#and by that I mean throw hands on myself I’m gonna kms

[kavehater]

Omg my dad went to see a home on the way to uni and we met this old man he was rlly nice to me and stuff but he kept saying oh I should transfer to med and that I should be a midwife and he loves Muslim intelligent people and that we need more Muslim girls in med 😭 which was sweet and all BUT HES LIKE SO YOU CAN GO GET MARRIED 👹

[annab-nana]

Too Much To Handle - Colby Brock

Y/n reads the comments of a video her and Colby filmed recently and due to the amount of hate, she deals with it in her own way. When she wears a hoodie the next day in the LA heat, Jake and Corey get a little suspicious.

Requested by an amazing anon on Wattpad 🧡

Warnings: some curse words; self-harm (specifically cutting) ; mentions of depression; cyberbullying and telling someone to commit suicide; self-deprecating thoughts

Word Count: 1.6k+

--------------------------------------------------

“I’m gonna beat you, Jake!” Corey shouted as his big brown eyes fixated on the TV screen.

“You wish,” Jake scoffed. I watched the two play Rocket League from the other side of the couch. A light giggle escaped my lips in response to their competitive banter. We all three stared at the screen as we watched their cars drive around, trying to get the ball in the goal. As I gazed at the game, my mind began to zone out, thinking of what I did last night.

“Okay, love you! Bye!” I say to Colby before pressing the red button to end our phone call. I press the home button to return to the main screen and hesitate for a second before inevitably tapping on the red app with a white play button to open YouTube. Colby and I made a video to announce to his subscribers that we are in a relationship. He felt after being together for nine months that now was a good time to tell them. I have been refraining from looking at what everyone was saying for the past several days, but I can’t any longer.

I scrolled through my subscriptions until I found Colby Brock and clicked his most recent upload, “Meet My Girlfriend”. I let the video play as I scroll down to the comments. The top ones are very nice and supportive of our relationship. There are a few people that were so happy that Colby finally got a girlfriend. Some were super nice about me, saying they thought I was pretty or cute or nice, something along those lines. Then, I hit some mean ones.

“Why would Colby go out with her? She is so ugly and not funny or anything. She has zero good qualities.”

“I don’t see what Colby sees in her at all”

“Colby can do soooooo much better”

“Really, Colby? Her?”

They got worse and worse as I scrolled down. Tears pricked my eyes as I read each one. It’s like I couldn’t stop once I started.

“She’s so fat and ugly and Colby isn’t at all. Guess opposites really do attract.”

“I’m literally throwing up. She looks so gross.”

“If I were her, I’d kms. I mean look at her.”

Tears stream down my cheeks as I finally shut my phone off. They aren’t wrong. All the thoughts I used to have when I was in high school came back. I am ugly and fat and I don’t deserve anyone, especially Colby. He could do so much better than me.

I got up and headed to my bathroom. I stared back at the sad girl looking at me. Even though I had made a lot of progress, mentally and physically, I still saw the old high school y/n when I looked into the mirror. She was fat and she was ugly. She was undeserving of love. Colby is such a sweet and amazing guy. He’s cute and hot and the fans were right. He can do better than me. I am nothing, but hideous to look at and messed up on the inside.

My hand trembled as it reached down to open the cabinet under the sink and stretched out to grab a small box that I kept hidden at the back. I placed it on the counter, sliding the lid off to see that hated contents that reside inside. I pulled out a blade and it set in what I was doing. I hadn’t done this in years, but here I am, doing it again.

The tears came harder as my mind races with self-insulting thoughts. I glide a blade across my wrist to let the pain go away. I watch as the blood trickles down my arm and falls into the sink. I make a few more slits across the skin on my arm before I wipe the blade clean, placing it back in the box, and putting the lid back on. I turn the sink on and let the water run over my arm to clean it off. I go back to my room and cry myself to sleep that night.

I look down at my arm now. I wore a hoodie so that my cuts wouldn’t be seen, but I was beginning to regret it because it was super hot today and the A/C doesn’t work here.

“Dude, I am so hot!” Corey says dramatically as he looks over to Jake.

“I know. I swear our air conditioning is never going to be fixed.” Jake replies as the two look at me.

“I don’t know how you are wearing that hoodie, y/n. It’s too hot for all that. You should change it to one of Colby’s shirts. You’ll be cooler.” Corey suggests. My eyes widen as I shake my head. I place my hand over my arm, thinking about why I had to wear a hoodie.

“Y/n, you will have a heat stroke in that thing if you don’t take it off. I’ll get you a shirt if you don’t want one of Colby’s or I’m sure Devyn will let you wear one of hers.” Jake says as he looks to Corey and Corey nods.

“Yeah, and Sam probably has some of Kat’s stuff too,” Corey adds.

“No guys, it’s fine. I’m comfortable, I promise.” I say as I look nervously to my hands. The boys look at each other quizzically. They knew something was up. I have to leave.

“I’m going to go to Colby’s room,” I say as I stand and turn to leave.

“No, y/n!” I hear Jake shout and feel him grab my wrist. The wrist I cut last night.

“Ow!” I say loudly as I wince in pain. Jake’s eyes widen when he realized he hurt me, and he let go quickly. I grab my wrist. Damn, that hurt.

“I’m sorry, y/n. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I barely even grabbed you. I don’t get why it hurt you that bad.” Jake says. I watch as the gears turn in his head, trying to figure out why.

“I burnt myself on accident the other day when I was getting something out of the oven.” I lie straight through my teeth. Corey stands up behind Jake suspiciously.

“Y/n show me your wrist,” Corey demands.

“No, it’s a nasty burn. You guys don’t need to see it.” I lie again.

“I think we can handle it,” Jake mentions.

“No,” I say again.

“Y/n, what are you hiding?” Corey pesters.

“Nothing,” I quickly reply.

“It’s obviously something. I bet I can guess what it is you’re hiding, so just show us. We won’t judge you for it.” Corey tells me as he looks deep into my eyes.

“Yeah, y/n, we love you,” Jake adds. I sigh.

“Nothing’s wrong. I’m fine.” I lie once more. I stare out the window, looking at the pool, trying to collect myself so I don’t cry. I feel one of them grab my hand. As I turn my attention to it, Jake’s other hand pulls my sleeve up. Both of them gasp at the sight of the damage I caused last night. When I see them, I start to full-on sob.

“I’m so sorry guys. I read all the com-comments on the vid-video last night and I couldn-coul-co,” My words were separated by sobs then by gasps for air. I couldn’t breathe. Jake wrapped his arms around me to calm me down and brought me to the floor.

“Breathe, y/n. Breathe. Breathe with me.” Jake told me as he inhaled. I inhaled with him and then we exhaled together. We did that repeatedly until I had calmed down to a silent cry. Jake held me and we sat there in each other’s silence.

“Colby’s on the way, y/n. He’ll be here soon.” Corey tells me as he slides his phone into his pocket. I let out a content sigh, knowing he would be here soon.

“I’m going to go change because I’m hot and then, I’ll be right back down here,” I tell the boys as I get up off the floor. I walk up the stairs and into Colby’s room, finding his bright blue Take Chances shirt and slipping it on after I take off my hoodie. I go back downstairs and sit with Jake and Corey to wait for Colby which only lasted for a few minutes. I heard the front door open and I stood up, running into Colby’s arms as I sobbed. He carried me upstairs and we sat on his bed.

“Can I see them?” He asks in my ear and I pull away, nodding. I show him my wrist and watch as sadness washes over his face. He softly runs a finger over the cuts and leans down to kiss them. He leans up and looks at me.

“Why?” He asks me, his voice sounded like he was on the verge of tears. I breathe in deep and exhale before I tell him.

“I read some of the comments on the video, Colby. They don’t like me and think I’m not pretty or skinny enough to be with you and they’re right, Colbs.” I say and he brings his hand up to wipe the tears that have just fallen.

