#and for other requests i AM still working on them dw yall

[fanficsofthevoid]

Hihhi hello hi!!

How heavy are you willing to go with angst? :3

-✨

Hiihhihihi hello hi!!!

Honestly pretty heavy! Im a HUGE fan of angst., it makes the comfort part wayyy better ykyk 👀 so hit me with whatever youve got!

[rookiesbookies]

Please I need more strength kink like you wrote for König but for the text of the COD men. Does Soap show off and lift heavier when he sees you saunter into the gym? Does Ghost try not to pay attention as you stare? I am down bad for these boys

So this is the most recent ask Ive gotten but dont fret my other requesters, yalls are taking more time bc they’re longer form pieces (I dont want to spoil but honeymoon/consummation night with Ghost (doing some research for this one), some Konig wifey bits (there’s two or three), and Ghost’s wife wearing his mask) Im so excited you all are interacting with me I just wanna say. I love you all *MUAH* big kiss.

Also I took Keegan off this one bc I don’t think I have a lot of Keegan fans reading? (ik I love him tho) so if anyone wants it just put a comment and I’ll write one and edit it so its in here.

Edit right here: I put Keegan down at the bottom. Dw Keegan girlies he’s here now.

Another edit: I put Krueger bc a reblog asked for it

Without much more here’s:

Strength Kink with the 141

Masterlist is pinned as always, also let me know if yall want any as full blown fics.

Price

Price is an “old dog” as he calls himself. He knows he’s getting softer, the wrinkles are setting in, he doesn't quite have the body he used to as a LT. Kinda got a dad bod after adopting 3 boys.

First time he sees you drool over him? He is down fucking bad. Will do anything to see his sweet lady all red in the face over him again.

Fucking saunters over to you, hits you with “you can feel if ya like, love. Go on.” just holds his arms away from his chest while he’s in his tank top.

If you take him up on this offer (and I assume yall are dating at this point) and even just grab at a peck, he is tense. His abs are tight, his butt is clenched, he is doing it all to seem like he still has his young and sharp LT body.

He knows you dont care and love his dad bod and all his soft pillowy goodness but sometimes he feels like the pillsbury dough boy.

Absolutely would pick you up and carry you bridal style at any chance.

Tells you he’s “just practicing” however he is very clearly showing off.

If you come find him at the gym to drool all over him, that max he was only supposed to do one of per set, he is not repping.

“John, are you sure- I’ve never seen you lift this much you look red-”

“I'm alright, love, just doing my reps trying to set a new pr.” Little do you know that by repping this, this is his new pr.

Gaz and Soap are sitting there mouth open because Price has never done that and not fallen over and now he just KEEPS. GOING.

And Price’s wife just keeps drooling over him as Simon spots the poor guy.

(This is what i mean btw)

Soap

The worst about it of them all.

I'm telling you right now, if you have an oral fixation on his muscles, he will mate for life like a swan. Because if you mark up his muscles he will do EVERY SINGLE WORK OUT shirtless until Ghost is like “Johnny. You look like a slut and smell like a whore with all that cologne. We’re in the bloody gym.”

He will walk around shirtless in the tightest sweatpants to show off his thighs and abs to you.

Will bench press you.

Put your weight on the hip thrust and will call you over or send videos of him doing it.

If you’re sitting somewhere he will just pick you up and move you for the hell of it under the excuse he wanted to sit there just to see you get red.

If you compliment his body once, I'M TELLING YOU ONE TIME, he will buy the TIGHTEST shirts imaginable around the house to show off his shoulders, back, pecs, biceps, and abs.

If you even mention having a bad day, your face is going between his pecs. He also absolutely can do the thing where he can flex them one at a time and he does it 24/7 for fun.

Catch him planking at the gym?

Feeling bold?Let’s shimmy under the poor bastard to look up at him.

“Do push ups.”

“Bonnie, the fuck you mean-”

“Come down, get a kiss, and go back up?”

“And if I fall? Which I won’t but I gotta ask.”

“Can’t feel any worse than when you dive onto the bed to wake me up in the mornings.”

