#and dont see myself in a lifestyle that includes kids

[okthatsgreat]

12, 13, 24, 25, 26, 29, 43, 74

For fanfic ask game because brain still go brrr about your work a lot :D

JORDANNNNNN SHAKING YOU GRABBING YOU SHAKING YOU

this ones gonna be LONG lol GONNA PUT THIS UNDER READ MORE :]

12. do you outline your fics?  if yes, how detailed are your outlines?  how far do you stray from them?

i try to lmfaoooo!!!! for opddmh for example, ive got the basic outline of how i want everybodys arcs to end, the climax of the story, and a vague idea of a few of the plot beats all written out in an empty discord server i use to keep track of things!! i also put in loose scraps of dialogues i daydream up even if im not quite sure where theyll fit in yet, just so if im really stuck i can scroll through and see if anything rings a bell!! there are QUITE a few emotional scenes already written out and ready to go

nothing is super detailed tho!! quite a bit of it is still on a chapter to chapter basis. while i have an outline its not always set in stone, for example there were a LOT of scenes i had scribbled down for odietlg and lgowab that didnt make the final cut!! i dont have the notes for odietlg but i do have them for lgowab bc theyre archived in that empty discord server i mentioned earlier lol. one idea from that story that got scrapped were all of the different endings coming from different peoples point of views (for example korekiyos pov, tenkos pov, kaedes pov) but that got scrapped bc i thought itd lessen the impact a bit. ALSO in one of the earlier drafts of lgowab a LOT more v3 kids were gonna be ahl members including tenko, but i thought it was more important to keep their numbers down to really emphasise how much danganronpa is dramatising their threat level lol! off the top of my head there were bits and pieces i scrapped from odietlg too but i wont go on and on about that LOLOL

oh and also there is an entire channel dedicated to miu that i still go back to sometimes LMFAOO

13. do you listen to music while you write?  if yes, what have you been listening to recently?

oh my god i cant listen to music while i write LMFAOO or at least not music with lyrics. if i really really need to write i will pull myself up by my pants sit down at my desk and stare at my screen in total silence until eventually my adhd meds wear off and i go to sleep

im mostly kidding LMFAO if i really need something in the background ill put on this playlist! if i need inspo sometimes i go to the fic playlists ive got on spotify :]

24. how do you choose whose POV to write in?

i choose based on who i think will tell an interesting story! going to be flat out honest with you, sometimes the povs i write from arent my favorite characters, but i think that their personal story would be a really good fit in what im trying to convey! tenko is probably one of the only exceptions considering the entire story is based around her surviving LMFAO even then that was mostly because i wanted to dissect her under a microscope for 42 chapters. emma and maki are like this too considering mask of my own face/run from your demons are oneshots :]

himiko and miu got chosen for lgowab mostly based on the fact that they had completely different stories to tell and i didnt want to choose two protags who were going through the same thing!! himiko strived for selflessness while miu struggled with morality and paranoia and i thought they would contrast well :] and oh my god let me tell you i did not expect to bring miu back for a whole other fic but i got ATTACHED shes such a mess.

everybody in opddmh were selected because they brought a range of different lifestyles/coping mechanisms to a post-game universe and they all have stories i wanted to explore!! makoto and being the poster child for hope and struggling with how others perceive him, mikans debate with her own morality and growing bitterness towards the company, and then of course akanes total refusal to be worried at all costs. byakuyas brief povs are to supply a more pessimistic view of their situation that parallels miu, which is why theyre always together during it. ive mentioned this in another ask from kozuelovemail but the v3 kids that stay alongside each pov were selected because they parallel the older participants in some way!!

and then of course. probably goes without saying but i do tend to choose female povs lmfaooo not only because I Am One but also because theyre just soooo criminally unexplored

25. what’s your favorite part of the writing process (worldbuilding, brainstorming/outlining, writing, editing, etc)?

well i can say its NOT editing LMFAOOOO this bitch does not edit!!!!!!!!!!!!! which you can probably tell!!!! i mean i give it a good glance and then send it off usually a lot of the edits are made when i wake up in the morning read over the chapter again and go "what the hell was i trying to say here"

brainstorming maybe???? i love Thinking. a lot of the times stories come to me in various scenes rather than one linear storyline and ive gotta grab them all from inside my head and mash them together. i also love brainstorming characters arcs and what their Deal is gonna be throughout it

and then writing of course. love writing. ive had to teach myself to kinda just type out a draft at first and to stop going back to edit, and then once i finish i go back and add extra or remove anything that sounds silly. writing on a good day is lots of fun!!!! ESPECIALLY when its scenes that im excited for/are high drama. like. those high drama scenes that ive been waiting to get down onto google docs dot com...... hell yea

26. what’s your least favorite part of the writing process?

PFFT WHOOPS already answered probably editing! its difficult for me to sit there and read over everything meticulously cuz my brain just does not want to thoroughly go through something especially if ive just completed it. which. most of the time as soon as i complete it and have gone back to add in extra/remove the silly bits i consider it done and i send it through LMFAO. thats on me for updating weekly tho!!! there are gonna be mistakes!!!!!!!!!! and yknow what ive learned to live with that this is a fanfiction i write for fun and i do this cuz i love writing :]

29. what’s something about your writing that you’re proud of?

hgfdjkgshdk i always feel so bad like. praising my writing yknow? theres always going to be parts of it id change or want to go back on but if i had to choose something id probably say the characterisation? i try to put in a lot of effort in making these people feel more human and not as "larger than life" as they usually are, and i want every pov i write from to have flaws and things theyre good at and little quirks that make each of them stand out from each other. when i write characters i try to keep in mind the little things about them, like himiko twitching her nose or mikan having acne shes self conscious about, miu twirling her hair or makoto using novelty mugs instead of the more aesthetically pleasing ones. just tiny things that round them out as people :]

43. is there a trope or idea that you’d really like to write but haven’t yet?

ouhghggh..... not sure! im so so focused on opddmh rn if i think about anything else ill totally spiral away from it (im already doing that with the rp im in LMFAOOOO erin on the brain). there are a few things im excited to write for but thatd be spoiling >:)

73. do you have a fic you wish got a bit more love?

not really!!!! i know its such a corny fucking answer but genuinely people have been so so lovely on all of my fics. like some of the kindest people. and also people who have stuck around for a very long time!! theres one commenter mythgirl02 who has literally given me a comment on every single chapter on every single fic ive published mythgirl if youre out there..... i love you. and even if they dont comment on every chapter ive gotten commenters who have actually brought me tears YOU FUCKING INCLUDED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and also lily if shes reading this their comments are always so so sweet

i write bc ive got stories i wanna get out of my brain and share!!!!!!! its fantastic that people click on them to read along!!!!! i really try not to worry too much about kudos or reads or anything like that, but the support has been very very lovely and its led me to some awesome communities :]]

JORDAN I FUCKING LOVE YOU FOR THIS <333 THANK YOU SM AND SORRY ITS SO LONG I LIKE TALKING

fanfiction ask game!

[fxirybun]

too damn true!!! i also feel like with ur last point that ppl dont seem to remember as easily compared to previous times? for instance whenever theres a "new" tiktok trend i look at it and realise its not actually "new" just something that the newer generations seem to think they created or made it new again.

its like kids or teens nowadays are so focused on their online life that they forget things have been done before in a less than new way so to see aesthetics that have been around long before thenselves come back as an aesthetic more than a lifestyle baffles me. particularly with y2k, not only do the 00s feel too long ago ngl we had so much good stuff but its like if you search it on youtube all ppl say is how trashy it was just because they didnt live in the era of it or they put an importance of aesthetics without realising they really wouldnt cope without the internet but its more so they prefer how something looks from that era, than anything else, i dont think anyones whos chronically online (myself included) would realistically want to have zero internet in current times it really gives fomo honestly its so bad.

if u arent doing what everyone else is doing its so bad making us feel further behind bc time aint slowing down for nobody. we 30 somethings had a lot too but i feel that gen z just dont realise the difference in society between then and now and it seems vastly different i cant explain it? thats why i feel like we were in some sort of time alteration device in or around 2019 cause nothings felt normal since then and even ppls behaviours and just the way they "think" has been altered so much and it always has to accomodate to whatever is going on both online and irl, the fact we have to try to mentally separate the online version from our physical selves is bonkers. thats whag i mean its totally different and idk if its a good kind of different or bad. im even seeing this crop up with new generation kpop groups and my faves ultimately they still are very much chronically online even if they are on a break. its actually hard to keep up with this stuff going on all the time hbu?

that reminded me of the whole baggy jeans & flared jeans trend and how my mom told me that these jeans used to put a chokehold on them back in the 90s lol. we be following the 3 Rs rules 😆 : reduce , reuse , recycle.

well.. if the shoes fit , fits them 🤷‍♀️ and the majority of teens are usually in their experimenting phase wherein they get to try new things that they're curious about. been there , done that ◔_◔ an example would be my little brother who's in his mid-teen years. he's experimenting with some clothes and would mix n match them cuz it's "trendy". i find his fashion questionable because of the layered tops and pants he's wearing 😭 like bro it's freakin hot outside and you're going to wear that ?? tho i'm not gonna stop him , letting him explore and find his niche (˘̩̩̩ε˘̩ƪ)

you know the whole "emo phase" back in the early 2000s and how people would throw shade on it ? well surprise surprise cuz tara yummy , johnnie guilbert , and jake webster are trending , and how their goth / emo fashion is making its way on trends.

gen z's are individuals who aren't afraid to express their opinions and are pretty much self-aware as to what's going on in this world. i find it admirable because their voices are being used to change the current societal expectations of what the govt or any politician had established.

i do feel that the whole pandemic was a major catalyst for all of us and how everything seems to be happening too fast. but i kid you not with this one cuz some of the millennials and gen x peeps i know irl has been noticing how we gen z's have no presence in mind and that we have short attention spans 😭

well , they're right with that one cuz i noticed it from my blockmates , the younger students , and my skibidi toilet siblings. and you shouldn't feel bad about not being able to catch up cuz i'm on the same page as you lmao ( T_T)＼(^-^ ) i had no idea what a "fanum tax" meant not until my little brother who's a gen alpha told me its meaning 💀 there's a new wave of slangs too and how i was left in confucius at first but i got a hold on it over time.

