#and cut him off!!! they’re not friends on fb anymore. and she’s dating someone really cute

[fingertipsmp3]

Speaking of random facebook people, I’ve never rooted for anyone more than the ex of this guy I used to know who always spoke really badly about his girlfriend (who was out of his league). Just saw she’s dating someone better and I was like

[liighter]

『BOOBOO STEWART ❙ CISMALE』 ⟿ looks like SAGE FRATER is here for HIS SOPHOMORE year as an ENVIRONMENTAL SCIENCE student. HE is 23 years old & known to be OPEN-MINDED, GENEROUS, LAZY & UNACCOUNTABLE. They’re living in GORHAM, so if you’re there, watch out for them. ⬳ amanda. 22. mst. she/her.

hey howdy hey i almost started this off with caps lock on and that’s the energy i emit yeet. i’m just gonna get into it ok thanks

trigger warning: alcohol

ok real quick ooc info. i’m amanda, i’m 22, i’ve been rping for like 10 years or smth??? a hot minute. i’m an astrology bitch (leo/scorpio/capricorn) and i’m v easygoing and smoke a lot of weed. feel free to hit me up in the dms or on discord. also if u guys like this post i’m going to attack u for plots

NAME:  sage horatio frater AGE:  23 BIRTH DATE:  january 23rd 1996 ZODIAC:  aquarius sun, pisces moon SEXUAL ORIENTATION:  heterosexual SOCIAL CLASS:  lower middle HOMETOWN:  phoenix, arizona EDUCATION LEVEL:  sophomore studying environmental science FACE CLAIM:  booboo stewart ADDICTION(S):  walks the line of alcohol abuse DRUG USE:  smokes weed daily, enjoys uppers but cant afford them ALCOHOL USE:  excessive POSITIVE TRAITS:  flexible, generous, supportive, open-minded NEGATIVE TRAITS:  disorderly, unaccountable, inconsistent, lazy LIKES:  driving fast, mexican food, necklaces, blue curacao,  DISLIKES:  formalwear, romance movies, reading, haircuts

sage is 24, an aquarius with a pisces moon. very boyish personality. kind of a loser who needs to get his shit together rather desperately. holds himself to very low standards, but therefore holds everyone else to them as well.

v easy to befriend, especially if you’ll cut him some slack. he’s that guy in high school who didn’t have a ton of friends, but everyone still kind of knew him? he’s genuinely TOO loyal for his own good, and it takes a lot for him to dislike people.

fucking LOVES animals. and plants. not the type who says he’s “better with animals than people” or anything, but he does find true joy in them. wishes he could fuck off and live in a forest and have like 30 different animals. or maybe a ranch.

also quite the chef but that’s reserved for his real friends. the typa mf whose friends send him recipes or post them on his fb and stuff.

tries to play the guitar but cannot

developing a drinking problem. in fact it’s already past development, but he’d never admit it. he’s probably in denial

does NOT drive, due to a handful of dui’s. had to sell his own car, but sometimes borrows other people despite not having a license anymore. otherwise just catches rides from his friends or walks places.

really cannot afford to go to school and is racking up a ridiculous amount of debt because of it. aka why he’s only a sophomore. at some point he’ll probably do something sketchy for money, if he hasn’t already :~/

WANTED CONNECTIONS

- ex girlfriend(s) — they probably wouldn’t have lasted long, got sick of his shit pretty quickly. he would’ve been a decent boyfriend but he had a hard time conceptualizing a future with anyone. we can elaborate on this

- “we made out once when we were drunk but i don’t remember it” awkwardness

-  god i fucking LOVE unrequited plots please just give me pining that isn’t mutual, i think its so funny. either someone that he’s constantly hitting on to no avail, or someone he doesn’t know how he feels about but is really interested in him.

-  someone he owes money and tries to avoid

- roomate(s) !!!!!!!!! he lives in gorham and would probably be terrible to live with, i wont lie.

- fwb(s) dude i imagine sage to be so fun to hook up with. the kind of guy who would make u laugh sm during sex.

- someone he’s drunkenly gotten into fights with

- a fucking best friend pleaseeeee

- i’m going to be reblogging more ideas in this tag

[rossetteaaaaang]

Pinagtagpo pero di tinadhana

A story about two lovers that who fall and break for a reason. Trisha's pov I was in the middle of thinking about something, when my eyes got stuck in a man who's laughing with his friends. He got a shining eyes, pointed nose and dark but nice skin. I was never been this amazed with a man. I got choke with my own saliva when his eyes met mine, I immediately busy myself with the food in the table. I heard them laugh, after a minute it became silent so I slowly look at the stand where they are staying and they're gone, I took a deep breath. I was never been this nervous in a guy before. 'Oh, I've been staying here for 4 hours already pfft.' This place really got my attention. I love the designs and their food also. I don't know, there is something here that made me want to always go back. By the way I am here in Yoo-hoo restaurant. When I am bored in the house, I always go here. Well, I do really nothing haha. I don't have friends because I'm just new here. I stayed in Newyork for about 7 years. My mom told me that this is her hometown in Cagayan de Oro city. Well, it is nice here though. 'Kringggg kringgg' 'Oh, my mom' I answered. 'Hello mom?' 'Where are you!' She yelled in the phone. I close my eyes real hard. Here we go again. '*sigh* mom, I didn't go far okay? I'm just here at--' she interrupted what I was about to say. 'I know, you're at that restaurant again. How many times do I need to tell you that, stop going there huh?' She yelled. I really don't know why mom hate this place. It is nice and so comfortable to stay with. 'Okay okay whatever. I'm going. Mygad mom I'm already 22 yet you're still--' okay fine she ended up the call. When she knew that I was always going in that restaurant she became the beast that I didn't know she'll become pfft I mean, she's so angry that night and when I will ask her why she just always telling me not to ask anymore. Whatever, old woman now a days *rolled my eyes* 'Hey mom' I said and then kissed her forehead. 'You spoiled brat did y--' I cut her off 'Yes mom yes sorry okay?' Im here at my bed searching something, scrolling through my news feed and suddenly someone add me. 'Hmm, Troy Gabriel huh. How come he knew me? That's weird' by the way, he's the guy who I described earlier hmm. [Troy Gabriel have one message] 'Omg?' TG: [You changed a lot wow. You look like a Goddess] huh? Did he know me before? [Excuse me, if you wouldn't mind. Did we met before? You seem so familiar.] TG: [secret] what? So annoying, so I just seen the message. TG: [Heeeeey? You there?] [You're always be my seenderella] [I'm not yours] I replied TG: [hmm] Troy Gabriel POV I missed her so much. But, it seems she didn't know me. I still love her. In those 7 years that we're apart. My love didn't change a bit. That's why when I saw her in our favorite restaurant, my heart skipped a bit. Is there a chance that, she still love me? 7years ago (flashback) 'Hey babe, where do you want to go hmm?' I asked. 'Anywhere babe as long as I'm with you.' She said and then she hold my hand. 'How sweet pftt happy 5th anniversary babe' I said then kissed her forehead. 'Happy 5th years of being enemy babe' she said then laugh. What a beautiful view. I stared at her beautiful face. I can't imagine my life without her. I just love her so much and I will do everything for her. 'Let's go?' She said. 'Hmm' I nodded. We just keep on talking, laughing about anything while I am driving. We decided to go to Palawan. Then suddenly a large truck came our way. I tried my best to get away but I lost control. The next thing I knew I woke up in the hospital bed. 'Hey gab thank God you're awake.' My mom said while teary eyes. 'Mom? Where's Trisha? Is she okay? I want to see her--' I said and then when I was about to stand up she stopped me. 'Darling, im sorry but--' 'But what mom! I need to see her' I shouted I can't explain the feeling. 'Her mother decided to bring her in newyork okay? I'm sorry darling but she is unconscious she needs to be treated there. She needs a good doctor.' I cried while hearing those words. Its my fault, its all my fault. 'How many days I was sleeping?' 'One  month gab' she replied. It was really bad, huh. I will never forgive myself if something bad happened to her. After 1month and 3days I'm finally discharged in the hospital. I called her many times but I can't contact her. I chatted her in all social media accounts but I didn't get any response, so I went to their house. I press the doorbell many times but no one appeared. Even their maid was (wala). Is it that bad? I need to see her really. When I was about to go, someone park a car. I was so excited maybe it was her. But when I saw that its her mother and there's no  Trisha appeared. I immediately run to her mom and asked her where Trisha is. 'Tita where's Trisha? Is she okay? Tita I'm really sorry I did--' she stopped me. 'From now on you need to start your life without her. She doesn't need you anymore. She is okay without you. Your just putting her in danger! And she doesn't deserved someone like you. She lost her memory and its all your fault. As a consequence I will not let her know you.' 'wha-t? What are you saying tita? We promised each other! Where is she? Tell me Tita please tita' I kneel down begging for her to tell me where my Trisha is. 'I don't like you for her. She don't have future in you now go away' she said then went to their house.' (End of flashback) I tried my best to move on and forget about her. Even if it is so hard. But, I need to, for myself and for the people who still needs me. I smoke, I drink liquor everyday to forget her. I always go to the bar. I tried many girls. But there is no change. Its still her. 'Argg' I punch the punching bag real hard. I'm here at my mini gym. I saw her! And all of my anger were gone. I just want to ran to her and hug her tightly. My seenderella I missed her. That's why I searched for her social media accounts and then I found out that she has new account and then I added her. Gladly she accepted it. I will make her fall in love with me again.. Trisha's POV 'Hays, what am I gonna do here' I'm bored. [Someone's calling] 'Hmm who's this?' I answered. 'Hello?' 'Hey shang, where are you?' 'Who's this? And why did you know my nickname?' 'Long story shang hahaha' he replied. 'Wth? And where did you get my number? And who's this!?' 'Chill shang its me gab' 'Gab? The one who chatted me last night? Wth? Are you a stalker or what?' 'Of course not! You putted your number in your fb account.' Hmm ahh yeah I did. 'Ahh okay. What do you need?' 'Lets date hmm just a friendly date.' 'Are you insane? What if you're killer or what? I still didn't remember anything from the past and then I'll be dead no way.' I said hysterically. 'Hey, chill there seenderella. Do I look like a killer? Pftt and wait? What are you talking about, the past?' 'Never mind.' I said. No one should know it. Mommy told me that I'll start my life with something new. But sorry to say this that I really want all my memories to comeback and I will do everything I can to have it. 'Come on seenderella. Its on me. You don't have to bring money. My treat. Besides I'm really bored right now and hungry also. Come on.' Hmm, should I trust him? Well, I'm bored also. Okay, I'll just bring my pepper spray. 'Okay, where?' 'Yes! Uhm *clears throat* sorry. Where do you want to go?' He asked. 'What? Why me? You're the one who planned this out so you should be the one to decide where.' 'Okay what ever. Let's go in Mega mall. I'll pick you up' he said. Hmm okay he'll pick me up-- wait what? 'What did you say? Hey did you know where---' he ended up the call. What ever dude. Its your problem anymore. After 20 minutes.. 'Trisha there's a guy waiting for you outside' yaya maling said. 'Okay yaya thankyou.' It is him? He is really a stalker. How come he knew my nickname and then our house? I get my bag and then went out. I saw him beside his car. Hmm he's really handsome though. But I don't like him. Its just that there's something in him that makes me comfortable. 'Let's go?' He said while having a big smile in his face. 'How did you know our address huh? You're really a stalker' 'I have many source pftt. And this kind of face? Stalker? Really seenderella?' He said while smirking. 'What ever dude let's go' he is about to open the door for me when I stopped him. 'I'm not disabled I can do it by myself' 'I'm just trying to be a gentleman here. Attitude ka siszt?' 'Well I don't need it.' I said. 'Woah, chill there. Okay fine.' He said then went to his spot. [We arrived at the mall] 'Let's watch movie?' 'Sure, you said awhile ago you're hungry? Are we not gonna eat up first?' 'Your hungry also? Oh, okay sure. Lets go.' 'Not really, its you' 'oh so you're concern now?' Our day spent well. We enjoyed it well. Days passed being like that. We don't have days that we're not together. We always bond, eat foods and going everywhere. Until one day, we went to Palawan. I remembered this.. 'Ah, my head hurts.' 'What? You okay? What happened?' I stared at him for a long time. 'I  finally remember everything.' Gab' POV 'What? You can now recognized me babe?' Teary eyes as I said to her. 'Yes babe' she said while crying 'Sorry babe' she added. 'Hey, its okay. No don't cry please. Thank God you finally remembered me.' I said while hugging her. 'Let's go to the hospital. You need to be checked babe.' 'Sure' she said. I was so happy finally. [2years later.] Trisha's POV Since I remembered everything. Everything seems to be perfect. Mom and I have talk and I forgive her. Also Mom and Gab. But something's went wrong to Gab. He changed. I don't know. He's always telling me that he's busy. Every time I planned out a date. He always refused. I need to ask him. I'm confused. [Calling gab...] 'Hey babe? Where are you' I asked. 'At house why?' 'Come here please let's talk. I need to ask something from you.' 'Sure, I need to tell you something as well, Trish.' He said. Trish? Is he mad? I'm nervous. [Minutes later] 'Hey babe, you're here.' 'Yeah' he replied. 'What do you want? Juice coffee?' I asked. 'No need. Let's talk about the main reason why I'm here.' 'Oh, okay' 'Now, ask' he said I sigh 'Gab? What's wrong with you? Do you still love me? Did I do something stupid again? Are you mad?' He close his eyes hard. 'Sorry Trish' he said. Tears start flowing down my face. 'So-sorry-- what? What Gab?' 'Let me explain first Trish. Okay? *sigh* I'm sorry. This passt few days I felt nothing anymore. The spark, my feelings were gone. I'm sorry I need to be honest with you. I don't want to hurt you and fake my love.' 'You're already hurting me Gab!' I shouted. It hurts so bad. What happened gab? 'Do you have new? That's why you're like that?' 'No I don't have pshh. I spent the whole two f week to sum up everything, Trish. I'm sorry. I don't know why I ended up this way. I need to find myself first. I'm sorry. Please do take care of yourself.' He said. 'Noooo, Gab please. Let's talk. What happened please' Im down on bended knees. I hug him but he refuse and then he leave. [4months had passed] Those 4 months was hell. I tried to message him but all of his social media account was deactivated. Even in the text I can't send him maybe he blocked me. I didn't have any strength to the point that all the food that I intake, my body refuses it. I tried suicide many times but I guess its still not my time. I t is really sad, that the person we thought to stick with us through thick and thin is already gone not thinking about the promises that they had made, not thinking about the memories that you had build together, the sweetness you had shared and the laugh and happiness you felt when you're still together. It is sad and depressing but you need to move forward for yourself and for the people who love you. I realized that, people come and go into your life but they are either a blessing or a lesson. I trust God and the process. I believed my man was just stock in the traffic. And he is the one who will keep on choosing me everyday even if how hard I am to handle with. And to Gab.. Its been 4months and 19 days since the last time we talked. Hoping you're doing good. Wherever you are right now. I hope that you took all of my advises that I thought you before. Be a better version of yourself. I'm also thankful for the days that I am with you. I experienced to loved and be loved. But I know its just a temporary moment. I'm sorry that I still misses you everyday. But don't worry, I finally accepted everything. I'm sorry for all the wrong decisions that I had made. I wish you all the good things in life though, you left me unattended. Do not rush things if you feel that you're still not ready for doing so, farewell old buddy, till we meet again. Be safe and be happy always. No more hate, no more bitterness. I hope I could tell you these so we can be good friends. But I know things won't turn out the way I wanted it to be. God allowed us to love each other, fall and break for a reason, so be it. Our pains will soon be our testimony that love is somehow isn't all about being together forever. I won't forget you and I will treasure our memories together. Please love your next as much as I loved you before. I guess and I hope that you have found someone better that I am. Thank you for the lesson, babe. Till we meet again.