“Don’t you ever say that about yourself, y/n. You are so beautiful and who cares if they don’t like you. I like you.” He tells me and I smile.

“I like you too, Colby,” I whisper as we get closer to each other and our lips finally meet. They are so soft against my own and I am so glad to be with him. I shouldn’t have let what others said about me get to me like that. I have the most amazing man in the world right here and I couldn’t be happier.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #245

“i fell asleep at the wheel again, crashed my car just to feel again.”

What is your favorite condiment to go with french fries? Ketchup. What do you have a habit of doing when engaging in a conversation with someone? Obsess over the appropriate amount of eye contact I make. What color is your mp3? Hot pink. Have you ever laid in a hammock? Yeup. Is there a song or lyrics currently super-glued in your head? "Popular Monster" by Falling In Reverse FUCK What can you go a day without doing? Uhhh a lot? I dunno... oh, drink water because I suck at that gah. I've gotten a lot better than I used to be tho. What can’t you go a day without doing? Touching some form of technology. Who do you spend most of your time with? Myself. Do you have a favorite classical composer? No. What type of quality is a must-have in a friend? Treat others with kindness. Are you any good at reading someone's body language? I definitely think so. What type of art would you hang up in your room? Lol I have some of my own... but let's say it was a clean slate again. I'd put some macabre/gothic art of some sort up, probably. Of COURSE with meerkats making an appearance. What fruit is too sweet to you? Hm, I'm blanking. What was the last contest you have ever won: Uhhhh... I think the giveaway of two Silent Hill: Revelation things? That was forever ago. What was the worst hair cut you have ever had in your entire life: Looking back, the haircut I had before this one (short on the left, faded into still rather long on the right) I don't really like anymore. Looks fine in some pictures, but not most. What was the worst thing you have ever worn in your life: Oh I don't know. Probably some dance costume. Do you like any sort of animes: Yeah, a handful. I'd honestly like to watch more. Have you ever used someone for your own benefits: I don't think so. What is the worst cartoon you have ever seen: Oh boy, idk. There's some dumb ones, a lot that I've only seen peeks of. Do you like to type or write more: TYPE. Writing physically can easily make my carpal tunnel act up. I hated having to hand-write a few essays last semester... I had to stop frequently to roll my wrists and cringe and stuff. What color would you have your skin if you could change it: I'd like pale skin like I have, but I wish it was more flawless/porcelain-ish. SOOOOOO pretty ahahhhhhhhhahhhhhh Do you usually cook your own meals, or does someone cook for you: I usually have to throw something together in the microwave because Mom's barely home, but when she is home, she cooks. If someone cooks for you, do you always thank them for it: YES. YES. NOT SAYING ANYTHING IS SO FUCKING DISRESPECTFUL. What do you do during the day: Almost without question, SOMEthing on technology/usually computer. As for what I do on technology, boy, a lot a lot. I don't even feel like listing it all. When you are online what do you normally find yourself doing: ... Oh, lmao. Uhhh binging YouTube, writing on or just checking up on KM, dA browsing/cleaning my drowning inbox, Facebook, "working" at the SH and SotC wikis, playing games, roaming Tumblr, check my emails, uhhhhhhh,,,, What is the most hated item you own: I wouldn't... keep it if I hated it? Uhhhh yeah, I honestly don't know. What is your favorite item you own out of all the items you have: My iPod, really. I have over 1k songs on this old-ass nano that I've had since middle school. I guess my laptop is kinda tied, but idk. Like, I don't love this laptop itself, just that it allows me to go online at a decent speed lmao. I guess they're my favorites in different ways. So, do you think that you will get where you want in life currently: Not stopping pushing for it 'til I get it. Why is that so. May I ask: I'm "too" determined. It's been a struggle getting to even where I am, but FUCK, I'm getting there. Do you like Halloween: I can't fwu if you don't. Has a teacher ever flirted with you? Not to my recollection. Is it okay for friends to kiss each other, as friends? Personally, I think a simple peck is fine IF that's your thing and it's mutually understood that it's platonic. Ex., I know greeting kisses are normal in some cultures, and I see no reason to shame it so long you're not like making out. Is it okay for girls to hit boys? Fuck no. Unless you're like fighting off an assailant/defending yourself, NO gender hits ANYONE. Do you know a lot of attractive boys personally? I've never thought about it? I'm not gonna dig through all the people I know rn... What happens if you realized you had a crush on somebody? More than anything, I'd be scared of being hurt again, particularly if it's a guy. So I definitely wouldn't make the first move. Do you think you are attractive? No. Which two of your friends would have the cutest baby together? I don't know. How do you feel about your naked body? DON'T COME AT ME WITH THIS QUESTION GO AWAY Have you ever been called obnoxious? No. At least, not to my memory. Do you wish you had a bigger family? No, but a more close-knit one. Which friend would you kiss full on the mouth, no questions asked? Sara. If somebody smacks your butt, you automatically say: I wouldn't say shit, I'd turn around and smack them across the face. How often does your family life conflict with your social life? Pretty much never. Have you ever been emotionally abused? No, thankfully. Do small children like you? They seem to, I guess. If karma is really true, should you be worried? Not very. What makeup do you wear on a daily basis? None. Do you have anything hidden in your room? Yeah, some saved money. What do you wish you were doing right now instead of this? It'd be great to talk to Sara. If you had a baby, would you want to have it at home or in a hospital? Oh I'm going to the fucking hospital for that epidural fren. If I even wanted kids. What was the last thing you ordered online? Uhhh good question. Have you ever had a bad experience with anti-depressants? If so, what? Well, actually the entire time I was ON anti-depressants. Because I'm bipolar, anti-depressants actually ramp up the aggression of bipolarity symptoms. How, I don't recall the science of, but I trust every word that comes out of my psychiatrist's mouth for many reasons. That definitely happened. One also made me gain weight, and the worst instance was in middle school when I was briefly on one that made me SO fucking hyper and happy in the morning but I crashed into an absolute bitchy monster by mid-afternoon. Now a combination of mood stabilizers helps both my bipolarity and depression immensely and are the main reason I'm alive. Are you allergic to any plants? I mean, I'm allergic to pollen. Are you an outdoors person? If the weather is cool, I love it. Does your past bother you? Some parts of it. Do you take risks or play it safe? I tend to play it safe. What forms of art do you like the best? This is an absolutely impossible question. "Art" has such an incredible range of forms, and I enjoy like... all. I guess the one thing I don't particularly care for is abstract art. What forms of art do you want to try? HYPERREALISM IN DRAWING. I REALLY wanna be able to draw/paint/whatever and make it look so true to life, BUT I'd like to add fantasy aspects to what I'm making (for example, my characters). I'd love to do portraits, too. This isn't really a "type" of art, but one thing I desperately want in art is to actually develop my own recognizable style that isn't just a wobbly attempt at realism with shitty proportions. What’s your favorite planet? Saturn's dope. Has a medication ever made you itch? No. What’s your favorite rainy day activity? Cuddle with snacks and like binge a good TV show/YT videos, etc. BUT considering I'm single I'ma just take a nap if I'm actually tired and you can hear the rain on the window. Do you put creamer in your tea? I wonder how many times I'll tell surveys I hate tea lmao by the end of my life lmao. What do you think are some good names for twins? I don't care enough to think about this. What are three things that fascinate you? Animal behavior (particularly social), the paranormal, and genetics. Would you say you live more in the past, present, or future? Present, I think. Have you ever been a victim of a crime? Not me personally, no, but my family. We had our basketball hoop stolen from our front yard and I was mega tilted yo. Does injustice make you angry? More like it infuriates me. Do you have the bad habit of procrastinating? Very badly. Are you afraid of running into a certain person in public? I both am and am not afraid of running into Jason. I have a very strong feeling I'd start having a PTSD episode (by that I mean hyperventilating, crying a bit, and shaking at the very least), but simultaneously I just want him to know I'm sorry. Do you have anyone you avoid? No. Do you have the same dreams now that you did as a kid? No. Who’s your crush? I don't really know if I have one right now. My old friend Ian and I started talking, and he's a fucking hilarious dude with similar ethics to mine with great compassion, but I still don't know him well enough to say I like-like him. I'm honestly just happy to have an irl friend again that actually talks to me regularly. Do you trust the government? I believe in WAY too many conspiracy theories to even try to convince anyone I trust the government lmao. Who do you want to meet in Heaven? I don't know exactly what sort of afterlife I believe in (it's not the traditional Heaven though), but I do believe that souls can reunite. The first thing I want to see again is Teddy. Does your school take sports too seriously? Considering we're well-respected in the sports field to the degree we draw in a huge number of foreign athletes, guess you could say yes lmao. Most of the people I even slightly know here came for sports. If there are bruises on your body, how did you get them? There aren’t. Would you ever go back in time to do something over again, but differently? Yes. Where did you kiss the last person you kissed? The airport. Have you thought about your wedding in detail? Not great detail, no. Do you think you could ever really kill someone? In self-defense, I know I could. Do you like Papa John’s pizza? I couldn't even guess the last time I had it. I don't remember. Do you attend school? Yeah. Do you call it a crush, or do you just say you like someone? The latter. Where were you when the ball dropped? In my bed asleep lmao. Where are your siblings? Probably all at work. Waffles, pancakes, or french toast? French toast. Do you ever judge people based on if they believe in God or not? Not really, but I WILL wonder to myself if you believe in some of the bullshit just about every religion has somewhere. Are you sometimes scared to express your opinions in fear of what others might think? YUP YUP YUP! Mainly irl tho. Have you ever painted your nails on only one hand, forgetting about the other one or getting side-tracked? No. Have you ever gone to one of those parties where everyone is falling around drunk everywhere? No. Been to one where everyone was high, though. Are you “the good guy”, or “the bad guy”, or somewhere in between? I'd hope the good guy. Do you ever erase the numbers off of surveys just because they annoy you? Ha ha yeah. Do you think you will have the same best friend a year from now? Yes. Do you have siblings over the age of twenty-one? Yes, all but one. What do you hear right now? "Another Life" by Motionless In White. Proud as fuck because this song was a MASSIVE PTSD trigger at first and even made me cry, but despite it still making me kinda uncomfortable, I can listen to and enjoy it now. If an ex said they hated you, what would you say? The only three people whose opinions would matter there would be Sara, Girt, and Jason. Sara and Jason would fucking break me, while I think Girt would of course make me cry, but I just. Wouldn't be surprised to lose another irl friend. I'd be so fucking hurt by any. OH YEAH, what would I say? I think Sara would have me speechless. I'd probably just choke out, "I don't blame you," to Jason. Girt, my first instinct pondering this was "are you serious?" because he's such a joker while my stomach dropped. What would you do if you found out your most recent ex was in a relationship? I'd be happy for her, but still feel kinda sad that it wasn't me. What do you think when someone kisses you on your forehead? If I like the person, I feel very comforted. It like... makes me feel small, safe, and permitted to just let my emotions loose, ex. be "allowed" to cry. What do you usually do right when you wake up? Check my phone to see the time. Truthfully, is there someone you used to date that you miss? I don't want to answer this. Do the math. Have you ever gotten burnt by a cigarette? No. Do you brush your teeth right away when you wake up? No. Have you ever made someone laugh when they were crying? Yeah. Would you date someone three years older than you? Yeah. Do you prefer to shower at night or in the morning? Actually as of recently, the morning. It's a nice way to start the day clean and energized. Could you handle living with the last person you texted? I'd love to live with her. Was the last book you read for fun, or was it for some type of assignment? It was assigned, but I loved it. Have you accomplished any goals you set for yourself this year so far? Not really? Well no, I think I'm being a less procrastinating student and also not fleeing so quickly from situations that invoke my anxiety. Are there still movie rental stores where you live or have they all gone out of business? SOBS Blockbuster come BACK we NEED u. What was the last thing to annoy you or make you upset? Eh, it was stupid and something that realistically isn't worth being annoyed by. I was SUPER bored and tired yesterday waiting for Mom to finish her field work while I waited in the library after classes, and I was so ready to go home, but she stayed longer than she thought she would. Do you think you would be a good match for your celebrity crush/es assuming you have one? Why? If you don’t have one, who was the last person you saw that you found attractive? Actually, not really. He's way too motivated and drawn to people who push forward and get shit done, and just in general at least from how I "know" him as a fan I could only realistically see us as friends. But a fangirl can dream ok just let me dream. When looking for something to watch on TV do you tend to pick shows you know you like, or try new shows that look interesting even though you’ve never heard of them before? I'll answer hypothetically if I watched TV: probably something I know I like. Might get adventurous every now and again and try something new, though, especially if it's on a channel I like. How old were you when you had your wisdom teeth removed? I haven't had to. I juuuuust slightly have enough room where I DID have them grow in. Where was the last job application you filled out sent to? Uhhh probably the deli, which I got and lasted for two hours my first work day lmao. Have you ever been fired from a job? No. What do people tell you your voice sounds like? I dunno, kinda deep for a girl and lacking an accent most of the time. What financial class are you? Lower. What poster is hanging closest to you? A huge Nightmare Before Christmas one. Are you more comfortable with men or women? Women. Would you go on a date with someone right now if they asked? Maybe if Ian did? Idk. It'd be a nice way to get to know more about each other, but I'd only agree to it after we talked a bit longer. Does your family keep tons of leftovers in the fridge? Not "a ton." Things we'll eat again though, yes. Favorite FRIENDS character? That is, if you like it. I haven't watched it. Are you thinking of getting another piercing? Where? Hell yes. Pretty sure next is collarbones if I could just lose a little bit more weight so they're more visible. Do you love when people remember little things about you? YES OMG!!!!!!!!!! Do you ‘bless’ strangers when they sneeze? Yes, I just think it's common good manner. Even though the reasoning behind it is whatever, it's a societal thing that I just go along with. How many phones have you gone through? Idk, not too many. Have you always lived in the house you currently reside in? No.