[honexjams]

just was watching an ftm tiktok compilation that featured kalvin garrah and it got me heated, i have a LOT to say about him and his influence but i will condense it to this:

all trans people have an era of discovery and experimentation, for some that includes experimenting with pronouns online to see what theyre comfortable with. the rise in people IDing with they/them or they/she or they/he is infinitely more to do with more trans kids feeling comfortable to experiment than it is with unconcerned cis people wanting clout. (i know some cis people do ID as lgbt for attention, i grew up in a very depressed/depressing and drug-laden small town where its not unheard of for people, especially young people, to go to strange lengths for relief, comfort, and entertainment. this small amount does not tend to go through the worst of the treatment i had as a young, binary trans person in this parish, which alone will garuntee those folks didnt ID this way 'for funzies' very long)

writing off all of these young people as simply wanting attention is harmful to both nonbinary people directly and binary trans people who are young and trying to figure out what theyre comfortable with.

i can say for myself personally, that i am very sensitive so if the trans online sphere was as critical in 2012 as it is today, it probably wouldve thrown a wrench in my personal process of understanding my feelings and realizing the transphobic responses i got from coming out were just that and not the absolute truth. which wouldve in turn left me IDing as non-binary or nothing at all online for a longer time because i wouldve been more concerned with my fear of seeming like i wanted attention online than actually trying to nut up and come out at school or do anything i needed to do irl for my comfort.

i first listed my pronouns on a writing site thats mostly barren last i checked, and what i put was "he/him/they/them" because i was at a place where i was caught between what i felt was true about myself, and having just come out to my mother as an 11-year-old and her not believing me.

demonizing non binary pronouns and identities will 100% effect this generation of trans kids because for those with no support, they will turn to the internet. when both their real life and the online spaces they go to are highly critical and unaccepting of nonbinary identities, any kid less than 100% sure theyre a binary trans person will suffer at the very least an extended period of confusion and denial, and at worst never fully come to grips with who they are.

ive always felt really strongly about this but i feel as i hit the 10 year mark of knowing i was trans (and still being pretty young at 20yo) its a good time to express these feelings a little more formally than i tend to. especially because i fit into the like, Ideal Trans Experience of knowing i was a boy at a young age (i mentioned finding trans people at 11 but i have Very early memories of telling other kids on the playground that 'i was born a boy who looked like a girl so my parents raised me as a girl' which is dummy accurate to a trans experience often shown in media yk).

(this next paragraph is all personal anecdotes which are important to my point but if you dont care feel free to skip over it)

I do very much believe and accept nonbinary people as truth because i can understand how someone can feel like something that isnt understandable to the society they grew up in because that was my experience as an lgbt person in the deep south. I remember hearing my mom at a local parade (a Very Community-Focused thing where i grew up), see two teen girls holding hands walking down the street and saying "theyre a little young for that, huh?" to a friend, I remember asking her what 'gay' meant as a kid bc ofc i heard it at school and just wanted padding for if i ever said it out loud because as i knew it, wasnt a curse word but it was Bad Word (bc i knew from hearing it around school that it was a Bad Word)i wanted to know what it meant, she said "some boys date boys, its not really a Good lifestyle, but sometimes they do it". Ive heard many transmedicalists say 'how can you have dysphoria for nothing?' as in how can someone be agender. I am a binary trans man in a committed relationship with another man and I am frankly bewildered as to how a binary trans person can believe such a thing as 'the only genders that exist are ones i know about, even after discovering my own queerness' because I can perfectly understand the correlation between binary and nonbinary trans people. For me, growing up as a teenager in the south in the 2010s, gays were vaguely accepted but still ostrisized, and in school i had a classmate who i knew is a binary trans man because i still know him now, and I, my insecure, weak, self concious self emailed my teachers about my pronouns and name while he was still being called his birthname in class and my cousin, who sat in front of me next to him (thats how small a fown this is) was the only person who called him his chosen name, which was how i figured he was like me.

I personally dont want bottom surgery even tho i Fully identify as a binary male, I simply came to the understanding that a 'cis penis' is not something I will ever have so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ may aswell get used to the things i can tolerate, unlike my chest and 'feminine' features that T has changed.

Long story short if You are a binary trans person who doesn't get what the whole nonbinary thing is all about, simply try describing your own trans experience as if you were really not a boy or girl. As if you really, through your deepest soul-searching, came up with the fact that you simply dont identify with neither male nor female.

Back to the original point of binary trans people in a self descovery phase, if You are a binary trans person? try to remember the first time you felt really invalidated in a way that truly struck you as like, a direct attack on how you feel (like how those depressing 'relatable posts' do), did you ever feel like if that was something you experienced in a crucial part of your discovery period that it wouldve hurt a lot? maybe even to the point where it surpressed how you felt about yourself? All i want from the trans community is to not let anyone else feel that way. I truly do fear for young trans people and how this exclusive environment stunts them.

[theperplexityoftheunknown]

What is a relationship to be continued

You may ask yourself why this is Important yet it is very important! We will discuss Why they are important to your well being and what type of person you are in a relationship? I think if you take the time to read this post in its entirety and intense complexity you will have a better understanding of where you are in life and what more you can become by understanding the perplexity of every relation to man or relationship because trust me THIS BABY is going to get TOUGH.

Lets start of with the first question what is a relationship

the way in which two or more people, groups, countries, etc., talk to, behave toward, and deal with each other. : a romantic or sexual friendship between two people. : the way in which two or more people or things are connected.

Please go ahead and read one more time because that may or may not be the closest thing of a relationship to that you have a mutual relation  and understanding of but its way, way more complex just keep reading.

Each relationship we have encountered has been determined by how we were raised Im going to refer to some quick psycho-social information coming from a study introduced during world war 2 by British psychoanalyst john bowbly, whose lonely childhood gave him a lifelong interest in the power of parenthood.

In the 1970s a test was conducted by Bowlby’s student Mary Ainsworth. She performed the strange situation test where children that's age ranged from 12-18 months were put  in a toy-filled room with their mother and given a chance to play. A stranger enters and interacts with the parent and child,then mom exited the room-- leaving behind a confused and alarmed little kid. A few minutes later mom returned and comforted her toddler. Needless to say being separated from the person who feeds, protects, and tends to you is frighting for any toddler, but the test showed definite categories of reaction to that fear.

Why is this important ?

Early Attachment.

As seen above you can see that a study was conducted concerning attachment styles. It's important because it is with this information that you find out what type of relationships You are going to be compatible with. Some types absolutely do not collide but if you think this is all about “how do i form a relationship” well keep reading because its not possible for everyone.

1 Secure, when it is evident to have a secure attachment style when the parenting style was: Warm, attentive,relatively consistent, and quick to respond based on that approach the child's Baseline Emotional Status (BES) would have been happy, confident, and curious which would have subconsciously continues into adulthood with the Child’s expectation of life being: My need will be met

2. Anxious -Ambivalent/resistant, it is evident to have an anxious attachment style when the parenting style was: Inconsistent: sometimes responsive and sometimes not. The Child's BES would have been Insecure, anxious, and intensely emotional which in return would have subconsciously continued into adulthood with the child's expectation of life being: “IF i act in the right ways, I might earn love and my needs may be met”

3. Avioident- ,it is evident to have a avoidant attachment style when the parenting style was: Distant and Cold, or harsh and critical. The child's BES would have been Emotionally shut down which in return would have subconsciously continued into adulthood with the child's expectation of life being: “I can't trust anyone to meet my needs. I must meet my own needs.

Im sure your getting the idea of why this is now important

Lets looks at three statements

1 I find it relatively easy to get close to others and am comfortable depending on them. I don't often worry about being abandoned or about someone getting too close to me.

2. I find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I often worry that my partner doesn't really love me or doesn't want to stay with me. I want to get very close to my partner, and this sometimes scares people away.

3 i am somewhat uncomfortable being close to others:  i find it difficult to trust them completely, difficult to allow myself to depend on them. I am nervous when anyone gets too close, and often, love partners want me to be more intimate than i feel comfortable being

In 1987 psychologist cindy hazan and philip shaver reported the results of the statements above  they called it the ‘love quiz’

56% of adults respondents had identified themselves as secure, 19% as anxious and 25% as avoidant

The perfect combination

Secure people tend to have the most secure relationships, and a relationship needs only ONE secure partner to get that stability. With a partner who is happy to give reassurance and isn't threatened by the idea of being needed, an anxious person can relax, and is often loyal and loving. With someone who doesn't take it personally when their partner wants time alone,avoidant people can worry less about being tied down- however, most of the compromises in the relationship will likely be made by the secure partner. The real problem comes when two insecure types get together. If relationships often get messy for you, learning to recognize attachment styles and understanding how they clash can give you a path through the conflict

But then again Here comes perhaps the most perlex question i can ask? What happens in adult hood when you experience the pain and turama of a heartbreak?

What particularly does that do to each individual and how do they cope?

Do some people perhaps just shut down! Absolutely not! One subconsciously gains the ability to cope with their losses how? Lets start with:

Sexual compulsion – Relationship with sex, attachment and sexual orientation

I know your wondering What the Fuck where did this just turn to but trust me, or dont but you may or may not want to hear this or perhaps your brain craves the knowledge to understand and you ask yourself why your life is working in the way it is; remembemer its all in you!

I believe the first coping skill for some may be Hypersexuallity which I will refer to later.

2. I believe a conduct Disorder  DSM-IV-TR 314.9 Is primary consistent with feelings of Emotional shock from a previous ‘heartbreaking’ or traumatic event.

I will explain. I'm going to refer to the diagnostic features of conduct disorder which manifest itself  as a repetitive and persistent pattern in  which the basic rights of others or major age-appropriate societal norms or rules are violated. These behaviours fall into four main groupings” Criteria A1-A7 aggressive conduct that causes or threatens physical harm to other people or animals .

Or see criteria A8-A9 nonaggressive conduct that causes property loss or damage Or see A9 - A13, DECEITFULNESS OR THEFT

It is definite that promiscuous behavior is dangerous therefore someone engaging in Criteria a1-a7 w/o aggression and associated with parts or in hole with A8-9

Furthermore  the prevalence of conduct disorder appears to have increased over the last decades and may be higher in urban than in rural settings.

Course.

Individuals with conduct disorder are at risk for later mood disorders, anxiety disorders, somatoform disorders, and substance related disorders.

Sexual addiction, also known as hypersexual disorder, is associated with serious psychosocial problems for many people.

Sexual addiction, which is also known as hypersexual disorder, has been associated with serious psychosocial problems for many people although it has not been recognized as a disorder that merits inclusion in the DSM (Quadland, 1985) – see Karila et al. (2014) for review. Originally, Carnes (1983)published a book titled Out of the shadows: Understanding sexual addiction, which has raised interest in the area and facilitated a discussion on the best way to define and diagnose the disorder. Despite different views about pathological characteristics of sexual addiction there is an agreement that this is a progressive relapsing condition which does not merely refer to a pathological diagnosis of sexual lifestyle that is socially deviant (Edger, 2010).

Sexual addiction involves compulsive behaviors such as constantly seeking new sexual partners, having frequent sexual encounters, engaging in compulsive masturbation and frequently using pornography. Despite efforts to reduce or stop excessive sexual behaviors individuals find it difficult to stop and they engage in risky sexual activities, pay for sexual services and resist behavioral changes to avert HIV risk (Carnes, 1991; Coleman-Kennedy & Pendley, 2002; Coleman, Raymond & McBean, 2003; Kalichman & Rompa, 1995). Sexual compulsivity has been associated with the number of unprotected vaginal sex acts with female sexual workers, lower self-efficacy for condom use, greater use of illicit drugs, and more financial need (Semple et al., 2010).

Cognitive and emotional symptoms include obsessive thoughts of sex, feelings of guilt about excessive sexual behavior, the desire to escape from or suppress unpleasant emotions, loneliness, boredom, low self-esteem, shame, secrecy regarding sexual behaviors, rationalization about the continuation of sexual behaviors, indifference toward a regular sexual partner, a preference for anonymous sex, a tendency to disconnect intimacy from sex, and an absence of control in many aspects of life (Carnes, 2000, 2001; Carnes & Schneider, 2000; Coleman et al., 2003; Coleman-Kennedy & Pendley, 2002). Finally, some studies find that sexual addiction is associated with or in response to dysphoric affects (Black, Kehrberg, Flumerfelt & Schlosser, 1997; Raymond, Coleman & Miner, 2003; Reid, 2007; Reid, Carpenter, Spackman & Willes, 2008; Reid & Carpenter, 2009) or stressful life events (Miner et al., 2007).

