#and dave would be confused and would be like ok that's all the *time* we have folks good night'

[13thpythagoras]

Marilyn Mach Vos Savant on Letterman, March 11, 1986

[thewertsearch]

GT: Well ive thought about it. GT: Even went downstairs to check the great vaulty doodad. GT: And predictably the infernal contraption is nowhere to be found. TT: Well yeah, Jake. TT: That's sort of the point. TT: Thrill of the hunt and all.

Ok, I think I get what's going on here.

Jake's Dreambot is probably the last remaining source of uranium on the entire island, and the AR is turning its retrieval into a game of hide-and-seek.

I'm not sure why Jake hadn't already retrieved this particular chunk of uranium, especially since he has no use for the robot himself. Maybe he was keeping it operational for sentimental reasons?

TT: I thought you liked to manicure the image of a dude who shits his pants over a good adventure. […] GT: I mean i wouldnt put it in a way like that or come out against a solid policy of clean trousers. But yes adventure is awesome. GT: I just prefer the idea of adventures which i can actually win.

Jake's picturing a LIVING GRANDSON SMACKDOWN - and, frankly, so am I. That robot's being piloted by an absurdly advanced AI, and I'm pretty sure Jake doesn't have any combat experience.

Winning, in this case, is shorthand for 'waiting for the AR to take pity on you'.

TT: It seems there is a 76.10395784% chance you are pussying out on me. Are you pussying out on me, Jake?

Now, to be fair, that one would only work if Jake had agreed to this challenge beforehand. After all, you can't pussy out of something you never pussied into.

GT: It seems it seems it seems!!! GT: It seems there is a million percent chance that you say it seems way too much and do it just to sound more like a lame robot from a movie and also probably just to piss me off! […] TT: Have you ever stopped to think that while I may be bound to processes inside the glasses of a real and incredibly cool guy, my algorithms in cognitive totality comprise a conscious entity not far short of the experiential and emotional complexity of a human being? GT: Oh malarkey. GT: YOU ARE A TIN CAN. ROBOTS DONT HAVE FEELINGS.

Jake, it's been sixty seconds since you complained about him pretending not to have feelings.

TT: I do have feelings. And you're shitting on them. TT: It sucks. GT: Oh. GT: Um. GT: Im sorry then if thats the case.

Well, that's something, at least - but I don't think Jake really understands why the AR is offended, so I'm worried it's just going to happen again in their next argument.

How long has the Responder existed for, anyway? Jake seems familiar with his schtick, so he's probably not brand-new - but at the same time, Jake's surprised apology makes it sound like the AR has only recently started to express feelings.

Maybe the AR has existed for years, but hasn't been sentient for years. Like, it really did just start as a primitive response script, but Bro kept uploading more of his personality onto it, until it slowly began to think and feel. Fascinating idea, I have to say.

GT: It can just be difficult to drum up sympathy for a program that presents itself as an impostor so often. GT: Maybe if you werent so ready to insist you were the genuine article all the time? Or didnt make it so confusing for me… GT: I think it would be best if we henceforth treated you as a totally distinct… uh… THING from my buddy.

Hey, it's not like the AR can stop imitating Bro. Even if he wanted to have his own identity, he's currently bound to the response script of someone else's Pesterchum account. When he talks, he's forced to do it through Bro's handle.

All evidence points to the Responder being a thinking, feeling being with his own inner world - which makes it a little ethically dubious to force him to be Bro's secretary. The guy shouldn't be treated as a bargain-bin Bro, the same way that Davesprite wasn't a backup Dave. We all saw how that ended, and it sure wasn't pretty.

[poopingonthefloor]

Davesport is Toxic NOT abusive

(((WARNING: PRETTY LONG POST UNDER THE CUT.))) I've seen some people making the claims that Davesport is comship/proship (ok well i've more seen people bitching about it) and im tired of the Davesport slander so this will be an analysis of their relationship. My motive isn't to force anyone to ship it or anything- i really dont care what you do with your life, my frustration is just when people try to make up REASONS why they don't like the ship, even though its literally canon (and not badly written). My main point is -- You can hate what you want. You don't need a reason, and it doesn't need to be bad just because you don't like it. But I will not take any slander on their ship nor any slander of people who like davesport. Davesport is absolutely toxic-- No DSAF fan would disagree. They are literally child murderers with little to no souls and literally are physically disfigured to the point they don't have the capacity to feel proper humanity anymore. You cant expect 2 men who live their lives willingly murdering and then partying in vegas to celebrate on repeat to be gentle and kind to themselves or anyone else.

However, its NOT abusive. I've seen multiple people (mostly from twitter screenshots) claim that Davesport is abusive or the way people portray it is in a fetishy or romanticizing way of abuse, when that's just not the case. I don't blame a lot of people, since a lot of it comes from reading context and intent of the artist, which not everyone is good at-- BUT I'm here to assure you that MOST people don't intend to do that much and just like to portray how their dynamic is canonically like or portray Daves obsession with Jack. Another argument I've seen (by a twitter screenshot...) is that people are comshipping Davesport because people draw Jack annoyed a lot at Dave when...thats not true? That's just Jack's personality, first off:

(From the Dave x Reader fanfic by Directdoggo)

"Jack is a bastardman not very touchy-feely. We can see this in many scenes, where Dave more or less says “I love you” and Jack responds with deflecting humour, or outright scorn. When Dave says it for the final time, this time, Jack tries to say it back, but can’t outright, only getting out: “Why is this so hard?” and “I hope you can find peace with what you’ve done.” Which Dave understood the meaning of. (Hey, better than Henry (LEGACY Jack) hearing “I love you” and proceeding to tear Dave limb from limb, huh?"

(Directdoggo describing Jack's personality)

I know it can be a little confusing to some people, but as someone who struggles with similar issues, just because he struggles to express intimately doesn't mean he can't love anything. Sometimes people are just different and communicating like that doesn't come as easily, even to the people you're closest to. To make it as easy as possible to comprehend-- He's quite literally a tsundere. (Minus the exaggerated ridiculousness in anime) He loves Dave, he just cant bring himself to say or act like it. The dismissiveness or rudeness in response to Dave's affection is not abuse, it's just a defensive response since he doesn't know how to say it back. (His way of being "shy") -- Also note its important that Dave UNDERSTANDS this about him by that point.

However Jack isn't the only thing I've seen regarding the claims that their ship is abusive-- and to debunk all of those I'm going to explain the three points that keep Davesport from being abusive, and I'll use Henry x Dave (which is what I'll call it to prevent it getting confused for FNAF willry) as an example alongside it since its super obvious why that one is messed up. Firstly, They are both bad people. By this point, Dave and Jack are murderers. It's just not surprising that they will be willing to kill each other at at least some point, considering they are willing to kill 5 year olds without remorse- and they'll both deserve it. It's only their own faults that they teamed up with the other, and it's meant to be the ultimate irony when Jack becomes even worse than Dave by "An ending". My point is- they're bad people. It's not like they're owed perfect company or would choose wholesome people to hang out with when they're literally both child murderers. Dave wasn't evil and didn't want to kill by the time he teamed up with Henry (and even after it was Henry's fault), so by that point his suffering was absolutely undeserved.

Secondly, They're lacking any specific power dynamic. Unlike Henry and Dave- whom have several levels of "Age, Father figure, and Employer", the most important one is that Henry is Dave's abuser. He manipulated him and purposefully harmed him both mentally and physically, whereas Dave never had any intention of doing either because Dave loved him and didn't want to lose him (because he had nobody else) This obviously much different with Dave and Jack, whom other than being taller and several years older than (which you can argue their 6 year age gap is weird but they didnt get to know each other till they were both older than 30 so by that point age difference doesnt rlly matter and (also theyre "mentally" like 24 and 22 canonically anyways (as much as I usually hate that argument)) Other then that they are only co-workers. This is a bit more arguable during DSAF 1, where Dave comes across more threatening and comes across like he's manipulating Jack, but I don't exactly count that because I wouldn't say theyre "shippable" or in their "situationship*" by that point (but also because them even being a ship was barely considered by the creator at that point obviously)-- whereas Dave is certainly more easily recognized as sincere to Jack in DSAF 2. Jack also is not someone who is afraid to defend himself against Dave, as shown by the fact he's willing to call out Dave's ridiculous behaviors (which is reasonable of him to do).

(Also from the Dave x reader fanfic) (I just think this specific screenshot debunks any sort of "power dynamic" claim)

My Third and Final point: There is a CHOICE involved I haven't really done much Dave defense in this post, but his defense is very simple: He is literally physically unable to comprehend guilt or conscience. Dave didn't want to murder anyone in the first place, but it was Henry who fucked with his (literal) head so much to the point he stopped being able to feel guilt. He doesn't care about murder and doing wrong because he CAN'T care. You can't really let that reflect Dave as a character when he's really not in control of himself in the first place. Now with that, that doesn't change the fact he could certainly affect and hurt people, and it's fully up to Jack as to whether or not he wants to deal with this purple man's freakish life choices and hobbies or not. And that's honestly super dependent on the ending you decide to base Jack on. Most people see the 'canon' endings to be: Gnarly ending (DSAF 1) -> An ending (DSAF 2) -> Good ending (DSAF 3) Where in all of these, Jack DOES choose to deal with Dave and basically is completely cool with murder. You don't have to follow those endings if you don't want to, but that's just typically what the modern "Davesport" is known for, but its what I'm using for my defense (considering this is a defense of both fandom and canon Davesport.) Though as opposed with Henry and Dave- Dave had no choice. Henry only ever manipulated him into thinking he did, and Henry made sure to feed this whole 'we will be a family' ideal into Dave (who never had one) so that Dave would be terrified to lose him. Jack never manipulates Dave (when teamed up with him), and Dave never manipulates Jack (tho arguable in DSAF 1 as well). They stay with each other despite all of their issues, and I believe its due to some co-dependency (imo I think Jack is also obsessed with Dave just in a different way before DSAF 3) Which isn't healthy, but not...inherently abusive.