[chenlays]

for mi radish

ok so as of 9.29.17 that was our fIRST FRIEND ANNIVERSARY of one month wow I am CRUING

so I just love u so much I need to express through a 1065 slide power point

I would if I could :’)

OKAY so here r some things to make u happy n know I love u more than life itself 

n i’m sorry i didn’t post sooner or it isn’t as amazing as the one you made me, but just know i love you so much and i can’t wait to take bad pictures of u n throw shade and leave hyuck notes in ur room and house to make u feel happy that’s my dream omh

wow ur just so beautiful,,,how??

hyuck is drowning

I’m drowning

your beauty is endless and I am so amazed bc

like ur lil blemishes n crooked teeth and messy hair

SO CUTE

like wow they are just there and that’s yOU and I’m ?? So confused bc u say sometimes that ur ugly and I’m just ?? How

like nO ur “flaws” are so pure and beautiful within themselves n I LOVE

I mean idk if I was hyuck I wouldn’t even have to look twice to see that ur so pretty

Also I cannot wait to touch ur tummy and smoosh it n lay on it u titty

if u let me 🤧🤧

just wow I love u and ur face and ur body

They’re so beautiful

who iS paige I only know too perfect for hyuck

YOUR NAME AUTOCORRECTS TO THAT STILL IM CRUING

uR SO GOOD TO ME

lIke u make ocean stuff and I feel so happy n blessed

and when I call myself ugli u make me feel better

I still think I’m ugly tho sorry

And ur so cute bc u say ilY a lot

and that’s all I need omg

ur so extra tho with those sneak peeks

I cried a lot

u cARE ENOUGHT TO MAKE ALL THAT

I feel so loved n happy that u have done that

I JUST WANNA WRITE LILE 5K WORDS ABT PONG

You deserve so much pong snuffs 😤😤

but just being my friend and taking time out of your day to talk is just so nice to me

likE I’m so gross pls

WTFWVS

i also will sing to u some day bc i truST you with my life but i can’t do a capella sO idk i will learn how to sing my paige for u

omg u shy away but u actually love it that’s so cute and my heart is a fukin oven don’t think I don’t see those tags ᕦ(ò_óˇ)ᕤ

