#and enrichment activities that cause me to say mean and aggressive and provocative and impolite shit
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#someone should give me an environment where I can practice giving completely unfiltered responses again#and enrichment activities that cause me to say mean and aggressive and provocative and impolite shit#would love to get back in touch with the part of myself that was so naturally candid and cutting that I didn’t even realize how mean it was#and I had to become this person I am now who is so out of touch with giving her genuine natural response to things that anything less than#3 filters deep feels unthought out#like. I’m practicing actively trying to be in touch with what I want to say every day with my friends by actually trying to say what I mean#and think rather than what I’m guessing at what they want to hear but it’s not enough#other people are just saying shit and I’m left flabbergasted because either I drilled myself out of that or it was drilled out of me#i think I also have a semi frequent problem of thinking ten steps ahead in a conversation. how do I stop doing that. it feels directly conne#connected to this filter thing#sense of self#2024#it’s getting easier. I notice myself doing it without intention a lot these days. but I feel like something got lost along the way.#like my brain is still speedrunning the filters and all the beats it expects to encounter in the conversation and THEN overriding that#it’s not natural. or I’m not feeling what I’m saying as deeply or not accurately communicating what I’m trying to#I’ve been doing the ‘practicing actively saying what I’m thinking and feeling’ thing for years and years#it really isn’t hard to do. I’m just stuck on that processing issue I guess. why doesn’t being candid feel natural anymore.
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