#and essentially just told us doing the work was optional whilst the projected a movie that was rated higher than our age

[the0ther-side0f-dawn]

personal thoughts on gifted kid discourse. talk with me in the replies if you want.

been seeing a lot about how "former gifted kids" just have complexes around elitism, and were far more fortunate to pass through the system then to fall through the cracks as there is no support for those that dont have as much ease with typical teaching/learning styles

but this isnt a univeral experiences

this post is just me sharing my experience okay

im denying that that happens a lot but...

we didnt have gifted programs. but we always had teacher aides and out-of-class tuition time for students who struggled.

in primary school they'd put like 5 of us in a class with another grade, bc we were expected to be able to learn independently, basically we were assigned a task or a page in a textbook each lesson and that was that.

and in high school, there was the advanced class but it had the same class size, definitely didn't have the best teachers, but on the plus side, our curriculum moved at a quicker pace and included a couple more advanced topics- so we did get that benefit.

but the one thing i noticed being in advanced classes was that the teachers did less teaching, they would give us the work to do, maybe explain it once if we were lucky, and leave us to it, and sure you could ask questions and get 1-on-1 time which was fine for 90% of the class...

BUT, we were still underfunded public schools.

there were tutorial programs to assist kids struggling to keep up - instead of sport and assemblies they would get direct tuition, and there were after school homework programs for people to access the library facilities and teacher assistance.

but if you were at the top, here's what happened: you were bored. you went to class, you did the task, nothing was challenging, nothing was especially interesting. occasionally something cool came along but the moment it got complicated the teachers would put a cap on it, tell us to just take something for granted, not to learn the intricacies, etc.

you wanted to take advanced subjects? you cant. there's no access.

in my experience what happens, is you just learn how to do menial tasks, you dont learn enduring skills in how to learn or overcome challenges, you don't learn how to study or ask questions or do research, you spend a lot of time learning how to 'dumb-it-down' to prove you know what you know. and then you go on to higher education, and you are not prepared at all.

and youre left with this terrible feeling of failure and unfulfilled potential.

i was told from a very early age that i should have been having advanced tuition. that comes at a cost.

i imagine that the ease at which students learn probably looks something like a bellcurve. and the system is designed for the those in the middle, there's pressure to raise our statistics and bring everyone up to that middle level, which brings some kids up, but it lets a lot down, and drags down a lot who could've gone further.

every child needs a personalised education. every child should be regularly assessed and placed in a learning situation which is appropriate to their level. every child deserves access to 1-on-1 learning to overcome obstacles.

and yeh i succeeded very well at just 'doing things' but the moment i had to learn? turns out im not equipped

---

also the fact i went through my entire education without learning

-how to read music

-more than the most basic level of a second language

-how to do research

-anything about careers

-basic linguistics like different types of verbs (we got: I am walking, I walked, I will walk, as the only tenses).

-literally anything about anatomy beyond the basic digestive system and respiratory system.

[redlemonz]

