all nothing but a comedic side note of the past. :)

[daandyli0n]

y'know. realized something.

considering i have a rewrite of Fnaf separate to Golden No Longer (basically just my interpretation of the canon(??) lore with some slight rewritten stuff here and there), i can just. kinda do what i want. i can do whatever i want to rewrite the lore. I Can Add Cool Headcanons And Stuff That Doesn't Entirely Fit With "Canon" Without Worrying.

so anyway. interesting idea i've only seen once but think is cool:

y'know those headcanons where the Afton Family is Big? like, lots of kids, not just the canon three? well, i've seen an interesting version:

Michael's not the Foxybro...

but he's not the crying child, either.

he's just. Another Kid In The Family.

i also like interpretations where the Crying Child is not Only the Vengeful Spirit/The One You Should Not Have Killed, but is also named Cassidy :)

so, just...imagine if you will:

there's a family that lives in a rather quaint house in the woods. A father and his...ungodly amount of kids.

An eldest son, going through...a bit of a phase. Alexander.

A second eldest son, his spitting image. A people-pleaser, yet...also a bit stubborn and determined. Michael.

A middle son, a bookworm. He's rather quiet, but has some of the best grades in the household. Evan.

His only daughter. A daddy's girl through and through, his little angel. He built a hare animatronic, based off of her. Elizabeth.

And his youngest son, his final child. A socially anxious boy who was homeschooled just for that reason. He had been kept home to be protected from bullying. he never anticipated bullying from one of his own sons. a boy William is sure is going to snap some day. Only five years old. Cassidy.

it's a chaotic household, William will not deny that. although if you saw the family from the outside, you would believe it to be controlled chaos. a loving family.

but that...well, in a sense you wouldn't be wrong. William loved his kids, that part they wouldn't argue. but it was...twisted.

their mother had died giving birth to Cassidy. it had been too much strain. her death had changed William. he was paranoid of losing any of children to a similar fate. and so he tried instilling fear into them. your children can't die if they never get in trouble, right?

but in many ways...it backfired. Alexander reacted negatively, taking it out on his siblings. specially Cassidy. and Michael.

things get worse with Elizabeth's death. a freak accident caused by the aforementioned robot. the thing was acting up, and the technician wouldn't be there to fix it until after closing. William had made a rather simple request of his daughter: Don't go near Harriet today. simple as that.

Liz dying brings more problems to the household. Cassidy is practically inconsolable. he starts sneaking out to spend more time at Freddy's, comforted by some kids from Liz's school who feel sympathy for his loss. and Charlie, a girl practically like a sister to him.

then Charlie dies, those kids go missing...

and all Cassidy is left with is the toys left behind as gifts. his favorite being a plush of Fredbear, a final gift from Charlie.

Cassidy turns six that year.

Michael soon comes up with an idea, a way to keep in touch with his homeschooled brother, now traumatized by the deaths and disappearances around him. he sews a small walkie-talkie into the bear's fabric, carrying around a similar one himself that he uses to check in on Cassidy with.

and sure: maybe Michael's being salty towards Alex and his father with the comments he makes to his brother. but hey, he's a comforting presence for Cassidy, and that's what matters, right?

it's a year later,

and Alex's dumbassery has put Cass in the hospital.

Michael doesn't even express anger at his older brother, at his father for not watching them.

he's angry at himself for not paying attention.

Cassidy survives his injuries, surprisingly. he's sent home with the rest of his family to recover for the time being. one of his eyes is fucked up now, and he's almost...eerily quiet on the car ride home, simply clutching that Fredbear plush to him. he wouldn't respond to anyone else but Michael, and even then he'd just give a small smile before continuing to stare ahead.

the doctors warned that damage to the frontal lobe could cause changes to someone's personality. they said he'd probably go back to normal eventually, it'd just take some healing.

so, of course, Cassidy's odd behavior was simply chalked up to the brain damage. his hiding under the bed and in the closet, just odd behavior. his unnatural quietness just a side effect.

but...then his behavior turned more odd. he started talking of the missing children again, when just the mere mention of them prior to The Incident would be enough to send Cassidy to tears. he would be eerily quiet around Alex and Evan, hardly acknowledging their presence. but...he was acting weirdly hostile towards their father. Michael was the only person in the house that actually dared to talk to him. and everything he said? concerning.

"Did you know Gabi hid under the tables that night? She taught me how to do it, or...well, she said "better than she did it," apparently. I think she was doing pretty well."

"I hope when Naomi gets to heaven, that she gets to have that dog she was promised."

"Hey, Mickey? Tell Jeremy that it's okay. Baker wants him to stop beating himself up over it. He didn't know that he'd get taken away."

"Felix is still sad that he didn't get to tell his dad that he loved him. Apparently they had a big fight that day...."

"Kelsey forgave Andrew for leaving him alone, he wants his dad to leave Andy alone. Just...be nice to him, Mike. Andy needs it, really."

"Charlie sang to me. I didn't recognize the song, though...something about a clock..."

it creeps Mike out, but he just assumes it's nothing. some sort of coma dream he had in the hospital. but...his behavior seriously put their father off.

William talks to him alone, but...Cass just seems to hate him now. for seemingly no reason.

one morning as Michael, Alex, and Evan get up, and William gives them the horrible news.

Cassidy died in his sleep last night. suddenly.

Michael is left in shock. Alex hardly reacts, crying quietly, and Evan just leaves the table and hides in his room. they are all shown the gravesite in the woods. Michael lingers the longest.

some nights, Michael returns there, feeling something compelling him to return. he doesn't know what it is, but...he swears he sees flashes of golden yellow from the corner of his vision.

and some nights, he hears his brother's voice coming from the bear again, as though Cassidy were talking to him again.

(he thinks it's Alex, playing a cruel joke on him.

but he lies in bed, sobbing one night as he puts the bear in his room,

and he still hears his brother's voice speaking to him.

and he sounds angry.)

[angelofthepage]

Can you tell us about three of your favourite bits of backstory or character building for any of your OCs? :^)

Anon, you just made my entire day, thank you so much for sending this in! I would be delighted! Gosh, where do I even begin? There's so many ways I could answer this! I mean as the maker of an OC, you're they're number one fan, so there's a lot to love there. How do you pick a favorite part?

Over the last year or so (or at least, since a little before Dark Revival came out), I've let myself have more fun with Bella, an OC from my AU and fic Searching the Depths, and it's been very freeing. One of the biggest parts of her development that's been so fun to explore is just, letting her be a main character instead of denying myself that fun. It's made a world of difference and things are more fun to write now. She's gotten to be a little more frustrated as of late too. Much like Constance in TLO (and really, everyone in TLO), there's a lot of feelings she keeps hidden, but the more she's been exposed to the ink, the worse she's been at stifling her emotions. Turns out she's a very frustrated character who's fallen into the twisted thinking of 'if I just grin and beat it a little longer, it'll all be worth it' instead of taking care of/being honest with herself, and with the ink stripping her of a lot of her patience, that's harder to do. Same with lying. While working on my recent draft of Richard the Keeper, I've learned she has a really difficult time lying to Richard and Sammy. Truth by technicality, she can do, but straight up lying has become harder. I think these are some of the reasons why she and Sammy can relate. They were both people pleasers on different ends of the spectrum, and even though they butt heads, deep down they get that it's hard to function when those around you aren't meshing with how you do things.

In terms of backstory, here's one I don't get to talk about much: when I originally made Bella, she was an accident. She was my character for an RP blog my friend Margin used to run, Samsamthebandman. I hadn't roleplayed in a long time when we started doing stuff together, I was rusty and hadn't had a partner that let me contribute to the plot in any meaningful way in years. So Bella was a safe testing ground, and I'm glad I got to do that. Some of what we did there stuck when I went to develop my own stuff. Bella having a librarian friend named Cherie? That's canon to Depths, in fact Cherie is a lot more important than anyone knows just yet. I've mentioned her briefly in-fic, but just wait until you meet her. XD Same with Fiero, the candlestick toon, he was made around the same time and has stuck with me since. Bella being close to Sammy and seeing him as family was also a major takeaway from this.

Besides that, I'm pretty sure this is where the importance of the hat came from. Bella has this pageboy hat, which is based off of a hat I own. It was a gift from my senior ball date of all people, and I wore it a lot in college when I was having a bad hair day. X'''D The hat in-story was a gift from her father who passed away, and she's never without it for very long. Now, if you've seen anything with my art fight this year, you may have noticed that Bella has these massive sheep horns now (which have an amazing backstory let me tell you, please someone ask me about it it's SO FUN), so she's not wearing a hat anymore. Or at least, not on her head. The hat now lives tied to her belt loop, or in her hammerspace, always on her but in a different way.

Last note, I think one of the things I really love about her right now is the design upgrade. Like giving her curls and letting her be sheepy to match her name was great and I love it. But also, I love her name. The reason her name is Bella Ewe is so her signature can be B. Ewe, which out loud sounds like Be You. And ultimately, that's what her story is about, finding an identity for herself within the ink realm and moving forward from the death of her father. She has changed herself so much to fit what other people want or need her to be, that somewhere along the way, she got lost and doesn't know who she is anymore. In going on this journey with Sammy, Jack, and the rest of her new friends in the cycle, she's finding herself, not just existing to fill a gap in the group, but existing as the person she is, finding that she can be helpful and make a difference and still be Bella. And along the way, she gets to learn that Bella is a person worth loving, even when she's difficult, even when she isn't perfect, even when she breaks down.

That's been really valuable to write, and for me as a person, valuable to learn. Like, I don't get into it much, but I'm someone that spent a really long time feeling pretty worthless and unwanted, and moving forward from that has been really hard, but also rewarding to fight through. Bella isn't a self insert anymore, I've learned that we're very different people all things considered, but working on her has been healing for me. It means so much to me when people tell me they enjoy hearing about her and her story, that they think I have good ideas not just with Depths, but with all kinds of niche things in this fandom. I'm still shocked by the number of art fight attacks I got that were of her out of all the characters I put up this year, the number of kind comments about how cool her design is blew me away. Thank you guys for enjoying my silly little OC. She's my sheepy daughter, and I love her so much. It's nice to be allowed to talk about her. A few years ago I would've been told to shut up about something like this, expected to listen but never partake in the conversation. Now I get to share this part of what I do with all of you, and you're so kind about it. That's ultimately one of my favorite parts of all my OCs, I'm not the only one who enjoys them anymore.

[henriiiii-1001old]

OHHHHH THIS SOUNDS SO SO COOL

REALLY INTERESTED IN. RUTH DAVE AND PUPPET SPECIFICALLY. THIS SEEMS REALLY NEAT

AAAAA TYTY!!!!! uuhhh i can talk abt them real quick!!!!

dave is the easiest to talk abt so lemme start w him: dave is your local trans uncle of the heathcliffs! super kind, super funny, just your average joe (or average dave i guess). his happy persona, however, is partly a facade to lead people into thinking he's completely fine. everything started crumbling for him once the alternates took mark away, but he just tried denying it and went on with life.

then sarah started getting extremely aggressive and didnt talk to him for a good few years. he ignored that too. he ignored thatcher's growing alcohol problems as well as his overall declining mental state. and he even started ignoring when six would randomly stop by to torment him for fun, just trying to get him out by always using the excuse of "i'm recording, don't disturb me". the nail hit the coffin when puppet stopped by and told him "hey, you havent seen ruth a lot lately have you?" and dave realizes she's in danger. how could he have been so neglectful and ignorant of reality that he didn't even notice one of his best friends is missing and she's most likely hurt in some way?

ruth comes next: ruth as i said in the previous post grew up in a house life in which all her family members and old friends thought of her to look like your typical submissive woman. because of this, she adopted some submissive tendencies, especially her fawning and people pleasing. however, she grew up to be a strong, kind, confident woman who takes initiative in her life... at least, while she's a police officer.

she doesnt show it much but she is definitely a people pleaser. she'll do whatever it takes to not be left behind. she's especially fearful or either thatcher or dave leaving the county due to the alternates and that they'd leave without her (which never happened thankfully). her fawning definitely came into play once she realized the thatcher she was keeping in her home was an alternate, one who she met back in '92 when she was investigating the murray house.

she does eventually escape her situation but not without passing out in the middle of nowhere due to being stabbed before booking it out of her house. thankfully, eden found her and took her to a hospital. she reunited with the real thatcher there, but she still feared being around someone who looked like the thing that had taken advantage of her kindness and made her suffer with the psychological scars that he gave her.

puppet........ oh boy he's my fucked up little man CFVGBHN

boy started out as a favorite of gabriel's, the supposed "perfect copy" type of alternate that he had wanted for so long. he turned out to be some freak obsessed with replacing thatcher so much he'd literally overthrow gabriel just to do it and even keep ruth alive for his sadistic wants.

he at first thought he was experiencing the emotions of love, compassion, genuine concern, etc. he however twisted it into a manipulative, degrading charm to keep ruth from running from him. he also liked to give her the nickname "fawn" because of her fawning tendencies. he also even carved sketches of angel wings into her back to make her look more "pure and holy, like an angel should be" which absolutely terrified her since she was a woman of faith.

but ruth wasn't his only victim: as i mentioned before he's fucked around w/ dave before, and he mainly messed with thatcher (usually while he was so drunk he wouldn't even remember what happened or be aware of his surroundings).

he uuhhh also has a tendency of not wanting to stand in the corner f your room and wait for you to do something but will grab the nearest item and kill you with it? which is not alternate protocol in the unholy gift universe FGBHNJM

this all starts to upset gabriel, who even favors ruth due to an encounter he had with her where she pretended to die to escape puppet in the murray house. he tries telling him to get on the fridge but he throws gabriel onto the fridge instead basically FGHNJM

aaaaa imma stop here my brain is tired LMAO

[mobscene-london]

BASIC INFORMATION:

NAME: Samar Sehgal. AGE: 37. PLACE OF BIRTH: London, United Kingdom. AFFILIATION: Neutral. OCCUPATION: Investigative journalist at The London Advocate. FACE CLAIM: Rahul Kohli. AVAILABILITY: TAKEN.