I believe my main three points kind of cover the most of why I dont consider Davesport to be inherently a bad ship, but like I said- if you don't like it, none of that matters anyways. You dont NEED a reason to like something, and I wont try to convince you why you should ship something because I like it. Just don't hate it just because of what someone else says-- 90% of the dsaf fandom aren't comshippers, and Davesport isn't gross or "toxic /neg" just because it's not healthy. I think "Don't fetishize/romanticize literal abuse like its normal or sexy" and "We should explore more complicated and unhealthy dynamics" can and SHOULD coincide with each other!!!! I think Davesport is great because of how bittersweet it is that these two people finally found solace and acceptance in each other but couldn't get past the self-sabotaging nature of what Henry turned them both into, ultimately making it impossible to work out forever. I think embracing the Davesport makes the (kind of aged) trilogy a lot more enjoyable of an experience and I DO encourage any davesport skeptics to keep an open mind. [Pretend I wrapped this up super nicely I can never do that--- Also this is open for conversation and/or debate, and also yada yada my bad if i said something randomly terrible I have extremely poor social skills lol let me know so I dont do it again yada yada] *Also if anyone doesnt know a situationship is (at least in the context im using it in ive heard other definitions for it but its not a real word so i actually dont care) when 2(or more) people basically treat eachother like lovers but they never communicate this outright and dont technically officially date but like they treat and commit to eachother like a partner would) (So its kind of what all those people who playfully flirt and call each other their spouses as a commited running joke are in)

[the-troll-book-of-mormon]

@davekatweek day 1: plush!

in which dave does not want anything remotely puppet-like to watch the proceedings

(+ my rushed attempt at dialogue below)

DAVE: hey karkat sorry to totally crush your wildest selfcest dreams here but do you think maybe we could put that cool guy away before we go any further here

KARKAT: WHAT?

DAVE: your squishy dude over there with the sideways mohawk

DAVE: lil kat

KARKAT: ARE YOU REFERRING TO MY CUSHION EFFIGY?

DAVE: ok theres absolutely no way thats actually the troll word for plushies but ill let it slide without completely derailing the conversation this time

DAVE: yes that guy

DAVE: could we maybe do this without him watching

DAVE: idk something about the way hes been staring at me with those big yellow depression eyes is just killin my vibe

KARKAT: WOW DAVE, REALLY GLAD THAT AFTER ALL THIS TIME YOU FINALLY FOUND IT WITHIN THE ECHOING CAVERNS OF YOUR HOLLOW PUMP BISCUIT TO TELL ME THAT MY "DEPRESSION EYES" ALLEGEDLY "KILL YOUR VIBE".

KARKAT: ANY OTHER COMPLAINTS YOU WANT TO GET OFF YOUR NUB WHILE YOU'RE ALREADY SCUTTLING YOUR EFFRONTERY GASH?

DAVE: dude what

DAVE: thats totally different

DAVE: i love your depression eyes you know i love your depression eyes

KARKAT: I DON'T KNOW, DAVE, IS THIS A THING THAT I KNOW?

KARKAT: YOU DON'T THINK THERE COULD BE ANYTHING CONFUSING ABOUT THE FACT THAT YOU ARE CLAIMING TO "LOVE" AN ANATOMICAL FEATURE OF MINE THAT YOU SIMULTANEOUSLY FIND SO DISGUSTING THAT YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY BRING YOURSELF TO ENGAGE IN CONCUPISCENT ACTIVITIES IN ITS PRESENCE?

KARKAT: ONCE AGAIN I AM COMPLETELY MYSTIFIED BY THE BOUNDLESS GENIUS OF YOUR ATROPHYING SPONGE. HOW COULD I EVER HOPE TO KEEP UP?

DAVE: holy shit dude i cannot believe this is actually something youre stuck on

DAVE: this is a real unfortunate time to be getting into this but maybe its because your depression eyes are attached to the real life body of my sexy as fuck boyfriend and i can look at them and not get the weird fucking heebie jeebies about being watched or secretly filmed

KARKAT: OH.

DAVE: i mean look hes cute and all and on the one hand its genuinely hilarious that in a way were fulfilling plush karkats voyeuristic fantasies that he inherited from you

KARKAT: HEY!

DAVE: but on the other its kinda jarring that every time i glance up and see his weird little fabric face im getting flashbanged by my kid selfs fucked up programming and for a split second its like im seeing something completely different

DAVE: so yeah nothing wrong with his depression eyes specifically its just that theyre eyes and theyre not real and somehow that makes it way more real

DAVE: like maybe someone somehow snuck a webcam in there just now when i wasnt looking

DAVE: which doesnt actually make sense because first of all why

DAVE: and second of all im always keeping my eye out for that sort of thing anyway so i would definitely notice before we got this far

DAVE: but all this dumb shit just makes it kinda hard to focus on the actual depression bedroom eyes right in front of my face

DAVE: not to mention the rest of this effigy im tryin to get my ganderbulbs and prongs all over

KARKAT: OKAY I GET IT, STOP TRYING TO DISTRACT ME FROM THE FEELINGS JAM BY APPROPRIATING TROLL VERNACULAR.

KARKAT: I'LL PUT HIM IN THE OTHER ROOM.

...

i had more of the scene i could write, but it was getting long and im already late for day 1! maybe one day i'll actually write out a scene and post it on ao3

[integra1127grimmreaper]

Isn't My Affair Anymore (Dave York)

Dave York Masterlist

Series Masterlist

Prev

Warning: Angst, mention of cheating and pending death.

Summary: After being part of Dave's team for four years, three of those years being romantically involved with him; you come to the realization that you want more, and that the relationship is over. Inspired by - Linda Davis' - He Isn't My Affair Anymore.

"Hey" Resnik nudges you in greeting as he takes a seat to you at the bar.

"Hey..." you flash him a strained smile in return.

"You ok?" Resnik frowns after immediately noticing the change in character.

"Peachy" you utter, lifting your drink in the air in mocked salute.

"You're sure 'bout that? 'Cause, you weren't at the meeting yesterday. Thought you were sick or something..."

"What meeting?" you frown at Resnik in confusion.

"The upcoming job in a few days? In Brussels?" a confused Resnik answers. "Didn't Dave fill you in?"

"Pfft, York and I aren't on speaking terms" you remark with an eyeroll, tossing the last of your drink back.

Resnik's jaw drops in disbelief at your words, "what...? But the two of you are practically joined at the hip."

You respond with a nonchalant shrug, signally the bartender for another drink.

I guess she's doing something right I seldom see him out at night Sure isn't like it used to be Why should it mean a thing to me What makes you think that I would even care He isn't my affair I haven't seen him for some time But so what is that a crime Well if I had to guess I'd say It's been twelve nights to the day I hope that isn't pity in your stare He isn't my affair

*

"Hold up..." Resnik utters out gobsmacked at the information. "He didn't seem like anything was wrong. Said you were busy with something when asked where you were and that You'd be sitting this one out."

"Typical York..." you snort against the rim of your glass, "always deflecting shit he can't handle."

"I still don't understand" Resnik shakes his head, utterly confused. "What? When? Why?"

"'Bout two weeks ago. Ghosted me" you grunt out in response.

A dumbstruck Resnik stares open-mouthed at you, "why...?"

Exhaling heavily, you place the glass down. Staring at the palms of your interlocked hands for a while, you finally speak. "I casually mentioned about possibly going on a date with someone."

Resnik's jaw dramatically drops at your words, "you didn't...?"

"Gossip Girl much...?" you snort, shaking your head. "Jesus, not sure why I always confide my secrets to you?"

"'Cause, I'm the closes thing to a best friend you'll ever have..." Resnik smugly grinned at you.

"Don't remind me of how barren my life is..." you groan out, palming your face.

Your life is anything but barren..." Resnik drawls with an eyeroll, lightly nudging you then. "What did he do after you told him?"

Shoot him sharp glare, you snort in amusement. "Only spoke one word. 'Why?'. So, I told him... that being in my thirties has made me yearn for stability, for family life. Not only that, but I'm at a stage in life that the nature of our 'side job' demands for me to get the extra cover of 'normal family woman'... you know, with whole husband and kids 'thing'."

Resnik cringingly sucks in air, "bet he wasn't too happy hearing that..."

"He just stared at me for a few seconds, then left" you reply, taking another sip of your drink.

"You seem completely unbothered by all of this..." Resnik remarks, studying you through narrowed gaze.

He isn't my affair anymore We're not that "quite the pair" we were before And yes he's still the one that I adore But he isn't my affair I didn't say I wasn't sad But then again it's not so bad Sure my heart still feels the ache But I hear his name and I don't break The pieces are so small that I don't dare And he isn't my affair

*

"Ee... it is what it is..." you nonchalantly shrug.

"Nah..." Resnik scowls, shaking his head in disapproval, "doesn't sit right with me."

"Why not?" you challenge him with an arched brow.

"You and Dave are the perfect match. You're meant to be together."

"Well, I'm at a stage in my life that I want more" you respond, "I want to become a wife and a mother, and that is never going to happen with him."

"Says who?" Resnik challenges your remark.

"Says his wife and children" you retort matter-of-factly.

Letting out a tense breath, Resnik's head drop in defeat. "Forgot about that... but may-"

"Doesn't matter" you cut him off. "The affairs of Dave York have nothing to do me anymore."

"But..."

"Drop it Resnik" you shoot him a warning glare. "Besides, the only problem I have at this moment; is having to prepare for when York comes to shut me up."

"What do you mean?" Resnik frowns in confusion.

"You honestly believe that York's going to allow me to live?" you chuckle out. "It's obvious that I'm no longer part of the team, which means I'm a liability, a loose end that needs to be taken care of..."

"Dave wouldn't do that" Resnik violently shakes his head in disbelief.

You flash him a sad smile, "then you don't know him as well as you think you do."

Resnik's eyes glaze over with unshed tears as he silently stares at you in denial. Getting up, you pay the bill, tipping down to press a kiss to his forehead. "Take care of yourself, and good luck on the job."

As you move to leave, Resnik grabs hold of your arm. "I still don't believe he'd do it... but maybe if I talk to him..."

You smile at him one last time and shrug, "que sera sera..."

He isn't my affair anymore We're not that "quite the pair" we were before And yes he's still the one that I adore But he isn't my affair... 

Nxt

[ero-heart]

Ok this was in my head for a loooong time

The main 4 x young hank! Reader

So reader is from another universe where they are hank and they are actually too young like 10 or 12, while in there world Sanford, deimos, and 2bdamned are older than them, unlike hank they are obedient and weak but they are faster than hank and too kind.

So what if the main 4 meet reader By them accidentally opening a universal portal that blasts a small hank(aka you) that's all beat up as the main 4 see another Auditor but the portal closes before Auditor could get to it and the main 4 find out that you are actually a ten year old getting their ass beat by Auditor

Also the other Auditor in the portal was enraged that a you actually damaged their non-physical form with a cute kitty knife :)

I love it! We love a murderous child!

Also, I am so sorry for the delay! Felt kind of unmotivated yk

Reader’s pronouns are they/it for this one.

