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thecleverdame · 5 years ago

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Gods of Twilight - 18

Alpha!Werewolf!Sam x Human!Reader

Master List (posting schedule is there as well)

Summary: You marry Sam, The King of Lebanon, as part of an alliance between two lands. You soon discover that nothing is as it appears and that your husband is hiding a secret that may end your relationship before it can begin.

Warnings: smut, dub-con, canon-level violence, domestic discipline, spanking. This chapter does contain some non-con elements.

Beta: @ilikaicalie

*This story is complete. All 27 chapters are available on Patreon. To get access to this and many other stories, subscribe for a pledge of 2.50 per month. CLICK HERE

Sam stands behind you with arms crossed over his chest, watching the midwife examine your bulging belly.

“You’re larger than I would expect for seven months,” she states evenly, feeling the underside of your stomach through your nightgown. “Are you in any discomfort?”

“No, I feel strong. Energized.”

“And you’ve been sleeping well?”

“I’ve slept better these last 2 months than ever before. My only complaint is how hard he kicks now. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to make it through another two months if he’s going to grow stronger.”

“I’m afraid that’s part of motherhood.” Martha smiles.

“Show her,” Sam nods, his jaw locked.

He’s constantly worried about you. If it’s not an outside threat from some vengeful townsperson, it’s your health and this child.

Sighing, you lift your gown to show her your ribs. She does a double-take, looking at you in silent question and inching closer. There are black and blue marks up and down both sides of your stomach.

“This is the child?” she gasps, directing her question towards Sam.

“She’s in pain. It’s worse in the evenings,” he explains, running a hand over his mouth. “You should feel how hard he kicks, it’s unfathomable. I’m concerned he’ll break her ribs.”

“It’s that painful?” she asks you.

“Only during the night, and it’s never for too long.” You force optimism. One of you has to see the sunny side of things. “He gives me some relief during the day.”

Martha chews on her lower lip. She thinks hard and then stands up straight, pausing before speaking directly to Sam.

“I've lived here all my life, my king. I was born into service, just as my mother. I am loyal. I see the things that go on here, strange things. If there is something I should know, secrets you’ve hesitated to tell me for fear of gossip, I would encourage you to tell me now. We both want the same thing, to deliver a healthy child and keep your wife alive and thriving. In order to do that I need full information.”

Looking back at Sam you wait for his refusal, but instead he smashes his lips together as he contemplates her request.

“You can never tell another living soul,” he instructs.

“Of course, my king.”

“And if you do, you’ll die as the penalty.”

You look down at your hands, wishing desperately that you weren’t privy to this kind of ultimatum. It’s not often you see or hear this side of him and it’s unsettling to hear him whisper death threats in the confines of your bedroom.

“I understand,” Martha confirms without pause. “Now tell me everything.”

She sits and listens, calm and collected, as Sam explains about wolves and shifters. He offers all the details, explains how he came to be. And how this process usually works. She doesn’t bat an eye. On the contrary, she’s taking mental notes. Asking well thought out questions.

She doesn’t appear to be the least bit surprised.

“Is there anyone from your...” she struggles for the right word.

“Pack,” Sam helps her.

“Is there anyone from your pack that delivers the children? Is there a midwife?”

“Yes,” Sam nods, chewing on the inside of his cheeks as he looks from Martha to you.

“Then we should call her here to have a look at your wife. With our combined skills, we’ll have a better chance of accurately predicting what’s to come.”

“They’re unhappy that I’ve chosen to have a child with a woman who isn’t like the rest of the pack. I don’t trust anyone, other than you.”

Martha sighs, then nods. She could push the matter but she won’t. She knows her place and it's obvious how much he cares for you. If he thought it was a viable possibility he would have explored it already.

“I’ll be just fine,” you smile at your husband. “I’m strong and so is our baby. We’re both going to be just fine.”

10 Weeks Later

“Are you sure about this?” Martha asks. In these last weeks, she’s become your constant companion.

The carriage rocks side to side as you slowly ride toward the walls of the city.

“I need to walk. I need fresh air.” You close your eyes in concentration as the cramp in your back flares up. The pains are constant now. It’s not the child, or rather it’s not anything he’s doing. He’s simply large and active, and your body is having trouble dealing with the weight.

You begged Sam for a week. Pleaded with him to let you outside. Your muscles and hips ache and walking is the only activity that offers any relief at all. You’ve been around the halls of the castle so many times that it’s depressing to even think about being inside for another moment.

After several rounds of tears, he finally agreed to a brief outing.

The child will come any day now and Martha helped affirm his decision by suggesting that a brisk walk could be exactly what you needed to get the process moving.

Now you’re bound for the fields just outside of the city’s wall, accompanied by not only the King, but a dozen knights as well.

When the carriage finally stops, Sam helps you out into the sunlight of the early afternoon. There’s a chill in the air, but you’re plenty warm. You’ve grown thicker in these last months, eating more and more to satisfy your child’s constant hunger.

“Where would you like to walk?” Sam asks. His eyes are on the horizon. He’s always watching, looking for some invisible threat.

“There, closer to the trees.” You point across the field and Sam does the same as several knights trot ahead to ensure safe passage. Sam takes your arm and you walk, or a more appropriate term would be waddle, toward the lush pines.

You’re not fooled. There are things he’s not telling you, threats he keeps from you in the name of love. He doesn’t want to worry you, but in fact, his lack of forthrightness sends your mind reeling with the possibilities.

“Let me know if you grow tired and we’ll rest.”

“I’ve only been walking for a minute. I’m not impaired, I just move more slowly than I used to.”

“I’m surprised you want to be out here moving around at all.”

“It feels good. The pain goes away when I walk. I think he’s giving me this extra energy.” You smile upward, letting the sun wash over your face. “After he’s born will you take me riding? I long to be outside.”

“We’ll see,” Sam meanders at a snail's pace beside you. “You’re not too cold, are you? I can have Martha bring a cloak-”

“Stop,” you whine, looking to him. “Stop fussing over me and let me be. I want to walk in the country with my husband. It doesn’t have to become such a production.”

“I am only trying to do what’s best,” he counters and your heart sinks.

“I know, and I love you for it.” You pull yourself closer to him, leaning into his side as you walk. “I also wish for you to take me fishing. And star gazing on a summer night.”

“I had no idea you'd come up with such an extensive list.” He grins, his hand cupping your shoulder.

“Oh, that’s not all. I would like to travel. See faraway places, explore other kingdoms. Take our son to see the world. But I’ll start with an evening beneath the stars.”

“I will give you the moon itself once it’s safe. You’ll be free to roam far and wide.”

While your confines have worn your patience, your marriage has only grown stronger. There is genuine love and appreciation for each other. You have found a love that you never dreamed existed outside of your books. Despite his many great responsibilities, Sam finds a way to put you first, to make time for quiet moments together.

It’s what made the seclusion of this pregnancy bearable.

A lone rider approaches in the distance. Sam spots the horseman first, putting his hand out to stop you, but retracts it just as quickly. He must recognize whoever it is. As the rider comes closer you can make out the form of a petite woman with raven hair… Ruby.

“My king,” she’s breathless as she dismounts. “There’s been an attack to the north. Robert and Benjamin have been killed. Your brother was hurt but he’s alive. The men are coming together now in the Eastern Woods.”

“I have to go.” Sam shakes his head, turning to you, then back to Ruby. “Stay with my wife. Ensure that she gets to safety and then join us.”

“I will,” Ruby confirms, handing off the reins to Sam who mounts the steed.

“Be careful!” you call out, watching him ride away.

Ruby stands before you, examining your new appearance. Not many people have seen you since your belly began to grow. Her mouth goes tight, forcing a painful smile.

“You look as if you may pop at any moment.” She looks away, as if the sight of you makes her ill. “Come along, I need to get you to the carriage.”

She takes you by the arm, guiding you back toward the transport and Martha and Phillip are beside you in an instant.

“We need to move fast, my queen. There could be another attack planned.”

As if on cue, a dozen men on horseback burst from the tree line. The thundering hooves make the ground shake as they approach.

“Run!” Ruby grabs one hand and Martha the other, pulling you along as fast as your legs will carry you. As the riders close in, the Knights surrounded you in defense and Phillip plucks you off your feet and carries you in a sprint.

You’re halfway there when someone calls out a warning. Phillip is hit from behind and goes tumbling to the ground. You land underneath him, crushed by his weight as you wriggle free only to be met with the face of your assailant. He’s a hideous man with oily hair and yellowing teeth. He growls at you, smiling with a sickening grin as he brings a short knife down into your side.

You scream, clutching the wound as blood pours over your fingers. He’s coming back for a second stab as Ruby lurches toward him with a giant, jagged dagger in her hand. She rams it upward under his jaw and the blade cuts through blood and bone like a knife through butter. The instant she withdraws the knife, his lifeless body drops to the ground.

“Get up!” Martha is lifting you off the ground in some amazing feat of strength.

The two of you stumble thirty paces before a man charges with an ax raised in the air but Phillip gets to him before he can reach you. You scramble back toward the carriage, tripping over your own feet and falling to the ground.

Martha and Ruby manage to drag you inside the carriage and the instant the doors shut, you’re bound for the castle.

“He stabbed me!” You cry out in panic, frantically feeling your belly. “Did he kill my baby?”

Martha tries to find the wound, unable to examine it through your dress, but Ruby is already in motion. With a truly superhuman strength she tears your dress at the seams, then the layers underneath, leaving you naked from the waist up.

Your breasts and belly are coated in bright red blood, a sight that sends your heart into your throat.

“Please, don’t let anything happen to-”

“Calm down!” Martha yells, grabbing your jaw, forcing you to focus on her. “Stop, take a breath and calm down. You need to remain composed to prevent any further trauma.”

Martha and Ruby examine the stab wound, Ruby using the skirts of her dress to wipe the excess blood away.

“The knife caught you between the ribs,” Ruby explains, grabbing your hand with blood wet fingers. “Not your stomach.”

“You’re going to be just fine,” Martha soothes the hair back from your forehead as you lie between them on the floor of the coach.

A quick, tightening of your stomach takes your breath away. And then the pain comes and a wet sensation at your sex. You reach down, pulling up your dress and feeling between your own legs. When you withdraw your hand there’s nothing but more blood.

“He’s coming,” you gasp, looking at the blood on your palm. “I’m not ready.”

“Yes, you are my dear.” Martha pats your hand, then leans out the window and hollers to Phillip. “We need to move faster!”

“Where is Sam?” you plead. “I need him.”

“One of the knights will have gone to find him,” Ruby assures you. “He’ll come as soon as he hears you were injured.”

“What if they attack him?”

“He is the strongest of all of us and his men will protect him at all costs.”

The pain comes in waves, like the cramps from your monthly bleeding only so strong that it feels as if your stomach is tearing. You cry out as the carriage flees back toward the castle, feeling each bump along the way.

Phillip carries you up to your chambers, laying you on the bed as a swirl of activity bursts to life around you. The room is full of handmaids with Martha barking orders at all.

Time becomes a series of intervals between the pain of contractions. And they are coming closer and closer together.

It feels like hours before you hear Sam’s voice in the hall. Martha gets up and you listen to a muted conversation. He yells something and then there’s Dean voice, just as angry.

“Y/N?” You hear your husband’s voice, growing closer.

“Sam?” You reach out for him and his familiar hand takes yours. You sob in relief at the confirmation he’s alive and he won’t leave until this is over.

“I’m here,” his voice is close, as he leans down to talk to you.

“It’s not going very well,” you laugh, trembling as a feverish heat consumes you.

“You’re perfect,” his voice cracks. He clears his throat before continuing. “Martha assures me everything is going to be just fine.”

“Don’t lie to me.” His hand tightens around yours.

“I wouldn't dream of it.”

“It’s time,” you gulp, sweat rolling in beads down your forehead. The pain swells, a mighty crest that’s worse and more intense than everything that came before and your body begins to try to push the baby out.

“Push, just like we practiced.” Martha settles between your legs.

Bearing down, you push with all your might, feeling a second of relief before the contraction ebbs. Then the agony picks back up and you push again, something giving way and the child moves. It happens fast, one second you’re in unbearable torment and then all the pain stops and the baby leaves your body in a life-changing instant.

The room is silent. You wait for the squeal of your son, but there’s nothing. Sam’s hand is clamping over yours so tight he might break it.

“Is he alive?” you rasp, trying in vain to prop yourself up. You look up at Sam’s eyes, there are tears in each corner. “Is he alive?!”

“She is very much alive,” Martha appears above you with a wiggling little baby in her arms. “You have a daughter.”

You laugh, an exhausted chuckle and reach out for your child. Martha places her on your chest before exchanging a weighted look with your husband.

She’s a perfect, chubby girl with bright green eyes and a head of dark hair that is surely from her father. You cry freely, studying her face and gently touch her round, flushed cheeks.

“We have a daughter. I can’t believe it. Sam, look how beautiful she is.” You look up at Sam who’s breathing fast, his throat bobbing at the sight of you. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” he wavers. “I-I love you so much.”

“I love you too.” You focus back on your baby, trying to think what you’ll name her. You were so sure she’d be a boy.

“Give us the room.” Sam wipes at his eyes.

Sam is most handsome when he’s happy, beautiful when his heart is full. He should be elated, but right now he looks as if he's been shot with an arrow. You watch everyone leave, except Martha who comes to sit on the opposite side of your husband.

“What’s happening?” The fear is creeping in as you look from her to Sam, cradling the baby resting on your chest.

“Shhh,” Sam strokes your hair, lowering down onto his side. “Just lie here with me and hold our daughter.”

In these last months, Martha subdued nearly all your fears. You’d heard horror stories of women in unbearable pain and were frightened of feeling yourself tear when giving birth. But she assured you, time and time again, that because there is such intense pressure during labor you wouldn’t be able to feel anything that happened.

As you lie in the bed, it dawns on you that you still can’t feel anything below your waist. You try to wiggle your toes but there’s no sensation. You look down at your naked body. While you can’t see much there’s a clear slick of red between your thighs, soaking the bed.

You’re still bleeding, bleeding too much.

“What's happening to me?” you whisper, kissing the tiny fingers of your sweet girl.

“It’s not important. Just enjoy this time together. That’s all that matters.” Martha says.

“I’m right here with you.” Sam nuzzles his forehead against your cheek, snuggling closer to you and his child. He’s crying.

You don’t want to ask. Don’t want the confirmation, but you need to know. You’re not long for this world.

“How much time do I have?”

“It won’t be long now.” Martha turns away, swallowing her emotion and getting up off the bed. “I’ll be in the hall when you need me.”

There’s a faint wispy fizzing in the back of your brain and a profound coldness rising up from your belly into your chest.

“I’m not ready to leave you,” you whisper. Words are becoming harder, your tongue thick and heavy.

“I know, my love.” Sam wraps his arm around you over your ribs. “I’m not either.”

“I’m scared, and I want to...stay here with...you two.” The words come slowly. “I’m...so...tired…”

“Close your eyes and go to sleep. There’s nothing to be scared of, we’re here with you. We love you.”

You don’t want to close your eyes, but Sam’s body is warm and comforting around you. The baby on your chest is cooing, a little mouth eager to find a breast. This must be what heaven will be like. Maybe you’re already there.

There’s a fleeting thought, a hope that you’ll stay with them always, and they with you. Your heart simultaneously swells and breaks as the life that could have been flashes before your eyes. This time was short but happy and as the end comes all you feel is the enveloping warmth of love holding you tight.

Surrounded by your husband and daughter you take a final breath and close your eyes.

#alpha!sam winchester #sam winchester x reader #sam winchester smut #sam winchester fanfiction

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brokenxfragments · 4 years ago

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Hikaru & Resri, the Spirit Bounded

Icon Use: FFXIV model

Theme Song(s)

You’re Not Alone - Erutan

Basic Information

Age: 18

Gender: Female // Male (presumably)

Height: 5′7 // 2′5 (small form, shoulder height) - 7′6 (large form, shoulder height)

Weight: 175 Ibs // 20 Ibs (small form) - 395 Ibs (large form)

Species: Human // Damon (dragon-like)

Orientation/Sexuality: Panromantic/Bisexual // Aromantic/Asexual

Relationship: Single (ship verse dependent) // N/A (never shippable)

Occupation: Adventurer

Brief Personality: Inquisitive — Optimistic — Kind /// Cautious — Inquisitive — Quiet

Brief Bio: A duo that will never be found far apart thanks to their spiritual link, Hikaru & Resri enjoys traveling & learning, to which during the seemingly endless wandering Hikaru is likely to reach out to those in need of help while her damon partner might not reveal himself to strangers via hiding in the backpack she keeps with her. Both are inquisitive & bright, though it’s obviously that one is carefree while the other is cautious as though to balance this about themselves. The woman is fairly proficient in some instruments like a violin as well with survival skills such as cooking & first-aid. Resri is more or less the protector, able to become a far bigger size than he initially shows himself to be but only when he feels genuinely threatened.

Full Biography

A child from a world in the Eldria universe known as Fal’na, Hikaru was born in the Tesula village. Fal’na was a world where the humes had a strange development in their evolution in response to the dangers this world had, a species of spirit-like predators that fed off the people that were caught outside of their warded cities & villages, unable to be stopped by physical means & cannot be harmed by such methods. These were the ‘spirit eaters’, named for both their phantasm existence as well as leaving a victim in a permanent comatose state after feeding off of them, alive in body yet dead in consciousness & spirit. It would forever be a myth constantly shifted & changed as to how the evolution began, yet however it started, people would soon after always have a spirit partner born from themselves, called ‘damons’. They would often materialize from their human by the time the child hit the age of puberty. These spirit partners were able to repel the spirit eaters & even kill them, though it would have to be a last line of defense if wards were to fail - for if a damon fell, their hume would fall with them, the two being one of the same despite being separate entities.