BIOGRAPHY:

It truly was a gift to be able to manage such an endearing personality whilst simultaneously incurring the wrath of so many of those who resided in his city.

It was part of the territory that came with working for such an influential newspaper, no doubt, and he somewhat prided himself in not taking any of the hostility toward him personally...even on the occasions when it was definitely meant to be. It was exactly that kind of laid-back attitude with regards to public opinion that often got him into trouble. Still, those who didn’t feel the urge to punch him in the face on sight—and perhaps even some of those who did—could not deny the respect he was owed for his absolute genuineness in a world that frequently lacked it.

Growing up, it had been heavily reiterated to him how important his family status was. The Sehgal name meant something in London. They were parents consumed by the idea of being socially superior to everyone else and the thought both puzzled and irritated him, purely because he couldn’t understand why it appealed to them in the first place. Instead, he chose to focus on the only thing his father cared about more than his reputation: the London Advocate. Since its formation at his hands, it’d garnered a reputation almost as respected as the man behind it. Both Samar and his sister, Rama, had been subject to nudges toward a life of journalism by a father desperate to sustain his legacy. Unfortunately for the disappointed parents, his sibling wanted little to do with the paper, but Samar, at least, saved their sanity with an undeniable skill with written word.

It was as if he was born to grow into his father’s shoes. Whilst he could pick flaws in the older man’s obsession with social status and material wealth all day long, his skill and dedication to something he truly believed in—honest journalism—was something he could certainly admire.

Whether it was because he’d been so suffocated by properness and etiquette as a child, he didn’t know, but as soon as he moved into his teenage years, Samar quickly discovered that his own brand of charm was a lot more fun than the kind his family forced. Naturally outgoing, self-confident, and on occasion, socially inappropriate, a personality that didn’t quite match the name that loomed over his head proved to have divisive outcomes. People either fell in love with him or wanted to punch him in the throat with very little room for a grey area. Samar liked to tell both himself and those who so ardently despised him that it was, at least, better than being boring.

The boy was a magnet for questionable verbal exchanges, and if there was something on his mind, regardless of whether it was appropriate to share, he rarely held back. Life was too short to sit and politely smile for the cameras like his cousin Diana. What was the point in being a people pleaser when honesty was so much more satisfying? Twice whilst attending Cambridge University, he found himself in handcuffs for protesting a little too aggressively for the causes closest to his heart. Samar didn’t care. Just as he didn’t care when a verbal altercation with a professor misappropriating university funds had ended up physical enough that the younger man was hospitalised. At least he'd gotten a damn good story for his efforts, eh?

Although his family were notably irked by his ‘irresponsible’ behaviour—embarrassing was not even the word, as they so often liked to remind him—it mattered little. Not because he enjoyed drawing bad press against their prestigious name, but because he had strong moral obligations, and he wouldn’t let anything get in the way of fulfilling them.

When he left school—equipped with both an impressive degree, and a reputation for being an absolute pain in the ass—he started work at his father’s newspaper. Samar knew he was lucky, because with all of the drama that seemed to follow him, being accepted anywhere else to even get a chance to prove himself seemed unlikely. It was only when he finally fell into his stride that people began to appreciate that the outspoken, rebellious youth wasn’t all for show. Samar absolutely knew what he was talking about, and his talent surpassed so many others that’d been in their positions for years, the Advocate would’ve been crazy not to keep him around.

In spite of unavoidable criticism, nepotism this was not.

For the most part, until his professional focus switched to the one story the British public craved more than any other, Samar kept himself involved with the political side of London because the connections and interest came naturally. So many of the Sehgals were involved by default; ushered into a political career because it was expected of them. His uncle had been the Mayor of London, his mother, a Greater London MP. Whilst his cousin was out there exploiting the scandals in the personal lives of the city’s political titans—not something he necessarily disapproved of if they deserved it—Samar focused on exposing hypocrisy and lies in government. Unsurprisingly, he was nobody’s favourite person, but even less surprisingly, he didn’t give a shit as long as he was getting the truth out there.

When the HCA’s attacks on London began to skyrocket in frequency, however, an anonymous tip that’d suggested to him the terrorist organization had connections to the Russian mob—a group that was now potentially operating in London—had him jumping at the story without hesitation. The British public, living in a constant state of fear of what was to come, craved knowledge about the threat that loomed overheard every damn day, and Samar would do his best to keep them educated on the dangers ahead. Would continue to put pressure on the same government he’d already spent decades hounding to tackle the problem in a worthwhile way.

What Samar couldn’t begin to realise, though, was how dangerous the thread he’d pulled really was.

Deep-diving into the Russian mob’s operations in London was distressing in itself; more so, their potential connections to the Russian President, influential businesspeople in London…and the fucking Rutherfords, if some of his political sources were to be believed. Samar knew better than most how much power the British family wielded over the city, and he knew that taking one wrong step around them could get him black-listed aggressively enough to pressure even his own father into taking a stand. But as has always been the case, there’s just something in him that can’t let it go until he gets to the bottom of things.

What’s a little casual danger in provoking terrorists groups, British institutions, and the literal fucking Russian mafia, eh..?

They might be able to intimidate some into keeping their mouths shut.

Samar won’t be one of them.

SOCIAL CONNECTIONS:

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Single. FAMILY: Diana Sehgal (cousin) CONNECTIONS:

Diana Sehgal: Cousin. Though their family is fucking huge, Diana is by far his favourite cousin. The two of them were practically joined at the hip as kids, always finding a way to cause trouble together; usually by way of pissing off their parents. Samar knows how well-connected she is to the Rutherford family, and whilst he won’t exploit that to further his investigation into their potential connections to the Russians, he does worry more for her than himself that there may be repercussions when he eventually decides to share his investigation with the public.

Spencer Berkeley: Good friend. The two originally met whilst Spencer was working as a journalist for The Spectator. Samar hadn’t thought too highly of him back then, mostly because he always deemed the magazine to be propaganda for the Conservative Party, therefore he’d always questioned his integrity as a reporter/contributor. As Spencer stepped into politics, however, things changed quickly. Samar appreciates their shared brutal honesty, and ‘I don’t give a fuck’ attitudes. He sure doesn’t go easy on him in the paper if he steps out of line, but both of them know how to draw the divide between professional and personal relationship. Samar sees him as one of his better friends.

Cassandra Acton: Source. Even though they’d met a few times because of a shared social circle with Diana, it wasn’t until he began pursuing the HCA’s connections to the Russian mob that they were properly introduced. Cassandra had been pursuing the same line of questioning in government, even heading up a parliamentary committee to investigate the connection between organised crime and terrorism in London, and as such, she became an invaluable source to him. Little did he know, she would eventually be the one to spill the information about the Rutherfords playing their own part in the mess...

Margaret Huang: Colleague/good friend. There is no rivalry in the Advocate’s office quite like theirs. Both veterans at the paper, the two are always scrambling to get the best story, and in turn, the best reviews from their editors. That said, the competition is mostly good-natured, and if she ever needs his help, he’s always more than happy to be an ear. Samar appreciates her talent as a journalist, but has also grown to appreciate her friendship just as much. Margaret has started showing interest in what he’s working on, and whilst he typically doesn’t mind sharing to use her as a sounding-board for his ideas and lines of questioning, this time he’s concerned that pulling her into it could wind up dangerous.

[sleeping-on-cracking-ice]

hey, could you do a sfw alphabet for chota? thank you!

Yep of course! Here you go! ❤

SFW Alphabet | Chota Segawa

{Alice In Borderland Masterlist}

Character: Chota

Genre: fluff

A - Affection

(How affectionate are they? How would they show affection?)

Chota would really enjoy affection

He would try to get it from you at any chance he gets

His love language is probably physical touch, so there isn’t really a time when he’s not attached to your side

When you first started dating, he would have been really cautious about affection

He would hate making you uncomfortable, literally his worst fear

But over time, he would grow so much more confident and always be looking to hold you close whenever he can

B - Best Friend

(How would they be as a best friend?)

He’s the type of friend that seems both smart and dumb at the same time

Like he is really academically smart, but he would give the worst advice ever

He’s the comfort friend, so it would be so easy to find peace with him

He’d be constantly checking up on you and asking if you were eating well and looking after yourself

Mum friend vibes, but also dumb brother vibes

He’d be such a good study partner though

But it would be so hard to get stuff done because you would distract each other too much

C - Cuddles

(Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

LOVES cuddles

Literally the highlight of his entire day is when he can lay down with you on your shared bed and snuggle close

He gives off little spoon vibes, so he would love it if you cuddled with him facing away from you and your chest against his back

But even when your sitting on the couch trying to do work, he would sit next to you and just rest his head on your shoulder for a little while

He would never get sick of cuddles from you

D - Domestic

(Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking at cleaning?)

He’d probably act like he was your husband from day one of dating

He just emits that domestic vibe

And you can’t convince me otherwise, he is such a good cook

You never know where he got it from, because his mother never really taught him

But he would always insist that he cooked dinner for you both while you relaxed

Cleaning wise, he would hate it so much, but he would hate everything being dirty even more

So when he’s cleaning, he would get annoyed about it

Sometimes you would just tell him that you would do it just to save him the annoyance

E - Ending

(If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

I think he would actually hate breakups more than anything

He’s a sensitive person, so he would struggle a lot when it came to breaking up with his S/O

If he had to end it, it would literally take him months to say something

He’s a people pleaser, so he would absolutely hate making you upset or seeing you cry

If you broke up with him, he would be torn

He would start doubting himself, wondering if he’s good enough and think about why you didn’t love him enough

He would be quiet and upset for a few months, but after slowly getting himself back on his feet, he would eventually be okay again

F - Fiancé(e)

(How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

He would be very committed to you

And would literally dream of making you his wife/husband/spouse

Would always bring the idea of marriage up to you

So you would always know that he really wants to get married

He just loves the thought of growing old together and being devoted to one person for the rest of his life

G - Gentle

(How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

Gentle in both ways, never would be insensitive

He treats you so carefully, physically especially

Even if he just bumped into you accidentally, he would be hugging you and apologizing

(Probably just another excuse to hug you)

I also have the feeling that he’s just amazing when it comes to other people’s feelings, especially yours

Always knows what to say and when to say it

Of course, he would enjoy a few teasing jokes every now and then, but he would never step over the line

H - Hugs

(Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

He would adore hugs

He would never be able to get enough of your hugs

So any chance he gets, he would be as cuddly as possible

His cuddles would be super tight

Like you would have to pry his arms off of you

I - I Love You

(How fast do they say the L-word?)

He would say it rather fast

He fell for you very easily, so he would want to express his intense feelings for you as soon as possible

So he would blurt it out on your 3rd or 4th date

You would be leaning on a railing together, looking out into the ocean at night with your head leaning on his shoulder

He would sigh and blurt it out so naturally, but when he realised what he said he would smack his hand over his mouth

But after you said it back he would be so relieved

��Oh my god, I was so scared I freaked you out!”

J - Jealousy

(How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)

He definitely is such a jealous person

But he’s the silent jealous, so he would never really speak up to you about it

He would hate to make you feel like he was mad at you or being possessive of you

But it would be small things like you spending a bit too much time with Arisu or Karube that he would get upset about

But of course he hides it, playing it off like he doesn’t care

K - Kisses

(What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

He would prefer hugs over kisses, but he would never deny one of your kisses

His kisses would be super simple and domestic

Like a simple peck when one of you is leaving the house

Or a few kisses before the both of you fall asleep in one another’s eyes

He would like kissing you on your cheeks mostly

But he would literally melt if you kissed his nose

Big blushes from him

L - Little Ones

(How are they around children?)

He would absolutely love kids

He would be such a good dad, you can’t convince me otherwise

He could play with kids for hours

And he has such a playful and loving personality, so they would be naturally drawn to him

He’d fall victim to their teasing sometimes though

Probably wants a lot of kids of his own, only if you want to

M - Morning

(How are mornings spent with them?)

He’s a morning person

So he wakes up so energetic and ready to start the day

Always tries to make you wake up with him

If you aren’t a morning person, be ready for him to catapult himself on top of you every morning to try and wake you

“Get up! It’s already nine-thirty and I’m bored without you!”

Makes breakfast for you every morning

N - Night

(How are nights spent with them?)

I think he would try his best to go to bed early, but would always fail

He has a lot of trouble getting to sleep, so he would always ask you to scratch his head or run your hands along his arms to hopefully help him

He would really love having deep conversations at night with you though

While he’s half asleep, he kind of just says whatever is on his mind

So sometimes he would forget what he admits to you by morning

O - Open

(When would they start revealing things about themselves?)

He’d be super open

He gives off the vibes that he just doesn’t care about hiding things from people

So if someone asked him about his personal life, he would answer truthfully (unless it was something super personal)

He’d want your relationship to be open and honest, so he wouldn’t hide any aspect of himself from you

From the start, he would have been 100% honest

P - Patience

(How easily angered are they?)

He seems like the type to be super neutral in arguments

He’s somewhat a mediator, so he would hate when people fought

So due to this, he would hate starting arguments as well

If he’s angry about something, he would keep it to himself until he saw the right moment to express his concern

Wants to sort things out maturely, not in a screaming match

Q - Quizzes

(How much do they remember about you?)

I have a feeling he’s quite forgetful

He would always have to remind himself of your favourite foods, or your family members names when you go to family gatherings together

He tries so hard to remember, but it’s just not his strong point

You guys would always laugh about it, especially if it was something super obvious about you that he forgot

R - Remember

(What is their favourite moment in your relationship?)

