#and he can't talk to dean about it because he's not there (physically or mentally)

[serendipity0930]

nono dw I'm so normal about post-trials chronic illness sam ! sooo normal like. I have a regular amount of thoughts about sam's body post-trials

[apocalypseornaw]

Fantasies

Dean Winchester x Reader

You start having dreams about the eldest Winchester which puts a strain on your friendship

You groaned lightly from the tightness in your side, it was decorated vibrant shades of purple from the last hunt. All of you were currently sticking to the bunker and licking your physical or mental wounds until the next case called.

You walked out of your room trying to decide if you wanted to go in search of coffee or just wander through the stacks in the library. Sleep wouldn't find you and your mind wouldn't allow you to simply lay in bed.

You ended up deciding on a bottle of water before going in search of a book to busy your mind until maybe exhaustion would win out. You walked quietly into the library and was surprised to find you weren't the only occupant of the bunker still up.

Dean sat at the table, an open lore book in front of him but you could tell from the look in his eyes his mind was on anything but the book. "Dean?" You called and he startled slightly which honestly shocked you. No one snuck up on Dean.

He smiled when his eyes landed on you "What are you doing up sweetheart? You got pretty banged up" you rolled your eyes despite the smile slipping onto your face. Of course he was worried about your side when Sam had to put his left shoulder back into place. "I'm fine Dean. Are you ok?"

He nodded then stopped "No, I'm not. Can we talk?" You laughed lightly "We're talking now Winchester" he narrowed his eyes at you so you grinned "Sorry" then walked over to sit next to him but instead he grabbed your hand at the last moment and directed you to the table in front of him.

It wasn't unusual for any of you to end up sitting on the table during a rundown of a hunt but that was when it was all three of you and you were fully dressed. Now you were wearing the long tshirt you'd worn to bed and a pair of boys boyshorts that barely covered everything. You sat down in front of Dean and pressed your legs together, pulling the shirt down "What's wrong Dean?"

He leaned forward, tentatively putting one hand on your bare leg "You" "Me?" You asked and he nodded "Jody may have let somethings slip to me" you felt your face warm, why would she do that? You'd told her in confidence. "I know you don't feel the same about me Dean" you barely whispered, keeping your eyes down on your lap.

He leaned forward to catch your face in one of his hands, forcing your eyes to meet his "How do you know I don't? How do you know if you're not the only thing ever on my mind? How I hate you wearing this damn outfit to bed because if I ever catch Sam looking I'm gonna knock his head off. How I'd give anything to bend you over this table and show you just how much I feel the same about you"

By that time he'd moved from his chair to be standing between your legs, one hand holding your face while the other was still on your leg. You could feel your heart in your throat when you saw the hunger in those gorgeous green eyes that was watching your every move. "Show me" you whispered and a grin worked its way onto his face. He caught your lips in a bruising kiss as you felt his hand slid up your leg to your inner thigh. When his fingers brushed over your clothed core you moaned lightly and he smirked against your lips "Damn that's a beautiful sound"

He slipped one finger under the shorts and groaned when he realized you weren't wearing any panties. He plunged two fingers into you and your hips bucked up towards him. His eyes went from your face down to watch as he fucked you with his fingers "So damn pretty,coming apart on my fingers. Can't wait to feel that little pussy stretched around me"

He caught your lips again, slowly exploring your mouth with his own as he worked you closer to that edge. The moment his fingers grazed that spot inside of you, you clenched hard around his fingers and he moaned "Fuck, baby I'm trying to take this slow but you're making it hard"

You pulled back from the kiss just long enough to slip your shirt over your head, leaving you completely bare from the waist up "Take it slow later Dean but for now please just fuck me like you want me" He closed his eyes just for a second but you could see his jaw clench tightly. When he opened his eyes they were a darker shade of green and fuck his voice sounded deeper than usual when he said "Yes ma'am"

"WAKE UP SLEEPING BEAUTY. WE GOT A CASE" Dean's voice booming through your bedroom door jolted you awake. Your heart was pounding wildly and you were fairly certain your panties were soaked. Fuck. These dreams about Dean had started months ago, they had been sporadic at best but now it was beginning to be a reoccurring thing. How the hell could you keep living in close quarters, hunting side by side when the one thing you wanted from him you knew you couldn't have?

Reality

[saturnneedsspace]

My whole world was flipped upside down the other day when I found out there was a lot of Sam haters in the spn fandom. I simply do not understand.

Yeah, sure, Sam did some messed up things. But so did every other character in the show.

He got addicted to demon blood because of Ruby and this alien feeling that was cast upon him because of John. His own father thought he was a monster, so you gotta know that's gonna do something to your self esteem and cause you to go out of your way to be accepted.

He traps himself in Hell with Lucifer to save his brother and the rest of the world, knowing how much trauma that will cause him. And when he got out, he didn't have a soul, which all the fault lies with Cas on that one. And when he got his soul back, he wasn't the same. The sheer trauma he had from being roomies with Lucifer was more than enough to drive any normal person insane, and he still endured silently for a long time, before he went so crazy he was forced to be put in a mental hospital. He physically could not sleep because Lucifer was taunting him so much. And the only way he ever got better was because Cas took all that trauma into himself.

Yeah, maybe Sam didn't look for Dean when he was in Purgatory, and instead spent his time with a woman instead, but he had no clue where Dean was. The last time he saw his brother, he stabbed Dick, and then him and Cas disappeared into thin air. There was no clues whatsoever to where he was. And all Dean ever wanted was for Sam to have a normal life, so after he presumes Dean dead, he does what he thinks his brother would have wanted for him.

He's angry at Dean for Gadreel, and rightfully so. His brother took away his choice in the matter by tricking him into saying yes. He was ready to die. He told Death to make sure he can't be resurrected. He wanted to die. And yes, obviously as a brother, you don't want your younger siblings to die. That's a given. But he took away Sam's choice in that and forced him to be possessed, which is where most of his trauma comes from. He was possessed by several, terrible people at one point, and it was literal torture for him. He watched helplessly as his own hands murdered and hurt many people, some of them being his own friends and family. And then it just gets worse when Gadreel forces him to kill Kevin later on.

Sam searches the ends of the Earth for Demon!Dean and even when he's told several times to stop going after him, he doesn't listen. He knows he was mistaken when he didn't look for Dean in Purgatory, so he fights to make up for it by searching for him now. Dean tries to kill him, tells him to go away, leave him be, and Sam doesn't. He does everything he can to cure him. And he does with the help of Cas. He never gave up, even long after Dean already did.

And Sam releasing Amara wasn't all his fault. Charlie, Cas, and (reluctanlty) Rowena agreed to help, too. They're all just as guilty as him. And as much as I hate saying that about Charlie, considering it got her killed, it's true. They all helped remove the mark. They all released Amara. It wasn't their intention, but they all wanted to save Dean from himself and from hurting others. They all knew how much it hurt him to not have control over his anger. They were all just trying to help and were prepared to face the consequences of that, no matter what they were, because it was for Dean and they all loved him. (This is excluding Rowena at this point obvi)

Sam is the only one who cares for Jack after he's born. Yes, Cas would've defended that kid with his life if he were still alive, but he wasn't. Only Sam and Dean were. And the first thing Dean does when he sees Jack is shoots him. Sam talks to him. Sam understands him. Sam was him. He relates to the kid in a way no one else probably could, and so he fights his brother about it. He fights to protect the misunderstood kid who's defined by the blood that runs through his veins, though he desperately tries to prove it's not who he is. People only say Dean and Cas were Jack's fathers. But Sam was Jack's first father, the first person to see him for who he truly was.

And then he shot God, getting himself injured in the process and ultimately helping them take Him down. He was a vital character through the series and sacrificed so much. He didn't deserve all that happened to him, and frankly, it makes me mad when people hate on him.

[goddessofhuntartimas]

Comfort

Paring: Dean winchester x reader

Warnings⚠️⚠️:mentions of self-harm, blood, depression, drinking,swearing,fufffff

Summary: Dean comforting you after a breakdown.

°♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡°

You're pov:

I was currently in my room that I have here at the bunker crying. I liked to claim I was strong and I could get through anything, but the truth is I can't. Every day gets harder and harder, and the scars on my body grow to the point that there's no room anymore. There's no breathing room it's not like I'm only physically suffocating but mentally. So again, here I was crying in my room, deciding if I should shut out the lights that was until someone knocked on my door. Sam walked in with a book. In hand "Hey, I was wondering..." he stopped mid sentence, giving me a worried expression. "Hey. hey, what's wrong? " he said in a soft tone. I looked away."I don't want to talk about it, " my voice cracked. "Ok.... do you want me to get dean?" He asked, unsure of what to do, "no! Don't please dont. " I began not wanting trouble, dean more than I've already have. It's not like dean didn't know where every scar has come from or what's been going on in my mind, but for the past 2 months, I've been distant and covering up and to my luck he's been really busy so it definitely been hard for him to completely notice and I say completely because he has asked if I'm ok or would ask why I'm acting differently which I would reply with "it's nothing just been busy" or "I'm ok just tired" but that could be further from the truth. "Are you sure?" Sam asked one more time "yeah I was just overthinking nothing too bad." Lie. "Well, im always here if you need me." Ok, thank you." I said blantly. He walked out, and I sighed, flopping down on the bed. I'm so tired, but I couldn't sleep. I kept on tossing and turning.

Sam's pov:

After what y/n looked like, there was no way in hell I wasn't not going to tell Dean. Would I possibly get my ass beat later? Yes, I would. "Hey, dean. I need to tell you something, and I need you not to freak out." " Sammy, you tell me not to freak out then I'm going to, but what is it." I let out a sigh."It's um y/n. I'm worried about her." Dean got out of his seat and stated, walking, hearing all that he needed to. "Wait." I grabbed his arm he looked back at me, annoyed. "Listen, she didn't want me to say anything, so just pretend like you were asking her something." I gave him pleading eyes. "Ok" he pulled away walking to her room.

Y/n pov:

I got up to change putting one one of deans shirts hoping it would help me sleep and a pair of shorts. I was about to walk out of the room to go grab a beer, but I was met with a pair of green eyes that were filled with worry. He walked towards me, pulling me into a hug. I was tense at first but caved into his touch, and there I was crying again more like sobbing. His head was resting on mine while his hands moved up and down my back. "Baby, do you want to tell me what's wrong?" His voice deep and caring I pulled from him looking down speaking quietly." I just can't anymore dean. I just can't it's all too much." He put his hand on my cheek, creasing it and wiping my tears away. "Hey, sweetheart. Look at me." I looked into his eyes. " Why didn't you tell me sooner?" " Because I didn't want to worry you. You are going through so much yourself it's the last thing I want to do is make you worry." I couldn't hold in my tears. I just wanted to crumble to the floor. " it doesn't matter what I'm going through. You need to tell me what's going on, and we can work it out together because this right here isn't going to do anything. And trust me, it's something I need to work on to." "Ok" I whispered. " I'll be right back," he walked off . I was sitting on the edge of the bed curdled up in a ball, waiting for dean to come back. He walked in with a different pair of clothes on he smiled at me. God, i love that smile. I gave him a slight one back . He got under the covers, giving me a look to come over to him. I sat on his lap and kissed him. He followed my actions, putting his hands on my waist , we moved slowly . We pulled away. " I love you," I said softly. "I love you too, sweetheart." I moved to the side if him laying my head on his chest, and finally, I felt at peace.

[chiisana-sukima]

@aliasl OP's post chain is getting very long and I don't want to clog it up further, but I am actually interested in talking about this further with you if you want, so I've moved to a new post. I thought you were being condescending to OP on a post he made where his point was correct, so I was being condescending in turn. But from your response here it sounds like maybe that wasn't your intent? Which, if that's so, I misread your tone, I apologize, and if you're interested, I'd like to have a do over.

Because, okay, I'm just gonna come out and say it: I hate r*pe. It is a trigger for me in media. If I feel like a piece of media is depicting sexual assault in a disrespectful or careless way - using it as shock value, not having more to say than "wow, that's bad" - I can't stand it, and I block that shit for my mental health. If you honestly think possession is THE metaphor for sexual assault, with the frequency it appears in Supernatural, I'd be appalled.

I think you should be appalled. I think contempt is an appropriate response. I was throwing shade, because I think the writers deserve it.

I do also firmly believe it's possible to be a huge fan of spn while also being appalled at certain aspects of it, and I can respect that if sexual assault is something that's triggering for you, it's perfectly reasonable to avoid that reading for yourself. It is still there though and many of the instances of sexual assault metaphor are central to the text, whether the authors intended it or not. And while I too have read Barthes, and I understand his work was revolutionary for its time, I don't think DotA is adequate to the task of dealing with a text that frequently compares something to rape and then moves right along and ignores the fact that it just did so. I think the authors' motivations, cultural context and intent are worth examining in this kind of case. (I do also understand that Barthes wasn't saying you couldn't examine those things, just that the stated intent of the author wasn't authoritative. Which I agree with. I don't think he was wrong, just that other schools of literary theory are more useful here because it does matter why tptb felt that was a reasonable thing to do).

please show your math

In reference to the family violence reading of spn, it's daunting to show my math because my math is the whole show. It starts in the cold open of 1x01, where we're shown a cozy scene of the suburban dream of family and then dad falls asleep in his marine corp T-shirt watching a war movie, and a demon--played, in this scene, by the same actor as the dad--stands over a baby's crib, drips his body fluid into the baby's mouth, corrupting him forever, and burns the mother and the cozy suburban home to ashes because (we later learn) she sold the baby to him in exchange for her husband. Then the baby's now adult brother breaks into the now adult child's apartment, they have a physical altercation and go off on a case together involving a woman who murdered her two children and killed herself because her husband was unfaithful. The resolution is her ghost is dragged off to hell by the ghosts of her dead children. Then they go back to Stanford and Sam's girlfriend and apartment are burned to ashes by a demon who is later insinuated to be Sam's lover in order to facilitate the plot to have Sam and Lucifer kill their respective brothers in a bizarre prophecy apparently ordained by Lucifer and Michael's father. This is war = family = hunting = ghosts = violence all the way down.

And my math ends in the finale with Sam and Dean shown living a happy domestic life until they go off on a hunt, where Dean is killed while saving two children from a monster they and their father had previously tried to kill but failed. He dies telling Sam he's proud of him for standing up to their father and, for the first time on screen, saying he loves Sam. What issue exactly is he proud that Sam always stood up to John about? Dean doesn't say but we know where the show started: Sam didn't want to be a hunter and their father disowned him for disobedience.

In the middle are too many examples to count. Sam, Dean, Cas, Bobby, Jack, and literally all the angels grew up in abusive families. The entire plots of s4-5, s9-11, and in large part s13-15 turn explicitly on family violence. Amara's brother kills her. Jo is Sam and Dean's found little sister and their father got her father killed. Cas somehow ends up Claire's surrogate found father even though he got her real father killed. Rowena abandoned Crowley as a child. Max turned Alicia into a twig doll over whom he has absolute power. Charlie died as a result of Sam and Dean's family conflict. God himself is the abusive father/monster who Sam, Dean and Jack finally escape the cycle of violence by depowering and not killing. I have never seen any other reading that accounts for the whole of spn anywhere near as well as the family violence reading does. If you have one, I encourage you to offer it to me.

So let's talk about angels. You seem upset that I left them out

I was, yes. I'm going to go under a cut for this one since you said this topic is triggering for you. I know there's limited utility in telling you I don't expect you to read it if you don't want to, because I'm unfortunately well aware of how hard it is to not approach triggering topics once they're broached. I just wanted to say here before the cut that I honestly didn't intend to trigger you, I empathize with how much getting triggered sucks (I've had ptsd for ~50 years), and I wish only health and happiness for you in whatever struggle you are going through in relation to this topic. If you do want to still engage in general but step away from this specific aspect, that's truly fine with me (not that you need a stranger on the internet's permission, obviously).

If you go back and rewatch the series from the beginning, demonic/ghost possession was not sexualized (except in a singular joke Dean cracks at Sam after he was possessed by Meg; a joke Dean feels comfortable making because Sam was NOT sexually assaulted

I swear I am offering this not as confrontation, but gently: the above is not the case. There are two suggestive jokes about possession in that episode alone, and Sam was sexually assaulted by Meg, as was Jo. The scene where Meg!Sam comes onto Jo and then traps Jo when she asks Meg!Sam to leave and bangs Jo's head against the bar is a sexual assault of both Sam and Jo simultaneously.

