#and convincing myself that my need to be the first in my fam to graduate college and get a career has failed me

[fandom-blackhole]

[cheshiresdance]

I found your turtles and I'm IN LOVE WITH THEM!!!! Is there any little facts you wanna talk about for them???

well since i really only see my boys being slightly older, more experienced versions of the Rise boys (plus a bonus Casey) i didn’t really imagine them being much different than their canon counterparts. though knowing myself, i may eventually make a small au with them if i can think of one i’m happy with!

that being said i can still go into more detail about some stuff with them! i’ll put it in a read more :)

Raphael

Roughly 7′2″ he is mASSIVE

21 yrs

He’s still the leader and he’s gotten better!

Tho his brothers drive him to drink on a near daily basis w/ their shenanigans

This boi. Is so self conscious of his size

He slouches a lot bc of this

Knits and cooks for his brothers

Is pretty much a big mama/papa bear

Has actually gotten a bit more like the classic aggressive Raph most people know as he’s gotten older

It comes from a place of him trying to be more assertive and sure of himself as the leader

So more of a “drill sergeant” or “can ya’ll stop doing stupid shit that’s gonna get ya’ll killed??” kind of aggression

Protective aggression rather than blind rage

Get him angry enough tho. then. then they’ll be blind rage

Leonardo

6′2″

20 yrs

Raph’s right hand man right here

Still just as much of little shit as he was at 14

Maybe more so. probably more

Combat medic wine aunt combo

Got into yoga

Still doesn’t really attend training but does host weekly yoga sessions for his fam

“Leo please stop trying to juggle the swords” - someone at some point

Grew to be more self assured

Still gotta keep his ego in check tho

Such a fucking morning person holy shit. First one up hands down

Photographic memory!

Donatello

6′4″

20 yrs

Leo’s twin. His foil. His most likely cause of death.

His bare shell isn’t that fragile. It’s no where near as strong or sturdy as his brothers, but it’s more like a human’s bare back

Mixed feelings about Leo’s photographic memory

Used to be a self induced insomniac

Has now evolved to having his own 48 hour day cycle where he’s up for 36 hours and sleeps for 12

Don’t worry. He’s fine. I think.

Gets really bad, like horrible migraines if he doesn’t have enough coffee throughout the day

Has a box of rubber ducks that he uses to talk issues he runs into out

The talking escalates into yelling. There are rubber ducks strewn about his room and lab. There are a handful scattered about the rest of the lair. This is why he has a box of them

His brothers have turned finding the lost ducks into a game

He fucking loves Spider-Man. He’s only slightly inspired by Doc Ock

Michelangelo

6′0″

19 yrs

He now sounds like Miles Morales from Spider-Verse

He takes forever to wake up in the morning

Can also fall asleep anywhere

Leo’s partner in crime

He tried cooking breakfast once, he is no longer allowed in the kitchen while the stove or oven are in use

Don’t try to put an oil fire out with water kids

He may also be the reason they needed to get a new microwave

Has ADD!

Goes around some nights and tags the city in crazy weird places. Sometimes some of the others tag along

Is constantly trying to sneak stray animals into the lair

April

5′8″

24 yrs

Is now a sophomore in college

She’s majoring in Biochemistry

Hosts movie night once a month at her apartment

Also teaches dance lessons and tutors for part-time jobs

She’s put a lot on her plate and it certainly takes its toll on her, so she spends a lot of her free time relaxing with the guys

Such a social butterfly

Is roommates with Casey bc she needed help with rent

And also needed someone to make sure she woke up in time for class

Study sessions with Don and Casey are a regular thing

Casey

6′2″

24 yrs

My Casey is Asian! Specifically Taiwanese

He’s also inspired by @tmnt-is-my-shit ‘s asian Casey post!!

He is a Senior in College

He’s majoring in Business Economics

His parents originally wanted him to go straight into college after he graduated high school. He was able to convince them into letting him have a break in between

Constantly goes to Donnie to have him double check some of his work

Still as crazy and impulsive as his previous iterations

He and Raph  spar and work out together when they both need to blow off some steam

He and Raph are still best buds. They talk a lot about the high expectations they have for themselves and not wanting to disappoint their families

Master Splinter compares all the turtles to him

“Ah Casey! My favorite son!” - Master Splinter at some point probably

[hangeladavis]

A Gift For You On My 30th Birthday

IT’S MY 30TH BIRTHDAY!!!!!!

This is an accurate portrayal of how I felt this morning when I woke up! 30!!!! WOOOOOOOOOWWWWWW!!!!! I have lots of feels so I made a playlist. Naturally. So here are 30 songs (+1 for good luck) that I love and a little bit about them.

Knockin on Heaven’s Door by Bob Dylan - My mom says that this is the first song that came on the radio when we left the hospital. Imagining that it’s the first song I heard is nice.

I Love Your Smile by Shanice - When I was a baby child, this was my song! Every night when my dad got home from work and walked into our apartment in Queens I would run to him and ask him to play my song and I would sing it. HARD! Mind you I was like 2 or 3 but it didn’t matter.

Fly Like An Eagle by Seal - Can we talk about the Space Jam soundtrack!? It was vibe to my 6 or 7 year old self and it still goes! I feel like this album was the first time I really heard music. And felt it.

I Wanna Be Down by Brandy - Ok so my dad got those Columbia House cds for 1c or whatever and the first one he gave me was Brandy’s self titled album. You couldn’t tell me nothing!!! Hairbrush karaoke on a million!

Bills, Bills, Bills by Destiny’s Child - When “Writings on the Wall” came out, I really tried to convince my friends to do a backyard performance with choreography and everything. They said no but it was then at 9 that I knew I wanted to be an artist, a director specifically.

We Can’t Be Friends by Deborah Cox - Another in the Columbia House cd collection, I played this album out and knew every word. I played it last summer after not listening to it for at least 15 years and still knew every word and every riff.

My All by Mariah Carey - “I’d give my all/ To have/ Just one more night with you” I had no real context for what I was singing but I used to sing this song so hard! I miss classic Mariah.

Kick Your Game by TLC - That Crazy, Sexy, Cool album was so classic and it was hard to pick one song but this was my jam!

I’ll Be There by The Jackson 5 - Now that I am older I question if I really want someone to be there with that much fervor after a breakup but when baby MJ sings “just look over your shoulders honey, oooh!” I feel it in my soul!

Dirty Diana by Michael Jackson - This song sends me. From the very beginning, to the beat drop. And when she grabs the phone from him and tells his baby “He’s not coming back/because he’s sleeping with me!” thats a moment. No one wants to be on the receiving end of that call but Diana gets what she wants.

That’s The Way Love Goes - JANET! Queen of the Whisper Sing! Duchess of Tight Choreo! I was way too young to be singing this song but I blame my dad. It’s a sexy jam and I don’t regret it.

Are You That Somebody by Aaliyah - When I was 10, some friends and I danced to this song at our elementary school. My mom choreographed it, we got matching outfits and we performed it. Another group of girls (who were admittedly more popular) danced to “Maria, Maria” and they wore matching cowboy hats. Naturally, there was a showdown on the playground over who was better. Naturally.

Just a Friend 2002 by Mario - Westbury Middle School! It was the best of times and the worst of times. Mainly the worst of times cuz middle school is hellish and there is nothing you could do to make me want to relive those years. But one of the sweet moments was getting a mixed cd from this boy that had a crush on me and this was the first song. Swoon It worked. We dated for a while. It was cute.

My Life, My Love, My All by Kirk Franklin - This is the first song I ever choreographed and it changed my life. I was 10 years old. I showed my mother the choreo and she said teach me. It was in that moment that she validated my artistry. That’s why can’t nobody tell me nothing. I have been doing this for 20 years!

Healing by Richard Smallwood - My mother choreographed this piece for the church dance ministry, Choresis, at Memorial Presbyterian Church in Roosevelt, NY. It was one of their most popular pieces and it gave my mother the outlet she needed to dive headfirst into her artistry. I learned how to lead, facilitate and hold healing arts-centered space from my mother and the women she danced with. Their labor made me possible.

Air Force Ones by Nelly - Back to Westbury Middle School, this song is to honor the Air Force 1s wearing preteen I was. Ooh girl…

Ready For Love by India.Arie - When this song came out I thought I knew what it meant and sang it as such. Girl. Girl Girl Girl Girl Girl Girl… 15+ years later and the only thing I know is that I don’t know very much at all. Also this song is very hetero and I am indeed very queer. lol

I’ll Write A Song For You by Earth, Wind & Fire - Family road trips were not complete without this song. We still sing this song like it’s our job. I knew we were getting older when my brother Jordan couldn't hit the high notes.

As by Stevie Wonder - This song. Whew. When I was 10, my mother and I were asked to dance to this song at the funeral of a baby that died. We did and afterwards I was tore up. I kept thinking about my baby brother, Aaron, who has just been born and how I would feel if he died. I didn’t listen to this song for years. Until I really listened to the words and thought about a love that transcends space and time. This song inspired me to write a musical based on Stevie Wonder’s music. And it is my favorite song by my favorite singer.

Breathe from In The Heights Musical - Fast forward, my senior year of college my parents gave me tickets for In The Heights for Christmas. My best friend Lana and I sat in the second to last row in this Broadway house and when this song started I wept. I mean completely lost it. Because she was singing my story. I was flunking out of college my senior year and hadn’t told my parents. I had been a top student in high school and graduated #5 in my class. But I didn’t have words to name my anxiety, depression and fear that I had no idea what to do with my life after school. “And what will my parent say?/Can I go in there and say/"I know that I'm letting you down” This song still makes me cry.

I’m Here from The Color Purple Musical - I’ll let the song speak for itself. “I believe I have inside of me /Everything that I need to live a bountiful life/And all the love alive in me/I'll stand as tall as the tallest tree/And I'm thankful for every day that I'm given/Both the easy and hard ones I'm livin'/But most of all, I'm thankful for/Lovin' who I really am

Back That Azz Up - Ha! This is my favorite transition. This song is for my undergrad club days at A&T and the Blu&White fam.

Boogie Oogie Oogie by A Taste of Honey - But I don’t actually club for real because I am a grandma that missed my era. I could dance to disco all night actually.

Seasons of Love from RENT Musical - What can I say? I’m a theatre kid. This is for A&T’s theatre department that taught me so much and made me so much of who and how I am as an artist. And Rest in Peace to the mother of our theatre department, Frankie Day.

Screens by Zoocrü featuring Al Strong - In 2016, I met a woman named Margaret A. Brunson who changed my life. (She has that effect on everyone) The first time we hung out she took me to an Kickstarter kickoff party for a band named Zoocrü. I had never heard of them before but as soon as they started playing I was like Who are these boys? I offered my administrative assistance for their campaign and it turned into more than I ever imagined. That offer is what pushed me into consulting and it’s been a joy to work with artists and creatives. I am grateful that our paths crossed.

