#and find him hunched over the sink eating ice cream out the tub like an animal because he was too lazy to wash a spoon and bowl

[naychuchu]

gojo is the type of bf to eat food in the bed and say you’re being delusional about feeling crumbs and that he doesn’t hear the crinkle of uneaten candy under his pillow

[ack3rlady]

The Universe Had His Back - Chapter 6

Sunshine

Summary: Reader finally goes back home to meet Levi & Luna and discovers the true reason behind her fallout with him.

Chapters: Five | Six | Seven

Master List

Warnings: Fem! Reader, Fluff, Spice - non-explicit , Modern AU

Word Count: ~ 2.7k

Inspiration: Shall We - Chen

Tags: @sooibian, @queenofcurse, @red-n-tall, @badbitxhbuckybarnes , @sweet-assh0le ; Anyone else who'd like to be tagged, please let me know!

Being at the patisserie today was difficult. You were exhausted after staying up all night in anticipation of how the day would go. The thought of returning to your old home that evening to see Levi and Luna combined with the revelation bombs that Hange had dropped on you yesterday had your heart in your throat for a good part of the day.

You were so distracted that a dozen eggs went flying from your hands when Miche tapped on your shoulder from behind during one of his usual visits, causing a huge mess on the kitchen floor. You had blown up at your new assistants Reiner, Bertholdt and Annie for looking at you wrong when they rushed to help with cleaning up the mess, after which Miche had officially ordered everyone to stay out of your way.

Your head rested on his shoulder, as you ate a ham and Swiss cheese sandwich, sat in the breakroom during lunch hour. Mikasa sat opposite you, quietly analyzing your body language, contemplating whether breaking the silence would be the correct choice to make. The television news anchor’s gibber-gabber played like white noise in the background while you chewed on the dry bread at a frustratingly slow pace, your eyes glued to the Aztec patterns on the ceramic backsplash beyond the sink. After hearing you sigh for the fourth time in three minutes, Miche decided to finally speak up.

“You do realize you’re not going to war, right? It’s just your little girl, not a titan. What has got you this terrified?”

He was right. Why were you overthinking this? Luna was your own daughter. She could never hate you, could she? Would she despise you for not being there for her for the last two months? What if she refused to see you today? What if she refused to see you at all? Your breathing began speeding up again.

“Oi!”, Miche jerked his shoulder and shook you out of your thoughts. “Stop worrying, will you? It'll be just fine.”

This resulted in another sigh from you and an eyeroll from the two.

Hours flew by in a matter of what felt like seconds. It was already time to leave for the much-awaited reunion. You assured Miche that you were okay to drive when he offered you a lift. Upon beginning on the familiar route you took every day for the last five years before you moved, memories of the long periods you spent stuck in traffic, longing to see your family after an exhausting day at work flashed before your eyes. Unlike then, you were hoping to be stuck in it today, just so that you could buy more time to prepare yourself.

But obviously, life had other plans. You zoomed past surprisingly empty roads and didn’t have stop at many red lights. And before you knew it, you pulled up on the street outside the house, your house, within fifteen minutes. You sat in your car frantically shaking your leg and running your hands through your hair, looking at the little home where you had spent both the best and the worst days of your life.

Light emanated from the large windows, the Prussian blue front door that you and Levi had painted yourselves, was closed, the lawn was freshly mowed, and Luna’s swing set sat on the grass just like it did while you still lived there. The sight made your heart warm, but you couldn’t get yourself to walk towards it. You gripped the steering wheel and laid your head on it, trying to calm down, until a knock on the window caused you to jump. You looked up to find Levi hunched over and motioning you to step outside.

“Oi! You’ve been parked here for thirty minutes. Are you coming home or what?”, he asked when you lowered the window.

Home?

You decided to finally leave the comfortable confines of your vehicle and slowly made your way to the house, your heart beating rapidly. Levi’s hand found yours; the warmth from his fingers intertwining with yours made your breath hitch.

“It's going to be okay. She’s really excited to see you.”, he assured you when you met his eyes.

Inhaling deeply, you stepped inside the house. Everything looked exactly how you remembered it. The sheer white curtains lining the French windows were gently blowing with the breeze, the rich cherry-wood grandfather clock that stood ticking away at the far end of the living room, books were lined neatly on shelves, family pictures were mounted on the wall, warm yellow light from the lamps illuminated all these features - it was all unchanged. You were instantly drawn to the pictures. Letting go of Levi’s hand, you moved to stand in front of the wall, softened gaze roaming through them and reminiscing the happy memories they brought back.

“Mama!” You were roused from your reverie by a voice you yearned to hear for the last two months. Immediately, Luna had clung to your leg like a koala bear.

“Loonie!” you squealed, picking her up and pulling her into a solid embrace.

“I missed you, Mama!”, she reciprocated with an equally tight hug.

“Oh, I missed you so much more, baby girl!”, you didn’t realize when you began sobbing.

Levi, who was happily watching your reunion from a distance, walked closer and placed his hand on your shoulder, giving it a light squeeze as a reminder for you to stay strong.