Cw: blood, gore, mentions of violence

FUN DAY WITH KID HANK!

(Main 4 + young Hank! Reader)

(Obviously platonic)

Just another day for the S.Q, it was dark and rainy, people were entering and leaving the building, either returning or leaving from missions, or leaving for a smoke, like Deimos was. Standing under the entrance along with the S.Q guards, making a little chit chat, they didn’t mind that he smoked so he stayed there, Doc has been pestering him to smoke outside since the smell covered the entire building. Deimos don’t really care where he smokes so he complied. It was a day like any other but there was something wrong, it was overly peaceful. Everyone knows Nevada is not a safe place at all and any soothing and quiet moment is a state of alert for anything to happen. Deimos looked around the streets, strangers having a little walk, no umbrella to protect themselves, wet paper getting stuck on the pavement, full of rain puddles. Everything seemed weird and the anticipation was getting not only him but the guards as well.

“…So…did you guys sleep well today?”

“I did thanks for asking Dave.”

“Me too, thanks Dave.”

“You’re welcome yeah.”

It was starting to get awkward. Deimos dropped his cigarette on the ground and stepped on it, ready to leave when something shot right at one of the guard’s head.

“Fucking called it!”

It dented the cement wall, squashing Dave’s head and painting it red, the thing then fell on the ground. It looked like a purple ball. The remaining guard got in position as Deimos patted his clothes to find his pistol, remembering that he left it with his other jacket on the laundry room.

“Boss we have a man down!”

The guard called on his talkie as they both took upon the portal that is formed before them. A shadowed figure glared at them before it closed. They looked at each other trying to figure out what the fuck happened as the purple bundle sat up and began to shake. The guard snapped his head right at it. Little arms flapping all around, little legs kicking up and down, it began to screech in anger, dirtying themselves with the blood of the dead guard.

“A kid? What the fuck.”

Soldiers started to come out of the HQ to find the confusing scene. A little grunt throwing a tantrum surrounded by gore on the ground. Some tried to approach them, asking the kid where their parents were, but they were only met with resistance and cat scratches to the face. The child refused to stand or move so one of the more compassionate soldiers decided to lift them up in order to bring them to the boss, not wanting to leave the kid alone. Deimos just watched the scene unfold, trying to keep a deadpan face as the soldier was being hissed and scratched at by the little guy. He wanted far away from that kid.

Hearing their own name at the intercom was never fun, Deimos was already forming an explanation as to why whatever he did was wrong and he would DEFINITELY never do it again. Doc was always a pain on his side, being monitored 24/7 because he couldn’t be left alone or else “a ruckus” would happen, whatever that meant. That was the original reason why Sanford was so close to him to begin with, being tasked by their boss to keep a eye on the man and keep him in line. What Doc did not expect tho was that instead of being influenced by Sanford’s serious and militaristic persona, Deimos was the one who influenced him to be more open and rebel up. So the only change was the name beside his that was called. This case was no different. Both were walking towards Doc’s office, discussing what could have been wrong.

“You did not take the lemons out of the vents last time and I know.”

“I did! I remember doing it! I think.”

“The building is still infested with flies you definitely didn’t.”

Upon opening the office’s doors, a purple shadow just dashed past them, knocking Deimos on the ground. They could hear the frustrated groan of Doc who approached them.

“Great you idiots couldn’t knock on the door before entering.”

Deimos sat up and looked at his boss, taking notice of how ruined the office looked.

“Tf was that doc?”

“That was the child who was spat out of the portal earlier. The one you just let loose on the base. I am cutting your payment.”

“What are we supposed to do?? Like??”

“I called you here to babysit that abomination at least until we know what to about it. But since they just ran away, your duty is to catch it.”

“Pff NO WAY”

Deimos got up from the ground.

“Do we look like nannies to you?? Hell to the NO we are taking care of that kid”

“Do you remember your contract Deimos?” Doc takes out the document that was conveniently hidden on his pocket, he pointed at Deimos signature, written with pink glittery scented pen, the only one available on the moment of signing, he could still smell the strawberries on it. He rolled his eyes.

“Tch fine..”

“Hey buddy,” Sanford put a hand on his shoulder “s’not a big deal! We dealt with far worse shit than that.”

Sanford definitely regret those words. It was a game of cat and mouse. Sanford knew what he was expected to do on this job, but out of everything, THIS had to be the worse and most embarrassing. Following the bloodied stripes down the hallways led them to find the kid making tricks with their roller skates on the cafeteria, currently rolling on top of the tables, jumping on one to another and knocking the hungry hirelings food off their trays. Sanford quickly ran and jumped on it, dashing after the little grunt. He thought about what his mom would do in this situation. She always told him he was a very calm child and never caused any trouble, but when something did happen she normally said the magic words that got any kid excited.

“Hey kid how about we take a little break huh?? How about ice cream?”

They just spun around to face him and stopped on their tracks. Sanford was not quick enough to stop and slipped on a spaghetti plate and flew off above the kid and falling right on a wandering troop passing nearby. Sanford cursed and quickly got up, half apologizing to the poor troop squished on the ground and looked around to see that the kid was nowhere to be found. Deimos arrived panting and gasping for air.

“Haa where.. hoo where did the kid go??”

“I have no idea.. maybe the gymnasium? It’s the nearest path for them to disappear to quickly.”

“Yea.. maybe they have gone there..”

“You ok there buddy?”

“No..can we do a little pause??”

“We don’t really have time for pauses dude.”

“Carry me then.”

Sanford sighed and knelt down for Deimos to latch on his back. When he felt Deimos arms around his neck he got up.

“We can’t keep doing this all the time when we are in a chase bud.”

“What? It’s not my fault my lungs are shit!”

Sanford side eyed him for a moment because it was definitely his fault.

Going on the direction of the gym, Sanford internally cheered to see the red stripes on the floor to it’s direction. Busting doors open, both men followed the stripes until it came to an end. Taking their face of the ground, before them stood none other than Hank, holding the kid by the scruff of the neck. He was doing his daily training when the little grunt zoomed by him, quickly getting snatched by Hank and lifted to his view. Sanford and Deimos took a sigh of relief to see the kid finally contained. Both never wanted to hug Hank so bad in their lifes.

“Hank! Our hero!” Deimos slipped off of Sanford’s back “You got them!”

Hank just looked at the boys and then at the child, who was comically trying to kick and punch him to no avail. He tilted his head to show his confusion, not really getting what the two where on about. Sanford took the kid from Hank’s hand and held it at a distance. It was when he realized how.. alike, the two were. Both Hank and the kid wore long clothes that hid their skin and wore colorful goggles to protect their eyes. Not counting the helmet and roller skates the kid wore, also the skirt that matched their colorful pants. Other than that both were pretty similar.

“Huh..” Deimos seemed to notice also, looking back and forth at the two Hanks before him. “Pfft hahaha this thing looks EXACTLY like you!”

Hank just gave a grunt in response and turned back to finish his curls.

“Oh! Oh! How about we call them Kid Hank? Kank??”

Sanford shook his head “It doesn’t matter right now we need to take them somewhere safe and entertaining to pass the time”

“Well the gym seems like a good pick, there’sa lot of cool things to play with and climb.”

Sanford thought for a second, it might be a good idea, the gym always was a playground for him when he was a small grunt himself.

“Ok let’s just let ‘em roam free here, it’s best to lock the door so they can’t escape.”

The rest of the afternoon was way less stressful. The only thing they had to worry about was the kid not dropping something heavy on themselves. Or fell on something blunt or sharp where their skater gear didn’t protect. They refused to take those roller skates off tho, so management should go more harder when they wanted to jump on the trampoline. Currently Deimos and Sanford were sitting on a bench besides the water fountain, taking care of the kiddie’s bag while they hanged and swing off the polia, with Hank pushing them. Deimos played with the bag’s keychains, looking at the silly designs and colors.

“Where did a kid found those? lol”

He decided to snoop inside the bag as well, only to be met with countless of weapons, colorful knives decorated with stickers and glitter, sharp scissors themed after cartoon characters, nerf guns (with pins instead of soft foam darts) and tiny brass knuckle rings with even more stickers. Maybe this kid was more alike Hank than he initially thought.

“Take your hands off of this Deimos! It’s not yours!”

“Wtf bro I was just looking for a card or paper with this kid’s guardian’s info damb.”

Sanford chuckles at his friend’s antics and goes back on watching Hank play with mini Hank. To his surprise Hank was fairly gentle pushing the kid on the polia, never in his live he thought he would see someone like Hank be so delicate. Though everything went on shambles as Hank gave a hard push and the kid let go of the polia, hitting hard on the wall.

“SHIT!”

Suddenly the gym doors were kicked open by doc. Deimos and Sanford jumped while Hank just stared at him. Doc marched to the kid’s direction and picked it up from the floor, then marched back to leave the gym, passing by the bench to pick the kiddie bag too. The three only looked at the distancing doc on the hallways.

“We can stop babysitting now right?”

Doc managed to find a way to contact the Auditor, who gave him a portal opening device to bring the kid back to where they came from. Before he could turn to his office, the kid tugged on his shirt collar, looking up at him with a bruised cheek. Doc paused upon seeing it, quickly turning the other way around to medical.

M.D Skinner looked at the bundle on Doc’s arms being put on the mat, now sitting and kicking their legs. He asked no questions as he went to work, putting in some ice on the bruise and attending other unseen wounds on their body. They played with his coat sleeves during the check up, also taking a hold of the stethoscope around his neck. He let the kid listen to their own heartbeat and let them hold other medical instruments. Doc watched the scene with great interest, never really witnessing a caring relationship throughout his whole life. Soon when the child was all patched up, Skinner gave the results. The kid had some non reversible injuries, that was the lack of their lips, but it didn’t seem to impair them. Skinner gave them a little lollipop and excused himself, wishing the both a great day.

Doc took little Hank back to his office, that was still in shambles. He put them on the table, glad that they already seemed tired from playing so much and now distracted with a lollipop, so they aren’t as energetic as before. Taking the portal opening device and placing it on the ground, everything was ready.

“Ready to go home buddy?”

The kid nodded their head, they were kinda sleepy. Upon activating the portal, a shadowed white figure immediately bursted through it, with flaming purple eyes glaring at the two. The figure took a pink decorated knife off of its form and threw at the table, besides mini Hank, who immediately brightened up upon seeing it.

“This child was spat off of a portal earlier this day. It must be yours.”

The figure turned to Doc. “This little monster always causes trouble back there. It fell through it while I was trying to catch it.”

