#and genuinely one of my singing goals for 2025 is to be able to sing the challenge well

[afantasyoffiction]

*slides the epic concept album onto your plate the way a cat leaves a dead mouse at your door, as food and protection but also for approval for my hunting skills*

screaming, crying, throwing up, frothing at the mouth and running in circles because i'm not currently obsessed with a piece of media and my creative juices are running dry

[nolovehoweverbrieff]

to the void

watched wicked (2024) & did a deep dive into musicals again the way i did over ten years ago. it feels weird. its like... ok. so memory loss is associated with depression. i'm trying to remember who i was and what i wanted to be and and the things i loved back then. i even have pictures of myself watching anastasia live and i don't remember a single thing! i remember getting boba right before and where i sat with my sister, but nothing else. (which is why i'm glad for bootlegs. "just live in the moment" - sure, but i KNOW i'll forget it ever happened later.)

maybe that's why seeing things say "posted 6-10 years ago" throws me off so much. i barely remember those times and i'm concerned with whether or not i've achieved anything i wanted to back then. have i made my inner child proud? would the me ten years ago be glad i am who i am today? well yes, and no. years of mental illness made it hard for me to do certain things so i'm trying to reach some of my goals now. eg. i saw this quote that goes like this:

and of course this as well:

and i just....... yeah. exactly. and so i've made a list of reachable and realistic goals for 2025 - not just hopes and dreams, but genuine steps i can take, milestones, things like that. i never learned piano, and now i am. i can play two pieces and part of a song so far (hey, it's been two months). i never learned how to sing despite wanting to since first grade. i'm learning now. i didn't used to be able to hit the right notes and now i can! it's slow but steady progress.

the past year especially hit hard, and before that things were well for a couple years, and before that was the pandemic, and before that i was barely medicated, and unmedicated for the rest. it doesn't mean i never grew at all as a person during that time, i did. it just means that i can't compare myself to others who had more advantages than me. (don't compare yourself either way though. people are different.) comparison is the thief of joy and also something i need to constantly remind myself to stop doing.

a big thing that has changed due to the nature of the internet is my art. i used to love digitally drawing. i still do, albeit less, and i still incorporate it into my coding projects. but i don't post them online anymore. too many people can steal them - AI included. and my art is for me and no one else. an audience is secondary. i don't think me ten years ago would have foreseen the current state of the art communities online.

and i wanted to write (for nobody but myself), and i wanted to perform, and i thought i'd be good at violin by now but i didn't expect to quit after having a horrible experience as an early teen. and i didn't expect to have a similar bad haircut that i've cut by myself the same way i did when i was 16, and then again at 19. and i wanted to know french or spanish but then i decided i might as well focus on my family's language since i already knew it (i couldn't speak it well). and now i can speak it well.

i think one reason i enjoy musicals is that a lot of them are still older than me - mid 30s to mid 40s, their ages don't matter as much as long as they can sing and perform. it helps get out of the silly thought that i'm running out of time / falling behind. you know, a lot of media centers around teens and college-age. and i'm past that. somehow i still feel like someone in a coming-of-age film, but instead of them grappling with growing pains, it's me just trying to discover who i am and who i was and who i'll ever be. and how i'm still here. and things change. and life is still worth living.