Warders (those who kept the spirit eaters out of villages & cities) were a big part of any civilization no matter the size of the populace, to which thus Hikaru being born from a mother who was a renowned warder as well as a mastersinger father meant that she had expectations put on her from since birth. Yet she never seemed to have her voice, not even to cry when she was a baby. Despite this, she was a welcomed addition to the village, especially with her high spirit & optimism that overcame natural fear. None would be surprised that her damon, one he appeared, would be the responsible one. Yet none would ever see the result of their speculation of what kind of damon the child would have or if she would ever talk, for a dangerous entity would come to their village sometime when Hikaru was five - and it was no spirit eater.

When the dawn came, there were no survivors of the Tesula village - all except for one. The strange child of the village had little memory of the night before except for a terrible pressure on her neck & red eyes staring down at her shortly after the cries of her parents falling silent. Yet she had still not cried nor made a sound. That had seemed to make the creature pause then snarl, where the pressure had increased until that point Hikaru passed out. Instead, she woke up in the arms of a woman with golden wings who had passed out even while keeping the girl safe. Even if Hikaru didn’t know nor remember what it was that she was saved from.

The next couple of weeks were mostly a blur as the lady (with wings & horn hidden) that saved her brought the girl to other nearby settlements, hoping that one might take her in, but alas the unfortunate thing about Fal’na was that most of its inhabitants were heavily superstitious folks. Word had swiftly spread about Tesula’s devastation & how everyone had been slaughtered - save for the one girl. A child that survived where adults didn’t were thought to be in pact with the Maker of the spirit eaters or worse, to which none would wish to risk the chance that she was purely innocent of such a claim. And because the lady herself was without a damon, she was given equal suspicion & hostility. Thus with little option given, the lady, whose name was Rosalia, would adopt the child as her own with a sense of heavy responsibility, something that Hikaru would never understand even now.

Within that first year, she started to speak at long last, becoming an inquisitive chatterbox of a child, soon enough calling the silver-haired lady ‘momma’ even though she was well aware that the lady wasn’t truly her mother. But she loved her, & she could see that she was loved in return even as it was constantly mingled with anxiety & fear. Over the many years since that day, Hikaru was constantly learning & receiving experiences that ultimately gave the woman that adopted her some sense of peace. Cooking, how to take care of one’s wounds, how to look for safe edible plants in strange locations were all considered pretty basic learnings. Hikaru would never know what a school was, though Rosalia did as well as she could to teach Hikaru further beyond survival. Of course, those were less than fun subjects, but she tried as best she could. She had more fun with survival learning than she did with math. The only thing that really interested her was other languages. She’d learn how to speak several as they traveled, especially when traveling involved different worlds. Because of the exposure to different races & species, Hikaru was easily comfortable with non-hume people.

By her eleventh year, the child that was no longer a small child had experienced what was normal puberty for her people, an experience that Rosalia never knew of in thanks to her never realizing that damons were essential to their core of existence, none never wanting to interact with her. At some point of night where she felt exceptionally more sleepy & lethargic yet had no sickness, the discovery would come in the morning when Rosalia found her curled up with what seemed to be a blue feathery-like dragon in her arms, as though he was meant to be there. His name, he’d tell them both, was Resri. And it was clear that it was no accident of a creature simply wandering into Hikaru’s bedroll, not when they were bound by their very spirits to one another. This was the time that Hikaru would get to be brought back to Fal’na to learn much more about her people as well as damons, Resri more than eager to learn along with her since he too lacked knowledge about his existence except for his name & that Hikaru was his hume. That would take several months, part of which was to visit the old village that had once been Tesula, though regardless of the fact that she was long forgotten as the ‘devil child’ & could have possibly found herself a new family, Hikaru returned to the one who raised her, much to Rosalia’s secret relief.

Her interests broadened in thanks to her revisit of her old home, taking to learning instruments as well as other subjects. Years still continued on as they’ve traveled. Oddly, the village’s prediction of the kind of damon Hikaru would have were partially true after all, as he proved himself reliable but eternally a worrier, wanting nothing more than to keep the girl he was bonded to safe from all harm, especially from her own faults. These years of travel, he’d hide inside of a backpack Hikaru had with her, even when it was discovered that he could take on a larger form on accident when Hikaru was faced with a snarling beast without Rosalia right there to chase it off. His larger form seemed to be the one to grow with years while his small form remained the same - likely the result of convenience as well as necessary circumstances.

When the war came onto Eldria, Hikaru was about seventeen at that point, & while she would have liked to help she found that she was told that she must stay out of the way for as long as possible. She was left to stay with Tobias & Silvia, two of Rosalia’s children that were fully grown for years at that point, both of whom who would have joined the fight themselves yet found that they couldn’t talk their determined though terrified mother from changing her mind. When the war came much closer, right into the realm of Seraphine, Tobias would suggest that maybe Hikaru would be safer in a much different universe, even despite the hume’s own protests about running away. Tobias’ twin sister agreed, though it seemed that once Hikaru was sent through in thanks to Silvia opening a portal through the Rift to an entirely different world that the woman had visited once, Tobias had been forcibly sent through as well before the portal shut promptly behind them. For well over a year, neither of them would ever hear a word about the war or if anyone were okay. They had stayed in the same location that they had landed in, perhaps for the dwindling vain hope that someone would open that portal back & welcome them back to a saved universe... but at some point, the three agreed that sitting there & waiting was doing them no good. It was time to start their own journey & make a new life for themselves until they’ve heard otherwise.

#._;muse;_.innocence.is.the.wonderment.of.life.(.hikaru.)#._;muse;_.love.is.its.own.protection.(.resri.)#._;ooc;_.the.echoes.beyond.(.mod.)

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mags0607 · 4 years ago

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This is my Survey from a reading Fest that I participated in. WIZARD HEARTS for the Game of Drarry.i had so much fun reading a ton of new fics for this, and this survey has some wonderful stories recced in it.❤️

1. What was the first fic you read for the game/fest? Why did you choose it?

The fist fic i read was for the fake dating trope, because it is one of my favorites. The fic was Failed Application of Thought by RuArcher. https://archiveofourown.org/works/16624730 I loved every second of it.

2. What was the last fic you read for the game/fest? How did it feel reading 52+ fics?

The very last official Fic that I read for the fest was from the smut suit for Ace. It was Lost Boys by Dahlia_Rose_83 https://archiveofourown.org/works/10759788 and I absolutely fell in love with it. It was a perfect Fic to end on. I’m not going to lie, I breathed a sigh of relief when I submitted that last comment. I did the smut suit and tried to do all the “go squid” submissions as well, so reading over 70 fanfictions in about 4 months was a bit daunting. I did love that it made me branch out and discover great stories and authors that I had never heard of before.

3.What's a fic you think is a hidden gem and deserves more hype?

I thoroughly enjoyed Loose Ends by justkeeptrekkin https://archiveofourown.org/works/21662668 is a gem, and an awesome Fic featuring the Room of Requirement.

4.What was your strategy for choosing fic/tropes for your reading list? Was there a fic/trope you found you simply couldn’t resist?

I really didn't have much of a strategy at first, except i tried to go for the longest fic possible. Then I just started reading them in order by suit for the most part. I left the smut suit till last, which probably wasn't the smartest decision on my part since some were hard to find after a while.

5.Was there a trope that you’ve read a lot of previously that you found uniquely presented?

I have read quite a few First Time fics, but one i read during the fest was such a unique take on the trope. It was called Lost Boys, by Dahlia_Rose_83 and it was so unique from the very first paragraph. (i'm not giving anything away, but go read it.) https://archiveofourown.org/works/10759788

6.What's a line from a fic that you can't stop thinking about?

The Destiny You Sold by tryslora https://archiveofourown.org/works/5203025 was a fantastic read, and I cannot gush enough about how fantastic it was. This bit right here was just simply perfect.

“When this is done,” Draco whispers. “When it’s done, I’ll still be here, and you will come back to me. Because Luna is right: this is where we’ve always been heading. No matter what you did that bonded us, no matter what I unknit, there will always be a thread between us, drawing us back together. And I want that, Harry. I want you. I just want to be absolutely certain that you want me too.”

7.What's a moment in a fic that genuinely got you to tear up?

I don't want to spoil it, but A Lick and A Promise by tackytiger https://archiveofourown.org/works/21599401 was simply beautiful. Harry and Draco are both fantastic, and this one just punched me in all the feels. Since i don't want to give away what made me cry, i will give you one of my favorite lines.

“Harry supposes they've already seen the absolute worst of each other, over years of taunts and fights and crushed bones and the careless slice of magic through skin and vein and tendon. They've seen the worst of each other, and yet they're still able to understand the very best of each other too, the way no one else seems to. And isn't that a funny one?”

8.Was there a trope you’ve never read or heard of before? What did you think?

I had never read a deaging fic before. Everyone recommends Away Childish Things by lettered https://archiveofourown.org/works/16052816 but i just had never sat down to read it. Let me tell you, I WAS BLOWN AWAY. It was hands down one of the most well-written and beautiful fics i have ever had the privilege of reading. If you have not, sit down and do it NOW!

9.Which trope did you read that pleasantly surprised you?

I am not super into Vampire fics in general, so i typically don't search them out. But, gracerene is one of my favorite writers, and when i saw she wrote Palace of Eternity https://archiveofourown.org/works/19900939, I immediately sat down to read it. It was a fantastic fic, and I absolutely loved every second of it.

10.Is there a fic that made you laugh out loud?

Yes! So I read the crackfic!trope and the fic i read was funny and entertaining. It was Ten Points for Gryfindor by VivacissimoVoce And it featured Auror Harry that was growing antlers and had to go to Healer Draco! It was hilarious and I died at all the puns. https://archiveofourown.org/works/2436389

11.What is your favourite trope and why?

Fake dating/meddling friends. Hands down! I will read anything featuring this trope, and they are so often intertwined. The one I read for the fest was so so good! It was called Dating for Dads in Denial by aibidil https://archiveofourown.org/works/11979036 and it was totally worth the read. It's also a kid fic, and the kids definitely steal the show in the best way!

12.Which tropes did you skip? Would you be willing to share why? If you didn’t skip a trope, was there one that gave you pause?

I read every single trope that you guys dished out. I vowed to push myself out of my comfort zone with this, and i'm so happy that I did. I did pause for a moment at the darkfic!trope, but in the end, i even liked that one. The fic i read was Railway Lands by maelipstick https://archiveofourown.org/works/133294, and i probably would not have read it without the fest, but I'm so glad I did.

13.Did you read multiple fics by the same author? What tropes? Wax poetic about the author a bit, eh!

So i discovered quite a few new authors during this fest, but one that i just have to mention is Andithiel. She was on my team, and before this, i had never read her stuff. She is amazing. I think I read three of her fics for the fest. My favorite was I’ll Never Be Your Chosen One https://archiveofourown.org/works/20774483. It was angsty and beautiful. I read it for the HateSex Trope and it was fantastic.

14.Who's an author you think deserves more hype?

Gracerene is fantastic and deserves all the love in the world. I know she is pretty well known, but I just think she deserves the whole world and writes the most beautiful fics.

https://archiveofourown.org/users/gracerene/pseuds/gracerene

15.Which suit did you have the most fun reading? Why?

CLUBS hands down was my favorite. I think it was because I read so many fest fics for it, and fest fics always bring out the best creativity from some wonderful authors.

16.Did a fic send you off on a tangent reading or researching anything? Which one was it and what was your off the path adventure?

I tend to just flit around to different tropes and stories, so I honestly didn’t go off on a tangent for any one trope. I do want to read every Fic on the thrice Fic list, that I haven’t read yet! That’s my goal.

17.Did you rec any fics to your friends during the game/fest? Which ones?

I have a few fics that I recommend to anyone that will listen. Two memorable ones that i recommended to other readers were Ligabus Filium by Tessa Crowley https://archiveofourown.org/works/11972160 and Five Weddings and a Potions Accident by Lauren3210https://archiveofourown.org/works/8452648. One fic that i read for the first time during this fest and couldn't say enough good things about was The Promise of Summer by Omi_ohmy https://archiveofourown.org/works/21921442/chapters/52322524

18.Do you have any feedback for the mods of the game/fest? Would you be interested in playing again if the opportunity arose? Share more info about your experience.

I absolutely loved doing this fest. I don't write very often, so i don't always get to participate in the fandom as much as i would like. I loved being included as a reader, and i loved that this fest made me more aware of the comments i make on fics. The author feedback was so encouraging, and it was nice to know my words made a difference, i also loved the sense of community that came with being in a team. This made me read stories i never would have found otherwise, and I loved it. Please do this again!

#gameofdrarry

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jimlingss · 6 years ago

Text

Jungle Park [19]

Chapter 18 - Chapter 19 - Chapter 19.5 OR Chapter 20

➜ Words: 3.1k

➜ Genres: Fluff, Light Humour (?), Slice of Life, Workplace Romance!AU

➜ Summary: The equation is simple. Hoseok needs to hire someone. You need a job. Except like any actual equation, it’s not fucking simple at all! Not when you have to add the fact that he was forced to hire someone he doesn’t want in his office, he has little respect for your job in general, and oh yeah...once upon a time you might have—*CENSORED*.

“Thirty days.” Your eyes are locked with his and he hangs on every word that falls from your lips. “Enter an agreement with me. If after thirty days, it doesn’t work, then we can break it off. If after thirty days, we aren’t happy, then we can both mutually walk away and never try again.” Hoseok is a man of plans. Negotiating and establishing contracts between parties is a part of his job. So it doesn’t take much convincing, especially when he wants this as much as you do. “Okay.” // There’s a shift. A change. Yet, at the same time, nothing feels significantly different. Maybe it’s in the way your shoulders feel lighter, even if the worry is still there. You can smile when your eyes meet his now and he returns it meekly as if it’s a promise that everything will be okay, that he’ll follow through. The rest of the office gathers together and no one asks any questions. But Jimin still pulls you aside, asking if there’s an issue he should know about. You reassure him things are fine — finding it funny how everyone automatically takes your side, including Hoseok’s own partner. For so long, your life has felt chaotic. It’s a breath of relief to find the world normal and constant outside your bubble. And it’s not difficult to revert back and discover peace again. Between the bickering of Yoongi and Sunyi, Jin and Taehyung being noisy with the latter clinging onto Jungkook, everything has returned to its ordinary days. Just this time, you just have someone by your side. The night market is bustling with people and crowds, lights twinkling in every direction. “Ooh, chicken skewers!” Like a hyperactive dog, Jin goes running off to a stand and Namjoon follows. Jungkook is also infected with enthusiasm and quickly turns towards you. “Want some, Y/N?” “I’m good, thanks.” Sunyi takes a moment to stop at a stand, putting on a yellow sun hat with flowers decorated around the ribbon as the vendor watches with a smile. “What do you think of this hat?” “You should pick one that covers up your face more,” Yoongi deadpans, causing the girl to scowl at him. Eventually, the group splits off, either eating or shopping for souvenirs. You remain walking on the streets alongside Hoseok, stealing a few peeks at him when given the chance. His hand slips from his pants pocket casually and as you stroll, it grazes the back of yours. “You can hold my hand if you want to,” you murmur, not sure if he hears you. But then after a delayed moment, Hoseok hums a low note and takes it. He laces his fingers with yours and a tiny smile sneaks up your lips, matching Hoseok’s. You lean closer to him, no one else in the office turning around to notice. It’s a long way to go, but it’s just the beginning.