In Sin City, Ruby tells Sam that demons leave their hosts "rode hard and put up wet". And in s4, Sera Gamble had Ruby inhabit a brain dead vessel precisely because she was too uncomfortable with what would otherwise imply Sam's rape of Ruby's vessel. In Repo Man, the A plot turns on a host who "wanted it" and became romantically attracted to the demon possessing him, while the B plot is about Sam reluctantly asking Hallucifer for help and then being told by Hallucifer that he wanted it too. In Devil May Care, Dean and Abaddon have a whole scene in which they both discuss her threatened possession of him in sexual terms while she forces him to kneel in front of her suggestively. In Road Trip Crowley says he'll leave Sam as soon as he delivers his message because he's "not one for sloppy seconds" and in First Born he says he and Dean are "practically family" because Crowley has "been inside your brother". And these are just the examples I can think of off the top of my head. I'm positive there are others as well.

And yes, I was angry about the exclusion of angels because none of the above are even the most horrifying examples of the text overlapping possession and rape. Those are all about angels.

Here is where I think Barthes fails us in this particular discussion. I actually agree with you that tptb were at the very least pretending that they didn't make this comparison over and over. It's possible they didn't realize they were doing it. And certainly they thought they were indeed talking about "bigger" issues. That's clear from the text.

In s4-5 for example, I have no disagreement with you that their intended reading had to do with free will versus outside manipulation by greater powers. But "free will vs outside manipulation" is not actually a bigger issue than rape. It's just more abstract.

Obviously, abstractions are important, and the ability to move between levels of abstraction is an important skill. But it is not imo in our best interests as human persons to hold a framework in our minds in which an abstraction like free will is more worthy of art, of in depth analysis, of being taken seriously, than a ubiquitous concrete harm like sexual assault. This is especially true for those of us who are rape survivors (I am one, and since you said it was triggering, I'm now assuming either you or someone you know well is probably another), but I would argue it's true for everyone. Nothing trumps the concrete. We are at its mercy. Cartesian dualism is a lie.

I think some of tptb were perhaps going for some shock value but were also taking their metaphor seriously. Edlund, Gamble, Charmelo & Snyder, Glynn, and Jared were among these. Some of the rest though, I think should be ashamed of themselves. The person who wrote this exchange (Adam Glass)

needs--and I mean this in the most academic and analytic way possible--to go fuck himself. There's really nothing more that needs to be said about that dialogue in the way of analysis. Go fuck yourself, Adam Glass is sufficient.

[bombingqueen]

Season 1 Overview

Season Rating: 8/10

This was a good season. I honestly miss when SPN was this grounded before the Angels entered. Season 1 has so many classic and good hunts and the best moments of brotherly bonding between the boys. And just innocence is bliss with those two.

Dean loves so much and so fiercely. Like, how does Sam and John not melt away from all that intensity? Especially Sam. Dean's love for Sam is pure devotion and adoration even if it goes beyond human comprehension to others. Literally Dean is the personification of love in all forms. Dean is terrifying when the ones he loves are in danger and there is no regret because he will do everything and anything for what he considers his. And it comes at the cost of himself. He will let people take advantage of him just to protect what's his. The fact that he stood up to John and put himself on Sam's side to show where his loyalty has begun to shift. (John straight up did abandon Dean and not just physically. Dude just wanted to have his Dad love him without his mistakes being thrown in front of his face or without the YED or Sam taking priority). I love this man even if he is an obsessive and possessive bastard.

Sam makes my heart hurt and bleed. This boy has been through so much and honestly I wish Sam never did return to the life. Season 1 Sam is so good and so pure (he still is in later seasons but there is something about season 1 Sam). The way he looks at a witness or family member of the victim in the eye and makes his voice gentle. The way he subtlety takes care of Dean. Putting his body in front of others to take the blow. I love him even if he doesn't believe he should be loved. It hurts how he is never the same after the encounter with the yellow eyed demon. He hides all that hurt, anger, and love behind a facade. I love how Sam looks at Dean differently with a whole new perspective. The way Sam looks at Dean just hurts; this boy loves his brother so much but also fears that he could lose Dean like he lost Jess. Sam during this season keeps his distance from Dean and the closer they get to the YED, the more he is losing himself to Dean's orbit. I'm sure Sam knew that once he let Dean in there was no turning back to 'normal.' The cross he bears would have killed him if he didn't have Dean to pull him from the edge. Dean is his constant, his compass, and his north star. The love the boys have for each other is unreal at times. Can't live with him, can't live without him (totally took that line from Hannibal. Speaks so loud of entangled lives.).

As much as I do not like John as a parent. He did what he thought was best at the time. I don't agree with the emotional and mental trauma he gave his boys but loss has a way twisting love into something unbearable. Unimaginable. And it is a torture to get up each day to imagine a world where it could be snatched away again. Bearing the weight of the cross is the life of a Winchester.

I am deliberately not talking about Mary yet because of the role she plays later on. I'm gonna be focusing on the Winchester men for most of the series.

Missouri is amazing and I love her. I wish we got to see more of her.

Top 5 Episodes:

Home (This deserves a post just for itself honestly. Mary's I'm sorry is just astounding considering future episodes. Also, John is once again a dick. Dean begging his father to come back is so freakin' sad but good television)

Dead in the Water (This episode just gives so much insight into Dean and how the trauma over his mom's death is so ingrained in every interaction he has with others that are in a similar situation or just vulnerable)

Nightmare (Gut-wrenching knowing what could have been with Dean and Sam if John had made a different decision and the events that would have happened had Sam powers was used for evil. This is also such a smooth transition into the bigger plot at hand and where the show really started picking up steam)

Faith (John is just an asshole period. You care so much about keeping them safe but you don't check up on your dying son. Sure John. Sam and Dean love each other more than life itself okay. Their love continues getting more and more possessive with each near death. Beautiful)

Something Wicked (Dean never was and was never gonna be a child. Had the weight of the world on his shoulders in more ways than one)

The Worst Episode:

Route 666 (This episode has literally always made me uncomfortable not gonna lie. Being a black woman has made me look at this episode in so many different ways and it just makes me upset for a lack of a better word. Considering that they don't revisit this type of thing again says something. That is a huge can worms that does not always end well.)

Favorite Quotes:

"People don't come here for the truth. They come for good news." - Missouri (Home)

"Man, I'm not going to give you a loaded pistol!" - Dean (Asylum)

"A young man with an important purpose. A job to do. And it isn't finished." - Roy (Faith)

"Sam's my responsibility. He's coming back. I'm bringing his back." - Dean (Benders)

"Yeah, I don't want you to leave the second this thing's over, Sam." - Dean (Shadow)

"These guy...probably bitchslap them both," - Sam (Hell House)

"Spent it on ammo." - John (Dead Man's Blood)

"I want you to go to school. I want-want Dean to have a home." _ John (Salvation)

[queermania]

So I just read a post canon fix it fic that I'm struggling with. The concept was Dean is still alive and rescues Cas from the Empty because he's in love with him too then instead of getting together Dean decides he needs to get his act together so he goes to AA and AA has a rule that you can't date anyone for the first year. So Dean goes through all of this while living with Cas and basically stringing Cas along or I guess not stringing him along because it does lead to them getting together at the end of the year so I guess my problem is just that I don't understand why he would need to wait a year to be with the guy he loves. It's almost infantalizing like poor Dean can't be trusted to make a decision about who he loves because he's an alcoholic. Alcoholics and addicts aren't children who can't be trusted with feelings. Sorry I just got really mad. Lol.

i've been sitting on this for awhile because this is a complex issue and when it comes to dean winchester specifically, i think any conversation about his relationship with alcohol necessitates a discussion about what constitutes addiction, what constitutes being an addict, what constitutes recovery, what constitutes sobriety, etc. and that's not really a discussion i'm equipped to have on tumblr dot com.

but i will say that i've seen push back on the one year rule floating around tumblr and other social media sites for years now. there seems to be this misconception that the rule is a sort of extension of the idea of "if you don't love yourself, how can you expect someone else to" and from that perspective, i get the push back. but that's not why the rule exists. it's not even a rule. it's a guideline, and it exists to protect people in recovery, not coddle or infantilize them, or strip them of their independence.

people who are suddenly sober after months or years of using are vulnerable–emotionally, mentally, and physically. their brain chemistry is literally different. they're in a position they haven't been in for a long time (if ever) and it's very common for people recovering to try to sublimate their addiction with attention from another person. it's kind of like a smoker who is trying to quit and ends up snarfing down chocolate. anything to staunch the craving.

obviously sublimating drugs with romance or sex isn't good, but the real issue is that it leaves already-vulnerable people perfectly positioned to be taken advantage of. and this isn't me trying to psychoanalyze a situation. it's a known phenomenon in recovery communities—that predators go after recovering addicts in the early stages of their recovery—to the point that it's a "joke." people (typically men but not always) who are farther along in their recovery prey on the newbies. out here the joke is that they're 13th steppers (like they've completed the full 12 steps and the next one is to take advantage of someone who is just starting out). "watch out for jim. he's a 13th stepper." i'm sure the terminology varies from place to place but the fact that it's a long-standing "joke" in the community says a lot.

but anyway, that's the point. it's not that addicts aren't equipped for love or whatever. it's that when you're that early in your recovery, you're vulnerable. your self-esteem is at an all-time low. you have no experience with setting and maintaining boundaries. you're most likely isolated (or at least alienated) from your family and friends. you're lonely. you're overwhelmed with emotions. you'd do anything for someone to love you and be proud of you, and if you can't get that, negative attention is still attention.

and those are problems even if someone has the best intentions. it's very easy to fall into patterns that are bad for everybody.

now i have no idea if this is what's happening in the fic. i haven't read it. i don't even know what fic you're talking about. personally, i have complex feelings about dean and his relationship to alcohol (and "recovery"). i also have very complicated feelings about the traditional ideas of addiction and sobriety in general. but i felt compelled to defend the one year rule at least a little bit. i'm not saying it's a perfect rule and should be followed to the letter, but it exists for a reason and that reason is a good one.