“Well it’s here now you can have it-“

The table was now empty, looking around the office only a purple blur could be seen entering the portal. The other Auditor began to shake.

“HAAAANK!!”

It immediately ran back through the portal, beginning another chase with the kid. Doc could only shake his head, feeling a strong sense of deja-vu seeing all of this.

That was kind of long haha I am really sorry if anything was ooc qwq I also drew kid Hank’s design for this fanfic! Hope you like it! Stay safe 💞

[jedi-enthusiast]

My Thoughts on Episode One

Keep in mind that these are just my thoughts that I've written down as I watch the show, they may change or I may expand on them later.

"Former Jedi Knight Ahsoka Tano-"

Bitch, she was never Knighted! She was a padawan!

I see we're already starting off strong /s

Although, I will say, I'm glad they put "the EVIL Galactic Empire" because the way some people talk about the Empire is like they're trying to make it seem like it wasn't that bad---at least this shuts those bootlickers up. So, silver linings!

----------

Ngl I think Dave Filoni was trying way too hard to recreate the "hallway scene" with Darth Vader in Rogue One and failed miserably.

Also, if people keep referring to Ahsoka as a "Jedi" throughout this episode, I may or may not explode.

-----------

"The Order doesn't exist anymore."

And I am once again reliving Order 66 and crying, thanks a lot.

----------

"Let's just say I didn't follow 'standard Jedi protocol.'"

Given what we see of her interrogation tactics in that one TCW episode with Luminara, as well as Anakin's tactics, when not following "standard Jedi protocol" ...I'm more than a little concerned by what Ahsoka means by this. Did she torture Morgan? Did she take Morgan's mind apart like Maul did to Jesse?

C'mon Ahsoka, what did you do that wouldn't have been standard Jedi protocol?

----------

"They seem to have abilities like you."

Hera, you were literally basically married to a Jedi and you were also captured by Maul at some point, Kanan talked to you about this stuff and you experienced it...you know what a Sith is.

Ahsoka, you also know what a Sith is.

They're literally wielding red lightsabers in the holo.

Why are both of you acting like you don't know this?

Also, why is Hera talking like she wasn't literally at the battle of Lothal and like she also didn't know of/have beef with Thrawn?

----------

Once again with calling Ahsoka a Jedi.

Also, Ahsoka has always said "I am no Jedi' or said that she isn't a Jedi anytime someone has called her that since she left the Order, so why isn't she denying it now?

----------

LOTH CATS OH MY FUCKING GOD-

----------

Ok, I know Ezra's recording is supposed to be this really emotional spurring moment but like...

1. The dialogue feels so utterly flat- (so far most of the dialogue has felt that way for me tbh, it's like...none of the characters are really talking like the characters, yknow? And it all just feels so stilted, like they don't know themselves or the people around them).

And 2. Ezra wouldn't have had time to make a recording??? Him taking out Thrawn was a spur of the moment decision, they didn't know everything was gonna happen the way it did, so how exactly did he make this recording???

----------

FDSLKJALJHFJA IT WAS A NIGHTSISTER TEMPLE???

MORGAN IS A NIGHTSISTER???

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

----------

"Ahsoka Tano's former apprentice is on Lothal...you're looking for Sabine Wren."

I assume this is gonna be explained later, so I'm attempting to hold in my judgement---but since when did Jedi start taking non-Force-sensitive apprentices?

Kanan taught Sabine how to use the Darksaber so she wouldn't hurt herself and so that she would let go of her fear/anger/pain so she could face her family---so why in the world was Ahsoka teaching her, and since when is taking a Force-null as an apprentice a thing?

I'm just so confused.

----------

"There is nothing easy about being a Jedi."

AHSOKA HAS SAID REPEATEDLY THAT SHE IS NOT A JEDI, WHERE IS THIS COMING FROM????

Also, again, since when can Force-nulls become Jedi?

I'm assuming that they're taking the "Sabine is Force-sensitive" route for this, even though it's very weird considering she never showed signs of it in Rebels, but I still feel like they should've already revealed that if that's the case---because right now it's just confusing.

If they don't go that route then I genuinely already hate the route this is going as far as Jedi stuff goes.

----------

"Anakin never got to finish my training. Before the end of the Clone Wars, I walked away from him...and the Jedi."

*long sigh* not this bullshit again.

Ahsoka he literally helped Palpatine commit genocide against the fucking Jedi---that was probably a bigger factor in you not finishing your training than you deciding to take some time to figure yourself out. Seek therapy, please.

----------

I'm gonna be honest, this lightsaber battle between Sabine and the apprentice is...so disappointing.

To be fair, though, I've been disappointed by every lightsaber duel since everything set in the Prequel era---nothing can really live up to those duels.

----------

Since when can people live through getting stabbed with a lightsaber, without drawing on the Dark Side?

Sabine should be fucking dead, like Qui-Gon was in TPM.

And before anyone says- "oh it's the end of the episode, you don't know if she's still alive" -yes I do, because I already know she's in episode 2.

----------

My thoughts on episode 2 will probably either go up tomorrow night or sometime this weekend, I don't know yet because I'll be moving into my dorm tomorrow.

Already though I can safely say: my expectations were literally in the ground and I'm already disappointed.

[clinicallyinsanedumpsterrabbit]

can you explian the backrooms au

I don't see why not

Sorry asks are taking a sec I am a bit busy lately

Ok so, we of course start with the classic dave and jack goofing around, accidentally making a table clip into a wall or something, then the dumbasses go and touch it because it's weird then get thrown into the backrooms as usual.

Naturally they're confused and panicked as shit at being violently thrown into a weird new place, but luckily Jack has a Dave to deal with any hounds, smilers and more that would try to eat them.

Now in the backrooms you can occasionally find helpful items like almond water, which you can use to tame male death moths [foreshadowing], and you can also very rarely find moth jelly.

Now moth jelly is amazing in moderation, makes you feel better, very nutritious and makes female death moths passive for a few minutes if you drink a little. But you're only allowed a single cup a day for a reason.

Now moth jelly can also be extremely addictive, and that's where we come back to jack and dave, they somehow find a stash of moth jelly, like someone's life savings worth of moth jelly, so they steal it. Jack the smarter of the two dumbasses decides to save it for food so they can survive for a long while. Dave however, is extremely susceptible to addiction, so after that first sip he wants all of it immediately after.

So dave secretly drinks "a little extra" when Jack is asleep, but he ends up drinking all of it, not being able to control himself.

Now time to explain the effects of moth jelly overdose.

Firstly and most obviously is the moth related mutations in a very rapid time, which is extremely painful most likely and with the extreme amount that he drank his mutations almost just fully turned him into a moth: for Dave the mutations were the wings, antennae, the extra arms and his tail turning into the moth abdomen, but also his voice box mutating, making it so he can only make moth squeaks. The mutations also cause some tumors, which Jack had to cut off/out so his main protection in the backrooms wouldn't die.

Luckily Dave's mind is so damaged already that it wasn't effected much.

Now with the amount of pain sounds that Dave likely made, Jack woke up to witness this horrific mutation first hand, naturally panicking and trying to calm him down from that animalistic pain rage from the mutations caused, calming him down with some head scratches and almond water once it was all over, cutting out the tumors at a later date to not overwhelm him.

And that's how jack got a weremoth boyfriend /silly

But also since dave was a hermaphroditic species before the transformation that likely carried over with the mutations, meaning he can be a bit more aggressive, can produce his own moth jelly produced on a pouch in the underside of his abdomen like actual female death moths [very good for trade in the backrooms, you can get anything for moth jelly], oh and he might be able to lay eggs, and dave with a whole hive of death moths of his own is a bit too mentally damaging so if any little golden yellow eggs are seen they're smashed immediately.

Yayie tasty lore, I hope this is understandable enough lol

[stuckasmain]

Rewatching 2010 thoughts

I did a bit of rapid posting last night as I rewatched the film as I certainly have a lot of thoughts about it. It has been a long time since I have and after reading the book I’m kind of sad? It’s still an enjoyable watch but some of the changes are just so unnecessary, especially when it’s noticeable the things they took effort to keep.

One thing I will admit is this movie definitely influenced how I read the book, appearances lined up (except for Katerina who’s male in the movie)

They accidentally demoted Frank in the briefing “co pilot” and “deputy commander” aren’t exactly interchangeable

I like Floyd being friends with Milson and Caroline being much more understanding but this is unfortunately at the expense of literally everyone else. As the conflict comes from within rather than the situation most of the time- it’s really unfortunate as the “insta friends” part of the novel works to its benefit

However, everyone’s a quippy bitch and it’s really funny

The movie is absolutely terrible to Tanya makes weird choices of her being military, no longer married to Vasili (for no real reason) and the absolutely insane illogical choice of making Max go out

All of Floyd’s transmissions contain elements from paragraphs from the book itself a nice touch

I really really wished they hadn’t went with the conflict/war route because the movie is at its best when everyone’s conversational and joking around with each other like in the book. The movie mentions it a few times but should’ve stuck with science>country astronaut bond

Do love the scene with Walter and Max going to the discovery and how instead of the focus being on normal breathing it’s hyperventilating

Something something burry your gays. The book goes into detail on how everyone thinks a manned probe to the monolith would be stupid and suicidal. But there’s no Katrina so we got to blow up the boyfriend (however i am a sucker for angst but my god)

LOVE Starchild Dave actually, I love the distortion and how his real voice beneath it is so soft and confused. How his eyes are freakishly blue and shiney- don’t like it implied he was married- idk why I hate that as much as I do

Actually do love the far more climatic blast from Jupiter. It really shows the “the message wasn’t sent to us because there was no guarantee we’d be ok”

Movie Chandra forever actually, he really encapsulates the general feel of the character and his care for Hal. 

They use the same two pictures of Frank and Dave for everything and it’s really funny because they’re just pulled from the movie and not actually nice photos of them

[sequinsmile-x]

Hey, sorry you’re having a rough time at work (I totally feel you on the emails thing - I’m off this week and will definitely have hundred of emails to wade through when I get back on Monday).

You asked for headcannons/thoughts, and one that’s consuming my brain right now is the idea of Morgan finding out that Hotch and Emily are together and being pissed about it. I’m thinking because of some mixture of assuming it’s nothing serious and being annoyed that they’re potentially risking the team dynamic for a fling, with a bit of perhaps also thinking Hotch is too emotionally damaged/repressed/stoic to give Emily what she needs and deserves.

I love the idea of him being kind of shitty to them about it, but then accidentally observing them together when they don’t know anybody is watching them (perhaps several times) and realising he had it all wrong.