The quietness used to make you feel unsettled. There was something about being in the silence of your own head, stewing over numerous thoughts, aboard trains that you don’t know where they’ll lead, only to forget once you’ve snapped out of it. But no longer is that quietness unpleasant. While you’ve had enough time to become comfortable in your own presence, having him here beside you makes you all the more content. The silence is far too comfortable. You stare out the window, smile stuck on your face, exhaling. The sceneries pass by, playing along to the tune of the soft radio. He’s singing quietly to any song he remembers and you don’t say anything, merely listening and being lulled. “You know…” You break the quiet, craning your neck over to stare at his profile. “You don’t have to tiptoe around me.” “Who says I am?” The lawyer steals a glimpse of you, a mischievous smirk pulling at his lips. “Me,” you tease, having too much fun know that the tables have turned. You repeat the things he used to tell you, using his own words against him. “You’re stiff — I can tell.” Hoseok snorts, a rush of air coming from his nose and his mouth curls. “I’m not just used to switching off my work mode. Plus, you’re too adorable and I’m not sure how to deal with that yet.” You scoff. “Don’t act cute with me, Jung.” “Why not?” He pouts, puffing out his cheeks and quirking his head to the side as if trying to appeal to you. “Don’t you like me cute?” “Focus on the road before we crash and die.” Hoseok laughs, hands moving along the steering wheel and turning it with the palm of his hand. He leans back in his seat, acting excessively casual and cool that it almost comes off as practiced. “You want to go to dinner afterwards? I still haven’t taken you out on our first official date yet.” “Depends where.” “How about Chinese?” You consider it before recalling the lunch you shared with him a few months back and a sense of nostalgia brings a better idea. “How about curry?” “Curry, it is! Yes, ma’am.” A giggle spills from your throat and you give a firm nod of approval. “That’s right.” “I know a good place. Leave it up to me.” “Okay. But if we eat at my place, you’re going to leave after.” “Of course.” Hoseok gasps, playing into his natural theatrics, and making you laugh when he pretends to take offense. “Who do you take me for?” “I’m just putting it out there. It’s my personal first date rules.” “Mine too.” He takes another peek before focusing on the road ahead. “Just letting you know, i have plans to abstain from any physical contact for the next decade.” Hoseok smiles when you laugh, cheeks aching. It seems that lately, all you feel is giddy. You point off to the curb, trying your best to remain composed, but obviously failing. “You should park here.” “Isn’t that too far away?” “...I don’t want my mom to chase you again.” “Fair enough.” Hoseok was helping you pick up your belongings that you left at your mom’s while staying there. It didn’t take an extra second for him to offer his driving services and you didn’t object either. “Are you sure you’ll be okay?” He opens the door for you, ushering you out with the utmost courtesy. “How’s your shoulder and your neck?” “I’m fine,” you insist. “I’m a lot better.” Still, he remains unsure. “Call me if you need help.” “I don’t know, Jung. You think you can handle my mom?” You’re bantering with him, all in good fun. But when his expression becomes blank, you realize he genuinely seems sad and sorry about it. You know Hoseok’s used to people not liking him in his line of work, but your mom was an important family member and it was clear he wanted her approval. You quickly jump in before his brain can implode with stress. “I’m fine. Don’t worry, alright? I’ll be out in five minutes.” “Okay.” You walk down the block, crossing the street before stepping up towards the front door. No one answers the doorbell. You ring again. Waiting. No one answers. With a sigh, you dig into your pockets for the key, wondering if she’s sleeping. The door opens and you slip off your shoes. “Mom?” “Y/N?” Her voice comes from upstairs and immediately, the ceiling trembles with her stomping steps making haste. “I thought I heard that doorbell!” “I’m just grabbing—” It happens too suddenly. Your mom’s hurrying down the stairs. And her foot — it slips. Her arm extends, grabbing onto the banister, but it’s not enough to hold her upright. Her feet lurch forward. Her body pulls away from her arms, going in different directions. There’s a terrible crash, and she tumbles down the stairs, hitting against the wall. You shout, paralyzed in shock. And your mom curses, laying on the floor by your feet. // A conclusion in your mind has finally been reached — the hospital is a terrible place to be. You didn’t know you would return so soon and this time, it isn’t even for you. You’re holding your mother’s cold hand in yours, unable to stop crying and sobbing onto the sheets as you’re hunched over, sitting in the stool beside her bed. The heart monitor lurches every so often with a beat. And while the sound is eerie and unpleasant, looking at her is even more so. The right side of her forehead is bruised, purple flowers blooming on her old skin wrinkled from age. You never noticed how tired she is, how it’s made her aged, and it makes you sob harder. “Oh my god.” She finally speaks up. “You need to save this for the funeral.” You wipe your eyes with your sleeve and she continues relentlessly, “I’m not dead yet and I won’t die so easily. God knows you’ve given me a heart attack enough times — if I’m not in the grave by now, I won’t be for a while.” “I thought….I thought…” “You’re just like your dad.” A softer smile pulls on her lips. “So concerned about everything. It gives me a headache.” You manage a small laugh at her absurdity. Honestly, you expect nothing less. “If you care this much, you’d visit more often or pick up your phone and call me. It wouldn’t kill you.” “Sorry…” The older woman nods, turning to face the plain ceiling and sighing. “My butt kind of hurts.” You frown, looking over her and slightly hovering. “Do you need me to call someone?” “I want liquids.” “Water?” “No. Tea.” She smiles. “Go look into the vending machines. As long as it’s not that iced tea, I’m fine with anything. If not, go to the cafeteria or find a coffee shop.” You’re appalled. “You want….tea?” “Yes. Will you get it for your dear mother?” Her request is more like a command. You’re not even sure if she’s allowed to have tea and you don’t know what’s wrong with her, but you abide your mother’s headstrong will, slowly getting up. “And leave that door open. I need some air in here. It’s suffocating me.” You obey, leave it slightly ajar and your eyes straying off before you spin around on your heel, going on a quest for tea whilst feeling like a child navigating the hospital on an odd mission. It’s quiet for a long moment and the woman inside the room sighs once more and looks off at the door. Her voice is still strong despite her fall. “Jung, get yourself in here. Don’t make me repeat myself twice.” There’s ten seconds of silence. Then, a nose pokes through the gap of the door and there’s someone meekly shuffling inside, acting all too out of character. Hoseok’s head is downcasted, eyes pinned to the ground, practically bowing on the floor. “Hello.” Your mother moves to sit upright, wincing in the process. The lawyer’s eyes widen and he rushes over, arms opening to help her, but then he retracts when she manages on her own. “Sit down, boy, and don’t touch me.” He immediately plops down and she glares, detesting his very face. Eventually, she looks away, scanning the premise. It’s a small hospital room with a window off the left wall, but private nonetheless. “You must be doing well if you could afford a room like this.” “I-uh...I’m doing okay.” “Did you really think I wouldn’t know you were here? I was still conscious when you picked me up, threw me into the backseat, and shipped me here.” “S-sorry…” Hoseok takes a deep breath, meeting her eyes. He hasn’t felt so nervous for something since his job interview at Wendy’s firm, but with years of being under strict authority and in stressful situations, he composes himself and speaks in a gentler tone. His hands are placed reverently on his thighs and he bows his head. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what I did to make you feel this way towards me. But I’m sorry for my actions. I was in accident—” “Save it. I’ve already heard it from my daughter.” The woman exhales, locking her gaze onto his and boring her eyes into his skull. Hoseok never thought there would be someone more intimidating than his sister, but he swallows hard and shuts up, allowing her to talk. “You’re a cruel man, Hoseok.” “To have the audacity to come back and court my daughter after you left her high and dry.” She half-scoffs and gives half a laugh of disbelief. The woman feels your humiliation, the shame of crawling back to someone who threw you away, the anger, the sadness, the helplessness. “You can’t even remember what you did to her. When I heard, I thought this was from a TV drama. I thought no way was this part of real life. I wouldn’t be surprised if you made it all up. But of course, it has to be real. You always find new ways to make my only daughter suffer. You can’t leave her alone, can you? Had I known back then, I would’ve thrown you out onto the streets right that instant.” She looks away with a scoff, too tired to berate him further, insult him, or chuck the tissue box at her bedside table towards his figure. The woman has given up. She sighs. “Well...what can you do?” It’s almost as if she’s speaking to herself. “How am I supposed to stop you...or her? I’m an old lady. I can’t even chase you out the house properly without falling over.” “But I hope that your intentions with my daughter are right or may god help you, Jung Hoseok, I will personally see you in hell.” It’s what her late husband would’ve said..maybe in less sharp terms. Still, she recites the words, reminding the lawyer who sits motionlessly beside her. “When I die, she won’t have any family left and no one to support her. I hope you will be the person she leans on.” “I won’t disappoint you,” he reaffirms, earnest in his promise, keeping his head downcasted respectfully. “I’m not giving you my blessing because of you, boy. I’m giving it because I know my daughter’s stupid and you’re stupid — it makes you both a good match. And if I didn’t accept you...well...I’d rather not make her suffer more.” Despite her cold words and insults, her arm extends, putting her hand over his like she did with you. She pats him once with a bit of reluctance. “If you’re not serious, if you’re not committed to her, then tell me. I don’t want you to make a mistake and make her experience...that again.” “I’m serious about Y/N,” Hoseok whispers, wholehearted and purposeful with how he punctuates the syllables. “I love your daughter very much.” “Good.” She nods and allows herself to relax back into the soft bed. “That makes me feel a lot more at peace.” Outside of the room, you’re leaning against the wall. You’re right by the door with a cup in hand, but never once are you seen from the inside. Patients, doctors, and nurses pass by you, the world moving around. They’re oblivious to your smile and the way your chest has eased with a bigger weight you didn’t even notice existing there. // “Did my mom say anything?” The door shuts to your apartment and your feet pad against the floorboards, making your way to the modest kitchen. “I was surprised to see you two chatting.” “She said to say hi to my mom.” He follows after you, setting down the takeout. “Apparently, they were good friends or something.” “Oh, I see.” You don’t push, but you shift around to face him, stopping Hoseok right in his tracks. “Are you alright? You’ve been quiet.” “I’ve been thinking.” “About?” Jung Hoseok’s hair is slightly ruffled, not styled or curled into the common look he wears for work. He’s enveloped in a simple black hoodie and dark jeans, bringing you a sense of nostalgia as if no time has passed whatsoever. “That I don’t really….care anymore.” You frown in confusion, not understanding where he’s getting at. “What?” “I know it might be bad, but I don’t care what happened to us. I’ve just been thinking that this entire time, I’ve been hung up about the past and our history together and now I realize I don’t care.” There’s a pause, his brown irises gazing back into yours. “What I care about is now.” You echo him, “Now?” “What I should care about is the things I can remember. What I have is the power to control my future. And I want to spend that future with you.” You scoff, stepping forward and encircling your arms around him. It’s odd to hug him like this, but it’s not necessarily foreign. “You’re such a sap, Hobi,” you murmur underneath your breath. He smiles, leaning down until his chin is propped on your shoulder, returning your embrace and giving you a tight squeeze. “I know. I should’ve majored in literature, huh? With a concentration in poetry or something...” “Imagine if the rest of the firm saw you now.” “That would ruin my image,” he mumbles, shutting his eyes and enjoying the way you lean your head against him and how your fingers run through the black strands of his hair. A wistful sigh leaves the seams of your lips, relaxing in his grasps. “Your image is already ruined.” He pulls away with a slight pout. “What do you mean?” “You’re a softie now.” You poke him, even when Hoseok sulks harder. “You’re not so scary anymore and they think you’re my best friend.” “Me? Best friends with you?” The man grins, mouth pulled slightly in a heart shape as his eyes crinkle. He resists the urge to nuzzle into you. “I couldn’t think of a better position to be in.” “Oh?” A single brow raises. “Want to go back to being friends then?” “Excuse me?! Are you trying to friendzone me? I think it’s too late for that.” “Nothing’s ever too late.” You giggle, placating him and slipping out from your best friend’s arms. “Let’s eat before the food gets cold, and I change my mind and you’re back to being my friend.” He salutes you silently before opening the plastic bag, fiddling with the knot for a while. A smile pulls at your lips and while you didn’t say it out loud — you’re glad that he agrees with you. Your past is filled with Jung Hoseok and so is your present. You hope your future will be too.

#bts scenario #bts fanfic #hoseok fluff #hoseok fanfic #hoseok scenario

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whiskynottea · 6 years ago

Photo

An Interruption in the 1st Law of Thermodynamics.

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapter 8, Chapter 9, Chapter 10, Chapter 11, Chapter 12, Chapter 13, Chapter 14, Chapter 15, Chapter 16, Chapter 17, Chapter 18, Chapter 19, Chapter 20, Chapter 21, Chapter 22, Chapter 23, Chapter 24, Chapter 25, Chapter 26, Chapter 27, Chapter 28, Chapter 29, Chapter 30, Chapter 31, Chapter 32, Chapter 33, Chapter 34, Chapter 35, Chapter 36, Chapter 37, Chapter 38, Chapter 39, Chapter 40, Chapter 41, Chapter 42, Chapter 43, Chapter 44, Chapter 45, Chapter 46, Chapter 47, Chapter 48, Chapter 49, Chapter 50, Chapter 51 Chapter 52

AO3

Huge thank you to my beta, @theministerskat for correcting the same mistakes 53 chapters in without any complaint!

picture by: Kamryn Hinojos

Chapter 53. Dust and Smiles

When I lived in Scotland I missed the sun dearly. Sunny days were treasured, and I found myself smiling without any particular reason when the sunlight snuck between the curtains of my room in the morning.

But sometimes a person can have too much sun. And too much dust stuck to their body. And there is a point when you think of rain and realise a wistful smile has appeared on your face at the thought. It’s the same moment you realise there isn’t an inch of your body not coated in grime.

I reached that exact point on a quiet afternoon in June, two weeks before I left Zambia. Some would say it had taken me long enough.

I was left alone after treating the skin wounds of a couple of five-year-old boys that had gone out ‘to explore’. Their little feet had raised tons of dust as they ran away from the clinic and the first thing that came to my mind was that I was extremely tired of washing my hair every night only to feel it dirty again by noon the following day.

Then, just before the boys disappeared out of sight, one of them turned back to look at me, white teeth stark against his dark skin as he smiled, and waved goodbye.

And suddenly, I didn’t mind the dust that much. I didn’t mind the heat, or how heavy my body felt at the end of each shift. All that mattered was their smiles when they left the clinic.

My three months in Zambia were so full of experiences, I could hardly believe it hadn’t lasted longer. I learned how to talk to people who were in pain, how to heal them or -- when this was impossible -- how to make them feel better. I learned to listen to them, to search their eyes, to read their discomfort or pain in the way they moved. And I learned how a single smile can make your day, how two skinny arms wrapped around your body or two warm hands holding yours can fill your heart to the brim.

Spending my childhood with Lamb, I was used to living amongst people who were different from me. He’d taught me to look at people and see them for all they were. Humans. Different, beautiful, every one a worthy individual.

“All people are the same,” Lamb used to say. “All genuine smiles make the eyes crinkle, all hearts beat in the same way inside our chests, not aware of colour or tribe.”

In Africa, I saw life, and I saw death. I saw the universality of pain. I felt hands squeezing mine in terror and in gratitude. And I felt full. I felt alive.

When I first decided to volunteer I had thought I would find a piece of my mother in Africa. I believed I would discover who she had been, what she had pursued in life. I didn’t. And I wasn’t disappointed, because I had found a piece of myself in the faces I met in Livingstone, and I cherished that. And maybe -- just maybe -- that piece of myself was hers. Passed down to me, together with her amber eyes, an unbreakable part of myself.

Being a volunteer had been a full time job -- and a demanding one at that. But I didn’t want to leave, not yet. I had more to give, there were people here who needed me. But I knew that my time was up. In two weeks, I would feel Scottish air against my skin once more. I would feel Lamb’s arms hugging me for a few extended moments before he would push away to look into my eyes and pet my hair the way he always did. And a week later, I would be at Lallybroch. Jenny had asked -- demanded, actually -- to spend a week or two there. She had enough of the men, she had said when we’d texted. And true to her word to her brother, she had sent me pictures of the estate, in full bloom and beauty.

Jamie would come home after the summer term. We would spend two weeks together before his next term began and I would go to Oxford. To Oxford, where -- unexpectedly -- I would find a familiar face.

Robert.

He had been different since his personal confession. His arrogance and cheeky comments hadn’t abated, but there wasn’t an edge to his voice anymore. It felt as though he needed someone to know his story, even if that someone wasn’t a friend, even if it was just me. He clammed up after that and never talked about his mother again, apart from the time he’d told me it was her wish that had brought him to Zambia as a volunteer.

We started, however, talking about literature. One evening I found him reading that fantasy book I had finished a few months ago. And when the conversation turned to our future plans after Zambia, he had looked down at me with a smirk and proudly announced that he had been admitted to Oxford University. I’d almost spit my pineapple juice out and onto his face. After that, our expectations and dreams of studying at Oxford became the most common topic of our discussions. Robert would be studying economics, expected to inherit and work in his father’s wine business in Provence. That was a relief. The last thing I wanted was to have the self-centered, competitive French on my heels through medical school. From what I had learned about him in the few months we lived together, he didn’t like being bested by anyone. And neither did I.

Jamie was the first to know I had found a fellow Oxford student in the middle of Africa. He and I had been texting and sending photos all the time, and I kept changing my screen background, choosing the funniest of the pictures he sent me. My favorite picture of him though, was the one he had sent me right after I arrived in Zambia. He was wearing a wide, silly grin as he sat in the bleachers of Michigan Stadium, my Wolverine amongst the blue and yellow sea of other students. He had sent it together with a text, shouting, “MY FIRST SPRING GAME!”

Boys.

Despite the selfies Jamie sent me every day -- in class, on his way there, before training holding the towel I had bought him, or tucked in with his blanket at night in bed, my favorite part of the week was when I saw him during our calls every weekend. I was always trying to take in every detail of him during our video chats -- his beautiful eyes, the way his curls moved as he excitedly gesticulated, his voice.

I missed him and I knew he missed me too. Even when John was present in their dorm and Jamie wouldn’t say it, his longing was obvious in the way he looked at me.

Two weeks and I would be at Lallybroch, in Jamie’s room. It made no sense for me to fly straight to Michigan with Jamie having his final classes and preparing to sit for his spring term exams. I had looked for tickets to visit him right after the exams, but the fares were too high to even consider it.

We had agreed that it was not the ideal situation but okay nonetheless. We would survive it. At least, once I was back in Scotland, we would be able to call each other every day. As John had said, laughing, the force of the internet would be with us.

Jamie would come home at the end of August, after his summer term, and we would be at Lallybroch together, spending every single minute with each other.

“We have to make up for so much lost time,” Jamie had said to me during our last call, and the glint in his eye was as terrifying as it was exhilarating.

A text on my phone brought me out of my reverie and I realised that I was still standing under the sun, alone, looking towards the far end of the road.

I found myself doing that a lot lately.

Scot: John’s cousin is a pain in the ass.

Sassenach: Hello to you, too.

Scot: Hi babe. John’s cousin is a pain in the ass. She called him, woke us up, and she demands that we pick her up from her hotel and show her around.

Sassenach: Well, she came to visit. Makes sense, no?

Scot: It. Is. Too. Early.

Sassenach: It’s 1 pm here!

Scot: You’re not helping. It’s 7 in the morning. Maybe I can send her there, then?