“I’ll get dinner ready. Moon beam, why don’t you take Mama up to your room?”, he drew Luna’s attention as you stole some moments to compose yourself. The little one zealously tugged on your hand and guided you upstairs yapping in excitement the whole way.

You watched in awe as she told you story after story about everything she could possibly remember since the day you last saw her. Her angelic voice was like cool water to your parched ears. What took you so long to come back here? All the fear of rejection vanished in thin air as Luna modeled the new dresses you just gifted to her, and showcased the toys and books that her doting Papa, uncles and aunts bought. She insisted that you tie her hair into two space buns like you always did before because apparently, “Papa never gets it right like you do.”

Levi leaned against the door frame and smiled at the sight of Luna theatrically narrating an especially thrilling story about her encounter with a ladybug in the backyard. He clicked a mental picture of his little girl's dramatic oration while you marveled at her as if she sprinkled the stars up in the sky. As soon as she was finished telling how the polka-dotted bug landed right on the ridge of her nose, she spotted her father and announced that the three of you were to immediately commence with a tea party.

Akin to the rest of the evening, Luna insisted upon sitting on your lap as you sipped on hibiscus tea that Levi brewed while she drank the warm turmeric latte that she requested you to make. You peppered the top of her head with kisses as the walls of your home reverberated with more tales about her day at the park, and about a puppy that tickled her fingers by licking them. At 8:00 PM sharp, Levi declared that it was time for dinner when you finished your respective beverages.

His signature dish, Tonkotsu ramen was on the menu that both you and Luna gobbled it up in no time. For dessert, you brought her favorite strawberry ice-cream mochi that you made yourself at the patisserie. You two ladies chatted away and Levi participated every now and then.  You couldn’t help but think how perfect this felt and going by his serene expression, Levi seemed to be mirroring your thoughts.

Bath time after dinner had been a routine as the three-year-old was still learning to eat by herself and more often than not, made a big mess. You volunteered to bathe her while he cleaned up.�� He slet out a content sigh when Luna’s laughter accompanied by yours echoed through the house as you splashed her with water while she played in the tub. Even the most beautiful music in the world did not hold a candle to this harmony that was falling on his ears.

When it was finally time for bed, Luna was in deep slumber within minutes, drowsy after a warm bath and a fun-filled evening. You reclined on the bed by her side, caressing her hair and listening to her mellow snores, and Levi sat on the armchair by the bed, catching up on some reading, occasionally glancing at the pair of you.

It was tranquil. The light from her moon-shaped night lamp dimly illuminated the room. The dream catcher that you made for her swayed over your hear. Nothing but sound of the soft breaths of your baby and of Levi occasionally turning the page of his novel filled the air. There was no stress, no negativity, only peace of mind. With closed eyes, you took it all in, this life you missed so much.

You had been entranced for a while before feeling a soft tap on your forearm. Levi signaled you with his neck to head outside. Right as you tried to get out of bed as gently as possible, a little hand gripped yours tightly.

“Mama, don’t leave.”, the melancholy in Luna's sleepy voice tugged on the strings of your heart. You opened your mouth to respond, but words refused to spawn.

“Moon beam, Mama will be back home with us soon.”

Levi was now on the bed beside you, caressing Luna’s hair with one hand and clutching yours tightly with the other. It was hard to decide whether the sudden flutter in your heart was a result of bewilderment, or from the warmth of his words.

Making sure she was really asleep this time you both lightly kissed the snoozing baby, snugly tucked her in and made your way downstairs.

“Tea?”, he offered while entering the kitchen. You obliged, making yourself comfortable on the couch, not ignoring the sudden Deja- vu that dawned upon you.

He soon returned with two steaming cups of fragrant chamomile tea and sat next to you, stretching his arm on the backrest. He absentmindedly twirled strands of your hair between his fingers as you both sipped the hot beverage in a serene silence.

“I owe you an explanation.”, Levi finally began.

You turned to face him, with your back now resting against the arm of the couch. Poles apart from his usual calm demeanor, he looked... fidgety. His puffed the already plump pillows beside him, eyes glancing over everything in the room but you. Your continued silence was enough sign for him to go on with what he wanted to say.

“Uh... You are the first person I’m about to tell this to. In fact, I have never even uttered this out loud before. I only just came to terms with it myself.”, he exhaled sharply.

“What is it, Levi?”, you urged.

"Okay. Here goes. Something in me changed on the day Luna was born. I knew that as a father, I was expected to be her protector; that's what I was told a father should be. But- But I was too afraid for her. It was an obsession, almost blinding. It started with keeping the kid out of harm's way at all costs. But it just deteriorated from there. As she grew up, she wanted to try new things and explore. And you, like any parent would, encouraged her to do just that. It makes me sick to even say this, but my urge to shield Luna got so bad that I started to perceive you as a threat to our own daughter. I got these splitting headaches and I’d black out and lose track of what I was saying or doing every time things didn’t go my way. I didn’t even realize when I pushed you far, far away until it was too late.”, he sighed, his gaze locked on the blank television screen in front of him.