#Short Story #Creative writing

[xflower-childx]

Framily

I woke up to a text from my sister saying that she wanted to voice chat today to update me on some family drama. I ordered some breakfast from a local restaurant (Omelette and breakfast potatoes, unfortunately they fucked up and put meat in it which really upset me) and sat down to call her. We talked a bit, I shared how Meeks may have Corona and how work could potentially shut down because she stopped by my job just before she showed the signs of it. We then talked a bit about some other small things before she laid into the drama...

We talked for 3 hours about the family, she explained how mama bear has now started lying to everyone about who said what about paying rent and the owning of the house and my aunt was in town and she got swept into it. It's become a mess and my heart hurts that it's gotten to a point where my sister's are saying they want to pull away and shun our parents for a while. I know that my family has been cracked for a long time and as we've grown and started to see them as fellow adults and not mom and dad we haven't liked the people we see. I love them, they have given me a good life and taught me so much and I know they've given up so much to give me my life, but as Breezy and I spoke we both shared some hard growing periods we had to go through from some past traumas with them, most of them steming from religion. We've all been able to work through that and find our own beliefs much to their dismay, although they hold onto hope that we will 'Find our way back'.

I can't unload everything that was talked about, it's too much and not exactly necessary. I wanted to share some thoughts though, starting with the lack of growing my parents have. The last time I wrote I said that some people choose to stop growing, whether it be from them thinking they don't need to learn anymore from age, they firmly believe they are right and never wrong, or they are just too stagnant in their place that they can't or don't really feel the need to move. I think that for the past 30ish years they've grown far too codependent that they don't know who they are individually and they aren't able to move on their own. They aren't able to learn or grow. Unfortunately I think within that time they lost any love they ever had for each other. I don't think that when they look at each other they see love, I think they see resentment. As they should because goddamn their relationship is toxic and unhealthy.

When I moved to Florida I started studying their relationship more and seeing the way they treated one another. Mom always controlling everything my father said and did and any penny he ever made and my father walking on eggshells around her aways trying to make her happy. I remember telling R that I never wanted a relationship like theirs and how it pained me to see it. Breezy said she told Reka the same thing, that if they ever got to this point or long before where mom and dad are now that they better divorce because now... Now I don't think they even know what to do. Both my sister's and I say they should just divorce and my dad even admitted that we moved to Florida he didn't ever imagine it being with my mother. He assumed she would just stay in Ohio with her friends and family and he would move away and then life would play itself out... Probably with divorce.

They are holding on, not for the right reasons though. Mom would have to work harder to provide for herself (Money. Mom would lose another income) and dad would lose a companion. They would lose their routine. They would lose their normality. They are so unhappy though and I just wish they would realize they don't have to be, that if they cared enough to still try and make it work that there are steps they can take to try and save their relationship, or if they come to find that they aren't the one for each other that maybe it's time to let go and find a new normal away from each other. Sitting and allowing this mess to continue and allowing themselves to hurt isn't healthy though and its affecting the family.

I don't know what this means next. I know changes will be happening soon though and that scares me. My sisters are over the bullshit and they're talking about moving, one into a house still in a Florida, the other back to Ohio. I know how hard it is to live in that house though and I don't blame them. I can't imagine what will happen between mom and dad when the nest is officially empty. Especially if they are cut off by their kids.

With my blood family falling apart I find so much appreciation for my friends family. I've made a nice little one with those closest to me. I know I can trust and rely on them for anything and I love that. I've learned from the mistakes of others around me to grow myself and discover what I need to thrive. I was explaining this to Breezy how my observant self would watch all the relationships form and fail around me to see what was healthy and what wasn't. How I know I only want the healthy ones and I won't settle for any less. She had asked if that also meant R as she knew we had light contact but as she was doing a FB purge she noticed R and a bit and then noticed that he and I weren't friends but she thought we were starting to be, I told her that yeah we occasionally chat but as far as our friendship goes I am not in control, that if our friendship were to move in any direction even as simple as being friends on social media I am not making any movement with it. I don't care to take the reins with that anymore as I feel I've played myself as The fool too many times for that and I put down my sword. I've made it known that I'm around and open for communication and beginning a friendship but it's up to him to stand up and make the move this time. She gave me a look as if to see if I was sure to even allow him back into my life, I reassured her that I was comfortable enough in myself to do so, that I would never allow anyone, including and especially him to ever make me feel like I wasn't special, important or good enough. That I know my worth and value and that if he ever made me feel close to less than what I am that it would get shut down real quick.

I didn't tell her that I knew he had it in him though. I didn't tell her that I knew he had the capability to make me feel like that I was the most important girl, that he had done that before for short periods of time. He just didn't have the confidence in himself to be that guy. He didn't have the drive to. He had the drive and confidence to find himself though and I understand that being more important of course. People change, grow and evolve, hearts heal and get stronger. So with all this being said does that mean I hold onto him finding that capability and popping back into my life, us talk through our shit and going from there whether it be friendship or something else? No, not really. I think it's possible and I would accept that gladly and I think we could work through it, but if I'm honest I've waited since the day we basically met for the wheels to turn in his brain and line up on this topic and I'm tired of waiting and I'm a shamelessly impatient and antsy gal... Also there is broken trust there that hasn't had the chance to heal yet. If someone were to come to me and ask me out on a date tomorrow, I would accept it openly and keep my mind open to whatever could happen. I know what I want and what I wish could happen, but I don't want to miss out on something that could be amazing because I'm wishing for something or someone else to make an appearance or at least show interest or care. I value my time much more than that, and I have so much love to give that I want to share it with more than just my framily. Also with everything going on with my parents it just proves my point even more that I don't want love or a relationship like that, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me or in one where we don't want see each other learn and grow and love the other through it all, even the shitty moments. I won't settle for anything less than I'm sure of and I'm damn stubborn over that. I know that life works in mysterious ways and at its own pace and I'm truly happy with where and who I am and the directon I'm going but a girl just wants to sip her tea while watching Queer Eye cuddling more than just her dog at the end of a long day, ya know?

[twisted-petal]

Death Continued: Part 5

... "And in case you're still reading... You weren't hiding anyone... When I warned you about my ability to figure shit out, I was giving you the chance to come clean... I told you I just wanted to know. We could have worked something out. Something more pleasant. And YOU... I can't even be vague enough on here for you. You should have listened before...

Gods I could go on forever... Just to finally be heard. For my words to finally be understood? It's not as though I ask for much action, or even a physical presence... A voice, an ear, or some lines of text.

Just stop fighting me... Stop lying... Stop fucking flirting, and stop trying to fix me! I just want some fucking honesty and support! I try so hard to do whatever I can for any of you who come to me. I have sacrificed a great deal for some. The least you could do is humour me for a bit...

/vent

Going to make this last bit quick; FB keeps trying to crash my phone and not posting this, and making me rewrite shit and I need to stop c-c

If you really need to comment or ask a question or whatever, I just ask that you do so in private and just be nice. Please? I've been avoiding social media and my phone in general (save those I felt I could trust and felt safest around...). I don't want to deal with any more crap. I just want to feel normal again, and a lot of people I've been going to or who have come up to me have not made that any easier. I can only hope I've made it clear to any of you, personally, that I have appreciate what little you were able to do for me. Especially not knowing the details about him or anything else that happened last year. I was so determined to fight everything without being too much of a burden, by trying to be sneaky in my search for help.

I didn't want pity! I thought that the less you all knew, the easier it would be to find a friend willing to give me the time, and once things went south it made things worse... For myself and those involved. I hope that it doesn't stick to any one of you, now that I've left you alone or you've left me behind. I get it... Still don't like it. Doesn't make it any less my fault.

If I get any of your usual responses I *will* get pissed off. Don't want to deal with any shit... I've had enough..."

The feedback from the was... Mostly undesirable. I got the responses I specifically asked not to receive, was promised more attention from those who lost contact with me and never received it, and all males tried taking advantage of my "vulnerability". I'm not an idiot...

On October 28th, I went to a Halloween party with my landlady and a friend of hers. She was on her phone the entire time, her friend vanished to go hit some dabs or whatever-the-fuck, and a gal mistook me for an ex's ex (I don't believe they're together) as we wore similar outfits (I saw her go by once that night), and so smacked my ass. Discomfort and awkwardness around. We were at Johnny B's, which added to the anxiety as I worried I would run into a different ex: If I am not friends with my exes, I am more or less terrified to run into them.

I wanted out of here... Around 1:30 I was convincing Corey to come take me home, as I was wearing a corset and fluffy skirt, shoes with heels (hate heels...), it was cold, and my ankle didn't let the cold or the shoes (I was wearing my cosplay from RTX). He finally agreed to come get me, and I invited him in to come chat as we used to - we were not together.