Sunday Candy by Donnie Trumpet - My grandmother, my Nanny, Evelyne Marie Laisure Marshall passed away on September 29, 2017. Her living made me possible and her passing changed my life. I talk about grandmas so much because I dont know who I would be without her love. I miss her so much but I find her everywhere; in my red fingernail polish, in my card shuffling, in my baking, in my political analysis, in my care. And yes, in the candy dish in my living room.

F.U.B.U. by Solange - Last year I created a show called “Buy My Soul And Call It Art”. I had no idea what I was doing but my Nanny had passed and my cousin Michael had passed and the Universe was telling me to “do it scared”. This song was featured in the piece because I never wanted anyone to forget who this is for, who this is centering. “All my niggas in the whole wide world…”

I Want You by Erykah Badu - The second show in the trilogy is “Buy My Body And Call It A Ticket” and that show almost killed me. I had to go somewhere deep inside myself and that place is dark and scary and I wasn’t sure that I was gonna make it out. But I did. And what brought me back was this. “I want you.” I want my body. I want my life. I want my love. I want myself.

I Need You To Survive by Hezekiah Walker - Show number 3 (which will be rebooted) is “Buy My Art And Call It Holy”. Though I don’t consider myself a Christian, I cannot separate myself from my Christian upbringing and this is one of my favorite songs. When I sing it I am singing it out to my people. I am singing to you. “I need you/ You need me/We’re all apart of one body”

Never Would Have Made It by Marvin Sapp - Yall there have been times when I wasnt sure if I was gonna make it to 30. Seriously. Depression and anxiety is real. Sometimes it zaps the desire to be right out of me. But I am here. And I am so grateful. Here’s to another day, another week, month, year, decade!

Crazy, Classic, Life by Janelle Monae - Did ya’ll think there wouldnt be some Janelle Monae on here!?! This is my theme song! Let’s ride this thing til the wheels fall off!

[gorderos-blog]

Pay to Not Go to College!

    Yes, you read that title right! For a small combined fee of roughly $12,900, you can receive a PhD in your desired field of study with supporting documentation, a thesis you didn't have to write yourself, traditional graduation attire, legal notarization, and a half dozen lies regarding your accomplishments within your university! You even get to pick your own grade! Who knew the answer to our higher education needs was a website that only charges a nominal fee for you to not have to waste those precious years of your life AND not land your dream job afterward?     I've been putting this coverage off for way too long. One day at work, out of curiosity, I decided to search around the ol' interwebs and see if I could find a service dedicated to providing individuals with college degrees. It wasn't a hard search. There are several of these services as it turns out, but I'm going to be focusing on one today for the sake of this not dragging on any longer than necessary. I'm still learning about the dos and do nots when it comes to journalism of this nature, so in an effort not to get sued, I'm going to refrain from giving out the name of the website. Obviously I don't want to advertise this service and be responsible for innocent or curious people losing their money. I also don't want to land myself in any sort of legal trouble for name dropping and getting slapped with some sort of law suit. I will, however, be sharing screenshots where applicable, so don't you worry!     The biggest surprise without even looking at the degree ordering process is that the website is designed fairly well. It's inviting and pleasing to the eye with its mixture of blues and grays. Then we look at the text and realize that someone's trying to sucker us out of a lot of money.

    From what I hear, though, programming a website is hard and spaces between the end of a word and a comma are pretty easy mistakes to let slip through the cracks , so let's give them the benefit of the doubt.     The website has a bunch of sections on it and I intend to share the fun bits of it later, but I know what you're here for. You want your PhD in Chemistry or Biology, or maybe you need a Master's in Engineering or Dance. Don't worry, fam, I'm going to hook you up at least with a price point so you can start saving up. I'm going for the PhD in Creative Writing myself.     Unsurprisingly, the first few things it asks you for is boring information like your name, birth date, and title. Then it goes ahead and boldly asks for a scanned copy of either your government I.D./Driver's License or Passport. Then email address, blah blah blah, phone number, alright, onto the next section, and this is where the fun begins.

    As you can see, my PhD in Creative Writing will be issued to me, Mr. Blogger Dude for the year of 2018, graduated in the season of summer. I want to take this opportunity to thank everyone who got me to this point. Good job, me. And look at that, only $490, how convenient! You also have the option to select if you were studying full time, part time, at a distance, online, or in a combination of those!     It's going past this point that you realize this ordering process has zero chill. Before you've even completely decided on all the additional things you want to pay for that you're probably never going to be able to use, this section comes careening up at you:

    Why yes, strange website, I would love to give you my credit card information and my billing address. I can't possibly see how this could go wrong in any way, shape, or form. I don't actually have a credit card, at least not with the kind of limit we're going to be seeing, so I suppose this is the end of my college degree journey. If only I had thousands of dollars just laying around in the bank. Darn, oh well.

    Following that is the section entitled

Transcripts & Degree Related Items

, a series of boxes you can put a check next to if you decide the item in question is something you'll want, and this is how it goes:

Academic Transcripts - $200 (Can select quantity)

Sealed Transcripts - $200 (Can select quantity)

Student Records - $200

Acceptance Letter - $120

Graduation Letter - $120

Reference Letter (Up to three) - $200/reference letter

Letter of Appreciation - $120 (Have the university lie about things you did for them)

Internship Letter from Company - $250 (Nobody follows up with these anyway, right?)

Internship Letter from University - $250

Write Your Own Thesis - $1,500 (At least you tried)

Have Someone Else Write Your Thesis - $4,500 (You did not try)

University Diploma Folder - $135

Graduation Hood - $150

Graduation Cap - $150

Graduation Gown/Robe - $550

Certified Copies of University Degree - $200 (Can select quantity)

Lawyer Certification and Legalization - $450

Government Apostille - $800 (I had to look up what that meant, this is what I found: "Apostilles authenticate the seals and signatures of officials on public documents such as birth certificates, court orders, or any other document issued by a public authority so that they can be recognized in foreign countries that are members of the 1961 Hague Convention Treaty.")

Embassy Legalization - $2050 (Looked this one up as well: "Embassy / Consulate Legalization. ... Documents certified by the State and destined for countries who are not members of the Hague Apostille Convention require State certification, U.S. Department of State certification, and Embassy or Consulate legalization.")

Student I.D. Card - $250 (I had to look... just kidding)

University Alumni Card - $250

University Library Card - $250

Student Union Card/Student Association Card

    After we've picked out all of the things we need, the last thing we have to do is pick our shipping options. Standard shipping is free and usually ships within five business days, but I'm impatient and can't afford to wait that long. I mean, I am buying a fake degree online rather than earning a real one... online. Or on a campus, but who does that anymore? Express shipping it is! It's only an additional $135 on top of the ten grand, nothing too outrageous. As for our shipping method, we have two choices: Express Air Mail, or DHL/FedEx for ground. Planes can crash and burn and lose all of my documentation, so I think I'll play it safe and go FedEx for only $130. Express Air Mail is a little cheaper at $95, but an extra $35 for peace of mind never hurt anybody.

    The website then proceeds to ask how we heard about them. It was pretty easy for me: Google. I assume it'll be the same for you. As an aside, there's also an option for Yahoo for the one person out there still using it. Next we input any special instructions we may have.

      I probably should have added please, but this is a business transaction after all.     Then we subsequently fuck ourselves over by not reading the terms of service before accepting them, make sure our total is correct, and submit our order!

     Looks right to me.

    I love that you can adjust the amount with the small arrows beside the total amount. I left them a tip.     It's at this point that I would submit the order, wait about a week, and show the finished product. Shocking as it may seem, though, I do not have $12,905 to give them. Such a tease, I know. Now I could save myself $3,000 by writing my own thesis, but we mustn't forget that I'm a busy adult man who cannot spare the time to college, so I definitely wouldn't have the time to write a brilliant thesis. One day I'll have a money. One day.     Something that should be noted is that there is no indication on the website as to which university will be giving you your degree, but their section on Full Privacy and Satisfaction serves to definitively quell those voices in your mind that want to call BS.     "When you choose a bachelor degree  from us and you make the payment, you will receive an accredited degree from a reputable university. The degrees are legal and verifiable; nobody will know our little secret that you obtained your degree online.     We do not disclose information about yourself to third parties and we keep private the name of the universities from which we confer degrees.     You will not know the name of the university until you receive the degree. We believe confidentiality is essential in our business and we encourage you to keep it secret that you obtained the degree online in exchange of a fee.     When you choose  degree online course we accept payments and shipment from all over the world, because we are affiliated with universities in every country.     We have bachelor degree online course waiting for you to attend them. You will be enrolled in the online program and you will get the degree in a week from the moment you made the order. We are strict with deadlines and we fulfill all your requirements.     We believe that the satisfaction of the clients is essential in our business and this is why we want to offer you joy so you will come back for more.       If you choose a degree  course from us you will get many job offers and promotions, so you will be happy you have chosen us."     Peace of mind and assurance are wonderful things.     There are a few other interesting tidbits on the website such as generic images of individuals of Asian descent posing in awkward ways, a live chat functionality that I may play with in my own spare time, degree options from multiple contents such as North America, South America, Africa, Asia, Eastern Europe, Western Europe, and my personal favorite, the Middle East. There's a coaching section of how to find a job after you've received your degree that is a rehash of every search you've ever done on how to do well in an interview.     "You have to tell the interviewer about your degrees, knowledge, skills, and vast experience in the field. You should convince the employer that your knowledge and experience will benefit the company and that you have solutions for the existing problems of the company in order to help the company achieve its goals.     Choose the domains of activity at which you are the best and to impress the employers with your expertise, skills and knowledge in their field of activity.     Companies have job openings because they have a hole in the functioning of their business and you have to fill the hole. You should be the perfect solution to their needs and you should be able to sell your skills during the interview in order to persuade them you will find solutions to the problems of the company. The best way to find a job is to prove that you have a degree from an accredited university because employers look for persons with plenty of knowledge in their field of activity.     Use nonverbal communication during interviews. Use your emotional intelligence in order to pass over emotions and use your body language to show you are attentive, confident and competent for the job. You should maintain eye contact and smile often. A sincere smile makes the interviewer believe that you are comfortable and that you are a sociable and friendly person.  Be communicative during interviews if you want to get the attention of the interviewers and persuade him or her to offer you the job.     Create a good CV and resume speaking about the experience, education, skills and certifications you have. You should write a resume in which to write about what recommends you for the job. You should write a story about yourself that proves your skills and knowledge in the field of activity of the company.     Prove passion for the field of activity in which you want to work. Prove that you have a specific interest in the company and a passion in what you do. .     Consider an interview as a sales presentation in which you have to present your strengths, hide your weaknesses in order to attract the interviewer and get the job."     It's actually so nice they had to say it twice in another area of the website, and there's this little gem that DEFINITELY puts any apprehensions, hesitations, or mental protestations to rest!

   I, for one, am very glad that no one shall be able to see my payment information, as they will face consequences under provision of law. What law? Law. THE law. You can learn all about it once you obtain your own law degree from the website.       I suppose I should throw in a quick disclaimer here for the two people who may be willing to go out and try this for themselves: Don't. College degrees are serious business, and I'm pretty sure this is illegal in some way, shape, or form. Don't go around giving shady websites your credit card information, and look into legitimate options when it comes to pursuing a higher education.     All of that being said, thank you for taking this journey with me. It had its ups and downs, but I am definitely excited to be Dr. Mr. Blogger Dude, Creative Writing expert.     Thank you.