His favourite moment would be when you spent a night together in an huge arcade

He’s not the biggest gamer (no where near like Arisu), so he would find it so funny when you beat him in all the games

He would cherish this moment in your relationship because it was the date he asked you to be his girlfriend

You had such a nice and fun night together, eventually leaving the arcade and buying drinks at a bar

So how could you deny him when he treated you so much

S - Security

(How protective are they? How would they protect you?)

He’s not that protective

I mean he’s not the bravest person in the world, so he would be as nervous as you in such situations

He would try his best to always make sure you were safe, but he would also have a lot of faith in the fact that you could look after yourself

He would hate to make you feel like he was being overprotective, because he knows some people get offended by it

But he would do the usual, if you go out at night by yourself you would share your location with him

And if he was walking somewhere quiet and sort of sketchy with you, he would keep a hold on your hand

T - Try

(How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

A lot of effort

Literally his favourite gift to give you would be flowers though

There would always be a bunch of flowers in your house from him

For anniversaries, he would always book out expensive restaurants to go to with you

Gifts wise, he would buy you so much stuff

Even just on random occasions like you had a bad day, he would go out and buy you a new necklace or something just as an act of kindness

U - Ugly

(What would be some bad habits of theirs?)

He can be overly critical about himself

He’s definitely the type to believe he can’t do something if he’s not perfect at it the first time

Beats himself up about failing a lot of the time

So you would have to reassure him that he was doing okay

Sometimes he’s hard to comfort, because he’s the type to want to be alone when he’s upset

V - Vanity

(How concerned are they with their looks?)

He’s quite concerned

Not incredibly, but he would sometimes be worried about not looking good enough for you

It would be an impulsive thought that would hit in at the most random of times

But you would instantly know

Because he goes quiet and fiddles with his clothes to distract himself

Usually shakes it off rather quick

W - Whole

(Would they feel incomplete without you?)

He would definitely be quite dependant on you

Not a huge amount, but he would feel quite lost in terms of emotions and personal connection if he had to be separated from you

If you had to go away or something, he would count down the days he got to see you again

And would call you everyday to talk to you and tell you about his day

But overall, he’s more emotionally attached to you than he’s aware of

X - Xtra

(A random headcanon for them.)

He’s such a workaholic

Sometimes you would have to drag him from his work desk to make him go to sleep

But he always says that he needs to do more, even if what he’s working on isn’t due for the next few weeks

It’s really bad though

He would sometimes neglect his mental health if he was bombarded with a lot of work

You’d always have to snap him out of it and keep an eye on him when it got too much

Y - Yuck

(What would be some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

He needs a partner with the same humour as him

He has such a weird humour, so you would need to understand it for it to be funny

It’s more enjoyable anyway when no one else around you understands what you’re laughing at

In general, he’s super picky with foods

Literally wouldn’t eat some foods if they just didn’t look right to him

Z - Zzz

(What is a sleep habit of theirs?)

The deepest sleeper you will ever encounter

A bomb could go off outside his window and he wouldn’t even realise until the next morning

You would get so frustrated about waking him up when you need to

He could sleep through 7 alarms, all playing at once

Only way to wake him up is to throw your entire body weight on top of him, which always gives him a great, panicky start to the day

SFW Alphabet Template

[melody-ofstars]

Hellooo! Hope I'm not intruding, I'd like to join your event please!

I am a straight girl, and I would like a matchup for BNHA please! My song would be If You Love Her by Forest Blakk

I am incredibly indecisive, an INFJ, and my love languages are acts of service and gift giving. I am a people pleaser but I would rather not be. I also have difficulty saying no to people.

I love natural colors like green, blue, brown, and even a golden hued yellow. I like trying out new things but only with friends because I'm afraid someone will judge me. I like night time and am a night owl, and I prefer chilly or cold weather. I love lilies and reading- specifically fictional and mystery genres.

I dislike neons- they hurt my eyes, big crowds, impromptu social interaction, unplanned events and fake people. I dislike when people intrude my alone time, or someone interrupts something I consider important.

Some of my hobbies are crocheting, playing the piano, listening to music, and biking.

I hope it isn't too much or lacking! Thank you and congrats!