Sassenach: Is that the cocky cousin or the nice one? I doubt they’ll like the dust we have here, in any case.

Scot: The cocky one. Can I come there myself? Please?

Sassenach: Why aren't you on your way, already? :P

Scot: Don’t tempt me.

Sassenach: I don’t have anything to do right now.

Scot: We didn’t send you there to relax under the sun, Sassenach. Get that gorgeous round arse to work.

Sassenach: It seems I’ve healed all of Zambia.

Scot: So humble.

Sassenach: Always. I took lessons from the best.

Scot: Fuck you.

Sassenach: What? Since when are you talking like that? I need a selfie to make sure it’s really you.

I spent a whole minute wishing his selfie to load faster, but I ended up with a sleepy Jamie on my screen, which was worth the wait.

Sassenach: So it is you. These Americans are rubbing off on you, no? AND I DON’T MEAN IT LITERALLY. Also, fucking seems a bit difficult right now, seeing as you’re half a planet away.

Scot: But I’m ready, you know, right now.

I could almost see his pout and the challenge in his eyes when I closed my own, and I felt my cheeks turn red.

Sassenach: Okay. Shut up!

Scot: DAMN WAIT TILL I SEE YOU AGAIN. JUST WAIT.

Sassenach: Oh I’m looking forward to that.

Scot: Aaaaargh

Sassenach: Eloquent. Now get dressed, go get John and Hector, and show the girl around. She came all the way from Penrith to see Ann Arbor.

Scot: I just don’t get why I have to go, too.

Sassenach: John is your friend. This is what friends do. I spent all Saturday afternoon shopping with Louise.

Scot: I hate you.

Sassenach: Me too. Send me pictures?

Scot: Always. You too. Actually, I need one right now.

I took a picture of my dirty dusted face and sent it to him, grimacing when I saw how sloppy I looked.

Scot: You’re so tanned, I want to lick you.

Sassenach: Believe me you don’t. I’m dirty.

Scot: DIRTY? OMG STOP TALKING. I’m hard already and I have to get dressed.

Sassenach: You are ridiculous. Have I ever told you that?

Scot: Only a million times.

Sassenach: Good!

Scot: I’m going to take a cold shower AND CERTAINLY NOT THINK OF YOU.

Sassenach: I wish I was there with you.

Sending that, I actually snickered. His reply came in milliseconds.

Scot: You are a heartless, dangerous woman.

Sassenach: And yet you love me. Now go shower.

Scot: I do love you. And I’ll prove to you how much once I get my hands on you, you tease. Ttyl!

Raising my eyes from the screen, I saw Louise looking at me.

“You know I can tell when you’re texting Jamie, from that silly smile on your face?” she asked, keeping her arms crossed in front of her chest as if judging me.

“What can I do?” I didn’t try to hide my smile. “I found myself a good one.”

Louise nodded and came to stand next to me. A moment later a heavy sigh left her lips, and I noticed the shadows in her eyes. “Margaret was crying again. I tried to talk to her, but she won’t listen. She’s leaving next week and she doesn’t want to go back.”

“Makes sense.” Louise’s mood had been bad the last few days. “The moment she’ll be back, she’ll have to deal with reality. He won’t be there, and there will be no way to escape.”

“She keeps talking in her sleep. She’s having weird dreams, you know.” Louise twisted her rings absentmindedly, not looking at me.

“I know. I woke her last night because she was murmuring and thrashing about. Jeremy was awake too, and we kept her company until she was settled again.”

“I’m sorry to see her go, especially knowing she’s still so unstable. I think her family isn’t supportive and that terrifies her even more.”

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Two of the volunteers I got to know had come to Zambia carrying a great emotional load and needing a chance to escape. They were trying to heal themselves through healing the others. The universality of pain, all over again.

“Charlie called me.” Louise changed the subject, this time with a smile. “He said he misses me.” She rubbed her hands against her thighs, awkwardly, but met my eyes when I turned to look at her.

“Rather convenient, wouldn’t you say? Seeing as you’re going back home next week.”

“Not all of us are strong, Claire.” Her voice was harsh and I bit my lip, regretting being so straightforward.

“You know better, I guess.”

Louise sighed again. “I wish I did, actually. I don’t know what to do when I get back to Paris.”

I placed my hand on top of her shoulder and squeezed lightly. “You don’t need to decide right now. You can meet him, see what he has to say, how he’ll explain himself.”

Louise nodded, sleek brown locks of hair escaping her loose ponytail. “I wish we were as strong as you and Jamie are. Everything would be simpler.”

“Well, it’s not like everything comes easy and we don’t try at all. We’ve just decided that being together matters the most, and we’re not sacrificing what we have just because we’re not close. We’re both stubborn and it helps -- thus far, at least.”

My phone vibrated against my leg, and I unlocked it to see a picture of Jamie and John rolling their eyes, and a girl in the background.

Sassenach: Out, already?

Scot: Yeap. She’s fourteen but she’s so bossy I think John is afraid of her.

Sassenach: And you?

Scot: I’m being a good friend, as I was advised to be. I already regret it.

Sassenach: Where are you?

Scot: Out for breakfast. She had the longest order I’ve heard in my whole life. She actually ordered something from the menu and then changed every little bit of it. It was embarrassing.

Sassenach: Leave a good tip.

Scot: We will! Hector turned red as she kept going on and gave the waitress a shy smile.

Sassenach: I wish I was there, sitting at another table just to make fun of the three of you.

Scot: Believe me, babe, if you were here I’d sit right next to you at a table in another cafe.

Sassenach: Drama queen.

Scot: You haven’t met wee Geneva yet.

Sassenach: How come she visited without her parents?

Scot: They had promised her this trip if her grades were good. They were. She’s really smart, actually. It makes her more of a pain in the ass.

Sassenach: Maybe the three of you can teach her something, you know? Humility, for example.

Scot: Not a chance.

I stuck my tongue out, took a selfie and sent it.

Scot: Don’t you show me that tongue because I have dreams about it. And I hope you’re there alone.

Sassenach: I’m with Louise! She says hi!

Scot: Hello Louise! Take care of Claire for me, okay?

Sassenach: You realise I’m still the one reading the texts, right?

Scot: Just read that one aloud.

Sassenach: I’m capable of taking care of myself, thank you.

Scot: I know. My strong and stubborn lass. John looks desperate and Hector is huffing. I’m going to save them from their misery because I’m a good friend.

Sassenach: The best! Go save them, my gallant lad!

I huffed a laugh and turned my focus back to Louise. “It was quiet today.”

“Mmmm.” Her eyes were closed, her face relaxed under the sun.

“Whatever happens with Charlie, you’re going to be fine,” I said, using my most reassuring tone.

“Mmmm.”

I decided to join her and close my eyes for a bit, but an elderly woman and her daughter came into view. “Well, don’t blame me for that,” I murmured and nudged Louise, who opened her eyes, saw the patients, and shot me an accusing glance.

“Hello,” she said as she turned back to the women, and we both rose from the bench.

Who knew what waited for us once we got back to normalcy. For now, we had work to do.

Chapter 54

#thermodynamics #the first law of thermodynamics #jamie x claire #high school AU #college AU #outlander fanfic #outlander fanfiction

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ellana-ravenwood · 7 years ago

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Behind closed door - Bruce Wayne x Reader (Erotica)

I feel absolutely awful, and for some reason, writing smut is oddly comforting, so here we go for some Bruce smutty story ! (with feelings, like the story is actually mainly relationship things between Bruce and Batmom and a little smut around there ;-)). Sorry again that I haven’t posted in a while, I just...had a major change in my life and wasn’t feeling fit to write if that makes sense. Anyway, hope you’ll like it :

IMPORTANT WARNING : THIS IS EROTICA ! THIS IS NOT FOR YOU IF YOU ARE UNDERAGED, I GODDAMN MEAN IT. Like there’s cute and sweet feelings in the mix, but also...smut, so if you’re not 18 or more, or if you’re not comfortable with that sort of things etc etc, this story ain’t for you. I have tons of other very SFW story, for averyone to read, and if you wanna check those out instead, it’s right here, on My masterlist blog : @ella-ravenwood-archives.

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Behind closed doors, Bruce Wayne was different. Of course, it takes time to get him there, to crack his shell and for him to allow him to be that man, only behind closed doors.

Behind closed doors, Bruce Wayne was different. He could be himself...Finally.

The first time it happened, it was rather early on in your relationship.

On the anniversary of his parents' death, to be exact.

************

You had been together for, technically, eight months by then.

Officially though ? Only 4 months. Half of your relationship has been spend hiding from paparazzis and people in general.

Hell, even Alfred didn’t know anything about you !

You understood why though. He was the famous Bruce Wayne ! He had a reputation to keep ! He couldn’t date a nobody from a poor part of town like you ! He couldn’t seriously date anyone ! Especially not you, a way younger girl who wasn’t even that beautiful, intelligent or famous ! (Bruce would argue that you were the most beautiful and intelligent woman he ever met though, but he was always so nice to you...).

Besides, you also thought that the reason you guys always went on secret dates, the reason for Bruce to sneak in your room quietly, or for you to “infiltrate” his office to go have a quickie on his desk, the reason you guys kept thing hidden...was because he didn’t want you to think this...”thing” you had between the two of you was something serious.

He didn’t want you to think he wanted to actually date you.

And if it was known that you and him went on little dates (or worst, if anyone heard about how you often went to just have sex with him in his office, or how the famous Bruce Wayne would sneak into your apartment complex to fuck you everywhere in your apartment...Well, it was a bit unrealistic and crazy to think anyone would know that but what if ?) and such, then you’d become his “official girlfriend”, and the day he’d want to finish this “thing” you had ? The day he’d want another girl ? ...Then you’d be humiliated. You’d just be his woman toy and everyone would talk about you for days. The woman who wasn’t just a date, but a regular booty call...Of the great Bruce Wayne ! Surely, this would be all over the news for weeks.

You knew Bruce enough to know that he wasn’t that kind of man, he could sometimes be a bit insensitive and such but you knew him...No matter what he liked to say right after he slept with you, when his defenses were a bit down and he was trying to convince you he wasn’t good for you, he was actually a good man.

Sure he was known to be a womanizer but every women who ever went out with him knew what “this” was, they knew they probably wouldn’t stay long with him, even if they had hope about it. They knew that the next week ? They’d be out.

Sometimes, you thought about how, four months later, you were still not “out” but at the same time, you knew, just like those women he dated that you were probably just a phase. You were already so amazed that a man like Bruce Wayne would have any interest in you so...But yes, despite what he said about himself, and what the news sometimes portrayed him like, he was actually a true gentleman (thanks Alfred). So he kept it hidden, he kept it to himself because...It was just fun casual sex right ? Right. No.

The reason he hid your relationship like that for all this months was out of fear. Fear for your life. Fear that something would happen to you because of who he was (at night AND during the day). Fear of loosing you.

When he first met you, at a small charity event you organized (it was a charity to give better access to books and such to disadvantages communities in Gotham), he was instantly drawn to you, hypnotized by you.

At first, he even thought you were a meta-human who had the capacity to play with people’s mind, to control them, because the attraction he had to you ? It was just too strong to be natural and yet...And yet as his eyes laid on you for the first time, as you were telling off a rude woman who kept bothering you about champagne, and felt his heart race for seemingly no reason (at least no reasons he understood at the time)...He kind of knew that you didn’t have super powers. That you were just...Special.

He found himself talking to you without really knowing how it happened. And a week later, when he backed you up against a wall to kiss you passionately ? It just felt as if it was meant to be.

But a dilemma was killing him from inside. Somehow, he couldn’t stop himself from coming back to you over and over again but...he couldn’t put your life in danger willingly. You could never have a life with him, his nightly activities would forbid that forever and...So he kept all of this a secret.

He made you think what you had was just casual while after only four months together he was head over heels for you. He hid you from the World, kept you to himself and he almost fooled himself into thinking this could be it. It wouldn’t really be fair to you, to only have a secret thing going on with him, with no prospect for the future, but at least...At least he could be with you.

He could hold you in his arms, kiss you, make love to you...even if in your mind it was probably just casual sex with the richest man in Gotham ! (It wasn’t , you never cared about his fancy gifts and money, in fact, the same kind of spell that got him hit you as well when you saw him for the first time, when your eyes met...you were deeply in love already, and so was he, but God forbid that any of you would admit that first...Too scared of having your heart broken).

And then one day, a solution offered itself.

You discovered that he was Batman. Pure luck. He saved you and...Oh you would recognized that jaw line anywhere. And you suddenly understood (Bruce always said you were a smart one).

You understood why he kept everything a secret, you understood why he never said anything, you understood why he never spoke about his feelings, even though when he made love to you, it seemed so genuine...

You understood everything.

And you told him he was a “dumb stupid idiot” for thinking he had to protect you somehow.

This was your life. You made the choice. Not him. He wasn’t allowed to decide for you what you’d do, how you’d live. Him leading a dangerous life wasn’t a reason for him to break up with you, as he wanted when you discovered who he really was. Nope. He had no right to choose for you...It broke his heart, to know that he was dragging you down with him, and into the madness that was his life...But if he was completely honest with himself, deep down, he was beyond happy that you told him off, that you didn’t let him self-sabotage himself by breaking up with you, that you were all like : “fuck you Bruce, you don’t get to decide for me, only I is allowed to fuck my life up ! Now kiss me you dumb stupid idiot !”.

It was a relief, really, to be able to finally be free. To be able to finally hold your hand in public, and show how fucking in love he was with you.

It was a relief for him to know that you’d always be there for him (deep down, he knew you would, even when he was in his darkest hours, and when he was acting like a proper asshole...because it was who you were, made to keep him grounded, to tell him to fuck off if need be, and such things. You and him were a match made in Heaven). And it was a relief for you to know all of that wasn’t just casual sex...Because fuck, you loved that dumb stupid idiot !

And here you were, 4 months later, after your relationship “officially” started, though you’d really been with him for almost eight months, waiting for him in Wayne Manor, watching stupid soap operas on the Bat Computer.

Here you were, exactly where you were meant to be...

************

And this is when it happened the first time.

When for once in his life, Bruce Wayne totally lost control, and let go off of things.

Of everything.

Thanks to you, and your damn stubbornness.

He came home as the sun was going up, and you instantly knew something was wrong...Yeah ok, you knew because he looked sad and such, but also because Alfred told you today was his parents’ death anniversary.

Bruce’s all life revolved around his parents’ death, and really, it was quite a miracle that you were able to crack his shell that far, that he let you enter his life (but really, it felt like he didn’t have a choice, he needed you, he was desperately in love with you and...he just couldn’t resist anymore, he needed you). So you could only guess that on the anniversary of their death, things were a bit...Difficult.

And when he exited the Batmobile as if he was a robot, when he approached the computer without even noticing you, and how his face was fixed and even more serious than usual (you couldn’t believe that it was possible) and...Yes, it was definitely a difficult day.

You woke up before him, very early in the morning as you had important affairs to attend in Gotham City. He was deep asleep as you were getting ready, and you knew that he had such rare times to sleep that you didn’t dare to wake him up...So you settled for a soft kiss on his forehead (even though he was sleeping, you could have sworn a small smile installed itself on his face at your touch) and left.

You were free only around six pm and knew that it would be too late to see him, therefor, you just went to wait for him in the Batcave. Alfred made you the most wonderful lunch ever and you told him he should just go to bed, as he looked so tired...Only you could convince such a man to do anything, and with a kiss to your cheek, like a father would give his daughter, the butler went to sleep, as you took care of monitoring the Batcomputer instead of him.

You liked doing that. It was a way of keeping an eye on Bruce and making sure he was ok. Usually you’d talk to him in calm moments but...Tonight ? There wasn’t one time where you were able to talk to him. It seemed like he was constantly LOOKING for trouble. Usually, as the night went by, he’d have plenty of work already but tonight ? It seemed as if he wanted to get into fights. He even beat up a bunch of young men trying to rob an ATM...

And the worst of it all ? He disconnected his mic when he got into the bat mobile to get back home. It seemed like the great Batman just wanted to be left alone...but that wouldn’t do with you. Nope.

You weren’t going to leave him alone while he was going through such a tough time ! And so you stayed up all night and waited for him.

************

He arrives at the bat computer and turns his chair to sit in and...oh the look of surprise on his face when he sees you is absolutely priceless.

-(Y/N) ? What are you doing here ?

There’s a harshness in him that you’re used to see, only, usually, it’s gone the moment he sees you...Right now ? It’s still there, and he looks past you and on the computer, clearly ready to work some more even though he had a long day.

He looks at what you were doing on the Batcomputer (curiosity killed the cat...fortunately for you, you weren’t a cat, and somehow, Bruce didn’t seem to mind much you snooping around in his files...also, the fact that your name and your birthday were his current password filled you with glee) then looks at you severely and...yup, nope, you’re not about to take his shit.

Without being delicate as he would usually be, he gets you on your feet and...even if he wants to, he still begrudges to move you too forcefully, and you know it’s the first step to break his shell and talk to him.

It’s the first time though, that he seems so resolute, so set on staying broody and such and...You understand. It’s his parents’ death anniversary, he feels like he has to be sad on that day, and the fact that he isn’t as sad as he used to be troubles him greatly. You know it does. And so patiently, you take his hands that he wrapped around your arms to get you out of the chair, and unwrap them from there...

-Bruce...

He turns his head away, unable to look at you in the eyes because he knows...He knows he won’t be able to hold himself up if he sees the worry in your eyes, if he sees the concern. He tries to pull away from you but you hold tight on his hand and, not wanting to hurt you, even in this dark state of his...He doesn’t resist.

