#and for that angst to be healed with post-vader anakin finally getting that dress and living freely

[tokruta]

Y’all don’t even understand, I have a NEED for transfem Vader.

Transfem Anakin is also very fun and I’ll always enjoy it, but it hits different post-Mustafar.

It hits different when it’s an Anakin who expressed their gender in subtle but affirming ways, who would get the prettiest clothes from their fashionista wife, who loved their pretty long hair and enjoyed caring for it, who had a soft and lilting voice, is trapped in a hypermasculine suit, stripped of their human appearance, and given a very deep and booming mechanical voice.

It hits different when she doesn’t bother to express her gender anymore, when everyone around them either perceives them as a man or a droid, when Palpatine rubs her new agonizing existence in their face. Because Palpatine had always encouraged Anakin to express themself however they wanted (he may be a pos but he was a pos with a goal) and would sometimes gift them jewelry/accessories. And he still does this, but he exclusively gifts them hyperfeminine accessories that they no longer feel comfortable wearing or keeping, even if they could. He uses her identity against her constantly and they just numbed themself further to the point of apathy in the hopes that he drops it.

They hate looking at themself in general, but they especially hate looking at themself without the suit. All the euphoric aspects of herself that she loved were either twisted or gone. The hair, the tan, the voice, the lean yet strong musculature (decades of carrying around hundreds of pounds of extra weight really bulked them up), hell, even their eyes.

There was one time when she decided to put on the rose gold heart necklace Palpatine gifted her after a successful mission. They put it on when out of the suit, and it made them a little happy before their self hatred came back ten fold and they never did that again.

While Anakin was fairly subtle about their gender expression, they were still openly trans, so Obi-Wan knew (although they were only comfortable sharing her use of she/her pronouns with Padme. Everyone else just knew they used they/them. Palpatine knew about her use of she/her bc he’s a pos who invaded her privacy constantly).

Owen and Beru were vaguely aware that she was trans (Obi-Wan did correct their pronoun use) but not necessarily enough to really explain it well to Luke beyond “your father was trans and used they/them pronouns, idk the specifics”. So Luke knew the basics, but it never went beyond that. He’d alternate between parent and father, but tended to default to father if only because he wasn’t told about Anakin’s gender identity until he was in his teens. (There was no particular reason for this, they just generally didn’t talk about Anakin. It’s not like anyone in Luke’s daily life knew them. And the Lars’s use of “they” went unnoticed by Luke until much later)

So when Obi-Wan told Luke about Anakin, Luke was able to ask someone who knew them more about them. As Obi-Wan didn’t have the full picture, Luke only really learned a few more details, and he was initially more interested in her life as a Jedi than anything else, really. Can’t really blame him there, he was under the impression that he’d have more time to learn about Anakin from a primary source and who cares about gender when you can have a lightsaber!

Anyway, my mind keeps going to a Vader lives au where Luke and Anakin grow closer, Luke helps Anakin ditch the suit, and as Anakin grows used to being out of it, they end up growing angsty. Luke already told Anakin he’s aware of their trans identity, but Anakin hasn’t shared everything. They aren’t comfortable going by she/her anymore (not yet) and as they slowly get healthier (the sun livening up their skin, their prosthetics replaced with better models, surgeries allowing for more independent breathing, therapy) the more upset they get about their hair not growing back.

They’re more so upset that they’re upset. After everything, they’re losing their cool about being bald?! But the visible progress got their hopes up, they’re relationship with Luke got them to start expressing themself more, and their hair was one of their most favorite things about themself. It starts getting to them and they begin to perceive it as a punishment. Of course they shouldn’t get to grow their hair back, they were Darth MF Vader for over 2 decades! Why should they have hair?!

Luke notices their distress and doesn’t know what to do (he tried asking them but Anakin isn’t there yet, they aren’t ready to tell him). He dreams, and Padme comes to him in those dreams to communicate the problem. Well, not everything, just that they are distressed about their hair refusing to grow back. Or maybe instead of that, Luke manages to unlock this information from Anakin’s tragic backstory. This option takes much longer.

Anyway, unsure of how to solve this, he goes to Leia as she’s the resident hair expert. She and Anakin aren’t close, she tolerates their existence and they mourn what could have been. They don’t speak to each other more than necessary. Regardless, Leia is a compassionate person and she can see the toll it takes on Luke and Anakin. She feels nothing positive towards Anakin, but her disdain won’t interfere with her morals so she helps.

She suggests Luke buy them a wig, so they enlist the help of R2 (they know R2 was once close to Anakin) and get Anakin a very high quality wig that they can style however they want. Anakin doesn’t know what to do. At first they refuse it (punishment, remember?) but Luke manages to eventually convince them to at least try it on. He guilts them by using his concern for their well-being.

The wig breaks something in them, the last trace of the walls they built over 2 decades come crashing down. They feel a wave of euphoria and despair, glee and misery, gratitude and guilt. They’re feeling all over the place but they can’t stop staring at their reflection. It’s so obviously different than it was when they were 22, yet it was one of the best things they’d ever seen. They felt like they had themself back, standing there wearing the beautiful wig, their children further back watching them, nothing but support on their faces.

Anakin retreats for a bit after that. They make sure to tell Luke they’re okay, they just need some alone time. Once they re-emerge, Anakin is finally able to tell Luke she also uses she/her pronouns and identifies as transfem. Luke supports her 100% and is aggressively supportive when she gradually starts wearing more feminine clothing out and about (he’s aggressively supportive of her presence among the rebels regardless, but this is different). It’s not that he’s worried people will be transphobic towards them, exactly, but he’s hyper aware of how people see Anakin and doesn’t want to see her stop being herself because she perceived something as a slight against her (and, alternatively, he doesn’t want her to scare/threaten people when their current status amongst the rebels/new republic is so fragile).

I don’t know what it is but transfem Vader/Anakin just hits different from transmasc and I need it.