#and fucking up the violin bit and not getting sayings right and being so bad at talking and literally WHINING when he wants something

[sleepy-crypt1d]

love people making jack this suave sexy put together badass like babe we are talking about a man who canonically wont say fuck and says "yahtzee" when hes excited

[zerobaselove]

zb1 reaction to you getting dressed up ♡

pairing: zb1 x reader

genre: fluff mostly?

warnings: some swearing in gunwook's, kind of suggestive in matthew's, some mentions of feminine styled clothing throughout some scenarios lowercase intended, not proofread

notes: i got so fucking carried away with hao's im SORRY... i also wrote half of these like weeks ago so you can definitely tell there is a difference between some of them but its FINE im sorry for being so ia work is kicking my ass </3

jiwoong ;

"are you ready?" jiwoong's light squeeze of your hand pulled you from your thoughts and back to the surreal reality you were living. it was your first time joining your boyfriend, jiwoong, on the red carpet for a film premiere, and to say you were anxious was an understatement. what if you looked bad? what if you said something stupid or what if the paparazzi thought you were a waste of their time, and footage. what if you embarrassed yourself, or worse, jiwoong.

as if the man could sense your nerves, he grabbed your chin gently to make you face him. "you're gonna do great, i promise." he planted a kiss on your temple, "and you look gorgeous, in case you needed the reminder."

it was all a bit of a blur; getting out of the car and immediately being bombarded with camera flashes and calls of your names. they wanted to see your face, and yet you could barely take your eyes off the floor, too worried that you would stumble. the only thing keeping you sane was jiwoong's arm around your waist, guiding you down the cherry red carpet lined with smiling faces. they were all smiling at you two.

once you had made it to the photo zone you had started to feel a bit better. the compliments thrown your way had helped ease the remaining worries, along with jiwoong's words as he leaned down to whisper in your ear. "look, they love you," he shifted his weight, posing slightly for the camera before leaning down briefly again, " i love you."

in another blur of flashes, you had ended up at the door of the building, the end of the red carpet. jiwoong removed himself from your side for the first time that night, rushing ahead to get the door for you.

"jiwoong," you giggled, "i could've gotten the door on my own." he simply shook his head, ushering you in before returning his arm to your waist, "looking like that? it's the least i could do," he took another glance at the designer dress hugging your skin in a way he was sure inspired some of the greatest renaissance paintings, "i should be kissing the ground you walk on."

you let out a chuckle at the dramatic antics of your boyfriend, "just kiss me instead." and so he did.

zhang hao ;

to say you were bored would be an understatement right now. you were happy for your sister getting married, there was no question of that, but being the little sibling meant you didn't really have anyone to hang out with at the wedding, with the guestlist being 50% family you either didn't recognize, or didn't feel like spending the night with, and the other 50% being friends of your sister and her partner's own friends.

so here you stood, hugging the wall near the band, at least letting the music drown out some of the boredom and gossiping family. it was loud enough that you didn't hear when a person approached you, lightly tapping you on the shoulder. as you turned to face the stranger, you realized it wasn't a stranger at all. it was zhang hao.

he had always been a close family friend; the kind that you spent hours with in the pool as kids, the one that you were seatmates with in the 3rd grade. the one who went to a different highschool, and the one who eventually you only heard of through his accomplishments and conversations ending with "you could learn a thing or two from him." you missed him.

"hao!" you smiled at the familiar face, "what're you doing here?" you couldn't hide the confusion.

"well your sister invited my family, but she also hired me to play the violin for her reception!" he smiled sheepishly, hating the way it felt like bragging in front of his, unknown to you, childhood crush. to say he was struggling to keep it together right now was an understatement, but thankfully you seemed oblivious to his wandering eyes and stuttering words as you continued chatting.

as the night led on the dance floor had turned into drunk adults and their sober kids running around, chased by the designated babysitter of the night. "do you wanna get out of here?" hao offered, glancing around the room. you couldn't help the excitement at the offer, having been waiting for an out for a while now. "let's go."

the two of you had said your goodbyes, excusing yourselves for the night, some excuses of tiredness or early classes the next day; they didn't have to know it wasn't true.

and that's how the two of you ended up at a bingsu place, getting strange glances from other customers at your rather formal attire. but as the two of you laughed over your strawberry dessert, you couldn't care less what others thought of you, to you it was just the two of you in the room. and it seemed he felt the same way, because as you were leaving, he slipped his own hand into yours without saying a word.

the two of you walked in a comfortable silence for a moment, "has anyone told you how gorgeous you look tonight y/n?" he looked at you for a moment before stopping, still holding your hand as he waited for you to meet his eyes. "is this you telling me you think i look nice?" you giggled, trying to push your beating heart down, to no avail.

"it is," he smiled, leaning in slowly, "can i?" his eyes glanced between your eyes and your strawberry stained lips. realizing what he was asking, you didn't even nod before leaning in the rest of the way, placing a kiss on his lips. "is that a good enough answer?" you smiled, dragging him along the sidewalk as his cheeks flushed impossibly darker. maybe tonight wasn't so boring after all.

hanbin ;

"does this look alright?" you asked as you rounded the corner of the hallway, gesturing to your outfit that you had picked out for this last minute date.

"alright?" hanbin started, taking a moment to close his hanging jaw at the soft fabric that hugged your frame in all the right places. "you look perfect, my love." he couldn't stop himself from wrapping his arms around your waist, pressing a kiss to your lips, not even worrying about the gloss that would end up on his own.

despite the voice in your head telling you to ditch the date and just stay in with your lips attached to his, you pulled away, looking up at the boy with a small smile. "let's get going, handsome." you giggled as you headed to the front door, strapping on a pair of heels.

"i'll be just a second," he smiled, "you can take the keys and start the car." you hummed in approval as you grabbed the pair of car keys off the hook on the wall, the small hamster keychain making a faint clinking noise against the metal of the keys.

it wasn't long before hanbin had joined you in the car and your date had begun. hanbin couldn't seem to go more than a few minutes without letting his gaze wander over your frame or sending compliments your way. even now that you were sat on the hood of the car looking over the sunset, he couldn't help but observe you in all your beauty. "are you cold?" he asked softly, noticing your body shivering when the breeze picked up. you attempted to shake your head in assurance that you were alright, but before you could, the boy had disappeared.

moments later he reappears from behind the car, your favourite jean jacket and sneakers in his hand. "no need to be uncomfy this late into the night!" he beamed, draping the jacket over your shoulders as he knelt down to help you change out of the dressy shoes you had been walking around in all night.

"where did you pull these out of?" you smiled at the boy in front of you, tying your shoes as he hummed a tune. "i packed them before we left, what did you think i was doing when i told you to get in the car?" he giggled, standing up in front of you, settling into the space between your legs. "sung hanbin," you breathed out, grabbing the collar of his shirt lightly and planting a kiss on his lips, "i love you."

matthew ;

“c’mon slowpoke,” your boyfriend teased, swinging around the corner into your shared bedroom as you were putting on the finishing touches of jewellery. you chuckled as you muttered a small rebuttal, the teasing remark seemingly falling on deaf ears as he made his way towards you. his hands snaked around your waist as he pulled you flush to his figure, only briefly making eye contact through the mirror before burying his head in the crook of your neck. “matt,” you sighed, trying to keep your composure as you could feel his breath ghost over the tops of your collarbones, “don’t start something you can’t finish.” you warned lightly, sensing the smirk on his lips as he breathed out a response. “you know finishing is never a problem,” the sound on your skin nearly sent shivers down your spine. your hand came up to run through his hair, lightly tugging on the strands between your fingers, “this is your reunion you know? wouldn’t wanna show up late.” you tried to convince him, and yourself, that the event was worth giving up the path this could lead down. he only hummed in discontent, reluctantly pulling away, his hands still wrapped around the small of your waist. “how am i supposed to let everyone else see you all dressed up like this.” he whined, linking your hands, still in front of the mirror, unable to pull his eyes off you, in all your beauty. “my perfect baby.” you couldn’t help but shake your head, which only caused the boy to spin you around to face him. “y/n, i mean it when i say this,” he pressed his lips to yours, “you are the most beautiful person i’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing,” another kiss connected the two of you, “and i am so god damn lucky to call you mine.” his smile was wide, this time pressing a kiss to your temple, “now let’s get going, don’t wanna be late.”

taerae ;

