#and gave myself 48 hours from that point to grind my ass out on this

[loppiopio]

in water, fleas will drown.

[getitinbusan]

The September Session

18+ Jungkook Birthday Smut

The Studio Sessions Finale

A weekend birthday getaway in Jeju with Jungkook. A smut and angst filled finale to the Studio Sessions.

Words: 9075

Warnings: 18+ smut. M/F sex, M/F-F/F oral, unprotected sex, rough sex, swearing, cheating (?) poly relationship

"I don't think you can fit anything else in there. You know you're only going for 2 days right?" Yoongi picked up a pair of your lacy underwear and went for the free throw into your bag. "If I know anything about you and Jungkook, it's that you won't even need clothes."

"Only 2 days? Are you really that unbothered by me leaving?"

"I know how to pick my battles." He undid his zipper and gave you a crooked little smile. "You'll make it up to me."

"Will I now?" It was supposed to sound teasing but your knees were already on the hardwood. Pulling his soft cock out of his jeans, you wrapped your hand around him.

"You're gonna be a good girl and drain my cock before you leave, yeah?"

You tongued his tip as he grew harder twitching in your palm.

"Every last drop." You suctioned him soft and slow not wanting to leave him unfulfilled.

"Fuck, yeah…" his eyes were closed as he pumped himself into your waiting mouth.

Wanting to take it to the bed, you pulled back, but he stopped you by catching your hair. Wrapping his hand securely around it, he held you still and picked up the pace. Granting him full access to your throat, you dropped your drool-covered hands while he used your face to get himself off.

His deep moans and breathy exhales were his tell. His balls bounced off your chin and with the last few aggressive thrusts, he shot his hot load onto your waiting tongue.

"That was good." He tucked himself away into his pants and extended his hand to help you up.

"I've gotta go." He kissed your cheek. "I've got a meeting with that new group in 20 minutes. Have fun okay."

He opened the door and he was gone. No sexual reciprocation, no I love you, just a, "have fun."

It wasn't like him and you were left trying to determine if he was giving you the cold shoulder because he was upset or even worse, if he wasn't upset about you leaving at all.

An abrupt knock on the door broke you out of your thoughts. All worries were forgotten when you opened it to find Jungkook grinning ear to ear.

"Are you ready Noona? The car's gonna be here in 10 minutes."

Grabbing your bag off the bed, he flung it over his shoulder like it was nothing.

"Wouldn't miss it for the world. Have you thought about your birthday wish?"

He pulled you in with his free hand. "You've already made it happen. I can't believe I get you all to myself for 2 days."

You pulled the door shut behind you and kissed him. "I'm all about making birthday wishes come true."

The car rolled up the tarmac where the private plane sat in wait. The red-carpeted stairs extended, greeting you like royalty.

"You booked a private flight?"

His nose scrunched in happiness at your surprise. "Nothing but the best for you." He kissed the back of your hand before leading you up the stairs.

"You know this isn't supposed to be about me right?"

"I may have some ulterior motives." He said as he clicked his seatbelt into place.

"Yeah? Is this a mile-high club mission Jungkook?"

Even though your chairs were face to face and his eyes were hidden behind his bucket hat, his smile said it all.

"Trust the plan Noona."

Shortly after takeoff, the intercom dinged. "You may proceed to move around the cabin freely."

Jungkook unfastened his seatbelt and stood to lean over your seat. Grabbing the side lever, he reclined your chair back and moved in for a passionate kiss that immediately made your toes curl in anticipation.

Humming in delight he broke away and knelt on the floor. His fingers dragged delicately up your skirt. "What am I going to find under here, how well do you know what I like?" Pulling your thighs apart he sucked air through his grinning lips. "No panties. You really do know. "

"It's easy." You felt desperate for the pleasure you knew he was capable of inflicting. "We both always want the same thing."

"And what is it we want, Noona? Hmm, tell me."He was staring, lost in the sight of his fingers toying with your sex.

Reaching out you tipped his chin until his eyes locked with yours. God, you wanted to but couldn't.

You had to stop yourself from telling him that what you really wanted was more than 48 hours. You bit your tongue to keep it from spilling the words, "I want to run away with you and never go back." So instead, you went with what was easy and what you thought he wanted to hear. "I think we want to cum at 32,000 feet."

They must have been the words he was expecting because a devilish grin appeared at your response.

"48 hours," He lifted your foot to rest it on the seat." Of nothing," he lifted the other foot. Sliding his hands behind you, he pulled your hips forward. "but pure," He dropped his head and laid a long languid lick up your cunt.

"Pleasure." You finished the sentence not wanting him to use his mouth for anything else let alone words.

His hum of agreement sent shivers of anticipation down your spine. You gazed at his face intently. He liked when you watched. Splaying you open with his fingers, your engorged pink nub stood begging him for attention. You bit your lip trying to hold your noises in, squirming as he teased it with the tip of his tongue drawing slow circles around it.

You pulled at his long hair and begged, "Stop teasing me Kookie."

His mischievous amber eyes glinted under the cabin's bright lights. "It's an hour-long flight, and I forgot my headphones. You're just going to have to be my entertainment."

You hadn't touched each other in a while, and Yoongi had been too preoccupied with work to even notice you were around. Other than giving his pre-departure blow job you'd had no action in at least a week.

You knew if you whined enough he'd give in. "I can't be patient, when my pussy knows what it's been missing, Jungkook."

"You're spoiled," he mumbled into your cunt.

You tried to sit upright, but he held your hips down and stuck 2 fingers inside you.

"I'm spoiled? The last of the sentence trailed off quickly into soft submission under the strokes of his fingertips on your g spot.

"Is that better?" He took delight in knowing you were instant jello.

"I missed you."

His fingers kept a steady pace as he kissed you. Soft, constant, his tongue lingered, his mouth catching your moans.

"I just want you to feel good. Tell me where you want my mouth."

"Please Jungkook, you know what I want."

"Say it, for me, for my birthday." He was pouting in between kisses. "I just want to know that you want me."

"I want you so fucking bad Jungkook. I want you to suck on my tits and finger me until I cum."

He was grinding his cock against the edge of your seat when the plane started shaking.

"Please fasten your seatbelts. We're going through a patch of thermal turbulence that should only last a few minutes."The voice from the cockpit didn't phase either of you.

His free hand pulled your shirt up and your bra down, exposing your hardened nipples just above the lace cups. Grabbing the seatbelt, he clicked you in and pulled the strap tight. "Safety first," he barely muttered before locking on to your breast.

The plane shook violently, heightening every sensation. His fingers and the jolting of the plane had your pussy dripping down his hand. "Jungkook." Your moans were high and you couldn't care less if anybody heard. You were almost done. Watching him rut his hips against the vibration of the seat, eyes closed, as his mouth latched greedily at your chest was sending you into overdrive. "I'm gonna cum, are you gonna cum for me, baby?"

His face screwed up in pleasure and his moan was long and drawn. Seeing him reach his height, you clenched around his fingers as they continued their assault on your sex until you too were satisfied.

"Shit," he stood up revealing the huge wet spot in his jeans. "I don't have a change of clothes in my carry-on."

Undoing your seatbelt, you leaned forward and untucked his t-shirt making sure to kiss his abs along the way. Well, thank god for baggy shirts."

You tucked the last of your clothes inside the drawer. "So what's the first thing on our birthday weekend to-do list?"

"Well, there's parasailing, scuba diving, jet-skiing…." He kept listing.

"You know we can't do it all right? You're going to have to narrow down your choices a little."

"Aish, come on Noona. I brought you because I thought you could keep up."

You stood between his legs as he sat on the bed. "Is that why you brought me, Jungkook? Because we share an affinity for water sports?"

His hands groped your ass before he pulled you down on top of him.

"Amongst other things," he giggled while tickling you. "Jimin's fun to hang out with but he never puts out."

"Oh my god, Jungkook." You rolled your eyes and stood back up. "If we're going to get even one of those things on your list done we'd better leave now." You extended your hand to help him up. "Let's go."

____________________

You were soaked. Jungkook was taking great delight in the jumps he created by running the jet ski in circles over his own wake. Hanging on to his waist tightly you were surprised he could still breathe.

"Are you okay back there?" He stopped the watercraft to check-in. Do you want me to slow down?"

"Did you hear my safe word?" You took a teasing nip at his bare wet tricep."

"Not yet but I'd really like to."

A hot blush crept up your cheeks. It wasn't like Jungkook to suggest anything wild, and it threw you off.

"Are you asking?" You could see his ears turning red and he took a minute to answer.

"You're just hanging on so tight."

You didn't want him to hold back, so you prompted the response. "And…"

"The thought of me in control and you, a little scared, kind of turns me on."

Pressing your face against the expanse of his wet skin, you wondered if he could feel your smile.

"Do you see that island?"

You pointed. "I want you to take me over there."

"Do you want me to go fast?"

"I think we both want you to go fast."

"Then you should hold on."

As he restarted the jet ski your hands made their way back around him but this time they ended up in his shorts. Sneaking past the mesh liner, your fingers gave a little tug on his thick wet pubic hair. His already semi-hard cock came to life in your hand in anticipation of the attention it was about to receive.

There were no trespassing signs posted all around the small island. "I don't know Jungkook, maybe we should just go back and fuck in the room." You said it, not because you meant it, but because he wanted to play.

He pulled the ski up onto the shore. "You can't just tease me like that and make me wait, Noona. Let's go."

He began trekking into the patch of dense greenery, and you wondered if someone actually lived here.

Stopping just under sufficient cover of vegetation, he grabbed you and pulled your bathing suit bottoms down and pushed you against a nearby tree. "You're driving me crazy in this fucking bikini." He tugged his shorts down and needing no prep thrust himself into you.

The bark was rough against your skin, your back scraping with every upward thrust he pumped into you.

"Hello!" Echoed around you. "This is private property."

"Fuck, Jungkook, let's go!"

"I'm not done." He clamped his hand over your mouth. "Shhh, stop moaning so loud or they'll find us."

"I know you're out here I saw you seadoo on the shore." The voice carried across the island getting closer.

"Wrapping your leg around him, you grabbed his hair and moaned into his sweat-beaded neck. "We're gonna get caught, Kookie."

"Let them watch. I'm not stopping until I fill your cunt."

Your back felt raw, but the pleasure and pain of an adrenaline fuck was worth it.

"Are you afraid of someone seeing us? What happened to my brave girl?"

"Are you hurt, do you need help?"

The snapping sound of a twig breaking under a footstep was close. Too close, but also just enough of a thrill to spur on a hot flood of Jungkook's cum deep inside you.

Just as you got your bottoms back up the old man appeared.

"This is private property, are you looking for something?"

"Sorry," Jungkook turned on his charms." Our intake got clogged with some debris so we pulled over to clear it." He pointed at you, "you know women and their small bladders, she always has to go. She got scared when she heard you so we didn't answer. Sorry."