The loveliest gardens, and the rarest of creatures

~~~

Don't worry you are not intruding and THANKS!!! And also, take care of yourself and stay hydrated.

Oh and btw, there might be grammatical errors below... I did not go through it, hehe 😅

I match you with...

☽︎ Sero Hanta ☾︎

Sero and you, sounds like perfection tbh.

This man is so awesome and such a gentleman I stg, he is too good.

He takes care of you, he makes sure that you are comfortble

He keeps the things that you dislike, away from you.

He loves to give you gifts and show you that he cares through different actions.

He loves to try out new things with you.

He lives jamming with you, both of you getting crazy and listening to music.

He loves to hear you play the piano, it calms him and clears his mind.

He loves to cuddle with you in winters, and makes hot chocolate for you while you read your books.

He loves it when you say, 'Just a minute more!' while reading a book, only to stop after an hour.

He knows that you have trouble saying no, so he does that for you.

He is working on trying to get the habit of pleasing people out of you.

Will bring you flowers because they reminded him of you.

Will randomly buy books for you and some book merch too.

I love her, That was the only thought going through Sero's mind as he ran towards your house,

Everything reminded him of you, especially today. It was as if, everything had your essence in it, whether it is the lilies growing in the quiet and green corner of the sidewalk, or the natural hues that surrounded him or the book that a random stranger was reading...

He smiled as he thought more and more about it, yes, he was in love with you, there was no denying that and all he wanted to do was to run over to you and tell you about this discovery.

He didn't know whether you loved him or not but he knew that he was important to you. How could he not? It was too obvious.

No, it wasn't love at first sight or anything even near it, it was slow, steady, and gradual... It was not one big, epic moment but rather small and the ones that didn't seem of much importance when they took place.

It was you slowly learning to be yourself

It was you slowly learning to care about yourself, and not others.

It was you asking for cuddles when you couldn't sleep, only to doze off instantly as soon as he wrapped his arms around you.

It was you and him jamming to the most random songs together, even if you didn't know the lyrics,

It was you watching trashy shows and movies to make fun of them.

It was you hiding small notes of affection in his hero suit, fir him to find later.

It was you cooing and gushing over at every baby or animal that you saw passing by,

It was you bringing something or the other for him while he was busy or had a rough day...

It was you blushing and getting flustered over any compliment you got, especially when it was from him.

It was how you cared about everyone around you, and were ready to help them all at any given moment.

These small yet significant details about you were the ones that got him head over heels for you.

He came to stop and caught up with his breath, before slowly knocking at your door.

"Coming!" He heard your melodic voice chime through the house, and smiled instantly.

A while later the door opened to reveal you, standing over there with a big grin etched on your face.

Your hair was open and lying on your shoulders, with a few strands sticking to your face.

"Hanta!" You said and pulled him into a hug, which caused his heartbeat to speed up but he hugged you back, nonetheless.

You pulled back and he pressed a kiss on your forehead, an action he knew you adored.

You gestured him inside and closed the door,

"I was about to call you to ask where you were. You had me worried for a second." You said as you sat on the couch, with him following your lead.

He did not say anything and you started to get worried,

"Hanta, is everything okay?" You asked, keeping your hand over his, your eyes searching his face for any worry.

"Y/n, I..." He started, getting off the couch and in front of you, crouching to meet your gaze.

"Hanta, you're scaring me..." You whisper,

"You have been by my side, through it all... You never stop to support me, you take care of me when I don't take care of myself... You never judge me... You make me feel important... Y/n, what I am trying to say is that...

"You are the best thing that has happened to me, in a very long time. You are the most beautiful, the most caring, the craziest, and the most amazing person I have ever met and I want to save that...

"I am in love with you, Y/n and I don't plan on stopping, not ever."

Hearing him say that had to be the best thing you have ever heard anyone say. It made your heart pick up its pace, every new beat sending a wave of thrill and love through your body,

"It's okay if you don't love me back, I don't want to pressure you or anything." He quickly said,

"I love you too, Hanta... I have been in live with you for a very long time now..." You confessed,

"You do?" He asked, his eyes shining with happiness.

You nodded and he let out a squeal which made you laugh.

"Can I kiss you, right now?" He asked,

You nodded happily and leaned towards him as he did the same, pressing his lips on yours, kissing you so passionately, that you felt fireworks going off in your body. You didn't want it to end though, so you pulled him closer, your hands wrapping around his neck while his rested on your waist.

Sero was the happiest, he had ever been in his life. He wanted to hold you close, always. He wanted to protect you, to nurture you. He wanted to protect your fragile heart that you had handed over to him...

He wanted to show you that he cared, he wanted to show you that he loved you.

[soukokuwu]

ADA!DAZAI OSAMU

》 angst angst angst (dazai x reader)

》 trigger warnings! death/suicide, talks of sexual abuse

》 word count: 3k

》 i had no idea it would turn out this long, i tried my best to cut out some stuff, sorry if this isn’t great, 🥺

“come back. even as a shadow, even as a dream.”

You were always smiling. That so, very infectious smile of yours. You were also sickeningly sweet, as though every word that spilled out of your mouth was laced with sugar. In the Armed Detective Agency, it was as though you were everyone’s happy pill. You were but a mere assistant, assisting in adhoc tasks whenever it was asked of you. Still, you made it a point to make a friend of everyone, making sure they had everything they needed, even if they hadn’t asked for it.

That was how observant you were. Dazai remembered the first week you were there, he had been chided by Kunikida to finish up a case report, and since Atsushi was nowhere around, he had no choice but to finish it up himself. The sun was setting, and although you were usually gone by then, he found a cup of coffee being placed on his desk.

He remembered looking up at you, and you wore that same smile you had on the first day Naomi introduced you to everyone. That beautiful smile, the one he could never forget. You had your bag slung over your shoulder, making quite a notable crease on your shirt. You must have been about to leave, but noticed him working, so you went to brew a new pot of coffee just for him, Dazai had thought to himself, seeing as the coffee had usually been depleted by this time of day.

So sickeningly sweet.

“Ah, belladonna,” Dazai had cooed, grabbing your hand in his before you could manage to get away. “Does this mean you are the one to commit a double suicide with me?”

He had expected a fully submissive reply, maybe a ‘Why, yes, of course,’ or at least a full out denial, something along the lines of ‘Are you crazy, Dazai?’ It had been your first actual conversation after all.

“Only if the circumstances are right,” you had said.

Then, gently, you pulled your hand from his and turned to leave. And just like the colourful sunset, he watched you gradually fade away.

➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶

The next time the two of you interacted, it was two weeks after your first. It was Kyouka’s birthday and the entire office was decorated for a celebration. Dazai wasn’t one for celebrations, and would usually be the first to leave, but at the time he felt compelled to stay. You intrigued him, after all. Although it didn’t make for much progress, since the two of you just calmly sipped champagne in the corner, exchanging small talk about the chaos unfolding in front of your eyes, slightly buzzed.

➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶

One day, Dazai was pouting over what Kunikida did earlier on one of their missions– he had thrown his favourite book The Complete Guide To Suicide into the river, and dragged him along as he pursued after the criminal, much as Dazai wanted to jump in to retrieve it. “All I did was recite different forms of suicide as we were working,” Dazai whined, to which Kunikida, who was seated opposite from him, just rolled his eyes. “You’re gonna get me a new one.”

“In your dreams, it’s just a stupid book.”

“But the store doesn’t have it anymore! You’re gonna print me one!”

To which Kunikida paid no mind.

But there you appeared, giggling and handing Dazai a box of sweets. “Here, maybe these will make you feel better.”

He popped one in his mouth. “Yes, they really do. Thank you, my belladonna, my saviour!” Dazai made it a point to be overdramatic as usual.

Of course, it didn’t, really. They’re just sweets, how could they make him feel better? But he said so, all the same, if only to just see the content smile you flashed at him, thinking you had succeeded.

➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶

Christmas rolled around, and Dazai had planned to leave early, being tired from the recent jobs. He didn’t feel like celebrating with everyone else. But just as he set one foot out the door, he felt someone poke at his back.

He turned, only to find you holding out a black gift box, tightened with a golden bow. It felt a little heavy. “Thought you might like this,” you had whispered in his ear before you went back to join the others.

Dazai got home, happier than ever. Why did you do this? He couldn’t contain himself and had opened the box right after he left the building. He didn’t even realise that he practically skipped home the entire time after that. With a spring in his step, he entered the apartment, turned on the lights, took a quick shower and laid belly down on the tatami. Humming to himself, he pulled out the gifts: three small bottles of sake and his favourite book.

➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶

He found himself softening up around you after that, comfortable enough to actually want to consider you an actual friend. He felt a genuine niceness from you, and he couldn’t reject that, as much as he thought that he didn’t deserve it. As the months passed, everyone else in the ADA got around to calling you two ‘best friends’ or more so, ‘troublemakers’.

“You have totally brought her astray, idiot,” was Kunikida’s most-used phrase.

Dazai denied, thinking it was only partly correct. True, you were easy to get along with, and so you always played along with whatever Dazai had planned, which consisted of having fun in the office, mainly pranking his blonde partner. But you were still you. Still the same, eager-to-please, sickeningly sweet girl that entered their lives months ago. It was not a crime to be playful, and gradually, he found himself feeling a little... lighter.

You were a passive person, always giving in to other people. But as much as you were predictable in various situations, in many others, Dazai could not, for the life of him, ever guess the meaning behind your actions. He would never get bored talking to you, and he liked it very much, even though sometimes he would complain about ‘not knowing who you really were’, given that you barely ever talked about yourself.

➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶

Soon, the two of you got closer, having dinners together in either your’s or his apartment, only leaving when one of you was completely tired. It was as though the two of you were inseparable. But the moment Dazai caught on that you were falling quick for him, while at the same time ignoring his own growing feelings, he reminded himself time and again, this was as far as he would ever go.

This meant times where he would purposely make you feel as though he could care less. But other times made you feel like the luckiest girl in the world. Nothing that ever crossed the line of friendship, though. No, that would be much too complicated for Dazai.

➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶

One day he got mad at you, more so due to his own frustration than anything else. You had appeared at the cemetery, holding a bouquet of flowers and holding them out to him. All he could think of at that moment was: What the fuck? Who’re those for? The friend he was visiting? It was the anniversary of his death for Christ‘s sake, Dazai just wanted to be alone. That did not translate into a friendly mood for him.

He got up from the grass and shot you a mean glare. “Please don’t offer me anything for my friend, it’s not like you knew him. Would it kill you to respect boundaries for once and stop being an insufferable people-pleaser?”

So that day he left you standing at the foot of his one true friend’s grave, wondering what you did wrong.

➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶

The house visits ended. So did your dinners. The weight on Dazai’s shoulders felt heavy again. He felt bad for lashing out at you, and even more for not apologising for it, but truth be told, he thought this was probably for the best. Maybe you’d get over your little crush this way, since Dazai would probably never initiate anything anyway. Yes, this was good for you, he convinced himself.

➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶

A few nights later, the screaming started. A man yelled back, though Dazai couldn’t quite make out what he said. He heard the door slamming, hurried footsteps running past his apartment door. This continued for a few more nights.

➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶

One night, curiosity got the better of him, and he knocked at your door.

“Are you in there? Is everything okay?”

A moment of silence.

“Go away.”

Dazai cursed under his breath, wishing that the other ADA members hadn’t gone out to dinner so late. Now what?

➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶

The next day, he was determined. Whatever it was, it sounded serious, and he wasn’t that heartless. You were, at one point, his happy pill too. He’d at least want to see, with his own eyes, that you were okay. He strutted in through the ADA door, his favourite book in his hand as usual.

But you didn’t show up at the office. None of the others knew where you were. As far as they were concerned, you were supposed to show up for work but didn’t. Maybe you were sick?

The most disturbing answer though, was when people kept telling him, “Shouldn’t you know? She’s been having dinners with you, hasn’t she?”

It’s been two months since he flared up at you. No one else realised anything was amiss. You probably did a good job at hiding it. Probably came up with good excuses why the two of you weren’t making trouble in the office anymore. Or even seen interacting anymore. No one seemed concerned. No one else heard the screaming. You probably had an inkling when more people were home, not raising your voice out of consideration. How... considerate of you?

A sudden ominous feeling came over him. Every other thought out the door, he ran off. The Complete Guide To Suicide, slightly tattered, fell to the floor.

➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶

Fast forward to the present, Dazai was sitting on the grass resting against the gravestone, a book in his hands. He smiled weakly as his hands glossed over your handwriting. He had found the book on your table, that same day he found you.

The sight of your lifeless body on the bathroom floor, surrounded by a pool of blood, was a sight he could never forget. How could he? He had held you in his arms, and that time, it was his turn to scream. He couldn’t remember how long he spent in there before Kunikida came rushing in. All he remembered was your face, though blurred from all his tears. And your blood, staining his clothes, soaking his palm.

No chance to say goodbye, to hear that melodic voice, not even a last time to see your beautiful eyes. There was just... nothing. As he sat there with you, he spotted the scars littering your forearms. Both old and new. And now he realised why it was that you always wore long sleeves. Regrets piled up in him, one after the other.

He didn’t want to let you go with the paramedics, but he was forced to. Kunikida pulled him away from your body. Dazai refused to answer any questions, choosing instead to promise to change and stay in his apartment. Which he broke. He snuck over to your place after a change of clothes. He wanted to feel your warmth somehow, at least one last time. That’s when he found the book. And your letter.

He remembered his hands trembling as he reached for it, the delicate writing on the envelope messing with his heart. You had addressed it to ‘Osamu, my sunshine’.

Sickeningly sweet.

➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶

“To my dear friend,

I wanted this letter to explain my intentions, to tell you why I did this. But now that I’m actually writing this... I don’t really know what to say. Which is why I decided that this book is yours.

You’re Dazai, you must know what it is, right? A-ha! You’re right! It’s my diary! A certain someone kept complaining he never really knew me, right? This is my reply. 

Sorry for the messy handwriting in the first half of the book, I started writing in it when I was a kid. Inside you’ll find everything I had no courage to admit to, no matter how much I trusted you. What I do admit, though, is the first time I found out you were suicidal, I already felt like I wanted to know you better. And I have no regrets. I’m so glad I met you.

I wanted to be stronger than this, I swear I did... But I can’t stand the thoughts in my head, the memories that still haunt me to this day. I know there’s a possibility for me to be happy, someday, somewhere, but I just can’t continue feeling like this. It sucks and... I can’t do this anymore.

You were the only one who could ever make me feel like living, believe me. I guess I just couldn’t stand against my misfortunes. I know that deep down there’s a part of you that cares, and to him, I’m sorry.”

➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶

And that was it. The last words you ever wrote to him. Your words reflected you, from how you tried to be optimistic at first, but in the end you succumbed as you thought about whatever it was that led to your demise. Dazai felt a pang as he remembered the last words you said to him. The tone in your voice as you said them. He blinked away the tears and turned the page.

Your diary did indeed help him understand everything and why they unfolded the way they did. Although he would call it anything but truly knowing you. How can he ever say that when he couldn’t save you?

He remembered some pages more distinctly than others. There was one he knew he could remember, word for word. You had been a normal kid, an introvert, and your thoughts mirrored who you grew up to be: a passive, compassionate person. Until that night.

⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷⋆⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶

I woke up just now. I felt uncomfortable. I wake up and I see him there, and I feel his hands. I don’t know why, but I couldn’t move. I was scared. Something screamed in me to move, to shout, to run. Why didn't I? I can’t even... save myself. How much more useless can I get?

⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷⋆⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶

You had blamed yourself for what he did to you. You thought you did something wrong. You were so upset, so in pain. Until your brother got wind of what happened. And as Dazai read on, he realised why you were so quiet about who you were. Who would find it easy to admit that their father had killed their brother for standing up for them? What’s more, how could you tell anyone, when you felt responsible for his death? Now he knew why you never questioned him. Because you understood.

You stopped writing a few months after that, choosing instead to express yourself by drawing. You drew sceneries, the stars, and who he assumed to be your brother, a young boy hand-in-hand with a girl whose face you didn’t fill in. Dazai turned the page and spotted a sketch of him, at his desk on the computer. He smiled. You were so talented, making him out to look so good in a sketch. You started writing again after that.

⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷⋆⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶

He’s weird. A little like me. But maybe a little less hopeless.

We were the only two calm people in a sea of chaos. It was nice.

Maybe I do want to find a reason to live.

I gave my colleague a sweet. He said he felt better. I must be doing something right!

My favourite book, it’s time to part ways with you.

⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷⋆⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶

He should’ve known it was yours. It looked a little used, but he just guessed you got it at a second-hand book store. 

The next page after that was a sketch of everyone in the ADA, and he chuckled at how fierce you made Kunikida look.

⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷⋆⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶

Being in the ADA... kind of like the family I wish I had.

I still feel a little empty, why?

Scratch that. Dazai is a ball of sunshine (´ω`)

We drew in Kuni’s ‘ideals’ notebook. He’s pretty funny when he’s all mad and frazzled. He’s how I imagine a father to be... but how would I know, right?

Time to visit you, brother. How’ve you been?

⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷⋆⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶

Dazai could just slap himself for misunderstanding your intentions that day. You had gone to visit your brother, but all he did was go and make you feel bad about being concerned about him. He didn’t even ask. How selfish of him.

And then you didn’t write again. Until the screaming started.

⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷⋆⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶

Out of everyone in the world, the one I wish I would never see again appeared in front of me. How did you even find me? Fuck off already. Early release for good behaviour? What a joke.

I wish he would stop appearing here already. I don’t even know how he found me. But every time I see him I remember everything like it was yesterday.

He didn’t appear today. Finally. Some peace to myself.

And... again. I’m so tired of this. I can’t just run. I joined the agency because I wanted to be where they save people. It would be bad to run... right?

They can do without me... running wouldn’t be too horrible... right?

I’m tired... I’m really so, so tired...

➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶

That was it. For words. What a turn of events. Everyone’s happy pill found him, Dazai, as her personal ray of sunshine? Him? The suicidal maniac? He could hardly believe it the first time he read it. He wished he had known. How could he have missed such a big part of you? Sure, he found it weird how you managed to be so bubbly all the time, but this wasn't something he had considered.

He envisioned you having to sit in the office, smiling at everyone like everything was normal even though your worst nightmare had come back to haunt you. He realised your consideration came out of the fact that no one ever gave you what you needed, hence your constant tendency to provide what anyone needed. Dazai swept away a tear from his cheek as he sensed a presence closing in.

“We missed you at the funeral.”

Kunikida appeared and stood in front of his partner, expression grim. It was true, Dazai couldn’t bring himself to send you off last week. When Dazai refused to acknowledge him, Kunikida sighed. “There’s... nothing we can do about it. All we can really do is grieve. We’ll be at the office if you ever need to talk.” And then his partner turned and left.

Dazai scoffed, pulling a glock from inside his coat. He pressed the barrel of the gun against his temple and rested against it.

“Is it really?” he asked, to no one at all, closing his eyes.

Should I join you?

“if tears could build a stairway, and memories a lane, i’d walk right up to heaven, and bring you home again.”

[fizzip0p]

could you talk about why you love blaine? it's nice to meet a kurt stan who actually likes blaine

OF COURSE! I'll try to keep this from getting too deep into a shippers perspective, because just like with Kurt he is a good character that can standalone without need of a significant other to be deemed relevant.

So when we first meet Blaine, he's a great support system and the exact shock to life Kurt needs in that moment. And that's all he was meant to be in the beginning, but as fans took to him and the chemistry (which antis can deny all they want) between him and Kurt was unmatched so clearly he had to stay and they finally gave him backstory and a personality!

I like that he is confident. Even when he was questioning his sexuality because of a drunken kiss, he wasn't afraid to smack Kurt's insecure response down. And even when he finalizes who he is, he isn't mean about it or turn around and mock the situation or even put himself down for thinking he is anything but gay. We see it radiate out of him when he performs, we see it radiate out of him when he's standing up for others! When he makes his mind up, he's going to do it and he will be able to enlist others to do it with him! NOT FOR HIM. WITH HIM. That's leadership. We love that. Confidence, Blaine! It looks good on you!

I like that he's talented but doesn't use his talent as any means of a "I'm better than you" attitude or even as head-to-head competition against anyone else. He is a team player, who only wants what's best for the team not just himself (no matter how much the anti's attempt to say otherwise). He hypes his fellow glee clubbers up - Rory, Marley, Sam, Brittany, Tina, and ofc Kurt. Because he isn't a one-man show who is here to sing the lead always. He tries to get them involved as much as possible. Does he enjoy performing? Of course he does. So if he gets selected for a solo (voted by the Warblers), why should he put himself down for the sake of being quiet compared to other talent at the same time? That doesn't make him an attention grabbing person. He's far from that. He's a performer, but he's far from an attention grabbing one.

I like that he's selfless, but still takes moments to be selfish. When Kurt got crowned prom queen, he stepped in to dance with him in front of everyone - selfless. When Sam was self-harming himself with obsessing with working out, Blaine put together a compilation of affirmation for Sam to come back to himself and treat himself better - selfless. When June kept down playing Kurt's talents for his own, he kept pushing to prove her wrong and even so much as pulls him up to perform with him - selfless. But he also took June's offer (with Kurt's encouragement mind you) selfishly so he could get his foot in the door for his future. You can't be a totally selfless person without deserving to be selfish once and a while - and Blaine's a good example of that. If he was a totally selfless person, he wouldn't get anywhere in life - that's dull, let's not have that. If he was a totally selfish person, he'd be the male version of a certain cheerleader who only gets by from being part of a hot guy on guy relationship because yay gay rights or whatever. No thanks. I like that he can be both. Let him be both. It's okay to be vers, you know. It's okay! The dude is vers, let him be.

I like that we see him struggle but come out on top at the end! He's not perfect and that's the way we like it! I like seeing him go from confident character in season 2 to someone struggling until season 5 where he gains that confidence back in season 6 without looking back! Because mental illness and trauma is shit he has also gone through, even if we don't see it first hand like we see with others (Kurt & Quinn especially as it was right in our faces). But you don't always SEE what happened with people and can still tell they went through their own hell. We see it when he struggles with having friends at Dalton to only Kurt at McKinley. We see it when he makes an impulse decision to cheat on someone he cares about deeply and is the only person who actually shows remorse. We see it when he picks up coping mechanisms like boxing to protect himself, eating comfort food, creating puppets for companionship (which yeah was weird but come on), impulse purchasing expensive gifts (piano??? all the collector dvds???) for the sake of it. We see how he struggles with boundaries (thinking of them as walls, not spaces to grow) and it makes you wonder WHY. What happened? Something happened! Something traumatic enough to make him actually not comprehend some things other people may think as "obvious". He's complex in that way. And through all his struggling with self-confidence, we see him come out on top. He goes to therapy, he gets help, he goes back to being the confident s2!Blaine, not here to be a people pleaser to not cause ripples - he will bring the tsunami on your ass! Which is good! He knows his self-worth isn't depending on others happiness, but his own. And that's SO IMPORTANT! We love that for him. Let the dude struggle, mess up. Keep the Gary-Sue love interests for Kurt to yourself, we like growth and development here.

He's just an overall great character. I like the growth. I like the development journey, because I like my angst that comes with that. I like that we see him at low points and high points. We see him failing, struggling, and flopping just as much as we see him succeeding, rising above, and overcoming obstacles.

[96harmony96]

Chapter 5

I had a vicious hangover on Saturday morning and figured it was no less than I deserved. As much as I’d resented Lauren’s insistence on negotiating sex with as much passion as she would a merger, in the end I’d negotiated in kind. Because I wanted her enough to take a calculated risk and break my own rules.

I took comfort in knowing she was breaking some of her own, too.

After a long, hot shower, I made my way into the living room and found Cary on the couch with his netbook, looking fresh and alert. Smelling coffee in the kitchen, I headed there and filled the biggest mug I could find.

“Morning, sunshine,” Cary called out.

With my much-needed dose of caffeine wrapped between both palms, I joined him on the couch.

He pointed at a box on the end table. “That came for you while you were in the shower.”

I set my mug on the coffee table and picked up the box. It was wrapped with brown paper and twine, and had my name handwritten diagonally across the top with a decorative calligraphic flourish. Inside was an amber glass bottle with Hangover Cure painted on it in a white old-fashioned font and a note tied with raffia to the bottle’s neck that said, “Drink me.” Lauren’s business card was nestled in the cushioning tissue paper.

As I studied the gift, I found it very apt. Since meeting Lauren I’d felt like I’d fallen down the rabbit hole into a fascinating and seductive world where few of the known rules applied. I was in uncharted territory that was both exciting and scary.

I glanced at Cary, who eyed the bottle dubiously.

“Cheers.” I pried the cork out and drank the contents without thinking twice about it. It tasted like sickly sweet cough syrup. My stomach quivered in distaste for a moment, and then heated. I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and shoved the cork back into the empty bottle.

“What was that?” Cary asked.

“From the burn, it’s hair of the dog.”

His nose wrinkled. “Effective but unpleasant.”

And it was working. I already felt a little steadier.

Cary picked up the box and dug out Lauren’s card. He flipped it over; then held it out to me. On the back Lauren had written, “Call me” in bold slashing penmanship and jotted down a number.

I took the card, curling my hand around it. Her gift was proof that she was thinking about me. Her tenacity and focus was seductive. And flattering.

There was no denying I was in trouble where Lauren was concerned. I craved the way I felt when she touched me, and I loved the way she responded when I touched her back. When I tried to think of what I wouldn’t agree to do to have her hands on me again, I couldn’t come up with much.

When Cary tried to hand me the phone, I shook my head. “Not yet. I need a clear head when dealing with her and I’m still fuzzy.”

“You two seemed cozy last night. She’s definitely into you.”

“I’m definitely into her.” Curling into the corner of the couch, I pressed my cheek into the cushion and hugged my legs to my chest. “We’re going to hang out, get to know each other, have casual-but-physically-intense sex, and be otherwise completely independent. No strings, no expectations, no responsibilities.”

Cary hit a button on his netbook and the printer on the other side of the room started spitting out pages. Then he snapped the computer closed, set it on the coffee table, and gave me all his attention. “Maybe it’ll turn into something serious.”

“Maybe not,” I scoffed.

“Cynic.”

“I’m not looking for happily-ever-after, Cary, especially not with a mega-mogul like Jauregui. I’ve seen what it’s like for my mom being connected to powerful men. It’s a full-time job with a part-time companion. Money keeps Mom happy, but it wouldn’t be enough for me.”

My dad had loved my mom. He’d asked her to marry him and share his life. She’d turned him down because he didn’t have the hefty portfolio and sizeable bank account she required in a husband. Love wasn’t a requisite for marriage in Sinuhe Stanton’s opinion and since her sultry-eyed, breathy-voiced beauty was irresistible to most men, she’d never had to settle for less than whatever she wanted. Unfortunately she hadn’t wanted my dad for the long haul.

Glancing at the clock, I saw it was ten thirty. “I guess I should get ready.”

“I love spa day with your mom.” Cary smiled and it chased the lingering shadows on my mood away. “I feel like a god when we’re done.”

“Me, too. Of the goddess persuasion.”

We were so eager to be off that we went downstairs to meet the car rather than wait for the front desk to call up.

The doorman smiled as we stepped outside—me in heeled sandals and a maxi dress, and Cary in hip-hugging jeans and a long-sleeved T-shirt.

“Good morning, Miss Cabello. Mr. Taylor. Will you need a cab today?”

“No thanks, Paul. We’re expecting a car.” Cary grinned. “It’s spa day at Perrini’s!”

“Ah, Perrini’s Day Spa.” Paul gave a sage nod. “I bought my wife a gift certificate for our anniversary. She enjoyed it so much I plan to make it a tradition.”

“You did good, Paul,” I said. “Pampering a woman never goes out of style.”

A black town car pulled up with Clancy at the wheel. Paul opened the rear door for us and we climbed in, squealing when we found a box of Knipschildt’s Chocopologie on the seat. Waving at Paul, we settled back and dug in, taking tiny nibbles of the truffles that were worth savoring slowly.

Clancy drove us straight to Perrini’s, where the relaxation began from the moment one walked in the door. Crossing the entrance threshold was like taking a vacation on the far side of the world. Every arched doorway was framed by lushly vibrant striped silks, while jeweled pillows decorated elegant chaises and oversized armchairs.

Birds chirped from suspended gilded cages and potted plants filled every corner with lush fronds. Small decorative fountains added the sounds of running water, while stringed instrumental music was piped into the room via cleverly hidden speakers. The air was redolent with a mix of exotic spices and fragrances, making me feel like I’d stepped into Arabian Nights.

It was this-close to being too much, but it didn’t cross the line. Instead, Perrini’s was exotic and luxurious, an indulgent treat for those who could afford it. Like my mother, who’d just finished a milk-and-honey bath when we arrived.

I studied the menu of treatments available, deciding to skip my usual “warrior woman” in favor of the “passionate pampering.” I’d been waxed the week before, but the rest of the treatment—“designed to make you sexually irresistible”—sounded like exactly what I needed.

I’d finally managed to get my mind back into the safe zone of work when Cary spoke up from the pedicure chair beside mine.

“Mrs. Stanton, have you met Lauren Jauregui?”

I gaped at him. He knew damn well my mom went nuts over any news about my romantic—and not-so-romantic, as the case may be—relationships.

My mother, who sat in the chair on the other side of me, leaned forward with her usual girlish excitement over a rich, handsome man. “Of course. She’s one of the wealthiest women in the world. Number twenty-five or so on Forbes’s list, if I’m remembering correctly. A very driven young woman, obviously, and a generous benefactor to many of the children’s charities I champion. Extremely eligible, of course, but I don’t believe she's straight , Cary. She’s got a reputation as a ladies’ pleaser.”

“My loss.” Cary grinned and ignored my violent headshaking. “But it’d be a hopeless crush anyway, since she’s digging on Camila.”

“Camila! I can’t believe you didn’t say anything. How could you not tell me something like that?”

I looked at my mom, whose scrubbed face appeared young, unlined, and very much like mine. I was very clearly my mother’s daughter, right down to my surname. The one concession she’d made to my father had been to name me after his mother.

“There’s nothing to tell,” I insisted. “We’re just…friends.”

“We can do better than that,” Sinuhe said, with a look of calculation that struck fear in my heart. “I don’t know how it escaped me that you work in the same building she does. I’m certain she was smitten the moment she saw you. Although she’s known to prefer blondes…Hmm…Anyway. sHe’s also known for her excellent taste. Clearly the latter won out with you.”

“It’s not like that. Please don’t start meddling. You’ll embarrass me.”

“Nonsense. If anyone knows what to do with men, it’s me.”

I cringed, my shoulders creeping up to my ears. By the time my massage appointment came around, I was in desperate need of one. I stretched out on the table and closed my eyes, preparing to take a catnap to get through the long night ahead.

I loved dressing up and looking pretty as much as the next girl, but charity functions were a lot of work. Making small talk was exhausting, smiling nonstop was a pain, and conversations about businesses and people I didn’t know were boring. If it wasn’t for Cary benefitting from the exposure, I’d put up a bigger fight about going.

I sighed. Who was I fooling? I’d end up going anyway. My mom and Stanton supported abused children’s charities because they were significant to me. Going to the occasional stuffy event was a small price to pay for the return.