[lutawolf]

UWMA Soft D/s Moments Ep 9

For those that haven't read my other Until We Meet Again D/s moment reviews. They can be found here.

At this point, Korn and In are together. Dean and Pharm are also officially together at this point, but Dean is also looking into Korn and In because he has become suspicious.

We start the episode off with the picture above. With Korn seemingly trying to decompress but being unsuccessful. He gives a slight huff when In shows up but enjoys the forehead rub. He, however, is completely uncommunicative when In asks what is wrong. This is bad for a D/s relationship and a vanilla relationship. I have to remind myself that Korn is a kid with a lot of stress on his shoulders.

In however, is actually a pretty decent sub. He gently steals a kiss from Korn. His attempt at trying to help Korn's bad mood. He gently teases when Korn asks if he really considers that a kiss. Then Korn flips In over and steals a real kiss. Easily taking over control. There inlays my issue with Korn. He wants control but can't handle the responsibility that comes with it. I get that he is a kid with a lot of stress, but as a Dom myself, this is incredibly frustrating to watch. I now know why I always skipped over them.

Fast forward to Dean finding Pharm in the library. He goes in for a hug, seeking comfort. Which is the complete opposite of who he was as Korn. Now Pharm is concerned about them being in public. That is quickly out of mind and out of sight when Dean tells him he loves him. Dean then holds onto Pharms chin, tilting up for a replying answer.

Dean remembers what he did as Korn. He is angry and upset so he naturally heads towards Pharm. Pharm says, "Can I ask?" This is two things. One being that a more submissive sub will ask permission for invading privacy. Second would be that he learned that lesson from In, because In never asked permission and it would have benefited.

Now, there are some important things to note here. People get the impression that Doms can't be vulnerable. Which is utter bullshit. We are just as human as the next person. It's just more likely that the only person to see it is our sub. My oldest daughter has seen me vulnerable a handful of times, and most of those were panic attacks. Our subs are a whole different story, though. The other thing I want to point out is that he asked. They haven't had a one on one talk about guidelines, so yes, he need to ask permission on anything that would possibly push boundaries.

Contact is extremely important not just to a D/s relationship but also to any relationship. Stress and discomfort can do so much damage to the body. Being touched can actually boost your mental and physical well-being. Touch signals safety and trust. It soothes. Basic nonsexual comfort touch can actually bring down cardiovascular stress. It activates a certain part of the brain, which is intimately involved with our compassionate response, and a simple touch can trigger the release of oxytocin. This stimulates the release of other feel-good hormones, such as dopamine and serotonin, while reducing stress hormones, such as cortisol and norepinephrine. These neurochemical changes make you feel happier and less stressed. This is why cuddle time is such an important part of After Care for a Dom and a sub.

So that's all for this episode. Hope you guys enjoy! 💜💜💜

[steely-eyedmissileman]

Supernatural, Ep. 5x13

The Song Remains the Same

it's time to talk about free will, baby!

free will is an incredibly important topic on this show, and we'll only barely touch on it. i'll have more and more to say as the show builds a body of thought on the subject. for now, it's a relatively simple discussion. as simple as it gets when we're discussing one of the most important topics in all of humanity. it's a big deal y'all, but not that big on the show yet.

michael says that free will doesn't exist. does it? i think it does, but i think it's hard. in the season 4 finale, chuck says that cas isn't supposed to be in this scene. cas says that he's changing the script. this is a clear indication that there is some free will in the world. chuck is a prophet. if free will doesn't exist, what he sees is what happens. but it isn't, at least in this one instance.

in the wider show, however, free will seems much harder to come by. the season 4 moment is worth bringing up precisely because it is unusual. the supernatural books are prophecies. it is implied, if not outright stated, that everything chuck writes is written before it actually happens. if what chuck writes is what happens, that means that dean and sam, in most cases, don't have free will. there are certainly moments that they do—chuck can't predict everything they do. he doesn't have visions of their every meal or when they go pee. if he did, he wouldn't have any time to write his books. he wouldn't have a life.

so, important actions are not free, but that can be overcome. unimportant actions are free. all this means that when michael says free will doesn't exist, he is wrong. he certainly believes he is right, but he is not. and that's the most important thing.

the other thing worth talking about in this episode is the conversation between john and sam. sam explains that he grew up as a hunter, in the life from the very beginning. john is vehemently against this, insisting that anyone who would do such a thing to a child is evil. to condemn a child, especially a very young child, to this life is to commit the greatest of sins. it's a moment that really explains how much mary meant to john. if she hadn't died in the way she did, sam and dean would not have been raised hunters. even if mary had died, if she had just passed in her sleep or in some mundane way, john would not have done what he did.

sam defends his dad, though. sam says he understands why john did what he did, and that he forgives him. sam recognizes that some things were out of his father's control and he did what he thought was right. even if it did traumatize his children, john kept them alive and well. in a lot of ways, john saved them.

in a lot of ways, john doomed them. michael is certainly right that dean and sam have been bred for this, led to this, groomed to start the apocalypse since millennia before their birth. however, john is not blameless. though he did give his sons many of the tools they needed to survive, he also destroyed their self worth and mental and physical health. john can be, and is, both villain and victim, both doing the best he could and destroying his sons. he kept his sons alive, but at what cost.

it's not all or nothing either. it's not a tremendous stretch to think of ways that john could have raised his sons in the life without driving them so utterly into the dust. there are a lot of points between 'tell them nothing' and 'do what john did.' john winchester did what he thought was best. but he was wrong.

[underthebednotebook]

Someone mind telling me why there hasn't been a Pacific Rim Wincest AU yet?

If you think about drift compatible, it is about having a neural connection and physical compatibility. Mentally and physically you have to be in sync with another person and being able to enter a neural handshake in order to drift--meaning letting another person into your head with no barriers so that you become one with your Jaeger.

TELL ME RIGHT NOW THAT DEAN AND SAM WOULDN'T BE THE BEST GODDAMN FIGHTERS IN THIS UNIVERSE.

Highest records of Kaiju taken down, highest battles won, being able to fight both in the ocean and in the land with minimal casualties (thanks to Sammy handling Dean's most combative attitude) and receiving the love and praise of everybody in the United States because they are representing the little cities with their Jaeger Dorothy Hellride.

And Dean would be so smug about it too. During the drift compatibility tests he makes a big show of fighting cadet after cadet, person after person and even go so far as to judge their moves while they are fighting and telling them that they are fighting like pretty boys just let out of the bunkers only to throw a fighting stick at Sam and asking the people if they want to see how it is done.

Sam, maybe dipping his toes into Jaeger tech and running the exams, shakes his head and rolls his eyes but decides that maybe it would be good to show them what two partners with drift compatibility look like. And so Sam and Dean talk, talk with their arms and their movements and the way they keep trying to pin each other down, until a machine shrills behind them telling them their compatability score.

97%, a nearly perfect match.

That just brings a smile to Dean's face and goes over to hug Sam and pull him downwards to ruffle his hair but Sam isn't happy at all. All of these just serve as reminders for something he can't have or he can't want. All these constant things in his life about how he and Dean are perfect for each other, one in the same, practically the same person.

It drives him insane.

So imagine one day they are doing a routine check up, keeping Dorothy Hellride (or as Dean likes to call her 'baby') in tip top shape and Dean is ready to start the neural handshake with a wink and a smile to his baby bro but his smile falters when he sees Sam look away from him.