Attachment theory (Bowlby, 1979, 1982) argued that early attachment experiences affect personal and social life, professional relationships, dealing with stress, mental and physical health and cognitive development. According to recent developments in attachment theory, those who developed a safe attachment style which is not anxious or avoidant during infancy can form healthy relationships in adolescence and adulthood and handle life problems (Uytun, Oztop, Esel & Mdusunen, 2013). Individuals with secure attachment are expected to have low chances of becoming addicted to sex since they regulate and limit their sexual activity more than those with insecure attachment (Zapf, Greiner & Carroll, 2008). Furthermore, individuals who are addicted to sex are looking for sexual activity without the need for emotional relationships and they are more likely to be characterized by avoidant or anxious attachment (Gentzler & Kerns, 2004).

Gay men are diverse with respect to the sexual behaviors they both desire and enact (Moskowitz & Roloff, 2010; Sanderson, 1994). Moreover, gay men differ from other groups in their sexual behavior. Research shows that, on average, gay men have more partners, engage in more risky sexual behavior, and are more likely to seek sexual sensation than other groups, such as heterosexual men, women and lesbians (Bailey, Gaulin, Agyei & Gladue, 1994; Ekstrand, Stall, Paul, Osmond & Coates, 1999; Thompson, Yager & Martin, 1993). But among homosexual men there is variability in the propensity to engage in compulsive unprotected sex. Meyer and Dean (1995) have reported that about 6% of their 149 young New York City gay men (aged 18–24 years) engaged in very high risk behavior, defined as unprotected receptive anal intercourse with multiple partners. It appears that very high risk takers are qualitatively different from other risk takers: they reported more mental health problems, including more drug use and higher levels of internalized homophobia and AIDS-related traumatic stress response. Furthermore, there are moderators of sexual behavior among gay men such as being in monogamous relationships. Also sexual health and sexual health behaviors for example sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) were most influential over the enactment of sexual behavior or desires (Moskowitz & Roloff, 2010).

Few studies investigated sexual compulsivity among heterosexual and homosexual men. Furthermore, to the best of our knowledge, the relationships between compulsive sexual behavior and attachment and sexual preference or orientation have not been investigated before. We have therefore investigated sexual compulsivity and attachment style among populations of heterosexual and homosexual men and women. We hypothesized that secure attachment would be associated with lower rates of sex compulsion. Secondly, that homosexual men and women would show higher levels of sexual compulsivity than heterosexual men and women. Thirdly, we hypothesized that attachment style might mediate between sexual orientation and sexual compulsion.

[thesunnyshow]

EPISODE 41 BONUS ROUND: K-POP CONFIDENTIAL

Name: Kris  Writing Blog URL(s): @peachy-jjh​ 

What groups do you stan? Bear with me, it’s a lot: NCT (OT21), ATEEZ, The Rose, BTS, EXO, Day6, Seventeen, TxT, Monsta X, Stray Kids, GOT7, KARD, SHINee, iKON, N. Flying, ASTRO, B.A.P., Super Junior, Bigbang and I’m in the process of getting into ACE, The Boyz, and Pentagon

Who are your biases? JAEHYUN, Jeno, Kun, Hongjoong, Dojoon, Jimin, Chanyeol, Wonpil, Woozi, Yeonjun, Wonho, Changbin, Jackson, J. Seph, Jiwoo, Key, Junhoe, Jaehyun, Rocky, Eunhyuk, and G Dragon

If you could do one activity with your ult, what would it be? Definitely go vinyl shopping and then just have a conversation over a drink

Why do you think people love idols and their stories so much? I think people can maybe relate to them or identify themselves with some idols and it makes them feel more connected to them. Idols are also overall very admirable because there’s a lot of work that comes with being an idol. They also are usually very loving and respectful towards their fans so in turn, the fans return said love and respect.

Where do you think the line between fantasy and reality should be drawn? I think it should be a very clear line. Having fantasies is essentially harmless and that includes writing or reading others’ works, but I dont think these fantasies should be projected onto one’s actual life or worse, the idols themselves.

What would you do if you met your bias in real life? I’d probably be too starstruck to do anything. If I were to interact with them for whatever reason, I’d probably cry and not be able to get a word out.

Is there a need for reform in the industry? Definitely, at least some parts of it. It’s obvious that some idols and groups are mistreated and I think that needs to change. I also believe this placing of idols on a pedestal and leaving no room for them to make mistakes without immediately being “cancelled” or treated badly needs to change as well. I’ve seen too many idols leave their band over mistakes that they simply should have just been allowed to apologize for. 

If you could be a K-pop star, would you? Probably not, I don't believe I have the work ethic needed. I’m not sure I’d really like that lifestyle.

What would you do if you found out that an idol read one of the stories you wrote about them? I’d be pretty mortified, but at the same time because i need the validation, I’d want to know what they think of the writing XD

Why did you choose to write for a real person vs. a fictional one? As someone who has written for both, I think I look at the story I want to tell as a whole and see who fits it more. However, even when I’m writing for a real person, as mentioned before, that person is more of a character that is inspired by the real person, and not a depiction of the real person themselves.

Has K-Pop changed your life in any major way? Yes, definitely! It’s allowed me to interact with so many new people as well as learn so many new things! It’s also helped me be more confident in myself and more loving towards myself.

[uwu-boll]

Recently, the 2 year anniversary of my engagement passed. I forget the exact date; it doesn't matter to me much anymore. But it did get me thinking about how much of a bad decision it was. I predicated it on the acknowledgement of a love and passion shared between two 18 year olds who got a little too drunk at their first party together and said they wanted to marry each other. To think I was blind to that reality, but it was romance in my eyes; star crossed lovers, high school sweethearts.

The love was real, sure, and we shared many memories together, plenty of which I will never forget. But we were ultimately incompatible. I was overwhelmed by her mental illness, and her absolute dependence on me, and when I couldn't support her emotionally anymore, it destroyed her. When she couldn't handle to see me with other people - platonically - and it affected our relationship in a way that she would lash out at me and blame me, or even herself, and cause huge issues simply over me talking to other girls - platonically.

I had no friends of my own for nearly 5 years. Every time I brought it up she would blame herself but do nothing to change how she felt. She would get mad at me for not having friends and upset at herself whenever I would tell her why I didnt. It was an emotional rollercoaster.

I'm not here to lay down my dirty laundry with keala, nor am I to say she is entirely to blame for the collapse of our relationship. Going long distance definitely was not helping the situation, and my insistence to make it work was probably the wrong move. There were times where I was cruel and intentionally petty to her because of the way she treated me. Does that justify how I was treated? No, but it doesn't mean I'm blameless.

Regardless, the breakup was intense, chronic, and extremely dull. Imagine being bored all of the time. Colors are dull, and boring, and conversations are surreally uninteresting. Video games were the only stimulation that mattered to me, and I buried myself in both games and work to get my mind off of everything. I was spiraling downward, every day was worse than the last and honestly I didnt really care if I lived or not at that point. I had no drive, ambition, or any real sense of purpose. I felt like I was in a rut. I started drinking a lot more that I used to. I picked up drinking casually with Marisol because it was something to do and I didnt want to smoke, but that developed into a borderline addiction. There were weeks where I would go out with friends and get shitfaced every day. I was the friend who liked alcohol. I'm not proud of it, to be frank, but that's how it was.

My point is, losing keala was devastating, but I grew a flock of friends that loved me, genuinely, but unknowingly enabled me. But that flock grew and grew and then it grew to include the person I came to write this post about:

Katie is my best friend, and has probably been my best friend since the moment we met. She and I met through Norms, the restaurant I worked at before I quit a month ago. We met in passing a few times through work, but really clicked that Halloween, where we both got off work at 9pm and spent the next 12 hours talking to each other and driving around. At the time, she was dating this skinny kid named Harrison. He seemed like a nice enough and genuine enough kind of person at the time

Katie and I immediately became very close and became closer and closer as time went on. I had no intention of getting between Katie and Harrison, but, ironically enough, jealousy consumed Harrison as well, as he also grew dependent on alcohol and then lashed out, culminating in his assaulting of Katie, and her uncle. That's a whole story in and of itself, and I'm not gonna get into it. What you need to know out of it is that they aren't together anymore.

As of now, Katie and I are "dating". I say that in quotes because that's the official story. We're trying to downplay things a bit, because everyone "expects us" to take it slow, which is understandable. But we're both very intense and passionate people, and it's hard for that kind of love to burn dimly. But I cant get my mind off of this girl. We are beyond compatible in so many different ways: I cant help but compare her to keala, and I'm pleased to say that Katie and I are so much more compatible than keala and I ever were. Keala was too quiet and contributed nothing. She was shy and introverted and would rather sit and do nothing than be in a production relationship. We were chaotic forces, living in anarchy. We didnt support each other in any way that mattered. Our love was selfish. We had ambitious plans but no means or drive to move forward and grow to achieve them. I needed her to help me move forward, and she was too stagnant in her mental health to grow. Our lack of growth suffocated us.

Katie and I have known each other for almost a year now, but we've spent almost every day of that year together. We have worked together and know how our minds work. We have the same tastes in a lot of things - movies, music, TV shows, literature - we love writing, animals, smoking. We're both open minded and she is extroverted and gives me the boost I need to be more social. She makes me want to be a better person and she genuinely makes me happy.

She took this picture of me (left) and Mario (right) and was blown away by my smile. She had not ever seen me smile like that, and I agreed: I have never been as happy as i am since she and I have been together. I dont even remember being this happy in nearly the past 3 years.

Ultimately, the point of this point is this: I saw that my 2 year had past and thought of how I could still be in that mistake, and I'm glad that I'm not. Instead, I'm in a completely different lifestyle, with a completely different style and a completely different taste, and most importantly I have a girl at my side who has shown me what I have been missing this whole time.

[xadial]

You got me to do them, your turn!! I dont care i you havent reblogged them, im asking you ALL the hozier asksssss

welcome to ramble city

‘Hozier - How tall are you?

you’re so cruel hmph. the top of my head would be 1068′ 1.5″ off the ground if i was stood riiiight on top of the eiffel tower

Wasteland, Baby! - Have you ever fallen in love?

that’s a very very strong word to me and i didn’t let myself feel anything at all until a few years ago, which is weird to say but it’s true in a sense. the answer is complicated i guess? i had one crush for so long that it just pissed me off eventually, and then there’s the shallow kind of ‘oh she’s pretty’ crush i’ve had on a few girls. there’s only been one time where i thought i genuinely might if i got to know them well enough and it’s the most terrifying thing i’ve ever felt. (all of it was however an excellent boost to the amount of poetry i wrote dskjfghsd)

Nina Cried Power - What protest, today or in history, do you wish you could write a thank you note for?

i mean stonewall is the only one i can think of? extinction rebellion is sort of a contentious one because while they do an incredible job they did plan to disrupt heathrow airport by flying drones around it which is going to lose them a whole load more public support than it’s going to gain them

Almost (Sweet Music) - What’s your favorite style of music? Favorite song off this album?

ohhh! lots of complicated percussion/instrumentals in the background (think gold or believer by imagine dragons) and i have a soft spot for violins that can make you feel such powerful but intangible emotions (like in the intro to ‘cypress queen’ by the last buffalo). my favourite song off this album? i can confidently say that they will all in turn be my favourite, one by one, when the universe thinks i need them.

