#and can you imagine how long The Library Therapy scene will be????

[apricusapollo]

this slytherin gang x the breakfast club au is turning out to be a lot longer than I expected not gonna lie–

[pearblossommina]

ToG Read-A-Long, Tower of Dawn, day 2

Ch 6

“to completion”

Gosh this hurts my heart. So much of sex is focused on a man’s orgasm, anyways. Especially for a young man, like Chaol. He probably feels so inadequate, and I feel like that was the worst come-on imaginable. I just love her for offering, for being willing to love him and treat him like she always has. Chaol needs someone like her. But this whole “completion” thing - I feel for him. I think the most important thing right now is just making sure they both enjoy themselves. Don’t put so much pressure on the act of an orgasm, male or female, I can’t think of a worse way to make a sexual encounter feel like an obligation instead of just letting it be as fun and meaningful as any other part of a relationship.

I also get the vibe this prince is kinda flirtatious with Nesryn. We love a flirtatious prince!

But uh, I’m growing to like Nesryn a lot. And I don’t want to see her break Chaol’s heart. I mean, she can do what she wants, she can flirt with a prince and go for a breathtaking ride on a ruk through the skies of Antica - she should be able to do that, she should be able to enjoy herself, and flirt, and fall in love - and I want her to. I want to see her live her best life, believe me, I do. But i’m a little bit obsessed on Chaol, lol, and I need to see him be treated with kindness and love.

Ch 7

Ah political intrigue, and peacocks and posturing.

I’m not sure how to feel about Chaol being obsessive over Nesryn, lol. I know I just stood up for him in the last chapter but he was being kind of possessive and mean in this one. She’s Captian of the Guard, and she’s strong and capable, and this is her family and her home. Probably their dynamic needs to change a little bit. Mutual respect, yeah.

I’m glad her family is okay.

I’m glad she’s not in eminent danger.

Ch 8

There are… too many new characters lmao I’m having such a hard time keeping them straight.

One prince wants to be with Yrene and one prince was flirting with Nesryn. One prince was posturing politically to Chaol. One princess is a lesbian and she’s friends with Yrene and likes to go out drinking. My ability to focus is so strained right now for this.

"There are choices in my past," he said tightly,

"that I have come to regret. But I can only move on - and attempt to fix them. Fight to make sure they do not occur again."

That’s right baby! Good for you Chaol! You still fight for a better world, and for a better you! Never forget that you are a hero - you are my hero!

This chapter was so touching, ugh. Yrene is gonna be a hell of a healer someday, but she does need to work on herself. I think agreeing to work with Chaol is going to end up benefiting both of them.

Ch 9

“Indeed, some small part of him hoped Yrene would stay away, if only to avoid what she so heavily implied they'd also be doing: talking.

Discussing things. Himself.”

This is the book where Chaol gets therapy

I love this book, lol

The little dinner scene is good and helps me kinda get more familiar with all these characters.

I like Hasar the most, surprise surprise, Maddy latching onto the only sapphic character

Ch 10

“She knew that face, gaunt as it was. Knew the golden-brown hair, nearly the twin to her own. The healer from the Womb, the very one she'd comforted only hours earlier -“

WTF

Who’s sucking out souls in the library???? What entity - is it a valg - this is BS, we’re all over here without firepower and magic (except healing magic) HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO FIGHT SOUL SUCKING DEMONIC FORCES

I’m very upset about this

[magidragon12]

"This is what I do. Every time one of us moves on. I find them a star. That's where we go. Whoosh. Back to the stars."

One thing I really loved about this episode was a chance to show all the different grieving styles of the characters. It was definitely the "very special episode" of the bunch. So I present: the ghosts (and Alison) and how they grieve.

"Lots to sort out, I imagine. I can help if you like. Please may I help, I'd like to help."

First off we have Captain, who I feel any of us could have predicted. He throws himself into task after task, and I think it was actually pretty vulnerable how he kept asking Alison to give him things to do. He likes a distraction from his grief so he doesn't have to process it, and it was nice to see him actually 'break down' in a sense during the eulogy scene, dropping his stoic facade in a way he never would have done in earlier seasons. And the way he then comforts Julian... argh!

"Thank you for coming. I realise today that we've all been running away from the one thing that unites us all. The one thing that I think we've all been feeling. Grief."

I feel like Alison was kind of similar. Trying to go about her day as normal, doing tasks, except with her she doesn't have much of a choice, it would be pretty difficult for Mike to throw together an entire party by himself. But the way he took charge for her in the end was sweet, and she let herself feel the grief normally, while helping the ghosts out of their rut like normal.

"You know, today reminds me of when Maggie's cat died. She was so angry we had to hide the nuclear launch codes. I'm not angry with you lot."

Julian's struck a particular chord with me. His nitpicking, his need for "OOORRDAH!" in a world which doesn't make as much sense as it did a day ago. I feel like he doesn't exactly hide his grief, just channels it into bossiness and a different kind of frustration. Grief is frustrating. Death is frustrating. But it's easier for a devil may care guy like him to pretend that he's upset about something like misplaced library books than the loss of a friend, especially when during his political career showing vulnerability could be your downfall.

"She is finding it hard to process. But I'm just trying to explain it in a way she understands."

Pat actually took a pretty mature aproach. He helped Kitty through her own grieving process in a way which makes me feel like he's done this before? Maybe Daley lost his grandparents at some point and Pat helped make sense of the loss to his son. His "she might still be with us!" line feels like something he would have said to his kid before learning of what the afterlife truly entails. He plays the responsible figure, as always, but ended up spiraling a bit trying to spare Kitty's feelings. Like with the Captain, he also tries to be useful, but wasn't as panicked about throwing himself into it. 8/10 good grieving strategies.

"She's gone, Pat. She's gone."

Kitty... I feel bad for her honestly. It reminds me of the therapy episode, everyone trying to spare her feelings, but I'm glad she managed to come to terms with it in the end. It was really sweet how Pat reassured her, and her tearing up just made the scene.

"Alison, Mary's gone. She's actually gone! What are we to do?"

Fanny's big grief moment hit me the hardest honestly. When she turned around to fetch Mary so they could watch Loose Women together, and was left calling her name for a bit too long until she finally remembered, and then broke. Even went to Alison to vent about it during the party, unbecoming of a lady I'm sure, but I feel like in that moment she didn't care. In the end they were friends. And she's lost a good companion.

"Forgive me. But how do I..."

Thomas, oh boy. He wasn't simply grieving as much as he was overwhelmed by grief. Just the image of him sitting in the bathtub made me sad, because that is exactly what I would have pictured his grieving style to be like if you would have asked. And yes, he made it about himself as he makes all things, but once that was pointed out to him, he decided to be selfless instead. To do something much more appropriate for mourning Mary. It was a really great Thomas moment what he did with the eulogy, and made the final scene of the episode really touching.

We didn't get to see a lot of Humphrey, but honestly I think he'd be a little distant from it. Sort of "well it is what it is" like he is with most things.

"I've been around a long time. Like a really long time. I've seen this happen so much... can't do this every time. The pain? I deal with it my own way."

Robin's grief method was one I predicted from the beginning. The way he seems to not care, well he's been around the carousel a few times. He's desensitised in a way the others aren't. That being said, the ending while he named the stars, and picked one for her, they had a connection. Even if he's had a connection with thousands over the years, a connection is still a connection. He grieves in his own way, detached but still meaningful towards her memory.

Long story short, this episode ate my emotional state alive. Please feel free to add your own interpretations.

Pls reblog this took forever

[faintblueivy]

So Imagine...

A world where Bruce Wayne died as a child in that alley that day, Martha and Thomas Wayne grieve as normal parents. They DO NOT BECOME BATMAN AND JOKER. 

Nothing ever remains the same after losing their little boy. So, Thomas buries himself in his work and Martha drowns herself in depression and pain. They do therapy and it works a little and life becomes bearable but...not happy.

One day, Alfred badgers the couple to go out and relax a little and buys them tickets for a circus - Haly’s circus. Everything was going nice and dandy and Martha was in awe of this little acrobat as much as the rest of the crowd when suddenly the rope snaps and the boy’s parents fall to their deaths - right in front of him and the gathering. Thomas is quick to jump in to see if he could help them in any way but Martha can see it in his eyes that they are as dead as they can be. 

They return to home with heavy hearts and Martha can’t get the image of the little boy out of her head. His skin was a light shade of bronze but his dark hair and bright cerulean blue eyes reminded her so much of Bruce that her heart wouldn’t rest. So a few days later she uses her connections to know if the child is safe and well cared for, when to her immense horror, she is replied that he was shipped to Gotham Juvie due to the lack of foster homes. She is enraged.

She calls Thomas and Alfred and lets them know about the little acrobat’s situation and declares that she was going to adopt him. They hesitate a little but she is not to be deterred as she goes ahead and brings the little boy home. 

Richard John Grayson - Wayne. Or Dick, as he likes to call himself. 

He is adamant that he wants no parents and Martha is fine because not only that she is old enough to be not his mother but also because no child can ever be her Bruce.

“You can just call me Grandma then.” She tells him.

His eyes are wide but he nods and then smiles and Martha, in a long while, has never felt this happy. 

Her new Grandson, despite losing his parents, is a ray of sunshine with unlimited supply of energy and the cold and empty manor is warm and happy again. 

Dick is a little charmer and even after Thomas and Alfred’s initial reluctance, they immediately fall in love with the boy and one day, when Martha comes down to the morning breakfast, she hears a happy, deep rumble - one she has not heard in many years. Thomas is laughing. 

There on the dining table, seated beside Dick, was Thomas laughing. Her eyes water at the scene and Alfred, who is standing beside her offers her a handkerchief. None of them mention how his own eyes are wet too.

 ...

Dick is sixteen, a brilliant boy in academics as much as they disinterest him but an invincible athlete. Martha has been told time and time again that her grandson is undoubtedly a international level gymnast. But he is a teenager.

And teenagers steal their grandparent’s ‘coolest’ car and rush off into the night. But they don’t come back with a little battered and bruised, homeless kid tucked under their arm.

“He had jacked three tires off your car. When I confronted him, he tried to hit me with a tire iron.” He says, amused, as Thomas tries to convince the child to show him his injuries.

“I didn’t do nothin’! He’s a fuckin’ big boob liar!” They boy screams, his blue green eyes glaring daggers at Dick.

“Language.” Both her and Alfred warn simultaneously.

After hours of struggle, interrogation and fuck you’s, Martha learns that the child’s name is Jason. He is twelve. Mother died form drug overdosing and Dad is a petty henchman of some crime lord. He ran away from multiple foster homes because they are so abusive that the child feels safer on streets. 

Martha goes on a rampage over Gotham’s foster care after that. She did not donate millions of dollars annually for children to feel safer on streets. After of lot of talks and reassurances and promises, Martha acquires her second grandchild.

Jason Peter Todd - Wayne. 

Jason is tiny. Malnourished like Leslie said. But he is sharp, observant and hungry for knowledge. Martha and Alfred joke that Jason is Thomas' soul child. Where Dick had loved activity and movement, Jason liked quiet and stability - Martha thinks that running and fighting for survival on streets every single day does that you. So evenings often found her and Dick in the garden but Thomas and Jason in the library pouring over as many books as they can.

And to nobody's surprise, despite their rocky start, the boys become inseparable. They are outwardly different, with clashing interests and behaviors but Martha can see that they both carry the same cores of light.  

When the morning of Dick’s Parent’s death anniversary comes around, both her and Thomas find Jason on Dick’s bed, arms curled protectively around his big brother. For the first time in so many years, Dick wakes up to warmth surrounding him, not nightmares. 

...

Both her grandsons attend Gotham Academy so when she receives a phone call from the Principal, she is half surprised and half not. When she enters the Principal’s office, both her boys are standing on one side, Jason with his head hung in shame and Dick glaring daggers at the other side. The boy who seems to be injured is being coddled by his mother who is shooting nasty glares at her grandchildren periodically. 

Then she notices another small boy standing beside her boys, trying to melt into the wall.

Tim Drake. The only son of Jack and Janet Drake of Drake Industries.    

She arches a questioning eyebrow at Dick who shakes his head and then she turns to the Principal. 

“What happened here?”

“Glad to see you’re here Mrs. Wayne.” The Principal says, pushing his glasses up his nose, “I regret to inform you that your ward Jason Peter Todd attacked this young man here.” He gestures to the other boy. 

“Madam, Gotham Academy is a prestigious school and we do not encourage physical violence here. Yes, it might have been acceptable from where he came from but it won’t be, here. I hope you give us the right to punish Mr. Todd here appropriately.” 

Martha inwardly bristles at the jab at her grandson and says crisply, “Mr. Wayne.”

“What?”

“He’s not just Todd. He is a Wayne. Please remember that.”

“Principal Sir.” Dick cuts in and Martha is confused because as hyperactive as Dick is, he is a mannerly child and knows better than to cut in a conversation like this but what draws her attention is the chilling tone which Dick almost never uses. Dick continues, “Why don’t you tell our grandmother more of your regrets? Or the prestigious Gotham Academy believes that bullying is acceptable.” 

Martha has been told what she needs to know. 

“Jason?” she calls out to her youngest grandson softly, “What happened?”

Jason is quiet when suddenly Tim Drake moves forward. She can see he is scared the way his hands shake but determination shines in his blue eyes. She likes him.

“I want to say something.”

He narrates the tale of how he was being bullied and how the boy on the other side with his mother threw his science project model away and broke it and physically tried to attack him when Jason stepped in to save him. Martha felt nothing but pride at Jason’s righteous indignation. 

Tim also explained that Jason exercised immense control even after these bullies called him ‘street rat’, but the verbal spar intensified after Dick was insulted for his Romani heritage, but it came to fist fight after Thomas and Martha were insulted, and Bruce’s death was made fun of.

Her gaze snaps to the other three occupants of the room and they are all in various shades of pale. Apparently, the Principal had not done his homework.

“Principal” She says icily, “Yes, I give you the authority to punish Jason appropriately but only when this young man here”, she gestures to the boy who was now cowering behind his mother, “Is dealt with in the same way.”

After threatening the Principal in soft words but harsh tone about not tolerating to having her grandsons bullied the next time, she grabs Jason’s hand to drag him away from these people who don’t deserve his company, when her eyes fall on the little trembling Tim. 

She offers him her hand.

He stares at it, shocked but after an encouraging smile from Dick and a small shove from Jason, he takes it shyly.

And since that day, Tim becomes a member of Martha’s family. The boys stay together so much that even Thomas forgets that Tim is not theirs. 

Tim’s upbringing sends Martha’s grandmother instincts on a haywire and she resents the Drakes for their criminal neglect towards Tim. 

It is rewarding that Tim flourishes in their attention. 

She learns that his hobby is Photography and he is excellent at it. And he is a genius when it comes to science, computers and gadgets. He likes crime thrillers movies and books and often picks them apart with his scarily good knowledge about forensics that leave the rest of the family in awe and slightly disturbed. 

The dam breaks when one day Jason and Dick return back from school telling her that Tim was absent today and they are worried about him. When they later sneak into the Drake mansion in the evening, Thomas receives a frantic call from their oldest grandchild that Tim was burning with fever. Because Thomas is a doctor, they save Tim before anything serious happens.

This time, it is Thomas who sues the Drakes for Tim’s custody after him and Jason had, had enough of ‘Timbo’s shitty parents’.

“Timothy?” Martha brushes his sweat soaked forehead gently. “Would you like to be a member of our family legally?"

Tim is hesitant about this but he admits that he likes Wayne manor much better than he ever liked Drake mansion. He confesses that he loves Jason and Dick as brothers and sees Martha, Thomas and Alfred as his grandparents as well.

The long custody battle ends with both Jack and Janet Drake dying at the hands of two different tragedies, leaving Tim an orphan, but also with a loving family consisting of three grandparents and two brothers by his side. 

Timothy Jackson Drake - Wayne is adopted into the Wayne family as her and Thomas’ third grandson.

...

A year after they adopt Tim, Thomas comes home with a small girl on his side. She is clearly an east Asian in heritage with dark hair and dark eyes and is speech deprived. Thomas is clearly distressed after Cassandra - her name is Cassandra - is safely secured in warm bed in a nice room across Jason’s. He calls her, the three boys and Alfred to his study to explain about the small girl. 

He talks about how Gordon brought the girl to him and after hours of wordless, signed and clumsily sketched on paper conversations with the little girl they were able to determine that Cassandra was hiding from her father who was an assassin and wanted to drag the little girl down the same path before she ran away. The more he talks about the damage and abuse the girl had experienced at the hands on her own father, the more furious Martha becomes. When Thomas’ explanations ends, Jason slams a punch into the wall making a dent but no one has the heart to reprimand him for that. 

The following morning, Martha can see that her three boys have unanimously decided that they are adopting Cassandra as their sister. She is treated like a Princess, and given the nick name ‘Cass’. 