Taking a deep breath, I consciously relaxed. I made a mental note to call my dad when I got home and thought about how to send a thank-you note to Lauren for the hangover cure. I supposed I could e-mail her using the contact info on her business card, but that lacked class. Besides, I didn’t know who read her inbox.

I’d just call her when I got home. Why not? She’d asked—no, told—me to; she’d written the demand on her business card. And I’d get to hear her luscious voice again.

The door opened and the masseuse came in. “Hello, Camila. You ready?”

Not quite. But I was getting there.

___

After many lovely hours at the spa, my mom and Cary dropped me off at the apartment; then they headed out to hunt for new cuff links for Stanton. I used the time alone to call Lauren. Even with the much-needed privacy, I punched most of her phone number into the keypad a half-dozen times before I finally put the call through.

She answered on the first ring. “Camila.”

W that she’d known who was calling, my mind scrambled for a moment. How did she have my name and number in her contact list? “Uh…hi, Lauren.”

“I’m a block away. Let the front desk know I’m coming.”

“What?” I felt like I’d missed part of the conversation. “Coming where?”

“To your place. I’m rounding the corner now. Call the desk, Camila.”

she hung up and I stared at the phone, trying to absorb the fact that Lauren was moments away from being with me again. Somewhat dazed, I went to the intercom and talked to the front desk, letting them know I was expecting her and while I was talking, she walked into the lobby. A few moments after that, she was at my door.

It was then that I remembered I was dressed in only a thigh-length silk robe, and my face and hair were styled for the dinner. What kind of impression would she get from my appearance?

I tightened the belt of my robe before I let her in. It wasn’t like I’d invited her over for a seduction or anything.

Lauren stood in the hallway for a long moment, her gaze raking me from my head down to my French manicured toes. I was equally stunned by her appearance. The way she looked in worn jeans and a T-shirt made me want to undress her with my teeth.

“Worth the trip to find you like this, Camila.” sHe stepped inside and locked the door behind her. “How are you feeling?”

“Good. Thanks to you. Thank you.” My stomach quivered because she was here, with me, which made me feel almost…giddy. “That can’t be why you came over.”

“I’m here because it took you too long to call me.”

“I didn’t realize I had a deadline.”

“I have to ask you something time-sensitive, but more than that, I wanted to know if you were feeling all right after last night.” Her eyes were dark as they swept over me, her breathtaking face framed by that luxurious curtain of inky hair. “God. You look beautiful, Camila. I can’t remember ever wanting anything this much.”

With just those few simple words I became hot and needy. Way too vulnerable. “What’s so urgent?”

“Go with me to the advocacy center dinner tonight.”

I pulled back, surprised and excited by the request. “You’re going?”

“So are you. I checked, knowing your mother would be there. Let’s go together.”

My hand went to my throat, my mind torn between the weirdness of how much she knew about me and concern over what she was asking me to do. “That’s not what I meant when I said we should spend time together.”

“Why not?” The simple question was laced with challenge. “What’s the problem with going together to an event we’d already planned on attending separately?”

“It’s not very discreet. It’s a high-profile event.”

“So?” Lauren stepped closer and fingered a curl of my hair.

There was a dangerous purr to her voice that sent a shiver through me. I could feel the warmth of her big, hard body and smell the richly musky scent of her skin. I was falling under her spell, deeper with every minute that passed.

“People will make assumptions, my mother in particular. She’s already scenting your bachelor blood in the water.”

Lowering her head, Lauren pressed her lips into the crook of my neck. “I don’t care what people think. We know what we’re doing. And I’ll deal with your mother.”

“If you think you can,” I said breathlessly, “you don’t know her very well.”

“I’ll pick you up at seven.” Her tongue traced the wildly throbbing vein in my throat and I melted into her, my body going lax as she pulled me close.

Still, I managed to say, “I haven’t said yes.”

“But you won’t say no.” sHe caught my earlobe between her teeth. “I won’t let you.”

I opened my mouth to protest and she sealed her lips over mine, shutting me up with a lush wet kiss. Her tongue did that slow, savoring licking that made me long to feel her doing the same between my legs. My hands went to her hair, sliding through it, tugging. When she wrapped her arms around me, I arched, curving into her hands.

Just as she had in her office, she had me on my back on the couch before I realized she was moving me, her mouth swallowing my surprised gasp. The robe gave way to her dexterous fingers; then she was cupping my breasts, kneading them with soft, rhythmic squeezes.

“Lauren—”

“Shh.” sHe sucked on my lower lip, her fingers rolling and tugging my tender nipples. “It was driving me crazy knowing you were naked beneath your robe.”

“You came over without—Oh! Oh, God…”

Her mouth surrounded the tip of my breast, the wash of heat bringing a mist of perspiration to my skin.

My gaze darted frantically to the clock on the cable box. “Lauren, no.”

Her head lifted and she looked at me with stormy green eyes. “It’s insane, I know. I don’t—I can’t explain it, Camila, but I have to make you come. I’ve been thinking about it constantly for days now.”

One of her hands pushed between my legs. They fell open shamelessly, my body so aroused I was flushed and almost feverish. Her other hand continued to plump my breasts, making them heavy and unbearably sensitive.

“You’re wet for me,” she murmured, her gaze sliding down my body to where she was parting me with her fingers. “You’re beautiful here, too. Plush and pink. So soft. You didn’t wax today, did you?”

I shook my head.

“Thank God. I don’t think I would’ve made it ten minutes without touching you, let alone ten hours.” She slid one finger carefully into me.

My eyes closed against the unbearable vulnerability of being spread out naked and fingered by a woman whose familiarity with the rules of Brazilian waxing betrayed an intimate knowledge of women. A woman who was still fully clothed and kneeling on the floor beside me.

“You’re so snug.” Lauren pulled out and thrust gently back into me. My back bowed as I clenched eagerly around her. “And so greedy. How long has it been since the last time you were fucked?”

I swallowed hard. “I’ve been busy. My thesis, job-hunting, moving…”

“A while, then.” sHe pulled out and pushed back into me with two fingers. I couldn’t hold back a moan of delight. The woman had talented hands, confident and skilled, and she took what he wanted with them.

“Are you on birth control, Camila?”

“Yes.” My hands gripped the edges of the cushions. “Of course.”

“I’ll prove I’m clean and you’ll do the same, then you’re going to let me come in you.”

“Jesus, Lauren.” I was panting for her, my hips circling shamelessly onto her thrusting fingers. I felt like I’d spontaneously combust if she didn’t get me off.

I’d never been so turned on in my life. I was near mindless with the need for an orgasm. If Cary walked in right then and found me writhing in our living room while Lauren finger-fucked me, I didn’t think I’d care.

Lauren was breathing hard, too. Her face was flushed with lust. For me. When I’d done nothing more than respond helplessly to her.

Her hand at my breast moved to my cheek and brushed over it. “You’re blushing. I’ve scandalized you.”

“Yes.”

Her smile was both wicked and delighted, and it made my chest tight. “I want to feel my cum in you when I fuck you with my fingers. I want you to feel my cum in you, so you think about how I looked and the sounds I made when I pumped it into you. And while you’re thinking about that, you’re going to look forward to me doing it again and again.”

My sex rippled around her stroking fingers, the rawness of her words pushing me to the brink of orgasm.

“I’m going to tell you all the ways I want you to please me, Camila, and you’re going to do it all…take it all, and we’re going to have explosive, primal, no-holds-barred sex. You know that, don’t you? You can feel how it’ll be between us.”

“Yes,” I breathed, clutching my breasts to ease the deep ache of my hardened nipples. “Please, Lauren.”

“Shh…I’ve got you.” The pad of her thumb rubbed my clitoris in gentle circles. “Look into my eyes when you come for me.”

Everything tightened in my core, the tension building as she massaged my clit and pushed her fingers in and out in a steady, unhurried rhythm.

“Give it up to me, Camila,” she ordered. “Now.”

I climaxed with a thready cry, my grip white-knuckled on the sides of the cushions as my hips pumped onto her hand, my mind far beyond shame or shyness. My gaze was locked to her, unable to look away, riveted by the fierce masculine triumph that flared in her eyes. In that moment she owned me. I’d do anything she wanted. And she knew it.

Searing pleasure pulsed through me. Through the roaring of blood in my ears, I thought I heard her speak hoarsely, but I lost the words when she hooked one of my legs over the back of the couch and covered my cleft with her mouth.

“No—” I pushed at her head with my hands. “I can’t.”

I was too swollen, too sensitive. But when her tongue touched my clit, fluttering over it, the hunger built again. More intense than the first time. she rimmed my trembling slit, teasing me, taunting me with the promise of another orgasm when I knew I couldn’t have one again so quickly.

Then her tongue speared into me and I bit my lip to bite back a scream. I came a second time, my body quaking violently, tender muscles tightening desperately around her decadent licking. Her growl vibrated through me. I didn’t have the strength to push her away when she returned to my clit and sucked softly…tirelessly…until I climaxed again, gasping her name.

I was boneless as she straightened my leg and still breathless when she pressed kisses up my belly to my breasts. she licked each of my nipples, and then hauled me up with her arms banded around my back. I hung lax and pliable in her grip while she took my mouth with suppressed violence, bruising my lips and betraying how close to the edge she was.

she closed my robe; then stood, staring down at me.

“Lauren…?”

“Seven o’clock, Camila.” sHe reached down and touched my ankle, her fingertips caressing the diamond anklet I’d put on in preparation for the evening. “And keep this on. I want to fuck you while you’re wearing nothing else.”

[audarkmist]

What are some ways we can serve others

Dear Anon,

I never really researched it so I may have only picked up things while casually reading the bible. 

The ways I have tried to serve others.

- Creative: I try to be creative based on the person since God made everyone different. I know just because I like mint chocolate does not mean every one likes mint chocolate. I learn about a person to find the best way.

- Ask: I sometimes want to ask the best way I can improve. I do not do this too often or it can come off as strange (nosy, dependent, people-pleaser, clingy, insecure). I just mean occasionally ask how you can be there for someone.

- Inspired: I take note of things that melt my heart. I think love inspires more love. Pay attention to these heart melting moments and soak them in.

Ex: I once saw a man in a store and the child in line who was trying to pay at the cash register could not afford the chocolate bar he wanted to buy. He spent maybe 5$ and made this child’s day. I was the cashier so I can’t like give him anything for free sadly even if I want. It is inspiring to see someone go so far. I did the same one day for someone when the power went out so all the credit cards and debits were denied. I paid for them with my student card because that did not run on power because it was a special system. He asked me repay me and I said it’s alright. I just hope one day he will do the same for someone in need one day. 

Ex: I once heard in the news there was a tourist group who was about to get killed by Muslim terrorist in the Middle East. They wanted to kill the non believers of the bus. The Muslim women quickly gave their hijab to the non Muslim women to confuse the terrorists. They were willing to die to protect the non Muslims from the Muslim extremists. I am not sure how I can implement this since I have never been in such a situation. I just hope that if  similar scenario was ever to occur where people wanted to kill others that I would remember this story. 

The ways the bible demonstrates serving others. 

-Extra Mile: The bible asks us to “go the extra mile” for others.

Verse: Matthew 5:41 And whosoever shall compel thee to go a mile, go with him twain.

Ex: When I am asked to do a chore like dishes I might want to sweep. I know this is case by case basis depending if you are really busy (maybe studying for an exam). I admit doing this is hard taking a lot of will power on my part. I am working on trying to do it more. 

-Give to all that ask: The bible says to give to them that ask. I think this one is even harder than the last when it is not to borrow. It takes a lot of judgment too on our part to discern the appropriate times and things to give.

Verse: Matthew 5:42 Give to him that asketh thee, and from him that would borrow of thee turn not thou away. 

The words do not bid us idly give alms to the idle or the impostor or the scammers as in 2 Thessalonians 3:10 “If a man will not work, neither let him eat”. It does not want us to give something harmful to someone even if they asks.

-Share: It is pretty simple “sharing is caring” when it comes to material items. 

Verse: Hebrews 13:16 But do not forget to do good and to share, for with such sacrifices God is well pleased.

-Give Extra: In this case if you wrong someone so they want their “due” give them extra for the sake of love. 

Verse: Matthew 5:40 And if any man will sue thee at the law, and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloak also. 

Ex hypothetical: Say I wrong someone then they want an apology. I should try to go above and beyond the apology. I should try to maybe bake them cookies, maybe send them a sweet letter, maybe hug them or something. 

- Use your gifts: God gives us each gifts whether we know it or not. It might sound strange but he gives some the ability to be especially good at comforting, some at having faith (every believer has faith just comes more naturally to some), some at doing miracles, some at praying (every believer prays some just do it more maturely), some at interceding, some at discernment, some multilingualism (to translate the word), some at loving (everyone loves just comes more naturally to some), some generosity (hopefully all believers give only some it does come more naturally), some wisdom, some social skills, some literacy, some art and so on.

Verse: Peter 4:10 As every man hath received the gift, even so minister the same one to another, as good stewards of the manifold grace of God.

Confession: I do not really know my gifts so I try to do things I think might be my gifts? I mean I know French so sometimes I translate (I just don’t know where all the Francophones are at). Maybe I am good at praying? Might just be that God is so merciful. I guess this could be close to like a “calling”

-Highly regard others: Just try to see the best in people esteeming them with something they can teach you. 

Verse: Philippians 2:3 Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves.

- Volunteering especially for the lonely and needy.

Verse: James 1:27 Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world.

Ex: I try to volunteer every year to serve free cake to the new immigrants of Canada. It is just such a joyous moment especially to hear their stories of success. 

-Encouraging others: Try to motivate and assist others.

Verse: Proverbs 27:17 Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend.

-Defending the ones without a voice: This one is definitely hard to find the best approach. I am not even really aware of much injustices (at least in my own country). I am not sure if speaking up for people online is enough for this takes real world boldness. I mean keep a look out on this one if an opportunity arises.

Verse: Jeremiah 5:28 They are fat, they are sleek, They also excel in deeds of wickedness; They do not plead the cause, The cause of the orphan, that they may prosper; And they do not defend the rights of the poor.

Historical ex: In times of racist slavery people wrote to governments, walked in protests if there was one, spoke up against segregation on buses, spoke to the public and so on.

-Love lavishly: The parable of the good Samaritan shows we ought to love lavishly. 

Verse: Luke 10:35 And on the morrow when he departed, he took out two pence, and gave them to the host, and said unto him, Take care of him; and whatsoever thou spendest more, when I come again, I will repay thee.

Treat the least as you would Jesus: This is especially for fellow Christians. It is not only for  others Christians since it follows the “love your neighbor as yourself” with examples. I mean looking at the good Samaritan Jesus was trying to show who we should show compassion on (anyone in need). Give food to them who are hungry, drink when thirsty, housing when kicked out or lost, clothing when naked and visitation when sick or imprisoned.

Verse: Matthew 25:35-36 For I was an hungred, and ye gave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me in: Naked, and ye clothed me: I was sick, and ye visited me: I was in prison, and ye came unto me.

-Many more: I’m sure there are many more ways. I just want us to keep in mind one thing…

Verse: Colossians 3:23 And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the LORD, and not unto men.

Are these little overwhelming? 

In the end there are these that can be pretty hard. I see there is no wonder why God says our best works on our best days are as “filthy rags”. I can understand why Paul called himself the great sinner. I notice we all need forgiveness just the same for failing to have perfect love. 

I do not want someone to read this to think they must do “works salvation”. I mean after all it just goes to show we are “in over our heads”. That is we could never fulfill the law good enough please God. 

Repentance is not “fixing yourself” it is turning from everything to come to the savior. Indeed we must even repent from any sense of self righteousness leaving no room for boasting in ourselves. Salvation is “nothing in my hands I bring simply to the cross I cling”. 

Verse: Jeremiah 9:24 but let the one who boasts boast about this: that they have the understanding to know me, that I am the LORD, who exercises kindness, justice and righteousness on earth, for in these I delight,“ declares the LORD. 

When we do good works such as serving others it out of love and thankfulness to our Lord. The Lord who loved us first

[talabib]

Overcome what’s holding you back and live the life you dream of

Do you have a dream of starting a company or writing a novel? Could you start today, but feel that something’s holding you back? Do you dream of becoming more assertive, but find yourself ignored or walked over by every new group of people you meet?