The old man laughed. "I've been married 4O years I know all too well.

You were surprised at Jungkook's ability to spin a story so quickly but more impressed that he was unflappable in his determination to cum at all cost.

Apologizing to the man once again you walked back to the jet ski.

"Shit are you okay?" He ran his fingertips gently down your back.

You stood on your toes and kissed his lips. "Did you hear my safe word?"

"I did not." He grinned.

"Well, I guess you'll just have to try harder next time."

____________________

His eyes rolled and he hummed in enjoyment. "Umm it's so good, it's like a dessert orgasm."

"I can't believe you're replacing me with chocolate." You pulled a pout. "Don't waste yourself on whipped cream Jungkook, I've got bigger plans for pleasure tonight."

"As much as I want to do unspeakable things to you, I'm not ready to go back to the room." He took the last bite and leaned back in his chair, stretching, completely satisfied. "I thought we could go to this place called Factory. Yugyeom told me it was really cool."

"Sounds fun." You couldn't help but grin at how naive his thinking was.

Licking your finger, you rubbed it through the powdered sugar on his plate and popped it in your mouth. "Silly you think we need a bed for me to get you off."

"You're a crazy woman."

"Crazy for you Jungkook."

The club was dark and crowded. He blended in well. The University students, looking to let loose for the weekend, offered a camouflage of anonymity he wasn't usually afforded in public spaces.

"Whiskey?" He took your hand and led you to the bar. "It's your weekend. I'm letting you call the shots." It was too loud to hear the groan you knew accompanied the eye roll at your bad pun but you were satisfied by his smile.

"To us." He clicked your glass.

The liquor went down smooth and warm, causing welcome tingles through your body. Coupled with the wine you'd had with dinner you'd hit the perfect peak of lowered inhibitions and pure bliss.

"Your glowing Noona." He kissed your forehead.

"And why wouldn't I be Kookie? I'm in paradise with my boyfriend. Come dance with me."

You noted the look of satisfaction on his face as he led you to the floor and wrapped his arms around you tightly. Nuzzling into your neck, he swayed with you slowly to a pace that didn't match the fast music of the club. Whether it was the alcohol or the sheer intoxication of longing you couldn't be sure, but you could feel his heart thumping against you.

Stopping completely, his hands cupped your face, and he stared into your eyes.

"What's wrong, Jungkook?"

His cheeks burned hot, and he was fighting his smile from appearing too eager. "Do you think you could call me your boyfriend again?"

You nodded. "I'd really like that."

His lips found yours and time stopped around you. Abandoning all common sense, you were both picturing what your together forever could look like.

He broke away out of breath and slightly overwhelmed.

"I think I'm ready to take you back to the hotel."

____________________

Stretching out naked and satisfied beside him you glanced at the clock, 12:36 am. You turned your head back and placed a kiss on his chest. "Happy birthday Kookie."

A little drunk and a lot in love you felt secure enough to ask. "Are you happy?

He let out a giggle, and you were 100% positive that if the lights were on his dimples would look like deep canyons etched into his cheeks.

"So happy…" his soft snores gave away just how content he was with the moment.

"I love you," you whispered. Maybe he wasn't awake but it counted. A full commitment to your feelings. Eager to reaffirm your words, you drifted off knowing that tomorrow you'd make sure he knew just how happy he made you.

"Where do you think you're sneaking off to?" He grabbed your hand and pulled you back down on top of him.

"I was getting up to call room service so you could have breakfast in bed." You feigned annoyance half-heartedly to getaway.

"Food can wait." He wrapped his arms around you and started kissing your neck. "It's the first time we've spent an entire night together. I really like waking up beside you."

"So you mean you don't want to go on that five-hour hike you booked months ago because you really, really, really wanted to do it?"

Surrendering into his stronghold, you teased him. "Because I'm totally okay just hitting up the spa."

He groaned in hangover.

"Shit. I totally forgot."

"Should I go order us some coffee and food now?"

"Probably."

"Are you going to let go of me?" You squirmed under his arm.

"Hmm...5 more minutes."He giggled, throwing his leg over you.

____________________

Pulling the car up to Mt. Hallasan you both stared at the daunting task before you. "Are you sure you can handle it?" He popped the trunk and grabbed your backpack.

"Do you doubt my abilities, Jeon?"

"Normally, no." He hoisted the bag onto your shoulders. "But this knapsack weighs a ton. Seriously, what's in here?"

"Mind your business and worry about yourself, sir." Raising his hands in apologetic surrender he closed the trunk, "Alright, let's get it!"

Trying to set a steady pace the timing had to work out just right. You couldn't tell if he was getting frustrated or being chivalrous, but at least once every half-hour he asked if you wanted him to take your bag.

"Did you know they don't let anyone climb after 1:30 because they don't want people stuck after sunset?"

"Is that your way of calling me slow, Kookie?" You stopped in your tracks and starred. "I didn't know you were so afraid of breaking the rules. Do you want to turn around and go back?"

"Noona, did you wake up this morning with the intention of being a pain in my ass?"

"That's just rude," you huffed. Arguing was one way to buy some time. "I can't believe you don't even appreciate that I'm out here climbing a fricken mountain for you."

"If you're serious, I'm sorry." He walked closer to you and kissed your cheek.

"It's fine." You walked away smiling. "Now if you'll stop stalling, we can still make the summit by sunset."

He paused, flabbergasted, but decided to stay quiet and move on.

____________________

Finally reaching your destination it was perfect. Sunset from the highest peak in Jeju was in full bloom. Everyone had been moved swiftly along by the trail guides, so it was just you, Jungkook, and the stunning view from 6388 feet above the world.

"Wow, look at this, Noona. We're on top of the world." He took off his backpack and dug for his camera.

"I feel that way whenever I'm with you, mountain or not." You tapped his shoulder and handed him the present you'd been carrying."

His eyes and smile were more dazzling than the sun glinting its way over the horizon. "Is this why you wouldn't let me carry the bag? It's so heavy."

"Open it!"

Tearing the paper off, his jaw dropped. "Is this a Hasselblad?"

You nodded. "Did I do good?"

"This is unbelievable! It's one of the best cameras in the world."

"I did a lot of research."

He was still in shock. "It's too much. I can't possibly accept this."

"Don't be silly Jungkook, It's all ready to go. I had them set it up for you. I was kind of hoping you'd take some pictures for us," You suddenly felt shy. "You know, so we can look back on this and remember how great it was."

"It's unbelievable. You're unbelievable!" All trepidation at accepting the gift forgotten, he began taking pictures.

By the time he was satisfied with the scenery, he turned to focus the lens on you.

His camera crosshairs found you sitting on the ground. A blanket, a bottle of wine and a cupcake with a candle. His smile peeked out from under the camera as he snapped your picture. "All this too?"

"I wish it was more but I could only carry so much." You passed him the bottle, "I couldn't fit cups, I hope you don't mind."

He leaned in for a kiss. "It's perfect. I honestly couldn't dream of a better day. Thank you."

"So are you going to get down here and blow out this candle before it's completely melted?"

He sat on his knees and closed his eyes. Concentration crept over his features until he seemed satisfied enough to blow.

"What could the man who has everything possibly wish for?"

He smiled brightly, "Don't jinx me. You know if I tell you it won't come true."

You wanted it to be about you, and you wanted it to come true so badly that you didn't ask any more questions.

"Come sit with me." He kissed the top of your head once you were settled, secure in his arms. "I should have gotten out of bed sooner. We could have had more time up here."

"You've got a few hours." You said it nonchalantly like you hadn't had to name-drop and beg the parks department.

"They're letting us hike after dark?"

"Sort of? There's an ATV waiting at the Seongpanak shelter we're going to use to get back down the mountain."

"I get to ride an all-terrain down the mountain?"

"Yeah, I thought you'd like that part."

____________________

The air in the room was cold as you stepped from the steamed-up bathroom. "It feels so good to get that hiking dirt off. You should have joined me.

"Rubbing the towel through your wet hair, you realized you were alone.

"Jungkook?" Checking through the suite's other rooms and even opening the hall doorway, he was nowhere to be found.

Glimpsing an out-of-place white shirt on the beach you made your way out the patio doors.

"Jungkook?" If he heard you coming, he didn't turn around.

Sitting behind him in the sand, you wrapped your arms and legs around him and squeezed. "It sure is a beautiful night." Sighing he leaned back to rest his head against you.

"Are you okay?" He didn't answer. He didn't need to. You could see the shimmer of his tears in the moonlight.

"What are we doing, Noona? How do we all come out of this happy?"

You wrapped your arms around him a little tighter.

"I don't know, Kookie. It was never supposed to be like this. I was silly to think I could ever resist your charms."

"Sure blame me."

At least he was grinning from your flattery now.

You ran your fingers through his hair and smiled trying to ease the heaviness.

"Do you see that Star up there?" The waves broke on the shore in the background. "I'm confident it will always lead me in the right direction."

"Like fate?"

"Like fate." You nodded, agreeing. "I'd really like to think that the universe had a reason to bring us together."

"What do you think the reason is?" Freeing himself from your embrace, he asked the question in all seriousness.

"Happiness." You answered like you knew. "Even if we can only have it in small increments."

"I can't believe you just live your life accepting that things will turn out. Does anything scare you Noona?"

It was against your better judgment, but his vulnerability always had a way of breaking down your walls. "Me?" You laughed. Perhaps he didn't know you as well as you thought.

"I'm terrified, Jungkook."

Taking notice of the new sadness in your eyes, he took your hand and held it patiently, waiting for your words.

"One day you're going to find someone who can give you their whole heart." The sobs came out loud and uncontrollably. "Without any compromises, you're going to finally have all the happiness and love you deserve. And I'll be watching it all from the sidelines, wondering if it could have been me."

"It can always be you. But that's your choice to make."

Salty tears fell down your cheeks, and you were too emotional for any words to come out coherently.

"Shhh, it's okay, I've got you." He encompassed you in his arms. "I'm sorry. Let's just enjoy the rest of our time here together." He looked at his watch. "We've still got 11 more hours before we have to give up the fantasy. Let's not think about the real world right now."

Raw, emotional and completely vulnerable. Everything you wanted in a man was right before you.

You sniffed feeling relieved the conversation, at least for now, was over. "11 hours huh? We can have sex at least 5 more times."

He stared with a look that almost bordered on pity. "You know I didn't ask you here just so we could have sex. I'm perfectly happy just getting to spend time with you."

"It's all I know, Jungkook. I don't know how to show people I love them without it." It was a sad truth. "Besides, you're really good at it."

A half-hearted smile graced his lips.

"Can we make an agreement?" He stood and reached to help you up.

"What's that?" You kissed him.

"What if instead of 5 times we just do it once. But properly."