Your stomach was in twists, horrified face exuding your inability to grasp what you just heard. There was a long, pregnant pause as he waited for you to say something... anything.

“How could you?”

Levi and you had been together for a long time even before you married. You were offended that he could feel this way about you. It made you furious that he put you, Luna and himself through so much pain. Neither of you could control tears from being shed as he continually begged for your forgiveness.

"I knew I had fucked up, the moment I signed those papers. I turned our whole world upside down with my own hands. My mind felt like a prison that I could not break out of, and instead of letting you help me, I abandoned you.", he despaired.

Your rage started to evaporate when he described how lost he felt the moment you were gone; how he had hung on to Luna like his life depended on it, just to maintain his sanity. He was barely sleeping and the frequent nightmares he had were only making things worse. He told you how he had been working hard on controlling his impulses - starting by trusting Furlan, Isabel, Hange or Erwin with taking care of her in his absence.

“I can’t express how much I regret letting you go, love. I wish for every second of every day that I hadn't done it.”, He was breathing raggedly, as if trying hold back another wave of tears.

You quietly stared at him, unable to think of anything to say to him.

“It is getting late. I should leave.”, you sniffled as you began to gather your things.

Your mind was in scrambles; the heartache threatening another breakdown. It was almost midnight, the tea had done its job and you were exhausted, causing your feelings to be much more amplified than they would be otherwise. The last two days had been too much to process.

He nodded in despondency and watched you walking to the door.

It reminded him of something.

This.

This was his nightmare coming true. Again.

In his dream he was stuck to the floor, robbed of his voice, his limbs frozen. He couldn't let that miserable dream win this time. He needed to stop you. He had to have you back. He couldn't let you leave.

Not again.

Just as you were about to step out, he called out your name and reached out for your hand.

“Stay.”, he whispered, almost too softly.

“Levi, I have to be at work early tomor...”

“Why are you such a dumbass? Do I really need to spell everything out for you?”, he interrupted.

“You’re not helping your case right now.”, you raised your brow.

“I love you, you idiot. I let you go once, and I don’t want to do it again. I wont survive being away from you any longer. I need you. I horribly failed at being a good husband. But I promise I’ll make everything right if you give me another chance. Please.”, he begged, the lone tear running down his cheek shone in the dim luminescence of the room.

Dumbfounded, you gaped at his anguished face. You were wordlessly taking in what he had just said when he mistook your silence for rejection and turned around, looking dejected.

“Levi!”, you clutched his hand and pulled him towards you.

Your bodies collided, faces just a few inches away from each other's. Reaching for his face with your other hand, you wiped the tear away with your thumb.

“Kiss me.”, you breathed.

He looked... befuddled, unable to comprehend the words that just left your tongue. Getting impatient, you took it upon yourself to close whatever little distance that remained between you.

And like pieces of a puzzle, your lips met; perfectly merging together as if that’s where they always belonged. The stars that twinkled in front of your closed eyes accompanied were by ecstatic explosions in your heart and butterflies in your stomach. His lips tasted like sweet chamomile tea, with hints of the tangy strawberry from earlier. His touch was so gentle that you were transported back in time to the balcony of his old apartment where a shy Levi took all evening to muster up the courage to kiss you after your first date while it snowed outside.

The tenderness soon heightened into fiery passion when his hands wandered down to your thighs to pick you up and pin you against the door, slamming it shut. Waltzing tongues, heavy breaths, frisky hands; you were like two starving animals who were just presented with their favorite meals, hungrily grabbing the other and moaning into each other's mouths. He began to fiddle with the hem of your shirt, pulling it up with one hand as the other held you firmly against the door.

“Oi! What the fuck?”, Levi resembled a child who dropped his ice-cream on a hot summer day when you swatted his hand away.

“Slow down, Tiger. What’s the rush?”, you smiled coyly while wiggling out of his grip.

“I-I uh...”, He looked dazed, unable to form sentences.

“I love you too, Levi. I never stopped. But I don’t want to get hurt again. It has only been a day since we reconnected. Can we take this slow?”, you sighed, smoothing his hair and straightening out his shirt.

“We’ll go at whatever pace you’d like.”

A/N: So, did you ever expect to be Levi's Modern AU Zeke Yaeger? 🙊😬

Chapters: Five | Six | Seven

[99-nct]

𝐝𝐞𝐯𝐢𝐥'𝐬 𝐝𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐤 ⟡ yandere! jungwoo

-pairing: yandere! jungwoo x reader

-word count: am i supposed to count?

-warnings: gore, violence, mentions of blood, implied sex, use of drugs, and death

-lowercase intended

-⟡-

it was the end of the week. a sense of relief washed over, for she wasn’t needed anymore. she was free.

until the reality sank in. she was alone and no place to go. tears streamed down her cheeks as her strong, emotionless facade crumbled.

was that one moment of satisfaction worth it?

the neon street lights flickered on, signifying the coming of the moon and the departure of the sun. the old familiar sign came into focus, the yellow letters of Regulate flickering rapidly. 

as soon as the door opened, a small bell began to chime, announcing her arrival. his eyes flashed with recognition, and his lips curled up into a soft smile.

