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awhitehead17 · 4 years ago

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His Tiny Person

TimKon, Soulmates AU, Canon Divergence, Mini Soulmates, Humour, that “oh” moment, Realisation of feelings, Getting together.

Summary: "Kryptonian's have something called soulmates and every single Kryptonian has one. We know who our soulmates are because mini versions of them manifest to us. To begin with you won't recognise them, or even know their name, until you actually meet them in person. You will meet, you are destined to, but whether you get along or not is another story."

When Kon finds a tiny person hanging around him he's extremely confused but comes to adore him anyway. However its still a complete shock when Kon learns that he's known his soulmate for years and has just never realised it.

Also on AO3

Enjoy! :D

No matter what anyone says, Kon believes that the freak out he has is very much warranted.

After getting out of the shower, Kon wrapped a towel around his waist before entering his bedroom and without any conscious thought he goes through his routine of getting ready for the day. The last thing he had expected to see was a tiny person perched on a pillow on his bed.

In all of his glory Kon let out a yell and scrambled backwards in surprise, his back quickly hits a wall which stops him from going anywhere. The tiny person on his bed openly stares at Kon and it feels like he’s being studied or even judged by him.

Kon stares back completely bewildered at the sight. There’s a tiny person on his bed. How did he get there? Who was he? Where did he come from? Is this some kind of prank?

“Conner, is everything alright?” Ma Kent’s voice could be heard calling him from downstairs. “We heard a yell.”

Still staring at the tiny person Kon tries to get himself together. He shuffles to his bedroom door, never taking his eyes off the person, and opens it. Over his shoulder he calls down to her. “Sorry Ma, I saw a spider. It caught me off guard that’s all. It’s all sorted now.”

“Okay dear if you’re sure. Breakfast is ready when you are.”

“Will be down in a bit, thank you.”

Kon quickly closes the door and debates on what to do. He takes a moment to observe the tiny person. The tiny person is a boy, he has messy black hair, two blue eyes, thin lips, a small body lean body covered by a red t-shirt and black sweatpants.

Kon has no idea what this is, however, weirdly enough he’s feeling a pull towards this tiny person. He can’t describe what it is but Kon feels kind of protective over him, like he wants to just wrap this tiny person up and hide him away from everything. The feeling is completely irrational because Kon knows absolutely nothing about what this could be.

The tiny person stands up and makes his way across Kon’s bed until he’s standing near the edge of it. Kon couldn’t help but find him adorable, he’s so small! He’s not much bigger than his hand in size comparison.

Kon approaches the bed carefully and crouches down so he's almost eye level with him. When they make eye contact the tiny person smiles brightly and Kon feels another pull inside of him, this time its sharp and releases a sense of warmth through him. His heart melts even more for this little thing.

“Hi, do you have name? Where did you come from?” Kon asks softly. The tiny person shakes his head and Kon frowns. “Oh okay. Well I’m Kon or Conner, its nice to meet you.”

“Conner your breakfast is getting cold!” Ma Kent’s voice comes from downstairs again and Kon knows he really should get going.

He turns back to the tiny person. Should he tell Ma Kent about this or not? How would the Kent’s react to this? Kon is still rather new to the whole family thing, he’s only recently moved in with them and is in fact still adjusting to life in Smallville, would this freak them out? Maybe he should work out what this person is doing here first before telling them anything.

With that in mind Kon sends him a small smile. “I’ve got to go have breakfast now, but once I’m done I can work out what to do with you.” He stands up and heads for the door but is stopped short when he hears a small thump.

Kon looks over to find the bed now void of the tiny person, initial panic rises up inside of him though it’s quickly diminished when he feels a tugging sensation on his jeans. Snapping his gaze down Kon finds the tiny person insistently tugging on his jeans with a panicked look on his face.

For unknown reasons, Kon’s heart breaks at the look. “Hey, I’m not leaving. I won’t be long, I promise.” The person shakes his head and without warning starts climbing up Kon’s leg, grabbing fists full of fabric to help him on his journey and he doesn’t stop climbing until he gets to the pocket and climbs inside.

Kon’s not entirely sure on what to do with the tiny person that’s now curled up inside his jeans pocket. Obviously he hadn’t wanted Kon to go, or perhaps it was more of a separation thing and had panicked when he thought Kon was leaving?

Running a hand through his hair Kon opts to leave it for the time being, he’ll work it out later on. As he once again moves towards the door, he hopes that the tiny person is comfortable enough in his pocket until he returns to his bedroom.

----

Throughout the next couple of weeks Kon learns a lot about the tiny person.

He comes to notice that he has his own personality, he has his own quirks and things he likes and dislikes. While he doesn’t speak, the tiny person makes sure his opinion is heard. He likes to train and work out and he’s wickedly smart. He also loves to be held in Kon’s palm and to have his hair stroked.

Through some misunderstandings, Kon comes to realise he actually needs to feed this tiny person, he also needs to regularly clean him, exhaustion and not sleeping enough is certainly a thing, injuries too. The first time this tiny person hurt himself Kon almost had a heart attack in concern and panic.

It’s literally like he’s looking after another human being, only this human is super tiny and can easily fit into his pocket.

Despite all of this he still hasn’t worked out how this tiny person came to be. Anything he’s looked into has come to a dead end, he’s even explored scientific possibilities but it’s all come up empty handed. He’s still completely perplexed on this person’s existence.

When an unfortunate event occurred, Kon became aware that he can’t be too far away from this tiny person either, only because the distance causes them both physical pain. That alone makes Kon believe there’s more to this whole thing, he doesn’t know what it could be but there’s definitely something.

Other than that Kon really adores him. He’s gotten used to his presence now and how he happens to be there in Kon’s everyday life. It frightens him to no ends when a mission comes up or if Kon engages in a brutal battle because he could get hurt. Nonetheless the tiny person is always there for him, its like he’s got his own cheerleader.

A few weeks after the tiny person appears, Kon is meeting with Clark on the farm to catch up. Since the man had finally accepted him as a person and has even named him as part of the family, Clark’s been trying to put effort into getting to know him. Kon appreciates the effort and knows that their relationship is slowly healing.

When Clark arrives they settle onto one of the benches outside with some food Ma Kent had baked and were generally catching up. However Kon’s focus on the man’s words instantly die when movement in his peripheral catches his attention.

Kon glances down at the ground and freezes when he spots a small woman walking around within the grass looking completely at ease observing everything around her.

“Kon?”

Blinking Kon averts his attention away from the woman and back to Clark who is now frowning at him. How long had Kon not been listening for? Instead of saying anything Clark looks in the direction Kon had been and confusion crosses his face.

“What is it Kon?”

Kon waves a hand in the direction of the small woman. “Do you not see that? There’s a tiny person in the grass Clark!”

The man continues to stare at Kon like he's crazy. It makes Kon feel insecure. He wasn’t imaging this right? He’s got his own little dude hanging around him for weeks and now there’s a small woman too.

“Yeah… that’s Mini-Louis.” Clark says like it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

“Mini-Louis? As in your wife Louis?” Kon asks sceptically.

Clark pulls a face, clearly not understanding his confusion. “Yes Kon. My wife. She is my soulmate, therefore I have a Mini-Louis around me.”

Kon has no idea on what to say to that because what?

Realisation crosses Clark’s expression. He pulls back a bit, seeming surprised. “You don’t know about it?”

“About what Clark? What the hell are you on about?” Kon snaps.

Clark takes a deep breath and leans forward on the table using his elbows to prop himself up. “I’m sorry it must have completely slipped my mind. We as Kryptonian's have something called soulmates. Every single Kryptonian has one. We know who our soulmates are because mini versions of them manifest to us and these mini versions are attached to our souls. Once we finally meet our soulmate in person the bond between us is solidified.”

Kon blinks trying to digest that information. Soulmates. Soulmates are an actual thing and they appear in the form of tiny versions of themselves. Kon’s tiny person is in fact his soulmate. But he doesn’t know who his soulmate is, he doesn’t recognise him!

“Has your soulmate manifested Kon?” Clark questions after a long drawn out silence.

Instead of answering Kon carefully reaches into his jacket’s pocket and scoops up his tiny person. He’s been sleeping this entire time and Kon feels bad for moving and waking him up but he gently does so and places him on the table in front of him.

His tiny person looks disorientated for a moment. He sits down on the table, yawns and rubs his eyes with his fists as he wakes up. Once he notices where he is he looks alerted and sends Kon a panicked look. Kon reaches out a strokes a finger down his face. “It’s okay buddy, you’re safe. No one is going to hurt you. I’m finally learning about you properly.”

Kon glances up to find Clark watching him with warm eyes and a soft smile. Kon raises an eyebrow. “What? If you say this is my soulmate it would certainly explain why I’m protective over him. But why didn’t you tell me sooner? I don’t recognise this person, doesn’t soulmates work after you meet the one or something?”

“With Kryptonian’s, your mini-soulmate manifests when the younger one of the pair comes of age. Your situation is slightly different, thinking about it I could guess that your soulmate appeared once you were named as you were already of age.”

Kon nods to the explanation. He’s slowly understanding it. He’s still feels conflicted about it, like he’s afraid of the idea of it but he's also open to it…

“The idea is that you don’t recognise them, or even know their name, until you actually meet them in person. You will meet, you are destined to, but whether you get along or not is another story. You’re soulmates, but that bond can be either platonic, romantic, or even in some rare cases it’s a hatred bond. By the looks of it, yours is either a platonic or a romantic bond.”

Kon sighs, he guesses that’s better than it being a hatred soulmate bond. He thinks he gets on rather well with his little dude.

“As frustrating as this will sound, the main thing I can say is that only time will tell. When you meet your soulmate you’ll recognise them and then how your relationship with him progresses will depend on the two of you.”

After that they change topic of conversation, leaning more into Kryptonian heritage and ways of life as well as different battle strategies Kon could be using with his team. Meanwhile as they talk, Kon’s mini-soulmate joins Mini-Louis in exploring the wildlife together.

-----

It turns out Kon has already met his soulmate. In fact it turns out he’s best friends with his soulmate. He’s known him for a couple years.

It turns out his soulmate is Robin and he’s only finding that out now.

Young Justice, or rather the newly formed Titans, are gathered together and spending the weekend at the Tower. They were about to start their movie night when Robin tells them he has an announcement to make.

In line with their new team development he wants to clear the air and start fresh, hoping they would all forgive him for certain things in the past. Robin takes his mask off and gives them his real name.

As Kon meets Robin’s – Tim’s – eyes his heart stops. Without the mask obstructing the top half of Robin’s face, Kon clearly sees the same face that his mini-soulmate has.

Robin is his soulmate. How has he never made that connection before? The resemblance is uncanny, he’s literally been carrying around a Mini-Robin for 6 months.

He’s been on a team with Robin for a couple of years now. When he first escaped Cadmus, him, Bart and Robin made a trio team and over time the others had joined them, therefore creating Young Justice. A couple years later here they are joining the Titans and Robin is finally sharing his identity with them.

To begin with he and Robin never got on, they were always at each other’s throats and never saw eye to eye but as time went on they both mellowed out and come to accept the others presence. Their friendship became stronger as they both matured over time. Kon had moved to Smallville and began to really learn what life is about, how there’s a life outside of superheroing, while Robin had moulded the legacy he carries into his own and has found the confidence to become his own person rather than trying to be someone else.

Either way, he immediately recognises Robin’s – or Tim’s – face and not because apparently he’s famous but actually because Tim’s face is the one his mini-soulmate wears. There’s no mistaking it.

His mini-soulmate is currently hidden from view inside his jacket pocket but Kon could easily feel the excitement rolling off the tiny person, he’s practically buzzing with energy. Knowing he’s going to have to try and restrain his mini from doing anything rash, Kon brushes his telekinesis over him in attempts to calm him down.

At Tim’s announcement there’s a loud explosion from the group which lasts for some time until everyone calms down enough to settle so they can watch the films they have lined up. No matter what they put on, Kon couldn’t focus on any of them. His mind is too occupied with the thoughts of Robin being his soulmate and what that could mean.

He begins questioning his entire friendship with the bat vigilante. Reflecting on everything from the moment they met to now.

What kind of feelings does he actually have for his friend? He cares for him, they trust one another (the whole ID thing was a different matter despite how many arguments there have been on that topic) and Kon can’t imagine his life without Tim in it. Even back when he loathed him Kon wouldn’t have imagine Robin not being there.

They balance one another out. Where Kon is reckless and is hot headed, Robin thinks things through and plans accordingly. Where Robin is uptight and too hard on himself, Kon is freewheeling and helps him to relax and unwind.

When he’s with Tim he wants his friend to be happy, he wants him to feel safe and protected. When things get too much Kon reminds Robin he’s there to talk to if he needs it. When Kon’s felt overwhelmed by his powers Tim is the one he turns to because he helps Kon to understand them without making it feel like he’s being judged. There’s been numerous of nights where they’ve sat together in silent company, both of them wanting to be alone but not at the same time.

Kon thinks about his smile and his laugh when he’s genuinely happy and not wearing that stupid asshole persona. He think about how when he gets invested in something he would passionately defend it. How there’s a shy and genuine guy behind that mask despite all the confidence Robin plasters on in front of them all. He recalls when Robin would walk into a room and how Kon’s mood would improve significantly for no reason.

