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free-pool-trash · 4 years ago

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folklore - isaac lahey {6/?}

part 6 (again) 😖 ***the timeline/sequence of events is messed up but it doesn’t matter too much it’s just to move the story along faster*** everything about this is a hot mess, i hope you love it ;)

(sorry about this i rlly dont know wtf happened it just spazzed out, sorry yall)

word count: 4k

warnings: blood, tension, kissing ;), mentions of abuse, swearing

taglist: @makeusfreefromthisfandom, @cece-lives-here, @chocolate-raspberries, @belsandthings, @dancing-tacos-23, @truly-dionysus, @britty443, @tanyaherondale, @furiouspockettoad, @yunsh-17, @random-thoughts-003, @gloomybrieyxb, @futuristicslimemongerbanana, @linkpk88, @big-galaxy-chaos, @im-a-stranger-thing, @riaisnotcool, @its-evita-here, @pad-foots, @sweetpeabellamyblakedracomalfoy, @bookswillfindyouaway, @what-the-hap-is-fuckening, @awkwardnesshabitat, @pieces-by-me, @wreny24 let me know if you’d like to be added <3

MASTERLIST

To say Isaac Lahey looked like he’d been beaten to a pulp would have been a colossal understatement. The boy practically limped into school the day after his father demonstrated his dissatisfaction for his youngest son after attending his parent teacher meeting.

It’d been a long night of taking punches, kicks and insults that would plague Isaac’s mind for weeks to come. His voice was raw from screaming to be released from the freezer he’d been locked in after his father grew bored of inflicting pain physically. Deciding psychological pain was just as good as physical pain, his father left him to think about his inferiority for an entire night, only letting him out an hour before he was due to start school.

His lip still dripped scarlet as he walked the halls, both eyes black and ever so slightly swollen and so very tired looking. His steps were taken shakily. It didn’t take him long to notice you standing by his locker, waiting for him as usual. Usually when his eyes flickered over you his body would fill with relief. But after remembering how upset you’d been in your car the day before he found his relief being replaced by guilt and dread.

Isaac ducked his head, he did this purely to avoid your eyes. He still made his way towards you nonetheless.

The first thing to hit you was the scent of blood. Fresh and warm and right from the source, you could tell- you weren’t sure how you could tell but you just knew. You lifted your eyes from the floor. You wished you hadn’t when your eyes landed on Isaac, hobbling towards you with blood dripping down his split bottom lip.

The second thing to hit you, though, was the undeniable feeling of guilt that hit you when Isaac refused to meet your gaze.

As soon as his slow and sluggish steps carried him to you your hands flew to his cheeks, gentle but firm, you cupped them and tried your very hardest to ignore how much you wanted to run your tongue along his bleeding lip. It was proving a lot harder than you would have ever thought it would, in all honesty.

You forced your eyes to stay locked on his, your jaw tight and teeth clenched, your own anger overpowering Isaac’s guilt. “What did he do to you?” You asked him softly, brushing your thumbs along his cheekbones with a feather like touch. The last thing you wanted to do was put him in any more pain than he was already in.

“I may have a C minus in more than just chem.” Isaac explained flatly. Despite the slight ache your hands caused him he couldn’t stop himself from melting into you, loving your warmth as opposed to the cold of the basement freezer.

At his confession you found yourself unable to hold yourself back any longer. You let out a sigh and Isaac fixed you with a confused gaze as he watched your brows furrow in determination. “Come with me.”

Isaac followed behind you as you led him towards the basement of the school, nobody ever went down there and your first class, with Isaac, happened to be a free period. It wasn’t until you were standing across from each other again in the narrow dark hallway of the basement that Isaac spoke up in question, “Did you bring me down here to kill me or…”

You let out a shaky sigh, confidence waning as you second guessed yourself. Was this a good idea? Absolutely not. Would it make him feel better, however? Incredibly so, yes.

Deciding you’d probably stretched the whole “keep Isaac out of it” thing as far as you could, there was no point keeping it from him any longer- he was getting hurt whether he knew about the supernatural or not.

“I’m about to tell you something completely bizarre and I need you to, one, please believe me and don’t freak out and, two, don’t be mad at me for not telling you sooner.” Isaac’s eyebrow rose in concern, “Yeah- yeah sure, ok- what is it?” His voice was filled with worry as were his eyes, that still sparkled despite the dark purple colouring surrounding them paired with the dim lightening of the windowless basement.

“Remember that thing that bit me?” You asked and he nodded mutely, “well, it sort of… gave me something.”

Isaac gasped, “Rabies?” His question was so positively drenched with genuine concern that you had to laugh, grabbing his hand and shaking your head softly.

“No, I don’t have rabies.” You laughed again, his relieved sigh bouncing off the walls.

“Thank God.”

“It’s probably best if I just show you.” You told him, smiling softly and nodding your head in resolve. You were doing this.

“Show me wha-... holy shit.” Isaac gasped yet again, mouth agape and eyes wide as he stared at your, now slightly changed face, your eyes were a glowing purple and you had fangs? Something in the back of his head told him that, really, he should be afraid. But he wasn’t. Not even in the slightest. He thought the look suited you quite frankly. The way the purple glow of your eyes reflected against your complexion in the dim lighting was, in all honesty, completely mesmerising.

“I’m a vampire.” You clarified, although it was perfectly obvious. Isaac only nodded his head numbly, still trying to comprehend what he was looking at.

When he didn’t say anything after a solid ten seconds you spoke yet again, “I’m telling you because, I hate seeing you hurt…” Your voice trailed off, you weren’t exactly sure what to say in the moment.

It was just then that Isaac spoke up, a sad lilt in his voice while he squeezed your hand, “Come on, (N/n). Don’t do this to yourself, you know there’s nothing you can do-“ You cut him off, voice a mix of anxiety and excitement, “But Isaac! I can! I can do something about it! Okay? Look- I’ve got all these new vampire abilities and one of them…” You paused to take a breath, eyes flying around his face frantically before you finally locked your gaze with his.

Swallowing the lump on your throat you finished, “I can take your pain away. And physically heal you- but that might not be such a good idea. Your dad would know something was up.”

One thing you loved about Isaac was that he always took your word for things. He never ever doubted you and always believed you when you told him something. Even in a situation like this< he never asked questions< he simply trusted you.

“Will taking my pain away hurt you? Because if it will then absolutely not, I’ll keep it to myself I don’t want you getting hurt because of-“ Isaac fretted anxiously, only stopping when your hands returned to their previous spot on his cheeks, smiling sweetly, “It won’t hurt at all. It’s actually quite enjoyable.”

“How do you do it?” He asked tentatively, hands moving to rest on your waist, an action that wasn’t entirely uncommon but was usually saved for the most intimate of shared moments, which, you supposed, this was.

Nervously you chewed on the inside of your cheek before telling him, “Well, when I feed on someone, its got some kind of euphoric effect- kinda like a drug high or something.”

Isaac, yet again, nodded his head. “Okay. Go for it.” He told you surely, though hints of anxiety still lingered in his voice.

You nodded slowly in response. Your hands slipped from his cheeks, the left was now tangled in his curls and tilting his head gently to the side to expose his, already bruised, neck. The other grabbed ahold of his shoulder, bringing him down so that you were level with his neck.

Isaac’s eyes stayed glued to you while you walked him carefully backwards until his back met the wall of the basement, your eyes were still glowing and it was when you nervously peered up at him through your lashes that he realised; he’d do anything you ever asked him to.

“This might sting a bit. Tell me if you start to feel dizzy.” You warned before, hesitantly, moving your fangs towards his neck. His grip on your waist tightening as you bit into him, as gently as you could. He let out a short hiss of pain before you felt him relax against you, his eyes closed and his jaw fell slack the second his blood hit your tongue.

His blood was an entirely new experience. It tasted like, you didn’t actually know, but it was like nothing you’d ever consumed before. If you thought Stiles’ blood was good, Isaac’s was on another level. Maybe all your pinning for him made him taste better to you? You didn’t know.

A satisfied sound unconsciously left your mouth at the flavour while your hand tightened in his hair, but in your close proximity you picked up something more than just the taste of his blood. It felt like… lust?

The feeling was backed up by the throaty groan falling from Isaac’s mouth, his hands not only tightening on your waist but pulling you closer to his body. Now chest to chest as your lips moved on his neck.

True to your word, Isaac already forgot about the ache in his body- his mind now consumed by the feeling of you, the girl he was not so secretly in love with, with your lips and tongue situated on his neck. And if that alone wasn’t enough to steer his mind away from his pain, the feeling the bite gave to him definitely did the trick.

It was like morphine running straight through his veins. He felt not only like he’d never been hurt to begin with but as well as that, and maybe more importantly, his mind was completely at peace- his thoughts purely consumed by you.

The way you looked when you removed your mouth from his neck was bordering on ethereal, your bodies remained pressed against each other and for a few moments you simply stared at each other with half lidded eyes. Isaac’s breath came out in pants as he stared down at you, your own eyes captivated by the dried blood on his lower lip. Noticing this, and with very little composure what with his current blissed out state, Isaac spoke, “You can take it- the blood. If you want it.”

You weren’t sure at what point it had happened but the lust you felt earlier had magnified tenfold, although you were sure it didn’t all belong to Isaac- you felt it too. He stared at your lips the way you’d been starring at his only seconds ago, did he want you to kiss him? It seemed like it. Did you want to kiss him. Absolutely. A thousand times over.

Again you found yourself wondering; was this a good idea? And, again, you found yourself thinking that, no, it probably wasn’t the best idea.

Your inhibitions were lowered significantly since you fed, feeding on Stiles’ had been enjoyable but feeding on Isaac, though- that had been intoxicating. Perfectly content to blame what you were about to do on your intoxication if it came back to bite you in the ass, you moved your hands back to their favourite spot cupping Isaac’s cheeks.

Slowly, you pulled him back down to your level, the boy in your grasp complying quite happily, seemingly entranced by your face. Butterflies were erupting violently in your stomach at the way his blue eyes fluttered over your face appreciatively as if admiring art and the way his hands held you to him so tenderly, like he was afraid to hurt you despite knowing you were a supernatural entity.

What you’d give for him to gaze at you like that, so openly and surely, all the time.

Without giving it any further thought you gave into what you’d been craving for the longest time and pressed your lips against his, the action feeling more intoxicating than the blood itself.

Isaac’s hands mirrored yours, sliding up your side before resting against your cheeks.

His lips moved furiously against yours. The many bruises and injuries that littered his body were long forgotten as he tasted you against his lips, finally.

Your breath came out in pants as you pulled away, your forehead resting against Isaac’s and your chests still pressed against each other.

It was only when you studied his face that you’d realised you never even got the blood from his split lower lip. What made you feel better though, was the fact that he’d kissed you as passionately as you’d kissed him and his hands that still cupped your cheeks.

“That definitely made me feel better.” Isaac breathed out against your lips, a dopey smile forming on his own.

An airy laugh left your throat at his comment, all your fears of the kiss causing havoc evaporated from your mind with the sound of his voice.

“On a scale of one to ten how drunk do you feel right now?” You asked him teasingly, noticing his eyes were glazed over and his almost static feeling happiness was popping in your chest, almost like fireworks.

Isaac only shrugged, his happiness feeling as though it couldn’t ever be dampened after the kiss he’d just shared with you. “Tipsy at best.” He answered, and true enough you noticed he’d regained his composure a lot faster than Stiles had done the first time you fed on him. Kisses did have a tendency to be sobering, you supposed.

A silence fell over the pair of you after that. Isaac’s eyes returned their gaze to your lips yet again and you would’ve had to be blind not to notice. By this point your eyes had returned to their usual colour and your fangs reverted back into their dormant form of your regular canines, he was simply looking at you now, just you, no supernatural frills to be seen. But as always, you just being you was enough for him.

“Would our friendship be destroyed if I told you I really want to kiss you again?” Before you could even answer, he was already dipping his lips back to yours. Not that you minded.

This time, his lips moved slowly and gently, his thumbs rubbing against your cheekbones before they slipped back down to grasp your waist. As your lips, yet again, meshed perfectly with his, that feeling came over your chest again. That light, fluffy feeling he not only gave you but also radiated. It was only when he pulled away for the second time that you put your finger on exactly what that feeling was- love.

With the realisation- the confirmation that the love you felt towards Isaac was mutual you couldn’t stop the wide smile that formed on your lips, you chased his lips once more after he’d pulled away and tried to keep your giggles quiet when he met you halfway with just as much enthusiasm and his smile just as wide.

It was probably a stupid question but you asked it anyway, “So… you’re not mad that I didn’t tell you about the whole vampire thing?” Isaac shook his head, “I know now. I get why you didn’t tell me.”

“I wanted to.” You told him, a nervous smile taking over your lips as you continue, “But I was kinda warned against it.” He nodded his head, although he was confused, who would’ve even warned you? Were there more supernatural creatures in Beacon Hills that he didn’t know about?

His thoughts didn’t wander too far as your soft voice cut them off, “I’m glad you know now. I missed ranting to you.”

The boy, still holding your waist, let out a sigh, “I’m glad you told me, too. I knew something was wrong but I didn’t know what. You had me worried.” He told you, laughing airily towards the end.

When he saw the look of guilt beginning to form on your face he immediately changed the course of the conversation. “While we’re confessing stuff…” he began, shy Isaac returning as his eyes fluttered anywhere but your eyes. “We’ve been best friends for a while, and um- I’ve wanted to tell you for a while- years… yeah for years… but um-“ you couldn’t help but smile as he rambled, you thought you had a clue where he was going. “Isaac.” You cut him off softly, smile never faltering when you finally dropped your palms from his cheeks, placing them over his that were still on your waist and giving them a reassuring squeeze.

“Take a breath.” You instructed with a laugh. Taking your advice Isaac took a deep breath, manoeuvring his hands to hold yours, your intertwined hands hanging between the both of you now.

“I like you- love you! I love you. A lot. In a more than best friends way. And I have for a… twelve, yeah, no I’ve loved you since we were twelve. It’s okay if you don’t feel the same! I just thought since we kissed just now that maybe you-“ He was rambling again, as he tended to do when he was nervous and in the moment you couldn’t think of any other way to shut him up than to plant your lips against his. Effectively cutting him off as you did so.

To be perfectly honest, you could definitely get used to kissing him like this all of the time. When you removed your lips from his, for what felt like the millionth time, Isaac’s eyes remained shut. With the absence of blue it really hit you how beaten up he really was, his eyes were black and purple as well as swollen terribly. When you took him in, the words fell from your lips before you could think of some flowery way to present them, “I love you too.”

A sigh of relief left his mouth and he finally found the courage to open his eyes again. The moment was ruined by the class bell ringing in the distance, signifying that your free period was now over and you’d both need to be getting to class.

The pair of you headed off together with wide smiles on your faces that didn’t seem to die down throughout the rest of the day. At the end of the school day, he’d walked you to your car and gave you a kiss goodbye before walking away looking the most pleased you’d ever seen him.

To put it simply, you were on cloud nine. As soon as you entered your kitchen once you got home from school, though, you found yourself crashing straight back down to earth.

Sitting in front of you in all his glory was Derek Hale, it didn’t excite you to see he didn’t look even remotely like he was about to apologise for being a shitty, unloyal pack member, “What do you want?” You snapped, tossing your school bag by his feet rather aggressively for no particular reason. It felt kind of nice to mildly inconvenience him.

“You need to leave.” Was all he said and you rolled your eyes, crossed your arms over your chest and stared at him with a raised eyebrow, “May I remind you, Derek, you don’t fucking live here. So maybe you need to leave.” You snapped, venom seeping from your tone but it didn’t seem to phase him, he knew how things worked with you. You were always hard to lose but once you were gone you were even harder to get back.

“Beacon Hills, (Y/n). You need to leave Beacon Hills.” He clarified for you, still remaining stoic. “What? Why?” You wanted a good reason. A really good reason. You didn’t just confess your love to your best friend of six years to have Derek swan back into your business and tell you had to leave town for no good reason.

“If I tell you, you won’t leave.” Was he serious? He couldn’t give you a reason to leave but you could think of about ten reasons to stay, he obviously wasn’t one of them at the minute.

“You’re full of shit.” You stated, “I’m not going anywhere.”

“Look I know you don’t exactly like me right now, kid. But for the first time since you turned I’m actually trying to look out for you, alright?” His stoic facade had dropped now, he was practically begging.

You clenched your jaw, you didn’t want to be difficult but it was hard when the man in front of you wasn’t exactly a smooth operator himself. “If you want me to trust you tell me why.”

“We know who the Alpha is. He’s going to be coming for you next and we need to get you as far away from here as we can before he gets to you.” Derek finally explained, his anxiety bouncy from every cell in his body right into your chest. “Who is it?” You wondered, who could it have been that would make you want to stay? It wasn’t Isaac, it could’ve been Scott but that wasn’t likely seeing as he was looking for the alpha too. It definitely wasn’t Stiles.

Derek didn’t answer this question. “Your dad is in a meeting with Chris Argent right now. His sister, Kate, was onto you, wants to put your fangs on a necklace. Your dad’s keeping them distracted long enough for me to get you out. So, we need to go. Your stuff is already in my car.” He rushed out grabbing your forearm with a grip you knew you couldn’t wriggle out of. (Not that you didn’t try.)

The wolf had to practically wrestle you into the passenger seat, ignoring all of your colourful threats of what you’d do to his precious car once you got free of his hold as he strapped you in.

Once he got into the driver’s seat, he immediately began to drive, way over the streets speed limit, and it wasn’t until you passed the “Visit Again Soon!” Beacon Hills sign that you piped up.

“Ok, we’re officially out of town. Now tell me what the hell is going on.” You demanded, the tension between you and Derek growing with every mile he drove.

Letting out a deep sigh he finally answered, “The Alpha? It’s Peter.”

The gasp that left you was sharp and Derek knew you’d handle this information with as much disbelief as he had.

Peter couldn’t have been the alpha. The alpha killed Laura Hale- tore her apart. The alpha bit Scott and you, Scott had told you he’d even punched his fist through Derek’s chest and chased him, Stiles, Alison, Jackson and Lydia around the school a few nights ago. Peter wouldn’t have done all of those things… The Peter you knew wouldn’t do all of of those things.

The the more you thought about it the more it began to add up in your mind. The voice, the one you’d heard that night in the hospital, so full of clarity and intention, the voice that consistently rattled your brain with the words of “Don’t let it kill you.” That voice, it belonged to Peter.

“Stiles and I found out last night. He said he had plans for you, he said he wanted the both of his by his side- in his pack. We knew if he got to you right now you’d join him. Even if it was just to spite me.” He explained softly, his brotherly tone making an appearance for the first time in weeks.

Furrowing your eyebrows, you stared at Derek in confusion, “What makes you think I would’ve gone with him.” You asked, a tiny bit offended by his statement although you had a feeling he was onto something, even if you weren’t ready to admit it to yourself.

“I wouldn’t have blamed you. I’ve been thinking about what you said last night before you ran off and you’re right. I forgot about you when you needed me the most and I’m sorry for that. We both know you and Peter always had a stronger bond than the rest of us. Hating me would make him look better” He told you, not receiving an answer as he watched you stare emptily out the car window, watching the sun as it set.

“You were always so independent growing up, you did things yourself and you loved it. I didn’t know what to make of you becoming a vampire, to be honest I was hoping you’d become a wolf.” Letting out a heavy sigh Derek finished his little speech, “I didn’t know how to help you. It made me feel useless so I focused all of my time on helping Scott. I know it hasn’t been easy for you but where you’re going is going to be really good for you.”

“And where exactly are you taking me.” You asked suspiciously. “Before you freak out, you’re only staying there until we stop whatever Peter is planning. Two weeks tops.” He tried to reason but it only served to panic you further, “Derek, where are you taking me.”

“I’m dropping you off at the airport and your getting on the next flight to Virginia.” Your eyes widened as you let out a small screech, “Virginia? That’s like a five hour flight! Why Virginia? And for two week? What about the Winter formal?” You rambled, voice high pitched with panic.

Derek shot you a sympathetic look before returning his attention to the highway, “I’ve got a few friends there. One of them is kind of a vampire expert. Says he knows some people that might be able to help train you.” The wolf explained.

Derek had friends? That was truly shocking.

“Who’s your friend?” You asked curiously.

“His name’s Alaric Saltzman. He’s picking you up at the airport when you land.”

“So I’m staying with some man I’ve never even met? Cool. Really not worrying at all, Derek. And my parents are on board with this little plan?” You inquired uneasily.

Derek let out a snigger at this, “Seeing as your mother was the one to suggest him, yes. Your dad isn’t so keen on the idea.”