YOU’RE ALSO SO CUTE WITH HYUCK WHEN IS THE WEDDING 👀👀

frick im in pain from these razor burns and my back hurts n my legs are sore but i nEED to supply you with my everlasting love

ok so i know i say hyuck is ugly and all that

but wow i cry whenever u get soft for him its so cute 

just,,,yes please do yell abt his hair n his cheeks n his eyes

yell all u want bc i’m always listening and i am literally always on my phone bc i don’t have anything better to do other than c ry 

but yes pls do scream about how u wanna marry him and date him

I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE YOU IRL

JUST IMAGINING YOUR VOICE WHEN YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT HIM

OR HOW YOUR EYES PROBABLY LIGHT UP

IM GONNA CRY BECAUSE YOU’RE SO BEAUTIFUL AND I BET YOU UNLEASH UR FULL POTENTIAL WHEN SOMEONE SAYS HYUCK

I WANNA VIDEO CHAT W YOU ALL THE TIME AND SCREAM ABT PONG BUT I CANT AND I’M SAD :((

ok but,,,pls marry hyuck he doesn’t deserve you but you love him anyway smh

you are just so good and cute and you love ur dogs and are doing cook soul and i’M always proud of you and i always wanna hug you,,even if it’s just for safely getting to your bed without all those spooks

i jUST wanna be with you and yell in ur ear abt chenle as u yell in mine while we hug n cry,,,my dream

i am so soft for u smh pls never change “hi i’m yuta,, welcome to chili’s” or i will CRY it’s my fav by you,,,also the fact that u watched like 5 of those green pornos i can’t bREATHE

OK SORRY IF I DON’T APPRECIATE YOU ENOUGH BUT I’M BAD AT WORDS AND I JUST WANNA WRITE U HYUCKS BC I KNOW IT MAKES U HAPPY

hyuck is really gross compared to u and ilysm pls realize this

a nice soft couple kMS

he loves u so much,, and he better or i will kick him >:(((

so he is sad ofc people get sad

and he wHIPS out that phone so fast to text you

“hELLO my beautiful, amazing, cute, adorable, sweet, bby 💖”

“WTf do u want :)))”

“COME A ND cuddle u fuk”

and ur runnin and he feels so blessed bc he needs u and he loves you kns

so when u get there he has ur favs,, like some tea or lil fruit snacks chenle

and he has them on the table in front of the couch and has a movie on to distract him, but now that you’re there he is already 10x better

so he dRAGS u to the couch and since ur so tiny,, he pulls u into him and literally encases u and has his head on urs and a nice cute lil smile

like,,he looks so soft n content when his leg is trapping u and u can’t even move ur arms wtf dude

but u snuggle up to him anyways and are warm n it’s really nice to feel like that

n if u want ur fruit snaccs,, he just reaches over n then moves so he can feed u :”o

leaves the grape flavored ones for last bc he probably hates them don’t eat chenle thx

and he just g r i n s when he does bc wOW ur so cute his whole body aches

how can someone,, just anyone,, b this cute

he is so lucky >:(((

then when u wanna nap finally, he makes u more comfortable and pets ur hair probs and puts ur face in his chest A WGWH

and is just shielding you from nOTHING 

just wants you to feel safe n loved

also sings rly softly because he knows ur a ho for his vocals

literally just snobs himself to sleep bc ur so cute with ur messy hair n small smile bc ur happy

uGSHds i need to send pics to him when ur married

“wow look at this loser she’s wearing ur sweater”

but he would think that’s so cute and would send me like 897847894876 heart emojis and i’d block him

but then i would feel bad n ask him to send 68 paragraphs on how much he loves u so i can print them all out and leave them on ur doorstep

nct st will be a blast and i will make sure hyuck treats u right bc that’s the only way u deserve to be treated

liKE A Q U E E N

ur a titty tho

when u get married i’ll make chenle screech uR fav bc them vocals 👅😩😩🔥😍💦💦👏

CAN I WRITE MARRIAGE HCS THX

wow i think he would be really extra when he wants to propose to u pls be at least 624 when u get married thx!!!

takes you to a very beautiful spot in japan or even somewhere in europe if you don’t care being that far from ur home at nct st🤧🤧

so he would take u to a really pretty garden park thingy in early fall when it’s just getting cold and the flowers aren’t wilting,,,and walk around and watch as you get happy bc of the fish ponds and puppies people are walking n dOZENS of rainbows gay icon

and he would hold ur hand n smile so bIG when u pull him towards something n yell abt it

constantly says you’re more beautiful whenever you say a flower is pretty

“oMG hyuck this is so pretty im wheezin”

“your beauty is far more ethereal ;o”

ur heart busts a nut even on the 673rd one bc binch he is so amazing

then after u walk through the park and suffer many encounters of him protecting you from thirty seven butterflies and literally squaring up,,he walks you to a nice cozy cafe cAFE BOY HYUCK and pays for a nice hot chocolate 

asks the barista to put a heart in it and pink marshmallows and is rUSHING to grab it so he can give it to you

goes up to you at the table while ur texting or scrolling istg u better update me abt the adventures on ur hyuck holidays and has the softest and most heartwarming smile you have ever seen

and he is trying to speak so he can show you the hot chocolate before the marshmallows melt and he just ca n t bc ur so beautiful just lookin at him and he’s shaking 

but he ends up putting it on the table and being really cheesy n putting a hand on ur cheek n smooching ur forehead bc he’s highkey gonna scream if he has to explain

but ur in love with him and you just laugh n admire the cute lil pinkies and the heart and then look up at him and he’s sweatin bc fuk ur so ethereal and he is nervous abt the day

and he is internally screaming every second bc ur so clueless n u just want to love him like every day and have a nice relaxing vacation after everything on nct st it’s rly stressful

i’ll call u some time n just “i fukin swear noodle man won’t sNOp throwing noodles at sheema and chenle im so scared to go outside pls come home”

as ur drinking the hot coc o,,he’s deep in thought n messing with his hair or looking stressed n ur worried bc,, it’s supposed to be a nice week long vacation full of fun n r e l a x n he’S STRESSIN G

so u almost throw what’s left of the drink bc ur worried n snatch his hand n,,, “hYCUk what’s wrong??????????????????????”