Well shit… there’s a lot more feelings towards Robin than he ever realised. Is this still platonic though or is it the start of something romantic? Can Kon even imagine what it would be like to be romantically involved with Tim? To hold his hand, to cuddle, to kiss and then maybe more, to be seen in public with him, to lean on one another without fear…

Kon’s heart misses a beat when he realises that yes he can imagine all that. Now he knows Tim’s name and knows what he really looks like, Kon can see himself doing those things with Tim and even getting to know him better than what’s slipped through his persona over the years.

Tim is his soulmate, they’re bound to each other in some way. Why hadn’t he ever seen it before?

What is Tim’s opinion on all of this? Kon’s mind suddenly goes into overdrive when it clicks that since Tim is his soulmate, he has a Mini-Tim with him at all times, then that means Tim would have a mini-him.

“on? Conner! Kon!”

A sharp stinging sensation gets his attention and Kon blinks, his thoughts finally residing for now. Kon looks around to find everyone in the room staring at him with concern and how Robin is standing in front of him with worry etched all over his face.

“Are you okay? You completely spaced out on us.”

Kon swallows thickly and sends Tim, and everyone else, a tight smile. “Yeah, yeah. Sorry just got lost in my thoughts.”

Tim doesn’t look convinced and now that his mask is no longer on Kon could clearly see his expressions. Despite only seeing Tim’s face for the first time moments ago, Kon can already read his facial expressions because they happen to be the exact same ones Mini-Tim wears.

Kon reaches out and pushes Tim away from him to create room so he can stand up. “Seriously I’m fine. It’s just been a long week that’s all. I’m actually going to head to bed, I’ll see you all in the morning.”

Without looking at anyone Kon flees the room, trying to get out of there as fast as possible. He doesn’t stop moving until he gets to his assigned room where he promptly barges in and slams the door shut behind him. Unable to stand still Kon begins pacing the length of the room, his mind back to working on overdrive.

Its only when something starts moving against him that he breaks out of the cycle. Kon stops in the middle of his room and gently scoops out his mini-soulmate. From the centre of his palm, Mini-Robin looks up at him and scowls. Kon winces in both guilt and embarrassment.

He places his min-soulmate onto his dresser and instantly Mini-Tim turns his back on Kon and crosses his arms over his chest. Kon frowns feeling terrible, he didn’t mean to make him upset or angry. He can’t help that he's a little incompetent when it comes to these sort of things.

Kon goes back to his pacing, now talking to his mini as he does so. “I’m sorry okay. I didn’t realise, all of this time and you’ve actually been in front of me. How many missions have we been on, how many rooms have we been in together, how many hours have we spent in close proximity of one another? After all of that its only now I’m figuring it out!”

He glances over to find that Mini-Tim is still ignoring him. Kon huffs. “Well it’s not like it’s entirely my fault! Robin is as much as to blame as I am. At least I have an excuse, I didn’t know it was him because he had half of his face covered all the time. What about him? He’s probably had a mini-me this whole time and has never approached me about the topic, it’s not like I’ve gone incognito.”

When he stops talking the silence in the room stretches out. Even though its only Kon and his mini-soulmate Kon could easily feel the tension between them. He doesn’t like feeling like this, especially with his little counterpart.

Sighing heavily, Kon shuffles over to the dresser where Mini-Tim is still standing and leans in closely. “Please don’t be annoyed. It’s a shitty situation and my emotions are everywhere. The last thing I need is for you to be annoyed at me too…”

When Mini-Tim continues to ignore him Kon frowns and carefully reaches out to him with his TTK. He gently prods his mini-soulmate, trying to encourage him to loosen up and even look at him again.

Eventually his insistence must work because Mini-Tim turns around and stares up at him with wide-eyes and a pout on his face. Kon pulls back his power and reaches out to brush a finger along his tiny cheek.

“I’m sorry,” Kon whispers softly, “I’ll sort things out, I promise but it may take some time.” The wide-eyes and pout soon turns into a glare without heat and a pointed look. Kon understands his message though. “I will talk to him, soon okay. Just not yet, I need to get my thoughts in order first.”

A knock on his bedroom door breaks his attention away from his mini-soulmate. Kon sighs and is reluctant to open the door, fearing what’s on the other side of it. When a second knock happens, Kon forces himself to walk over to the door and pull it open.

As feared, Tim stands there in the corridor looking worried and lost in thought. He notices that Kon has opened the door and snaps back to attention. “Uh hey.”

“Hey.”

“Can we talk?” Tim asks sounding unsure.

Kon sends him a tight smile. “Yeah.”

Tim enters his bedroom and Kon closes the door behind him. There's a pause between them before Tim turns around to face him wearing contemplative expression. “Your behaviour isn’t about my name and face is it?”

It sounds like he already knows the answer to that but Kon humours him by answering anyway. “No. No it isn’t, well, not the main part of it at least.” He sighs and runs a hand through his hair. How was he supposed to talk to Robin that he's his soulmate? How was he going to explain that for the last 6 months he’s been carrying around a tiny version of him but didn’t know because he never made the connection until today?

In the end he shakes his head, he’s probably way over thinking this too much. Maybe he shouldn’t use words, perhaps using actions is the way to go?

Kon moves around the room and goes back over to the dresser, when he leans in close he finds Mini-Tim hiding away behind a deodorant spray. He lifts his hand with his palm facing upwards and waits to see if his mini takes the invitation. Mini-Tim stares at him suspiciously for a moment before coming out of his hiding spot and climbing onto his hand.

Kon carefully turns around and shows Tim his mini for the first time. Surprisingly yet unsurprisingly, Tim doesn’t look shocked. His eyes widen but that’s the only reaction Kon gets. Tim wordlessly reaches down into his jacket pocket and brings something out of it, Kon could only gasp when he sees a mini version of himself on Tim’s palm.

Before he or Tim could react their mini-soulmates both make an excited sound. Mini-Kon jumps up from Tim’s palm and flies straight for Mini-Tim. In return Mini-Tim jumps up with his hands stretched out and grasps onto Mini-Kon when they collide together. Mini-Kon carries them around for a moment before they land on the bed and separate. They use their little arms and legs to wildly gesture to one another about something lost to both Kon and Tim. It’s rather adorable to watch.

“I think that answers a few questions does it not?” Tim says amusedly watching the minis with a smile.

Kon huffs. “Some of them yeah. Look dude there’s a lot to explain about this, I get you must be super confused about how a tiny version of myself just suddenly appeared one day and I understand that -”

“I’m going to stop you there Kon.” Tim says firmly raising a hand up in a stopping motion, he’s now looking at him. “I know a lot more than what you think I do. I know what this is and what it could mean. If anything I’m the one that should explain some things to you, like why didn’t I tell you sooner for example.”

Feeling rather overwhelmed Kon shakes his head and moves to sit down in his desk chair.

Tim takes it as an opportunity to keep talking. “We’ve always had a strange relationship Kon. From the moment we met until now it’s been odd, but quite frankly there’s not a thing I would change. I know those minis represent that we’re soulmates. I have to admit I was rather confused when you appeared tiny in my bathroom 6 months ago, to begin with I thought you had shrunk or something but there was something telling me there was more to it than that.

I got my answer about a month later when I ran into Louis, she had been at the Manor talking to Bruce when I saw she had a tiny Clark riding on her shoulder. After a conversation she explained that her and Clark were soulmates, it’s all to do with because he’s a Kryptonian. Of course then it made more sense.

The reason why I never approached you about it is because I didn’t know what to do. I knew it was you, it’s kind of hard not to tell y’know,” Tim sends him a knowing smirk at that comment, “but since you never said anything about it I figured you didn’t know it was me. It’s only then that it clicked that I still hadn’t revealed my face or even shared my name with you.

It wasn’t my choice not to tell you, you know that, it had been Batman’s orders. For months I debated on what to do, even going as far as arguing with Batman to share my ID at least with you. In the end Batman gave in but only after I explained why I was so insistent about it. And well, here we are.”

Tim trails off into silence and he’s looking expectantly at Kon, waiting for him to respond to his side of the story. Kon could only blink at him and repeat his story in his mind. The minis are currently sat together side by side on the edge of the bed’s footboard, they were holding hands and swinging their legs together as they share a smile.

As much as Kon would like to be frustrated at Tim for what he did, he knows he really couldn’t be. Its not his fault that Batman put him in an awkward position. Kon rationalises in his mind that’s its all done and over with now, he can’t change it but from here they can at least go forward.

He glances up at Tim. “So what do we do from here? How would you like to go forward? Also I’m sorry that I put you in this position. It was as much as a shock to me as it probably was to you.”

Tim glares at him. “Don’t apologise Kon. It’s not like you had a choice in the matter and you know what, I’m glad its you.”

That gets Kon’s attention. He stares at his best friend wondering if he heard right. “What?”

The sigh Tim lets out sounds almost resigned. “Why would I be bothered by it? You’re my best friend Kon, of course I don’t mind being soulmates with you. I know we’ve had one heck of a bumpy road in the past but we’re here now aren’t we.”

Kon grins, unable to deny what Tim had just said. He looks back up, taking in how Tim’s eyes are focused on him, how they seem to shine when the light hits them, he takes in Tim’s relaxed posture and how at ease he appears to be.

A sudden urge washes over Kon and all he wants to do is crush Tim in a hug and kiss him. He has no idea when he started thinking about Tim in that way but he finds that he doesn’t actually mind. It’s just the case of whether Tim returns them or not.

Kon stands up and steps towards Tim, standing so close to him that he could feel the others heat. “So how do you want to go forward with this? When Clark told me about soulmates, he said there are platonic, romantic and hating bonds. Is there a certain type you want to be?”

Kon wants to smack himself in the face for how bad that sounds. What the fuck is he on about. Thankfully Tim seems more amused than anything else. A glance to the side shows both minis exaggerating an eye roll each, Kon opts to ignore them.

Tim steps closer, finally pushing their chests together, he has to tilt his head up while Kon looks down to make eye contact with one another. “I don’t know… I mean to be honest if I had to say one surely it would be the hatred bond? I can’t stand you, you know? You get on my nerves too much.”

Kon snorts and shakes his head. “Maybe once upon a time. Anyway you’re just as bad, you and that neurotic brain of yours.”

They both grin at that, shaking their heads at the ridiculous turn in the conversation. Opposite him Tim opens his mouth again but this time Kon decides to cut to the chase. He ducks his head and presses his lips against Tim’s. There’s a pause on Tim’s side but after a second he’s responding to Kon and pushing back against his lips.

Some sort of spark passes between them and suddenly it’s like something inside of him has clicked into place and now he feels complete.

He presses against Tim even more and wraps his arms around him, keeping them pressed closely together. Tim goes with the movement, reaching up to wrap his arms around Kon’s neck and even buries a hand in his hair.

When they part the two of them are sharing wide smiles. Kon huffs out a laugh and rests his forehead against Tim’s.

The only thing that pulls Kon away from Tim is a light slapping against his neck. He pulls back and looks to the side to find Mini-Tim now standing on his shoulder trying to get his attention. Opposite him, Mini-Kon is floating next to Tim’s cheek also getting his attention.

Tim and Kon take a step away from each other to look at their minis. Mini-Tim is grinning wildly and Kon could just feel the excitement and warmth radiating off from him. Kon smiles back softly and reaches up to stroke a finger along Mini-Tim’s cheek, even poking his stomach for fun. It’s a pleasant contrast compared to what he was like a little while ago.

Kon turns back to Tim. “So, um, now that a few things are out the way, can I ask you out on a date? Lets give this a try?”

Tim gently nudges Mini-Kon away to stop him from prodding his cheek, he looks at Kon and nods. “Just text me the time and place and we’ll be there.”

It takes a moment but Kon quickly catches on that he means him and Mini-Kon. Of course, duh, if they’re going to be dating then by extension so are the mini versions of themselves. It probably should be weird but Kon finds that he doesn’t mind, in fact its cute and the fact that Tim doesn’t seem to mind either makes it better. He’s looking forward to the near future and what it could bring for him and Tim and their mini-soulmates.

#timkon #Tim Drake #Kon-El #clark kent #soulmates au #mini soulmates #humour #that oh moment #realisation of feelings #getting together #canon divergence #fluff #idea originally from shadowhunters fandom #i think #i absolutely love this soulmates au concept #fanfiction #the minis are adorable

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miller-day · 4 years ago

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hi everyone!!

during the semi-hiatus i took from tumblr i became obsessed with psych (people who follow me on twitter know) and i even started writing about it. i thought it would be so funny to see how a crossover between shawn/gus and sherlock/watson would go, so i took it upon myself to make it happen. i’ve only written 6 pages of it but i’m thinking about going forward and writing more, but firstly i wanted to know if it’s actually worth it so i’m posting what i wrote on here and i hope that if ANYONE actually reads it and enjoys it, then let me know <3

(none of the characters are mine)

“Shawn Spencer. Psychic detective.” Watson shifts his glance from the open newspaper on the coffee table to Sherlock, who’s standing in the kitchen and looking like a misplaced giant, his 6 feet of flesh and bones (or just bones) still forming a comical comparison with the small-dimensioned furniture of their apartment, most of it bought by equally small-dimensioned Mrs. Hudson. “I see you’re now interested in the supernatural?”