Movement - If you could move anywhere in the world at this very moment, with no restrictions, where would you move to and what lifestyle would you live?

i’ve thought about this one for a while and i honestly don’t know. i wouldn’t want to be in the type of suburbs where grey suddenly becomes the only emotion and you can taste the futility of life every time you breathe (which is a lot of places, my home probably included but for the fact i’ve lived there all my life so i see it as an exception). i wouldn’t want a mansion or a massive house? just somewhere cozy, probably, but for me i think having good friends live with or near me would be the most important thing. oh but very little light pollution and an awesome view of the stars and maybe the aurora borealis/austrialis 

No Plan - What’s one spontaneous thing you did that you have good memories of?

i managed to sneak out at one in the morning to meet a friend who was high on mdma. i know i’m tiny and i should be more scared for my wellbeing than i am but it’s such an incredible, ethereal time and if the world wasn’t slightly rotten at the core i’d go on so many walks around that time. plus mdma makes you really really affectionate and sappy so i was just walking next to a compliment machine with free weed for three hours, which is a very rare and novel experience

Nobody - What’s your favorite thing to do when no one is around?

be ten times more gay and also do a fuckton of spontaneous dancing/humming/singing, also talk to myself at full volume, and also be utterly unpresentable and thoroughly enjoy it

To Noise Making (Sing) - Do you play an instrument or sing? Do you want to learn an instrument?

i do sing. i sing as well as i play football, and in year two (i was five or six) my infant school brought in football coaches, and we were given instructions for some simple moves, and i was enjoying myself when i was called up to the front by the coaches to show the rest of the year my Moves, so i showed them all proud and stuff until a few seconds later the coach pointed at me and said, ‘watch this kids! now you know what not to do!’. everyone can sing. some never should.

As It Was - If you could go back in time with the knowledge you had now, but you had to redo the last ten years over again, would you?

honestly i don’t know. i hate how i was for a good five years of that past ten but i’m very happy with my life as it is right now, so i’d only do it if i knew i’d end up with the same friends (and maybe slightly better grades fsdjfkgsk)

Shrike - What’s your favorite plant or flower?

i don’t have a specific one but apple blossoms, sakura trees and willow trees are definitely special to me. i also love forget-me-nots becuase, huh, that’s half my life summed up. AAAARGHHH i swear i have a favourite but i can’t remember it for the life of me!! (also!! my parents caved to my hippie bee-loving attitude and they’re planting pretty much all the grassy space in my back garden with wildflowers which i’m ecstatic about too, we got enough seeds to cover it all for like £8)

Talk - Who is one writer/artist/creator that you wish you could talk to, dead or alive?

okay i know richard feynmann is a physicist but he wrote books too so technically it counts if i say him. i have so many fucking questions and so little time and if there’s a guy to argue about quantum physics about it’s him

Be - Where is your favorite place to be? In general? Right now?

i want to be home in my room with its incredibly messy decorations and slightly precarious bookshelves with a couple of my friends, in winter, snowing outside because climate change is a thing of the past, curled up with fleeces and hot chocolates watching either killing eve or otherwise something heartwarming and also gay

Dinner & Diatribes - If you could give an angry speech to anyone in the world right now, dead or alive, with no interruptions, who would it be?

ben shap*ro ben shap*ro ben shap*ro ben shap*ro ben shap*ro ben shap*ro ben shap*ro ben shap*ro be

Would That I - What’s your biggest ‘would have, should have, could have’ moment?

most of it comes down to studying or school related stuff. i remember resolving to give up completely on even trying to go to school in year ten and it lost me a whole year, not even of just education, i barely remember anything from it full stop. i also bitterly regret not trying for a scholarship to this fancy boarding school in year six/seven because i don’t know how much different i’d be now but i definitely would be more well adjusted and self disciplined and hopefully ‘smarter’ in the ‘more knowledgeable’ sense. i was a coward and i still am but my god am i better now. i guess it still taught me to be scared shitless and push forward anyway for fear of regretting backing out

Sunlight - What is the weather like where you are right now? What’s your favorite kind of weather?

gorgeous belfast almost-impending-drizzle. it hangs over your shoulder like a permanent threat to destroy your paperwork and turn your awesome fluffy hair into an impeccable drowned rat cosplay

NWFWMB - Have you ever went through a natural disaster?

me, i’m a natural disaster

Moment’s Silence (Common Tongue) - What’s your favorite tongue/language?

i love spanish but i’ve never learned it much beyond school! i also love hearing spoken mandarin? there’s something about it and the way the sounds that makes me v happy. also no joke arabic is the prettiest language i’ve ever heard spoken and im booboo the fool for not realising it sooner like, DUDE??? HOW WAS I NOT AWARE OF THIS????

[peachyjie]

Flame To Ice || Fan Cheng Cheng

A/N: Oh look another scenario for our lovable meme. This is a prompt which is really different from his image, like come one we all know that meme king. But overall, enjoy 💕 DONT U DARE COME AFTER ME AFTER THIS

Requested : By my lovely @itsfanchengcheng ILY 💕 (Go check her out, her content are 👌🏻and she’s real noice)

Pairing : Fan Cheng Cheng - Reader

Genre : Badboy!AU + fluff

Summary : Fear are always on people’s faces when they see him. He, as in the teen who loves trouble, uncontrollable like flames. When with you, he cools down burning off his own flames

————•————

I’m here, take your time

You smiled at the message displayed on your phone. You put all of your things neatly in your bag, ready to get out of campus

You walked out of class to be greeted by Lin Chao Ze, where’s he greeted you in his sweater paws and round glasses in all smiles.

“History sucks?”, he asks. You sighed and nodded. “They started talking wayyyy to deep, and I lost it”, this made Chaoze giggled.

Both of you walked out of the building, out to the front lawn of campus. You searched around for a figure, and Chaoze stared at his surroundings before he stared at you.

“Is he here?”, Chaoze asked his tone in curiosity. “Like usual”, you replied back checking your phone. You were about to make a call before it was snatched away.

Both of your’s and Chaoze’s steps stops, your eyes wonder to the tall silhouette, the culprit who obnoxiously took your phone.

Lin Yan Jun

He smirks at your direction before continued typing in your phone. It didn’t take long before you snatched it away from him.

“Awww, babe”, he slurs out the last word. You scoffed before deleting the number he inputed in your contacts. “Okay now that’s harsh”, Yanjun faked being hurt, pulling a hand to cover his ‘broken’ heart.

Lin Yan Jun, a senior in your department. Friends in the same clique of Lin Chao Ze, but usualloy he wonders around with the popular guys such as Bufan and the others. Hobby, girls. Current interest, you.

“Yanjun”, Chaoze hissed out. “Haven’t I told you Y/N is off limit?”, he glared at the olzder. Yanjun only clucked his tounge, dismissing the younger’s threat.

You begged internally, where is this man of yours? Because you seriously needs some help right now.

“I heard you”, Yanjun said. “But that’s not going to stop me from getting her”, he smirks at your direction.

Chaoze who’s not going to stand in silence, he grabs your hand and in a fast pace and drags you from Yanjun. He’s not going to risk anyone’s life, including his when you’re still in his arm.

It didn’t take you too far before Yanjun catch up with his long limbs. Snatching your arm from Chaoze’s grip.

He smirked, and you wished you can slap that smirk out of his face.

“Why the rush?”, he teased. “We have all the time we need”

“If you’re talking about your life-span, I’m questioning that”, Chaoze said in panic. Trying to pry you off the older guy.

“Forget about that boy of yours, let this man take you on a real date”, Yanjun stared at you knowingly.

You only smiled bitterly, trying to get out from his grasp. “I am happy in what my own commitment right now”, you said still trying to run away.

Yanjun wasn’t having it, he pulled you closer to his side. “What can he gives you that I can’t?”, he leans closer to your side, a hand getting near to your sides

And all of a sudden, a gush of strong wind came to place.

The smell of harsh smoke and leather came into place. While others gasps in horror, you stared in surprise whilst Chaoze was screaming his ass off.

Yanjun’s froze afraid to move, his pupils shaking. Yanjun could feel the piercing glare that was directed to him, he gulps down nervously.

“Touch her one more inch, I dare you”

Chengcheng glared at Yanjun, ready to kill. His arm is circled around your shoulder protectively, his leg raised. He had swung one of his legs ready to break Yanjun’s lifeline, but he only stops in only an inch.

Chengcheng took the opportunity and held you behind him, protecting you. You smiled in adoration, peeking a little from his shoulder.

“I don’t need to introduce myself anymore, do I?”, Chengcheng stared at Yanjun in a provocative gaze. He blew a bubble from his mouth, popping it back in. Chengcheng clucked his tongue, staring down at Yanjun.

Chaoze squeaked a little, staring at Yanjun. He knows the reputation of Fan Cheng Cheng, the wild murderous kid you don’t want to mess with in Campus. The kid who brought a bat not for baseball, but to break the principal’s car window. The kid who’s not afraid to put a fist in your light if you mess with him, mess with you.

Chengcheng walks closer to Yanjun, eyes still fuming. The sound of his shoes crunching the soil, brought more adrenaline in the scene. You held Chengcheng’s hand, stopping him from his step. He stared at you, slowly you could see his cold exterior crumbles.

“Enough, Cheng”, you said softly. Chengcheng brushed your hand off him slowly, gaze warm. “Just a sec”, he said in a soft manner. You sighed and nodded.

Chengcheng stared at Yanjun, smirking. He pulled on Yanjun’s collar, automatically taking the taller male down to him. Chengcheng continued to wrap his hand on Yanjun’s neck, sensing the other male’s nervousness. Yanjun jumped feeling Chengcheng lips near his ear, he cowered.

“I dare you, try going near my lover one more time. I will not hesitate to have blood on my hands”

And Chengcheng threw the male off. He turns back to you, his whole exterior slowly dies down. He took your bag and swung it over his shoulder before circling his arm on your shoulder, pulling you closer to his warmth.

When both of you arrived at his motorcycle, he took your helmet. He sat down staring at you and sighed. “Are you mad?”, he asked. You were surprised, but only giggled.

Chengcheng smiled at that. No matter how people sees him, labeling him as a up to no good child. He always find himself being true when he’s with you. He stared at you lovingly.

“At least this time you didn’t punch them”, you said staring. “Last time you did it, you sent the the basketball captain, Ziyi to the hospital”, he only smile wider.

“Well, who told you to be so beautiful?”, he took one of your hand, motioning circling motion lovingly. He stared at you, the intensity of his gaze could even melt you right now.

“Gotta protect what’s mine”

He pulled you softly into his embrace, hugging you. He rested his chin on top of your head, humming. “Hey, Y/N”, he called out. You hum and stared at him.