“you must be taerae!” you smiled, watching as the man you had been messaging for the last week walked towards you, seemingly more handsome than in the pictures on his dating profile. “and you must be y/n!” his smile mirrored yours, a deep dimple appearing on his face; the cherry on top of his already perfect looks. his hair was parted just off centre, his brown hair in combination with the tan plaid jacket he wore made him seem so welcoming and rather soft; like a teddy bear. he took in your outfit, a sleek and well fitting outfit, as if made just for you. a stark contrast from the outfits you typically wore, the ones in the pictures he had seen. it wasn’t a bad difference, but now he wasn’t sure how to even form coherent thoughts and sentences, let alone attempt to impress you on this first date. “would you like to head in?” he managed to stutter out, his nervousness becoming more apparent. “i’d love to,” you giggled as he opened the door, gesturing you in like you were royalty. “why thank you kind sir.” the two of you were a giggling mess as you walked into the restaurant. the two of you were escorted to your seat soon after, making small talk as you glanced over the menus in front of you. the conversation between the two of you flowed seamlessly, floating from topic to topic, only stopping to order. as the night went on, the two of you kept finding yourself erupting in laughter and beaming smiles as you found more and more in common; even your humour was well suited for each other. you almost forgot how nervous you were for the date, feeling more comfortable around him by the second. he couldn’t help but feel the same, despite the lingering stutter if he looked at the colour of your lipstick too long, or the way your eyes seemed to glimmer in the light shining on your table. in what felt like a blink of an eye, dinner was over and taerae was insisting that he would get the bill, despite your protests. “okay fine,” you lowered your head in defeat, “but that means i’m getting the next one!” you grinned, watching as the boys ace flushed a deep pink almost immediately. “next?” he stuttered out, trying to hide his joy at the prospect of another date. “unless you don’t want to go out again,” you teased. “no no!” he quickly objected, “i’d love to go out again.” you hummed with a smile, boldly reaching out to grab his hand as you exited the restaurant. “good! because i’d be quite disappointed if i never got to see you again.”

ricky ;

"ricky i can't wear this out, i'm going to ruin it!" you exclaimed from behind the bedroom door, loud enough for your boyfriend to hear you from where he sat in the living room. you had let ricky pick out your outfit for your date today, and he in typical ricky fashion, picked something that you were sure was worth more than the apartment you stood in, and it was white.

you could hear his laugh through the wall along with what you assumed was a shake of his head, "you'll be fine y/n, we are just going to the museum, i don't think anything will get you there." as if sensing your argument, he continued, "and if you do ruin it, we will get you a new one, okay? now show me my masterpiece!"

you couldn't help but shake your head at the response, what a ricky thing to say, you thought to yourself. but alas, you ran a brush through your hair one more time, spraying your favourite perfume and straightening out the clothes before opening the door.

it wasn't often you had seen your boyfriend stunned. as soon as his eyes found you, his phone was long forgotten on a couch cushion as he got up and slowly walked towards you, jaw agape.

"you look amazing," his voice trailed off, taking in every feature individually, causing your face to flush, "you always say that ricky," you argued. but he was having none of that, "well it's not my fault you can pull off everything." his hands traced the neckline of the shirt, moving to your necklace and then the outline of your collarbones.

it was almost quiet, with the exception of the heartbeat pounding in your ears as he studied every feature, as if to memorize every detail to recall later. it felt like you were burning under his gaze as you stood there, close enough to see his chest rising and falling.

"almost just wanna keep you here all to myself," he mumbled, "but i need everyone to see how pretty my partner is," he turned himself back to the couch to grab his phone before motioning you over to the full length mirror in the hallway. his hand snaked around your waist, pulling you in front of him so he could take a picture of you two in the mirror.

it wasn't until later that you saw why he took it. the picture welcomed you when you clicked his instagram story, a romantic love song playing over the image along with the caption that made your heart skip a beat. "the absolute prettiest, and all mine."

gyuvin ;

“gyu, where are you?” you called into the quiet apartment as you let yourself in with the spare key he had given you. “coming!” he called out from down the hall, you could hear his feet shuffle along the floor, the boy soon appearing before you with a wide grin. “what brings you here, my love?” he asked, his gaze wandering down your figure, taking in your semi-formal attire, his jaw going slack. “take a picture love, it’ll last longer.” you winked, a smug smile plastering your face. before you could even continue to explain your plans for the day he had pulled you in by the waist, “don’t tell me you’re leaving after showing up looking like this,” he mumbled into the crook of your neck. “i was just stopping to drop off some snacks for you,” you giggled at the ticklish feeling of his breath on your neck, “was passing by on my way to my cousin’s graduation and thought i’d say hello.” his face finally pulled away from your neck, facing you with a smile and flushed cheeks, “well, hello,” he beamed, “now ditch the graduation, i miss you.” you chuckled, wrapping your hands around his neck, placing a kiss on his lips, “i have to go gyu, but i can come over after dinner, movie night?” he only whined, sadly nodding his head at the idea. “how am i supposed to sit here waiting until tonight knowing you look this pretty out there without me?” your hands started playing with the hair on the back of his neck, leaving his lips to part slightly at the feeling. “fine,” he whined, dragging out the vowels like they could stretch the time with you just a bit further, “but you better come back to see me after.” he pouted, reaching down to play with your fingers. “i pinky promise,” you smiled, “now i have to go or i’m going to be late,” you planted a kiss on his cheek, “and gyu?” you asked, halfway out the door. “yes my love?” “leave some snacks for me!”

gunwook ;

"please pick up, please pick up." you mumbled between your shallow breaths, your shaking fingers pressing the call button next to gunwook's name. the phone only rung once before your best friends voice came through the speaker, "what's up? aren't you supposed to be on a date?" he asked, his voice laced with concern. "he stood me up," you sniffled, trying to put on a brave face, or voice, for the boy on the phone.

"oh i'll kill him," he muttered, "where are you?" he asked, you could hear him pulling his shoes and coat on over the phone. "i'm at that restaurant down by our boba spot, i'm walking home and just," your voice trailed off, why did you call him? "just wanted to hear your voice i guess." you concluded, so caught up in your thoughts that you didn't hear the door slam on gunwook's end.

the boy stayed on the phone with you, letting you rant as he stayed strangely quiet on the other end, but you didn't think much of it. that was until you saw a rather tall man running towards you, slowing down right in front of you. "hi" the simple phrase echoed between the phones and you nearly burst into tears at the sight of your best friend. you threw your arms around him and let the floodgates open.

his hands found their way around you, one rubbing your back gently as the other ran though your hair. "let it out, you're okay now." he kept repeating reassuring phrases as you babbled about how humiliated you felt. he just stood there comforting you, letting you have your moment in the middle of the sidewalk, illuminated by the streetlights lining the road.

"he's an idiot, y/n" he said calmly. you tried to argue, insisting that maybe you were the problem, maybe you weren't good enough, but that broke gunwook, and he wasn't about to let you say those lies about yourself.

"y/n, look at me," he pulled away, tilting your chin upwards to meet his eyes, "you are way too good for him, or for any man who would ever even consider hurting you or standing you up," he rambled on, "especially when you look like that." he gestured to you.

"look like what?" you questioned, just out of curiosity.

he shook his head, a blush creeping to his face, "like the person of my dreams, the most gorgeous and kind person to have walked the earth." you stood in shock for a moment, taking in the confession that you had been waiting years to hear, the confession that you thought would never come, and the reason you let yourself go on these dates with these shitty men.

"i like you." you blurted out, not even caring that this moment was accompanied by tear stains and running mascara. the boy smiled wide, "i like you too," he reached down to grab your hand, "so," he trailed off, "movie night at my place?"

"i would love nothing more."

yujin ;

"you really don't have to come y/n." your best friend yujin insisted, but you shook your head fervently, "and miss my best friend's graduation? funny joke yujin." you said sarcastically, "you got to come to mine so i get to go to yours, end of story."

and that you did. yujin's parents offered to let you join them, insisting you were like the daughter they never had. plus you loved chatting with his parents and little brother. "you look absolutely lovely today," yujin's mom said as you walked towards their car, a sheepish thank you leaving your mouth in response.

you got there just in time for the ceremony to start. soon enough yujin was being called up to the stage to receive his diploma. you and yujin's brother were doing the most, cheering and clapping to an almost obnoxious level while his parents held in a laugh as they took pictures of their oldest.

once the ceremony was over, yujin had found his way to you guys, greeting you with a light slap of the arm and a shy scolding for embarrassing him, causing all of you to erupt into laughter.

you all chatted together for a moment before you and yujin led into your own conversation. "who knew you had legs under those baggy jeans you always wear?" he laughed, now it was your turn to smack his arm lightly, "i dress up one time and this is what i get." you joked, shaking your head.

"you do look nice though," he continued, a genuine smile spreading across his face, and you smiled back. "you don't look to bad yourself, mr. high school graduate."

[stars-interlude]

Final duet~

a/n: AHHHHH IM SOOOOOOO HAPPPYY WITH ALL THE NOTES ON THE XIAO FIC TYYYYYSMM honestly i think that the xiao fic was way better than the kazuha fic but i love both of them anyways enjoy this Scaramouche fic (idek where this idea came from)

☆ Parings: Pianist!Scaramouche x Femviolinist!Reader

☆Tags/Warnings: slight angst (if you squint), NSFW!!, a little bit of cursing

synopsis; pianist Scara always plays solo right? until you get booked by the same people for the same event and the two of you have to work something out to play and with a lot of fights and disagreements about what to play for this event you two decide on the perfect duet and could this blossom into something more than just orchestra partners?