Sherlock scoffs. “Please. You know my demon-hunting days are long past.”

Watson waits for Sherlock to develop his last statement, even though he’s not sure he actually wants to hear more of it, but his roommate’s attention seems to have been captured by the stirring sounds he’s making with the teaspoon against the glass of his mug. “What’s this doing here, then?”

Sherlock doesn’t look at him to know what he was referring to. He goes about as though Watson’s presence in the room is as dispensable as a fly on a summer day, something you dismiss with a single hand motion and move on, and sits on his usual red sofa. Watson rolls his eyes, not yet immune to Sherlock’s peculiar way of being even after almost two years of friendship, and throws the newspaper onto his lap rather angrily, to which Sherlock replies, “Hey!”

“Shawn Spencer,” Watson says, pointing at the bold black letters on the top of the page that’s facing Sherlock, the phrase PSYCHIC DETECTIVE SHAWN SPENCER SAVES THE CITY OF SANTA BARBARA FROM ANOTHER KILLING SPREE making its loud announcement above a picture of two guys proudly smiling in front of a police station. “You were reading this.”

“How observant,” Sherlock replies, rolling his eyes. “Maybe you should be the one solving the crimes and I should be the one writing about it on my blog.”

Watson exhales angrily. “Why are you avoiding this topic?”

“It’s not so much avoiding this specific topic as much as it is me avoiding you,” Sherlock stops to take a sip of his tea. “I’m busy.”

Watson rubs his left temple in an attempt to soothe the vein he’s foreseeing popping in a couple of seconds. “If you say so.”

He ends up sitting dramatically on the opposing couch. They’re both silent for a while, Watson with his eyes closed and his head resting against the cushion, Sherlock noticing the rhythm of his best friend’s chest rising and falling as he approaches, slowly, the realm of sleep.

“Alright, fine. Do you want to discuss this?” Watson opens his eyes in surprise at Sherlock’s sudden rupture of the room’s previous quietness. “I think the guy is obviously a con-man.”

Watson blinks, noticeably distressed. “What makes you so sure?”

“Oh, come on. Please don’t tell me you believe this bullshit.” Sherlock says, his sarcastic laugh creating an itch on his roommate’s skin, then places his mug on a table nearby. “You’ve believed worse, though, so I’m not exactly shocked.”

“I just asked a question. I think the guy deserves the benefit of the doubt.”

Sherlock’s expression is void of any inclination towards an agreement with Watson and giving the psychic even the tiniest bit of credibility. Crime-solving, as far as he is concerned, is an art, a study of the human brain, a test of one’s skills in terms of impulse-control and harmony of the senses, a practice no one can ever master in its entirety, and for someone to taint its name with something so low and idiot as an alleged psychic ability only makes him furious. The worst part, he thinks, is that people aren’t contesting it at all — the guy managed to make his name go from Santa Barbara to London after all, and from the looks of it, he has the entire local police department on his side.

“Oh, don’t start,” he says, a tone of annoyance dripping from the edge of his words.

“With what?” Watson asks, a little amused.

“With your whole thing,” Sherlock gestures vaguely with his hands. “You’re free to think what you choose—”

“How kind of you.”

“—but I won’t let you waste my time with arguments in his defense. He either has someone on the inside or he actually solves the crimes, but I won’t acknowledge any talent on his part if he’s doing something so stupid as hiding under the pretense of ‘communications with the supernatural’,” he does the air-quotes mockingly, “or whatever term he uses to call it.”

“Are you jealous because the spirits like him better than you do?” Watson asks, a smile of mockery slowly taking form on his lips. “I’m sure if you’re kinder to people they might just come around to talk. Y’know, if you’re a good bloke and all that.”

“You’re thinking about Santa Claus, Watson, but given that he’s not any more real than whatever powers your little Shawn Spencer claims to possess, I suppose it’s a valid assumption.”

“He has a partner. You know that, right?”

“Who? Spencer or Santa?”

“Shawn Spencer, obviously,” Watson replies. “You said you think he has someone on the inside, and he’s not alone in that picture. He works with someone.”

“Oh, but I meant inside the police department, to give him information and such. The man on the picture is his...” Sherlock sighs. “Best friend, I guess. As if they couldn’t get more embarrassing.”

Watson throws his head back in laughter and Sherlock stares blankly at him. “What?”

“Nothing! It’s just...” He puts his hand over his mouth, then itches the back of his head, still smiling. “If you think about it, they’re kind of like us.”

Sherlock’s face has an expression about it that makes him look as though he’s taken a bite out of a lemon. “What do you mean?”

Watson hasn’t stopped giggling, and Sherlock looks at him with puzzlement, expecting an answer.

“I mean, they’re two friends who solve crimes together.” Watson replies, his tone an indication of how obvious the comparison is.

“I don’t suppose you’re suggesting I’m the Spencer in this scenario?”

“Well, you’re the one who’s always going on with the ‘you see, but you don’t observe’ bullshit. I always thought you meant it literally, but perhaps you meant something more... metaphysical? Seeing like a psychic, maybe?”

Sherlock stands up abruptly. “This isn’t funny, Watson.”

Watson chuckles. “Agree to disagree.”

“You know, I’m positive I could expose that Spencer within seconds of meeting him,” Sherlock says, and starts pacing around the room like his thoughts are too fast in his mind for him to be still. “His partner, for instance—”

“I think you meant his best friend.” The smile of mischief is still there.

“Is a pharmaceutical salesman. What does this tell you?”

Watson furrows his brows in confusion. “That he has a discount on paracetamol?”

“You’re useless. Utterly, completely useless,” Sherlock replies. “How did you even manage to get a medical degree?”

“Oh, well, they just give it around these days,” Watson rests his elbows on his thighs and places his face on his hands, a Little-Mermaid-like position that weirdly fits him. “Showing up is pretty much the only requirement.”

Sherlock ignores his roommate’s response and continues, this time more to himself than as a contribution to their conversation. “Shawn Spencer’s partner having another job is an indication that their whole business isn’t as solid as they make it seem. It might be to help with the money for rent and transportation and such, but it could also be that the financial guarantee he’s seeking is preparation for the moment when Shawn is inevitably exposed for being a fake.” Sherlock stops and scans Watson for an indication of him having been convinced. “Or he just had that job before this scam started and doesn’t trust Spencer to keep it for much longer, at least not enough to make him quit.”

Watson rests his back against the cushion again. “I don’t know what you’re trying to accomplish with this bit, make me hate the guys?”

“No, of course not. I just want to show you the other side of things, the real side. But you can choose to live in this delusion as much as you want. I mean, go ahead. Keep thinking the supernatural actually exists! I’m sure it helps you sleep at night.”

Watson rolls his eyes and angrily grabs the newspaper, which, at this point, is on the floor, having been stepped on by Sherlock at least five times, and his eyes immediately fall on the picture. The one whom he reads is Shawn is on the left, plaid shirt and cocky grin giving him the appearance of an average guy you wouldn’t be surprised to see eating chicken wings or making obscure references to movies from the 80s. His hand is up as though he’s waving to the crowd in front of him, not even a little bit worried about his unconventional methods being an easy target of judgment. He looks like he belongs there, Watson realizes, and for a second he almost wishes he knew those guys. The best friend/partner, Burton Guster, is on the right, his hand placed on his chest in a gesture that would suggest humbleness if it weren’t for his facial expression, a look about him that seems equally receptive of the recognition and praise as Shawn is. He’s wearing a buttoned shirt that’s tucked under his pants with a belt, and the two of them form such a distinct contrast to each other that Watson finds it rather amusing. He can’t help but think about the many pictures of him and Sherlock that have appeared on the newspaper over the years, and he wonders if people have analyzed them the way he’s analyzing Shawn and Guster at this moment. They can undoubtedly notice Sherlock’s arrogance and Watson’s shyness from the capture of a lens, but can they also see his excitement, Sherlock’s determination, the deep and unspoken connection the two of them share but hardly ever acknowledge? Can they understand what motivates them from within, the drive for justice, the thrill of the chase pumping in their veins?

“I think you’re being too harsh with them,” Watson says simply, putting the newspaper on the couch next to him.

“How come?” Sherlock replies. “I think I’m being perfectly adequate.”

“I don’t know,” he crosses his arms. “It’s just... Okay. Let’s suppose he is indeed faking his powers.”

Sherlock points a finger at him. “Which he totally is.”

Watson ignores him and continues, “Does that inherently mean he’s a bad person?” Sherlock stares at him, silent. “He has put a lot of bad people in jail, and no doubt has saved a lot of lives in the process... Doesn’t that give him a little bit of credit?”

Sherlock takes a deep breath. He doesn’t respond immediately; instead, he walks to the window and gazes at the street below, strangers passing by with shopping bags and dogs on leashes and briefcases on hand, the sounds of London fading away as background noise as he concentrates on details of the everyday life. He notices the mark of a ring on the girl with the dog’s finger, the dust on the shoe of the guy with the briefcase, the small tear on the shopping bag carried by the woman. He absorbs all of it in, knowing none of this information is relevant to his existence, and takes a deep breath.

He’s reminded of a babysitter he used to have back in the day. Susan Carter. She was, in theory, hired to take care of both him and Mycroft, but Sherlock’s brother, even in his youth, acted like someone older than his age, someone who could take plenty of care of himself even though he was still sleeping with a night light on and occasionally peeing his pants. Sherlock didn’t like Susan very much — he actually felt that way about pretty much everyone at that time, but with her it was especially intense because she’d spend the entire day checking in on him. He couldn’t just simply tune her out diving into the depths of his mind castle, because it was a guarantee she’d be there too, her high-pitched auntie voice asking him questions like, “Do you want some tea, Lockie?” or “Want me to read you a story?” Never mind the fact that she was merely doing her job, one which he was aware she was being paid for incredibly well (it wasn’t easy to find someone willing to accept employment in the Holmes residence those days): he wanted her out of his sacred place, expelled out of his house like a virus after an antibody attack.

His will ended up being his way, in the end. Susan decided to quit after Mycroft put laxatives in her tea one day, and all of this happened because she had entered his room, without knocking, and caught him during one of his private costume sessions. Mycroft would sometimes spend hours alone in his room doing this — one day he’d be a king from the Victorian times, ordering the toys in his room to attend to his commands, and the other he’d be Britain’s first astronaut setting foot on the moon. Sherlock was never allowed in, even though he’d usually want to, much to his own dismay, and when his nanny caught Mycroft dressed up as Shakespeare in the middle of a reenactment of his own play, Mycroft decided it was best to put matters into his own hands. Or, really, the poor lady’s digestive system, which got torn to shreds after that tea. Sherlock was glad to see her gone, but it sadly wasn’t much long before another nanny stepped in to take her post, and the others after her blended together to create one amorphous being in his mind, all identities a dense cloud of memories he, to this day, associates with despair and annoyance.

What made Susan stand out amongst them was the fact that she liked tarot cards. Sherlock always thought of it all as rather stupid and tried to avoid her “sessions” as much as possible, but sometimes she managed to catch him in the sofa, staring at the ceiling or memorizing the patterns of the paintings on the wall, and she’d say “let’s have a reading, Lockie! You’re not really doing anything much now, aren’t you?”, to which he’d have no reply. He’d sometimes run away to the garden, but other times he’d admit defeat and sit next to her on the dinner table, and she’d spread the cards and explain the meaning of every one of them, even the ones which weren’t chosen by Sherlock. Surprisingly, he’d sometimes find himself enjoying those moments, especially when Susan’s eyes would sparkle with excitement and he’d wonder if one day he’d ever feel that way about anything. She’d maneuver the cards with the utmost gentleness, like they were thin pieces of glass she could drop and break at any moment, and he’d almost let himself smile. He never would, though, because he was still a Holmes, therefore still genetically indisposed for such an act.

Sherlock later in his life learned that Susan had died not long after she quit her job as his nanny. She was murdered by an ex-boyfriend who needed some money and was leeching off of her and the tiny, almost inexistent amount she had. She was stabbed eight times in her own living room, the very same Susan who would put an extra spoonful of sugar in his afternoon tea even though his mother’s orders were of strictly one. Sherlock hated himself the day he found out. When his mother told him over the phone, bile crawled up to the back of his throat and left in it a bitter taste that lasted until the next morning. Sherlock wanted to punch someone, punch himself. The murderer had already been caught by that point, but Sherlock wanted badly to be the one who had found him, perhaps because he felt like he owed something to Susan. He couldn’t catch his own eyes in the mirror for a while after that discovery.

“I think I’m going to bed.”

Watson blinks in surprise. “It’s five in the afternoon.”

Sherlock wraps the belt of his robe on his stomach. “I am very tired.” He gives the reply as though it was an act of courtesy on his part, unneeded.

“You said you were busy about three minutes ago.”

He slumps his shoulders in a dramatic gesture like there’s a sudden weight on them he can’t bother to carry, and then straightens his posture again. “Haven’t you heard of procrastination, Watson? My being tired at this very moment doesn’t exclude my desire to sleep.”

Watson narrows his eyes, bites his lower lip. “You’re planning something.”

Sherlock fakes an appalled look. “I am going to bed. Think of that what you will.”