“Want to get lunch?”, you nodded. “Want to know what’s on the menu in mind?”, you’re not questioning him.

“Is this another lame pickup lines from Justin?”, you see him pouts. “Oh it is, I’m so over you now”, you said turning away. You heard a small whispers from Chengcheng, and you’ve never cringed so hard in your life.

“Me-n-U”

“I’m breaking up with you”, you scoffed. Chengcheng whined as he pulls your figure back to his embrace. Your back facing his chest, you huffed. “Way to ruin the moment, dumb ass”, you grumbled.

But all for nothing, you’re laughing at his dumb face. A meme

“You’re such a dork”, you smiled. “A meme”, he chuckled. “For a bad kid, you’re so whipped for me”, you teased.

He stared down at you, all soft. “I’m too drowned in you already anyways”, he pecks you softly on the lips. “I’m soft for you, and I am proud of it”, he said catching your in another longer passionate kiss.

“You’re a dork, a lovable dork”, you giggled. He hummed feeling himself filled with butterflies.

“I’m your dork”, He concluded. He smiles at how easy it is for you to melt him down. He knows about his lifestyle, his way on living. He’s a flame that never died down, but when he sees you. He can cool off and be him for a while.

Like changing flame to ice, almost impossible but seems possible.

“Hey”, he called you softly. You looked at him, eyes in anticipation. “You’re mine, remember that”, he kissed your nose lightly. “And I am yours”, he gave out one final kiss before pulling you to sit behind him.

“Always?”, you asked him softly. Your arms slowly took their usual place, circling around his waist.

He smiled feeling your arms circling around his waist, your grip tightens. He started the engine, and drove off.

“Always, Y/N”

[skyecrandall]

ILITW, the ILITW - Chapter 5

Tagging: @alanakusumastan

I hhad another screenshot for this but accidentally deleted it.

Btw. I knew something was going on about Lucas the may Mr.Cooper was talking. At first I thought he would be like, " You are drowing in work and that is affecting your results". Not to use of enhancement drugs.

I know the pressure Lucas is since I'm nearly in the same boat but our situations are differnet. His parents expect a lot from him because they had already achieved much and want him to be able to achieve as much. In my case, my parents haven't really gotten far jn their studies (both dropouts) and did not initially have the best life and careers but with their incredible management skills our lifestyle is pretty decent and they managed to raise me the way that I am. Someone who can achieve a lot and had already proven myself a bit before. They might tell me to do my best and they they are nkt telling me to be perfect, but it just feels bad to me to not get that perfection. It feels like backstabbing and not rewarding them for all of the effort they made to being me up. However i do not deal with those enhencement drugs. Hell i hate anything related to hospitals and medicines and blood and smoke and alchohol and gore.

Still, dont do drugs kids and just focus on soing your best with your natural capabilities. Also dont overexert yourself because you dont want to get burntout and that feeling is the worst.

Back to the game. The snake bit the man wearing a snake polo. Nice touch. I remember someone posting about that back in the days.

My MC has probably seen it, but I havent and i want to see it!

The crow is back! And this time I decided to name it after one of my best friends here, @alanakusumastan , Julia! Plus the Crow's personality fit her so well.

Burn Britney. But not right now. Suffer the following humiliation.

Like they say in french : " Karma is a bitch,"

Aww thats so sad, Alexa play Revenge is Sweeter(Than You Ever Were) by The Veronicas.

--- And some shots from the past chapter that I forgot to include

Ava's power finally developed and im all for it tbh.

[jewpacabruhs]

I was reading your tags and please, for the love of God, write a Mafia AU. I haven't been able to find any good ones.

i wanna so bad! i find organized crime fascinating, & i’m also a big movie nerd, with crime films being my fav genre, so im super into that sorta thing. definitely would love to see it, but o boy, maybe ill jus write it myself?? gotta do everythin myself haha

i’d def go the historical route, so it’d be interesting to try to both apply characters that are firmly rooted in 90s/2000s behaviors & beliefs, and stick them in the 1900s. oh, boy, writing historical stuff is a pain. so much research. worth it tho, if it’s done well. aye, and it’ll be cool to try to keep it as nonfictional as possible. like, attempting to insert the kids (as adults, obvs) into crime history. i wonder if i could do tht? it’d be fun. it’s definitely uncharted waters. there’s a lot of potential there.

but, hmm, i think mafia aus are so rare in fandom (not just the sp fandom, but across the board) bc they contradict everything that’s popular in fanfic. mob aus would feature violence, business, finances, and corruption. whereas fics prefer cuddles, leisure time, a world where money aint an issue, and wholesomeness. and considering the majority of fic is written by horny and/or love-starved teenage girls who dont know or care about the aforementioned subjects, it makes sense. kinda a bummer, but understandable. in the defense of like everyone, lmao, those sorta fics take a lot of planning, & aint nobody got time. so i get it.

oof i think a major thing too is how gay-centric fic/fandom is, when the mobster world is undeniably a heterosexual one. thats an issue. shit, i wonder how many gay characters i could get away with while keeping it realistic. i mean, im sure there were gay mobsters, in fact i’ve read about a couple, but the lifestyles did not go hand in hand, lol.

IM STUPID NO ONE CARES ABT THIS DUMB SHIT HERES IDEAS

i’m thinking 1940s new york. im inclined towards kyman, as u probs kno, but again, the gay thing. huh. maybe i can figure it out. maybe theyre young bachelors, and theyre business partners & fuck around sometimes. we’ll see. anyway. if we’re gonna include all characters….

cartman would pull a goodfellas - he’s of, what, german descent? hell, considering his parents, he probably wouldn’t even exist in this universe. eh. well. he’d def be from yorkville, manhattan, cuz tht was a german neighbourhood. anyway he’d weasel into the italian mob, bc he’d be into the idea of 1) exorbitant amounts of money, and 2) being feared/respected. his authoritah! psh. and someone would notice how smart he is & mentor him, regardless of nationality. he’d quickly make enemies, though, because he’s rude & brash. he’d also quickly become one of the most respected young dons (would he reach that level, without a family? doubt it. he’d have to become a made man, which i believe is reserved exclusively for italians ….. ehhhh ill figure it out. maybe he’d branch out, start his own crime family. that’d be interesting. ooo.) damn, ukno, i think the 40s would make a real interesting character out of cartman. huh. yah, that’d be cool to explore, how that time period would shape him. like i said, he likely wouldt even exist. did the denver broncos exist back then? doubt it

kyle would get wrapped up in the jewish mob (which existed, and which i’d personally l o v e to be a part of lol - if i was born 100 years ago), maybe while trying to protect ike from getting involved? that’d be cool. maybe he’d demonstrate his brains & be offered a job as an accountant or an attorney, and he’d be forced to comply, either bc 1) his fam was threatened if he declined, or 2) his fam was doing bad financially & needed it. maybe both. hell, maybe he avoids the jewish mob & gets involved with the others. MAYBE IKE IS THE ONE IN THE JEWISH MOB & WANTS HIS BROTHER BACK FROM THE ITALIANS. OOOOOOOOO also they’d be from brooklyn, likely, bc that’s where jews were primarily located back then. u kno there was 400k jews in new york in 1899?? including my great great great grandparents. that’s a shit ton of jews lol. lil fun fact for ya. 

wait ok so oof this is hard now, bc the mob was primarily divided into three chunks - the italians, the jews, & the irishmen. there was also the puerto ricans, but that was, like, a different division. i’m mentioning this because nationality was important to mobsters, to all organized crimes groups actually, but south park doesn’t make a habit of mentioning what countries each character’s ancestors came from, lol. so it’d be a lot of writer interpretation. and that’s cool and all, but doesn’t give me much to work with, considering most of the kids are white and likely german/england-descended. 

i could make kenny & butters irish. that’d work. i think kenny’s last names irish, actually. they could be from hell’s kitchen, which had a p hefty irish-american population. maybe i could make stan irish, too. wendy might be able to pass for italian (little italy manhattan??? maybe the bronx??? im tryna think geography lol. for scale.). that’d work, if i wanted to put some stendy in there, bc i love making stan the token het guy, haha. maybe wendys dad marries her off to stan to form an alliance between the italians & irish. that’d be interesting. maybe cartman was rallying to get wendy to marry him, bc he needed to marry someone bc of, like, societal expectations, & she was the only girl who caught his interest. maybe he declares war on stan, to win back the bride he wants. maybe kyles best friends w stan, tht happened somehow, & interjects. goes to meet cartman to discuss a way out - ohhhhh theres my kyman babay!!! oooooo!!!

omg. plot forming. this is def an interesting concept. maybe i can use it as a chance to write a plot-oriented fic that doesn’t rely heavily on ships. that’d be awesome. i’ve wanted to do that for ages.

maybe we can squeeze christophe in as a french immigrant, maybe an associate of someone. same with gregory, but, like, british. that’d be fun. craig & tweek can be somewhere in there, too. associates of cartman or something. maybe they own a brothel. oooh. who else. bebe! maybe she can be a cabaret dancer who someone falls for. nothin wrong w hetero nonsense if it’s done right & if it aint nonsense. yah? maybe she can be ken’s love interest. also maybe token & nichole can be in there somewhere, from harlem?

this sounds fun as fuck, though, def. im really obsessed with new york right now, so maybe writing this could be a love letter to its history. that’d be dope. ooh, and im from las vegas actually, born & raised, so maybe i could do a chapter set there, considering the mob was very influential in the strip’s development. that’d be rad. holy heck. im excited abt this now. gotta finish oboitd asap & get into this, haha.

o shit. i jus realized, like, just how much research i’d have to do. like, not only about organized crime, abt 40s slang & dress, abt new york, abt everything. oooh boy this is a Project

ill get on that eventually haha, im into it now. it’s 4am rn tho so ima sleep, gnite anon

[ufointhesky]

I dont identify as bipolar but i do identify as a creative, the difference is I don't perceive to be openly diverse to all groups but only the truely exceptional ones. So in this way, I think the term is spectric - u know like you're friendly with friends and not with strangers or how a street cat would turn vicious towards animals if it didn't find food. I don't think bi-polarism exists, maybe ptsd and adhd do but those are side-effects of your lifestyle or the tasks you are given or you give yourself. Often times, I don't think it is a disorder to be spectric either, u know how I like chiaki and junko both, well they both have disorders where one plays as multiple characters in videogames, and the other has multiple personalities within herself and they both assist them with their lives... I would say there's multiple types of spectric personalities.. same way there's yandere's or tsundere's in manga but society doesn't have the proper term for people who suffer from "bipolarism", most of the time it's the bullshit around them too.. for instance - a security expert working on iOS is hostile towards others bc she knows how to read the code inside databases or the things the devices tell them back... but me being set aside and focus on the real world am not hostile but open to ideas from others most of the time including hololive, valve, and rockstar games because without them developers suffer and every company under apple does too. I think it just has to do with how you think of yourself too, whether if you're an asset of a corporation, or you’re being played by the rest of your co-workers. In most scenarios I would steer away from thinking management gives a shit, and focus on your ideas instead.. the trick to life is thinking you're not working for someone else - you're working for your future self or your kids futures and in that way you don't think of ceo's as more than you but is a way to tell them you can overthrow them if they misbehave and i've personally told managers before civilian arrests are a thing. If restaurant workers ever found out the managers are making 3x to 5x their required incomes but only giving them 10 dollars an hour (1x) everyone would quit.. it is honestly an awakening to see people like myself too, just discover the bs i didn't know when i worked for people like that. I am not sure on that stat tho, many people report that all it takes for a restaurant chain to make more would be twenty cent difference in one of their items... and their wages would be at 22 per hour? well i am sure this is everywhere in the US because managers don't actually go to college and instead rank up from within the restaurant so they also have dreams and use those employees and garnish their wages to buy themselves homes and cars and that alone is a 3 to ten to twenty year process for most people i think, and if the highest rank is a manager no wonder most people are mad at them. proper management would be someone who has gone to college is shift lead, and they do the accounting while everyone works instead of working at a separate building in most areas but college people think they have special priviledge's and they pay themselves even higher salaries than the managers that actually train the employees and stuff.