“what can i get for you, miss..?” he said feigning ignorance to her annoyed expression.

“you already know jungwoo,” she replied, pulling up a stool and resting her elbows on the countertop.

he slowly noticed the tear-stained tracks that glistened on her cheek. as jungwoo raised his hand, she flinched. but the blow never arrived.

“who made you sad?” he asked as he gently trailed his fingers up her face, “don’t be sad. you’ll make me sad.”

“it’s nothing,” she said, trying to hide her face from his gaze. the moment of embarrassment and shame soon came to pass as a click reached her ears.

“your drink,” the bartender, jaehyun announced, a smirk evident.

grateful for the interference, she quietly sipped her drink, the bitter taste of the alcohol washing down her throat. lost in her thoughts, she sat oblivious to eyes trained on her face.  

“hey,” she said with hesitancy to no one in particular, “can i stay over?”

“sure.” jungwoo responded, sliding over, “do you want another drink?”

“i guess,” she said, almost unsure if the words coming out were truly hers.

“mojito or margarita...?” he asked, shaking a bottle of carbonated water.

“give me the strongest thing you’ve got.” she said, chugging the rest of her drink, “don’t leave me here when i pass out.”

she wasn’t sure how many rounds she had done after a while, but there was one thing she was sure of, a dull ticking noise that resounded in her ears. shut up. her vision started to dance with white specks. get out! loud noises resounded in her head, as she relived her argument. just go and kill yourself. her eyes began to feel heavy, and before she was aware of it, she was asleep.

-⟡-

when she awoke again, the warm sensation lingered. pulling the sheets closer to her body- wait. she doesn’t have any sheets.

suddenly awake, she scrambled to observe her surroundings. a small bed with metal posts was tucked into a corner, with a large circular window above the headrest that looked out at a city skyline. a lamp placed near the edge of the couch that she was laying in, illuminating the room in a soft glow.

a small note was tapped to the wall.

hey! if you are reading this, you must be awake :) i went out to go get some painkillers and medicine for your hangover. help yourself to the food in the fridge, i have strawberry yogurt! ♡ junguwu 

she couldn’t help but smile. getting up, she ventured forth into the hallway.

when the front door opened, she was not ready to be seen. so he saw her in full glory, dumping a bag of chocolate chips in her mouth with her left hand while the other hand dispensed whip cream out of a large container. all this was happening while balancing a tub on ice cream on her left knee while holding the fridge open with her right foot.

“what the-”

shocked, she dropped the ice cream. 

his face contorted in shock, but that confusion soon morphed into laughter. “i haven’t even been gone 30 minutes and you’ve already raided my fridge.” he managed to say as he bent over in a fit of laughter. a cloud of red enveloped her face as she pushed the fridge shut and placed the chocolate chips bag on the pristine counter. 

“are you, upset...?” she asked warily. he patted her shoulder reassuringly. 

“don’t sweat it. i already saw this coming so i bought replacements.” as he lifted up a disposable plastic bag.

the two cuddled up on the couch, munching on the remainder of the chocolate chips.

“hey,” she said, “did you know stressed spelled backward is desserts? no wonder i stress eat.” jungwoo stared at her for a while letting what she had said sink in.

“stop.”

-⟡-

“you're fired.”

“i’m sorry, what?” she questioned in disbelief and amazement, still not sure if she had heard correctly, “really?”

the woman looked at her, unsure how to answer, “sorry, i’m just carrying out orders. if you have a problem, you can speak with your bos-”

“thanks, i’ll be going now,” she responded briskly as she picked up her purse, “i will talk to him, thanks for the suggestion.”

knocking on the large brass door, she waited for a response. hearing none, she proceeded to open the heavy door. she heard some sounds coming from the back, and against her better judgment, decided to investigate.

qian fucking kun. with a woman. in his office.

“i’m gonna take my leave now,” she said, her face flushed as the explicit scene came into focus.

“wait a minute,” he said, back still facing her. it was a threatening tone that escaped his lips, sounding more like a demand than a request.

“what,” she said, holding the door ajar, “if you want me to ‘get in on it’ with you, i refuse.”

“awww, so cold,” he scorned, fixing his clothes before turning around. “do you think sex is all i think about?”

“yes” she replied curtly. the woman behind him quickly slipped out of the office, rushing past her through the door. “the engagement is over kun, i ended it.”

“you mean you ran,” he said, inspecting his watch, “you are the one who ran away from your family. and yes, i am quite serious about being with you.”

“serious enough to be fooling around with women in your office,” she exclaimed, her face seething with rage. “i’ve had enough of your bullshit. thank you for firing me.” she curtly bowed and left.

-⟡-

“can i get a job here?”

“no” jaehyun deadpanned. her eyes followed his hands polishing the glasses, “it doesn’t seem that hard.”

“jungwoo would be too distracted by you to work well,” he said dismissively waving his rag, “besides, you have no experience.”