Walking up the shore back to the room you kept stealing glances. His long dark curls and sun-bronzed skin shone in the moonlight accentuating his ethereal beauty. Your heart was happy and broken at the same time.

____________________

Laying naked in bed your heart was racing. You'd never felt nervous with Jungkook before, but this seemed different.

Something about your conversation on the beach had you playing the lyrics to "if I'd known it was the last time" through your head.

The sound of the shower shutting off struck a chord of permanence you weren't ready to face and a tear rolled off your cheek onto the pillow. Quickly wiping it away you didn't want your worry to ruin the last night you had together.

The bathroom door opened and Jungkook came out in a cloud of steam. Towel wrapped around his waist, the water droplets still clinging onto his chest made him look even more beautiful than you thought possible.

He smiled when he noticed your gaze and swiftly moved to untuck the small corner of terry cloth that secured his covering.

His lips were parted and his breath was heavy as he stood before you completely bare. His cock wasn't hard, and his display didn't even seem sexual. It was as if he was showing you his soul and you felt guilty not reciprocating his vulnerability.

Pulling the sheets back you swung your legs off the bed and walked over to where he stood. Face to face you pressed yourself against him, feeling his warmth radiate through you.

"I love you." He whispered.

Kissing down his chest you took your time letting your lips linger over every firm muscle. Licking hot wet stripes over his hardened nipples, his body shivered, goosebumps rising on his skin.

Not a word was spoken, you didn't need them. Everything was being said in a physical language that only the both of you were fluent in.

Your nose skimmed down the soft hairs that pathed his lower abdomen, his cock growing firmer the closer your mouth got to it.

Dropping to your knees, you took him in your hand stroking him reverently. Gorgeous and thick the freshly washed skin of his cock smelt like strawberries and you couldn't resist him a second longer.

Wrapping your lips around him, you sucked soft and slow. God how you wanted this to last all night.

"Noona." Your name slid softly out of his mouth while you suckled his length.

Lingering a bit longer, you wanted to remember how he looked right now. So full of pleasure, the kind only you'd ever given him. You hoped he'd never forget how good you were together.

When you stopped, he looked down and stroked your cheek. You could see in the deep brown sadness behind his eyes that he too was trying to harvest as many memories of the moment as he could.

He held his hand out to help you up and pulled you back in close to him. Tilting his head and displaying a sympathetic smile he didn't break eye contact as he danced with you towards the bed.

Despite the heavy air you couldn't help but giggle as he twirled you, lying you back onto the crisp white hotel sheets. Standing at the edge of the bed his large hands travelled down your thighs and spread them apart. It was his turn to take station on the floor. Starting at the inside of your knee he alternated kisses back and forth giving each leg equal attention until his mouth reached your needy mound.

As much as you wanted to watch, your eyes involuntarily clamped shut in pleasure as his tongue explored you.

A master with his mouth, he knew all of your hot spots. Circling your clit and teasing it to swollen attention he'd switch to slow methodical sucks, lips wrapped around your pink bud giving it head until you squirmed. As soon as you were close, he stiffened his tongue and fucked you with it, darting in and out and in.

As your legs started to shake at the onset of orgasm, a sign that he knew all too well, he revoked his mouth. Climbing on the bed he helped you pull your legs up and lay beside you. His hands travelled over your body slowly committing every one of your curves to his memory. His fingertips on your skin sent white lightening to your brain and his mouth latching onto your nipple made your insides roll like thunder.

"Jungkook…"

"Shhh.." He placed his mouth on yours and your heart panged at how much you missed his lips when they weren't attached to yours. As skilled as he was at everything else tongue-related, you wouldn't trade his kisses for any other sexual act in his repertoire.

Pausing his kiss, he locked his eyes with yours. A silent "are you ready?" passed between you.

With a simple nod, you pulled him back to you. His body moving from beside you to on top of you had your head reeling. The longing for satisfaction was fighting with your desire to drag this on all night.

You surrendered. You needed to stop thinking and to let yourself go to what you knew would be your last time.

Tipping your chin he once again connected to your longing lips while his hands slowly travelled down your thigh. Raising your leg and hooking it over his arm he created the perfect angle for entrance.

Pushing slowly, his girthy length slid into your sex and he paused.

Eyes closed, time stood still. The heavy anticipation hung in the air like a storm cloud.

He kissed you. Kissed you like it was the first time, the last time. His lips not once leaving yours as he softly made love to you.

You couldn't cum and you didn't care. The connection you were feeling with him right now was better than any orgasm.

You knew he was close and your heart was breaking at the realization that this was it. You didn't want him to think he hadn't satisfied you because he had. He had in so many more ways than you ever thought possible. Moaning in unison you cried out one last time as he filled you with a future that wasn't meant for you.

The kisses lingered until the activities of your long day finally defeated his longing to stay awake. His chest rose and fell with what you wished was a peaceful sleep.

Laying tucked under his arm, your cheek rested just over his heartbeat. "I love you too."

You'd both been awake a while but you lay in silence trying to absorb whatever last remnants of the weekend you could. Someone had to speak first, so you took the hit.

"We should probably get out of bed. Our flight leaves in 2 hours."

His fingers intertwined with yours and he lifted your hand to his lips.

"You were wrong on the plane, you know." He sighed and placed a small kiss on your knuckles. "When you said we always want the same thing."

You wiggled out of his embrace and propped yourself on an elbow to interrupt him. "Don't we? I thought we had a really good time this weekend."

"I did, but," he looked like he might cry. "You're lying there thinking about going home, and I'm running schemes through my head about how I can find a way for us to stay."

"Jungkook," you collapsed back into his side. "You know that's not how this works." A tear slipped from your eye and you hoped he wouldn't notice it. "We've had a good couple of days, let's not ruin it with what if's."

"All I have are what if's Noona.

I don't understand why you won't choose me."

You'd never seen him this upset before.

"Yoongi Hyung, he doesn't deserve you. If you were mine, I'd never share you. You'd get everything you needed from me, and you wouldn't have to go anywhere else to find it."

"It's not that simple, Jungkook."

"Well, it seems pretty simple to me. The only reason I can think of is that you don't really love me the way I love you."

Pulling away from him, you tucked your knees into your chest and wrapped your arms around yourself. His words made you feel like a small piece of nothing.

"Please don't ever believe that...I couldn't stand the thought of you not knowing how much I fucking love you."

He didn't move to comfort you, and you could tell this conversation wasn't going to steer easily. He was building a wall around his heart and you could feel it getting further away from you with every passing minute.

"Have you ever thought about what would actually happen if I left Yoongi for you?"

"Yeah, every damn day. We'd be happy, he'd get over it," He snapped defensively.

I'm not talking about you and me, Jungkook. I'm talking about you and him. Do you ever think about that? I can already see that this is fracturing your relationship with him."

He dropped his head in realization, still not looking you in the eye.

"Why are you doing this now?" Crying uncontrollably the words barely got out. "Why can't we just keep going on like this? I thought we were happy? I thought we were in love?"

His breath was shaky,

"I brought you here because I had to see. I pulled out all the stops to woo you and it still wasn't enough."

"So on the plane when you said, "trust the plan" you knew that it was going to end in an ultimatum? That even If I didn't choose you at least you'd get fucked a few more times?"

He stood his ground, face stoic until he finally looked at your tear-stained cheeks. His jaw relaxed and his sadness finally revealed itself.

"I can't be second place. Not with something that matters so much to me. Not with you."

He got out of bed and headed to the shower. "We'd better hurry up. Like you said, we don't want to miss our flight."

Other than formalities the next few hours were mostly empty.

Standing, waiting for your bags, Jungkook finally broke his silence.

"I sent Yoongi a message asking him to come get you. I think I'm gonna spend some time at my condo for a bit."

Perching the Sunglasses that disguised your swollen eyes on the top of your head, you gave it one last try. "I Love you Jungkook. Please don't do this…"

"We both know I'm not enough. What do you want from me?"

You were hyperventilating.

"I don't want to lose you."

He kissed your cheek in a way that seemed like it might be a real goodbye. "We both know there's only one way that can happen."

Grabbing the handle of his suitcase, he turned back a final time. "I had a really great birthday. I guess I'll see you around."

Making your way to the second Suburban in the pickup line, you stood and watched as Jungkook pulled away in the first. How were you going to hide how sad you were from Yoongi?

The driver came around and opened your door to expose the emptiness of the huge van.

"Where's Yoongi?"

"Sorry, we only received an airport pick-up call, ma'am. Will you be going back to the HYBE building today?"

"No, thanks. I don't think that I will."

____________________

Y/N: Hey

MIN: Hey! Sorry I couldn't come to meet you. So much work.

MIN: I hope you had a good time. MIN: Come down to the studio when you get back.

Y/N: I was thinking it would be nice for us to spend some alone time at the condo.

Y/N: Could you come after work? Take a few days off?

MIN: I can't just pick up and leave right now, but I'll see what I can do.

His lack of effort was really beginning to hurt.

Y/N: Whenever you can, I guess.

The blackout curtains were betraying you. The opening between the panels was just wide enough for a ray of sunlight to hit you directly in the face.

You yawned, "Yoon, I think we need to move to an underground bunker." Rolling over you were reminded by the cool smooth sheets that even though the condo was 10 minutes away from work he couldn't be bothered to come home yet again.

You reached for your phone. No messages.

Y/N: Hey babe, where are you? I haven't seen you for days.

The floor was cold as you made your way barefoot across the kitchen to start the coffee.

Still no response. Your stomach felt uneasy, he'd usually at least text. Picking up the phone you dialled.

"Hello?" His voice was raspy like he'd just woken up.

"Hey, I'm a little confused why I'm the only one here." You tried to keep your tone light, despite your aggravation.

"I'm sorry. I was heading out last night and PDog asked for help. He's trying to write for the new girl group and the lead's vocal style isn't meshing with his flow. I sat in on their session to see if I could help."

"Yoongi, are you ever going to take a break?"

"This is why I didn't text you. I don't need a lecture about it. They have a debut date and shit needs to get finished."

He sounded aggravated and if you had to guess he was most likely pushing his hair back, an anxious habit he had recently developed.

"I wish you'd work on us as much as you worked on your music."

"I thought you'd be thrilled that I'm busy. Where are your other boyfriends?"

You were crying again. "You're right Yoongi. I'd have to be absolutely stupid to want to spend any quality time alone with you."

"Fuck, Y/N. I'm sorry. I'm tired, okay?"You could hear him cover his phone but managed to make out a mumbled "I'll meet you downstairs." There was a pause and a door clicking shut. "When I'm done, I'll drive over and we'll spend the rest of the week together OK? I love you."

"You frustrate me to no end, Min Yoongi." You sighed at your own inability to stay angry with him. "I love you too."