and w o w he brightens up so quick when he hears u and literally becomes the sun and his eyes are like fukin LIGHTS 

but he just says he is alright because it has to be a perfect day for you 😤😤

and he lets you finish ur drink while ur still lowkey worried but he makes himself look happy i mean, he is but he’s nervous fuk even tho he is still about to explode

so when ur done n ur smiling at his cuteness,, he throws ur cup away and dRAGs you outside n u walk for a while n go slow so u can enjoy each other n just hold hands n talk abt whatever is on ur minds

until like 256428 steps later yOU turn the corner n there’s a big ass aquarium and yOURE LITERALLY SC R E AMING

ur running to the doors so fast to see all the pretty fish n sharks n stingrays

ur like a little kid i BET and it’s so pure and adorable oh my god

but hyuck is struggling to restrain you

“sweetie pls i have to pay first”

and then u calm down once he pays n grabs ur hand so u can take all the time u want to scream abt the tiny starfish who just wants to be free

but i doubt he would take u to one where the animals are suffering bc he’s sweet n values ur love for the ocean

but u are looking literally everywhere and he’s tearing up bc ur smiling so wide n ur with hyuck and he’s keeping ur hand warm and j ust looking at u so fondly instead of where he paid to look smh

but u drag him to a lil tiny red fish and it’s so small and energetic n ur like,, “wow bby that fish reminds me of ur good years”

he sighs but agrees tbh

“i’m still hot wym”

but u also see fish that are so beautiful n ur talking about how they remind u of him n he’s gonna SCREAM bc nothing can be prettier than u wtf

he doesn’t say anything tho bc he wants u to keep looking at the flashy colors and how happy or sad or cute they look and just doesn’t want to look away from u bc he is so in love and who knew that looking at fish could make someone so amazingly beautiful i did tbh

n sadly,,,you walk to a different section and go :o at the tiny sharks n how blep they look,, just swimmin with >:0 blep

but u hig h ke y almost scream bc there’s some little kids who r pressing their faces to the glass bc there’s really pretty otters and the otters r just zoomin and playing with each other n having fun bc they r happy

hyuck is shaking at the excitement

u take out ur phone n send pics to the nct st mom gc and all of us respond in .7 seconds,,,even ally smh she’s so busy n inactive i love her,,,abt how amazing an otter is

jade has it as her background on everything in less that 5 seconds 

but as ur also pressing ur face to the glass,, hyuck points out two otters that r really cute n swimming together and u look so fast and squeal at them

hyuck is a cheesy fuk poetic “ahh those remind me of us wow they r so cute”

u wanna smacc but he looks so soft n precious,,,u just can’t ruin his softness

it’s like a full 3 minutes before u move to the dolphins n make fun of chenle smh meet me behind mcdonalds at 4am if u wanna roast my poor bub bc ur just tearing up at how happy and loving he looks,,,my aesthetic is hyuck looking at u with nothing but love in his eyes bc ur the cutest and best thing for him n he is so glad to have met u all those years ago n live with u on nct st n love u forever,, even tho sometimes he has to wake up at 6am bc me n lele r shiverign in the basement bc noodle man is trying to murder or even tho a keet gets stuck in ur room and it’s trying so hard to go back h o m e and i’m sobbing in the driveway bc i lost 1/23 keets n he wants to kill me bc i’m calling him ugly n he’s callin me ugly constantly and i’m annoyin  g but he can’t bc u love meeee

but wow he would go through the worst for u i’m gonna cry

but it’s a lil late when u get back to ur hotel i assume with dozens of pictures n 800+ messages from me tbh abt ur safety n how i don’t want his ugly to rub off on you,, but u r exhausted n ready to sleep n cuddle even if it’s like 7pm 

bUT WAIT

hyuck is askin u to get up so h e can like,,,talk to u better

n he is so 

ugly bc highkey screaming 

ur hair is a lil messy from a long day n ur barely smiling bc u wanna cuddle n ur slouching maybe

but h e thinks ur the most beautiful thing ever n just holds ur face n smooches u all over for 90 minutes until u r laughing n telling him to sNOP

n then he just looks at u so lovingly while ur eyes r shining from that n ur smile is so wide n bIG and he just fukin whips out a power rangers ring n 

“bab ily so much n i wanna b with u for the rest ofm y life pls marry me :D “

u fukin SCREAM 

“ok i would but u have  a fukcinh power rangers ring that cost 2 cents”

“sI K E” n he pulls out a real ring n throws the power rangers one away,, he rly wanted to actually use it but couldnt waste an entire 80 paychecks so u get married w a fukin toy on ur finger

but he is in t ea r s n hugs u so good after u got that $$$swag money$$$ ring on and u r screeching n begging for cuddles and love and ofc he provides n cuddles u to death while still hugging so good and petting ur hair n singing u some old stuff that u really like n then talking with u abt ur future n how u wanna murder me bc i still call him ugly

but ur just so adorable and cute and i’m sobbing bc what a fukin sweetheart

n when u fall asleep he jUSt stays up a little later bc he can’t snop thinking abt how lucky he is n how amazing u are

“blessed by gucci jesus”

n he woNt snop smiling and he just can’t wait to love u forever n see ur smile every day n sing for u all the time n hug u n make u dinner n breakfast n leave cute lil notes in ur lunch for work or send like 800 word messages abt how he wants u to have a good day n think of him if ur sad,,,so pure i want to yell abt poNG

@pcypaige ILYSM AND I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE YOU AND HUG YOU SO TIGHT U DI E BUT THEN I WILL REVIVE U WITH HYUCK PHOTO CARDS OMGMGM ILY SOSOSOSOSOSOOSOSOSOSOSOSOSOSOOSOSOSO MUCH AN D IM SCREAMIGN 

[soleil825]

tagged by @omuii tysm my dude!

Rules: Answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people

LAST:

1. Drink: that h2o 2. Phone call: myself bc i lost my phone 3. Text message: to a groupchat- “wowie kazowie” 4. Song you listened to: there you are by pogo 5. Time you cried: last month sometime i think?¿

HAVE YOU: 6. Dated someone twice: noo 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: ya 8. Been cheated on: god i hope not but probably 9. Lost someone special: yeah 10. Been depressed: haha 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: no but i’ve helped my friends out when they did

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: 12-14: pink, light yellow, white

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU: 15. Made new friends: yeah actually!! 16. Fallen out of love: unfortunately 17. Laughed until you cried: ohyhup 18. Found out someone was talking about you: no not this year yet 19. Met someone who changed you: not this year but i got closer to them this year 20. Found out who your friends are: ya definitely 21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: no

GENERAL: 22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: all of em 23. Do you have any pets: none that i see regularly 24. Do you want to change your name: my mom has always wanted me to, i really do not know 25. What did you do for your last Birthday: went to the inner harbour w my friends and had a wonderful time eating sushi and bitching about people by the water 26. What time did you wake up: around 7:45 this morning 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: going 2 bed 28. Name something you can’t wait for: near future- seeing my friends in colorado!! long term- happiness 29. When was the last time you saw your mom: like 40 minutes ago she gave me a burrito and vanished into the basement 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: my inteligence/grades? 31. What are you listening right now: well slide by calvin harris is stuck in my head and my ceiling fan is making quite a racket but i am not currently listening to anything 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: ya my cousin’s grandpa is named tom he calls me hellraiser not sure why 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: my own bullshit and also my own anxiety and stress over nothing 34. Most visited website: google chrome says pokemon showdown, tumblr, my etsy store, r/skincareaddiction, my soundcloud, r/friendsbalt, & ebay

LOST QUESTIONS. I JUST PUT IN RANDOM INFO ABOUT ME 35. Mole/s: one on my shoulder, one on my butt and i have random freckly beauty marks all over me 36. Mark/s: the most prominent ones include the scar on my chin, the dot on my chin and the parallelogram of freckles on my right shoulder 37. Childhood dream: a professional ballerina! (lmao i wish)  38. Hair color: basically blakc 39. Long or short hair: used to be hella long but i cut it last september so it’s shoulder-length now 40. Do you have a crush on someone: not exactly a specific person, i just really want a s/o 41. What do you like about yourself: i have really nice eyelashes, and i think i’m pretty okay at dance 42. Piercings: i had 4, 2 in each earlobe, but the second one in my left ear got infected and i had to let it close up- planning on re-piercing once the scar tissue chills out a little tho 43. Blood type: B+ 44. Nickname: most commonly used- lena, len 45. Relationship status: single and really pressed about it 46. Zodiac: that two faced bitch (gemini) 47. Pronouns: she/her 48. Favorite TV Show: gravity falls, M*A*S*H, chopped, ghost adventures, the haunted, assorted animes that i will not get into right this moment