“well okay,” she pouted, “do you know anyone who needs a helping hand?”

“it’s that front door, it needs you to go through it.”

“you’re so mean!” she said, slamming her fists down on the counter. grabbing her glass, she hopped off of the stool, “i’ll be back”

“where are you going?” jungwoo asked, alerting the two of his presence.

“holy shit jungwoo,” jaehyun exclaimed, “did you just get here?”

“just now” he said smiling as he slid into through the small doors. leaning his head to the side, he stared at her, “are you leaving now?”

“yeah,” she groaned while sliding off the stool, “gotta go hustle. early morning grind.”

“its 7 o’clock in the evening,” jaehyun drawled, rolling his eyes, “good luck i guess.”

-⟡-

she had no luck. in finding a job or a place to stay. no response from everywhere she applied. it was suspicious. jungwoo had reassured her that she’d find a job soon but nothing arrived.

taking matters into her own hands, she visited the many companies that had given no response.

“we got a visit saying you weren’t interested in the position anymore, so we hired someone else.”

“hold up a second,” she whipped out her phone, “did he look like this?”

“no, he had, i think, orange hair,” the accountant scratching his head said, “can i see your phone?”

hesitantly, she placed the device in his outstretched hand. his eyes widened at the picture. “isn’t this that CEO of WayV?! is this some sort of joke?! why do you have this picture? i bet your some sort of stalker!” looking at the screen again, he zooms in on another picture, “wait a minute, this is him! this is the guy who came in!”

“are you fucking with me?” she exclaimed, snatching her phone back, “he’s my friend!”

“well, some friend he is if he’s messing with your wor- my apologies,” he said, averting his gaze.

“is everything okay over here? it was quite loud earlier,” a voice whispered behind her, “if you need some assistance, i can help you.”

“no thank-” she paused. “jungwoo, what are you doing here?”

embracing her, he snuggled his nose into her neck. “i’m here to see you?”

gulping, she shivered as she walked out with him. she didn’t tell jungwoo about her plans today.

-⟡-

“can someone pass me a drink?” she asked, slumping forward on the counter. Regulate had become something of a home for her, despite her attempts to avoid jungwoo. his recent behavior was flashing with warning signals, but she didn’t have anywhere else to go.

“of course!” was said simultaneously as the soft words escaped her lips. she looked up to be enraptured in soft brown eyes.

"quian kun, what are you doing here?" an accusatory voice rang out. his brows furrowed, kim jungwoo looked downright furious. his generally happy demeanor was replaced with an agitated scowl.

she grew wary, used to seeing such a display from her usually soft friend. kun wrapped his arms around her, pulling her in closer, "no what are you going to do? kill me?"

"you know full well what i am capable of," he replied as he kicked the wooden dutch doors open, strolling towards her seat. placing his hands on her arms, he yanked her out of kun's grasp, eliciting a gasp from the dazed woman.

she was not quite sure of what was going on. the only thing that registered in her head was a warm feeling that encased her body. lost in the feeling, her heavy eyes shut, blocking out a scene she would surely remember in a sober condition.

blood soaked the floor of the bar, the patrons too drunk to notice what was wrong.

-⟡-

her eyes fluttered open, a sense of deja vu settled in as she felt sheets under her. blinded by the sunlight streaming in, she began to sit up. jungwoo was hunched over something, a pair of pliers in his hand. sliding off the mattress, she made her way over.

“do you need help doing some-” she muttered, stopping the moment he came into focus. she wanted to scream, but no noise came out as she saw what jungwoo was crouching over.

kun’s dead eyes stared back at her, his appendages no longer attached to his body. jungwoo’s pliers were connected to his teeth, several were already missing. bones jutted out of his legs, destroyed beyond recognition.

she collapsed as jungwoo turned to face her. 

“love, what’s wrong?” he asked tilting his head. this action in itself seemed cute until she saw the blood smeared across his face.

she scrambled backward, terrified. jungwoo stood up, making his way over slowly. she began to look for an exit as her back hit the wall, each attempt seeming more likely to fail than the last.

“p-please don’t kill m-me,” she stammered, hiding behind her hands. his silence didn’t help her nerves as he reached into his back pocket. sitting on her legs, his hand caressed her cheek while the other pulled out a slender object.

a needle. the fine point gleamed ominously the more she stared at it.

“don’t worry,” he said, staring deep into her eyes, “it’ll just knock you out for a short time. it won’t kill you. i’ve been using it on you for a while so the effects won’t be as potent.”

she shivered as the metal grazed her skin. why couldn’t she move? how could she have been so dumb? sitting in self-hate, she couldn’t hear jungwoo gently reassuring her it wouldn’t hurt for long.

the sharp tip entered her skin so fast, she almost didn’t feel it. the darkness hit her at once, the feeling comforting and familiar.

“finally mine” he whispered, pulling her limp body close to his, “all mine.”