____________________

Tired of opening one app after another, you tossed your phone on the couch beside you. You could sit here all day waiting for Yoongi, who probably wasn't going to show up anyway, or you could just head back to the dorms.

Even if he did manage to get away, his mind would still be on work. He'd just be trading one studio for another, and you knew he preferred the new HYBE equipment. At least there you could hang out with whoever was still around.

You were sure Jungkook would be at home. Joon was art hopping in Seoul, and Jin was in Uncle mode helping his brother settle in for their soon-to-be new baby. Everyone else would most likely be hanging around the offices.

Y/N: I'm incredibly bored, Jimin. I'm coming to visit.

Chim: Ohhhh, I'll play with you! I've got a new toy I think you might like.

Y/N: Intrigued 🤔

Chim: I'll be in the lounge. See you in ½ an hour?

Slinging the heavy duffle bag of things, you needed to return to Jungkook over your shoulder, you waited for the elevator. Just as it pinged Jimin came bouncing up the hall.

"What are you doing? Where are you going? I told you I have a surprise!"

"Can I just bring this stuff upstairs first?"

Breaking out the dimples and a cute head tilt he stared with puppy eyes until you agreed to follow.

You hurled the bag into his arms. "Fine but this better be good."

Pushing open the door he raised his eyebrows and grinned. "Ladies first!"

Stepping into the room, you were sure your jaw was almost on the floor. You pushed him backwards and slammed it shut behind you.

"Jimin what the fuck? There's a naked girl in there!"

He frowned at your unexpected reaction. "You don't like your present?"

"I really don't know what's going through your head. Who is she? You know you can't just do this with strangers."

"NDA's!! She's one of the new trainees, if she talks she'll get fired."

You scoffed at him. "No abuse of power there. This is a real dick move, Jimin."

"Well, it's not just me."

Your heart dropped into your stomach. "Who else?"

You watched his Adam's apple bulge in his throat with a hard swallow. He was clearly choosing his words carefully.

"Hobi"

"and?"

"Taehyung and I have already…" His words trailed off

"and?"

"That's it. I swear."

"Not Jungkook?" The thought turned your stomach.

Jimin rolled his eyes "You're kidding right? Jungkook is too whipped for you to even look at anyone else."

You sighed in relief but began to internally ponder why your first reaction was to ask about Jungkook and not Yoongi.

"I just…I don't understand why you'd think this is okay."

"You do crazy stuff with all of us all the time. I thought you'd be impressed."

Plopping onto the bench in the hallway, you were really taken aback.

"Jimin, I thought we were all in this together. A poly relationship doesn't include bringing in strangers. All of you sleeping with her is exposing me without my consent. I'd never do that to any of you."

He sighed like you had missed the point. "This is me asking for your consent. Yoongi thought you’d be down for it and that…"

"That what?" Your jaw was clenched. "You're my best fucking friend, Jimin, you'd better not lie to me."

He stammered in defeat. "That if I could get you and her together it would be easier to have her join in whenever with whoever."

"So Yoongi orchestrated this? Like this is an actual fucking conversation that took place between you?"

He knew he was fucked.

"Please don't tell him you know."

"Oh, I'm not gonna tell him anything."

Anger, blinding rage? Whatever it was motivating you, you pushed open the door and smiled. "Let's do this then."

Standing up she walked towards where you stood. Jimin, clearly surprised by the turn of events, was already hard and smiling while palming himself over his pants.

"What took so long? Jimin said you were always down to fuck." She was bold; it felt as If she was challenging you.

"Just trying to make sure you were screened. Dime a dozen groupie girls like you come riddled with diseases these days."

Grabbing her face tightly in your hand you kissed her hard before directing her backwards. "I'm the one in charge here. This is my game. If you want to play with the big kids, you'd better get back to the couch so I can see if that tongue is good for anything other than talking shit."

She smiled and lay back as Jimin undid his pants. Grinning like a high-school kid having sex for the first time, he stood stroking his cock while you pulled up your skirt and straddled her face.

He walked closer to you waving his dick at your mouth like he was on a fishing expedition.

"I don't think so. If I'm disposable, so are you."

"Can I at least fuck her then?"

You made him wait a bit before you answered. Making sure to play up your pleasure you threw your head back and closed your eyes while moaning. "You know Jimin, I think you made a mistake. I don't know if I'll need any of you if I can have this whenever I want it."

It was a lie. You were so angry you couldn't think straight let alone feel pleasure right now but you wanted it to sting.

You felt her smile slide over your wet pussy and she stuck her tongue in deep for good measure. It pissed you off that she thought she was winning you over.

"Go ahead Jimin, use her."

Excited that his plan was finally working, his demeanour changed back to how he'd met you at the door.

She spread her legs wide for him while he knelt between them on the couch.

"Stop! Where's the condom Jimin?" You scolded him. "You can't just raw dog a rando."

She laughed, and it made your blood boil. "Yoongi never mentioned how controlling you are. No wonder he wants to add me into the mix."

You froze, staring at Jimin. You were livid and couldn't believe any of them would want to have anything to do with her.

Getting up you calmly smoothed your dress back down your legs.

"Oh shit. You didn't know? I figured you pieced it together when you called this morning as I was leaving." She smiled coyly. "Sorry he hasn't been making it home the last few nights."

You thought back to your conversation this morning. He said, "I'll meet you downstairs." The dorms were on the upper levels, the studios on the lower.

You wanted to smack the smug look off of her face but instead walked out slamming the door.

Wiping tears away frantically, the facial recognition on the elevator wasn't processing you through your turmoil. The doors slid open and you ducked inside just as Jimin ran out to stop you.

Standing behind the closed doors you had to decide, Confront or hide? Your finger hovered, shaking as you pressed, Floor 12.

Running quickly you punched the memorized code into the keypad. Turning the handle you slid inside hoping to god that Jungkook wouldn't be there.

Resting your head on the door, you could barely breathe. What were you going to do?

Taking a deep breath you inhaled the comforting scent of Jungkook that permeated the walls of his Golden Closet Studio. You felt so stupid, you'd ruined everything with him and for what?

The knock startled you and you almost gasped revealing your hiding spot. You could hear them in the hall outside.

"She knows he's not here; she probably went back to the condo to get her things."

"I can't believe how badly you fucked this up, Jimin."

Jimin must have alerted Yoongi to the issue. The two men were now seemingly combing the building trying to find you.

"Me? I'm not the one who cheated, don't blame me."

Yoongi's voice was calm instead of sad. Damage control mode, you'd heard it before. It made you question if he was as worried about losing you as he was with protecting his career and the company from this scandal. "I didn't cheat. We only talked about it."

"I don't think Y/N sees that as any different Hyung."

"This is so bad." Hitting what was presumably his head against the door, the thud echoed around the room. "You'd better get your ass into Hitman Bangs office right now and explain to him why his latest girl group suddenly needs a new lead. We can't keep her around if she's going to act so indiscreetly."

"You have to fix this Yoongi. You know how much we all need Noona."

You heard the ding of the elevator and presumed they had both moved on but the quiet was broken when your phone vibrated, shaking the contents of your purse. Seconds later Yoongi's voice cut through the silence, he was leaving you a voicemail.

"I know you're angry. You have every right to be. Can we just talk about it? Give me a chance to explain myself. Tell me where you are, and we'll figure this out okay?"

You'd have to face him sooner or later, so you opened the door.

"Hey."

He looked relieved. "Hey. Can I come in?"

You nodded and held the door wide for him to enter.

"Jungkook's not here?"

You chewed your lip trying to stop yourself from having a complete breakdown. "No, he doesn't want to have anything to do with me anymore. I made it pretty clear that I would always choose you and he didn't take that so well."

"Fuck. I'm such an asshole. I had no idea." He couldn't look you in the eye, so he turned away. "How the hell did it come to this Y/N?"

You wanted to be mad, but you couldn't, you knew you were both to blame. Pressing your face into his back your tears left wet marks on his t-shirt. "I think we both know the answer to that."

"I should have let you go. I knew you were happier with him, but my pride didn't want to lose you like that."

"Yoongi, it's not all your fault."

"It is, though. The minute I felt relieved that I didn't have to put as much effort into our relationship anymore is the minute we should have had this conversation."

He turned to face you and wrapped his arms around you.

"I love you, and I need you to know that I didn't cheat on you. I thought about it but only because I was upset that you were with Jungkook."

You tried to interrupt, to defend yourself but he continued.

"I'm not blaming either of you. You two belong together."

You were frustrated that he couldn't have come to this conclusion sooner. "Well unfortunately, it's too late for that. He fucking hates me now."

The keypad beeped, and Jungkook, looking worn and sad, walked in apparently having overheard your last statement.

"I could never hate you Noona."

Your heart flipped in your chest. You didn't think you'd ever get to see him again.

"I owe you an apology Jungkook. I should have stepped aside when I saw how much you loved her."

Putting his hand on Jungkook's shoulder, Yoongi turned and gave you one last smile. "She needs you, go and take care of your girl."

Closing the door behind him, Yoongi took his leave.

"I'm sorry I came up here. I didn't know where else to go." You brushed the tears that had begun falling away with your fingertips. "I'll go."

He grabbed your hand, so you couldn't walk out. "No! There's no way I'm letting you go this time. I've been miserable the last few days without you."

It was his turn to cry. "Jimin sent me a message and said they needed help finding you. I got so scared that id never see you again."

He pulled you into his arms and kept placing small kisses on top of your head while apologies streamed from his lips.

"I'm so sorry. I swear I never had any intention of ending things when we went to Jeju. I didn't want to give you up but everything you said made sense and I didn't want to hurt Yoongi either."

"I love you so much Jungkook." Your body shook while you sobbed in his arms. "I'm so fucking sorry if I hurt you."

Picking you up in a bear hug he walked you to the couch. "I missed you so much, can we just lay here together for a while? I just want to hold you"

"I don't think we should, actually."

He pulled back, a puzzled look across his face.

"I'm so tired of dorm rooms and studios, Jungkook. I think it's time we try out something more permanent, you know? Just us. Like home?"

The sparkle in his eyes returned. "Like our home, because you're mine now?"

Your heart was full. You didn't need or want anything or anyone else.

"I'm all yours."

[unloved-cadillac]

Leather Jackets and Glasses: CHAPTER FIVE

Here it is. The final chapter. I hope that you enjoy reading it as much I enjoyed writing this series. Thank you for all the love I’ve received on the previous chapters. It was a great journey🤍

———————————————————————————————————

Chapter Five:

“What the hell is going on?”, I say to myself. Mikasa comes to my right. “Y/n, don’t jump to conclusions. Maybe it’s your dad.” “Highly doubt it.” We make our way to the office when I see him. “Oh Y/n there you are. Your brother is here to pick you up.” The secretary tells me.