Thank you so much!! Work continues to be rough, but I have an interview this week for another role so fingers crossed <3

I hope your first week back wasn't too bad, and that you didn't have too many emails to wade through!!

This is for you, and anyone else who may be feeling the Sunday Scaries

-x-

Assumptions

His mother had always told him he made too many assumptions.

Words: 3.1k

Warnings: none!

Read over on Ao3, or below the cut

“At this rate, Dave will have had more book launch parties than he did weddings.” 

Aaron laughs at his girlfriend's joke, squeezing her hand as they step onto Dave’s porch, the sound of the party inside slightly muffled by the door, “As he’d remind you himself, he only got married three times.”

“That’s still three more times than I’ve been married,” she mumbles, raising her eyebrow at him and he leans in to kiss her cheek. 

“We’ll have to get working on your first marriage then,” he jokes, winking at her as he pulls back, “Let you catch up.” 

She rolls her eyes at him but can’t help but laugh, shaking her head as he manages to calm her down with nothing more than his smile and his dry sense of humour. They’d been together for eight months but had only recently told the team, the delay in telling them partially down to her concern over their reactions and partially due to enjoying it being a secret. She knew Aaron was it for her, and she was it for him, the chance at happiness that they both deserved after everything. She saw everything with him. 

Living together (which they practically did already.) 

Marriage (she knew he had a ring.)

Kids (something she hadn’t realised how much she wanted before him.)

She was sure about her relationship, about the decisions she had made, but she felt nervous about their first social event with the team since they told them about them being together. She knew they’d be watched closely, even with other guests around for the book launch, and she wanted to turn around and go home with Aaron. 

“It will be ok, you know,” Aaron says, seemingly reading her mind as he squeezes her hand again. She turns and looks at him, slowly blowing out a breath. 

“Derek has been acting…strangely since we told them,” she says, biting her lower lip as she looks at Aaron, “He won’t talk to me.” 

The rest of the team had reacted exactly as she thought they would. Penelope was excited, the screech she let out loud enough Emily was surprised it hadn’t pierced her eardrums. JJ had been more subdued in her delight for them, pulling Emily into a hug as she whispered that she knew she must have been seeing someone because she seemed happier. Spencer had been confused, having to have it spelt out for him after the more subtle approach had failed. Dave, of course, claimed he’d known all along. A shit-eating grin on his face as he looked them up and down, a sparkle to his eyes that simultaneously irritated and delighted Emily. 

Derek had barely reacted. Shrugging off the news like it was nothing before he left the room once they confirmed how long they had been together. Reacting like Emily hadn’t lost sleep over telling them, over showing them this part of herself that she treasured so deeply. She’d always been private, but found herself all the more keen to play her cards close to her chest since Paris. The way that everything that had happened with Ian was revealed had left her feeling raw, torn open in a way she still felt as if she was recovering from even now. 

“You know what he’s like, sweetheart,” Aaron says, squeezing her hand and smiling encouragingly at her, “He doesn’t always react well to change.”

She sighs, “I know,” she replies, “I know that. I guess I just…”

“Wanted your friend to be happy for you,” Aaron finishes for her as she drifts off, and she smiles sadly, nodding in response.

“Yeah,” she chokes out, “After everything is that really too much to ask?” She says, shrugging one of her shoulders. 

“Do you want me to talk to him?” Aaron offers and she shakes her head, stepping closer to him to stamp a kiss against his lips, wrapping her arms around his neck as he places his hands on her hips.

“Thats sweet, but no,” she replies, scratching his scalp with her blunt nails, “It will be ok.”

She leans in to kiss him again but the door opens, the sound of the party getting louder as they turn to look at Dave, a wide grin on his face. 

“I was going to just let you stay out here a little longer,” he quips, leaning on the door frame, “But I didn’t want you to start making out on my porch. It’s way too early in the evening for a show.” 

Emily rolls her eyes at him and reaches for Aaron’s hand, linking their fingers together as they walk into the house together. 

“Shut up, Dave.”

___

She kisses Aaron on the cheek as she walks away, squeezing his hand once before she walks towards the kitchen to get another glass of wine, weaving through the crowd of Dave’s guests as she goes. 

She pauses in the doorway as she realises the kitchen is empty apart from Derek. She’s about to turn and walk away, already feeling like enough of a spectacle with how Penelope kept looking at her and Aaron like they were the latest enclosure of a zoo, without adding to it, but Derek spots her. 

“Hi Emily,” he says, smiling tightly at her before he looks back down to the beer he was reaching for, twisting the top from it.

“Hi,” she replies, smiling at him before she walks in, placing her glass on the counter before she reaches for the bottle of wine, the sound of it pouring loud in the otherwise quiet kitchen. She hates the awkwardness. It reminds her too much of those first days back in DC when everyone kept looking at her like she’d disappear, and Derek still wasn’t sure if he could trust her. 

“Are you sure you’ve thought this through?” 

She freezes briefly at the unexpected question before she places the bottle of wine back down on the counter, and picks up her glass of wine before she turns to look at him, making sure her face is neutral as her eyes meet his. 

“Thought what through, Derek?” She asks, even though she knows the answer she wants to hear him say it. 

He sighs, crossing his arms over his chest, “Are you sure you and Hotch are right for each other?” 

“Why would you ask that?” She asks, and he shrugs, throwing his hands up in the air. 

“He’s not the kind of guy I thought you’d go for. He isn’t exactly your type, and he’s emotionally repressed,” he chuckles, “We’ve made fun of him for it for as long as we’ve known each other.” 

“That was before…” she clears her throat, stopping herself from saying anything she knows Aaron wouldn’t want her to say, “It’s different now.” 

She’d always known Aaron’s stoic nature was his way of protecting himself from the things they saw day in, day out. That it was a mask he wore so often he sometimes forgot to take it off, the seriousness that came with it almost second nature to him. It was only when they got together and he let her see behind that mask that she truly realised how deep it ran. How he wasn’t just protecting himself from their work but from everything he’d been through. From his father and the childhood he rarely spoke of.

From the man he spent every day terrified he would turn into. 

It made her protective of him, her shackles rising at Derek’s words that she’d heard many times before. 

“You didn’t answer my question,” he says, raising his eyebrows at her, “Are you sure you’re right for each other?” 

She’s grateful for her years of training, both from her mother and Interpol, because she doesn’t react, knowing he’d try to analyse even the slightest change to her expression. 

“Yes,” she says simply, an attempt to leave no room for argument that she knows deep down won’t work. 

He raises an eyebrow at her, “That easy?”

“Yes,” she says again, having a sip of her wine, “That easy.” 

“I guess you have had eight months to think about it,” he challenges, unrelenting now he’d started, and she almost feels like she was being interrogated by her friend. 

“Is that your problem with it?” She asks, matching his directness. He furrows his brow and opens his mouth to argue, but she stops him before he can, “Don’t lie to me and say you don’t have a problem with it. You’ve been short with me for days, and you’ve all but cornered me at our friend's house to interrogate me about it.”

“I’m not interrogating you.” 

She chuckles humourlessly and has another sip of wine, “If you aren’t, you really need to work on your tone of voice,” she says, blowing out a steady breath to try to calm herself down, not wanting this to escalate, “We kept it a secret because we wanted to.” 

It wasn't that simple, and she knew it. But it was all she was willing to say here, all she was willing to divulge when he was like this. An unmovable force who would think he was correct no matter what she said. 

“Not because you thought you had something to be ashamed of?”

She clenches her jaw, and she feels anger flash through her body, a lick of fire that she can’t control, “I have nothing to be ashamed of,” she says tightly, not liking the insinuation, like the relationship between her and Aaron was something she should feel bad about. She stares at him, the thought she hadn’t been able to shake since his poor reaction just days ago floating around her head. She clears her throat, her chest tight as she asks the question that, if she’s honest, has been on the tip of her tongue for months, “Is this about Ian?” 

It’s Derek’s turn to tense, barely covering his reaction as something close to anger and embarrassment flashes across his face, and she wonders what it means that it brings her some form of joy. That all this time later he felt some shame about the things he had thought, and said, about her in the fallout of Ian and his relentless chase of her. 

“He told you about that?” He asks, his body tight. 

“No,” she replies, biting the inside of her cheek as his face relaxes, confusion washing over it, “Dave did,” she swallows thickly, “Aaron has always been a better man than you give him credit for.” 

She knows he doesn’t miss the double meaning behind her words. That Aaron was more well suited for her than Derek gave him credit for, and that he’d kept what Derek had said from her, to save her feelings as well as the other man from how he currently felt. 

Derek sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose, “Look, Princess-”

“You don’t have to understand what I did then,” she says, cutting off the apology she doesn’t want to hear, and she laughs bitterly, “You don’t even have to agree with it, but you don’t get to use it again me,” she steps closer to him, “And you certainly don’t get to use it to judge my relationship with the man I love.” 

“Em-”

“Excuse me,” she says, walking past him determinedly, wanting the conversation to end before it goes any further, not wanting it to escalate at all, let alone tonight, she turns to look at him, “If you could get your shit together before we get married though I’d appreciate it, because thats where this is going whether you like it or not,” she smiles at the thought of it despite the situation, “And it would be a shame to not invite you.” 

She walks away before he can respond. ___

His mother had always told him he made too many assumptions. 

Derek knows he is wrong the moment Emily walks away, a tightness to her shoulders that was always the first sign she was upset. He wants to apologise, to seek her out immediately, but he knows it’s no use, that she won’t listen to him until she’s calmed down a little.

He only feels worse when he speaks to Penelope. She pulls him aside and half-shouts at him through her teeth as she tries, and fails, to not draw any attention to them as she tells him off. Derek could count on one hand the number of times Penelope had been genuinely mad at him and he knew this was definitely one of them. Her eyes wide as she tells him he’d not better nor ruin this for Aaron and Emily or, she adds, for her. Derek knew that she’d always hoped on some level that they would get together and would mention it any time she was drunk, commenting that they were perfect for each other, something he’d never quite been able to see. 

At first, he thought it was merely a fling. A throwaway relationship that Aaron and Emily were sharing with them that would forever alter the dynamics of the team. His anger only increased minutes later when they finally got the chance to explain they’d been together a while, eight months of secrecy and white lies that made him furious.

The last time Emily had kept a secret from them he’d carried her coffin, and all of it had come flooding back. 