49. Tattoos: none but i would get some if i wasn’t such a FUCKING PUSSY lmao 50. Right or left hand: i’m a lefty! w writing/eating/basic tasks at least. my throwing hand is right though 51. Surgery: i had a dental surgery once 52. Hair dyed in different color: it has been dip-dyed pink, and also pink/purple/blue/green it was very galaxy-ish 53. Sport: dance!!!!! and i played volleyball for like 5 years 55. Vacation: i’ve been all over but i really wanna go to canada/alaska or santorini, greece 56. Pair of trainers: i have a pair of those adidas superstars that everyone wears now but they’re cute and hella comfy so those are my mains but i recently got some white ones from h&m that are nice too

MORE GENERAL: 57. Eating: i just ate a burrito but ya 58. Drinking: nada 59. I’m about to: stay up later than intended but sleep, hopefully 61. Waiting for: my ebay order to come, my ipsy glam bag, my back to stop hurting, the colorado trip, my boss to call me back 62. Want: $$$$$$$$$$$$$$ and also to get into cornell (but it’s not gonna happen) 63. Get married: idk it seems scary as hell and i’m a baby so nah not on the horizon or in my mind at all 64. Career: anything in science- preferrably biochem or earth sciences?? idk i love sCIEncE 

WHICH IS BETTER 65. Hugs or kisses: kiss kiss fall in love 66. Lips or eyes: eyes 67. Shorter or taller: uh taller but that’s difficult because i am kinda tall 68. Older or younger: older usually but it’s not really a factor it just sort of happens 70. Nice arms or nice stomach: im sure both are good either way 71. Sensitive or loud: idk probably loud since i’m also loud 72. Hook up or relationship: oh man relationship definitely hook-ups just make me sad and feel awful i learned that the hard way lmao kms 73. Troublemaker or hesitant: i’m a hesitant trouble-maker

HAVE YOU EVER: 74. Kissed a Stranger: not that i know of 75. Drank hard liquor: ohya 76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: i lose everything including contacts multiple times 77. Turned someone down: i mean not directly...? 78. Sex on the first date: nah 79. Broken someone’s heart: again, i hope not 80. Had your heart broken: i guess 81. Been arrested: noo 82. Cried when someone died: yhup 83. Fallen for a friend: its all i fucking do lol

DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 84. Yourself: i wish i did 85. Miracles: to an extent i guess??? 86. Love at first sight: not really 87. Santa Claus: i’m hindu 88. Kiss on the first date: idk i kiss everyone so it’s not like a super intimate thing for me u feel

OTHER: 90. Current best friend name: uhhh i love all my friends equally honestly i guess jc would be at the top since i’ve known her the longest and she puts up with me? but also maggie, mao, tricie, alex, kai, caroline, ben 91. Eye color: really dark brown 92. Favorite movie: i really don’t watch movies idk why but probably princess mononoke, the jungle book, or kung fu panda LMAO i’m uncultured as FUCK but oh yea throw in a bunch of bollywood movies too

NOW, TAG 20 PEOPLE: i’m lazy so i’m not going to but feel free to do this and say i tagged u!!

[othll]

every odd question because I too am extra

yikes yikes yikes this is going under a readmore because this is a lot also rip mobile users i’m sorry

1. Put your iTunes on shuffle. Give me the first 6 songs that pop up.

I mean i already did this one but it changes with each shuffle so it’s whatever

Miami by Ariane Moffatt— i downloaded it over the summer when i was in Quebec and it makes me think of then it was such a good time i miss it aw

Car Radio by Twenty One Pilots— i am an unapologetic fan of my ukulele scream boys ok

Cliff’s Edge by Hayley Kiyoko— HA GAYYYY

Dead Girl Walking (Reprise)— again by a bunch of fuckin people because it’s from Heathers: The Musical WHAT WERE YOU EXPECTING

Fools by Troye Sivan— honestly??? Bless him i love troye

Life Lesson by dodie— my fave what a gal i love her w all my heart she is so???? I could go on for hours about dodie clark

3. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.

But i don't wanna moooove the closest book to me is Tipping the Velvet which is that gay one that I’ve been reading if that tells you anything so it’s probably something to do with the main character being Gay™

5. Ever had a poem or song written about you?

Not that i know of!!

7. What's your religion?

Don’t have one my dude

9. Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?

I associate stuff that i’m into with points in time in my life and like… this is such a stereotypically emo response but probably fob and 21p because i was really into them when i was like 13/14 and that was like… when i really and genuinely wanted to die and i’d like to think that their music among other things (my own cowardice potentially, not necessarily a bad thing) is part of why i’m still here.

11. Do you believe in karma?

Yeah but not like “if you do bad things then the almighty god(s) will make you pay” more like, if you’re shitty to someone they’re gonna be shitty back cause that’s just how people work.

13. What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?

Weakness would be like… anxiety probably, cause it’s stopped me from doing a lot of things and talking to a lot of people and it’s getting better over time i think (generally speaking, it’s very fluctuate-y so honestly idk) but there are days when it’s really bad and just!! Stops me from doing stuff and that causes me regretStrength would be, hm.. I’ve learned to force myself to do things pretty well, i think. A lot of the time it’s like.. Forcing myself to talk to people that intimidate me (a lot of people intimidate me yikes) and forcing myself to do homework that i don’t want to do/don’t have the motivation to do because Depression™ but as with anxiety it seems to be (maybe) getting (sort of) better???

15. How do you vent your anger?

Oh boy, i don’t. If i even get so much as frustrated— i.e. pre-anger— my brain throws me into a pit of self-loathing so deep that all i can do is cry because i’m! Really! Bad! At! Processing! Emotion!!!That was really sad i’m sorry a lot of these are sad questions rip

17. Are you happy with the person you've become?

In some aspects, definitely. I’ve pushed myself enough to become an involved student leader and i FINALLY figured out what university i want to go to— past emma started having panic attacks about that when she was 12 so finally getting that shit sorted is BIG for her ok— and i can speak two languages which is super cool and i’ve finally figured my sexuality out which is neat and like…. I have friends and that was quite the foreign concept to my younger self because i was pretty alienated as a little kid for a while there cause i was a little weirdo and now to have MULTIPLE GROUPS of friends is like.. Wow.. beyond my past self’s  wildest dreams. While i know i still have a lot of growing to do, i’m happy with the progress i’ve made so far, definitely.

19. What's your biggest "what if"?

Already answered!!

21. Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.

Right: my cat, he’s asleep right beside me— well, not asleep anymore because i just booped his head with my handLeft: nothing tbh

23. What's the worst place you have ever been to?

Anywhere that my dad was at the same time as me lmao

25. To you, what is the meaning of life?

Enjoying yourself and finding success— whatever success means to you personally.

27. What was the last movie you saw?

In general i don’t remember because it was probably some random movie on TV, but seeing-in-theatres-wise it was Fantastic Beasts!!

29. Do you have any obsessions right now?

Hayden…. My dude….. My guy….. U know EXACTLY what i’m gonna say…… i’m not even gonna write it because you KNOW….. EVERYONE knows…….

31. Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

Yeah lmao i’m lowkey a petty-ass bitch

33. What's the last thing you purchased?

The last thing that i got was a new bullet journal for second semester but my mom bought that technically— the last thing i actually bought was my rugby jacket!!

35. In a relationship?

Nah relationships are weird, I just got out of one fairly recently and— while it was on good terms and went fairly smoothly— i still don’t feel like i’m in the position to get into another one quite yet.

37. What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?

I don’t have one tbh if someone doesn't like me as me then it isn't worth it— my cat maybe???

39. What were you doing last night at 12 AM?

Honestly??? I was asleep, yesterday was a lot with school and D&D and it was lit but i ended up pretty tuckered out!!

41. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?

I would like…. Draw attention to the fact that there was a drowning dog and try my best to get someone to save it but like…….. I don’t wanna get fired my dude

43. What's a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?

Anything from Quebec because that was such a good time ahhhhAlso anything with ukuleles i love ukuleles

45. How can I win your heart?

Be cute and into cats and also girls that too cause like… yeah…. And just have similar interests!!Also i love people that are patient, not just with me but with people generally. It’s a really admirable trait, and it’s something that someone would need with me because i’m TERRIBLE at articulating myself vocally and it takes me a while to sort out how i want to convey things, especially when the conversation is emotional/serious.