We fell asleep after I curled up to him, still not feeling all that great from my trip to Portland, which I told him. He rarely stayed a whole night, let alone not demand sex. I woke up to him yanking my pants down...

I have been called a liar, a whore, and accused of begging for attention by calling rape. Gods forbid I seek attention or support from those around me at all... I have lost many friends over this.

March 18th it was brought to me attention (in an irritating and vague way) that he had been arrested for sexual abuse. Because of my cowardice, he attacked someone else and on March 8th he was admitted to the local jailhouse. There are now three counts under his name. I don't know if it's from the same gal or others speaking up, but I wish I had the courage and finances to add to his sentence... His bail is set to $50,000 with no release date posted.

I have grown colder and bitchier than ever before, trying to explain to some why this is the case and faced with zero patience, tolerance, or support. Through everything, I have been alone.

I smoked heavily after this, trying to forget. Cut myself off from everyone around me. Eventually I started reaching out to those I was most comfortable around and now they are gone. I am too broken to them...

Puppy insisted I stay with him for a week up in Portland. My stay started off terribly... There were mobs going around to prostest Trump: Breaking windows, starting fires, vandalizing and shit, and he lived a few blocks from where they rallies took place. I kept him up-to-date on when my bus left and when I would arrive - texting him several times as the bus entered the city and I grew closer to the station.

Waiting outside the station, bums who frequented there would ooze closer and a couple confronted me. He assured me he was on his way with his friend (who I was eager to finally meet). Discomfort and anxiety increasing as I was surrounded by these strange people trying to talk to me, I finally made my own way to his place; Puppy's place wasn't all that for from the station, just across the street and over a small bridge.

He finally made it to the station just a few minutes after I got to his complex - he was furious. I was scared and alone... He knew when I would be there! I kept him up-to-date! Why wasn't he just there...... Why would he leave me waiting like that... Alone...

I very much enjoyed the short time I was able to spend with him... He had to work, but we had a couple days to venture out. He also forgot what day I was leaving... It felt like he wasn't at all pleased with my visit... I was mopey and slow from not feeling well, and I wasn't smiling much... I completely destroyed my time with him...

I spent my days watching videos to help me smile more, reading one of the books I got at Powell's, and cleaning his apartment. I swear that boy hadn't cleaned since the day he moved in. It was the least I could do for him - I wanted to feel useful again and care for him as he cared for me... I wanted him to feel relaxed and comfortable and come back to a clean environment. I wanted to see him smile... His smile is my absolute favorite sight, and he always hid it from me because he doesn't like his smile lines. I adore him. Every inch of him... He was my muse, my comfort, my confidence, and my joy.

I don't need him for these feelings, but he was a major source of these that I greatly welcomed - I appreciated his presence far more than he could ever understand or that would matter to him... I wish I could have done the same for him... He's so hard on himself... If he wasn't such a poop-face. But it doesn't matter... He has made it perfectly clear that I am too broken for him... Saying he just wants to focus on himself, only to inform me he's found someone he wants to get close to... Always when I start smiling inside again... I truly wish him luck in finding a mate that will allow him to see all the amazing colors in life that he's missing. I wonder if he ever figured out what those new colors I showed him meant... I hope they weren't bad colors...

- Sidenote: He told me once long ago so I can't remember the name or details exactly, but he sees moods/feelings as color: Synesthesia, I believe. I looked it up to be sure, but there are several different types of color associated sensory conditions, and I don't know all he experiences.... Sensory experience* sounds much better than "condition". Wiki says it's a "phenomenon".

Honestly... I could write just as much as I have now about all he means to me and my interactions with him on the two and a half years I've known him... So...

We visited Powell's, checked out the art store near his place, and took a bus to the comic and pet shops he goes to. I picked up a few books and comics that I very much want to complete, and I had such a great time being out and about with him. I had shut myself away after what had happened... I'd been feeling so dead inside. Still a bit of a shut-in, but I'm finally getting out more to get some things done.

Living with who I am... I continue to struggle with feeling at all decent about myself... Corey being in jail has made job searching easier, as I no longer live around the area he frequented and there's no chance of bumping into him, but my legs have grown weak since my accident at Michaels and it has made me a tad lazy... It doesn't take much anymore for my ankle to start hurting, and my knees have grown a tad wobbly. My confidence is still shot, depression less crippling but still heavy, and I'm just not the bad-ass chick with the smile that brightens any room, anymore...

Actually... There are so many more details I want to get into - of my recent days and those from events I've already described - but I feel I've said enough... I have no one to talk with and I just wish to speak. For someone to finally listen to me and sympathize in some way. To not be spoken to in a textbook, regurgitated manner. I miss having someone to connect with... A back-and-forth conversation about anything: troubles, success, interests, displeasures, complains, approvals - everything.

Ducky told me long ago that it is important to vent... Before he and I got together I bottled up everything and he saw how it was destroying me. Those years before him have been condensed and intensified this year and a fouth, with all that has happened in this short time... There is so much left unsaid.

Today (upon writing this) the family gets together to pick what they want of Grams' old possessions... I have been drinking this afternoon... I'd picked up drinking so I could grow sleepy enough to pass out as my roommate games late into the night and I cannot find sleep. Today I drink for stress and anxiety and sadness. This will not become a habit; I have always been good at avoiding being consumed by addictive substances.

As much as I repeat to myself on a daily basis that I should not exist, I will live on and continue to fight. And no; my roommate does not comfort me, console, or converse with me. He is just there. Sharing a room with a dude suuuuuuucks and I am glad I did not accept his confession. He has proven to be disgusting, wasteful, and inconsiderate. I am still thankful for the invitation to stay here, though. It's just difficult and tiring...

고맙습니다, thank you.

([I hope I wrote that right, I'm still learning and have found too many ways to say the same thing... 고마 ㅝㅛ?)]

[hopelesscobwebs]

92 Asks Game!

I’m finally doing this. I thought it would be fun and i’m bored af so here we go:

Tagged by: @just-a-crazy-nerd love you <3

LAST

1) Drink: Water (gotta stay hydrated y’all)

2) Phone call: My Dad.

3) Text message: “My legs are dead. All I wanna do is sleep but I have to do music homework” to my friend like a week ago (I don’t text much lmao).

4) Song listened to: Sumertime, By My Chemical Romance

5) Time you cried: Maybe 2 days ago? (I was really sad over MCR), but the last time I really, like really cried was maybe last week.

HAVE YOU EVER

6) Dated somebody twice: ahaha twice? You’re so funny. I haven’t dated someone once...

7) Been cheated on: My cat once slept on my sisters bed instead of mine so that counts.

8) Kissed someone and regretted it: What don’t you get about FOREVER ALONE HERE.

9) Lost someone special: Perhaps, It kinda depends really what you count as “lost”. But yeah, unfortunately.

10) Been depressed: I have been in dark mindsets a lot lately.

11) Gotten drunk and puked: Never been drunk before (I am so cool like that)

THREE FAVOURITE COLOURS

12) Probably Blue, But to narrow it down: Teal

13) Rich purple

14) Probably black

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU

15) Made new friends: Tons (ilysm guys)

16) Fallen out of love: no (kinda yes... but William doesn’t count)

17) Laughed until you cried: Yes, Yesterday (we were bottle flipping and then someone made a seal noise, don’t even get me started)

18) Found out someone was gossiping about you: Hopefully not, there’s not much to gossip about when it comes to me.

19) Met someone who changed your life: If Discovering MCR counts... then yes.

20) Found out who your true friends are: *Ahem*... yes...

21) Kissed someone on your Facebook list: Haha this list of asks is so funny. what don’t you get about NOT BEEN KISSED EVER... *cries*

HOW MANY/MUCH

22) Facebook friends: like almost 400? idek. (I know them all in person btw, i’m not one of those weirdos that just friends anybody). I barely use FB tbh

23) Pets: oh boy.... I have 6 cats guys... thats right, you can call me the crazy cat lady.

24) Want to change your name: My last name yes. Quick, somebody marry me

WHAT

25) Did I get for my birthday: A Spongebob birthday cake, a Vampire Diaries pillow, depression  um what... I got to eat all my fave foods in one day, that was pretty special even though i threw up at the end of it

26) Time I woke up: like 9:30?

27) Were you doing at midnight: Watching Frerard video edits...

28) Can’t you wait for: FOR ME TO ORDER MCR MERCH AS A TRIBUTE ON MARCH 22 *cries and dies*

29) Was the last time you saw your mom: like 4 hours ago.

30) Was something you wish you could change about your life: I sometimes wish I was born 10 years earlier but then I remember... there’d be no quality memes for a long time...

31) Are you listening to right now: MCR, what else honestly...

32) Gets on your nerves: When people make up those shitty things like “ UR NOT A TRUE FAN UNLESS YOU HAVE THIS OR DO THIS BLAH BLAH” like stfu, I am a fan in my own way. Racists, Homophobes, just basically anyone who thinks they have the right to tell you not to be yourself, like seriously, fuck off.

33) Talked to a person named Tom: My cat is called Tom, so that counts.

34) Is your most visited website: Tumblr, no doubt (or YouTube or guitar tabs, or Putlocker lets be honest)

35) Elementary school/primary school: I can’t even remember tbh and I ain’t tellin you

36) High School: The one I’m at now. Ha, got ya

37) College: n o , I am too young, gosh

38) Hair colour: Brown/ Blonde (streaks, naturally from sun lmao)

39) Long/short hair: I just cut it all off this year. Think 1920′s hair and that’s me.

40) Crush: There’s a cute guy in my chem class but that’s about it #foreveralone

41) Do you like about yourself: My final wakeup call of music interests. I used to be so shallow in that department. Um.... I guess I like the fact that I get on better with older people (I skipped a year at school so all my classmates are a year older anyways) idek. There’s not really much to like.

42) Piercings: 1 on each ear (i’m thinking of getting a second set) But I barely wear earrings tbh

43) Blood type: Idk, it would be cool to know tho

44) Nickname: Some of my friends call me Em but barely. Emy / Emz by family (if any of you call me that, it’ll be weird lmao) PLEASE START A TREND...CALL ME EM

45) Relationship status: single as a pringle and not ready to mingle please i have anxiety *daydreams about meeting perfect boy*

46) Zodiac: Scorpio yeah boi

47) Pronouns: she/her

48) Favourite show: Supernatural, Miraculous Ladybug (don’t call me a kid for watching it I swear I’ll end u ahaha), Rick and Morty, The Vampire Diaries... I could go on for days

49) Tattoos: I always think they’re a cool concept but i’d probably chicken out at the last minute, so no

50) Left or right handed: right

FIRST

51) Surgery: I got a tooth removed quite a few years back, I went under genral anaesthetic and everything.

52) Piercings: Ears

53) Best friend: Gabby, We don’t talk anymore sadly but I still love her <3

54) Sport: Ummm well i’ve always loved badminton but i’ve never taken a serious sport class before lmao

55) Vacation: I’m pretty sure it was to Melbourne, Australia, We saw some really cool outdoor art and went to see Wicked at some theater, that’s all I remember.

56) Pair of shoes: Say wat?

RIGHT NOW

57) Eating: I wish I was eating

58) Drinking: the dead souls of my enemies wait what

59) I am about to: Rearrange my sitting position and continue to write this long ass ask thing.

60) Listening to: The End, My Chemical Romance

61) Waiting for: My sis to get home so I can use her credit card to buy MCR merch, no really, this is the truth. I n e e ed it

62) Want to see: MCR get back together in 2019 for at least a reunion song or SOMETHING PLEASE. Also, a Panic! concert because I missed the last one in my country. ALSO a Supernatural Convention

63) Want to get married: Well it would be nice, gotta find a guy first, there’s the hard part

64) Career: I never know... I like to think that my dream is to be in a band but that aint ever gonna happen. I really wanna do something that can help people idek.

WHICH IS BETTER

65) Hugs/kisses: Well i’ve never kissed anyone and I lOvE HuGs, THEY ARE JUST SO NICE, LIKE AHHH GIMME UR LOVE, GIMME HUUUGGSSS. If I ever meet any of you in person, I’ll be really shy, but know deep down that all I wanna do is HUG YOU SNDKJGSND.

66) Lips/eyes: Eyes hold secrets, I love them

67) Taller/shorter: gimme da toll peeps, But I love the smol beans too

68) Younger/older: It depends

69) Romantic/spontaneous: probably spontaneous just to keep me on my toes.