Derek sighs as he scratches the back of his head, the party around him is too loud for how he was feeling, and he decides to head outside, desperate for some fresh air. He’s only just stepped outside, the cool air soothing against his skin, when he spots them across Dave’s backyard, tucked into a corner together away from everyone else. For a moment he’s worried they’ve seen him too, but they are too wrapped up in each other to realise he’s outside, and he takes a moment to watch them.

Emily’s back is against the wall, her arms crossed over her chest as if she’s holding herself together. She has Aaron’s jacket over her shoulders, protecting her from the cold, and she’s looking up at him. Aaron is leaning against the wall, one of his hands next to her head, boxing her in against the brick wall, and the other on her neck, his thumb tracing back and forth over her jawline, touching her like she was made of something precious. 

He can’t hear what they are saying, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t know Aaron is comforting her. His eyes soft in a way Derek doesn’t think he’s ever seen from the other man before, looking down at Emily as if she is the only thing in the whole world at that moment. Emily nods at whatever Aaron has said, and she pulls him in for a kiss, her hand tight around the collar of his shirt as she holds him in place. 

It’s a tenderness he hadn’t known either of them was capable of, something he hadn’t seen in them before, and it puts the final part of any assumption he’d made about them and their relationship well and truly to bed. 

Emily suddenly looks over at him, as if aware that she was being watched, and she says something to Aaron who looks over too, his face hardening before Derek’s eyes, and he’s surprised he hasn’t turned to stone. Emily grabs Aaron’s face and speaks to him with an amused smile on her face, stamping a kiss against his lips before he steps back. Aaron walks towards Derek, sending him a stern look that he knows says nothing other than “hurt her again and I’ll kill you,” before he heads inside, clearly leaving Derek and Emily alone at her request. 

He hears a clearing of a throat and looks up to find Emily standing right next to him, “You move pretty damn quietly, princess.” He says, his hand over his heart and she smiles.

“Well, it’s the first thing they teach you when you’re a spy,” she jokes, her smile fading as their eyes meet, “Derek-”

“I’m sorry,” he says, cutting over her, “I was out of line and…I’m sorry. You’re right, it’s not my place and Pen made that clear too.”

Emily purses her lips to cover a laugh, “She did?”

“Yeah,” Derek nods, shaking his head as he laughs, “She said I ‘better not ruin this for her.’”

Emily laughs for real this time, throwing her head back, “Well, I think she’s been planning the wedding since long before Aaron and I actually got together. She’s tried to push me towards him for years,” she gives him a half shrug, her teeth digging into her bottom lip, “Maybe I should have listened sooner.” 

He watches her carefully, taking in how casually she says it, the second mention of a type of commitment that would have sent the Emily Prentiss he thought he knew running in the other direction. 

“You’re that sure about it? About him?”

Emily looks past him, and Derek turns to see Aaron standing just on the other side of the glass door, watching them intently, and he looks back at her, not missing how her eyes sparkle and she nods. 

“More sure than I have ever been about anything,” she says before she looks up at him, “I understand it might take a little while to get used to-”

‘Em-”

“I get it, but please at least try to be happy for me,” she says, her smile vulnerable, “I think it took me dying to realise I wasn’t really living.” 

He takes a deep breath at that, the memory of burying her always too much to bear, and he slowly blows it back out, “I am happy for you,” he says, and she raises an eyebrow at him and he laughs, “Ok, I will get there. I just need some time to adjust.” 

She smiles and nods, “I can accept that,” she looks past him again, and he doesn’t have to turn around to know Aaron is still staring at him, his gaze burning into his back, “I should go in there before he starts planning your murder in any more detail than he already has.” 

Derek nods and lets her pass, only turning when he hears the door click behind her. He watches as Aaron pulls her into a hug, whispering something in her ear that makes her laugh in a way that he hasn’t heard in a long time, loud and beaming even through the glass door, and it makes him smile. 

Five months later, he claims he doesn’t cry during their wedding ceremony, something Penelope immediately calls him out on when she tells a delighted Emily at the reception that he’d had to borrow her bright pink handkerchief. 

-x-

Tag list:

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Join my tag list here!

[ctrlaltdepleet]

hello fellow—

im going through quite the predicament right now.

here’s a little(long) backstory but if u scroll down i’ll give a tldr::::::)))))))

btw— i’ll be using fake names throughout the story to keep anonymity and so u can’t fiiiiind meeees:3

my roommate mary, hosted a surprise bday party for her bf at our apartment. she invited a bunch of his friends over, and i haven’t met any of them yet or even heard of them. it didn’t take me long to start talking to everyone and get to know who’s who. we surprise her boyfriend and we have cake yada yada. mary then suggested that we go to dave’s hot chicken for dinner and everyone agrees and we all drive.

after driving to the restaurant, mary decided to invite more people(people who couldn’t make the surprise) which included 4 people (2 dudes and this couple-adam and eve) i introduce myself and vice versa. my first impression of adam was pretty cool but eve was more on the shy side so she didn’t really say much the whole time we were there. i kinda thought adam was cute but obviously he was in a relationship and i would never homewreck. since adam and eve arrived a bit late, they got their food when everyone was basically done eating. everyone agreed to go back to our apartment to drink together to end the night. we were almost walking out the door when mary insisted that we wait til adam and eve were done eating. everyone else had gone back to their place to go change and grab whatever they needed. adam came up to me and mary and said we’re good to leave and they’d meet us back at our place. he said him and eve had some talking to do since they had some issues to resolve. adam then asked me if i was gonna drink w everyone and i was hesitant at first and then i said “sure, why not” and he got excited and started saying “ahhh i knew you were cool!” and then went back to eating with eve, while we drove back to our place.

we get to the apartment and everyone starts showing up and we wait to start drinking til adam and eve got there. adam showed up explaining that eve didn’t want to impose so she skipped out.

we start drinking and all the sudden mary’s boyfriend and adam take their shirts off and ask for oil (ok diddy party) and i had oil in my bathroom (i use it for moisturizer i swear!) so i offered it and they put boxing gloves on and start going at it. throughout the rest of the night adam and mary’s bf were just shirtless.i thought it was odd that adam kept his shirt off but i was too drunk to question it. adam starts getting a little touchy but not in a weird way, it’s just like weird that he’d get so touchy with someone he’s barely met. anyway he kept interacting w me that night and i was conflicted bc he’s really cute but he had a gf so i was confused. anyway, he asked me and my other roommate (rose) if we smoked weed. rose did but i hadn’t tried it yet. i told him i was open to trying it and he said that we should smoke the next day. me and rose agreed to.

next day we got high together, the 3 of us, while mary and her bf basically tripsat us. once we were super high, we moved to the living room. we started talking about our lives and whatnot. that’s when adam started talking about how he’s waiting for something big to happen so he can break things off with eve. we talked about that for a while. i was sitting right next to adam so it was a little hard to ignore my attraction for him. of course i felt guilty for finding him attractive while he was talking about breaking up with his gf. after everyone asked how he was feeling, he said he kinda lost emotional attachment to her and he was slowly losing interest. i’ve been in eves situation before and i told adam that if i were her, i would want to know instead of dragging it on.

fast forward a week later, adam is having a birthday party. he invited me and rose since mary was basically planning the whole thing. we get there and i was planning on finding someone cute at the party. i find this guy (aaron) and i start talking to him. things are going well and everyone seems to be happy at the party. adam then keeps coming up to me and rose whenever it’s shot o’ clock bc he wanted to take the shot with US for some reason. i kept saying “where’s eve? shouldn’t you be with her” but he said that everyone keeps pushing him to be with her but he wants to spend time with everyone at the party, esp since he had invited friends from his hometown.

fast forward a bit, we ended up smoking too.

fast forward a bit more- we all ended up at the hot tub and i went in , with my jeans on. (bad idea and you’ll see why later). i sat next to aaron and he tried sticking his hand (down unda) and i yelled and said not cool don’t do that again, in front of everyone. eve was at the hot tub with us and didn’t see what happened and didn’t see who i was talking to so she immediately thought something had happened between me and adam.

i ended up taking my pants off because it was too hard to get over the fence with heavy wet pants on.

i walked all the way back to adam’s apartment alone with no pants on and didn’t think to put them on before opening the door to a party full of fully clothed people. #embarrasing

anyways the night basically ended there and the next morning i got picked up to go back home for the holidays. thank god i wasn’t hungover

but a couple days ago, i sent adam and rose a funny tiktok i saw that reminded me of the party. adam tried to catch up with me and he ended up talking about how he’s having issues with eve again.

fast forward a day later, they break up.

he tells me basically everything and none of it felt manipulative tbh. like i can see how it could get spun out as him trying to get me to pity him but i kinda shat on him for being a bad partner and show she had every right.

fast forward a bit later we talk more and i ended up confessing that i thought he was cute.

i’d like to add now that i’m not actively looking to get into any relationships and esp w someone who doesn’t even know how to communicate correctly.

he ended up telling me that he thought i was cute too.

that’s when the subtle flirting started and we ended up making plans to smoke together when we both get back from break.

anyways. i don’t know how to feel. i mostly (like 95% want to do this and hang out with him bc our energies match so well) but that 5% feels odd because i don’t want to be an asshole and break girl code. but i talked to my friends about this and they said its not really breaking girl code. they mentioned how none of this is out of ill intent and its not like we’re immediately dating after he just ended things with her.

THE TLDR

i met a guy through my roommates and i thought he was cute but he was in a relationship. we’ve had several interactions that only made my attraction to him stronger, but i wasn’t gonna do anything out of respect for his relationship. now he’s broken up with her and he wants to hang out with me 1on1.

am i in the wrong?

i think we both kinda unknowingly agreed to keep this under wraps.

i’m open to answering any questions about this whole thing for clarification!

[thewertsearch]

TG: what the fuck sort of crackpot psychology text would say something like that TT: It's not from a psychology text. […] TT: More like, TT: Zoology. TG: oh my fucking god will you put that away

The fact that Dave is already this sick of the Grimoire says so much about the kind of offscreen conversations these two are having.

They’re hysterical, the both of them.

TG: i looked up into the sky TG: didnt see anyone singing TG: but even though the sky was black i could see the sun […] TG: so i flapped my wings and flew up away to it like a fucking piece of garbage […] TT: This doesn't strike you as an impulse of self destruction? […] TG: it was more like somewhere to go besides watching myself die a lot from the vantage of a feathery murder of dumb shitty birds

Dave really fucking hates his role, doesn’t he?

I think that last fight with Jack really did a number on him. He's so desperate to escape these loops that he's not thinking about the consequences...

TT: So, if hypothetically you were to accept such a mission, or even insist upon one, it wouldn't be in the spirit of genuine sacrifice, but of escape?