He’s floored. Goes down, gets his kiss, comes up.

Price has watched Soap do more pushups than he ever has outside of a punishment when he was in basic training. Johnny has half the mind to let himself drop, smoother you in sweaty hugs and kisses. But he doesn’t. Not until he’s shown off. It’s embarrassing how much sweat is dripping from him though. He’ll just say you both need a shower.

Ghost

Totally doesn't flex when he hugs you.

Oh you think he does?

If you ask him, you’re wrong. Simon is the most casual of them all.

He’ll just randomly pick you up.

Like throw you over his shoulder, hold you like a koala, bridal style, you name it. Unlike Price, who is more careful about it, Simon has been doing exercises to work on his balance so he can safely carry you down a flight on stairs.

If he catches you staring, its over for him. He’s blushing under his lil mask, acting like he doesnt see you.

If you walk up and open your mouth to talk to him, he’s not listening to a word of that blabbery. He’s focused on the way you watch his legs while he’s in the leg press. How if he flexes a bit more you have the pause so you don’t choke on your words.

If you’re the bold on and you get down to the level of his head because he can’t easily escape this machine right now to say something. I'm thinking like a “Simon, I’m going to need a thigh riding session at 1800 hours. Put that on your damn schedule.” And just walk out. Don’t elaborate.

He’s struggling to get out of the machine, considering chasing after you, possibly having a stroke over it. He’s so flustered he’s down right gasping for air. If he didn’t have shit to do today he’d scoop you up and show you want all these muscles could do just to get you to feel like how flustered he is.

Konig

(see the fic about his wife seeing him lift, its on my masterlist (its pinned))

Gaz

By the time you’ve started dating, you know Gaz is jacked. Just look at him ffs. Anyone could see it.

So you do the only reasonable thing and insist on being his gym partner.

And in turn he will insist on spotting your squats.

If you get so nervous you fail a set his plan springs into action. Bro has it lifted in one hand. He doesn't care if it's a lot. He WILL be lifting it in one hand just so you can see how strong he is.

“Kiss for your savor?” He asks.

“Sure.” You reply, pecking his lips.

But no no no.

“Love, I meant you’re actual savor.” He’d say, flexing that one arm and pointing to it.

Just roll your eyes and do it. It’s easier.

He is GLOWING for the rest of the day. He will now take any and all opportunities to lift heavy things for you.

That big box? Lifted. Come kiss his muscles. Cuz if you don’t he's picking you up and putting you in air jail for being ungrateful.

I feel like because Gaz is so lean its kinda a sleeper build situation? Could be completely using that term wrong but IDC.

Lowkey loves nothing more than you feeling up his abs under his shirt when yall are going to bed. Like your hands feel so nice on them when he’s flexing extra hard so they’re rock solid for you.

First time yall cuddled he almost passed out because he was trying to keep his muscles flexed for so long.

Edit: here’s Keegan

Keegan

Keegan was always walking around the house in the sluttiest tank tops and the lowest waist line sweatpants you’ve ever seen.

He had been showing off since he first met you, so I’ll tell you how it happened.

What did he wear on your first date? Tight ass t shirt and a leather jacket with black jeans.

He essentially was giving a strip show when he slowly took off that jacket, made sure you were watching when he did it with a smug look.

“What wrong, doll? Distracted?” He was definitely flexing hard. Pecs and biceps on full display and don't get me started on how he was clenching to get his abs to show through.

He made sure to get real close to.

Oh dear is that a dirty puddle, let him just… yk… casually pick you up to carry you over the smallest puddle ever.

And when he’s at the gym? You are getting tons of selfies. Those videos of him curling weights that are slightly too heavy all because he knows you like the sound of the groans he makes as he struggles to lift it. Oh he is hip thrusting your weight and a half, so you know you’ll never be too heavy. There’s a video he sent that was 10+ minutes of just him thrusting your weight. You honestly thought it was looped.

Oh and he carries your weight when he runs on the treadmill so he knows he and run and keep you safe if need be.