[💿]- now playing

Scaramouche always thought be would play solo. It’s just always been that way since he was young “You’ll be better by yourself” His mother would say. His opinion suddenly changed when you came into his life. He was in the practice room and suddenly you walked in “Oh, i’m sorry I’ll just go” you said before walking out “Wait who are you?” Scaramouche’s voice barely got your attention you turned back to him “i’m [name] and who might you be ?” you smiled as you introduced yourself “i’m Scaramouche it’s nice to meet you, I guess you must be going now” honestly you wanted to know more about him but you had other things to worry about.

As a recent you got booked for a wedding and you wanted to nail it down and of course you didn’t want to disappoint a couple on their big day. The wedding was in a month so you had time to practice as you were practicing you thought of how happy the people would be dancing to your melody it had already been an hour and that was enough for the day you thought.

When you got home you flopped into your bed and unexpectedly you get a text from the woman who booked you it was about how you would have to play with a pianist and she sent you his info and you looked and it was no other than that guy you saw today. You didn’t even have a second thought about him since you saw him earlier in the day. You look at the info and text him about practicing together and you to figured out a time and the practice room.

“Hi, it’s nice to see you again” Scaramouche says as you walk in “Yea it is” you didn’t want to rude or dry but you just really didn’t have much to say. When you two started playing Scara got really bossy “your messing up so much, Your playing it all wrong” the man got up from his piano bench to come over ‘to show you how to really play’ as he’s playing your violin you start to laugh because of how bad he was. He looks at you while your laughing and smiles, something you thought you’d never see. As the days of laughter and practice went on so did your relationship with Scara.

The day you were dreading finally came up the wedding. everything was going fine Scaramouche was playing piano before the bride went down the aisle and while she was walking you two were supposed to play the duet. Then you saw her and it was your time to play you were playing just like how you rehearsed. It was going fine until you played the wrong cord and Scara tried to match what you were playing but you messed up so hard that it screwed up how the bride walked. after that embarrassing scene the two of you go back to his car because he was the one who took you to the wedding.

“How could you mess up?” Scaramouche said with a stern voice “I didn’t mean to i’m sorry..” you didn’t know what more to say “we basically fucked up the whole wedding [name] you fuck up everything” he basically yelling at you for a mistake “Now how do I fuck up everything it’s your fault!” it was silent for a few minutes “it’s not just the music [name] you messed up how i saw music i’m supposed to be doing this solo” you looked at Scaramouche before you got out of his car “if you wanna be solo you can do this without me” as you walked away you could feel your breath get shaky and eyes teary

Being without Scara was interesting non of your other friends played instruments so you had to go to practice by yourself. as you play your favorites like you always did someone walked in and guess who Scaramouche “shit sorry” you had to process that it was him “Scara wait we need to talk” you put down your violin and walk up to him “[name] i’m sorry for what i said my anger got to the best of me” “i guess you could make it up to me”

Soon kisses turn to bites and Scaramouche ended up on his knees pleasing you “mmh Scara~ just like that hah” the aroma of rosin and sex was something you never imagined “[name] just wanna make you feel good~” Scara sucked and tongue fucked your cunt and you started grinding on his face involuntarily as the coil in your stomach tightened you could almost feel the wave of pleasure wash over you quickly. Scara got up and soon said “we should go back to my place”

[themissingchildfromhistory]

Just a few things on my mind that I haven't seen anyone talking about yet for The Umbrella Academy season 4......

1). I think it would have been drastically cooler if, when Ben spiked the sake with the marigold, everyone's powers got switched around. At least for a bit. Allison gets the knife thing, Viktor getting Ben's tentacles, etc. Mainly Diego getting Five's blink ability. That way the whole Lila-getting-lost-in-a-time-subway-with-a-Hargreevees actually makes sense. Her and Diego could have used that time to actually talk and spell out their grievances with each other, instead of the three sentence bullshit they got. Maybe they didn't speak to each other for a few months. But they slowly realized, hey. I do love you. I love you lots. Our lives aren't perfect, given all the trauma we've been through and how we were shoved into this normal domestic life (which isn't a bad thing, but definitely requires an adjustment time after what they're used to) but I still love you, and our life together. And our three kids, who all actually have names and importance.

1.5). WHAT HAPPENED TO THE RANDOM GUY/WAITER WHO GOT DRENCHED IN MARIGOLD SAKE FROM KLAUS?! DID HE GET POWERS TOO?? OR WOULD THE MARIGOLD HAVE TO BE INGESTED FOR THAT TO HAPPEN??

2). The mothers. They weren't all impregnated and gave birth on the same day, but that doesn't mean they possibly wouldn't go on to have children. And while the kids they had would have human/real fathers, that doesn't mean the Umbrellas couldn't have still been born. I think the ending would have been so much better if it showed all 8 of them in their respective homes living out their lives had their mother's given birth to them normally. Klaus in the Amish community, Ben in Korea, Viktor in Russia teaching violin, hell, maybe a few of them still managed to meet up somehow. Maybe we see the Sparrows too. Who knows. But just because this version of them "had" to die (that's obviously a whole bunch of bullshit on its own) doesn't mean they wouldn't somehow exist later, when and if their mothers decided to have kids.

3). I think Diego should have been there when Lila saw the kids off in the subway. Five being there and being the one to chase after her/comfort her was part of the whole grossness that was their relationship. Diego should have been able to say goodbye to all of this kids/family as well.

Other thoughts that don't particularly pertain to just season 4....

If Reginald was on Earth in the 1800s, why did it take him till 1989 to release the marigold and cause the Umbrellas/Sparrows/Phoenixes to be born??

What is the purpose of marigold??? Why did Abigail invent it??

If Durango is the side effect of creating marigold, are there others out there who have Durango instead of marigold?? Could some of the other 40 something kids born in 1989 have Durango instead of marigold??

If the whole goal was to eventually use marigold to.... reset the timeline? in the end of s3, why use it to impregnate women in the first place???? Why not just use the fucking marigold as is??!

What was the purpose of the league of generic men in season 2?? Why assassinate Kennedy?? I had originally thought the other 12 men were aliens like Reginald and they were in the rockets seen fleeing the other world. But clearly not

There's definitely more, but these are the most pressing ones I can think about right now. In conclusion season 4 was trash with a few good highlights thrown in and would have been better if the cast just put on a stage production in a high school auditorium

[scythegirl13]

sparkle and shine aka a really good song for edward twilight from the suckening

alright so this song...i cant stop listening to the full version like at all. THIS SHIT HITS!!! and i want to talk about some of the things ive noticed in the song because its really cool. everyone is loosely tied to an instrument and thats something i really enjoy

so lets talk about the saxophone that is always playing. the solo sax which i think is an alto really captures edwards whole mood. its a romantic sax part of course it will, buts it the way that the thing needs to be supported by multiple instruments, piano which is playing simple cords all the time, a lot of percussion like tamberine and drum kit thats really only doing only one thing, violins which go up and down in a really simple beat, and voices, which there are many. if this was just a sax song, it'd still be good by itself but it'd sound empty. i think that symbolizes how edward is good at what he does, but he cant do it alone. he needs people that are willing, people that need to be somewhat in the know.

the piano part screams mary because of how crucial something like that is. this instrument is a staple jazz instrument, as in a lot of other genres of music. she also completely stops playing whenever the sax goes into the higher registry or when that one string instrument plays. she stops helping him whenever he goes into a high, waits, then goes again. if im right, thats such a cool way to have mary as a characterization as the piano piece

bass = deacon, supports him, but you can barely hear him. i think he plays the entire time, even when that one string instrument has an 8 measure solo. i think thats why the bass symbolizes him, because he supports shilos instrument.

NOW SHILOS PART!!! HES THAT ONE INSTRUMENT I CANT FIGURE OUT AND IM GONNA GO NUTZO BECAUSE I THINK ITS SOME TYPE OF ASIAN STRING INSTURMENT. maybe its the violin but i wanna say the pipa because it has that ring to it. anyways thats me going crazy now to the good bits! edit: its not th pipa its a fucking harp...guys im stupid

the sax completely stops playing whenever the HARP plays, it has a nice solo that goes of the base melody but also does its own thing. its supplied whatever is given and goes on this cool solo thats really good, but after eight measures the sax comes back in with a click from a tamberine. i think that tamberine is supposed to represent renwick in that part because thats the queue to switch over because hes the one that revealed that there is a prince out there.

all the other saxes are the edward copies, they play the same part as him but dont follow him to where they are also as important as him. they make his long notes not sound that bad, they make his notes into a cord. long notes is sometimes where the music can get boring due to it being there for so long. the other saxes stabilize his note and make sure its not boring.

the voices i think are vampire society in general. they play the crucial role of also not making it boring, but take those voices out then all of a sudden it sounds really empty and not a lot of things are that interesting.

alr thanks for coming to my ramblings, hope im right because i luv jazz. might do this for some other songs but i think this one is important because it plays on the "if everyone banded together, he has no power" motif which i adore

[p0pcorn-hearts]

It's Kawaii~Chan time

I am gonna ramble about my rewrite so yknow, enter the theater with caution

I just wanna start off by saying I renamed her to Hanami, which is the Japanese word for flowers viewing, more specifically viewing cherry blossoms. I figured this fit her more "cutesy" design as well as her usually pink and white color pallette. Also excuse me if they look bad, these were made a bit ago and I, for some reason, decided it'd be best to use the mirror tool the entire time

So, for her Phoenix Drop High uniform I just redesigned the uniform and gave her the same every girl will have. I changed it to have a blazer and a longer skirt like actual school uniforms in America although I kept the socks, loafers, and bow because those all fit, I'm just also giving everyone the same pair of socks.

