#and class for my last semester of college Ever starts back up on august 21st and i don't. know if i want to start another pokémon playthroug

[front-facing-pokemon]

[sasha276]

October 21st, 2023

I got everything done for this last until of my first term. Thankfully! I struggled more with this last unit than I did all other 7 units combined!

If you're confused by why I have two terms instead of all classes for an entire semester - I'm taking accelerated 8 week courses. It's still 4 classes per semester, it's just broken down into two class terms, within the semester.

I don't know if I ever posted about my plans with college? I'm majoring in psychology, plan to get through college (at least through my masters program). I want to be a Clinical Psychologist. I'm very interested in diagnostics, mental health disorders/abnormal psychology, and counseling. After I get my BA degree, I may try to find a decent position at the mental hospital in Marion Viginia (I live close by, in Abingdon VA). I like my job now, but who knows where i'll be (job-wise) in 2027.

I worry i'm going to not do so great in this upcoming term. The first term classes were easy, so no surprise that I got an A in both (waiting on the last assignment to be graded in each class, but right now I have 100% in one class and 98.49 in the other. I want to keep my grades up, it's extremely important to me.

I was bad in school. In elementary school, I had (what I NOW know is called..) Selective Mutism. Several teachers and principal thought I was autistic, because I couldn't speak at school. I tried and couldn't. I did decent up until 3rd grade. 4th grade is where I was getting 0's, refusing to go to school. I felt "sick" all the time. It got to the point, they were threatening my Mother with "educational neglect". The neglect, in my opinion, was not allowing me to get mental help that I needed. She absolutely refused, with me begging her to get me help.

I continued to miss a LOT of school over the years, and not complete my school work. Except for a couple assignments, one I can remember was a biology project, I got an A on that one. That was 7th grade. Still continued to miss a lot of school. I was held back in 7th, due to missing so much. That 2nd year of 7th was HELL for me. Then, in 8th grade, school term of hell, my Dad took me out of school. It was the day my Grandmother passed. He enrolled me in a private home-based school call Christian Light. I was excited! I did a few assignments... My Dad didn't have time to grade my papers, and my Mom didn't care enough to.. So, I basically dropped out of school completely in 8th grade.

Dropping out was no big deal in my family. I remember when I was younger and not wanting to go to school, my Mom would tell me I can drop out as soon as I turn 15. Ended up being 14. Education wasn't encouraged.

So... I got my GED as soon as I turned 17 and started college. I was doing good, loving a couple of my classes, then I was kicked out for tuition not being paid. When my Dad died, his pension allowed to me to go to college for free until I was 22 or 25, don't remember for sure. My brothers decided they need my tuition money for something - cigarettes probably. So, family members, if you are reading this.. You may wonder why I feel the way I do about things.. But TRUST me, I have good reasons to be bitter toward family. You only knew the sides of them they chose to show you. If you don't respect how I feel - well, I simply don't care.

Anyway..... So, there it was. I was unable to continue with school. Who knows where i'd be today if that didn't happen. They never paid the tuition, but they both started school for a couple years or so. I couldn't, not until my past due tuition was paid. Which, it never was. This was back in Wyoming.

In August of 2003, we all (imediate family and Nathan) moved to southwestern Virginia. A little bitty town called Swords Creek. It's where my Mom grew up. After a few years, I felt more confident in my abilities again (dealing with mental health issue since 7 years old), so in 2006-2007, I started college at Southwest Virginia Community College. They didn't offer a psych major, so I was majoring in human services. I qualified for the pell grant, and it covered my tuition for the year. I really enjoy the classes and got A's in most, but missed a big project in a psych class and got a C. I started to have some significant health issues, and put college on hold. I signed up again in 2010, then my oldest brother died. I tried to stick with it and couldn't. It was too late to drop classes, so I let my GPA just, go...

I've wanted to go to college again, all these years, but I didn't feel like I could handle it with some of my health issues. Then, I believe it was August of 2022, I felt different. (more on that another time) I didn't a lot of cleaning in preparation of starting a job, and was finally able to keep a fulltime job, and then this August, I decided I was ready to go to college again. This is something that, earlier in 2022, I was stressing hard and feeling horrible that I couldn't do anything - job or school. Something changed, I don't know what is was.

Anyway, i'm nervous about my upcoming College Writing course. I hear there are tons of essays. I've never written an essay. And math.... wow, I dread that. Imagine starting college with, basically, a 3rd grade formal education. I've done a LOT of reading and learned a lot on my own. But I feel a little out of place, not knowing algebra, when everyone else took it in middle and highschool.

A lot of things drive me to continue my education and to follow my dream. But, I will admit, knowing that i've become somebody in life will make me feel so much better after having my Catholic school principal tell me i'll be a drop out and never amount to anything. I hated that school. And no, i'm not Catholic.

So, when I am proud over my grades, i'm not bragging. It just feels so good to be able to get good grades, compared to my life as a child. I mention it, because I personally find it hard to believe. I have that "never amount to anything" stuck in my head.

[sean-chris-13]

Our Story

“It wasn’t love at first sight. In fact, I wasn’t even going to try….

"I was going to college at SUNY Fredonia living in an apartment with a couple of friends off campus when I first heard about Siobhan. It was early in the school year and Kevin (my former roommate) and his girlfriend (now wife) Rachel invited me over for dinner and to return some laundry that had somehow gotten mixed up from the last semester.

"It was nice just hanging out for a little, talking, and playing with their dog Manny. Rachel was texting with her cousin Cooey occasionally and said I should text her too. I said no. Eventually, it got to the point when I’m getting ready to go and Rachel tells me she gave this "Cooey” my number.