When the man turns around my stomach starts to turn. “Hi, lil sis”, Zeke says with a grin. “Mikasa, Jean, Eren why are you here? We didn’t call for you?”, the secretary asks them. “THIS ISN’T Y/N’S-..”, Eren starts to scream but Jean quickly puts his hand over his mouth to shut him up. Erens eyes widen and looks at Jean confused. “Shut up, Eren.”, I hear Jean say softly. I take a deep breath and walk towards Zeke. “Hi, big bro. Why are you here?” I ask trying to keep my composure. “To take you home. Dad isn’t feeling well so we’re going to visit him. Let’s go” he says as he takes hold of my arm. He leans down and whispers into my ear, “Try anything funny and I’ll slit your throat here and now. Tell your friends to stand down.” I gulp and look at the three of them. I shake my head and make a gesture with my fingers for them to leave. Mikasa’s face dropped and Jean looked down. I turn away and leave with Zeke to God knows where. All I know is, if he has me, this isn’t gonna end well.

Mikasa, Jean and Eren leave the office to go back to the cafeteria. They sit back down where they were and Levi sees them. He quickly wakes up and approaches them. “What happened, guys?”, he asks them. Mikasa looks at him and tells him, “Levi, if you want to be safe, you would stay away from us. This isn’t any of your concern.” Levi scoffs. “Where did she go, Mikasa?” She doesn’t answer. She’s too angry to say anything. But when she looks up and sees Reiner laughing, something triggers in her to leap up and run up to him. She takes him by the collar and smashes his head into the table. “We are gonna have a little chat. Jean!Eren! Take this prick to the parking lot! And if anybody follows, you’re going to be next.”, she spits out angrily. Jean and Eren take Reiner while Levi tries to figure out what is happening. Although she said not to follow them, Levi couldn’t help it. If he knew what happened to Y/n, he was going to find out.

Levi sneaks behind them and hides behind a car while Jean takes Reiner and pushes him down to ground. “Where is she!? Why did Zeke take her?”, Mikasa asks him. Zeke? “I don’t know what you’re talking about” “Dont play dumb with me, you cunt. I saw you text someone and smile while Y/n was getting taken away. You did something. Now I’m going to ask you one more time before I shove my blade in your eye, where did Zeke take her?” Mikasa says as she takes out her switchblade. “You’ll never know. Even if I did know, I still wouldn’t tell you. The Free never go back on their word.” “I should’ve trusted my gut earlier. I knew this dick had something to do with this.”, Jean says. Levi’s breath hitches. Y/n’s been taken? Who’s Zeke? What is going on?

Levi is taken away from his thoughts when he hears a punch being landed. “Fucking cunt.”, Mikasa spits out and on him. Eren, Jean and Mikasa walk away from him letting Levi follow them.

“Mikasa.” Levi says capturing the stoic girls attention. “What is it, Levi?” “I want to help. I want to find Y/n.” Mikasa gives him a look. “Look, Levi. You’re a good guy. And a smart one. So act smart now and don’t get involved.”, she tells him. “No. I’m not gonna sit back here while Y/n is in danger. Let me help.”, he argues with her. “Levi, this isn’t a game. This is life and death. If you get involved there’s no turning back. You could get yourself in real danger.”, Mikasa explains. “I don’t care. If it’s for her, I’ll do anything.” This guy. Mikasa looks at Jean and he gives her a look that gave her the answer she needed.

“Meet us at the L/n mansion on 7th Avenue after school.”

———————————————————————

Levi tells Farlan that he isn’t gonna be home at the usual time which makes Farlan a bit worried. But Levi brushes it off and gets into his car driving to Y/n’s house.

What could have happened? Where is she? Shit. I should’ve went with her.

Levi thinks to himself. His hands are gripping the steering wheel so hard his hands turn white.

“Levi. Whatever happens, I’m glad you asked me to prom.”

“Fuck, Y/n. You’re still going to prom with me.”

As he pulls into the mansion, Levi is met with guards. They’re armed and Levi becomes a tad bit nervous.

“Who are you? And what do you want here?” A guard asks him. Levi rolls his window down and speaks. “I’m Levi Ackerman and I’m here because Mikasa told me to come here.” The guard widens his eyes and speaks to his partners. “He’s an Ackerman?” “Wait like..Kenny Ackerman?” Oh fuck. Levi knew one day that man was gonna get him into shit. But all of a sudden, the gates open and Levi is allowed in. What

When Levi enters Jean is there to greet him. “Thanks for coming.” “Yeah. Sure. Hey, do they know my uncle?”, levi asks as he walks with Jean into the house. “Whose your uncle?” “Kenny Ackerman.” Jean suddenly stops and looks at Levi. “Wait. You mean like the Kenny Ackerman? Aka Kenny the Ripper?”, Jean asks him. Levi nods his head and Jean becomes shocked. “Holy shit. Kenny’s been a close friend of Y/n’s dad. They went through hell together and is one of the most trusted friends of the L/n family. Well, Y/n’s dad’s side. Her mom hated Kenny. It’s one of the reasons she left too. But Kenny loved Y/n like his daughter. But he hasn’t been around lately. Dunno what’s that about”, Jean explains to Levi making it his turn to get shocked. Well, at least now he knows Kenny wasn’t a complete and utter useless person. He kept the girl he loves safe.

Jean takes Levi to Y/n’s dads office. “Boss, this is Kenny’s nephew, Levi. Levi, this is our boss, aka Y/n’s dad. He wants to help find Y/n.”, Jean introdues the two of them. And whoa. The tension could be cut with a knife. Y/n’s dad just looks at Levi and Levi stares back. Eren looks at Mikasa and asks her, “Yo. What’s with the staring contest?” “Don’t know.” She answers back.

“You’re Kenny’s nephew, huh?”, he asks Levi. “Yes, sir.” “So that means you can fight. And Mikasa tells me that you’re smart too. And that you are interested in Y/n.”, he cuts straight to the point. Levi gulps a little at the last statement. Why would Mikasa mention that out of all things? Not that it’s wrong but still.

“Sir, I want to save Y/n. She’s an amazing person and I want to help. And yes, I can fight.”, Levi tells the boss. He scoffs. But he wakes up and walks up to Levi. And Levi didn’t even flinch. “Fine.” And with that, the whole gang was strategically planning where Zeke might be.

“What if he went to a warehouse?”

“No. What if he bought a whole new property and hid her in a basement?”

Many ideas were thrown with no source of information. This made Y/n’s dad angry. So he pulls out his phone and calls someone. When he was finished he lit a cigar and looked around looking for Mike. “Where’s Mike?” He asks everyone. Many exchange glances and say that they don’t know. While thinking, a loudmouth person comes strolling into the room.

“AH! L/N! Been a long ass time. Finally had the balls to call back huh? And wh-..” Kenny stops talking and looks at the boy. “What the hell are you doing here?” Levi rolls his eyes and scoffs. “I could ask you the same thing, you lying hag.” Kenny moves in front of Levi and leans over him but Levi doesn’t back down. “What did you say, runt?” “Alright stop. Enough. We need to find Y/n.”, Jean says which makes Kenny look up quickly. “What? What happens to Y/n? L/n?”, he asks. “Zeke.” Kenny grinds his teeth and pinched the bridge of his nose. “That fucking monkey.”

“Kenny, we need your men to track Zeke or find anything on her.” Kenny looks at his friend and sighs. “Do you want me to...you know.” “Yes. Do whatever you want. Just find my daughter.” The boss leaves everything to him while he looks for Mike. He checks his room and calls his cell but no answer. Until his phone rings. “Mike! Where the hell are you? Don’t you know Y/n’s been kidnapped! Where are-..” “L/n.” Y/n’s dad stops talking when he hears the voice on the other side. “Zeke.” “Glad you remember my voice. I mean, you would after everything we’ve been through.” Zeke says slyly. “Where’s my daughter and Mike?”, he asks wasting no time. “Both are safe. But one is rather chatty.” Y/n’s dad hears shuffling then screaming. “DADDY! MIKE IS A TRAITOR! HE TOLD ZEKE ABOUT US!”, he hears his daughter’s voice and instantly the boss’s blood runs cold. Mike? A traitor? How? Why?

“God she just doesn’t shut up, does she?”, Zeke says back on the phone. “Where the fuck are you, you son of a bitch!?”, he tells causing everyone to come out the room and look at him. “Oh I’m not going to tell you that now, am I? But, I will make a trade with you. I want 100 million dollars in cash, for all the shit you’ve cause back in Shiganshina, for the girl. You have 48 hours before I continue where I left off with this sweet daughter of yours. I bet her cunt’s nice and-..” SMASH! “AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!” , Y/n’s dad smashes the phone on the ground and yells. Fucking bastard.

“Boss! What is it? Was it Zeke?”, Eren asks him as Mikasa salvages the phone. “Yes. And fucking Mike sold us out.” Everyone stops in shock. “Mike? Your right hand?” Kenny asks him. “Yes. He fucking sold out Y/n. Everyone. Bastard.” He says. Levi is stunned but decides to speak up. “Did he say anything regarding Y/n?, sir” “$100 million for her. That’s it.”

Kenny scoffs and looks at Mikasa. “Yo. Ackerman. Whatcha doing?” “Trying to fix the phone so maybe I can track Mike’s phone.” “It’s no use.”, Y/n’s dad says. “I made sure he didn’t have a tracker to keep him safe.” All of a sudden Eren speaks up. “Boss! The emergency phone! Y/n kept it on her.” The boss looks at him then at Mikasa. “Don’t you think Kenny would’ve searched her? Taken whatever she had on?”, Levi says. “The signal turned off after she was taken. Looked like Zeke acted fast in searching her.”, Mikasa says. Jean sighs then helps Mikasa take the phone. “Boss,” Mikasa says causing him to look at her. “What did it sound like she was in? It might give us a clue to where she might be. Like was there an echo or something?” Y/n’s dad thinks back to the conversation. Now that he thinks about it when she yelled out, the was a big echo. Like some sort of hall. His eyes widen.

“Everyone, get ready. I know where they are.” He orders them. “Where to, L/n?”, Kenny asks him. “The factory.” Kenny widens his eyes and walks towards him. “What? The factory? What makes you think he would be there?”, he asks the boss. “A couple of months back, I was talking to Mike about the missions we did back in the day. I told him that the factory downtown was were we made most of our dealings. Now that I think about it, I should’ve caught on sooner. Why Mike asked about it. About our products and...the murders.”, he recalls the conversations. Kenny slumps down and puts his hand on Y/n’s dad’s shoulder. “We’ll get her. I think Zeke’s plan is to blackmail you after you destroyed his plans and gang back in Shiganshina.” Levi listens to their conversation. He had no idea Kenny and her dad were so close.