Weird.

But the neural handshake is starting out as it usually does and Dean can't help but feel comfortable with the feeling. It's just him and Sam in here. Nobody else belongs in this space but just them. Memories just pop up as if he is driving through them. Him sneaking into Sam's crib and sleeping with him. Sam and him running through the rain sharing only one flannel. The night John and Mary died, Jaeger fight gone wrong, and Dean and Sam were sitting alone inside of Dorothy and Dean vowing to protect his baby brother from anything with the Jaeger their mom and Dad left--

And then nothing.

Dean opens his eyes and his head snaps to meet Sam.

Darkness meant that the connection was being blocked, that there was a wall in one of their heads. There is something that Sammy doesn't want him to see. He calls out to his brother and Sam just shakes his head, not knowing what is happening and Dean's voice gets louder asking for an explanation, Sam's voice gets louder saying that he doesn't know what's going on either, everything around them is just screeching that there is something wrong that has never happened before and Dean feels so hurt and so ANGRY because where the hell did this side of Sammy that he doesn't know, understand, possess came from--!

The test is kaput and Dean feels the worst he's ever felt, begging Sam to just talk to him about this sudden wall and that he promised he would protect him from anything but he can't protect him from something he doesn't know.

He probably feels even worse when Sam is nowhere to be seen the day after, leaving behind a note saying that he is going off to study more about the tech at another branch.

[mlobsters]

supernatural s12e13 family feud (w. brad buckner, eugenie ross-leming)

made me laugh in the recap that when prince of hell dude says he doesn't care that "lucifer has a bun in the oven" they cut to the lady with said oven and bun, clarify we're not dealing with a pregnant lucifer situation

still not sure what they're angling at with this whole mary working with the bad british mol people and continuing to lie about it. how very sam and ruby. hope she's not banging mr ketchup

so glad pellegrino is back for lucifer! though keeping my expectations low because i didn't like the plotlines they were working with him with the other actors. maybe his creeping dread charisma can make it work

CROWLEY I managed to pervert that spell. So your essence wasn't sent back to the cage, but instead, we found your discarded vessel a few years ago…repaired it, improved it, making it a fitting final home for the real you.

haha woohoo for me specifically! handwave some reasons we could get mark back

LUCIFER Thanks? I mean, all that effort. So you could've had me back in the cage, but no, you needed your sad, little revenge. How do you think this is going to end? Nice new digs, by the way. Cozy.

it's like a combination of delivery and his look and how he uses his face. it's just *chef's kiss*

DEAN I don't know, I just – I feel like something's going on with her, and she ain't talkin' about it. SAM Mom's hunting again. That's a grind. You know that. She just needs a little time, Dean. That's all.

potentially bad times once the cat's out of the bag. sammy givin her the benefit of the doubt

DEAN So, if you find him, we actually do have something that you'll like. Like, really like. ROWENA Who is this eyewitness?

LOL sam and dean are very excited to tell her. (also vaguely looks like they're propositioning her together and everyone is down). they're all jonesing to metaphorically dickpunch crowley

think i blanked out almost all memory of the episode with crowley's son. all i can remember is rowena's son that she had to kill

s12e13 / s12e8

looks like no more bentley badge

very pretty

MR. KETCH Really? Or is that just what you want to believe? You're different when you talk to them. Softer. Weaker. Not an insult, just an observation. But when you hunt, Mary… you're one of the best I've ever seen. Now you might play at being the good mummy, but when you're in the thick of it, nothing but a blade in your hand and blood in the air, that's the real you, the best you. And I think you know it. And I think that scares the hell out of you.

mr ketchup definitely doesn't have any ulterior motives

(do they call dogan a princess of hell?)

GAVIN I…was thinking the same thing. I loved her. She loved me. That's the only reason any of this happened. I can spare her the nightmare she's trapped in. I cannae say I ever fit here. Here, I'm alone. Fiona and me, we'll spend eternity together.

reminds me of someone else we know... blonde, gorgeous, dodging advances from condiments

CROWLEY Just 'cause Dim and Dimmer here can't keep their own family all in the same dimension, doesn't mean they can mess with mine!

LOL harsh but fair

they're playing some sad music like we're supposed to be upset or something about crowley being forced to let his son go but like. you're gonna need to do better than some C plotline from some other season never to be spoken of again except for when we wanted to add some (dubious) stakes and recurring characters into our monster of the week

welp. i'm glad this is out in the open.

the dean not being surprised and immediately shutting down, sam trying to calmly explain why he think it isn't okay. oof. 💔 saving lots of people yes, mary, good! working with the organization that brutally physically and mentally tortured sam and dean and were going to kill them, really not good! irritating because i really want to like mary and this is a stupid plot conflict they plopped her in.

i think this is the mushy music variation (at the very end of this clip)?? that was used when mary was watching a family at some outdoor thing while cas got coffee in 12x1 - but no. it's another variation on the mushy music

ROWENA It was the right thing. Maybe for Gavin, certainly for me. It allowed me to watch you suffer the loss of a child. CROWLEY Payback. ROWENA I'm your mother, dear. Who better to crush your shriveled heart?

quite sure crowley would have known that's why she did it, but thanks for the explainer, show :p (also something very funny to me about rowena using a thermos for her hot beverage)

nice music+scene selection (rolling stones too, fancy) feel like i've been transformed into some lucifer stan suddenly. so hyped to have mark back lol. not even mad that crowley made really bad choices keeping him topside :p that is impressive

i do like that they're showing us that they're still arguing about it offscreen-ish

[sar96]

The reason why stop talking to my dad is my only concern because he put me through some shit to deal with...the moment i realize he just acts on his own point of view, is when i get to know i should probably stop talking to him rather than showing his words and actions hurt me.

I only talk to my brother when it’s necessary just because i know how he does things in a so inappropriate manner when someone's contradiction happens to him. So i know there's no point for me to make him understand that you really have to listen before you act. And i choose to keep myself stop to the point since then.

I only talk to my mom every now and then because even though we had our arguments even though we get mad on each other sometimes even though she talks ill about me. She's the only safest person to me. I know that she won't make me feel like an asshole when she knows I'm going through struggle. That only person i can rely on is her.

After being ended with my bad marriage scenario there was nobody beside me except my family (mom dad and my brother) they stood by me like a shade of tree but then sometimes when any arguments hit upon them or me... They started to blame me for that divorce thing..at some point they do say others or agree that i was mentally physically emotionally abused by my ex partner, but for certain time when they feel their opinion contradicts with mine they started to put disobedient tag on me. Eventhough it’s just a normal argument about putting shoes on the reck (just an example). I mean this much little occurrences can be related to me being put an end on my marriage.

I stopped giving explanation to the people who talks behind my back the worst way possible. Which lead me to have much truma since my divorce. I am still struggling to get over from my divorce but nobodys gonna get it until they go through the same page.

I scored so brilliant result on my bachelors the i got listed for deans honor award. I used to be so ambitious towards my future. But that 1year just took all my hopes with it. I used to love that guy so much that i didn’t realize i was abused i took things as a normal couple thing which was my biggest mistake.

Now when i look back to my past i feel grateful that it was over as well as i feel traumatized that i had go through so much that i didn’t deserve.

Everyone around me gone too far with their life that i feel like I'm the only one left behind. Is it a curse or blessing? Don't know whatever it is.. It doesn’t help me anyway.

People tell me i should be grateful that got out from a person who could possibly kill me if it stays any longer.

I am grateful for being alive. But other than that there's nothing i have to be grateful for. What should i be grateful for? Being jobless? Being divorced? Being hopeless? Or being unhappy, mentally stressed woman? Who gets her breakdown every now and then.. I can't react to people when they utter anything wrong instead i cry.. People say crying is a sense of weakness and i don't feel ashamed to be weak because i know what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Even technically its hard for me.

I am still unsure where is my direction. I wanted to be happily married, corporate independent woman who dream to have taste of being a mother.

But my life turned out completely opposite.

I just Don't know how to start because everytime i start i fail..then i start again then fail again. Sometimes i feel this much depressed that being alive doesn’t make any sense to me.

But i still choose to alive because i know killing ownself is a sin in my religion. And I respect my Almighty.

To be very honest i choose silence over voice because i know i can't be heard to my surroundings. Isn't that weird? I always imagined to be the voice of truth and knowledge. But now I'm muted.

Life is unfair for some people like us. Even though it’s sounds like a high school girl but i say it is what it is..unfiltered.. But i guess we still choose to live or survive.