[thistleandthorn-rpg]

Welcome Isla to the RP! Check out this page for what to do next, and send us her blog with 48 hours!

Name/Alias: Isla Preferred pronoun: she/her Age: 31 Timezone/Country: est RP Experience: about a decade Activity Level: 5-7/10 (mostly just on at night. work and fam situation keeps me slammed all day)

IC INFORMATION:

Name: Lincoln Jones Designation: submissive Faceclaim: Phoebe Tonkin Orientation: demiromantic / pansexual Kinks: breath play, impact play, pain play, knives, exhibitionism, orgasm control, spanking, bondage, tpe, public play, rough sex Anti-Kinks: age play, pet play, foot play, scat

Key Points: 

slightly broken.

untrusting.

very good at putting up a front.

not great at expressing real emotions.

can say a lot without using words.

lone wolf.

can come off as unapproachable but once you’ve gotten over that hump she’s very easy to get along with.

BIO:

Lincoln was one of those pure innocent souls as a child.  She was pleasant and kind and relatively trusting.  Though she was a bit of an introvert, she did well socially, and academically she was rather impressive.  That all carried into her years as a young adult.  In high school, she figured out her sexuality rather early and while she was attracted to men, she tended to lean towards women.  That wasn’t entirely accepted at the academy she attended so for the most part she kept it under wraps.  

Linc was a cheerleader for the first few years of high school, she really enjoyed it.  Art was her passion but cheer kept her active and social.  She had a huge crush on the captain of the girl’s soccer team and they ended up sleeping together pretty regularly… that is, until a guy on the football team decided he needed to be dating Lincoln.  He found out about her little secret and used it to blackmail her into dating him.  And that’s where her pure innocent soul died- right there in his hands.  Eventually, he outed her to the school and all that was light seemed to go dark. She quit the cheer squad, she lost most of her friends, instead she focused on her studies and her art.  The experience left her untrusting and guarded. Upon graduation, Lincoln convinced her parents that she needed a break before jumping right back into schooling again.  She took time, years, to slowly  backpack through Europe with a camera, a sketchbook, and some watercolors.  She enjoys creating many art forms but those seemed to be the easiest to carry around.  The experience was grounding and centering, it was much needed.  Now that she’s back and about to be attending Stonewall, she’s unsure of how she feels about it all.

BIO QUESTIONS:

What are your feelings about the mark you have received?

A little uneasy, if I’m being honest.   Not that I have the urge to Domme really but there’s a certain freedom that comes with the more Dominant marks that isn’t afforded to those of us with the submissive one.  But I’ll be attempting to keep an open mind.

How do your feelings on the system compare to your parents’ feelings on it?

Pretty sure my parents are pro system.  I still have yet to make an educated choice on the matter because I have yet to really be immersed in it.  I’m more of a hands on sort of person.  Jury’s still out.

Where do you see yourself after you graduate?  

In Europe.  Hopefully, in a claim?  With someone that’s on my wavelength.  Making art.  Happy.  I’m not sure how long I’m supposed to wax poetic here but I don’t want to go jinxing myself.

How do you feel about authority?

I suppose it’s a necessary evil. I don’t do much in the way of getting into trouble so I don’t find myself faced with that much.  I guess that’s about to change seeing as I have a submissive mark.  I’m hoping to keep myself under the radar.

[halo-of-honey]

Concrete Junge

Daveed Diggs x Original Fem. Character

Synopsis: Emerson O'Connor has always dreamed of playing in a Broadway pit orchestra. After fleeing Boston to move back home to New York, she is approached by Lin and her whole world changes. But moving to a new city to get away from her past may not be as simple as she originally hoped.

[[ Read on AO3! ]]

Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11, Part 12, Part 13, Part 14, Part 15, Part 16, Part 17, Part 18, Part 19, Part 20

Chapter One: Dreaming

All I had ever wanted was to work for a Broadway pit orchestra. It had been my dream since I had first picked up a violin when I was only eight years old. Four years after graduating from Berklee I was back in New York playing cello for a small theater in Queens. I was commuting from my mom’s house where I was living, when the theater producer decided to try putting on In The Heights . It was a pretty bold choice, considering Hamiltonhad only just launched itself into Broadway superstardom. But also, not many theaters chose to put it on because of it’s unique and highly cultural nature. It was much easier to pick “safer” options like Into the Woods or Once Upon a Mattress.

I was excited to do In The Heights , though. I had seen it when I was in high school and thought it was brilliant. Somewhat abashedly, I liked to brag about seeing it when Lin Manuel Miranda was still in it, especially with his newfound fame. The music was exciting and different and I was truly enjoying playing it. Closing night was a big deal for us though, there was a rumor going around the theater that someone had donated big money to the theater and that a handful of tickets had been bought for our only, almost always empty private box. It was that night that I was plucked from obscurity. It was that night that everything in my life changed.

Moments before curtains, a buzz went through the entire cast and crew. Lin Manuel Miranda, his beautiful wife Vanessa, and a small posse ofHamilton cast were at the show that night. Somehow Lin had gotten word that we were putting on a production of his show and made sure he was there to see it. Everyone put on the best performances of their lives that night, including myself. From our little pit, I could just make out Lin’s ponytail in the dark theater. What I didn’t realize is that while he was watching the actors intently, he was also watching me intently.

After the show, Lin and Vanessa came backstage to say hello and give us praise. Everyone gawked at him, but I had split open a callus on my finger halfway through the second act and was trying my best to clean out and bandage my wound. I hadn’t even noticed when Lin found me huddled away from everyone, wincing as I picked the torn skin from my finger. I was just wrapping my finger with a tiny bandaid I found in the bottom of my cello case as well as a piece of scotch tape to keep it on when Lin’s sneakered feet appeared in my line of vision.

“Hey, you’re the cellist right? Emerson O’Connor?” he said warmly.

I looked up, eyes wide, “Oh! Yes...that’s uh...that’s me!” I said, quickly putting my hands behind my back.

“Is your hand okay?” he said, leaning to peer around me for my hands. “I thought I saw you trying to mop up some blood in the middle of ‘Alabanza.’”

“Ah...one of my calluses ripped.” I answered.

He didn’t seem like he was going to stop trying to look so I brought my hand out to show him, “Damn! Did you play through the rest of the show with that?” he asked, looking at my finger.

It did look pretty gruesome, I had to give him that. The callus had shorn almost all the way off and I had already bled through the tiny bandage and scotch tape, “I did...it’s nothing new really. Happens all the time, I practice too much.”

“As gross as that looks, consider me impressed. I’ve burst some serious blisters during shows before and it’s almost maddening how much it hurts and still to have to keep going.”

“Thank you?”

Lin laughed, a full laugh that seemed to warm me from the core, “Anyway, I came to find you because besides the injury I was really impressed with your playing. You’re incredibly talented and you seem to have a real feel for the music. I could see you bobbing along to the beat. I also noticed you putting in some little bits of your own flair, which was really cool.”

“Oh, thank you.” I said trying to stay calm. “I’ve worked really hard to get the feel that you put into the show. I actually saw it back in the day...when you were in it.”

“Yo! For real? That’s amazing. Did you like it?”

“Yeah, of course. I hadn’t seen anything like it.”

“Have you listened to any of Hamilton yet?” he asked bluntly.

“A little here and there. But I’ve been so busy practicing for this...” I admitted sheepishly.

“How would you like to come see it instead?”

I blanched, “I...you don’t...that’s very kind...” I stammered.

“Em,” he said firmly, shortening my name. “I’m trying to get you in my life here. Do you dig me?”

“I...no...I don’t think I’m following. What?”

“Alright, I’ll lay it out for you.” he said, pausing for effect. “ Hamilton is looking for a new cellist. I want you to come be our new cellist.”

There was suddenly a loud rushing in my ears. My heart started pounding uncomfortably fast in my chest and Lin’s face seemed to be sucked into a radial blur. “You want me to what?”

“Emerson, take a deep breath.” Lin said, putting his hands on my shoulders. “Focus on my voice, okay?”

I did as I was told, nodding, “Okay.”

“You deserve this. You really do. Come work for me. Come play for Hamilton .” he said.

I blinked at him, “I don’t live in the city.”

He smiled, clearly this was funny, “Don’t worry about that. Just say yes. We can figure the rest out later.”

“Yes...of course. Yes.” I blabbered, everything that just happened rushing in all at once.

“Good, great!” he said, grinning. “Give me your email so I can let you know when to come down. We can chat, I’ll help you figure out whatever you need. Alright?”

I nodded, “Okay. Yeah...yeah!”

I gave him my email and then he said goodbye and I noticed Vanessa standing down the hall waiting for him. I waved at her and she smiled, giving me a little wave back before the two of them turned and disappeared around the corner. I stared down at my ripped finger, watching as the blood dripped onto the floor. Lin Manuel Miranda wanted me . He wanted me to play for his hit Broadway show. He was going to help me figure it all out. He wanted me and I had possibly just bled on his shirt. I was dreaming for sure.

A few days past and I had convinced myself that I had been dreaming. But then as I rode the train down to Queens for rehearsal for our next show, I checked my email only to find one from Lin. I nearly yelped, nearly cried, then realized I had made an audible noise on a public train and people were looking at me. I flushed and turned into the window so I could read the email in peace.

To: emerson.oconnor@gmail.com From: linmanuel@gmail.com Subject: when can you start?

Yo Em!

Hope you’re doing well! Do you know when you might be able to start? We would love to have you as soon as possible, but I know that might be hard with other work. Let me know if I can help!

Did you want to come see the show first?

Talk to you soon, superstar!

Lin

I could’ve died. It took me the rest of the train ride to formulate a good response. I would’ve taken longer, but I knew it wasn’t going to get any better and I needed to hustle to rehearsal. I pressed send just as I walked into the theater.

To: linmanuel@gmail.com From: emerson.oconnor@gmail.com Subject: RE: when can you start?

Hi Lin

I’ve been doing fine. We’ve already started work on our next show ( Brigadoon ...lame). I’m not sure when I could start. I could put in my two weeks...but I don’t have an apartment in the city. I commute from Cold Spring to Queens nearly every day as it is. Any suggestions?

Maybe that would be good...but I wouldn’t want to take tickets from someone else.

Thank you again...really...

Emerson

I wasn’t able to check my email again until the train ride home that night. I assumed he wouldn’t have responded, knowing he was probably very busy. He surprised me yet again though, having responded only a few hours after my message.

To: emerson.oconnor@gmail.com From: linmanuel@gmail.com Subject: brigadoon is pretty lame

Cold Spring’s a haul...let me ask around. Maybe I can find you something cheap.

Don’t worry about stealing tickets. I want you to meet the fam. Alex is already foaming at the mouth to meet you. Do you have a show this weekend? Sunday matinee? I’ll take you to dinner after.