Here’s Krueger (i got carried away, enjoy)

Krueger:

Sebstian knows he’s already strong.

Picking you up and benching you is his favorite hobby. The way you can't help but giggle and he has to scold you to stop wiggling.

He’s always throw around his weight with you. He knows he’s a big. He loves to lay on you to stop you from moving.

Loves to have you lay on his torso with the weight at his hips as he works on his hip thrusts. Got kicked out of a gym because it was dangerous so he got weights to do it at home. Will do it shirtless so you can trace his tattoos.

Definitely has never told you he committed murder because he doesn’t want you to stop looking at him like he’s your savior as you rub his sore muscles.

God he loves having you rub his muscles, he just tries not to drool as you rub his calves and biceps with all the force your hands can muster to gently rub the knots away. One time he felt so good he almost cried as you rubbed one out of the back of his neck, he got so bricked he couldnt help it he felt like he was gasping for air the pleasure was so intense.

He’d never tell you that tho, no he’d rather die and speak up and tell you how good it feels when your massage his muscles while planting small kisses after every knot you work out. Definitely going to keep asking you to work his aches away… wonder if he can convince you he has a knot in his dick, no no wouldn’t do that to you not yet.

[kristiewritings]

hey there, i saw that you have a kazuha pfp so maybe you r a kazuha simp?? also if it’s ok, could i ask a kazuha college au where he’s your partner in a project and then u fall inlove with him??

hehe hi there anon! yes indeed i am a kazuha simp BUT i also simp for childe 😩

daw anon your request will be done leave it to me (wtf am i doing?? 😔)

character: kazuha

word count: 648

tw: the teacher ships 😌😌but none rlly

kazuha, oh kazuha. he was always the quiet kid who would be mumbling to himself about something. no one really talks to him except for yoimiya and a few others.

you never really noticed him but if you look at his notebooks, they’re filled with poems or scenarios about you. he adored you. every night before he goes to sleep, he thinks about how it would be to sleep with you in his arms.

one day, your teacher announced that the class would be having a new project. “class. today we’ll be having a project. it will be due in a week so please prepare your projects and your presentation speech as well.”

since the teacher thought the topic was hard for some students, she decided to give out partners.

you were just hoping to be done with it all. “kazuha, go over to [name]” the teacher said as she walked by. kazuha was a mess inside but managed to get himself together and sit with you. (SIMP)

you gave him a friendly smile before introducing yourself. “hey, I’m [name].” he replied with a faint “kaedehara kazuha”. you thought he was just being shy but you just ignored that.

“soo let’s get started?” you broke the silence between you two awkwardly. kazuha nodded and started discussing with you the things that you two would do for the project.

after the bell rang, the teacher dismissed the class and you all packed your stuff. you saw kazuha at a table during lunch and decided you’d sit with him.

“hey, do you mind if i sit here kazuha?” you asked him. he shook his head no and you sat down infront of him. you talked to him about whatever and he listened to you, nodding and responding every once in a while.

before your lunch ended, you told him “let’s meet outside after school’s done. let’s finish the project at my place.” you smiled at him before leaving.

kazuha was stuck there. you were ACTUALLY inviting him to go to your house! he tried to calm down and managed to do it (after failing for 5 minutes).

_________________________

once school was done, he went outside the school and waited for you. not so long after, kazuha saw you walking out with a few people. you waved goodbye to them before going to kazuha.

"hey, let's go!" you held his hand and dragged him to your house. you failed to notice the blush slowly spreading on his face. as you reached your house, you took off your shoes and went in. kazuha followed. (yes i am asian, don't step in my house with shoes on or i will literally spank you).

he then followed you to your room, where you two would finish the project. you got a chair and started working with him on the project.