70) Nice arms/nice stomach: um wat? idek i dont pay attention to that

71) Sensitive/loud: Sensitive

72) Hookup/relationship: Relationship definitely 

73) Troublemaker/hesitant: Hesitant alien

HAVE YOU EVER

74) Kissed a stranger: W h A t  D o N t   Y o U   g E t   A b O u T  i T... I AINT KISSED NOBODY BEFORE. gosh, way to rub it in *cries*

75) Drank hard liquor: well. i’ve tried some heavy stuff before but it was a sip and I spat it out coz it literally tasted like p o i s o n. Alcohol is so gross

76) Lost glasses/contact lenses: Don’t need glasses

77) Turned someone down: ??? There hasn’t been anyone to turn down god damnit

78) Canoodling on a first date: They gotta earn that, so no

79) Broken someone’s heart: I sure as hell hope not.

80) Had your own heart broken: mcr breaks my heart E V E R Y GOD DAMN DAY

81) Been arrested: no, I am a good gal

82) Cried when someone died: yes, my grandmother

83) Fallen for a friend: Oh boy, yesyesyes

DO YOU BELIEVE IN

84) Yourself: Not really, but I want to.

85) Miracles: I wish for them but I don’t really think they occur

86) Santa Claus: No, I actually never believed in him when I think about it

87) Kisses on a first date: YAS when it’s been all perfect and he walks ya up to your door ABJISLBHDLBHLA

88) Angels: um... Castiel???

89) Love at first sight: Yes but not like first sight, more like first discussion, when you can instantly click with someone in that first moment idk.

OTHER

90) Best friend’s name: Can I just list all my tumblr friends names? Because YOU GUYS ARE ACTUALLY ALL MY FAVES, YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU <3

91) Eye color: Grey Blue

92) Favourite movie: idek there are so many but: The Abduction Club, is one of my faves, Singin’ in the Rain, Sing Street, and that’s all that’s coming to mind atm.

I tag: (all my BEAUTIFUL AMAZING tumblr frens I mentioned before) @omg-i-cannot-even @shipsareamazing123 @mychemicalchinchilla @potterlock5ever @immacrazyfangirl @trashholeofshittybandstuff @shadowgirl077 @that-awkward-fangirl @lizbeth-loves-bobear @anyone i forgot and anyone who wants to do it! go ahead! <3

[amynchan]

Tag numero uno!

Actually got double tagged by @kwamimusings  XD

FIRST ONE

Rules: Answer the 20 questions and tag 20 amazing followers you’d like to get to know better!

Name: I’ll stick with Amy.  *^_^*

Nicknames: Ames, Yames, Sancouer

Zodiac Sign: Libra

Height: 5′10-11″

Orientation: Pretty sure I’m ace

Ethnicity: White.  XD

Favorite Fruit: Strawberries!

Favorite Season: I’m liking Spring.  I don’t have allergies and it’s when I start coming out of hibernation.  XD

Favorite Book: Do I have to pick one?

Favorite Flower: Used to be roses, but now I’m fond of sunflowers?

Favorite Scent: Freshly cut grass

Favorite animals: I’ve become fond of cats.

Coffee, Tea, or Hot Cocoa: Hot hot!  Hot chocolate!

Cat or Dog Person: Cats, because they’re more likely to be calmer than dogs

Favorite Fictional Character: Ummmmm

Dream Trip: An all around the world tour, stopping specifically to say hi to all my internet friends.  *^_^*

Blog Created: I think it was 2014 or something like that?

Number of Followers: 883 people who are all probably about as insane as I am  X’D

What I Post About: I reblog stuff I’m interested in, but also post fanarts, fanfictions, and poetry

Do I get asks on a regular basis: lolno

Aesthetic: Like...  visuals we like?  Countryside, with earthy colors and something that’s calm, but has the tinge of possible adventure on the horizon.  Just a tinge, though.  *^_^*

Hogwarts House: I’m a Huffle.  X’D

SECOND ONE!!

Rules: Write 92 rules about yourself, then tag 25 people. 

LAST ___:

Drink: Water Phone Call: My aunt Text message: Got one of those Facebook personality tests from my sister (it says I’m ruled by both emotion and logic.  XD) Song you listened to: Fields of Glory by High Kings Time you cried: This morning.  Dad said some things that I didn’t know I needed to hear, so yes, I cried.

HAVE YOU EVER ____: Dated someone twice: Yeah. Been cheated on: I don’t think so. Kissed someone and then regretted it: Yeah Lost someone special: Yes. Been depressed: Felt down?  Yeah.  I’m not sure if I ever got clinical depression, though. Gotten drunk and thrown up: Nope

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS: Purple, green, silver

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU _____: Made new friends: I make new friends online, but irl, I tend to latch onto my bro’s friends.  X’D  I have no social skills Fallen out of love: I don’t think so, because I don’t think I’ve ever felt honest to goodness love.  I’ve felt obligation and I’ve felt intense fondness, but I’m not sure if either of those were romantic love. Laughed until you cried: Oh heck to the yes.  I have a story about this. X’D Found out someone was talking about you: Yes.  It wasn’t pleasant Met someone who changed you: Yeah.  Both for the good and for the bad. Found out who your true friends are: Yes.  I have a story about my best friend where she literally dropped everything and she and her boyfriend came out to kidnap me and treat me to ice cream because I was sobbing my eyes out.  Best.  Friend.  Ever. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: Yes?  We were kind of dating at the time of said kissing, but we’re not anymore.  But we’re still friends, so it’s all good.

GENERAL: How many Facebook friends do you know in real life: Ummmm...  Most of them, actually.  Whenever I start to get too freaked out, I go through my FB list and take off people I don’t talk to anymore. Do you have any pets: Nope Do you want to change your name: I wanted to be named Crystal when I was younger.  And, of course, I did want to legally change my name to Amy.  I don’t anymore, though.  XD What did you do for your last birthday: A family get together with my family and my best friend, crowded around a freaking amazing cake.  Also, a karaoke competition! *^_^* What time did you wake up: Nine in the morning What were you doing at midnight last night: I think I was on this gosh darned site.  X’D

Name something you cannot wait for: Getting out of this school.  I swear it’s a ghost town in comparison to my last.  *shudders* When was the last time you saw your mother: A few hours ago. What is something you wish you could change about your life: I wish I had either a real job or was able to do serious commissions What are you listening to right now: The Black Velvet Band by High Kings Have you ever talked to a person named tom: Yup.  He’s my great uncle, actually.  *^_^* Something that is getting on your nerves:  Currently?  Ummmm....  my seemingly inability to go to sleep at a decent hour despite the fact that I’ve got choir tomorrow?  X’D Most visited website: Tumblr and ArchiveOfOurOwn.  ^^; Elementary: Secret High school: Secret College: Secret Hair color: Blonde Long or short hair: I keep it nice and short.  XD Do you have a crush on someone: Sorta?  But I think it’s going away now. What do you like about yourself:  I do my best to make people smile when I can? Piercings: None Blood type:  O Positive, I think Nickname: Didn’t we already do this one? Relationship status: All the single ladies, all the single ladies!  X’D Zodiac sign: Libra Pronouns: She/her Favorite TV show: I’ve gotten into the Great British Bake Off lately, which is really fun.  *^_^* Tattoos: None.  I’m terrified of needles.  X’D Right or left hand: Right

FIRST ____: Surgery: Does being knocked out for wisdom teeth removal count? Piercing: None Best friend: Someone I’d rather not talk about. Sport: I was never on any team Vacation: My little baby feet knew of the beach’s soft sand before I was a year old.  *^_^* Pair of trainers: Huh?

RIGHT NOW ___: Eating: Nothing Drinking: Nothing About to: Contemplate sleeping Listening to: The Auld Triangle by High King (though this is the third time you’ve asked now.  0.o) Waiting for: An email that’s probably never gonna come. XD Want: My papers to be done, but iLazy.  X’D Get married: Eventually, but as stated, I am a single lady, so it’s not happening anytime soon. X’D Career: Don’t have one yet, but I’m hoping to be a college English professor in the future.

WHICH IS BETTER ____: Hugs or kisses: Hugs just feel nicer.  *^_^* Lips or eyes: Eyes are the window to the soul Shorter or taller: Taller Older or younger: Um...  not sure, honestly Nice arms or nice stomach: Arms.  The better to hug you with, my dear. Sensitive or loud: A mix of both?  I’m not terribly loud, but I do enjoy the company of one who isn’t afraid to be happy or gushing. Hook up or relationship: Relationship Troublemaker or hesitant: Ummmm...

HAVE YOU EVER ____: Kissed a stranger: Pfft, no way!  A stranger can’t even pat me on the back without me jumping a mile high.  X’D Drank hard liquor: I don’t think so? Lost glasses/contact lenses: Ahahahahaha....  yeah. X’D Turned someone down: Ummm, sorta?  But he didn’t even mean it in the first place, so when I tried to stutter my way through the fact that I was flattered but didn’t even know him, he and his pal just kinda laughed at me, hooting about how I’d even believed it in the first place.  That’s the only time I remember, so..  *shrugs* Sex on first date: Ew, no! Broken someone’s heart: I’m afraid so. Had your own heart broken: Only by myself. Been arrested: Nah, but I’ve been in the back of a police car. Cried when someone died: Yes. Fallen for a friend: I thought I did?  But I was misidentifying my fondness for him.  Like, I want him to grow and be happy and live a happy life, but it ain’t gonna be with me.  X’D

DO YOU BELIEVE IN ____: Yourself: *shrugs*  I mean, I should, but....  meh. Miracles: I believe they happen. Love at first sight: I don’t think so. Santa Claus: Sadly no.  X’D Kiss on the first date: I don’t even know how to kiss properly, so I’d say nah.  X’D Angels: I’m not 100% sure, but I think they’re there.

OTHER ____: Current best friend’s name: Can’t spill a secret that isn’t mine to tell. ;) Eye color: They change from green to blue then to green again Movie: Anastasia is always a good one.

[matesinspace]

The Cheese Lover vs. The Brooding Soldier

"Relax, I think you're gonna like him! You both have a military background.”

"Why do I have to meet another one of your exes?"  

"Because he's gonna be staying over at our ship for a while. We need him to get through to the Andromedan Galaxy. He's a bounty hunter, too."

A vein bulged in the man’s forehead. "We already have one of your gamer nerd boyfriends here."

"Maxie, they're both doing us a favor! Please." Firebird held his large hands in hers, comforting him. "They'll be gone before you know it."

He relaxed a bit, eyebrows furrowing. "All right, Rosie." A smirk.

She rolled her eyes at him as she walked away.

"I love you, Maxie boy! Don't forget that." Turning on her heels, she looked him in the eye. "Even if all my exes conveniently show up at the same time, you're the only one for me."

"Pfft." Maximus caught the kiss in the air and placed it on his chest.

The doorbell rang again, reminding them of the visitor's presence. "Doorbell!" Nick's voice rang from one of the rooms, irritating the soldier.

"I'm in the middle of a stream here, could one of you go get it?"

"On it!" Firebird chirped. Unlocking the complex series of locks, she was greeted by a giant of a man. Muscular and stocky, with an eyepatch over his right eye, he looked every bit the pirate.

"Rosetta!" His deep voice bellowed, sounding something like Thor in the Avengers.

"Mike!" The man went in for a hug but she ducked quickly out of the way.

"This is my boyfriend, Captain Maximus of the Diagons."

The man's expression hardened. He turned to Max and held out his hand. "The name's Mike."

Maximus took one looked at Mike’s downturned hand and kept his arms crossed. Merely acknowledging the other man’s presence, he put an arm around Firebird and started walking.

Mike glowered at him, grinning passive-aggressively. “Not a talker, bud?”

“Yeah, he’s the silent type!” Firebird explained sheepishly. “By the way, we’ll be showing you to your room now!”

They showed him to the second guest room, right beside Nick’s, where his commentary and video game music could be heard.

“Nice of you folks to let me stay here while I lend my services.” Sticking his fingers into his belt loops, he smirked at his red-haired host. “Can I come over to your room and visit you when you’re lonely, Rosetta?”

“That won’t be necessary.” Maximus cut in, intervening.

“Lighten up, will ya?” Mike chuckled. “Can’t you take a joke?”

“You’re still not allowed in our room.” His voice was a frigid deadpan as he sized up the other male.