When your palm touches his cheek softly, he pulls away brutally, as if the contact of your skin on his bared jaw burned him but..it’s because he can’t handle this. Not today.

Alfred knows, which is probably why he went to bed early (or at least, one of the reason why). On this particular day, he couldn’t handle it...He couldn’t handle love. He couldn’t handle affection. No. Not today.

On the day of his parents’ death, Bruce always made sure he’d be on his own most of the times, that he’d unwind by kicking some ass in the night, and then would come back to mourn alone but...it was the first year that there was actually someone. Someone who stayed.

He cursed at you. He tried to push you away. But you stayed. Right there. In front of him. Way shorter than him and yet, your aura and will was almost suffocating his.

You wouldn’t go anywhere, no matter what. You knew he wouldn’t really hurt you, and you knew that even though he tried to push everyone away, he never actually wanted to be alone that night. He never wanted to not feel anything, as he felt everything.

He needed you. If you ever felt like no, he really needed to be alone, then you would be gone but...if he really wanted to, then why wasn’t he letting go of your hands ? Why was he leaning in your touch when you brushed your fingers against his cheek ? Why was he slowly “falling” towards you, in your arms ?

If he really wanted to be alone, why was he avoiding your eyes when he told you to leave him ? Why couldn’t he just ask you ? Why ? Why ?

He knew the answer. You knew the answer.

He didn’t want to be alone. He didn’t want to be alone...

-Bruce...

Your voice is like an electric shock running through his body and finally, finally he looks at you. He truly does. He doesn’t look around your face, behind you or elsewhere. He looks deep into your eyes.

You slowly remove his cowl, to see his face, and he lets you.

And that’s when it begins. That’s the first time it happens.

Because of your damn stubbornness and love, or rather, thanks to your damn stubbornness and love, for the first time since his parents died, Bruce Wayne is about to let everything go. To loose control (in a good way). To truly, really, let go off of everything.

He closes your eyes as you massage his temples softly, a gesture you know he always found soothing beyond measure. You can already feel his feature relax, his stern mouth drops a bit, small tears are welling up in his eyes, afraid to get out and...It happens suddenly.

The first step of this all thing, the first step of a plan you just made up on the spot. “Helping Bruce, the love of your life, to let go”.

It happens so suddenly...You fall on the floor as his weight comes crashing on you, his arms wrapping around your form, squeezing you against him in a tight hug.

************

Your in his arms for what feels like hours. Hours of murmuring soothing words in his ears. Hours of caressing his hair lovingly. Of him clinging to your pyjamas, not wanting to let go.

Words spill out of his mouth without him even noticing. He tells you everything. How on this day, each year, the pain of his parents’ death is a bit less strong. How on this day, each year, he feels guilty that it doesn’t hurt as much as it used to. How, on this day, each year, he tries to empty himself of everything but the loss of his parents, to not forget them, to not fail them...How, on this day, each year, it gets more and more difficult.

How your presence makes everything even worst. Because with you, something happened. Something he never expected...He was happy. Truly happy. And...He couldn’t be happy with his parents gone right ?

He tells you everything, and for each of his tears, and sobs, you’re here. You reassure him. Of course it’s not forgetting or failing his parents to not be in pain as much as he used to. Of course it’s not being a traitor to them to be happy...In fact, they would probably want him to be.

Each of your words hit him, right in the heart. And there, sitting on the floor, holding you tight against his heart, he takes the first step.

The first step of letting things go.

All of your words hit him right in the heart, and help him realize that...Yes. It’s ok. It’s ok to feel better, after all this years. It doesn’t mean he loves them any less. IT’s ok. It’s...ok.

He let them go. For the first time since their death, he makes peace with all of this. The anger subsides, the sadness is still there, but bearable and...it feels good. It feels perfect. To let them go. Or rather, to let himself go, and forgive himself. Of course he could never truly let them go, but he could let his feelings go. He could loose control over them, even if for just a few minutes.

And there, in your arms, that’s exactly what he does.

************

You don’t exactly recall how it happened, as everything kinda turned into a blur. It was the first time Bruce told you all about what he felt. Absolutely everything. From the day his parents died to now. How he felt when they got murdered in front of his eyes, to how he feels about you know.

How the pain he felt at the time, can only be echoed by the love he has for you now. The intensity of his feelings for you were as strong as the pain he felt all those years ago.

And all his pent up feelings hit you like a tsunami. All of this pain he refused to acknowledge or talk about, not even to Alfred. All of this sadness and despair. And then the fact that you were his beacon of hope...it makes you feel too many things, and your mind enter a sort of daze.

You recall taking his hand and getting back on your feet, kissing him passionately because that’s all you could do after such revelations.

You recall him getting rid of his Batman armor and following you wearing his undershirt and such. You remember tumbling into his room (you didn’t know it yet, but in just a few weeks he would ask you to move in with him) and onto his bed.

You have little piece of memory about how you teared each other’s clothes off, eager to get that skin to skin contact you both craved so much...The usual foreplay was skipped, you both felt such raw emotions that there was no time for any teasing at all, and you were both sure that if you tried to blow him or if he would eat you out, you both would come too quickly to your liking...

And here you were, below him, with his tongue in your mouth and his cock buried deeply inside you.

But something was wrong. It didn’t feel right. Not him being inside you of course, oh no, this always felt right but...He was still trying to hold himself.

You could feel it in his muscles all around you. You could feel it in his very being. He wasn't letting go, and this was a problem.

You first noticed it when he got rid of your panties and settled himself at your entrance. In his eyes, only lust and love, though there was still...Something shining in his pupil. Something that held him back. It wasn’t his guilt, that was for sure, it was something else.

You raised your hip and grinded against his erection, to show him that you were ready, to show him that you were waiting for him to slide inside you...You left a wet trail of your juice on his member, tearing a low moan from him, and your smile...Oh your mischievous smile as you did all this on purpose ? It made him loose control. Good. But only for a second.

In one swift and rather brutal move, he was inside you, and he might have had let go off of everything right there and then, as he felt your tight flesh clenching around his dick, but...You.

You were the one that was holding him back. The little light in his eyes, that stopped him from completely letting go, it was his love for you. His fear of hurting you. And when he pushed violently inside you like that, your wincing face stopped him right in his track.

Yes. That was it. He was afraid to hurt you. Afraid to break you in half. You know he could do exactly that, Hell, you wanted him to...But he would never do it, and all of that because you couldn’t help but grimace at his sudden entrance.

You cursed at yourself a bit. You didn’t mean it. It was a reflex. You just couldn’t hold the slight little grimace of pain because....Well, he was bigger than most men, definitely bigger than anyone before, and his sudden intrusion inside you, though you consented to it, was painful. But what he didn’t understand was that it wasn’t a bad kind of pain.

-Sorry (Y/N) I didn’t mean to...

Your finger on his lips shuts him up. Your free hand running up and down his scarred back soothed him. But you knew this wouldn’t change anything.

Just like every time you two had sex, he would hold back and make sweet vanilla love to you. Not that it wasn’t pleasurable, oh no, not at all, on the contrary, the man knew how to use what was between his leg. And his mouth, too (it’s important to notify this). But you always felt like he wanted to do more, without daring to ask, or maybe not wanting to because he knew it could inflict you pain...And there, the way you winced as he entered you, was a sure way of making him slow down and make love to you with passion, but not a primal one, not letting fully go.

This wouldn’t do.

You weren’t about to let him ruin your effort. The hours you spend on the cold floor in the bat cave to soothe him and to help him loose control, to truly cry and tell you what was on his heart. If he didn’t let himself go now, it would ruin everything ! And so, even though it was difficult to not just enjoy what he was making you feel as he slowly pushed out and then back inside you, you pushed him off of you.

You weren’t about to let him slowly bring you to ecstasy, to let him ignore his own need and put you first. He could do that later, now, it was all about him and what he wanted. He had to realize that right now, YOU were putting HIM first. He had to loose control, to fucking let go.

-Did I hurt you ?

He asks, worried that you pushed him off like that. His eyes were full of concern for you and it made your heart melt.

But you didn’t push him off of you because he hurt you, oh no. You pushed him off because you needed to take care of him, and to help him loose control.

-(Y/N) ?

He asks hesitantly, and it’s like he’s a small lost boy again and...it tears your heart away. You’re suppose to help him right now, not make him feel like he did something wrong ! You smile and it seems to sooth him a bit.

Your hands go on his chest, and you push him on his back, softly, with languid touches. He catch a heavy breath and you know you’re on the right way.

-Let go Bruce.

Your words turn inside his head as you straddle him and settle yourself above him. He knows what you’re about to do, and he’s about to stop you because...You slam down on his length, and the sudden pleasure is to intense for him to be able to do anything but gasp and grab your hips.

He doesn’t mean for his fingers to dig into your flesh like that, but he can't help it, he can't...He can’t control it. He can’t...he can’t even...He can’t even think about it.

You raise again, and slam back down, hard, taking all of him inside you. Again, it’s a good kind of pain, to feel him stretch you like that. To feel him pulse inside. His fingers will surely leave marks on your waist but you don’t care, and when your nails rack down his chest, the way his cock twitch inside you...you know you’re on the right track.

You ride him as hard as you can, like you had wanted to ride him for so long. You take him deeper than he ever dare go, feeling him hit a sensitive place deep within you. You ride him and...you loose control too.

Your screams of pleasure can’t be fake, he knows it. Your face, above him, like that...Oh...Oh...

-You’re so beautiful...

He manages to tell you between two moans, before you slam back down on him and a wave of pleasure washes over him. You smile at him and move your hips in a circle, as he’s deeply sheathed inside you, making him groan.

His fingers squeeze your hips once again, and you know he’s close. Not close from cumming, oh no, he could go for hours without doing so. No. He’s close from letting it all go. But you also know he needs just that small little push.

And you’re willing to give it to him. To slow your rhythm, which doesn’t make anything less pleasurable, and you slide languidly on his member, using one of your hand to massage what isn't inside you, to malaxe his balls and his eyes roll back. It’s the first time you see him like that.

He came multiple times, in and on you. In your mouth, in your pussy, on your boobs, on your ass...He orgasmed hundred of times with you beneath or above him. With you wrapped around his body. But all those orgasms and pleasure he felt, it was nothing compare to now.

Because he was close. Close to let everything go. Even when he was orgasming, he would always worry about your well being, or even about stupid things like “would Alfred hear you two ?” or something...but right now ? Nothing seemed to matter, but him being inside of you, and you willingly giving him your entire being. Not that you never before, but he was always so reluctant to accept it, to let himself go in you...But today ? Today is the day.

That dreaded day, the worst day of his life, of his year...that day, thanks to you, would become the first day of him finally letting everything go.

You know he’s close, and so you bend forward, your boobs brushing his chest. One of his hand travels from your ways to the small of your back, going all the way up to settle behind your neck, while the other one caresses your ass softly, pinching a little bit (not enough to your taste).

You know he’s close and your next word finishes him :

-Bruce...My heart...Let go. Let go Bruce. Don’t let anything hold you back. Let go. Drill me into the mattress. Toss me around and pound me until I can’t walk straight. Pin me against the cushions and take me, as hard as you can. Please Bruce, let go. You won’t hurt me, I like it...Just, let go. Come inside me, as deep as you can, fill me up.

Your murmurs in his ears are pure torture. He can’t. He can’t let go. He ca...

-I can feel you twitch inside me Bruce. I know you want it. And I do to. So why are you holding back ? Loose all control my heart, please Bruce. I love you. I want you to take me like that. I want you to..AAaah yes !

It is done. He really can’t hold back. And your sudden spur of pleasure was started by him sitting back up and smashing his hips into yours, getting back deep within you.

He pushes your back against the mattress and...You want him to drill you into it ? Those were your words right ? With an almost agressive kiss, he raises his hips and starts to pound into you harshly, hard, just like you asked. And if your moans are any indication, you do like it.

Him who was always so afraid to break you, so afraid you wouldn’t be able to take it...Oh he was wrong. You can. Of course you can. And it oh it feels good.

The sound of skin slapping skin has never been that loud before, and when he bites down on your neck, you know he’s lost. He lost all control. Good. Because you too. You bite his earlobe and he groans, pounding even faster inside you.

In this instant, your both back in your most animalistic form. And it feels great.

He pulls out of you and you groan in protest, but then he’s turning you around and rises your ass up and...Oh when he pushes back inside you, it feels even deeper than it was, if that was possible.

He takes both your hands and pin them with his on the headboard, as the entire bed rocks with each snap of his hips against yours. You can’t help but revel in the sound of pleasure he lets out...It’s the first time you hear him so loudly.

Usually, he’d make small little groans and sexy discreet moans, while you’d scream his name. He’d “hum” in content while you’d loose all control and moan louder than ever...He would always be so calm and collected even in sex. The only time you got a big sound out of him was that one time you blew him off in his office, taking particular attention to it because you thought it was fun to try and break him while people were waiting to have a meeting with him right fucking next door !

So right now, feeling and hearing him letting go just like you always did ? It made your pleasure even more intense. When he moaned loudly as you clenched around him, you couldn’t help but smile widely.

He rammed into you like this for ages, which was perfect but...Hey, he had to loose complete control. You knew he had fantasies that the was too afraid to speak about so...Why wouldn’t you help him a bit ?

As he was taking you doggy style, his hands digging into your hips, your fingers wrapped around the sheets tightly, and idea came to you...You took one of his hand in yours, and directed it toward your backside.

He knew what you was going to do, and he would have usually protested, he would have usually not done it...he couldn’t humiliate you like this ! But in the state he was in ? Oh he would do it, he wanted to do it !

Besides, you were guiding him, didn’t this mean you wanted it too ? Slowly, you let him push a finger into your tight asshole and...oh the wave of sensation ! Somehow, his intruding finger in your ass makes your pussy even tighter, and Bruce groans loudly at the sensation while you...You’re a mess really.

He’s completely undoing you.

By pushing his damn impressive dick deep inside you, in and out with a bone shattering rhythm. And by pushing his finger slowly inside your asshole, and then out, this foreign and new sensation amplifying everything.

You heard about how there were nerves there that could make the sexual act even better but...oh you could never imagine. You wanted more. Always. Though you were getting closer and closer, your breath hitched more and more and you knew you were close to coming...

He suddenly took his finger and dick out of you, and turned you around. You groaned at the loss of sensation but...seeing his face you understood. Oh. Ok. He was close to. This time, from his orgasm. And he wanted to see your face.

He turns you around and you’re both back in your initial positions.

This time, it goes slower, it’s sweeter, and you understand.

He wants to show you that he can let go and not be a complete animal. He wants to show you you just..You just...

You’re coming, as he pushes inside and out of you languidly, slowly, pressing open mouthed kiss on your chest and everywhere he can reach. You’re coming and it’s...more intense than anything you’ve felt before.

You and Bruce had been together for eight months. Four months spend in secret, with just random fucking session and kisses. Four months spend officially together...He told you “I love you (Y/N)” for the first time about a week ago, and you told him back but...all those time spend together, all those orgasms shared and all the time he made love to you ? This was nothing compare to what you felt right now.

You whispered his name, too out of breath to scream anymore, and he let out a strangled desperate moan as he came too, deep within you, filling you up with his seed, just like you told him to...

He falls, boneless, above you, and he doesn’t try to catch himself up. He can’t. Letting go wasn’t easy, and Bruce Wayne had just let go years of total and perfect control...He was exhausted. Both physically and mentally.

At some point, he made a move to pull out of you and roll on his side but you held him her, his soft cock still inside you, his weight fully resting on you. Somehow, it felt so damn safe and comfortable...You woke up the next day, late in the afternoon, tangled around each other, with him still inside you and..Well, let’s just say that it got hard pretty fast.

************

This was the first time Bruce truly let go of things. Of everything. Of his feelings and of his needs. The first time, and certainly not the last. Not as long as you were around at least.

You made sure that he would often talk about his frustrations, what was on his mind, what you could do to help...You never pressured him to, if he didn’t want to say something, then he wouldn’t. But then one day, you knew you’d be able to convince him to let it go and talk about it to you.

And you did the same to him, you both had no secrets for each others...And as the years went by, you got over the awkwardness of talking about what you felt, about what you truly felt. About each others and about things and people around you.

The love you shared was the purest and most intense one in existence, allowing the both of you to always speak freely. Sure, sometimes he was an asshole and you were in a bad mood, sure you would argue and such...but you’d always talk it out, because on that night, when you helped him let go for the first time in his life, an unbreakable bond was forged between you two.

Your best friend Diana once told you about a greek legend that people used to have two face, four legs, four arms...used to be “attached” by two, and one day, the Gods, afraid of their powers, split them right down their middle with his thunderbolt, leaving people wandering, sometimes forever, alone, without their soulmate...She also said that it was obvious you and Bruce were soulmates.

You couldn’t agree more. With who else would you talk casual about doing anal and then about what you’d like to eat for dinner ? To who else could you say your deepest and darkest secrets ?

And Bruce...With who else could he let go ? Behind closed doors, thanks to you, he could be himself.

You knew enough about him that you’d be able to ruin his reputation (just the fact that he love nearly violent sex, to tie you up or to be tied up, or the one of his many dirty kinks...oh and how he was actually never that sure of himself ?). Of course you’d never do it but...Yes. With you he could be himself. In your arms he felt...safe and warm. He felt like he was home. Finally.

After years, thanks to you, Bruce Wayne could finally let thing go, and loose control when need be.

************

Yes, behind closed door, the famous Bruce Wayne could be someone else completely. He could be almost like a child, wanting attention, affection and love. He could be a kinky bastard ready to try anything in bed with you (in bed or on other surfaces really, and in other places than the bedroom). He could be a lost man in need of help.