47. What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?

Going to Quebec for that thing that i did over the summer. It was just— words cannot describe how amazing it was, the people were amazing, the stuff i got to do was amazing, I fell in love with Quebec all over again and got to practice my second language in an immersive— but supportive!!— setting, what’s not to love?

49. Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word "heart."

Can you hear,,,,,, my HEART BEAT

51. What is your current desktop picture?

Already answered!!

53. What would be a question you'd be afraid to tell the truth on?

Probably something along the lines of “Are you happy/doing well/etc.” not because the answer is ALWAYS negative but it’s just… very unpredictable the answer changes very frequently and while sometimes the answer is a genuine “yes,” some other potential answers could raise a bit of concern….

55. You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

Nothing, i would totally fuck something up and cause a butterfly effect so i’m not even gonna choose anything. I choose to not do that no thanks

57. You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?

No one!! That would be weird!!!! I wouldn't want to sleep with someone that i barely know and am infatuated with!!!!! That’s weird!!!!!!!! ew!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

59. Ever been on a plane?

Yep!! I went to Cuba back in 2011, and then I flew to Quebec and back this past summer. They were like, six and two hour flights, respectively.

this took eight years honestly kms bye

[mrmichaelchadler]

Bright Wall/Dark Room January 2019: The Year of the Death Wish by Fran Hoepfner

We are pleased to offer an excerpt from the latest edition of the online magazine, Bright Wall/Dark Room. Their latest issue discusses the best in film and television from 2018. In addition to Fran Hoepfner's piece below on "Mission: Impossible - Fallout" and "Free Solo," they also have new essays on "First Reformed," "Eighth Grade," "Annihilation," "Support the Girls," "Burning," "Cold War," "Mandy," "The Haunting of Hill House," "Schitt's Creek," "The Mule," "Jinn," "Disobedience," and more. 

You can read our previous excerpts from the magazine by clicking here. To subscribe to Bright Wall/Dark Room, or look at their most recent essays, click here.

There’s a fight scene in the first hour of Mission: Impossible — Fallout that takes place in a bathroom at an EDM party. I know, I know, you’re already sold. It was no doubt the highlight of the trailer, with an oft-gif’d moment of Henry Cavill’s Agent August Walker pumping his arms as if they were loaded guns (and who am I to say they’re not) before he punches a man in the face. It’s great, it’s comical. It’s the type of image you use to react to people on Twitter who say something wrong about a movie you like.

What drew me in, what sold me, really, 100 percent, on Fallout occurs just moments later when Walker is half-unconscious on the bathroom floor, and Ethan Hunt (Tom Cruise, a martyr, maybe, but we’ll get there), panting, looks up at the assassin who just clocked his associate. Hunt knowshe has to get up. He knows he has to take this guy down. He knows he has to finish the fight. But before he does it, he sighs and rolls his eyes. And not a blink-and-you-miss-it eyeroll, the type you sneak by your extended family during a long holiday meal. I’m talking a full 360 degrees eyeroll, baby. Isn’t that just the way it is sometimes? Or even most of the time? To get back up, to fight through it all, isn’t it the most annoying fucking thing in the world?

“Your mission should you choose to accept it,” Walker sneers, throwing the conceit of the entire franchise back at Ethan. “Isn’t that the thing?” That is the thing. The impossible missions of the Mission Impossible franchise are entirely optional. At any given time, they—and Hunt, specifically, and his scrappy can-do attitude—can choose to not accept. And yet, with an eye roll, no less, he gets back up onto his feet and runs full-speed into the man who wants him dead.

I have for several years now held onto a belief that every Tom Cruise movie is about death—the fear of, the desire for, the fight against. I say this not as a diehard Cruise fan (and truthfully, it feels almost entirely unethical to write about him in 2018) or even a Cruise completist, but where there’s smoke, there’s often fire. And even if not every Cruise vehicle aligns with my flippant theory, the Mission: Impossible franchise has certainly evolved to become more death-defying than ever before. Set against the Fast & Furious franchise—different, I know—and its increasing hyper-reliance on CGI for its stunts and locations, the Mission: Impossible movies and their penchant for making everything as real as it can be feel downright old school. And knowing that, it’s tough to watch Mission: Impossible — Fallout, and it’s even tougher to watch Cruise motorcycling sans helmet through the frantic roadways of Paris and not think, this guy is going to die making these movies.

//

I got into a bad habit this year where I became almost too reliant on the texting acronym “kms.” It stands for “kill myself.” Never did I use it to be anything but flippant. I promise it was never a threat. Rather it became an emotional crutch throughout what I’ll politely refer to as an emotional and turbulent year. There was some sort of creature comfort in responding to each subsequent blow by referring to all of it as “real kms hours.” It is hard to articulate what I mean by this, and I dedicated too much time throughout the year patiently telling those closest to me that this was just the way I communicated, and not indicative of any cry for help. For what it’s worth, most of my close friends seemed to hate this. It drove them insane, and I’m not proud of it. “Can you please not…say that?” they’d patiently ask. And I knew I shouldn’t. I knew it was bad. But what I meant, truly, any time I would respond to something with a tongue-in-cheek “kms” was not unlike the feeling of rolling one’s eyes before getting up and tackling a guy to the ground. There’s a death wish—embedded, floating, amorphous, invisible—but I’m gonna barrel on anyway.

//

National Geographic Documentary Films

It is sort of impossible to talk about guys with death wishes in film in the year 2018 without talking about Free Solo. The rock climbing documentary, directed by Jimmy Chin and Elizabeth Chai Vasarhelyi, centers around 31-year-old rock climber Alex Honnold as he attempts to solo El Capitan in Yosemite National Park. Apologies for all of the proper nouns. Free soloing, for those unfamiliar, as I was before I saw this documentary, is a lone ascent up a rock face with no ropes. To phrase it so formally feels like a disservice. The dude climbs up cliffs with nothing.

//

(Let me tell you a non-secret: Men are insane!)

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The plot of Mission: Impossible — Fallout is both incoherent and deceptively straightforward. An attempt to procure three plutonium cores before they are sold to a terrorist organization called the Apostles is, easily put, botched. In lieu of letting his teammate Luther (Ving Rhames) die, Ethan Hunt lets these cores get into the hands of the Apostles. The rest of the film (where twists and turns abound, of course) is a mad dash across the globe to get these cores back so the Apostles don’t use them to make nuclear bombs. Simple enough, right? That Ethan let the bombs get into the hands of terrorists rather than lose a member of his team haunts him throughout the film, and this mistake (if you consider it one) pushes him to greater and greater heights—both physically and emotionally—to make up for what he’s done.

Alan Hunley (Alec Baldwin), Hunt’s handler, as he sends Hunt on his mission, tells him: “Some flaw deep in your core being simply won’t allow you to choose between one life and millions. Now you see that as a sign of weakness. To me, that’s your greatest strength.” It’s said appraisingly of Hunt, but it doesn’t feel entirely accurate. Hunt is constantly choosing millions over the one life—the life in most cases just isn’t that of his teammates, but himself. The extent and frequency at which Hunt puts his life on the line is wildly irresponsible. Before you tell me that’s the premise of the franchise, trust me, I’m aware that’s the premise of the franchise. But in Fallout, the structure feels changed, altered. There’s a tragic undercurrent. He has to keep going. He’s not trying to die, but it’s also the job.

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Jimmy Kimmel, in speaking to Henry Cavill on the press tour for the film said, “I was getting angry watching [Cruise] do these stunts in this movie because it seems just irresponsible at this point.” Moments later: “Is he nuts? Is he out of his mind? Does he have a death wish?”