Her season 1 outfit has been drastically changed. I decided I wanted her to have a more lolita-esque style instead of just vaguely cute, and let's all be real here, her season 1 outfit sucked. So, I gave her a longer, puffier skirt, a shit ton of ruffles, and some cute gloves. I think now is also the time to have a little fun fact section about meif'was. Their nails and hair grow faster than humans, with their nails growing than both humans and werewolves. That's why Hanami has long nails and freakishly long hair

Next up is her adorable Love~Love Paradise outfit. I'm actually super happy with how it turned out and I'm in love with her little buns. Her bathing suit with all its ruffles was made up by me :D

Her Lover's Lane outfit is the one that went the most unchanged because it's honestly my favorite outfit of her's. It just looks the most visually appealing with the addition of dark pink being a primary color. I just changed the dress up a bit with the neckline and added ruffles

Starlight is honestly my favorite. There's just something about color block clothes that itches a scratch in my brain. The giant bow and see-through ruffles also added a lot. You cannot thank me though, I took this design from someone else's swimsuit. Her nails changing for the first time since season 1 and now having blue with the pink is also a nice nod to how she opens up to Zane about not really being herself

When Angels Fall. Oh God, When Angels Fall. I fucking *hate* their "disguises" in When Angels Fall. Buy I'll get into that later, right now, it's just Hanami. I didn't like her outfit much because she had literally never worn pants in the series before and to just suddenly toss her in a pair of jeans and t-shirt? Like it's supposed to show how drap everything is but why would she just have a t-shirt and jeans packed?? Starlight is an island resort and theme park, so most people will be wearing bathing suits, much more breathable fabrics than *jeans* and Starlight merch. That's why I gave her a different bathing suit bottom and a Starlight shirt. It's the least you can do when you're the most visually distinct character. She also is covered in bandages because cats, when stressed, will over groom and can injure themselves. So Hanami picks and scratches at her skin often due to stress so she has very chipped nail polish and is covered in bandages. Also she cut her hair (sad violin noises)

Her final outfit is for my "season 7". Jess hasn't made it but I want to eventually tie up my rewrite, so I'm making one. Me and my girlfriend refer to it as the "epilogue" although it's not really an epilogue, she just called it that once and I can't think of a better name. I gave her essentially a mix of her season 1 and Lover's Lane outfits because why not

Now that her designs are done I get to infodump about her personality (hehe)

She's basically the same as Kawaii~Chan, but I make her a better person. She doesn't manipulate Aphmau into joined her bakesale! She also tones down a lot, so while she still struggles with boundaries, especially when it comes to shipping, she doesn't have a fucking shipping shrine in her basement. She's also autistic in my rewrite, so her not getting boundaries, baking being her special interest, and her masking her behavior to fit what she thinks people want/expect of her all comes from that. Will I maybe end up projecting on her? With the shipping stuff yeah, but only because Aphmau and Kawaii~Chan made me think shipping people together until they stopped being friends with you was normal

So thats it, the exit to the theater is on the right, make sure to throw your trash away on the way out. Have a good day

[augment-techs]

prompts based on lines from fanfics that hit different after the tenth read

Slayer, Slayer, Monster Killer//Into the den//A blazing Inferno//Defender of the Innocent

Cauterize the wound.

Blood quickly began to fill the water.

Blue tint surrounding the lips.

He'd take jazz over a symphony, rock over jazz, and a crazy buscar in the tube station creating something insane with a violin, a beat box, and a pedal drum over rock.

I also wrote a gay version, if anyone wants it.

The thinness of the shoulder bothered him.

The curse was simple but badly done; convoluted and too mixed up with his own energies to be easily removed.

"Your parents are fucked up. I'm serious, that's Fucked Up."

With a coat like blood. Like cherries. Like candy.

"...Correction...I might be bleeding."

It was the best protection he could give.

"I can't believe you just called your own behavior petty harassment."

Cleaner than he'd been in eight months.

"Go curse somebody else. He doesn't belong to you--you can't have him."

Never had to initiate a virgin before.

The thought was idle.

Imagine if you will...

"The game is over. Do you understand?"

He was pissing blood.

"You asked for respect, I'm giving it to you."

Too tired and weak to fight properly.

"I haven't felt any strong emotions since I was a kid."

"What color is the sky right now?"

"So they will be the same age. So they can have adventures."

"I'm done keeping secrets for you."

"Sure. Why not take away the last thing I have left."

'Pretend.' It rattles in his brain.

No wonder people talked.

"Although this totally explains why you were in love with me like once a year for three years in a row."

"No, I do not have a scrunchie."

He'd never been brave enough.

"It's basically a game of sexual preferences."

It wasn't the personality serum, but it was some form of mind control.

It had been so goddamn long since they had heard any sort of tune at all.

"It's one of my grounding techniques."

"Please. Never say anything like that again."

He was also good at being randomly, devastatingly kind.

"I bet I could pick you up. Wanna see if I can?"

"I will not elaborate."

Carefully lit gym thirst traps.

He bit his fist, dried his eyes, and didn't make a sound.

"Because I am through with you. You aren't worth the effort."

Sees them glimpsed in mirrors and reflective surfaces; and the newest ones most often.

"Thanks for letting me feel alright for a bit."

It was homemade, and heavy, and hurt.

"You're not afraid?"

It was just as well.

"If I planted something on him there's a chance it could get lost."

"You're too good for me."

"Please. I don't want you to disappear again."

With an awkward, coltish sort of grace that makes her look decades younger than she is.

'Strange' is a family trait.

"Just want to rest with you. This is good."

"I shot my dad when I was fifteen."

Refreshing. Invigorating--where the fuck are these words coming from?

"Go find a nice ditch to crawl into and die there, not on our floor."

"I'm used to the cold, darling. Don't worry. There are worse things to endure."

"They gave us twenty dollars for nothing."

"Amazing, for once, your remarkable ability to repulse and horrify women saves the day."

"...Okay, okay, don't look at me like that; I'm a huge asshole. But not in that way."

"Like organizing your pornography collection."

"I just need some time. Right now, I don't know what I'm feeling."

They started it out like the leads in a bad B Movie.

"I said that about Jaws. That movie was terrible by the way."

"You're still my first choice."

Three years in the womb.

To be honest, they'd expected to die.

Looking back on it now he felt like the biggest idiot for not realizing what a huge Red Flag that had been.

"You want to come with us?"

"Back then I didn't even know about consent."

"If my dad ever comes back from his 'business trip' you kill him and we're even."

They have no idea what their Tragic Backstory is, so they make up a new one every time someone asks.

Don't want to train today? Too bad, you either fight the giant centipede or DIE.

"They ain't that bad compared to some of the shit I've eaten."

"I hate being brainwashed. And mind controlled. And sold, and handled without asking, and...being a thing for people to have."

"The research I took to find the gag I was thinking of was very uncomfortable. No, Google, I don't want BDSM gags, please stop giving me that option."

"I have a room and extra blankets. You'd probably fit into a few of my shirts, too."

"You're not trying to burn my apartment down?"

'Oh. Oh, it's going to kill me.'

"You refuse to take a shot at Adolf Hitler because you are not a murderer."

"Because she totally didn't punch that guy to defend your honor, and you totally didn't swoon."

It's a perfectly common ingredient in a lot of cultures! There's blood pudding, blood soup, blood tofu--that's a real thing and it's delicious.

"Did you just make them tell us about their sexual awakening?"

It's red berry jam. It's not really blood at all. They just call it that to make their kids think they're tough blood-eating warriors.

"Now stop having a crisis about being an eldritch abomination."

And that's exactly why broken bones are a testament to their mercy.

"I've been gone a long time, haven't I?"

Seems like a normal breakfast, right?

They are not friends. And yet.

"They're innocent. They never asked for any of this."

"I thought you loved me, but you're just like everyone else."

The candies are always gone within a day.

Backpacking across the end of the world.