Your new bestie, Lin

I couldn’t help but laugh. We had barely spoken and he was already proclaiming us besties. The woman in the seat across from mine glanced at me, but I didn’t care. Things in my life seemed to be improving finally. I was excited not to have to live with my mom anymore as well. But I tried my best to be patient. I answered as the train cruised past West Point, doused in moonlight.

To: linmanuel@gmail.com From: emerson.oconnor@gmail.com Subject: bringing her home to meet the fam

Okay, thank you for looking into that.

Alex Lacamoire? THE Alex Lacamoire? I’ve died. You’ve killed me.

I don’t have a show this weekend. Sunday matinee sounds fine.

Glad to be considered your bestie, Emerson

I got his next email on the train the next morning.

To: emerson.oconnor@gmail.com From: linmanuel@gmail.com Subject: I’M A MURDERER!!!

Yes, the Alex Lacamoire. We found your YouTube btw...loved the Clint Eastwood cover. Didn’t know you could rap AND play cello. You’re a boss!

Come early, do you know your way to the theater?

Lin

Frustratingly my phone died before I could finish my response and I had to wait to get to the theater to recharge it. I tried to answer quickly on my break, but then my director wanted to talk to me. I followed him into his office and he shut the door, inviting me to sit. The only other time we had sat like this was when he hired me and I was suddenly very concerned as to what he needed to discuss with me. He seemed to hesitate for a painfully long time before getting started.

“There’s been some chatter going around that you were talking in private with Mr. Miranda after the show last weekend.” he said, sounding rather stiff.

“Yes, he came to speak with me. Why? Is there a problem?” I asked, trying to sound nonchalant.

“Well, Emerson...some people have been complaining. Wondering why you got special treatment.”

“It wasn’t special treatment, he just wanted to speak to me. He appreciated some of the liberties I took with the music. His music.”

My director folded his fingers on his desk, “That may well be, but people aren’t happy and they’re expecting me to do something about it.”

I blinked at him, “Do what exactly?”

“I think it might be best to put you on a probationary period...” my director started.

“You’re firing me?” I asked incredulously. “You’re firing me because a famous Broadway writer wanted to speak to me and people aren’t happyabout it?”

“Now, Emerson...there’s no need to get upset. I will of course write you a raving reference. There’s plenty of other theaters out there.”

Suddenly all of this was very funny and I started to laugh loudly, “You’re damn right, there are!” I chortled.

“We’ll pay you for the rest of the week...”

I stood up too fast and knocked my chair over, “Yeah save it. I won’t be coming in.” I said, turning to leave. I had my hand on the door when I thought of something, “You want to know what Lin really wanted to talk to me about?”

“I...I guess?”

“Lin offered me a job. He wants me to come play for Hamilton . I was going to quit in a few weeks anyway. Tell people about that and see how they feel.” I snapped and then left the room.

When I turned, I could see a small group of people who had been listening in. I grinned at them maliciously, “Did you get all that?” I snapped and they quickly scattered.

I went to pack up my cello and made my way to the train station. I had to wait a while on the track for the next train north. I found an empty bench away from everyone and tried to sift through the strange combination of amusement and anger that was coursing through my veins. So to distract me, I took the time to respond to Lin’s email now that my phone was charged up.

To: linmanuel@gmail.com From: emerson.oconnor@gmail.com Subject: wanna know something funny?

I got fired today. For having a conversation with you. I got fired...because “people” were “unhappy” that you came to talk to me. I almost can’t stop laughing. I also really want to punch something I’m so furious. I really hope you’re serious about me coming to work for you.

Wow, I forgot about that channel. I made it right after college. Haven’t made anything since I’ve been back in New York though. Don’t have the space for it.

Richard Rogers, just off Times Square? How early?

Emerson

When I got home to my mom’s, she of course wanted to know why I was back so early. After explaining to her that I was fired, she was furious with me. I could’ve told her that I had this new job already lined up, but I could tell she didn’t want to hear it. She was already a few drinks in and I knew she wouldn’t believe me if I told her I was offered a job for a real Broadway show. So I decided to give her some space and drove myself to my favorite diner to have some dinner and check my emails in peace. As I slid into a booth and ordered a burger, I saw an email back from Lin.

To: linmanuel@gmail.com From: emerson.oconnor@gmail.com Subject: fuck them. come join the loooove

WOW! RUDE! Clearly I got you out of there just in time. (Yes of course I’m serious about you coming to work for me.)

We’ll find you some more space someday. You gotta break out those raps again. Cuz daaaaymn girl, you good.

Come by an hour before curtain and tell the person at the door you’re here to meet me. I’ll let her know you’re coming.

Lin

[survivor-kuwait]

Episode 8 - “These bitches really do be getting on my nerves” - Chloe

rip stevie :( in the aftermath of that tribal that legit just felt like one massive personal attack i decided to go do some homework bc something felt off to me!! madison was out there whining about OMG BEING IN THE WARZONE THE WHOLE TIME BOOOOOOHOOOOOOOO and yet lmao she's either been "excused" or gotten a strike for deadass just not doing the challenges. the jig is uP! i think it's fairly obvious people are just using the warzone as a way to build relationships and i mean who can blame them, but her whole pity party at these tribals needs to stop. my mood towards her has definitely soured in the last hour lol i'm over it  fam. also i've been talking to ian since the tribal to get some tea since tommy is legitimately useless. i'll like ask him what happened at tribal and he literally just goes "oh i just heard his name from everyone" shrug emoi LIKE!! WOULD IT KILL YOU TO FIND SOME MORE TEA OUT... anyways i find out from ian that cullan apparently brought up that they should target timmy for challenge prowess, to which ian said he shot down due to that being a slippery slope which soon leads to him. if that's true i'm v glad that that got shot down bc that's, in my mind, a shot fired at me. GIRRRRRL, like just leave me alone i shouldn't be fucking persecuted bc half of you guys are throwing challenges and i've actually been doing them. that doesn't mean shit. 

I was able to get 217 seconds on the slide puzzle. Would I get any better? 🤷‍♂️ I dont think so. I have my graduation today so hopefully this score is enough.

not gonna lie I compleeeeetely COMPLETELY forgot about the chall until this morning when I was walking to class and my dumbass is at class and work and class again until 10 pm today so I don’t rlly have a MOUSE on me..... cut to me desperately and embarrassingly texting my classmates asking them to bring a mouse to class for me nnnn this is not gonna go well. maybe it’ll be good for me to go to war zone anyways I guess 

Hi sisters! Last vote was super easy. It was like “Stevie k?” “K.” But also even though I feel like I’m a big part of the decision making process for every vote, I never get less nervous that everyone is lying to me! Strategic playing, or crippling trust issues? You decide.

These bitches really do be getting on my nerves

Its almost graduation time and im sooo nervous and excited. It would be nice to not be in warzone tonight. Please survivor gods help me.

Well this is a crucial immunity. After being out of the war zone for 2 in a row I feel at this point I am a little outside the people who have been there so many times. I think I have some strong bonds with some players but I do not that a couple have it out for me. Namely Madison and Jacob, which at this point I fed they should be over the whole Renee vote but that’s their prerogative. 

Sooooo Final 15 baby! Honestly Im so proud of this time around on my TS journey cause Im actually liking the individual competition portion of this game. Its like the merge part of any Survivor game but with a "tribal competition" aspect. Meaning that I only have to worry about me, myself, and I and I love that. I just need to show that Im the bad bitch that is in control and take this game by the fucking reins and show it who's boss. Aint no way Im gonna get 15th, 14th or 12th again madam. No way. 

Reinke

---

I survived, yeet. Kait survived, yeet. Ian went in, f*ck. Maynor went in, f*ck. Chloe went in, f*ck. Adrian went in...yeet.

Hello! I am safe again, 2nd time in a row? Idk. I do like Kait but I don't entirely trust her. I think I can use her for a bit as she'll believe she's using me. If I have the chance to get her out before or early merge, I will. Thomas is the most boring person in this game. I have yet to meet Timmy but I doubt anyone can beat Thomas in this feat. Talking to him is like talking to a wall. A white wall too. Also, he has no manners, demands favours and doesn't say please or thank you... The second I have the chance, he's gone. Nehe should've stayed, not him. Otherwise, Ian and I are working on some kind of power together for battleship. I really do like Ian. I hope we can make it far together, he's my number 2 after Owen. Together, we have the Topaz Idol and a potential save vote and a potential new power. Maynor and I have been socializing and friendly, I want him gone sooner than later but he's not a priority. He isn't great in comps generally. Still love Trace and I do trust him to an extent. I dislike Stephen, would like to see him leave relatively soon. I don't trust him at all. On the other side, Matt is going to tribal and him and I have built quite a bit of trust previously, I hope he makes it. I'm happy Cullan and Owen and Adrian are safe as I trust all 3 to certain extents. I would like Timmy to go due to his comp prowess and due to the fact we have yet to interact, but he's immune, again. I hope Chloe makes it out okay. I also hope Devon makes it out alive. I love that guy. I think Devon, Chloe, Trace and Ian can work together though! Matt could join with them as him and Devon were big parts of the Renee vote. Madison and Maynor, who were both left out of that vote, could see their way out which is A-okay by me. Jacob was also left out of this vote but I think Ian won't target him, just my two cents. I see Jacob as a better ally for me down the road compared to Madison or Maynor. That being said, I like many people in this game. I think my social game is strong. I do need to be careful with my words as some may catch on. And I may find myself at tribal with 7 ppl I like. I have my hierarchy of allies in my mind and I know who's at the bottom of my totem poll, I just hope I can get those who aren't even on it out first. I'm also a comp threat. Usually, I can lurk in the shadows more easily but with the dynamic and my low level of comfort with risk, competition prowess combined with my social game, though flashy, is what I'm betting on to keep myself safe. Owen and Kait and Timmy's competition prowess outshines mine and people peg Madison as the socialite who throws/does not complete comps to be in warzone. As long as there are some who play flashier than me, I'll be okay. Until next time!

I found a Rock Saver with the help of Corey, chill but I'm more than happy to send that over to him the second I'm back from warzone.  That is such a situational power and there aren't really alliances yet to risk rocks for, but when there are it will be within Corey and I's power to use.  Again, I'll play the idol to survive if I need to, but I'll do everything I can to prevent having to play it at f16, the jury doesn't care about what happens in the premerge portion of the game.

---

It's going to be Jacob or Madison this round. Idol or bust, Cancer will take a hit, because fuck cancer.  I'm done with the waiting for someone to take out players who have been just chilling in the Warzone, I'm done with the throwing challenges, I'm done with the deceit.  The Warzone is not redemption island, you can't feed me a fish and send me on my way to build your jury presence.  Madison is sans her warzone buddies, she's vulnerable besides Jacob.  Let's go!

I may be in the war zone rn but Ian is here and I have fuckin missed that boi so yanno pros and cons 

I so so so do not want to be here at Warzone again. This vote is probably the most complicated thus far because at this point I need a lot of things to go a very specific way in order for people to not realize I’m in the middle. Devon trusts me and wants to go with Ian’s plan to vote our Madison or Jacob and Madison and Maynor want to vote Ian which I would also like. However at this point I need to make everyone happy and the odds of doing that are so slim. I just have to convince Maynor wnd Madison to vote Jacob or Devon to vote Ian and neither one is the path of least resistance. I’m on the path of MOST resistance and by path I mean 1 inch wide tightrope suspended over hungry sharks.