“‘Oh.’

"And I didn’t mean 'oh’ in a good way. I just didn’t see the point; this is a girl on the other side of the state. I didn’t know anything about her or even what she looked like. I didn’t know her real name! Actually, I think Rachel did say her name once, but she just kept calling her Cooey and I just called her 'Rachel’s cousin.’

"So I started walking back to my apartment and I get a text from 'Rachel’s cousin.’ Probably just 'hey.’ I don’t remember. It didn’t matter. I wait a few minutes and text her back; nothing too interesting. She’d text me every so often and I would text her back when I got the chance between video games or songs I was listening to. I wasn’t going to put any effort into it. I’d probably never meet her.

"But it turns out I was going to meet her. She was coming to Fredonia to celebrate her 21st birthday with Rachel in late October. She and Rachel asked if I would join them in celebrating and I didn’t really have a reason to deny. It’s not that I didn’t think Cooey was nice, I was just indifferent. Worse comes to worse, I gained a new friend.

"Before she showed up, friend or stranger or more, I figured I owe her the courtesy of at least learning her name. She added me on Facebook earlier and I saw her name was 'Siobhan’ and I said 'what is that supposed to be?’ I got the answer from a YouTube video. To be embarrassingly honest, it was the very first effort I gave her. It was pretty cool to me that we both had Irish names, but a little weird that she and my brother Jimmy have the same middle name.

"Her visit kept getting closer and I started to worry more. I was pretty sure she was interested in more than a friendship judging by how often she text me and how flirty the texts were. So did she want a relationship, a friend, or just a friend for the weekend she was visiting to keep her from being a third wheel? Would I ever hear from her afterword? And, if she does want a relationship, how? Up until her arrival I just ignored all the questions I had.

"Then she was here. Rachel pulled up to my apartment and there was 'Shavon’ in the front passenger seat. I said 'hi’ and we all went to Tops for ingredients to the Ziti she was making. I hadn’t really seen her well enough yet, but I remember thinking her voice was lower than I imagined. Eventually we made it to the store and when she got out of the car I realized she was taller than I previously thought. Of course, none of that mattered to me. I was making a conscious effort to not think of her in that way. She was still cute, though. For the first part of our shopping experience, the girls split up and so I followed Rachel. I knew Rachel and I didn’t expect anything to happen with Cooey and I. After a few minutes of trailing Rachel and adding commentary to her selections, I remember Cooey��s texts about being excited to meet me. I found her and tagged along for the remainder of the trip with minimal conversation. I had text with her some before, but it’s different in person. It was more awkward. Without a screen to hide behind or as much time as you want to respond, everything is different.

"After Tops, we went to Rachel and Kevin’s to let Siobhan make her ziti while we all hung out. We all talked about nothing in particular and just got over the meeting stages for Cooey and I. At the end of the night, I decided I had a good time but I wasn’t convinced it was going to last for anything but the weekend.

"Over the next couple days we got closer. We didn’t need Rachel to start our conversations anymore. In fact, there were some times when it was just us, and it was just fine. I showed her my freezing cold apartment, introduced her to my roommates and played her some guitar. It was a nice weekend.

"Then, at one point she said something about me being cute and kissed me. She’s always been a bit more impulsive than me, but I can’t deny I kissed her back. The next morning the four of us went to Bob Evans for a goodbye breakfast and we two held hands under the table.

"It was after she left that I realized I was in for it. She was still texting me, and what’s more, I was much more willing to text her back. Our conversations got more in-depth. We send each other pictures of our day. My pictures were mostly of my room and me lazing around while she sent pictures donning an orange apron at Gymboree. She wasn’t just Rachel’s cousin anymore. She was Siobhan. She was my friend. She was something just a bit more.

"We talked daily until she came to visit again in December. This time, however, she wasn’t visiting her cousin; she was visiting me. She was making an effort and I realized I owed it to her to either make my own effort or shut it down.

"The next time we saw each other was January and it was in my hometown of Wellsville. Her first night there she ended by insistently asking me to define our relationship. I was going to officially declare us dating at the end of the week if it went well, but she’s impatient; we officially started dating that night, January 13th 2014.

"She again visited me in Fredonia in February for our first Valentine’s day together. My roommates Meaghan, Katie, and I were considering getting a kitten, so on Siobhan’s way to see me she got a kitten. I told her I had to ask my landlord permission first and she just responded 'well ask now because he’s on his way.’ Enter Fitz. He’s the little black and white beast we call our first-born child and follows us wherever we end up.

"I moved back home to Wellsville for the summer with Fitzy. She continued to visit me monthly wherever I was, but if this was really going to progress we had to see each other more. Despite some significant apprehension, I agreed we would get an apartment in Fredonia for the next semester. We got Fitz’s younger sister Rhian in July and we moved in together in the middle of August.

"It worked as well as we wanted. I enjoyed it immensely and think she did too. We didn’t do much, just lived life together. She got a job for some money and to occupy her time. We went for walks around the SUNY campus and sat in Starbucks. My friends were her friends. We took naps and she cooked (I’m not much help in the kitchen). I’d go to class and then we’d take the bus to Walmart for supplies.

"Our time there went fast. For the next summer we wanted to stay together. I needed a job other than my summer position at Allegany Arc and we concluded that in all likelihood it would be easier to find a job in her home of Albany so that’s where we went. We loaded up the cats and set off 6 hours to her parents’ house in Albany.