"I should be worth, like, at least two goats. Or even one of those cute mini pigs, maybe."

"Apparently I'm from the past and you're from the future."

"Well, I drove an ice cream truck and didn't die."

The common areas became populated with candles, dishes of salt near the doorways, little piles of pennies in crevices.

The small bruise they expected to see is not small at all. It's huge and almost black and it's spread against the entirety of the left side of the stomach.

"You mean because you beat the shit outta me? Nah. I've got a pretty high tolerance for getting beat up. Seems like I just end up friends with them, even when I lose my S/O to them."

[woodchipp]

"You were overcame. You were sick of everything."

Okay. Mind actually showing us how Sunny got to this point, though?

and wow. the prose is written so well. i can feel the frustration /s

Also, wouldn't "overwhelmed" be a better fit in this context?

"Your precious violin lay shattered at the bottom of the staircase."

"Precious" violin? Didn't the game imply he only saw it as a means to spend more time with his sister? Lost Library outright states he was annoyed by having to practice playing it!

1) For how important their big argument is to the plot, we never even get to hear it, nor does the game bother to show exactly what served as the straw that broke the camel's back and drove Sunny to destroy the violin. I, for one, would've been genuinely interested to learn that. Maybe Mari could've said something so deeply upsetting that Sunny saw no other way to "get back" at her for hurting him? That would've made his anger a bit more understandable, imo.

Of course, giving characters understandable reasons for doing what they do is an outdated writing convention.

2)

"MARI was yelling at you."

I love how Sunny gets this large and detailed rundown of his feelings at the moment and all Mari ever gets is this sentence. Yeah, because who cares about what she thinks? Who cares that she actually has a valid reason for berating Sunny? Her point of view is irrelevant since she's Wrong™ and she's about to get stuffed into the fridge anyway!

What nuanced storytelling.

3)

"She didn't understand you at all... She didn't understand that you just weren't good enough. The only thing you hold onto was your anger. This pain... was it her fault?"

This is laughable. "uuuuu nobody Understands the limitless depths of my sufferi-" shut the fuck up. you did a shitty thing and you're getting rightfully called out for it.

I wouldn't be as harsh if the game put effort into showing how Sunny progressively grew exhausted (and exactly how harsh Mari got when he made mistakes), but it doesn't. I won't do the writer's job for them because I shouldn't have to.

(I know I said this a hundred times already, but for the purposes of this post, I needed to reiterate.)

4) Why were they arguing specifically at the top of the staircase in the first place?

Note that neither the caption nor the photo seem to show Mari being physically violent with Sunny, yet he interprets her getting in his way as a "fight" anyway. If the fight in question was verbal, that definition doesn't fit because Sunny isn't shown talking at any point during the argument.

"Photo of a Murder", huh?

Granted, Sunny is 12 and obviously has no idea what manslaughter is, but "murder" implies an intent to kill. A more neutral term like "death" would've been more appropriate here, imo.

Different words mean different things.

I think I see why these were scrapped. The game labeling what Sunny did as a "murder" wouldn't have allowed the narrative to paint him as an unfortunate victim of circumstance, now, would it? :)

>>"It was an accident, right?" >>"Photo of a Murder"

lol and lmao

"Nothing but scratches."

Because falling from a staircase apparently doesn't leave any bruises that would've incriminated Sunny. No one could differentiate a neck broken due to a fall from a neck snapped by a noose either, it seems.

How awfully convenient.

(No, I don't believe his parents bribed the police. There isn't enough concrete evidence to back that up.)

1) Exactly why is Basil's first thought "I can't let anyone find out what happened"? I get he's mentally unsound himself and Stressed™, but there's only so much those two factors can be used as a justification for, and what Basil did next can't be justified by them. Moreover, the fact that was the first thing he thought of suggests it's an instinctual response. What, was Basil involved in similar cover-ups before? This makes no sense.

2)

"There's no way you can tell them the truth."

Why couldn't he just say that Mari's bad knee happened to buckle at the wrong time and she accidentally fell down the stairs, then? Since the game seems to imply Sunny was more willing to open up to Basil than to his other friends, I think it'd be reasonable to infer Sunny told him about the knee. And it would be a more plausible lie for a kid his age to tell!

The game has an easy and convenient cover-up story only to choose the most unnecessarily complicated one. peak writing

3)

"Who would believe... that it was... an accident?"

Literally everyone would. Unless Sunny had a history of being violent towards Mari (which is impossible since the game beats you over the head with how much he loved her), her death being accidental would have been the first thing to cross their minds, especially if Basil were to use the "bad knee" cover-up as described above.

Yes, Basil did what he did partly because he wanted to protect Sunny. However, if everything I've just dissected was his actual reasoning for doing something so demented, it's stupid and I will call it such.

"You think you see a figure pick something off the ground..."

Love the implication that a 12 yo child was somehow able to handle a 15 yo teenager all by himself. Because that's believable.

"For a moment, you feel at peace. You hate yourself for feeling this way. Is that all, then? Is everything going to be okay now?"

I want to emphasize just how inconceivably fucked-up this is.

Sunny's immediate reaction to the sight of his sister's hanged corpse upon snapping out of his dissociative fugue isn't horror or panickedly asking Basil what he has done.

It's relief. He feels at peace.

He's relieved that somebody cleaned up the mess he made.

[bengiyo]

Love Tractor Eps 5 & 6 Stray Thoughts

Last week, Ye Chan taught Sun Yeol how to pick strawberries and then they held a class for kids. Sun Yeol is not good with kids and was super rude to a girl who already felt isolated from her peers. She ran away, but Sun Yeol found her and injured himself while trying to help her (even though he was the one who further alienated her). Ye Chan and the community rallied to take care of Sun Yeol while he was injured, and our poor farmer got his little heart broken when he learned that Sun Yeol maybe has a lover in Seoul.

Episode 5

Oh good. Ye Chan only had a partial blackout. I don’t like when characters don’t remember anything.

Still a fan of the village head. Recommending that Ye Chan back off of Sun Yeol if he’s taken is the right advice.

It’s actually very fun for Ye Chan to rush to Sun Yeol when he calls for help, because Sun Yeol asking for help seems like a big step for him.

Oh ho! A hot boy has arrived!

Alright, fuck Sun Yeol’s dad. He broke up two gay musicians and forced his son to give up music. You also slap your son in public like this?

I feel bad for Inseo. He found a creator he admired and grew close to him. The Koreans are determined to give me second lead syndrome.

Ope. Inseo moved on. What in The Red Violin (1998) is going on with this emotional whiplash this episode?

I love how obviously Ye Chan’s feelings emanate from him. I like seeing characters who never needed to learn to mask.

I don’t care for Inseo. Kindness costs so little. There’s no need to be rude.

This show is getting as bad as Thailand with the dramatic changes in lighting between scenes. It’s suddenly night time?

Even the doctor is mad about Inseo being here. He said, “Where’s big gay man who was taking care of you? This twink looks unreliable.”

That’s right, Ye Chan! Don’t let that mean twink convince Sun Yeol to go back to Seoul!

Episode 6

Ye Chan’s mom is so intense. She’s not the sit around and chat about our feelings type, I guess.

I like him telling Ye Chan to go inside and wait. I thrive on hope.

This breakup scene is pretty affective even with how little time we’ve spent with them. They both gave up things to be together and it just didn’t work.

Timeline is a bit hard to track, but it seems like they haven’t seen in each other in a while.

Big fan of the “sweat yourself into exhaustion so you can rest” approach. It’s the best part about volunteering for me.

Okay, Village Head, I see you and your veiled insinuations.

It’s a party!

It’s getting hot in here, so take off all your clothes!

Oh BL dream sequences, my belothed. At least this one was obvious.

Ye Chan is so helplessly gay. I love him.

Look at our brave farmer admitting his feelings even if he’s scared!

Okay, I will say I really liked the way Inseo was used this episode as a warm up for dealing with the dad stuff before the end of this. This show is actually pretty cute.

[americanphancakes]

I wanna talk about my mind for a little bit

I was gonna save this until after I posted the last Wingless Angel chapter but I can’t post it yet. Pretty sure my mind wants me to get this out of my system first.

So hi everyone, how are you? How have you been? Honestly if you’re still following at all I’m delighted.

I don’t want this to come across as some excuse for all the unfinished fanfic I left behind 3+ years ago, which is why I wanted to publish WA first, so I hope you don’t take it that way. But I ended up stumbling upon an aspect of my mental health that I’m still trying to address and since I never really saw anyone post or talk about my particular issue before very recently, I wanted to share it in case it resonates with anyone.

(Clearly stuff has changed, this is where I'd normally put a "read more" but.... I guess that's not a thing anymore?? Hopefully this isn't a huge annoying wall of text on everyone's dash, oof.)