He starts making his way across the living room and Watson says, “Tell me what you’re thinking!”

“Ask your friend Spencer to tell you that! He’s a psychic, he’ll figure it out!” He’s halfway through the hallway by now, his screams reverberating against the walls.

“You’re forgetting your tea!”

“You can have it, it’s too sweet for me anyway!” is the reply before Sherlock closes the door and creates a vacuum in the room from the instant end of the conversation.

Watson groans in frustration. “I could kill him. And I think I could get away with it. Except he’d solve the bloody thing in the afterlife. Oh, Watson, you were such a fool, left the clues right there for everyone to see!” He mimics Sherlock’s posh way of speaking.

He picks up the mug Sherlock left on the table and takes a sip. “A perfectly good tea, also. That bastard.” Watson’s tone of voice is annoyed, but as he takes another sip, there’s a smile on his face.

#psych #psych fic #sherlock #bbc sherlock #psych au #sherlock au #writing

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silverbastardgoldenfool · 5 years ago

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Realm of the Quarantine Reread End-of-Book Questionnaire: Assassin’s Apprentice

Any differences between your first/previous reading experience and this one?

Uhhhhh yep!! I can’t even believe how different it was. Every scene has taken on an entirely different colour and flavour in my memory. I skimmed far too much the first time, yes, but also I just went into it with the wrong framework. I think I’ve mentioned this before but my mum recommended me these books on the basis of my love of A Song of Ice and Fire. She directly compared them and said how similar they were. Because of RotE’s length I had been putting it off for years, and only finally picked up Assassin’s Apprentice because I was itching to do an ASOIAF reread but was (and am) trying to wait until Winds of Winter to do it.

So you can imagine the difficulty settling into a book like Assassin’s Apprentice when you’re expecting Game of Thrones. I remember my overall impression on my first read being that it was a pretty standard fantasy novel with the only really exceptional thing about it being the characters and their relationships. Characters are always my top priority so it was enough to keep me invested and progressing onto the next book and the rest of the series, but I did so not having absorbed nearly as much as I should have from the first book in the series.

Now, just from revisiting that first book, my understanding of Fitz and the world he operates in has exponentially increased and I know that will transform my experience of every book going forward. I really made sure to make myself slow down and read every word; absorb descriptions and just be in each moment without racing to the next one. Overall this book (and all the Fitz books) are much more concerned with the human condition and the effects of abuse and trauma and deep loneliness than being an epic fantasy. In fact it barely reads like fantasy at all; it’s incredibly grounded and focused. Of course the elements are there, but while Assassin’s Apprentice may not be as subversive as the rest of the series, it is certainly not generic fantasy. This book just feels alive to me now in a way it didn’t before against the rest of the series. I can regard it as a beautiful piece of the puzzle in its own right instead of just the setup. I wanna reiterate I always really liked Assassin’s Apprentice but it just paled in comparison to my unholy obsession with the rest of it. Idk this reread just really shifted a lot of things into perspective for me and I’m excited!!

Something you can’t believe you forgot

So so much but most ridiculous GALEN IS QUEEN DESIRE’S BASTARD am I dumb??? I didn’t even remember until it was explicitly stated lol

Favourite character introduction moments/scenes

It’s gotta be a tie between the Fool, Kettricken and Patience (realising there is a common theme here of Fitz making an idiot of himself). I genuinely was laughing so hard when Fitz is like, actively making himself smaller and so pleased with himself trying to help the Fool, and of course the Fool’s iconic “listen you idiot” ugh it’s just chef’s kiss baby, that’s what we in the biz call a meet-cute! (I know they have seen each other before, but this is the first time the Fool talks to Fitz). Then of course we have Kettricken who poisons Fitz at their first meeting, and Patience who Fitz continuously embarrasses himself in front of before even realising who she is. The fact that all three of these people end up being some of Fitz’s only genuinely loving relationships makes it even better.

Favourite character arcs

I think I’ve gotta go with Verity and Burrich. Verity goes from kind of a bloke’s bloke (he was so different in the beginning than I remembered!) to being a proper King-in-Waiting. He is self-sacrificial but not for pride; he genuinely cares deeply for his people, as a whole and as individuals, and will do anything it takes to protect them. He is far from perfect, and he could have done a lot more for Fitz when he was younger, but once Fitz is in his eyeline and he is confronted with the life the boy has led he seems suitably shamed and tries to do his best for him. He’s a good boy and I love him!

Burrich of course is just. unlucky. His health deteriorates due to injuries. He gets saddled with some kid and is burdened to bring him up to an impossible standard he has set himself (to not shame a man he has an impossibly high opinion of). He’s deprived of a job he loved and was good at, and most importantly he’s deprived of his boyfriend I mean lover I mean “master”.

His arc is not a happy one at all but it is compelling, and I can’t help but love him and feel for him despite also disagreeing with him on almost everything :)

Favourite quote/s

Unfortunately I don’t have any tabs atm so I couldn’t really keep track, but my heart exploded when Fitz said to the Fool after going into his room, “I wish I had a place that were as much me as that place is you.”

Favourite relationships

Fitz/Fool obviously. Even though they don’t have that many interactions in this book I loved every single one of them. The Fool volunteering to care for Smithy after Fitz has endured a long day of horrendous abuse is just!!!!! Kindness! What a concept! I could really see why they develop such a deep bond so quickly.

Fitz/Burrich is just so real and so compelling and it hurts me but I love it. Fitz/Chade breaks my heart bc Chade is manipulating his way into Fitz’s heart - I think without realising it a lot of the time bc he is lonely too, but the power imbalance is not okay when he is the centre of Fitz’s world for a long time and the closest thing he has to a friend. Knowing how Chade behaves not too much later just makes it even worse when he is so nice in this book because it just shows why Fitz has such a hard time being his own person and saying no to Chade ever.

Fitz/Verity for obvious reasons. Fitz/Hands!! They’re cute but it makes me sad that Hands betrays him in AQ. Weirdly I liked Fitz/Molly way more this time but more their friendship than anything. And next is Royal Assassin and their deeply toxic romance soooooo.

And Fitz and his puppies BUT WE DON’T TALK ABOUT THAT.

Favourite setting

Do yourself a favour and read the description of the Mountain Kingdom and specifically the palace. It is STUNNING and something I completely skimmed over the first time cos I’m a dumb idiot bitch I could have been picturing a city of huge colourful tulips all this time but fuck me I guess!!

Favourite chapter

As a rereader I think I’ve gotta say chapter one. There’s just so much to pick apart all crammed into one chapter. It still holds a lot of mystery even when you’ve read the entire series.

Most loved character

At this point I’ve gotta say Fitz. That’s who my heart is with during this book and he NEEDS IT

Most hated character

Okay I found Regal a much better villain on this read and hated him A LOT but whomst I despised even more w the very fibre of my being was Galen bitch disgusting!!!!!! Verity was so like, smug?? when he killed him and it was so satisfying. It’s what she deserves!!

Raise your hand if you’ve been personally victimised by Robin Hobb (most heartbreaking and/or visceral moments)

Literally this whole book was so harsh and I was perpetually emo throughout but off the top of my head, Fitz’s depressive episode after Shrewd and Chade test his loyalty fricking broke me, as did the entirety of Galen’s abuse/training; since I was paying so much more attention this time it hit a lot harder that he is an absolute textbook abuser and the psychological torment he inflicts on Fitz is just. deeply upsetting to say the least. It really got under my skin.

Details, observations, spoilery notes made with the benefit of the full picture

Okay this is where I just dump all the notes I took while reading that don’t fit anywhere else. It’ll be long lol so strap in.

- It’s never not funny to me that Narrator Fitz comes across as like a hundred years old when in actuality he is like twenty. Also that he looks back on himself with such a sense of wisdom and superiority, yet we know there is dumbarsery aplenty to come. Amazing.

- I’ve never really registered that for the first six years of his life Fitz had a mother who loved him and I don’t know how to feel about that

- REVELATION THAT SEEMS REALLY OBVIOUS IN HINDSIGHT: Fitz most likely only spoke Chyurdan when he was abandoned, which would have played a huge role in why he was not only quiet but unresponsive to what was happening around him. He probably didn’t even understand that he wasn’t going to see his mother again until much later, and he didn’t know how to ask questions. When he goes to the Mountain Kingdom and Kettricken comments that he speaks Chyurdan like someone remembering the language he doesn’t comment on it, so it’s likely that future Fitz doesn’t register that he didn’t always speak Six Duchies(?). He mentions in the narration that the memory of being abandoned is incredibly stark but not necessarily reliable, and possibly shaped by the Skill, which to me opens up the possibility that his memory is essentially auto-translating for him things he didn’t understand at the time. We also know that at the time of writing this he’s given up his memories of his mother etc. up to the stone dragon, so obviously his recollections of these traumatic events are going to be warped by that. Anyway thanks to my sister for pointing this out and being much smarter than me.

- According to Fitz’s grandfather, Chivalry always knew about Fitz. Don’t know how trustworthy a man desperate to yeet his grandson out of his care is but there ya go.

- Weird and hilarious that Shrewd tries to see Fitz on the day he arrives but then just like. What? Forgets about him? For years? lol

- Chade literally tells Fitz that he is a king’s man now and that’s the most important thing about him YIKES

- Chade becomes the closest thing Fitz has to a friend for quite a long time and that is fucking depressing

- It’s interesting that Chade had to be convinced to teach Fitz. It’s hinted at that there was an ~incident~ the last time they tried to train someone, followed by a long period of Chade being left to rot in the walls.

- Not to be out here diagnosing fictional characters but like.Fitz. Literally has depression.

- Fitz having to turn down Fedwren’s offer of apprenticing for him is so sad. It’s the life Fitz should have had.

- The Fool’s non-binary gender is mentioned as early as Chapter Nine! (Published in 1995! We have no choice but to stan!)

- “So quickly we were all made accomplices in our own degradation.” OOF.

- I really realised this time that the reason Fitz seems so shit at things he trained his whole life for later is because all that training was interrupted by many months of isolation, deprivation and abuse. All at the age of like 13-14. He got out of the habit of subconsciously acting in a way that Burrich or Chade would approve of. For a long time the only person he needed approval from was Galen, and he became completely single-minded about it because that was his means of survival. And you don’t just recover from that - especially since neither Chade or Burrich would give him the time of day for an extended period *after* his training was done. When Chade did finally talk to him again it wasn’t to recommence training really; he just gave him a bunch of tasks to do. By the time Fitz got to the Mountain Kingdom he was completely out of practice, and still managed pretty bloody well in spite of it.

- Kind of related to the last point: I love that while Fitz isn’t a savant at anything he’s a pretty realistic jack of all trades. He not only has an aptitude for learning almost any skill or subject but a genuine broad curiosity too. It’s one of the few things that is just him, ya know? It’s just his personality and something he can find joy in, even if it does also factor into his being used by others.

- Imagine being Burrich and finding out that your son thought you were a dog murderer for like ten years lol ouch

- Fitz thinks about the Fool soooo often in the Mountain Kingdom, pointing out things that remind him of him, or things he would like. It’s v soft tbh I love them so much!!

- Another dumb thing I forgot is that Regal is convinced that Shrewd had Fitz poison his mother to death, which adds a rather important layer onto his motivations lol

Anyone doing a reread feel free to fill this out! You don’t have to use the tag :)

#rote #realm of the elderlings #realm of the quarantine #robin hobb #this has taken many days to finish bc tumblr has been a bully!!

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bat-besties · 6 years ago

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On Impossibility - 6

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9

A popular!Logan and loser!Roman high school AU based on @2pointomg’s idea with eventual Prinxiety.

impossible

ɪmˈpɒsɪb(ə)l

adjective

· not able to occur, exist, or be done.

Eg. It is impossible to fund both the sports and drama programmes with the school’s limited budget.

· very difficult to deal with.

Eg. The situation which Logan Sanders, Student Body President, is in after he convinced the school board to cut the unsuccessful drama programmes is impossible.

· (of a person) very unreasonable.

Eg. Roman Prince.

To Roman, nothing is impossible. Not following his older brother Patton to acting college, not being a loser taking on the school’s popular Student Body President and definitely not writing and performing an epic school play with no money and six cast and crew members.

Edited by @alpacasarethegreenestanimal, who has an amazing fanfiction on AO3! If you like superheroes, sarcasm and Virgil angst then you’ll love this

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So close. They were so close.

‘Then this I say, oh noble knight, if you let go of your anger then you could be great. Give up the light – it is so comfortable here in the dark. Vines to hold you close, the canopy to shade you, thorns to protect you. Does the light not burn you?’

Kyle had a blanket cape round his shoulders and was jutting his chin confrontationally towards Roman. His pose was perfect, he knew his lines inside out, and his emphasis was just as Roman had imagined it when writing the speech late at night in his bedroom.

Roman suddenly broke out of character, running his hand through his hair. ‘That was great – really, really. Could we run it again? There’s just – you’ve just got to really feel it.’ Roman hated to be that guy – Kyle had been great, and their priority was to get a feel for the new set and adjust their blocking for the stage. But he had to be perfect. Roman would make him perfect no matter what it took, for although he knew the role was one which stretched his friend he had faith in him to get it right. All through workshopping a boy called Raphael had dominated Ombretto, throwing him into dramatic confrontation with Rosso and drawing him back into introspective monologues. To be honest, it had hurt Roman greatly when Raphael left ‘due to creative differences’ and Kyle had to be pulled from the role of Giallo, but he much preferred his friend’s delivery because he had learnt from Patton the importance of an actor subordinating themselves to the character.