"Albany was my adventure. She’d moved to Fredonia for me and now it was time to repay the favor. She showed me around where she grew up and points of interest around the area. I spent time getting to know her parents and looking for a job. I’d watch movies and listen to her dad Dan play guitar and have conversations with her mom Carrie about whatever was on her mind. Most every day, I’d take their dogs Scotty and Frankie for walks around the pond down the street. Eventually, Wal-Mart responded to my résumé and I started working there. After some time of saving money, we wanted to move back west.

"Siobhan got a job at GEICO near Buffalo and I was able to transfer to the Wal-Mart in Lockport where we were headed next. We found a small apartment on Craigslist, packed up a moving truck, and had immediate regrets. The power wasn’t on in our new apartment that only had one small window, a terrible smell of smoke, and a flea problem. We suffered there for as short a time as we possibly could while our neighbors tried to burn the place down and we looked for anywhere else to live. I walked back and forth to work while she borrowed her mother’s car to go get harassed on the phones at the little green lizard’s place.

"Two apartments later, a slightly used Jeep, more adventures around the state, and two promotions for me, we arrived to about right where we are now. We’re up to three cats with our newest addition of Stella, we’re still at GEICO and Wal-Mart, and still have the red Jeep (Carrie’s Honda is safely in Madeline’s care).

"My final anecdote leads me to the reason we’re asking people to join us in October. Now, our engagement didn’t go as I had planned. I didn’t plan anything too extravagant, but it was still able to become completely unraveled. At one point, I realized that I was going to marry her. We’d talked about it, and it was time for me to do something about it. Well, one day a couple weeks before Christmas she found a non-traditional ring she made clear that she wanted so the next day I took the Jeep back and bought it while she was at work. I showed my family the ring she had picked out and called her mom and dad to ask permission. Once I was given their blessing, I waited for a good time to do it.

"Well… I kinda forgot about something. There was another ring I was giving her for Christmas. My Great-Grandma Betty had helped me get a promise ring for Cooey at Christmas. It was kept at my Grandmother Dixon’s house and I was so ready to propose it just slipped my mind. So, we’re at Christmas with the Dixon side of my family in Belmont when the little box with the ring is placed in front of Cooey. I start to understand at that point there might be a slight dilemma. Siobhan gets her promise ring and loves it and wants to call her mother. The issue is, I did not tell her mother about the promise ring and the last thing I want is for the engagement to be ruined for her. I walk with Cooey and try to text her mother, but I’m not getting any response. The poor woman is confused and concerned that I’m keeping this from her mother and that I’m being so secretive. At one point she thinks I’m either breaking up with her or dying or something else terrible. She’s sobbing on a bench with me in a small park in the middle of Belmont, New York and I know if anyone has to let her know about my plans, it has to be me.

”'Listen…. This isn’t the only ring I bought you.’

“So the truth comes out. I tell her about the engagement ring I left in my bag at the church and this entire story I’m writing now. I’m pretty sure she hit me. I didn’t have the ring, but I got down on one knee and asked the question. She said 'yes,’ as you might expect since this is a wedding website you’re on.

"But this wasn’t quite our engagement. I still had the ring of course. She just knew it was coming, but I still had to at least try to surprise her. So one day I did nothing. I was supposed to do dishes and laundry, but instead I went down and, unbeknownst to her, picked up her engagement ring from being sized and waited the rest of the day in bed. She was not happy when she made it home. We had to go out to eat since I didn’t do any dishes but that was part of the plan. The meal we had wasn’t great and the restaurant wasn’t special to us. We actually haven’t been back since we got engaged in the parking lot. We finished our meal and on our way to the car I lagged behind her and pulled out the ring.

"The only time I figured I could surprise her was with the most innocuous day and that’s what I tried to do.

"Besides, it’s not about where; it’s about us. She and I. Wherever we are is special to us, as cheesy as it is. I want to spend all my life with her, not just the special and fun parts. The days where we don’t do anything are just as important to me as the days we do a once in a lifetime activity. I truly love her and hope you can be with us on October, 13th 2017 to share that with us.”

[khorse2017-blog]