I’ve posted before about my ADHD. I’ve been getting treatment for it for 10 years now, and for all that time, medication & other coping mechanisms have been helpful to a point, but only to a point. There was still something left that was keeping me from functioning, and I couldn’t tell what it was. All I knew was that I had no will of my own, and I’d spent the last 10 years trying to create situations where the people in charge were asking (or implying that i should do) things I considered good to do. “People in charge” meant anyone besides myself. If someone was not me, they automatically had authority, simply by virtue of being someone external to me.

I did a lot of research trying to find something that matched up with my experiences & feelings, even partially, and I looked into things like PDA autism and even just the people-pleasing habits common with other ADHD folks.

At some point, with therapy, I did learn how to say “no” to other people’s demands of me. I learned to set boundaries. But I was still profoundly uncomfortable with dictating what I was going to do, especially if anyone else was ever going to be aware of it.

When I was a little kid, i was told “no” constantly, and that’s not hyperbole. I’ve cited the story many times of falling in love with the violin when I was 9 but immediately being told “No, you’re going to play the flute.” So I played the flute, but without any passion for it I couldn’t figure it out and I quit, and my mom never stopped making me feel guilty about it. But that wasn’t the only example of that kind of thing. I wanted to play soccer; mom said play basketball, so I played basketball. I wanted to play piano; mom bought me a guitar and my sister got the electronic keyboard. (We eventually switched, but I never felt like I could fully commit to playing the thing). I wanted to learn Spanish or Japanese in high school; mom told me to learn French, so I took four fucking years of French.

My feelings and wishes were effectively not a factor in what I was allowed to do, what goals I was allowed to pursue, unless I was staying in my room and out of everyone’s way (and even then I had to make sure I jumped up to do what was asked of me if I got called from another room). Eventually I learned, as a survival mechanism, to just obey. It wasn’t worth fighting anymore because I was systematically robbed of my individuality at every turn. Something happened when I was 13 that I will never talk about publicly and she played "good parent who has her kid's back" for about 5 minutes before siding with the bad guy. I brought it up years later and she was mad I'd never gotten over it. And all that is on top of being raised to be a "good little capitalist drone" who needs to be perfect and efficient at all times. I was never supported. I was never given grace. So I never gave grace to myself, because if your own parents don't give you grace & time to learn and be flawed, then clearly you don't deserve any, right?

I finally cut my mother out of my life not long after the pandemic began, a few months after having gone no-contact from my father (mostly due to his casual racism & transphobia, which cost me at least one very close friendship when I was a kid, and was unkind to my child in a way I could not abide). My immediate family - spouse and kid - are the only family I have left now. And it sounds tragic on paper, because it is, but until I finally got away from my mother's voice in real life I couldn't filter through the recordings of her voice in my mind so I could finally throw them away. And that knot is still being untied. Honestly this is 10 years into a very long mental health journey, when you think about it, but I wish I'd cut my mom out of my life a very very long time ago. I wasn't angry about lost time when I got my ADHD diagnosis. I was angry about it when I realized that yes, this had been abuse, and I hadn't been courageous enough to get away from it sooner.

Because that dehumanization resulted in me having no will power of my own, and that extended as far as simply not wanting anything anymore. I like things, sure, but anything I WANTED for myself was out of the question, especially if it involved other people in any way, but honestly even solo pursuits became impossible for me to will myself to do. For right now, when I have something I want to do, I'm telling my friends & husband to order me to do it. Because I won't do it otherwise. And it's a potentially dangerous workaround, but it's all I have for now. I and my therapist are hoping that once my brain registers that what other people are telling me to do is aligned with what I want to do, maybe it won't depend on other people's commands anymore and I'll just take control of my own life for once. But that may not work. I'll have to wait and see.

So what does this have to do with my abandoned fics? Well, it had started to become more difficult to write because the adhd "shinyness" was wearing off anyway, but I'd been doing a good job of pushing past it because people liked what I was writing. I could see my skill getting better, and engagement was going up, and that was really motivating. But then... I stopped writing fic all of a sudden because someone made a post about finding it shitty when writers wrote about COVID in their fics, and.... that was sort of a last straw that broke me, because I do exactly that in the last WA chapter. So I just turned tail and ran away. I tried to push through and write & publish the chapter anyway, because it was the LAST chapter and I knew people were waiting on it, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Even having OSBB obligations didn't get me writing again, and given that obligation, the shame I felt about not having finished those stories weighed on me so badly that I couldn't even interact with you guys on Instagram, despite you having been so kind to me in the past. Let's face it, that goes WAY beyond adhd rejection sensitivity, that's a trauma response. I saw one bit of honestly well-reasoned critique of work that wasn't even mine, and I just ran. Immediately I felt like I was no longer allowed to take up space here. I felt unwelcome here in this corner of the internet world, just as I have always felt like I wasn't allowed to take up space in the physical world for almost my ENTIRE life. And the shame I already feel about myself normally was compounded by what I felt was a cowardly thing to do, which prevented me from returning. Now that I've accepted that, yes, I am an abuse victim whose life has been MASSIVELY and MAJORLY affected by that childhood trauma, I'm finally able to address it properly. Over the last few weeks I've been changing the direction of my therapy and my self-talk (reparenting yourself is HARD) and I'm feeling some improvement, but progress isn't linear so my burst of motivation the other night fizzled out, and I'm genuinely sorry for that.

So... yeah, I'm trying to come back and get those fics finished. I'm grateful for any of you willing to be patient with me. Consciously I KNOW I deserve any support willingly given to me by any of you, but I FEEL like I don't. So yeah. Thanks. <3

[hartshorn-and-isinglass]

Nothing makes me feel old like realizing that I like Oistrakh quite a bit more now. When I was young, my favorite old master was Grumiaux and I felt like Oistrakh was specifically the kind of dude you appreciated more when you got older. (Very normal teenager opinions to have there, Marve.) And welp, here I am. I dunno, I think it's a particular flavor of warmth that didn't resonate with me when I was young and hungry and perpetually teetering on the verge of burnout.

Story time because fuck it, it's my blog I do what I want (but still under the cut to be nice about it):

If you're familiar with the Bay Area, the reason why I have such insane memories of high school orchestra class is because I went to Lowell. Yeah, that Lowell. Put a bunch of overachiever kids in a pressure cooker magnet school and you get some highly competitive orchestra classes. The first violin section, unsurprisingly, was made up of the cream of the overachieving crop, most of whom were planning on being either pre-med or engineering in college even though they could have easily all been music majors. And then there was my dumb ass once I made it to the first violin section, LOL. I honestly wasn't sure I was even going to make it alive to the end of high school to have a career. Violin was my lifeline and I threw everything I had into it, for better and worse.

The hilarious irony about all of this is my parents were actually not as proud of my violin achievements as they pretended to be. I don't know if I've conveyed to you what a bunch of insane freaks they were, but according to their plan I was supposed to become a piano prodigy. So when I decided in middle school that I hated piano and wanted to play violin instead, it was not received well. To their credit, once they saw I was serious about it they did get me my own instrument and some private lessons, but my mom did try to convince me to quit at several points, and my dad still has an entire-ass complex about it.

Hell, I was ambivalent about going to Lowell at all. I applied because my district assigned public high school was just that bad. That other school eventually was shut down for "underperforming", that's how bad it was. Knowing that Lowell had a good music program was my consolation for all the other shit I was about to put myself through. The secret of Lowell is that it's not the teachers or the facilities; both of those things were absolute shit when I was there (the music teachers were all cool tho). It's the kids. They know the reputation of the school they're going to. They know they'll be expected to apply to prestigious universities when they're seniors. It's the kids who are, sometimes literally, killing themselves to play this ridiculous rat-race game that they've been set to by their parents.

This is all to say that at a time in my life when I had very little control over anything and was profoundly depressed about it, I realized that I did have control over how much and how often I practiced, so I just kinda... maxxed that out. Time in the practice room was time spent on the one thing in my life that didn't suck nearly as much as everything else. It was time spent somewhere safe. It was time spent cultivating hope for the future. I used to describe it as an "emotional crutch" in a very ableist way when I was younger but now I look back on it in the sense of a more literal mobility aid, as the thing that kept me moving when I would have otherwise collapsed.

You know, I still don't feel "qualified" to say that violin has been a major part of my identity... despite it being my first act of rebellion, despite me pulling a literal Ling-Ling up the violin ranks in high school because I felt like I had nothing else to live for, despite somehow finding my way back to it after decades of being convinced I was done... don't laugh, but I still feel like I really should be better at violin than I am for all the meaning it has held for me. I gotta find that solution for my right hand issues, man! I have to make up for lost time! I have to git moar gud so the Muse will notice me. Haha whoops my hand slipped there-

[moldy-memes]

Markiplier Dead Space Remake RP Starters || Part 1

I'm sure nothing is going to jump out at me at all.

I wish I could talk to you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry about everything.

Forewarned is forearmed.

Why is it so dark?

It's so weird being back here.

Okay, I'm ready.