(skips the thing 'cause im lazy but dw i have some scenes)

after you two do what you planned for the project today, you cleaned up the area. as you were doing so, you remembered some moments with him

* flashbacks*

the way his hand brushes against yours every once in a while had your insides moving. his soft voice speaking to say some things he wishes to improve about the project had you screaming in your pillow.

you don't understand. why did you suddenly feel this way after he came over? why did you suddenly feel like you're inlove? what's happening? those were the questions in your head.

you just ignored it for now and went to the table for dinner. you forgot about it for a while as you ate.

when it was time for bed, you couldn't sleep. all you could think about was kazuha. you walked around for a while but you still couldn't sleep.

guess you'll have to tell him soon.....

hi hi anon!! heres ur request i hope yall like it

[kvgehiras]

can i request sleepover hcs with trickstar (separate)? i feel like they would be so much fun to be with... the new shuffle unit really woke up my inner trickstarP 🥺 (hope it's not too much to request all 😭)

HELLO !!! nd no it's ok !!!! it took me some time bcs i didnt . rlly know how to start out hokuto's part BUT IT'S DONE NOW !!!!!!! (also i hope u meant it in a setting where y/n nd the members r in a relationship (separately ofc) bcs that's how i wrote it so ye) hope yall like it ~

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

AKEHOSHI SUBARU

• he probably brought up the idea while u were accompanying him on a walk w daikichi

• u were talking abt how u brought these glow-in-the-dark stickers nd they remind u of him

• "it would b so nice if u could see it omg!!! but .... it's the best when u watch it right before u go to sleep.....nd ur probably busy :(("

• "????? LETS HAVE A SLEEPOVER THEN!!!!!!! W ALL THE SPARKLE SPARKLE STARS!!!! AAAAA IT WOULD LOOK SO PRETTY!!!!!!!!"

• nd ur just like :0 bcs u cant believe this dumbass . he has a live to perform in day after tomorrow but he's gonna have a sleepover........what

• "dw abt my live !!!!!!! ill tell hokke nd the others that i can't come today but i'll practice extra hard tomorrow !! they'll understand dw (*・∀-)☆"

• they didn't.....actually...but he cut the call on hokuto before they could get him to attend so uh-

• "anyways!!!!!!!! ^^^^^^"

• yall bring daikichi over too. it's not even a question daikichi is literally yalls child at this point but anyways

• he probably looks for board games for a good hour or two while u get some food for daikichi nd then get some food for subaru nd urself

• (he doesn't find it)

• u peek at the doorframe bcs for a while u keep feeling like someone has been watching u for a while now nd then boom . u see the other baby (read : subaru . main baby is daikichi, ofc!) pouting at u

• u laugh nd wipe ur hands on ur apron before ruffling his hair nd he goes

• "i can't find the board games :((((( y/n :(((((("

• surprise guessing game : whos the actual puppy? akehoshi subaru or his actual dog daikichi??????? it remains a mystery

• anyways u help him look for them nd after u hand him over the thing u get food for the both of u nd force him to eat atleast a bite bcs this bitch is too busy trying to win against u in snakes & ladders 😭😭😭

• "subaru.....pls....the food is getting cold....."

• "no i Know im gonna win!!! the sparkly stars r my good luck!!!! i know it!!!!!!"

• he.... doesn't win .....for the 5th time....

• so manz just gives up, noms all the sandwiches visible (aka his portion bcs u alrdy finished urs an hour ago JDJDKDN)

• nd then sleeps, still sulking

• yes it ends up in u guys cuddling under the glowy stars

• nd subaru thinks that mayb losing against u isn't that bad after all (´꒳`)

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

HIDAKA HOKUTO

• unlike subaru, this was actually a planned one

• u both had homework to do, u especially had a test tomorrow nd subaru just ditched the rest of trickstar to go hang out w someone else instead of their practice so ┐(´∀｀)┌

• hokuto appears at ur doorstep around 6:30pm, as discussed earlier

• "right on time!!!!!! so true hokke (´∀`)ｂ"

• he chuckles a lil as he closes the door behind him nd takes off his shoes

• "(y/n) u keep sounding like that masked pervert whenever u say smthg like that pls"

• u laugh it off nd then get him to the living room, where u two get ur books out nd then start studying

• hokuto asks if uve studied any material before to which u quietly reply no nd hokuto just goes

• "oh, that's ok… i think it will be good practice for me too if i taught u all this, right? so let's start, hm?"