It was six o’clock on a Saturday night and they had been there all day assembling the set, but Kyle ran the lines again - with more feeling. It wasn’t good enough for Roman, but then again hardly anything was. They moved on and he saw Talyn give Kyle encouraging finger guns from the wings. Kyle returned a small smile. Everyone was tired, but Roman had asked them to run through the whole thing again, so they had. While Patton’s entire year would go to the moon and back for him, Roman’s few friends would paint the Kuiper belt rainbow if he asked them to.

They should have gone home and caught up on homework after putting up the set, but the beauty of the set had transported Roman into ecstasies of inspiration, and he doubted Virgil would leave until the building was shut. The boy for once in his life was not scrolling through Tumblr, listening to music or fiddling with his sweater paws. He just sat starry-eyed in the front row of the seating, hunched forward in his over-sized hoody as he tried to hide a grin behind his hands.

The set Virgil had built was amazing. Fate had finally given the theatre troupe a helping hand as Dahlia’s neighbours had spare planks of wood from a loft extension they had not technically forbidden her from taking. Virgil had understood the aesthetic of Talyn’s designs and had decided to play around with the handmade nature of the set. Basically, it looked like the child of a Victorian toy theatre and the illustrations in a book of fairy tales raised by a goth/steampunk in the hedge of thorns from Sleeping Beauty. Or that’s how Virgil had pitched it. Originally there had been a scaffolding tower, but they had to improvise with the tall metal balcony from West Side Story Patton had once sung on so happily.

Virgil was weirdly proud of himself. He tried to be self-deprecating about his set, however he couldn’t help but be happy with it. Logan had always been complimentary about his work, but he did not have a great understanding of art, and Virgil had suspected the positive feedback was a key bullet point in the Word document ‘How to Get Self-doubting Friend to Apply for College.’ In contrast his new friends had very high standards, so a single nice word from Talyn would go around his head for days and days. Roman had been extremely exacting – a picture of the cliff from the Nightmare before Christmas had literally been ripped off Virgil’s mood board because the smoothness of it ‘didn’t fit the vibe, the emotion’ of the play – and now he was playing in the set like a kid in a candy store. Virgil understood it now, Logan and Roman’s drive for perfection. Oh sure, Logan was a textbook perfectionist and Roman was slapdash and confident in his own abilities, but in his own way the actor was just as meticulous about his work. The play – not yet named because there was not something which fit it well enough – was his baby. And while the set was a part of that brainchild it was Virgil’s own – baby was a weird comparison, it was just…he just had lots of feelings about it he hadn’t had for anything else before, OK? The exercise in 3D space was interesting.

At 22:00, a janitor finally came around. He peeked his head into the auditorium, then walked into it fully. Kyle was perched on the balcony, which was festooned with sequinned purple fabric vines, and Roman was kneeling in centre stage entreating him to come down, framed by chaotic brambles the size of tree trunks and twisted metal spider webs throwing bizarre shadows onto the wall behind him, covered with sheer green fabric donated by Mrs Damon. He looked at Virgil, who was entranced by the scene.

‘Hey kid, you part of this?’ he spoke quietly, not wanting to disturb the actors. Virgil looked up at him and nodded with a grin.

‘Good on you, kid. I told you that you shouldn’t use your drawing skills for rude caricatures. And now look at you!’

Virgil was rapidly beginning to lose his sense of mystery and magic. ‘That…that was not me. I told you, and I told the principal that that drawing wasn’t by me.’

The janitor took off his hat and sat next to Virgil in a fatherly manner. ‘If you didn’t draw that cartoon, then why was it on your locker, heh?’

Trying to be absorbed into the tear in the seat covering, Virgil gave the man an exasperated look.

‘Well, I’m here to ask you guys to leave. You need to sleep!’ replied the janitor brightly, completely unfazed by Virgil’s silence. He leaned in even closer to him. ‘How long is there left?’

‘Fif-een min’tes.’ was mumbled from behind a wall of purple hair.

‘Fine. You guys promise to look up, then you can have the time.’

‘Thks.’

‘Careful of that balcony. Bit rickety.’ With that Malcom headed into the hallway again, marvelling at the impact that simple sentence of his had made on that punk kid. Permanent sharpie and Tipp-ex on that locker as well. Sometimes kids just need a bit of self-belief.

Exactly fifteen minutes later, Roman bounded off the stage and thundered up to Virgil. Ignoring the fact that Virgil was putting into practice everything he’d learnt trying to disengage Malcom, he grabbed his hands and pulled him to his feet. ‘A cheer for Virgil!’ he yelled to the others.

There were scattered cheers from the cast and crew as they cleared up. ‘Visionary, visionary!’ shouted Roman, throwing his hands in the air.

Virgil blushed. ‘What does that even mean?’

Roman threw himself down on the gangway, pulling the emo down beside him. ‘One who has unique visions!’

Virgil looked at him sceptically. ‘I’m sure that’s not the exact definition.’

‘We can’t all be the calculator watch, can we?’ The annoyance entering Roman’s voice was jarring.

There was a beat of awkward silence as Virgil refused to forgive Roman or defend Logan.

Brightly, Roman grabbed Virgil’s hand and admired his nail polish. He looked up at Virgil and whispered, ‘Visionary, visionary.’ Over his knuckles.

Virgil recoiled and stood up. ‘What the ever-loving fuck was that?!’

Roman face-palmed. ‘It was meant to be…friendly.’

‘It was really weird! And not friendly! That was not in the realm of friendly!’

Roman rocketed to his feet, ‘Sorry to break it to you Virgil, but just because I’m gay, it doesn’t mean that I’m flirting with every straight guy I talk to!’

‘How is that-? It wasn’t- I didn’t even know that! Anyway, I’m not straight either.’

‘Well, fine. I’m not.’ Roman put his hands on his hips.

‘Fine!’

The two stood angrily staring at each other before dissolving into laughter.

‘How could you think I was straight?’ howled Roman, ‘And you’re not either? Yes!’ he punched the air.

Virgil was bent over, clutching his stomach. ‘I…I didn’t want to assume…’

Dahlia came up the gangway halfway, since the rest of it was blocked by two dorks rolling around on the floor. ‘We’re going to head, if you guys could lock up.’ Breathlessly, Roman waved her on.

Once the two came to they sat up, lounging against the seating.

Roman studiously didn’t look at Virgil as he spoke to him. ‘Your set – I love it.’

‘I know.’ The emo smirked at him, ‘you spent all evening playing in it.’

Roman’s hand shot to his chest as he gasped, ‘PLAYING! How dare you? I was acting!’ he made a point to gesture dramatically to signal his thespian talent. He put his hand down and turned to Virgil. ‘I do, though,’ he said earnestly, ‘it’s beautiful, and dark, and creepy, and fantastical, and better than I could ever have hoped for. We can do this – we can put on this play.’

Virgil’s insides twisted as he looked at the boy across from him, his face desaturated and pupils dilated by the dark. He wasn’t so sure of success. The costumes needed to be big and bold, and that meant lots of fabric and shiny things in elaborate designs. They had asked to use the black fabric which backed the curtain but had unsurprisingly been turned down, and money from rainbow T-shirt sales had covered enough for a dirndl for Margherita bought online and a shimmery brown and green leotard for the malevolent fairy (nicknamed Bob) after the set had been built, but for now the magnificent hoop skirts of the Evil Queen and flowing robe of Ombretto were impossible to realise.

‘Virgil?’

The emo snapped his eyes from Roman’s face. ‘Yeah. Let’s not count on…let’s not give on up this.’ He made eye contact again. ‘I believe in you. Or whatever. Dork.’

Roman smiled to himself a little. ‘And here I was thinking you were some massive edgelord.’

Virgil raised his eyebrows. ‘You saw my Nightmare before Christmas poster.’

‘True.’ Roman grinned, ‘But you were too cool for my Randy Newman impression.’

Virgil giggled. ‘You had a cowboy hat. And a pink plastic radio. And you were fifteen.’

‘I took it seriously! I wanted to be your friend.’ Roman emphasised each word.

‘Well, I wanted you to stop singing before I cringed myself a six-pack.’

They sat in silence for a while, neither wanting to suggest leaving.

‘I don’t know what I’m going to do with my future.’ Virgil’s head was flung back to look at the set, and his voice was soft.

Roman rolled onto his stomach, supporting his head on his hands. ‘What do you want to do?’

‘This.’

Roman put his hand on Virgil’s and smiled at him reassuringly, ‘Then do it. This is good.’

‘I…’ Virgil took a shaky breath. ‘I can’t. I’m not good enough.’

‘Virgil. I have been to four Broadway shows and twenty-three shows in other towns. I watch bootlegs like other kids watch let’s plays. I read about this stuff. I think you could easily design for a smaller show, and once you go to college…Broadway, baby.’

Virgil felt something suspiciously like hope rise to fill his chest. ‘Why would they take someone like me? From a school like this, which isn’t particularly keen on the arts, if you hadn’t noticed.’

‘Virgil – you have Mrs Damon who would write a book about you, let alone a recommendation letter. You’ve got this production, which will make one hell of an essay. The school is academic, and your grades are good. Besides, Patton did it – my older brother.’

‘I guess. But wasn’t he like some genius or something?’

It was Roman’s turn to break eye contact. ‘Yeah, he is. But we don’t need to be scholarship holders like him or anything. Just good enough.’

Virgil sat up, ‘You’re worried about acting school, princey? Big brother in New York and half-a-billion extracurriculars. Please.’

‘No extracurriculars now. But yes, of course I’m worried. I want to go to the same place as Patton, when we went to check it out with him it was…magical. These past few years it’s like he’s living every single dream I have. And I’m happy for him! I am! I’m super proud, but I don’t want to apply and be rejected, and he’ll be super nice about it…you know.’

‘Do your parents compare you a lot?’

‘No, god no.’ Roman shook his head emphatically. ‘They’re incredibly proud of both of us. It’s me. I do. And I know I shouldn’t…’

He broke off and tried to hide the fact that he was crying. The emo scooted closer and awkwardly pulled him into a loose hug, at which point Roman attached himself to Virgil’s hoodie like a baby koala.

‘Aw, jeez. Come on, dude. Don’t make me give a heartfelt speech. Just like, know, that I think you’re - good.’

‘Huh! Yeah, I am pretty good! Thanks for reminding me, J-Delightful.’ Roman pulled himself up and punched Virgil in the shoulder.

‘Alright, dudebro.’

The boy slumped again. ‘Arggggg. Now you think everything is fine!’

‘You do not look like everything is fine.’

‘Well, yeah, no.’

Virgil just wanted to paint and listen to emo music and be left alone. Why the hell was he landed with looking after overachievers?

‘Wanna come to my house tonight? We could watch Disney, or whatever. My parents would be happy I have someone to invite over.’

‘I would love that! I’ll text the old parents…Odin’s eyepatch! It’s eleven already! We’d better hurry!’

That night as Roman was spread-eagled on his bedroom floor, Virgil tried not to think of the lack of money for costumes, but they joined the usual procession of Logan’s eye bags, situations in which his set would collapse and his plan for the future which marched round his head whenever he tried to sleep.

Increasingly old-school Disney songs sung in bass, a voice passionately and loudly delivering lines or unaffectedly and quietly trying to explain ideas had echoed around his darkened bedroom too, but he preferred to not think about that.

#roman sanders #virgil sanders #logan sanders #sanders sides #sanders sides fanfiction #sanders sides au #prinxiety

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cgbraincell · 3 years ago

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this is such a long post

Although the SD card in my phone continues to fill with a great deal of pictures of geckos, the past couple weeks have been wholly exhausting and I have not had much in the way of shareable thought. My Visiting Friend gave me some pointers and encouragement about fixing up my space, and I started making some progress there. It is relieving in a way to not see my past life’s work staring me down, a continuous reminder of what I still owe. The freedom may allow me to move forward sooner rather than later and take care of my debts from another source of income, which is what I suppose I need at this point. My Oft Mentioned Friend has proclaimed the September Garage Sale, Yard Sard if you will, is on, so in addition to cleaning, reorganizing, tossing stuff, etc, I have had a renewed energy to continue to find things to put into that. Am making some good progress there.

Much of my focus had a clear starting point as well, as I have purchased a new metal wire shelving unit to replace my bookshelf with and get some better enclosures set up for my overstock of cresties (although Saturn has a pending home for October - he is now Chaos as his pending owner will be receiving him and a leo named Charisma...ironically “Chaos” is the less chaotic of the two). In a sort of bittersweet event, my knocking over and breaking of my tv has given me a little extra space to work with for the time being. I still feel very bad about that as it ended up being a birthday present from Dad. I’d be mad at myself if I wasted my own money but...just feel bad since it was his. I have not been using it much during the summer since I would primarily use it for gaming and the room gets too warm to justify turning on a console, but still. Some critter updates: Alduin is indeed approaching all others with the “Make Love, Not War” approach. So I have my gay gecko and pansexual gecko-who-thinks-he-is-a-dragon. He also decided earlier that “Pillow Mountain” was inadequate, and climbed up the blanket hung on the wall up to the ceiling, where he could observe what he believes to be his land. The fool. This is Eddie’s domain, her Queendom. He is merely a knight in her land.