Slowly but surely, Cass learns what it means to love through Dick’s bright kindness, Jason’s quiet protection and Tim’s infinite patience. After her father is finally apprehended, the family celebrates.

Cassandra Wayne, soon after, becomes the beloved Wayne Princess of Gotham. 

Martha and Thomas often accompany their only granddaughter to her speech therapy lessons, so after six months of her adoption, at dinner, she places a kiss on everyone’s forehead - her three brothers and three grandparents, stands at the head of the table and croaks out, slowly, “Thank...thank you.” All of them stare at her flabbergasted, but it appears that she was planning to shock them even more.

“You...Love. Love you...”

The silence that follows her broken but sure words is deafening. Surprisingly it is Tim who breaks it as he scrambles out of his chair and launches himself at Cass, wrapping his arms around her and both Jason and Dick follow him, grabbing both their youngest siblings fiercely.

A quiet sob breaks her out of the trance and she smiles when she watches Thomas furiously wiping his tears from the sleeve of his shirt. The last time he     had cried was at Bruce’s funeral. And Martha is infinitely grateful that this time these are happy tears. 

...

Sometimes Martha wonders what would have happened if Bruce had lived. If these children are her grandchildren then does that mean they are Bruce’s kids? Had Bruce lived, would he have accepted these gaggle of kids that her and Thomas have collected over the years as his own? Would he have kids of his own? 

Her questions are answered when one day she hears a slight commotion in the entrance is surprised to see a young woman with a sword threatening Alfred.

“I want to meet the Master of this house. Let them know immediately.” She demands in an authoritative but silky voice, and Martha suddenly sees the Toddler clutched in her arm. 

“What is it?” Martha speaks as soon as she can when the woman notices her. She looks surprised for a second but immediately schools her features as the baby fusses.

“You’re alive.” She whispers and before any of them could make an indignant comment about her wordings, she says, “It appears that I might have traveled in to the wrong universe.”

Now that is interesting. Martha lives in a world where they are protected by aliens...so, it is certainly worth hearing for. 

Martha offers the young lady an invitation for tea which she accepts. She notices how the woman carries herself with lethal grace and dignity as if she was a Princess but much more. As they sit and Alfred leaves to bring the promised team Martha notices how the woman’s eyes sweep over the place. 

“How may I help you?”

Her voice attracts the attention of the toddler and this time, he is not clutched tightly enough to his mother’s chest to turn his small head and look at her. Martha gasps. Because the child looks too much like Toddler Bruce. But instead of the blue eyes like her son, this child has glowing green ones, like his mother. But still, the resemblance is uncanny. 

“Yes, he is your son’s.” The woman answers the unasked question.

She is explained the existence of Multiverse, and it’s workings and how Bruce survived instead of them in that world, met Talia (the woman’s name is Talia Al Ghul) and had a child but had to leave. Talia mentions the reason she came here was because her son’s life was in danger and Talia’s father wanted to raise her son as an assassin Prince and a tool for him to use. Talia’s solution to protect her son was for her to give her son to the Bruce of this world to raise, since the Bruce of that world had gone missing.   

“I can raise him.” Martha suddenly declares and the woman looks at him shocked. “I will not raise him into a life of violence but I can certainly protect him and give him a happy civilian life.”

Talia looks unsure, hesitant, but says, “I...have been a warrior since the day I can remember. Never once have I ever thought of my son not being a warrior. He was...born to be one.” 

Martha smiles. “He doesn’t have to be one. Yes, his life will be infinitely different than the one you imagined but...he will be well loved and protected. I can assure you of that.”

“Damian.” Talia whispers as he deposits the baby in her arms after a lot of consideration. “His name is Damian.”

She looks at her son tenderly one last time and places a kiss on his forehead and Martha’s heart breaks a little for the young mother. 

“Will you return back for him?” Martha asks as she follows the Talia to the door.

“No.” Talia whispers, her voice strained. “I will not. Any action taken by me is monitored by my father closely. If I return back, then he might know that I have left Damian here and I cannot let that happen. He is yours, forever.”

Martha gives her a sad smile. “You’re a brave and good mother Talia. Thank you for doing what is best for your son.”

She nods, not turning to look at Damian one last time as she leaves the manor grounds, never to return. 

Martha looks at the baby secure in her arms and her lips quirk up into a grin at the sight of two curious green eyes watching her with interest. 

“Welcome to the family, little Damian.”

When she introduces the new addition to the family, Thomas is dumbfounded. Dick is ecstatic at the prospect of having a new baby brother, Jason is secretly pleased, Cass is happiest and Tim looks unsure.

That’s how Damian Wayne - Al Ghul joins the family.

Damian fits in their home spectacularly. After few days of hesitation, like he had with Dick, Thomas takes to Damian quickly. He has an epic competition going on with their eldest grandson to become the baby’s favorite. Damian refuses to sleep without Thomas but his tantrums are only controlled and won over by Dick. Damian loves Jason manhandling him and giggles happily when the older boy throws him in the air or swings him around. Damian loves Cassandra because she knows what he wants before any of them do. And Cass loves to carry her little brother around to watch birds and animals in the manor grounds.

The only person Damian seems to not get along with is Tim and the older boy seems not be fond of him either. Because Damian wants everything Tim does and the older brother has to compromise for Damian every time. But Martha has to bite laughs a lot now a days because almost everytime Damian falls asleep, it is with Tim in vicinity. And she has caught the older boy tenderly covering Damian in his favorite blanket more often than not. Martha thinks that this is kind of cute but keeps her opinion to herself. 

Her little grandson is quite protective of his siblings though. Anytime someone upsets any of his siblings, they are threatened with scowls, growls and even bites and stabbings in extreme cases.

Like last time when Mrs. Park made fun of Cassandra’s  speech impairment, Damian almost bit her finger off. Damian hates one of Dick’s racist colleague (they all do) so much that anytime the man enters his field of vision, the first thing Damian gets his hand on is thrown at the guy’s head. With deadly precision. And last time when Mr. Link had called Jason ‘street rat’ for personally volunteering charity work for poor and homeless, Damian had smeared his juice and drool covered hands on the Man’s thousand dollars suit. And when one time, a reporter had infiltrated a Gala and chased Tim around to ask uncomfortable questions about his parent’s death and the Wayne’s involvement in it, Damian, noticing Tim’s distress had stabbed the reporter with a fork with no hesitation. 

Martha is still not sure if she should encourage or reprimand Damian for that.

...

As she sits on the head of the table with Thomas on her side and Alfred on the other end, she wonders how miraculous it is for her to have all these children in her life. 

Dick is engaged in an animated conversation with Stephanie who was introduced to the family as Tim’s girlfriend. Barbara, the daughter of James Gordon and Dick’s girlfirend/or not was helping Cass pile up food on her plate. Damian and Tim were bickering over something as usual but Jason trying to hide his snickers in guise of drinking water which made Martha sure that the something was Jason’s doing.

These people were her family. The ones she had gained after losing Bruce. She wonders, if there was a universe where Bruce got to meet her grandchildren. 

Would he accept them? As family? 

Would he love them? As family? 

She brightly smiles when the multiple sets of eyes turn to her waiting for her to blow the candle.

“Happy Birthday Martha.”

Thomas says warmly, his voice thick with emotion and she meets his gaze and sees the love, affection and thankfulness in his eyes for this family that they had created after their earth shattering loss. She knows what she wants as she blows the candle on the cake flickering in front of her.

I wish for us to be family in every universe.

[borathae]

Fanfic Writer asks

Tagged by @daegulinekush thank you so much, love!! 💜

1) Who is your favorite character to write for and is this the character you find easiest to write for?

I can’t possibly pick, I have so many characters I love writing for. The aaol couple, all of my tct characters, the SA lovelies. Like I even enjoy writing certain side characters like for example The Old Choi from OY. I couldn’t possibly pick because I pour so much in love into all of my characters no matter how big or small

except for CBT OC, she’s a bitch and I wanna fight her

2) What is your favorite fic of yours?

I love all of my stories very dearly ahhfhd but my Top Five (in no particular order) would be:

Queendom Series

Sanguis Alpha

The Cocktail Trilogy

An Abundance of Luck & A Sprinkle of Fate

Only Yesterday

3) What fic of yours do you think is underrated?

My husband!Yoongi series. You guys, read it. He’s so cute!!

4) What fic of yours were you surprised by how popular it was?

Cold Gun 

You bitches said it’s horny time and I respect & support that

5) Do you like one shots or multi-chapters?

I like both. It all depends on my mood and what I want to create that day.

Oneshots feel like a quick daytrip. They are great if I have a random idea begging to be created or if I need a distraction from working on my longer stories. And they don’t really occupy my mind once I finished them, so they are always a refreshing way to pass the time.

Multi-chaptered stories feel more like a long journey without a set arrival time. They take up my thoughts for a period of time and stay with me throughout that time. Like for example, I will always see Late Summer of 2020 as my “Purple Rain Summer” as I actively worked on PR during that time and Fall 2021 will always be my “Sanguis Alpha Autumn” because that is what I worked on during that time.

6) Do you outline your fics? If so, how?

Not really? Most of my outlining happens in my brain throughout the day hahaha I have like a mental catalogue of all my story outlines on demand whenever I want to. I can actually visualise myself picking out a certain book and opening it and then flipping through its pages. Like no joke, I actually have a mental library of my WIPs I can always go to afadf

7) How do you edit your fics? What do you look for in your edits?

I reread the story at least two times after finishing it, then let it sit for a day or two and then reread it one last time. I look for grammatical errors, punctuation errors, plotholes, wonky sentences/dialogue and sometimes I also end up adding more details to scenes to make them even more engaging.

For my multi chaptered stories, I like to reread every chapter once after my entire editing process and then once right before posting just in case I missed some mistakes. 

8) Do you take inspiration from real life? If so how do you incorporate it into your fics?

Yes I do. I use my stories as therapy at some parts. It can be either through one character struggling and finding guidance in another character’s words. Or sometimes it’s just someone getting their face punched in while I imagined the face of someone who wronged me whilst writing the scene ahhaha I said what I said. Also obviously places, food, music, art, just living life inspires me as well and I like to incooporate it in my stories in some way or another.

9) Do you visualize scenes in your head before you write them? (Can you picture the setting, character body language etc)

I picture the setting & body language yes. I also smell scents. I mean not like actually smell them, but my mind connects certain scents with certain settings. My scenes are definitely very sensory imput heavy. Also, I can see my settings perfectly, I just suck at describing them. Like I know how the house of the OGC couple looks like & I can see myself walking through the SA estate into the smallest to details. I just can’t describe them to you guys hahaha

10) How do you feel about writing plot, setting/description, inner thoughts, dialogue?

how do I feel about it? I mean, I love it. Isn’t that the whole point of writing? That you create your own little worlds with their own plots & settings & history? I also love writing inner thoughts & dialogue. Also again, the only thing I always struggle with is describing environments. Like the pretty views are all in my mind, but I can’t get them on paper. No joke, if someone plugged a machine into my brain, which can conjure perfect replicas of how I imagine my worlds so I can show them to you guys, that would be great ahhaha

11) What perspective do you write from most and/or least and why? (1st, 3rd limited, 3rd omniscient, deep pov, etc)

Anything but 1st person, that makes me cringe so hard hahahah. I also had to google what “deep pov” means and I don’t think that I wrote that before either, but it sounds very interesting actually.

Also this is such a random sidenote but smut in German makes me want to drink bleach. I would rather give up writing forever then ever write smut in German hahahah

12) Do you like to switch pov's a lot or stick to one character?

I really enjoy switching POVs. It’s so much fun to tell the story from different characters’ eyes and how they might percieve certain events differently than other characters.

13) Are you a fast or slow writer?

I am neither fast nor slow, I am perfectly paced for my own self. Writing (as a fun lil hobby) should never be a race against time.

14) What is something you wrote in a fic that you are hoping readers picked up on but you don't know if they did? And/or, what is something that you were excited that readers did pick up on?

I had a few people tell me that they noticed the masked man in Ch.15 of SA say “little one” & that they remember Namjoon calling her like that in the library as well. So that was really cool because omfg yES you noticed!! 

I also really like it when people come to me after rereading a story and they go all like “omfg I noticed so many hints with the second read through, it should have been so obvious. It’s crazy how obvious some things are if you have more context”. Because that’s what I personally really love about revisiting stories, so it’s always nice to have people tell me that.

15) If you could only write one type of fic (angst, fluff, etc.) for the rest of your life what would it be?

Slice of Life happy moments & Smut between two people deeply in love oh those two just hit different

16) Do you have a method for getting characters to sound/feel in character?

Yes I have. I use certain vocabulary for certain characters and also structure my sentences differently. Let’s take Sanguis Alpha for example. If I wrote a scene out of Tae’s POV the sentences would be well structured and adorned with fancy, old-fashioned words. While during passages from Kook’s POV the sentences are short and sometimes many thoughts are jumble into one, because of how reactive he still is to every sensory imput and how every new imput can cause him to have a new thought.

17) Do you have any wips that you can tell us about? What are you most excited for in you wip?

YOU GUYS MAGNUS VENATIO IS RUINING ME OMFGF THE ANGST CONTINUES AND I CAN’T HANDLE IT ANYMORE I just had to make Tae cry and now I am broken because poor baby doesn’t deserve to cry :(

18) What's the most obscure thing you've researched for a fic?

Probably how quickly bullet wounds heal & how it feels to get shot in certain areas of the body (it’s for Family Matters because shit’s about to go down in that fic). Actually. Maybe also where to stab a person to kill them quickly fadsfha (it was for A Tiger’s Judgement). And like how certain poisonous mushrooms kill you (it’s for Fallen for You). lisTEN I could very succesfully kill people now HAHAHA for legal reasons, this is a joke lmoaoao 

19) What is some random info you happen to have that you used in a fic?

All of my photography knowledge in Shutter Sounds, that came in really handy.

20) What is your favorite thing about writing fanfic? What about writing in general?

Just that I can escape into my own little worlds and forget about the real world. And I guess about fanfic, it’s great because it’s with people you already know well so you miss out on that really tiring process of “getting to know the characters” because you already know how they might act & look and that can be really comforting to many people, including me.

Also, it’s also really fucking rewarding to look at a finished project and go “holy moly, those words in that specific order under that specifid plotline didn’t exist in this world before I created them and without me this story would have never even existed. I did that! I made a new thing from scratch!”

Thank you so much for this tag. I had a blast answering those questions!! I’m tagging anyone who wants to do this. I’m serious, tag me in yours if you decided to do it!! 💜

[michals]

Can I request some Luther and Vanya scene please

I had a more solemn, angstier idea for this then thought, naw, I'm just gonna let 'em hang out, haha. This is the album in the fic btw.

-

Allison jokingly calls them ‘playdates’ no matter how many times Diego protests and rolls his eyes. But Vanya has to agree with her, they really are kind of like playdates. Since the big reunion that was the end of the world…ends of the world, the seven of them have spent plenty of time together as a whole – usually in the form of family dinners that turn into all night group therapy sessions involving a lot of booze. But besides that they’ve gotten into the habit of breaking off into twos, spending more time one on one with each other. Playdates.

There isn’t a schedule for it but somehow Vanya always finds herself with Luther on Tuesdays. This Tuesday the record shop down the street from her apartment reopened after a remodel and it just seemed like something he’d like.

She was right, Luther walks out of the store with a stack at least 20 records tall. She thinks he probably made the shop owner’s whole week. A lot of the talk of 80’s rock divas and synth bands were lost on her but Luther enjoyed himself.

“Seriously I’ve been looking for this forever,” Luther says excitedly, holding up the one on the top. Vanya’s never heard of The Hothouse Flowers but then again she’s more a Mozart fan.

“You’re gonna run out of space in your room soon,” she tells him.

“Oh I’m converting dad’s office,” Luther says nonchalantly. “Like a music library or something.”

Vanya’s surprised, the Great Purge of the Academy mansion has been extensive yes, but so far dad’s office and bedroom have remained mostly off limits. That Luther’s the one to finally take that step is a good sign, she thinks proudly to herself.

Luther walks her home without it being a question. It’s early November now and the temperature dropped from mild to ‘good lord it’s fucking cold out I had to actually wear pants today’ – as Klaus puts it – in a matter of days. Vanya’s already broken out her thickest coat that looks like she’s smuggling something underneath.

“Want a beer?” she asks when they reach her place.

“Yeah, sounds nice,” Luther answers, stepping in behind her. She doesn’t really need to offer anything, Luther’s welcome to just hang out, because they do ‘hang out’ now. She spent over a decade out in the world but she’s never had a lot of friends. ‘Hanging out’ with everyone has been a welcome addition to her life.

She shucks her shoes but not her coat when they get inside the apartment, Luther awkwardly attempts to unlace his boots until Vanya takes the records from him. She makes sure he sees how delicately she places them on the counter.

He takes a seat on the couch, the same place he usually sits, as Vanya goes to the fridge. “I’ve got grapes and some pretzels too if you’d like some.”

“No no, I’m fine,” Luther says unconvincingly. Vanya nods like she believes him but takes the bag of pretzels with her, the beers in her other hand. He takes the beer then eyes the pretzels for a second before taking a handful. Vanya holds back a sly smile, she likes that she knows him well enough now.

They sit for a moment in silence as they open the bottles and take a drink. Then Luther looks around, brow furrowed.

“Is it really cold in here?”

She laughs, she was wondering if he was even going to notice. Super endurance and all. “Yeah, it is, sorry.”

“Do you…not want the heat on?”

“Radiator’s broken,” she says with a shrug, “I’ve told the super about it and he told me he’ll get to it.” (She’d mentioned it to Diego a couple days ago at lunch and had to insist that no, she doesn’t need him to ‘intimidate’ him for her, thank you though.)

Luther looks to the radiator across the room like he’s trying to see what’s wrong with it from here. He points and tentatively asks, “Can I?”

Vanya’s a bit taken aback, she has no idea what he can do about it but she gestures, says, “Yeah go ahead.”

Luther goes to the radiator, looks it over and then unceremoniously drops to sit cross legged in front of it. He looks down at the gasket that’s covered in rust.

“You have a wrench?”

Vanya almost laughs at that. “The only tool I have here is a corkscrew.” She’s never been all that handy.

Luther purses his lips, kind of shrugs and wraps his hand around it and turns. Who needs a wrench when you have super strength?

“Bucket and a rag?”

Those Vanya can provide, she grabs them from under the sink and brings them over. Luther fiddles with the gasket for second, puts the bucket under it and with another twist a stream of air bursts out of it and water sluices into the bucket. Vanya just watches in interest. After a moment the air stops and Luther replaces the gasket, wipes the water from it.

“Try it now,” he says. She turns the thermostat on for the first time in nearly two weeks. “Give it a second.”

She brings his beer over, hands it to him with a curious look. “How’d you know how to do that?”

He shrugs, “The one in the bedroom hallway broke a couple years ago, I had to figure it out.”

She tilts her head as she considers this. “Luther do you know how to fix other stuff?”

He gives another shrug. “Well, yeah I suppose. The house is pretty old.”

She’s never had to consider it before but now that she hears it it makes perfect sense. She’d never actually seen a repairman or a plumber or any kind of worker in the mansion though she’s sure there must have been a couple, she can’t imagine dad debasing himself to fix a clogged sink. But Luther’s lived in that house his whole life, it figures he’d taken over the upkeep of it.

“Why?” he asks, taking a sip of his beer, “Anything else broken?”

She lets out a sigh that turns into a laugh. “Well, the intercom’s never worked, and the latch on that window broke off – that’s how Mrs. Kowalski’s cat keeps getting in. Oh and the oven never gets very hot.”

Luther frowns in confusion. “You pay to live here right?”

She smiles again and it’s her turn to shrug. “I do, yeah. I know I should probably pester Dillion – the super – more but…” Honestly she hasn’t thought about it much, those problems have been around for a long time and she’d just learned to live with them without making a fuss, she used to be like that. It’s not til right now that she realizes she doesn’t have to anymore. She’s gotten a lot better at making a fuss.

“I can fix those,” Luther says.

“Really? Even the intercom?”

Luther tilts his head, says humbly, “I mean I did rebuild the towncar’s engine, it can’t be harder than that.”

And now Vanya’s really surprised. “The whole engine?”

“I, uh, had a lot of time on my hands,” he says sheepishly. And that does make her feel sort of bad. He’d been hidden away in that house for so long, she hadn’t spared it a thought back then. For all her own isolation, even after she left, she’d never considered that her brother was feeling it too.

Luther holds his hand up to the radiator, “Looks like it’s working now.”

Vanya puts her hand by it too, relief hitting her as she feels it heating up, she won’t have to sleep in her coat tonight. Luther gets to his feet, Vanya pretends to help though she knows he outweighs her by her whole body weight. He makes to go back to his seat when Vanya asks:

“You wanna put the record on?”

Luther’s eyes practically light up, “Yeah?” He’s already starting towards the stack on the counter, “This is their best album, debut, 1988.”

She takes her seat on the armchair, takes some pretzels as Luther goes on some more about the record as he carefully places it on her (admittedly very cheap) record player and starts it up. He gives a satisfied little nod as the song starts then returns to his place on the couch.

Vanya sits back and listens for a bit, and yeah, it’s not quite her style but Luther’s smiling.

“Next Tuesday?” she asks, “For the intercom?”

He settles back into the couch, “Yeah, Tuesday’s good.”

[searchingwardrobes]

Book Review: A Name Unknown

Intrigue and spying and found families and a hero who will tug at your heartstrings. All set in Edwardian England. 

Tagging: @snowbellewells @reynoldsreads @whimsicallyenchantedrose @xhookswenchx @welllpthisishappening @ultraluckycatnd @ekr032-blog-blog @singersdd  @shireness-says @optomisticgirl @bethacaciakay @hookedonapirate​

This is the second series by writer Roseanna M. White that I have started. I thought about waiting until I had read all three to review them, but I just couldn’t wait to share my love for this book! The name of the series is called Shadows Over England, and just like the previous series I read by her (Ladies of the Manor), they are set in Edwardian England. These are late in the Edwardian period, with World War I starting with the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand in this first book. 

In A Name Unknown, tensions are high all over Europe with alliances forming that will inevitably lead to what we know as WWI. In England specifically, there is widespread distrust and even hatred for anyone of German lineage, including the novel’s unlikely hero, Peter Holstein. Peter is a wealthy landowner, and handsome to boot, so why do I call him an unlikely hero? Because I have never read a romantic hero who stuttered. The dialogue is written to convey his stuttering problem, and I will be completely transparent, at first it was off-putting. This made me glaringly aware of my own prejudices. Like the people of Peter’s community, I had a difficult time in the beginning imagining him as charming or intelligent or attractive simply because of his stuttering. Peter isolates himself from all but his closest friends, causing his neighbors to distrust him even more.

The key to proving his allegiance to Britain is contained somewhere in the disaster of his family library. Enter Rosemary Gresham, who Peter thinks is a librarian seeking employment in organizing his library and helping him find important family documents. In actuality, Rosemary is a con artist, hired by a mysterious man to find evidence that Peter is a traitor. Rosemary is used to people making assumptions about her. A former street urchin with a found family of fellow thieves and cons, she’s used to being underestimated and having to lie, cheat, and scrape to survive. Her distrust of Peter has nothing to do with his stuttering and everything to do with his wealth. Gentlemen can’t be trusted, yet Peter seems different. The only question is, what does he type all day long in his office? What does he keep locked in that desk drawer? Everything in her says Peter Holstein is a good man, but can she learn to trust when all her life experience has told her not to?

As Rosemary slowly falls in love with Peter, the reader falls in love with him too, and like Rosemary, we stop thinking about his stuttering. I also could relate to Peter in so many ways. Like Peter, I’m an introvert, and like Peter, I’m better at expressing my feelings and thoughts when I write them down. I also tend to get lost in the fantasy world in my head like Peter. (The reason he does that is a spoiler, but you might be able to guess!)

It also made me think about what my husband went through as a child when he suffered from a stuttering problem. He, of course, had access to speech therapy that wasn’t available or understood in Edwardian times. It made me wonder how things would have been different for him if he still stuttered as an adult. My daughter has also struggled with speech issues, so this book really gave me greater empathy for both she and my husband. Some adults do, even today, have speech problems for various reasons, and this book made me more aware of my prejudices towards them. 

The final thing I want to praise this book for is a scene in which a character accepts Jesus Christ as savior. I have mentioned in the past that I hate when a book comes to a screeching halt to do a scene like this. It can feel forced like a “we interrupt this story for a very important message” type of thing. That is NOT how White writes this scene, however! It felt so natural and flowed with the rest of the story. Some of my favorite lines in the entire book come from this scene. I cried as the character came to understand the grace of Jesus. 

Some of my other favorite lines came from the many times Rosemary defends Peter. She despises anyone who judges him because of his stuttering. I love when characters rise to the defense of the person they love, especially when, like Rosemary, they are in denial about their feelings. I also love this line that Rosemary says: “I’ve scarcely noticed if he’s handsome or not.” Which was true. Perhaps he was—certainly he was, if one thought about it—but why would one? It highlights what makes Rosemary truly love Peter: his character. His looks are secondary. 

The next two books in the series focus on other members of Rosemary’s “family” of con artists, both of whom are introduced in this first book. Has the war affected their “profession?” I refuse to give that one away!

I highly recommend this book filled with complex characters, intrigue, and plot twists. I’m looking forward to what’s to come in books two and three!

[insanelycooljk]

IF UR STILL DOIN THESE can i ask about your roleswap au? oR the evan is a compulsive liar one, whichever! @bandtrees

send me the title of one of my deh wips and I’ll share an excerpt/tell you a bit about it  

(you can read my reply about the “maybe evan really IS a compulsive liar” one here)

Oh boy the roleswap au... honestly this is an idea I’ve had for a really long time that I kind of forgot about, but then Kayla’s jared dies! au inspired me to revisit it. In a suprise to absolutely no one lmao, there’s a whole lot of angst. Like, I’d kind of forgotten what the plot was, and when I went back and read over my notes for it the other day I made MYSELF cry. So uhhh, yeah, this one’s gonna hurt

The concept is very simple, and I’m sure has been done before, but basically Evan and Connor (and Jared and Zoe to an extent) swap roles. So Evan dies, and Connor writes a therapy letter which gets mistaken for Evan’s suicide note. On that, obviously trigger warning for suicide.

Alright so this wip still needs a lot of work because I’m still trying to narrow it down to a single cohesive plot and figure out how to keep it in character (for instance I just can’t see Connor forming the equivalent of The Connor Project and dragging out the lie to that extent) But, here’s what I’ve got at the moment!

The first day of school is almost identical to canon, so I won’t get into that, but Evan still had his attempt over the summer and hence has his broken arm. I mean yeah, maybe Evan’s dialogue is a little different because he’s struggling more with his depression, but I don’t see his second attempt as necessarily being planned. It’s more of an impromptu “finish what I started��� decision he makes after having an awful first day back at school

The only real change from canon at this point is the letter. It’s a therapy assignment for Connor rather than Evan.

The scene where Evan prints his letter and Connor signs his cast is essentially the same as canon too, except obviously Connor is the one writing the letter. Evan is just in the library to print out some homework or something for school.

After they talk/Connor signs his cast, Evan goes over to the printer to grab his own thing, and sees the page underneath has “Dear Connor Murphy” written at the top. Evan assumes it’s Connor’s, so in an attempt to be nice, grabs it as well.

Aaaaand here’s where the angst really starts. Originally I was going to do a whole kleinphy thing by fully switching Zoe and Jared. But then I had an excellent (aka horrible) idea.

So Connor’s finished letter still follows the same format of Evan’s as [today was NOT an amazing day] [talking about Zoe/Jared] [sad shit].

Except here’s the thing. The morning was essentially the same as canon, which means Jared still made the awful school shooter joke. So sure, Connor mentions Jared in his letter, but he’s got nothing nice to say. As he’s venting about how today wasn’t an amazing day, he writes a few lines about how Jared is a fucking asshole and he can’t believe he ever thought that they could actually be friends.

... Yeah. I’m sure you can already guess how that is going to turn out :(

But the angst doesn’t stop there. Evan clearly isn’t going to see Jared’s name in Connor’s letter and freak out because he thinks Connor has a crush on him. That just... makes zero sense lmao. But you know what Evan might think when he sees Jared’s name? Especially after Jared was a dick to Evan at the start of the day?

That they’re making fun of him.

“D-did Jared put you up to this?”

“… What?”

“He… you’re making fun of me. Both of you.”

Connor can see Evan’s spiralling into some sort of panic attack, knows he probably shouldn’t push but he’s got no clue what the fuck Evan is talking about.

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

“That’s why you came to apologise and-, and why you signed my cast, you two are making fun of me.”

“What? I wasn’t-“

Evan’s not even listening, he just keeps talking like he can’t hear Connor at all.

“I can’t believe I thought you were being nice to me.” He chokes out a bitter laugh that sounds more like sob. “But no, it’s just one of Jared’s stupid jokes.”

Connor’s speechless. Has no clue what to say because this just makes no fucking sense at all.

Evan’s full-on hyperventilating now, taking these huge shuddering breaths. Connor’s kind of worried Evan might pass out on him if he doesn’t do something

“Evan hey, just breathe.”

“I’m sorry,” he gasps, finally making eye contact. “I-I have to, have to go.”

And then Evan runs out of the room because he’s definitely having a panic attack and he needs to get away.

Connor is just kind of standing there staring at the door, trying to figure out what the fuck just happened. Feels like shit because he was actually enjoying talking to Evan, but no somehow he managed to ruin it. 

It takes Connor a minute before he realises Evan still has his letter. He calls out after Evan but he’s long gone.

Then we switch to Heidi’s POV. She gets a phone call while at work from Evan’s therapist’s office saying he never showed up to his appointment after school.

Heidi never forgives herself for this after the fact, but her first reaction is to feel kind of annoyed. She knew Evan didn’t want to go to his session today when she booked it, but she was just trying to do the right thing because she knows Evan always struggles starting back at school. Plus therapy costs money, they don’t exactly give you a refund/cancellation fee for not showing up, and they just can’t afford to be paying for therapy sessions Evan isn’t even attending right now.

She is a little concerned though. It’s not the first time Evan’s skipped an appointment, but he usually only does it if he’s had a particularly bad panic attack that day. But she isn’t worried enough to leave work early, which kills her later. Heidi wonders if she had of gone straight home if she could’ve been there quick enough.

I don’t want to go into this in too much detail, but I’m thinking Evan ODs. The tree thing didn’t work out last time so he figures he better try something else. He feels bad that this definitely couldn’t be interpretted as an accident like his fall was, but he just... doesn’t care anymore.

And god, Heidi finds him when she gets home from work, and somehow her being a nurse makes it so much worse because she knows it’s too late. Of course she still tries everything she can, and she kind of dissociates into work mode so she can put some of her panic aside, but she knows.

But... I don’t really want to write that because it’s too sad even for me lol. So the scene will probably just end with Heidi coming home and getting a bad feeling when she calls out to Evan and he doesn’t reply. It’s not the most out of character thing, because Heidi’s assuming he must have had a really bad panic attack since he ditched therapy, so he’s probably exhausted and having a sleep. But when she goes to Evan’s room to check on him her heart stops.

The next couple of days Connor mirrors Evan in canon. He’s getting antsy that Evan stole his letter and now hasn’t been at school.

I haven’t quite worked out what Zoe’s role will be yet, so I’m not sure if she’ll act as Connor’s sole confidant (like Jared is for Evan) or not. It’d make sense since Jared is kind of taking Zoe’s place, but I just don’t think it will work given the current state of her and Connor’s relationship. Either way, whether he told Zoe or not, Connor is getting really paranoid about Evan/the letter.

It’s been 3 days now since Evan took his letter and he’s still not at school.

Jared’s been away too, but he’s back today and is acting really fucking weird. He’s wearing like... a plain hoodie or something which is very unlike Jared, and he just looks really exhausted and has none of his usual arrogance. Plus he keeps staring at Connor and giving him these weird looks.

Connor’s so stressed about this stupid letter that he’s contemplating asking Jared where the hell Evan is, but he’s seriously freaking Connor out right now.

Before Connor has a chance to make up his mind about whether he should try to talk to Jared, he gets called to the principal’s office. And so the lie begins lmao.

But god... the amount of extra angst of NOT going the kleinphy route and instead having Connor write bad things about Jared in the letter is just... pure evil genius if I do say so myself

Like, imagine Jared’s parents going to see Heidi and do whatever they can to be there for her and make sure she’s ok, and Jared kind of numbly getting ready to go with them, only for his parents to explain that Heidi doesn’t exactly want to see him right now because of what Evan wrote in his note... ouch.

And god that just makes Jared sick to his stomach because what the hell did Evan say about him? And once he gets to actually read the “note” himself he really is sick.

And since his family is obviously very close with Heidi it really puts a strain on Jared’s relationship with his parents too, because they’re clearly extremely disappointed in him for doing whatever it was that made Evan write THAT

Just the whole Kleinman/Hansen dynamic would be so complicated. (but it will be fun to write!)

And oh boy... remember the amount of horrific hate Zoe recieved when Alana posted Evan’s letter online? Connor’s letter outright says something along of the lines of Jared is a fucking asshole/why did I ever think we could possibly be friends/etc. I haven’t worked out the exact wording yet because getting the letter right is just... so critical to the fic lol, but yeah if it gets posted online? yikes.

So anyway, that’s the roleswap au. I’m still working out the more specific plot details of this one, but I think it’s got some alright potential. There’s going to be a lot of tension between Jared and Connor as Jared struggles to decide whether or not he believes Connor, and as Connor finds it increasingly difficult to lie to Jared. Hmm you know on second thought maybe a kleinphy subplot doesn’t sound so bad 🤔 but just more of a slowburn angle which doesn’t start until after Evan dies... much to think about hahaha

I like to think Jared works out the truth on his own eventually, which leads to a gfy-esque fight. And whilst Zoe might take on Jared’s role in a way, Alana will be pretty much the same as she is in canon. Because for her it was always more about the message of the project than the actual person.

[astroismypassion]

Hi I'm the June 17th birthday. I couldn't respond to your message on Kofi but I am totally fine with you putting my reading on your blog. Thank you for doing your best to work around the messages issue!

Hi!

Thank you for buying me this delicious hot beverage. I drank irish cream black coffee with rice milk while writing your interpretation. I hope you will enjoy reading it as much as I did writing! I listened to some old George Ezra while writing. ;)

Your dominant planets are: 1. Sun, 2. Jupiter and 3. Pluto. Your dominant signs are: 1. Scorpio, 2. Gemini and 3. Leo. Your main mode is Fixed. You are Water dominant.

FAMILY, SIBLINGS, EARLY LIFE

You have Aquarius IC. You had an unconventional, unique upbringing. Your 4th house is in Aquarius and Pisces. You like to play on your own. Or you created an imaginary world for yourself. Or you could have escaped through music, arts, TV series or film. You were sheltered from what was really going on around you. You might have a hard time establishing healthy boundaries with your family members. They seem to completely merge with you and rely on you emotionally or be completely cold and detached. There were many traditions and superstitions in your family that might have been passed down through generations. If you have any siblings, they are Capricorn, Aquarius or Pisces. In your elementary and high school years you might have been drawing a lot during classes you didn’t find stimulating. Or you daydream often. You were a mature and responsible student. You seemed a lot older than your peers. You might have viewed your schoolmates as weird sometimes, but they viewed you the same back. You might have often asked yourself if you’re the “weird one” or they are. You have Uranus in the 4th house. You may have changed residence or moved around often, even change schools. There were a lot of unpredictable, sudden changes and events in your early life that were hard to control (and to grasp). You have Sun square Moon. Your mother and father have different personalities and traits. They did not agree on the parenting style, how to raise you. They might have had different views. You have Sun conjunct Mercury. Your father emphasized the importance of communication or that you keep good relations with your siblings. This is also a writer’s placements! You can flatter or cut deep with words. You know how to appeal through words and find exactly the right words. You can sometimes think you “feel” words, because some words would be funny to you or have a “weird” sound to it. You might visualize a lot in your mind. Words, think in imagery and pictures and you have a strong, vivid imagination. You have Sun conjunct Mars. He probably met your open emotional expression with resistance.

PARTNERSHIPS AND FRIENDSHIPS Your friends are Pisces, Aries, Cancer, Sagittarius, Libra and Virgo. In your romantic relationships you attract Taurus, Gemini, Leo, Virgo and Aries. You have Taurus Venus in the 7th house. You desire, respect and value (also attract) stable, loyal, stubborn, highly opinionated people. Those who like to debate with you. People that have “go to” phrases and are polite, kind, have good manners. You might easily sense fragile egos, self esteem and weak points of other people. You have Gemini Mars in the 8th house. This is how you take action. How you approach your crush. You like to play mind games a bit, use a bit of world play and double entendre. You like to know everything about them and how their mind works. You wonder how they are thinking, what their thought process is. You like to have shared learning experiences with potential partners or dates where you go to an escape room or take a cooking class together and learn a new skill. You like to constantly evolve, expand and regenerate. You need a mental connection and great mental rapport to introduce physical intimacy into a relationship. You have Aries Moon in the 5th house. You have the potential of a serial dater. You need some passion, excitement and playful energy to get the connection started. But even in the early stages of your love affairs, you need a great deal of emotional comfort. You have to feel safe and secure around the person, like they are your family already. You know what you like and you might cut off people instantly when you notice red flags or just something that you don’t like. You know you can’t save people, so you understand the person needs to help themselves first. Otherwise, they would become another one of your problems. You have Venus sextile Jupiter. You might be very generous when you’re in love. You like to spoil your partner and take them out for dinner often. You might be over generous or over loving. With you money, time, affection, attention, praise and compliments. You have Venus square Uranus. You might like some odd, quirky, hard to figure of people. You are fascinated by those. You might have a long distance relationship at some point. Or you could date your friends or online date. You might even have a platonic connection with someone before it being romantic. You have Venus trine Neptune. You might idealize your partner or they do that to you. You might view them through rose tinted glasses. You are attracted to musicians, artists, singers, creators and people who play instruments.

CAREER, PROFESSIONAL LIFE, PUBLIC IMAGE

You have Pluto in the 2nd house. You fear poverty, homelessness and being hungry. You are very private when it comes to your financial matters. You don’t discuss it openly or ever. It’s a weird topic for you. Sometimes you fear it, it’s like you’re scared of what it can do. You are very passionate about gaining financial stability. Sometimes your dreams scare you or you might think “too big” or see just the bigger picture and forget to focus on the now as well. You have Sagittarius and Capricorn over your 2nd house. You might be over indulgent and flashy when you have money to spend. But with Capricorn there you also work hard for it. You have Leo MC. You might gain recognition for your accomplishments. You could also be attracted to film, theatre, drama, modelling. Or politics, governmental jobs, administration. Even publishing, media, public relations and public affairs. You could be a representative for a company. You might like to post on your social media. But you perfect your image, caption and you check for grammar errors. You like to be seen as creative, funny, healthy, bright and hard working. You have Virgo North Node in the 10th house. This indicates your life purpose. In this lifetime you are called to organise, to establish healthy boundaries with others, routine, daily habits. To take care of your daily duties, responsibilities, your health and even your pets if you have any. If you don’t. You’d benefit from owning a pet greatly, so that it calms down your Virgo mental restlessness. You could work in accounting, counselling, therapy, even health fields, such as nutrition, dietetics, nursing etc. You could be interested in physical and mental wellbeing. You could be into fitness and wellness. You might like communication, publishing, bookkeeping or even library work. You could use your keen eye for details. You have Leo and Virgo over your 10th house. You will shine and be in the spotlight, yet you’ll have to learn humility as well. Sometimes you might feel underappreciated or undervalued by authority figures, such as your parents, mentors, teachers, bosses. You might feel like you are putting much more effort in your responsibilities and work than you get credit for it. You have Aries and Taurus over the 6th house. This means you like a stable job, because it means stable income (Taurus in the 6th, Capricorn in the 2nd). But at some point in your life, you might desire to be your own boss, be self employed or become a businessperson, since it gives you the freedom of expression, expansion you value (Aries in the 6th house, Sagittarius in the 2nd house). You might even do something athletic or sporty daily or even as a part of your job! You have Cancer Mercury in the 8th house. You need to communicate a lot with your intimate partners. You like to think about your family, siblings, your home, your comforts and safety. You like talking about deep, occult and taboo topics. You might entertain the idea of conspiracy theories as well. You have an excellent memory. You can remember scents, colours, how people made you feel like no other. You have a long term memory. You have Mercury square Jupiter. Sometimes you might be a bit judgemental or be prone to overthinking and overanalyzing. You might also read between the lines. You have Mercury sextile Saturn. You have great power and focus to concentrate for long periods of time when you have a tunnel vision.

ADDITIONAL OBSERVATIONS

You have Pluto, Jupiter and Saturn currently transiting your 3rd house. You might spend more time alone and less with your friends, siblings and family members. You might have to work hard daily or commute to another city for work or just travel daily to a different part of the city. You might reevaluate and reconsider, rethink and transform your attitude to the local community, neighbourhood, city, to your siblings, peers, schoolmates. You might meet some new people, some new friends too, when Jupiter enters the scene since it’s a one and a half to two years long transit. You have Scorpio Chiron in the 1st house. You might not like your own name, or there is a visible spot, mark on your face, body that you don’t like. Or you could have been picked on by others for that. You might not like your physical appearance and you’re self conscious about it. You often nit pick it. At some point in life you might have had an identity crisis or just really doubted your personality, ego, self worth, character and traits. You might have been bullied or the power was taken away from you. You often felt powerless. Or scared of your own potential and power. You have Taurus Ceres in the 7th house. This represents how you wish to be nurtured and how you nurture others. You like to cook for them, buy them food, share meals with them and buy them little gifts. You like to listen to them. You might be a therapist for many. I’m sure you received compliments as “you’d be an excellent therapist”. You might empathize with them and really try to understand the other’s perspective and where they are coming from. You like to put yourself in others' shoes. You have Virgo Juno in the 11th house. This indicted your “ideal soulmate”, ideal partner, be it platonic or romantic. You like someone friendly, intelligent, who isn’t afraid to discuss social issues, society and question it all. You like someone who is clean, smells nice and grooms themselves. You like platonic, friendly connections at first. You need a lot of mental simulation. You have Libra Lilith in the 12th house. You might have been accused that you lack ambition. But you just don’t like competition that much or participation in the rat race. You value the inner core and being. You have rich inner workings. You have Leo Part of Fortune in the 9th house. This is where you experience good luck and charm. You might be praised for your views, beliefs, opinions on life. How you choose to constantly expand your horizons. You are at your happiest when you travel, even when you get lost in a good book, TV series or a foreign film. You like to constantly learn something new and you’ll be a life long student.

CHART RULER

Your chart ruler is Pluto. The chart ruler of the 1st house is in the 2nd house. Your ego is directly tied to your self worth, financial status, your talents. You might develop your personality, character, ego, self esteem through 2nd house topics, such as working on your talents and pursuing new skills, earning money and becoming financially independent, self care and developing your own set of values.

HOUSE RULERS

The house ruler of the 1st house is in the 2nd house. The way you look depends on your self-esteem. Life is oriented to discovering personal values and creating self-esteem. Appearance is a source of security issues. The house ruler of the 2nd house is in the 5th house. You use your money for artistic projects. You are possessive of creative projects. Financial security depends upon your personal creativity. The house ruler of the 3rd house is in the 6th house. Daily conversation revolves around work and health. Your mind is oriented to daily life. Thoughts are oriented to daily routine and work. You are curious about diet and nutrition. You have an efficient mind. You take information and organize it. You have an actively curious mind. The house ruler of the 4th house is in the 4th house. You want a home of your own. Private time is spent with family. Home and family bring up strong core feelings, for better or worse. You want a family for the sake of having a family. The house ruler of the 5th house is in the 3rd house. Creative talents and gifts are hidden. Hobbies revolve around the taboo or occult. The house ruler of the 6th house is in the 8th house. The daily work environment must serve your need to form deep relationships. You use your knowledge of diet, nutrition and exercise to help other people transform. You want an intense work environment. The house ruler of the 7th house is in the 7th house. The partner needs to be willing negotiate and cooperate with you. Marriage partners are business partners, business partners are marriage partners. You want to be with someone who is cooperative. You want a partner who is a good negotiator. The house ruler of the 8th house is in the 8th house. You enter sexual relationships for sex. You get emotionally entangled with other people to form deep connections. Your attitude to life and death affects your ability to deeply connect with other people. The house ruler of the 9th house is in the 5th house. You are philosophical about the way you raise children. You find meaning through the creative arts. You like to take romantic getaways. You enjoy the artistic expression of other cultures. Traveling is for leisure and pleasure. The house ruler of the 10th house is in the 8th house. You bring a professional approach to depth psychology. You find your true vocation by exploring occult subjects. Your career revolves around the need for intensity of experience. Your career involves working with other people’s emotional baggage. Your true vocation involves depth interactions with other people. You achieve recognition as a researcher. You receive awards for your work with people on the fringe of society. The house ruler of the 11th house is in the 8th house. You associate with people who are involved in the occult. Your friends have emotional baggage. You keep your group involvements hidden. You don’t talk about your long term hopes and wishes. The house ruler of the 12th house is in the 7th house. Your partner desires to escape from reality as much as you do. You lose your boundaries when it comes to significant relationships. Your grief and sorrow affect your relationships. The desire to escape reality affects your ability to maintain a serious relationship.

[throwing-summers-at-the-walls]

Hi, i hope you are feeling good! Im better than yesterday so i can finally answer you. First of all: i am so happy that you shared your fanfiction! i had a great time reading it! Im always open for more recs. Maybe your all time favorites? Or if you know some good h/c these are always welcome :) And YESSS please send me a link to your fanvids. -- yeah 13rw was super cursed. haha i also watched season 1 but thankfully i was able to sto watching becaue i could feel it making me feel bad (1)

I agree the suicide scene was just cringe (but i think i remember reading somewhere that they cut it out? idk) and overall this show just gave me the feeling that there was no hope and things are always getting worse instead of better and i hated that. but enough of that cursed show. can i just say i really admire how open you are about your feelings (like being suicidal and that) i realy, really admire this about you. i have so much respect for you that you can just share your feelings here (2)

I have never heard of ace attorney but that story you described sounds really good. and i get reading sth that isnt good for you and still doing it (because im a dumb bitch too :D) -- okay i might accept that Root will never grow on you (but i thought so too and look at me now :D) but i havent fully given up yet :)-- yes thats the girl. i think it was really sweet when she said that to Shaw. and i think Shaw appreciated it that someone tried to figure her out instead of just writting her off (3)

Shaw is really cool and definately also a badass and in combination with John its just great! but you will have to suffer trough some Shoot.  but maybe, maybe you will end up not hating Root. hope dies last (idk how the saying goes in english, sorry). -- Did you ever ship Caresse (in a romantic way)? cause sometimes i do and sometimes i dont and i get so confused about it :) but i think most of the time i like them more as friends. anyway her death really sucked and you are right with (4)

her death and them losing the library it felt like a different show (i mean i guess it was a different show then). i kinda get your feelings about the destroyed library because i also really loved it (and im really bad with change) but i dont think it affected me as much as you. but yeah i still missed the library very much. and while the subway is a really cool new place its not the same. (also the subway is super dark cause its underground and idk it just makes the whole thing less homey) (5)

Yes he is everything! such a great, interesting character and i wish there were more John-centric episodes! (like ones that explored his character more). that was one of my biggest dislikes of the later seasons that John wasnt featured as much anymore. i think he chuckled a few times in the show but a real laugh? i cant remember one :(  -- He did promise Joss to talk to Tyler so @show were is that talk? -- if seen the vid its awesome! thehiddenmemory has some great poi vids! (6)

yes i think so too. Like Grace would probably be relived and thankful that Harold is still alive and maybe they would even try again but eventually she would figure out that she cant trust him after lying to him for so long or sth like that and Harold would ofc realize that he is in love with someone else now. And then he finds out that John is still alive but stayed away cause he didnt want to get in the way of Harold/Grace. But then Harold comes back. And when they meet again John is like (7)

you came back for the machine? what about Grace. But Harold tells him he came back for John not the machine and then they kiss and have a happy live with Bear (sorry i got a little carried away here :D). -- Yeah Zoe is really hot and she needed more screen time! -- i hope you have a good day and i hope i havent messed up the numbers on the asks! :)

Hi ! I'm finally free from the resits, I hope you're doing okay with your thesis 💛

Sorry for replying late, there was the exam resits, and I read a bunch of fics, then I fell into pokémon and started bingewatching it. (Also I had a breakdown during therapy today so I'm gonna finish writing my answer to distract myself - it's been sitting in my drafts for so long rip)

Thank you !! It was a very personal thing, I'm really happy you liked it !! Your support and your comment made me thrive 💛💛

Tbh I was surprised to see it get kudos given that the only intended audience was my self projecting ass 🤣

So, my fav fics (my fav fic ever is in French, rip to y'all bc it's so good):

I am, I am, I am by RavenWhitecastle

Actually check the entire series this work belongs to: The Sinner and the Saint. I haven't finished it yet but I love it (I just skipped the explicit fics bc I don't like smut or sub!John)

Breaking All The Rules by talkingtothesky

Outsider Perspective by Neery

A Really Private Person by astolat

Hamartia (the hero's fatal flaw) by astolat

If Only for Tonight by spacemutineer

From Here, Where? by AKMars

Stroll by TheaNishimori

and the world was gone by lunarcorvid

a light that never goes out by vindicatedtruth

Limitations. by Michaelssw0rd

Reel you in and spit you out by Michaelssw0rd

All I Want For Christmas Is You by richmahogany

By What Power I Am Made Bold by brinnanza

Aftershocks by darringtons

At Certain Hours It All Breaks Down by nogoaway

construction of a kingdom by the_ragnarok

You Take Me Higher Than I've Gone by talkingtothesky

All Together Now by beadedslipper

I'll Let the Waters Still by brinnanza

Birthday Tradition by talkingtothesky

Things My Father Taught Me by KRyn

Truth is in the Eye of the Beholder by infiniteeight

Better Luck This Time by Lisztful

Motivations by JenNova

What's On the Table by cortue

In Another Life by Della19

I Thought We Already Were by talkingtothesky

Misunderstandings by thisstarvingartist

This is already fucking long omg so for the h/c: my bookmarks filtered with Rinch and h/c

Here's my playlist, it's mostly Rinch, but there are a few not Rinch vids, plus some scenes I like

This is long enough already, so it's time for a read more. Also, warning, we be talking about suicide

The portrayal of suicide is cringe most of the time anyway. If my suicidal ass can find a list of suicide methods and their lethality in 2 mins on Google you'd think writers who are supposed to do some research would be able to find them too but no they're like "ah yes slicing wrists" even though it's literally the shittiest method 🙄 (I just don't understand why slicing wrists seems to be such a popular method in the collective imagination ? It's weird.) At least in 13rw she took aspirin and cut herself vertically instead of horizontally but still, no hesitation wounds, and she dies even though she only got 4 wounds iirc ? I know more about jumping off bridges than slicing wrists, but it kinda sounds like bullshit to me. Also Netflix once suggested "beyond the reasons" to me, it's a sort of discussion with the cast and crew of 13rw and the only thing I remember is a moment of intellectual masturbation abt how they "opened a discussion abt suicide" 😬😬😬

They may have cut it out it's not impossible, idk I didn't hear about it, but it's not like I look for info about this dumpster fire lol. Maybe they faced backlash ? Wouldn't be surprised given how shit the show was. And yeah it has a hopeless vibe, I mean that's how it be when you're suicidal, but I didn't like it either.

You're sweet 💜💜 it's interesting that you find it respectable or admirable, I don't have an external point of view, so I'm just like 🤷 it is what it is. I understand where you're coming from though, I guess it's still quite a taboo subject, and suicidal people don't always feel comfortable talking about it, so me throwing around that I jumped off a bridge must be surprising. I'm detached enough from my suicide attempt that I'm able to talk about it without much of a problem, and I'm not really suicidal anymore.

Dumb bitches unite 👏👏👏 we be out there reading shit we shouldn't read

Yeah I think it's nice how the show didn't portray Shaw as a bad person for not having "normal feelings". Well, hope makes one live as we say in French (idk the English saying either lol) but don't hold much hope about me liking Root lmao

I used to ship careese bc they kissed in the crossing, but then I read some Rinch fics and I just ended up falling into it to the point where I stopped caring about careese. Now I think their relationship works better as a friendship.

Yeah all that change really puts me off... It just gives me "bad spin-off" vibes. Especially since there is less John :( and less Rinch :((((

Lmao yeah I just have a lot of feelings about early poi hgkfglrk. Also :/ I'm sad about the subway being less homey pls I just want happiness ?? I swear this show destroys my heart on top of owning my last braincell (brb changing my blog title to this lmao)

Mood I need all the John-centric eps, give me m o r e characterization and development and backstory and feelings hhhhhhh. I love him so much I just wanna spend more time with him. And that's what fics are for ! Yeah thehiddenmemory is so talented ! Astolat made some good ones too, on top of writing really good fics ! (Our fandom has been blessed with the presence of one of the ao3 founders hell yeah)

Also, remember how we talked abt the poi subreddit ? The other day I left a comment on there, wild I know. It wasn't a discussion about the last seasons though, I'm not crazy, it was about the impact poi had in our lives so I said it literally taught me English. Who knows maybe sometimes I'll comment again lol. I just don't wanna meet one of those people who prefer late poi over early poi.

Allow me to uuuuh write something based on what you said. Don't ask me how John survived with no major injuries, my man got that Thick Plot Armor alright. Hope you appreciate me getting carried away sjdkdksk it's kinda rushed and the first part isn't that good bc idk how to write Grace I'm just here for that sweet sweet Rinch stuff

Harold is eating breakfast with Grace in her kitchen – he can't think of her home as his home – when his phone vibrates. It's a text from the machine. It's a surprise, she barely contacted him since... He blocks the thoughts and the images coming to his mind. The machine sent him a picture. When he opens it, his heart misses a beat. Right here on his screen is a silhouette he thought he would never see again. His phone vibrates again. Another picture, this time it's unmistakably John, wearing his signature suit, Bear next to him. Transfixed, he stares at his phone until he feels Grace gently touching his arm. She goes straight to the point.

"Is it John ?" He looks up in confusion, but before he can say anything, she adds, "I hear you call him in your sleep every night."

"It's him, yes." He doesn't want to explain. He only wants to see John, to touch him, to tell him how much he loves him.

"You should go back to him. I like you, Harold. I am deeply relieved to see you alive. But I've been thinking, and... It's not working. This, us... You aren't really the man I fell in love with, the man I grieved... I can't trust you anymore." She doesn't say 'You lied to me' but Harold hears it all the same.

~

Harold sits on their bench. The machine indicated John often comes here. Soon enough, his arms are full of Bear, and John is standing in front of him.

"John. How are you ?" he asks when Bear finally calms down.

"Busy. And you ?"

Harold eyes him suspiciously – John once said he was busy when he was bleeding and way too close to death – but he seems to be well.

"I'm fine." He doesn't have time for awkward small talk." I thought you were dead. Why didn't you contact me ?"

"The machine told me you were with Grace. I thought you wanted to come back to your previous life. I didn't want to crash into it and ruin what you had."

Harold wants to be angry at him, but he understands. He did the same with Grace.

"You would never ruin anything. Besides, my relationship with Grace... didn't survive my lies. She's very dear to my heart, but she's a part of my previous life, as you said."

"So you came back for the machine, and the numbers, like the good old times ?"

Harold gets up from the bench.

"I came back for you. You are an important part of my life. The most important part."

John smiles, finally. He takes a step towards Harold, they're so close they could kiss. Harold reaches out, grips his shirt and slowly inches closer. He's still afraid of being rejected but John wraps his arm around him and kisses him. The kiss is over too soon. John's smile is even wider when they part.

"You're the most important part of my life too," he says before kissing Harold again. "You will stay ?"

"Always."

Damn I live for sappy Rinch stuff.

Bitches decided that Harold saying "always" is peak Rinch. It's me I'm bitches.

Also ofc I had to make a reference to number crunch, who do you think I am

Anyway. I hope you have a good day ! 💛

[likehandlingroses]

for the commentary thing, the Christmas gift giving part of Enter Ellis ch. 5? i can never get enough of it it makes me cry ✌

Thank you! <3 I’m so glad you like that scene. 

“You first,” he said, hoping Richard didn’t question his enthusiasm. It was routine for most people, he supposed—giving and receiving gifts on Christmas. Just another thing he’d assumed he couldn’t ever understand. Not because he didn’t want to, but because there was a cog missing, a piece that he needed to set things in motion: people who wanted something from him that they were willing to return. 

A simple thing, really, but he hadn’t had it until now, and he intended to enjoy it all the more for finding it at such a late hour.

So this whole sequence is loosely inspired by a post I saw referencing a Downton Abbey guidebook (I think one of the Jessica Fellowes ones) that made some comment about Thomas buying himself gifts to open when everyone else did on Christmas...which of course, made me lose my mind (note: I have never read this passage, cannot confirm its tone/intent or whether it even exists, but the thought of it broke me). So I needed to give him a chance to give and receive a real gift!!

Richard grinned at the excitement in his voice, and he didn’t argue the ordering of things. He handled the unwrapping with care—his hands still trembled, went right when he wanted them left—but he managed it without too much trouble. He lifted the lid of the small rectangular box, revealing the dark blue pair of gloves inside. 

I read after I had written this that in some places/in some contexts it is considered Bad Luck to give gloves as gifts, but I think my research concluded that it’s okay as long as the other person gives a gift in return so! We are good, no bad luck here :p 

Thomas searched his face hungrily as Richard took one from the box, but for the moment his expression was inscrutable. 

“No buttons…” Richard murmured, slipping it on as easily as the man in the shop had promised he would. They made all sorts since the war, he’d told Thomas, after so many men came back with shaking hands, with stiff or missing fingers.

It was a funny thing, really—Thomas had struggled with his own gloves for eight years, never thinking anything of it. Now he had a pair of his own upstairs—chestnut brown, he could pull them on in his sleep. 

This was the thing that really pushed me to pick this gift--because Thomas also has an injury that should (in theory) make a lot of things difficult. And so as he recognizes Richard’s own struggles with fiddly things, and goes, “I need to fix that,” it inevitably leads to him finding a solution to a problem he was just Ignoring in himself. And that’s one of the themes of this chapter, that they help each other through their own blindspots. 

“They go on easier,” Thomas explained, as Richard reached for the second one and slipped it on, studying the effect. “But they’re still sharp, I think.”

“They are, very.” Richard’s voice shook. “Thank you, Thomas.”

Thomas doesn’t just want the gift to be utilitarian--he wants to give Richard something that looks nice, something he’ll want to wear. And he gets Richard’s taste right, which to him is equally as important because what’s the point if Richard doesn’t want to wear them? 

He pulled them off and folded them carefully back into the box before closing the lid again. Only then did he fix Thomas with a wide smile. 

Richard in this chapter is more closed-off than in others, so pointing out those deliberate moments where he’s trying to compose himself was how to convey what he’s really feeling. 

“Now it’s your turn,” he said, pushing the present towards him—a parcel that looked suspiciously like a book (though not nearly so thick as the novel Baxter had gotten him). 

But the leather bound book inside had no title, and Thomas looked at Richard, puzzled. 

“Open it,” he pressed, his face the picture of anticipation. 

Thomas would have been so happy to get a second book, and I think there’s a sweetness in him immediately assuming he’s going to get Another of the thing Baxter already gave him...there’s something comforting about your friends/family knowing you enough to all circle in on the same thing. I think Thomas would love that, in a way. But of course Richard has something even better planned...

The book was filled with drawings—and it didn’t take more than flipping through the first few pages for Thomas to realize what they were drawings of. 

They were his stories—the stories he’d brought to tea, on visits to York on his day off. Stories he remembered telling, and stories he didn’t. 

The faces were indistinct, often hidden, but every other detail rang true. Soldiers playing cards in the library in a drawing with note reading, “Downton Becomes A Convalescent Home, 1917.”  A cricket match played on the Downton field (“A Game Well Played, 1920”). A dark-haired man sitting at a table with a little girl on his lap, a book laid out in front of them (“Tea With Mr. Barrow, 1924”). 

It occurred to me while reading this again that I never say whether they are colored drawings or not--bad!! But it’s weirdly fitting, in a way, that everyone reading has the liberty to imagine the colors (or lack thereof) in a different way, to see them a little differently. Because the artist/Richard also made the effort to put a haze over things, so the details that Thomas knows better than Richard can be filled in. 

Something about seeing his name made Thomas stop turning the pages, his breath halting in his chest. 

“How did you…?” 

“I didn’t do them, of course,” Richard said, misunderstanding the question, but supplying a much needed answer nonetheless (last Thomas had seen, he still took his time writing a short letter). “Asked a friend to do up the pictures. Someone like us, in York.”

It doesn’t matter to anyone but me, but I did imagine the artist as Chris. 

“But you...you told him all of it, you knew how to show him…”

He’d listened. He’d understood. He’d seen it, all of it. 

Thomas closed the book, unsure of how to begin to thank him.

Richard’s gift, for me, had to be a complement to Thomas’s, but also distinct. It had to be the same in that it showed understanding and helped Richard as well...but it also is less practical than Thomas’s, more about an idea. And that’s based a lot on the gift he gives Thomas in the canon, which is really a symbol and something that is supposed to “remind” Thomas of him. 

“Sometimes men like us...life feels like it passes without touching us,” Richard said, his voice filling the silence perfectly. “But it does. It has.”

He includes himself in the statement, and that sense of partnership is also a part of the gift. He understands those feelings, he relates to them. 

Thomas blinked back the tears that had come to his eyes. 

“And I got you gloves…”

(He says this but I think he knows in his heart of hearts that he’s done well--but at the same time he isn’t sure, because he doesn’t give a lot of gifts! But his instincts, of course, were right on). 

Richard shook his head. “You gave me what I gave you. It comes to the same thing.” 

“What’s that?”

“Seeing what someone needs, and offering it to them right-out.” Richard leaned towards him as he spoke, ever so slightly. Thomas wondered if he noticed. “That’s all a gift is.”

Thomas smiled. “You make it sound so daring.”

There is something daring in gift-giving! It can be stressful or overwhelming because Richard is right--it’s a statement to the other person about what you think they need/want, and that’s A Lot to say to someone. Especially if you are like Thomas (who might, in this situation, be a little like me), and that is just Too Much Information for someone to have on you...

“Life has to be, sometimes,” Richard said with a grin. “Else we won’t feel it.”

This is a line I’m still really happy with. There’s a cut scene from Season 5 where Baxter tells Thomas that the therapy he is doing is more likely to make him feel “nothing at all,” and she presses him as to whether that’s what he wants. I think on some level, that was true. So this is the moment where Thomas really pulls away from that retreat, from that desire for dullness. And he recognizes the value in feeling even negative/scary feelings!

And he gets a kiss!!

He was closer than ever, and a shared glance towards the doorway of the servants’ hall was all the prompting Thomas needed to find a little more daring of his own.

Another little movie parallel with the look over to the doorway--hopefully they weren’t interrupted so quickly, though! <3 

[wordstrings]

Of Maintenance Part 2: Physical Therapy

Written and submitted by @ask-flip-frost​; a sequel to Of Maintenance. (Publisher’s notes can be found at the end of the work.) Words: 4,300

Things were changing. Whether they were more spooky or less spooky with the developing knowledge was difficult to say, though. Several everyday phenomena which Sam and Dean had taken to be the result of Castiel’s telekinetic abilities had been debunked as something far more simple. In the week since his medicinal bath, the grace-touch Cas had granted to the Winchester’s eyes had not faded out. His wings were still visible to them. As such, they began to notice all manner of peculiar things.

For starters, Castiel was not nearly as statuesque as they’d always perceived him to be. Even if the rest of his body seemed to be standing perfectly still, his wings gave away that he was, in fact, constantly fidgeting. Often it was only a gentle twitch or sway, but other times it would be the sort of swift flap one might see from a bird debating its position on a branch as the angel settled onto the living area’s couch. The first time that happened had scared the hell out of Dean and he’d fallen onto the floor with a loud curse. Out of courtesy, the brothers would give a wider berth now to accommodate the limbs, though the wings would always shift themselves to or fro as needed regardless as they always had ‘behind the scenes’.

“I am beginning to understand why Humans are uncomfortable with long stares.” Castiel commented as he picked a lore book from a high shelf in a pincer motion with the alula of either wing.

Dean started in place. He hadn’t realized that he’d been staring again. He grunted quietly and went back to fake-reading for a case. Well, ‘case’ in the sense that it wasn’t really their sort of thing, but they were bored out of their minds. Idle hands being tools of the devil, he could definitely understand how so many bad decisions came in moments where a person was left with nothing to drown out melancholy thoughts. Might as well research old serial killers and have debates on whether or not they were supernaturally inclined.

“I always thought you did that with your brain, I dunno. Some floaty angel shit.” Dean shrugged, dropping both the pretense and his book “Still getting used to it.”

“I use my brain to move my wings.” Castiel rolled his eyes, thumbing through his volume. “I could lift something by altering the molecular structure of the air around it, but it seems like wasted effort.”

With Cas’ attention divided by reading, the elder Winchester felt as if he could chance another appraising look at the wings. This time, he was moreso checking on their healing progress. Any time he’d gotten close enough to attempt to give them a once-over, they’d folded up protectively against the angel’s back. The skin certainly seemed healthier. Feathers were coming in nicely. A marked rise in Castiel’s mood might have been linked to their recovery.

“Dean.” Cas admonished.

“What?”

Cas turned to face him straight on, irritated as fully as a woman who didn’t want someone ogling her legs. He closed the distance and waited until Dean met his eyes. It took more than a few seconds.

“Alright, I get it, I get it. I wouldn’t have to be so damn sneaky about it if you’d let us actually check them. We said we wanted to help, and you promised you’d let us.” Dean fussed. “It’s been a week, and all you’re doing is just… misting them like house plants with that oil stuff. I wanted to make sure they’re getting better. Sue me.”

“…Oh,”

“Whaddaya mean oh?”

All this time, Castiel had felt that he was being viewed as somewhat of a side-show. The extra space given, the hidden peeks, and the badgering about keeping up on moisturizing the damaged skin had been giving him mixed signals on whether or not he was being treated as… well, he wasn’t sure. But he didn’t like it. He dropped his eyes, embarrassed.

“I misunderstood the reason for your leering.” Cas admitted quietly.

“Leering? Who’s leering?” Dean demanded, slapping the table to get full attention when Cas glanced away. “No, you look at me. If you think for a minute that we’re just gawking for the sake of seeing something weird, then you really need to get your head out of your ass, Cas. We stare because we care.”

That didn’t sound creepy. Ah, shit, he’d rhymed as well.

Castiel gave a begrudged nod. While he didn’t particularly care for being scolded like a child, he would be remiss to ignore the small flutter of importance that had bloomed in his chest from it. Something he’d perceived to be bordering on hateful was actually just the Winchesters’ way of looking after him without being obvious about it.

Feeling that his point had been made, Dean pushed up from the table and pointed an accusing finger as he backed out of the library.

“Alright. I’m going to pick Sammy up and grab some grub. When I get back, you’re getting a full check-up. No buts.”

If Castiel had been properly miffed, it would have been as easy as leaving before Dean returned to avoid further possibility of ridicule. But he stayed. Heaven help him, he stayed.

–

When the door to the bunker swung open by way of an aggressive hip, Castiel looked up briefly from his book and gave both Winchesters an expression of acknowledgement. Sam had been out all day, but where he had no idea. Both Sam and Dean had their arms full of takeout and grocery bags, though it seemed unlikely that the younger brother had been shopping for the last seven hours.

Behind Cas, there was some sort of structured movement going on. It reminded Sam of some upper body calisthenics demonstrated in a documentary about Victorian housewives he’d watched in college; the kind of exercise that only worked a set group of muscles, as was appropriate for ladies at the time. Not that he’d say that out loud. It looked a bit silly, though.

“The hell are you doing?” Dean asked bluntly.

“Stretching.” Cas didn’t look up a second time.

“Are you sore?” Sam prompted.

“No more than usual.” the angel replied with a sigh.

“How usual is usual?” Sam pressed on.

Castiel closed his book and deposited it on a table.

“Your legs are long.” Cas stated, waiting for Sam to agree to this observation before continuing. “If you are in a car for a long period of time, they become cramped, correct? Imagine if you were over one thousand feet tall, and compressed to a vessel that does not even clear six feet. Sometimes it helps to stretch, if only a little.”

It was easy to forget how big Castiel was supposed to be in a natural state when he was forever looking up at them. They understood how dangerous it would be for the angel to leave the vessel empty for any amount of time, so taking a break somewhere to fully unleash himself was unlikely to work out well.

“Okay, well-“ Sam yanked Dean’s shirt to prevent him waltzing away from putting groceries up. “We’ve been thinking about that a little, actually. Dean’s been calling physical therapy clinics in the area to get advice on what we can do to make things better for you.”

“Sneaking.” Dean interjected.

“-And I went to the vet clinic to volunteer with a bird rehabilitation group today. So I think we’ll have a better idea on how to handle helping you along.” Sam continued. “Got a few things we can try, but we’ll see how it goes and kind of play it by ear.”

At a loss for words, Castiel blinked and looked from one brother to the other. His don’t bother worrying about me, I am not worth it train of thought was solidly arguing with his I am deeply humbled and thankful to be cared about train of thought.

“The therapists all told us to check range of motion and try to balance resistance exercises and stretches with massages to release tension in the muscles.” Dean explained, slapping Cas on the shoulder. “Who’s a lucky duck?”

Cas pulled a grumpled expression as Dean turned back to stack cans of sloppy joe sauce in the cabinet.

“I am not a duck.” he huffed.

“Ya might as well be. That’s all Sammy’s been practicing on all day.” Dean laughed. “You’ll be the first on his client list not to peck at him. Or maybe you will, I dunno. You were pretty twitchy last time we had hands on you, so~”

Eyes to the ceiling, Castiel asked his Father for whatever strength he needed not to stuff Dean into a garbage can. He was thankful that the teasing was not further pursued while the remaining groceries were sorted. The time was spent going over what each brother had learned in their separate endeavors. He learned that Sam had been followed by an entire flock of some forty-odd ducks when it was time for him to leave, and that Dean had been given love letters by three old women and one old man after a day of working in senior physical therapy earlier in the week. As a point of pride, he’d kept all of them like trophies.

“Here, these are for you.” Sam tugged a pack of jersey knit pajama pants out of the last bag and passed them over to Cas. “So you don’t have to borrow any. Go ahead and change. There’s a shirt, too, but we need it off for now so we can see what we’re doing.”

Castiel ran his hand over the plastic with a quiet thank you. It crinkled softly in his fingers. Technically speaking, he didn’t own a single article of clothing besides what was already on his person. Any that he’d worn during his period as a human had been discarded as a means to bury the memory of his many struggles. Those clothes had all been second-hand anyway, though. These were new, expressly for him. A touching gesture to say the least.

This time, he didn’t feel nearly as self-conscious changing out of his normal attire. For a long moment, he fiddled with the drawstrings of his trousers to ensure that they were perfectly fit before tying a messy knot. Something which looked only sort of like a bow, but it was good enough. Learning to tie his shoes during his humanity stint had been quite a journey, but a small child who’d wandered off from her mother in the mall had been kind enough to show him as best she could manage. The things you needed to know as an ‘adult’ were hardly ever clear until you were in the moment, he’d come to find.

When Cas returned, he saw that a table in the library had been fixed up with lots of folded blankets to create a padded surface. Not strictly necessary, but it was nice to see all the same. A groaning sigh dramatic enough to rival a Kansas twister whooshed from his lungs in pure disapproval as Dean sauntered in wearing a lab coat, carrying a clip board.

“What?” Dean scoffed. “Too much?”

“YEAH.” came the unison reply.

“Fine. Buncha killjoys.” Dean muttered, shrugging out of the coat and tossing it in a rumpled pile on a chair. “Up on the table, big guy. Stretch out the wings as far as they’ll go side to side. Don’t let them droop if you can help it. We need to see if any of your muscles have atrophied.”

One foot pressed to a chair, Castiel pushed up on the table and settled into a comfortable sitting position, legs dangled somewhat stiffly over the side. A few small pops worked in the joints as he slowly reached his wings out in a wide t-shape. He wasn’t all together sure if that was a problem in the vessel’s shoulders or in his actual wings. Later he would run a checklist of all of the organic components which didn’t strictly belong to him. Well. They did now, he supposed.

“Try making circles, then go up and down.” Sam frowned at the noise, flipping through a little field guide he’d been given that day. “Does it hurt?”

“No,” Cas shook his head, complying with the request easily. “It’s a relief. Everything has felt a little-“

“Flabby?” Dean supplied brightly. “Since you haven’t been able to go out for a sky spin in forever?”

If looks could kill.

“…tight. I have been exercising them, but the stiffness remains.” Cas grumbled. “My wing muscles are not flabby.”

“Touched a nerve on that one.” Dean huffed under his breath, eyebrows jumped up.

Quick to diffuse, Sam cleared his throat.

“You need recovery days to let muscles rest. Even if you’ve never needed them before, you’ve also never really been in a vessel for this long, right? Celestial energy verses physically shrunk down has got to have differences in how your wings react to things, especially after trauma. You said it feels cramped and tight, so let’s work from there. I’ll apply pressure. Try to keep from lowering your wings.” Sam advised, taking up a position behind the brooding angel.

Slowly he pushed down, little by little adding more force. The wings didn’t move an inch. They were warm and solid. A far cry less ashy-looking than the last time he’d touched them as well. Resistance didn’t seem to be a problem. There was no tremble of fatigue, but the muscles were heavily bunched.

“Not flabby.” Sam confirmed, noting with amusement how Cas’ feathers puffed a little in pride.

“See?” Cas sniffed in a superior tone.

“Got it.” Dean rolled his eyes.

“It was easy.” Cas added.

“I got it.” Dean repeated.

“Like they were baby hands.”

“Got it, Cas. Not flabby.”

Sam looked down at his giant paws and mouthed baby hands before reaching into a small box on the table. He began carefully laying out a collection of wires and pads. When he caught Castiel looking curiously over his shoulder, he held up the box to show a picture. The edges of the cardboard were slightly dog-eared from age, but the contents had been kept in pristine condition.

“TENS unit,” Sam explained. “I do long distance runs, and sometimes when my muscles get overworked, this helps kill off the pain and kind of forces them to relax after you use it. It stimulates your nerves with electricity pulses.”

When he was met with a wary expression, Sam rolled up his own sleeve and stuck two of the leads to his forearm. He fiddled with the settings and clicked the machine to life. Small twitches in his muscles were apparent.

“See? It’s fine. Doesn’t hurt. It’s weird, but DeanDeanDeanDON’T- AH!”

Unable to help himself, Dean plucked up the unit and cranked the dial WAY up, chuckling deeply as Sam’s arm convulsed into weird positons.

“This thing is WILD, Cas. We used to play a drinking game with these where you try to balance a ping pong ball on a spoon while it’s buzzing you, and if you dropped it, you had to take a shot.” Dean smirked, shutting the machine off, to Sam’s relief. “So just so you’re prepared, if it jerks you around a little, it’s fine. Doesn’t hurt, there are just places it isn’t safe to go, like around your heart. If Sammy can take it, you can take it. If it gets too sore, let us know and we’ll shut it down. Sound good?”

Cas nodded, actually a little relieved at the show of absurdity. It made him feel less like a specimen. There were no further protests as Sam began attaching leads to the meatiest sections of his wings and one on each shoulder blade at the joint. Anywhere where the knots were especially tight. The stickiness of the pads felt strange, but not particularly uncomfortable.

“You good?” Dean asked.

“Yes,” the angel replied, bracing his hands on the edge of the table.

“I figure we’ll let this run for a little while, then we’ll massage out the rest of those tense spots manually. You can go for a soak after. It’ll be a good day.” Dean promised.

“I’ll go get some of the leftover oil.” Sam offered. “Unless you already got some lotion or something for today?”

Dean thought to the small bottle of Jergens in his room… in a box… with his questionable reading material. The only lotion he owned.

“Nope,” the older Winchester lied.

“Right. Uh. Hang on, I’ll be right back.”

The last thing Dean wanted was to endure something overly floral for this very manly process, so he turned to follow at his brother’s heels to micromanage the scent choices.

“Dean-“ Castiel interrupted his departure. “I’m sorry.”

“…For what?” Dean squinted.

“Earlier today. I thought… I thought you were being condescending. I’m sorry for being upset.”

Dean’s face went a little slack with guilt. Cas shouldn’t have to apologize for feeling upset. He spent so much of his time self-loathing already. All members of Team Free Will had a certain lack of communication skills when it came to sensitive topics, and Dean wasn’t exactly the most emotionally mature person when his pride was stinging.

“Yeah, well. Forget it, okay? I wasn’t exactly being up front about stuff.” Dean shrugged, looking for immediate escape from a dissection of character. “Be right back. Stay put.”

Now, the wisest course of action would have been for Castiel to wait patiently for the brothers to return, but frankly, he wanted to know what he was in for so that he would be able to adjust his reactions accordingly. If he could anticipate the jolts, then perhaps he could work against them to avoid looking quite as ridiculous as Sam had. Blue eyes kept sliding from the TENS unit to the door and back again. The oils were kept in the recovery room with all of the tubs, so he’d have at least two or three minutes to himself. Sam and Dean were strollers if there wasn’t a need for hurry. Ever so slowly, he reached out and closed a hand over the little machine.

–

“What’s wrong with lavender?” Sam groaned.

“It stinks, Sam. Use the sandalwood.”

“THAT stinks!”

“Bitch.”

“Jerk.”

After much grumbling, they finally decided on eucalyptus, if only because Cas had mentioned that he’d liked the scent previously. This was about him after all. Before starting back to the library, they begrudgingly claimed a truce to avoid making the angel any more uncomfortable with sibling bickering. That was when both brothers were startled by flickering lights.

“Cas.” Dean stated, breaking into a run.

The door banged open.

Down on the floor, curled into a twitching ball against the table, was Castiel… doing something they’d only witnessed once before. The poor fellow was laughing, deep and rich and panicked. There was something else mixed with the sound; something almost musical and very, very strange. It made the humans go slightly cross-eyed for a second. They rubbed their faces hard to correct this. At least their ears weren’t screaming in pain.

“OFF!” Cas choked out.

Electricity was buzzing straight through his muscles down into his very grace. It wasn’t only that the unit gave off a tingling pulse over various sensitive points in his wings and shoulders. That would have been bad enough, especially the patches jolting into his wing pits. No, this was something altogether unbearable. Castiel hadn’t even been aware that his very essence of being was capable of falling subject to these sorts of sensations, but save him it tickled and tickled and tickled relentlessly. The entire world was blurred at the edges and all he knew was a crazed swirling of mirth and chaos exploding through his core. It was everywhere, inside and out.

“Hold on, hold on…” Dean tried, though it was doubtful that Cas could even hear him through the forced giggling and weird melodic notes.

Trying to get close enough to Castiel to snatch the machine up was like running a gauntlet. His wings were suffering from a combination of tickle shimmies and electric pulse muscle spasms. Any time Sam or Dean ducked in to make a grab, they were pummeled by a wall of feathers. Dean could taste blood after a clock to his nose, but adrenaline and amusement kept him from noticing more than a vague sting.

“Cas… Cas we can’t… you’ve gotta…” Dean weaved and batted.

“Work with us, Cas!” Sam grunted, hanging onto one wing for dear life as it thrashed him up and down as if he weighed nothing.

“T-t-t!!!” Cas tried to form words through his laughter, arms clutched tight around his middle.

Desperation incarnate, he reached out lightning quick with the miniscule amount of grace able to bend to his will and yanked the boys in close with it. This had the unfortunate side effect of spreading the sensation as the essence touched down on them, leaving both Winchesters doubled up in helpless wheezing cackles against their angelic friend. What the hell was this non-physical tickly feeling???

“CAS D-!!! CAN’T HE-HELP IF?!” Dean snorted.

They were screwed. Caught in the loop of laughter. What a way to go out.

Until…

It seemed that the reapers would not be coming for them on that particular day. Whether from divine intervention or dumb luck, the device shut off. A collective gasp for air sounded through the room.

“Shit… that tickled.” Dean heaved. “What happened?”

“It would seem that my grace is… vulnerable to electric stimulation.” Castiel rolled onto his back and put a hand over his face in a mixture of relief and embarrassment.

Nobody moved. There was a strange afterglow of sheer contentment from the shared-grace-giggling experience, though nobody was quick to admit how good they felt at the moment.

“Timer.” Sam stated finally. “I have a default timer of five minutes on it. That’s why it shut off.”

“Yeah, well, we’re gonna have to turn the settings WAY down on that thing because I don’t think I can handle that again right now if Wiggles over here gets grabby with his grace.” Dean rolled up into a sit and started aligning the intensity controls.

Cas made an instinctive reach for the device, which Dean deftly avoided.

“Not our fault you turned it on when it was set high. We’re still doing this, but we’re doing it right. Lower pulse ought to be fine. Back up on the table.”

Wide eyed and nervous, Castiel resumed his original position. He was still just a little too drunk on the endorphin spike to pull an annoyed expression, but still swiftly gripped a wrist on each brother.

“Don’t leave this time.” he insisted.

Sam and Dean shared a look, then jumped up to sit on either side of him. When he gave a small nod to signal his mental steel-up, the TENS unit once again buzzed to life, this time at a far more tolerable frequency. Only just, but tolerable all the same. His grace gave out pulsing shivers, almost as if nails were running over sensitized skin.

Hands balled in the padding blankets and legs lightly squirming for purchase over the side of the table, Castiel tried his best to bear through the time. He dug his chin down into his collar bone as breathy giggles clawed their way to the surface. Nope. A grown man-angel shouldn’t be allowed to be this adorable.

“This is supposed to be relaxing. Are you relaxed?” Dean grinned, giving a little poke to one of the wiggling wings.

“I AM NO-HOT!”

Sam held back a snort to avoid embarrassing the angel, but threw Dean a can you believe this expression when Cas tipped to his side and pressed muffled laughter into his jacket sleeve. Both brothers held a supportive hand to the angel’s back.

“Cas, we’d better not catch you alone like this again in your free time. If we need you for a case and you’re just holed up under the table having a tickle party for one-”

“Be quiet, De-hean!” Cas interrupted him with a giggly shove from the closest wing. “I’ll make you… I’ll make you feel…”

It was hardly an intimidating threat at the moment. The teasing verbal jabs seemed to up the intensity of whatever was happening with the celestial energy, and Castiel’s eyes were shining bright with tears by the time the machine beeped to signal the end of its cycle.

“Finished.” Sam announced in a sympathetic tone.

“Already?” Cas asked, wiping away the evidence of his mirth crying.

“Already?” Dean repeated, amused.

“It seemed to go by much faster. Perhaps, time being relative and also being that the potency of the treatment was at a marked decrease, my tolerance was raised for the challenge. It was pleasant. The effect on my grace was thoroughly enjoyable.” Castiel acknowledged, squinting at the Winchesters’ surprised expressions. “Did I not elucidate this well enough?”

Carefully, he stretched out his wings, noting with satisfaction that they felt remarkably limber as compared to the prickly tightness from the beginning of the day. He gave a soft yelp when fingers began picking at the TENS pads to unstick them from his skin. A bit over-sensitive from prolonged tingles, it was a struggle to wrench his wings up to allow the leads to be peeled away from the joints at his shoulder blades. They snapped down repeatedly and he shook his head with a scrunched nose of valiant failed effort. It wasn’t until Dean reached out a tickly grab to Cas’ knee to redirect sensation that he buckled in and became uncoordinated enough for Sam to strip everything free.

When everything had been boxed back up, it was difficult to ignore that Castiel’s expression remained bright and pleased. He looked happy. With any luck, maybe in the future that would not feel like such a foreign thing to see.

———

Publisher’s Notes: I absolutely LOVED getting to toss around ideas with you, some of which ended up straight here! This is so precious, and the line “...if Wiggles over here gets grabby with his grace” is a particular treasure. Thank you so much for blessing us with this continuation! <3

[tameila]

deleted chapter 15 scene

so for no reason other than because i reread it while putting something else into my ‘extra bits to save in case i decide i want them’ doc, here’s an alternative direction for chapter 15 that I ended up scrapping.

to introduce it, it takes places after the scene between Lionel and Pike on the stairs at the University of Emon. Pike ends up running into Allura on campus instead of the ‘Pike calls Allura and leaves a voicemail’ bit that I actually put in the chapter.

in retrospect, it’s not as bad as i definitely thought it was at the time that i scrapped it, and i’m kinda wondering why I scrapped it in the first place. like...it’s a full scene! idk chapter 15 was a wild ride! maybe i’ll even edit this back in someday...lemme know what you think!

anyway! here it is!

Their duck quest leads them down the stairs and halfway across campus, past the Alabaster Lyceum but before The Ivory Tower, where Pike vaguely remembers there being a quaint, little pond.

During the winter, students will skate on the ice there despite administration’s strict rules against it. A lesson she learned the hard way when visiting Kima and Allura in a January some ten years ago. Kima and Allura managed to scamper off the ice before the security guard could see them. Pike, stumbling around like a baby deer, got caught and had to sit in the offices until Wilhand could drive all the way from Westruun to pick her up. She got let go with a warning, but she’s never forgotten that cursed pond.

(Luckily, Wilhand had just laughed and spent the whole car ride back to Westruun telling her stories of his own wild youth.)

(Luckily, Kima and Allura had felt so bad about ditching her that they helped sneak her into the campus bar next time she visited.)

That was a long time ago.

“Ducks!”

Pike shakes from her thoughts to find herself standing in the shadow of the Ivory Tower, Lionel cheering gleefully somewhere behind her. Her skin prickles with chills. Some born from the sun’s absence. Some, she has no doubt, born from the treacherous hope of - Maybe. A student brushes past, mumbling an ‘excuse me’ as they go, and Pike glimpses the ID card in their hand and, more importantly, their path for the Ivory Tower’s entrance.

Leave it, part of her insists, Allura isn’t here.

Pike glances over her shoulder at Lionel, who stands with his back to her, thoroughly distracted by the ducks swimming on the pond.

This is your only chance, a stronger will pulls, so she follows in the student’s wake, grabbing the door before it closes. Maybe.

She doesn’t regret her decision right away.

At first, it’s rather nice to see the building again. The Ivory Tower is designed in such a way that, when standing in the middle of the first floor, you can see straight up to the last. Pike lingers there for a while, enjoying the sun that shines down through the skylight, before moving on to avoid looking too much like a person out-of-place.

But, after wandering the halls for nearly twenty minutes, climbing spiraling staircase after spiraling staircase, she certainly starts to.

Lionel no longer stands by the pond. She checked while passing by a window on the fourth floor which has left her to continue her walk with a bead of dread in her gut. What if he panics and calls Scanlan? What if Scanlan panics and leaves his meeting to come look for her? He’ll go through all the trouble just to find out she slipped her guard to wander aimlessly around a tower. For what? Imagined closure?

Allura isn’t here.

She already checked her office, and despite her efforts which included checking every plague and asking every student she’s passed, she hasn’t been able to find wherever the hell the library is supposed to be.

Ugh.

She pauses, halfway through her walk around the fifth landing, to pull out her phone and set this whole mess to right when a familiar voice calls out --

“Pike?”

Her phone clatters to the ground and straight to the feet of Allura.

For a moment, Pike freezes, blinking, trying to dispel the dream. Allura looks exactly as she remembers her - blond hair neatly braided, shoulders back, chin held regally even as she tilts her head in confusion at the - Pike imagines - much more haggard looking sight before her.

“Shit. Sorry, sorry!” Pike scrambles for her phone, dropping her gaze and hiding her heated cheeks, but Allura reaches down and grabs it before her and - Well, she doesn’t have much of a choice then, does she? She takes it from Allura’s offering hand with a sheepish smile and another mumbled, “Sorry.”

“No apologies necessary, Pike. If anything, I apologize for startling you. I just...didn’t expect to see you here,” Allura says evenly, but Pike’s attention lingers on the falter in her words. Allura Vysoren does not falter. For the life of her, she cannot determine whether that’s a good sign or not.

“Yeah, sorry. I’m in the city with my boyfriend right now who, well, he’s working today and I’m kinda just around so I thought I’d stop by here and take a walk. It’s -- It’s been a while,” She ends abruptly, swallowing hard.

Allura only nods. “It has been.” Then, after a polite pause, “Have you been well?”

“Yes,” Pike answers on reflex, but the word sits bitterly on her tongue. Allura smiles, pleased by the answer, which only makes it worse. It’s not a lie, she reasons for no one’s benefit. She’s doing well currently, for example, and she has been well, in a general sense of the word. Overall. Physically and, for the most part, mentally. For the most part. But -- This is Allura, the big sister she never had, a best friend she let herself lose, and she wavers.

“Actually, that’s...not completely true. It’s complicated,” she corrects herself in a rush. Allura blinks, waiting expectantly for further explanation, and Pike opens her mouth to do so but cannot provide it.

However, Allura is patient, as she always is, and kind, of course, and she lays a hand on Pike’s arm in the mounting silence.

That terrible, telltale burn swarms her sinuses, and Pike throws her arms around Allura.

“I’m sorry,” she says, muffled into her friend’s shoulder. “I’m sorry I missed the wedding, and I’m sorry I never answered any of your calls afterwards. I got so busy, and then it’d been so long, and I just - I just thought you were angry when you stopped calling.”

Allura holds her as she sputters with apologies and barely contained tears. “As I said, Pike, no apologies necessary. Your grandfather was unwell. Kima and I never expected nor would we have even wanted you to put everything aside for us.”

“But - But, I never - ”

“Called? Keyleth told us how hard you were working, and we understood. Kima, I’ll admit, took it a bit more to personally, but you know how she is. So tender-hearted beneath all that wild hair and brashness,” Allura explains, her voice dropping to a conspiratorial whisper when she speaks of Kima’s heart. Pike chuckles, pulling away as the tears subside to smile at Allura who finishes her reassurances,“We stopped calling, because we wanted to stop any pressure that might have put on you. You’d reach out when you were ready, we knew that. And, look, here you are…”

The softness of that admission almost has Pike in tears all over again. “Here I am!” She sniffles before pulling Allura in for one last bear hug that wanes into a fit of giggles when Allura winces and mutters under her breath - “still as strong as I ever, I see”.

“So, how are you truly?” Allura asks once they’ve settled, walking arm-in-arm down the stairs towards the lobby. “How is Wilhand? Grog? The temple?”

“I am well, but it’s complicated, like I said. But -- Wilhand’s great! Still goes to temple every Sunday, and he’s been getting into the routine of meeting up with his friends at the community center once a week for old people games,” Pike says, beaming. “He won his Bingo game last night. All-or-nothing. Blackout. He was very excited! Oh, and you’ll never believe what finally happened…” Pike pauses to allow the anticipation to build, watching Allura lean closer, before stating as coolly as she can while grinning ear-from-ear, “Grog and Keyleth.”

Allura gasps. “No! Are you serious?”

Pike bobs her head, while Allura melts into a preen, stating with no little amount of smugness, “I told you it would happen.”

“You did not!” Pike retorts. “I’m the one who always said it.”

“You always said you had a hunch, dear, but I knew.”

“That’s probably because Keyleth told you or something. Meanwhile, she never told me anything, fearing it’d be awkward, so all my assumptions were built on observations and inferences. Thus, my claim is the most valid!”

Allura laughs and, after a brief attempt to remain argumentative, her eyebrows doing some impressive furrows, Pike joins her.

They exit the stairwell to the first floor, stalling in the middle of the room, still arm-and-arm.  “And, how is the temple?” Allura asks. “Has the workload lightened for you?”

Pike scrunches her nose. “I’m on a bit of a break right now actually....That’s the complicated part.”

“Oh.”

“No, no, but it’s good. What lead to the break wasn’t good. That was...Bad, but the break itself has been exactly what I needed,” Pike assures her, offering Allura a comforting pat on the arm when her friend grimaces, surely thinking she ruined the conversation. “I’m figuring a lot of things out that I need to figure out, and I’m happy, like, Allura, listen, I’m happy.”

Allura softens. “Truly?”

“Yeah. I mean, I’ve been going to therapy. I left Westruun, Allura. I never thought I could do that without losing my mind or something. But, I did, and I got to see you again!” She drops her voice, a secret thrill at the thought of saying it out loud, “I have a boyfriend, and I love him in that, you know, really gross way that I used to make fun of you and Kima for being.”

Pike expects Allura to tease her, maybe pull one of those sisterly ‘I told you so’ cards that she was always so fond of them in their youth. What she expects less is to be pulled into a hug that lifts her right onto her toes.

Bang!

Her and Allura both startle, swerving to face the doors where, much to Pike’s relief and mild dismay, Lionel stands. His face is smushed against the glass, his hands bang and rattle the doors in their frames, and he bellows loudly, loud enough to be heard over his own knocking, “PIKE!!!”

“Is that…?” Allura doesn’t finish her sentence, but Pike reads the questioning lilt.

“No, no, that’s not my boyfriend. That’s….” Huh. She snaps her lips closed and ‘hrmph’s. There really is no easy way to explain that the man causing a public disturbance in her name is her boyfriend’s bodyguard, is there? To Allura’s wide-eyed, scandalized stare, she only offers a shrug and an unconcerned,

“We have a lot to catch up on.”

[warehouse13pod]

Show Notes 107 "Implosion"

Evil is afoot, Agents.

As always, you can click on this link or by clicking play on the embedded player below to listen to this week’s episode while reading the show notes.

Also, don’t forget that you can support us on Patreon!

This week's Writer Appreciation Corner focuses on Bob Goodman, a true asset to the Warehouse 13 writing staff. We love Bob Goodman and even featured a quote from his io9 article in our "Bonus 01 - Podcast 13 Season 1 Trailer,” linked here and embedded below.

You can follow him on Twitter as @b0bg00dman.

The episode starts with Pete imitating a dubbed Japanese samurai movie. This week's episode dealt a lot with a lot of ~heavy themes~ related to Japan and WWII, and interestingly those themes tie directly into the media history of samurai cinema. Pete was almost certainly imitating the action-packed samurai cinema films that were popular after WWII. And, in fact, most samurai cinema was set during the Tokugawa/Edo Period--exactly when the Honjō Masamune was crafted. You can find a list of some seminal works of Samurai Cinema from The Criterion Collection.

It's interesting that the episode focused on a Masamune being given as a gift to a US president after WWII, because a Masamune was actually given to President Harry S. Truman after WWII and currently resides in the Harry S. Truman Presidential Library and Museum. That's a pretty direct allegory to a sword being given to Woodrow Wilson and residing in the Woodrow Wilson Museum of Peace.

Incidentally, there is no actual Woodrow Wilson Museum of Peace, but there is a Woodrow Wilson Presidential Library and Museum, and it is (at least partially) a house!

And since the episode got to the Honjō Masamune pretty quickly and led to an early introduction of our expert in the podcast, let's give her the same treatment here in the show notes! We are so grateful and honored to have had the highly illuminating Dr. Nyri Bakkalian as our Artifact Expert this week. She shed so much light onto a subject that I have just…no other knowledge of whatsoever. It was fascinating to hear all she had to say about the Honjō Masamune and about Japanese swords post WWII more broadly. You can find her on Twitter as @riversidewings, check out her blog, or support her on her Patreon for more information.

Dr. Nyri Bakkalian shared a cringe-worthy story of someone who stripped a samurai sword to the tang. If you know nothing about swords (like me) then you probably didn't know what a tang was--or that there are so many more parts of a blade than the hilt, tsuba, and that long stabby bit. For my fellow sword novices, here's some info on the anatomy of a sword. Here's some information specifically on Japanese swords. And here's some information specifically on tsubas and other Japanese sword mountings.

But guess what?!

Dr. Bakkalian was kind enough to give us even more information after Miranda's interview. She sent us a link to a Japanese resource that discusses the real Honjō Masamune--and that even includes a diagram of the sword itself. Dr. Bakkalian added that "the sword was appraised many times, but it was designated a National Treasure of Japan in 1939, so we're fortunate that we at least have a paper trail if not the blade itself."

While I don't know much about swords, I do know a bit about kitchen knives. And what I know about kitchen knives ties in--very slightly--with the history of swords. Specifically, the layering technique of forging Japanese steel blades. Here's a bit more information on how Japanese kitchen knives are made and how that ties into the history of sword-making in Japan. Not that anyone asked, but I'm a big fan of my hybrid knife set that has a Japanese steel blade but a piece of thick metal that extends all the way down through the hilt like a German blade. The knives have a nice thin, sharp edge like a Japanese blade but a comfortingly weighty, solid handle that makes me feel more in control as I cook. I've included pictures of them, because I love them and this is the closest I can come to being useful about anything related to blades.

This episode dealt a lot with the frustration that can come from poor communication between friends and coworkers. This is something that Artie struggles with a lot. Here is an interesting blog post for any managers or team leaders out there looking to foster better communication in their workplace.

In the stakeout scene in the parking lot of the Japanese Embassy, Pete makes a joke about how the goggles make him look like Kermit the Frog. I couldn't find a pic or gif of him in the goggles, but here's a pic of Kermit.

As we get further into the series of Warehouse 13, we're starting to encounter more and more artifacts per episode, which means that we may not have experts on to discuss every single artifact that an episode references or features. That said, we love this fan wiki as a resource to look into the artifacts that don't get as much airtime on Warehouse 13 or on our podcast.

In this episode, we don't spend a lot of time on it, but Artie uses a 14th Century Firework called an "Ice Flower" that mesmerizes onlookers by triggering a feedback loop in their optic nerve. You can find out more about mesmerism in our show notes for 103 "Magnetism." The fan wiki points out that the firework resembles  a type of firework known as a Catherine wheel firework. Here's some more information about the history of fireworks.

In the hotel room with Artie, Pete, and Myka, Myka demands that Artie tell them exactly what the sword does. We learn that the sword turns the bearer invisible but splitting light in half. The bending and manipulation of light to essentially mimic invisibility is actually a thing that scientists are researching. There are lots of techniques they try, and you can learn more about them here.

In this same scene, we got another great detail from the brilliant art department on this show. As Artie is explaining the history of the Honjō Masamune, he pulls out a Japanese handscroll. Japanese illustrated handscrolls are a beautiful and intricate form of visual storytelling media and you can read more about them here. Personally, I learned about them from the video lecture series from Sunday at the Met entitled "Storytelling in Japanese Art." You can click the previous link or click play on the embedded video below to watch that lecture series.

You can find more lectures about art and history from The Metropolitan Museum of art on the museum's website or more directly, from its YouTube channel. I've found some truly amazing information there.

We made a reference to Kluger getting "dusted" (RIP Kluger). That was, you guessed it, a Buffy the Vampire Slayer reference.

Miranda referenced using the Oxford English Dictionary to look up the origin of the word "kabosh." The OED, as it is affectionately called is an amazing resource at whom's alter Miranda and I both worship. It's so much more than a dictionary. It gives the history and first use of every word you can imagine.

You can gain access to it with your library card number, so please: support your local library. Go and sign up for a card, so you can access this awesome resource.

Now that you have a library card (I'm assuming you dropped whatever you were doing to go support your local library and get a library card), you can now check out the books where the phrase "to put a kabosh on" were first used. The first was Sketches by Boz by Charles Dickens and the second was The Wheels of Chance by H.G. Wells.

It is taking literally everything in my power not to post a spoilery gif of H.G. wells right now, but I'm committed to keeping major plot developments out of the show notes until we discuss them on the podcast, so instead here's a picture of me right now trying not to spoil things.

We also discuss how Artie's file said he was suspected of espionage but was actually arrested for treason. Small fact check, but espionage and treason are different crimes.

Outside the Wilson Museum, Pete and Myka have one of their patented heart-to-heart and Myka unintentionally reveals--much to Pete's delight--that she is a fan of Star Trek: The Original Series. Specifically, she and Pete discuss the trope of "red shirts."

We talked about how the orange vs. purple Tesla reminded us of lightsabers in Star Wars and Priori Incantatem in Harry Potter.

Miranda gave a Mini-Actor Spotlight on the actor who portrays Mrs. Frederic's bodyguard, Jung-Yul Kim.

Meanwhile, our main Actor Spotlight of the week focused on James MacPherson himself, Roger Rees. His IMDB is incredibly impressive, but his credits extend far beyond his work on the big and small screen.

Miranda recognized him from his turn as Lord John Marbury in The West Wing.

We also gave a shout out to Rees' husband, Rick Elice, an accomplished writer and actor in his own right. Sadly, Roger Rees passed from brain cancer in 2015. He was a powerful and talented actor who left an enduring mark on Warehouse 13. Rest in Pease, sir.

We referenced this hilarious scene with Pete and Myka's gesture-based discussion about needing to shoot unsuspecting Secret Service Agents with the Tesla...

…and how it reminded us of Spike knocking over the "Welcome to Sunnydale" sign every time he entered and left town in Buffy the Vampire Slayer. (Another reference #TakeAShot)

We also take a moment to appreciate the importance of Leena to the Warehouse. She's great, and we want everyone to remember that she's great.

We also talk about how Artie's unwillingness to address the source of his closed-off nature ends up putting Pete and Myka in danger and making Myka very upset. She says that Artie needs to address his emotions instead of allowing his emotional scars to hurt those around him. Miranda and I support mental wellness and therapy. Please see our show notes for 103 Magnetism for a list of crisis resources.

The episode ended with a couple of quotes from the Talmud. You can learn more about Jewish Sacred Texts here. I haven't personally used this resource so I can't very translations or commentary or anything, but we always link to books we reference in the podcast--so, if you want, you can read the Talmud online here.

That's all for this week.

See you next time, Agents.

[takealottodragmeawayfromreddie]

Okay, we all know that killing off Mike's parents was a shitty move from Android Muchotti, but for just one moment let's pretend it was a super good decision and imagine Mike's scene in IT 2019.

He just got home from the library after a particular heavy day. The house is empty, as always. There's a nice woman who has been flirting with him and he's kind of interested, but his dating experiments never succeed. He's too into his own head to even think about having a serious relationship. He doesn't want to drag anyone else into this.

He turns on the lamp that fills the living room with dim light and hangs his coat behind the door. He sighs. It's time to take his pill. He has to take a lot of pills. His grandfather didn't believe in therapy (and, honestly, he didn't think it would help), but after he died, the situation became unbearable and Mike went to a doctor. The trauma was too heavy, he couldn't sleep at night and he couldn't stand be alone for too long.

So he walks to the kitchen to get a glass of water to take his pill. That's the one that helps him to fall asleep. He takes one and swallows. He waits for a few seconds and takes another. He isn't supposed to take more than one, but he does it anyway. He does that with all of his pills.

Already yawning, he goes to the living room and turns the old tv on, pills and glass of water still in hand. He isn't used to sleep on his bed. Eyes heavy, he watches the infomercials that are shown at that hour. Something about a new vacuum cleaner. It looks like something from the 80s. The woman with the most plastic smile and the biggest and most stiff hairstyle looks straight into the camera and talks about the product with an excited voice.

"You don't even need to clean it! Just remove the box, shake and it's all gone! Just like that! And don't forget that with the Super TechClean 3000, you'll float, too!"

Mike blinks a few times. It's okay, he's used to this kind of hallucinations, he just needs another pill. One more pill and it'll be over.

"That's right! For only 99,9 dollars you can float, too! Like Betty Ripson, Patrick Hostetter and one of our biggest hits, Georgie Denbrough! Remember?"

It's more insistent than he thought. Maybe another pill...

"Oh, don't fall asleep on me, Mikey! You promised them! How does it feel to ruin your whole life to keep me in line and then just have a nap? Come on!"

Mike starts to believe it. It's possible. His heart starts beating fast. The woman is still smiling. Her excitement is upsetting.

"So now you know what to do! Go grab a phone and call the rest of your pathetic little friends! But wait, there's more, if you do it while this advertisement is still on screen, maybe I won't kill you all at once. Maybe I'll take just one of you and let the others watch. Just for 99,9 dollars!"

Mike is wide awake now. He turns off the tv and watches around. There has to be a hint in the shadows of his living room. He remains silent, trying to hear anything out of normality.

"Mike!"

It's barely there. Like someone's calling him from another room. A female voice that he still remembers. A bit light-headed because of the pills, he stands up and waddles to where it comes from, the kitchen.

As he gets closer, he hears it more clearly. It's not just one voice; there's a lot of them. And they're not quiet; they're screaming, crying for help. There's a desperate knocking, too.

When he enters to the kitchen, he knows exactly where it comes from. The oven is on. There's fire light inside it and he can see shadows of hands behind its little window, hitting on it, making loud noises. They keep screaming his name, begging.

He carefully approaches. Now that he's kneeling in front of it, he can almost see the faces inside. He tries to open the door, but it's stuck. The voices are going insane and he can hear flames, too.

"Mikey, please! Help us! Don't leave us here!"

He tries one last pull, stronger this time, and he makes it. The oven is open. And when he looks inside, it's bigger than he thought. It's like taking a look at hell, with fire everywhere and the distants sounds of suffering. But the ones who are right in front of him are his parents, faces full of horror and pain, burning, crying, screaming, sticking out their arms, trying to get to him.

"Mikey, please!" His mother begs.

"Son, get us out, get us out!" His father practically screeches.

Mike takes his mother's hand and pulls. It burns. The pain almost makes him let go of her. But he has to be strong. He pulls again, and both his father and the ones who are behind grab her, trying to get pulled out, too. It's impossible. The smoke and the smell of burned flesh invade the kitchen.

"Mike!"

Between his efforts, he looks inside again. They're there, too, still looking like children. Bill, Stan, Richie, Eddie, Ben and Beverly. Their faces are burned, too, and they're all screaming his name.

"Mike, Mike!"

"Help! Please, Mike!"

Mike practically sticks his arms into this door to hell, trying to grab them. It's too hot. The Losers cling to his arms, scratching them. When he grabs Stan, his fingers slip. There's blood in Stan's wrist. Now the things they cry out don't make much sense.

Eddie starts screaming "My arm! My fucking arm! Please—" and Richie says "oh my fucking God, Mike, you said you'd take care of this!". Stan screams "this can't be happening! Not again! Make it stop, Mike! Please make it stop!" while Bill repeats "W-we promised! We fucking p-promised!". And the screams get more and more absurd until they're no longer human.

Now, all the sounds, all the shouts and the cries for help, including his parents', are sheep noises. And then a demential, creepy carnival music starts playing and a bright light rises behind his parents and the Losers, still making sheep noises and trying to grab him.

Mike stares and understands almost immediately. The deadlights.

"I'm... I'm sorry!" He cries, looking at his mother's pleading eyes, "I'm so sorry!"

After that, with lots of effort to make them all let go and close the door despite their insistance, he locks them inside the oven. The flames become brighter for a second as he hear sheeps screaming as if his kitchen was a slaughter house. Then it all disappears.

Mike sighs and drops the pills. He has six phone calls to make.

[nana-lew-rp]

I Know, Right? Whodathunk! || Pewdielew

It was happening again. And she was getting used to it. Shawna was sitting in the Gamma office, which looked like an extension of his room. She was tacking away at her laptop and doing spreadsheets and calculations. She originally volunteered her VP services to the Gamma house to help the school's budget and to do some research for her degree in project management.

"You guys bring in a lot of money. This is like the 3rd time this year you guys went over on community service hours and the 2nd with the budget," she whined, turning to the Swede.

"And what's the problem with that?" He asked indignant focusing on her.

"Ah, I dunno. How about when you gotta ask Theta for their extra money?"

"What do you even need the extra money for? Art supplies for your showcases?"

"No! We treat our whole house every year to a..um... ski-skiing trip," Shawna could explain that to officials, parents, hell- even her own family just fine. Right now, she struggled, something caught in her throat. A noise.

"A skiing trip?"

"It inspires us and we can- uhh..relax.." she trailed off.

"He told me he called you Ana since you first met, but the meaning changed after your first ski trip as vice president," Felix began, "He said it reminded him better of Anastasia Steel from Fifty Shades of Gray-"

"*gasps* He TOLD you that! He said he'd never tell anyone!"

"I'm not just anyone, Ana-" Felix couldn't finish before he had a pen flung in his direction.

"Look you two may be together and the Presidents of the houses, but..but.." Shawna began, getting frustrated and then looking at Felix, who seemed to be entertained by the fire he had lit inside of her.

"But...that's exactly what et means," Felix interjected, smirking devilishly, "I too get to go on those trips. And I get to give you a name. Cheer up, Ana. I'm very kind...at first. I really appreciate your hard work here but from what PJ told me you were fond of him. It just seemed interesting to me so I asked him why you two are like that and he told me to ask you if I felt so inclined. Why don't you take a break and talk about it?"

Shawna's shoulders dropped and so did her jaw. He was actually doing this, but she honestly felt better about him respecting her. She straightened herself and scratched the back of her hand, rolling down her sleeves and then took a deep breath.

I was sixteen.

Shawna had really liked Andrew and it was so out of nowhere. She and him had met over a book at their local library and simply agreed to read it together. From there, they had gotten to talking and a full year later he had asked her the question in front of her whole class.

She had never had so much kindness and romance showed to her before. He was even sympathetic to the times where she wouldn't speak, but back then she would just play it off like she had a throat infection. The infrequency of them made it seem like it, so she never brought it up. After about a year it would get old for Andrew and asked her parents what was wrong. Once he found out, he still couldn't wrap his head around her lying to him, but he put up with it.

Then, things got worse around seventeen.

Their playful antics were now full blown fights about her inability to fit in and how she didn't have any other friends. It wasn't true. She had friends. They were just online across the country. He claimed that didn't count. Her being pressured to have sex with him to the point that even his family turned a blind eye when she walked through the door to stay with him. He would force her to spend time at his house for weeks. He would simply tell them that she was fine and you know how young lovers are. Planned trips to places far as to stay off suspicion. Shawna knew he meant well. Shawna knew he loved her. Shawna knew it was going to be okay. She held her tongue and endured through another year and a half of being controlled, silenced, and pushed around.

If she was too sad, he'd leave her and ignore her knowing that he's all she's got. He became the cause of her silence, the lump in her throat staying for days. She lost her firsts to him- even her virginity. The night it happened was going fairly well as their "ok" days go until he started the fight about sex. She hadn't really been interested and he put their whole relationship on the line for it. Then-

She couldn't talk for weeks after that and took multiple showers a day just to think she could rinse off the memory. It just kept happening. Shawna put up with it. As long as it made them happy. They weren't fighting anymore, so maybe she was taking a little time to get over it. She never saw someone and would lie consistently to her friends(what little she had left that Andrew liked and trusted) and family; she would just try to talk to Andrew and he'd tell her how she felt or was supposed to feel. And if it fit and it came from someone she trusted, then it was okay, right?

Next thing she knew, they had been relying on one another, but only sexually. They would only work well and love one another when Andrew was in charge and Shawna was being the good girl she was supposed to be. This escape took over her whole life. Now those fun nights to spice things up were all they did, all that they talked about, all they wanted to do with one another. He would satisfy his sickest fantasies through her.

During one of their talks, because calm talks were hard to come by, Andrew explained everything about his childhood friend. She had known exactly who he was talking about and she had met her a few times. Then he said the most shattering thing to Shawna to date:

Look, I know we've been together for this long and I do love you...It's just, I grew up with Meghan and I just wanted to keep her close and made sure she knew that I cared. I had to make her believe I can be everything she wants me to be. And it worked! She really likes me for who I am. And she grew into herself so beautifully. Even more beautiful than you. So I just...wanted you to know that no matter what we go through. She's my end game. She's who I do all of this for. And with that being said, you will never be her. And you will never take her place. It's not like you can-anyway..

With such upset and frustration, Shawna understood and nodded carefully, tears streaming down her face and running her mascara. She really did know, but did he have to say it like that? Did he have to say it so far in?

Karma had a funny way of doing things. Even though Shawna had been not eating, not sleeping or never getting out of bed, and not going to school, she had taken to just being in her room. Finding comfort in the videos she made in secret to make herself feel better. For just a few hours, she forgot about Andrew. She forgot about Meghan. She forgot about all the things she endured. All the things she came to know, just to saturate herself in her imagination.  And it was while she was editing one of her videos that Shawna had gotten a call from Andrew's mother. She had explained how Andrew was at the hospital and was being admitted for mental health issues.

She never thought there was anything left in her to care for this..monster, but there she was driving to the hospital. But slowly. She didn't feel like driving like a maniac, especially since he's already been admitted. More importantly, she was angry with the reason why he had gotten admitted: Meghan had gotten into an accident with a drunk driver and was reportedly DOA. He had left his friend's house immediately to the scene of the accident and said nothing to Shawna. He claimed to be the girl's fiance so they would allow him to ride in the ambulance. Once they had made the call that she had died in the ambulance, Andrew had lost his mind and began threatening to jump out of the moving vehicle to join her if they didn't try harder to keep her alive. After the EMTs continued to explain that she was DNR upon her request as an organ donor, he was calm but he still contemplated suicide. He got out the ambulance and was immediately taken to get admitted and a psychological evaluation.  

It had really dawned on her that there was no real reason for her to go and check up on him, but she was trying to be hopeful.

"So what happened after that?" Felix asked, stunned in silence previously at how things went in a totally different direction, but he wasn't surprised. If she was here. The story was going to be intense.

"He ignored me and basically wondered why I had even come because I wasn't his girl, and it was off and on with abuse and ostracization until I came here. At first, he was healing and was still kinda sorta sweet but just wouldn't give me any energy whatsoever. No more being possessive or manipulative towards me to get me to do what he asked until he became my bully for the rest of our junior year together. I had to repeat my junior year because I didn't come to school or do my assignments. Same thing the first like 6 months of the Institute, but then I had met PJ and he made it feel like it was undoing everything he had done and it was working backwards," Shawna explained, "So when I told him I wanted to be his vice he said that I had to continue taking my medications, start going to therapy again and ask for help when need be and quit whatever craziness I was doing with Mitchell-"

"Who the fuck is Mitchell?" he cut her off.

Her face sank as she felt like those wounds were still new, but took a deep breath, "He went to either here or the Institute and him and I really weren't a thing but drugs were more his thing because he believed he didn't need to take his meds to get better, so one day I was blasted out of my mind because they were still figuring out my behavioural medications and like a dumbass I thought he'd stop me from taking his medications because I threatened to do it if he wouldn't take them...Yeah...PJ kinda stepped in at that point and got me all cleaned up and on a routine and someone to talk to."

"PJ..PJ made sure you got better. Wow..that...that's amazing because it really seemed like you were just very screwed in the head, but now I get it...And I'm sorry...So..what's going to happen at this year's ski trip?" Felix asked.

"Well, that's the funny part, he's very hardworking all year, so PJ said I get one day all day to do whatever I want with him. And after that it's just work and hang when we can," Shawna explained, "He explained that he had a soft spot but he's not ready to fully commit or even be with anyone right now, so it works in the meantime. And he taught me how to have healthy relationships by doing that, but he also turned me into a workaholic."

"Clearly," he chuckled, shifting and biting his lip then checking his phone, "He's a really alright guy, huh?"

"Yeah. I love him, but not like-love, but family love or something, but it's not incest?" she rambled. It made Felix laugh at her train of thought. Her cheeks started to turn pink and she covered her mouth, then cleared her throat as she addressed the Swede while checking her phone briefly, "Uhmm..ahem..Can I get this done? I think you have-wait- you're late to a meeting with PJ."

"Whahuh?" the other asked, not sure how he had gotten lost, but it was sinking in what PJ saw in her, and why he did what he did, "Uhm...Shawna?"

"Yeah?"

"How well can you multitask?"

"Pretty well. My record is six things..why?"

"Can you..come to take meeting notes for us? The school's cracking down and wants to make sure the meetings are getting things done for the houses...and this paperwork needs to get done while Cry's on vacation."

"Sure."