I was not that surprised when I got voted out. I did not expect it because voting out Stephen did in fact seem like a plausible option and i felt that between him and myself it was kinda similar. It was believable that he would be voted off, but I totally understand why I was voted off. The interesting part about it to me is I think I was the least connected person in the game and I can see how that can get dangerous in merge because those people can flip a lot, but right now I thought it might've been a good opportunity to gain me as a number. I think this tribal was my first interaction with Trace and Ian. I did like them and I liked talking to them and I think I had potential to work with them if the plan of voting me out wasn't already in place. There were a few people I did not talk to that round because i didn't think I should've had to reach out to EVERYONE in order to talk to them. I just think there are alliances that have formed that i am not a part of because the decision-making for these votes is kinda weird and I don't always understand the motives. So to me an alliance i am not a part of makes the most sense. I was very excited about the lagoon though. I am hoping I get a chance to come back because that would be lit. I just need to stick it out through these votes and I am hoping Renee is connected to at least one of the other three so we can stay. Kinda glad Nehe is gone. I think he was bad for my game

Devon has been a godsend so far today, I talked to him last night about wanting Jacob or Madison out and he has up and ran with it.  Devon being the face on this vote? Yes please, I don't want to blow back on me if it flips.

I actually have people working with me and talking to me this round? 😮😮😮 crazy that maybe these people have finally stopped trying to get me fucking out 

Trying to talk to cullan rn and I can’t decide if it’s more or less difficult than talking to Thomas. He’s sent like three one word answers now.... Me: you doing anything exciting this weekend!? Cullan: Graduating. Ummmm ok hoe sounds real exciting hskshdjd like elaborate? Oh well I’m not answering. I tried to reach out bc my social game is ass rn but I’m not putting myself thru that today!!!! I miss Kait :( and I want to talk to corey :(((( grrrr they the real ones. And matt. Have yet to have a stimulating conversation with literally anyone else in this game. Wait ok actually I do like Timmy and madison SJSU’s je but madison busy too and Timmy sends LONG messages. Why can’t I have an in BETWEEN!!

I'm definitely going to see at least one vote tonight, I'm nervous about it because if people flip on me instead of voting Jacob I'll be dead to rights because I will not play my idol unless another idol is played. My thought process is that if I need my idol to save myself from a majority vote tonight then I wasn't bound to go far in this game anyway. I'll take my ball(advantages) and go home. 5 people told me they are voting Jacob, Matt told me Jacob is voting for me, if I'm being fed bullshit by everyone then that's just how the cookie crumbles.

Today has been quiet but people have brought up that Jacob and Madison are a strong duo. Matt was able to put the target on Jacob. It could be a 4-4 tie but Matt Madison n I might just go with majority and vote Jacob.

As per usual, I have no idea if I made a confessional about this or not. I can’t believe I won immunity, like I didn’t even have computer access. And i got 3rd so i had some margin to be safe (granted Adrian got 4th with one second more than me but still). That was the first time I did the puzzle because my other times were worse. If I was doing it on a computer my time would’ve been so much better so idk what happened with everyone else. And today Owen messaged me saying he feels kind of fucked because he hasn’t been to tribal in ages, which might be true but also he can probably win a lot of immunities come merge and people like him. I’m happy to work with him right now because we both have a lot of challenge wins but honestly I want him to go earlier on in merge because he is good at getting quick social connections.

oof mama, what a round this is panning out to be. First of all, I felt personally victimized by that challenge. The Ard tribe is full of some SERIOUS competitors, and that's the reason that I will most likely continue to show up at these stupid war zones until we merge. Fucking Kait has made it this far without going to the war zone at all, which is putting SUCH A LARGE target on her back. bUt whatever, it's just frustrating being on a tribe of people that probably do online puzzles for fun. So this round is interesting. After last round's unanimous vote, I feel a lot more comfortable working with certain people in the game. Ian has kind of solidified his spot as my number one in this game (more to come about that too). He came to me and was like we NEED to make a move against Madison/Jacob. He said he knows that Madison is a challenge threat, but is purposely trying to lose the challenges so that she can make connections with people in the war zone. Though he had made some points, I really don't think Madison is that smart to figure out how to do that. I really just think she is busy/not prioritizing and keeps showing up here. She seems pretty innocuous. That being said, she has become a bit of a social threat, slipping by all of these rounds without having to really do much. BUT, I do trust her and don't want her to be sent packing quite yet. Jacob, her star sign partner, on the other hand, can go. He doesn't talk at all, and when he doesn't they're boring one word answers. So I had pretty much set my heart on Jacob even though he is on our tribe, making my chances higher of showing up here if we keep doing the war zone format. To make matters more interesting, I talked a bit more to Matt this round and he told me that Madison and Jacob were gunning for Ian this round. Madison claims she is good with voting for Jacob, but everyone else says they seem to be a strong pair. I went straight to Ian with this and then he TOLD ME HE HAD AN IDOL. Honestly I am so happy to know he has it and not someone against me, because that's going to be some great information to have later on down the road. I think he is really paranoid, but at this point I just really cannot tell who is lying and telling the truth. I am hoping that people are being truthful and going to actually vote for Jacob, but I am trying to figure out who exactly has been saying Ian's name. It's ultimately going to be up to him whether he wants to play the idol this round but oof, if I were him, I'd be sweating. SO we shall see, but lord knows I'm shaking in my loafers!

[strydcr]

hellooo babes, i’m blair waldorf acacia (◠‿◠✿) nineteen, she/her, and the main admin here. lol sooo sorry you guys are all trapped in this rp with me. but wtver~ you guys will learn to adore my 3am messages comin’ up with plot that’ll hurt us and what not. also meet the beauty that is stryder estrellas. anyways, i’ll try to keep this as short as possible. since i always get lazy halfway thru writin’ intros. :~)) )) ) &&. of course this got way longer than expected so just find the ☪  at the end to read the summary // aim: alohacacia && skype: alohacacia

****psa you clicked on this so you’re obligated to plot with me srry but i don’t make the rules.

░   * . ╰ ✯ ›  ⊰ SELENA GOMEZ, CIS-FEMALE, TWENTY-THREE ⊱ is that STRYDER ESTRELLAS ? the BARISTA & FLORAL SHOP ASSISTANT MANAGER. they’re known to be INTELLIGENT & INDEPENDENT. but also BLUNT & CYNICAL. unknown to them, they are the reincarnation of PERSEPHONE.

BACKGROUND + TRIGGER WARNINGS: cheating 

well to kick things off, stryder is that one night stand baby. let’s call her biological dad “bio father/dad” and her mom’s husband “dad” then of course her mom is “mom”. sorry if this is confusing. but just think about how stryder is gonna feel once she finds out about this.

once upon a time her mom and her dad were happily in love. like they were the high school sweethearts who ended up getting married and blah blah blah. but before she was born, there was a point in time where the two broke up. probably once they were both about to start freshman year of college. that’s when her mom hooked up with stryder’s bio dad. she obviously ended up getting pregnant. but she ended up making up with stryder’s dad. SOOOOOOO…. he thinks he’s stryder’s father. but he ain’t. the one night stand hook up is.

stryder is completely unaware of the fact that he’s not her real father. her mom is still in contact with her biological dad. obviously, keeping that a secret from both her husband and stryder. but it’s only because her bio dad always sends her money to help provide for stryder. so basically this family is a mess. but only on the low. because on the outside this family is absolutely perfect. she grew up in a really nice household. suburban type of wealth in a town outside of los angeles, california. big house, nice cars, a vacation every now and then. but not rich enough to like be bill gates or something you get what i’m saying? just a nice upper middle class.

you might be wondering... how did they end up in seattle? one day her dad told the fam he had to move out to there because of work. (occupation: tbd) so they packed up everything they had and left. this was around the time stryder was starting her senior year of high school. stryder really isn’t the type to throw a fit over dumb shit. but you know this girl started bawling knowing she wasn’t going to graduate with her only two friends. ‘cause she had to start the loner life all over again.

now, stryder works at a small coffee shop as a barista and an assistant manager at a floral shop. (cause persephone, flowers, how cute.....) she does go to school at a community college about 30 minutes away from her house. probably studying to become a botanists. (a literal flowerchild yes.) and to her surprise she is actually enjoying living here. she doesn’t know why, but she feels drawn to the place.

PERSONALITY + RELATIONSHIPS + TRIGGER WARNINGS: anxiety 

PERSONALITY wise, she’s that tumblr post that’s like ——— me: i love myself i’m such a bitch // me: i hate myself i’m such a bitch. because one day she’ll be like “oh my god you’re my best friend!!!!!” then they’ll do her shady and she’ll be like “new phone who dis?” like do her dirty and she’ll get angry real quick. which is bad because it’ll trigger her anxiety. but yayayayayayayayyyyy. she’s the type to be sippin’ tea with her pinky finger up. she is the “is it bad that i secretly want to be hit by a car all the time” but also the “gotta better myself, my body, my skin and my bank account” type in one. she has a very clean exterior. although she outcast herself a lot. she does care about her appearance. (i.e. she has a sense of fashion.) she really likes to read and learn. so, you can always catch her doing something of the sort. talk to her about flowers or coffee and she gotchu. overall, stryder is pretty wishy washy. it all depends on her mood. she’s kind of a wallflower. isn’t exactly the most popular baby. but that’s by choice, not by force.

when it comes to FRIENDS stryder can always use some of 'em. she possess the qualities of a good friend loyal, honest, trustworthy. however, she can be quite obstinate. which might be a reason why she might not have as many friends as she would like. once her mind is set to think a certain way it’s hard to persuade her to believe otherwise. she’s the type of friend to listen to your problems, but be prepared to listen to her opinions – all of them. she’s also the type to put a friend in check when they need it. she thinks of it as trying to convince them to see the bigger picture. first impressions is something she might not be very good at. while she isn’t exactly the definition of rude, she tends to not filter then things she says. overall, i would say that she might just need a handful of friends and just a whole bunch of acquaintances.

i’m pretty sure stryder doesn’t think she has is ENEMIES. but, i could obviously understand why a girl like her would have any. she tends to be very outspoken and although she doesn’t mean to insult anyone or come off rude, she can’t help it. so, there’s always that. stryder is the type to hold grudges. (this is mostly because of her mother — trust issues man) she thinks once you fuck her over, then inevitably, you’re gonna do it again. basically, if you lose her trust everything you had, despite how far back your past goes, she isn’t going to trust you fully again. so if there was any type of fall out at all, stryder is gonna be pissed 5ever. but if in some point in time where she had to chose between her life and saving another’s, she’d save them before herself. stryder’s a good person guy’s. she has good morals. they’re just messed up in her black hole of thoughts. enemies? *grabby hands*

alright, so stryder and LOVERS. i have a feeling she’s dabbled in the dating world. she’s had a few boyfriends, dates, etc. but most likely nothing LONG TERM. possibly because she doesn’t see the point unless it’s for marriage. just like her mom and dad (lol troll.) she has the independent woman facade going on right now. which makes her seem like she doesn’t want anyone. but deep down she’s a hopeless romantic. this girl would love to be loved. and she truly needs it. most of the time she makes herself the outcast. this girl is completely oblivious to anyone having a crush on her. assuming friendship automatically. she’s probably read tons of books about love and fluffy shit like that. so she has high expectations when it comes to relationships. so someone rlly needs to come here and treat this girl right.