God, it's been so long.

You're so tough. You're so big and brave and strong.

I'm on the way! You don't have to shout, I'm literally two steps behind you.

Can I start stomping on things yet?

You're not [name]. Who are you?

I'm safe. Thank goodness.

You'd think I have something to say about all of this.

What the hell were those things?

Now I know to cut off their limbs.

Can I stomp you now? Yes, I can.

That's not good.

God, it's good to be back.

Intros are for chumps.

For God's sake, send help!

I don't want to taint this experience going forward, so I'm going to look at it with brand new baby eyes.

I love saving. Saving's great! I saved.

I like money. I love money.

Just a quick little blurp.

Can I be in cargo-baggage? I don't know if I should be in cargo-baggage.

Now that's a nice stomp.

That sounds horrifyingly bad.

What are you doing? Why are you in the walls?

Yeah, this definitely ain't the right way.

I'm just quirky like that.

Does that even kill them? Or do they just stop moving?

Why is it so dark in here? I can't see for crap.

Where? Where? What? Why? How can i not see any of you?

Make sure they're dead by stomping them into itty bitty gooey bits.

What is the boom? What is the big boom?

Okay, I think I made a full circle.

Can I get an uppies?

I don't think I can get uppies.

Who's goopin? Who be goopin? Stop goopin.

This go uppies? Uppies? Uppies?

Anybody else? Anybody else wanna tussle with this muscle?

This is apprehensivating.

Why do I care about that? I don't.

Are you telling me there's lights on in here?

Oh, you gotta be kidding me. You're joking me.

Stop moving.

Okay, oh boy, we're in business.

We're in good company and everything is going swimmingly.

I'm not worried. Why would i be worried? I'm not worried. Nary a worry in sight.

Peek-a-boo, why are you up there?

I'm helpless, I'm just a sweet little baby.

Don't do it! Don't come after me!

No one wants to hear about anyone's fucking nightmares.

Trust me, that's one son of a bitch who needs to stay dead.

A bench? Sweet.

I like to hold back.

La la la, I'm going home.

Come find me, if you're brave enough.

Are you gonna find me or am I gonna get out of here?

Are we done? You better be done.

Wait a minute, you're not supposed to be there.

Hey, hey, what is up?

Okie, dokie, then. I'm going this way.

That's fine, right guys? That's fine?

What's happening? What's happening? What's happening?

Cool, I love stasis.

Show off how stable you are.

I found a man inside the vents?

Congratulations.

I don't trust.

Why was there a rapidly increasing heartbeat?

I'm never gonna get everything.

Great! Never clean.

Wait, cargo bay? I want cargo.

This looks spicy.

I keep hearing things. Down in the gears where no one could be.

What's behind me? Is there another one behind me?

Woah, you were in time-out!

Hurry. I keep hearing noises right under our feet.

What? That's new. Since when could you do that?

Security clearance? What do you mean security clearance? I can go wherever I want.

Keep talking to me.

Guys? Guys?

Be ready for anything.

What's the plan?

People are dying here.

Stick to procedure, we'll get through this.

You think they're still there?

Why the violins now? Why would there be violins plucking happily in the distance?

You probably would have died in a horrible lobby incident.

Wait, but there was a note. Wasn't there a note? There was a note there!

I always gotta go for the things beforehand.

Hey, beautiful.

Hello, ugly.

Am i taking this? Is this what we're doing?

I'm doing it but I don't trust it.

[clowndensation]

essential charoum moments in canon:

charoum attempts to draw astarion after the mirror scene, because "well i also didn't know i could play the violin, or sing, or fight, or do magic" and bards are jacks of all trades. so. who's to say, really.

he can not draw.

gale walks by as charoum realizes this. threats from astarion ensue as charoum looks on in embarrassed "it was that bad...?" dismay

charoum's eyes are incredibly sensitive to light, but he doesn't actually realize that until he gets to the underdark. the entirety of act 1 he's dealing with awful migraines, which only start to relent after they make camp for the night.

he's convinced that everything in the world is connected to whatever fucked up urges he's got, so he assumes the migraines are relieved because of all the killing he does every day.

he's mildly convinced something evil and fucked up is going on in the underdark at first, because no migraine must mean evil is afoot.

everyone is like "you thought. what." when he explains this to them, after asking why he's so on edge down there.

when charoum gets volo's eye, it does help with his migraines a bit, but not substantially. it also, unfortunately, fucks his entire Mysterious Unsettling Gaze thing he has going on, because suddenly everyone can see where he's looking. he's used to being able to watch people from the corner of his eye while ostensibly looking somewhere else.

people tease him because it becomes obvious he looks at astarion a lot, but tbh he stares at a lot of people in general, and teasing about astarion aside, it actually doesn't make anyone feel more comfortable around him. knowing isn't always better.

for the majority of his time before visiting the goblin camp, charoum's prime solution for handling his dark urge thoughts is to 1. smile pleasantly 2. keep his mouth shut. 3. blindly agree with whoever's talking to him, because he doesn't trust his own instincts.

astarion absolutely fucking hates it, and thinks he's an unbearable goody two-shoes. <- this is why he chooses to drink from charoum that first night. he seems like the most complacent and agreeable person among the group

getting to the goblin camp catches all his companions off guard, because he continues his silly, benign little smile thing, walks right up to the goblin's ale barrels, and poisons them all.

if questioned about it, he would agree it's a fucked up thing to do. but it's allowed, and it makes him happy. he gets worse from here out.

:)

the crying during sex thing needs its own post.

[perpetual-fool]

I was right. I am trying to be whatever it was they wanted. That's what I'm sorry for. That's why I did the things that still hurt. And I'm still trying to figure out how to make it right, figure out what I was supposed to do.

Unrelated: ran across this idea. Was asking my mom about singing, how she and all the church people do it, but have never bothered to actually learn anything about how to do it well. Very simple stuff, like they would go caroling but can't sing in tune. Why are they bothering to do the thing if they're not going to bother doing the thing? And I'm sure it's underpinned by social acceptance. But apparently, so long as they're not 'really' singing then they feel they're judged by a lower standard. Like, if they can't sing but do a good job pretending to sing, then they're a 'good' person. But if they can't sing and they're actually trying to sing, then they're a 'bad' person. So half-assing things is some kind of social defense mechanism.

That might actually explain my problem. I was trying to conform to people who were just fucking pretending.

I'm not sure how far it would be fair to take that. I know I process things differently. But it seems like there isn't hardly anything that isn't 'pretending'. Like, I'm considering maybe trying to make instruments, and I'm wondering how well this one wood in particular would work. And if I try to just look up 'woods for violin' or something, I'll get a bunch of shit sharing lists of the correct woods to use and lore about why they're the proper ones. But some of it is clearly wrong. For instance, whatever the tuning pegs are made of is going to have fuck-all effect on how well the instrument resonates. So really what I really need to see is experimentation. Say, having a bunch of panels of a standard size made from different woods, and then.. doing something to make them produce sound. Touch a tuning fork to them maybe? Then that information would actually be worth something. And, doing all that is what 'not pretending' would look like.

Hm, no that doesn't really explain the problem.

Though it was wrong to not acquiesce to what you were saying, I felt I wasn't being heard. And I desperately needed that. And 'pretending' was a part of it, I wasn't allowed to build my own understanding. I would have needed you to tell me that being myself was okay before I could have heard anything you said. I guess that's why I did all that stupid shit, I was desperately looking for something that was 'okay'. Though, "myself" being the catch. Not to say that I'm not pathetic, but that stupid shit is not representative of who I am. And I don't have anything that would be. Not yet. I hardly know who I am. Which is to say, I know you at least feigned acceptance for some of that, but it didn't mean anything, because that wasn't really me. So, you would had to have found the real me first, and then told me I'm okay, for me to have heard anything you said. But then, a little bit of me did get out, and you didn't like them. "I know you believe it, but what makes you think it's true?" I think it was. And that's not rhetorical, and it's not trivial. That's really my core issue. My understanding is different. For me, concepts have to point to experiences. Like, I can't even say that I believe there is no god, because I don't know what a 'god' is. There is no 'thing' which that word points to, there is no referent. And people really don't like it when I try to figure out what their referents are. What I am is not okay.

So, though what I did wasn't the right thing anyone, there was good reason for it.

And it's not like I chose it. I didn't have the emotional stability or support to think anything through. The reason I couldn't just leave you alone was the same reason I couldn't listen, and why I couldn't just talk about things back then. Things didn't get any better until I lost all hope for human connection. I tried. I tried every last thing I could think of. I think, I would have happily been lobotomized if it meant I could belong. But, whatever I am, that's what I am.

- (https://youtu.be/omgSWqwVTjY)

[angelicsjn]

How would they react to someone flirting with their darling right in front of them?

YOUR SEVEN YANDERES.

A N: Whoops, that person is a bit silly for doing that.