“I’m coming after you, Y/n. Hold on.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My hands are starting to become numb. These ropes are too tight. I try to wiggle my wrists and the chair creaks alerting Mike. “What are you trying to do, Y/n? Escape?”, he asks me. “Shut up, traitor. Don’t speak to me.”, I spit back to him. He sighs and kneels in front of me. “Come on, Y/n. Don’t be like that. We’ve been through so much together. No need to be so rude.”, he touches my face and I turn away.

“Mike. Leave us.”, Zeke says from the door. Mike wakes up after giving me a slap on my face and leaves. “Y/n. Do you know where you are?” He asks me. “A run down factory?” He chuckles. “This was the factory your father hid products and bodies. He is not the man you think he is. He’s evil. He’s killed so many people and to think, he actually thought he could get away with it.” I cease my eyebrows. What? Dad? A murderer? “I don’t believe you. My dad might be dangerous but he wouldn’t kill anyone. He’s not you.” Zeke drops pictures on my lap. “These pictures were taken just now. Those decomposing bodies and bones are still here. And you know what I’m going to do after I get my money? I’m going to kill you, and send these pictures to the FBI. Your father and his little gang are going to prison. And that little friend of yours. What’s his name again? Oh yes. Levi Ackerman.”

I widen my eyes. No. No not him. “Zeke, you son of a bitch!”, I yell out and he pushes me on the floor and the impact of the chair knocks the air out of me. He leans over me and speaks: “It’s such a shame really. We could’ve been together. You could’ve had my sons. But I guess, you just had to be such a bitch about it. Now you and your family would pay.”

As he finishes, gunfire is sounded. Zeke wakes up and looks at the door. “What the fuck? Mike! What’s going on?”, he speaks into the walkie talkie. Mike doesn’t respond but the sounds from talkie is gunfire and screaming. I don’t know what the hell is going on but I try to escape. These damn ropes. Zeke turns to me, unties me and puts a gun to my head while we move out the door.

When we come out, my eyes widen. Dad. Mikasa. Jean. Eren. Everyone. And is that...Kenny?

“HEY! Y/N!”, he calls out to me. My dad shoots Mike, killing him. Everyone turns to see me and Zeke. “Zeke. Let her go!”, my dad yells out. “What makes you think I’ll do that? To be honest I’m quite surprised you found us. And it’s all her fault you did. So now, if you give me my money, I might just let her live.” He says and grips my neck tighter. Fuck. I’m loosing air. I try wriggling out of his grip but he shoots the gun right above my head. “Stay still, you bitch.”, he shouts.

The Scouts all move in. Slowly. “Zeke, let her go. Let her go and we walk away. I have your money right here”, dad gestures to the bag. “$100 mil. Just like you asked.” He puts the bag down. Zeke points the gun around, aiming to defend. He walks to the bag when I hear Mikasa speak. “Levi NOW!” A gunshot is sounded and blood is spilled on the floor. The arms around me loosens and Zeke falls to the ground. I stand, frozen. I couldn’t move. Did I hear right?

“Nice job, you runt. You can come down now.”, Kenny says and I look at where he is looking to see Levi on the roof with a sniper gun. He lifts his head up and sees me. My eyes start tearing and I release a sigh of relief. “Y/n!”, my dad calls out to me. I turn to see him and run up to him, and he catches me in his arms. “Oh dad! I knew you would come for me. I was so scared. I thought that- that..”, I choke out and cry. “Shh it’s okay now. You’re fine. I’m sorry we took so long. But,” he lifts me to look at him, “your friend is quite the fighter” he looks behind me.

I turn and see Levi walking towards us. I leave my dad and run up to him and hit his chest. “You idiot! You idiot! He could’ve caught you. Zeke, he said he would kill you. I was so worried about you. Do you know how-..”, I get shut up when I feel his lips on mine. I widen my eyes but I kiss him back. He wraps his arms around my waist and mine around around his neck. He pulls away and looks at me. “You done?”, he asks. I shyly nod my head. “Since when could you shoot so good?”, I ask him. “Tch. My idiot uncle taught me.”, he says. “Mm. Remind me to thank him.”, I say. He points behind me. “Thank him now.” I turn and see Kenny light his cigarette. “Kenny? Kenny is your uncle?” I look at Levi and he nods. He kisses me again. “I’m glad you’re okay, Y/n. I don’t know what I would’ve done if I lost you.”, he whispers. “Thank you for saving me, Levi. Guess you’re not the biggest nerd.” I joke with him.

After leaving to the car, a huge fire breaks out. Dad burned the factory along with the bodies in there. Later that day, after I showered and treated my wounds I ask him about the stuff Zeke told me about. “Yes. It’s true. They were after my family, and they attacked my girlfriend back then. We killed them and the police never heard of them again.” “Why didn’t you tell me? Zeke was going to expose you and everyone involved.”, I tell him. “I know. I should have. But I was afraid of what you would think of me.”, he says holding my hand. “Dad, you’re my hero. Don’t forget it.”, I hug him. “Now, go see your friends and Levi. They’re waiting downstairs.” I leave him, and go to our big lounge to see Mikasa, Jean, Eren and Levi sitting on the couch. “Y/n! Heya!”, Eren says. Levi looks at me and walks up to me. “Hi, brainiac”, I tell him. He smiles. “Hey, crazy. How are you feeling?”, he feels my forehead. “I’m fine. The thing I’m so interested in is why is Jean and Mikasa holding hands.”, I look at them and Jean flushes. “I- oh well, you see..” “we’re dating.”, Mikasa says bluntly. “MIKASA! Why so straightforward?! You could’ve said it differently!”, Jean says covering his face. “Like how?”, she asks. Jean shakes his head. “I don’t know but still..”. We all laugh at Jean’s reaction. Yeah I knew something was up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three months later.

It was prom night. Finally. Mikasa and I were touching up on our make up when her phone rang. “Hi Jean. Yeah? Ok we’ll be right down.”, she cuts the call and looks at me. “Jean and Levi are here. We should get going.” Nodding my head, we go downstairs and my dad is there with Kenny. “You girls look beautiful.”, dad tells us. “I still can’t believe Levi got you. That nervous kid actually got a girlfriend. And it’s you. Who would’ve thought?”, Kenny says. “Kenny.”, I shake my head and kiss my dad goodbye. We go outside and I see Levi and Jean in their tuxedos. Levi looked so good. He looks at me and he blushes. “H-hi Y/n”, he says. “Hi Levi. You look so handsome.” “And you look very..beautiful.”, he whispers. Chuckling I kiss his cheek when I feel something on my wrist. It’s a rose. “Mom said I had to give this to you and get photos for her.” I smile. “Thank you. Shall we go?”, I turn to look at Mikasa and Jean and they were...making out. “Hey!”, I shout startling them. “We should leave. Ugh I’ll never get used to seeing Mikasa like that.”, I groan and put my head on Levi’s shoulder.

We all leave and the night was great. Reiner left school after hearing about Zeke so I wasn’t bothered by anyone. Farlan and Isabel won the king and queen spot, rightfully so. The music turned to a slow song and Levi takes my hand and guides me to the dance floor. He takes my hands and puts them around his neck while he holds my waist. “You know, you’re so strange Levi.”, I whisper. “Yeah? How?” “One minute you pulling me towards you and the next your face is red like a tomato.” I chuckle. “It’s all your fault. I can’t help it.”, he says back. I rest my head on his shoulder and we slow dance. “Y/n?”, he asks. I hum in response and look at him.

“I’m glad you asked me for a pencil and page that day.”

The End.

———————————————————————

“First story: done. So, I’m going to be opening requests soon. I will be posting the rules and fandoms I write for soon. So stay tuned.”

🖤🤍Thanks for reading🤍🖤

-Caddy.

🤍🖤Special tags: @windex-princess-gia @leviswife-of6years @french-girl-online🖤🤍

[mattyslittleworld]

East Keansburg

P: Rob Sellig 

2:48 am / Thursday morning. Im listening to this new Tsu Surf & Mozzy project, thinking about this kid I grew up around. Ive been reading he passed away, which is such a shame. We grew up playing basketball together at St. Catherines in EK, middle school, high school, alternative high schools, programs together. Troubled youth. I have this specific memory of him from years ago. I believe I wrote about it in my last blog post, about watching somebody get curb stomped. I was a lost kid, me and my friends aimless, drifting from group to group. Ended up spending a lot of late nights in EK wandering the streets. This night specifically, there were about 7 of us. A homie of mine was interested in writing graffiti, and this was before music, so graffiti was basically my identity. So we met up at his house, where my friend had a group of heads over, and they were partying, selling, and just going off. He lived with his parents, which speaks volumes, because at this time in my life, everyones parents gave up...nobody gave a fuck, except mine, but they couldn't control me. One thing leads to another, my boy wanted to go bombing. So we leave his house with our paint, and just take the streets, 5 reckless kids fallowing us on skateboards and bikes. Wasted, loud, rowdy, reckless, but as an outsider, I found a silver lining in their terror....it was a middle finger to the society that never gave them a chance. It was a brotherhood. This specific kid, at this point, was in and out of county, witnessed him fighting over and over in school, and in the streets since day 1. We were walking tall through the backroads in EK....they were spray painting cars...houses...anything. No fucks given. Wasted...they were breaking windows...kicking dents in BMW’s. Playing music off the phone...they were all they got. Another group of kids ended up on the same block....and they went off. A fight broke out....and I have this specific memory of boy ripping his shirt off, passionate, raging with anger, to protect his brotherhood, his street crew, his family. Being around him since I was a little kid, school, ball, mutual friends....I never got to know him deeper than this...but I would always see him and just salute his pride, and his will to stand on his actions, and his will to fucking fight for who and what he loves. Rest In Power fam. A lot of homies reading this from EK who follow my music...yall know who I am talking about. I never got to know this man - but I salute him for how much of HIM HE REALLY WAS. I remember in 2006, I was a freshman in high school, and my cousin ended up in a fight with a senior over a friend who passed away. My cousin was intoxicated during this time, in school, and I ended up beating the dog shit out of this senior as a young kid. These EK boys were the only ones who showed love, who stood tall behind me, making sure I was good, safe, and assuring me I was doing the right thing. Cant let your family go down like that. Rest In Peace man.