WANTED CONNECTIONS

FRIENDS

best friend — someone who will always be there for her. the person she feels most comfortable with. // m, f, or nb

partner in crime — they may not be the most reliable person like her best friend. but definitely someone she can get turnt tf up with. // m, f, or nb

childhood friend(s) — her first friend(s)! the one(s) she’s known since birth. she will never switch up on the real ones. (or so u think...) // m, f, or nb

ENEMIES

rivals — someone who hates her and some she hates too. maybe they just don’t get along yo. it happens // m, f, or nb

old bully — maybe somebody who bullied her or someone she might have bullied? bc honestly, if she bullied someone it would’ve been a joke. // m, f, or nb

old flame that didn’t end well — this is someone she used to date. maybe they wanted it to go further than just a date. but she ended up cutting ties with them. now it’s just made awk. // m, f, or nb

LOVERS

hate/love — just ‘cause these are my favorites. just little bickering. maybe they’re too much alike or just not a like at all. // m, f, or nb

old flame that ended well — the classic, exes that ended on good terms. they don’t hate each other at all. are actually still on really good terms. and possibly still have lingering feelings.  // m, f, or nb

currently dating — going on dates and what not. having a good time. who knows where this could go.  // m, f, or nb

MISCELLANEOUS

☪ overall, this bitch is flippy floppy. she’s loyal. quiet, but has a lot of opinions. intelligent, but sometimes stand-off-ish. she’s a bit of a feminist. trusts no bitch. but if you’re her friend, she’s chill AF. but really — she just doesn’t know how to process her good thoughts into words. she’s a barista and florist. she’s independent, hardworking, and determined. my muse for her is michelle (spider man homecoming) & margo roth spiegelman (paper towns). she’s a bit sketch when it comes to making new friends. since she’s a bit of a loner. and she’s super family oriented. despite her being absolutely oblivious to the fact that her mom cheated on her “dad” with her bio dad. anyways, give her girl scout cookies and she’ll love you til the end of time. overall, she’s not as lame as she portrays herself to be and is actually a pretty rad chick.

wEW this got waaaaaay longer than i expected it to be. anywho, if you actually read all this i love you and i cherish you hella. if you just skimmed, i would too. i would really love to plot with everyone. so just slide into my dms and we can get things started!! but okay, so, now imma go touch up my other intros. hope u don’t hate me after this long ass essay lmao. luv u *blows a kiss*

[marissaneedsabetterblog]

2+3 = 5: 5 things i’ve learned on the road to 23

I haven’t posted on this blog and bombarded the world with my oddly worded thoughts in a year. 

This past weekend I turned 23. It’s an unceremonious age, really. None of the excitement of 21, and it also lacks the feeling of transition that turning 22 gives you. Yet, for me 23 has become a milestone of sorts.

The road to 23, specifically, the past 2 years of my life, has been full of changes, transitions, and lessons.  Between ages 21 and 23, I:

Broke up with someone I dated for almost half a decade

Had a very public breakdown in my last semester on campus at college

Traveled to 3 different countries while studying abroad for my last semester

Graduated from college

Felt the existential dread of unemployment

Got a job

Began experiencing the effects of the existential dread of adulthood in general

Lost my first job

Got a new job

Moved out of my childhood home to live on my own with my best friend

There’s a lot more that happened than these spark notes style bullet points. A lot of these things feel so distant to me, as if they were lived out by another girl or were a dream. But this all happened in the space of 24 months.

If you have gotten to know me in any real way, you know this about me: I am sensitive and emotional, I am very pensive, I have a strong set of morals, and I make every move with conviction.

In the past two years, in so many ways I have become a different person, I have felt the entire spectrum of human emotion. I have been pushed to contemplate so many things that I thought I was sure of, and to feel so many things I thought that I had let go. 

However, in many more ways I have proven and had proven to me that I am who I am who I am. 

From all of this I learned so much, but since  I turned 23, and 2+3 = 5, I am going to write about 5 of the top things I have learned  on the road to 23.

1. Embrace all of your feelings and understand temporality

I think the largest struggle I have witnessed around me in my short foray into adulthood is the struggle to be happy. 

People want to experience being happy all the time. People shy away from anger, sadness, and pain because of the discomfort it causes.  I think this desire for the ever-present feeling of happiness is what stops so many people from making hard decisions or working through issues they need to work through. 

Ever see someone have their heartbroken big time and proceed to go out and get trashed/fall into the arms of several people within the span of a couple of weeks in the name of “having fun" and ~*living the single life*~? 

Instead of embracing all the emotions we can feel as people, I think a lot of people cling to happiness and do whatever it takes to feel temporary euphoria instead of coping with the underlying emotions they’re experiencing. Seeking escape sometimes is okay and necessary, but I think we have to acknowledge that  at the end of every fun night, the feelings we haven’t dealt with will still be there like an overdue bill waiting to be paid. 

Being angry, sad, hurt, anxious, etc is okay. It’s important. We are multifaceted, we are meant to feel many things. You shouldn’t avoid these feelings because - they’re temporary!  They won’t last forever. Discomfort is not a permanent state of being, but it’s an important state of being.  Discomfort creates growth. (There’s nuances to this with mental illness though....) 

Understanding the temporality of emotion is what has allowed me to move through most of the disappointment and anxiety I have experienced as a recent college graduate, as well as the painful emotions that I experience just from interacting with others in an open vulnerable way.

Like *queen* Hayley Williams of Paramore sang in Last Hope:

And the salt in my wounds isn't burning anymore than it used to It's not that I don't feel the pain it's just I'm not afraid of hurting anymore

2.  Context is not equal to justification

Empathy and sensitivity is kind of my thing. I am the MVP of just feeling the shit out of my feelings. I feel my feelings, your feelings, her feelings, his feelings, their feelings…

I stay in my feelings.

I am also the MVP of overthinking, analysis, and rumination. (Shout out to my anxious empaths) So, the combination of these two traits creates the perfect storm of….trying to understand other people.

It sounds great on paper. In fact, a lot of times it is great – but if you’re not an expert at prioritizing yourself and protecting your energy yet, this can lead to a lot of pain.

How? Why?

It took me 23 years to understand that understanding where someone is coming from, having that context, is not justification. It’s not an apology. It just means you…you kind of get why a person did what they did. I have spent the better part of 2 decades conflating context with justification, and getting unjustifiably shit on because of this habit.

Just because you understand why someone did something, does NOT mean you have to accept what they did.

Let me repeat that: Just because you understand why someone did something, does NOT mean you have to accept what they did.

People have all sorts of reasons for doing what they do. Hurt people tend to hurt people. Moreover, I have observed an interesting phenomenon in my age group.  People use being young and finding themselves as an excuse for being reckless with other peoples’ feelings. Twentysomethings tend to be selfish in the cool self-care setting boundaries prioritizing oneself way, but also in the not so cool draining emotional vampire way too *people who are the latter tend to claim they’re the former too...stay woke fam.

Don’t accept things just because you understand them. Things don’t hurt less because you understand them. Don’t overextend yourself for people who wouldn’t extend themselves for you.

3. Live reflectively

I am writing a blog post, so you know I believe in this one! That was a bad joke. I’m sorry.

But, in all seriousness – if you are just living life without actively and intentionally thinking about what you are doing and what is happening in your life – that ….is not good.

I have seen myself and others close to me repeat the same patterns. Sometimes even with very concrete intentions of making change. Without deep reflection, it is easy to end up doing the same things. If you see yourself repeating a behavior that was harmful in the past, think about it, and think about how to change.

You should think about what you do, what you have done, what your friends are doing, and all of the effects these things have on you. How does your job make you feel? How do your friends make you feel? What do you think you should be doing differently? Think about these things often. Write about these things. Talk to honest people about these things. See a therapist. Find some sort of outlet.

For many, growth is a process that needs to be guided from within, and I sincerely believe reflection can provide a lot of that guidance. Refection teaches you what makes you wilt and what makes you flourish.

4. Become an active listener

I personally am convinced that many people do not know how to actively listen. Actively listening isn’t about hearing; it’s about making sure someone is heard. You can’t listen if you’re trying to form your next point. You can’t listen if you’re stuck in your own head. And if you can’t listen, you can’t understand.

Active listening isn’t just about making others feel good, it’s about understanding others and being able to effectively use your intuition. Many times, people clearly articulate what kind of energy they will bring into our lives with what they say and especially with what they don’t say.

All I’m saying is use the old gramophone to actually listen bro. It can change how you make other people feel and how you feel about other people.

5. Tell someone you care about them, every single day.

I’m going to be as blunt as possible: if you’re taking people for granted, you are living your life wrong. You can AND will lose people that mean something to you if you don’t show them that you value them.

More importantly, people need to know that they’re loved. We are living in such trying times, and people need the compassion of their loved ones.

Posturing to seem chill or detached…is dumb. And you will regret it. Clearly articulate to people what they mean to you. Be honest and open with you intentions and feelings.  Be receptive to how other people articulate how they feel. Through this process you will understand who your support system is.

I’ll be honest. I don’t know how to end this post. I feel like I have only share 5% of what I’ve learned, but it’s already 3 pages in Microsoft word, which means not even my mom will finish reading this.  If you made it to this point – thanks for sticking it out. 

On top of these 5 lectures, I also made a playlist of 23 songs that I care about a lot in this moment as a 23 y/o. Hope you enjoy it~

-marissa

[spoonielivingfree]

2019. What was that? 2019 was a year of many many tears but also so much joy and triumph. It was also something of a blur. The fact that we are now at the end of 2019 is incredible and honestly I haven’t taken enough time this year to just stop and breathe and reflect. Hence why Christmas has been full of binging Netflix and youtube because I just don’t have the energy and I am very much feeling like I need a cognitive break. (I.e a break from applications and all that fun stuff).

2019 was a year of many, many, many rejections. From grad schemes, from law jobs. I think the year actually started with me making a youtube video about being rejected from the faststream. It now has more views than I could have imagined it to get. There were tears but actually it was a necessary rejection to get. And I think it has prepared me for when I get that far with a training contract application. Which hopefully 2020 will bring!

I had to deal with some of the worst pain flares in my life but also had managed to get my pain under more control than ever. It was months of tapering up medication, which made me really anxious and paranoid. I would spend nights awake writing my dissertation because it felt more productive than laying in bed, in the dark – having panic attacks.

Why my medication did that to me when I was tapering up but it doesn’t now, I have no idea but it lead to a v off sleep pattern and meant that come exams I had to completely retrain my body – as all of my exams were morning exams.