-⟡-

[smolgaysnake]

i’ll drive for you all night; kidsquad

for @idontneedtobeforgiven, who requested kidsquad with no apocalypse 

alicia waits for her mother to invite her home. the day before her last final she receives an email with two typos, asking what day she’ll be home. she packs her bags and takes her test and rides with the girl who lives two doors down in the girl’s boyfriend’s two door sedan stuffed to bursting with plastic tubs and trash bags of dorm materials to the tiny storage space they’re splitting even down the middle. She pays her half at the front desk and chats absent mindedly on the ride back to downtown berkeley.

They pull up in front of the bart station and a horn blares when alicia opens the door and climbs out, hiking her rucksack up on her back. “Going home?” the girl asks.

“I guess,” alicia answers. She stands in front of the doors with a bus ticket in her hand and frowns at the cracks in the sidewalk. Someone jostles her and she turns away from the station, walking up shattuck.

++

She pays four dollars for a joint  in peoples park and lays around in the grass with the hipsters and the homeless and the other straggler undergraduates until the sun dips low and she doesn’t cough anymore when she breathes in deep deep deep and holds until her chest spasms the smoke back out of her mouth.

she’s not even surprised when nick’s head appears in the cloud she’s watching drift away in a cloud of red and purple sunset. “Look at this,” he says, sort of peering at her. “they do say its genetic.”

“your hair’s clean,” she says. she thinks she should sit up but just sort of curls up on her side, pleasantly floaty and too faded to get mad at him for not showing up at family night like he promised he would ten months before.

“not the only thing,”  he says, and flops down beside her. normally she would hold out for a long slow while to make them both suffer but today she rolls over, wiggling until she fits into the circle of his arms and can nose into his chest and snuggle close. “mm,” he hums. “sorry i missed your graduation.”

alicia snorts, then giggles until she hiccups. she pokes him in the ribs, hard. “asshole.”

“it would be way more dramatic if it was four years before i saw you again.”

he kisses her temple, then drags his teeth across the edge of her eyebrow, teasing. She grumbles at him without heat and tangles their legs. she sees people walking by and thinks they must look like just another young couple, caught up in their own little world.

++

“you have a car?”

“i always had a car.” nick jingles the keys, twirling them around his index finger. he plucks the ticket from under the wiper and sighs heavy. “fucking berkeley.”

“i thought you hocked it,” alicia says, sliding into the passenger’s side and shoving the chair all the way back with a grunt. “mom bail you out again?”

“don’t start,” nick says. he cranks the engine over and points towards the highway, crawling through the traffic.

“hows daddy,” alicia asks, sing song, and smirks a little when he pulls a face. “maddie got that new--”

“alicia.”

alicia glowers at the dashboard, huffing. “whatever. not my fault you had to move in and play happy families.” her resentment curls around her words, cutting and angry, and nick sighs.

“come on now. you didn’t really want me hanging around berkeley ruining all that undergrad hijinking.”

“whatever,” alicia repeats, and shoves her sunglasses, big bug eyed and opaque, over her eyes. she slouches and pretends to be asleep when he pulls over at a gas station and buys her the trail mix she likes.

++

“alicia.” madison hugs her, absentminded and oddly soft. “i’m glad you guys got in okay.”

nick clatters in behind her, carrying her bag. “is there food?”

alicia can practically feel the attention slide away from her. “let me make you a plate,” madison says, and goes to the kitchen.

alicia wanders in behind her. “where’s travis?”

“business,” madison answers, brisk. her tone goes gentle. “nick, do you want soda or juice?”

++

alicia takes a bath. she hasn’t done it in ages, but madison is cooking something french and overly complicated in her eagerness to play happy families again and she’s still smarting at nick for reasons she can’t articulate.

she finds a bottle of bubble bath under the sink and fills the bathroom with steam and the tub with soapy lathered suds and sinks into the heat with a sigh. the water sloshes gently against the sides of the porcelain and she sinks all the way under, eyes scrunched shut and exhaling air bubbles in a stream to the surface. she wiggles her toes and feels her chest tighten, her head gone distant and buzzy.

nick pulls her upright with a yank, palms slipping for grip on her shoulder and her side. his fingers nudge her breast when he shakes her. “what the fuck, licia?”

she drags her hand over her face, wiping away the water and wincing when she blinks soap into her eyes. “what the fuck Nick? privacy much?”

he glares at her, his hands fisted at his side. “can’t you just... ?”

she glowers back. his eyes slide down her torso and widen slightly before snapping back to her eyes. she stands, water sluicing down her skin, and they lock gazes, twin stubbornness.

“nick,” madison calls, “alicia. dinner!”

he throws her a towel on his way out, pink behind the ears.

++

alicia goes to pick up chris from his mother’s house. she watches them together in the driveway, the way she fusses and how he preens even as he blushes and swats at her hands, the way she kisses his cheek and how he clutches her in his goodbye hug, desperately firm and still so carefully gentle.

alicia isn’t sure if they should hug or not so she stays in the car to avoid the entire situation. “i heard someone has summer school,” she says, five minutes in, because she’s her brother’s sister and they’re the both of them assholes. there’s a fading bruise around his left eye socket and the knuckles on his left hand are reddened, the middle split. she touches the cut, shining with ointment, gently with the tip of her finger so he knows she’s a little sorry, even if she’ll never say it.