Last year, days before Tsu Surfs album Seven 25 dropped, he doubled back and we hit the studio and recorded a song called “Make You Proud”. He dropped the album very shortly after and it went #2 on iTunes in under 24 hours, and I was sure I wasn't going to see that man ever again. A year later, here we are...a day before he drops this joint project with Mozzy...that debuted at #5 on itunes, were dapping up at a film set in Queens, NY to film the music video. A YEAR LATER, this man gave a fuck enough to pull up and bless my career with this video. That meant a lot to me. I specifically remember feeling alone, hopeless, in some of the darkest moments of my life. Just listening to his tape over and over and over....running laps at the track at Mader Dei Highschool. It gave me hope, it motivated me to get over the feelings that were weighing me down. My life was changing, and this eased the pain. Nobody likes the motions of change if it includes losing people you love....losing the ability to do things you love...and going places you love. You have to find new health, new wealth, and new routines. My new found routine was coffee in the morning...spending an hour studying the industry...listening to my podcasts...then immediately running laps listening to his tape. Anything after that was subjective. Nowadays its basketball instead of running laps....but it gave me health. Mentally and physically. I could collect my thoughts. I could hear real stories....being gunned down 5 times and bouncing back...then charting. Here we are. On set....once again with Rob...my brother on the directing tip. My new lovely friend Victoria, who's a beautiful, ambitious, ride or die artist of her own. Robs pops. Mike Oliva, who is a SAVAGE photographer and film maker himself. It was a trip. Over the past year, kids at bars, hardcore shows, normals, civilians, people from all over and the world have been DMing me about simply just a teaser and a photograph of me and Surf in a studio. With Albee Al, Casanova, Cage - its all a specific group of people. Mainly mainstream music consumers...radio listeners...people who are tapped into Instagram and culture. But with Surf - Ive had the pleasure of speaking to people from all walks of life. Old hardcore friends telling me how much his movement has touched their lives...so wild. I was late to his wave...Belv actually told me to tap in and do it, and that's my brother so I made sure I did for the team. We drank hot chocolate and coffee, listened to our favorite music so loud, have such great conversations, got amazing footage that im so proud of, and just overall killed the mission. Nothing makes me more happy. This was a moment for me....because for the first time...im not in silly poppy clothes...im myself...im spitting bars on it...I feel and look like the person who was painting freights in 2007. And that is very important to me. Sometimes you can get swallowed by the wave youre riding...and I am guilty of that. It influenced so much of me...and recently I said look...fuck all this. Fuck everything except for whatever inside me still lingering before back and forth. Because if those passions, those tendencies, those people, are still here and within me...theyve been growing all this time, strong, sticking by me, and that's me. Shitty hoodie. Airmaxes or vans, shitty hat, stupid hair, cutty as fuck, smiling. dirty skateboard kid just trying be great man. I miss my old Mercer Ave skate crew. Its been years. 

Im starting to go through a new awakening where im witnessing the ones around me unfold in such a distasteful manner. Its pretty crazy to spend time with people, face to face, and have dinner, coffee, laughing with each other one on one....and in my head at the same time think...this mother fucker dead ass hates me. Wants to kill me. Wants me to fail. Fucks heavy with EVERYONE who has done wrong to me. Has talked shit behind my back. Has stabbed me in the back. And they are such fucking clowns....they don't know that I know...and they don't even comprehend that im being a bigger person and not addressing shit below me, because I don't have room for shit like that in my life. This is the time where people fuck with you one foot in, for opportunity, to hit a lick, to keep the link, to get to the people you fuck with. It is literally so easy to show love...and yet people close to you just won't. Its an interesting concept. I am fortunate in the sense that I am self made, self built, and already a black sheep. If everybody in my life turned their backs, it wouldn't touch my career. So therefore, I don't have this fuckery nature in my behavior. I don't fuck with you, I don't fuck with you. Thats it. Im learning you cannot trust people who fuck with you one foot in....because that means they're prepared to step away at any moment when you're down. They don't got your back. They are around people who drag your name through the mud, and they allow it. AT BEST...since they have one foot in....theyll tap in and say such and such said this....but why didn't you defend me? Why were they okay with these actions with you? Because your friend has their other foot with the opps. Fuck these types of people. Forever. Ive been seeing people put up with this behavior, and I figured id speak on it, because its been on my mind. You don't have to get treated like shit to fit in. Truth is, your friends are probably wack. Your friends probably hate you. Your friends don't want you to do better than them. And no, it doesn't matter how long you've known them. Most relationships stem and grow out of convenience, and lack of change, lack of ambition, lack of dreams and goals. I always thought, its actually very easy to be a good friend when they need you...in moments of tragedy and misery. Because that doesn't shake your foundation, and make you realize you aint shit. It doesn't challenge your framework. Its harder for most people to be a good friend when their friend is celebrating success, because the human nature is to compare, and sometimes that can be a mirror reflection of how you AINT SHIT. Recognize these people and cut this cancer out of your system. Or if you are this person, we all have been at one point, cone to terms with how wack you are and be a good person lmao. I want to see my plumbing friend look me in the eyes and go “im the best plumber in this area and im gunna kill this job and make a living for my family and buy a BMW”, just like I want to see my graphic designer friends believe after their hard work that they're qualified OVER SOMEONE ELSE for their job, to make a great living. Just like I want to see a musician, or rapper, talk his shit and believe in themselves, go platinum, and make a great living and buy a Range. Being around greatness inspires me, never scares me. I love being at the bottom, it amps me up. It gets me going. It gets me off. I love the fight, the grind, the game. Whether its music, or washing windows in the freezing dead of winter for commission to pay for fucking studio time to be where I am right the fuck now boiiiiiii. 

Me and Belv have some crazy shit coming. That is all. Okay bye. 

[thingsandtrichotillomania]

Shit  Hit The Fan

It all started 3 days ago (6/26). I had hung out with this guy named Eric and it was really nice. Previously that day it had stormed really bad so our electric was out for two hours but he showed up anyways and it finally turned on maybe half an hour later. Then we made cupcakes as I promised and then sat in my room at watched a bunch of comedians on Netflix. Idk how it happened but we ended up cuddling and it was really nice.

Later that day when I had’ come over to Eddie’s house Eric text me saying he had a good time that day and then he confessed he liked me. I mean I could obviously tell but still. I said I was scared because I’ve never had a guy who treated me nicely and didn’t want this to be the same. He said I deserved better and I said I had no idea what to do about Eddie.

I then said how I’ve dated every guy I’ve ever really talked to. Matthew (tho we had never talked before dating, I didn’t even know him, smart move past me), Edward (I didn’t even DATE him but might as well have called it that), and now him. He said he just wants me to be happy which is so nice.

I said I don’t know what to do as I haven’t had a real relationship in almost 2 years. He asked when we could meet bc he wanted to talk about it in person and he wanted to do something that would help us decide. I instantly knew what that something was. He eventually told me anyways and I could tell over text we were both nervous.

Lastly I said I was scared bc what if things didn’t click and he said they probably would immediately because even cuddling was amazing. So that was Tusday.

THEN YESTERDAY on Wednesday (6/27) we met up again as we agreed at the park and I had told him what had happened the other day (Ed said I can’t give him any more blow jobs just bc I said no and then I wasn’t allowed to stay the night anymore etc) and then his friends called and he had to go get some weed stuff so I sat at the park by myself for a bit till they came back. Then I sat by myself over by the swings pretty much until his friends left bc I’m not good with strangers and stuff. 

After his friends left we chilled at the park before I had to pee so we walked over to my dad’s house and I went pee and stuff. Then we chilled in the living room and listened to music and finished watching a thing on Netflix. Cuddled some and then he told me to sit up and I knew what what was going to do. I sat up and he kissed me I could have sworn I had stopped breathing. 

So yeah. He kissed me. And then we kinda laid there for a bit and then maybe an hour or so later I was just laying there and he kissed my neck once and I was like nuuu. He asked why but I was too shy to say anything and so he got this grin on his face and was like I’m not going to stop till you tell me why. And me being brave at this moment was like I’m not going to stop you and so yeah. He did and it was really fucking nice. Like I haven’t been that happy about anything physical in years. It was like making out after a really long time or something. Who knows.

So later on before I went back to Eddie’s he’s texting me saying like he’s really happy and stuff. He was like it wasn’t my first intention to get you all hot and bothered and I laughed bc I’ve never heard it that way before. I said I wasn’t and I was like well now you know my neck is sensitive and he was like you totally were and apparently its my neck and thighs. I was like it wasn’t that bad and he agreed but he said my physical reactions are perfect and I always got confused on why people said that so I asked to elaborate.

Apparently like if a certain spot gets touched or kiss my body will tense but not in a bad way and I guess my face was also full of like happiness and excitement. I got so embarrassed XD. But yeah. That happened. But now...

KEEP  THOSE PARTS IN MIND BECAUSE THIS IS WHERE THE SHIT HITS THE FAN NOW OKAY??h

Yep. I go back over to Eddie’s house (though a part of me was saying that I really didn’t want too and I didn’t because I was too happy) around 8 last night and we all chill and like two more people come over and we have fun. Since I had gotten like 4.5 hours of sleep the previous night on Tuesday I decided to sleep around 1 am. I did for about an hour or so and I wake up.

 So now it’s 2 am on Thursday (TODAY) and I’m woken up because Eddie came into the room with the other two. I eventually get him to lay down around 3 am or so but he starts grabbing my ass and stuff. I’m too tired to care at this point but I know I should have stopped him there. I’m faced towards him as I was trying to sleep but I couldn’t because my body decided that what he was doing was feeling good and now I have adrenaline. 

Before I know it I feel his lips ON MINE KISSING ME. I was so fucking shook because you all know how he’s been like ‘trying to over come his exs’ and that’s why he never kissed or made out with me but HERE HE IS, LAST NIGHT OF ALL NIGHTS. I had previously decided that I was going to drop him but now he does this shit and my stupid ass KISSES HIM BACK and now WE’RE MAKING OUT. Like the way he does with like tongue and shit and again, before I know it he’s asking me really quietly, because there were two other people in the room if I wanted another chance. 

He was talking about a blow job. I ALREADY FELT SHITTY FOR MAKING OUT WITH HIM but guess who was living off of adrenaline and 4.5 hours of sleep at that point? Me. But I can’t blame being tired or anything because I was conscious enough to say no.

But I said yes so we went into the living room and I gave him a bj (something I thought I’d never do again) but it was short. When I said I was done I was fucking broken on the inside. He got up though and laid on top of me and began to grind and god that felt so good too, I didn’t stop him. 

When everything was finally done I had gone into the bathroom and cried a little. I was so disgusted with myself and actually had almost puked. I was texting Eric because I had sent a message saying I was the worst person in the entire world. So I sat there on the floor until Eddie came in and asked why I was just sitting there and he asked who I was texting at 4 in the morning.

I didn’t wanna say but eventually I had told him it was Eric because he kept asking to see what it was and who it was and I DIDNT wanna show him.

At this point I KNEW that shit was going to hit the fan this morning. Eddie asked why I was texting him and I said just finishing a convo from earlier since I was awake and I still didn’t let him see. He jokingly asked if I had caught feelings for him but I shook my head no but the tears said differently. He asked what was wrong and wouldn’t let me sleep till I told him. 

So I gave him a watered down version saying I had kind of liked Eric ju st a little. He said to pack my stuff and go after we go swimming tomorrow. I said I understood but he wanted to keep it going and said go make out and cuddle with him bc that’s why I didn’t show him the messages and stuff. I said we’re not even dating bc we aren’t. He said I was just like all his other ex’s and he’s right. 