A B O U T: Someone flirts with you.

W A R N I N G S: Yanderes being jealous.

— ROMAN CORNELIUS JAMES BEAUREGARD.

Whoever even dares would be a complete idiot.

Flirting with THE Roman Beauregard's S/O? Obviously this person is either stupid, insane or brave.

If they don't stop once he's made his presence known he acts polite, he has an image to uphold. He's an important person and need to be loved by all.

So he smiles, he walks away with his arm tightly wrapped around your waist and you feel the intensity radiate from him. His jaw clenching.

Behind the scenes he uses his power and influence to ruin this person. Finds out who they are, their job, their family. Everything. Uses anything and everything against them to ruin their lives. If they're squeaky clean, he makes something up. Forges up a complete lie that is still believable and makes this person's life hell.

Funny because while their life is turned upside down, they don't know he's the one at fault. They still probably support him, cheer him on and speak about that time they met him and his lovely S/O at that one party.

What a lovely and polite couple!!

— LATEN REED.

Does this person have a deathwish? Who would flirt with this beast of a man's S/O.

Everyone knows that Laten is kind, he's the life of the party. So sweet. But his body? His height? His attitude when angered? They're more than dumb. They must be suicidal.

Laten is forgiving enough, he would politely tell them that you're taken. To stop flirting but if they're persistent and keep up with it, they're getting their jaw spun.

One punch and they're out cold with a tooth missing. You don't fuck with Laten, especially the one he loves.

He will then apologise for making you see him angry. He only wants to show the best parts of him! Behind the scenes, he would AND HAS fucked up those who hurt you.

— JAE 'NIKO' LEE.

Jae is sneaky, he's a scheming man and will manipulate those around him to hate the person who flirts with you. He watches them, picks up on everything and uses it against them.

He can make the most popular person turn into the biggest villain and he won't stop until everyone hates his guts.

He watches with a smile as people call him out on things he created. He laughs as they distance themselves from the person until they're completely alone.

Biggest thing, Jae doesn't care. He's loved by all, he's amazing. Once they all hate them, he'd make it known. They've already lost everything so why would anyone believe him?

"I told you to stay away from y/n." He'd say before walking away with a smirk. He won, as always.

— KAIDAN ALEXANDER WOLFE.

He internalises it. Is he not good enough? Do you like this person? Are you flirting back?

He'd go through a mixture of emotions until he realises you don't like this person. You want nothing to do them. Of course you don't, you're with him!

He's then angry. Very fucking angry.

Kaidan takes work off them, modelling jobs are now his. Brand deals are now his. He makes sure to post better outfit pics. You name it.

He'll become better than this person at everything. There will be rumours that this person is copying Kaidan and he plays his violin over this. Dropping hints on social media that he's being copied by them, that he feels attacked and like they're obsessed.

It leads to this person being run off social media due to the amount of hate, even though Kaidan never verbally spoke bad about this person, he dropped enough hints for the people to confirm that they're trying to become him.

— HAYDEN WEST.

He wants the ground to swallow him up. He hates it.

He feels under attack like he's going to lose you to this person. He becomes insecure and compares himself to this person.

He follows you around like a puppy. Watches your reactions whenever this person is near, to see if you give them attention at all. He hates it, so so much.

After you reassure him, his confidence does pick up. That's when he begins to think of ways to keep them away from you.

He's not physically scary, he'd have to use his brain. He'd tutor this person, just feed them the wrong information until their grades are so bad they've failed and can't progress onto the next year.

Hayden does small things that embarrasses this person in public. Pouring water where they're going to walk, 'accidentally' bumps into them and tips his food over their white t-shirt. Oh god! He's so clumsy!

You don't see what he's doing, you think he's innocent, like everyone else. Half the time nobody even notices him, much like the one who was flirting with you...

— JOSHUA WHITE.

He is a very kind man, a respected one too. Nobody would flirt anyone he is with.

I mean, how could they? He's so sweet. It'd just be wrong to do that.

But with the off chance that someone would actually flirt with you, he's really just like 🧍‍♂️the whole time.

Maybe he's upset. Maybe he's ready to kill. Maybe it's Mabeline. Who knows?

Really, his eye is twitching, and his fist is curling from the bad thoughts. He doesn't let it show.

When he shakes the person's hand, he smiles, but his dark eyes are blank. They walk away with a red hand from the pressure, but even then, they're convinced he's the nicest person they ever met.

— BLAKE CROSS.

Flirting with you? Especially in front of him? Does this fool have a death-wish? He watches the person with a deadly look in his dark eyes, a snarky smile against his lips.

Blake doesn't care. He will cause a scene. He will shout in public and fight if he needs to.

"Who in the actual fuck do you think you're talking to?" He asks slowly, his fingers jabbing into the person's forehead as he leans in their way.

Even if you try and pull him away, he will still continue. Nobody fucks with him, his reputation and his darling. Fuck that.

"Watch what you say next time, you don't want to fuck with me, got it?" He smiles as his hand crushes the person's shoulder under his grip, until they're grabbing his arm, saying sorry.

He will hold the grudge. Every time he sees the person, he will make it known where they stand with him, and if he catches wind that they've been anywhere near you, he will literally ruin their life.

[remuscore]

I’m going to be so annoying for awhile with all the top tier Remus content we just got I need to make a list.

First off I just want to say the emblem totally should have been pointing at his asshole like an arrow. I will not be taking criticism on this.

Still love it tho <3

I’m glad he’s “forbidden creativity” and not “dark” bc it’s just a lot better. Doesn’t imply he’s bad and wrong, just that his ideas are considered taboo and weird as fuck.

Also him not being labeled “intrusive thoughts” like everyone tries to label him like NO HE IS CREATIVITY NOT JUST INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS

Everything about the line “Open your fucking mind, bro!!!” Was gold lmao. I’m so glad I’m writing him correctly with being so casual and sweary.

Him being so bitter and dismissive about only being in three episodes so far.

Him being so vague and evil with his evil little prayer hands. Also implying he’s gonna be apart of the big storm coming like… he’s gonna have a big ROLE soon guys I’m dying.

Anti Spoiler Spray. Enough said.

He hates soap SO FUCKING MUCH yet asking Janus to stab him instead is fine. Honestly, I think it would be ten times funnier if Janus just fucking stabbed him to shut him up lmao.

“Boo hoo let me play you a song on the world’s tiniest violin :(( bitch you guys are boring.” FUCKING LOVE HIM

I so badly want to see what he did to the mindpalace. I mean I know they use that space to record for green screening, but please Thomas I want to see what he did to that room. I want to see the graffiti of butts and dicks.

Idk who was saying what when they were dashing away to not get caught playing Patton’s ddr, BUT the fact that Remus was worse at the game than Janus is so fucking funny to me.

(Remus was on the right).

Also the fact that they regularly break into the other sides’ rooms to mess with their shit is the best thing to come out of this episode I’m so fucking happy about that.

Him getting so excited about Thomas putting his nicknames in….. *sobs*

He gets all scrunchy and stimmy GOD I’m going to crush his stupid head in my hands he’s precious.

The “Pissy” joke PLEASE I love how he just wants to annoy the shit outta his brother.

AND THOMAS DOING IT IS SOME HOW FUNNIER IM SO UPSET THAT WE DIDNT GET TO SEE HIS REACTION TO THOMAS DOING IT

Roman actually calling him his brother makes me happy for some reason <3

Remus regularly hides in the walls and I’m okay with this fact. Man, how many times do you think he’s gotten stuck in there??? You can make some fun claustrophobia angst with that lol.

He was probably hidden in the walls when he whispered bubba gump shrimp to Roman tbh

WHY DID WE NOT GET TO SEE REMUS’ (and Janus’ ig) THOUGHTS ON NICO?? IS THIS GONNA BE A PLOT POINT OR SOMETHING I JUST WANT REMUS TO MAKE A DIRTY JOKE ABOUT HIM

Y’all already heard most of my thoughts on the “regrets??” bit but I will say the fact that he does canonically get a rash and swollen throat is very good to me :)

Also how many times has he done the “soap in your mouth as punishment for swearing” joke and then ends up getting a bad allergic reaction?? I wanna know Thomas please bring it up later in the future.

The most sobered up and calm I’ve ever seen Remus is him saying he’d be the fresh outta jail uncle if they were doing a family role thing.

Also speaking of sober, Remus did not have one sip of wine or alcohol in general this whole video and idk if it’s just he wouldn’t drink wine and would go straight to vodka or I can fuel more of my alcoholic Janus hcs.

The question was “what do you think is gonna happen next” and Remus was talking about what was gonna happen with him while everyone else kept it pretty general. Does this bitch have a plan?? How much has he thought about this??

And ik it ended up being a joke, but I am seeing it as him making it a joke because the topic was too serious and he didn’t like it bc I want to.

I need to look up what a cystic surgery is hang on

Alright go off some people are into that.

His little smile tho <33