• HOKKEEEEEEE ๐·°(৹˃̵﹏˂̵৹)°·๐

• sasuga hokuto kyun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

• anyways !! u guys (finally) start studying now!

• except…..except ur alrdy falling asleep……

• hokuto doesn't even realise this till he looks over to his shoulder bcs wow it suddenly feels heavy! wonder why!

• nd then boom ur face is an inch away from his

• poor hokuto his face gets all red and his ears r burning nd when he realises that ur sleeping he just . freezes

• doesnt even move fucking muscle

• mentally too manz just checks out NDNDNDJDJKS

• BUT IN HIS DEFENCE WHEN HE CAME TO UR PLACE HE DIDNY EXPECT THIS!!!!!!! HE EXPECTED TO STUDY ND THEN GO HOME YK!!!!!!

• poor guy he can feel how hard his heart is beating nd hes praying that u dont hear it nd wake up

• thank goodness ur a heavy sleeper……..nothing, nd i mean not even if boulder is dropped on u, can wake u up

• sasuga…..y/n……?

• anyways !!!!!

• u wake up at like . 2 or 3 am nd u find hokuto just closing his eyes shut, cheeks still bright red nd. WHYS HE SO CLOSE-

• o u fell asleep on his shoulder lol-

• U FELL ASLEEP?????

• u jerk back up nd apologise a million times for falling asleep even tho hes so desperately trying to teach u nd hokuto just tries to hard to explain that it's ok !!!!!!! (bcs he actually kinda . liked it . aaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAA)

• after much thought u guys just decided to go to sleep bcs ur too tired anyways so it's not like u would retain this info anyways

• nd it was a good decision bcs after waking up in the morning nd going thru his notes instead u actually aced the test !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so true y/n !!!!!!

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

YUUKI MAKOTO

• this one….. it's like . neither planned or accidental?????

• it just happened????? yk?????

• he called u suddenly in the evening bcs he went to this new game shop that opened near his place right

• nd hes just like !!!!!!! y/n!!!!!!! uve got to check this game out !!!!!!

• nd so u go to his place to play the game nd u see that he just has everything prepared so u get the snacks that u got for both of u on a plate nd get some juice from his fridge nd start playing the game

• nd the game is rlly good !!!!!

• from the graphics to the boss music, makoto rlly knows ur taste

• (he blushes nd thanks u all flustered too hehe)

• nd after switching consoles nd playing the game for over 3 hrs, yes it's a pretty huge game, u finally reach the boss battle!!!!

• nd this . this scares u

• uve seen ppl on the net say that this battle will absolutely End u . periodt

• u never rlly understood why but holy shit u now do

• uve been trying to win against this bitch for AN HOUR at this point . why cant he just die

• poor makoto is just cheering u on in the bg bcs u refuse to let him help

• "y/n….(;´Д`)...... it's ok bb…...i'll finish this up for u…. it's like 4am we have class tomorrow- wait no it's actually today-"

• "makoto No u always help me in games let me finally win smthg for u !!!!!!"

• nd u point at his forehead nd poke it several times as u make ur point

• "ill win for u !!!!! ok!!!!! this stupid boss can never be as strong as my love for u !!!!!! (*｀へ´*) 彡3"

• nd hes just . looking at u all worried but he . he trusts u . so he lets u do it urself

• yes u lost even more times nd cried a lil out of frustration

• so at one point, instead of directly helping u, he just starts giving u directions nd at this point ur too tired nd exhausted to say anything so u just follow him

• (u also have ur head on his lap nd hes combing thru ur hair nd looking down at u like :') lmao what a lovebird)

• but when u actually beat the boss, finally, nd the screen says "win!" in huge yellow letters ur eyes go O.O

• nd u jump out of his lap, while he's still spaced out, combing ur hair nd hug him v tightly

• nd hes like ????? huh ???? wh wh wh ?????????