He was chuckling like a little kid and you felt as though you were missing something, “Why isn’t he too keen on it?”

His laugh came out full voice now as he looked at you with a mischievous grin, “Because before he and your mother got together, she was dating Ric.”

Your eyes widened and your jaw almost hit the floor, “So your shipping me off to my mother's ex to keep me away from my alpha werewolf uncle? You guys are the fucking worst.”

#isaac lahey x reader #isaac lahey #teen wolf x reader #derek hale x reader #folklore i.l

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lunzbaku · 4 years ago

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Kissing Distance

“You are talking mad shit for someone at kissing distance.”

Summary: Shiketsu High School partnered up with U.A. High for joined training week. Bakugou gets paired with F/N, a snarky student from Shiketsu High who ends up making Bakugou ~flustered~

Pairing: Katsuki Bakugou x F/N

A/N: POV change a little

Ugh. Great. The week i’ve been dreading has finally tumbled upon me.

Joined training week with U.A. Highs Hero Program. I was not looking forward to this week at all. If you couldnt tell already. Its fine though. Right?

I couldn’t care less about anyone from U.A. They all seemed so egotistical and too full of themselves, well at least from what i’ve heard.

“Today is the first day of training and let me tell you we have a long week ahead of ourselves.” Our teacher tells us as we enter U.A. Highs training center. We see Class 1-A standing near Eraser Head. They actually seemed nice.

~~~

“This is Shiketsu Highs hero program, please be respectful as we give you your assigned partners for this week.”

This isnt what you expected at all. We are going to be paired up with someone we havent talked to before? Great. Just great.

“Todoroki is paired with Yoarashi.”

“Bakugou with L/N.”

You were mentally freaking out. Theres no way you were going to be working with U.A.s biggest hothead. Yoarashi and Camie told you all about how he was rude and never shut his mouth. You’ve seen him on the news from when he got kidnapped by the League of Villians, when a Villian tried attacking him and how he won his schools sport festival.

You wanted to see the bright side of things. Being paired up with Bakugou couldn’t be such a bad thing, you thought.

“Thats it. I’ve explained the objectives and the teams, we will start in 20. Take this time to mingle with everyone and get to know your partner a little more.”

You were standing next to Yoarashi as he walks over to Todoroki and the rest of Class 1-A. For some reason you couldnt help being a little excited that Bakugou was your partner. He wasn’t bad looking, you kinda thought he was cute.

“Hi! Im F/N L/N!” You interupt Yoarashi before he gets to shout at Todoroki about his soba preference. You had your hands behind your back as you smile at everyone.

“You can call me Kirishima-“

“Oooo! Your hero costume is so cute!! Im Mina!! I wish I got you as my partner you’re so pretty.” Mina exclaims as she plays with your hair. You giggle.

“And thats Mineta... I’d stay away from him. Hes a pervert.” Mina tells you as both of you walk around the training center as she introduced you to everyone.

“So what about Bakugou?” You ask looking around for him. Mina stops walking and stares at you.

“Oh, Bakugou. He hates everyone but i’ll introduce you guys.” Mina grabs your hand heading over to where ‘bakusquad’ were.

“Im F/N, Im also your partner for this week.” You introduce yourself again, this time putting your hand out for him to shake. He looks up at you then looks over to your hand. He scoffs and gets up from where he was sitting.

“Whatever. Just dont drag me down.” He says walking away from you and everyone else. Your eyes widen at this rude interaction. So shocked that you havent even moved a muscle.

“I dont like to leave people hanging.” Sero laughs as he got up to shake your hand that was still awaiting Bakugous. You feel your ears heat up when Sero shook your hand.

“Well thats Bakugou for you.” Denki said.

“Yeah! Hes like that all the time, don’t take it too personal. Trust me. Been there done that.” Kirishima told you as you giggled.

You honeslty should’ve expected this coming from Katsuki Bakugou.

~~~

The 20 minutes of chatting were up. We all weee next to our assigned partners and were about to begin warm ups. They were designed to help us get closer to our partners and really understand each others quirks, which will help us for the final challenge later this week.

Bakugou and I were in a somewhat secluded section of the training center. All we had to do was get to the other end of the town and take Deku and his partners flag and return back to our station. It was to test our partnership skills mostly. We were given 10 minutes to plan. Shouldn’t be a problem.

“Damn Deku.”

You heard Bakugou huff under his breath.

“Listen. I have an idea. All we have to do is-“

“You dont go around telling me what to do, you damn extra.” Bakugou sneered.

Oh hell no. You werent about to let some egotistical brat talk to you like that. No way.

“Suki, maybe if you weren’t so hotheaded this could’ve been easier.” You sneer back inching closer to him.

“Whatever. Damn woman. Whats your plan.” He huffed again. A smile was drawn on your face. You told Bakugou your plan.”

“Sounds pretty stupid to me.” Bakugou told you. You let out a huff.

“Well. I dont assume you could do any better?” You say back.

“Of course I can. Your plan was complete shit.” Bakugou says. This time inches away from your face.

“You’re talking mad shit for someone whos kissing distance.” You licked your lips.

Bakugou steps back an inch. Not realizing how close the two of you were standing. He felt his checks heat up. He abruptly turns his head away to hide his red cheeks. You both hear the loud noise of the alarm indicating the 10 minutes were up.

“Tsk. We’ll use your shitty plan.” He huffs again while walking away from you.

You cant help but smirk.

You just got Katsuki Bakugou flustered.

A/N: Hey. Its me again. Sorry for any spelling or grammatical errors I was in a rush to post this!!

#bakugou katsuki #bnha #bnha imagines #katsuki bakugo x reader #mha #mha imagines

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dawnpil · 6 years ago

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synopsis of a calendar

summary: in which we ignore jae’s pollen allergy and give him a flower shop, and younghyun’s a college student doing his level best to understand why his calendar predicts his future. pairing: jaehyungparkian genre: fluff length: 15k. i’m so sorry. it might be better to read it on ao3. ao3: [x] notes: i started writing this in like 2016 and i finally finished it and i feel so goddamn successful. most of my stuff is t for teen only because of swearing and this isn’t any different. find me on twitter @hihenlo!!

january

on the ninth day of january younghyun finds himself on the street, staring up at his apartment with his bags in his hands, trying not to cry because he knows the tears will just freeze and make him colder. for all he had suspected his girlfriend was cheating on him, he never expected she would be the one to kick him out of the apartment. but he was too stunned by her announcement to put up much of a defense; she seemed almost proud of what she had done, and so he packed his things and left per her instructions, and now he has nowhere to go.

he supposes maybe he could crash with sungjin, but the grad student has enough on his plate with his studies to worry about younghyun.

with a sigh younghyun lets his knees give out and he sinks to the curb to pull a thicker jacket out of his bag. it won’t be enough, not without somewhere to go, but it’ll be better than nothing. he sits, shivers, thinks, and once he starts to lose feeling in the tips of his ears he settles on sungjin, tells himself he’ll just be a quiet presence in the flat without being a distraction or a problem.

picking up bags with stiff fingers is no easy task but he manages, huddles further into his jacket, and begins the twenty-minute walk to sungjin’s part of the city.

he’s maybe halfway there when he passes a tiny flower shop, the display in the window somehow still bright and blooming despite the cold. he doesn’t know much about flowers, but he knows sungjin’s boyfriend does, so younghyun looks for the name of the shop so he can remember to bring sungjin back here, but just as he sees “thistledown” in looping gold script one of his bags slips off of his shoulder and his reflexes are not quick enough to catch it.

he groans and bends to pick it back up, and then the door to the shop opens with the tinkling of a bell and younghyun looks up to see a young man standing in the doorway, concern in dark eyes.

“you okay?”

“f-f-f-fine,” younghyun stutters, nearly biting his tongue with harshly chattering teeth.

“i mean, obviously you’re not. come in for just a minute to warm up. you’ll be an ice cube if you stay out there any longer.” if this is some sort of marketing ploy, offering warmth to a freezing stranger, younghyun has to admit it’s effective, and so the shop worker slings younghyun’s bag over his own arm and leads younghyun into the shop. “i’m jae. you?”

“y-y-y—”

“never mind. tell me in a minute when your teeth stop chattering.”

younghyun expects jae to have a place to sit in the shop itself, but instead jae leads him up a spiral staircase hidden behind the counter and several stands of trailing vines to a cosy little apartment above the shop. he throws a few blankets at younghyun, helps him take his bags off of his shoulders, and bustles about making a cup of tea in the tiny kitchen as younghyun curls up in an armchair and surveys the place.

“here.” a warm mug is held out to younghyun, and he reaches out but his fingers are so stiff he thinks he’ll never be able to hold it properly, until a pair of warm, slender hands wrap around his own and keep the mug steady as younghyun warms his fingers.

jae seems content to wait, studying younghyun with steady eyes, and finally younghyun regains enough feeling in his limbs to lift the mug to take a sip, and with the way jae’s hands linger for a moment he thinks maybe jae will hold on even as he drinks, but a second later he lets go and lets younghyun do it for himself. the tea is fragrant and sweet and, most importantly, warm, and jae flashes a hint of a smile when younghyun sighs appreciatively.

it appears jae’s not much of a talker, as they sit in silence until the tea warms younghyun’s insides and his teeth settle a peace treaty and stop attacking one another. “i—i’m younghyun,” he says, as soon as he can, only a little bit of a stutter left in his voice, though he’s not entirely warm yet.

“so, younghyun-ssi, what were you doing looking all the world like a puppy kicked out of its home and left to freeze to death?”

“my girlfriend kicked me out. i was going to stay with my friend, but it’s a bit of a walk and i didn’t have time to grab my proper coat when i left.”

“who’s this friend? and how far would it be from here to walk? any longer in this weather and i think i might find you tomorrow like an ice statue at a wedding—a very nice one, i might add.”

younghyun swears the flush in his cheeks is entirely due to the cold and definitely not because jae is cute, soft edges and slender fingers and a sprig of tiny white flowers tucked behind his ear that emphasize the sparkle in his brown eyes. “park sungjin, he lives like ten minutes away.”

“park sungjin, grad student? music composition, dating im jaebeom?”

younghyun nods, surprised. “you know him?”

“we were in undergrad together. i dabbled in composition and had a few classes with him. he’s kinda busy to end up with a roommate, as far as i know.”

“i just...thought i would be quiet,” younghyun mutters. he realizes now it does maybe sound a little dumb, when he’s a music major and needs space to compose and practice, but he doesn’t really have other options. before he can voice this jae sighs, something in his expression that might be embarrassment, and fiddles with the flowers behind his ear.

“you could stay here for a bit, if you like, just until you find another place.” as soon as he finishes speaking he stands, grabs younghyun’s empty mug, and bustles about the kitchen pouring more tea, leaving younghyun blinking in shock behind him.

“wh—why would you do that for me?”

“jin has mentioned you a few times. you are the kid he’s arranged guitar pieces for, right?” younghyun nods. “so i know you’re not a bad kid, and jin would be disappointed in me if i left you to freeze, and i have an extra bedroom that right now is just a storage place for a few flowers, and it wouldn’t be a problem, really. we can talk to sungjin tomorrow and see if he could make it work with you, so it might just be for tonight.”

younghyun sees jae’s hands freeze, when he has nothing else to do, but dithers about for a moment refusing to turn around until he has to, and there’s maybe a bit of a blush on jae’s cheeks as he meets younghyun’s gaze. “that would be nice, jae-ssi. if it’s no trouble for you, and i’m not really going to be here during the day so i’ll be out of your way when the shop is open.”

the extra bedroom is small, but the various succulents that line the windowsills and bookshelves make it cozy, just as the rest of the apartment is. “these are the succulents i have to keep a closer eye on in the winter,” jae explains. “i can move them into the dining room if you don’t want them in here—”

“they’re fine,” younghyun says. “they’re great.”

jae offers a small smile and ducks out of the room, and younghyun ignores the idea of unpacking his bags because he’ll probably be out of the apartment by tomorrow night, but he does reach into one pocket of one of his bags and pulls out a little paper calendar, eight days of it crossed off in red ink.

january is daphnes, according to the little note at the bottom of the picture, petals covered in frost, and younghyun sighs and digs a black pen from his bag, and a minute later a tiny flower adorns one corner of the square for january ninth, an x over the blank space.

something in him dreads talking to sungjin; he hasn’t been in the apartment over the flower shop for longer than two hours, and yet he can see himself staying here, finding a home amongst flowers and winding staircases and mugs of fragrant tea.

february

younghyun finds he’s rather gotten used to the flower shop. It takes two weeks for jae to find the time to talk to sungjin, and he doesn’t tell younghyun the details of the arrangement but the fact of the matter is younghyun stays in the little apartment above the shop, biking the five minutes to the university campus on jae’s bike and returning between classes to sequester himself away in a spot jae carves out near the counter of the shop, a table and chair set up as a study space hidden among the pots of cacti and other succulents. younghyun’s found he quite likes succulents, and jae’s let him take over taking care of the ones in his room.

his calendar is filled with flowers, and the delphiniums that make up the february page tuck themselves quietly among the plants in his room.

no matter how much he typically likes the plants, though, he’s frustrated enough he’s considering breaking a few pots, because he managed to forget for a bit about the idea of electives, and the psychology test he has tomorrow morning is kicking his ass. for the life of him he can’t remember the difference between explicit and implicit memory, much less the sequence of the peg-word system, and an hour ago he found it ironic that he can’t remember things about memory but now he’s seething, flipping through his notecards with increasing ferocity.

jae’s been by a few times to deliver fresh cups of green tea, though younghyun still prefers the chrysanthemum brew in the little jar beneath the counter.

an influx of customers came in recently, as it’s days away from valentine’s, and so a gaggle of giggly high school girls are clustered around jae blushing their way through asking him for flowers for the boys they want to confess to. younghyun thinks he’s going to throw his textbook at the girls if he hears one more simpering laugh at a pitch high enough to shatter his eardrums, because for all he’s learning about memory he sure can’t remember anything, not with the way jae’s eyes light up as he tells the girls about the different flowers, the way his long fingers move so deftly to pluck stems from the arrangements and collect them into a new bouquet. jae looks like he’s glowing, blond hair backlit so he appears to have a halo.

younghyun tells himself the only reason he cares about these details is jae seems to be having a grand old time and younghyun is most definitely not; it has nothing to do with the fact that the girls are the ones taking up the florist’s time rather than younghyun.

with a sigh of frustration he gives up, lets himself fall forward until his forehead meets the middle of his textbook, beats a rhythm into the table with his free hand—the rhythm of the song he’s working on for his performance final. he wonders if maybe sitting there with his head on the textbook will help his brain absorb the information by process of osmosis. but he didn’t get any sleep the night before, and he was composing through the whole morning, and it doesn’t take long before he can barely force his eyes open, so he doesn’t, and a minute later all of the noise of the cafe fades away.

“younghyun?” the hand shaking his shoulder is gentle, cool fingers smoothing the hair away from his forehead as he slides his way into consciousness.

“mmph?”

“i let you sleep until i closed the shop. come upstairs with me. you’re too exhausted to keep studying like this.”

younghyun scrubs at his eyes and shoves himself to his feet, sways just a little before gathering up the scattered notecards while jae stacks up his books. they tramp their way up the spiral staircase until jae can force younghyun onto the couch.

“here’s the deal: you’re going to take a nap for twenty minutes, and then i’ll wake you up and help you study, and then you’ll go to bed at a decent time so that you’re well-rested for the test tomorrow.”

and that’s exactly what happens; the couch is surprisingly comfortable, and younghyun sinks his way into it until jae shakes him awake and hands him a cup of tea and quizzes him ruthlessly on his flashcards, and then just after a dinner full of more vocab terms and descriptions of experiments jae shoves younghyun into bed and sits on the floor.

“what’re you doing?” younghyun mumbles, already curling the blankets around his shoulders.

“making sure you don’t spend another two hours on your phone. you’re ready for the test, so sleep so that you’re awake for it.”

younghyun wakes the next morning to see jae’s familiar form still curled up on the floor, an extra blanket wrapped around him, and he laughs softly. it takes just a minute to drape another blanket over him and lean down to smooth some of the hair out of his eyes.

“thanks, hyung,” younghyun whispers, and he grabs his bag and a bite to eat and slips his way out of the shop, feeling more prepared for the test than he’s felt for any other.

march

as spring creeps its way into the air life creeps its way into jae; it’s not necessarily a sudden change, but as new shipments of color arrive for white day the same color inches into jae’s cheeks. he’s vibrant, somehow, and though he barely tans his cheeks hold the slightest hints of pink as he bustles about arranging the new bouquets and the sunlight brings out the sparkle in his eyes when he ventures outside of the shop to set up signs and a few outdoor displays.

boys blush their way into the shop with notes on their phone of a girl’s favorite flowers or turn as scarlet as the roses as they stutter out a response when jae asks what they want the bouquet to mean. men are more confident from years of getting the same bouquet, more assured in their emotions, and as younghyun studies he thinks he likes them better.

when the shop’s not too crowded, it’s apparent jae prefers the blushing boys who allow him to wander the shop and explain the meanings of different blooms and give him more freedom to play with looks or weave flower crowns with nimble fingers.

jae laughed when he saw younghyun’s calendar this month; the purple lilacs that adorn it are said to symbolize the first feelings of love, which jae thinks is fitting for the current customers.

it’s on one of these days that younghyun meets jaebeom, when he comes in for flowers for sungjin.

the weather is shifting, but it’s also getting rainy and younghyun has to bike to and from school and consequently has woken up with a cold after getting drenched the day before. he’s only got afternoon classes today, so he drags himself out of bed late, picks at his breakfast until his scratchy throat protests too much for him to continue, and wraps himself in a blanket cape, scuffing his way down the spiral staircase with his hair still a mess.

jae meets him at the foot of the stairs, worry in his eyes. “younghyun—you look awful. are you okay?”

“thanks, hyung.” younghyun’s voice sounds like wolverine took his claws to his vocal cords, hoarse and scratchy and needing too much effort to get out audible sound. “bad cold, i think.”

a new man appears behind jae, strong features intimidating until he grins at something on his phone. his eyes widen when he sees younghyun and suddenly there’s a strong hand pressed to younghyun’s forehead and broad shoulders blocking his view of the rest of the shop as the stranger fusses over his tired eyes and stuffy nose and what is apparently a fever.

“jaebeom,” jae laughs, “you’re scaring him.”

it’s true that younghyun’s eyes are wide and he’s leaning back away from the stranger’s touch but he isn’t scared, more surprised; it’s been years since he’s had someone who fussed over him like this.

“you should be in bed,” jaebeom says. “have you eaten?”

“y-yes.” younghyun glances to jae for help, and the florist smiles.

“i’ll take care of him. tell minji to fix up your usual and take care of the shop for a while while i get younghyun settled.” jaebeom nods, though he lingers before leaving, clearly wanting to continue to take care of younghyun. “back upstairs we go,” jae says, and marches younghyun back to the little flat, hands cool on younghyun’s too-hot skin as he settles the young man on the couch. “i’ll make some tea to help your throat and grab your laptop and books if you want.”

younghyun nods, every muscle in his body aching while he does what he can to remain as still as possible and relax. he watches jae bustle about the little kitchen, blond hair in his eyes as he hovers over the teapot, dark eyes focused and serious as he prepares a mug and teabag, the pink peony tucked behind his ear bringing out the slight flush in his cheeks.

when jae approaches younghyun and he’s faced directly with the soft smile gracing jae’s lips and the halo of white and pink that frames jae’s face and the sparkle of gold and compassion in jae’s eyes he thinks his heart jumps a bit in his chest. he accredits it to his cough and brushes it off as he sips at the tea in silence for a moment.

“i’m sorry about jaebeom, before,” jae murmurs. “he just wants to take care of everyone.”

“it was fine, hyung.” younghyun smiles, pokes at jae gently.

jae looks up and returns the smile, seemingly relieved, and younghyun is struck by how beautiful jae really is. he’s ethereal, more so when surrounded by his flowers but even here it seems like he glows softly, harsh edges softened by petals and ribbon and the kind of shine in his eyes that only comes from doing something you really love. it’s so much more than just his appearance; he’s kind and gentle and sweet with the little girl that comes in every day after school because she says the shop is magic, and jae gives her a different flower each time, or weaves her a flower crown if he’s not too busy. he helps anyone who comes in, calm and soothing just through his mannerisms and the softness he exudes with roses in his hands and soil brushed across his cheek.

“i’ll grab your things,” jae says, still soft. “and you’ll call wonpil or whoever to get notes, but you’re not going to class, not like this.”

there’s something in younghyun’s chest, a tightness, as jae stands. his heart may skip a beat when jae brushes his dark hair away from his feverish forehead to press a brief kiss there with cool lips that are gone as quickly as they arrived, and he may hide his blush in a tissue when jae returns to pile his laptop and a few books next to the cup of tea.

“i’ll just be downstairs if you need me.” with that jae is gone, younghyun’s lungs aching with the absence of the warm presence. he groans, thumps his head back onto the arm of the couch, and fumbles for his phone.

wonpil’s contact name is the first one that pops up, and he keys out a message and closes his eyes, throws the phone back onto the coffee table so he doesn’t have to see the response.

pil, i think i might have a crush.

april

“hyung, i’m leaving!” younghyun calls, already on his way out the door with wonpil tugging on his hand.

jae looks up from where he’s packaging a little cactus. “be safe!”

younghyun’s “i will” gets lost in the whirlwind of wonpil shoving him into the car and hitting the gas before younghyun has put his seatbelt on; they’re already late for their final recital preparation, and dowoon is going to be pissed. their final grades depend on this, considering how last practice went, but wonpil says there was an ungodly amount of traffic from the university to thistledown that no amount of panicking could fix.

wonpil screeches into the parking lot of the little studio half an hour past when they were supposed to start rehearsing, and the two scramble for their studio.

“dowoon, sorry,” younghyun gasps, and dowoon looks up from his drum kit and sheet music to fix younghyun with a glare. he might be the oldest in the trio, younghyun thinks, but by no means is he in charge, no matter what others might assume; dowoon can be terrifying when he wants to be, when he’s filled with that single-minded determination to make a song the best it can possibly be.

the next forty-five minutes he gets lost in the haze of familiar notes and the usual ache that works its way into his left wrist, but by the time their lunch break rolls around he’s exhausted, flopping onto the floor next to wonpil and dowoon. he’s just taken a bite of food when dowoon turns to him and says, “i hear you have a crush on a certain florist.”

younghyun chokes on his rice. “where did you hear that?”

wonpil smirks. “guilty.”

“that wasn’t—i don’t—you weren’t supposed to tell people!”

“i only told dowoon, and it was only because i wanted his advice about talking to you.”

“talk to me about what, exactly?” younghyun is hunched over his food as though that will protect him, chopsticks clenched firmly in his hands.

“about making a move,” dowoon says. “why don’t you? it’s been almost a month since you mentioned it to wonpil.”

“i live with him,” younghyun replies. “i can’t exactly ask him out and be wrong about how he feels and make things awkward and not have a place to live anymore.”

“but how do you know he doesn’t reciprocate the feelings?” wonpil shifts forward to study younghyun intently.

“because he’s straightforward most of the time and he would tell me if he felt like that and...i don’t know, but i swear to god if either of you breathe a word of this to him because you want to get it over with i will beat your ass.”

the other two laugh; it’s an empty threat and they know it, but the fact that he’s making it means he’s relatively serious about not wanting to mess it up.

“you must really like him.” dowoon’s softening a little bit, eyeing younghyun with the gentleness usually only reserved for his dog.

“god, you have no idea.” this startles a laugh out of younghyun’s friends.

“our younghyunie’s fallen hard, i see,” wonpil teases, and younghyun ducks his head into his knees in a vain attempt to hide his blush.

“he’s just so soft and kind and helpful,” he replies. “it’s like he radiates.”

dowoon laughs. “you should have seen him in college, according to sungjin. three cups of coffee a day, still that weird mix of sarcasm and friendliness, intimidated most of the underclassmen and made more than a few of them cry with his critiques. pretty sure at least half of his classmates were terrified of him.”

“what changed?”

“he opened thistledown. he loved music, still does, but after a while it became more something he was good at than something he loved. said his grandmother had a flower shop and taught him everything she knew, so working in one reminds him of home.”

that’s fitting, younghyun thinks, because the geraniums that make up the april page of his calendar mean comfort, and thistledown has become so much more than just his place of residence over the past few months. he relaxes almost instantly upon stepping into the shop even after a long day, and the winding maze of flowers is more familiar to him than the path to campus, even as jae changes the displays almost daily. more than that, though, jae is home, now, his easy smile and nimble fingers and aura of calm that envelops younghyun like the hugs jae doesn’t really like to give.

“you do realize we’re going to give you as much shit as possible until you say something?” dowoon grins that grin that means nothing good will come of this, and younghyun sighs.

“i know. just, please, let me tell him on my own terms.”

“that’s fair,” wonpil says, and then they all look up as the timer on dowoon’s phone rings to signal the end of their break from practice. “ready to go again?”

may

the third week of may is finals.

younghyun’s not too worried about most of them, but his guitar instructor has decided to make the final a competition between all of his classes. students are still graded individually, but the top three get bonus points, plus prestige, and younghyun is itching to perform.

they’re allowed to invite whoever they want to fill the seats, and wonpil is already promising to drag sungjin and jaebeom away from domestic life and terry didn’t really take any persuading.

of the people younghyun cares about, this leaves only jae, but younghyun has put off asking him for as long as possible. he wants jae only to see the best show younghyun can give and he’s been struggling with the ending of his solo, and the idea of inviting jae to see such a failure has younghyun’s hands shaking any time he approaches the florist.

but may is dandelions, and younghyun has taken to seeing the calendar as something of a prediction for the month, since things have been fairly accurate for the past four months, so he has a bit of confidence that he’ll figure out the song.

he’s still nervous when he approaches jae about it, leaning over the counter so he can hide his shaking hands as jae finishes wrapping up a bouquet for a customer.

“hey, hyung,” he starts, and jae looks over, and younghyun trips over his words as he finds himself the subject of that soft brown gaze.

“yeah?”

“i have, um, there’s this thing—it’s for one of my finals, and—”

“the recital thing?” younghyun nods. “wonpil’s been talking to me about that for a week now. wanted me to go, but i’m not sure that’s really my scene. and i’ve told minji she can have the day off that day so she can go see her sister perform so i’m not sure who would run the shop that day.”

younghyun’s lip is caught between his teeth, brow furrowed. he doesn’t quite know how to vocalize it, but something in him needs jae at that performance, especially with how much time he’s spent worrying about asking him. “please?” he does what he can to widen his eyes and pout a little, the way jae always says is cute. “it would mean a lot to me if you were there.”

there’s a moment of hesitation; younghyun can see jae wavering, his face scrunching as he considers his options. “how much?”

“i think if you were there i could win.” he tries not to cringe, not with how ridiculous of a statement that is.

“a good luck charm?” jae’s smiling just a bit, the little grin he gets when he’s teasing, and younghyun relaxes.

“something like that.”

“if it’s that dire, i suppose i could close the shop for a day. it is a thursday, after all.”

“you mean it?”

“you had better win, is all i’m saying.”

younghyun can’t stop the grin from spreading across his face, and he shakes his hair out of his eyes as he dashes away with a “thanks, jae!” tossed over his shoulder. the laughter that chases him out the door keeps him grinning even as he bursts through the door of the studio.

a week later he’s sitting backstage with wonpil and dowoon, instruments in hand, when younghyun panics. “what if he didn’t come?”

“he did. you know he did, too, considering he wasn’t awake when you left. means he didn’t open the shop.” dowoon is calm, unflappable, eyes dark with stage makeup.

“i know, but still—”

“he’ll be here.” wonpil smiles softly. “he doesn’t back off on his promises, and he said he’d be here.”

before younghyun can voice any more of his anxiety the music for the previous song ends, and a stagehand pauses for a moment as the lights dim, and then in the blackout she’s waving at them to get onstage. there’s a split second after the lights come up before they start their song, and in that beat younghyun’s eyes fall on a familiar figure in the second row, blond hair lit faintly by the lights on the catwalks overhead. their eyes meet and jae gives younghyun a thumbs-up, and then the music starts and younghyun can’t really see jae anymore, not with the lights blinding him and his focus entirely on the chords.

but just knowing that jae is there makes younghyun relax, feel the music the way he’s supposed to, the way he has trouble with when he’s uncertain. as the final note echos into silence he finds jae’s eyes again, reveling in the smile jae flashes.

they get offstage in the blackout, thumping each others’ backs and giving fist bumps, and wonpil reaches over to ruffle younghyun’s hair. “i told you he’d come, dork.”

“yeah.” younghyun is too happy to argue as they return to the green room to wait for their next performance.

his solo is last, a particularly tricky latin-inspired thing that keeps his fingers and his voice moving constantly, shows off the range in his tone, gives the spotlight to the flare of his falsetto and the precision of his hands.

the stagehand waves him onstage again and he finds his spot in the darkness, takes a breath in the moment of silence before the lights come up. he knows the song like the back of his hand, but the ending few measures are tricky, and he goes over it briefly, then thinks of jae. jae is here, watching, encouraging no matter what happens or how younghyun performs, comfort and honeysuckle wrapped up in a person, and younghyun relaxes.

the music starts and he knows this is a good performance—a great one, even, every note exactly as it should be, exactly as he envisions it, and he hardly has to think as he sings. there’s no more hesitation before the ending, just flawless execution in what feels like a single breath, and then he’s finished and blinking in the heat of the stage lights as cheers erupt from the audience.

“there’s a reason,” terry says as the musicians meet friends in the house, “that they chose you to go last.”

younghyun looks to jae to see a nod and smile of approval. “it was a beautiful performance.”

younghyun grins his thanks, accepts sungjin’s slap on the back, and then the musicians are whisked away to get results from their teachers. third place goes to a boy with a beautiful classical piece, a piece the lighting designer had worked wonders on. second is a girl younghyun had been mesmerized by, her voice sinuous and flowing around the gentle notes teased out of her instrument. when they call younghyun’s name for first wonpil is cheering the loudest, but it’s jae who gets him into a hug first, surprisingly strong arms wrapped tight as he grins down at younghyun with that sparkle in his eyes again.

“couldn’t have done it without you,” younghyun says.

“good luck charm?” jae lets him go, smile never dropping.

“good luck charm.”

june

something is different after the performance.

younghyun is just confused, because he doesn’t think he’s changed, but jae avoids him as much as possible for a while, and they rarely speak. conversations, when they do happen, are short and terse, and where younghyun thought they would be in each other’s company more now that he’s not in school, jae finds new ways to invest himself in work and be busy any time younghyun wants to talk.

some time mid june younghyun realizes he misses jae. he misses their easy banter, sarcasm playing well off dorkiness, misses jae’s easy smile when younghyun comes downstairs in the morning, misses the way jae’s face softens as soon as he gets upstairs to the little apartment after a long shift. he misses jae always wanting to check up on where younghyun is going, misses careless teasing about jae sounding out the hangul in his business emails because he still hasn’t quite gotten the hang of reading in korean, misses gentle smiles and rare hugs and the way jae’s eyes light up when he gets talking about music theory now and again.

younghyun thinks he shouldn’t have to be missing these things, not when they live in the same apartment, but something is wrong with their relationship and he doesn’t know how to fix it because he doesn’t know what’s wrong. he’s hoping desperately it’s not that he’s let his feelings show too much and scared jae off, because he’s been trying so hard to keep that hidden to avoid this exact situation, but he doesn’t know what else it could be.

during one of their practices for an upcoming performance he complains about it to dowoon, who laughs at him. when younghyun pouts, wonpil takes pity on him.

“i’m sure it’s not you, younghyunie. maybe he’s wrestling with feelings of his own! maybe he realized he likes you finally and he’s trying to figure out how you feel as well!”

younghyun scoffs at that: of all of the pastel college girls and candy-sweet boys who trip their way into the little flower shop, younghyun is the least likely to be chosen. what does he have that those others don’t? he wasn’t even good enough for his past girlfriend, and she made his shortcomings very clear when she kicked him out in january.

after a week or so more of the awkwardness, though, the little voice in the back of younghyun’s head starts to whisper that maybe wonpil was right. maybe that is the reason jae keeps looking away whenever there’s a threat of eye contact, why he blushes a little when younghyun pulls out his exaggerated aegyo, why there’s more gardenias than ever around the apartment.

jae told him, when he asked, that gardenias represent joy, but younghyun did some of his own research and found that they can also mean secret love. he fumbled his phone out of his pocket the second he discovered this and texted wonpil frantically to try to puzzle out the likelihood of this being meaningful.

wonpil just told him he should ask jae out and discover the truth once and for all, and ignored younghyun’s sad emojis.

there’s no way younghyun has the confidence to make the first move, so he’s starting to content himself to never figuring it out and spending the rest of the time he stays in the apartment over the shop with jae avoiding him; no more late-night chats sitting on the floor with mugs of chamomile tea jae says helps with cramping and tired muscles, no more excited sparkle in jae’s eyes as he shows younghyun the new batch of succulents he’s got for the shop.

it’s as he’s on his way out the door, headed for rehearsal, that jae calls out to him from behind the counter. it’s a slow day, and minji has taken over pruning and replacing wilting blooms with fresh ones, so jae doesn’t seem to have much to do. the flower crowns he’s weaving are likely for himself and minji, and he seems bored with even those.

but younghyun hurries over, barely able to bite back a smile at the fact that jae is the one who instigated this conversation. “what’s up, hyung?”

“i just—” jae stops himself, slender fingers picking at the stems of the daisies he’s weaving together to stand out in minji’s dark hair, and younghyun thinks he sees the beginnings of a flush across jae’s pale cheeks. “i was wondering if, um, you might like to go on a date with me.”

younghyun can’t think. he isn’t sure if he’s breathing right. he thinks his heart might have stopped. there’s no way in hell he heard jae properly.

“can you repeat that?”

“would you like to go on a date with me?” jae is more confident now, squares his shoulders and meets younghyun’s gaze properly for the first time in three weeks.

“i—yeah, yeah i think that’d be pretty cool,” younghyun breathes, and jae’s face splits into that familiar bright-eyed smile.

“i’ll see you after rehearsal, then.”

“y-yeah.” younghyun books it from the shop, stumbles into the studio in despair. “wonpil, wonpillie help i said it would be pretty cool what on earth have i done?”

dowoon just laughs, wonpil orders him to wear that one pair of ripped jeans that show off his legs, and they start practice and younghyun does his best to focus. if he slips up a few more times than usual, well, no one really begrudges him that.

even exhausted as he is he practically sprints home, checks his phone every two seconds to see if jae texted him with their plans. finally, finally, this might be real and not just another one of his shitty dreams that are only shitty because they’re dreams and not reality. jae smiles when younghyun races up the stairs and slams into the apartment.

“go shower and get dressed, and then we’ll leave.”

“where are we going?”

there’s a mischievous glint in jae’s eyes. “it’s a surprise.”

younghyun sighs, but he’s not going to get any more information out of jae; the florist is incredibly tight-lipped when he wants to be.

twenty minutes later he finds the apartment empty, so he goes downstairs to find jae by the counter, busy with something behind the counter. jae freezes for a second when he sees younghyun, eyes raking up and down younghyun’s body without a word. younghyun crosses his arms over his chest, a little uncertain, until jae smiles softly.

“you look wonderful.”

it’s nothing special, just a black button-down striped with white, that one pair of ripped black jeans tucked into loosely-tied combat boots, but when he sent dowoon a snapchat of it dowoon sent back “boyfriend material” as the a-okay, and his advice has paid off.

“i’m ready to go when you are.” he scuffs the toe of his boot into the floor, eyes jae nervously. there’s still time for jae to turn around and say it was all one big joke, reveal a hidden camera and laugh as younghyun’s life crumbles around him.

but all jae does is grab a cooler from behind the counter and ask younghyun to grab the blanket, and they pile the stuff into the car and younghyun has pieced together that they’re having a picnic. it’s sweet, and very much jae, who doesn’t particularly like making a big deal out of displays of affection.

the drive is silent—a little awkward, maybe, nervous, but also familiar. younghyun is relaxing a bit, falling into old patterns now that jae is speaking to him again.

the park jae picks is small, out of the way but pretty, and at this time of day is almost entirely empty. younghyun immediately understands why jae loves it, because the grass is covered in patches of wildflowers left to grow freely, covering the park in splashes of color.

they spread their blanket by the little pond and jae pulls bento boxes from the cooler and they eat and chat and it’s immediately familiar, but different in its own way because now they’re allowed to flirt more openly and call each other cute. younghyun takes the opportunities he gets to poke jae’s nose and jae pinches younghyun’s cheeks in retaliation and it all just feels right. like this is where their friendship has been headed for months and this is the only logical progression of events, and younghyun loves it.

halfway through eating jae reaches into his bag and pulls out a flower crown, only it’s so different from what he was making earlier because it’s made of succulents, with the occasional sprig of baby’s breath tucked among the green, and it’s perfect. younghyun can’t stop grinning as he leans over to let jae nestle it in his hair. when he looks up to meet jae’s gaze he finds the elder speechless for the second time in the span of a few hours.

“hold still.” obediently, younghyun freezes as jae pulls his phone out and takes a picture, and then he poses ridiculously and lets jae take a few more. finally he pushes jae’s phone aside and stands, walks over to the place where the wildflowers start blooming in earnest.

“show me how to make one, hyung!” jae follows him and they forget their food for a while as jae helps younghyun pick flowers and weave them together so they fit neatly. when younghyun fumbles with the small stems jae places slender fingers over his and helps him, and they look up at each other at the same time, faces inches apart, and grin bashfully.

there’s no kiss, not yet, but younghyun thinks he wants to, and if the way jae sighs when they move apart is any indication, so does he.

younghyun crows in triumph when he laces the last bits of the crown together, and he sets it in jae’s blond hair carefully. this time it’s his turn to be at a loss for words, because the purple of the violets and white of the viburnum serve only to accentuate how ethereal jae is. he looks like he’s glowing, even in the semi-darkness that has fallen as the sun set, and younghyun forgets how to breathe again.

they take turns taking pictures of each other, laugh and relax in each other’s company the way they used to, and for the first time in june younghyun is truly happy, content with jae tucked into his side as they stargaze.

they’re lucky they don’t see a shooting star, younghyun says when they begin to pack up, or they’d have to wonder if they had accidentally gotten sucked into a drama without their knowledge, with how cheesy that date was. jae’s smile turns a little sardonic when he murmurs something about how he doesn’t think dramas would ever have two guys fall in love, so younghyun winks at him and laces their hands together.

“that’s why i said it’s a good thing we’re not in a drama.”

as he crosses days off of his calendar now he laughs about the gardenias that make up the month’s page. it’s no secret, their love, not anymore, and there’s nothing but joy.

july

younghyun knows jae is going to absolutely freak if dowoon has to carry him all the way into the shop. jae’s worried enough as it is from getting a text from younghyun saying they were on the way to the urgent care place nearby because he tripped down the stairs and did something awful to his ankle trying to protect his guitar; he doesn’t want to make it even worse.

but truth be told his wrist is still aching too much for him to use his crutches properly, and he’s tired from practice, and the brace around his ankle is frustratingly tight around the swelling, so he relents without too much of a fight and relaxes into dowoon’s arms.

jae is waiting anxiously by the door, arms outstretched as though to take younghyun from dowoon, and then seems to rethink that idea and merely flutters around them as dowoon makes his way up the stairs. it’s a bit awkward of a movement, considering how tight the spiral staircase is and how much younghyun has to tuck his feet in to avoid hitting the railing, but they make it work somehow.

before too long younghyun is nestled on the couch, his bad ankle propped on a pillow, and jae’s hovering.

dowoon seems to understand something of the glances jae and younghyun are exchanging and doesn’t linger, merely relays the doctor’s instructions and gives younghyun one last “rest and get better” and disappears back down the spiral staircase. younghyun makes a mental note to thank him, because this leaves jae free to kneel next to the couch and run a hand through younghyun’s hair and plant quick, anxious kisses to his cheeks.

dowoon’s tact is always appreciated, now more than ever. throughout the whole ordeal, from the second the pain flared in his ankle and he knew he was going to have to stop rehearsing to the waiting in the urgent care place to the irritation of the brace on the drive home, all younghyun wanted was jae’s careful attention and gentle fingers. there’s a softness to jae that he can’t find anywhere else, and he relaxes as jae tucks an ice pack further around younghyun’s ankle.

“you’re an idiot,” jae says, but his quiet tone betrays his words.

“injuries are part of life, hyung.” younghyun offers a tired smile. “clumsy as you are, i thought you knew that.”

“i do. doesn’t mean i’m not going to freak out, though. as your um. boyfriend.” the last bit seems tacked on as an afterthought, but younghyun clings to that.

“is that what we are? boyfriends?”

jae shrugs, ducks his head a bit in the way younghyun knows means he’s embarrassed. “i figured so, considering the dates and kissing and all that.”

this makes sense. it does. somewhere in younghyun’s brain there is a reasonable voice telling him he knew this was coming, had been thinking about it himself. but the rest of his mind is fixated on the flush of happiness in his cheeks and the lightness in his chest to hear jae give him such a title.

“boyfriends,” he repeats, and he can’t stop smiling, not when jae is giving him that cute shy grin that appears whenever something like this happens. younghyun wants to pull jae closer and give him kisses. he wants to tell jae how much this means to him, but he’s always been better with his hands than with words.

he grabs jae’s shoulder, tugs him against the couch and shifts to be as close as possible without falling off of the furniture, but in doing so he swings his legs to the side—the wrong side. his ankle slams against the back of the couch and he hisses in pain. jae wriggles out of his grip to fuss over repositioning the pillows and getting the ice pack settled once more around younghyun’s injury, muttering “idiot” over and over to himself even as he frets and smooths younghyun’s hair out of his eyes and ensures that the pain isn’t too bad.

“i’ll get you those painkillers,” he says, and younghyun nods; his ankle is still throbbing. as jae leaves younghyun pouts a little and wriggles further into the cushions and tries to focus more on etching jae’s little smile into his memory than on the pain in his wrist and the itch of the brace around his ankle. it’s not a hard thing to remember, not when jae walks up the stairs two days later and younghyun greets him with “my lovely boyfriend!”. much to younghyun’s delight this sparks that same embarrassed smile, and younghyun beams with pride.

the blush on jae’s cheeks matches the red carnations for july: commitment. younghyun is starting to think he got his calendar from a fortune teller.

august

an important thing to know about younghyun: he does dumb shit when he’s flustered. it’s how wonpil found out about his crush on jae, how jae found out about his crush on jae, and despite his boyfriend’s calming presence it never really has gotten better.

somehow, then, younghyun really shouldn’t be surprised things are going to go wrong when he sees her.

it’s the jacket, first. (his jacket, he thinks, eyes catching on the familiar worn leather, the rose patch ironed on to the left sleeve.) his jacket, why is someone wearing his jacket—and then he looks higher and sees the face he spent months memorizing, sees the waterfall of black hair he used to brush out of her eyes, and he short-circuits.

she’s here, she can’t be here, not when he’s out with jae, not when he’s moving on and forgetting.

so younghyun does what he does best: something dumb. he reaches for jae, snatches at jae’s sleeve and whirls him around and kisses him, and if he wasn’t already short-circuiting he sure would be now. a million years in the future, a billion kisses from now, he still wouldn’t be used to the warmth, the familiarity of kissing jae.

there’s no time for this, though, no opportunity to melt into the kiss the way he wants to, and he backs jae into the doorway of the coffeeshop they were passing, turns his back to the stream of pedestrians and tries to blend into the wall.

jae, however, is not one to enjoy being manhandled, and shoves at younghyun’s chest until younghyun has to take a step back and refocus the fireworks in his stomach. “what the hell?” it’s not that jae’s mad, exactly; younghyun knows what the flames of jae’s actual anger sound like, and this isn’t it. but he is annoyed, and his eyes spark. “not that i mind kissing you, but don’t you generally give a guy some warning first?”

“it’s not—”

“i thought we agreed to some rules about this, younghyun,” jae sighs, and as he runs a hand through his bleached hair the fireworks in younghyun’s stomach fizzle into sad bits of ash.

“hyung—”

“younghyun?”

the two syllables are like an anchor for younghyun’s heart, yanking it down, down, down out of his chest. slowly, he turns, as though if he waits long enough to look at her she’ll go away. but she’s still standing there when he looks up, her eyes oddly amused. “it’s been a while,” she says, and he fumbles with a reply. “i see you’ve been doing well without me,” she adds, before younghyun can get anywhere close to replying.

he thinks maybe he’s blushing, or the heat in his face is rage—he can’t quite tell. “you were doing just fine even with me,” he manages to bite out, and behind him jae’s breath stutters in recognition.

“she’s—”

“yeah,” younghyun says. “she is.”

“moon hyerim,” she says, offers her hand and a sharp-eyed smile and a little bow to jae. “a pleasure to meet you.”

“i wish i could say the same.” jae returns the handshake, but only the slightest bit, and he drops her fingers like they burned him.

“younghyun’s been telling you bad things about me, then.”

younghyun flinches, but straightens when he feels the warmth of jae’s hand on the small of his back. “what kind of good things would i tell him?”

her eyes narrow, her long red nails flashing as she adjusts her glasses. “oh, i don’t know—when you wrote love songs for me, when you told me i was your moon and stars, when i got that internship and you prepared that whole picnic on the roof for dinner that night, that kind of thing?”

“i—i don’t—” younghyun isn’t usually this flustered. something about hyerim has always thrown him off, however, and it’s only accentuated by seeing her so suddenly.

“the funny thing about all the stuff you just mentioned?” jae steps forward, his shoulders brushing younghyun’s, and their fingers link almost secretly. “all of that revolves around you, so i’m not all that inclined to believe they show your good side. hyun doing stuff for you doesn’t make you a good person, it makes him one.”

her eyes narrow further, dart down to where their intertwined fingers have slipped out from behind jae’s back. “oh, younghyun,” she sighs. “did my breaking up with you hit you that hard?”

“what—no.” younghyun jerks his hand behind his back, but the way jae squeezes his fingers pulls some of the fire from the bottom of his stomach and back into his lungs. “i came out to you two months into our relationship so that we could both talk about being in love with chris evans, don’t pretend like that’s something that only existed for those conversations.”

the heat in his chest is different now; it’s not the snap-fizzle-pop of the fireworks he gets with jae, it’s the smoldering burning fury of when she would come home late from work or studying or whatever lie she came up with that week. if younghyun crumbles to ash in these flames it won’t be the pleasure he finds in breaking apart under jae’s hands and jae’s lips and jae’s pianissimo-soft eyes. he’s ready for a fight, now, the fight he never really got to have before she dumped him and his bags in the hallway outside the apartment.

maybe it’s the way his hands clench, maybe it’s the way he draws in breath sharply, maybe it’s the way the fire cracks behind his ribs so loudly he thinks jae has to be able to hear it, but jae tugs at their hands until younghyun stumbles a step back and behind him.

“breathe,” he hisses, and then turns back to hyerim. “i wish i could say it was nice to meet you—but it really wasn’t, and i’m not in the habit of lying to people. now, younghyun and i have places to be, so. try not to bother us again, yeah?”

before younghyun can protest he’s being pulled away, his last glimpse of hyerim one of her staring after them over the frames of her fake glasses, head cocked inquisitively.

“hyung,” he complains, when they’re a block away. “i can fight my own battles.”

“clearly you can’t.” jae raises an eyebrow at him. “i thought we’d talked about boundaries.”

“i know, i just—i panicked, but i got over it and—i’m sorry, i know—” he runs his free hand through his hair, tugs at the longer strands falling in his eyes. “i’m sorry.”

“i know you are, but it still wasn’t okay with me. when we get back to the shop, why don’t we talk about some things you can do differently if we see her again?”

there’s a steady warmth in younghyun’s stomach now. it’s not the fire from before, just glowing coals that fill his belly with contentment, knowing jae cares enough to work at communication.

“after can we make alfredo and watch ghibli movies?” mostly he wants to prod jae into making up meanings for the flowers in kiki’s delivery service, so he can ignore the anemones on his calendar, ignore the tugging in his gut from being reminded of his abandonment in january.

“if you want to cuddle,” jae says, a smile tugging at his lips, “you just have to ask.”

“bold of you to assume i wanted to cuddle? i just want good food and soft movies.”

“fine, then, i guess we won’t cuddle?” jae pulls his hand free of younghyun’s and makes use of his longer legs to create a bit of distance between them.

younghyun hurries to catch up, latches onto jae’s arm, and peers up at him with an exaggerated pout. “can we cuddle tonight, hyung, pretty please?”

jae laughs, reaches down to ruffle younghyun’s hair. “i thought you’d never ask. now come on, we’ve still got shopping to do for fall semester, and if we don’t get it done today you’ll complain all next week when i say i’m busy.”

september

alstroemeria is for friendship, so it makes sense that wonpil’s wide eyes are what first tip younghyun off that there’s something wrong.

he realizes what the issue is when he turns to see hyerim slip her bag off her shoulder and put a hand on the back of the chair next to him. “is this seat taken?” he blinks in surprise at her. “thanks,” she says, before he can answer, and sits smoothly.

wonpil nudges him, raises an eyebrow in her direction, and just generally looks confused. younghyun’s not surprised she’s in the class—they’re both music performance majors (that’s why they started dating, to begin with) and the class is a common one for fourth-years to take. he’s more surprised she’d sit next to him, though the glint in her eye tells him she’s not there to be friends.

“can we help you with something?” wonpil leans around younghyun to pin her with a glare, and younghyun has to admit wonpil can be scary when he chooses to. but hyerim just smirks at younghyun.

“what have you been up to this summer break?”

she knows what he did. it was made pretty clear at the end of their conversation in august, so he knows she’s goading him—he just doesn’t know what for.

“i spent a lot of time with my boyfriend,” he replies, since he doesn’t yet see a reason to lie.

“a boyfriend?” she sounds scandalized, her voice a little too loud to be normal. “oppa, you left me for a man?”

some of the other people in the class turn to look at them, and younghyun starts to realize her plan. “i didn’t leave you,” he hisses. “you kicked me out of the apartment so the guy you cheated on me with could move in.”

around the room, a few eyebrows raise. there’s a weight on his chest, knowing she’s trying to air all their dirty laundry to the public, to his friends. it’s like he’s atlas, staggering under the weight of the world—under the weight of societal pressure, of fear and judgment—and scarlet nails are digging into his back trying to make him drop that weight directly onto his chest to crush his ribcage.

“also,” wonpil says, rolling his eyes, “you realize you’re at an arts university in 2018? you really think people are that shocked that bi people exist?”

a bit of the pressure eases; he sucks in a breath, and though more heads turn the gazes he sees when he glances around seem more sympathetic than anything.

“of course they exist,” hyerim says. “that doesn’t mean what they’re doing is right.”

“but your cheating is?” jaehyeong’s a row behind them, and he scoffs when hyerim whips around to glare at him. “i’m not sure you’re the epitome of moral righteousness yourself, if i’m being honest. are you sure you have the right to critique younghyun’s life?”

there’s a muffled laugh from somewhere in the class, and hyerim’s eyes narrow. “there’s always a reason for cheating, though. i wasn’t getting what i needed from younghyun, maybe because he was only interested in men—”

“the reason for cheating,” wonpil says, “is that you’re a major bitch with commitment issues and an inability to see when someone is actually good for you.” he glances to younghyun, searching for something in younghyun’s face, and with a start he realizes wonpil wants the go-ahead to have this fight, is looking for reassurance younghyun doesn’t want to battle this out himself.

to be honest, younghyun’s still trying to breathe properly, trying to find a way to balance the pressure that doesn’t strain his muscles, so he thinks he nods faintly. all he can think of is the honey of her voice the first time he heard her sing, the taste of her strawberry lip gloss, the way she tossed his guitar out of the apartment door without a moment for the memories of him caring for it, the crushing weight of knowing she’d cheated and thought herself the victor.

somewhere in the back of his mind he hears wonpil continue: “we’re not middle-aged conservative assholes, and unlike some people i could name, most of us have a sense of ethics. you don’t have very strong grounds for your argument that younghyun’s relationship is the one morally unjustifiable.”

a hand—younghyun thinks it’s jaehyeong’s—touches his back softly, simultaneously grounding him and pulling him out of the cracks in the floor that this weight is forcing him down into. “hyerim,” jaehyeong says. “i don’t think you’re going to get much sympathy here. it might be better for you to stop now.”

younghyun breathes. hyerim begins to bite back, but before she can the professor walks in, apologizing for the delay; a meeting about performance schedules ran late, she says. hyerim’s mouth snaps shut, and the hand on his back squeezes his shoulder once before being replaced by wonpil pressing his arm against younghyun’s, and younghyun breathes.

the weight is still there, and remains when he walks back into thistledown jae notices immediately something’s off. he tugs younghyun upstairs, sits him on the couch, peers worriedly at him.

“hyerim’s in my seminar,” younghyun says breathlessly. giving voice to the words steals the air from his lungs, bears down on overused muscles. “she was—she was trying—”

“breathe,” jae says, slender fingers coming to rest over younghyun’s own. “she can’t touch you.”

“it’s—the problem is she was trying to touch you.” still, some of the weight eases. “before class she was trying to start all kinds of shit—i don’t know, rumors, insinuating dumb things, and it just—” he sighs. “it reminded me of stuff from our relationship, and i’m stuck in this weird combination of missing her and hating her.”

“what happened? you said trying, so did something stop her?”

“wonpil and jaehyeong, mostly,” younghyun says. “called out some of her hypocrisies, that sort of thing.”

“good.” jae is looking at him so seriously, and it somehow adds to the pressure that leaves him gasping. some part of him knows he loves jae, enough that everything in him wants to never let him down, and this seriousness seems like something younghyun has every chance to fuck up. “younghyun,” jae says again, “breathe.”

reflexively younghyun gasps, and the press against his lungs lightens. “it’s like—i know she’s a bad person, and she shattered my heart into a billion pieces and almost broke my guitar, but i really did love her, and i think i miss that.”

the emotion in jae’s eyes is one he knows, but giving name to it makes it tangible and he’s not sure he can do that. “you miss being in love?”

“no!” younghyun’s eyes widen, and he reaches desperately for jae; his boyfriend’s hand tangles with his easily. “i’m—i’m in love now, with you, obviously, and that’s great and wonderful and obviously i can’t miss love in and of itself—but i miss being in love with her sometimes, i think.”

jae nods, eyes soft. “i get that. is there any way i can help with that?”

“just—” younghyun considers. “i think i just need to make new memories with you and associate the feeling with you instead of her?”

“i can do that,” jae says, and he looks like he’s already scheming. younghyun breathes. “if you need anything,” jae continues, “just tell me. if something reminds you of her and you want me to not do that thing, i will. if you want to do something specifically because it reminds you of her but this way it’s associated with me, we’ll do that. you don’t have to deal with these feelings on your own.”

it’s like there’s a second pair of hands joining his, a second set of muscles straining under the weight against his chest, but it’s so much easier when the work is split between two, and the pressure lightens considerably.

younghyun breathes.

october

looking back on it, younghyun probably shouldn’t have been as surprised as he was by the events of the halloween party.

after all, hyerim hadn’t lightened up, no matter how much his friends laugh her off, and he and jae did pick a rather obvious costume. but hindsight bias is something his psychology course from last semester made him intimately familiar with, and they’d said they wanted to do a ghibli thing, and the second younghyun walked in the door with his hair dyed silver jae got excited, and younghyun is terrible at telling jae no when he’s excited about something.

so here they are at this halloween party that’s a weird mix of university students and some people who recently graduated and still have friends within the student population, and younghyun has to admit jae makes a great howl. he’s tall enough that when he has the costume on and he’s playing the character he has this air about him, especially once he weaves a crown of delicate pink and white rosepink and sets it in his sandy hair. (they match the white daffodils on youngyun’s calendar, the symbol of new beginnings.)

younghyun’s busy adjusting his dark teal waistcoat as they walk into the party to notice hyerim and her boyfriend where they stand near the door. but the party’s less of a party and more of a hang-out-and-drink-together sort of thing, with a playlist of pieces the partygoers wrote themselves on more as background noise than anything, so it becomes difficult not to notice hyerim. more specifically, it’s hard not to notice the loose white shirt and distinctive pink coat that hangs from her shoulders, hard not to notice the way her boyfriend’s hat looks eerily similar to younghyun’s own.

jae just squeezes his hand reassuringly and tugs him away to to talk to jaebeom and sungjin over by the couch. watching jae fall into easy conversation with his friends helps younghyun relax, and he joins in the banter quickly enough and soon forgets about hyerim.

maybe an hour or so in (younghyun kind of expected it to happen sooner) the playlist gets switched off and a few people bring out their own instruments and start coaxing friends to play. an aggressively friendly guy younghyun knows from his health and wellness course last year drags jaebeom and sungjin to the little performance space, despite their protests, and younghyun laughs. jackson is stubborn when he decides he wants something to happen, so jae’s friends aren’t going to wiggle out of this, and sure enough, they start setting up for a few songs.

jae grins fondly at them before turning to younghyun. “i’m gonna go get something to drink,” he says. “want anything?”

younghyun shrugs. “can’t vouch for how good the beer is, so—if they’ve got any kind of juice, that’ll do.”

with a nod jae slips away toward the kitchen and younghyun shifts his attention to the music; jaebeom and sungjin sound like they’ve been singing together for years, and their voices blend beautifully over the acoustic guitar sungjin plucks at gently.

he’s torn out of his appreciation for the music when someone sidles up to him and long pink nails come up to clutch at his arm. “trick or treat,” hyerim says, eyes glinting from behind the high collar of howl pendragon’s jacket.

for a moment younghyun is frozen, caught off-guard—she does look nice, the high-waisted black pants making her legs seem longer than ever, and the pink and gold of her jacket sets off her dark hair and eyes beautifully.

but there’s a brief pause in the music, a lull in conversation, and he hears jae’s laugh from the kitchen, loud and bright and filled with memories of sunshine, and he steels himself. “you’re all trick, hyerim, you know that.”

she smiles. “surely that’s not true, not when we were so happy together.”

“that’s the thing, though, you obviously weren’t happy with me,” younghyun says. “why else would you—”

“nice costumes!” he’s not entirely sure how bang chan got into this party, considering he’s a second-year, but he does have a lot of friends in higher years, so younghyun lets that go. “i love howl’s moving castle, and you make such a cute couple!”

chan’s tipsy at best, a slight shine to his eyes, but he’s far from drunk and incapable of realizing what he said was wrong—it’s just that hyerim doesn’t correct him. he’s not in their friend groups, really, so there’s not really any way he’d know their backstory, but hyerim smiles that smile she gets when she wants to dazzle someone.

“thank you,” she says, honey-sweet, and then looks to younghyun for his reaction. he knows what she wants; she wants him to be flustered, to be caught up in emotions from their relationship, to fall back into loving her.

but he and jae have talked about this, and he’s getting better at distancing himself from those feelings, so he just smiles apologetically. “we’re not dating, chan,” he says. “i’m here with my boyfriend—he’s in the kitchen, i think.”

“oh!” chan’s eyes widen. “i didn’t mean—i’m sorry for assuming—”

“it’s fine,” younghyun says. “i understand why you’d come to that conclusion, but my howl is getting drinks, and her sophie is—somewhere.” he tugs his arm out of hyerim’s grip so he can adjust his hat and inwardly he grins at the anger brimming in her eyes. “we broke up in january, so—”

“oh, january’s when we met,” jae says, and younghyun turns to see jae standing behind him. jae smiles petal-soft and hands younghyun a cup of what he discovers is apple juice before turning to chan. “i’m jae, younghyun’s boyfriend. are you by any chance bang chan? jinyoung was telling me about this second-year with a gift for production, said he’s australian.”

chan grins up at jae. “that’s me! would you happen to be park jaehyung? the professors talk a lot about your final project—blood, right?” almost before jae admits to the statement chan’s pestering him to play it, and finally jae relents.

when jaebeom and sungjin finish their song it’s jae’s turn to settle into the seat and balance the guitar on his thigh and get a feel for its strings. he starts playing and it’s not that the room goes silent, not exactly, but the only thing younghyun can hear is jae, his voice sunshine-warm and golden.

younghyun’s also a musician, though, and maybe halfway through the song he finds his fingers unconsciously plucking bass chords, and he’s picking out places his falsetto would blend flawlessly with jae’s softer, more acoustic tone, and by the second chorus he’s wondering about the way wonpil’s voice would add variation and depth to their harmonies. he’s itching to drag jae to the studio and have wonpil improvise on his synth, let dowoon improve on the subtle drums in the background of the piece. (because they’ve heard it already, of course they have—the professors use it as an example constantly, a reputation it deserves.)

the last note fades out and jae might blush a little at the applause he receives, and when he sets the guitar down and adjusts his jacket on his shoulders and returns to younghyun, younghyun can’t help but stretch up to press a kiss to a cheek dusted pink.

“we should play together some time,” he says, and jae nods.

“i’d kind of forgotten how much i missed that.”

younghyun threads their fingers together, smiles up at jae, and when the next performer starts up he pulls jae with him as he begins swaying gently to the music. “i’d be happy to remind you.”

november

the third time hyerim misses class younghyun starts to get worried. wonpil suggests that she’s sick, and younghyun shoves away the knowledge of her almost-impeccable immune system and the time she caught a minor cold and kissed him to prove she was fine and ended up getting him sick as well and agrees, but he doesn’t really stop worrying.

when she skips two more classes in a row he talks to jae about it, and jae laughs softly.

“you’re too good of a person, hyun,” jae says. “she broke your heart, and you seem like you’ve moved past it, and yet here you are fretting over her ditching class a few times?”

“she’s still a person.” younghyun sighs. “she’s still a person, and i used to care about her, and—i don’t know, it just used to be so natural, to worry about her when things like this happened, and it’s a hard habit to break.”

“i get that.” jae finishes wrapping a bouquet and ties it neatly with blue string, hands it to the young man on the other side of the counter. “what do you want to do about it?”

“i don’t know,” younghyun says over the clatter of the register drawer bursting open. “i guess if she’s still not in class on monday i might go to her apartment.”

“just take care of yourself first,” jae says, as he gives the young man his change and waves. younghyun nods and goes back to the sheet music he’s checking over for saturday’s studio session with wonpil and dowoon.

ultimately his choice is made for him.

they’ve been at the studio for somewhere around two hours, adjusting chords and harmonies and goofing off, when there’s a knock at the door. younghyun glances at the others, but they both shrug; none of them were expecting visitors.

“come in,” younghyun calls, and the door swings open. hyerim stands there, but it takes him a second to realize it’s her—she’s in sweatpants and one of his old ratty hoodies and her hair’s a rat’s nest. she’s too careful about the reputation she’s cultivated to ever let herself out of her apartment looking like this, so something has to be wrong.

they’re all frozen for a moment, a tableau of awkwardness as wonpil and dowoon try to figure out who she is and what she might be doing here.

“younghyun,” she wails, and then she’s throwing herself through the doorway and into his lap, and he has to set his guitar to the side hastily to avoid her crushing it, and she’s crying. sobbing, really.

he’s not completely sure what he’s supposed to do in this situation, but wonpil stands suddenly.

“we’ll just...leave you to it.” before younghyun can protest wonpil grabs dowoon and yanks him out of the room, and younghyun is left alone with a crying ex-girlfriend and uncertainty.

hesitantly he puts his hands on her back, tries—and mostly fails—to run his fingers through her knotted hair in the way he knows she likes when she’s being comforted.

“what’s—um, what’s wrong?”

she sobs. “chinhae—chinhae broke—he broke up with me.”

he’s really not sure what he’s supposed to say to that, so he doesn’t say anything, just hands her tissues from time to time and lets her cry. why would she have come to him? they hadn't had many conversations (any, to tell the truth) since she kicked him out of the apartment, and he knows she has other friends. he’d figured she would go to those friends when she had a problem, not him, but here they are. and he was worried about her, so at least he got to see what was going on, it’s just that now that he knows the issue he’s even more confused about why she came to him specifically.

hyerim makes it pretty clear, however, when she calms down some. she sits up, shifts her head from the damp circle on his sweatshirt, and turns to look at the sheet music.

“your final project?” she asks, voice hoarse.

he nods, because what else is he supposed to do? he’s helpless, to an extent, to deny her things at the moment—his head is too filled with memories of this same situation, of days he knew he should be wrapping her up in blankets and singing softly until she fell asleep.

she snatches up the papers, scans them, and he winces when a stray tear drips onto one of the handwritten measures. “sing it for me?”

when she shoves the music at him younghyun sighs, knows he has to do something about the situation. as caught up in his head as he is, he recognizes the potential danger of the situation, if she’s trying to get him to do what he used to when they were dating. he takes the papers, says, “i really don’t think i should.”

she pouts, childish, blinks up at him with puppy-dog eyes that used to win him over instantly. “please? i don’t have anywhere else to go, oppa.”

“we both know that’s not true.” he’s trying to be gentle as he starts to push her off his lap, but she clings to him with something like desperation.

“oppa, please.” she never used honorifics with him, not unless she was trying to manipulate him; usually it was light-hearted manipulation, buying her ice cream or letting her pick the movie or taking a break from studying to cuddle with her, but other times it was more serious, and he knows this is one of those times. she wants something from him, and the more she wheedles and presses herself against him he starts to understand what.

“it’s a song about me, right?” she’s grasping at his sweatshirt desperately. “you wrote it for me?”

“no, hyerim,” he says, working to pry her hands away. “you broke my heart, and you have—had another boyfriend. why would i still be writing love songs for you?”

“but it is!” the longer this goes on, the more he thinks the feverish light in her eyes is from something more than her emotions. “it has to be—the first line, that’s when i threw you out, but you were still thinking about me! you still love me, i always knew it!” she stretches up, then, with more than just her hands. his head snaps back to avoid her searching lips, and then he can smell the alcohol.

it’s three in the afternoon, and two years’ worth of a relationship means he knows she doesn’t like to drink during the day, but here she is with flushed cheeks and soju on her breath and a plan, apparently, to get back together with him.

it hurts, somehow, because he knows if she’d done this in february he would have thrown himself back at her just as furiously, but she’s nine months late. it hurts because he’s happy with jae, now, and it’s just like her to pick the time he’s finally moved on to want him back. she’s always been this selfish, he knows, and knowing her half of this is orchestrated to make him love her again. he’s always been quick to check up on people he’s worried about, so it wouldn’t shock him in the slightest if her absence from class was mostly to get him to come to the apartment.

this realization further hardens his resolve, replaces his memories of her smile during performances with jae’s sunshine grin. he does shove her off of his lap, then, pushes away his concern she might have hurt herself.

“hyerim,” he sighs, “the song isn’t for you, will never be for you. it’s for jae, my boyfriend, who i’m not planning on breaking up with for you. i know you’re upset, but that doesn’t give you an excuse to throw yourself at me. this isn’t ever happening again.”

she blinks up at him with the doe eyes he fell in love with, but he purses his lips and stands and offers a hand and eventually, reluctantly, she takes it and pulls herself to her feet.

“i just want you to know,” she says, “that i still love you.”

“no, you don’t.” younghyun is firm as he guides her to the door. “you want a rebound, and you want it to be me because you know how to manipulate me—used to know how to manipulate me.”

she hovers in the doorway. “younghyun—”

“goodbye, hyerim,” he says. “i’ll see you in class on monday.”

there are white tulips on his calendar this month, and while he’s never really liked them (she does, he remembers—he bought her some after her spring recital in third year) they’re flowers for forgiveness, and somehow he knows he does forgive her.

wonpil and dowoon are wide-eyed and hesitant when he beckons them back in, but he gives them a reassuring smile.

“she’s just upset, but she’ll be fine in a few days. now,” he says, clapping his hands and reshuffling his papers, “let’s hurry up. i have a date with jae tonight, and i need to look much more presentable than this.”

december

christmas day dawns sunny and crisp, snow dusting the sidewalk and making the string lights in the display window glow like stars. younghyun is the first one awake, and he hums carols as he makes breakfast and plugs in the lights on the little tree they dragged up the spiral staircase and decorated haphazardly.

the smell of bacon is likely what wakes jae up, and he comes stumbling from the bedroom with mussed hair and the dumb rudolph pajama pants younghyun teases him about.

(the room younghyun stayed in originally has become his study, after one particularly eventful night in october.)

he putters up to where younghyun stands at the stove and wraps his arms around younghyun’s waist and sighs with contentment as he drops his head onto younghyun’s shoulder. “smells good, hyun.”

“it’ll smell even better if you go get coffee brewing,” younghyun offers, but jae shakes his head without removing it from younghyun’s shoulder, digging his chin into the tendon in a way that feels rather pleasant.

“hot chocolate.” he drops a kiss on younghyun’s neck and untangles himself to move to a cabinet, and younghyun has to set his spatula down and breathe for a minute, surprised by the sudden affection.

“are you awake enough to go without coffee?” he flips the bacon and turns to study jae, who’s pulling milk from the fridge.

“it’s a tradition,” jae explains. “mom started it when we wanted to drink something warm with mom and dad on christmas morning but were too young for coffee, and it stuck.”

younghyun smiles softly; he knows jae misses his parents in the states, and he may or may not be saving the money he gets from busking to get plane tickets as a graduation present.

when jae approaches the stove to start heating the milk they bump hips and smile at each other, a habit they’ve picked up from countless mornings cooking together. jae’s eyes reflect the multi-color christmas lights, dark irises dancing with sparks of color.

“i’ll sort the presents while you finish that,” younghyun says, turning to shift the bacon and eggs onto the plates he’d set out earlier. “don’t skimp on the whipped cream.”

“wouldn’t dream of it,” jae says, and younghyun grins over his shoulder as he walks into the living room.

they’d agreed to use different wrapping paper to make gifts easy to distinguish, and in a few minutes younghyun’s got two small piles on the couch and jae’s carrying two steaming mugs to the coffee table. he drops a kiss on younghyun’s lips as he sits down, mouth sugar-sweet from stolen marshmallows. younghyun turns the old stereo on to play christmas carols as they eat with their hips and thighs pressed against each other, shoulders brushing when they bring their forks up to take a bite.

the silence is comfortable, familiar, easy; as much as he’s anticipating the excitement wonpil and dowoon will bring, and the steady chatter of sungjin and jaebeom, when they go have dinner at sungjin’s apartment, he doesn’t want to lose the serenity of this moment.

he trades his fork for his phone and snaps a picture of jae, who glances up at the last minute with his mug halfway to his lips and laughs, and younghyun grins back and takes more pictures, a stop-motion of sunshine and sugar and affection. in retaliation jae raises his own phone, and younghyun yelps and raises a pillow to his face for self-defense, but he’s laughing.

when they finish eating they clear some space on the coffee table and turn to presents. they each got the other a few little gag gifts, and younghyun ends up with a stuffed chick and a pair of socks decorated with succulents and bacon-strip band-aids while jae delights in the tiny violin and the rubber fox whose eyes pop out when he squeezes it and the american flag socks. without hesitation they both tear the packaging on their new socks and slip them on and laugh, and then they move to the more serious gifts.

jae gestures for younghyun to start, so he struggles momentarily with the wrapping paper before revealing an apparel box. “is this why i found you in the closet inspecting the tags on all my jackets?”

“just open it,” jae says, but he smiles fondly and doesn’t deny the accusation.

when he lifts the lid younghyun finds a leather jacket, so like the one he left at hyerim’s apartment he thinks for a moment jae went and stole his jacket back. but he looks more closely and rather than the rose patch on the original this one has cactus pins on the collar and a patch ironed onto the left sleeve of calcifer from howl’s moving castle.

“she likes my spark,” younghyun murmurs, as he traces the dancing cursive beneath the fire demon.

“i sure do,” jae says, and he winks when younghyun glances up, startled. younghyun huffs out a laugh and sets the apparel box to the side so he can reach forward to press his lips to jae’s, lick the chocolate from jae’s upper lip, and he smiles into the kiss.

“thank you, hyung,” he whispers.

“i haven’t even opened yours,” jae says. “hold off on the kissing, or i’ll get distracted.”

with another smile and one last quick kiss younghyun moves back to let jae open his gift. it’s nothing as flashy as a leather jacket, but jae seems to understand the significance of the cd he finds under the wrapping paper.

“are these—”

“songs i wrote.” younghyun nods. “my day is my final for my recital prep, and it’s—” he coughs, a little shy. “it’s for you.”

jae’s eyes flash up from where he was reading the tracklist, gleaming with excitement. “you wrote a song for me?”

“i’ll play it for you,” younghyun says to his hands, “if you want.”

“if i want?” jae grabs younghyun’s hands, raises them to his lips so he can kiss younghyun’s fingertips. “of course i want! i would love to hear it, hyun.”

with a relieved smile younghyun reaches around the couch to pick up the guitar he’d placed there earlier, and he settles it on his knee and plucks an experimental chord, clears his throat, and hesitates.

“you don’t have to,” jae says softly. “i’ll hear it either way, but you know i’ll love anything you’ve created, especially when you made it for me.”

“i—” younghyun’s voice cracks a little. “i know. thank you, hyung.”

he brushes his fingers over the body of the guitar, grounds himself in the wood and varnish he knows as well as he knows himself, and then sets his hands for the first note.

jae gives him a reassuring smile, but when younghyun starts playing the smile turns into amazement. as he moves through the achingly-familiar measures and notes he wrote and rewrote and agonized over younghyun pulls confidence from the glow in jae’s eyes and the complete stillness of jae’s constantly-moving hands, and he pours every bit of love he’s felt into his voice.

the song is of sunshine and red x's on white calendar pages and a steadiness as constant as the earth’s rotation, and he wants—needs—jae to feel it.

the last note rings into silence and then jae’s surging forward, pausing to set younghyun’s guitar aside as gently as possible, and then continuing to tug younghyun into a kiss. his hand cups younghyun’s cheek and younghyun’s fingers tangle in jae’s hair and their hearts beat against each other where their chests press together, and for all the love younghyun pulled from himself to put into the song he knows this is jae’s way of returning it in kind, and for a while he forgets they’re separate people.

the need to breathe, unfortunately, arises after a while, but they refuse to separate very much; younghyun’s arms stay around jae’s neck, and jae’s hand slides down to rest against younghyun’s bicep, and their eyelashes brush when they blink.

“younghyun,” jae murmurs, breathless, “i don’t want to say i’m happy you got your heart broken, but you’re the best thing to ever happen to me, unfortunate meeting aside.”

“well,” younghyun says, just as quietly, “you know what they say. the best blaze burns brightest when circumstances are at their worst, and you know how much i relate to sophie hatter—”

“i respect your love for ghibli, but did you really have to ruin my moment?” jae groans, but he’s smiling, and younghyun’s struck suddenly by how much he’ll do to keep that smile on jae’s lips.

red roses, he notes a few days later as he crosses out the last day of december, are for devotion and love, and nothing could better describe the way his year has gone. he caps the pen, sets the calendar in a drawer, and pads into the living room to drop a kiss on the top of jae’s head and join him in the blankets he’s swathed in, and they watch the falling snow bring with it the new year and promises of new beginnings.

#daynet #day6 fanfiction #jaehyungparkian #jaehyungparkian fanfic #kang younghyun #brian kang #day6 young k #day6 brian #young k #park jaehyung #day6 jae #day6 jaehyung #day6 fanfic

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sassysweetstories · 7 years ago

Text

Second Chances

Request: “Im kinda crazy for chris argent of TW pls kindly do a fic about him where his highschool sweetheart is back in town n to teach in allison school. She was heartbroken by chris who choose allison mother over her before. But chris has his reason. Now that shes back, they cant deny that they still have feeling for each other. Make it angst pls. Thanks.”

Ship: Chris Argent x Fem!Reader

Warning: angst, swearing, fluff, minor kissing, yelling, mentions of cheating, fighting, etc.

Notes: none of these gifs are mine, credit to owners.

Your P.O.V

[A few years ago..]

How could he? I thought to myself as I glare daggers at the back of my now ex-boyfriends head. So much for high school sweethearts.. He wraps his arm around Victoria, smiling as they dance across the floor, swaying to the music above us. They look like polar opposites. It was like watching the angel and the devil tango. Nobody liked it. And even though we broke up a few weeks ago, it still stings. We were the perfect couple after-all. I guess we weren’t perfect enough. Glancing back at my date, I force a smile despite the pain emulating within my heart. When he spins me around, I feel Chris’s eyes burning into the side of my face. Maybe he regrets his choice? I sure hope so.

[Now]

Glancing up at the sign, I sigh to myself. Mixed emotions plague my mind. Don’t get me wrong, I am thrilled to finally have the opportunity to teach. It had been something I’d always wanted to do, ever since I was a kid. But in all honesty, I was petrified. Sucking in a quick breath of fresh air, I head into my classroom and prepare for the day ahead. When the students start shuffling in, I start to feel more confident. That is until my gaze caught wind of a beautiful chocolate haired girl. She sat down in the middle of the classroom with a contagious smile. For some reason, she looked familiar.

Looking away, I ignore the weird feeling that begun to bubble inside my stomach. Glancing up at the list of names, I begun to call off- “Stiles Stilinski.” My eyes trailed to the hand raised. A boy who gave me a goofy grin. “Scott McCall.” The boy next to him waved his hand over to catch my attention, sporting a similar likable puppy dog smile. I can't help but return the respectable grin before continuing down the list until one name caught my eye.

Allison Argent

It can't be.. "Uh.. Allison Argent." The beautiful girl I saw earlier raised her hand and smiled. That’s why she looked familiar. She looks just like him. I stare at her for a second before asking, very much dreading the answer. “Do you happen to be related to Christopher Argent?” She nodded and smiled before saying, “Yeah, he’s my dad.” In that moment, my heart dropped and shattered into a million pieces. That bastard. She continued. “Why do you ask?” I have gotten fairly good at lying these past few years. Especially when it came to the protection of my own broken heart.

So when I reply, my tone is calm and collective. “We went to high school together. Small world.” She nodded, genuinely intrigued by the topic. I finish calling off everyone’s names then proceed to educate the class on Hamlet, my favorite of Shakespeare’s many pieces. But I couldn’t for the life of me get the pang of pain out of my heart. Had he really moved on and stayed with Victoria and had a child? Pff, why do I even care? That was years ago. none of that should matter now. Except it does. At least in my heart it does.

The next few weeks were not as easy as I thought they’d be. Every time I looked at the poor girl, I was reminded of the long tear filled nights I had spent crying over a boy who never really loved me. And instead of looking at her, I avoided all eye contact. It helped but I’d be lying if I said there still wasn’t this void within me. I file my work away and start to clean my classroom, which got surprisingly dirty quite quickly. Playing some soft turns from my old CD player, I almost hadn’t noticed a new body enter the room. “Hi, Allison. What can I do for you, hun?”

She smiled at the nickname and entered. “My rides a little later and I was wondering if I could wait in here until he came? It’s pouring like crazy outside and it’s freezing in the halls.” I pull out the nearest chair and pat it, softly. “Of course, make yourself at home. I hope you don’t mind the music while I clean my room up. Ya know, you’d think I’d wrapped my head around the fact that kids are messy.” She giggles softly before staring off and out the window. I finish picking my room up and sit to grade some papers. The soft music and a small hum of rain that pattered from atop the roof was the only thing sound between us.

I get up again to put a file away before a low, gruff voice spoke from behind. “(Y/n)?” As I turn over my shoulder to see whom the voice belonged to, my heart dropped. Standing before me was my high school sweetheart, Chris Argent. Shit, I should have guessed he would be picking her up. Idiot. He was a lot taller than I had expected him to be. Chris’s face was gruff and more bearded than ever. His body was built and toned like a god. Oh, for gods sake, I could practically see his pecks under his thin grey shirt. His brown eyes were still the same but they looked harder than ever. His hair slightly tinted with grey to mask his aging process. Probably due to stress. Chris looked good, too good.

God, damn it! Why couldn’t he have turned out ugly?! “Chris.. Uh- long time no see.” I internally roll my eyes. What kind of response is that, you soggy poptart?! The way he’s looking at me makes me think he’s sizing me up just as I am doing right now with him. “(Y/n).. Is-Is that really you?” The way he asks the question shocks, not only me, but his daughter, too. It was the most innocently soft thing I’d ever heard. I could have sworn he was about to cry. “Yeah, it’s me. You look great, Christopher. You have a beard now. Impressive. I remember when you couldn’t even grow a mustache.” We both laugh but there’s an unspoken pain between us. When I look into his eyes, all I see is regret. Good.

“And you. You cut your hair. You look..” He pauses for a second, trying to find the right word before saying, “..immaculate.” I can feel my cheeks flushing but above all else, it’s like someone ripped open a wound that’s just about to heal. No. I will not let him break me again. I clear my throat, beckoning towards Allison whom he hasn’t looked at since he first entered. “Uh.. Thank you. You two should get going. Don’t wanna get caught up in the storm.” Allison’s by the door, waiting and watching our interaction closely. “We should get coffee sometime. Catch up.” He says softly. And when I look up at him, I feel an immediate sense of regret. There’s so much hope in his big blue eyes.

But I was not about to get my heart broken again. “I don’t think that’s a good idea. I am Allison’s teacher, after-all. That would be highly inappropriate.” The second the words leave my mouth, a bitter taste starts to form in the back of my throat, like bile. His eyes look sad and regretful. I had never seen someone go from such a high spirit to a low one so quickly. He shook his head, heart still hopeful. “It’s just coffee-” I cut him off. “Good day, Mr. Argent.” When I say his name, it’s almost like a reminder of what positions we are in. He’s married and a father. I’m Allison’s high school teacher. But that was only the beginning.

I don’t bother to watch his tragic state as he walks out with his daughter. I cannot get involved with Christopher again. I don’t think my heart could take it a second time. Seeing him was like opening a wound that had finally been shut. He still looked like himself, just more aged like a fine wine. I clutch my chest and sit down, feeling dizzy all of a sudden. But he’s always had that effect on me.

Third P.O.V

“Why were you acting like that, Dad?! You were looking at her in a certain way. You’ve never looked at mom like that. Dad!” Allison cried, feeling conflicted and hurt and confused. Chris was hurting inside. Seeing his beloved for the first time in a so many years. She looked as beautiful as the day they first met. Finally he caved in, tired of keeping secrets. Especially from his beloved daughter. “Okay, okay. A long time ago, your mom, Mrs. (Y/L/N) and I attended high school together. We were what you kids today call “couple goals”. We were like Romeo and Juliet, Bonnie and Clyde Ying and Yang.

“We were a perfect pair. We had a love that kids only ever dreamed of. The kind of sappy stuff you see in movies. We were so in love and attached to the hip that people would be uncomfortable if one of us was without the other. We were absolutely inseparable. The power couple among power couples.” His voice died out, cracking towards the end. Allison’s heart ached for her father. He was the strongest man she knew. And to see him so torn up, to the point of tears, she knew he must’ve been hurting something fierce. She wanted to console but more importantly, understand what happened.

“What happened between you two?” She took his hands to support him and only hoped he would press on. Mr. Argent cleared his throat and swallowed down the pain like a shot of whiskey. “I went to a party. (Y/n) and I had gotten into a small argument, one that I had blown up over. It was a stupid reason, too. So I told her I was going to a party. She warned me not to. To just be safe and be careful. That it was a bad idea but I didn’t listen. That’s when your mom got involved.

“We drank so much that night. The next morning I woke up in her bed. I ran to (Y/n) in hopes that she would understand that it was nothing. But she shut me out and I deserved it. I broke her heart. But then everything changed when Veronica- your mother- confessed to me that she was pregnant. Pregnant with you. I was beyond shocked but there was no doubt in my mind that I would not love you unconditionally. I would not abandon you or your mother when all I wanted was a child. I just had expected it to have happened with (Y/n). But over time, I grew to love and respect your mother.

“But at the end of the day, you can’t forget your first love. No matter how hard you try. And god knows I loved that woman more than anything in the universe. But I broke her and I deserve to suffer, to hurt. I fucked up bad. And seeing her again made me want to fix everything with her again. I just want to mend the wounds I put there.” Allison listened intently, clenching her fists to hide her anger towards her father for being so reckless but was also feeling sad for him, too. He was her father, after-all. Her mother was long gone, but throughout their marriage, Allison could not tell how unusual it all seemed. They both loved Allison but neither really loved the other.

And, without having too look up at him, she knew what he was thinking. Should I fight for her? Or have I done enough damage? For a split second, she thought no. Leave the poor woman alone. She’s been through enough. But then she thought of Scott. He loved and fought for her, cherished and held her close to his heart. And even when they broke up, he was still there for her. And for a second she wondered if that’s what her dad and teacher had had. “Go get her dad. Fix your mistakes.” That was all he needed to hear before he revved the engine as Allison hopped out of the car.

Christopher hadn’t thought about what he’d say or what he’d do. All he knew was that he needed her, desperately. Pulling up to the school, he quickly got out of the car, not even bothering to throw on a jacket to mask himself from the pouring rain. He’s drenched from head to toe by the time he enters the school. Nearly slipping and falling on his ass, he runs to her room in hopes to catch her in time. Mr. Argent’s jaw drops to the floor when he sees her still standing there, looking as beautiful and radiant as ever. Before she could even speak, he waltz's up to her and places his lips atop hers. The kiss was passionate, heavy and warm.

It was needy and desperate on both ends as she begun to kiss back, plunging helplessly into the darkness she would soon experience again. But then she registered what was happening and pushed him back. “No, no, no, no. I’m not going to do this again, Christopher. You’ve broken my heart once, I won’t let you do it again.” She’s crying now, trying to keep herself together as best she can but it seems useless. “(Y/n), let me explain-” She pushed him hard, pulling back before clutching her sides. “No! You cheated on me with Victoria! What did I do to deserve that-” Chris shook his head, practically yelling. “None of this was your fault! I got completely smashed!

“Yes, I did cheat on you. And being drunk isn’t an excuse. But it happened. A few days after it happened, Victoria told me that she was pregnant with Allison. And you know me, (Y/n). I would never leave someone like that. I wasn’t gonna let her fend for herself. I wanted a baby to call my own. I just- I wanted to have it with you.. And I can’t tell you I’m sorry enough.. God knows it won’t ever clean the wounds I put there. But I loved you so much.. I still do. I am not longer married. I’m actually widowed. Victoria- she- she died. She’s been gone for five years now.” (Y/n) can’t help but feel the need to apologize. The loss of someone is undeniably unbearable.

“So you just- you impregnate Victoria and don’t tell me-” Chris shook his head, almost to the point of tears as he looked down at his beloved. “You wouldn’t let me. And you had every right! You hated me and I deserved it. I deserved to suffer and I still do but I will not leave here with bad blood. I love you. I always have and I always will. I’m not gonna let you go again. Not when I can actually do something about it. (Y/n), I am so sorry. For everything I did to you.” The two looked at one another, neither making a sound. That was until (Y/n) took two steps forward and smashed her lips onto his. She shouldn’t be doing this but she needed him as much as he needed her. “I love you, Chris Argent.” He grinned from ear to ear before muttering. “I love you too, (Y/n) (Y/L/N).”

(I hope you liked it! I’m really sorry for the long wait. I’ve been very very busy!!)

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felixeslee · 7 years ago

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92 q tag

hello this tag is highkey irrelevant now but it’s been in my drafts for ages so !! laskdgjasodigjsaldkgasodigjasdg which is why i wont b tagging anyone bc im so late but !! yeah !! ok !! !!!!!!!!!1111!!! lets !! go !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

tagged by @hyuunjins @hyunjinh @straykiz and @dae-hwee from my w1 blog (lmaoo hi pindi this is sarah!! AIddgsdfk if youre aware of this blog but hope its ok if i do it here alskdg )

rules: once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 92 truths about you. At the end choose 25 people to be tagged.

🌙 LAST

Drink: the water that I drank this morning!! Aka around 12 hrs ago asdgasdgoij pls stay hydrated kids

Text Message: i texted my brother if he knew where my dad was lol,,,,,,, sldkjgaosidgj

Phone Call: CALLED MY BROTHER BC HE WASNT RESPONDING MY TEXTS,,,,, he also didn’t pick up ldskgjsoidgjsldkgsjdg

Song you listened to: Goodbye My Love by Aileeeee <3 lovv

Time you cried: TODAY ,,,, i was getting super anxious bc i didn’t know where my dad was ??? he was supposed to pick me up but he forgot abt me until like an hr later… sldkgjaosidgj

🌙 HAVE YOU EVER

Dated someone twice: no :00 lmao i’ve never dated… ever alskdjgaoijsdf

Kissed someone and regretted it: i havent had my first kiss yet HEH

Lost someone special: unfortunately, yes :(

Been depressed: sdgksjadoiglskdfosdijgalskdfaosdigjaksdgoaisdjf idk

Been drunk and thrown up: lmao i’ve never drank ,,, at all,,,, the smell of alchohol scares me,,,,, evn my little brother has had a sip once and he’s 5 yrs younger LMAO ,,, but im a noob and don’t wanna try sldkgjosidjgs

🌙 IN THE PAST YEAR HAVE YOU

Made a new friend: yay yes yeslgkdgsdf

Fallen out of love: i dont think i’ve ever evn been in love…. Sdlgksjdoigj

Met someone who changed you: yes,,,,,,,,,

Found out who your true friends are: uhhhh idk aslkdgjaosidjf i honestly can never tell when someone’s being a fake friend so!!!!!! Idk honestly lmao

Found out someone was talking about you: i did ! but it wasn’t for anything bad or anything……… they just criticized me behind my back?? But i agreed w their criticism so alsdkjgaosidgj

🌙 GENERAL

How many people on tumblr do you know in real life?: ummm,,,, like 4?? We r mutuals evn though none of them r actually kpop blogs,,,, so i always feel guilty spamminig their aesthetic feed w my screaming tags and annoying shit LMAO but i lov them <3

Do you have any pets?: NO :”( I WANT A DOGGO THO …. REALLY BAD…..

Do you want to change your name?: uhhh ik so many sarahs its not evn funny and my last name is hella basic too????? Theres 3 ppl that share my first+last name in my school alone….. So maybe i’d change it to my chinese name (yue) ?? also bc it sounds more sophisticated,, and i lov anything that makes me sound smarter than the reality of my dumb self LOL

What time did you wake up this morning: LOL so my alarm rings at 6:40 but i get out of bed at 7:10 SLDGKJSODIF … and i need to get out of the house by 7:20 lsdkgsdoig

What were you doing last night: physics and apush :SLDGJOSIDFJ the 2 most dreaded classes UGH

Something you cannot wait for: DINNER .. i love me some gud dinner

Have you ever talked to a person named tom?: thomas jefferson my mAN

What’s getting on your nerves right now: when it’s so heckin cold i can’t concentrate + i hate taking notes when it’s cold??? Bc then my hands r like half numb and it HURTS WHEN I TAKE NOTES sldkgsoidjf ALSO WHEN I DRAW ,,,,, STIFF FINGERS R THE WORST WHEN DRAWING

Blood type: i think a????????????

Nickname: my most common ones r swisso + salad (i promise these make sense in context LOL )

Relationship status: return NullPointerException; //im a cs person,,, dont judge

Zodiac sign: capricorn!

Pronouns: she + her

Favorite show: i dont watch many shows but i love watching a gud studio ghibli movie when im feelin down

College: this QUESTION LSDKGJSODIGJ ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, i wanna go to college but will any accept me ??!?!

Hair colour: its naturally black but it’s currently dyed ombre from black → brown !!!!!!

Do you have a crush on someone: i havent had a legit crush in 3 yrs lmao…….

What do you like about yourself: the fact that im a deep sleeper. Idk how light sleepers function omg like wouldn’t u wake up to like,,,,, everything??! :((( that makes me sad bc u hav no idea how much i lov a nice long undisturbed slumber

🌙 FIRSTS

First surgery: okAY so like i've had 2 procedures done on my eyes lmaooo like (1) when i was a smol beb of like 1 yr old i rolled off my bed aaaannnnddd the corner of my eye hit the edge of the sharp corner of the bedside table!!! and then y1ke$ things got ugly loll (((yes, i wuz dum + clumsy since the day i popped from the womb))) its all stitched up now and i hav a tinie tinie scar aslkdgs okay and (2) there was something weird abt my tearducts LOL so u know when u get sad nd stuff ur nose gets runny and u sniff a lot??? well like that wasn't the case for me bc the passage way from my eyes to my nose was completely blocked off,,,,, which resulted in me lookin like i was full blown cryin like every 2 seconds... like if i kept my eyes open for too long my eyes would get watery and tears would flow out LMAO ,,,, i looked like i just never stopped crying,,, but it was just my eyes were just ALWAYS WATERING sdlgjsdif damn u have no idea after the procedure i was like 'do ppl live like this??? not having to wipe tears every 0.2 sec??? oh my god,,, i am livin THE LIFE'

First piercing: i hav no piercings!!! Bc stabbing holes thru myself scares me sdlkjgsoidg but i love the way earrings look tho so ://///

First sport you joined: dance or gymnastics???? I dont rly remember

First vacation: CHINA prob????

First pair of sneakers: i think sketchers LMAO ,,, the big thing

🌙 RIGHT NOW

Eating: nothing!!!!!

I’m about to: do som sketches for my AP art class

Listening to: my dad sing som old chinese folk stuff behind me LOL

Want kids: i already adopted all 9 members of stray kids tho ??? idk if im ready for more atm

Get married: LOL This question just reminded me of smol story from my childhood: so like i used to b rly close w these 3 other kids,,,, one other girl and 2 guys,,, and our parents were all rly tight too,, and our four families would just go camping together and it was rly :’’D fun and so we all made a pact that I would marry one of the guys and the other girl would marry the other guy and we’d all go camping together forever but then KINDERGARTEN HIT,,,, we moved schools and yeah im still rly close w the girl but i miss the 4 of us dkgjsodigjsdlkgsdf LOL

Career: waterbottle 🌙

WHICH IS BETTER

Lips or eyes: eyes? Eh idk i just never rly considered lips ?? LOL

Hugs or kisses: hugs? I dont hav experience w kisses so sldkgjsoidgjsd yike syikes yikes

Shorter or taller: TALLER

Troublemaker or hesitant: uhhhhh neither??? Like i just want someone playful + extroverted bc im quite introverted,,,,,,,,,, so if he was hesitant we’d just b super awkward and quiet,,, and i don’t like getting involved w sketchy troublemaker shit either LOL ,,,

Older or younger: as long as they r in the same school grade level,,,, and i guess 1-2 yrs older is okaY? But lowkey freaks me out if too old

Romantic or spontaneous: sldkgjsoidfj both? Like i lov someone who is unpredictable and spontaneous,,,, but on the other hand im lowkey a helpless romantic lasdkgjaoisdjf

Sensitive or loud: both i guess too??? Its good to have someone understanding and sensitive but also someone who knows how to have fun :)

Hookup or relationship: hookups,,,,,,,, just dont make sense to me,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, like i get attached to someone p easily so even if i dont plan on being attached,,,, i’d probably get attached :(

🌙 HAVE YOU EVER

Kissed a stranger: YIKES no

Drank hard liquor: nO

Lost contacts/glasses: UH I HATE THIS BUT YES…..

Sex on first date: yikes * (6.02 *10^23) adkgaosidjgaslkdf no thaNK you

Broken someone’s heart: i dont know,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, like i might’ve but maybe im just not aware ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, but on a sidenote i think my old comupter science teacher gets a migrain everytime he sees me LOLLLLLL sdlgjsoidgjsldf

Been arrested: no,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, :0

Turned someone down: yeah lmao i kinda feel bad tho bc they were all good ppl,,,, lskjgosidjf but thankfully im still good friends and pretty tight w all of them ~

🌙 DO YOU BELIEVE

In yourself: ocassionally i try to :’’D

Miracles: lol yes

Love at first sight: i used to ? but not anymore,,,, like i believe u can be attracted to someone at first sight ?? but i feel like love cannot be attained thru visual contact only asldgjoasidjalsdg

#sarah: tag #LMAO sry for the random stories here nd there #and i wrote this like 2 weeks ago so yeah .l LMAO #thank u all for tagging me i luh u all <333 #lSDKGJOSDIGJSDG

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virginia-werewoolf · 8 years ago

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Hello to all!!! It’s been a crazy few months and I haven’t had the time to really go on Tumblr much less post about everything going on in my life but i am going to today!!

I’m currently finishing up my senior year of high school and lemme tell u - it’s been wild!!! But so fun. This last Relay for Life was probably my favorite one yet & I wish I could just have one more. When I went my freshman & sophomore year I was still so, so shy and only talked to people I already knew. This year, though, I talked to the new speech & debate kids and they were some of the sweetest people I have met in high school!! I always get so nostalgic for speech and debate when I am around the newer kids in the club. I can’t lie - being in that club was the only time throughout my whole high school experience that I felt as though I was a part of something good. I quit because it did stress me out a bit and I wanted to join photography my sophomore year and just always kind of found an excuse not to go back after that (even though I always knew I should’ve). Prom was nice - we ate at the Venetian and danced our lil hearts out at Panis Hall. I felt moderately pretty. I got into an argument with my best friend, Vincent, that night - he’s been a real dick lately & I couldn’t put up w it anymore that night in the Red Rock parking lot!!! I have been holding a few grudges against him since then but this weekend I have gotten some time to think it over for the first time & I think I’ve made my peace with him!! After prom was the Disney trip - which has been a WILD ride for a few months now. There was a lot of fishy business going on w the stuco advisor but finally - LITERALLY 10 MINUTES BEFORE THE BUS LEFT - I got a seat on the bus!!!! I wasn’t ready at all because I didn’t want to pack a bunch & get excited just to end up having to go to math that day - but I had such a good time in my bummy school clothes & 2 best friends!!! Even if I didn’t get to take pictures and we didn’t get to finish exploring California adventure because we were all grumpy and tired. The bus ride with Vincent was so fun and I didn’t really think about all the things I was upset at him for. On the 24th, then, we had grad walk AND senior awards!! I did the travel grad walk with Ni-Ni and we got to go to our elementary and middle schools + pat diskin in our caps and gowns with all the current students lining the halls cheering us on!! It was so pure. The elementary schoolers were so so so cute n proud of us & it was the first time it rly set in that this is happening!!! Plus I saw my 4th grade teacher and she remembered me BY NAME. I foreal cried on the way back to the bus bc of it. Awards night was nice too - I sat next to a kid I hadn’t talked to since middle school but it wasn’t awkward and we made jokes to each other all night!! It was kinda cute. Like it really felt like we were all in this together. I luvvvved cheering on my friends & just other kids in my classes who I may not talk to much but it still feels like we’re on the same boat supporting each other!! I got my Ronald Mcdonald award that night + my hispanic educator award (two scholarships totaling $1500!!!!) I also have to go to a HUGE district wide ceremony & read part of the speech that won me the hispanic educator award the day after graduation!! Yikes but I’m excited. I think that’s basically all the senior events left except maybe the senior bbq??? But that’s not a big deal. I’m not sure if there’s a senior sunset and I know I posted about being upset that I didn’t go to senior sunrise but on the bus ride home from Disney, I woke up for a split second and saw the sunrise over the California desert with my best friend sleepin next to me, his arm latched onto mine & maybe that’s enough.

BUT YEAH. IM FUCKING GRADUATING. My checkout card is signed !! My 7th grade english teacher who i am super close to has her flight booked !!! Can u believe it!!

Work-wise, I was having a really hard time for a while. I was desperately looking for another job & was about to transfer because the theatre made me want to kill myself!!! My exs friends and my managers were talking so so so much shit abt me. They said some of the worst things they couldve possibly said about me - and were so condescending at a time where i was extremely insecure because i was hung up over a boy that treated me like shit & had just lost so many friends. I couldnt even imagine staying until summer - but the universe helped me out and made it so that 2 of my most condescending managers transferred & i stopped getting scheduled so much with my exs friends and things just got… better. I stopped crying everyday - or any day - at work and actually turned down an interview because i figured id just wait until july to look for another job (thats how long im required to stay at my current to qualify for a 10k dollar scholarship i think i have a good shot at getting!!). I dont feel trapped and dread going to work anymore anymore and its so so so relieving. For a second there, it really had such a strong hold on my life and im so glad thats over. It was not healthy at ALL

Driving wise - ive been driving a lil bit a few days a week now and im really enjoying it !! It is not as scary as i thought itd be. I still have a lot to learn but i think im doin pretty good + i have 3k saved up for a car & im so excited !!!

This summer is also gna be super fun - im gna throw so many parties bc all of my bffs are leavin im august for college + spend a week explorin LA w my sister which im so excited abt !!! Im super broke atm bc i had to borrow a bunch of money from my mom for grade nite & am trying to pay it back asap but hopefully any grad money will be enough to cover it so i can buy books n cute knick knacks freely while im on vacay!! Especially since my body decided to hit a second fuckin puberty this winter & none of my summer clothes fit me anymore :( ive been dressing so bummy lately bc of it but ive been too busy to care. I gotta get clothes b4 going to LA tho!!! Other than that though i really just want this summer to be abt me. I feel like even tho i KNOW i need time to myself, i always try to get the most out of literally ANY possible relationship in my life :( its such a bad thing but i hate passing up opportunities like that bc what if, u know? To love and be loved in return is what I always thought i wanted most in this world!!! But i think i just need to consider where situations like this are really going before i compromise the time i set aside to work on myself for it. SO unless i can really see something going somewhere, this summer is goin to be about reading, writing, filming, and taking care of myself !!! I want to eat better (vegetarian & vegan whenever possible!!) and exercise and take care of my skin and just get shit done in general (maybe learn to knit finally???) Im even gonna start a bullet journal!!! I think it will help keep me feelin like myself as well as stay productive & organized in college + its just such a cute hobby Not to mention my sister is ENGAGED?????? My BEST FRIEND IN THE ENTIRE WORLD!!! I will save the sappy stuff for later posts/my maid of honor speech but she really deserves this more than anyone. It hurts to see her movin out after 18 years of sleepin 10 feet away from her - if it were any earlier than this i wouldnt have been able to handle it - but im excited to be independent & im sure we’ll be sendin each other funny memes and visiting each other 24/7!! She is my best friend after all, and im just so happy to see her happy that i cant even be that sad abt losing our early morning laughs and late night talks - at least not yet!! Maybe it just hasnt set in yet

#personal #update: theres no senior sunset my school sucks

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frecklesandpie-blog · 8 years ago

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1.12.17-4.12.17

1.12 So I ended up not going to that event. But I think I'm going to try and go next week though . I think i am. My dad was great because I closed all my notes on time in my standards, and I left only fifteen minutes after eight which is like the second time i was able to do that. Many more to come. When i think about how overwhelmed I was I think the underlying thought was that I might not get over it. But if I think about what I did to get the things done, which is recognize my need to feel important and connected, realizing that I need to work on getting that need met in life rather than with client, recognizing my fear of rejection and criticism, and paying off by typing in sessions with clients, and doing that for the past two weeks since I returned, it actually didn't take as long as I thought to be able to get to the point where I wanted to be. A big portion of it was just psychological barriers. Now it's the weekend soon and I need to deal with the presentation and the paper. One thing at a tine tho I'm going to focus on remember ing stuff for the presentation first.

1.14 so I got over the presentation.the role play was fun, and I spoke fast for the presentation but I still go my points across and made eye contact. I think i did well given the limited amount of time I had to prepare . I'm heading home and I'm so excited to just lay there and do nothing between now and tomorrow noon ish. It feels weird to not be thinking about the presentation because that was my main preoccupation for the past few days. But in glad tho and very happy that I have free time. For this weekend I wanna work on that excel for intervention phrases. And organize all of that. I think. I also want to study or review the cognitive techniques. And finally just work on that family therapy paper. Yup . I will probably write a few pages . My main thing us napping for now. Yup.

1.18 The weekend was great. I got so many things done. And apparently at internship I am good enough note wise to be able to do some notes on my own. I'm sure other interns like Haley got that notice too. I want us all to be hired heh heh. Ive been nervous like all day today though. Nervous about first patient bc he seemed so intimidating . Nervous about the second guy bc he seems upset that I'm an intern but I did just conclude that without much evidence. And nervous about that other girl who seems so smart that I'm intimated by her too. And the n I think of all the nervousness I need to get through to become the therapist I want to become and that overwhelms me. I think of how I want to function better brain wise in my session too and I feel overwhelmed bc it feels impossible to me at this time. But then again a few months ago I thought managing the session time was impossible and compiling the notes was close to impossible. And being where I'm at risk assessment wise was also almost impossible and maneuvering epic the way I know now is also almost impossible. I feel like I'm slowly being sucked into their managed care way of thinking crap and I am not fond of that at all. Even right now I'm nervous. I think it's because of the celexa. It's gotta be that .

1.26 Hey there. I haven't journaled in a while. I think it's because I've been so tired and also busy with school and trying to enjoy my time that I had paper free. I feel like I've been quite distant from him. Or we have a quite distant. Like he's just playing video games and when he's not he's watching videos and we're not really interacting. It may be because we've been walking Chloe for the past 10 days and he's like a baby and needs to curl up and do his stuff when he feels overwhelmed by all the chores. But it's just weird. It feels like we havent been as interested sexually either. It maybe because of the Celexa. Which I'm going to talk to the psychiatrist about. Yesterday I went to an anxiety support group. Paid 9 but it was worth it. I realized from going to the group that when I have other domains in my life, it puts the internship and school and him into context. And I'm going to continue to do that. I think one thing that I have been reluctant to admit is that I've been getting tired of seeing his face and being with him physically so much. Like I need my space and I don't doubt that he feels the same way. Which is why I'm trying to go out more so that he also has his own time and maybe go out more.

I had a rough day at internship today. So many suicide work flows and assessments. I m frustrated they keep coming up with things to correct for me. Sigh. Really annoy but I'm going to see it as an opportunity to learn to do assessments accurately.my brain was just fried towards to end and my morale down. Sigh I was thinking unable to finish at 8 and ended up leaving around like 9:30 which I have to say I haven't done in around three weeks at least so that's good. Hopefully that won't be an issue since I will have regular patient going onwards next week and just way less psychosocials. I can do this. This is the environment that people work in. This is. It's true. So I will adjust to it and learn to adapt. And learn to manage my anxiety and tolerate it even since its not a stable enduring thing.

1.27 I'm feeling pretty sleepy today and down. Down probably partially bc he's going home today and won't be back til Sunday and he had some text from sal about a "beta invite" asking him if he wants to go. And those texts were later deleted. I don't know what a beta invite is but I feel demoralized that he hides stuff from me. I mean I already know he watches porn but what else? I also feel down because I have to go to the family dinner thing later and I'm dreading it.im dreading seeing them again. Having then evaluate me. Me helping with chores because I feel I have to please them. Mr dealing with the crap about oh yeah I'll drive you home and then making me feel guilty about not. I guess i don't have to feel guilty about it.and then that stupid fricken long trip. Taking those trips for like 20 years of my life is long enough. I don't need to d o more of it. See more hoarding . See more things I hate be reminded more of things I hate. I just wanna lay home in the warmth and nap and do nothing today so I have a break from everything . I am quite excited to have Saturday and sunday to myself though. Quite excited. I was planning to just chill today and do nothing while pursuing clinical interests on those days. I dunno.i feel kinda down though suspicious. @@dream We were living in my old house. Yamoni hasn't returned from vacation and we're worried. Chloe let out of backyard. Found toe.pretty sure it was his. Old lady came out of no where asking for us to support her and care for her for a bit. In wheelchair. We said yes. Then we moved to big house all of the sudden. Lost his toe in the progress.i found it amidst a bunch of stuff . Then old act suspicious. I followed her. Followed her to mall to a family event at the mall I was already going to . Saw that she was being suspicious. She got caught and was not actually in wheel chair. She got up to run. People got onto her. Turns out she killed him for his money and was taking our money this whole time. My family wa s there and I told him to act inconspicuous as if we were friends. some family event for myself. My mom said I told you so. She couldnt be trusted even though she totally trusted him. Then we went to some church event. I bumped into some old church acquaintances. I noted they saw me wearing glasses. Then i wento change into contacts. Saw a black girl in dark bathroom. Needed her to be there bc I freaked out.other people in big bathroom stalls were Asian. She was only black girl. Everything was really dirty. I was trying not to pollute my contacts.

1.28 Today was just an awesome day. Yesterday was awesome too. I'm not going to lie, him being gone is like stereo noise gone. Everything is so peaceful. I enjoyed it. Today I didn't pursue any clinical stuff.i spent pretty much the whole day reorganizing stuff in the room. Most of it was my stuff anyway. And then i put up the new shelf which is si beautiful .I m going to take nubs out tomorrow. And I'll probably pursue some clinical things tomorrow.

2.1 Hello there. I haven't been in the mood to journal as extensively for some reason. I was thinking about it today and I realized for sure that I do have stuff on my mind, it's just putting what's on my mind to paper has been difficult. Yesterday was my first day of class. How did I feel about it? Well research was good. I talked to people. There were people I knew. I think I wanna be friends with the Joe guy. I think. And then next was clinical 4 which was not bad either because I spoke with the girl next to me. I think I wanna try and talk to people more. Just like comments. Not necessarily conversation because probably like me, they're wondering who in the classroom they can trust or feel comfortable with. And me using my voice and smiling helps with their perception of me. I find that planning our even a few minutes beforehand what I want to say and how I want to portray myself helps. The last class was the one that's triggering. I saw two quiet people. Then I saw that outspoken girl. Maybe impartially jealous of her and that's why im hating. That's probably it. But I do want to make if a goal to portray myself as friendlier bc rhen I wouldn't have to focus my mind on making friends but just portraying myself as friendly. I think the goal or expectation of making friends is way unrealistic at this point. I think I need to focus on feeling comfortable with people. Or more like feeling comfortable being more friendly and outreaching with people. I'm going to my professional seminar class now. I hope that girl isn't there. I wanna try and be more friendly and not take unfriendly reactions or less than friendly reactions to my friendliness less personally. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with me. It doesn't mean I did anything wrong. I just met this person. It more than likely means that's the way that person reacts to me in those circumstances. I made it a goal yesterday of reinforcing my own boundaries at home and I feel good about it. I ended the show watching on my own terms and he played video games while I did reading .I quite enjoyed it because then , on my end, I didn't feel like I was rejected, and felt like I had control over what I wanted to do and felt the desire the pursue my clinical interests. On his end, I think it helps him feel less guilty about playing video games, and more free. Definitely more free. I imagine he probably feels the way I feel when my mom isn't saying things like are you going to see me this weekend? Or it's so late why you go home so late. It feels much freer when she's not saying those things and basically giving me space. Yesterday night was awesome too. I did the process recording. Spent an hour on it and then chilled for the rest of the night. Tonight is a late day. I'm scared that I might end up leaving later. And I really dont want to do that. I really really dont. Like from a 1 to 10, it's a 10 that I don't want to leave later. I'm going to try to not do that by ending early on my hour sessions. Like 20 min earlier. I'm excited to have no where to go on Friday. I guess that actually would help make up for Saturday because I have my allergist appt that day, I'll be seeing Kiki that day. And I kinda want to go to the party on that day. So I can practice going up to people and talking to them. I also can't wait to cut my hair tomorrow! The only thing I'm worried about is possibly feeling too exhausted by the time I see Kiki. But it doesn't necessarily have to be that way. I can enjoy my time with her. I really can. I can be in touch with myself. Be comfortable. I can. And then I can bring clothes to change for the party too and contacts to change later. For when I see kiki and go to the party. I can even bring a nutter butter as an incentive. Benefits of going? It'll be a learning experience, a practice experience. It'll have positive effects on my socializing in the classroom and at internship. I would feel more comfortable and confident with that temporarily (or not temporarily)added domain to my life. Yesterday I saw that Filipino girl in class. She's at one of the cool mental health clinics and I really feel jealous. Though when I think about it there are definitely both pros and cons to psychoanalysis and the so called evidence based practices. For one evidence based ones are in higher demand and more "popular" on managed care terms , though my interest does lie in psychodynamic orientation. Plus. It may be that she is learning that way if thinking now but I will too. I will take those classes and learn too. I will get there. Also if I had actually gone to a more psychodynamic place I would've sort of partially consolidated my prejudices towards the"evidence based " practices. And would not realize as I do now how useful and effective and helpful it can be.

2.6 Happy Monday.. I'm not too excited that it's Monday but I don't dread it to much either. I was going to do my process recording this morning but I realized that i needed to journal to clear my mind. My weekend was too awesome and relaxing. I did nothing on Friday. Then i saw mom on Sat and also went to a lunch class with Kiki. The kung fu class was interesting. But what was great was that I really felt like I did enjoy my time with Kiki. I originally wanted to go to a party afterwards but I realized that it would probably drain me way too much and that it was best to start small. Today though I am craving more social interactions .I tried to look to see if there were any meetup today but I didn't see any that interested me. Tomorrow I have a support group thing at 7 that I might go to. I might. Not sure. I'm thinking though that since it's at 7,the two hours before that would be a great opportunity to get homework done. Since on Friday I have all these appointments and will probably see mom then. That's what I'm thinking. Because if I get my homework done then then I'd have the whole Saturday to chill :D which would be awesome. When I think about Saturday I'm also craving to go to some social event. I think unfortunately though I wish it was me, it's probably the Zoloft and the new chemicals in my body that makes me crave this. Whatever though. I'm going to be on it for a few months and I'm going to make the best of those few months. Did I tell you how classes were? I think I did. I was and still am glad that I was able to speak up twice I think in two of the classes. That perfectionist girl right now is where I'm channeling my resentment unfortunately, but I'm not even acting out on it. Tomorrow i have classes again and I think I'm going to focus on talking more to people. For research I can talk to Kristi I think. For clinical I can talk to that new ish friend ish girl . I think her name is Jillian and probably someone else that class too. I want to because it's my last semester and I have nothing to lose. I just gotta seem Friendlier and people should be more likely to talk to me on their own too. I also gotta work on more eye contact. And then that last class is like the most intimidating . Let me brainstorm where would be the best place for me to ditto feel mist comfy... Probably with Tara ? But then in my head I think ew I'd be sitting with the quieter people. but it's okay. My goal is to be comfortable talking in class for that class specifically . I've been unintentionally thinking about ifh this past weekend even though it's something I don't want to do. I guess it's just the fact that they see me somewhat positively has given me hope that I could potentially work there. I know I'm just building my hopes up for half and half reasons but I'm going to allow myself to do that because its not like I'm not going to look for jobs just because I'm putting all my eggs in the ifh basket. Because i still will look for jobs. But now that they see me more positively there has been twice where my mind has gone to the place where I worry imight "fail" that image in someway. The thing is that it would be hard for me to "fail" that image because this whole time.. the things that I do and the decisions I make was based on my own standards (which I refuse to let other people label as perfectionist or "low self esteem") and was also based on my own desire and own drive and motivation for clinical development. None of it was based on their standards. Im going to brainstorm though and think about what some or thing criteria they have are that I met that has led them to see me more positively.. I stay later to be sure I finish my notes I mostly try to check off all the checklists of a note I am able to put in fine phone outreaches I reach out to Alex and Jennifer when it requires. I reach out to Tory when I have questions. I make sure I do all the suicide assessments with each red banner patient . I show self awareness with patients. Or try to. I show initiative in learning on my own. I try to write progress notes on my own standards. I checked the clinicians standards and previous comments before sending a note to them. I smile to other staff. In general I do. I try to manage my own care team by following up and doing letters and discharges. Which I want to continue to do.

I want to work more in managing my own care team. I want to work on referring to care management or something. I want to be more I do si assessments via phone with red banner patient s. I want to more readily reach out to other clinicians or collateral contacts. And documenting them. I want to work on being a little more talkative with other people and clinicians.

Yeah. In feeling nervous right now but I think it's because I want to poo...when I get home today I also want to work on reviewing clinical development. Possibly turning that CBT and act word doc into progress note language. Possibly ly. But that task sounds quite daunting right now. Maybe I can work on just a part, or small part, of one doc.

2.7 I'm not going to lie. I feel depressed. I talked to people in my first and last class today b it I also just wanted to fall asleep. I felt my mind going to the conclusion that I will never make friends. But I didn't conclude that. It was leading up to it because I looked around the room and saw how everyone was do different from me. Them and their social work values. And then i see people who are similar and I feel distained to associate with them. Last night I had a scary dream. I was somehow about to marry Roger. And my mom and his mom and the church was there and they called both of our names up. And I was like hold up. I f this marriage is going to work I'm going to have to talk to him first. At one pt I even looked in the crowd and saw cousin Alan and for some reason thought that it was a possibility for alan to tell Roger about my relationship with chub. And I told him I was in a relationship with him for 7 years. That I even had sex. That I don't want kids. That I want to do missionary stuff and he said okay we will still get married. And then i thought okay he wants to still marry me. I will just break off my relationship with him. And marry him. And my mom was look at us and his mom was looking at us. I hate the accountability and publicity and just the public life. I hate it. I woke up and I was like what? No he's already my husband. And I love him and would not do that to him. I'm ongoing to lie that a part of me does because of the Christian life and the public life andIt just feels like of free but also not free. It's 5:30 right now and I'm not going to lie I feel down. I just want to curl in bed. Which h gets even more depressing . I do though. I just want to curl in bed and eat junk food.

2.8 So I ended up napping until he came home. Well I guess before that I also watched a comedy show. I'm feeling okay today. When I think about me making friends though i m still inclined to feel hopeless. Though the fact is now at this time of my life I'm not even trying to make friends. I'm trying to just feel comfortable interacting with people. I think of how I'm going to graduate without having made that many friends and I just feel left out and held back by my social inhibition. I thought of how I have tomorrow at internship before the weekend comea and I'm just like eh.imnot really looking forward to tomorrow. But what am I dreading that's so bad? I guess one thing I know for sure I dread is having to do that psychosocial tomorrow before I leave. That most likely will take extra time. Though my goal is to limit the amount of time needed so that I stay extra the least amount of time. I then think about the weekend and I just don't even feel that enthusiastic about it. I've really been craving social interactions. O mean I guess if I really really wqnted to. I could go somewhere. You know what I'm going to go somewhere. Whether or not I feel like actually going to the actual event. And if I look on meetup and feel inhibited I'm going to really critically think about why I do not want to go. I think I've also definitely been feeling empty a little. In my soul. I definitely have. I was going to bring an intervention book to read for tonight when I'm on the rrain but I thought I'd probably feel quite drained by then. The other thing is that every morning. Most mornings, I get very excited about reading the intervention books at night, but rhen in general by the time I'm home I just wanna do nothing. I think if I feel the same way tonight I'm going to aim to just finish or get close to finishing the depression chapter tonight. I'm going to have an hour to do it anyway. Or at least half an hour? Or maybe not because I also want to do nubs humidifier and refill his water and maybe take him out. I think I might prioritize that but I'm not completely certain .

2.10 sigh I've been feeling bored. And maybe even a little empty. Today is Friday and this week when I get home I've just either been sleeping or pursuing clinical stuff. Don't get me wrong the pursuing clinical stuff is great because that's something that I had such a hard time getting myself to do, but it's like aside form that I don't have much excitement in my life. I've been thinking about going to do social stuff just to feel some excitement. When u go home he's just playing video games,then I feel bored and do my stuff and sleep early. We havent been talking much at all. It's like we are just two separate people living in the same room. Which I'm going to be fine with because I've been wanting to experience a break from him. I think the only reason I don't feel it's fine is because I'm missing the feel of connecting with someone. I'm sure this disconnection from each other isn't permanent anyway. And if it is still this way next week, then I'm going to see what this new way of living is like and what I learn and get out of it. But anyway I've been tempted in my mind to lament him not spending time with me but I'm not going to act on that. I think him pursuing the things he wants to do while I am home is a positive sign of him being able to be himself and feel at home when home. And I'm going take this feeling of lack of connection and do something with it by socializing more. Today tho I have just been at my dentist all morning. The longest wait ever. I'm going to the psychiatrist afterward and then the allergist before j see mom. He suggested yesterday to work out tonight. I think I don't feel motivated but it's something I want to be a regular part of my life so I think I might agree to it. I might. Not sure . I'm going to tolerate this distance between me and him because it's an opportunity for me to pursue life

2.11 I just went to a support group and it was pretty good. Too bad the guy charges 10 for 250. Well to be accurate, it was good in the sense that I did well. And now I am craving for more. I tried looking and I didn't see anything that interested me. I got this girls number today which was awesome. It makes me feel so empowered like I could just make friendquaintences with the snap of a finger. I feel like I want to go again to a social event tomorrow to make friendquaintences. Either to the board game one or the support group one or even both . I think my goal at this time is to make friendquaintences not friends. It feels great. It's probably the Zoloft so thank you Zoloft.

I would consider today to be a pretty productive day. I went to the support group, made a friendquaintance, Then saw mom for a few hours. It was completely enjoyable. I felt a bit suffocated bc I was reminded of stuff and then i started worrying about his mom and my mom meeting. But it's under control because I will continue to do what I am doing which is meeting my mom at places I know his mom won't be at and continuing to check where his mom is. I think I am feeling a bit overwhelmed. There's a job fair in like three weeks and I don't feel prepared for it at all. And so I've been binge watching this show for a few hours. I am quite enjoying the fact that he's not here but I'm also scared because it feels like we're getting tired of each other. And losing the interest. Which is really scary. It is. And it's hard for me to admit it. I'm going to make the to do list for the job fair tho. I am. I'm going to do it.

2.12 I made the to do list for the job fair and even worked on some of it. Pat on the back. I feel nervous tho. Why? I'm nervous because I also wanted to work on my clinical stuff too but now I also have this job thing on my to do list. I mean the job thing is obviously more important. I just feel like I'm missing out on clinical stuff I wanted to do and when I think about doing clinical stuff I feel like I'm missing out on job fair stuff. And then when I think of job fair stuff I'm like really stressed and nervous. What to do what to do... I was thinking that I'd spend the rest of the day today working on clinical and then start job fair stuff tomorrow since I'm so stressed so then that just continues to keep the stress about the job fair at that level, if not increase it. So I think I might do a tiny bit of clinical? I dunno .

2.13 I ended up working in my resume which felt awesome that I worked on it. I'm glad for my anxiety because it alerts me to what is most important and priority . Did I tell you that I also signed up for a Bible study group. For the first time I made it public that I am married and it felt really scary. The reality is still scary to bear. I wasn't excited to go to internship today.but when I think about Wednesday it wasn't that bad. I quite enjoyed it and was able to finish my notes in time. I think I feel bad because i need to continue working on finishing up my notes in time. Especially in the morning because otherwise im quite backtracked. I'm going to work on that today. Hopefully. I think I just dreaded it because I ve been used to associating the internship with the stress and not being able to pee when I need or fill my water when I need. Which is all the more reason to work on ending my sessions early or on time. I'm glad I decided to work on the resume thing yesterday instead of pursuing clinical stuff. I think for now, I'm going to push pause on clinical so I can work on the job fair stuff. At least pause it until I feel working on clinical would give my mind a break or pause it when I feel I really want to skim the clinical so that I know what to do. I think I'm a bit in denial of the fact that the job fair is a legitimate thing I can get a job from. Like people and agencies legitimately go and put their stand there because they know msw are graduating and they know they want to hire people. I have experience. I pursue clinical interests in my own time. I have books for it too. My worry now is that I remember looking at some of the jobs and some seem to include case management or children. Yuck. I hate both of those. Well children I don't genuinely hate, I just prefer to get in touch with my hate for them as a defense. I'm going to be sure I get people's numbers especially Jillian's tomorrow during class . I wanna talk to people about the job thing too.

2.16 I got Jillian's number and this other girls number. The girl is named Tatiana. I was watching her talking to this other girl and she seemed so relaxed . I was eavesdropping and I wish i was that close to someone. I think of cyclical psychodynamics and I wonder if I'm missing something that plays a big role in connecting to others. Like maybe being more vulnerable and reaching out more with a balance.l instead of kind of putting up my guards. Though I must say I have let down my guards a lot since I took Zoloft.a part of me wished that I achieve this myself, a part of me is grateful for the changes and have decided to make the most out of it while I'm on it. It's better to have established friendships and then deal with the sa rather than the other way around. I'm going to an anxiety group later. I'm excited. Tho a bit worried that they may cancel the group because there's literally only two people going. Me and this other girl ans the organizer but I'm going to take that as an opportunity to be able to talk freely with strangers and try to make friends. And then I'm seeing Paul. I didn't see him last week because of the blizzard and it was okay. I'm not sure what to talk about today. I am not. I've been feeling very awesome during the mornings lately. I think taking Zoloft and sleeping earlier has definitely been helping with that. Also praying and listening to the Bible in the mornings. This morning I was in a good mood and I thought of the job fair and for the first time ever I was excited about it and saw it as a great great opportunity to talk about my skills and what I've learned and how I'll contribute to their company and to be the best version of me. Even if I don't get a job it will be a great learning experience and I'll get a lot of our the experience. Especially the psychological ease of knowing that I've done something. And overcome such a scary thing. These days I go about my life and I'm like oh wow this is how people who aren't enslaved by anxiety go about their lives? It's such a relaxing life. O realized that this is the happiest and freest period of my life aside from the time when my innocence wasn't knocked down yet. Like I am free from my family. I have control over when I want to talk to mom. I have control over join8bg church groups, socializing opportunities, what I want to do when I'm home. It's such an awesome period of my life. I get to do and say what I want to my family without have to suffer from the repercussions of it.

2.21 I've been procrastinating for the past two days on my job fair prep. It just feels way too overwhelming. The fact that there are so many companies I have to prepare for. The fact that I don't even know what it's like. That I've never been to q job fair before. The fact that when I think of competition like Courtney and Hailey and Hannah I just cringe. I don't know how to convey the impression that I am better than they are in anyway. I feel like they are totally on the same level I am. I think of mhsc and it just feels like I'm taking a total gamble. And then i think of the policy video I have to do, the research paper and the problem statement and I just feel overwhelmed. Coupled with the fact that I've been feeling guilty for not seeing mom this past weekend and having to see her this upcoming weekend and also not wanting to see her.ivr been watching shows all day and I feel crappy. The thing is that I've been doing fine on Friday and Sat but didn't start procrastinating til Sunday.on Sunday I got this flash of panic of not being able to do well. I think that might be when I started to freak out. Coupled with the fact that I have freakin dumb process recordingsto do tomorrow and having to do stuff with him tonight. I just wanna curl up in bed and Kay here forever while the stronger me prepares and deals with the job fair. And then I'll wanna come back out again and face the world.

2.23 .I feel like I wanna just lay in bed and crumble up. Whats the matter? I have a job fair in two weeks and an interview for ifh in two weeks. I thought the job fair was enough and I was already worrying about whether or not I'd be able to handle that. But now there's an interview too? I spoke with Alison yesterday about her interview and it was way too much for my mind to handle. I mean I have the ability to think of cases and how I handle them and the ability to consider and use evidenced based practices and describe them but it's two much for two weeks. Oh I sure do not doubt that i'm over thinking the job fair. Maybe all I need to do is cone up with a description of myself and my experiences. And then give them my resume. My goal is for an interview anyway. The ifh interview is a great opportunity for the interview experience you know? Yeah I agree. It's just I have this fear that I'll just get overwhelmed screw up the job fair and then get stuck at ifh or worse not even get the ifh position and just feel stuck. I hate feeling stuck and trapped. Sometimes I feel stuck and trapped in my own issues other times I feel stuck and trapped in external circumstances. The worst that can happen in my mind is that I don't get the ifh position and Hailey does and I'll then just feel unworthy compared to her. Feel that i'm not good enough or something.

3.2 Okay. Hi. Guess what's going on.. I have a job fair tomorrow.im signing a lease tomorrow.. and I have an interview on Monday. I was quite overwhelmed and complaining but you know what it's great that I have time tonight to prepare more. I want to work at mhsc. I do. I'm overwhelmed and nervous because I have aderral in my system and because I found new info about thrive that I want to be able to know by tomorrow. I'm also nervous about whether or not my "pitch" is good enough. I mean at it core I just need to say all the things that meet their requirement so it's not that difficult. It's not difficult at all I would say. I just need to say it a couple of times. My most important priority is mhsc and then community health and maybe sus. Maybe. And also worried about this weekend.. jusg seeing all those new questions for the ifh interview really threw me off. But you know what it's okay because I can use old experiences. I think it's definitely doable. It's just me doing well with mhsc tomorrow so I can fully focus on ifh. One thing at a time. I'm focusing on mhsc tonight. What do they want? Willingness to work with high need communities. And I will. And prior experience with primary care. Etc.

3.6 Hey there.. I just left ifh with my dog collar unfortunately. I interviewed with them today and was actually able to say almost all of the things I wanted to say and wasn't like almost unable to breathe either. I just questionwhether or not they were impressed with me because there weren't many laughs and Laura talked about some part time jobs instead of full. Jennifer also checked out at times. Sigh. Whatever I really did do the next I've ever done on an interview and now that u have this experience I wouldn't have to prepare as much for my future interviews. I think I'm going to apply for mhsc for sure. Sigh. I don't want to do it after i grt home but I'm going to have to because I need the job. I'm also going to look into the other jobs that people mentioned to see what I can get for interviews. I feel like I've fought the hardest part of the battle and I think that if i don't have a full time job in the end then i most likely will at least have a part time. Which is good enough for now because that's better than being jobless for sure.

3.8 I feel a bit out of it. I don't know if it's because I was so full on mode into preparing the job interview and now that it's over in like what? This is all that I had to deal with in life befoee the interview happened? And everything seems so underated. Yup that definitely contributes to it. The other thing is just me knowing that my next steps are preparing for the mhsc interview and moving. And maybe applying to other jobs. The thing about the mhsc is I'm scared f8 start preparing for it because I haven't even gotten an interview invitation. But you know what preparing for it befoee hand and then getting the invitation is better than not preparing and feeling completely stressed immediately after they notify me. So I'm going to start on that. Whats the coat anyway? That I get disappointed? Well that's okay because I've been disappointed before. I keep thinking back to the ifh interview and feeling I did almost nothing else. Almost. Nothing else. But slayed it. But at the same time I'm scared to think that because of their poker faces and because of what Laura said about the part time job and her stropping me when we got further into the next steps. I mean me feeling bad about rhat isn't going to do anything so what I'm going to focus on instead is moving and the mhsc interview. I realized after speaking with them that i would SO rather so the same exact work at mhsc even if they have the same unrealistic expectations and learn Chinese more and have a new superviaoe than continue at that hellhole. Hah. Maybe that's why I'm dreading going there today. Because I've just been calling it a hellhole. Hell hole hell hole hell hole.today is Wednesday and I'm probably going to get home around 9pm tonight. Tonight I'm going to start thinking about the next steps for the jobs. Before tonight I'm going to respond to that Amanda lady. I honestly don't even want to talk to anyone else at the job fair except mhsc. I think I'm putting myself in a rabbit hole tho because I'm just really limiting my options..

3.13 Hello there love.i was wishing for a day off this week so so badly and now I have tomorrow off which is awesome. I want to do my interview stuff but at the same time I feel like I'm doing a gamble because I don't know if I'll feel motivated. If anything what I have learned is that my motivation builds as I start doing things and get into it. I really hope they call me for an interview though because its been exactly one week .

3.16 I ve been so out of touch with myself and my thoughts. Proof? Look at how short my entries are. I'm going to make an effort to be in touch with the thoughts today . So I'm going to internship now. I called out yesterday because I just didn't feel like going to class or internship.plus the last time I actually called out sick was last semester. Calling out sick once this semester doesn't hurt. The reason I called out though is because I've been so absorbed into the fact that almost all I want in life is about to come true. Balcony. Bunny. Own place to walk around naked and do whatever I want. Own place where I can sing where ever I want. No one knows where I live. It's too amazing to me. And I'm just so excited that the fantasy is about to come true that I find it hard to contain myself. And to even focus on the potential interview . When I think of my excitement tho, it's kind of dampened by the fact that he still is going to wanna go home. Like I feel like I'm competing with his mom or something -.- but whatever I am going to appreciate the alone time. Like really really appreciate it. The only reason I could contain myself enough to go to work today is because I only have like four patients in total. And then i plan to leave. If they decide not to hire me..it would be because I had a stupid doctors appt on monday and couldn't stay for a patient. I do sort of regret not staying tho. But whatever. I've been not worrying as much about work because he got his 9000 back and so I feel I have back up. Worse comes to worse I'll do fee for service . It can't be that bad I think ... I just need to get my lmsw . And I can even apply for the other jobs. I spoke with like three places and didn't get to talk to them. It can't b that back. I can't possibly have cut my ties to the rest of the world by not sending thank you emails to like three agencies. I can't wait to leave and pack today. Like I can't even wait til therapy is over. I regret not calling out either . Sigh. Whatever I'm sure I'm going to get something out of it . You know what's really scary though? The fact that im so caught up by all of this that it scares me to know that none of this is permanent. I feel the pull of worldliness and materialism. I want to use what I have to glorify God. I don't want to not want him. I don't. And I will start once everything I settled . Though for now I am praying .

3.16 So I'm heading to therapy now. So glad the day went by so quick. So glad. I'm glad I enjoy my job and that it goes by fast. I don't even know what I'm going to talk about in therapy. Probably my excitement but then also frustration about how mom still asked me why I didn't see her and proceeded to tell me about this old lady. And then kept asking if I have bf. Maybe I think in myhead that having bf means I abandon her. I don't know how tot think of it because I did crave her affection less after i got with him. And it's just so annoying. And in going to tell him about the interview thing.maybe maybe not. I dunno

3.18 I am so excited about this interview opportunity. It seems like the interview is only half an hour and I will need to convey all my strengths in half an hour. I will need to check off all their check boxes in half an hour. I will review all essential interview questions and internalize them so that the essential points and strengths are communicated. This is a great opportunity but it's not a big deal if I don't get it .I will just get another job if that's the case. But ideally because I already have this opportunity lined up. I will do my best to maximize my chances of getting it so I can also maximize the amount or number of opportunities available to me. It is 11:16 right now. I'm going to make tea and drink jugs of water today. I am going to track. Not judge.but track what I spend every hour doing today. I am so blessed.i don't deserve this apartment but now that I am here.i can focus on the thing that I need to focus on it.i can postpone all apartment things until after. No rush. I have all that I have ever wanted and needed and now I can focus on job.

3.20

I feel so exhausted. Today is my first day going to Manhattan from the new place. I hope the amt of time it says on google maps to get there is actually the amount of time. If it is, it's about 10m more than the usual amt of time but the trade off of a new neighborhood and mom not knowing where I live is so so worth it. I found out yesterday that the sunlight in the apartment is actually different from the old place . Here, I get direct sunlight in the morning as opposed to the majority of the afternoon. I'm a little disappointed but if I think about it, if I got another apartment with the sun in the afternoon I would be wondering what it's like and how awesome it'd be to have sun in the morning. So I'm going to be happy with it. I'm going to enjoy it . I do enjoy it. I am and want to be a morning person. I think I am just especially extremely exhausted today because I only had four hours of sleep. I feel so worried because I'm afraid they won't approve my interview time on Wed. Sigh.

3.22 Guess what?! I did the mhsc interview. That's about all the jobs I will be interviewing for until I get a lmsw and then apply for other jobs. I am so amazingly glad to have gotten that over with. I don't think I did poorly. They seem to be impressed by my evidence based therapy skills. Well .I guess if they place me in a sucky place then I'll just go with ifh.i mean I don't know what im talking about because I haven't even gotten a rejection or acceptance. Either way I'm so excited to go home and enjoy my new home without worrying about the interview stuff:) it's too amazing. Way too amazing. I see Paul tomorrow and have the allergy appt tomorrow. I just cannot wait to be home and do nothing. This is too amazing. Way too amazing. Thank you God. Thank you God. Thank you God.

3.26 I went to bed at 7 because my freedom allowed me.but now it's 12 and Im hungry and I've just been dreaming nightmares. My last nightmare was the nightmare of my life. Pregnancy. Having to explain myself. Being stuck with him who only acted like another child for me to take care of. Being exposed and know by people who told my family. Having to make up lies. Being stuck with a child. Horrifying. Horrifying. Horrifying. I don't know if it's because I'm hungry or what because if that's the case I'm going to eat something. I feel so free. So so free. Free to hang out. Free to be out late. Great you proud of yourself? I lied to get myself out of having to see my family and to have to go all the way back to Queens village. I hate the trip. I just hate it more than I would like to admit. But that doesn't give me an excuse to lie. No excuse is an excuse to lie. I lie way too easily. And way too readily . Well now it's 7:34 in the morning and I'm just here. I'm seeing dad tomorrow evening. Then going to yamoni on Tuesday to fix up stuff. Wednesday I have stupid internship. And Thursday I have paul. Friday I have that training. I guess I'll just see mom on Friday night. I guess. Or maybe Saturday after i see Kiki? It's 12:30 right now. I pretty much slept from 7last night til now. O think I just am not use to not having anything urgent and pressing to do. And so I just don't know what to do with myself. I've been having horrifying nightmares too. Nightmares of me being pregnant. Her finding out where I live. Her finding out his name.horrifying.horrifuing.well I woke up to a dream life and now it's 12:30. What am I going to do for the next day five hours? No idea . I thought about doing aswb but I don't completely feel like it. Plus I'm suppose to be on my break after doing all that interview stuff. I thought about hanging out but it's just really gloomy outside. It really is. Maybe that's also why I'm like melancholy.

3.27. I really don't want to write this entry but I'm going to make myself do it. I've been frustrated and annoyed at him for spending so much time playing videos games. Staying up til 3am. Defying me for when I made the commen that he looks like Jerry when he does that Asian face . It makes me mad because I see his face and am reminded of the fact that I am stuck with him. Him and his face. Which is so awful and shallow of me but that's how I feel. And it pisses me off that he is proud of it and doesn't want to change it and is resistant to any of my attempts to change it.

4.4 okay I'm really going to try and sit down and write this journal entry. I'm going home now. today was a chill day. I made a new friend. it's the Asian girl I was judging and avoiding. and we somehow happened to become friends because she's also interested in Psychodynamic. I'm really considering attending an institute. but I want to first get confirmation that I can work at mhsc first.. which should be in two weeks. I don't think it'd be too late to apply by then. I'm going home now and originally I was going to take take a nice bath but I changed my mind and no longer felt like it because then I'd have to spend money on additional stuff. my materialism is really growing and I will take this apartment as an opportunity to manage it

4.5 so spending time Journaling didn't work out last time. I got distracted and decided to give it a try again next time which I am doing again right now. it's Wednesday and I am so so excited for tomorrow to be done with because then my break comes. I am really excited. I think when I go home I'm going to organize my desk because it's a total mess. otherwise I've been good. I accepted the ifh position but if mhsc accepts me than I'm definitely going to take that instead. I've decided accepted 50 50 gamble for a good place is better than being at a place that i know will be 75 % way too much to handle. it's just not necessary. and if the 50 lands me at a place that I don't like the pop or with just as high expectations than at least I took the gamble and get paid more. I'm hanging out with Kristi for lunch on sat. I'm excited for that. I have been finding my self in a state of excitement and anticipation to talk to people in class. which is awesome. like seriously I haven't felt this way since high school. the difference is that in hs I was fake happy but now I'm genuinely myself and I have no idea how I have been able to get to this point. it's just too amazing to be true. way too amazing. I find myself feeling so moved by it . I think I actually have a few friends even though they may not be close regular hang out friends, they're still friends. mollie, Natasha, tara, Jillian, yunan, vicky, hailey, kiki. and I'm actually going to go to redeemer community group on monday. I just think I've been postponing things for too long. I feel ready to join and talk to people and be connected. I am married and I have nothing to be ashamed of. I have things I want to do during break. mainly study for the exam but I'm afraid I'll fall into a state of not wanting to do anything. I don't know if I'll necessarily feel that way though because I feel like I've just been having a different outlook on life. it's been shifting is all I can say. I'm waking up, enjoying the view, looking forward to go home, looking forward to talk to people, right now even all little bit of looking forward to see mom. I definitely want to call dad. looking forward to joining the community group. looking forward to hearing back from mhsc and if not it's totally okay. looking forward to getting licensed. I don't have anything debilitating anxiety pr fears of getting stuck . getting backed into a wall with no way out. I go home and my journey is most chill. not dread. I'm not feeling fatigued or tired until bed time. before I would feel that way around 8 or even earlier. I can't believe I am capable of living this kind of a life. or that this was even a possibility or option for me.

4.8 notes for Paul from mom interaction you're like your dad . so antisocial and such a loner youre growing more and more into your dad everything I say you don't want to hear. sooner or later you aren't going to wanna hear me talk at all . you're going to not communicate with me. And you'll just forget about me. yeah you're a giant human being I'll just forget about. and I'll forget about you too because I'm old and I'll have alzheimers it's not called gossiping. it's called communicating. then what's gossiping. I'm not talking to you. you'll just not listen to me. I am trying tp teach you what's right and wrong and how to reason . and you won't listen. tell me what you think it is and I won't argue. you're telling me that I'm not communicating with you. here I am trying to. and you're refusing.

dream: not being able to go to conference. couldn't see the map and missing stop. then conflict with mom. 6e silent judging. thInking abt asking him marriage. thinking about asking paul to see me .

4.12 I'm in the middle of break now. the first two days was a lot of laying. I definitely barely studied for the lmsw exam. I think that since I'm going to have to study it anyway, I might as well treat this as if it's a vacation. it's just hard stripping the thought of having to study away from my mind. stripping the though away that I'm wasting time. but u think it'd really benefit me if I could really focus on relaxing and enjoying my time off. I've just been feeling depressed and not like doing anything on monday I just laid around. and slept. and then yesterday I laid, went to hone depot and then laid again. I still have a hard time believing that I'm living the life I'm living. I think of before when i was dreaming about apartments. I thought I'd be content with just a one bedroom apartment with sunlight. or I'd be content with just a small balcony . but now I have a one bedroom apartment with this amazing view. with a bus that goes directly toanhattan where I don't have to deal with the jam in the morning. with a balcony that's 9 ft where I can sun bathe til noon. where I get morning sun. where the water pressure is amazing. where there are no roaches. this is more than I could ever ask for. where there's a local park. I sometimes question in my head whether basically anywhere away from mom is somewhere where I'll be happy. but it's not just that. this place is just sincerely literally undoubtedly amazing. God what did I do or deserve this? I didn't do a thing and I don't deserve it. anyway I have just been not feeling like I'm on vacation. before I was looking forward to chilling at home. doing home decor. but I haven't been feeling it. which is a good thing. I don't want to be tied by the collar of materialism. but I also haven't been feeling like doing the olive oil shower or painting. I think it going to try some behavioral activation on myself and probably make a smoothie tonight. I'm exited for that :)

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