“I’ll have you know Firebird and I are in the same line of work. You’ll never understand her the way I do… you’ll also never know her the way I do.” The suggestive smile on Mike’s face made Maximus want to scrape it off with a cheese grater. Or a chainsaw.

Raising his hand to give Max a patronizing slap on the back, Mike was shocked when the soldier responded with a firm grip.

“C-calm down!” Firebird began, but in a second, they were at each other’s throats, attacking each other with various forms of laser weaponry. The aggression from earlier’s interactions got too pent up and could only be sated with violence.

“FOR CHRIST’S SAKE, WILL YOU GET ALONG OR BOTH OF YOU ARE OUT OF MY LIFE!”

Grunting, the two men stopped trying to kill each other.

“I’m trying to make this work. Okay? I know both of you hate each other right now, but it will be over soon. You’ll never see each other again.”

She turned to Maximus. “We need to talk.”

As they strode up to the ship roofdeck, Mike shot Maximus a proud “You’re in trouble!” smirk then disappeared into his room to make love to his favorite food in the world.

Nick’s head popped out into the doorway. “Can you guys keep it down? I’m trying to stream and the laser sounds are wreaking havoc on my audio.”

SHIP ROOFDECK

"I can see why you broke up with him. What an asshole.”

“He’s … that type of alpha male. The weird kind? Just think of him as Donald Trump and try not to take him too seriously.” Firebird sighed. “This is for you and your sanity, remember? We need him to-”

“Yeah, the lost Andromedan Galaxy.” He put a hand behind Firebird’s head and pulled her onto his chest. “Thanks a lot, FB. I’ll try not to blow him up while he’s here.”

Face buried on his chest, she replied cheekily. “Thanks, that would be great. Also, can you not use me as a stress ball?”

He let go of her after one last squeeze, then watched her walk to the end of the room. He raised a questioning eyebrow.

Ala "To All The Boys I've Loved Before," the redhead approached a cabinet of boxes full of names (raising questions for Max, of course). They were gifts from her exes, too valuable to throw away and too expensive to sell until she found the right buyer.

Heartless? Sentimental? Neither! She was being smart.

She opened a box with Mike's name on it, and out came a cask of expensive-looking collector’s blue cheese with angel dust sprinkled on top. Firebird recalled it was grown with a rare mold as well as alien royal jelly, used to create queens of an exotic insect species on an faraway planet.

Interestingly, the cheese had a suspicious hole in the middle.

The memories came flooding back.

"Mike, I'm home!" Firebird called out in her usual A pair of jeans spread out over the couch caught her eye. Squinting suspiciously, she crossed over to the kitchen to find Nick's boxers on the floor... near the counter.

What was going on? A shirt (at least what was left of it) was strewn around the hallway as she made her way to the bedroom.

"Either he's getting murdered by a rapist alien who likes to remove clothing before eating its victims, or he's cheating on me." She narrowed her eyes. "It better not be the second one."

The telltale signs were there. Soon enough, the telltale sounds filled her ears.

Nick's uncontrollable moaning erupted from behind the door. "OH OH yes... my baby, you are so good to me! Ooooooohhhhhh! Oh! You want to feel daddy inside you again? Naughty little girl, I could just eat you up!"

...

She took one of her explosives (the one that beeped with a death rattle before going off) and left it on the floor, calmly getting into the only escape pod left in the ship. Selectively sucking in all her belongings (a useful feature for quick escapes), she pushed a button and was on her way to her best friend.

Before she left, she heard Nick scream out. "OH. I just wanna spread you all over me! Oh, let me taste you and lick you all over mmhm..."

?

Why did it seem like he was talking about condiments? Whatever. She didn’t need someone who didn’t understand how busy she was. She didn’t need someone who couldn’t wait for her. She didn’t need a cheater.

If you don't love someone anymore, just leave them. Don't break their heart that way.

MEL’S DINER

Firebird walked coldly into the diner, surprising even Nailah. “Uh, girl? … what happened?”

In seconds, she was a hot mess, tears and whimpering flooding nonstop from her petite frame. Nailah hugged her immediately. “Oh my God. You can tell me. Shhhh, your bestie’s here to-”

The girl pulled out a knife. “Kill whoever did this to you, my sweet smol child, don’t worry.”

“I don’t know why anyone would cheat on me! Is something wrong with me!? Am I ugly!? Am I too busy? This is the first time this has happened to me and I have no clue what to do or what to feel God it hurts so much and I just wanna cry and be depressed but I also want to stick a fork in his eyeball we were dating for quite a while now and I thought he was the one because he and I are in the same line of work and are supposed to understand each other-”

“Mike.” Nailah growled, under her breath. Leaving the knife on the table, she gave FB her Comfort-o-Matic stuff toy (saved for moments like this) and calmly went to order fries at the diner counter.

A jazz band was singing onstage.

Your cheatin' heart

Will pine some day

And crave the love

You threw away

The time will come

When you'll be blue

Your cheatin' heart

Will tell on you

“Not now! Something snappy!” Nailah snapped, throwing a bunch of bills into the request-a-song jar.

Why do you build me up Buttercup, baby

Just to let me down and mess me around

And then worst of all you never call, baby

When you say you will but I love you still-

“SOMETHING HAPPY.”

You're just too good to be true

I can't take my eyes off you

You'd be like heaven to touch

I wanna hold you so much

“Okay, that’s better!” Food in tow, she went to her scorned friend and picked up the knife.

“Be right back, darling!”

“N-no it’s okay, I blew up his ship… to think I’d ever live with a cheater.” She sobbed. “Would a guy cheat on someone he really loved? Or are men just fickle?”

If only there was a way to erase the trauma. Nailah thought hard. FB was a good girl, but she was naive. Maybe Nick wasn’t cheating. Maybe there was a misunderstanding. She hoped so.

No one would cheat on her Rosetta. She didn’t believe it.

“FB? Remember the security cams you asked me to set up in your room? Uh, to make sure no one would kill you in your sleep?”

Tapping into them, Nailah took one look at the footage and almost cried from laughing.

“Wh-why? Let me see that…” Firebird sighed, peeking at her friend’s tablet.

"Girl, you have to see this! Hoo boy!”

Security cam footage of Nick repeatedly ramming a block of cheese onto his sausage.

“Woah, I knew he loved cheese, but I didn’t know it was that bad…”

Suddenly, the death rattle goes off and he frantically gets up. “ROSIE? ROSETTA! THERE’S A BOMB, WE HAVE TO EVACUATE!”

He grabs his precious block of cheese, looks at it one last time, and slams it onto the device.

"... my death bomb can be foiled by cheese?"

"Uh, I'll have to look into why, but hey, at least he didn't get blown up for something he didn't do right?"

"Hm, true!" Firebird's playful smile returned, her cheeks regaining color.

So he was faithful after all. "Ohh hmm love you being all over me, baby... oh yeah..." Nick continued rubbing himself with cheese.

???

Nailah turned off the recording. "Ew. So, you uh goin' back?"

"Yeah. He probably won't notice I'm gone."

She smiled brightly at her best friend. “Thanks for always being there for me, Nailah!”

“For sure!” A sweet hug between the two girls. “Be careful out there, okay? Also, remember to not have sex or else you’ll get pregnant and die. If anyone tries to hurt or rape you-”

“I get it MOM!” Firebird says, teasing her.

“Hey! We’re batchmates!”

“You brought the designated mom friend role on yourself!”

“Whatever!”

After a few more laughs and eeeys, FB was gone. Nailah smiled nostalgically at one of their really bad college photos, which happened to be her phone wallpaper. “You’re still that kid, huh? Never change.”

A posh voice broke through the air. Emphatically, it declared “I HEARD MY PRECIOUS ROSETTA HAS BEEN CHEATED ON AND HAVE ARRIVED WITH ROSES, CHOCOLATES, TISSUES, AND ICE CREAM!”

“Oh, hey Elduin.”

Elduin gasped, ruffling his expensive fur robes. “Nailah? Where is FB?”

“Oh, she just left. You missed her.”

The sound of Firebird’s spacepod leaving made Elduin groan. “Oh, fuck me in my snowy white elf behind!”

Nailah:

Elduin:

Nailah:

Elduin: uh ok I’ll be going now bye

BACK AT THE SHIP

“WHERE WERE YOU? I thought you left me for good. I panicked when I saw all your stuff was missing and I was just about to leave!” He hugged her tightly in those strong, muscle-bound arms. Everything would have been perfect if he didn’t smell like a mixture of body fluids and cheese.

Running a gentle hand down a scar on his arm, she lay her head on his chest. “I’m glad you didn’t get blown up. I’m sorry I thought you were cheating on me!”

"Unbelievable. I would never." Mike assured her. “Hold on, I’ll take a shower then I’ll be right back. We can go on a date!”

Entering his 1-second-shower machine, he emerged squeaky clean and threw on some clothes. “Do  you wanna go hunting for forbidden treasures? I found an underground temple raining with diamonds! Or or-”

“Sounds great!” Firebird said, eyes sparkling. “But for tonight… I think I wanna just stay inside with you. We can watch earth movies!”

Nick’s expression softened. “You must be tired from crying. I’m sorry. I’d never do that, okay?”

Carrying her onto the sofa, he let her use him as a pillow while they watched her favorite earth movies known as “chick flicks.” He even gave her the magical cheese made from royal jelly that he won at a large auction because he knew Firebird loved (selling) collector’s items.

He gave her his cheese. That was how much he loved Rosetta.

Patting her head softly, he ran his large fingers through her long red hair. “I love you, baby girl.”

“I’m not that small!”

“Relatively, you are.”

GRRRRRRRRRRR

“Shh, you’re moody again. You know what, I’ll bring out the drinks.”

“You don’t have to-”

The man was off like a shot because the only thing he loved as much as cheese was alcohol.

“Maybe one sip!”

Mike nodded and poured Firebird one half of a shot, then downed the rest of the bottle. She lapped at it once and put on a sour expression.

“Come on. Drink it all.”

Reluctantly drinking ½ of a shot she was given, she held out her empty cup.

He poured her one whole shot this time and downed another bottle. “Why do you like this?” Firebird exclaimed.

BACK TO PRESENT TIME

Max was bemused at Firebird’s story. “So he’s a cheese-o-phile AND a drunk? What a messed up creep.”

“By the way, I also have to explain something!” She cried, turning red. “Mike… thinks we had sex. But we didn’t! We never did! He was just very very drunk!”

She continued her story.

THIRTY BOTTLES OF WINE LATER…

Mike’s face was flushed completely red, his body shivering with glee (and the high). “Hooo, that feels great!” He roared, an absent-minded arm around his girlfriend’s neck.

“You smell awful!” She teased.

“Not as awful as what I’m about to do to you, my baby girl…”

Placing her on his lap, he forcibly kissed her neck and restrained her by the waist. She had to admit he was a great kisser, and feeling his rough caresses and hungry kisses made her weak at the knees. However...

Nailah’s words echoed in her head: Also, never have sex or you will get pregnant and die…

Without hesitation, she took the royal cheese Nick gave her and opened it, releasing its pungent smell in the air. But Nick loved it.

“Oh, Rosetta, you’re tapping into my desires! I LOVE IT MMMHMM. Put it on me!”

He began to fumble with his pants, but at least he let her go! “Uhm, you have fun!”

She tiptoed away from him, but heard him kissing the cheese. “Oh, my Rosetta, you’re so beautiful… such a good kisser! Oh, let me go inside-”

She slammed the door to her room and tried to drift off to sleep.

BACK TO THE PRESENT

“Disgusting. I hope I never see that.” Max shuddered.

“Anyway!” Firebird began, brightly. “Give this to Nick! Apologize and become friends since he’s helping us! Go! Go!”

At Firebird’s coaxing, Max made his way to Mike’s room and knocked on the door.

“Come in!”

He was greeted by the “pleasant sound” of cheese slurching, melting, and spreading on Mike’s sausage. “Oh wait! Don’t come in! It’s a habit for me to say that! CLOSE THE DOOR!”