[weepinglevi]

patience is a virtue

summary: college!au. all aged up. eren and reader continue with their sexual escapades. find part one here! warnings: 18+ minors dni. dirty text messages, dirty talk. dom!eren and bratty reader (i suppose?). throat fucking and semi-public sex. (no p in v tho) word count: around 3.5k A/N: i have a love/hate relationship with this eren ahaha, he's been ruling my brainrot ever since the last part so i hope you enjoy! there will be a part three eventually, so be on the lookout for that! enjoy your read and feedback is greatly appreciated! xx

you awake to your phone vibrating somewhere next to you. the hope of it only being a one-time occurrence quickly proven to be false as it just wouldn't stop. brr-brr. a second of silence. brr-brr. pause. brr-brr.

taking a mental note to never go to sleep again without turning off your phone, you roll over to your other side and try to ignore it. you could simply answer the texts, but that meant you'd have to open your eyes. and that whoever was texting you would win this weird battle you've just come up with in your head.

"if you don't pick up your goddamn phone, i'll smack you over the head with it," sasha groans from the other side of your shared dorm, words coming slurry with her tiredness.

brr-brr.

"i could also stick it up your ass, your decision," a pillow comes flying to your head, serving as enough of a warning for you to sit up in your bed, rubbing the sleep from your eyes.

"quit moaning, i'll turn it off now," you yawn, feeling around your bed for your phone, "you never hear me complaining about the shit you do in the middle of the night."

"that's because my shit is funny and not fucking annoying," she scoffs, followed by a muted thump as she is sinking back down into her pillows. sasha's way of ending the conversation.

you find your phone half-tucked underneath your pillow, the display already lighting up again. someone is desperate for attention, you think to yourself and unlock your phone with an annoyed sigh. the messages were coming from an unknown number.

thinking about your wet pussy. this is eren, btw. historia gave me your number. i told her you wouldn't mind you don't mind, do you?

in a matter of seconds, your heart is beating in your throat once more, just like this afternoon in that godforsaken computer lab. ears growing hot at his words, you could almost imagine the sound of him laughing at you again. with trembling fingers, you scroll down further.

anyway, let's do it again sometime i told you. i'll never let you forget about how you moaned my name i'm also not forgetting about how badly i want to fuck that pretty mouth of yours, so it's a win-win see ya, then

staring down at your phone, you don't know if you should answer him. and even if you would answer his texts, what the hell should you say? "fucking bastard," the words escaping your mouth before even realizing that you'd better keep quiet. the only thing that could make this situation any worse was if sasha were to wake up again.

scratch that, you think as you see eren's new messages.

how badly do you want to suck my cock? you looked really hot today, covered in my cum what, you're shy again?

there are two ways this could go: either you stand up, put on some clothes, and then go to eren's dorm to let hell rain upon him - or simply mute your phone and ignore him. deciding to go with the latter, you lie back down and save his number as "fuckhead", a small grin forming on your face. if he wants to be childish, then you can be, too.

the display still lighting up at a steady pace, you have to fight the urge to open his other messages. to physically prevent yourself from grabbing your phone again, you put your hands between your thighs and sigh. what the hell have i gotten myself into?

"so, who am i gonna have to teach some manners today?", sasha asks in the morning, "because there are only two valid reasons for sending that many texts in the middle of the night," she sits up in her bed and bends over to reach for her phone, "either someone's dead or there's a food sale."

cringing at the thought of having to read the countless other messages eren has sent throughout the night, you try to laugh at her comment, "of course, when there's food involved, you're all for it."

"girl's gotta eat," she claims, thankfully being too distracted by something on her phone to notice your strange behavior, "i'm gonna be back later than usual today, connie wants me to be his wingman again."

starting to go off on a tangent about how connie should just get a dating app already, sasha's words become more of background noise to you. you want to know what he wrote. what he has in store for you. at the same time, you curse yourself out. you're turning into a headless chicken and all of it because of eren fucking yeager?

you nod here and there, offering her a "yes" at what you believe to be fitting moments, desperately hoping she doesn't catch up on your restlessness. all the while the two of you are getting ready for the day. this goes on for a few more minutes and you have no clue what she's talking about now, so you decide to grab your phone and stand up.

"i'm gonna go for a run around campus, you want coffee?" you blurt out, interrupting her monologue. the device in your hand feels as if it's burning through your skin. slipping into your trainers, you're already halfway out the room, her perplexed "uh- yes, please," being muffled by the door closing behind you.

it's still warm outside - not as hot as yesterday, but warm enough for you to be glad to have forgotten your cardigan earlier. you let out a deep breath, trying to clear your mind. even though you told sasha you'd be out for a run, you walk at a slow pace.

some people are already wandering around campus, most of them on their way to a lecture. at this time in the morning, everyone has their heads full with their own worries so no one notices you slowly making your way off-campus.

arriving at a little park surrounded by trees, you sit down on the bench farest off. you notice your heart fluttering like the wings of a hummingbird when pulling the phone out of your back pocket. fuck him, you think once again while typing in your code. fuck him for making me feel this way.

12 unread messages.

didn't seem all too shy when i had my hand wrapped around your throat no need to play hard to get when i already had you if that makes sense? haven't fucked you yet doesn't mean i won't get to fuck you

all you want is to feel appalled by these messages. to screenshot them and send them to the dean. maybe even to his mother. sickened with yourself though, you already feel the familiar warmth creeping up your body, curling up in your abdomen.

i know you want it, too how fucking needy you were for me getting yourself off in public to the thought of me maybe you can tell me what exactly you were thinking of? gonna make sure to let your dreams come true, princess

pet names? you clench your fist at the thought of eren leaning over you, breathing the word princess into your ear. you have an inkling that he'd say it mockingly; spitting it out whilst gathering your hair in a ponytail, arching your back forcefully, and slamming his length into you without mercy.

no. you hate pet names. at least, you've always hated them.

i'm gonna find out if you're ignoring me right now remember, you're not the best actress. fucking suck at it, actually wouldn't want to be punished now, would we?

his last message echoed in your head. still coming to terms with the fact of what happened yesterday, now you have to deal with a whole new revelation: eren yeager being a cocky motherfucker pushing all the right buttons for you. even though you want to blast his ass for this, the mere thought of him being near you again is too sweet of an imagination.

you want to play this game, too. for whatever reason keep on riding this high, and you just know that no one could do it quite as well as eren can. somehow you can only imagine taking him on this ride with you, no one else.

so, in that manner you decide to ignore his messages. if he's desperate enough to keep on sending them in the middle of the night, you're sure it won't be long until he sends another text. and it would give him enough reason to try and punish you, whatever that might entail – you're excited to find out. fucking nervous, too. but then again, who wouldn't be?

you stand up and put your phone in your back pocket, a sense of excitement surrounding your steps as you turn left to make your way to the nearest coffee shop.

"something tells me you're ignoring me," of course, the moment eren's voice comes up behind you, you fucking flinch like a little bird that's been scared away, "mostly because i've seen you reading the messages, but what do i know?"

you turn to see him clutching his heart dramatically, "don't play with my feelings like this," he swoons, bringing one hand to his forehead. he's laughing again, all white teeth and bright smiles – you realize this is the kind of eren you rarely get to see. not the cocky bastard he normally portrays; right now, he seems to be a happy-go-lucky kind of guy, just enjoying himself. still, you want to show him that you can play just as well as he can.

crossing your arms in front of your chest, you slightly raise a brow, trying your hardest to not look as nervous as you feel. it's a lost cause though because you can already feel the tips of your ears glowing with heat again. can't things go my way for once? just once? you think and chew the inside of your cheek. you felt so sure of yourself just moments ago. how the hell can he have this sort of effect on you?

suddenly, his whole demeanor changes. before, he seemed laid-back, entertained by the game he played with you. now he leans forward, hands in the pockets of his jacket and an almost cruel smile forming on his lips, "don't try to challenge me in this. you'll lose."

you know that you should feel frightened. terrified, even. he's looking like a lion preparing to jump the antelope, a sense of alarming calmness around him that's causing the small hairs on your neck to stand up. but alas, the way he's looking at you seems to have the same effect on you his scent has.

"i told you not to ignore me," eren says and takes a few steps closer to you, "yet here you are, doing it again." the chuckle leaving his lips a stark contrast to his stern gaze, still trained on you. somehow, you feel awfully small again - still not frightened, though. you stare right back at him, tilting your head slightly as if you wanted to say "so what?"