“Buddy” is female. I am very quickly running out of time in naming her before “Buddy” becomes her actual name. Not that it’s bad, just doesn’t fit in with “I named these animals after something game-related or celestial.” But then with her spine does she fit in anywhere? She came in extremely shaky though, and that has alleviated with some supplementation (both included in her food and exposure to UVB). Buddy also thinks Pangea is the bees knees and acts as though it is a treat. She is completely disinterested in bugs. I enjoy her enthusiasm for healthier foods and nutrition! but I must save up to get a scan of her organs as I fear her absurd degree of spinal deformation - and resulting ribcage deformation - may be squeezing organs weirdly. Granted I also have pectus excavatum and I’m fine so maybe she is also. Would just be good to know.

Ripley has exceeded all growth expectations and is the clear standout in the babies. I weighed her the other night and she was 8.7 grams, when only 24 days prior she was 5.2g. I think I can see her grow if I stare at her long enough. Her clutchmate, Art, weighed in at a mere 6.1g in comparison. Both of these numbers exceed Pele, my first foray into a slow grower, and every gram increase feels like a milestone after having lost Ox, Vo, and Nah. Mars does not have a pending home unlike Saturn/Chaos, which is fine because we absolutely need to find a more experienced keeper for him. He is extremely uncomfortable with handling or even being seen, with the exception of wanting to be seen because I DARE not to feed him continuously. He hangs around where his food cup goes and just...stares. Stares so much. Reminds me of Sinistar’s “I hunger!” And what a fitting name that would be!

Kamata’s character is coming out a bit more, he has gotten more comfortable with hands and his inherent need to smell all the things and all the others reminds me a bit of Alduin...who he cannot be around, because there is aggression from Kamata and desire to mate from Alduin. Realistically I need to stop putting my animals near each other to see how they react, although neutral space usually keeps things clean. Even Io and Thel were fine, and for a while Io was pretty aggressive even just seeing another crestie. But there was some “hunting” from Kamata and he lunged at Alduin (who seemed blind to the fact that Kamata was there), only for my hand to Inexplicably be in the way (I always put up the barrier of me, Alduin bites me a lot when he’s trying to woo literally everyone else).

Grahm, whom I have not talked much of, has been more comfortable with life generally and is eating and putting weight on again. For a while he had gotten thinner as he grew longer and didn’t eat to keep up with it.

Shin is incredibly impatient with me as we wait on this presumed gal/dollar sale for Labor Day. I give him some good exercise but I know that isn’t adequate. He needs dirt, he needs a lot of roaming space.

Otherwise I have been fighting the Fruit Fly and Gnat Infestation of 2021. Eradication of the fruit flies ended up being just as quick as they made this area their home, but my goal was to do so swiftly after they flew up my nose. Gnats have been a bit more persistent, but are easier to catch in apple cider vinegar traps, and fly ribbon, and just smoosh by hand. Also their larvae do not pop the way the fruit fly ones do, which is...a blessing. Seriously gross.

My shelving was updated to potentially arrive to the store on the 3rd, so I am doing my best to make sure integration of that is as swift and effective as possible. Then I have enclosures to clean and set up. Labor Day. My SO’s birthday. The yale sale. Halloween preparation, Halloween... Then the cold. Bring the cold. I wish to be so cold.

#rambling

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anyway-i-love-vanderwood · 7 years ago

Text

✿ oops this has been mostly done in my drafts for like a week and i forgot to post it. Minor trio version of this post!

this poor moron doesn’t know how to deal with you.

he likes you, he realizes, fairly early on in his acquaintance with you. It’s after you say something interesting about one of his photographs - as per V’s usual - though the content of it is… odd.

Actually, you didn’t even mean for him to hear it, and he doesn’t even tell you for a long time that he even did. It was a quiet admission, mumbled under your breath as you stared at one of his larger prints.

“Is this… what it’s like to be happy?”

(you’re both sad and kind of screwed up, exactly V’s type.)

It’s way easier for you to admit feelings regarding inanimate objects than feelings regarding people, so you accepted that you loved V’s photography long before you understood that you also loved V.

At first, you attributed your constant thoughts of him to, y’know, having one of his pictures on your wall. You’d stare into space, chewing on your pencil and thinking about him, and when you realized what you were doing, you’d stop, shake your head, and briefly think about how weird that was before moving on.

A barrier was surrounded around your heart, one that prevented the realization of “damn, I like V”, and V realized pretty quickly that it was there. V also knew that he was a Trash Person Undeserving Of You, so he made absolutely no efforts to try to broach the topic of intimacy…

...but you were oddly open with him, due to your fascination with his photography.

You’d come to look at his photos. You’d ask him about what he was thinking, what he was feeling when he produced each shot, which often leads into deep discussions of emotions. these talks give you a deeper understanding into how people think, and V really is very patient with all your questions.

this makes things very difficult, because V really just wants to grab you by the shoulders and say, i like you!

but he’s terrifed of pressuring you, so he doesn’t!

UGH!

In the chat, you get weirdly protective of him. You’re defensive when Yoosung slanders him, you try to get Jumin to forgive him for the whole “oh yeah I kept the cult my ex-girlfriend was running a secret’, and you repeatedly tell V that, what the heck, he deserved literally nothing that Rika did. When asked to examine your motivations of why you’re doing this, all you can say is…

he’s too nice to have people say bad things about him!

No other reason, seriously!

No, Zen, STOP ASKING if you like him, YOU DON’T. THIS IS JUST A MATTER OF PRINCIPLE, OKAY?

All the while, V suffers under his crush, because every nice thing you do makes his heart skip double-time, but he keeps telling himself that he CAN’T like you, it’s RUDE, and confessing is just absolutely off the table.

Eventually, your interactions with the RFA start making you… envy the idea of a relationship. It’s Zen and Yoosung’s fault, mostly, they keep talking up the idea and how wonderful it’d be, but as you get more and more attached to people and figure out your own ability to handle emotions with V’s guidance, you start maybe kinda… wanting that.

And, clueless of his affections for you, you express that to V. How sad you are, that no one could ever love you because you’re a broken garbage dump of a person.

The resulting conversation gets impassioned due to V being desperate to convince you that no, that’s not the case. In the heat of the moment, he even says, “It’s not true! There’s someone who likes you!”

He regrets it immediately after, but when you press for more details…

He ends up being forced to confess.

and you end up being surprisingly okay with that.

V is comfortable. Safe. Considerate. He is pretty much the most non-scary person to like, and yeah, he has his Rika Hangups, but him not having it totally together makes you feel a bit better by comparison. And he’s been through pain! He knows what it’s like!

So… V ends up stunned as you accept his feelings with relative grace, and even after a month, he still can’t believe that you’re really trying this whole dating thing.

Saeran (Unknown)

look if you thought Jumin was a mess, then this is just a complete fucking disaster.

i can’t even articulate how badly this goes. neither of you have anything even approaching the proper faculties of dealing with Feelings, and Saeran just got out of a wackadoodle religious cult. His relationship with his brother is strained, his coping mechanisms are nonexistant, and he needs years of therapy before he’ll be anything even approaching normal. The only reason he’s even in a position to eventually end up in a relationship with you - and you, with him - is because of Jaehee.

Or, more particularly, Jaehee’s coffee shop.

Saeran, coming out of Mint Eye, is Completely Unemployable, and through a complex series of circumstances, Jaehee decides that screw working for Jumin, she wants to open her dream cafe. So, a few months after Saeran’s tumultuous exodus from the cult, he ends up working at Jaehee’s small start-up business as a barista…

...And you end up being their number one customer.

You tell yourself it’s because you want to support Jaehee in her business endeavors. You tell yourself that the atmosphere is nice, and that it’s a pleasant place to work, and that you like their cake. You tell yourself that Saeran is, shockingly enough, great at making coffee, and you other people’s lattes just don’t taste good to you anymore.

These are all, in some small measure, true - but that’s not the real reason why you show up like clockwork every day around the middle of Saeran’s shift.

He’s cute, and you want to see him.

Now, of course you attribute this attraction to his skill at making drinks. You’re just… happy to have such an amazing afternoon pick-me-up! And it’s - normal, that you’d be glad that Saeran seems to be slowly starting to smile, because he’s had a shitty life and you’re not totally devoid of human emotion. You can be inspired by his success! And Jaehee’s success! It doesn’t mean anything!

And Saeran, for his part, denies that he at ALL looks forward to your daily visits. He doesn’t anticipate it, watching the clock for it to tick down to your usual arrival hour. He doesn’t start making Your Usual as soon as he sees you walking down the street, and he NEVER, EVER gets worried when you show up a few minutes late.

that’d be silly, and saeran is not a silly man.

These lies pile up into a mutual crush that is half-adorable and half-exhausting for the surrounding bystanders. If anyone even so much as mentions that he might maybe like you, he flips out and stops speaking to you for a week. This, in return, makes you unhappy… but, unable to process why you’d be unhappy that Saeran is only responding to you in grunts, causes to to sulk and to escape the situation - i.e. halting your visits.

This distresses Saeran, who gets anxious around the time you used to visit… and annoys Jaehee, who now has to deal with a distracted, lovelorn employee.

This cycle of tiffs and spats lasts for over a year, where you find yourselves put in various compromising situations - i.e. being pushed to spend time together on Valentine’s Day, you ending up at the Choi’s place for Christmas, and you spending about two hours locked in a closet with the idiot tsundere. This… sort of gets you closer? Kind of?

After a really emotional, three-a.m. conversation where you both talk about how it Kinda Sucks not being able to make friends and seeing everyone around you happy while you… aren’t, the two of you think that, well.

maybe you kind of care for each other?

It’s - it’s a start.

Vanderwood

One day, a ‘manual of dating’ arrives on your doorstep, and you go through the entire RFA to find the culprit. Unsurprisingly, it’s Seven.

See, Seven has noticed something. You’re serious, severe, bad at jokes, and just in general at horrible at this whole human connection thing. You’re can be kind of prickly, and while you don’t really seem to take to most people, there’s someone who you’ve been getting kinda close to. Someone who’s often there for you, and someone who seems to genuinely like your presence, which the same is true in reverse.

That’s right, he’s talking about Vanderwood.

WHAT THE HECK, you say, because that’s DUMB, of COURSE you don’t want to date Vanderwood, they’re just… y’know, they’re not a moron. Of course you like them decently. If Seven stopped being a complete idiot, you’d like him decently, too.

Seven laughs, but shockingly enough, doesn’t press the issue. “Just read it,” he says. “Maybe you’ll learn something.”

Maybe you’ll learn something your ass. Hell, you’re about to throw it away when you think that it’s kind of a shame to throw a book out, even it’s stupid. Maybe you can use it as a paperweight or something. Bathroom reading material, maybe. It’d probably be good for a laugh, right?

That’s what you tell yourself that rainy day a month later when you pick it up again. ‘Good for a laugh’. Maybe you’ll find something funny.

Maybe you’ll text it to Vanderwood to laugh about with you.

Vanderwood has a heart attack at the first message, which is about how there’s an entire section devoted to date spots. Hahahaha, they laugh, that SURE IS FUNNY, the idea that they would want to take you to ANY OF THESE SPOTS.

(it’s not true, they tell themselves before planning to MURDER SEVEN FOR INTERFERING IN THEIR BUSINESS. it’s NOT TRUE THAT THEY LIKE YOU.)

You keep going on, talking about how ridiculous all this nonsense is (how to have conversations? great gift ideas? fun places to eat out - seriously?) and they keep sweating bullets, particularly when, in a fit of mania, you say

“Some of this actually sounds kind of fun. Want to try it?”

“what do you mean” they respond because oh my god are you asking them out

“I dunno, just as friends? It could be fun.”

so they go on one of these “fun expeditions” with you, just as friends.

The entire time, they are nervous and you are OBLIVIOUS. You have fun, so you ask them out again, because you’ve never really been good at friendship and you’re not an emotionless robot. You just have trust issues out the wazoo. But Vanderwood is reasonable, capable, and actually pretty funny, so spending time with them is entertaining…

And unlike Seven, they don’t make stupid jokes, which is a huge plus.

This happens again, and again, and again, and Vanderwood just kinda takes it as it comes.

After date number five, you start feeling this odd, warm fuzziness when thinking about them - and you think about them a lot. Your hangouts have been on the weekends, and you start, for once in your life, anticipating something. You plan out your excursions with relentless detail, using the manual for guidance… because you know they like things organized, and the longer you spend thinking about what you’re going to do with them, the happier you get?

You tell Seven this at three in the morning, and he’s like, ‘It sounds like you’re in love.”

WHAT.

NO.

YOU ARE NOT.

...right?

You get sulky and grumpy about this, because you can’t really deal with the information. You’ve never liked anyone before, but in an effort to prove Seven wrong, you flip to the section in your manual titled ‘accepting and analyzing your feelings’ and

whoops.

it’s like finding your symptoms on a WebMD document.