“You know what,” Cavill says, only half-certain (no matter what his jawline tricks you into thinking about his tone of voice), “you would assume so…”

“Yes!”

“But he doesn’t,” Cavill explains, before elaborating how good Cruise is at these stunts, which, if I’m being totally honest, seems entirely besides the point.

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Free Solo is not, if you can believe me, “about” death; it’s about perfection. I know, I know: it’s easy to look at someone climbing up a cliff and decide they’re doing it because they want to die. Tommy Caldwell, Honnold’s friend and something of a mentor to him, explains: “Imagine an Olympic gold medal-level athletic achievement that if you don’t get that gold medal, you’re gonna die. That’s pretty much what free soloing El Cap is like. You have to do it perfectly.”

Part of what makes Free Solo such a compelling watch is that it dives so thoroughly into Honnold’s training process for soloing El Cap. Day after day, he gets up onto the rock, practicing sequences (“pitches”) over and over again until they don’t seem quite as scary. Except, obviously, they’re still extremely scary. It’s still a 3,000-foot vertical ascent with no sense of security whatsoever. Honnold says to the camera, “[T]here’s a satisfaction in challenging yourself and doing something well. That feeling is heightened when you’re for sure facing death. You can’t make a mistake. If you’re seeking perfection, free soloing is as close as you can get. And it does feel good to feel perfect. Like for a brief moment.”

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Maybe you know this, maybe you don’t: Tom Cruise broke his ankle filming Mission: Impossible — Fallout. The footage, or a fraction of it, makes it into the finished movie. Hunt is running along a series of rooftops in central London, leaping across alleyways with all of the grace of a big cat, until he misses the mark for one, slams his body against the edge of the wall. He eases himself up over the ledge and hobbles ahead on a shattered ankle. Hunt trucks along, as does Cruise. For a moment, they’re one and the same. A man determined, grimacing, pushing forward.

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I read tweets all the time that talk about the loose fascination we all seem to have with threatening to die or promising to die or saying we want to die. I’m generalizing. Your feed could be a lot brighter than mine. Regardless, it’s tough to not feel like we exist on the precipice of the apocalypse, if not already somewhat submerged in it. (If nothing else, the end of the world is fucking boring.) And to be flippant about death gives us, maybe, maybe!, a sense of control. Yet, I don’t think the political/economical/environmental circumstances are the same as flattening the language we use around death these days. I’m forced to quote Honnold in Free Solo and echo: “Look, I don’t want to fall off and die either.” We don’t joke about this because we want it, really. He doesn’t. I don’t. It’s just that it feels so unavoidable that there are fewer and fewer ways to react. The inevitability of death feels unavoidable and unfair and helpless and horrible, so why not come face to face with it? Even for a second?

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Walker punches Ethan Hunt in the face. “Why won’t you just die?” he spits.

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I have done about as much as I can do this year to not take care of myself. I mean this more emotionally than physically. Well, physically too. It was the year of no sleep or too much sleep, no food or too much food. I thought giving up an air conditioner would be a sign of physical strength, and I wound up with a heat rash. And in a recklessness that I can only describe as “theoretically romantic yet profoundly irresponsible,” I only escalated this harmfulness in my personal life. I sent the one in the morning text. A few too many of them, to be honest. I dug up the bodies of relationships long gone and buried for good reason. No one I haven’t spoken to in three years should be able to make me cry, and yet—. It was the first year I can recall knowing there are people who no longer want to be in the same room as me. To appease my loneliness, I scrounged my past in search of answers. There will be clues, I figured, easter eggs, for why things were the way they were. Why I am the way I am. In the heat and humidity of my un-air-conditioned bedroom, I wondered if I had always been so doomed?

I told a friend about something stupid I wanted to do, something I thought would be “good,” in scare-quotes, because I really meant bad, and they said, “that would be compelling if you hadn’t already done that this year.” Another go on El Cap. Another entry in the franchise. These things do get repetitive sometimes.

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The truly harrowing footage in Free Solo—and this is a bold claim to make about a movie that centers around a man alone on a cliff without a rope—are the interviews with those closest to Honnold trying their best to make sense of his drive to solo El Cap. Or solo, in general. His mother, his girlfriend, even the production crew for the film itself. Jimmy Chin, the director, explains as evenhandedly as one can, “It’s hard to not imagine your friend Alex soloing something that’s extremely dangerous and you’re making a film about it which might put undue pressure on him to do something,” and here, Chin’s hand simply lowers, “and him falling through the frame.”

The weight of gravity haunts the film, a spectre. An inevitability. Mikey Schaefer, a climber and cameraperson on Free Solo, spends the majority of Honnold’s climb with his back to the camera and his hands over his eyes. I was able to stomach the film without looking away, but I felt all the liquid in my body sweat out through my palms. Walking out of the theater, a friend (a different one, I have at least two friends) turned to me and said, “We’re gonna live to see Alex Honnold die, aren’t we?”

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Tom Cruise laughs at the footage of his ankle breaking on Graham Norton as Simon Pegg looks away in fear and disgust. Look, he’s insane! Cruise, I mean. I know it! You know it! The movie is still good! Watching Cruise by which I mean Hunt but I really mean Cruise get up onto that broken ankle and run across London was exhilarating. Thrilling. In the theater, I remember laughing. It’s ridiculous, this impulse. I can’t think of another way to face it.

Later in Fallout, as Hunt mans a helicopter—a vehicle this character is not known to know how to pilot, and that Cruise learned how to fly in order to make this film—art imitates life: Benji (Simon Pegg) tells Ilsa Faust (Rebecca Ferguson), “I find it best not to look.”

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It does not seem like a coincidence to me that men get the luxury of hurtling towards death with an unrelenting eagerness. Honnold’s girlfriend, Sanni McCandless, confronts him about his intent to solo El Capitan without telling her first.

“I want to have this more holistic approach,” McCandless says, “like you have where you’re like, ‘we’re all gonna die, might as well do what we want while we’re here and it’s okay when people die,’ but I feel like I want you to meet me halfway, and when you solo to take me into the equation.” Moments later she adds: “Would putting me into the equation actually ever change anything? Would you actually make decisions differently?”

“If I had some kind of obligation to maximize my lifespan, then yeah, obviously I would have to give up soloing,” Honnold tells her.

“Is me asking you—do you see that as an obligation?”

“Uh, no. No.” He’s confident. Certain. This is what remains so remarkable about Honnold. His steadfast commitment to risk and perfection. To placate McCandless he adds: “But I appreciate your concerns and I respect that, but I in no way feel obligated, no.”

“To maximize…your lifetime…?” she specifies.

“No,” he repeats.

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What makes Fallout and Free Solo what they are is not death. It’s the spectatorship of death. It’s watching those around a person come to terms with what we all know is out there. Say what you will about Cruise, but we don’t want to see Ethan Hunt die. We want to see him succeed, we want him to achieve perfection. Mission accomplished, etc. And Honnold, too, is humanized in Free Solo. Easy, as I did earlier, to chalk him up to being a psychopath, but like so many other things, it’s much more complicated than that. “If I perish, it doesn’t matter, that’s not that big a deal,” he says. But Free Solo proves otherwise. It would be a big deal. It would ripple throughout the lives of his family, his friends, his charity work, the world.

Hunt, too, does not throw himself at assassins in French bathrooms for the hell of it. It’s so the world can keep spinning. The sun rises on Ethan Hunt and his teammates in a valley in Kashmir. “How close were we?” Benji asks. Hunt shrugs. “The usual.” Then he laughs.

Honnold too, reflects on his proximity to death, shifts uncomfortably. “Maybe that’s a little too callous,” he murmurs, looking away.

I type “kms” then delete it quickly. “Haha, sucks,” I write instead. Is this profound? I have no idea. Together, sometimes, even briefly, we soften.

from All Content http://bit.ly/2SSwIUc