[littlebabycrybtch]

ok ik bitches are still going to complain but i gotta rant to keep my shit together;;; ngl after being stuck co-raising two babies now i really feel genuinely Disgusted by unnecessary parent critique. like it actually makes me feel so viscerally upset and depressed when i remember nobody gets this or cares to and probably just wants to call out what im doing wrong, instead of lend me a hand to do it better. man im not treading lightly here the ‘no excuses’ mentality is literally Inhumane to parents and dehumanizes them as these superhumans, they arent, they are people trying to take care of themselves Plus One. there Are ‘excuses’ for not being perfect. just bc every child deserves perfect doesnt mean it can be given and that fucking SUCKS but that is one of the only times im comfortable saying; ‘thats just life’. you cant magically make life better for kids the way you think, you’re not a protector, you’re their Rock to teach them How to DEAL with what life brings, that means you’re allowed to struggle with it too. childcare is like this cosmic design to work you physically and mentally to the brink, fucking forget the normalization of how many people you think you’ve seen raise kids and done fine, it is harder than you can even fathom. they probably did not do fine behind closed doors. the parents with the best behaved and most obedient kids probably did harmful things to make them that way that will eventually come back to them, the parents with the happiest most well adjusted kids probably had the money to provide the extra care for that. there are ‘excuses’. idc if it fucking annoys you or w/e, i dont like being the bitch that says stuff nobody wants to hear, but you truly deeply cannot 100% understand unless you are raising kids, i dont say that to hurt your feewings or exclude you, i used to think that way, i say it bc when you see me passed out on the couch while my nephew gets into something dangerous, its because i got one hour of sleep that night while he kicked me in our bed for 4 hours. he cant help not knowing how that affects both of us, but i cant help being affected by it just cuz im supposed to be ~the big strong adult~, bc i am not a fucking xman. i CANT pretend it all away. while im sitting there napping im also waiting for my mental health meds to start working. im also dizzy from not eating. it sucks that he gets into shit sometimes. hes still gonna get into shit sometimes, and i can do my best, but if i sit here worrying that karens are gonna get pissed abt that and work myself even harder im gonna straight up explode. who does that help. who does me falling apart help. come babysit my kid for free if you wanna help me bitch!

parents are doing twice the work of a normal person while also teaching one of these people theyre caring for, how to BE a person. i used to be SO pro judging parents and im literally nauseated by the judgments now. “i cant believe this parent looked away and their kid got hurt, i cant beleive they just leave them there with a tablet or a snack or a toy while they nap, i cant believe they let them do that, i cant believe--” btich you literally have no idea how lucky you are that they are not both already dead. you are so lucky tehy are both alive and the parent isnt hospitalized for mental health or even physical exhaustion, or addicted to a stimulant (which includes caffeine), or using smth to relax like weed or alcohol (hello wine mom culture), or the kid isnt traumatized from watching their parent have repeatd breakdowns. that is literally better than most situations already. no matter how impossibly perfect the family could be in your mind, kids fuckin get hurt and they make mistakes and the PARENTS make mistakes bc theyre PEOPLE and yall this blows my mind that ppl dont realize this but,,,,, Little kids??? THEY DO NOT LISTEN TO THEIR PARENTS bc they essentially CANT..... for like YEARS there is a period they WILL NOT LISTEN TO YOU at ALL while they have the full autonomy and smarts and strength to cause horrible consequential problems, they are capable of learning how to circumnavigate your ‘babyproofing’ in new ways every single day, but they have ZEROOOOO MORALS OR CAUSE AND EFFECT SKILLS to understand RIGHT FROM WRONG, NO MATTER HOW OFTEN YOU TELL THEM!!!!! IT WONT CHANGE, ITS LITERALLY A PHYSICAL BRAIN THING THAT THEY CANT LEARN WHAT ‘NO’ MEANS FOR A WHILE YET!!! THIS CAN LAST FROM AGE 1 TO 4, SOMETIMES LONGER! THATS GENUINELY INSANITY INDUCING FOR THE ADULT WHOS KEEPING THEM IN LINE HUNDREDS OF TIMES A DAY, KNOWING ITS AMOUNTING TO ALMOST NOTHING UNTIL YEARS LATER!!!! IT DOESNT HELP WHEN PPL JUDGE YOU AND DONT BELEIVE YOU AND THINK YOU JUST ARENT ~TRYING HARD ENOUGH~! holy FUCK dude, idc if you wanna judge, im losing it bc i am being forced to keep my cool while a child whos pinching me and genuinely HURTING and BRUISING me laughs in my face bc he truly DOES NOT KNOW this, and there is NO WAY for me to convey it to make him stop at the moment!!!! thats maddening!!!

listen to me, neither of you dying or experiencing lasting damage is literally the goal every day, not just ‘raising them’, but that you both survive to the end of it. im appalled by how different the lifestyle is and the way ppl just... dont know that/REJECT that information so they get to judge. ofc tiny vulnerable innocent kids deserve the best, parents cannot always provide that if they want to Survive, bc they also deserve , basic understanding and humanity. you call out abuse all you want, theres a difference between the 'lesser of two evils’ choices, or even the genuinely Bad choices you can Accidentally make when at your wits end (which you should immediately correct anyways), and ever causing intentional physical or mental harm to the child, but the secodn yall start nitpicking or blatantly being ignorant to a struggle just so you get your blame validation in i literally cannot AFFORD to give you the time of day, im busy running on minutes of sleep, so if you think i have enough free time to entertain ur whining that my kids got a messy face and has been on his tablet in a highchair for an hour or w/e, idc, im using that time to shower for the first time in 2 weeks bc nobody else is gonna be there for me to let me do that shit :) so frankly put your money where your mouth is and help struggling parents whenever you can. i cant make shit better out of thin air.

“oh, but i dont have the money to help you.” YOU THINK IM AFFORDING CHILDCARE?? YOU CAN COME OVER AND HELP DIRECTLY WHILE I DO CHORES. “oh, but i dont wanna babysit for my friends, i dont like kids.” OH REALLY?????? OH YOU DONT LIKE KIDS??? BC THEYRE DIFFICULT MAYBE ??? SO MAYBE YOU SHOULDNT JUDGE WHEN ITS HARD THEN????? LIKE YOU RLY THINK JUST ‘LIKING THEM’ SUDDENLY MAKES IT EASY FOR ME?? YOU THINK ME FINDING MY NEPHEW CUTE AND LOVING HIM AND HIS LAUGHTER GIVES ME FUCKING SUPERMAN POWERS TO DEAL WITH THIS???????? “but You chose to have kids” rt in my case i literally didnt and would be homeless if not offering to help care for them but HEY COOL CONCEPT PRO CHOICE KINDA FUCKIN INCLUDES WHEN PEOPLE ‘CHOOSE’ TO HAVE KIDS EVEN WHEN THEY STRUGGLE AFTER, TOO LATE TO FUCKIN COMPLAIN NOW, JUST HELP A BITCH OUT. LIke... bro BRO b R O im losing it stop giving parents the inspiration porn treatment while disrespecting the actual struggles they go thru any time the child actually suffers bc they are unable to shield them from their struggle. can i be real, life literally will not go without struggle. you cannot raise them to have a life better than what the world is, you can do your best but you really cant MAKE it fair. once again this is not a ‘raise the perfect child’ contest you are just . trying to raise them at all. its messy. every single day you will have successes and failures, and you’ll be running on empty, and you’ll be doing that just to make it through to do it again tomorrow, while it slowly (AGONIZINGLY SLOWLY) gets easier each day. im tired of pretending lmao i dont wanna hear you bitches judge parents anymore, i dont wanna hear the stupid ass ‘im allowed to’ shit anymore dude!!!!! for gods sake i can agree with you when some shits just plain wrong but ill never apologize for standing up for myself or other struggling parents even if it makes you uncomfy, i can care about Both the child and the parent at the same time, ig i wont ask you why you seemingly cant. 😶 ESPECIALLY when things like classism and ableism tie in so often with these situations. not to mention racism like im white but hoooo if i hear one more story about a black parents ‘negligence’ in efforts of just trying to help their family, like leaving their kids somewhere during a job interview or w/e, vs the white parents that LET THEIR 10 YR OLDS WANDER AROUND MALLS BY THEMSELVES... im gonna scream. im gonna fuckin scream. its so unfair. fuck off, stop the spiteful ignorance, change this shitty hateful culture.

tldr; you Can care about kids while respecting parents, even when they arent perfect. you can advocate for children while also advocating for parents, and in fact, you should fucking try.

[type-a-nomad]

weekend feb 25

February 25 Sunday

Alright so this weekend has been crazy lazy.  Before I get into my lethargy and the justification for it, I want to address some of the information I forget to include in my general posts.  