Behind closed door, when it was just you and him, he could finally let go. Leave control behind. Control over his emotions, over his body, over...everything. He could let go. Just with you. Show you his vulnerable side, his darker side, anything...he knew you’d always accept it. You made sure he knew.

Behind closed door, when it was just you and him...Bruce Wayne could finally be. As simple as that. He could be himself. Without fear of judgement or anything of the like. Without fear of scandal, or of his ennemies taking advantages of his weakness. Without any fears.

Behind closed door, Bruce Wayne could finally be.

As the years went through though, it wasn’t just you and him anymore. Sometimes, Alfred popped in too. And the boys...oh the boys, they were always welcome to see the real him.

But still. You were the one who allowed him to let go all those years ago, with a simple few words whispered in his ears...

Behind closed door, Bruce Waybe could finally be, and it was all thanks to you.

__________________________

This is pure shit all over the place as usual. And long, way too long (barely any dialogue, probably too fucking descriptive and shit), it was meant to be just a small smutty story and turned into...this long ass awfulness. Evidently, I forgot how to write (not that anything I wrote before is any good). I hope you’re not too disappointed ? Anyway. Here.

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caratdreams · 7 years ago

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divine

aka “i just spilled eggnog all over my soulmate”

Member: Jeonghan

Word Count: 2.5k

It had become a bad habit of yours, over the past year, to check your wrist whenever you met a stranger. Cute guy behind the counter? Hot man in a business suit? Bumped into a random person on the street? You’d lower your sleeve and check for a tattoo, but your bare skin stared back at you every time.

It was, admittedly, pathetic, but you just wanted to find your soulmate.

“Don’t tell me you just checked your wrist after making eye contact with that old man.”

“Listen,” you raised a finger, an abashed smile growing on your face as you racked your brain to justify to your behaviour. “Nah, I have nothing.” The two of you fell into a fit of giggles, the absurdity of your behaviour a common source of amusement.

“You really shouldn’t stress about it! Everyone finds their soulmate eventually.” Eventually. As comforting as it was meant to be, the term worried you – what if your ‘eventually’ came when you were as old as the guy you just made eye contact with? Most people, like your friend sat across from you, found their soulmates and developed that tell-tale tattoo on their wrist between the ages of 18 and 21. You were at the tail-end of this age range, it felt like you were running out of time. “Anyway, you’re coming to my Christmas get-together, right?”

“I have nothing better to do, so sure.” You yelped in mock-pain when your friend playfully smacked your arm.

“I’m gonna need more enthusiasm when you show up, otherwise I’m not letting you in.”

Jeonghan was still searching for you.

As much as he loved you, having to look for you every lifetime was beginning to get tiring, and he had no idea how many you had left. He didn’t know what he did to be cursed with given a human soulmate. The worst part, the part that broke was heart every time, was the fact that you never remembered. He was assured that one day you would, but until then he would have to enjoy recreating memories with you.

If he could ever find you.

It had never been this hard before. Then again, in all other lives he still had his wings. He still chuckled to himself every now and then when he thought back to the last time you met. He remembered the patterned circle dress you wore, complete with a matching set of gloves. You were stood next to your friend, whose focus was on taking a picture of the snowflake-shaped lights that hung in the air.

You gasped when you saw him, tapping your friend’s arm with panicked, frantic movements. By this point, Jeonghan realised that you had noticed, for there was no other reason for you to react that way. Unless you were just astounded by his beauty, which was also understandable.

“T-That man has wings!” he heard you splutter. Your friend lowered her camera, looked in the direction in which you were pointing before turning to you with a tired expression.

“What on earth are you talking about?”

“Do you not see them?” He had begun to laugh, and this seemed to annoy you. No, it seemed to piss you off. You began to march towards him, and in that moment, Jeonghan knew he was in for a fascinating lifetime. He couldn’t say he had a favourite version of you, though, for underneath all the different appearances and quirks, your core was always the same.

It always happened around Christmas. He knew you were near. You had to be.

Comforting lights of red, green, blue, and gold greeted you once you made it to your friend’s house. Tinsel was everywhere, draped around the most mundane of household objects – not a single part of the house was free from her Christmas spirit.

Entering the room, you promised yourself you weren’t going to check your wrist every 5 seconds. You were quick to engage in conversation with your friends, knowing this was the last time you’d all see each other until the new year. The room was jovial as you shared stories of all the madness that had occurred over the past semester. God, were you ready for that break.

“Oh, I need you to try my eggnog!” Before you got the chance to tell your friend how much you hated the drink, though she should have already known, she had dragged you into the kitchen and shoved a glass into your hand. You took a sip to appease her, though your tongue probably hated you for it. Your eyes scanned the room as you forced yourself to swallow, they landed on Joshua, who was stood with a guy you’d never seen before. You were sure you’d remember him if you did, even if it were only once.

“Joshua!” You put a hand on his forearm as he walked by, stopping him in his tracks. “Who’s your friend? I’ve never seen him before.”

“Oh, that’s Jeonghan, one of my friends from way back.” Joshua smirked at the look on your face, he could tell you were interested. “I’ll introduce you if you don’t check your wrist straight afterwards.”

“Shut up, Josh! I was just asking!” You rolled your eyes, taking a sip of the eggnog (out of a pure need to do something, not because you wanted it). It wasn’t any better than it was 2 minutes ago. A tingling sensation sparked in your wrist as soon as Joshua had mentioned it, sort of like how they say your ear burns whenever someone talks about you. “I’m gonna go introduce myself.” You announced to your friend.

“Just make sure he doesn’t see you checking your wrist, okay?” she quipped, to which you flipped her off.

“Those jokes got old like, 3 months ago!” Jeonghan was now standing by himself, filling his small disposable plate with hors d’oeuvres as he waited for Joshua to come back. “Hey, I haven’t met you before.”

“I’m Jeonghan.” His smile was kind, that was the first thing you noticed. Almost angelic, even. His voice was soothing as he told you how Joshua had invited him to the party, and how he didn’t usually attend things when he didn’t know anyone. His demeanour was calm and oddly familiar. “I couldn’t say no to this, though.”

“It’s the free food, right?” Jeonghan snickered, nodding to verify your statement.

“It’s so good. Try some!” Jeonghan gestured his plate towards you, but you were interrupted before you could pick an appetiser. Someone, who you later found out was the ever-chaotic Soonyoung, had bumped into you, sending you and your drink forward. The plate of hors d’oeuvres between the two of you had fallen to the ground. The contents of your drink had now decorated Jeonghan’s shirt.

“Oh God, I’m so sorry!” Jeonghan looked down at his stained shirt, looked back up at you and laughed. This, in turn, had you laughing – but with a hand over your mouth, because you at least had the decency to not laugh at him out loud. Somewhere between all this, Soonyoung had muttered an apology to you that you never ended up hearing.

“it’s okay, it’s okay.” Jeonghan smirked at you. “Bet you’re glad to have gotten rid of the eggnog, huh?”

“What gave it away?”

“Oh, shit.” Your friend, who had been watching your interaction with keen interest, made her way over. “My brother probably has some shirts in his room. It’s the first to the left.”

“Thanks.” Jeonghan disappeared upstairs, leaving you to cringe at the events.

You genuinely felt bad for ruining Jeonghan’s shirt, and now he was forced to wear one of your friend’s little brother’s shirts. The boy was still going through his angsty teenage phase, you were sure, so Jeonghan’s options weren’t looking too great.

It never occurred to you to knock on the door, you swung it open without hesitation.

Jeonghan’s back was facing you, but before you could blurt out another apology, your eyes zoned in to the scars on his back. There were two of them, crossing the length of one shoulder blade each. Your stomach dropped at the sight. It almost hurt to look at them, you imagined that the tiniest bit of pressure would have Jeonghan yelping in pain.

“Holy shit.” You were meant to think the words, not say them. Jeonghan jumped, holding the shirt to his chest once he turned around to face you. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you!” You cursed at yourself inwardly for even opening your mouth.

“Why’d you say ‘holy shit’?” he asked. The honest answer was on the tip of your tongue, but you weren’t sure how to word it in a way that didn’t seem insensitive. He would have known his scars were there, he didn’t need you bringing attention to them. Was he probing you, daring to see if you’d mention them? The last thing you wanted was to offend him.

“Sorry, I just … your scars.” You fiddled with your fingers, the interaction reminding you of a child being scolded by a parent. He had only asked you a question, but you felt like you had done something wrong.

“You can see them?” When he was a little braver, a little less jaded from trying to find you, he would often find himself shirtless, just to see if he got a reaction. He was never given one. There were no gasps, no whispering amongst friends, no asking if he was okay – never before had someone seen his scars. He was sure that, much like his wings, they were reserved for his soulmate’s eyes only.

“How can I not?”

“Only my soulmate can see them.” The words, once you had truly taken them in, prompted you to roll down your sleeve and check your wrist. After the past year of endless worry, you were relieved to find that there was, indeed, a tattoo. It was small, and you instantly identified it as a halo. Jeonghan looked down at his own wrist, the tattoo no longer faded. Instead, it looked brand new. “Thank God I found you again.”

“Again?” This wasn’t exactly how you thought you’d feel upon discovering your soulmate. The relief was to be expected, but you never imagined being so confused. It had been easy for everyone else – they found their soulmate and did all the nauseatingly cute things that soulmates did. This, you could tell, wasn’t going to be easy. You were missing something. Jeonghan’s face fell at your question, his eyes widening as if he’d done something wrong.

“I shouldn’t have said that, sorry.” Here came the heartbreak, as it did in every lifetime that you didn’t remember. “I’m supposed to wait and see if you remember.”

“Remember what?”

“We’ve done this many times before.” Jeonghan sighed. It never occurred to you until now that he was still shirtless. You wondered if he was cold. “You’ve heard of those people who get angels for soulmates, right? The angel follows them throughout all their lifetimes, hoping they remember all the lives they’ve shared together. What a sad existence, right?” Jeonghan chuckled, though the humour didn’t reach his eyes. It was a lifeless laugh.

Of course you’d heard of the myth, but that’s all it was to you. You didn’t think it was plausible that someone was given an angel for a soulmate, nor had you met anyone with such a fate.

“None of this makes any sense.” You blinked.

“It probably isn’t going to.” If there was anything that made you inclined to believe him, it was the weariness in his voice. “Since we’re soulmates, would you like my number, at least?”

You dreamt about Jeonghan that night.

He was driving aimlessly down the road. It was empty in a liberating sense, with everyone at home for Christmas Eve. It was just the two of you, comfortable in each other’s presence. The other cars you passed seemed to be controlled by people in their own personal battle against time, speeding down the road to get home before the clock struck midnight.

Your only source of light came from the street lamps, their orbs blending in to each other as you zoomed by. The wind caressed you, its touch icy in the December night. You admired Jeonghan’s wings, the tips of them fluttering ever so slightly in the breeze. They were the most beautiful thing you’d ever laid your eyes upon.

When the face of your watch showed midnight, you tucked a piece of hair behind Jeonghan’s ear and kissed his cheek, wishing him a Merry Christmas.

Jeonghan tapped his fingers on the café table, waiting for you to arrive. Your text came in the middle of the night, which didn’t surprise him, for you had never been a particularly great sleeper. When you eventually arrived, you made a beeline for him. You had a lot to get out, and you didn’t know where to start. So, you just let the words fall out.

“I had a dream. It was me and you, driving down the road on Christmas Eve, and I was feeding you sweets. It wasn’t much but,” you sighed. “It just, it felt so real.” Jeonghan remembered that night. You didn’t want to spend that much time around your family, you much preferred to be with him. That version of you had been the most rebellious of all, and he was the calming presence you needed. “That’s because it was real, wasn’t it? I snuck out the house, and I asked you to pick me up.” Jeonghan’s eyes widened immediately, his lips parting in shock.

“Do you really remember?”

“Your wings, Jeonghan. They were so beautiful.” Jeonghan looked down, swirling his spoon around in his coffee. When he looked up, tears glistened over your eyes. That was a sight he always hated. “You lost them because of me, didn’t you?” Those particular memories were still hazy, but they were there. The way you felt when it happened was the same feeling you got when you saw the scars on his back, the way your stomach dropped wasn’t because of how painful they looked – it was because you knew. Jeonghan waved his hand, shaking his head.

“I won’t let you keep blaming yourself in this life too.” He reached over and wiped an escaped tear with his thumb. “I’m just happy you remember.” You brought your hand up to his wrist, keeping his hand on your face. You looked into his eyes, the eyes you had stared in to for centuries now, and you were at peace. Jeonghan brought your face towards his, locking your lips together, and it was like fireworks went off within you. He had been waiting for this moment for so, so long, and you felt it in the way he kissed you.

“I’m sorry for ever forgetting.”

Neither of you were prepared to let the other go again.

#seventeen #seventeen scenarios #seventeen scenario #jeonghan #jeonghan scenario #jeonghan scenarios #yoon jeonghan #pls ... for the love of god pls just post

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moodswingsabz · 7 years ago

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MOOD SWINGS: Was I a better person on anti-depressants?

If you follow my social media, my podcast, my recently founded YouTube channel or anywhere else that I spray out my mental health muck, you will know I fairly recently stopped taking anti-depressants after around 18 months on them. Now, after a few weeks I’m going to take a look back on how this has affected me and how I have perceived the way it has perhaps affected those around me. It does strike me as a little odd and funny, these are things I have sat thought about for a long, long time and I still really don’t have that many answers: these things roll around a mind that I can’t quite figure out. Right, enough of that, it’s making the head I’m talking/thinking about hurt. To understand why I came off my medication, I suppose I will need to first explain how I came to be on it. I have suffered from various mental health issues from a young age, chiefly a depression which has spanned most of my life within memory (sorry I’m not trying to be a total buzz kill here) and has, over time, spawned an often over-bearing anxiety. For most of my life I have dealt with these things on my own, both healthily and unhealthily (mostly the latter) but I’ve talked about all this before so I won’t bore you (again) with the details. It’s just important to know I came to a point where I felt I could no longer cope at all by myself, at which point I saw a doctor and ended up on medication. I took the pills for a few months and felt their impact very quickly and in fairness to them, they did their job quite well. They made me feel much more balanced and out-going and I do remember one occasion, feeling a massive pang of both happiness and sadness: relief and joy that I finally felt this way but a sadness and disappointment within myself that it had taken pills to get me there. I am not in any way suggesting that there is any shame in taking medication for your mental health, but if you’ve been there and you know, then you know. I slowly came off them, I felt better within myself again and then, one horrendous work-related incident I can’t discuss later, I was back to being unable to cope again and back on the pills. It was almost like reuniting with a scorned lover; I hurriedly welcomed them back and promised never to leave them again, realising I was nothing without them. OK, maybe that’s a little dramatic, but you get the idea. Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago then, when I was considering coming off the medication. There were several reasons. Let’s start with the one I’m least proud of. After a lot of frustration at not losing any weight I did my research and discovered that the type of medicine I was taking could be responsible for weight gain or difficulty losing weight. I don’t think your weight is a good reason to stop taking ANY medication that you need to take for your health, mental or otherwise, but at this point being worried and frustrated about my weight was adding to my mental woes. The second, and probably primary reason was that I was still feeling low and anxious a lot and I wondered whether the medication was really still working for me or had I become too accustomed to it? Or worse, was it working against me? Was this medication now actually causing these unwanted feelings, as it seems, is sometimes the case with these medications. It seemed like the only way to truly know what was me and my mind (and gut) as opposed to what was a side effect of the medicine, was to come off it. So I did. It’s been a few weeks now. How do I feel about it? Well it’s certainly been an adjustment. It’s also been tough, but not quite in the way I expected. In a huge way, I feel a massive sense of relief at being off the pills. This isn’t because I was in any way ashamed or had any sense of guilt over taking them, not at all, it just feels good to be off them and I can’t quite explain it. It just does. Unfortunately, but completely expectedly, I’m in no way ‘cured’. I still have lows, I still get anxious (although I have had no full blown panic attacks since coming off) and I have noticed some changes. My levels of empathy and cynicism seem to have become a little more divergent, I’m a little quicker to anger, I find it easier to just sit and stare and wonder how things ended up the way they are; all things I experienced whilst I was on medication, but they do seem slightly less dulled now. But so do some other things, in good times I feel a little calmer, it’s comforting knowing that’s how I feel and it’s not a tiny wee pill pushing my buttons and telling me my mates are funny, they genuinely are. Well, some of them. The big question I’ve found myself asking however is: was I a better person on anti-depressants? As I said, I feel I am now more prone to mood swings (waaaayyyy) and can at times be a more cynical, angry, tetchy and occasionally nasty person if pushed in that direction. If I can’t reign those feelings back in, is it my responsibility to go back on anti-depressants? Have I really become a worse person to be around without chemicals balancing my moods? - is essentially what it comes down to. I still feel myself, at times, overwhelmed with empathy and love for people around me and can feel my heart swell with those emotions but then again, I also feel myself ready to scream at anyone who I feel has asked a stupid question. So that’s it, whilst I’ve answered one question about anti-depressants and my brain, that they were indeed numbing both some of my positive and negative feelings, it has posed another question for me: ‘was i a better person on anti-depressants?’. And overall, there is that question which I believe is intrinsic with all mental health issues, overarching, overbearing and wrenching inside you: ‘how much of this is really me and how much is all in my head?’. Thanks for reading. I hardly ever proof read. Sorry for any mistakes made. Please get in touch with your own stories of your experiences with mental health and/or anti-depressants. Let’s open the conversation up. Twitter: @365aberdeen Instagram: @moodswingsabz www.facebook.com/365aberdeen

#mood swings #365aberdeen #mental health awareness #mentalhealth #anti depressants #depression #anxiety

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allenmendezsr · 4 years ago

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paulbenedictblog · 4 years ago

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New Post has been published on %http://paulbenedictsgeneralstore.com%

Usa today The United States is calling dibs

Usa today

Alex Connor, USA TODAY Published 6: 08 p.m. ET Might well additionally honest 21, 2020 | Updated 6: 21 p.m. ET Might well additionally honest 21, 2020

The usa pledged to pay as mighty as $1.2 billion to fetch first fetch accurate of entry to to an experimental COVID-19 vaccine. There's one more flip within the college admissions scandal. And is it already Memorial Day weekend?