[finding-myownway-blog1]

Farewell Toxicity

I’ve been trying to figure out a way to update people who care about my life in the most uncensored way possible. I am ready to be completely honest with what has been going on. I don’t care what anyone has to say, because (1)sticks and stones and (2)I have better things to do than let words hurt me anymore. I wear many hats: I’m a mother, a wife, a daughter, a granddaughter, a niece, a cousin, a friend, a gamer, an artist, a writer, a baker, singer, and makeup artist (to an extent). All my life I have been limited to what I can and can not do with my creativity. Something that has helped me live and be okay with who I am and how people treat me is writing. I’ve written so many things. Kept journals, written poems, song lyrics, and short stories. I even attempted to write about my own life to maybe, someday have it published. Once I presented the idea to my dad and he told me it wasn’t a good idea because I should be careful with what I say. That I could hurt someone’s feelings with my writing. Another time, my privacy was invaded, and my step sister went into my room and read my thoughts in my journals. When I told my dad, he told me I shouldn’t write things down for people to see. Told me I should keep it in my head or on my phone because then no one will be able to see what I’m thinking.

I’m a writer. I can’t talk to people to tell them how I feel, so I write it down. I’m a writer- so don’t tell me what I can and can’t write. Don’t censor me. If it’s what I’m feeling, how could I be wrong? My opinions shouldn’t be shit on. The things I’m about to share are things I’ve kept inside for too long. It should be known that these stories are truer than true. They’re from my memories and choosing to share them is my way of venting. Please respect that. These are my thoughts and emotions.

My dad lives in NC with his (not so nice to me) wife and her (put me through a helluva time in the past) daughter. He tried guilting me into going with them, but I knew I wouldn’t be happy over there. When he was prepping to move, he made it all worse by telling me, “I had to stay stuck in NJ because of YOU and no one else. I was stuck here because of you Litz. If it weren’t for you, I would have been GONE.”

Finally I broke and yelled at him. I was like NO DAD IM NOT GOING WITH YOU. I HAVE A LIFE HERE. I HAVE FAMILY HERE. I AM NOT LEAVING!

All he could do was stare at me. That was the first and only time I silenced him.

You know, my dad primarily raised me during my teen years. It wasn’t fun. He did what he had to do since I’m his daughter. I’ll always be grateful to him for being there for me. Unfortunately, happy times were few and far in between with him and me. We argued a whole lot and he never wanted to hear me out with problems or issues I had. He never made me feel comfortable to talk to him. I never felt like I could say how I felt. If he had a bad day or came home from work super hungry, he would take it out on me and tell me off until he ate and felt better. I’ve got journal entries as proof. Never once did he appreciate my art. It was never something he made me feel “skilled” in. If he did feel it- I never knew. I was mentally and emotionally abused by my father. You know, you always want to feel good enough for your parents. You always want to do well and make them proud. You never think your parents are capable of abusing you in any way. We’re taught that our parents are the ones we should be able to go to with our problems. So realizing that what my dad put me through was and still is abuse, kind of hits me hard. Nothing I did was good enough. He let his girlfriends tell him I wouldn't amount to anything and then he would tell me what they told him. He let them dictate how I should be treated and he listened to them. Once, I got criticized for reading Ellen Hopkins’ book, Crank and was accused of being into drugs because I was reading it. My dad swore I was into drugs, and he told people too. I’ll say this once and only once. I have never once smoked pot in my life(not that it’s bad, I’m just saying). I’ve never done a single drug. I’m 27 years old and I’ve tried a cigarette ONCE. lol D.A.R.E made an impact on my life lol. I was never the delinquent he thought I was. He never gave me enough credit. Just because I had friends in high school who smoked didn’t mean I smoked, myself. He was good at that, see. Accusing me, pointing fingers at me. Look, everyone makes mistakes growing up. I wasn’t a perfect daughter, but he was also far from being a perfect parent.

(ATTENTION!! WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ WAS WHEN I WAS 17! PLEASE KEEP THIS IN MIND. I have a different life now. I have an amazing husband and beautiful daughter who keep me grounded and in the light in more ways than one!!)

My dad told me once, that if I was ever gonna self harm, that I should cut from my wrist up, and do it the right way. He even acted it out for me. I was 17 and I’ll never forget that day. It sits in my mind, nice and fresh. He tells that story like it’s a big fucking joke. Makes me look like I threatened for the attention, versus a cry for help. I was a broken teen. I felt like my parents didn’t love me because they had really strange ways of showing it. (AGAIN, ATTENTION!!!!!!! That was years ago, I do not self harm at all. I am now a mother and would never put my daughter in any situation remotely close to something like that!).

Something my dad will fail to ever see is that he’s truly broken me into pieces, probably worse than anyone else ever has. He won’t own up to any of this. He’s too stubborn and has too much pride.

I’ve been “waking up.” Being a parent, myself will do that I guess. I’m maturing, growing wiser. I’m seeing things now that I didn’t see before and I’m learning that my dad really isn’t the person I thought he was.

He’s a fake. He swears by God, but just casted me out. Claims he’s a changed man who goes to church but still treats his family like shit. I mean, sorry. He treats his BLOOD family like shit. The family he married into is golden, Pony Boy.

Yeah, he goes to church but he and his wife are probably the two biggest jerks I’ve ever known my whole life.

My dad made me believe that since he was there for me when my mom wasn’t (which, you’re my dad... you’re SUPPOSED to be there for me RE-FUCKING-GARDLESS), that I owed him my life. If ever I had an opinion against his he’d be like, “You know, Litz, I was there for you when your mother didn’t want you and you think it’s okay to try and tell me...”

He was manipulative, always treating me like a  child. “Can’t do this. Can’t do that. If you hang out with friends I don’t know, they could rape you. They’ll take your phone and you’ll never be able to contact me. What if they kidnap you and I’ll never see you again. What if they hold you hostage?”

Once, he came to me and asked me who I was hanging out with (which ended up not happening because of the following). When I told him,  he grabbed me and held me really tight. Put me in this situation where I couldn't get out of his grasp. Told me, “What are you gonna do?! What if they hold you like this and you can’t get out?! You don’t know how to fight, you aren't street smart! Try to get out!! C’mon! Fight your way out of this hold!” I was scared. I fought. Tried to get out. Stomped on his foot really hard and everything. Has anyone else gone through that shit with a parent? Please tell me that’s not normal…

He won’t remember ANY of what I’m saying. He’ll deny it, but I swear all this has happened. I have no reason to lie to anyone about my life.

His wife has been causing me shit since day one. She moved in, I was never happy about it, and she managed to successfully put a wedge between my dad and me. If I ever had a problem with anything in our household and spoke up about it or defended myself, my dad and his wife would argue. Then my dad would come to me saying, “Why did you have to say anything? Why couldn't you just leave it alone. Y'all women are so petty.”

BUT if it were my step sister with a problem, everyone bowed at the drop of a hat and catered to the princess. Get the fuck outta here. Shit got old real fast. Anyone ever want know what its like to fucking tiptoe around and live uncomfortably in your own house because every little TINY thing you did annoyed your step mother, cause I lived it. Now, (Congratulations Evil-Step-Queen) she’s completely ruined my relationship with my dad and yeah, she has A LOT to do with it. Ask anyone in my family or my husband and they’ll tell you. My friends know it all too. When she and my dad first started dating she compared me to an ex’s daughter who didn’t like her and was mean to her. She never really gave me a chance.

-Moving Forward- My step sister got pregnant, which we all saw coming, let’s be real. She’s lucky cuz she has her mom and my dad to take care of the baby when she wants to do other things. (We all aren’t so privileged, but at the same time, we’re all also responsible enough to not pawn our kids off every chance we get.. sooo..). Which, whatever. I’m not touching that any further. It is what it fucking is.

What hurt me was when I found out she was pregnant I swallowed my pride yet again to make amends with her (because before this year we hadn’t talked for 2), and tell her that I was here for her because she was pregnant and basically doing it alone. My step sister and I have had really shitty times. Like so bad we just never talked. And every single time we fought, I would have to be the one to speak up or apologize because my father would make me feel guilty. I digress, I do all that shit only to not get a phone call when she goes into labor. Instead, I find out on FB just like a regular old fb associate. No one likes including me in shit over there since I’m so fucking insignificant.

My dad couldn’t come see Zoey in the hospital when I had her but there he was taking all pics with my step sister’s baby. And my step mom captioned every pic with “aw grandpa loves his grand baby.”

How quickly they forgot that they already had a grandkid here in Jersey. Soon, my dad’s phone calls and FaceTimes were slim to none and sorry not sorry, but I won’t be the one to call you so you can talk to YOUR grandkid. I shouldn’t have to chase anyone down to be in my daughter’s life or mine.

November comes and dad decides to call me on Black Friday saying,

“Oh your birthday is coming. I can’t send you anything because I don’t have it right now, but it’ll come. Don’t worry.”

Guys, I don’t give a shit about gifts for any occasion, I really don’t. So I told him not to worry. But he insisted he’d send a birthday card. My birthday came and went and all I got was a text talking about “may god bless you blah blah blah.” Mother in law sent me a card, brother in law and his wife send me a card, sis and bro in law sent me beautiful flowers, friends in different states sent me gifts, my friend OVERSEAS sent me a gift... family celebrated my birthday on Thanksgiving. So what the fuck is his excuse that he couldn’t even send me a card? I don’t ask for much but a card is like $4? Also you’re telling me that my in laws and friends care more than my own dad if they all went out of their ways to make sure I had something for my birthday. Don’t fucking tell me “oh yeah I’ll send something,” when it’s just more empty promises. It’s more the telling me he’ll do something and not following through that gets me mad. I really do not care about materialistic things, because again I had all those family members and friends sent me something unexpected. He still owes my husband and me $160 for making me invite his step kids to our wedding. We didn’t have the money to invite any more than who we already had, but since he insisted he would pay us back, we put my step siblings down. We have yet to see that money. (We got married almost a year ago) Fell through with the promises, again. But he can give his church money, throw get togethers at his house, and feed his friends who are all members of this cult- -I mean church. Pretty sure God doesn't care about materialistic shit either, Pops.

Anywho, after my birthday I didn’t hear from him again. I put up a Facebook status about why I don’t reach out to people, which was most definitely about my dad- and he called me that day. Coincidence? I didn’t answer the phone because I didn’t feel like getting chewed out. (Because yeah I'm a grown ass 27 year old woman and my dad still chews me out when he doesn’t agree with me.) You know he asked for Zoey’s size in clothing, but I never gave it to him because I figured we didn’t need his gifts for Christmas. I figured I’d leave him alone. Especially since I know that’s what his wife wants too. They’re all better off without me over there. They’ve been doing fine these past 4 years without me.

Christmas week I got a text from my dad saying that my kid’s Christmas gifts will be at my house no later than Christmas Eve. A big box, and a little box.

He sent her a bike and a helmet. Without telling me. But what’s worse is how cold he was when I thanked him. He didn’t even acknowledge the thank yous.

Christmas Day came and we were really busy. We wake up, my daughter very delicately opens her gifts, Steve’s son comes, we exchange gifts, Steve’s parents come, we exchange gifts... I told my dad I would send him a video of Zoey opening her bike, which I did take, but didn’t get a chance to send considering I had company that whole morning/afternoon. I didn’t want to be on my phone stressing about sending a video. No sooner do I look at my phone to check the time and I have a text from my step mother.

Of all days to pick on me, why Christmas Day? I shouldn’t have to fucking explain what my grown ass is doing with MY family on OUR  Christmas Day. Just cause all they do is stay at home, sit and stare at the walls doesn’t mean that’s what I’m fucking doing. I didn’t answer. Also, I’d like to point out that this woman will not text me any other time. She doesn’t look for my kid nor does she say hi to me. She’ll only text me if she has a problem with me. She’s like my dad’s yipper dog. -& another thing, tf you mean “I’m not sure whats going on with you and your dad?” YOU DID THIS.  I chose to ignore her and try to enjoy my day, even though she ruined it for me.

I continued on with our Christmas with this weight on my chest. I couldn’t reach happiness because I just couldn’t wrap my head around WHY this bitch is trying to screw with me on Christmas Day. Like WHY?

Finally... we get home from being with family all day and my dad texts me..

I couldn’t help but laugh. I didn’t block him on Facebook, in fact, we were friends on there until he decided to go “further.” I’m still friends with his wife on Facebook so who’s the idiot now? I just stopped them all from seeing the things I post because they all get so butthurt. Apparently the comments I make are stupid and I’m wrong as usual for what I think... which is how he’s made me feel my whole life. He confirmed everything I’ve been feeling recently. He isn’t a good person to me and he’s a hypocrite. How can someone say they’re into church but say mean things like this to their own flesh and blood? You’d think I was the step child quite honestly. He may have done well by stepping up to the plate to play both Mom and Dad for me, but I owe him NOTHING. I don’t owe him a damn thing.