“i heard someone was alone on family day,” chris says, offhand. “poor little middle class good girl on an academic scholarship.”

“asshole,” alicia says after a moment. he leans his elbow on the compartment between the seats and nudges at the arm she leaves resting on the gearshift. they grin at each other at stoplights.

++

alicia sleeps too long and naps while rereading old books she hasn’t cracked in years, faded pages and her cramped pre-pubescent handwriting in the margins; pressed wildflowers at the end of each chapter. time feels slow and maple-sticky, dreamlike.

nick pads into her room one day when she’s laid across her bedspread. he’s spinning a daisy, plucked from the neighbour’s yard, between his fingers, and he tucks it behind her ear before sliding onto the mattress and pillowing his head on the tiny swell of her belly. she smoothes his hair, working out the small tangles until it’s silk in her hands, her nails tracing the curve of his ear, tickling the skin of his throat until he shivers and nips at her.

the floorboard creaks while they’re napping and she’s not sure if she dreamed it or not but she saw chris in the doorway, watching, stuck between shock and yearning.

++

nick comes to dinner wild eyed and rambling. he laughs too hard at his own jokes and mumbles to the empty chair to his left. madison eats while looking at her plate with her napkin pleated neatly in her lap and alicia fumes at her meatloaf while chris sticks his fork repeatedly into his mashed potatoes. when nick giggles he snorts.

++

alicia storms chris’s room at midnight, dragging her credit card against the jamb until it opens in her palm. “chris,” she hisses, sliding across to his bedside and only half tripping over a pair of sneakers. “chris.” she pokes him.

“fuck off,” he mumbles, sleep creased and ruffled. “wasn’t that locked?”

she takes him to the park, hopping from foot to foot while he stammers and blushes and makes her turn around while he drags on jeans over his boxers (blue with grey stripes, cute enough she arches an eyebrow at him while he pulls on a t shirt and hisses at her to stop looking). she tugs him by the wrist when he goes for the front door. “haven’t you ever snuck out before? it’s traditional.”

she goes first out the kitchen window, the sill scraping on her back, the small drop to the ground jolting her knees. chris clambers down after her, less graceful but more athletic. “it’s cold,” he says, and she thinks about teasing him, but before she can come up with something he’s shucking his zip hoodie and draping it gently around her shoulders.

they swing on the swingsets until she gets bored and then lie down shoulder to shoulder on the picnic tables. she falls asleep with his hair brushing her cheek and his hand on her hip and they wake up dew frosted and shivery, jogging home giggling and falling into his bed together, burrowing for warmth.

++

nick throws up on alicia’s bed. she rolls him off on the floor onto his stomach, cusses him out, and stomps to chris’s room. he lifts the duvet up and spoons her while she shakes and cries a little and hates, hates, hates.

++

“i got kicked out of school,” chris tells her, scuffing at a rock in the parking lot of a seven eleven. she slides two ice cream bars from her sleeve and they duck behind the dumpster to eat them, squatting in the gravel. at the end of it she lifts up his wrist and licks a melted streak of vanilla from the bottom joint of his thumb before it can drip down his arm.

“only one more year,” she offers, gentle.

“yeah,” he mutters. he shoots her a little sly smile, then produces two airplane bottles of vodka from his pocket and dimples when she laughs wide and smiling.

++

they get drunk huddled into the plastic hollow tube in the sandbox playground, skin sand-chalky and backs hunched. alicia has half a joint left from berkeley and he makes a roof with his hands to block the wind while she lights it. when he reaches for it she sucks in a big hit and holds it, eyes inviting, until he tips his lips towards hers and flutters his eyelashes against his cheek.

++

nick drops her backpack onto her stomach, waking her with a jolt. “i can’t be here anymore,” he says, manic and gesticulating too much. “i can’t, i can’t, i can’t--”

++

“i can’t,” he mumbles, two hours later, voice hoarse, shivering from the spray of the shower. “please, leesh.”

++

alicia opens chris’s door. it’s never locked anymore, and his look softens when he sees her. she stands in his doorway and looks at his room, messy in that teenaged boy way that smells like awkwardness and too much cologne. she extends her hand to him, little girl pleading. “come with us?”

++

alicia drives first. they go to a diner and she plies nick with black coffee and dry toast and sneaks the pineapple from chris’s plate until he notices and brandishes his fork at her. they throw nick in the back to sleep it off and she pops bubblegum while chris unfolds the maps from the glovebox, at least ten years out of date. “where are we going?”

chris traces his finger along the spiderwebs of freeways and highways. he folds the map up and sticks it into the door pocket. “wherever you want.”