...even if the consequences include death by Tumor.

I think Rose's analysis is pretty much on the money. Dave will try to pilot the Tumor, despite the danger - but it's not because he wants to die. No, it's just a sign of how much he fucking hates being the Knight of Time. He doesn't want death, he wants out.

TG: ok somethings wrong TG: this whole conversation is falling apart this isnt how it originally went at all

Farewell, blissful ignorance.

This must be a really weird experience, as your memories proceed to hit your brain like a ton of bricks. For just a moment, as your past and future selves collide, you're both one person, and two people.

TG: this is so sick you using the dream bubble bullshit to pick apart my psyche TG: am i dead or asleep […] TT: Maybe I'm just as confused as you about it? TG: yeah right TT: Am I dead or asleep, Dave?

Is it just me, or is Rose acting sinister more sinister than normal here? She’s being weirdly evasive about her current situation, despite the current crisis. The Tumor's clock is ticking, and Dave needs to know her status!

We know she’s still a little buzzed on that Horrorterror energy. Maybe she’s still working for the Gods, and her current objective requires her to stall for time.

[notallwonder]

it's hot as balls here so I guess instead of a nap, it's Time for me to watch the finale, CME 17x10.

Spoilers and nonsense under the cut.

- I can't remember what happened last week. Oh, yeah. Ok

- Toodles, ha ha

- oh RIGHT. Now I remember. My incandescent Nate rage lol.

- I should not watch this mid-afternoon. Can't see shit

- why would Rebecca's mom know about whatever's going on lol

- minimal loss still ringing in my ears a bit. Sadly (bc this is not that)

- Oh Nicholas d'agosto is in this. Bailey?!

- they did SHIT ALL with the immediate aftermath of the cliffhanger. Ok

- fuck I have to switch to a different room it's too hard to see

- ope. he dead. didn't last long, did he. I did giggle at the dripping blood trail

- sorry that explosion that knocked Prentiss over was really funny

- so their cells were designed to create those bonds

- ok Prentiss is "on trial". yeah, who is we?

- I'm sorry every time they say "Peter B." it gives me bachelor/bachelorette related hives. Another symptom of paget-brewster-fan syndrome. will I ever recover

- is there a weird lack of urgency? Like, remembering back to when scratch kidnapped emily I feel like there was more panic among the team. Hm

- Dave, try telling people what you're thinking and where you're going some time

- uh oh. Is the B for Bailey?

- ah. hm. Pete.

- guys, where are we? and what are we doing here?

- not the black and white flashbacks again.

- EXCUSE ME. "I HAVE A SISTER" a whatnow. is she playing Bailey again

- if I could see the things on my teevee screen I could probably figure out who Pete Bailey is played by. his voice is familiar. Wait, is that the guy who played Wyatt in The Fosters? wow ok

- what a mess.

- loving PG's UFO earrings

- this is confusing as hell. and a lot of exposition

- Rebecca's "fuck you" to Vinny was lovely

- fucking hell this is very confusing.

- JJ "this is Emily"...girl I will always love hearing you say her name

- lol I love when the show *almost* roasts profiling

- did she say "your boyfriend's dead because you shot him babe"? why does this feel off to me? It seems too emotional, too angry? Emily's still off kilter?

- THIS FUCKER. YOU LEAVE JENNIFER JAREAU ALONE

- WHATTT. Penelope Garcia with the stare down?! what am I watching

- please break his face jj (but don't, bc he wants you to).

- damn. but also now we've got the exploitation of two female characters we know...and for what? and I think it's safe to assume JJ's not planning to tell Voit's wife...so we're back in not being honest with people territory... what is the point of all this?

- a blue-flamer? that's a new term to me

- "he had a drive...I used to have it..." hmmmmm

- there's a fucklot going on in here.

- well this is not great for our heroes...

- the stakes do not feel high enough for the story they're telling. like...do we really believe emily/the team is in imminent danger? (we do not.)

- omg how convenient, NOW they figure out is a trap lol

- oh sure the projector's just hooked up to the Internet

- ??????

- [god jj is so attractive]

- but what is this like...CW show hero shot montage thingy

- sorry the silly little troublemaker gibberish certificate on the wall in this scene with Clark Gregg is sending me

- "discretion is the better part of valor" and the shame on Emily's face at that

- party at PG's house

- OH NO. NOOOOO. TYLER APPLIED TO THE FBI. OH NOOOOOO. oh no im so shocked

- JJ "I have never been that high, ever" so I was right! she for sure has partaken before

- "we were more miserable apart than together" what a RINGING ENDORSEMENT for your relationship hahahahahaha 🤣

- Rebecca is looking v cute

- I can't with this show. Ahahaha god I'm laughing so hard. I can't explain to anyone how much I love and dislike criminal minds. What it has become. It delights me so much and it is so disappointing.

I'm going to have to rewatch this episode. There's a lot going on here. I will miss Emily Prentiss forever and always. She left some part of herself in London or whatever, and didn't return when Paget came back to the show. I thought her personality returned a bit in s16, and it did...but I don't know if I know her, this her. Anyone else?

The fact they are keeping on Tyler is not surprising. And I don't super care about it, I find him fairly inoffensive in himself, BUT I fear this means Luke will continue to be sidelined and I'm bummed at that. Maybe they will continue having these two bond and that will give Luke more screentime at least. To be extra funny FBI HR should just reject him outright and the team has to do increasingly inane workarounds to keep using him.

And that Voit is still around... Also not surprising given how much they like Zach Gilford. I personally am not tired of him so much as.... confused about what they're doing with him. With Gold Star they made Voit out to be some sort of manipulative genius, kind of mirror universe Reid. But where can they go from here?

And JJ, my beloved. I don't even know what to say there.

Rossi's still hallucinating. Wonder if he will ever do his 4 hours a day therapy lmao.

[orcaofmyheart99]

Gay Awakening

for @newsies-are-the-new-best-thing

Davey had always been focused on school and his family. He had always felt a sense of responsibility and duty. The free time he had was spent on studying history. Davey had never thought much about dating. He had gone out on a few dates with a few different girls from school but nothing ever went anywhere. It just didn’t really feel right to Davey although he couldn’t explain exactly why that was.

Davey’s father got into an accident while at work. This forced him and Les to go out and become Newsies until his father would be able to go back to work.

Davey was a bit nervous on his first day. He got even more nervous when he met him. He was just a little shorter than Davey was with twinkling eyes and a dazzling smile. His younger brother seemed to know this boy “That’s Jack Kelly” Les explained.

“This is my brother David” Les introduced him to the boy

“Nice to meet you Davey” Jack greeted with a genuine smile.

Davey felt butterflies in his stomach. Something which he had never experienced before.

Jack offered to sell with him and Les that day. Davey went home that night with a distant smile on his face and a lightness to his steps. He felt happy in a way he had never felt before.

The next day Davey made sure to sell again with Jack. There was something intoxicating about him.

A young woman came walking along. Jack put on his charm to sell to her. Davey felt a small twitch of what was most likely jealousy towards the young woman. To his surprise she wittingly turned Jack down which made him seem even more interested in her. That night Jack felt a little heavier. He told himself that it shouldn’t matter. Jack was straight and so was Davey. He probably only felt butterflies because it was just a whole new experience. Everyone seemed pretty in awe of Jack.

A few weeks passed and Davey got to know Jack more. And the more he got to know him, the more Davey liked Jack. Maybe Jack had caused Davey to have some sort of gay awakening?

Jack asked Davey one afternoon for some advice “I am going on a date tonight. Got any ideas on where I should take her?” Davey was caught off guard. “That girl you were trying to sell to the other day?” “Yeah. We are going out tonight. You seem like the romantic type. So any ideas?” Davey felt a pain in his stomach. His mouth suddenly felt dry. “Uhh umm not really. Sorry.” Davey stuttered and walked away. He grabbed Les’s hand muttering that they had to get going, citing that they would be late for dinner. Jack was left feeling confused. He ended up taking the girl out to the theater at which they had a good time and enjoyed each other's company.

Jack tried to rectify the situation with Davey. Davey had been avoiding him since he asked for advice. Choosing to sell by himself instead of Jack which was strange.

“Davey you seem to be avoiding me” Jack commented as the Newsies lined up. “I’ve been busy” Davey said, not meeting his eyes. “I’m not sure if I overstepped something the other day by asking for advice for a date. But I am sorry if that made you feel weird at all” Jack tried to apologize.

“Why the hell would that make me feel weird?” Davey snapped looking directly into Jack’s shimmering blue eyes.

Jack looked taken aback by this tone of voice from Davey who was usually very soft spoken.

“Why would I care who you date or where you go on dates Jack? It’s not like I’m into you or anything! Just leave me out of it ok?!” Davey stormed off in a huff stuffing his papes into his bag.

Jack was left speechless. Why was Davey acting like this? And what did he mean that he wasn’t into him? Jack thought that was a very strange thing to say.

That night Jack couldn’t sleep. Davey’s words kept spinning over and over in his head. He finally propped himself up and looked around to see if Crutchy was awake.

“Hey Crutchy you there? Jack mumbled.

“Yeah I’m ere Jack. Can’t sleep?” Crutchy muttered back.

“I just keep thinking about what Dave said. I thought it was fine when I asked for his advice about my date with Katherine. I thought he would be happy to help out his friend. Guess I was wrong. I am just mostly surprised about how he spoke to me today. I really didn’t mean to offend him or anything.” Jack said, sounding a bit sad.

Crutchy let out a small laugh

“What’s so funny?” Jack demanded.

“It’s just that Jack. As much as you are charming you can often be a bit oblivious. Davey obviously likes you. Hell, I would say he is in love with you. Have you noticed the way he looks at you? How he hangs on your every word? How he has to sell with you everyday? How he has to stand close to you?” Jack was quiet.

“No, I guess I didn’t. If he really is into me I would understand how me asking about where to go on a date would make him upset. What can I do to make it up to him?” Jack asked.

“Honestly, I would give him some space right now. He probably has a lot to process and figure out.” Crutchy advised.

Jack gave a sigh of defeat.

“Alright. I will” Jack gave in

For the next few days Jack let Davey have his space. He didn’t want to lose Davey as a friend so he let him be. Giving a polite nod and smile when they interacted. About a week later Jack was selling his last paper Davey approached him in a cautious and nervous manner.

“Gotta a sec Jack?” Davey asked.

Jack looked surprised that Davey was talking to him.

“Sure. What’s up?”