This has been my burden for the longest time now, even before this text. My dad was the reason for my quitting streaming the first time. He and his family make me feel insignificant. They don’t include me. They don’t look for us. They don’t care about anyone but themselves and that’s fine. I’m done bending backwards for people who won’t even consider doing the same for me. You guys don’t know how much I’ve cried and had panic attacks over him and his wife being the way they are with me. My father has always had this manipulative control over me. Always making me feel guilty, always making me say sorry to his wife even though I was never in the wrong. Always taking her side if I spoke up for myself when I lived with them. I’m done. Not once, while he was busy acting cold and telling me off in those texts did he ask how his REAL granddaughter was doing. Not EVER does his wife look for her, but she expects to be called “Mom Mom.” They have no problem telling me how I’m wrong when I don’t ever do a thing to any of them, but when I start standing up for myself they decide to come down on me and disown me. I don’t deserve that. You get rid of me, you get rid of Zoey. So nice fucking job. They lost every chance to come back. I’m done. I can’t keep letting them hurt me because I matter too. I was never a fuck up in my life, but damn do I sure get treated like one. Screw them, good riddance and Farewell Toxicity. ✌🏽

[carry-on-my-wayward-meg]

So I just realized there’s a password recovery request to one of my Social Media Profiles, from 2 days ago, that I NEVER SENT.

Hypothesis:

There is/was someone else trying to log into my account, without my permission.

My suspects to whoever I think could be, since I barely interact with new people:

- There’s someone I used to call “capricornian aries” because he has Mars exalted in the frequently annoying sign of capricorn, which usually lets him get shit easily than other people no matter how sick his ideas are and how corrupted will be everything he touches, making him immune of being aware of it. But I think this is just too light for this being. So I’m gonna call them “aries abuser” from now on, which is something I should’ve never being in doubt of doing, and always have done.

We had 3 times attempt of boring making out (I was trying to get over something and trying to experience new things that I never liked), which I regret BEYOND EVERYTHING.

He’s an entitled sexist PIG with a Rapist mind who will do NOTHING to please anyone he’s with and still can’t take any sort of No for an answer, who will satellite people until he gets what he wants from them, and who when I was finally not caring about his flaws, said “no” to me. Which was fine enough, I wasn’t really interested in him, until when I wasn’t even interacting with him, he bullied me because I moved on to someone else on the same day (or for no reason, which I can’t pick what’s worse), then much later, I realized this was just an small symptom of how unwarranted entitled he is.

He had an “ex girlfriend” (according to his own words), who was in a relationship with someone else for a while, then. He showed me she was complaining on FB that there was someone trying to log into her account and she just swearing everybody. He would talk with her on MSN as if he was her friend and then say condescendingly behind her back how crazy and sick she was of having a fit on FB and of thinking someone else would want to get into her account.

- “that thing”. There are few who might be more revengeful and sick than people with Sun/aspects in Cancer. TO THE DETAILS. After NO MATTER HOW LONG. And worse. He’s a dictator with Mars in Leo. And Sun in the most perversely sadistic degree of someone’s map. This is what he is. His most deep essence. Nothing different.

I don’t know how many times he deleted me from his profiles after an “off” period. I wasn’t an individual or a person if I wasn’t in a relationship with him or doing what he wanted. Yet, after deleting me everywhere at once for the last time, he would still mark his presence everywhere he would know I’d be. Convince my acquaintance-friends to do things for him instead of me. Make friends with WHOEVER I was interested on before I could get to them. He made sure to be clear he didn’t want me around but still be everywhere I was. He was cornering me. Apparently to him I didn’t have the right to exist. When he is the one that doesn’t.

When I was finally ready to try to get over the fact that I wasn’t enough for anything regarding him and be perfectly fine with it, he could not just purposefully be everywhere reminding me of his existence and his abuse.

Back then I was completely destroyed by the psychopathy of this thing, I am (or used to be, before this) a proud person regarding how much I should be dependable of a male (which I was completely right about, and will always be, no one needs to have ANY DEMEANOR to please their sexist shit). Regard doing anything big, I tried as much as I could and beyond to get over his abuse and go on with my life, of course I screamed to the world how abusive he was, no one cared, believed, or thought that I didn’t deserve it. He was everywhere. Not on my mind. Literally. Because of how long I experienced that, committing the hugest mistake of thinking he was just a dumb abusive little bitch that didn’t know better and I could deal with, instead of an actual psychopath, my emotional strength, my sanity, was mined. Only much after I realized. He wouldn’t decay from his shit or our fights. He would get stronger from EVERY interaction with me. No matter how much “I“ was decaying. He literally raped my mind. Even after many months, he was still getting stronger and I was still decaying. It felt to me like I was completely open to his will at any point in time he wanted to. I not only “tried” to get rid of this. I went for it fully with all my body, soul, mind, and the strength of each one of the roots I could have. It wasn’t enough. I needed to do something, even if childish to try to cut this link.

So I did something that wasn’t worth a tenth of what I went trough, but was a symbolism of something that happened.

I had the password of one of his accounts, and all the other ones were similar, easy to figure. So I deleted everything inside each one of them and deleted each of them as well. Social-Mediacide.

It worked a bit, but it was still not enough to make things back. I still wouldn’t get out of the house, afraid I’d see that anywhere and keep reminding me of all the shit. I didn’t even want it anymore anyway. He already had corrupted the entire town and would keep doing it as long as I would try to interact with anyone or anything.

It wasn’t much to him though. He didn’t fucking care that some or much of what was registered about his life was gone. He’s a fucking psychopath. Things like that only care that an “attempt of harm” was done towards him and that maybe “something must be done back one day”.

- the “gemini bitch”. Someone else that also can’t let people go. Moon in Libra. After years something had happened in her life, after living many things, interacting with many people, being in different relationships, she’d still try to manipulate anyone from her past towards their failure. Another psycho.

- That fucking whore. ‘‘leo landwhore’‘. The one that called the Asylum people on me and LIED TO THEM that I was BLATANTLY THREATENING TO KILL HER PERSONALLY, because I swore to her on a virtual chat.

I “LOST” my phone on the first days I moved in there and I NEVER BELIEVED that really happened. Everytime I “Lost” my phone previously, it would come back to me. And after ALL THE SHIT that was gone from my stuff because she wouldn’t let me go back there to pick them up and would terrorize me, after my BIKE was stolen since the FIRST DAY I locked it outside, I believe ZERO that I really “lost my Phone”.

SHE BLATANTLY STOLE MY PHONE to MEDDLE ON MY PERSONAL LIFE. Which would give her access to ALL my virtual profiles for first months/weeks. Who knows what else that LYING PSYCHO would do.

- I don’t think I ever mentioned this person here before or enough. There was this being, who was friends with the “aries abuser” and friend-acquaintance with “that thing”. After the shit with the first one, he still took his side and was extremely rude and sexist to me without even knowing me. We interacted many times later because from then we started having many acquaintances in common. Never much. But then, after the shit with the second one, he wouldn’t stop messaging me on FB no matter HOW MUCH I ignored him.

- the crazy eyed fat pisces. Which I think is an Aquarius. Close friends with “that thing”. It doesn’t matter if during, or after the shit with it, he would take ANY OPPORTUNITY to harass and threaten me verbally. He stalked and harassed me virtually FOR MONTHS with the excuse that “I” was the one harassing his friend, which was the same thing he did with EVERY girl his friend dated before me. And “that thing” did NOTHING about it. It LIKED that there was someone fucking shit up for him. He harasses everyone. The very girls he dates himself, and still NO ONE does ANYTHING about it. Another psychopath.

- Almost every far acquaintance male with Sun in Aquarius native from this country ever. Those above? Horrid shit was had in between. Males with Sun in Aquarius will try to HEAVILY SEXUALLY ASSAULT me literally out of nothing. Maybe after we small talked ONE TIME “MONTHS AGO”. One of them tried to finger me when I was slightly drunk trying to sleep. Another sent me many FB messages inviting me to drink on his house saying he was going to kidnap me. You think it’s bad enough? HE HAD A LONG THERM GIRLFRIEND beautiful for North-European standards. One of those that stands out in a sub-culture of an entire city. I COULDN’T BE MORE DISGUSTED. MALES ARE NOT LIVING BEINGS. THEY ARE THINGS.

A female who has never been sexually assaulted? IT’S A MYTH. I’M NOT EXAGGERATING THIS. This is most CERTAINLY a Myth as everything in your life you’re THE MOST certain off. It doesn’t matter with what weight. What color. What height. What culture. What mind. I’ve seen it everywhere. EVERY FEMALE was sexually assaulted.

And whoever says that doesn’t happen with “some”? That’s a fucking blind-eyeing self-victimizing self-centered psychopath. It doesn’t matter if they have been sexually assaulted and violated as well. Mental abuse does MUCH WORSE than ANYTHING PHYSICAL.

YES. Everyone is a fucking psychopath. It’s not my fault their frequency and that they’re everywhere. Don’t blame me.

- Any of my virtual crushes I've had over the last years, which I wouldn’t understand why, since I’m not really that interesting.

[thelibraryshow]

When you realize

Don’t bother to check Facebook. If they were your friends, they’d call or you’d make plans to do something. Friendships are not sustained by a thumbs up. Those aren’t my friends.. I’ve just known them for a long time. They have little or no idea what my daily life is like, even those I’ve known for almost 20 years. I actually pay attention and pretty much know what they’re up to IF anyone still posts anything real, non-commercial, or non-self promotional. It’s mostly reposts. I don’t even look at people’s pages, I don’t need to see another airbrushed, perfectly lit “candid” of your conventional family, the one you finally built, or your new car- the ford you’ve always dreamed of. I don’t really care about your favorite cartoon and I’m not buying your Tupperware, your paintings, and I’m pretty sure now hat we can choose precisely what we see, I’m on exactly nine lists. How do I know this? I always get nine likes. 23 if it’s something you have to like; a picture of your mom or someone who died young, anything military, your ugly new baby or anything nature-centric. Whatever the trend is, they will “like” it. Give it a try. Tumblr… well, I like the anonymity. This is the kind of stuff you’d share with your FB friends in the past or tell them over lunch in the way, way past. My real stuff got me alienated. I know the exact post that blackballed me with my white friends enhanced my standing with my black friends. My Asian friends love perfection, innovation and art. Girls? Depends on the girl. Guys? I don’t post pictures celebrating how many turkeys I bagged or the antlers of all he bucks I killed this year so… In my flesh & blood life, I get it! The people I’ve been close to the last year split when they figure out I’m really not going to show them how awesomely comfy by bed is.

I’m confused about all of this. From a thriving, overwhelming social life that just fell on top of me to a social life populated with users, losers and people who want to “chill”. I finally figured out that chill is code for sex in certain circles. Yeah, who knew? Not me, because I don’t speak American slang.

I’m lonely as fuck but id almost rather the only people I spoke to today were my mum, Aiden and a few cashiers. The cashiers were friendly enough & my family is always there… if I make the first move. Think I prefer my mother & the cashiers most days. No baggage. I’ve been a hardcore wardrobe slut since I bought my first bespoke blazers to comply with the handbook from my first boarding school. In this big Japanese house, my dressing room is between my room and the library. Typical living room size. I lounge there... I feel the hand-woven vintage fabrics, the suedes, the furs. This room feels more mine than my studios. Because however I want to present myself on a given day is neatly folded and hung behind glass doors? No, because I like shopping and this room is designed as a shopping experience. Mirrors surpass my 6'2". Rack piece of furniture Is a one off, designed for, imported by and beautifully crafted by five generations of my family. The library and every other room are similar. Does anyone know what it feels like to live in a museum spanning early 18th century to landmark mid century modern to early American? Carefully curated. It's everything and exclusively what I want to live with. Nothing more. It has to be... because.. .

I'm Working on getting accustomed to life without much human interaction. But then I’ve been working on that for a decade. I’m very social. How do I extract that trait?

People who like me like me a lot. Too much. People who don’t like me never say so, they just do shitty things- like when your cat gets pissed and poops on your bed. That’s never happened & my cats live in pure feline luxury as do my guests. People rave over my house. My cats? I give them what I used to give people I cared for. Time, attention, whatever they need or want. Try that with most humans. Turns out I don't draw convincing boundaries.