• nd u explain that u finally won nd u guys just rejoice lol

• then immediately fall asleep. both of u

• (u guys were late to school next day . sigh)

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

ISARA MAO

• unlike the other three, this man was actually dragged to ur place

• why? u might ask

• WELL THIS DUMB RAT IS BURNT OUT !!!!!! HE DOES TOO MUCH WORK ND HE DOESNT REALISE IT !!!!!!!!!!

• so after u guys r done w school, nd when u check in w his fam too that hes gonna stay at ur place (nd also that he has almost no work today, ofc) u drag him to an arcade nd hes like ???

• "today is a rest day!!!!!! so no work at all!!!!!!"

• u said this while pouting a bit so mao mostly thought u were joking

• but even after going to the arcade, going to the shopping mall nd getting snacks, going to the fast food place u guys visit alot nd getting food from there, his brain doesnt catch on that ur indeed not joking

• until it's been 3 hours at ur place, ur having the dinner that u guys had bought from the fast food place while watching a random movie that was airing on some channel that his brain suddenly went

• 'i know they were saying that this is a rest day nd ur not allowed to work probably as a joke but bro…. i dont think it's a joke anymore'

• this is so sad f in the chat for mao lol

• but also he doesnt bring it up bcs ur forcing him to watch musicals w u (some of ur favs) nd he... actyally likes it?

• he hasn't felt so ….relaxed in a very long time now that he thinks abt it

• nd he has to thank u for it yk

• nd so after the musical marathon ends, as he thanks u, he kind of just goes on a rant yk

• abt how he's feeling

• he never expected for this to happen but u tell him it's ok yk

• nd while he shouldn't burden himself w so much work, ur always open to listen to his thoughts, opinions, random bs, anything !!!!!!

• for hours u guys just have a very deep talk abt how guys have been doing nd mao feels like hes so so glad that u did smthg like this for him

• yall also go to bed early bcs mao alrdy has a bad sleeping schedule (so let's not make it worse!!!!)

• nd in conclusion, it was a v good day! now yall do this whenever either of u r feeling down or get burnt out lol

[hoe-imaginess]

I’d also like to add on top of what other people are saying that I came here initially for a very small handful of Naruto characters (I think maybe three?) and have not only grown into a ho for some many more of them, but I also like your writing so much that I read the things you post for shows I haven’t and will never watch, like bnha. Honestly, I get that it’s more work than fanfic, but you should write original fiction. I’d totally read an anthology of your stuff, I love it

ahhhh that makes me happy! I know it’s sort of annoying when you follow a multi-fandom blog and only want to see content for one fandom, so it’s nice knowing some people get into other fandoms through my work

I’ve had another friend suggest original fictional but I’m just really not... creative enough to think of my own shit like that lmao. I like writing for fandom favs !!

@missnursie

Thank you!!! I’m really glad the writing helps you in any little way it can. Right now it’s looking like Archive will be a good place

@rkiwn

thank you so much <3 !!

@myanswerislu

kjashdfkajshfkjshdf stop this rn not my baby Ace ): 

I went through this exact same thing wth Law. Law was my mans. My husbando. Then Ace started lookin’ a lil fine and I was like ... wait...

but NO you can’t leave Ace for Shanks I’m sorry Ace is baby ))): don’t do it

@geld-sama 

I’m not sure if I’ll ever get around to a part 2!! But yes it was angsty, and yes Madara is in fact a bitch

more replies below!

Thank you!!! 

But sorry I really don’t accept in-advance requests. I get too many requests when my box opens, a well as people sending requests when the box isn’t open, as well as ko-fi requests that I need to do, to keep up with in-advance stuff

I really like Tomioka and unfortunately because I’m a bastard... Doma 

Most of the Hashira are pretty spicy too

Wow I am flattered ahskfjhskjafd uhh!!!! Honestly I don’t keep up with the *imagines community* anymore... but pretty much every Naruto blog I’ve seen writes for the founders now, I think?? They’ve become pretty popular. I don’t have any particular fics to recommend because I really don’t read fanfiction in my spare time anymore ): I’m sorry

KJAHSKDFJHSDKJ this made me laugh like on one hand oh no but... this was a lil funny dw about it boo