Anyway, this causes you to shut down. In terror, you stop communicating with Vanderwood, who gets really worried about you because not only are you their crush, you are their best pal, and of course they’re going to worry when something happens to you. So, after a day of radio silence, they show up at your place…

and when they say ‘hi’, you slam the door in their face, unable to handle even looking at them.

What the hell is wrong with you? You question for the bazillionth time, because even just seeing them makes your heart do this weird, horrible skipping. This can’t be love, can it? You feel like you’re dying! How do people live like this?

Vanderwood is worried, and starts banging on the door to be let in. They don’t understand anything that’s happening, and all they want to know is if you’re okay.

You tell them to go away, and Vanderwood is heartbroken, thinking they’d done something wrong.

When they find out what Seven has been plotting, they’re PISSED. They go to you again, telling you that Seven is an IDIOT, don’t LISTEN to him, everything he has to say is stupid, but - speaking to them from the other side of the door - you admit that

no.

seven is right.

y-you like them, the book said so, and this is awful and scary and -

and you don’t know how to DEAL with it and -

As you start panicking, Vanderwood asks to be let in, and they help calm you down when you finally open the door.

They tell you a bunch of things. That dating is honestly pretty silly, that it doesn’t matter, and you can just… have fun with them. Stop working yourself up. It’s fine, a-and, well, if you do like them, that’s okay, because they’re… not going to reject you… because they…

kinda like you too…

BUT YOU DO NOT HAVE TO RUSH IT IS FINE DON’T LISTEN TO SEVEN AND HIS BAD IDEAS, HE -

They stop talking when you hug them, because ever since you read about it in that book, it’s seemed like a kind of fun thing to do.

#mysme #mysme headcanons #mystic messenger #mystic messenger headcanons #mysme reactions #mystic messenger reactions #mysme imagines #mystic messenger imagines #long post #mystic messenger spoilers #mysme spoilers #vanderwood #v #saeran choi

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someonefromseoul · 5 years ago

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Nervous around my Sister

I know I said it’s enough journalling for today, but I just feel especially chattery today. There was a weird incident earlier today. I was eating pizza with my older sister in the living room while watching Netflix, and there was a moment when my sister made a joke. And I went through a really weird phase. Let me break it down in slow-mo.

I could feel my sister building up to a joke. I started feeling weirdly nervous. My nerves turned to anxiety when she did crack the joke, and all I could get out was a huff laugh. Like a really uncomfortable laugh that makes that “huff” sound. You know what I mean?

When she cracked the joke, I literally didn’t know how to react to that. I’ve been experiencing these moments quite frequently, but with a family member? That was pretty new.

Ofcourse, the self hatred intensified because I could feel my sister sensing my ants. And I know she generally looks down on people with anxiety. Surprise-your younger sister has it. There was a major awkward pause.

And it’s weird too because her joke wasn’t that out of the ordinary. It wasn’t exactly funny, but it was a witty comment that was pretty common. For me to not know how to react to that but instead with an uncomfortable “huff” was just so... off of me.

Isn’t it weird to get nervous around your sibling? Like what the fuck was that about? I felt really pathetic, but I kind of feel like there wasn’t much of an option for me that very moment because I know it’s not in my realm of control. I still remember the build up of my panic, knowing I was going to react in a weird way. I wanted to stop myself, but the build up was like an ocean wave that was about to hit the shore and you couldn’t really do anything about it other than letting it do its’ thing. Like you can’t stop an ocean wave from hitting the shore. I’ve tried it with my cousins back in elementary school and it didn’t work-we ran against it and pushed it back into the other side of the ocean, only to have it hit us in our faces every time along with our bodies being dragged to shore.

I have loads of stuff to talk about my family. Literally loads. I’ve been realizing and observing a lot of the stuff whilst living with them for the past months after I got back from school.

I found this on google-sfstherapy.

I definitely resonate with the second born and the middle child in this category, especially heavily on the middle child one. I have a hard time fitting in and my loss of identity still holds with me. My parents are literally the most caring and the best. They are literally the best people in my life, but I do feel some kind of resentment towards them about how they treat me compared to how they treat my siblings. Of course, the middle child definitely have their ups, but overall, I find the middle child the most nomadic and lonely. I’m also that “nice” child so I’m told to do chores my other siblings are never asked to do. Along with being made fun of and scolded exceptionally. I probably do have a victim narrative to some extent because I’m really sensitive. But I don’t think it’s all that.

I was and am aware of my mental state and my paranoia since I was a child. Heck, my family used to call me “paranoid” as a nickname. But I feel like the exclusivity and the black sheep frame comes from something deeper than my “paranoid sense”.

My dad was the oldest sibling of three boys. He was the breadwinner of the family-he literally dragged his family from poor to one of the richest. I can feel the power of his sense of responsibility and to be the “leader” of his fam. And he wanted to lend that quality to my older sister.

My mom was one of the youngest of six kids. She was second to youngest, but she was the youngest daughter which honestly makes her the youngest ch ild more than a middle child. Along with that, my younger brother is the only son in the family. My mom says she doesn't but it’s so evident that she favors my brother exceptionally. Like everyone acknowledges this cuz it’s FACTz.

When I got in a fight with my sister, I was almost always scolded for talking back or “not respecting my older sibling”. When I got in a fight with my brother it was always “he’s a baby, why aren’t you being more caring like an older sibling should be to younger siblings”. I’ve been complaining about this double sided shit for years only to have my mom disagree and gaslight me into this paranoid weirdo. She literally admitted to this very recently after we all became legally adults. She said she scolded me the most because I was the most emotionally sensitive and dull one (in terms of intellect and catching the point).

This sibling comparison still exists to this day but it’s in a different form after we have grown up. My sister is financially independent from my parents; she also works in a field my dad used to work in before he retired. They have a lot of things to discuss because they have that common ground. and they have that sense of first borne connection. Even if my sister is being a jerk, they brush it off as her being a cool or leader-like.

My younger brother just graduated from one of the most prestigious high schools in the country. My parents have high hopes for him. My dad praises him as his future dream. I get that.

And I’m kind of just there. I’m not particularly blaming them for this because it’s partly also my fault but I do not have an identity here. I don’t have a sense of belonging because I have no role. I used to think that was convenient; and I think it can and is. But it also comes with a double edged sword of not having a sense of acceptance in this familyhold.

I started dreading family dine outs too. That’s when my dad starts praising about his kids and I’m always left out of that. It was kind of embarrassing, but I think I kind of accepted it to some degree. It was to the point where my sister had to defend me and I was just like ._. where’s my jell-o. seriously so awkward.

But the sad part of this is that I understand where they’re coming from. I am the stupid one in the family because I didn’t study as hard or read as much as my sister and my brother did. It’s not that they’re doing this because it’s ME or if it’s only because I’m the middle child, but mostly because I CHOSE to not study like my other siblings.

I wrote this part in my physical journal earlier. I think it’s easier with my mom because she favors my brother exceptionally, but treats me and my sister fairly similarly. My brother is way up high, and my sister and I are in the middle, my sister being slightly more favorable. But we’re pretty much in the same lane.

It’s harder with my dad because I know he puts both my sister and my brother high up there with me in the middle alone. With my mom, at least I feel fairly loved with my sister. With my dad, I feel really left out and lonely.

One of the most upsetting part is that they don’t take interest with my field of study. I get that they don’t know much about it, but to not even give it a some kind of a curious George shows how they consider me because what I study is a huge part of my identity.

-to be continued.

#family #complain #middlechild #sadbitch #emo #lmfao

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bellyofkorea · 7 years ago

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Gripes

Yesterday was a fairly uneventful house-keeping type day. It was raining in the morning, I did laundry, and I watched all the most recent episodes of Rick and Morty.

One thing I want to address and hopefully overcome here is my horrible anxiety. I had anxiety before I came here and will probably still have it when I leave, but I want to get better at how I manage it and how I calm myself down. In NYC I’d get anxiety in hectic public spaces - Union Square subway station was a huge trigger for me. So many people walking in really disorganized and blind directions. I felt like no one was paying any attention to anyone else around them (too focused on their phones) and like no one was following any rules or organized routes within the station (the station is absolutely not set up in a way that gives any organized flow to traffic).

I’d get anxiety dealing with money, with plans, with work, with my apartment. It really didn’t matter. I would get stressed easily about anything and everything.

But, my biggest issues always stem from the fact that I get anxiety from interactions with any human. It doesn’t matter if I’ve known the person I’m interacting with for 15 years or 2 years or 2 seconds, I still get anxiety the first few moments of any interaction. I think this is why I’ve always gravitated towards and taken immense comfort from animals. It’s also why I sometimes wonder if I’m on some spectrum of social disorders.

I learned to lessen my anxiety in NYC by highly structuring my time. To the point that I would have dinner dates with friends planned months in advance. I could pick out where we were meeting, what I would be wearing, what time I’d get there, what train I’d be taking, and what plans I would have afterwards. This gave me illusion of control by me knowing exactly what to expect and that usually would temper any anxiety.

Seoul has been challenging me a lot because I have a lot of unstructured time and I have the added complication of not being able to communicate properly during the majority of my interactions with people. It’s a complete 180 from what I was doing in NYC and I’m having a REALLY hard time with it. Every morning I wake up feeling stressed, like I NEED to figure out what to do right away. The reality is that I should be able to just enjoy my free time and take pleasure in simple things like breakfast and the morning air on the roof with Honey (the dog).

I have been eating very weirdly here because I get so anxious about little things like grocery stores or ordering food from a restaurant. On top of that, I don’t feel quite at home in this apartment still, and that adds to my stress surrounding the ritual of eating food.

In short, to end this long gripe about my paralyzing issues with anxiety, Seoul is definitely challenging me to seek out new ways to deal with my personality quirks.

ANYWAY. I was originally planning on writing this update about some of my cultural shock gripes, but it made me realize my gripes all stem from anxiety I have... so now you have a backdrop to understanding the following list:

(panoramic from the rooftop)

1. Garbage disposal - The South Korean garbage disposal system is significantly more involved than any US system. The closest comparison I’ve experienced would be Seattle, but South Korea takes the cake for most complicated. At the apartment I have to figure out some weird system involved with separating compostables, plastics, metal, paper, and “regular garbage??”. And I still feel like I’m doing it wrong because my aunt never seems to be pleased with how I put things in the garbage.

But, whats worse, is that there are no public garbage cans (or at least in the majority of places I’ve explored -- only exception being the Olympic Park). This means that any time I get coffee to-go, I have to carry that coffee cup around with me until I go to another store where I can properly dispose of the cup. Many koreans have solved this issue by just leaving their cups wherever. It’s frustrating to see because this city is so careful with how they handle trash, yet their biggest flaw in the system is not having a better system in place for their public trash issue.

Lesson learned: never take anything to go unless I’m taking back home. Always drink coffees at the store and dispose of garbage before heading out.

2. Male/Female differences - This is really broad, but there are a couple things that bother me. Older, professional men, seem to be really entitled and gruff. They will literally walk into me if they think they have right-of-way on the sidewalk or subway. Women, all seem to adopt this extreme hyper-feminine appearance. I feel so butch in my most feminine outfits (who am I kidding, I’ve always toed that line in NYC too). The women all wear the same clothes too, with a few outliers. The other day I miraculously wore a stripped shirt on the same day as every other woman in Korea. I felt like I was suddenly part of an unspoken club. Like there is some memo that goes out - today we’ll all wear loose fitting stripped t-shirts with high-waisted pants.

Additionally, all South Korean women have dyed their hair to some extent. They’ve lightened it to a weird orange-y brown (the vast majority) or put some highlights in their black hair, or dyed it a different color entirely or bleached it. It makes me really sad - even though I know it’s a cultural phenomena. I feel like these women aren’t really embracing their natural qualities and are trying too hard to appear westernized. I hate it, but maybe that’s just some weird purist in me.

I could go on, but those are the main points.

3. Ajummas hate me. “Ajumma” refers to middle aged or elderly married women in Korea. I think it also can mean aunt, but it is mostly used to describe the latter. Ajummas have a real problem with my appearance. Majority of my experience comes from my aunt, her mother (Halmoni), and a multitude of women that materialize in the apartment... I don’t know who these ajummas are, but they keep just walking in the door at the apartment here. I think some of them are caretakers, some are house cleaners, some are relatives - but none of them are introduced to me.

The ajummas in the apartment just seem to think I’m some strange foreigner (which I am) and also seem to be really confused about how to handle my presence. Ajummas on the street usually give me the ol’ once over while scowling at me. All ajummas hate my tattoo (most gazes linger there) and they all hate any time I wear tank-tops, which leads into my final gripe.

4. Womens clothes. I guess this could fall back under my previous gripe, but this deserves its own number. Women in South Korea also seem to always cover their shoulders and arms. I don’t know if it’s a modesty thing or if it’s something about protecting their skin from the sun (pale skin in very “in” in Korea). Women in South Korea will wear short shorts, skirts, and dresses, but always with their shoulders covered - usually all the way down to the wrist.

For me, being naturally extremely sweaty, this has been an extreme challenge. I love the option of a tanktop because it allows my arms to breathe and usually prevents catastrophic pit stains.

I want to be polite and match the dress code as much as possible here - but at the end of the day, I usually shed down to a tank-top. That’s when all the ajummas stare at me like I’m a lunatic.