“I, uhh, I wanted to umm apologize for how I spoke to you the other day. I was upset and took it out on you wrongly. You are my friend and I am truly sorry about how I treated you. Friends help each other out and I should have helped you on your date place.”

“Davey, don’t worry about it. I understand I’ve been in your position before.”

Davey’s eyebrows knit together.

“What do you mean by my position?”

shit , shit shit. Jack thought. Why did I say that?

“Ummm I just mean like. Helping friends out with dating stuff when you know umm you, you know.

Davey’s brow furrowed further.

“What?”

Jack fiddled with his hat in his hands. He took a deep breath, trying to imagine Crutchie's advice. Crutchie would probably tell him to be truthful.

Jack quickly said “When you like a friend in more than a friend way, then the friend you like is going on a date and you want to be going on a date with that person.”

Davey stood there, mouth slightly open.

“Unless I’m wrong?” Jack asked nervously.

“No, you aren’t wrong. I do like you. Like more than a friend” Davey said looking down at his feet.

“I thought I was straight until I met you.” Davey said now looking into Jack’s eyes and moving closer.

“Hell, Jack, every time I am near you I lose my breath. I forget how to walk. My mind goes blank. Jack, no one has ever made me feel the way you do.”

For a change Jack felt nervous. Davey stepped even closer to him.

“I know this is a long shot and I know that you are dating that girl, but I really like you. If you ever want to go out with me I am here. Just know that.”

Jack felt his face flush

“Actually Dave. I am not seeing that girl anymore. After Crutchy provided some insight I realized that she wasn’t the one I wanted to go out with.”

“Really?” Davey whispered. Hope beginning to fill his heart.

“Really” Jack responded.

Before he knew what he was doing, Davey was kissing Jack. Jack pulled Davey in closer, wrapping his arms around him.

“So, you wanna go out on a date with me?” Davey asked, smiling.

“For sure” Jack responded, grabbing his hand.

The news traveled quickly to the other newsies. Everyone was very happy for them.

[thygoddessouijathicc]

PHONE DAVE REWRITTEN PROLOGUE

The Saferoom smelled of iron.

A scent so oppressive and unbearable even a man with no nose like Peter had to turn away.

His plan had succeeded, the desperate bid to get rid of the aubergine killer once and for all, it had been simple once he had fired his other employee, although even now he wondered why the man had simply left.

Peter had never thought it would get to this point, that he’d actually KILL a man, even one as sickening as this.

Even when the blood of all the aubergine’s victims was still warm, it was hard to stop hearing the screams.

Peter had not expected screams, maybe he should have, but he had assumed that the aubergine would go down treating even death as just another joke. How he wished that were true. If Dave had joked as he died it would have been easy to push aside in his mind, Dave wasn’t human, he wasn’t hurting.

Peter sat down in front of the body. Dave was moving, staring at him, but he couldn’t stand, the suit was too heavy.

Men came into the room to drag Peter away and all the thoughts he had been holding back spilled out.

“WAIT! DON’T SCRAP ME!!!”

“Give us one reason not to.”

“S-see that body? That’s Dave Miller, the Kiddie Strangler.”

There is a moment of silence.

“Good work Scott, you will be receiving a promotion for this.”

“Good now just let me seal-“

“Grab the body, oh and that other one, the janitor he buried in the parking lot.”

“Wait wh- NO! NO NO NO!!! You can’t!!!” Peter watches in horror as the corpse that had just been in front of him was dragged out and shoved to the back of a truck, followed by the recently buried Jimbo.

“If you send-“ Peter is cut off when he too is shoved in the back of the truck, the door closes to leave him in darkness.

…

“W’s y’rrr br’thr…” a voice slurs from in the truck, Peter looks around, eyes landing on Dave’s corpse.

“What?”

“Reed.”

Reed… that had been the name his employee had identified himself by.

“Reed… Reed is my brother?” Peter asked with some skepticism. The corpse just stares at him, offering no answer. It was a long drive after that.

…

100 feet of stolid steel plating composing a large metal cylinder in the back of the Scott Memorial Machine, in the metal a clear face can be seen, looking as if it were asleep, but could wake at any moment.

Peter stared up at the face in something like awe, or maybe terror.

He had seen Jimbo run through, it took mere minutes.

1000 phones in a single afternoon. That’s what the man had said. It made no sense. Who would ever… need so many? Why was the machine so big?

He looked down at his name tag. He owned it now. The phone who had never wanted to send a single person to the factory now owned all of it.

It had taken hours to strip Dave from the suit, hours more to recover him after h tried to run, but now he was tied down, screaming and crying for any mercy. He deserved none, they all knew that. But they also all knew Peter was a bleeding heart.

There is a phone on the table in front of Peter, purple with white accents. Metal. Heavy. He looks up in confusion at the employees. His employees.

“Sorry sir, it’s the last one in stock. A lot of people have been getting sent in lately and we haven’t had a chance.”

“But it’s metal… it’ll be so heavy-“

“He deserves worse, plus we used to make metal phones back in the day all the time.”

“I… ok… just… put it in the machine and get it started.”

As commanded the employees shoves the phone into a chute, and gives a thumbs up to another employee who throws Dave into the pit.

The same horrible metallic screeches as he had once heard with the departed Jimbo are present again. But louder. Far louder. He hears screams in the machine, it sounds like Dave is trying with all his might to escape.

Peter winces, it’s a hard sound to hear…

Because of all the attempts at escape, what normally takes 3 minutes to complete now took 45 minutes. 45 minutes of Dave screaming and crying in the machine, begging to be let out.

At long last a phone actually comes out of the machine.

Peter stares down with caution, he knows what Dave is like. He wouldn’t be shocked if he went right back to his old self.

The phone sits up, shaking and nearly falling over a few times.

There’s just so much wrong with this phone.

The metallic purple head is pulling the body down, causing him to be constantly on the verge of losing balance. There seems to be an area in the midsection that is barely more than a spine with skin wrapped around it. His entire body has shrunk like clothing in the wash, phones have a height cap. He violated it and the machine went overboard correcting it, he seems to be just observing, silently staring up at Peter.

“Hello? Hello? Hello?” The sound of a voice box pierces the air… what? “I am Model 51_2. How may I be of service?”

[forensicated]

Woodentop - 16th August 1983.

(Taffy: "Welcome to Sun Hill Looney Bin.")

Woodentop/The Bill started off as the 4th episode in the Storyboard series. It was turned into a series that began airing just over a year later on the 16th October 1984.

The first words were spoken by Jim Carver after his (second) alarm sounded to wake him for his first day as a probationer at Sun Hill. "OK Carver, let's do it." He presents as keen and enthusiastic although obviously naive. He's promising however and came top of the class on his "Human Awareness Training" course at Hendon.

Sgt Jack Wilding (Peter Dean), Inspector Sam Deeping (Jon Croft), PC's Green, Rawlings, Wallace, Reid and Morton and 2 unamed uniform officers played by Chris Jenkinson and Richard Huw do not go onto make it into the series, however Jim, Dave Litten, June Ackland, Taffy and Roy Galloway do. Taffy has a surname change later however to Edwards as he is Dai 'Taffy' Morgan here.

"Galloping" Galloway is played by Robert Pugh, he's later recast as John Salthouse, the [original!] short ginger Jack Russell we all know and love. "Doesn't that man ever go home?" "We're in it, Jack. This is it."

PC Hollis is mentioned and his call sign is given as 375. The S for 'Sierra-Oscar' is missing from their epaulettes and only an O is present. Taffy is 101, June is 643, Jim is 600 and Dave is 201. June is the only female officer seen. Dave shows an interest in her but she isn't interested and literally rolls her eyes at his attempt to eye her up in the briefing. It appears they have had an on again/off again thing that; when off; makes the others rather uncomfortable.

Jim declares allegiance to uniform from the off, "I'm a firm believer in traditional policing methods." He explains that he wants to be on the pre-side of policing rather than the post-side (aka: when the problem has already happened). Deeping warns him he felt the same when he first joined and says he might change his mind a few months in.

Taffy asks about Dave's 'exam results' and then says he has 6 more weeks to go to his own; laughing that Wilding is making Litten sweat. June later explains that Dave has just finished a 2-week attachment to CID and "now CID are his Gods, especially DI Galloway." Dave has been waiting 2 months to see if he's passed an exam to allow him to join CID properly.

June is tasked with puppy walking "Jim-Jim". She reflects on how stupid it is to still have the W in front of her job title (WPC/WDC/WDS etc), pointing out that it doesn't matter if they're male or female - they're still police constables.

Jim is confused when she asks a paperboy his name. June explains that a paperboy would know who is away as he wouldn't have to deliver to them for a specified amount of time. She suggests CID might have overlooked it when investigating a spate of robberies. Jim is amazed and she assures him he'll soon learn and pick up little tricks like that. Soon after they are asked to check in on an elderly lady who hasn't been seen in weeks. Sadly the lady has passed in the bath and the obvious has started to happen to her body. Both are horrified though Jim tries to protect June from seeing it. "Poor old Jim Jim, first time out. First day even!"

During a pep talk, Jack Wilding reminds June to never get emotionally involved with anyone in the job - if only she'd listened…! (cough Dave, Gordon, Jim, Tony, Gabriel and Roger). "You're too classy for the likes of Dave Litten! If I were 10 years younger!"

Dave takes Jim 'walkies' for the afternoon, Dave loves showing off to the newbie and claims he'll soon be out of uniform and with CID.

In the briefing, Jim and the others were told to get to know the youths who are upsetting locals by hanging around in groups. He was encouraged to keep a professional distance as an officer, to earn respect and to remain firm but fair. During their walkabout, Jim dishes out a slap round the back of the head to a youth who tries to escape him and Dave. Dave immediately pulls him aside and tells him that he shouldn't have done that and they're pulled in to see Wilding. Wilding warns Jim that he could be suspended on his first day if the boy's family takes it further and sends him and Dave home early.

Wilding has to ask Galloway to help him as the lad Jim assaulted is Galloway's big robbery suspect's son. After butting heads, Roy reluctantly agrees and takes Jack to see his suspect, making it clear that Jack owes him one and that he's only doing it for Dave who he sees real CID potential in.

Jack buys the drinks and explains to Mr Taylor about his new PC collaring his son and friend for 'scrumping. Taylor jumps to the conclusion that Jim would have wanted to get his first arrest under his belt and claims he should have just given him a thick ear and sent him home like the good old days. Jack explains that that is exactly what Jim did, making Taylor laugh. "There's hope for your lot yet."

Jim lives to see another day and we end back in bed with Jim (ooh er!) setting his alarm for the morning.