Day #25

I called her last night. So I may have fucked up a little more after all. I just couldn't bear the resemblance of the week thus far as I had mentioned, son needed to alter that fate slightly. Also I missed hearing her voice, and feel strange being stuck at a solely virtual friend. Though we spoke for over an hour, I don't think she was very happy about it. She said she was tired, which is understandable but her voice also depicted this obvious sadness with a little underlying anger even potentially. That's because I keep pushing boundaries without even realising it sometimes. I don't know where this damn imaginary line is, and I can't behave in a certainly perfect way to please anyone because it's just not me. But I'm really trying for her, even though it may not always come across it. It's just extremely difficult, especially when everything feels normal and nice when we're usually chatting, or when we were watching the end of the movie at the end of last weekend with what felt like together, but then that atmosphere completely seems like it's changed over the phone. Though I guess I did ruin it from the very beginning, as I casually asked if she wanted to catch up over dinner over the weekend.. which meant driving down nearly 5 hours - which I don't perceive as a big deal when she's worth travelling across the world for. Plus I thought it would've been a fun drive and adventure for myself too. But yeah, that crosses some obvious lines in her perception and cannot be so, therefore I kept getting told that she doesn't actually want to see me.. a lot. That was painful each time it got repeated, but I know she's just being blunt and honest with me as always, which I can kinda appreciate even through the stabbing of my heart is inevitable in the circumstances. It just sucks that I feel as though I can't act as naturally or with the same level of comfort anymore because she'll either ignore it, or even remind me of this imaginary drawn line between us that I can't cross anymore because of these "rules" that essentially need to be followed. This wasn't the case last time we spoke on the phone or chatted either, which leads me to believe that she's escaping further along, and we're drifting apart even more as a result. Not that it's bad for her, because I do want her to be able to be happy and do whatever she needs to.. it's just unfamiliar and hurtful to feel as though we're moving towards essentially becoming strangers. She wanted me to stoop down to the level of her other friends, meaning I have to make less effort.. which is not great. I'm use to making a lot of effort into friends that don't return it, and am currently already abandoning that negativity in my life, so I thought it would be nice to channel that for this beautiful friend I know who is always worthwhile. But I still can't do that due to these fucking boundaries, and so now it's almost as if I have to think about literally everything I say or do rather than just being myself, to make sure that it's within the confines of whatever this is, because otherwise I'll probably lose her forever. That means there's much less room to make mistakes, even though that word basically defines who I am and what I'm made of, sadly. Day 25 - Distance between imaginary lines The events of last night and reminder of this 4 week breakaversary corrupted my heart with further sadness, and my mind with a sharp internal pain. I woke up on a few occasions in the middle of the night to basically face-palm my actions and failed attempts at reaching out to her. I realised I should probably also get a haircut, so that I can stop pulling my hair during these agonising moments. At about 5am, it all came crashing down again, and I couldn't force myself back to sleep. From there, I was unable to go through with the day with the intensity of everything - so I messaged my boss accordingly. There's no standard work day segment as a result because this resulted in sick-day Friday, the lesser favourable day off from my recent two. That's really saying something too, considering we parted ways upon the last one. The difference there however, was that I was still with her, and got the chance to hold her in my arms and smile with her. So I lay awoke with my heart pounding against my chest in a constant worry about what she must think of me from last night. Even though I'm use to the idea and don't really bother enough to care if most others in my life leave me or denounce me as they may please, I persistently care about her judgement, because it's the one that truly counts for me (beside my own too, that is). I'm afraid of messing things up even more than I already have and fearful that I won't ever be able to be seen as the guy I've always wanted to be - the one I've always wanted her to see me as. That me, portrayed quite well from our wonderful weekend (+sick day monday) is the genuine me, and I don't want to scar that image or memory in any way at all. Not that it should even matter I guess. It's too late for any sort of redemption in that regard because there's clearly no going back. The arrows (not the green kind either, sadly) my heart captured from the phone call last night, which I really drew upon myself again, were outright demonstrating of that. She's likely once again realising and reliving the fact that she made the correct decision every time she hears from me. Even more so because I'm currently over thinking and running a way greater analysis than is required, which even she noted quite apparently last night. I don't know. There's nothing that can really change this feeling except the one thing we can't have anymore, which there's no chance at. She doesn't want to see me & wants to continue having the space away so that she can actually move past me for good, and not risk being dragged back into this pit with me. Even though I know that through all my late-learning, there would be no pit anymore and it's an easy fix to even that which is currently supposedly broken - but in all realism still has parts lying around. There's just no manual labour remaining because she's exhausted, and fairly so. I've already given her a thousand reasons to walk away in the last year, and she justifiably finally did, as I understand that I wasn't worth the effort any longer. So what's the point of even trying to reach out and stick around after I'm constantly taking all these blows to an already damaged heart? Well, my love and care for her as a person conquers all of that pain, and I'll always make the effort for her. As expected, I wasted the majority of my day. I spent most of just watching stuff, and catching up on sleep. It was a win, so to speak, considering my head needed some breathing room. I did however go for a short walk, simply down the road, because the fresh air was invigorating too. Received a couple snaps from her at least, one being her fashionable outfit she modelled pretty well for her end of week site measurement visit thingy that architects do. Of course she looked really pretty as always. The familiarity of her visually was nice and refreshing too, which made me look back at some of our recent photos together from the recent snowy mountain town times, as well as when we rode bikes around the lake. Goddamn I miss seeing that smile and hearing that laugh. I kept trying to achieve it out of her last night too, and though I did a couple times, for the most part I believe I was just pushing boundaries as aforementioned - my humour unaccounted for / one sided. She's got a point though I guess, as my definition of lightheartedness can be pretty skewed in the grand scheme of the circumstances. I've even been banned from attending her graduation late next month, which is publicly attended by thousands, which includes friends of hers I know - one of which even said they'd get me a ticket. But I have to politely decline now because I can't be in attendance as it would piss her off completely, as displayed by her telling me to justifiably "fuck off" when I tried to cheekily state I would be going to attend another friend's graduation. Can't risk her family seeing me after all, because well - you know, I'm no one at the end of the day. Especially now, I'm even more of a no one than I was at her birthday, and that I have been in most encounters with her family. My presence would ultimately ruin her day, which contributes towards ruining her life, so it's not an option at all for me to be somewhere where the person you love never really wanted you to be in the first place. It's heartbreaking I guess (what isn't though by now, right?), especially when I view in my older photos her wonderful thesis project on display at the art museum last year, and still see all the various edits and notes that are saved files on my computer desktop. It reminds me of the times she even took me on journeys to the western damns and a special beach, and even one of my favourite adventures - when we broke into The Island at night. That was a really fun, exhilarating and probably not so subtle moment of what felt like a scene in a movie almost, as we walked around into restricted areas and mowed our way through the tall grass. We were total badasses, that's for sure - the dangerous duo prior to accepting our casual lives and settling as a security couple. Or so the movie would go anyway. We never did quite make it to the top of that hill that was in the nearing vicinity in end though, because of the quarry that lied in between. I always hoped that someday we'd return and triumph over that together, and watch the stars as we use to.. but it's just another lost dream now. Anyway, at least I'll spend my solo date night with some epic pizza whilst watching a newly released Marvel show I've been waiting almost two years for! If only I could share my pizza with her though.