One thing I keep forgetting to write down: THEY DONT USE TAPE HERE. My friend Sydney just came over and saw me writing and asked if I had written this down because she pointed this out last week and I totally freaked out.  Because THEY DONT.  It sounds small, but imagine if all of the tape in your life vanished.  WEIRD.  Super fûcking weird.  Instead of tape, they use this sticky white ticky-tac stuff to stick things to the walls.  Tape is better.   Another thing I forgot to write down: I extended and am now staying here until April 14th.  Yay! I came to this decision because the work here is meaningful, and the quality of life is high because I’m by the beach, the people are generally good, it’s a different culture that challenges me, and I am meeting new people almost every day because it’s a hostel so everyone comes and leaves at different times. ANOTHER THING. I talked to Shannon about what the crazy lady screamed at us on Thursday.  It turns out it wasn't all crazy.  The crazy woman mentioned people dying.  When I followed up, she was right.  I did not get a year for when this happened, but probably within the last five years, Shannon said that eight volunteers were walking in the street in the evening.  A drunk driver hit all of them.  Shannon was the first on the scene and one of the volunteers died in her arms.  Two others were in comas for several weeks, and all the others were injured but survived.  I did not press her further on the subject because, obviously, this is beyond a delicate topic.  I can’t imagine the kind of emotional experience that was for Shannon.  Also, she’s an amazing woman.   Shannon is only 28 and basically runs the volunteer program.  She has three adopted kids who she adopted WHEN SHE WAS 24.  Their mother was an alcoholic and a drug addict and I am not sure how Shannon was initially connected with them, but I think she met them all through the volunteer program and eventually interceded.  She is very connected to some of the families of the kids in the program, which I think is a great thing because we meet some resistance from the families sometimes and more communication helps.  It is easy to say that it’s crazy for families to be against their children being tutored, given attention, taught to swim, taken out to play organized sports, and taught to surf.  However, there’s more to the situation.  When you keep in mind the poverty these kids live in and the relatively luxurious lives the volunteers have just because we have couches, a fridge, running water, etc. I completely see why there would be resentment from somebody of that background playing with your kid after school.  Also, I’m sure there is some feeling of resistance against the idea of your kid being a charity case that rich white people use to feel like they're doing good things.  Some of the parents outright tell their kids they aren't allowed to go after school and play with us, that they want them to clean the house and babysit their siblings while their parents finish work.  These kids still come and sometimes they will mention “My mom told me I can’t be here, if she finds out….” and you can just tell that if the parents find out their child came to the program, they might face physical punishment.  That’s how much this program means to the kids.  And that’s how much somebody else offering privileges to your child that you cannot provide them upsets parents.   As for my weekend.  My weekend starts on Friday.  On Friday, it was only kind warm and I went out with Thora to the cafe we found and really like called Melissa’s.  After, I went with her to get her tattoo touched-up, which looked painful.  Then, I went surfing for about 3 hours. My ribs have been sore all weekend since.  I caught a lot of waves, but still haven't ridden any in.  I got the tiniest board and am not practiced enough to handle it.  Hopefully next time I’ll get a long board that isn't as hard to balance. That night, there was a Braai which was nice.  Coll made fantastic butternut squash with spanish and feta.  I almost always eat vegetarian here.  I went out with Thora after we had a bottle of wine with dinner and we checked out a cool bar I’ll probably go back to.   It’s called the boardhouse and it’s very beachy and very South African. Thora is trying to talk me into going vegan and I’m very morally conflicted.  I’ve been thinking a lot about global warming and how hard it is to not feel frustrated and stuck.  I want to just change everything.  I wish I had a billion dollars to buy the amazon rainforest, deploy a fleet of boats to clean the ocean, develop a way of fishing that doesn't destroy entire ecosystems, promote permaculture and make the entire mid-west quit mono cropping, change the meat industry and find more meat alternatives so people stop eating so many cows that pollute horribly, also invent electric airplanes.  I don’t know where to start.  Maybe I need to become God or something and just shake the world with my hands until everything goes back down and fixes itself, like a snow globe.  The permafrost is melting and I’m just sitting here in South Africa, so frustrated I want to scream.  On top of that I am ironically angry at people who just say they can’t do anything and its just too bad.  Like pick up a shovel and plant trees, go vegan, be a better human.  I should definitely lead by example.  I have a lot of ideas and need to start executing more.  I am eighteen and actually realizing my morals in my lifestyle is something that age isn't really an excuse for.  I know how to change things, I just want to change everything and just myself does not feel like enough.  My head is so full.  So is my heart.  

Saturday, Thora was out with this guy named Ramis that she met at a festival.  Ironically, she went to that festival the weekend she got here with that guy who stole money from her.  We decided a good tactic to get over it was to distract herself and just have fun on her vacation, and this guy was nice and interested in being friends/ knew that she was there with somebody else.  Anyways, she was out with him at this really popular food market they have in Cape Town called the Old Biscuit Mill.  I could have done things, but it was cold and rainy and I didn't feel like it.  I ended up spending most of my day laying down and just talking, reading and thinking.  The talking part was first.  I got to call my wonderful boyfriend Mitchell and we talked from 8am-2pm.  You can do the math on that one.  After sitting in bed for that long, the back of my head hurt and I took that as a sign of a level of laziness that I probably shouldn't encourage in myself.  When he went to bed, I got up and ate some pickles and talked to Coll.  Then, I went on a little walk by myself just around a few blocks to stretch my lazy legs.  I got back and made toast with hummus and feta, carrots and hummus, and then Coll was an angel and gave me this amazing pretzel bun that she had bought at a nice market on her way into work.  She loves them and got a few.  She made tomato soup for dinner that night so we got to sample it while eating the obnoxiously large soft pretzels.  YUM.  I took two of these activated charcoal pills that my friend Whitney takes every morning and says they suck toxins out of your body.  Then, I sat in the hammock and read my book.  I am currently reading “A Little History of the World”, which is absolutely fabulous.  It just summarizes everything I’ve learned in history in the past 5 years of my life.  Totally fantastically unpretentious, interesting, and to the point.  10/10, highly recommend, 5 stars on Yelp!, all that.  I can’t say I’ve ever read a book as old as it and feel like I’m talking to somebody right now. I felt kinda weird all day Saturday, but I assumed that it was because I didn't really eat while I was on the phone with Mitchell so I didn't eat until way later in the day.  We had dinner, soup and bread, at 6 ish and after I went almost straight to bed because my tummy was nauseous.  I thought I could just sleep it off.  How I was wrong.  I sat in bed for around 2 hours.  The nausea was so bad that I couldn't sleep and after the first hour I started to think I might puke but fought hard against it.  Firstly, I hate throwing up.  Secondly, the toilets are all the way across the property, and I didn't want to walk all the way over there, puke, and then go back to bed.  Turns out, that’s exactly what happened and it was even worse because I had fought against it.  I ended up running out of my bed, holding my mouth and willing myself not to puke until I got to the bathroom, walking barefoot, past all the other partying residents of my hostel, to the bathroom.  Right before I closed the door to the bathroom, I started projectile vomiting.  All over the floor, doors, wall, toilet, everything.  I spent the next 10 minutes puking and the next hour sitting in my own vomit cleaning it up.  My clothes, face, and hair were entirely covered in puke. It was a lovely experience.  I walked backed to bed covered in vomit and shame.  Then I showered and changed and drank water.  Big mistake.  I got up again and vomited all my water out into the kitchen sink and then went back to bed.   Sunday has been weird because I have been recovering from puking all day.  I dragged Thora to the mini mart to buy ramen and soup-powder to try and trick my body into eating something.  I also got vitamin water and a lemon popsicle.  I sat in bed for most of the day, made some ramen.  Had a really nice and long conversation with one of the interns here named Matt.  He is from Norway and is here with his fiancé Kaia.  We talked about psychology and mental health and the consequences of the stigma surrounding it.  He was feeling sick too so we bonded over our misery.  Today, Thora left and a new girl from New Castle, England moved in.  Her name is Dani and she plays american football.  She’s a linebacker.  She’s very VERY English.  She says “innit”, and “proper” instead of “really” or “super”, and her accent is sometimes so strong it’s hard to understand.  I think she’s nice enough but I don’t think we are going to be that close.  She isn't interested school or news or politics, which isn't the actual problem it’s more of a symptom of how our minds are different.  I need to make some friends but don’t have the energy at the moment.  I want another really cool person to just kinda pop up, like Thora.  Or maybe I won’t.  Being alone is really not that bad of a thing, I just need to stop compensating for it by using technology.  Self-improvement is an ongoing battle.  My ramen was good but I am out of food and just ate my last stuff: half a jar of pickles.  Not sure what I am going to do for dinner, probably just eat my lemon popsicle and some ginger biscuits I also got at the market.  I also hear you can make scrambled eggs in the microwave.  The stove here doesn't work so I made my powdered soup with the water-boiling tea pot thing and can only make my eggs with the microwave.  I’ve seen it done, I just don’t know how I feel about it.  I’ll probably just go to bed.  I was invited to go out to Italian food with Linda, Whitney, and Coll, but I’m not sure if I feel up to all of that.  I’m really tired *yawns*.  I just wish I had some hot pesto pasta already made and my own bed.  Tomorrow I’m going on a wine tour with Thora which will be fun.  She’s staying in Muisenberg for a week and then going back home to Sydney.  It will also probably be good to change out of the PJs I’ve been wearing for about 24 hours now, including to the mini-mart this morning.  

Peace, Q

[newshirtonlines-blog]

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[nerdepic]

Why are you concerned if someone reads m/m fiction? Why would you be concerned even if they were fetishising gay lifestyles?

shrimp heaven now

also fuck it im passionate about this so meme aside the explanation is under the cut

stories that fetishize show off harmful stereotypes, usually feature unsafe sex, and romanticize abuse. they treat gay people like playthings, like meat, instead of a rich, diverse group of people with their own stories, struggles, and lives.

featuring unsafe sex could easily lead to injury. a gay kid could read that and see it as true. an abuser/groomer could send that to their victim to persuade them into preforming the act. this is what my abuser did to me, making me read fifty shades to get me to preform for him, roleplay with him, and it lead to 13 year old me being groomed. he said he would kill himself if i left him, and out of fear i sent nudes inspired by the stories he liked to get him to stay. 

“but people dont just COPY whats written!!!” they do, dude. kids are impressionable, and especially kids who use fic to learn/explore their sexuality. hell, even adult can be impressionable. if theyre told “this feels good” theyre gonna probably try it. 

onto the romanticizing abuse: again with how my abuser hurt me, making me read fifty shades where they do romanticize stalking and abusive behaviour (and ignoring safewords so, rape, really), and me seeing that and thinking Thats The Way Things Are. also its fucking gross to write a story where the victim loves abuse and wants more what the fuck is wrong w yall there. Nasty.

“but people dont just BELIEVE whats written!!” they do! theres people this day and age who STILL think sharks are mega violent ultra super mega dangerous and need to be killed on sight because of Jaws. theres still people who believe the stanford prison experiment despite its way too small collection of participants. still people who believe spaghetti grows on trees, chocolate milk comes from brown cows, etc. 

because of this, harmful stereotypes in gross fic do pass on to the real world. they affect gay men like myself and my friends. because of this, abuse victims are stuck in relationships because stories have said its normal. because of this, people are getting hurt. 

no, i dont give a shit if people read fanfic, i even write the damn stuff myself, but its when its fanfic actually hurts real living gay people then i have a problem.  

you can write and read fic without including the above, EASILY, its not hard. 

[taeyangdyb]

Giving love a shot part 59

♡Jae’s views ♡

Jay: it’s a family show, you know with all of us….including the kids. 

Jae: oh I see

My whole life, all I wanted was to have a normal life. To be able to go out without camera’s, watching my every move, I’ll be damn to let my kids go through the same mess. 

Byul: I dont know 

Ailee: so, we have to let camera’s into our house? 

Yori: I don’t think I want that much of my personal life invaded 

Loco: so you think it’s a bad idea? 

Yori: I’m not saying that, I just think…..

Everyone’s just here going back and forth, I find it useless it’s either you want to do it or you dont. As always, the final decision will somehow have something to do with me. 

To tell you the truth I’m not paying attention to anything they’re saying, I know that my answer is no.

Jae: you guys can discuss this, and I’m going to change a few diapers, and it’s nap time. 

Mark: I’ll help you *takes baby Jaehee* how do you manage to have food on your hair?

Jaehee:*giggles, touching his face*  

Mark: well I can see you’ll take after your mother, you have a thing for good looking men.

This one on the other hand, wants Jaebum to literally punch him in the face. Leaving them to their conversation and off to take care of my kids, excusing myself. 

◇Jay’s views ◇

Simon: you’re not going to say anything? 

Jay: what do you want me to say? 