"are you seriously that desperate to be punished?"

better now than never, you think and once again place a courtly smile on your lips, "seems like it."

for a split second, you see eren's smug look turn into a genuine smile. realizing that you're up for his game, he lets out a smooth whistle, "you do surprise me."

"if you wouldn't always be so full of yourself, i'm sure you'd have recognized this sooner," you can feel the confidence growing in yourself again. clinging on to it, you take a step toward him, "i'm full of surprises."

"oh, yeah? i bet you are," from the corner of your eye, you can see him lifting his hand. before thinking twice about it, you bat it away, "i'm not one for public displays of affection."

oh, it is on– eren's smirk turns into a full-fledged grin as he takes a grip of your wrist, "you sure about that?" lifting your hand to his face, for a short moment you think he's going to suck on your fingers again. but all he does is place a faint kiss on the back of your hand, "didn't seem like it yesterday."

"you weren't supposed to see."

"but i'm so glad i did," he leans forward, the two of you standing so close you can feel his breath on your face, "or else we wouldn't have this kind of fun right now."

still having a hold of your hand, he lifts his other to your jaw, gently tracing his thumb across your lower lip, "you looked so pretty in your skirt yesterday."

taking a leap of faith, you grab his hand, holding it in place and letting your tongue run across the tip of his thumb before biting down playfully. there's a hiss and then eren pulls away and grabs your arm, "come with me."

finally, you think and let him guide you to wherever he wants, let's have some fun, then.

on your way out of the park, you pass jean and marco. even though they stand to greet eren, he just raises his hand whilst not breaking his pace, "gotta go, have an assignment to work on."

"never seen you that determined, but go off," jean laughs.

before you know it, you're inside one of the countless maintenance sheds. pushing you against the wall, eren's movements seem to become more and more erratic by the second. pinning your arms over your head, he's looking down at you, breathing heavily. "you have no idea what you just got yourself into," licking his lips, he chuckles.

"oh, but i think i actually do," you smile innocently, fucking glad to have found your normal self again. admittedly, eren threw you off your game since yesterday – but it's just going to play into your hands now. he won't see it coming until it's hitting him straight in the face; that you're just as messed up as he seems to be.

"then prove it," he breathes against your ear, "tell me how badly you want it."

the stuffy air inside the dimly lit shed doesn't help with keeping eren's scent away from you. being so close to him, looking up into his shadowed face and right into his dilated eyes; you're like putty in his hands. you try to move forward, to touch him in some way because you just know that he'll feel so good under your skin.

"now now, princess," he moves even closer, wedging you between himself and the wall, "how about we learn some patience, first?"

you nod, but then grind up against his thigh, hissing through your teeth, "i worry i'll be a real handful." you know you could very well move your hands, too – eren seems to still be testing the waters as to how far he can go with you. but with him actually letting you grind on him; you decide to play into his hands.

your breaths grow quicker as you keep on, pace becoming erratic. all you want is to get rid of your track pants – come to think of it, what you actually want is eren under you whilst you continuously bounce on his cock. you want to hear him call you princess and immediately after call you his little whore because that's exactly what you are.

eren has a little smile on his lips and you know you should ask yourself why – because you're doing exactly what he has forbidden you to do – but you're too far gone. the heat growing, you feel your knees buckle but he's holding you up; one hand now resting on your waist for support. you're so close –

and then he pulls away from you, nearly causing you to topple over. chest heaving, you place your hands on your knees for balance, "what the fuck was – "

"patience is a virtue," interrupting you with a laugh, but his voice heavy with lust, "thought i might give you a lesson you're ought to remember."

you look up to see eren palming his erection through his pants, standing about an arm's length away from you, "but i have to admit, hearing you getting yourself off is fucking hot."

biting your teeth together, you straighten up and take a step toward him – only for him to click his tongue in disapproval, "you're gonna stay right there," tugging at his pants he raises his eyebrow, "i told you what i want, get on your knees for me."

"the fuck i will," you spit out and make a move again, grasping for his waistband. but eren is quick to take a hold of your hand and pushes you back to the wall, "come on, now, princess," he chuckles but his eyes are concentrated at you, "you want this, don't you?". he's asking for permission, the thought feeling very comforting to you. and also, very excited for what's about to come.

"of course, i do," you answer him earnestly, resting the back of your head against the wall, "or else i wouldn't be here."

"fantastic," he breathes, a little smile playing in the corners of his mouth, "then get down on your knees," placing his hands on your shoulders, weighing you down, "i won't ask again."

the change of tone in his voice has you nodding, slowly sinking onto your knees, you're bursting in anticipation. one hand finally pulling down his pants, he runs his other through your hair, then down your jaw until it comes to rest on your chin.

thumbing at your lower lip, he groans "do i have to be careful?"

you just shake your head no. then you break away from his gaze, fixing your eyes on the bobbing cock in front of you. it's tip leaking with precum already, you remember how badly you wanted to lick it away yesterday.

taking his cock at its base, you bend forward and slide your tongue around its head. the salty taste sending shudders down your spine, you make sure to lift your eyes again once you prepare to take it all down your throat. your other hand snakes up to his balls, slightly tugging them which earns you a moan from eren, and fuck, you're so wet at the sound alone, you let go of his cock and slide one hand down to your own center.

he gathers your hair in one hand, taking the base of his throbbing cock in the other, "bet this is what you thought of yesterday," he slowly but surely pulls your head in closer, "of how i fuck the words right out of you."

bucking your hips into your own hand, you can do nothing but whimper at his words. because yes, this is exactly what you imagined. he's only halfway in and you're already struggling to breathe, but not wanting him to stop you hold your breath and push down even further; trying desperately not to moan.

the tears in your eyes causing your vision to be blurry, you attempt to blink them away.

"shit – ", he's pumping into you now, rubbing the tears from your cheeks and then placing both his hands on your head, "you're doing so well – "

getting lost in his words, the fear of being caught is so far away; you finally moan around his cock. saliva soaking the hem of his shirt, you can't seem to take his whole length, no matter how hard you try. you're a fucking mess under him and the thought alone is nearly sending you over the edge.

he's trying to pull away now and you know he's close, so you snake your hand around his hip, hoping this is enough of a sign to him that if he dared to cum anywhere else than down your throat, you'd bite him.

"you really – " his voice is hoarse, "fuck – this is fucking perfect," he moans as he comes to the realization. leaning his arm against the wall behind you, he's fucking himself into your mouth, his panting and the sound of your choking filling the room.

you close your eyes to blink the tears away again, but eren pulls on your hair, "no – look at me."

with this the knot in your belly explodes, leaving you holding on to eren's hip as you ride the waves of electricity that are running through your body like lava.

"such a good little whore – " he's gone as well, holding your head in place as he's pumping his load down your throat, leaving you no other option than to swallow – which you eagerly do. you feel his legs shaking under your hands.

once again, eren hands you his shirt to clean your face. this time, you take it with a smile, noting that, "i still have your other one."

"don't worry, i'll come get it sometime when sasha's away," the two of you know exactly what this means – neither of you are planning on this to be over anytime soon.

"i'll let you know, then," you nod and stand up, hoping you don't look as well-fucked as you feel, and make your way to the door, "she's gone most of the time."

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[ghostofbambifanfiction]

You seem to have such a special bond with your brothers. (I didn't realize that you had two brothers until you made your post in Ireland!) it's really nice to see!

Thank you 🥰

Yeah, I don't talk about my youngest brother a lot because it hurts to think about him most of the time. When I left Ireland, because unfortunately he doesn't have the mental capacity to understand anything conceptual, or anything that isn't as straightforward as something like "it's time to eat" or "it's time to sleep," (I explained it to my stepson, who is also autistic but in a totally different ballpark, by saying that Robbie basically has a baby's brain) I couldn't explain to him why I was leaving or where I was going. After I left, he really, really struggled with the fact that this huge part of his life and his routine wasn't there anymore. There were episodes of self-inflicted violence that caused brain damage (he is inhumanly strong) and hugely increased anxiety that even now, nine years later, lessens when I am physically with him. He will never be able to understand why I went away or where I am, and even though I know that I had to leave Ireland for the sake of my own mental health there will always be a part of me that feels so incredibly guilty for leaving him. Because I did leave him, no matter what way you look at it. It's just something you have to live with.