The story about a suicidal girl

Dear family and friends,            If you are reading this I am probably dead. I am sorry to have to say this but I am in fact dead because I couldn’t take what I was feeling. It was too hard to cope with everything that I was feeling. I wrote some of you some letters, those of you that don’t get a letter means that I didn’t want to take the time to write you one because why should I write a letter to someone that who didn’t give a crap about me when I was alive and now that I’m dead you actually care no that is so totally hypocritical. So here are some letters that may be addressed to multiple people, so just please read your letter and then pass it on to the next person on the list. The list would go my dad and Grandpa Smith, my siblings: Trisha, Cassie and Sean, and last but not least my very sweet and awesome boyfriend Tim. Dear dad and Grandpa Smith,           I’m sorry you have to read this, but I couldn’t tell you guys something about what was going on with me because I didn’t want to you more than I already did. It was nothing you guys did. In fact, you guys supported me through everything. What was going on with me has more to do with me my feelings I kept on bottling up inside. The feelings I am talking about has to do with my self-esteem issues, the fact that I didn’t have many friends throughout my life hurt me even more and the fact I couldn’t talk to you guys about it hurt me the most. Telling you guys would have just hurt you guys and that is what I didn’t want to happen. Dear Trisha, Cassie and Sean,           Well I don’t know what to say to you guys. Besides the fact you all caused this because you all only cared about yourself. If you actually cared about me you would have recognized the signs that I was suicidal and then told someone about it, but you didn’t care enough to even notice the signs; so this is your entire fault. Especially you Trisha you could care less if I was dead or alive. Now that I’m dead Trisha you could continue getting all the attention over the fact that you popped out 2 children because you are so stupid. Dear Zack            I am so sorry to do this to you but I couldn’t take it anymore. The thoughts in my head were going so fast that I couldn’t control it anymore. I also couldn’t take the fact that my heart will never heal no matter how hard I tried to make it heal. It just got so hard for me to deal with all the pain that was inside of me. I didn’t want to do this to you because I knew that would get really upset at me after I was gone, but what was I supposed to do; it was hard to talk about to anyone in my life.  Zack I also want to tell you something that I couldn’t tell you when I was alive and that is the fact that I love you more than I ever thought I would ever love someone in my life. You made me really happy even after everything that I have gone through, throughout my entire life. If it wasn’t for you I probably would have done this a lot sooner than now. Every time we hung out I always had a smile upon my face and that made my heart heal a little bit, but not a lot because there is a lot more pain inside me than anything. So I sincerely apologize for doing this to you.            Sincerely,                        Your invisible daughter, granddaughter, sister and girlfriend           This was a letter Kaitlyn Smith wrote to her family and boyfriend before she killed herself on August 1st 2017. She had no other choice but to kill herself because she had so much pain inside of her that she didn’t want to feel anymore. This is a story about how Kaitlyn’s suicidal thoughts all started.            It all started when she and her family moved to this little town called Franklin Grove. She thought it would be easier to make friends living in a small town, but that wasn’t the case. When she started her new school in August it was hard for her to talk to people. She was a very shy person to begin with and it just got worse over the school year went on. The reason I say it got worse for Kate because she was picked on every single day and that just made her pull back even more. Kate at the time didn’t know she had trust issue, but today she does know that. She realized that being picked on in middle school made it hard for her to trust people in high school. Kate didn’t have the greatest high school experience. I say this because every time Kate tried to talk to someone she would just get ignored. The only people that didn’t ignore her when she talked to them were her friend Harley and her teachers. She preferred to talk to her teachers because they didn’t pick on her or even ignore. By the time she graduated she only had one close friend and that was Harley. She felt like she didn’t belong all through high school. She also felt like she was different from the other students. That is why most of her high school years she had self-harming and suicidal thoughts. Another thing that made her have these thoughts was when her family got on her nerves. So you can probably tell that her high school years were terrible. Her family didn’t make it easy for her either all they kept saying just try and start talking to some people. Kaitlyn thought to herself how can I talk to people when I can’t even trust people because of all the shit that I have been through. So all Kaitlyn did was focused on her studies throughout her high school career, but that still didn’t help with her thoughts because her family caused a lot of her thoughts. Her family just would yell at her constantly whenever she did something wrong. When Kaitlyn was a senior in high school she applied to colleges and found one that she really liked and she finally got the letter saying she got in. Kaitlyn was so excited to be going away to college to get away from her family. When she reached college it wasn’t any better. She heard people laughing at her behind her back. So she just pulled away and focused on her classes, until she joined Intervarsity Christian Fellowship group. That didn’t work out because when her phone went off one time they started laughing, so she just stopped going to that. It was getting harder and harder for her to make friends. She told her family about how hard it was to make friends, but all they said was to join an organization. She thought to herself “what the fuck.” She expected them to do more, for example, she expected them to help her out a little bit, but no they can’t do shit to help her. Then things got even worse for her because her sister Sandy got pregnant twice and that is when she felt ignored by her family. So those thoughts just got even worse for her. She didn’t know what to do about it. In fact, one semester it got so bad that she contacted her high school teacher because she needed someone to talk to and that the only person she thought of.       Then things changed and the thoughts went away until she went back to school, but she didn’t want to go to counseling again. She didn’t start going to counseling until late second semester when the police forced her to go talk to someone. So I did go talk to someone and he recommended to her to continue counseling throughout the summer. So she looked up some counselors near her hometown and called them and made an appointment. She only went to two appointments because her family was too busy to take her to talk to someone so she can deal with her own issues. Kaitlyn just kept thinking that her family probably thinks that she has no issue, which is probably why they said they were too busy to take her to counseling. Kaitlyn also couldn’t get out of her head the fact that her family’s issues are way more important than her issues. One year later, she was at that place where she wanted to self-harm and even die. Now Kate found someone she can trust to talk about this. To handle this throughout the summer of 2015 she is going to counseling because someone recommended that she go to counseling throughout the summer, so she can get the help she needs. The only thing she isn’t going to do is tell her mom or grandma about going to counseling because they might ask questions. She did tell her aunt about everything because if she is in town she will be taking me to counseling.           