++

“where am i,” nick asks, flat on his back on a motel six bedspread. he turns his head sideways and sees them siting crosslegged on the bed beside him, leaned against each other and watching a movie on the television. “and you were there, and you...”

chris throws him a package of salted cashews and a bottle of water. “throw up in thomas if you have to.”

nick turns his head the other way. a plastic bin sits on the mattress beside him, a post-it stuck to the side. thomas it says, in alicia’s handwriting. “he prefers tommy,” alicia says, completely serious, “and he’s into some kinky shit.” she giggles and chris snickers into her shoulder. the bottle of scotch they’d stolen from travis before they’d left rolls empty off the bed and clunks on the cheap thin carpet.

chris nuzzles into her throat, teeth first, tipping them back and off balance. nick throws up four times into the trashcan, retching and wheezing, and chris and alicia lie wrapped up in each other, stretching his shirt collar to ruin to rest her cheek on his bare chest, his fingers skimming her ankle and up her shin, feeling the prick stubble of the fine hairs on her legs.

++

chris drives the next day. the unfold the map on nick’s bed that morning, over his prone body, and he covers alicia’s eyes with one hand while he spins her. her finger taps down on the map. “so it is,” he agrees, and she flicks nick in the forehead until he wakes up cursing them.

nick sleeps in the back, pale and shaky, occasionally spitting up bile into a paper bag. alicia slides the passenger seat all the way back and props her feet up on the dashboard. he buys her bubbagum at the gas station and watching her blow big pink sugary bubbles in his periphery vision, her sunglasses sliding down her nose and the window rolled down to ruffle her hair.

++

they pull over into a big gas station, a trucker’s stop, and eat shitty hotdogs. nick takes one look at them and pulls a jacket over his face, blanching. they tilt their chairs back and sleep just like that, turned towards each other, fingertips just barely touching in the space between.

++

nick is himself again. he kicks chris to the backseat for questioning his abilty to drive and then alicia to the backseat because he looked so mopey to be alone. they pass sunflower seeds to each other when he’s not looking and spit the shells at his ears until he sends them both to the backseat for being assholes and they pout at him in the rearview mirror before falling asleep in a heap, seatbelt pulled out and twisted, limbs tangled.

he drives for a long time, into the night, smaller and smaller roads, until they’re the only car on the freeway and the radio crackles while his headlights eat up the road. he rolls down the window and tastes the night air and hears himself think for the first time in a long long while.

++

alicia wakes when he touches her shoulder, gentle. she rubs at her eyes, and mumbles his name. he undoes her seatbelt and helps her up, murmuring as she toddles into the motel room and faceplants into the bed. he goes back out and chris is out like a light. he hefts him with a small grunt and mutters about powerbars and protein shakes while he carries chris into the room and lays him out next to alicia, who’s already asleep again, snuffling. he tugs a blanket over them and puts the television on low to keep them company while he goes down to the 24 hour liquor store on the corner.

++

alicia finds the bottles the next morning and hurls them at nick in the parking lot while he ducks and dodges and calls her a crazy bitch. she screams that he’s a junkie and a disgrace and she hates him, god she hates him.

nick storms off when she starts crying because she’s not wrong and everyone knows it--he knew it before she did.

++

alicia leaves chris sleeping and finds nick by the vending machines. “what are we even doing?”

nick snorts, lighting a cigarette. “when have i ever known, leesh?” he rocks back on his heels when she shoves him, palms to his chest and fingers twisting in his shirt.

“what are you doing,” she asks, teary eyed, “why are you doing it?”

“i don’t know,” he repeats, retreating, “i don’t--” she tries to slap him and he grabs her by the wrist, twisting it up against her back and pinning her down on the picnic table. he’s pressed against her spine, hard against her thigh, lips on the back of her neck. “sshh, shh. it’s okay.”

“nick,” she mumbles, her stance widening. her hips cant. “nicky, please.”

“i’ve got you,” he murmurs, spitwet and heavy breathing, nudging her feet wider while she squirms and pleads and comes apart from just one finger, how well he knows her, her jeans around her ankles and bent over, hands on the edges of faded splintery wood and her panties hooked to the side.

++

chris pays for a real hotel, one with a tub, and shuffles up to alicia with a tiny bottle of cheap shitty bubblebath and a shy quiet smile. she walks backwards, step by step, their pinkies hooked. he trembles when she undresses him, a puddle of clothing at his feet and his weight leaned on her when he steps free of it.

he’s careful when he undoes her shirt, her bra. he looks at her for permission before gently tugging her underwear down and kneels to free her feet from her socks, dotting a single kiss on her anklebones before standing again.

she cradles him to her in the bath and they drift lazy for so long he goes soft, floating in the water between her hips. when the water goes cold she takes him in her hand and coos in his ear and he stammers her name, pleading until she gives him permission.

++

nick wakes up when they climb in on either side of him, smelling like cheap bubbles and hotel shampoo and each other. they hook a leg over both of his hips, overlapping, and he feels chris’s tongue, hesitant and curious, tasting his skin just below his jaw. alicia sinks her teeth into his shoulder with a growl, claiming. “i’ll pick where we go tomorrow,” he says, voice rasping, and when they hum agreement it’s pitch perfect, harmonized.