There is a way to break the cycle of non-achievement and live the life you want. We’ll explore critical ways to improve your mental strength, conquer your fears and be the powerful person you know you can be.

Don’t waste energy trying to change things beyond your control. Instead, control yourself!

You can’t escape misfortune in life. But you can change how you respond to it. Let’s say you were hit by a bus and ended up in the hospital. Your injuries are bad enough — don’t make things worse by feeling sorry for yourself!

Self-pity is destructive. It leads to all kinds of negative emotions, and prevents you from moving forward. Think of your hypothetical bus accident. Here, you have two options: You can summon all your energy and channel it into getting better (such as working hard at physiotherapy). Or, you can dwell on your bad luck and become stuck in a cycle of bitterness.

Trying to control everything is another impulse that can hold you back. Even though we know that many things in life are beyond our personal control, we often cling to the illusion that it’s possible to control many of life’s outcomes. Although this belief is a common way of managing anxiety, it’s also an impulse that can damage your relationships.

After a divorce, James was terrified that his ex-wife was trying to turn their daughter against him by buying her expensive gifts that James himself couldn’t afford. But instead of spending time with his daughter and showing how much he loved her, he wasted his energy trying to control his ex-wife’s behavior. In the end, his actions damaged his relationship with his daughter.

The point is, complaining that you’re not getting something you think you deserve is a waste of energy. The world doesn’t owe you anything – but if you allow yourself to believe that it does, you’ll just end up angry and bitter.

And as a consequence, you’ll be less motivated in life and at work, which will undermine your performance and potentially start a vicious circle. If your work suffers and you’re denied a raise, for example, that will only make you angrier, damaging your performance even more.

Mentally strong individuals don’t focus too much on other people’s thoughts and feelings.

Do you care about what other people think of you? Of course, it’s natural to care a little, but when you care too much, you let others define your self-worth – which gives them power over you.

Look at it this way – if you allow other people to dictate your behavior, you make yourself vulnerable to manipulation.

To understand this principle, consider the pressures surrounding a small child. Children depend on what the adults in their lives think and say; parents often leverage this dependence to make children behave a certain way.

A mother might tell her daughter that “big girls” don’t climb trees wearing their best dress. Since the child wants to be seen as a “big girl,” she alters her behavior.

On the other hand, mentally strong adults take control of their actions and emotions, refusing to give other people the power to make them feel bad or inferior.

The key is to stop trying to please people. If someone near you is upset, take a deep breath and remember that it’s not your responsibility to make her happy. (And don’t worry; she won’t abandon you just because you don’t immediately rush to her assistance.)

Of course, past experiences may paint a different picture. Children of alcoholics, for example, often grow up to become “people pleasers,” because this sort of behavior was the only way they could manage a parent’s unpredictable behavior under the influence.

Remember that taking care of yourself isn’t selfish. The Bible, for example, doesn’t say you have to put others first – it just says you have to treat your neighbor as you would treat yourself. In other words, it’s just fine to take care of yourself!

Fear prevents you from taking risks, changing your daily routine and moving forward.

Change can be scary, whereas stability is comforting. Even when your daily routines are unhealthy, they are still familiar and thus feel safe. Such comforting familiarity can make you overestimate the amount of hassle that a change might bring. And as a result, you shy away from taking any action.

Just think how easy it would be to implement a few small changes to improve your health, for example. You could start by eating fewer sweets, and perhaps take a walk each day after work. That’s not too scary, is it?

Richard has for ages put off starting a weight-loss program. Why? Because he’s afraid of making so many big changes at once. He’s convinced that he’ll need to eliminate all junk food and all sweets and spend all his free time at the gym. And that makes it much harder to get started.

Overestimating the amount of risk involved in making a change can be equally limiting. Dale, who works as a teacher, dreamed of founding his own company. But he feared quitting and taking the jump, afraid that he’d end up with no income. But after exploring his possibilities, Dale realized that he’d overestimated the risk involved. He decided to keep his safe teaching job on a part-time basis, and try his luck as an entrepreneur on the side.

As you can see, methodically analyzing a situation can eliminate fear and encourage you to take a leap toward your dreams.

Many people also avoid moving forward by dwelling too much on mistakes. Instead of looking for new things to accomplish, we often focus on things that went wrong in the past. But if you want to move on, you have to forgive yourself for your past mistakes and stop worrying that you’ll repeat them in the future.

Small bad habits, like giving up early or seeking immediate results, may be holding you back.

From a child’s perspective, lying has its upsides. If you don’t fess up to a mistake, you might avoid mocking classmates or a scolding parent. But unfortunately, we often carry this attitude into adulthood. When we avoid facing the consequences of our actions, it prevents us from learning from our mistakes. As a result, we can end up making the same mistakes, over and over again.

Let’s pretend you’re a hairdresser’s apprentice, and you’ve botched your first dye job, with your client’s hair a terrible green hue. Fortunately, she agrees to not say a word, in exchange for $200 and your favorite beanie to wear on the ride home.

Now you can relax, right? Your boss won’t fire you. But it’s very possible that if you don’t learn from your mistake, the same thing will happen next time you have to dye a client’s hair!

Giving up at the first sign of failure is another bad habit that can hold you back. Failure does sting – but even champions fail, again and again, before they finally achieve their dreams.

Do you think tennis superstar Serena Williams would treat a small setback, like one lost match, as a sign that she lacked the talent to master her field? Of course not. Persevering in the face of failure is what separates the champions from the pack.

Straight-up failure too isn’t the only setback you’ll encounter on the path to success. People also tend to give up when they don’t get immediate results.

Granted, this attitude is understandable in a world of two-minute microwave meals and prefab houses. Not to mention the endless media stories of people who achieve “overnight” success.

The modern world encourages us to seek instant gratification and immediate results. But most of the time, achieving your goals won’t be easy. You’d better prepare for the long run and use your time and energy wisely – or you’ll just run out of steam!

Log off Facebook and seek some solitude from the envy and resentment that only hold you back.

How often do you find yourself scanning Facebook posts, seething with envy for what other people have or are doing? By doing so, you’re poisoning your own well. Competing with other people for success in life or for more “stuff” will only lead to resentment. And feeling resentful makes us forget about the things in life that we truly need and value.

If you’re feeling insecure, you’re more likely to define your self-worth by comparing yourself to others. And this impulse may suck you into a rat-race, working around the clock to buy that expensive car or own that fancy house.

We need deep, loving relationships more than we need anything else. But if you’re spending all your time at the office, you’ll miss out on quality time with your friends and family.

What’s more, it’s impossible to have true friendships if you spend all your time envying what your friends have or what they do with their time. Envy also leads people to lie or sabotage others to get ahead – not the sort of behavior that makes for good relationships.

But the thing is, it’s far too easy to lose touch with the values you hold dear if you never experience moments of peace and solitude. We all need quiet time to relax, work through our problems and feel whole.

Unfortunately, being alone and doing “nothing” is frowned upon in society. (Of course, many of us avoid true solitude even when we’re alone, by surfing the internet or watching TV.)

There’s a ton of pressure for people today to be active all the time. Isn’t it terrible to be at home and sick while everyone’s out on a Saturday night, having fun?

Well, what if you stayed home alone simply because you wanted to think about a personal problem? Finding the strength to be comfortable being alone is something we can cultivate.

Learn how to manage your negative emotions to increase your mental strength every day.

Contrary to conventional wisdom, mental strength isn’t about burying your emotions. It’s about harnessing your inner power to deal with pain and weakness. And you can learn to do this by becoming your own coach!

Start by taking a close, honest look at your behavior to identify every bad habit that undermines your goals. Consider all the things mentally strong people don’t do and find out which ones are present in your own behavior. Then become a stronger person by changing those habits, one by one.

To start, if you allow negative feelings to hold you back, try to train yourself to shift negative emotions when you experience them.

For instance, when you notice that you’re comparing yourself to others (such as on Facebook) or craving things that friends have, step back for a moment. Remind yourself that doing so is not the right way to measure your self-worth. You have your own skills, talents and experiences.

Instead, make a list of your goals and values. Then create a personal definition of success. That way, next time you’re feeling jealous, you can read through the list to remind yourself that your journey is different – and unique.

Pay attention to whether your thoughts are realistic. Do they contribute to your well-being? Many people allow their past to sabotage the present, thinking that anything else would be living in denial. But in fact, refusing to dwell on the past is evidence that you’ve made peace with that period, learned your lessons and have started living your life in the present.

And that’s it! Once you start paying more attention to your emotions and how they influence your thoughts and behavior, you’ll be well on your way to improved mental strength!

To become stronger mentally, you have to develop a better understanding of your thoughts, behavior and emotions. Learning to control your emotions and reducing negative feelings will help change your mind-set, allowing you to make decisions which you’ll feel good about.

[innerchilddailywrk]

25 Signs You Have a Wounded Inner Child

Feeling Safe Inner Child image

Pay close attention to these signs. They will help you learn the general extent to which your inner child has been wounded and the level to which you feel unsafe in this world. The more signs you say “yes” to, the more you need to seriously consider inner child work:

In the deepest part of me, I feel that there’s something wrong with me.

I experience anxiety whenever contemplating doing something new.

I’m a people-pleaser and tend to lack a strong identity.

I’m a rebel. I feel more alive when I’m in conflict with others.

I tend to hoard things and have trouble letting go.

I feel guilty standing up for myself.

I feel inadequate as a man or woman.

I’m driven to always be a super-achiever.

I consider myself a terrible sinner and I’m afraid of going to hell.

I constantly criticize myself for being inadequate.

I’m rigid and perfectionistic.

I have trouble starting or finishing things.

I’m ashamed of expressing strong emotions such as sadness or anger.

I rarely get mad, but when I do, I become rageful.

I have sex when I don’t really want to.

I’m ashamed of my bodily functions.

I spend too much time looking at pornography.

I distrust everyone, including myself.

I am an addict or have been addicted to something.

I avoid conflict at all costs.

I am afraid of people and tend to avoid them.

I feel more responsible for others than for myself.

I never felt close to one or both of my parents.

My deepest fear is being abandoned and I’ll do anything to hold onto a relationship.

I struggle to say “no.”

If you answered yes to ten or more of these statements, working with your inner child should be at the top of your priority list. If you answered yes to five or more of these statements, you should seriously consider reconnecting with your inner child.

How to Support Your Inner Child in Feeling Safe

Inner child healing image

Hold the hand of the child that lives in your soul. For this child, nothing is impossible. – Paulo Coelho

We all have an inner child. When was the last time you spoke or connected with yours? How often do you take the time to tune in and listen to your needs? Do you regularly make space to play and enjoy life?

As human beings, we are not linear or two-dimensional creatures. We are all multi-faceted and have multiple selves. Think about it for a moment: the ‘you’ currently reading this article is very different from the ‘you’ joking around with colleagues, isn’t it? The ‘you’ in the middle of the night is very different from the ‘you’ going to the movies with your partner or friend. The ‘you’ talking to your parents is very different from the ‘you’ talking with your boss.

Your inner child is an essential part of the intricate patchwork that makes up your identity. When you ignore or deny your inner child, he/she is doomed to wither away within the deep dark vaults of your unconscious mind.

Disclaimer: there is so much pain to be faced with inner child work. But there is also so much joy and so much vitality to be experienced. One of the most exciting and miraculous parts of inner child work is that often hidden gifts and aptitudes that we’ve long lost touch with emerge. Not only that, but many of our relationships improve, our addictions/habits lessen or fade away, and our connection with ourselves deepens. Self-love and acceptance are finally possible. I’m not saying you will experience all of these benefits right away, but you will most certainly experience something beneficial so long as you’re committed!

Also, I want to say here that these exercises are not intended to replace therapy, programs or groups for the inner child or child abuse. If you’ve gone through child sexual abuse, severe emotional abuse, or have a mental illness, seeking professional help is essential. This article is only meant to be a supplement. Finally, if you experience strange or overwhelming emotions while practicing the advice below, please stop immediately. Seek the help of a professional counselor before proceeding.

Remember that everything takes time. The practices below are not quick fixes. They’re not sparkly wands that will immediately make everything better. But they will give you the basic tools you need for feeling safe, secure, and protected at a core level. I truly hope you find something below that will nourish you and your relationship with your inner child. And remember, if you need more in-depth help, I recommend finding more inner child healing exercises in our Inner Child Journal.

Here are the summarized points:

Reflect on the timeline of your childhood

Write a letter to your inner child

Write a letter from your inner child

Share your pain with a trusted person

Loving and supportive affirmations

Do an inner child visualization/meditation

Be your own protector and nurturer

I’ll go more in-depth into these points below:

1. Reflect on the timeline of your childhood

You might like to get a piece of paper or document on your computer and divide your childhood into the following stages: Infant Self (0-9 months), Toddler Self (9 months to 3 years), Preschool Self (3-6 years), and School-Aged Self (6 years to puberty).

Within each stage, try your best to recall how you felt, what life was like, and how safe, supported, and accepted you felt. Keep in mind that feeling safe as a child didn’t always have to do with the family environment. Often the school or other environments that we spent a lot of time in shaped our inner child. Record any memories or physical sensations you had, even if they feel fragmented. Record the tones of voice, expressions, and words your parents or teaches used when interacting with you. Even if a memory seems silly or a reaction you remember having seemed excessive, please write it down. As an adult, it’s important to honor what your inner child authentically experienced, even if it seems ridiculous or exaggerated as an adult.

The more information and emotionally-charged material you have for a particular age range, the more you need to focus on connecting with that particular stage. I’ll share with you how below.

2. Write a letter TO your inner child

Imagine that you’re a wise, gentle, and loving wizard or fairy godmother. Imagine that you want to adopt your inner child. As you write the letter, tell your inner child how much you love them and want to spend time with them. Write in a way that makes you feel safe, cared for, and understood. Here’s an example from a letter I have written to my inner child:

Dear Little Ale,

I’m so happy you’re born. I am here to protect, love, and care for you. I want to help you feel loved and accepted for who you are. I want to show you that it’s safe to be heard, to feel, and to be seen. I want you to feel like you will always have a home with me no matter what. I want to help and guide you every step of the way. I love you so much.

Love, Fairy Godmother Aletheia

If you feel emotional during this process, it’s okay. Let yourself cry and be proud of your courage to express how you truly feel.

3. Write a letter FROM your inner child

Using your non-dominant hand (in order to bypass your logical side of the brain), write yourself a letter from the perspective of your inner child. For example, if you are usually right-handed, use your left hand to write. Using your non-dominant hand will help you get more in touch with the feelings of your inner child. Here is my own example of my inner child speaking to me:

Dear Godmother,

I want to find home. Please protect me. I don’t want to feel alone anymore.

Love, Little Ale

You can write back and forth between your Wizard/Fairy Godmother self and your little self. Creating this conversation often reveals a lot of surprising and buried emotions, and new information.

4. Share your pain with a trusted person

It is important that the pain you went through as a child is validated and heard by someone. Whether you seek out a caring friend, support group, or trusted therapist please understand that sharing your feelings is essential to all inner child work. Sure, you can do it alone. And you can do a lot of deep work alone in general. But in order to experience a ‘breakthrough’ or even just to heal deeply, sharing is important. We are social creatures who need others to hold space for us. Your pain needs to be lovingly validated. If the person you’re sharing your inner child work with is questioning, arguing, or trying to give advice to you, you’re not getting what you need!