He said he didn’t know if we were going to be friends after today either. He said all this worrying about me finding a gf and I should have been the one who was being questioned.

THIS BITCH OF A SENTENCE MADE ME MAD THOUGH. I KNOW FOR A FACT he’s talk talking to this 14 year old girl named Alyssa so I don’t understand why he can talk to her but I can’t talk to someone I like. He doesn’t know that I know about Alyssa and the heart eyes and shit. But anyways.

He said I need to leave today and I said I know. He was like you’re acting too calm and I was like I’m sobbing. He said he was getting flash backs from his ex’s now and that it was all my fault which it was. 

And that’s it. I called Eric and cried for about half an hour before realizing I should probably go to the bedroom bc their mom gets ready for work at 6:30 and and it was almost 6. I hung up and went in there and laid down and by some way I slept for like another 4 hours. So the past 48 hours I’ve slept maybe a total of 10 but even that’s a stretch.

So yeah. I’m a piece of shit human who fucked up really badly last night. I’m just so surprised on how Eric took it. He was like I’m not mad, just jealous if anything. I don’t deserve him or anyone good tbh. 

I’m so tired now. I’m probably just gonna get my shit together and text/call dad to see if he can come get me because it’s almost 12 in the afternoon so I know someone is awake. The people here probably won’t be up until at least 1 pm because that’s when we were supposed to go swimming. I’m not going obv.

Eric said he wants to hang today to cheer me up so I might do that. Who knows. I’m just so done with everything.

Thanks for reading my awful life choices. 

June 28th, 2018

[lusciousbeast-blog]

219.

Initially, writing about getting married seemed like a GREAT idea. Now, judging by the fact that I’ve barely managed to write once every six weeks or so, the whole thing seems rather pointless. Even now, my brain is really struggling to put a sentence together, due mostly in part to the fact that it’s completely clogged, courtesy of my overconsumption of cheese and eggnog over the past few weeks (if you haven’t tried the Harmony Organic Eggnog, do yourself a favour and get some next Christmas– it’s fucking incredible).  

Time feels like it’s racing. Normally, when I have something really big to look forward to, everything seems to grind to a halt. Not so when you’re planning a wedding. We are now officially less than 8 months away from getting hitched. Now, I know 8 months to most people probably seems like a long time, but when I think it’s been more than that since we got back from Zimbabwe, it’s mental to me. While I’m obviously ridiculously excited to be marrying Craig, the anxiety that has come along with all of it, is overwhelming. So much so, that when I started seeing a naturopath recently, she told me that to her, my body seems like it’s in a constant state of Fight or Flight.

 (In all likelihood, this is something that has been building for a while, long before Craig asked me to be his forever person).

Most of my adult life has been spent planning the next big event to look forward to, while juggling multiple jobs and constantly changing my mind about what I want to be when I grow up. Not one to settle into one thing too easily, (I get SUPER bored if I’m under stimulated), I think it’s all catching up to me now.

When reading all the magazines and other stuff that is the creation of the gazillion dollar wedding industry, I have yet to see an honest account of the “not so pretty” bits of planning what is often billed as the BIGGEST EVENT OF YOUR LIFE.  So that’s going to be my mission today – sharing with y’all some of the things that to date, have almost broken me. In no particular order, here we go.

 BUILDING A WEDDING WEBSITE

Back in the summer, Craig and I were at an audition for a show that was looking for a real-life couple to co-host. While in the waiting room,  we ran in to some friends of his, and he told them about our engagement. After congratulations were given, the husband offered some advice – enjoy every second of it, and know that you will likely get into one big ‘ish fight during the planning process.

SUPER!

When it came to invites, we decided to scrap the whole paper invite thing. For one, because it seems like such an absurd waste of paper, and two, that money could be better spent on say, the open bar, or our photographer, or our kick ass wedding band, or pretty much ANYTHING.  

I’d also perused a bunch of websites and thought it would be a creatively fulfilling process. WRONGO!

After doing the initial research as to what were the most user friendly and aesthetically pleasing sites to use, I started my trial with WeddingWindow. After running into bumps early on (difficulty with picture layout and such), I moved on to (and quickly ditched) WedSite, SquareSpace, Wix and Luvbirds,  before finally deciding to bite the bullet and use Riley and Grey, because they were having a Black Friday 50% off sale. All the sites I tried before them were missing key elements, or were annoying when it came to picture layout and such. Riley and Grey looked very promising, and was going very smoothly, until I tried to upload the picture for the Welcome page, and was met with the spinning wheel of death on my computer screen. This went on for several attempts, at which point I sent a very choicely worded, totally passive aggressive email to customer support, outlining my issue, and explaining, “politely” that what was supposed to be a fun part of an even more fun event, was filling me with rage and almost resulted in my basically brand new computer meeting a premature death.

The gentleman from their support team who got back to me fairly quickly, was incredibly apologetic and spewed out a bunch of tech speak the jist of which, was telling me that they’d just switched their photo editing platform, because Adobe (who powered it previously) basically sucked. I responded with a huge thank you, that I hadn’t quite pulled all my hair out yet, and that he’d saved my iMac from being chucked off my balcony.

I’m pleased to report that the website is now finished, filled with loads of fun pictures and information, and that I checked that fucker off my list.

 THE DRESS

Hm. The Dress. Turns out that buying off the rack is probably the simpler way to go. I’ll keep it simple here by saying that after my first fitting with the dress maker (thankfully only with a cotton muslin version of it), something wasn’t sitting right. I looked frumpy, and the more I thought about it the more I panicked about moving forward with the current design. After much back and forth with my dressmaker (who is LOVELY) and a huge amount of very constructive input from my step-mother, I’m starting from scratch with a new, similar, but more modern and clean version of the initial inspiration I went in with. I was supposed to have the first consultation for this new look last week, but the good old TTC (Toronto’s transit system) ensured that I missed that appointment, even though I gave myself almost two hours to get there. World Class City, incredibly sub-par public transport.

I will report on the progress in the early part of the new year.

 THE TIMELINE

Between all the different weddings I’ve attended and the ones I’ve worked, you’d think I’d have the timeline down. It’s proven to be one of the most anxiety inducing parts. Largely, I think, due to the fact that when I think about things like walking down the aisle with 150 people watching, and giving a wedding speech, I want to throw up a little. My cousin - who is an actor - shared this sentiment when she told me that in spite of her comfort with performing, the thing that she was most unprepared for on her wedding day, was how uncomfortable she felt in the above- mentioned situations. So, I guess it’s normal? Regardless, wanting to make sure people aren’t bored at ANY point, is a big deal. From what I’ve witnessed, most wedding timelines aren’t fully adhered too anyway. This doesn’t change that fact that I think it’s hilarious and sad all at the same time, that someone (me) who organizes the hell out of her life, crumbles at the thought of putting together a timeline, for ONE DAY.

 THE GUEST LIST

Craig can confirm, that barely 48 hours after he proposed, while we were on the flight from Harare to Victoria Falls, I’d already done a rough guest list. Initially I think we both thought we’d be able to contain it to 120 or so people. At last count, I think we’d invited 182 (including kids, who may get left behind).  Our guest list seems to have exploded, and we don’t even have big families to blame! What we feel very confident about however, is that we have the makings for one of the best parties, ever. We both agreed that looking back we’d be more regretful of certain people not being there, than the money we saved trying to contain things. After all, your wedding day is quite possibly the only other time apart from your funeral, where you can bring all the people you love most in the world, together at the same time, and THAT my friends, is pretty awesome.

 QUESTIONING EVERY LITTLE GOD DAMN BIT OF YOUR LIFE

Perhaps it has more to do with the fact that our wedding date is uncomfortably close to when I will turn 40, but the past few months have been filled with self-doubt, fear of the future, questions about my choice (or lack thereof) in career path, guilt over the way I handle certain situations, etc. etc. etc. If it can be doubted, it seems I will doubt it! Thankfully, the one thing I have not doubted, even for one second, is my choice in partner. I am reminded of this on a daily basis. I have managed to find someone who indulges my every impulse (from buying Wally’s World Mugs to drink eggnog out of while watching Christmas Vacation, to immediately agreeing to spontaneous road trips to visit friends, to jumping into the gorge of Victoria Falls attached to a bunjee chord), embraces all my quirks, and stands by patiently, as I anally retentively count every piece of rice his 11 yr has just dropped on the floor while eating take out. That, my friends, is called HITTING THE JACK POT.

 ACKNOWLEDGING THAT CERTAIN THINGS MAY NOT GO AS PLANNED

When I wrote this (last week) I was on a train to Morrisburg to start our Christmas rounds with family and friends. On New Years Eve, I barely made it to midnight, was having body aches and chills, and was dealing with an angry back.

The next night, Jan 1st, 2018, I could barely move without feeling like someone was stabbing me in the back.

Here comes the raw truth of what has been going through my mind now, for several months. I’m TERRIFIED of dying. Always have been.  Even more so now that I have a wedding date a little less than 8 moths away. Usually an optimist, now that I have a date looming I can’t help but think about all the possible ways the universe might interfere with me actually getting to that day.

On January 1st, I felt like death. Exhausted from all the visiting, and over indulging, and sleeping in older, not so supportive beds, AND dealing with INTENSE back pain, as well as an upset stomach, my mind got flooded with memories of my mother when she was going through chemo. Before I knew what was happening, I was uncontrollably sobbing, because I am SO scared of ever having to go through it too.  I don’t know how long this lasted, but I can tell you in that moment, when Craig held me and let me cry so hard I was hyperventilating (at which point he helped calm me down, you know, so I could breathe), I’ve never been more certain that this one part of my life, is super solid. Craig is there with me in my most vulnerable moments, free of judgement, always.

The next morning, after another sleepless, pain filled night, I found out that a contract I’ve had for 4 and half years, was coming to an end, due to a network re-brand. A day I knew would come eventually, just with really sucky timing in this case. Again, Craig was there at my side as I cried. And cried. And cried some more.  In my “PLAN,” this job would have kept going at least until the end of the year, allowing me a little breathing room after I got married, to figure out my next move.

It was not to be.

Today, I’m feeling a little more optimistic. I’ve had a few different physical therapy sessions on my back, and am trying to look at the bright side of not being bound to a weekly gig. I’m choosing to put my energy into focusing on what’s next, the possibilities that await, and mostly, that I have the partner I do, to move through all the unknown with.

What has this got to do with the wedding?

We can try and plan the shit out of this wedding, but the reality is, some things might get dropped along the way, or may not go down exactly the way we picture it in our heads, because that’s life.

Chances are the one thing I can guarantee, is that I will be a blubbery mess (tears of joy obvi) because I get to marry Craig , surrounded by most of my favourite people on the planet. Can’t get much better than that really.