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But first, read the Short Checklist it shall be wanted to. "The Empire Strikes Serve" premiered 40 years ago right now time, and Mark Hamill is sharing outlandish "Star Wars" photos.

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Michigan has loads occurring appropriate now

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Usa today Genuine rapidly

"We would resolve to fetch in there": Neatly being officers are pissed off as more than 30 Amazon workers contract COVID-19.

Restaurants take to the streets to carry out socially distanced dining rooms because the nation reopens.

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Usa today A swap of plea

After declaring their innocence for more than a year, actress Lori Loughlin and her dressmaker husband, Mossimo Giannulli, agreed to plead guilty to conspiracy costs within the nationwide college admissions scandal. Loughlin and Giannulli are accused of paying $500,000 in bribes to fetch their two daughters popular into the College of Southern California as spurious crew recruits. They would possibly well change into the 33rd and 34th defendants to plead guilty out of 53 charged within the sprawling "Varsity Blues" scandal.

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About 2.4 million People filed preliminary unemployment income claims final week, as layoffs fueled by the coronavirus pandemic proceed to mount. Nonetheless, there had been encouraging signs within the labor file. Preliminary purposes for unemployment insurance have confidence steadily declined seven weeks in a row. The tens of millions of Individuals who have confidence applied for assistance over two months is restful a staggering number, reflecting a 14.7% jobless payment that is the very supreme for the reason that Large Miserable.

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Usa today What everyone’s talking about

A shooter became once killed shut to Naval Air Assign Corpus Christi in Texas in a "terrorism-related" incident, officers deliver.

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Usa today Rain, rain walk away

An “extremely energetic" storm season amid the pandemic? No, thank you. The National Oceanic Atmospheric Administration on Thursday estimated 13 to 19 named storms will invent this season. Of the anticipated six to 10 hurricanes, three to six would possibly well well well likely be valuable – packing wind speeds of 111 mph or elevated. If predictions resolve aesthetic, it'd be a story fifth consecutive year of above-customary inform. That would possibly well well well beat the four-year hotfoot notify from 1998 to 2001. Forecasts consist of storms that hump up within the Atlantic Ocean, the Caribbean Sea and Gulf of Mexico.

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Read or Section this story: https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/2020/05/21/coronavirus-vaccine-michigan-flooding-ford-unemployment-thursdays-news/5183311002/

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mammahealth · 7 years ago

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Teething And Your Baby: Symptoms And Remedies

Teething. That word alone can literally make any mum cry.

It is not an easy time to go through with your baby. But it is inevitable and all we can do is to make it as pleasant as possible. It is also a big relationship test filled with sleepless nights, household chaos and baby tantrums. But also a huge relief when it is all through and over. That’s a lot of emotions to endure as a mom, right? Exactly that and one long roller coaster. Teething is a hot topic among parents of infants up to 2 to 3 years (sometimes older).

The teething period is usually a very painful stage of the life of a baby. Thankfully, the key symptoms will help you to spot the start of teething. You will have enough time to prepare for it and help your baby with one of the simple natural remedies.

With your baby coming, it is a good idea to start thinking what you need, and what you already have so you are fully prepared when your little one needs you most.

Beware: When your baby first starts making a fuss or looks slightly pink around the cheeks, everyone will assume that teething is the problem. You will receive friendly advice on various methods to tackle the issue. Unsurprisingly, this barrage of information is not always a great help. Not every whinge or cry is the hint of teething. Likewise, not every remedy is automatically suitable.

THE PROCESS OF TEETHING

The teething itself starts with the tooth emerging through the gums. The process ends with the tooth “cutting through” the gums. This referred to as “eruption”. The whole process takes a couple of months and sometimes up to a year for the teeth to appear. The tooth doesn’t miraculously show up one day as I thought it would. Some of you might now be thinking “that’s a given if you read up on it”, but not every mom does! I was one of them and with my first child, I had no idea whatsoever what to expect!

The teething eruption generally happens in the following order. It is just a general timeline sourced from American Dental Association that is in no way set in stone as every child is different.

Teething diagram with typical ages

WHEN DO BABIES START TEETHING

The usual age for a baby to get her or his first tooth is six months. The age of 4 months is early and on the other end of the scale, there are children who got first tooth at 15 months! If your baby is on the later side do not take it as an indication that there is a problem with the overall development of the child.

Around 3 months of age, parents tend to mistake a baby’s drooling and chewing on a fist as the first sign of teething. These are just typical actions for babies at this age. Not necessarily signs that the first tooth is coming in.

Is it normal that my baby doesn’t have teeth yet?

Please consult with your child’s doctor in case your baby’s first tooth hasn’t come in by the 12 months mark. Certain tests are to be performed to rule out medical problems. X-rays will be done to make sure teeth are in place underneath the baby’s gums. Generally, first dental check-up should happen by first birthday – Regardless of when your baby’s teething process starts.

My daughter was one of the late teethers. She started the teething process around 6 months of age. Finally, her first tooth cut through just three weeks shy of her first birthday. I was so ecstatic because she had her 1st tooth showing in her 1st birthday photos!

When she was 18 months she has had already 8 teeth so far with her first set of molars cutting through. The whole teething process is not easy- especially the molars are tough. My nights were spent waking up every two hours to nurse her like a newborn. Also, she was always to throw random tantrums.

Before I had her, I honestly thought that this whole teething business was just a very convenient way for parents to excuse their children’s behavior. Oh boy, how wrong I was…

Around 6 months, my daughter would suddenly start wailing for seemingly no reason. It took a lot of effort, but I was always able to calm her.

When she was around 9 months old, she began to have colossal outbursts of screaming and crying. She was so short-tempered and unhappy. It was then I realized that teething is not just an excuse. It was just so REAL!

She turned into a teething monster! She was a drooling machine. She was constantly trying to get an anything around to chew on – especially my fingers! I discovered that cold things were a huge relief for her. I tried numerous teething treats and what worked best was: frozen fruit popsicles and silicone teethers.

BE PREPARED: TEETHING SYMPTOMS

The process of a child’s teeth growing through is a perfectly normal part of your baby’s development.

The usual symptoms of teething (although in the beginning, it may be misleading) associated with teething include:

Drooling – This is one of the first signs and usually starts around 3-6 months. You will see lots of drool coming out of the baby’s mouth.

Biting – Baby puts fingers and fists in the mouth. She tries to bite and chew on anything in sight.

Gum rubbing – Baby is rubbing her gums with hand or various items. It eases her discomfort.

Lack of sleep – baby is waking up crying or just moving around in the sleep in as a result of discomfort. The normal sleep routine is disrupted thanks to teething including the difficulty of getting to sleep. Baby is inevitably cranky because of the pain and lack of sleep.

Facial Rash – The excess drool irritates the sensitive skin around the mouth.

Food Aversions – Depending on whether the baby has started solids or not, you might notice they don’t have much of an appetite or don’t want to eat things they previously liked. Also, most nursing babies would prefer to nurse which is comforting or prefer to eat food items that help soothe their gums.

Other baby teething symptoms might include food aversion, fever, diarrhea (often with accompanying diaper rash) or ear pain.

REMEDIES THAT WILL HELP YOU SOOTHE YOUR TEETHING BABY

Here’s my top list of teething solutions that have always saved our day. I recommend having several of these things ready on hand because you never know when teething pain (and subsequent bad mood or tantrum) will strike. I’ve tested them all on both my babies. The results were pretty much similar with each child.

There are exceptions to the rule, however. If your mama instinct is telling you that something isn’t right – go see your doctor!

Here are a number of tried-and-tested solutions and remedies. See which ones work for you and your baby:

GIVE YOUR BABY SOMETHING COLD TO CHEW ON

Give baby cold or frozen slices of banana, mango, cucumber, watermelon, and so on to munch on. When our babies were getting their very first teeth, we gave them mesh baby feeders with cold or frozen fruit in them. There are so many different kinds on the market these days – next time I might get one with a cap.

Mesh food feeders

But what do you put into the teething mesh feeder? Banana is especially beneficial, as it also helps to reduce diarrhea, which is a typical side effect when the baby is teething.

There are tons of other options, however. You can try a few of them until you find what works out best for your baby. Great foods for putting in a teething feeder include:

pureed melon

raw apple or pear

frozen blueberries or strawberries

frozen peaches or nectarines

pieces raw carrot (fresh or frozen)

crushed ice or frozen breast milk

Frozen popsicle. The choice is wide: breast milk, water or herbal tea placed in a little popsicle and left in the freezer until solid.

You can also make fruit popsicles. Freeze your baby’s favourite fruit puree alone or mix it with yogurt.

The ancient trick – using a cold item and pressure to relieve baby’s hurting gums is still a brilliant cure. You can use many safe objects that can be frozen. When the baby chews on them and the cold helps to numb the affected area. The pressure is relaxing for irritated gums.

Teething popsicles

For example, try the washcloth trick. Dip a piece of clean fabric in water or chamomile tea and put it in the freezer for a couple of hours. Chamomile tea has the added bonus of helping to soothe and relax baby.

Have baby wear an amber teething necklace. The real amber is considered a natural painkiller. It is a great alternative to over-the-counter medicines. How it works? When worn on the skin, baby’s body heat triggers the Baltic amber to release an oil containing succinic acid. Many parents swear by its anti-inflammatory qualities. Yes, the scientific evidence is lacking for now … but there are just too many encouraging stories to ignore the helpfulness of Baltic amber.

Genuine Baltic Amber is known to contain succinic acid. Succinic acid is essentially a natural analgesic (painkiller). This means that the genuine Baltic beads act as a natural alternative to relieve teething pain in babies thanks to its anti-inflammatory properties.

Tip: Be sure to remove the necklace from the neck before your baby goes to sleep. You can double wrap it around a wrist or ankle instead. Also, do your research before you buy – to be sure that you get a real one. There are many fakes on the market. Buy from a reputable shop and always read the reviews.

WOODEN AND SILICONE TEETHERS

Something to chew on is usually all your baby really needs to get through the pain of teething. I don’t know what it is about the wooden objects, but my second baby is drawn to them. He loved his wooden building blocks. Later we actually found some great wooden teethers and chew rings. One of the all-time favourites was proven this wooden kangaroo teether. It is made of unfinished wood. When shopping for one, please make sure that it meets the health standards. You certainly don’t want any harmful chemicals around your baby.

Wooden kangaroo teether

There are lots of options for silicone teething toys that are also safe and non-toxic. These teethers are a great way to stop the finger chewing and excessive drooling. It seems the silicone is the perfect material – it is soft but durable at the same time. We started trying different teething options, hoping to avoid a finger sucking habit and to provide much needed teething relief.

We tried the famous Sophie the Giraffe, but for one reason or another, my babies’ interest in it fizzled out rather quickly. Lucky there are so many teething toys out there, it wasn’t hard to find a few good replacements that are still being drooled on – even after 6 months of use. These are our favorites:

Silicone teething unicorns

I wish I had these two with my first baby. The silicone teething mitten and the bandana bib.

Silicone teething mitten

The bandanna bib with a silicone tip.

TEETHING NECKLACE FOR MOM

This is another great option. These necklaces are made of silicone and are great for baby to use while sitting in mom’s lap or in a baby carrier. They also act as something to fiddle with for baby while she nurses, which is quite the relief when you have a fiddle-happy baby!

Teething necklace for Mom

HERBAL REMEDIES FOR TEETHING

Herbal remedies are here since hundreds of years ago. They help to ease baby’s teething pain and heaps of other illnesses. Here are some of them:

Chamomile – The most popular remedy for teething ailments. It relaxes the gums and soothes irritability.

Rosehip – Full of antioxidants and vitamin C. Rosehip tea is also the immune-system booster. In addition, rosehip contains anti-inflammatory properties.

Catnip – Calm moody babies and help them rest.

Clove – Clove is a natural anaesthetic. It works great to relieve pain (similar effects as benzocaine).

Any of these herbs can be made into a tea, which can be used to dampen wash clothes before freezing. You can also give the tea to baby as a beverage, or rub it directly on the gums. To make a tea, boil water and steep 1 tsp of herbs in 10 oz, of water for 6–7 minutes.

You can also make an herbal infusion that can be rubbed directly onto the gums. In a small saucepan, place your herbs and cover with olive oil. Simmer on low for 4–6 hours. Strain and store in the refrigerator. Dab some oil onto baby’s gums as needed.

TEETHING GEL

I’m also wary of using teething gels because they contain things like Vaseline, alcohol, and Benzocaine. In general, not exactly the things I like to put in my baby’s mouth. But if all else fails, I like having this joker up my sleeve.

BONUS: BABIES LOVE A CLEAN FINGER TO CHEW ON. This is probably the oldest method to ease the discomfort of your baby. Give your thumb to your baby if you have no other mean to soothe her. The pressure of the gums on your finger helps relieve the pain of the tooth through the gum. It is also a great way to bond with your baby.

The post Teething And Your Baby: Symptoms And Remedies appeared first on Mamma Health.

from Mamma Health https://mammahealth.com/teething-baby-symptoms-remedies/

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birdiefae · 5 years ago

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( elle fanning, 20, she/her ) class is in session for BIRDIE TAYLOR. according to the files, they’re a FAIRY currently working as an ASSISTANT LIBRARIAN and they’ve been at the academy for SIX MONTHS. the psychological report says they are TIMID and NAIVE, but they’re also SWEET and EARNEST. we wish them good luck in the new school year.

Hi, I’m Cat, and this is a lil’ introduction to my dear Birdie.

Birdie was a changeling; she was switched at birth with a human baby, though she didn’t know it. This is partly due to a magical glamor hiding her wings and other fairy-elements, parts of which are still in place today. She accidentally manifested light magic when she was eight, and her non-biological parents, the Taylors, thought she was a demon and tried to have her exorcized.

Spoiler alert: it didn’t do a darn thing, and she was still as much a fairy as ever, though she didn’t know it. But the experience essentially brainwashed her into believing that she was a normal human and that anything strange she might notice or be able to do was wrong and evil-- so if any magical episodes did happen, she kept them to herself, for fear that her parents would be disappointed and/or try to lock her away.

She continued through primary school and high school like any other human, keeping all odd occurrences under wraps, worrying about them all the while. Her school was a private religious one, and between that and her strict parents, she very much kept to the rules and kept to herself. She never had many close friends for fear that they would sense something was off about her.

It’s only when she went off to college at 18 that she met someone on campus who was a fellow fairy and could tell what Birdie truly was. They took her to Avalon for the first time and explained that she’s not insane, and she’s not demonic-- she’s simply a fairy.

It was somewhat of a relief but also incredibly confusing. As a result, she had a tiny existential crisis and dropped out of college. A couple fairies she’d met suggested she try to find a position working somewhere where she can get used to the idea of being supernatural, which is how she ended up at Arcanas. She’s still too terrified to contact her parents about what she discovered, because she know she’s no good at lying, so to them, she just dropped off the face of the planet.

Birdie is quite skittish and shy, and she has a slight stutter when she gets nervous. However, she’s genuinely sweet at heart and really wants to find out more about the supernatural world so she can feel more comfortable in her skin for once in her life, despite the fact that the whole idea of magic still scares her a bit.

A couple of possible connections are listed below:

Others who live in the staff dorms and can take Birdie under their wing

Someone her age who needs a good, empathetic listener

Fairies who can teach her about being a fairy

Students who take advantage of her staff status to get into places they shouldn’t, since she’s pretty wide-eyed and easily manipulated

Students who befriend her despite the fact that she’s not a student

Someone she can have a crush on (of any gender-- she’s bisexual though very in the closet)

Anyone who influences her to be more bold or daring or social

Anyone who stops by the library a lot, either for books or for chats

????

I don’t use discord, but if anyone wants to plot through tumblr, I’ll be on mobile off and on throughout the day, so shoot me a tumblr dm xx

#arcanas:intro #+ birdie +#tw gaslighting

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the99thchapter · 4 years ago

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the following are entries from my lunadiary.

2018.12.24 p.m. 01:54 - the last week of 2018 x - let the past be bygone they say, little did you know, the sufferings and obstacles i had faced, To be where i am today never forget your struggles because they're a reminder for every hardship

2018.12.27 p.m. 08:34 the luxury of happiness x - to feel happy is a luxury because not everyday is filled with joy So If i get to feel happy for every one second I'll be grateful i don't want to feel nothing Forever

2019.01.17 p.m. 05:06 Tbh - Hypothetically speaking, i don't know if I'm passing my stats and cma paper. I didn't revise in depth and I'm just guessing answers. Reminder to myself that if i failed, it was because i wasn't being hardworking enough. I was being complacent. I deserved this.

2019.04.01 p.m. 11:15 what happens next? - howto: cope with a broken friendship are there any cures for it? Guidebooks, therapy or prayers?I lost a friend because of my actions. Came to realization that I'm always hurting others. I know how it feels like, and I'm doing it to the people i love. I am the worst.