On July 21st 2015 things started to get really bad because Kaitlyn flipped out on her mom and grandma because they wouldn’t take her to the college in town. She said things she regrets now, but she did say sorry for the things she said out of anger. Then she just walked up and got a cabs phone and called them for a ride. It cost her $53, but she really needed to do this to succeed in college. She thought to herself that maybe her family doesn’t want her to succeed; maybe they just want her to depend on them forever so they can get all the sympathy possible. Everything was fine the next day, no fights at all just talking like normal people.            The next day, on July 22nd 2015 Kaitlyn’s dad texted her grandma saying they need to be out by September 1st 2015. So things started to get heated up for a little bit, but that wasn’t Kaitlyn’s fault. Kaitlyn’s dad was just tired of her grandma saying she is done raising kids and she is done with everyone in that house. Her dad and her other grandma and grandpa came up with that decision, Kaitlyn had nothing to do with that decision, but yet everything is her fault according to her mom and grandma.            Then on July 23rd 2015 things started to get rough again. Kaitlyn’s sister and dad called the sheriff because her grandma would let Kaitlyn’s sister in the house to get her stuff out of the basement. Kaitlyn got blamed for what her sister did. They told her that this is your fault, if Kaitlyn wouldn’t have called her father and told him everything that was said none of this would have happened, but Kaitlyn just needed someone to talk to since she can’t count on her mom and grandma. So Kaitlyn just grabbed all of her shit and started to walk, didn’t know where she was going until she hit the arcade/ ice cream shop. So she went in there and sat down and started to get more in depth of her story she was writing. In spring 2016 Kate ended up getting hospitalized because of her suicidal ideations. She told the wrong person about her thoughts and he called the cops on her and they came and took her to the hospital. When Kate got to the hospital they recommended that she go to a psychiatric hospital to get the help she needed. While she was hospitalized for an entire week she journaled all day and every day. Here are some of Kate’s journals while she was hospitalized:  All of her journals will be written as they are written in the journal itself. April 28th 2016           Well it turns out I’m a threat to myself to where the hospital felt like I should be transferred to a different hospital to get help. I finally arrived at the hospital at 2am, but I did fall asleep before I left to go to another hospital and while I was going to the new hospital. Now I am just sitting here watching the price is right and writing down everything that happened in the last 12 hours or so. I just wish I had my phone to text Zack and talk to him about all of this, but I don’t have my phone so I can’t do that. I can make phone calls so; I guess that is a good thing. I really want to go home and just relax at home, but the doctors think that I am not safe when I am at home. I guess I can start writing a short story while I’m here, writing always did help me cope with this. Here is the thing I don’t know what to write about. When I finally figure out what to write about then I will start writing. Should I call my family and tell them what is going or should I keep them in the dark about this whole thing. Well maybe I should call them because when I finally get out of this hell hole I am going to need a ride home. It is now 1:55pm and I still haven’t called my family to tell them what is going on with me. I am not sure if I am going to call them today or not. I can’t take this anymore; I want to go home NOW!!! Looks like I will be missing class on Saturday and on Monday, which makes me so pissed because then I can’t turn my homework that is due. I just wish I can go home today or tomorrow but I guess I knew I wasn’t going to be able to go home today because I just arrived at 2am. This is going to suck because of school and everything else that is happening in my life. April 29th 2016             Another day has begun. This morning I am watching Law and order: SVU and writing at the same time. Well just got done eating breakfast. I wish I can go home, but I know that isn’t going to happen today. Maybe today I will actually sit down and write a short story, since I in fact don’t have anything better to do. So bored right now. I can’t even figure out what to write about that is how bored I am. It is now 12:38pm and I just finished eating lunch. I haven’t been doing much because of my knee being messed up, not that I have much to do anyway because I am in fact in this hell hole. April 30th 2016           Another day in the hospital. Aren’t doing much again just journaling and watching television. My cousin, grandpa, and sister are supposed to come up at 2-3pm.            Well it is quiet time now. So I am just sitting in my room waiting for the hour to be up, so I can ask to take a shower because I just found out I could by reading the papers in my folder. I’ve been here since Thursday and it is Saturday and I didn’t know they had showering facilities. So at 4pm I am going to ask to take a shower and brush my teeth. I’m not sure how long I have until I can take a shower because there is no clock. May 1st 2016           Well it is 10:22am and I just got done with a goals group. My goals are simple: short-term goals are learning to cope with the thoughts in my head when I get out of here. My long-term goal is to finish school and graduate next May. Then after that I plan on getting a job at a daycare and work for the rest of my life. I probably will have to seek counseling after I graduate too, so I don’t end up back in the hospital again.            At another group time talking about coping strategies. These groups are really helping me deal with my issues because it is teaching me ways to help me deal with my thoughts. Looks like I didn’t get to go to church today because I am in the hospital.            It is now 3:12pm and it is quiet time once again. I hate this part of the day because it is so boring. Kate was finally released from the hospital on May 4th 2016 she was fine all of that summer plus all of the next school year, including both fall and spring semesters.     Then when summer 2017 rolled around things started to get hard for her because she was struggling to find a job and people were rejecting her from left to right. Her current boyfriend Zack even rejected her a few times before they got together, so she got tired of getting rejected. So she made a plan and a date to kill herself off of this planet to go and be with God. Her plan for August 1st 2017 was to take a steak knife from her night stand that she has been hiding for a little less than a year and start cutting her wrists, her thighs and every other part of her body until she bleeds to death. She thought this was the best way to go out of this world because having holes in her body release all of the pain inside of her and when she goes to be with God she will no longer have that emotional pain inside of her anymore. She is free of the pain that many people in her life had caused her to feel.

[consulting-celiac-in-the-tardis]

#GlutenFree Monthly Favorites: Vegan Pizza, Opening a Time Capsule & More!

New blog post! We made it! (Okay, maybe I'm only saying that to celebrate the fact that I survived March...but congrats on y'all for making it to April too!). It seems like ages ago when January rolled around and I knew I'd have three months of grad school craziness to get through. But guess what? As crazy as they were, those three months flew by...including March. What was I eating - from all the beans to popcorn evvverything - and doing (the newest fashion trend: one Ugg and one flip-flop) this month? And what exciting plans to I have for April? (And, I promise - there is some actual excitement this time).

Let's dig on in (food pun intended) and find out! What I'm Eating Popcorn on everything. I always made fun of my college roommates for living off of popcorn (or, at the very least, creating a batch or two almost every night), but apparently the last laugh's on me since I've been devouring The Little Kernel ever since they sent me some bags. Who knew karma could taste this good? Refried beans from the Whole Foods hot bar. One of the biggest cuisines I miss since my celiac diagnosis is Mexican food. It's hard to find safe enchiladas or refried beans where flour isn't added in...so when I saw that the refried beans at the Whole Foods hot bar were dairy and gluten free, I loaded up! Add crunchy turmeric quinoa, juicy roasted veggies and creamy avocado for one heck of  a flavorful fiesta...

Because there were too many yummy eats for just one photo...

Vegan pizza with my fave homemade buckwheat crust. Thanks to my last semester of college, 11 grad school apps, graduation and a full-time job, I actually hadn't made a "true" homemade pizza in over a year! (Insert shocked emoji face here). Happy to say I deliciously corrected that problem this month. Magic three bean chili. As much as I love cooking, I love a fast dinner, and my the-made chili from Kathleen's always hits the spot. Besides being gluten free, it has simple ingredients (pinto, black and red beans + corn starch + spices) and all you need to do is add water and microwave. Now, it's always pretty magical in taste...but this time, when it overflowed in the microwave and I lifted it off the paper plate, I found a PERFECT heart underneath. I think God (or whatever you believe in) was trying to send me a sign after I'd been rejected from another grad school and was starting to lose hope. What I'm Doing Feeling very thankful that I no longer have to rock the awkward one flip-flop, one Ugg boot look! As who read my Day in the Life post know, I had to have part of my right big (perpetually ingrown) toenail permanently removed a few weeks ago. I couldn't wear a closed shoe on that foot for 10 days...hence my super fashionable look during walks.

I'm sure my neighbors were quite confused...

Enjoying Colorado Spring's short heat wave...which is why I was able to wear a flip flop without freezing (for the first 8 days, at least. I was on flip flop house arrest for the last two when winter decided to come back). But, seriously. It got up to 80 degrees Fahrenheit one day. Ridiculous! Opening my time capsule. I was actually supposed to open it on my 21st birthday but since I was in San Diego for school and my folks were in Colorado Springs, we didn't get around to it until last week. I'll write up a more detailed post this next month, but I'll just say that I definitely want to do the same thing for my future kids. It was so cool to find magazines, pins and toys from 1995 (my birth year)...and the letters my parents wrote to my future self 10/10 made me cry.

Stuffed to the brim!

Celebrating the fact that I'M GOING TO GRAD SCHOOL! As I wrote in this post last week, I'm officially going to be attending Minnesota State University Mankato...and my schooling will be paid for through a teacher's assistantship. I'm 100% terrified, 100% excited and 100% sure that I'll be freezing in Minnesota...but I'm also 100% sure that I have plenty of adventures coming my way! (And yes, that doesn't make mathematical sense. But I'm getting a master's in writing, not math, so I'm rolling with it). What I'm Planning Preparing for my grad school adventure. My next big challenge is to find an apartment (please send some prayers my way for finding an affordable apartment near campus!). I also need to majorly load up on winter clothes (because just looking up the average temps of Minnesota makes me shiver). I'll be moving to Mankato, Minnesota (!!!) sometime mid-July. I have teacher training from July 31 to August 11, and then classes officially start around a week later. So...let the fun begin!

Learning how to relax...which, as my friends and family know, is not a natural strength of mine. I'm actually taking two (much-needed) weeks off of my work with Entity Magazine. While everything worked out in the end, grad school stress has definitely taken a toll on my body and I'm looking forward to a chance to get some extra rest and sleep. Along with my grad school prep, of course! Partnering up with some epic brands and experimenting in the kitchen. I know I say to expect product reviews every month because, well, they happen. But this time you can look out for some new products from Aloha (mint chocolate vegan protein bars? Yes please!), a roundup of plant based products for Earth Day (including my fave Setton Farm's chewy pistachio bites) and a couple other surprises. And, with my extra free time, I'm hoping to break out of my food rut and try out some new recipes, like this creamy curry chickpea soup and a gluten free version of coco puffs cereal. Watch my Instagram to see what culinary shenanigans I end up getting into!

Breaking out the sun hat for a crazy hot winter day...

And...that's a wrap! I actually felt like this post wanted to go on forever - March was apparently just too exciting to quit. Now, just to wait and see what April brings my (and your) way! What was your favorite eat and/or activity from March? What are you planning for April? Tell me below :) via Blogger http://ift.tt/2nkkdVP

[inbl0om]

2016 in review

Hey followers, it’s that time of year again! Aka, the year is about over and I write a diary-entry-like text post about how the past 36[6, in this case] days have been for me. Which none of you will probably read. Oh well. Here goes:

Part I: January - Late May I returned to Fordham in the middle of January for my final semester at Fordham. Things were...hard for me to verbalize. A month before, December 2015, I overcame a brief scuffle I had with a few of my friends due to how belligerently drunk I got the night after my first LSAT. Things evened out, but I left LA after the new year with a very troubled heart. I kept asking myself, what would I do if I didn’t get accepted to any of the law schools that I applied to? I had no back-up plan. Ok, that’s a lie; I did: work for a year or so, then go back to school to get my MBA. But I made no effort to apply to any jobs in either city that I called “home.” And that’s another thing: the word “home” began to have many different connotations. So many that I began to hate the English language (for more than the obvious reasons) for having no other word(s) to express exactly how I was feeling. Every party I went to, every living room I pregamed in, every nap I took on Fordham’s quad (”Eddie’s” for all my Fordham followers)--just made me want to cling to New York City even more. College seniors everywhere dread “the ‘G’ word,” but there is no way to explain the disdain “graduation” inflicts on one’s mind and body when the second semester finally rolls around. If anything, the second semester--and every inching second towards the occurrence of the “g word”--makes you really pause the commotion of your life and smell the roses that are the life you made for yourself the past four years.

I met a boy in January on the MetroNorth. He was sweet--almost too sweet. I became too desperate for his attention that I scared him away. Pretty Typical. In February, I retook the LSAT. Then, on the 17th, I turned 22. Once again, I had a birthday party, but I was sad to see that not as many people came as did for my 21st. I also went on my first-ever Tinder date. In March, I came home to Los Angeles for Spring Break. I went to San Diego with a few friends from high school and let myself feel healed by the ocean. In April, I got my first law school acceptance. My fate was sealed. I placed my enrollment deposit and began to come to terms with the certainty that I was, in fact, going to leave New York City for good and return to Los Angeles. I was so happy. And I was so sad. My closest friends were all so ecstatic for my future (and I could tell because that Facebook status was my most-liked EVER at an astounding 180+), yet we all knew what it meant: I was leaving. I was going to be gone.

May was both wonderful and terrible for that reason. My job and my internship both ended, and I focused mainly on my remaining days in New York City. My roommate and I decided to have a “Purple Party” to celebrate that we were both going to graduate schools that just so happened to have the same official color: purple. Mutual friends of ours who lived in a house with a huge backyard let us throw it. Over 200 of our friends came. And at one moment, I actually almost cried. I almost cried because all of these people--who I had either been friends with all four years, had met them along the way, or had just met them that semester--were there for me. Followers, it’s no secret that I suffer from depression and anxiety. I have always had self-esteem issues, as well as abandonment issues and fears that I am never enough. But that night, in that moment, I felt loved. Senior Week commenced later that May. I can’t remember most of the events, but I remember them being fun for many reasons. One night I lay on Eddie’s with my other roommate and we looked at the stars and were holding each other in tears because of how thankful we were that we met each other. Another night, one of my best friends and I finally got around to talking about the reality that was me leaving soon. My brother flew in early (and stayed with his best friend from high school who just happens to go to my Alma Mater) and went to Senior Ball. Senior Ball was amazingly fun...until the after party. Ugh. So much unnecessary drama. But anyway, graduation finally happened. Graduation was surreal. The weather was cloudy, it was somewhat humid, my sister didn’t make it because she missed her flight because she chose her (now ex-)boyfriend’s prom over me, our speaker basically told us that the world is a very terrible place, and seeing AJ get his diploma made me happy that I finally got to say goodbye to him. But honestly, I still can’t believe that it happened. And I don’t think I even know where my diploma is. Oops. Anyway, I’m bummed that I didn’t get to take as many pictures with as many people as I wanted. And I’m still a little bummed that I spent too much time with my family doing all these touristy things. But after my mom and my sisters left, I had two days left in New York City. My last day was really, really hard. May 24th. I won’t forget it. I woke up that morning seeing my bags packed and my bed bare. My walls, which I am notoriously known by my friends for as being the most filled, were blank. I went to lunch with my best friends and tried not to cry the entire time. Afterward, we went to my apartment. In the two hours before my scheduled Uber was to pick me up, my friends helped me take down all the photos that I had taped on the walls. We laughed as we reminisced all the crazy moments that I had captured of our countless shenanigans. Some of my friends asked if they could keep certain photos because they realized in that moment how sentimental it was to them. And then finally, the uber came. I hugged each and every person of my squad. And then when I hugged my main girls--Darby, Alex, and Emma--I lost it. I hugged Darby the longest. But honestly, it’s probably more correct to say that she held me. I finally got the strength to get in the car...and as I drove off, not only did my friends wave, a few of them actually ran after the car. My heart broke into a million pieces. But then it swelled in joy. Never had I ever felt love like this. This love is accepting, this love is patient, this love knows who I am and wants to grow with me. Even with so much distance that I had now created between us. And my brother and I proceeded to get super drunk on the plane back to Los Angeles afterward.

Part II: Late May - Late August The best way to sum up my summer in 2016 is this: I was super fucking depressed. I was mourning my old life. At this point a year prior, I was starting my job in the Admissions Office, I had just moved in to my off-campus apartment, and I was spending every afternoon and night with my best friends either in their living rooms, their backyards, or via drunken shenanigans in Manhattan and Brooklyn. But this year? I was locked in my room watching Netflix and Hulu. Sure, I was very happy to be with my family, and I was happy that I got to spend a lot more time with my friends from high school that decided to move back to LA like I did. But something was missing. I felt empty. I felt lonely. And I felt my heart break even more when I saw via Facebook and Snapchat that my friends from Fordham seemed to have moved on with their lives and had accepted that I was no longer a part of it. I had a depressive breakdown in early July, a little after the fourth. I ripped the pictures of my college friends off my walls and threw many framed pictures I had on the ground, where they shattered. I screamed, cried, and wrote FAT and WORTHLESS all over my body in sharpie. Then, about two weeks later, I went to the hospital because I was self-harming. I had not been suicidal to this degree since AJ broke up with me about a year and a half beforehand.

Then, in late July, two good things happened to me: (1) I started watching Haikyuu!! and (2) I began to take my Intro to Legal Writing class at my current law school. What I liked about my into to legal writing course is that, not only was it super preparatory for my starting career as a law student, I also met many people who I am still friends with--including Aileen, who has become my best friend at law school. Similarly, what I liked about (and still love about) Haikyuu!! is--put simply--it helped me fill a hole that I was feeling. Through the Karasuno Volleyball Club team, I was able to find a fictional psuedo-family while I was looking for ways to create a new one for myself in law school. I also briefly dated a guy I met on Bumble. That was okay, but ended pretty early on. It was nice to know that even LA boys wanted me. And on that note--I also finally came to terms with my sexuality and came out to my family. The summer ended a little early for me because of orientation, but I’m happy that it did. After having a few crying fits wondering whether law school was what I was actually meant to be doing with my life, I was finally ready to attack head-on.

Part III: Late August - December The only thing I really got from orientation was new friends. And honestly, close to 85% of the people I met that first week are still my friends now that the semester is over. These people (Aileen, Josh, Maddy, Michael, Alex, and Joanna) are the main persons who kept me sane. Followers, law school is like nothing I have ever--or will ever--experience. The reading is literally only case opinions, class time is spent trying to affirm what you taught yourself, and your grade in the class is (almost always) determined by the final and maybe a midterm. You have you teach yourself most of it. Your professor is only there to help clear up any questions you have on the rules, their elements, and/or their factors. The most difficult part is teaching yourself the application the rules, because some rules are very broad, and others are super narrow. But once you get the gist of determining which rule falls where, everything else begins to fall into place. Labor Day Weekend was spent in Lake Arrowhead with these new friends. Followers, I haven’t seen that many stars in years. I made a few wishes on three (!!!) of the four shooting stars I saw, and I actually had a panic attack. But!! these new friends were actually super supportive and patient. I guess those are just a few perks of having friends who are older than you.

I actually flew to New York City for Fordham’s homecoming at the end of September! And let me tell you, there were waterworks. The first day, I went to breakfast with my old roommate and another close friend in Brooklyn, and my old roommate and I just about cried when we were reunited after she ran down the stairs to greet me from the uber. My old roommate and I went into Manhattan and ran errands before meeting with my other old roommate, Darby, and our other friend Ben for dinner. And once again, Darby held me while I cried. I was just so happy. There are so many posts on my tumblr in which I attempt to describe how warm, welcome, and loved that these people make me feel. We had a wonderful midtown dinner at an Italian restaurant with live music before heading down to the Village to go out. I got to meet some of Alex’s new friends at her grad school (which was a nice touch because she had taken me on a tour of her portion of the NYU campus earlier that day). We had a pretty lovely rest of a rainy night before going back to our borroughs to sleep. The next morning, Katie arrived, I got to eat NYC-style bagels that I missed oh-so-much, and we went to Homecoming. Homecoming was great because I got to see so many friends that I didn’t even realized I missed. We got drunk under the tent, went to a backyard party, and got pizza at the local spot afterward. And then, at night, a smaller group of us went to the old house of mutual friends that had younger mutual friends living there now. That’s when it hit me: things have changed. No part of my old life is how it used to be. Sure, these friendships will be maintained, and New York City will always be a part of me/have a piece of me--but the illusion that life as it was had not budged since graduation was immediately busted. I left the next day. With tears. But I know I’ll be back.

Anyway, the rest of the semester went by pretty smoothly. I briefly dated a guy I met on Bumble, but it turns out he just wanted me for sex. Whatever--he and his incredibly small penis can go fuck themselves. And then, there was another guy who I actually and genuinely thought liked me at my law school. But like Bumble fuckboy, he only wanted me for sex. He started to spread a rumor that I had assaulted him, which I quickly was able to shut down due to how completely false his accusations were. The good news: I was given a newborn hatchling tortoise!! Little Takala fully hatched on October 4. The little ooo came home to me on October 18, and my life has been exponentially better ever since. I have never understood the hype surrounding pets until I started to care for Lil T. I love that tiny animal more than I love myself. Academically, I hit a bit of a rough patch. I received a very low score, despite a gracious curve, on my first ever midterm exam. This trend continued with other midterms I took. But when December 1 hit, I decided to buckle down and redeem myself. There was no way in hell that I am not going to be at the top. The semester ended on December 21. My friends and I all went out and had a pretty crazy afternoon and night. I came to many realizations about my law school friends, such as who lies about their grades, who cheats, who steals outlines, and even things like who is manipulative and who is most likely going to be at the top or bottom of the class.

If 2016 taught me anything, it’s this: change is constant, and change is difficult. I left many friends and memories--a life--back in New York City; and I created a new life for myself in Los Angeles--aka the city that I was born in and grew up in. 2016 also taught me how to be resilient, how to stay true to myself, and how to both open up about these emotions and to also be a better listener. 2016 was better than 2015 in that I was able to do so many cool things with my friends (both old and new), but it was also worse than 2015 in that all these changes all at once made me very depressed in such a way that was completely different from the depression I felt in 2015.

Hopes for 2017 But anyway, I have a pretty good feeling for 2017. Because my birthday is on the 17th day of February, I have always considered 17 to be “lucky” for me. So, I hope that this year will be good to me. I hope that I can reach my goal weight, to live a healthier lifestyle, to be more receptive to change, to keep getting what I deserve (as in, have the fruits of my labors be from my effort rather than luck)--and, ultimately, to let my anxiety calm the fuck down and actually let life and the universe allow things to fall into place for me without me trying to move too fast or without me trying to unfairly manipulate things into my favor. So, I hope that 2017 will be better than 2016. No--I know 2017 will be better than 2016. Watch out, universe. I’m gonna slay.