Here, it is vital for me to emphasize the need to seek real caring and nurturing support. If you don’t have friends who are mature or capable enough of doing this, please consider finding a therapist or spiritual counselor. There are many affordable options out there. Investing in your well-being and mental health IS worth it. There are also many professionals out there who specialize in inner child work or hold workshops. Counselor and self-help writer John Bradshaw writes “I believe that group work is the most powerful form of therapy” when referring to inner child work. But one thing: please don’t share with your family members, even if they are caring. Family members who have not done their own inner child work are much less capable of dealing with yours. Defensiveness, anger, finger-pointing, and grief may result in sharing your feelings with family members, so please don’t do it.

Sharing takes tremendous courage and inner strength. It’s normal and okay to feel scared! Feel the fear, and if you feel ready, share anyway.

5. Loving and supportive affirmations

Loving affirmations are a powerful way to affirm your worthiness and support your journey in feeling safe. When repeated consistently, affirmations have a way of rewiring the brain and sinking down into unconscious layers of programming. Repeating such messages can result in deep change and healing at a primal level.

Here are some loving and supportive affirmations you can say to yourself throughout the day and during meditation:

I will stay here and support you.

Welcome to the world, I’ve been waiting to hold you.

I love you just the way you are.

I’m so glad you’re here.

I want to take care of you.

I want to spend time with you.

I want to hear your thoughts and feelings.

It’s OK to feel sad and scared.

It’s OK to be yourself.

You’re allowed to say no.

You are so special to me.

You have so much to offer the world.

I believe in you.

I will protect you against harm.

You can say these affirmations as many times as you need, whenever is necessary during the day. You might even like to use a special voice when saying these affirmations, such as the voice of a wise old man or a loving mother.

Also feel free to create your own loving affirmations! The list above will help you get started, but often the most powerful affirmations organically arise from your deepest needs.

6. Do an inner child visualization/meditation

You will need to dedicate about half an hour or more to this exercise. Find a quiet and comfortable space, and either sit or lie down.

Imagine that you are about to meet your inner child. You walk outside into your backyard and he/she is playing in a sandbox. What age is he/she? You walk up to your inner child and sit down. “Hello,” you might say, introducing yourself. You look into the eyes of your inner child. What is he/she feeling towards you? Curiosity? Trepidation? Shyness? Skepticism? Excitement? Respect your inner child and his/her boundaries. If he/she wishes to hug you or shake your hand, let that happen. If not, it’s okay. Your inner child may just need to warm up to you. You might next wish to ask, “What do you need the most?” If you are communicating with your infant self during this visualization, the response might come as a visceral feeling as opposed to communicating with your school-aged self who might respond verbally. If your inner child tells you what they need, provide a safe space for them. Let them feel heard, seen, understood, and loved by you. You might like to share with them how much you love and care for them, and wish them to be cared for. If your inner child wishes to be cradled, hugged, or held, embrace the opportunity. Once you feel that your mission to connect with your inner child has been completed, you can visualize yourself walking back into your house. Focus on your breathing, stretch your body, and open your eyes.

I recommend journaling about the experience. Journaling is a wonderful tool for self-reflection, deepening your self-understanding, and also serving as a way to document your progress. So take a few minutes to do it!

7. Be your own protector and nurturer

As adults, it’s important that we take responsibility for our emotional well-being. Feeling safe in this world is extremely important and essential for our inner child to thrive. Signs that you feel unsafe in this world may include:

Constant anxiety around others

Tendency to worry excessively

Inability to trust others

Inability to trust yourself and your abilities

Feeling afraid to do things by yourself

Harsh criticism of yourself

Fear of trying new things or going to new places

Assuming the worst in every situation

If you can relate to the feeling of constantly ‘being on edge’ in the world and around others, I strongly recommend focusing on feeling safe with yourself. Constant self-criticism, ignoring your needs, lacking personal boundaries, always putting others above yourself, and changing yourself to be accepted all keep you in a fearful state of not feeling safe.

While our parents or guardians may not have fulfilled most of our needs (or any of our needs), the beautiful truth is that we can. The concept is strange, even foreign to us, but we can be our own parents!

The benefits of re-parenting yourself?

Greater happiness and optimism

Improved creativity

Healthier mind, body, and soul

Stronger friendships and relationships

Development of essential life skills: acceptance, forgiveness, vulnerability, compassion, self-love

If you find it really hard to re-parent your inner child, seeking help from an inner child work familiarized therapist will be a wise investment. Therapists, after all, act as substitute parents. They can listen to and help coach your inner child, while supporting and strengthening your inner parent.

If you prefer to go solo, that is absolutely possible. However, please do seek out a support network if you can, whether online or in real life.

[reikisessions]

Radical Gratitude: How to Turn Your Pain into Peace

My journey to living in gratitude began in 2010. And let me say that up until that time, until I was age forty-five, I was a complainer, griper, and a whiner, with absolutely no reason to complain!

Luckily, I was saved from these very wasteful, counter-productive habits when I was given a blank journal one Thanksgiving season by a New Thought minister, who told us if we journaled five things we were grateful for forty days, our life would change exponentially for the better.

I dutifully wrote my gratitude lists, and oh my god, my life did change. It worked! I let go of complaining and started focusing on all the good in my life, and there is plenty.

Since then:

1. I have written five or ten things to be grateful for almost every day for years and years. Each morning and each evening, I also reflect on what I am thankful for.

2. I have realized (and I am thankful) that it is now my calling and passion to share the power of gratitude to inspire others.

3, Because of my passion to share gratitude, I have written and published five books on gratitude!

Nowadays, I keep my gratitude practice alive and well by sending out daily email gratitude reflections to a group, and I also write letters to the Universe several times a week about what I am thankful for now, and in advance. I find that each year, my gratitude practice expands. Nowadays, I often write paragraphs rather than a short list about what I am grateful for.

Did you know that scientific studies prove that being grateful helps to be more peaceful, more joyful, and healthier? It is said that you cannot be simultaneously mad or depressed while being grateful, and I’ve found this to be true.

It is my belief that we can almost always find a reason to be grateful, even when confronted with tragedies, unexpected disasters, or even ill health—a practice known as “radical gratitude.” And this holds true for challenging people in our lives as well. Here are two disclaimers:

Forgiveness and acceptance can often be key to finding the gratitude in a situation, but these two concepts will not be discussed in this article. The article would be too long!

One more disclaimer: I realize there are some tragedies where a person cannot ever feel gratitude, such as losing a loved one or being sexually abused. It may not work for everybody and every situation.

But more often than not, we can find the gratitude in negative situations in our life.

My Personal Experience of Finding Gratitude in Tough Times

In the summer of 2018, Oregon (where I live) had many devastating wildfires. We watched in horror and disbelief as it came closer and closer to our home. It became obvious we would probably be evacuated. The smoke was black, firefighters and National Guard were checking everyone’s IDs before letting them enter the street to our house.

Neighbors and I got out of our cars to stop and watch it burning fields and trees so close to our homes. I tried to keep a positive attitude, but it got to be only a half-mile up the street from our house. Very, very scary! I love where we live, and the thought of losing our home was terrifying.

On a Saturday afternoon, as I tried to take a nap to escape, our phones started ringing and texting that we were in Level 3, evacuation time. Get out now.

We took our dogs and my cockatiels, computer, important papers, and some clothes and left the rest. We were evacuated for six days and got to come home—all houses and neighbors were thankfully safe and sound. Here are my gratitude takeaways:

1. We were taken in by friends from the Center for Spiritual Living where I attend, and actually about eight other people had offered us refuge as well. I am very grateful for that, and for Alison and Gary who made us feel at home, helping me set my computer up at their house so I could work and putting up with us and our messy pets. We all became much closer friends through this experience, and we socialize with them regularly.

2. I am now grateful for the firefighters and all personnel who helped—in my heart, not only in my head. They are amazing!

3. I think the biggest gratitude I have for the wildfire experience is that I was able to surrender and let go of coming back to our home. This was the only way to stay sane, and that was a gift. After all, it is love, not possessions that matter, and I got clearer on that through the experience.

When I was thirty-five, I lost my beautiful mother when she was only fifty-seven through cancer. This was a horrible time in my life. I remember waking up feeling good and then immediately feeling dread and sorrow, when I remembered that Mom would die soon.

One of my gratitude takeaways from that grief-stricken time is that I was Mom’s main caregiver, and that brought me much closer to her in those last nine months. My sisters and I got closer because of that experience, and that was the first time I got introduced to A Course in Miracles, a spiritual set of lessons that changed my life for the better.

My mother had what I called “Angels” helping her from The Center for Attitudinal Healing in Tiburon, CA and they studied A Course in Miracles, which prompted me to study it as well, because they were so giving and inspirational to me.

Also, before she died, my mother spent time reflecting on her cancer and what could have caused it, and felt that being a people-pleaser and fearful all her life had prompted the disease. She left me with the message not to be like her, which I am very grateful for and have always remembered, and changed my codependent behavior because of it. Additionally, we had time to say goodbye, which cancer usually provides, and that was a big blessing too.

One more example that changed my life incredibly in so many ways was going through a divorce after twenty-four years. This was a very difficult decision, I wasn’t sure if it was the right one, and my ex-husband ended up deciding for us. I was heartbroken. So heartbroken that I finally sought out the Center for Spiritual Living, in Santa Rosa, CA, which many people in my life had gently suggested I might attend because they felt I would love it too. And I did!

From the moment I entered, I got tears in my eyes, seeing all the loving, warm people. As I listened to the talk, I realized even more that this would be my spiritual home the rest of my life, and it has been.

I am eternally grateful for my divorce now. I took the spiritual classes voraciously; became a licensed practitioner, now serving in Oregon where I live. I am blessed to teach spiritual classes and workshops, and in 2019, I spoke at two Centers for Spiritual Living about the topics in this article.

I eventually met my second husband, who I have been with for almost twenty years, and we are much more compatible. He asked me to move to Oregon and I did. And I am in love with the forest, rivers, and beauty. None of this would have happened had I stayed in my first marriage. Very thankful!

In each of these cases, some gratitude was easily available, but more came later. It may take time, even many years to find the gratitude, but looking for it helps your healing.

I want to mention several well-known people and how they found radical gratitude in their lives. Each is very inspiring to me!

Viktor Frankl was a psychiatrist who ended up being put into a concentration camp during the Holocaust, and amazingly, found a way to stay positive. He ended up writing a very impactful book as a result of his experience—Man’s Search for Meaning—which has sold fifteen million copies and thus, impacted so many people’s lives.

His premise is that we need to find meaning in life, and that will help carry us through even the hardest situations. He was a walking example. Here is a quote from his powerful book:

“Everything can be taken…but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

Will Pye who wrote a wonderful book on the subject of radical gratitude, The Gratitude Prescription, after he was diagnosed with a brain tumor and, through gratitude, healed himself completely.

Here is a quote from his excellent book:

“In looking at our self and our life story through the lens of gratitude, we can come into contact with the beauty and heroism inherent in every human alive. Gratitude for self supports a compassion encompassing all of us.”

There are other examples too, of physical healing, where the person ends up being grateful for the illness. Anita Moorjani realized on a deep level that we are love after a near death experience, and could let go of her fear of cancer completely, and had a spontaneous remission. It is her calling to share her findings with others, and she wrote a beautiful book about her experience, Dying to Be Me, which has reached millions of people across the world.

Helen Keller has always been one of my heroes. Even though she was deaf and blind at such a young age, she somehow always found reasons to express her gratitude. I share a very powerful quote from her:

“The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched—they must be felt with the heart. I thank God for my handicaps. So much has been given me, I have no time to ponder over that which has been denied.”

In conclusion, I truly believe that we can almost always find gratitude in even the most challenging situations. It may take time, so be patient. Life is about how we respond to it, and we are always at choice, like Victor Frankl and Helen Keller so beautifully prove. I feel my own life examples also show this.

Being radically grateful is not always easy but incredibly worthwhile. Our attitude truly affects our lives, and living with gratitude is powerful beyond measure.

About

Deborah Perdue

Deborah Perdue, author of the beautiful Grace of Gratitude Journal, and four other gratitude books, loves to share the powerful practice of gratitude. She teaches workshops and classes and is an award-winning book designer. You can find her blogs here and listen to her talk on the same subject here. You can sign up for free daily Gratitude Reflection emails on the home page at graceofgratitude.com.

[demons-say]

Well well well! I already made a post about being a libra and how i didnt agree with the sterotypes at all, but I just googled “the dark side of libras” and i think I’ll agree with this definition more.

First line says that we are the “provacateurs“ of the zodiac. Definitely true. At school when I’m forced to spend time with people I don’t like I try to make their life as hard as possible while also being funny. I’ll twist and take their words out of context, and not even try to be nice, unless tea is being spilt because that is what I’m here for.

Second paragraph says that though they are peacemakers this peace is often tyrannical. Definitely true, but I’m always right. Fighting against the higher power will only lead to your destruction fools.

“Libra is the sign of the scales, they weigh things” always checking for other peoples reactions and changing their behavior like a shapeshifter, constantly calibrating to get a certain response. Definitely true. I get to know people I hate so that I can attack them gently. I learn triggers and then when they cross me in public I can say just the right thing. Every one else thinks nothing of it, and gets confused when they have a major freakout. I literally made a post on how to manipulate people. That should tell you something.

“If that need for balance goes too far, Libras become controlling, sneaky, and subversive. This negative behavior is the result of a Libra gift taken to its extreme—the ability to win others over.“ Yup and I enjoy that power. Sounds like a supervillain power, just the ability to mentally influence people. I can already see a minor character fighting the main character as they struggle with the grip I have on their mind. “Stop! STOP! LIsten to yourself! They’ve gotten into your head!”. My character alignment is lawful evil in public, chaotic evil when I can, and chaotic neutral when I’m apathetic.

Then it says we’re manipulative. Obviously. Have I not made myself clear?

Says they’re soft soapers, people pleasers, and finely tuned to others reactions so they get charged with being fake and it’s hard to know how they really feel about you. Yup, all true. No one’s ever accused me of being fake (yet)  but I do put up a nice front. There’s two boys in my church that I positively DETEST but I smile and chat with them. Meybe I can use them later. I also have a friend who I don’t care about at all. She just got emotionally attached to me. I usually just try to mess with her over text, but I think she’s just trying to be edgy and is very lame. She thinks she’s smarter than me because I say weird things just to get a reaction.

Let’s make this post shorter. They say we deny everything we don’t want to hear. I don’t think that’s true for me, but who knows. Maybe I’m just denying that too.

Self obsessive? Nah dude, I don’t care too much as long as I have people to play with. If I have my puppets I need nothing else.

It also says we avoid conflicts we don’t want to deal with. Yeah sort of. In church today I was asked a question I didn’t have an answer to so I just turned to the friend on my right and said, “Adam, would you like to explain it?” and he did. IT was a relief.

It also says we weave a web of lies to avoid responsibility for our actions. Thus far I haven’t had many chances for lying but I can’t wait to try. I am a great liar but I don’t see people who don’t know me well often enough.

Anyway, No ones going to read this so who cares. Have a terrible day (: