#and even then my parent's words had me crying and rapidly changing emotions daily until the day came

[skunkes]

the bad: i have been raised without much warmth from my parents in childhood, but also pressured to conform to familial authority, doubt myself always, and value familial connections above all else (<- failed at this, and feel guilt about it.)

but also in experiencing this i have been so isolated from the entire rest of the world and others, that it will be nearly impossible to create my own "family" -> find safety and comfort in anybody else once my family is Gone. despite dis i find it really difficult to break away from the familiar, disobey and disappoint, because, well, why are my wishes more important than anybody else's. why would I cause upset and distress in anybody, and exert so much effort into my doubt filled half decisions, for my meaningless little Wishes. being away would also mean less time with these people who I'll never see again once they're gone. being raised this way is definitely paying off for those who did so.

the good: yaaaay adjacent inspiration for writing talon lore

[champion-leon-imagines]

Chronicles of Galar - Chapter 3: A loss & Gain of trust

This chapter is kinda sad at first. As a warning, a minor (and non-canon) character death that hit you hard and you don’t know what to do.. then you meet Leon and everything changes. Your level of friendship increases and he gives you comfort in a way, no other person would ever be able to give you. Comfort!Fluff.

"[Y/n]..", Cynthia's voice was sad and battered and that alerted you directly. Cynthia rarely called, and only when it was important or bad news. Her pitched voice suggested the worst. "I hate to have to say something like that over the phone .. ... Grandmother died .."

Your eyes widened and tears began to run down your cheeks. You had expected all sorts of things, but this news threw you completely off the mark.

"W-what ..? W-How ..? She was very healthy and not yet that old .. ", you mumbled sadly and clutched your smartphone tightly while more tears ran down your face. Professor Carolina, the village elder of Celestic Town and grandmother of Cynthia, was like a mother to you. Carolina had cared for you since the beginning of your trainer career. Since you lived in Sinnoh for several years and lived with her, the two of you cultivated such an intimate and harmonious relationship. Her death news had torn the ground from under your feet.

"She had a heart attack .. Caused by an allergic reaction after she had been exposed to the poison of an aggressive Roserade .. Roserades release a special toxin that has so far remained undiscovered by researchers, as they only eliminate it when they are really feel cornered and have to protect their offspring .. Grandmother had found a nest and wanted to study it from a safe distance, but one of the Roserades has lost its nerve. She fought for survival in the hospital for days, but .. ", Cynthia said and could no longer speak through her own tears .

"For days ...? And you call me NOW ..? Cynthia, I would have left everything and gone to Sinnoh .. "

"I didn't wanted to ruin your adventure in Galar. None of us expected that Grandmother ... would not survive .. The doctors also said at first that she was recovering nicely, but then her condition deteriorated so rapidly .... And then I was just too occupied and sad that I forgot to call you earlier. I am so sorry.."

You felt terrible. Not only because of the loss, but also because you screamed at Cynthia like this for not letting you know sooner. "Don't apologize .. I'm sorry if I sounded harsh .. I .. can't believe it .." you mumbled sadly and wiped your face.

"We all feel that way in Celestia Town.. Believe me .. The .. funeral is next week .. on Wednesday ... Are .. are you coming ..? "

"Of course I'll come .. Cynthia, thanks for everything you've done for me. I'll never forget Carolina .. I'll see you on Wednesday .. I love you, big sister, okay ..? "

"I love you too, little sister .. take good care of yourself."

With these words, Cynthia hung up and you dropped to your knees to completely give in to your emotions. You were crying so loud that your brother and his fiancée ran from the study straight to your room and wanted to know what was going on.

It wasn't long before you felt overwhelmed by the comforting hugs and words of your real family. You gently pushed the two of them away and stood up. "Sorry .. But I would like to be alone for a moment .. I'll go for a walk ..", you said and walked to the door.

"Now..? Do you took a look outside? It's raining cats and dogs. Take an umbrella with you at least. ", Aki said , worried and crossed her arms.

"I don't mind .. It's just water .. I'll .. I'll come back later, okay ..?", You smiled sadly and raised your hand to say goodbye before you just stormed out into the rain. Aki shook her head and collapsed onto the hotel couch. You and them currently stayed in Motostoke.

“I never realized how close the relationship was between her and Professor Carolina. Her death hits her as hard as if a family member had died. ", Aki said quietly.

"She was a family member for her." Mamoru began sadly. “When [Y/n] lived in Sinnoh after our parents started to argue daily, the professor behaved like a mother to her. She raised [Y/n] without hesitation, and became more or less like a little sister to Cynthia. Professor Carolina was the caring mother, our mother couldn't be at that time. So I understand that her death takes [Y/n] with it ... ", he explained.

"Shouldn't we then follow her and be there for her?", Aki insisted. Mamoru shook his head slightly.

"No. She said she wants to be alone. My sister is strong. She won't do anything stupid. Let's give her some time. And when she has recovered, she will come back and then we can still be there for her. ", he smiled confidently.

"If she hasn't caught pneumonia by then.", Aki sighed slightly. Mamoru smiled sadly.

“Then we mustn't blame her. This is what she needs least of all at the moment. "

You ran around aimlessly in the rain for a few minutes until you lost your strength and sat down on a wet bench. Your clothes were soaked and your hair was stuck to your face so that you could barely see anything. But you didn't really care about that at the moment. You pulled back your knees and put your arms around them as you leaned your head on your drawn knees and sobbed softly into them. You couldn't even say goodbye to Carolina .. You wanted to tell her so much, show her so much .. So many things were unsaid .. For example, how grateful you were that she welcomed you so warmly .. How much you appreciated you had learned and how much you  loved to bake Christmas cookies with her one last time .. that was all over now. That thought just didn't go into your head.

Minutes passed. The minutes turned into hours and the rain just wouldn't stop. It was like the heaven cried for her too. Not that it helped in any way, because your own tears just wouldn't stop. At some point you could only hear the rain, but the droplets didn't seem to hit you anymore.

'Have my senses become so numb that I can no longer feel the rain on me ..?' You thought bitterly and then looked up. You blinked perplexed when a red cape was stretched over you. You saw Leon, who was holding his big cape over him and you and protecting both of you from the rain.

"You didn't choose a good day to sit out here." Leon laughed slightly until he saw that it wasn't just rainwater that had moistened your face. Your gloomy eyes made his smile fade and he held the cape over you more generously. "Did you .. cry ..?" He asked quietly. Normally you would have been happy to meet him here, but under the current circumstances, you couldn't utter a single word. Instead, you bit your lip to hold back more tears. Unsuccessful as it seemed, because more tears ran down your cheeks again and made you sob softly in response.

Leon seemed a little overwhelmed. How should he behave now? Nobody has ever cried in front of them, especially not a woman. The purple-haired man looked around for help until he noticed that his hotel was not far from here. "You don't have to speak right now, but we should get dry first, don't you think so?" He smiled and you nodded slightly when you got up. Then, under the protection of his cape, you ran to the hotel. As he entered, Leon called the receptionist to bring fresh clothes and a towel to his room. And a hot tea. You two went to an elevator and drove to the floor where his room was.

Once there, Leon took the towel and rubbed your hair dry. Then there was a knock on the door and the room service had brought a sleeping gown that you could slip into for the time being. Leon gratefully accepted the  gown and handed it to you.

“I'm going to have a look after the tea. So you can change in peace. ", He smiled and patted your head lightly before he got up and left the room. You looked after him slightly. The tears finally stopped, but you still felt miserable. Although another emotion was budded in your heart. A warm, pleasant feeling.. You were glad that someone was looking after you at the moment .. and he was so thoughtful.

A few minutes passed before there was a knock on the door. "It's me," Leon called. "Can I come in?" He asked, not wanting to burst in while you were changing. You thanked him very much for his courteous manner.

"Y-yes. I've already finished dressing. ", You said a little broken. The door opened and Leon held a small tray with the tea on it. He saw you on the hotel bed. The towel around your shoulders and in the hotel's white night gown. He smiled a little, because you didn't seem so exhausted anymore. After placing the tray on the bedside table, he sat down next to you.

"How are you?" He asked.

"Terrible .." you replied quietly. "But better than before," you added after seeing Leon a little worried.

"Would you like to talk now about what happened?" He asked further, looking at you.

"... The woman who practically raised me ... and was like a mother to me ... died." You wiped away the new tears and sobbed softly. "She was such a wonderful person .. Why did she have to die so early .."

Leon was silent for a moment and then looked sadly at the floor. His hands clenched into a fist and he didn't even know how to react.

"Professor Carolina ..?" Leon didn't even had to guess, since he already knew a lot about your past. You nodded sadly and Leon's face grew sadder. "I'm really sorry about that .. My deepest condolences .." he said sadly.

"Thanks ..", you mumbled and hugged yourself, trying to find some warmth.

"If I can do anything for you .. Tell me.", He offered you and you looked next to you. You swallowed lightly and sighed.

"Can you .. just hug me ..?" You asked softly. Leon blinked slightly. Although you had met a few times, both of you hardly had any physical contact so far. Except for a short, half-hearted hug as a greeting. This time it was different.

"Of course," he replied immediately and put his arms around your trembling body to pull you close. You buried your face right in his jersey and wrapped your arms around his stomach.

"Thank you ..", you whispered softly and muffled when you felt how he caressed your back soothingly.

"Don't mention it." he said and hugged you to give you the greatest possible comfort. You and Leon lingered in that embrace in silence. Your sobs grew quieter and your breathing became calmer. At some point the purple-haired man noticed that your eyes were closed. You must have fallen asleep. Leon smiled a little and laid you on the bed properly before covering you and caressing your cheek. Then he looked at his smartphone, which was about to remind him of an appointment. He got up and wanted to go when he noticed how you grabbed his hand and prevented him from going. "[Y/n] ..?"

"Please don't go now .. I .. don't want to .. be .. alone ..", you stuttered with half-open eyes. Your [e/c] irises shone from all the weeping and Leon looked at you desperately. He thought about his appointment and sighed. Then he put his other hand on top of yours and smiled.

"Alright. I'll stay with you. ", He said and sat down on the bed again. You smiled gratefully and pressed his hand to your cheek.

"Thank you ...", you mumbled softly and then held up your other hand, asking that he lay down next to you. Leon smiled and lay down next to you to pull you into his arms and hug you. You both looked at each other for a while before closing your eyes and falling asleep.

On the next morning, Leon's voice woke you up. He didn't sounded angry, but a little louder than usual. And he seemed to be talking to someone. You opened your eyes and blinked when you saw Leon pacing up and down the room.

“I told you Oleana. I couldn't meet with President Rose on this appointment because there was an emergency. ... a private emergency. No, it didn't concern me personally, but ... ... Now please listen to me. ", Leon sighed and rubbed his face in annoyance. You just couldn't talk sensibly to this woman. “Of course, I am aware of the consequences if I fail to keep important appointments for no good reason. But the reason was important to me. And I don't care if you see it any other way. … Yes, then tell President Rose that we will postpone the appointment until next week. ”He hung up and sighed deeply again. "I wouldn't want to work with this woman .." he mumbled quietly and turned around. He saw that you were awake and looked at him in shock. "Oh..“

"You had an appointment with President Rose yesterday ...?" You asked and Leon averted his gaze guiltily. "Why did not you say anything..? I wouldn't have held you here if I had known that you had an important appointment .. ", You said ashamed and straightened up.

"You needed someone.", Was his only answer when he looked at you again. His words only made you more shocked.

"You had put my well-being over your appointments ..?", You asked incredulously and put your hand over your mouth. Leon smiled and walked towards you when he put his big hand over your head.

"Of course. I can always make up or postpone appointments. But you cannot control your feelings. That's why .. it was more important to me to be there for you than to give Rose another stupid interview about why I'm the unbeatable champion. ", He said with a charming smile.

You felt like you were about to start crying again. This time, however, not from grief. The warmth of this man simply took in every fiber of your body and you literally threw yourself into his arms after these words. Leon blinked in astonishment before putting his arms around you and hugging you again as you buried your nose in his neck.

"I-I'm sorry, only because of me...Because of me your schedule got messed up .. I'll make it up to you, I promise," You said quietly. Leon laughed softly before pulling away a little and caressing your cheek.

“If you want to make it up, then .. I know of a small, cozy ice cream parlor. That serves the BEST Alcremie sundae in Galar. How does that sound? ”He asked and winked. You smiled and your grief was almost forgotten for that moment.

"Sounds good."

Since that day the friendship of you had reached a new, more intimate level.

[something-tofightfor]

Tipping Point - 5

Pairing: Benjamin Greene x Julia Day … Benjamin Greene x Reader (friendship)

Word Count: 7463

Rating: M (language, marital issues)

Summary: Benjamin and Julia continue to navigate toward the end of their relationship, and Benjamin takes friendship with you to the next level... from thousands of miles away.

Author’s Note: So there’s a little more of the actual GD storyline in here, but I was able to keep it vague. I’m actually about half done with chapter 10 of this already... so I’m VERY far ahead of what I’m posting. Expect the remaining pieces of this to come a little more frequently moving forward... MAYBE with some good old Ryan Brenner or Logan smut thrown in to break it up. (I know that it’s a lot of angst but that’s what this story calls for SO FAR. That changes, I swear). Thank you for reading!!! 

There was a knock on his door, and Benjamin cleared his throat before answering. “Yeah?” He heard the sound of the knob turning and then a few seconds later, Eric poked his head into the room, one eyebrow raised. 

 “You alright, Greene?” Am I? Benjamin put his book down, sitting up on the mattress and crossing his legs. 

 “Better than last week.” He furrowed his brow. “Sorry you had to see that, I wasn’t… it wasn’t what I intended.�� Eric stepped fully into the room, taking a seat on the single bed that remained separate, head moving back and forth. 

 “Scared me, man.You walked in and just collapsed.” Benjamin sighed, agreeing. “Didn’t know why then, you know? But when you managed to get it out?” Eric shrugged. “Wish there was more I could have done for you, I -”

 “You did enough.” Benjamin ran a hand through his hair, taking his glasses off and dropping them onto the bed next to him. “It didn’t hit me, not really, not until I got back here and looked down, and… she didn’t even fight for me. I thought that talking about it would make her realize how serious this is, but she just...agreed.” Because she won’t look bad. She might love me, but not as much as she loves the idea of looking good in everyone’s eyes. “I appreciate what you did, Eric. Getting me off of the floor and onto the couch, and…” Benjamin met the other man’s eyes, hoping that Eric could see how thankful he was. “Just sitting with me. I haven’t been like that in a long time.” 

 Both were silent until Eric rubbed one hand over his face, letting out a breath and saying your name. “My sister, she used to… they weren’t panic attacks, but she used to get real quiet when she was a kid, and she’d cry. Wouldn’t talk to anyone, would just sit by herself when she was upset, and I got… used to being there for her.” Really? “I’m sure she still has her moments, but it’s been better since she was in high school, but you … you looked a lot like she did, Greene. Lost and upset, and I couldn’t just let you stay on the ground.” Benjamin thought for a few moments, and then Eric interjected again, tone lighter. “Plus you were dripping all over the floor.”  Benjamin felt himself laughing, eyes crinkling at the corners even though what Eric said wasn’t that funny. I needed that. Needed to laugh. “Anyway, I just wanted to let you know I’m going out, and I might … end up bringing someone back here.” 

 “Oh yeah?” Benjamin grinned. “Well don’t let me ruin that for you, I’ve got headphones and I know how to use them.” It was Eric’s turn to laugh, the man standing up and heading back toward the door. He paused with one hand on the knob, turning the top half of his body back toward Benjamin. 

 “I know I don’t know you that well, Benjamin, but what I do know? You’re a good guy. It sucks that you’re that upset, and that it sounds like your wife won’t work with you on this.” You have no idea. “Don’t give in.” Benjamin’s eyes widened and then narrowed, head cocked to the side. What? “It’s not my place to say anything, but… this shit can’t be one-sided. If you give in on this, go back and try to work it out on your own?” Eric rolled his eyes and held one hand up in front of him, slashing through the air with it. “I watched my parents fight all the time, Benjamin. Back and forth, one giving in to the other. It never works out, and everyone just ends up worse than they started.” This isn’t like that, we wouldn’t… Julia wouldn’t… But even as Benjamin nodded in thanks, he realized that Eric’s assessment of the situation was spot on. 

 He’d spent much of his relationship with Julia appeasing her, and throughout, the only thing that he hadn’t been willing to compromise on was his academic career. And look at me now. He glanced over at the nightstand, where his Master’s certificate was sitting, newly framed. He’d gone to the graduation ceremony - telling Julia when it was being held in case she wanted to show up to support him, but after the ceremony, when he reached out to ask where she was, he’d received a single line of text in reply. Couldn’t make it, but congratulations, Benjamin. That had almost hurt worse than the words they’d said to each other in the hotel room, but to Benjamin, it was just another thing in the long list of disappointments he’d experienced. 

 Eric had left him alone for much of the week following his return from meeting with his wife, and Benjamin had the suspicion that if he’d told the man - or his friends - when his graduation was, they would have shown up to celebrate him. But it wasn’t them I wanted there, it was her. Despite them agreeing to tentatively move forward with an annulment, Benjamin’s mindset was still that he loved Julia, and wanted to include her in the important parts of his life. But she doesn’t want that. She only wants what she can control. He rubbed his hands over his eyes, sighing deeply. And that’s not me. 

 After calming himself down and getting changed, Benjamin had thought carefully about the conversation they’d had. While he understood that he’d shocked her with his announcement that he’d willingly take all of the blame for the relationship ending, he was concerned with her lack of response. He’d expected the meeting to end with Julia in tears, yelling at him, and when it hadn’t, he’d been stunned. He knew his wife well enough to understand that the calm demeanor was likely hiding much stronger emotions. I’ll hear about it soon enough. Sending over the short list of legal options he’d come across the following morning, Benjamin hadn’t expected to hear back from her as quickly as he had, but Julia’s response had been brief; telling him she would look into it. 

 Will you, though? He climbed out of his bed, heading to his computer and turning it on. How long do I wait for you to reach back out? He waited daily for her to message him back with a choice, but after a week had passed, he still hadn’t heard anything. I’ll reach out tomorrow. The longer this goes on, the more… the worse it is. A small part of him still hoped that actually looking into the information would make Julia realize she wanted to save the marriage, but that bit of him grew smaller each day. He questioned his own motivations, wondering if it was selfish of him to expect her to give in and seek help when he was unwilling to compromise and work on it without outside help, but the more he considered it, he realized  that he’d already been doing that. 

 They’d had conversations about his unhappiness, about the things that he - and they - felt that they should work on, and nothing had changed. Sure, things had improved for a day or two here, a weekend there, but they always slid backward, Benjamin feeling pushed to the side and Julia feeling as if he was treating her differently. It’s the only solution. It’s the only thing that would help. He firmly believed that - and if she didn’t, there was nothing that he could do to change her mind. Doesn’t matter how much I want it.  

 He’d started removing his wedding ring for short periods; an hour at home, a full day, while at work… and each time he took it off, it was more difficult to put it back on. He’d felt many things in the small metal band, but the comfort and security it had given him at first was nonexistent, and the more he wore it, the heavier it became. But I can’t take it off for good, not yet. Even the inscription on the inside - for my love - seemed to burn white hot against the skin of his finger on the worst days. 

 Benjamin wasn’t one to give up on anything, which had played a part in how steadfast he’d been in his belief that Kieran had made something for himself in the years that Benjamin had spent apart from him. But this isn’t giving up. This is… admitting the truth. He’d always love Julia; some small part of him would always care for the woman, but as each day passed, he realized that it wasn’t enough. Not enough to endure this. Not enough to… force it. He shut his computer down, deciding to go and enjoy the emptiness of the flat at least long enough to watch a movie while stretched out on the couch. 

 Twenty five minutes later, Benjamin was dozing off, the cool air from the cracked door flowing through the room when he was startled into a sitting position by the sound of an incoming Skype call. What? Blinking rapidly, he stood and looked around the room, his eyes landing on Eric’s laptop, which was open on the table. I didn’t even see that. Taking a breath, Benjamin sat back down, rubbing at his eyes as the sound stopped. Must’ve left it unlocked. He blinked again as he realized what that fact meant: that Eric trusted him with his personal life and the information contained on his computer. But he doesn’t know anything about me, I could… Benjamin lowered his head. Why wouldn’t he trust me? 

 The sound went off again, and this time Benjamin stood, intending to simply close the laptop, disconnecting the device from the Internet and letting whoever was calling know that Eric wasn’t available. But when he reached the computer, he saw your picture on the screen and paused. Oh. The call ended, Benjamin with one hand at the top of the screen, a frown on his face. She’s called twice, I wonder if it’s important. Beginning to lower the lid, Benjamin stopped as another call came through. I’ll answer and tell her that Eric’s out, that she should just text him. 

 Leaning in, he pressed the button to answer the call, taking a deep breath. “Eric? You asshole, why aren’t yo- oh. Benjamin? Why are you answering on Eric’s laptop?” You were seated at a different table, and Benjamin bit back a smile at the annoyed tone of your voice. “Is he not…”

 “He’s out on a date.” Still leaning in, Benjamin gritted his teeth, wrinkling his nose. “Left his laptop open on the table.” You swore under your breath, closing your eyes. “I was watching a movie and your call actually woke me up.” You eyed him carefully, waiting. “I was just going to close the screen, but you’ve called a few times, and I wanted to make sure everything was alright.” He watched shock cross your features, but you quickly recovered. 

 “Yeah, I’m… I’m fine, I just…” You looked away and then back at the screen. “Just needed to ask him something, and he wasn’t answering his phone, so I thought I’d try to call.” She’s lying. He watched as you carefully chose  your words, but you couldn’t hide the tightness of your jaw,  or the way the fingers of one hand drummed atop the table. 

 “Do you need me to call him? Maybe if I reach out, since he just saw me…” You shook your head, waving your hand. 

 “Not a big deal, it can wait.” Can it? Three Skype calls and at least one phone call doesn’t seem like it’s not a big deal. “How’s it going Benjamin?” You changed the subject, clearing your throat and tilting your head to the side. “I don’t want to pry, but… the last time Eric mentioned you, you weren’t…”

 “That’s a long story.” He sighed. “And not one that I feel comfortable having over your brother’s Skype account.” He felt himself smiling, tongue darting out to wet his lips. “I appreciate you asking, though.” He glanced down, looking at the clock. “It’s what, nearly half three there?” It took you a second, but you told him he was right. 

 ‘You know the time difference between London and Chicago, Benjamin?” There was curiosity in your tone, but it wasn’t an accusation. “Why?” He thought for a moment and then decided to go with the truth. 

 “I looked it up when Eric was home for Christmas. He added me on Facebook, and whenever I’d see his updates, they were at strange times.” Benjamin paused. “Sorry if it’s odd, I -”

 “No.” You shook your head. “Not strange. That makes sense. You don’t have many American friends do you?” I don’t. “He told me he added you.” You shifted in your chair. “A day or so after that party.” You went quiet, and he watched you, eyes on your posture, which was more relaxed than it had been, the look in your eyes less wild. “I would have added you too, Benjamin, but…” You trailed off. I figured. “Look, I’ll let you get back to your movie, but if you’re still awake when Eric gets home, can you… can you tell him to call me? It doesn’t matter how late.” He was startled at the rapid change in your demeanor, but Benjamin agreed. “Thank you.” 

 “You know…” He spoke quickly, not taking the time to second guess his words. “I …” He glanced down, eyes landing on the bare skin of his left ring finger. I’m not doing anything wrong. “If you need someone to talk to, I’m here.” He gestured at the empty flat. “I’ve got no plans, and I can give you my account, you can Skype with me.” Did I overstep? Benjamin watched your reaction, surprised to see that there wasn’t much of one, though your eyes widened slightly.  “I’m not your brother, but I’ve been told that I -”

 “I don’t want to intrude, Benjamin.” You chewed on your lower lip. “You’re still married, and I don’t want anyone to think…” He laughed at that, his hand combing through his hair. “Looks like we both have some things to talk about.” 

 --- 

 Fifteen minutes later, Benjamin was back in his room, sitting at the small table that doubled as his desk and waiting for your call. He’d given you his email address and then hung up, closing Eric’s computer before he straightened, popping his back. That was a surprise. Even though it had been a short conversation, he’d enjoyed talking to you - but the fact that he’d been quick to offer a listening ear had come as a shock to him. As he waited for you, he thought about what Julia would think, and guilt crept in. She’d be jealous. Suspicious. She wouldn’t care that it’s only because I could tell she needs to talk about something. He stared at the screen, eyes on his profile picture. Is that it? 

 Benjamin’s first conversation with you in the very bedroom he now lived in had been a welcome change of pace from his previous interactions with women - Bianca excluded. You were interested, polite, and you let him speak without cutting him off. She listened to me. She was curious. He’d never intended to form any sort of friendship with you; how could he, when you were thousands of miles away for the majority of the time? That trip had been your first to London, even though Eric had already been in the country for eight months - and there were no more plans for you to come back. Julia wouldn’t have cared, she would have seen it as a breach of trust. 

 Benjamin scrubbed at his face, debating over whether or not to put his glasses on in order to take the call when the screen changed, an incoming call alert pinging. Doesn’t matter now. He answered after only a few seconds, taking another deep breath. “Hi.” You’d moved too, back into the room that he’d first seen you in onscreen, and you’d thrown your hair back, securing it loosely. She changed her shirt. “Comfortable?” 

 “I should be asking you that, Benjamin.” You paused. “I slept on all three of those beds when I was there, trying to find the most comfortable one, and -”

 “It’s definitely not the one closest to the closet.” He rolled his eyes. “I actually pushed the other two together to give me more space, and it’s worked out so far.” You put your face in your hands, laughing and telling him that you hadn’t thought of that. “Well you were only here for a week, I’ve been here for a few months, so I had to do something.” Peeking back up at him, you agreed, taking a deep breath. 

 “How are you adjusting to being back in London full time?” He scratched the side of his head. Guess I’m going first. 

 “It’s been easier than I thought, actually.” He spoke about what he’d been up to, telling you about his job and Zac and Bianca’s engagement, about the other new friends he’d made through work. “I miss Devon, but it’s been… it hasn’t been bad here.” 

 “What about Julia?” The curiosity was back. “You’ve seen her a few times since you’ve been in London, has she… has anything changed?” A lot. Benjamin weighed his options. How much do I tell her? How much does she want to hear? 

 “We met last week - the night you were talking to Eric when I came home?” You nodded, eyes focused on Benjamin’s face. “We… well, I…” He swallowed. “She’s still refusing to see someone, and I refused to just go back to the way things were.” You frowned, telling him that you were sorry. “I am, too. I really thought we’d…” He shook his head. “Doesn’t matter now. She used the word divorce for the first time, and I… I gave her another option, one where she could save face and it would look like I…”

 “Is that what’s best, Benjamin?” Your chin was propped up on your knuckles. “For you, I mean?” Does it matter? He didn’t answer right away and you continued. “It’s none of my business, but I… from what you said that first night we met, this is what you’ve done for the past few years.” You rubbed at the back of your neck. “You shouldn’t have to -”

 “It’s what’s best, yeah. I think so anyway.” His heartbeat quickened. “Julia’s… she’s stubborn, but when I told her what I was thinking, it caught her off guard.” Very off guard. “I think she’s still expecting me to change my mind, but I won’t compromise on this, because it’s important to me.” You replied softly, the word “good” barely audible. “I haven’t spoken to her in a while, but I’ll need to reach out, because I can’t… can’t leave this to her.” The words spilled out, Benjamin grateful that someone was taking the time to listen to him. I told her some of this already, I shouldn’t rehash it, she doesn’t… “If it’s just going to end, I don’t want to draw it out.” He glanced up at the ceiling, trying to steady himself. “That’s not good for either of us.”

 “No.” You scoffed, closing your eyes and going silent. “It’s not.” He watched you for a few seconds and then said your name, waiting until you opened your eyes again to speak. 

 “Your turn.” You forced a smile. “What was so important that you called your brother so many times on a Friday night?” Keep it friendly. Don’t make it serious. He didn’t know what was wrong, but didn’t want you to feel like you were on the spot. 

 “Benjamin… would you ever …. Date a friend of your brother’s?” You knew about Kieran in vague terms, and Benjamin didn’t want to give anything else away. Keeping a straight face he thought it over. 

 “Well, that depends.” He leaned back in his chair, keeping his eyes on your face. “Are they a new friend, or someone he’s known for a while?” 

 “Known a while. A really good friend that you know, too.” Well I certainly wouldn’t date any of Kieran’s friends. “A good guy. Smart, has a good job.” You were frowning as you spoke.

 “It doesn’t seem like you…” He tapped his fingers against his lips. “I’m going to skip the rubbish, if you don’t mind.” You inhaled sharply, waiting. “Tell me why you don’t seem to think that it’s a good idea.” 

 “Oh, I…” You straightened your shoulders. “It’s not that I don’t think that it’s a good idea, I just… I never considered it before, you know?” You glanced off to the side. “So one of Eric’s friends just asked…” You explained your situation to him, and Benjamin listened without interrupting. One of Eric’s childhood best friends had seen you leaving work the previous day, and the two of you had spoken at length in a parking lot before exchanging numbers, since you’d lost touch over the years. He’d called earlier that day, asking if you wanted to go out on a date with him. “He said he’d wanted to ask for a while, but always felt strange about it since we basically grew up together.” You shrugged. “I said yes, but I’m thinking I shouldn’t have.”

 “Why?” It was his turn to be curious. “Are you single?” You nodded. “Are you attracted to him?” You didn’t nod. 

 “I’ve never thought about him that way before.” You pressed your lips together. “He’s smart, like I said, and he’s … not into drugs or anything like that. And he’s not bad looking, but he’s Eric’s friend, you know? I just…” Benjamin waited. “It’s just weird to think about, Benjamin. He’s seen me in my awkward teenage years, before I knew how to dress or do my makeup, or …” He was listening, but Benjamin found himself wondering what you’d been like as a teenager, what you and Eric had gotten into as kids. Stop. “I don’t want to screw anything up - between him and Eric, I mean.” You covered your face with your hands. “Like what if we end up dating, and then Eric has to think about me with his -”

 “He’s an adult.” Benjamin blinked quickly. “Just like you are. Were you calling to ask… ask Eric if he’d mind if you went out with his friend?” You peeked through your fingers, telling Benjamin he was correct. “If I were you?” You lowered your hands. “And take this with a grain of salt, because you’ve seen how my latest relationship played out… but I’d go out with him. See if you’re… compatible, and then go from there.”

 “You would?” Benjamin repeated himself. “But what if -”

 “It’s easier to do it and then say something than tell him and then worry about what he’s thinking.” He winked at you. “Though you’ve tried to call him a few times, and he’ll wonder what it was about, so you might have to tell him what’s going on.” Swearing loudly, you started laughing, hanging your head and Benjamin followed suit, feeling lighter than he had in a week. “Really, though, if he’s what you say he is, there’s no harm in going out with him, at least once.” Benjamin heard the sound of you sighing. Did she want me to tell her not to do it? “You’ll know quickly if you’re into him.” Benjamin said your name again, this time more gently. “And he’s obviously into you… what’s one date going to hurt?” 

 ---

 Benjamin kept in contact with you throughout the next week, a few messages sent back and forth. You’d decided to go out with Noah, and you’d told Eric that that was the plan. He’s alright with it, so that’s a surprise. Benjamin laughed as he replied back with a thumbs up, tucking his phone back into his pocket. Good. I hope it goes well. 

 He’d also spoken to Julia - both on the phone and over messages - the woman coldly telling him that she still hadn’t made a decision about which firm to go with on a Tuesday, and then reaching out again on Friday to let him know that she’d narrowed it down, and it was up to Benjamin to choose between the final two. He’d done so quickly, but held off on sending his response back until the following morning, not wanting it to seem as if he’d rushed it. But this isn’t rushing. It’s been weeks. Months. He felt the device vibrating against his leg and Benjamin reached for it, seeing Julia’s image on the screen. Here we go. 

 “Benjamin?” Her tone was clipped. “They can see us next week to get things started.” They can? “We’ll need to go in and meet with them and see how we move forward.” She’s … taking this seriously. “That means from now until Wednesday is all the time you’ll have.” To what? “This is your last chance. Come home, and deal with this like a m-”

 “Like a man, Julia? Is that what you’re going to say?” He felt himself getting angry. “I’d think that me being willing to take all the blame for this even though my reason is something you’ve known for years is man enough.” His breath was coming quickly, one knee bouncing. “I’ve tried to deal with this. I’ve tried to make you understand, but this is what it’s come to.” He looked down, finger once again bare. As it will be. “Giving you the option to find yourself some happiness wherever you can instead of being weighted down by me is me being a man isn’t it?” She was quiet on the other end of the line. “I tried to do this the right way, Julia. Being honest and open and trying to work with you, but you still don’t get it.” 

 “Oh I get it, Benjamin.” She forced a laugh out. “I understand completely.” Do you? “I’ll see you Wednesday. Half past twelve, don’t be late.” She hung up before he could say another word, and Benjamin stared at his phone’s screen for long moments, trying to process things. This is happening. It’s… only a few days, and everything starts. He tightened his hold on the device, ready to put it away when another message from you came through. Got plans tomorrow, Benjamin? I’m going to tell you all about this date you suggested I go on after it’s over. 

 He swallowed. I definitely shouldn’t be giving relationship advice. But he unlocked his phone, hesitating before he typed. None of the gritty details, please. 

 --- 

 You Skyped him late Sunday afternoon, and Benjamin realized with a start that it was before noon for you. She just woke up. He looked you over, noticing the t-shirt that you’d likely slept in, along with your lack of makeup. She’s comfortable with me seeing her like this. His lips twitched. Interesting. “Well, how’d it go?” He raised an eyebrow. “You’re in your room, and it looks like you’re alone, so-”

 “You said you didn’t want the details, Benjamin Greene.” Your mouth dropped open in mock surprise. “I’m kidding. We went to dinner and then saw a movie. It was a … a basic date.” You licked your lips. “It wasn’t bad.” That doesn’t sound promising. “I think it was a little weird for both of us, just because of Eric, but…” You rubbed your eyes. “I was home around eleven, and he didn’t even ask to come in or anything.” A gentleman. 

 “I’m not sure what I should say here.” He watched you shifting on the chair you sat in, drawing a knee up, your foot resting on the edge of the chair. Bare legs? Hmm. “Are you -”

 “I said we should go out again, this time when it’s still daylight, so we can do something that’s outside, not just a restaurant and a movie theater.” Smart. “It’s weird, though, he didn’t even try to kiss me, just hugged me goodnight and left.” What? That’s… 

 “That’s odd.” He spoke without thinking. “I would hav-” Benjamin cut himself off. I would have what? He saw the confusion on your face. “If I’d gone out with someone and had a good date,” he recovered, trying to keep his expression even. “I would have kissed them at the end of the night.” He held up a hand as you opened your mouth. “But. He might just be taking it slow because there is a history between you, and he doesn’t want to make it awkward.” You agreed with him, and Benjamin felt himself relaxing. But what was I tense about? He decided he’d consider that later, refocusing his attention on on you.

 “Why are first kisses so awkward, Benjamin?” You were playing with your hair. “It’s been so long since I’ve had to be nervous about something like that, and it’s not like Noah’s a total stranger, but I was still… nervous thinking it would happen, which is weird.” He thought back to his first kiss with Julia - the surprise that had been written on her face when he pulled away. It surprised me, too. 

 “You were thinking of it, so that must mean it’s something that you wanted.” He leaned in, staring at you through the screen. “That’s a good sign, right?” 

 “Yeah, I guess so.” You talked for a few more minutes, and just after you’d told him you were going to go and make something for breakfast, Benjamin interjected. 

 “Julia and I are seeing lawyers on Wednesday. We’re stating the…” He swallowed, trying to work up the courage to use the words. “The annulment process.” 

 “An annulment? Don’t you have to meet certain requirements for that? Not consummating the marriage or someone lying about something or being forced to…” Yes. He nodded slowly. “Well she would have been crazy not to sleep with you for two years, so I know that’s not it.” You spoke quickly, and Benjamin heard your words but didn’t focus on them, instead trying to calm his own heartbeat. You just basically told her there’s a secret. “If… if you ever want to get it off your chest, Benjamin, I’m… I’ll listen.” You smiled at him, but it wasn’t one of pity, nor was it one that gave him any indication that you were insincere. “I mean it. But I’m starving, so Im going to go eat. Have a good … afternoon?” He grinned. I’ll try. 

 Throughout the rest of that night and the following day, Benjamin mulled over your words. Crazy not to sleep with me? What does that mean? When he wasn’t thinking about that, he worried about his appointment with Julia and the lawyers, trying to prepare himself for whatever was to come. 

 He took a half day Wednesday, heading home at 11 to change and then catching a taxi to the office, arriving a few minutes early. He checked with the receptionist, but Julia wasn’t there yet, and so he sat down to wait, pulling his phone out to silence it when a message popped up on the screen. I set my alarm for 6:15 am for this, Benjamin. Good luck today. 

 He stared at the words for long moments, but before he could reply and thank you, he heard Julia’s voice saying his name. Here we go. “Afternoon, Julia.” He stood, walking over to her. “They’re not ready for us, but now that you’re here, we can -”

 “Let’s get this over with, Benjamin.” She met his eyes, and he saw a look in them that he hadn’t seen since their wedding day, as they came face to face on the beach at the base of the cliffs. She hates me. I’m doing this for her and she hates me. “The sooner we start, the better, right?” 

 An hour and a half later, Benjamin and Julia stepped out of the office, and he was more overwhelmed then he’d ever been in his entire life. After quickly explaining their situation to the legal team, Benjamin and Julia had taken turns telling their respective sides of the story - Julia reiterating that she’d known something was amiss before their marriage, but that Benjamin had been convincing, telling her that there was nothing to worry about, that he’d been truthful. She sounds like she believes it. Is this what… is this going to become truth? 

 He’d replied by telling everyone in the room that almost no one knew what the truth was, that since he’d been a child when he’d confessed, it had been stricken from his official record, and since he’d changed his name, it was difficult to connect him to Sean White and Kieran. “I didn’t do it out of spite,” he explained, turning in his chair to face Julia, ignoring the lawyers. “It was never out of spite, not for a second.” She met his gaze, but her eyes were cold. “I wanted to see someone, to talk through all of this, to explain fully, but … but Julia won’t, and so… so here we are.” 

 “Well, Ms. Day, the fact that you never took Mr. Greene’s last name strengthens the case.” The female lawyer that sat across the table from them was scribbling on a pad of paper, shoulders set. “This typically takes months to finalize, but if you’re both in agreement, and the decree will be uncontested -”

 “It will be.” Her voice sharp, Julia spoke again. “I’m tired. I’m tired of trying to make him understand how much this has all hurt me. How much it’s damaged my relationship with my children… how much it’s changed me.” He could hear the hurt in her voice, and Benjamin felt his heart twisting in his chest. This hurts me too. 

 “I’ve got nothing to contest. I just want what’s best for her.” Benjamin reached out to take Julia’s hand, but she pulled it away quickly, tucking it onto her lap. “It’s been… we’ve tried to come to a different agreement, but there’s… there’s nothing else we can do.” There really isn’t. This is it. 

 They both paused outside of the building, people bustling by them on the sidewalk. The air was warm - early April had been unseasonably nice - and Benjamin watched as a slight breeze ruffled Julia’s hair. The woman stared at him, and though her eyes had softened, she was still looking at him with contempt. “I hope you’re happy, Benjamin.” She spat the words out. “That was humiliating, me having to tell them that I was a fool for three years, the entire time I knew -”

 “Yeah? How about how humiliating it was for me to pretend that I married you and deceived you for two years? About having to tell these people that you couldn’t even find it in your heart to take my last name because you didn’t trust me, even though that wasn’t it?” He paused. Or was it? Was that it the whole time? That you didn’t want the stain of my name legally tied to ... “I’m going to have to tell that story again and again in front of countless people, and you get to sit back and play th-” He cut himself off. Too far. ‘And pretend that it’s the truth.” But the damage was done and she lifted her hand as if she was going to slap him. Benjamin held his ground, staring her in the eye. Do it. If it makes you feel better, do it. 

 “You know, Benjamin…” She laughed, raising one hand to run her fingers through her hair, pulling it away from her face. “I thought, up until I walked into that office this afternoon, that you wouldn’t go through with this.” She shook her head. “Alexia was right - I shouldn’t have even tried so hard to save this. Is it really that bad being married to me? That bad that you won’t come home? That you won’t try?” She lowered her hand, sliding it into her pocket. “I gave you everything, Benjamin. A house, a car, money, anything you wanted.” He felt tears welling up in his eyes. This is you trying hard?

 “None of it mattered if you didn’t love me, Julia. And you didn’t trust me, not fully. Not… not ever. And without that?” He wiped at his eyes. “It’s all worthless.” She stared at him for a few seconds and then turned away, heading down the sidewalk and away from him. I need a drink. 

--- 

 Benjamin checked his email and the mail slot nearly constantly for the next few weeks, waiting for correspondence from the legal team. They’d filled out relevant paperwork the first appointment, but he knew there was more to come. When he received anything, he was quick to open it and read through it, filling things out and returning them without delay. He always texted Julia to keep her updated, and hoped that she was doing the same, not waiting until the last minute to return documents. The sooner we do this, the sooner we can be done with it. It upset him - the fact that he was essentially counting down the days until his marriage was erased from the records - but he knew that it was what was best. There’s no coming back from this. 

 Julia changed her Facebook status but didn’t defriend him, and while it hurt him to see her answering questions publicly, he read them every now and then, wanting to see what she was saying so that he could be prepared. What surprised him the most was that she didn’t elaborate on what he’d lied to her about, aside from saying that he’d kept parts of his past from her, that she couldn’t forgive him for keeping who he truly was and where he was from a secret.

 Roughly three weeks after they’d signed the initial petition, Benjamin got a text from Leo, and though it was short, it was encouraging. I know it’s hard, mate, but you know the truth. You always will. And so will she, even if she doesn’t admit it. He replied back, thanking Leo, and even though Benjamin didn’t want to admit it, there was a small sense of satisfaction in knowing that no matter how hard she pretended otherwise, Julia would always have to live with the fact that though she treated him terribly, Benjamin had taken the fall for her shortcomings. Leo’s answering text had actually made him laugh - When this is all over, let’s meet for a pint, you can tell me what really happened  - and Benjamin sent back one word - definitely - a small smile on his face. 

 He kept Eric updated on the most important details of what was happening, letting him know to listen for parcel deliveries on the days that he was home, since some of the documents were brought by a courier. He’d also routinely talk about it with Zac and Bianca, but the person he spoke to the most about his situation was you. Sometimes, you’d talk over Skype, other times you’d use your phones and FaceTime. Benjamin was surprised with how patient you were, listening to his complaints and his questions, answering them to the best of your ability. She doesn’t even know me, and she’s trying harder than Julia did. 

 He enjoyed talking with you - the conversations often serving as the best parts of his day, and he told you time and time again that he was thankful you’d spoken to him on the balcony, opening up the potential to make a new friend in a time when he wouldn’t have thought twice about talking to another woman. “I didn’t want anything from you, Benjamin.” You laughed, the sound quiet in his ear. “You just looked like you needed someone to talk to.” Does she mean that? “I mean it.” Both of you were quiet on the line, and then you spoke again. “I’ve got to go, though, I’m meeting Noah and his brother, we’re going to a baseball game, even though it’s still freezing outside.” 

 “Baseball’s always fascinated me.” He stared up at his ceiling. “Hopefully if I ever get over to the States, I’ll be able to catch a game or two.” You laughed again. “What?”

 “You made a baseball pun, and you probably don’t even realize it.” He closed his eyes. I didn’t. “But I’m already late, I’ve really got to go. Get some sleep, alright? I know it’s late over there.” It was - it was nearly midnight, and he had work the following morning. “Sorry to keep you up.” Don’t apologize, I’m the one that answered. You hung up soon after that, and thought he fell asleep quickly, Benjamin found himself opening your Facebook page when he woke up, clicking through the images you’d uploaded overnight.

 He’d added you a couple weeks after your first Skype conversation, not caring what Julia thought, since you were just his roommate’s sister, and it was clear that you were seeing someone. Would it matter if she wasn’t? Benjamin swiped through pictures until he got to one of you and Noah from the night before, the two of you sitting in hard plastic seats, a plain baseball cap atop your head, and the man’s arm around your shoulders. She looks happy. You did - you had a wide smile in all of the pictures that you posted both with and without Noah in them, but he noticed that you weren’t leaning into the man next to you; there was a space between you. Maybe it’s the seats. 

 But he kept swiping, and the others of you and the man - taller than you and with medium brown hair and green eyes - were the same, even from other days. She’s smiling, but… He didn’t want to read into anything, and knew that pictures weren’t always the best indication of the truth, but Benjamin knew faking happiness better than most. But she’s never said anything to make me think… Double tapping on one of the pictures of the two of you,  Benjamin glanced once more at the expression on your face and then closed out of the app, setting his phone down. Let it go. Go to work. 

 By the end of May, Benjamin had filled out just about every form he could think of that had to do with ending his marriage, and there was still no date set for court, where he and Julia would have to speak in front of a judge. He’d spent hours looking into the process, and could pinpoint the exact place on the timeline where it felt as if they were stuck. This can’t move forward without that court date. I’m not sure what we’re waiting for. He was frustrated, but even the man hired to represent him couldn’t give him any additional information, and Julia had taken to ignoring his calls, though she had no issue talking about him with her friends online. Thought she wanted to keep this private. Based on comments, he was simply another person in Julia’s life that had wronged her. Even though that’s not at all what happened.

 The first week of June, Benjamin got a phone call in the middle of work, answering it on the second ring. “Benjamin.” The voice that he’d grown to love sounded cold and distant in his ear, and he grimaced, pushing his glasses atop his head. 

 “I’m at work, Julia, what’s going on?” There was silence on the other end of the line, and then she spoke. 

 “I just got word from the law office. We … we don’t have to go to court. The judge accepted the petition, and all we’ll have to do is meet to sign the final decree.” He felt his eyes widen, and Benjamin sat up straight. “They can fit us in tomorrow or Monday, either day is…” She trailed off, and he heard the slightest bit of warmth creeping back into her tone. “We can still call this off. We don’t have to sign.” He considered her words briefly, and then thought of the things he’d read on her page, the way she’d spoken about him to her friends and family, everyone but Leo seeming to take her side. There’s no coming back from this. They all know… they all think I lied. It would be horrible. 

 “We can’t do that, Julia. Not anymore. Too much… too much has been said. Too much has been talked about with people that shouldn’t have been involved in this.” You’d talk to your friends about me, telling lies, but you didn’t want to get help.  He swallowed, closing his eyes. “I can meet tomorrow. Any time.” I need to be done with this. 

---

If you want to be added or removed (I can start a Benjamin tag list too) … please let me know.

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Tipping Point: 

@fairywriter-oracle

[typeusernamehere]

Ekspresi

Greetings earthlings, how is everybody doing? How’s life?

Good? Great? Awful? Tired? More than that?

It’s not something everyone can answer quickly right, let alone honestly. There’s so much stuffs going on that we sometimes get them mixed up with something else. Emotions that are shown may not be the thing we were looking for, as they differ from time to time. Better yet, we may be giving the wrong statements, but for the right reasons.

I’ve been quite busy lately (mostly procrastinating, as per usual), but as learning is a part of our daily routine, I came across a question that kept me awake.

Why do we express things differently from what we want them to be?

Let start from the beginning shall we. Growing up, we’ve be taught and told that certain reactions corresponded to the exact certain expressions. Tears, would be defined as something sad, or depressed. Laughter, would be a translation to something happy, or funny. It’s simple, an actual child’s play. Considering we were kids, then it should be.

Though as we grew older, we realized (at least I did) that a single reaction wasn’t bind to a singular expression. Crying wouldn’t be towards something sad or hurtful no more, I’d cry my ass off thinking about something funny. How about the tickles in my funny bones? Well, I’d laugh while experiencing a tiny fraction of pain. This might not be the same as everybody else, but by now, I do think we’ve notice that changes on how we react on the things around us. Don’t worry, this is just the surface of it.

Talking about our responses in life, we’ll eventually encounter other human beings other than ourselves, ranging from the closest to our hearts and the least expected. This social encounter gives us the opportunity to create a conversation, thus leading to other sort of emotions, expressions and reactions. Take a note on when we were kids, we would get scolded for the wrong things we did. Our teachers would get angry at us for giving the wrong answer and our parents would never stop shouting until we dramatically walked away from our beds. For adult, it’ll get worse. Work would get us killed for the simplest mistakes. Society would ban us for not doing a thing. Love ones would be forgotten out of a tiny misunderstanding.

You can really see the difference between what we experienced as a kid and when all the world’s problems started crawling in. As our age increased, so did our choices. But here’s the thing, apart from the anger and frustration, we would never really know what it all mean. Our teacher might be scolding us to sharpen our knowledge and our parents would rapidly knock on our door to discipline our manners. Now think, what would you feel if they were doing it for other (wrong) reasons? Would your reactions change? Would you confront them now?

If you’re okay with it, then that’s good. Really, that is really good. So many of us had missed the opportunity to appreciate the goodness in others. If you’re starting to wonder, on how big the mysteries of life would be, then welcome to my world.

Everything that people do (and did), we would never know the reasons behind it until they confess it themselves. Even that, we may be shifted away from the truth itself. This doesn’t end here though, let’s not forget about our own self. There will always be countless times to where we acted differently from we want it to be. We would tease others in hopes of laughter but came out sounding a bit too rude. We would boast things about us to share ideas and views but sadly, we left the important parts out, leaving us swimming in pride. We would raise our voices to show people we really do care, but instead we only showed how obsessive we are.

Honesty, is something that is really hard (yet easy) for us to do. Although we usually have troubles finding the right way to say things, a single thought that the person on the other line can understand every single word that comes out of our  mouth would ruin the whole plan. We are accustomed to think that people would know us, have to know us. Being friends, or even an acquaintance with us, would give them the benefits of knowing us deeply. While in fact, for even a person to notice your favorite color would take an amount of storage in their mind that they could use it for something else. If you’re arguing why would they remember your favorite color, I’d say that’s how our minds work. We tend to forget things, and calling back on other things (vice versa). True, we can manage it, take control of it, and remap the networks in our brain, but naturally, that’s how we think.

Now take this moment to notice how our lives have been in the past, the moments we created, the conversations we stayed up talking, the fights we stumbled upon. If there’s anything you regretted saying, talk to them. If there’s anything you kept questioning, ask them. If you think there’s time to wait, then wait. If you think there’s space to keep, then be silence, until the time comes to say it.

I do believe that honesty is highly related to saying how we really feel.

But I also believe that our acts help to shapen our words.

Again, there’s no actual way of doing things, other than to be on your best behavior. We can’t escape the hardship of life itself, but that’s one more reason to make things right. A few short (or long) breaks is needed in between, nevertheless.

Honestly, I’d puke hearing myself saying all these things when I was a kid. Guess it’s up to you guys to believe it or not.

What am I feeling right now?

Everything, simply everything.

Jiji Yusof

[the-unspoken-rules-ff]

Chapter 9

Jungkook's P.O.V

She squeezed me tightly for over three minutes, refusing to let me go. I smiled, knowing she really had missed me, or at least hoping she wasn't putting on a show again. Nayeon was sweet when she wanted to, but she was an overall pain in the ass. I loved her though, more than I could express in words, after all she had helped me though a lot of bad times of my life. She liked to tell people we were together once, even though between us there was never nothing more than a fuck buddies relationship. But I would have been stupid to think that I was the only one she was sleeping with at the time, even though she was only seventeen then. 

She turned her head towards my neck and pressed her lips under my ear. 

"Did you miss me?" She whispered. "Don't even answer, I know you did. I can tell." She said and chuckled. She took a step back and looked at me with her unchanged huge smile that was always spread across her face. "So, what are we doing today?" She asked skipping back to her bed and climbing on top, motioning for me to come and sit next to her. I shook my head slowly. 

"We're not doing anything. I'm gonna go rest. Come to Jimin's room after dinner though, I'll tell you the full story of why I'm here. And I'll make sure Jimin's out." Her smile faded away and she pouted. 

"But I've missed you! I haven't seen you in so long. Can't we hang out?" She said, disappointed beyond imagination.

"No, Nay, not today. I'm tired. I'll nap and we'll hang out tonight." She rolled her eyes and let herself fall on her bed. 

"Whatever." 

"Oh, come on, don't get mad at me. Nay?" She moved and covered herself completely with her blanket until I couldn't even see her head. I sighed and took off my jacket, climbing in bed next to her. I moved her hair from the side of her face and placed my head in between her shoulder and her neck. "You know I hate it when you get like this." I whispered and placed a kiss on her soft skin. She still smelled just like strawberries.  

"It works though. It got you here." Her smile reappeared on her face and she turned her head around and pulled me in for a deep kiss.  She moaned a little and I smiled against her lips when I heart her. When she pulled away, I was still smiling. 

"Don't tell me you haven't fucked since I left cause I don't believe you." 

"No one fucked me like you though." I laughed.

"Keep lying and I won't fuck you at all." I chuckled and got up, picking my jacked off the floor.

"Where are you going?" 

"I wasn't kidding, I really am tired. See you tonight though. My room, 11 pm, make sure your parents are sleeping. I don't want interruptions." I winked and closed the door behind me, walking to the end of the hallway to Jimin's room. He was watching TV when I got in. I dropped on the bed next to him. "Hey, so... can you switch rooms with your sister tonight at like 11 pm." He took his eyes off the TV and stared at me for longer than necessary.

"Yall wanna fuck in my bed?" 

"Yes...?" 

"No. What did I tell you in the train?" 

"Oh, come on, I didn't think you were being serious. Jimin, it wouldn't be the first time, or the second time... or the third time. Let it be." 

"You're using my sister because you're horny. Good job. I'm glad you learned so much from your hyungs." 

"I'm not using her!" I said, a little louder than I intended. "I love your sister. I'm not in love with her, of course not, but I have love for her. I'm not using her for sex, she's my friend. And you're acting like she's not the one jumping on me whenever she gets the chance. And it's not even about sex. I barely come home anymore, so I barely see Nay. I'm not... close to anyone back in Seoul. I can't hug anyone or tell them goodnight. Nayeon adores me. I don't get that feeling from anyone in Seoul. I guess I just need her close. It's not about sex." Jimin looked away from me and sighed. 

"You never told me any of this." 

"What was I supposed to say? I'm lonely? There's nothing you could've done about it." 

"It's not just this. You never tell me anything. Talk to me. At least now, please, just talk to me." He searched for my eyes with his and eventually I gave up and looked at him. Talking about my dad was my least favorite thing in the world. That and no one knew about him except for me and my mom. My hatred towards him scared me, so I avoided to bring him up in any circumstances. 

"When I was ten, I came home from school expecting to find my dad where he usually was, in front of the TV. But that day, it was a thursday, I came home and he wasn't there. I was so tired, my head hurt, but I wasn't able to fall asleep because my dad wasn't there. I kept going back and forth through the house. I was uneasy and I couldn't stop moving. I waited for over three hours before I heard the front door. I watched him stumble with his keys. He dropped them and tried to pick them up, but he couldn't crouch. He held the wall with his hand for balance as he struggled to take off his shoes.  I closed my door and tucked myself in my bed, face towards the wall and pretended to be asleep. I heard him open my bedroom door and I guess he stared at me for a few seconds before he closed it back up." My voice and my hands started shaking and Jimin took one of my hands in his and squeezed it. 

"I heard him knock a few things over in the bathroom. I laid there and listen to him puke." I said, my voice cracked and faded away as the lump in my throat was forcing me to give up and my eyes burned. A few tears came down without my intention to let them go. "I was ten. After that it was just a series of getting drunk regularly. I would start shaking and sobbing while covering my mouth so he doesn't hear. The first time he hit my mom, I was twelve. When I was fourteen he took out a gun and threatened to blow out her brains in front of me. I took his gun and he looked at me, pupils dilated and said 'Go on. Fucking shoot me. You two don't exist without me." I fell backwards and Jimin rushed to keep my head from hitting the side of the bed. I looked at the ceiling, but I couldn't see anything. The tears kept falling down from the corners of my eyes. "I want him dead so bad." My voice barely came out. 

"Who do you want dead?" Nayeon's voice made me jump a little and I quickly wiped away my tears and closed my eyes, hoping she would let it go and just leave.

"Nay, get out." Jimin said, his voice lower and weaker than I've ever heard it before.

"I came to hang out with Kookie, you get out." I sat up and looked at Jimin. His eyes were puffy and red and his face was completely different. He was mad. He let go of my hand and got up, marching rapidly towards his sister. His hand wrapped around her neck and he slammed her violently against the wall behind her. She screamed and closed her eyes.

"I said get out." He yelled in her face and let her neck go. She pushed him as hard as he could and ran out of the room, crying. He sighed and stumbled walking backwards, falling onto the bed. He covered his face with both of his hands and his breathing started picking up. I rushed in front of him and crouched.

"Hey, hey, hey, hey." I took his hands away from his face. "Breathe." He looked at me and nodded, inhaling and exhaling in sync with me until he calmed down. 

We both changed out clothes and jumped into bed for a nap. We didn't say anything else. We both understood what there was to understand. Me and Jimin had a very uncomplicated relationship where everything was clear thorough our eyes, faces and what we did. He didn't have to tell me he's sorry for me, because I knew that he knew I didn't need his pity. I needed him to know and understand which he did. That's why he kept quiet. That's why he almost hurt his sister. Because sometimes he felt me a little too much. Sometimes he just took my emotions upon himself. He was angry that he wasn't there, at 10 years old, next to me to save me, even though he knew that wasn't possible.

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Rose's P.O.V

I loved Bex beyond imagination, but sometimes I just kept things from her entirely. Like how two months prior to coming here I had enrolled in college and started taking korean classes. Or how her mom wasn't at all the reason I was here. Or how the stranger that just saw me half naked wasn't really that much of a stranger to me. I met Yoongi back in 2014, when they all came to the US. We met at a bar. At the time, I had no idea who he was and we got drunk together. We hooked up that night and surprisingly, I didn't regret it the next morning. Somewhere along the way we became close friends and started talking regularly. And by regularly, I mean daily. His personality really matched mine and I loved it. When I found out that Bex was working for them, I promised him I would come visit. 

Rose: I'm coming upstairs. Which door?

Yoongi: Far left. Don't worry, the guys are out. No one's gonna see you. 

I followed his instructions and ended up in a big room with two twin beds. Yoongi was laying down. I took off my shoes and climbed in the bed, above him and sat on his lap, looking down. His eyes flew open. I smiled and he raised an eyebrow.

"What? I told Bex I was gonna fuck you, at least let me simulate it." A cocky smile spread across his face. 

"Do you want to?" 

"Do I wanna what?"

"Fuck me." I leaned down and kissed him, grabbing his face in my palms. I pulled away slightly to look at him.

"Mhm." 

"Well, you can't. Not now anyway, because the rest are about to come back home and I'm not letting anyone else see you naked today." I groaned and let myself fall off of him, to his side.  He started laughing and I hit his stomach.

"Hey, so, don't be mad, but I think that Jungkook guy is really cute."

"Why would I be mad?"

"Is it okay that I kinda wanna ask him out?" 

"You wanna ask him out? Sorry, I forgot who I was asking. Of course you would. Kookie's the best. Seriously. Go for it. Don't even dare ever compare him with that son of a bitch of an ex of yours. But wait, you just met him and you wanna ask him out?" 

"Well, what's the point in waiting? How else am I gonna get to know him."

"You know that means no more showing up here saying you want me to fuck you. No more nudes and no more video chats in the middle of the night. I'm serious. Kookie's like my little brother."

"Tonight. Last time?" I held out my pinky and he wrapped his around mine.

"Last time."

[darinb]

Spiritual Success 5- Giving

Giving is the fourth key to spiritual success. We've learned that the first was reading the Bible daily, the second was prayer and the third was being part of an on fire Church like Ignite. The fourth I believe will challenge us all.

What we are talking about here is spiritual maturity, but remember age is compulsory while maturity is optional.

YOU CAN’T STAY A BABY!

I’m sure you’ll agree, babies are cute. Kids are cute too, but no one wants them to stay as kids forever.   Hebrews 5:12-14 (ESV Strong's) For though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you again the basic principles of the oracles of God. You need milk, not solid food, for everyone who lives on milk is unskilled in the word of righteousness, since he is a child. But solid food is for the mature, for those who have their powers of discernment trained by constant practice to distinguish good from evil.   Just because you’ve been in and around Church for years, doesn’t mean you are mature! Many have been in the church for years but still act like children, immature and needy!   Our granddaughter Kaileigh is a delight to us. She is little, cute, Austro-Malaysian and demanding. She orders Fiona and I around like personal slaves. At 2, it’s kind of cute. At 22 it won’t be cute at all!   Let me point out what babies and little kids are like, and you might see some parallels with Christian maturity…  

1.      CHILDREN ARE FICKLE

  Children can flip from laughing to crying in a heartbeat. Kaileigh can be happy and excited because she is watching the Lion King, then in 1 second be a screaming, blubbering mess because she has to go home.   Young Christians can be like this… emotional, experiencing highs and lows, changing opinions and views in a millisecond, often based on someone else’s opinion in a sermon, a book or on Facebook. They do not have the depth of knowledge of the Bible, so they are often not sure of God’s direction or standards.   Ephesians 4:14 (ESV Strong's) so that we may no longer be children, tossed to and fro by the waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by human cunning, by craftiness in deceitful schemes.   Immature Christians change opinions, even change churches, based on emotions or limited understanding. They are tossed around by every wind of doctrine, every cunning argument and can be at the mercy of abusive or ungodly leaders. We all start there, but we don’t want to end there!  

2.      CHILDREN LACK WILLPOWER

  When a child wants something, they want it all and they want it now! We are rediscovering that a 2 year old doesn’t do “wait” too well. Delayed gratification comes with maturity.   And young believers are the same. They want to grow and become powerful in the Lord, they want positive answers to all their prayers, and they don’t like to wait. Discipline… that’s a dirty word to many!   But as we have seen, anything worthwhile in the Lord, and indeed in life, takes time to grow and develop. Throw seed in the ground, and you have to wait for ages before you even see a tiny shoot, let alone fruits and flowers.   James 5:7 (ESV Strong's) Be patient, therefore, brothers, until the coming of the Lord. See how the farmer waits for the precious fruit of the earth, being patient about it, until it receives the early and the late rains.   The early rains gives your crop the start it needs, but the latter rains is what causes the bountiful harvest. Mature Christians are impatient, but with maturity you learn to trust God for His results, His latter rains and consequently you see a more abundant harvest.  

3.      CHILDREN DESIRE NEW AND EXCITING THINGS

  You know the drill… they see it in an ad, and all they can do is nag and talk about this new toy. Once they have it, they want some other new toy, right? It’s never ending for parents. Paw Patrol gets replaced by Lion King, then Transformers or Barbies or Dinosaurs!   Many Christians are like this too. They find novelty very appealing. They follow the latest Christian speaker, they chase flashy miracles. We’ve had these folk pass through often, but here at Ignite they get solid teaching, not the big, flashy performance, so they move on. I know dozens of these Christians, and they never grow beyond the next experience.   Miracles are great, moves of the Spirit are awesome, but the Word of God is what sees long, sustained growth!   In the gospels Jesus called those who were seeking signs wicked and adulterous. When Paul went to Athens, the Athenians were described like this…   Acts 17:21 (ESV Strong's) Now all the Athenians and the foreigners who lived there would spend their time in nothing except telling or hearing something new.   I’m all for God doing something new, exciting and miraculous. We’ve seen it many times here, but seeing miraculous signs does not make you spiritually mature or successful. If you seek signs and wonders more than you seek God, it makes you infantile, fickle and childish in your faith.  

4.      CHILDREN ARE SELFISH

  As cute as they are, kids are totally selfish. It’s all about them, and no one else. A baby might be cute, but their world view is the only thing in existence. And when they want milk, or food, or nothing else, they demand immediate satisfaction.   Philippians 2:3-4 (ESV Strong's) Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.   Mature people think about others, and do not just demand their own way constantly. I remember a quote from the movie “Beaches”, where Bette Miller, after meeting her long lost friend again says this… “Anyway, enough about me, let’s talk about you… what do you think about me?”   If you are, or if you have to live with a person who constantly demands their own way in everything, then this is not spiritual maturity, this is childishness!   So if we want to be mature, if we want to grow strong and not be a selfish, childish Christian, what is this next step towards spiritual success in your life? It is one simple word… giving.  

LIVING FOR GIVING

  Now I know some of you are thinking, “Oh no! Pastor Darin needs money!” Nope, I’m don’t need money, and while we will touch on money, I’m not going to start talking about it. You have more to give than that.   Winston Churchill said, “We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.”   Giving is not just about money, it’s about giving of yourself. It’s about serving, and this next step towards spiritual maturity can grow you rapidly and strongly in Christ.   To become mature, we have to grow past the consumerism of modern Christians. So many go from church to church to get something, but few go to church thinking, “What can I give!”   They might be seeking signs and wonders, they might be seeking a great performance, great worship, great preaching. But what they are not seeking is to become a selfless and generous giver of themselves!   Jesus Himself was a giver, giving of Himself constantly right up to giving His life for you. But we, frankly, are takers… we want the Lord to do what we pray and command Him to do. Oh, if we could only recognise that if we put Him first, if we seek Him first, all these other things we pray and strive and fight for come our way anyway.   Matthew 6:31-33 (ESV Strong's) Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.   In Philippians 2 we read that Jesus did not grasp at greatness but made Himself a servant.   Mark 10:45 (ESV Strong's) For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”   Serving is simply giving of yourself, and when you give of yourself freely there is a special blessing.  People often ask me why, as a successful behaviour Optometrist, why have I given up time and quite a lot of money to become a pastor. The answer is simple… God asked me, and I want with all me heart to serve Him, and consequently to serve you.  

STEPS TOWARDS GIVING OF YOURSELF

  Many times we say, “Lord, I want to give you all of my life,” but we don’t… we hold back on some areas, especially areas we think might cost too much.  So how do you start giving to the Lord?  

1.      IT STARTS WITH A CHOICE

  Joshua 24:15 (ESV Strong's) And if it is evil in your eyes to serve the Lord, choose this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your fathers served in the region beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites in whose land you dwell. But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.”   Joshua made a clear choice… I will serve the Lord. Giving of your time, skills and talents start with a decision… I will use these to serve the Lord.   As a young guy I knew I had a musical talent. I could play several instruments, and sing OK. I was in a band at school, and was going to run away and go in the road with them. Until my mum found out!   Most of my life I’ve had people compliment me on my musical skills, and ask me to join bands, etc. but early on I made the conscious decision to only use my talent to serve Jesus. This has seen me travel around the world and minister to hundreds of thousands of people. Not because I’m good, but because I made the decision to serve and give my talent to the Lord for His use.  

2.      DISCOVER YOUR GIFTS

  1 Peter 4:10 (ESV Strong's) As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God's varied grace:   Every one of you has gifts, even if you feel very ordinary. Spiritual gifts are freely given by God, and we can use the spiritual gifts He has given us to serve others in the church.   Some of you will not be sure of what your spiritual gifts are. If that’s you, please put aside an hour today after our family lunch to do 201, where you can discover what your gifts are.  

3.      LEARN HOW TO GIVE

  It is one thing to know what spiritual gifts you have, but it is entirely another to move into a place where you can actually use them.   1 Corinthians 12:7 (ESV Strong's) To each is given the manifestation of the Spirit for the common good.   Spiritual gifts are not given to you for your benefit, but they are given to benefit the church and those around you. One of my concerns about folks who are drawn to large churches is that they have spiritual gifts but they mostly finish up as consumers. They go to church, they sit, they enjoy a great service, but they often don’t have a chance usually to serve and give and become part of the church body.   If you do 201, you not only discover your gifts, but you learn where you can use them to serve and bless others.  

YOU CAN FIND A PLACE TO SERVE AT IGNITE

  Ignite church has been designed to allow you to serve by doing what you love. That’s why people are so happy… we are all doing what we love, and operating in our gifting. Right from the start I made conscious decision to not put square pegs in round holes. You can fit square pegs in round hole, if you bash hard enough, but everyone gets hurt and damaged in the process!   Ephesians 4:16 (ESV Strong's) the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love.   Giving of your time, energy and skills here at Ignite build the church up, but also builds you up!  

GIVING OF YOUR MONEY

  Any discussion on giving has to include this one… money!   A man came to a pastor one time and told him he had made a commitment to tithe. He was a student and only earned $10,000 a year, so he gave $1,000.  The next year he got a great job and earned $100,000, so he gave $10,000 to the Church. His income skyrocketed and He then earned $1,000,000 in the year, so he had to tithe $100,000, so he came back to the pastor and begging him to ask God if he could be Let our of the covenant. The pastor knelt and prayed silently for a long time, and the man eventually asked, “Are you praying that God will let me out of my covenant?” “No” replied the minister, “I’m praying for God to reduce your income to the point where you are happy to tithe!”   Amy Carmichael said, “You can give without loving, but you cannot love without giving.” A sign of a truly mature believer is a generous spirit.   It has been well said that the last part of our body to be sanctified is the back pocket. Human beings are selfish, not generous by nature (as we see in babies and children). I love the way that this church is a generous Church. I try and be as generous as I can as often as I can, and I personally have seen the Lord perform amazing miracles of provision in my life.  

WHOSE MONEY?

  I remember going to McDonalds with one my kids and buying them a McHappy meal. It worked well… it made them McHappy! While they were eating, I reached across and pinched one of their chips, and they got really upset about it, and held the chips to their chest, telling me “These are mine!”   We can be just like that with God. Listen to what David said about giving…   1 Chronicles 29:14 (NIV-WS) “But who am I, and who are my people, that we should be able to give as generously as this? Everything comes from you, and we have given you only what comes from your hand.   Everything you and I have, everything we own, everything in our bank account comes not from our work, our job, our pension, it really comes from God. It’s all His! He bought the French fries, and then we get mad when He asks us to give a small portion of them.   A preacher asked a farmer in his congregation, “If you had two hundred dollars, would you give one hundred of them to the Lord?” “I would,” the farmer said. “If you had two cows, would you give one of them to the Lord?” “I would,” the farmer said again. The preacher then asked, “If you had two pigs, would you give one of them to the Lord?” “Now that isn’t fair,” said the farmer. “You know I have two pigs!”   We rarely speak about giving and money at this church, but buckle up because we need to do it now!  

HOW TO GIVE GENEROUSLY

  So given that it is all His, how can we give generously, and how much do we need to give. Notice how I phrased that? Human beings are always looking for a bargain. What’s the least we can give to get what we want?   Money is such an important topic that more than half the parables in the bible and over 2,000 verses concern money. But Jesus made it clear, it’s not the money God is interested in, it’s the hold it has on you. Remember the rich young ruler? They problem was not that he had money, the problem was that money had him!   Honestly, Jesus does not need your money. He owns the cattle on a thousand hills. You are not helping Him out by giving what isn’t even yours really. As missionary Jim Elliott said, “He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep, to gain what he cannot lose.”   The Lord is not even worried about how much you give. I mean, the widow was commended even though she gave a small amount. What He is interested in is the heart of your giving!   Luke 12:34 (ESV Strong's) For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.   Your attitude to giving is a great measure of your spiritual maturity.   2 Corinthians 9:6-7 (ESV Strong's) The point is this: whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows bountifully will also reap bountifully. Each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.   The Greek word for cheerful is hilaros, with literally means hilarious. Ever watched a funny movie and laughed so much more our sides ache? Can you imagine giving with so much hilarity that your sides ache?  

1.      GIVING SHOULD BE A PRIORITY

  Proverbs 3:9-10 (ESV Strong's) Honor the Lord with your wealth and with the firstfruits of all your produce; then your barns will be filled with plenty, and your vats will be bursting with wine.   This is a promise with a condition. We need to give to the Lord first, not last, and He promises he will bless us beyond measure. Some people say I don’t have enough money spare so cannot afford to give, but frankly I cannot afford not to give. So I recommend that, if you want to be spiritually successful and blessed in every way, including financially, don’t give out of what you have left in the week, give the first fruits. Set money aside first, then spend the rest.trust me it works!  

2.      GIVING SHOULD BE SACRIFICIAL

  God doesn’t need or want your tips. Thanks God, you did a great job, here’s a tip! Again, He is not interested in your money. He is looking at your heart, the spirit behind your giving.   King David wanted to sacrifice to the Lord, and another guys offered to give him all he needed.   2 Samuel 24:24 (ESV Strong's) But the king said to Araunah, “No, but I will buy it from you for a price. I will not offer burnt offerings to the Lord my God that cost me nothing.” So David bought the threshing floor and the oxen for fifty shekels of silver.   David wanted to give sacrificially, because He knew God was looking at his heart. In the same way, Jesus commended the widow in Luke 21 even though she gave only a small amount, because   Luke 21:4 (ESV Strong's) they all contributed out of their abundance, but she out of her poverty put in all she had to live on.”   Sacrificial giving makes God sit up and take notice! He loves it, because it shows a devoted heart!  

3.      GIVING SHOULD BE INVESTING

  You can give to the Salvos, you can give to Lily House. You can give to a thousand causes, so why give to the church? I believe that Ignite is good soil, a great place to invest your giving…   Luke 8:15 (ESV Strong's) As for that in the good soil, they are those who, hearing the word, hold it fast in an honest and good heart, and bear fruit with patience.   When I give I view it as an act of worship, but also as an investment. I expect a return. Honestly, I’m not worried about more money coming to me, I expect a return in souls, in lives turned around, homes restored, believers set on fire for Jesus! I could give anywhere, but here, I believe, is a good return on what I give.   As a pastor, I am paid far less than any other pastor I know. Everyone who works here is paid far less than they are worth, but we are happy to do this because we do it as unto the Lord. We don’t blow money on big flashy buildings. Yes, we may have to expand, but we are not going to spend lavishly but frugally. We are going to invest in reaching the community, kids church and anything we can that blesses the Lord.  

4.      GIVING SHOULD BE TRUSTING

  When you give, of your time, gifts or money, are you Tipping, tithing or trusting? Do you tip God a few dollars in when God has been good to you that week? Are you stuck in a legalistic thing where you fearfully give 10% worried that God’s blessing will leave you if you don’t? Or are you trusting, gifting generously wherever you can, whenever you can as the Lord directs?   Personally,I don’t give 10%. That’s the basic, minimal requirement. I choose to give more than the basic tithe, and I give generously at every point I can. And the Lord keeps bringing more and more money to us, because He sees my heart.   I don’t give to get… that’s not the right heart! Fiona and I made a decision years ago to just give and give and give, and let the Lord sort out what comes our way. I believe and generous spirit is the heart God wants to see.   He sees your heart too… but what does He see. Does He see a generous giver, does He see someone who gives sacrificially of their money, time and talents? Or does he see a selfish person, giving the bare minimum to try and bargain with God for the maximum blessing?   Proverbs 11:24-25 (ESV Strong's) One gives freely, yet grows all the richer; another withholds what he should give, and only suffers want. Whoever brings blessing will be enriched, and one who waters will himself be watered.  

ARE YOU READY TO TRUST GOD?

  Are you ready to trust God as you give Him your Life, your time, your gifts and talents and your money?   Let me leave you with a wonderful Biblical promise and threat… This speaks to all of us. It was originally given to the people of Israel who were giving not their best to God, but the sick, the lame , the dying, the worst of their flocks to God as an offering.   Malachi 3:8-11 (ESV Strong's) Will man rob God? Yet you are robbing me. But you say, ‘How have we robbed you?’ In your tithes and contributions. You are cursed with a curse, for you are robbing me, the whole nation of you. Bring the full tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. And thereby put me to the test, says the Lord of hosts, if I will not open the windows of heaven for you and pour down for you a blessing until there is no more need. I will rebuke the devourer for you, so that it will not destroy the fruits of your soil, and your vine in the field shall not fail to bear, says the Lord of hosts.   A generous spirit is a sign of spiritual success. If think Ignite is good soil, you can trust God as you give here, so please do. If you want to give of your time and spiritual gifts, come and do 201 today. You may not think you have much to give, but give the loaves and fishes of your life to Jesus and watch Him multiply them!   Ps David Yonggi Cho’s Church was on the point of bankruptcy and they called a prayer meeting .  Let me read from his account…   Seeing that only a miraculous intervention of God would deliver us from a catastrophe, I joined the intercessors at Prayer Mountain. One evening while we were meeting to pray on the ground floor of our unfinished church, several hundred joined me in prayer. An old woman walked slowly in my direction. As she approached the platform, I noticed that tears were filling her eyes. She bowed and said, “Pastor, I want to give these items to you so that you may sell them for a few pennies to help with our building fund.” I looked down, and in her hands were an old rice bowl and a pair of chopsticks. I said to her, “Sister, I can’t take these necessities from you!” “But, Pastor, I am an old woman. I have nothing of value to give to my Lord; yet, Jesus has graciously saved me. These items are the only things in the world I possess!” she exclaimed, tears now flowing freely down her wrinkled cheeks. “You must let me give these to Jesus. I can place my rice on old newspapers, and I can use my hands to feed myself. I know that I will die soon, so I don’t want to meet Jesus without giving Him something on this earth.” As she finished speaking, everyone there began to weep openly. The Holy Spirit’s presence filled the place, and we all began to pray in the Spirit. A businessman in the back of the group was deeply moved and said, “Pastor Cho, I want to buy that rice bowl and chopsticks for one thousand dollars!” With that, everyone started to pledge their possessions. My wife and I sold our small home and gave the money to the church.  This spirit of giving saved us from financial ruin.   Some of you here feel like you have little to offer the Lord. Some have served before and been hurt.

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