Jae left to tend to the kids, unfortunately she didn’t get to eat anything. We left the dinning room to go somewhere else to talk. 

Byul: that’s a no from me, I’ve been friends with Jae long enough to know how much of a pain in the neck this lifestyle is. I think I want my kids to enjoy life as normal as possible. 

Gray: that’s it? 

Byul: yes, you wanna do the show, go ahead. My kid and I will take no part. That’s my final answer.

The other girls just didn’t want to say anything, but I know the whole thing is going to fall on Jaeha.

After everyone finally left, thing 1,2,&3 are sleeping time for me and Jaeha to talk. I checked on the kids before going in  my room 

Jay:*stands by the door crossing his arms*

Jae:*smile*  what *finish putting her hair in a bun* 

Jay: look babe about-

Jae: want to take a bath with me? 

Jay: What? 

Jae: you know like old times *uncrossing his arms and wrap them around her* mhhm? 

Jay: in one condition 

Jae: anything 

Jay: anything? 

Jae: yeah

Jay: I want you to give me a massage 

Jae: okay

Jay: wearing a lingerie 

Jae: *kisses him* okay.

Jay: okay then let’s go get wet 

Jae: already am 

Jay:*smirk* babe you keep this up, we gonna end up with 6 kids.

Jae: I rather the process of making them.

Is she alright? I was expecting her to be pissed off. Am I being tricked or something?

Jay: Jaejae are you mad at me? 

Jae: baby of course not, why would you think that? 

Jay: I don’t know,  I thought you’d be mad at me because of the show and such. 

Jae: I’ll wait for you in the water. 

After joining  her in the water. Having Jaeha leaning on me, my arms around her is one of the most comfortable things I’ve ever experienced. Regardless of how many time we do it, it’s always been so relaxing and comforting, I’d  take it over anything.

Jae: baby?

Jay: mhhm

Jae: isn’t it weird that we’re taking a bath at 4PM

Jay: no

Jae:*giggles*

Jay: Jaeha?

Jae: yea

Jay: I love you, baby I love you so much, that everyday I wake up to go to work I always thank God, for making you the first and last person I see to begin and end my day.  

Jae: we’ve come a long way didn’t we? Who would’ve thought that we’d made it this far? Married, let alone have kids. 

Jay: I did, When I found out that you were pregnant, I was so scared.

Jae: of?

Jay: everything. I thought to myself, how can I be a good dad when I’m not even a good husband? No matter how hard I try, I always screwed up. 

I really don’t want to ruin a a perfect moment, but whenever I’m with Jaeha like this, I can’t help but to feel guilty, for how I’ve treated her over the years. 

Jae: we should get out of the water. 

After getting out of the water I went to check on the kids. Well they have someone watching them but I still want to see them.

*Back in the room*

Jae: what you think? 

Jay:*Just out laughing* 

Jae: what? 

Jay: I thought we agreed to lingerie 

Jae: we Did? 

Jay: you’re wearing my t-shirt 

Jae: but.. it’s over the shoulder.

Jay:*sigh slouch on the floor* 

Jae: what’s wrong? You don’t like it?

Jay: of course I do, you look good in anything 

Jae: then what? 

Jay: nothing

Jae:*sits next to him on the floor* look the only way I see it, is that everything happened for a reason. Everything that happened to us, or between us during this relationship is to prepare us for now, and later. We have three children. We had to go through these stuff to help them later on. When they going through heartbreaks. I’m not going to lie, sometimes I think about a lot of the things that happened, some parts of me wants to choke the life out of you and also hit you with a frying pan.

*both laughs*

Jae: but, there’s also the part of me that loves you so much that I can’t, and I don’t know where the pans are . That same love made ran away and brought me back to you. Now married, with the three musketeers. Yes  the memories will sting, but you know despite everything that happened, not once did I say out loud or in my head that I hated you. Yes the past hurt, the only thing I regret is not hitting Yuri and I still have that in my to do list. I’m just letting you know. 

Jay: baby, I’m sure you have a really great point somewhere. 

Jae: oh right I got distracted 

Jay:*smile* 

Jae: so uh… I 

Jay: you forgot?

Jae: *sigh* yeah

Jay:  Okay, tell me when you remember.

Jae: okay *stands up* so 

Jay: *stands up* so 

Jae: I was thinking *wrap her arms around his neck* 

Jay: thinking about? 

Jae: well… you’re not mad at me are You?

Jay: of course not. Why’d you think that? 

Jae: you know because of the offer and all your friends seems to want to do it.

Jay: Baby, me and the guys work together on a professional level, we’re friends, we make decisions together for music only, but when it comes to you, my family? We you and I make those decisions. I didn’t tell you about the offer because I knew you’d say no. I want our kids to have a normal life just as much as you do. I didn’t tell you because I know we’d both say no.

Jae: okay, so now something important?

Jay: what? 

Jae: about the your massage 

Jay: what about it? 

Jae: well-

Jay: you wanna make babies? 

Jae: not what I was gonna say but since you mention it 😆

My wife is special 

following weeks get super busy, and I hate it. I barely spent any time with my kids, my wife. They are growing up so fast, already  trying to walk. I’m sitting in this studios going crazy.

Jay:*calls Jae* 

Jay: hey 

Jae: hey baby 

Jay: what are you doing? 

Jae: mhhm the three musketeers just took their baths, now they’re not really in the mood to  get dress

Jay: just let them be.

Jae: babe They’re going to pee on the bed, what about you? What are you doing? Did you eat lunch?

Jay: no, I can’t focus on anything right now

Jae: how come? You Okay? 

Jay: I miss my kids, I miss you. When I get home you guys already sleeping and when I leave in the morning you guys still sleeping. 

Jae: you could’ve waken me up

Jay: sweetheart you babysit 3 energetic kids everyday, you wake up in the middle of the night to feed or tend to them. I can’t wake you up. 

Jae: I’m also your wife 

Jay: *sigh* Imma call you back in a bit. 

Jae: okay. *hangs up? 

*knock on door*

Jay: come in 

Simon: you good man? 

Jay:*sigh* 

Simon: What? 

Jay: I miss my family. I haven’t spent anytime with the kids, Jaeha in weeks. 

Simom: you miss them? 

Jay: like crazy 

Simon: go home 

Jay: I have a load to finish.

Simon: well then focus and finish

Jay: I can’t….I just can't 

Simon: well then take a break.

*hours later*

I’ve been trying to take a nap, each time I close my eyes someone knock literally every 10 minutes-

*door knock* 

Jay: yes come in 

…..

Jay: come in

……

Jay:*went to the door*  I said- hey who’s? *looks down and see’s the little person trying to crawl in* 

Jae: surprise 

Jay: what are you guys doing here? *pick the baby off the floor* 

Jae: we thought you can use some cheers 

Jay: where’s-

Jae: sleeping

Jay: oh 

Jae: I was gonna come earlier but, some people were not feeling like they wanted to put on clothes. 

Jay: *smile*

Jae: you’re a great role model 

Jay: you can take some credit to 

Jae: no it’s okay, you can have this one.

Jay: how you feeling?

Jae: I’m alright, why? 

Jay: you look a bit off 

Jae: really? 

Jay: yea, I thinking you’re going to be sick 

Jae: I don’t feel like it 

Jay: you should go get a check up 

Jae: I’m fine 

Jay: can you please listen to me?  for once

Jae: okay okay okay I’ll go in one condition 

Jay: that Is? 

Jae: you work 5 days a week, two days for us.

Jay: babe honestly-

Jae: Jay, Babe, sweety I know you’re busy, I know you have a lot going on. But the kids are getting bigger by the day, and I think you should spend time with them, it’s not like I’m asking for me. All I’m asking is 24hrs to spend with your children, I don’t want them to grow apart from you.

Jay: okay starting next week 

Sadly the following week went and nothing changed. Jaeha and I starting to argue more and more and she is right, the older they get I begin to see the difference. 

◇Jae’s views ◇

Jay and I has been at it. All I want is for Jaebum to spend time with his kids, I know the whole feeling of not growing up with parents, and I don’t want that, but no I’m the worst person ever. 

Since the birth of the kids, I literally have not had a night to myself, to just hangout. I love every part of being a mom.

Jae:*calls Byul* 

Byul: hello

Jae;….

Byul: you Okay? 

Jae: …

Byul: do you want me to come over? 

Jae: please

*2hrs later* 

☆Byul’s views☆

Byul: so I brought pizza, Fruits, Ice cream,that spicy chicken sandwich that you like, cheesecake, carrot cake, and smoothie. where should we start? 

Jae: pizza 

Byul: where’s the little J’s? 

Jae: with their grandparents, spending the day. 

Byul: why are you miserable? 

Jae: I don’t know it’s just-

Jay: hey Byul

Byul: hey, 

Jae: hey Jaeha 

Jae:…. hi 

Jay: are the kids sleeping? *walks to their room* 

Jae: *puts two slices of pizza together and starts eating* 

I’m not sure if I should get involved in this. But knowing Jaeha for that long, I doubt she’s going to tell him anything. 

Jay: where’s the kids? They’re not in the room.

Jae:*focuses on eating*  what do you want to watch B? 

Byul:*looks at Jay* uhm…anything…

Jay: Jaeha where are kids? 

Jae: I feel like drinking wine? Want some?

Byul: I’m driving 

Jae: one glass won’t hurt, wait here *walks to the kitchen *

I literally can’t say anything because I know exactly what she is going through, I get why she might be worried because of her parents. She grew apart from her parents like that. Jay himself don’t look too in the mood for that. 

Jay eventually had to leave, and no Jaeha didn’t tell him anything. 

*later at home* 

Byul: hey mom

Mom: hey, how was she?

Byul: same as me but times three.

Mom: did you tell her you and Gray are fighting?

Byul: no, cause she’s fighting with Jay herself. She’s just worried that the kids won’t know their father.

Mom: did she tell you ?

Byul: no, just my opinion? 

Mom: well I have to head back home,  your father’s waiting for me. 

Byul: okay mom, I’ll talk to you later call me when you get there. 

I spent the night waiting for him to come home, but didn’t make it till 2AM.

Gray: B you still up? 

Byul:*looks at him and then looks away* 

Gray: baby I’m sorry I had soo much to do-

Byul: save it Gray, I really don’t want to hear it. If you hungry your food is in the fridge. Goodnight.  

*next morning * 

Next morning of course I wake up early, I showered and feed my daughter. Now time to clean and do laundry

Before doing chores never used to be a bit easier when I can blast music, but unlike Jae’s kids, my daughter hate loud noises, and this guy’s still sleeping. 

*hours later* 

Gray: *walks out of the room dressed*

Byul: where are you going? 

Gray: I have to go somewhere, I’ll be right back? 

Byul: listen Lee Seong-hwa, I have to go run errands

Gray: take her with you

Byul: did you actually-…. you spent the whole day literally sleeping,  it’s already 4pm putting her in and out of the car is going to take too long.  Now I’m going to get dress and leave. 

*Jay’s Views* 

Turned out the kids spent the day with my parents and she did sent me a text message saying that and a few missed calls, but my phone died. Being so busy I notice the difference on how the kids are now, and before. 

Now, the crawl follows their mom’s every steps, they won’t stay with me unless she’s in the room, I guess that’s what she was afraid of.