I used to have a lot of money. I spent it freely. I entertained, I traveled, I collected, I surround myself with lush gardens, and at times, gilded interiors. literally. I picked up the bill and ordered the cars... I spent extravagant sums on my art practice. Those same friends either bought or stole so much art I don’t even exhibit anymore. I design and redesign my gardens. Extreme gardening is a great replacement for interactions but even that garnered unwanted attention so, I opened my gardens to the public to raise money for a cause that didn't save one life, feed one person or clothe one kid, though the public library was something I did believe in before I realized they have never been short one dime.. 400 people in my garden, a years preparation.. in return I frequently looked out my window to see a couple of little old ladies treating my space like a public botanical garden. It was amusing the first couple of times. Then I moved.. and took the garden with me. Every tree, every stone. It took six months to relocate an extreme landscape, but it was satisfying. My extraordinarily well heeled gardener had quit by then. Work wasn’t his thing.

I’m alone in my new house. It’s mostly glass and big windows. It’s open with secret passageways between rooms and I love it more and more. I've become attached though not necessarily secure. I know I’m on the clock. Counting the days till I relocate this landscape too. My sources for hedging material and anything related to anything I do have pulled away, so, don’t ask how I obtain my materials. I haven’t figured out if I’m awful or if people like me who always have funds but no visible means of earning those funds are seen with suspicion. A few people continuously try to figure it out. They never get it quite right & the few I told didn't believe me so I never told anyone again.

I’ve been dating someone new. He doesn’t call, he’s autistic, he thinks he’s in love with me… or he did last time I saw him. He too wants something quite physical so I can’t see it surviving summer. It’s okay though, I’m getting good at resisting attachments. It’s painful. I suppose hermits gradually grow thicker skin? Or are they sad, miserable people numbing themselves to what they desire? I’ve Met numb people. They’d given up. They were like me; they never fit in and weren’t willing to sacrifice what they loved about themselves or what alienated others.

So, full circle? I resist attachments and can’t recognize a friend when it appears. I really am preparing to be alone. A hermit more or less. The weird cousin or uncle who’s never around. “ I’m not around because hearing how unusual and exotic I am got old the first time you observed it”.

Kinda lonely. Trying to become accustomed to it. Im to young and I still want... Replacing people with rare plants. I miss being center stage. I miss clubbing all night. I miss making pasta for a house full of people. I miss sharing my house, my food…my music especially. I miss making art in my studio. I miss my big family. I miss the illusion of friendship. I miss my one friend who knew everything about my favorite subject: art and design. I miss my crew: the people you never see by day.. because we’re resting up and shopping for something to wear out the next night. I miss long conversations about ancient, obscure books. I miss my friend Greg. The only solace is he died a year ago. Solace because we never split up. We watched every pre-1950 movie we could get our hands on. We spoke the same language, usually obscure references to films no one in any other part of my much compartmentalized life will ever know. I miss Greg. I miss NOT feeling like this. Crying, but nothing comes out. If I could have a good cry, I think I’d feel better. I miss being 100% sober. I take sleeping meds and anxiety meds now. I have a brilliant new psychiatrist I see every month or two. I look forward to it, but looking forward to it means looking forward to the onset of cold weather which presents a thousand other trials Yeah, I think about suicide. I know how and I know I can go anytime I like, but I’ve kind of promised myself I’d stick around as long as my mother does. She’s the only family I talk to besides my dad, when he’s not golfing and my nephew who’s five and adores Me. I know where adoration leads in my family. These people turn on a dime, especially when he becomes an athletic super star and his father finally gives a fuck. I’m a bit like a place holder when it comes to nephews. Tomorrow is my older nephews HS graduation. I’m not invited. When they’re young, my brother can’t be bothered to do so much as feed them. Then they grow up and do something that pleases him. Then it’s my son this, my son that. The most stunning thing about not being invited to any corner of this kids graduation isn’t that I’m not invited on the trip, it’s that before he was born, my aunt warned me not to get too close to him… and then she died. How was she so spot on? You know what else? Very, very little has come about which wasn’t available info to anyone paying attention to the patterns of my family over generations. If my family were a publicly traded stock, I’d be a trillionaire. As it stands I learned late how to use this to my advantage, though I know how to profit from each of them in some way. it doesn’t make me sad seeing what my nephew is, it makes me sad having to face it instead of guess at it and hear my mother deny what I thought, and now know to be truth. The only think I felt about that was I pretty: I thought of cutting him off financially. It’s paperwork I don’t want to do, it would ignite a chain reaction with My own inheritance, and in the end, he will never need anyone else’s money. If I do nothing and get hit by a bus, this snotty little bastard gets everything I have. I talked to my friend piyush tonight, he’s home in India now. He told me I’m always on my Mind. The best part is he’s always on my Mind too. Lots of people are on my Mind and I like knowing I may see them sometime. Piyush told me he was thinking of me and when he says it, I know he means it. I know it because we have ups and downs. He’s been rotten to me, I’ve been rotten to him maybe, we live in the real world. That relationship has sustained so much. It’s not the conditional, situational relationship one is accustomed to. Some good things happened today.

[iheartsurveys]

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Do you have any bad relationship experiences from your past? Well I haven't been in any "relationships", at least not serious ones where I'm like "hey this is my boyfriend so and so". None of my dating experiences have been bad per se, but they also haven't been great. During they were fine, it's the towards the end/after that is eh. Basically dating in college is a waste of time if you're looking for something mildly serious/not tryna just hook up, and all the boys you talk to are. But they don't seem that way. Yeah idk I'm rambling now Will you ever be with the person you truly want to be with? Celeb crush of the moment is chris Pratt and no, sadly I do not think we will ever be together as he is married and also he's famous and I'm just me Do you have any relationship with the state of California? No What’s something about other people that drives you crazy? When they drive slow. Or walk slow. When they're rude. And loud. What are you doing? This. I was watching YouTube videos trying to stay up until midnight because I thought Harry's single would be out by then but according to twitter it's coming out at 12 pacific time? Ain't nobody got time for that, but also now I'm kind of awake so here I am doing this and I'll probably sleep after What are you wearing? Athletic shorts and a pocket tee Baseball is the best sport hands down…right? I like baseball but the best sport is hockey, duh Do you like chocolate? Loveeeee Like the movie Elf? Yeah it's alright Ok let’s talk travel, do you like to travel? Haven't done toooo much traveling but I'd love to Where have you been? Every state on the east coast between Connecticut and Florida, except for Georgia. Also west va, Ohio, and Arizona. And then Niagara Falls, Toronto and a couple different places in Italy. And technically England but I never left the airport. Next place you want to go? Might be going to Colorado for work in July so that's cool. I'd like to go on a cruise. Also England and California. And back to Florida to go to Disney and universal If you’re quiet what does it mean? It could mean nothing since I'm quiet a lot, depending on who I'm around. Or I could be mad or sad Something that makes you smile? Dogs Do you have trust issues? Yeah a little Do you mind watching chick flicks? Nah I love a good chick flick When’s your birthday? June 13 If you need a hug at 3 in the morning, who do you ask? Well if I'm home I probably wouldn't wake my mom up unless I was feeling ill, so I'd do nothing. And if I'm with friends I guess them? Idk I'm never up at 3 am anyways, even if I'm upset I just go to sleep Do you mind if people just show up at your house unannounced? None of my friends or anyone does that since we don't live in the same towns sooo idk. I hate when people do that trying to sell something Do you enjoy rain? Yes, as long as I don't have to go out in it Are you one of those people who are always tripping over things? Sometimes Would you ever consider taking evening classes in anything? Not right now...when I start my job (start date in July woohoo! Yay for knowing but boo that it takes forever, cons of my field) I won't really have the time Do you have any traits that you obviously inherited from your parents? I'm very similar to my mom, yes. And some like my dad as well Do you like sushi? I've had it like twice, it's eh. Probably haven't tried the right things Have any of your friends gotten engaged recently? Not a close friend but a fb friend just did a week or so ago Would you ever drop everything and go traveling for several months? Ugh I wish What’s your favorite thing from Olive Garden? The salad and breadsticks of course Is there a specific reason you’re not dating the last person you messaged? I'm not interested, she's in a relationship, and she's my bff Do you tend to get paranoid a lot? More like anxious but yes How many bedrooms are there in your house? Technically 4 but one is used as an office Have you ever built a sandcastle? Yes Do you use an instant messenger? If so, what is it? Just iMessage and fb messenger Do you watch reba? No I kind of hate Reba How many more days til your school is out? Not in school Do you listen to the hush sound? I did in high school. I still have some songs on my phone. Wine red was always the jam Do you drink a lot of soda? I cut down a lot but I do drink soda occasionally How do you look right now? I'm okay, my hair is a little cray since I let it air dry Were you taken last year on Valentine’s Day? When am I ever taken Do you remember who you were interested in around this time last year? It's been about a year since I first met Andrew, and I was interested a little bit after meeting him sooo yeah I suppose Would you rather date someone you think is cute, or someone who you think is hot? Either is fine? Or if you're one you can also be the other like how is someone hot but not cute...? Do you go to school currently? Nope When was the last time you cried? Why? Earlier today. I'm so lame I was watching the video of jimmy fallon and the rock at universal or wherever photobombing people at the tonight show ride or whatever while dressed as like mascots of themselves, and the last dude saw the rock mascot and was like whoa the rock my idol since I was 5 and then when he took off the head and the guy realized the rock was actually right there he cried and I cried idk why it was so cute I cry at random things Have you ever thought of killing yourself? No Who was the last person to call you? My mom probably Did you make a best friend in high school? The people that were my best friends in high school I was friends with since middle school. But I don't talk to any of them really anymore, especially since I moved after sophomore year. And I didn't make best friends and my new high school. But I made best friends in college so that's cool You’re currently listening to? Nothing. I have a Mumford & sons song stuck in my head so that. It's The Cave Who are you expecting a call from? No one When will your next kiss take place? Who knows What are you feeling right now? Sleepy Do you have any homework to do? Lol no When was the last time you smiled? Little while ago Do you like anyone? No Are you afraid of roller coasters? Just the super scary ones...like kingda ka at great adventure is one you'll never see me on nope no sir I hate roller coasters like that Do you know any songs that remind you of summer? Sure. Like summer by Calvin Harris. Or shut up and dance because I remember they played that nonstop all summer. What were you doing at 7:00 AM? Sleeping Can you keep a secret? Yes Do Italian/French/Spanish accents turn you on? French accents are eh Do you hate the last girl you had a conversation with? No Did you speak to your mother today? We speak every day Do you have plans tomorrow? Yep I have some errands to run Were you happy when you woke up today? I was surprised because I slept until like 10:40. It was rainy this morning and I have black out curtains so my room was super dark I didn't even realize it was so late Are you missing someone? A little Where were you at 3:00 AM this morning? It technically hasn't been 3 today yet, but I can tell you I'll be in bed, not listening to sign of the times because a girl has to sleep What’s your favorite coffee shop? Dunkin What’s your opinion on cinnamon rolls?: Loveeee Have you ever taken a bath with someone? No What’s your grandma’s name?: Maternal was Elizabeth, paternal was carol Where is your biological father right now?: I'd assume home Do you have any freckles?: Yep a bunch of random ones Do you like orange juice?: Yes Did you watch the Cosby Show when you were younger?: Sometimes if it was on nick at night Have you ever dated someone as a rebound from your old relationship? No Which of your exes is the best looking? Andrew What would you do if your ex broke down and told you he loved you? I'd say lollll that's weird since weren't like that and haven't spoken in forever You & your last ex, who should hate who? If anyone is hating anyone, I should hate him over him hating me but I don't hate him because while I was upset we dwindled away, it was never super serious or like talks of it being really serious? Idk it was one of those weird in between things Does rebounding really help at all? Can't imagine it would Where did your last ex ask you out? As I've said 1000 times we were never bf/gf...we actually got set up as formal dates through a mutual friend, and before formal weekend we texted and he asked me to grab Starbucks since like just rolling up to formal never meeting is odd. Getting set up is odd too but it was honestly a fun weekend Have you ever seen somebody get arrested? I don't think so Would your parents be okay with you dating someone of another race? Sure Do you like it when friends are comfortable with dropping by unexpectedly? I said before no one does that to me, and I also don't do that to them soooo