But you know what? Even with all of that, there is nothing so joyful as having that boy in my life. He loves ferociously and wholeheartedly and unconditionally and it is pure bliss to be at the receiving end of one of his smiles. I feel so blessed and so fortunate to be the person who gets to be his sister. I feel that about both of my brothers. Meeting Dean for the very first time on the day after he was born was the first moment in my life that I ever had a feeling or thought that was unselfish, and as he has grown into a smart, talented, kind-hearted, generous young man, he continues to inspire me to be unselfish and considerate and kind to others. I wish you all could know him as well as I do because he is the easiest person in the world to love. Truly exemplary. Being his big sister is the greatest privilege and honour of my life and I mean that wholeheartedly. I can't believe that in a world where there are millions of brothers, I got the best ones.

Thank you again for sending this ask, anon, my heart has been heavy with grief today, but talking about my brothers has lifted my spirits a lot ❤️

[to-boldly-nope]

No Matter What (Castiel x Demon!Reader)

!!!Warning: suicide attempt, insecure thoughts!!! Please do not read below the cut if you are uncomfortable. If you need to talk about anything please let me know

Plot: When you made a deal with a crossroad demon, you offered your human life to save the boys. When you finally return from Hell, you fear to go back home. 

Words: >994

GIF is not mine

You never wanted to end up this way, you were human at one point in time. You were a friend of the Winchesters and dated their friend and angel Castiel, but once you ended up in Hell it was over. It was all because you made a deal with a crossroads demon to save your friends and yourself in the long run, but it came with a price like any other demon deal.

After being stuck in Hell for three years, you were allowed to leave, but you didn't go back home. You knew that if Sam, Dean, and Cas found out then there would be a likely chance of them hurting or maybe even killing you, so you didn't go back and you probably won't.

You rolled over in the motel bed, wondering where to go next. You didn't have the money for food (even though you didn't need it anymore, you ate it to not raise suspicion) and barely had enough to pay for the room. You just wanted to be back home doing research with Sam or eating pie with Dean or just cuddling with Cas in your room. You missed all of it and it was your fault that can't go back. It was your decisions and your thoughts that refused you to let you go back to them.

You got out of the bed and walked over to the little kitchenette area and pulled the switchblade from your pocket and grabbed the little salt shaker. You poured water on the end of the blade and put salt on it, making it stick. You aimed your knife at your heart and went for it, but never made contact with your skin. Out of the corner of your eye, you saw the beige trenchcoat, and the tears you didn't know you were holding back began to fall.

Castiel didn't say anything as your knees buckled and you fell to the floor. He heard the news from both the angels and the demons but he wasn't sure if he believed it when he saw the tears roll down your face.

"(Y/N)?"

"Get away from me!" You sobbed. "Please, just go away."

"Come back home," Cas said softly while kneeling  beside you, "we won't do anything to harm you."

"No, no," you whimpered while shaking your head in denial. "You're gonna say that and then I'm gonna show up and you're gonna hurt me."

"(Y/N)," Cas repeated while putting his hand on your shoulder, making you flinch back, "we won't hurt you. We know you haven't done anything to hurt anyone. I won't let anyone hurt you."

Cas seemed to be reading your mind. You knew all the Winchester's plans and schemes and you knew that they probably followed Cas and had their salt guns and exorcisms ready. You saw Cas shake his head, "No, they're not with me, they're at Bobby's. I haven't told them anything."

"Bobby's place is laced with traps and you know that. It'll hurt me if I even go near there so that's why I'm not going back. I don't deserve to go back and I don't deserve to be loved either. Demons can't be loved or feel love, what makes me so different from the rest of the demons? Is it because I was a human before? Is that what makes me so different?"

Cas grabbed your hand and it hurt you, not physically, but mentally. "You think you being a demon makes any difference? I tried everything to get you back even knowing the consequences of your deal. I tried breaking it, I tried to offer myself instead, I tried going after you, but nothing worked. Sam and Dean tried everything too, we've all been worrying for the past three years. We all want you home with us. I still love you, (Y/N).”

It was funny to you. You watched him smite demons without hesitation but he wouldn't dare hurt you and that just made you so mad. You wanted him to do the right thing, something a hunter would naturally do. He's an angel and you're a demon and it wasn't right!

He pulled you into and held you. You felt yourself begin to cry again as you held onto his coat to the point where your fists shook and your knuckles turned white. Only Castiel could see the humanity left in you and you wanted to yell at him for it. Only he can be so naïve.

He placed a kiss on your head and you felt yourself relax. For once in weeks you've finally relaxed. You did want to go home, get out of this dirty motel room, and into some new clothes.

"Maybe we can go home," you told Cas quietly. "But how are we going to tell Sam, Dean, and Bobby?"

"They all assumed this would happen, I don't think they would be very upset."

You gave a soft nod as you finally let go of him and wiped your tears away. "Will you take me home?"

"Of course, (Y/N)."

~

{BONUS}

You and Cas looked at each other before walking into Bobby's. You forgot what the house looked like. You stepped onto the rug and stopped because of the devil's trap.

"(Y/N)?" Sam asked, making sure it was you. You nodded and his smile grew. "Dean! Bobby! (Y/N)'s back!"

The three of them came up to you, very happy to see you. Sam was the first one to hug you, slightly picking you up and making you laugh. Dean scruffed up your hair and welcomed you home. Bobby gave you a soft smile and patted your shoulder.

"I-uh-I'm sure you all assumed what happened," you started, "and it's correct, sadly, but I promise I won't-"

"You want out of the trap or not?" Bobby asked, making you nod. He pulled out his knife and raised the rug, scratching a little bit of paint off. You stepped foot outside the trap and inhaled. "Welcome back, kid."

[finaledenialist]

I'm the anon who sent in the ask about trans!cas.  Saw your answer and figured I would elaborate a bit:

First of all: Yeah, this probably falls under the category of 'this is my headcanon and I don't care' because when I think about it to hard, my reasoning isn't all that sound.  But honestly WHO THE HELL CARES?!

That being said, welcome to my TedTalk:

Obviously, the show makes it very clear that all the angels are essentially agender, since gender is a human construct and they are 'celestial wavelengths of intent'.  They also don't seem to have preferences when it comes to the gender of their vessels the way demons seem to (for example, Meg states at one point while possessing Sam that she prefers to posses women.  Although I guess this could be because all the demons in spn were once human, which means they would have a gender identity from their past life, which maybe doesn't make it an equal comparison, but idk that's another discussion).

We see Cas using a female vessel in the Lily Sunder flashbacks and we see Raphael use both a male and a female vessel and while this is questioned by humans, it's presented as perfectly normal for the angles.  So clearly this switching genders isn't a big deal for angles in general because they don't really care about human gender identity, they are mostly concerned with the practicality of finding a vessel that can a) contain them and b) give consent.  The vessel is just that, a vessel, a mode of transportation.

BUT my argument is basically that the more human Cas becomes (not just physically like in s9 or the end of s5 but like mentally and emotionally human) the more he identifies with Jimmy's body and eventually views it as his. 

And I can't help but think that he is aware of Dean's issues with sexualities other than StraightTM, and that he might have a better chance of getting with dean if he was in a female vessel.

But he stays with Jimmy's body because it becomes his body, it's the way he wants to present himself, it's what feels right.  Even if it might make his love life more difficult in some ways.  Even if it wouldn't make sense to the other angels because it goes against their 'nature'.

And I think that just kind of works out to make Cas (an individual who was assigned a certain identity by his society only to later discover that there is another identity that fits him better) transgender.  At the very least, I think it makes for a good metaphor. 

I'm getting really tired but I hope that makes some sense.

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(But I could also see where someone would say that he's just more comfortable in Jimmy's body because he's been using it for so long, or it's what sam and dean are used to so that's what he sticks with, or maybe he can't leave Jimmy's body since all the stuff with being killed and reassembled multiple times and becoming human, or that maybe there isn't another compatible vessel.  But this is where we come back to the 'first of all' because really idgaf its my headcanon let me have my fun 🤷🏼‍♀️)

EVERYONE WAKE UP TRANS!CAS MANIFESTO JUST DROPPED

the way that everything you said makes perfect sense to me and this is what i thought when i think about cas and his vessel but i just didn’t apply it to trans headcanons because, well, i am obviously blind to that narrative, but it makes perfect sense as in: he chooses this vessel to be his more then any vessel he had before. for me it’s like. it’s about choosing what you want to be and what you are, what you truly are, and what you are comfortable to be and why this would completely apply to this headcanon and honestly i had nothing more to add!!! i think we agree here?! <333 thanks for this ted talk this was enlightningt!! 

(edit: i hope the Anon sees this but I am literally sending you flowers for this essay in my inbox <333 i just want you to know that!!!!!!)