2019.04.11 p.m. 05:38 My parents. - My mom thinks I'm here to ruin her life. Look, I'm not trying to make anyone cry or get hurt. But it always come back to the fact that i cause great pain to the people around me indirectly. I made my family cry. I made a friend cry. I make myself cry. It's like i am this terrible person who's causing so much pain to others. I don't get better. I get worse.

I know my mom has been looking at me like I'm a monster for a while now. Years. She doesn't say it but i can tell. I'm no longer treated like a child, i get scolded like a stranger and I'm not worth of importance anymore. I think this is the universe way of telling me that I'm on my own and i should just deal with it. My dad wants to get closer to me but i push him away repeatedly. I'm a mean person but getting closer means opening up walls and i don't intend to do that. After having broke a parent, this parent should stay away from me. I hurt people so he shouldn't have to deal with me. He's a great dad but he's unlucky to have me.

My parents are great people and they've been through a lot. My existence is nothing but a nuisance since the beginning. Please, universe. Do them a favour and do myself a favour. Get rid of me. Help them. Save them. That's all I'm asking.

2019.04.23 p.m. 10:59 Plus one - all i ask for is a man who has a good heart. Someone who is polite in words and actions. not necessarily pious but does his five daily prayers without fail. Able to guide me on the correct path and be my jodoh in jannah. protect me from the evil and love me for who i am. Respects my family as a whole and accepts us for who we are.

2019.05.09 p.m. 02:03 day 4 - Ya Rabb, i ask that you strengthen my iman. Encourage my heart to perform the five daily salahs and to dzhikir a lot. In this holy month i want nothing but truly your blessings. Taufiq hidayah. Rahmatilah kami semua, terimalah segala ibadah and amalan kami. I'm striving to become a better muslim in the eyes of no one else but Allah SWT. The most gracious, the most merciful.

2019.07.08 a.m. 09:38 What is wrong with me? - These words are haunting me at night. Every time i close my eyes, i hear it. "Why are you like that?" "You're not good enough" "The world doesn't need you" "Stop being useless to us." "You're a bad person." Hey, Reality check, i am indeed what these statements truly meant. I know for a fact that no one actually likes me. I radiate bad vibes negativity. People pretend to like me. My personality's kinda fake. Is this why no one wants to stick by me? Is that why the friends that i have now are only pitying me? What do i lack? How can i be a better version of myself? What is wrong with me?

2019.08.01 a.m. 11:31 the first of august - D-23 to my birthday! To an age that society defines as a brand new decade! My 20's will be the coolest. I can't wait to get my first full time job, to graduate with my diploma, to hop on an airplane, to travel to cities, discover the world, meet people, find love and connection, try new adventures and to simply help the needy.

2019.08.26 p.m. 02:18 - today i had my last exam for 2.1. the end of a semester. right now I'm sitting i’m the mrt. On my way to bugis. To buy film. But all i can think about is Will today be the day? What if right now is the moment?

No current commitments. No plans. Just myself. I'm thinking about how in the midst of being surrounded by work to do, i have no time for myself. To recharge, to check in and ask if I'm truly okay..Because I'm not. I really am pushing or suppressing emotions. I'm not allowing myself to let go. No anxiety attacks lately. Am i getting better? Or is this just my mind playing tricks?

2019.10.01 p.m. 10:57 cbtl - I have work at 8 am which I've decided not to turn up for because i think it doesn't matter if I'm there or not..i love the nature of this new job and the learning outcomes from it but it's been 3 weeks and it's tough. i get that it requires the ability to be quick and precise but i just cant you know? With this particular mgr breathing down my neck every single time, i feel so tensed?? i know the reality is that not every job will be easy but i don't think this barista thingy will work out for me :( and I'm not deciding to ditch work just bc i can't handle things, but I'm tired from getting belittled for minor tiny ass mistakes i do. Why do people find the need to raise their voice and speak in a degrading manner while pointing out my mistakes which are so frickin small in front of others? To train me to be vigilant next time? Is it working? Yes. But did it hurt my self esteem? Totally. You saw my igstory lately... the one about smacking my face? It still upsets me :( I wasn't rude or anything i was honestly in a confused position. Because i genuinely did not know the exact ingredients to make iced latte (i wasn't taught yet) and the same mgr thinks i do even after telling her i dont!! I asked her if it's made from iced water base but she kept emphasising the word 'ICED LATTE' indicting that i was dumb and she got fed up and said it's milk based + I'll smack your face..rude. She could have told me. The thing about me is that i remember lists really well so if she'd told me at the beginning we could have avoided this moment that ruined my day and hurt my feelings. I know it was my fault for not practicing much last week so that's why when i was asked to make hot espresso drinks it caught me off guard. I told the same mgr that i did not have much opportunity to do so bc the other workers mostly made the drinks and she still belittled me. Also i had to make this drink called Hot Vanilla which is similar to Hot Chocolate and i remember DISTINCTIVELY that one of my colleagues taught me to use cold milk as base so i did the same thing and one of the other colleagues saw and again... in a loud degrading manner pointed out my mistake and proceeded to say things like "YOU ASK AND ASK SO MANY THINGS THEN DON'T BOTHER REMEMBERING SO U ASK FOR WHAT" in a really mean tone... that was uncalled for. i had to choke up my emotions and reply an apology in a joking manner like i always do bc idw to cry.

2019.12.18 p.m. 09:39 the decade in recap - 2009-2019 i was 10 years old then but I'm 20 years old today. I really grew up uh? I went through so many things. I did them. I became who i am today.

2020.01.21 a.m. 08:45 three weeks into the new year and I'm already over it - year, please be nice to me. I've cried way too much. I don't want to be sad all the time. I want to feel like myself again. It's been years...that for some reason happiness and a good life can't work hand in hand for me.

2020.01.23 p.m. 08:57 work hard and work smart? - I studied only two days prior. But in those last two days i put in a lot effort. I sacrificed sleep, my health, hygiene and everything into utilizing every second to absorb as much studying as i can. I convinced myself that i can do it. I can make things work. But did it? I took my tax paper and did mistakes...obvious unforgivable mistakes that i actually practiced so hard on but still did it. I took my finance paper and my mind decided to omit the one information that i needed to answer that question even though I've memorized it repeatedly in my mind beforehand. It's really times like this where i truly am disappointed with myself. I could have done better had i put in more effort. I could have aced it if i did my preparation early. I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling like I'm not as good as my peers. This whole week was so tiring for me. I was alone and realized that i am ALONE alone. My friends? They don't even care about me unless i took initiative to approach them. It's been suffocating lately, trying to take in all the crap that I've been getting. I'm so tired of crying. I don't even want to feel happy anymore. What's the point....

2020.02.19 p.m. 01:06 1 down, 4 more to go - auditing.... you're not my cup of tea. I'll admit it. in the beginning i didn't understand what was going on. but after literally crash coursing on the whole module this past week, i can say i still don't get it. But nevertheless i think i did ok for the paper. Idk. I thought I'd failed my mst only to be surprised by the score. So maybe the universe will work the same way this time. Or not.

So today i will be going on a full-blown revision marathon for my three papers next week. I'm pinning my hopes on getting at least B+/A for FOT and FOI. IF? we'll strive to get one level about the bare minimum.

I hope this semester sees an improvement in gpa or maintenance of my current one. Would really break my heart to see it plunge down. To future me, we'll be okay. If we're not, don't beat yourself to it. While the whole "grades don't define you" advice does give a sense of relief, it means shit. Grades matter... At least for university.

Remember that one day we'll get a degree. Failure isn't forever.

2020.05.30 a.m. 04:37 Why i don't ask about my jodoh in prayers - while i do romanticize love based on fiction and the amount of love series i watch, i don't necessarily crave for it. I used to, but i don't. One reason could be that i am not surrounded by many malay guys and two, i am not in a position to be able to experience it. It's both. I don't try and I'll not try.

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theconservativebrief · 6 years ago

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The world of foster care has been given a wonderful gift in the new movie Instant Family. It does a better job covering what to expect as a foster parent than any of the material my husband and I encountered during our own licensing process five years ago. Instead of having prospective caregivers go through their own orientation process, state agencies should just hold regular screenings of the film.

Instant Family, starring Mark Wahlberg and Rose Byrne, follows Pete and Ellie, a childless couple who decide to start a family by adopting children through foster care. After meeting a teenage girl at a picnic designed to allow prospective parents to meet foster children, they pursue becoming her parents. When they learn that she has a younger brother and sister, the couple, who are white, agree to take all three children, who are Hispanic. Overnight, a transracial family of five is born.

Our own foster care journey began much the same way. Before we were married, my husband and I had already decided that we planned to be a foster family. I had read some stories in the news, years before, about children who were abused in foster care, and I decided that rather than add more children to the population, I wanted to be a mother to children in foster care — whether or not I ever adopted them.

After two years of marriage, we began the process of becoming licensed, and before our third anniversary, we had our first placement: a “sibling set” of two. Within a year, their mother had given birth to another baby, and he joined our family too. Two years after our older children entered foster care, we adopted them. Nine months after that, we adopted the baby as well.

Unlike the family in the film, we have gone on to continue opening our home to children in foster care. In addition to our three adopted children, there was the premature baby born opiate addicted who was with us for seven weeks; the 11-year-old boy discovered living with a pedophile in a homeless camp in the woods behind a grocery store who was with us for eight days; two brothers who, after spending two years in foster care, had recently been reunified with their mom, only to be returned to foster care a few weeks later; and more than half a dozen other children who have come and gone, each with his or her own unique, yet somehow universal, story.

Having seen the need, and having learned so much about caring for children with trauma in their backgrounds, we plan to continue fostering for many years to come. Being a foster family is our normal. We view it as practicing hospitality — entertaining angels unawares.

It might feel like an unusual family setup. But for us it’s our way of life. So when I saw Instant Family, finally seeing our unconventional lifestyle — the ups and downs, the challenges and triumphs — depicted so accurately on screen felt like a relief. It doesn’t get everything right, but it comes awfully close.

Instant Family captures the magnitude of the challenges of our foster care system without being preachy. We learn that more than 500,000 children are in foster care in the United States, and that older children and teens, despite making up the largest percentage of children in the system, are harder to place than children under 5.

We learn that siblings usually benefit from being placed together in the same home, leading some who think they’re signing up for one child to find themselves welcoming three. Like Pete and Ellie in the film, and many other foster parents we know, that was our experience.

The film quickly delves into the diverse types of people who are foster parents — single, married, gay, straight, brown, white, affluent, lower-income — and the reasons they do it: infertility, being older when they decide to start a family, straight-up altruism, and yes, sadly, “for the paycheck.”

(The government pays foster parents for child care costs. In the state of Washington, where I live, the basic foster care rate for a child age 5 or under is $562 per month, or around $18 per day, and that rate goes up for older children or children with significant behavioral or medical needs.)

I recognized many of the people from our new foster parents orientation in the characters on screen. And while the film does depict at least one stereotypical set of jaded foster parents who are clearly only in it for the money, most of the foster parents I know are more like Pete and Ellie: well-meaning people who genuinely want to make a difference in the lives of children by welcoming them into their family.

The film is self-deprecating in all the right places. From calling out The Blind Side (the 2009 film starring Sandra Bullock that depicts an idealized transracial adoption story and for which Bullock was awarded an Oscar), to an awkward exchange between social worker Karen (Octavia Spencer) and Pete acknowledging the stigma of the “white savior complex,” I found myself nodding in recognition throughout the screening.

Teenage Lizzy, played by Isabela Moner, voices another sentiment common in the transracial adoption world: “You’re just another white lady who wants to adopt charity orphans to make you feel good about yourself!”

When children arrive in a new home, they need time to figure out the rules and expectations in this foreign environment, and they deal with their discomfort in many different ways. Some are cooperative yet guarded, while others lash out or throw tantrums. Either way, the idea of children settling in quickly with “new parents” and accepting their love easily is repeatedly debunked through many scenes, particularly between Lizzy and Ellie.

I confess that, prior to becoming a foster parent, I naively imagined a scenario in which a child who had been removed from an abusive or neglectful home would be relieved to be in a safe environment and would trust our motives and intentions immediately. I could not have been more wrong. Children who have experienced trauma do not trust anyone easily, let alone a stranger whose home is so foreign to them.

Foster parents typically don’t realize this at first. When kids are brought to the home, there is often a “honeymoon period” — during this time, children are often on their best behavior precisely because they do not trust their new caregivers. Only as they begin to be able to predict their day-to-day circumstances a bit and become familiar with their caregivers do they start to let their true feelings show.

The filmmakers, including director Sean Anders — himself an adoptive parent via foster care — depicted this honeymoon period in Instant Family with humor and compassion. Right after their foster kids move in, Pete and Ellie go to a foster parent support meeting and describe their well-behaved new foster children only to be met with laughter by the rest of the foster parents who know the phase will come to an end. Sure enough, the kids begin to act out the longer they are in Pete and Ellie’s home.

With our first foster child, who was 5 at the time we took him in, the honeymoon ended on day six of his placement with us, when he was told “no” and instructed to go to his bedroom for being defiant. He pulled his mattress off his bed, flipped his bed frame over and pulled everything out of his closet, screaming the whole time.

We’ve been through this cycle with many of our foster kids. Trust between a foster child and a foster parent takes time, and, in my experience, weathering the season immediately following the honeymoon period is an important part of how that trust begins to grow. It isn’t easy, but I’ve come to learn that, as children begin to feel safe and as foster parents gain tools for responding to their child’s unique emotional needs, things do get better with time.

Instant Family also delves into a sad reality that many foster parents experience: the resurfacing of a birth parent out of the blue that can stop a family from adopting a foster child. It is vital for prospective foster parents to understand that — except in cases where parents’ rights have already been terminated — children in foster care are intended to be reunified with their parents.

Of the nearly 500,000 children in the US foster care system on any given day, only about one-quarter of them are available for adoption. Most of the remainder of those children have a court-ordered plan of reunification with their parents. Foster parents must understand that their role in that child’s life is to care for them only until they are able to reunite with their parents.

Of course, this is easier said than done. It is nearly impossible to care for a child for six months or several years and not become attached to that child. When they call you “Mom” and you are the one getting them toilet trained, documenting their first tooth lost, throwing their birthday parties, showing up for parent-teacher conferences, comforting them after a bad dream, and administering Band-Aids to their scraped knees, you are profoundly invested in their well-being.

Beyond the challenges, there are also many beautiful moments with children in foster care. Books at bedtime, snuggles in the morning, picnics, dance parties, and introducing them to new experiences are some of my favorite things about foster parenting, let alone taking part in helping children overcome academic and developmental delays and watching them begin to heal and flourish.

Yet more than half of children in foster care will ultimately return home. In the film, Pete and Ellie, eager to adopt their foster kids, must navigate the return of their foster children’s mother when she is released from prison. Suddenly, the possibility that their foster kids will leave their home and reunite with their birth mother is very real.

After two of our children had been in foster care with us for over a year, a new case manager informed us that their mom wanted to start having regular visits with them again. Suddenly, we had to adjust our expectations and get behind the new plan. The complex emotions of wanting so badly to “keep” these children you have grown to love as if they were your own, while at the same time realizing that they have a mom who gave birth to them and loves them too is a terribly hard place to be.

This is the experience of many foster parents I know. But it’s no reason not to do it. As Pete and Ellie grew to love each of the children in their care, they ultimately wanted what we all want for our foster children: whatever is best for them, whether that means adoption or reunification (and our own broken hearts).

Instant Family isn’t perfect. It should have given more screen time to the foster children’s birth mom, Carla, played by Joselin Reyes. Too often, birth parents are overlooked or dismissed by parents looking to foster or adopt. In the film, Carla is described by one of the caseworkers as “a product of the system (who) never learned to properly care for herself or her kids” — a stereotypical drug addict who vanishes from her kids’ lives.

While I recognize the narrative well from my own experience fostering, it is important that birth mothers not be reduced to such two-dimensional caricatures. If I’ve learned anything from getting to know some of the women whose children have been in our care, it is that there is always more to a person than their biggest mistakes or merely being “a product of the system.”

The birth parent is present, in spirit, if not in person, in a foster and adoptive family’s life forever, whether the adoption is open — meaning adoptive parents maintain contact with birth parents — or closed. As the children grow and mature, they will wonder about them and imagine what they are like. Conversations about genes and DNA, among other things, will prompt hard questions that may or may not be possible to answer. My own 5-year-old daughter is grappling with her growing awareness of her life story right now. She talks about her birth mom, whom she has not seen since she was six months old, with increasing frequency.

I maintain that foster care and adoption can be a beautiful thing, and I would not want our family to have been formed any other way. That said, my husband and I often acknowledge that our beautiful family, which is so full of love and joy and laughter, was formed because a woman lost her children, and her children lost their birth mother. Our gain was their loss. That truth is always simmering somewhere under the surface, even as we delight in our children and give ourselves fully to raising them as our own flesh and blood.

Still, the last thing I wrote in my notebook as the credits rolled on Instant Family was, “It rang true.” Anyone interested in getting a primer on the ins and outs of foster care would do well to get themselves to a theater and see the film.

Christy Tennant Krispin is mom to three and foster mom to many. She founded A Fostered Life, an online resource for new and prospective foster parents. Her family lives in Seattle.

First Person is Vox’s home for compelling, provocative narrative essays. Do you have a story to share? Read our submission guidelines, and pitch us at [email protected].

Original Source -> What Mark Wahlberg’s new movie Instant Family gets right and wrong about foster care

via The Conservative Brief

#IFTTT #The Conservative Brief

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