#and half ironic joke about its own pretentiousness (see the falsely attributed quote downpage)

[morethanwonderful]

ALSO while I'm losing my mind over the Note of Desolation page and how it lays out John's arc: look at this!

One fundamental underlying aspect of John is that I think he feels really lost when he's not given external purpose and doing Main Character Stuff. He seems to just kind of stall and wallow at home in his depression during the end credits and pre-prologue epilogues. He has a huge breakdown seemingly out of nowhere after two years of idling on the ship between worlds. And here, we see that's not just something that comes from the trauma of his first session of the Game.

To some extent, for the whole first twelve years of his life before sburb, John Egbert has felt like he's missing something.

There's two different ways that you can read this, and I think they work in tandem.

On one hand, there's the meta reading. John as a person was born to be The Main Character. Sburb's whole thing is meta narratives and turning its players into characters in a creation myth. John is the main character of his story. He's the first to boot up Sburb, the first to enter the medium, and the first to go god tier. He's the friendleader. He's the one that does his world's ectobiology. Of course, in the context of Sburb and its narrative, he always feels like something is missing from mundane life. He exists to play the Game and serve its story, and he's divorced from his purpose if he's not Being The Protagonist.

But at the same time, this also works really well as a mundane symptom of depression. For as long as he's existed and had the capacity to feel complex emotions, John has felt like something is missing from his life. The Game only works as a temporary distraction from this feeling. Sburb gives him urgent concrete goals to focus on, and it's hard to feel empty and listless when you're constantly in crisis mode trying to keep yourself, your friends, and your universe from dying. But running on adrenaline and living a task-driven life can't actually cure his depression, and in the quiet moments between sessions and after Game Over, he's left with that same feeling of something missing. Something empty.

Given all that, it's fitting that this emptiness is first raised as an issue when John looks in his mailbox and sees that Sburb isn't there. In line with the meta reading, it's impossible for him as an entity to feel complete when he's missing the Game because he's the main character. Not getting his hands on the physical game might not be the cause of his listlessness, but getting divorced from his protagonist purpose is. He's nothing without Sburb.

Yet, we're told Sburb isn't really the true cause. He feels desolate before the game, he feels desolate at points during the game, and he'll feel even more desolate after. He feels like his life is a trick played on him by some "unseen riddler," whatever thing that might complete him held constantly out of reach. Not having the game, be it the physical disc or the Game that gives him purpose as a god, is ultimately just one more frustration in a life full of the feeling of lack.

John's the Main Character and incomplete without his protagonist role to play, but he's also depressed. And in the end, even becoming a god, creating a universe, and fulfilling his glorious purpose can't fix the sense of lacking in his life.

It's a cruel trick—fulfilling the plot contrivance that helps bring about his sense of Absence in the first place cannot actually fill the hole or help him move forward. Not in any long-term sense.