I’m sorry ): ! It’s just really easy to give up when things aren’t going well anymore. Not a lot I can do about it):

GOOD!! madara deserves some love... or maybe he doesn’t but still... he appreciates it

Patreon does add up! I just don’t really know what I would do at this point

!!! everything LOL I really just don’t know how it works... I think i’ll try out archive for a bit though before i attempt wattpad

))): thank you<3 I will make sure to share wth yall no worries

true Izuna vibes honestly aksjdhfaksjhf

i do actually have a wordpress back up!

hi!! i’m doing alright. Trying out new medicine for my narcolepsy but it’s not really hittin right so )): that sucks 

It really is tragically romantic! Poor Hashi ):

Ahhh thank you!!!

i don’t think I have a set number... but it’s just difficult knowing almost 1000 people return to my blog every month to basically routinely consume the content I produce, and I only see about 100 or less notes of feedback from that group. Sometimes a post of mine will just get feedback by dumb luck and reaches out to other people who actually leave feedback

[caphayzardous]

It's a bit annoying and tiring finding myself thinking just SO much about redefining myself and How To Be (I mean I always do it anyway and have been through big periods of reconfiguration before, it's just like been very non-stop while I get through some tangles rn) and I was thinking just now how I wanna enjoy some brain-normalcy but PSYCHE Bri u can't because I'm straight up reworking what my baseline IS and what IS normal rn so like fuuuck just gotta keep at it before i can be chill again. Still I am feeling Progress or more like the Cusp of Progress. It has been... a defensive few years... And I'm like sigh that worked for it's purpose but it juuust doesn't now. I feel rn the way forward is to just like... put in effort with others (I've, been trying! Very small example maybe but: a couple weeks ago I arranged to catch up with a friend today, and, last night I was like bluh cbs right, the day-before-inclination-to-cancel, but nonetheless I texted them to lock in details! I could have (and have in the past) waited until the morning-of to make that contact, and there's basically always a good chance the plans won't happen at that late notice even though I've made the APPEARANCE of 'trying' and 'following up'. So yeah maybe a small example that highlights the extent of my loserishness more than anything else, but, I am practiced at "ollieing out without looking like it" and I DIDN'T, and we did hang out today and it was GOOD because I LIKE PEOPLE and I did in fact feel at ease). I still have to sort out where I'm at with dnd (does that sound menacing? sorry haha dw y'all aint at risk. I definitely definitely don't want to drop dnd now or ever and I have a self-rule to Get Real Help if dnd ever DOES feel so untenable); with some recent reframing I felt more engaged this last weekend and felt NO resentment, so thats good (ok sorry I should have addressed the resentment before now, surprise or not surprise I was building it up, uhh anyway its being addresSED), buuut it was also just lucky circumstances of the games not interfering with anything this week / having had that incidental break (genuinely couldn't make last week, did not make us all miss it bc of any of this... but the break was beneficial to me anyway), the sun was out both mornings and I approached the sessions in a good mood... The amount of realtime I spend with dnd still feels daunting when I think about it but I will sort of see if my other Lifestyle Upheaval rn makes it feel entirely sustainable again before I like... request anything... yall are also already capping session times (mostly for my benefit it feels..?) which really helps (I know I havent explicitly asked for that, its because I keep thinking it's fine some days and some days not, and, I will make sure to ask for it on those days and I wont like 'assume' a time-cap, and yeah. not meaning to... subtweemt my DMs in a text post lol... I am just thinking aloud and this is my most private online space but ALAS there are you RELEVANT PEOPLE in the audience... ANYWAY) point is felt good about dnd and I dont think it was entirely situational coincidence it was at least in part because I um... remembered yes I do like it and also huh yes I want to be a friend to my friends whom I love,hhhyeah, anyway,

WHAT WAS I saying UH.... [looks at all that] YEAH I WANT MY BRAIN TO BE NORMAL AGAIN instead of in this [gestures] state but for a while Normal was synonymous with "SAD AND LONELY" so I have to endure this part of change in order to be NOT THAT. Ok. drops.... mic... and collapses,