Despite all this – the stress, tears, pain and anxiety. I seemed to find more balance in 2019 – especially through studying than ever before. Yes I still studied ridiculous hours more days than not and it got me more than what I wanted but I started trying to run again and although it caused me to crash for a week at a time and aggravated my ankles it gave me a necessary break from the stress of revision and dissertation work.

2019 was also a year of theatre. I must have gone 10 times in 2019 and I saw some amazing shows, I also not only went to my first west end first preview (come from away) but also went to my first west end opening night (&Juliet). Theatre is something that will be left behind a little in 2020 just because of where I live and because if my body can hack it I want to really dedicate myself to climbing. These theatre trips were unforgettable experiences and I definitely recommend &Juliet because it was the most fun theatre trip I’ve had of 2019. I think come from away is the best musical I saw in the year though and I saw it twice! Play wise, I only saw two – mousetrap and the curious incident of the dog in the night-time and highly recommend both of them depending on what you want, although I think curious incident gets the edge.

Everything from final exam on was blissful, and incredible but also challenging in both expected and unexpected ways.

I struggled with not having a job, although I had the offer for my current job by then and was just waiting for it to start. What a wait that was. That struggle lead me to take on a job which I wasn’t well enough to do. I don’t know what I was thinking or whether I just convinced myself I was well enough. I must have because otherwise I wouldn’t have taken it.

It lasted two weeks and I was blissfully happy although I knew my body was struggling by the end of the first week. I stupidly pushed on, scared that if I didn’t my body would give up. Hilariously despite all the adrenaline in the world, a week later my body then did give up. The job ended in me on the carpark floor for two hours. I can’t thank the people who ignored the stubborn me, weakly saying not to phone 111 and did so anyway enough. Or the people who stayed by my side for the whole two hours. I also can’t thank the person who came to the hospital with me (even though it was her job). Although I knew it was just the terrifying realities of ME, having people there made such a difference and showed me that there is humanity in this world.

This experience, and the aftermath also taught me about the importance of pacing. Now I do still push and crash. But I am slowly learning to pace enough to not crash like that again. Or atleast I think I am.

Over the summer (before this event) I went to Berlin on my own and graduated top of my class. Winning four academic awards. Berlin was blissful until the end where I experienced a trauma that although nothing happened – has taken a while to get over and it’s still not something I feel comfortable talking about. Graduation was completely unexpected. I never expected to do so well. I went in for a first and I exceeded all expectations.

I went to London for law events, went to my first pride and started my first office job. Although I could hardly walk around the house for two weeks, I was really living my best life.

Between August and November I worked full time and lived with my fam. I was kind of working in family law and honestly I miss it. Although it was quite a boring job and there wasn’t much work to be done, I miss family law. Or maybe it’s just law I miss. I’m not sure. It also taught me that you need to be hella emotionally strong to work in family law, and I did know that before but I didn’t really understand how much until I was dealing with it every day.

In November I moved to the other end of the country, which has been a rollercoaster and a half even within the same day sometimes. I’ve realised how much energy living with my family takes from me – which sounds bad but it’s the extra stimulation. I went through 50 shades of stress and tears with wifi, work, doctors and medication. But I also started climbing again as I’m sure my last few posts would have you gather.

I have no new climbing snaps but I have done so much more than I ever thought I would. I started like “lets just do greens” on my first session back. Inevitably ended up realising many of them were too easy and challenged myself a little more. (Like up to V1). By my second session I had got a few V2s and potentially a V3. The year ended with me getting my first V4 in 3-4 years. I’ve said this before and I’ll say this again. I sincerely lack muscle. So it’s not as easy for me as it was 3-4 years ago. And certainly not as it was back when I was 16 and could do pullups on four finger crimps.

Technique really is all I have. Although I think the strength is building and will build as 2020 goes on. My first bouldering session of 2020 will be anti-style V1s. I.e the V1 oranges in the gym that are still up when I go and that I can’t do yet. Now these are V1s that are as anti-style as we can get. Often combining many anti-styles as I’ve not just been working slabby slabs! I’ve been doing a much wider variety of problem since coming back into the sport.

It will be a mentally challenging session, what with worrying that people in the gym think I’m useless. I tend to crumble under pressure. It’s not good. My best moments in climbing are never seen. But it is a necessary step to becoming a more well rounded boulderer. My goal for 2020 is to be back up to the V5s but to be more consistent with them. Now absolute anti-style V5s may be a stretch but a consistent good variety of V5s is what I’m aiming for and maybe we’ll surpass that.

That’s all I have to say for now. I hope you all have an enjoyable, productive and transformative 2020. There will be challenges, as in every year but none that cannot be faced.

2019 in review

2019. What was that? 2019 was a year of many many tears but also so much joy and triumph.

2019 in review 2019. What was that? 2019 was a year of many many tears but also so much joy and triumph.

[jonasmaurer]

Friday Faves

Hi friends! Happy weekend to ya. What do you have going on? I’m writing this blog post with hopes that P wakes up in the morning with no fever. Turns out that parking lot tantrum meant that a virus was on the way. (I can always tell the girls are getting sick when they seem off, and there ya go.) We laid low all day yesterday — she drank water and Gatorade, I made soup for dinner, and we took it easy around the house. So, I’m hoping that it was just a 24-hour fluke. We had some plans with friends tonight – Liv’s might be able to go if P is still under – but it will all depend on how this little noodle is doing. I’d love to hear what you have going on!

A huge congrats to all of my friends who are graduating this weekend! One of my little brothers is graduating from the U of A, so we’re looking forward to celebrating with the fam! Also, Sunday is Mother’s Day. Any fun plans?? If you’re looking for last-min gift ideas, check out this post. I’m looking forward to sleeping in, a mimosa (or two) and cards from the amazing angels who made me a mama. 

It’s time for some faves! Here are some of the things I’m loving from the week and around the web. Please share something you’re lovin’ in the comments section if you’d like to join in the fun.

Good eats:

Jones BBQ Sauce! I haven’t tried it yet, but I was so pumped to receive the three bottles I ordered after watching their Queer Eye episode. I was cheering for Shorty and Little so hard, and when they said their BBQ sauce was available online, I jumped to order some. (Apparently I wasn’t alone.) Guess we need to buy some chicken wings!

Love this wild rice and chicken soup from Pinch of Yum. The girls go crazy for it, too.

(Ok and the dogs had some chicken bites.) 

Simple Mills baking mixes. I always have these on hand for when the girls or myself want a little something sweet. (I like that they use simple ingredients and and gluten-free.) I order these from Thrive Market! <— my link gets your 25% off your first order. We also love their banana bread, pizza dough, and pumpkin muffins.

Can’t wait to try this chickpea curry recipe.

Fashion + beauty:

Bright lipstick. I’m on a bright lipstick kick and I’m convinced it makes me look more put-together? The things we tell ourselves haha. Like if I’m in yoga pants, a messy bun, and a sweatshirt, if I put on bright lipstick it makes it all ok. The Color Intense lipstick is my very fave. I’ve been wearing Garden Party lately, but when I want a more neutral color, Brunch is my go-to.  

This red dress! This is the one I told you guys about from one of my Trunk Club deliveries.

The wrap detail gives it a little extra something, and you can dress it up with wedges or down with sandals and a jean jacket. The link is here – I’m tempted to get another color because I’ve worn it so many times already. Shoes are here. 

  (Dress photos by Tara Leinen)

Fitness:

Deck of cards workout.

Strength training is important for so many reasons, but don’t forget the cardio.

Try this barre and yoga fusion workout!

Read, watch, listen:

How to start binge reading. I’ve been trying to make reading more of a priority than an afterthought because I enjoy it so much, and it’s absolutely been worthwhile. Another fave this week from Cup of Jo: what advice would you give your younger self?

Completely sucked into this book. It’s a fast read, and a serious kick in the pants if you need some motivation. 

Solid financial advice from an index card.

Street Food. I’m loving this series on Netflix – from the producers of Chef’s Table – and a glimpse into street food chefs from all over the world. 

Happy Friday, friends <3

xo

Gina

The post Friday Faves appeared first on The Fitnessista.

Friday Faves published first on https://olimpsportnutritionde.tumblr.com/

[imsaadalex-blog]

ijustwannabeyour(type)

me and my friends have a funny joke about my “type” (at least when it comes to men). the guys that i think are sexy i’ll show to my friends, or sisters, or ESPECIALLY my brother in law, and they’ll ask me if it’s some homeless dude i found on the corner somewhere. now, if there’s any city to find attractive homeless people i think LA is the answer, but i do prefer my men with homes. I've never really been into the luxuries of relationships though. i think when i was in high school and college i went for the standard preppy pretty vanilla boy, probably because that was really all that was available to me (except for one steamy hookup with a beautiful tattooed man with dreads, that was kinda nice) and left wildly unsatisfied. but it wasn’t just about the looks at all, there wasn’t meaningful conversation there. or connection. or true desire. which by nature made the sex absolute shit. i remember i was sort of dating this swimmer dude, who was physically a flawless specimen, and a shallow part of me wanted to try and make it work. we’d go out and be conversationally functional enough drunk to interact at the bar and go home to our wildly mediocre sex, and in the morning i would TRY so so hard just to see if we could talk, sober. spoiler alert, we couldn’t. i think when i graduated i left that side of me in baltimore, because i never was attracted to guys like that ever again. when i moved to nashville i finally started meeting people with unique goals and careers and creative sides and i was in awe. this wasn't just musicians at all.. it was clothing designers… and writers… and bartenders… and entrepreneurs (aka the unemployed)… and all these people with edges and uncertainties that i found wildly attractive (i have since been bitten by the bartender bug… put me in a room with the most successful attractive fancy well-dressed people, i will be attracted to the grimy tattooed asshole bartender every time). i found that this level of attraction was what i needed to have good sex, and i have to credit that to the goofball clothing designer/graphic designer/roofer/event planner/professional-partier dude for being the first one to show me that (thanks boo, and i’m sorry if i broke your heart. but it seems like you’re doing ok). so i like to think my type is more dictated by the kind of lifestyle and personality a person has rather than their looks. i choose the crazy passionate gypsy sex in a shitty apartment with a guy with no money but wild dreams and creative thoughts every time over a mechanical empty pump thrust situation with some successful clean cut hotshot (not saying all successful hotshots are bad in bed, but also, they might be). however my track record in la hasn't been great in holding this up… put my love interests side by side and pretty sure i’ve been dating the white-tattooed-male-fuckboy brady bunch with better haircuts. hey, we all have our weaknesses. mine started by getting my shit rocked by some dude i met within a month of moving to LA. ironically at the time i felt really good about myself, and wasn’t looking for anything… i was finally coming out of a bit of a dark place and ready to build my own foundation for myself and my career… isn’t that always when u meet someone though? he did this whole sneaky sweep me off my feet thing, and i don’t think i really realized i was falling for him until he took the rug out from the relationship. from a looks standpoint i thought he was the sexiest man on the planet (though the friends and fam thought he was more of a homeless-sheek) and from a personality standpoint he was spontaneous, and creative, and talented, but also chill enough to balance out the neurotic side to my personality. so on paper, he fit the bill for my type. at least i thought he did. but that being said, do we form a type around someone we fell for, and after become attracted to those who are a projection of that person, just to try and fill that void again? see if you can convince yourself and it feels the same as it did before? but unfortunately, i think it usually ends up feeling like a watered down version of that person. at least for me. at least until you fall for someone again, and the process starts over. my brother in law jokes that ill probably end up with an accountant. and i don’t want to pigeon hole or judge career paths here. at least if he’s a homeless looking accountant, maybe it could work ♡ xx

[orderuponthe99prettygrimmdiaries]

September, you were AMAZING. 😘 And hellooo October 🎃

Gosh, it’s been a long while since I had such productive days. 

Let’s see.. 

Started off the month by finishing Deathly Hallows in time for 19 Years Later, and started reading a bit of Cursed Child (stopped for a bit because I had other projects to work on. Gonna try get back to it soon!). 

Went for a couple interviews, failed at some, but learnt stuff out of it. Had a couple relapses, one panic attack after a job recommendation, but everything turned out good. Did a trial job just two days back, and learnt so much from my potential employer in that couple hours. 

Wrote two articles for two different platforms (one is already up, the other is still pending), and omg I’m so proud of myself, especially the BTR tribute that I wrote. And thanks to that piece, I now get to write a couple more posts on that page. 

Rusher fam and anyone else who’s interested, please check out: https://tributize.com/tributes/opportunities-like-these-come-once-in-a-lifetime-mine-happened-4-years-ago 

Just a little note about Tributize, you guys can write a tribute to an idol, family, friends or someone else, and the first one is for FREE! So, fangirls and fanboys and those who love to write, you could check it out! 

Finally settled all my graduation stuff too, and collected my gown and tickets today 😁 

Speaking of, today is really an odd day. 

Yknow how I’ve always said I barely made friends in uni, but today, I realized I actually did make more friends than I expected. Maybe I don’t really consider us as close friends because we barely talk out of school or about school stuff. It’s really great to know that I actually made more friends than one through this one year. And actually, thinking back about it, I remember I was pretty excited in the first week (or day) because I felt like I knew someone every corner I turned. That was something my friends experienced back in college, but I never did cos I never mingled. Though I guess this never really lasted, huh. 

The other thing.. The school had included a career fair in the same room as the gown collection, and honestly I wasn’t planning to stay because most of the companies I was not interested in. But as I was making my way out, I was stopped by a guy from an insurance company. He was super friendly, and I guess he kinda convinced me to sit and listen to him. His colleague then joined us, really friendly too, and I guess we “bonded” over being from the same college. And apparently he thought I looked familiar 👀 wonder why many people keep telling me that?? Like am I famous in a viral video or meme or something???? WHAT IS HAPPENING. 

It was super odd cos I felt like he kinda understood me. Like he was joking and saying that it’s alright if I don’t have friends, that’s not required in this job, and I said that it was actually true. When I told him I wasn’t planning to stay, he told me that sometimes the best things happen when you least expect it, just like relationships, and I just mumbled that I have not have that experience, and funny, he was surprised by the fact that I’ve never been chased by boys. But honestly, why would they? I come off cold and awkward 99% of times. This is like the rare 1% that I’m actually comfortable around guys. 

Anywhooo.. So they kinda offered me to join their company, which I’m contemplating cos the jump from media & comms to telemarketing is just.. wow. And I honestly never thought of going back into telemarketing again. I gotta say, I’m kinda impressed by the pay and rewards and stuff, but I don’t really know if I’d be into it. Plus, I might still be getting my video editing role on the other side. And there’s these exams I gotta take and pay for first too. Talked with my parents about it, and mom thinks I could try it, but dad thinks it’s a waste of money. Hmmmm. And they want me to drop by the office on Monday after grad. SIGH. 

Oh, and back to grad. I still have no idea who else I’m supposed to invite?? Like I’ve already asked one of my college mates, and she’s coming. Wanna ask this other friend, but they two have some kinda conflict so I’m not sure if that’s the best idea if I don’t ask our 3rd friend along, but problem is I’m not sure I want her there. The friend who’s coming says she’s fine with me asking that friend along, but I still don’t know.. 

Ugh, and I was not planning to get grad gifts this year, cos first I don’t really know who’s graduating, and second, I’m probably not close to them, but a friend said she got me a souvenir, and I feel like I need to get her something, especially since she said she’s gonna be leaving the country to return to her home 😔 Will find a way to get her a farewell gift or something. 

Okay, I just realized this post went from absolutely positive to downhill complicated. BUT. I gotta say, September was pretty amazing, so hopefully October will be just as great. I mean, it’s both my graduation and my 21st (that I’m both NOT too excited about, but LETS DO THIS WOOOO~). 

Hope everyone has a lovely October! 🎃

Xx

[markyishanthonymartinez]

1/19/17

i don't think i need to intro these (as a type an intro), but i’m gonna start jotting down thoughts, feelings, activities, you name it, that i feel each day. these aren’t essays. think of this as a diary, (or journal for those men less comfortable with their sexuality). leggo.

i woke up with the same nerves i’ve had for weeks.

oh shit wait um probably not going to use names in these, just to be safe. we’ll do high school code for girls to name everyone. will be obvious enough, but just cryptic enough as well.

anyways

i woke up nervous, well rested (actually ridiculously well rested i slept like a baby prince (assuming baby princes get to indulge in being royalty but not actually having governmental duties)) but yeah nervous. i sent some risqué snapchats last night and you just never know how they’ll be received. but tbh i’ll probably send my wife a nude and be nervous she won't like it lmao. so like it’s mainly just the matter of sending or saying or doing risqué that leads to nervousness, but i guess that’s a major part of sex appeal in general. like there’s just something extra hot of doing something you definitely want to do, but would never talk about or tell others about and stuff. i got so far off topic. but yeah just imagine me checking my phone every 5 seconds to see if they had been opened. cause idk, we all like to get favorable reviews lol. funny i say that cause idrk what the reviews were lol. rip me. oh and then my sister came into my room and threw a package on my face and i got so excited cause packages are always so great. it was from american apparel. they got bought out. rip. i bought two pairs of underwear and a baseball tee. except kinda bummed cause i got a white/pink baseball tee and i thought the pink would be a bit more pastel, but it’s pretty bright and idk if i can pull that off, but we’ll see i guess. also, speaking of underwear and risqué photos, would girls enjoy receiving a picture of a guys butt? like i promise i’m not hank hill, if anything my butt is one of my most complimented features. (i’ve learned to appreciate it now, but it used to make me feel so awkward when girls would compliment it). anyways is that something girls are into???? or is that just weird? or like how do you pose? or like do you wear underwear? lmao WHAT HAS THIS BLOG BECOME I’M SO SORRY I’M JUST TOSSING OUT WHATEVER POPS INTO MY HEAD. but yeah idk i feel like there has to be a sense of tastefulness with this kind of stuff and idk if this falls into the tasteful area. this is the kind of stuff that keeps me up at night.

wait also i just realized this blog is making it sound like i just send dick pics to every girl in my snapchat list and i’m some seasoned veteran. 1. that is the most disgusting thing ever and pretty much rape 2. i’m not disgusting or a rapist 3. this is quite literally the second person i’ve ever sent anything risqué to. 

continuing

i get up and ready for the day and eat breakfast and hygiene and normal morning stuff. ya’know. i edit for a bit which is normal for my mornings. i got adventurous and sang for a while. i’ve been singing along to state champs’ “the acoustic things” record quite a bit recently. derek’s vocals are a challenge, but with proper breathing and posture and technique i can just about hang around. and i really like that record. and it’s fun. so yeah, been hella jammin’. i then revamped and updated my résumé cause that’s just something you should do decently often and i hadn’t recently and like internship search is full speed ahead starting asap, but more on that later. mj got home from school, he’s had half days cause finals. wait they don't call them finals. semester exams? yeah. that’s it. but yeah i know why he’s home, but i still make sure to ask him why he’s home so early every day just to be annoying and stuff. he fed my fish (he always does). we all ate lunch together and watched the barcelona vs real sociedad game. barça won 1-0. neymar drew a penalty. it was pretty ugly defending. v typical barça cup-game win. mj and i watched youtube for a while and then we played fifa together. i’m so glad he has an xbox now. i’ve dearly missed playing with him and this lets us have that much more communication and quality time while i’m away, doing something we enjoy. i was kinda trash today lol, oh but i did have a hat trick and a perfect 10 rating in one game, but other than that i was in struggle town. then i got off, it’s always funny saying bye to joey on xbox cause like it’s not actually bye cause he’s right down the hall. 

(hold on telling elmo to shhhhhhh)

back. he isn't shhhhhhh-ing (i had to make sure that had the right amount of h’s). oh but yeah then i hung out listening to music that i should stop being lazy about and review. and then i started grinding on internship applications. i hate applications. i hate the fact that anyone would ever be able to develop an opinion about me without seeing my face and speaking to me in person. despite all my swagginess, i’ve quite literally always felt underestimated my entire life so it sucks even more in these situations. but yeah nevertheless most of them are really just sending them your résumé and crossing your fingers, but having a cute-ass résumé and a dank email will hopefully be my ticket in. i did threeeeee, i think 3? one being pa’s current workplace so hopefully i can get the in. the other one is like looking for an intern to help with the process of them moving their facility so that’s kinda depressing cause like oh yeah come help us move away from reno so you can't work for us anymore. they're moving to georgia like nah sry fam. but i mean i’d take it if it’s all i could get, most certainly. and the final being (gulps) tesla. *shivers* tesla’s like life goals. not just for internships, but like that would hopefully give me some sort of pathway to actually getting hired by them after college and i think you could kill me at that point cause i’d have a fulfilled life. am kidding. but really, that’s pretty much career goals. i don't really expect it, cause idk i’m not that special, but gotta shoot my shot. apjofijelkahg now i’m thinking how perfect my life would be if i could work for tesla. i’ve been heart eyes about that entire company since high school when i first heard about the roadster. uggggh. wow what is wrong with me. quite literally the first thing that pops into my mind after thinking about graduating and career and making money and cool stuff is getting married to a total babe that lets me send her pictures of my butt and having little baby marks running around. is that bad? jk there’s nothing wrong with me. that’s (fingers crossed) v realistic and like idk, life comes at you fast. people generally like having the whole relationship part of it set up around their mid twenties in order to start havin’ lil babies not too long after that. 

oh god i got so off topic and this has taken so long. so pretty much i did internship searching and applying and then decided to take a break, during which i finally convinced myself to start this journal/blog/diary thing. this was an absolute train wreck of a post but it felt really good to just unwind, take a seat and write everything that popped into my mind today. hopefully i’ll keep doing this. 

final thoughts: i’ve recently realized how much i like peter pan. like obviously the movie, but the characters and the storylines and a lot of the vibes are things i can totally relate to, even more so now then when i was a kid. maybe i’ll watch it again tomorrow. what else is a lost boy to do? not grow up, that’s for sure.

always do fun things. and stay beautiful

- mark anthony martinez