Okay, that’s it. I have more to say and write about, but this post has probably become one giant block of text, so I’ll end it here. Heres another pic just to spice this post up a bit.

Honey the dog, in the living room of the downstairs part of the apartment (there are two levels to this apartment). I have a whole post about Honey coming up tomorrow morning...

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suzanneshannon · 5 years ago

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Thank You (2019 Edition)

One of our yearly traditions here is to thank all y'all CSS-Tricks readers at the passing of a new year. It means a lot to me that people come here and read the words I write, and the words of all our staff and guest authors that contribute here as well.

Thank you!

Plus, we dig into the numbers this time of year. I've always tried to be open about the analytics on this site. Looking at them year after year always serves up a good reminder: niche blogging is a slow game. There's no hockey-stick growth around here. Never has been, never will be. The trick is to build slowly over time, taking care of the site, investing in it, working hard, and with some luck, numbers trend upward. This year, overall traffic didn't even do that. Sometimes you gotta fight for what you've got! Growth came in other areas though. Let's take a gander.

It was January 1st, 2019 that the current design of this site (v17) debuted, so this entire year overlaps perfectly with that. I'll certainly be tempted to release major iterations with that same timing in the future for comparison sake.

Overall numbers

Google Analytics is showing me 90.3 million pageviews, which is a bit of a decline from 2018 at over 91 million. A 1% decline. Not a big problem, but of course I'd way rather see a 1% increase instead. We'll take that as a kick in the butt to produce a stronger year of content to hopefully more than win it back.

Looks like we published 726 articles over the year, which includes link posts and sponsored links. A good leap from 636 last year and 595 the year before that. Clearly quantity isn't the trick to traffic for us.

I don't know that we'll slow down necessarily. I like the fact that we're publishing multiple times a day with noteworthy links because I like to think of us as a timely industry publication that you can read like a daily or weekly newspaper in addition to being an evergreen reference. I don't think we'll invest in increasing volume, though. Quality moves the needle far more than quantity for this gang.

There is a bunch of numbers I just don't feel like looking at this year. We've traditionally done stuff like what countries people are from, what browsers they use (Chrome-dominant), mobile usage (weirdly low), and things like that. This year, I just don't care. This is a website. It's for everyone in the world that cares to read it, in whatever country they are in and whatever browser they want to. We still track those numbers (because Google Analytics automatically does), so we can visit them again in the future and look historically if it gets interesting again. Taking a quick peak, however, it's not much different than any other year.

Performance numbers are always fascinating. Google Analytics tells me the average page load time is 5.32s. On my fast home internet (even faster at the office), the homepage loads for me in 970ms, but it's more like 30 seconds when throttled to "Slow 3G." "Fast 3G" is 8 seconds. Sorta makes sense that most visitors are on faster-than-3G connections since the traffic is largely skewed toward desktop. No cache, we're talking 54 requests (including ads) and 770KB (fits on a floppy). It's good enough that I'm not itching to dig into a performance sprint.

Top posts of the year

You'd think we would do a section like this ever year, but because of our URL structure, I haven't had easy access to figure this out. Fortunately, in March 2019, Jacob Worsøe helped us add some Custom Dimensions to our Google Analytics so we can track things like author and year with each pageview.

That means we can find things, like the most popular articles written in 2019, rather than just the most popular articles looked at in 2019 — regardless of when they were was written. Here's a graph Jacob sent:

Here's that list in text:

The Great Divide

Change Color of SVG on Hover

New ES2018 Features Every JavaScript Developer Should Know

An Introduction to Web Components

Where Do You Learn HTML & CSS in 2019?

The Many Ways to Change an SVG Fill on Hover (and When to Use Them)

Look Ma, No Media Queries! Responsive Layouts Using CSS Grid

How to Section Your HTML

Prevent Page Scrolling When a Modal is Open

CSS Animation Libraries

8.25% of traffic came from articles written this year. If you look at where these articles fall on the list of all URLs in 2019 (not just those published in 2019), the top article starts at #75! Hard to compete with older articles that have had time to gather SEO steam. This kind of thing makes me want to get re-focused on referential content even more.

Interesting that our top article was editorial, but everything else is referential. I like a little editorial here and there, but clearly our bread and butter is how-to technical stuff.

There are two aspects of search that are interesting to me:

What do people search for right here on the site itself?

What search terms do people use on Google to find this site?

On-site search is handled by Jetpack's Elasticsearch feature, which I'm still quite liking (they are a sponsor, but it's very true). This also means we can track its usage pretty easily using the analytics on my WordPress.com dashboard. I also installed a Search Meter plugin to track search form entries. I can look at Google searches through the SiteKit plugin, which pulls from Google Search Console.

Here are all three, with duplicates removed.

Jetpack Search Data Search Meter Search Data Google Search Data 1 amazon (?!) flexbox flexbox 2 flexbox grid css grid 3 css tricks flex css tricks 4 flexbox guide animation css important 5 css grid svg css triangle 6 css flex position mailto link 7 grid guide css grid vertical align css 8 css important css css comment 9 the great divide border css shapes 10 css shapes background css background image opacity

There is a bit of a fat head of traffic here with our top 10 pages doing about 10% of traffic, which syncs up with those big searches for stuff like flexbox and grid and people landing on our great guides. If you look at our top 100 pages, that goes out to about 38% of traffic, and articles past that are about 0.1% of traffic and go down from there. So I'd say our long tail is our most valuable asset. That mass of articles, videos, snippets, threads, etc. that make up 62% of all traffic.

Social media

It's always this time of year I realize how little social media does for our traffic and feel stupid for spending so much time on it. We pretty much only do Twitter and it accounts for 1% of the traffic to this site. We still have a Facebook page but it's largely neglected except for auto-posting our own article links to it. I find value in Twitter, through listening in on industry conversations and having fun, but I'm going to make a concerted effort to spend less time and energy on our outgoing social media work. If something is worth tweeting for us, it should be worth blogging; and if we blog it, it can be auto-tweeted.

But by way of numbers, we went from 380k followers on @css to 430k. Solid growth there, but the rate of growth is the same every year, to the point it's weirdly consistent.

I also picked up an Instagram account this year. Haven't done much there, but I still like it. For us, I think each post on Instagram can represent this little opportunity to clearly explain an idea, which could ultimately turn into a nice referential book or the like someday. A paultry 1,389 followers there.

Newsletter

I quite like our newsletter. It's this unique piece of writing that goes out each week and gives us a chance to say what we wanna say. It's often a conglomeration of things we've posted to the site, so it's an opportunity to stay caught up with the site, but even those internal links are posted with new commentary. Plus, we link out to other things that we may not mention on the site. And best of all, it typically has some fresh editorial that's unique to the newsletter. The bulk of it is done by Robin, but we all chip in.

All that to say: I think it's got a lot of potential and we're definitely going to keep at it.

We had the biggest leap in subscribership ever this year, starting the year at 40k subscribers and ending at 65k. That's 2.5× the biggest leap in year-over-year subscribers so far. I'd like to think that it's because it's a good newsletter, but also because it's integrated into the site much better this year than it ever has been.

Comments

Oh, bittersweet comments. The bad news is that I feel like they get a little worse every year. There is more spam. People get a little nastier. I'm always teetering on the edge of just shutting them off. But then someone posts something really nice or really helpful and I'm reminded that we're a community of developers and I love them again.

4,710 approved comments. Up quite a bit from 3,788 last year, but still down from 5,040 in 2017. Note that these are approved comments, and it's notable that this entire year we've been on a system of hand-approving all comments before they go out. Last year, I estimated about half of comments make it through that, and this year I'd estimate it at more like 30-40%. So, the straight-up number of comments isn't particularly interesting as it's subject to our attitude on approval. Next year, I plan to have us be more strict than we've ever been on only approving very high-quality comments.

I'm still waiting for WordPress to swoon me with a recommitment to making commenting good again. ;)

Forums

There were a couple of weeks just in December where I literally shut down the forums. They've been teetering on end-of-life for years. The problem is that I don't have time to tend to them myself, nor do I think it's worth paying someone to do so, at least not now. Brass tacks, they don't have any business value and I don't extract enough other value out of them to rationalize spending time on them.

If they just sat there and were happy little forums, I'd just leave them alone, but the problem is spam. It was mostly spam toward the end, which is incredibly tedious to clean up and requires extra human work.

I've kicked them back on for now because I was informed about a spam-blocking plugin that apparently can do incredible work specifically for bbPress spam. Worth a shot!

Interestingly, over the year, the forums generated 7m pageviews, which is 7.6% of all traffic to the site. Sorta makes sense as they are the bulk of the site URLs and they are user-generated threads. Long tail.

Goal review

✅ Polish this new design. Mixed feelings. But I moved the site to a private GitHub repo half-way through the year, and there have been 195 commits since then, so obviously work is getting done. I'll be leaving this design up all of 2020 and I'd like to make a more concerted effort at polish.

✅ Improve newsletter publishing and display. Nailed this one. In March, we moved authoring right here on the site using the new Gutenberg editor in WordPress. That means it's easier to write while being much easier to display nicely on this site. Feels great.

☯️ Raise the bar on quality. I'm not marking it as a goal entirely met because I'm not sure we changed all that much. There was no obvious jump upward in quality, but I think we do pretty good in general and would like to see us continue to hold steady there.

❌ Better guides. We didn't do all that much with guides. Part of the problem is that it's a little confusing. For one thing, we have "guides" (e.g. our guide to flexbox) which is obviously useful and doing well. Then there are "Guide Collections" (e.g. our Custom Properties Guide) which are like hand-picked and hand-ordered selections of articles. I'm not entirely sure how useful those hand-curated guides are, especially considering we also have tag pages which are more sortable. The dudes with the biggest are the hand-written articles-on-steroids types, so that's worth the most investment.

New goals

100k on email list. That would be a jump of 35k which is more than we've ever done. Ambitious. Part of this is that I'm tempted to try some stuff like paid advertising to grow it, so I can get a taste for that world. Didn't Twitter have a special card where people could subscribe right from a Tweet? Stuff like that.

Two guides. The blog-post-on-steroids kind. The flexbox one does great for us, traffic-wise, but I also really enjoy this kind of creative output. I'll be really sad if we can't at least get two really good ones done this year.

Have an obvious focus on how-to referential technical content. This is related to the last goal, but goes for everyday publishing. I wouldn't be mad if every darn article we published started with "How To."

Get on Gutenberg. The new WordPress block editor. This is our most ambitious goal. Or at least I think it is. It's the most unknown because I literally don't know what issues we're going to face when turning it on for more than a decade's worth of content that's been authored in the classic editor. I don't think it's going to hurt anything. It's more a matter of making sure:

authoring posts has all the same functionality and conveniences as we have now,

editing old posts doesn't require any manual conversion work, and

it feels worth doing.

But I haven't even tried yet, so it's a don't-know-what-I-don't-know situation.

Again, thanks so much!

I was thinking about how stage musicians do that thing where they thank their fans almost unfailingly. Across any genre. Even if they say hardly anything into a microphone during the performance, they will at least thank people for coming, if not absolutely gush appreciation at the crowd. It's cliché, but it's not disingenuous. I can imagine it's genuinely touching to look out across a room of people that all choose to spend a slice of their lives listening to you do your thing.

I feel that way here. I can't see you as easily as looking out over a room, but I feel it in the comments you post, the emails you send, the tweets you tagged us in, and all that. You're spending some of your life with us and that makes me feel incredibly grateful. Cheers.

🍻

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orphans-forest-blog · 6 years ago

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If Liberals Really Want to Persuade Conservatives ‘Global Warming’ is Real, They Need to Read This

To Persuade Conservatives 'Global Warming' is Real, Read This

Here we go again... A new bombshell report from the United States government has been released on the issue of "Climate Change," which says that we are all soon going to be destroyed by the impact of rising temperatures. Liberals and the media have, predictably, pounced on the findings as vindication of their already religious-level belief in the Blog9T concept. Meanwhile, conservatives, slow to fully accept the predictions of doom, and President Trump who is overtly disdainful of them, are openly ridiculed by the establishment as being anti-science and, frankly, at best, just plain dumb. I come at this issue from a fairly unusual position. For instance, as a highly-educated conservative who loathes Trump and the anti-intellectualism which has overtaken the Republican Party since his successful 2016 coup, I am extremely open to the idea that our climate is changing considerably, and that man may play a significant role in that development. Adding to this predisposition to accept that science is very real, and that scientists are generally to be trusted, is that my grandfather was a fairly renowned "rocket scientist." To top it off, it was his stubborn unwillingness to accept the scientific conventional wisdom which probably saved our space satellite program from some serious setbacks. To be clear, I am not suggesting that this genetic background gives me some special insight into the validity of climate science. Obviously, it does not. But this heritage does makes me very accepting of any science-based argument which is grounded in logic and evidence. Despite all this, I must admit to something which, if I was part of the media's club of "cool people," would get me kicked out faster than anything other than overt racism or sexism: I do not currently believe that the case for catastrophic man-made Global Warming/Climate Change has been convincingly made. In fact I am offended by the extreme arrogance of those who routinely act like holding such a position is akin to committing blasphemy against some sort of new-age religion. If the proof is so damn overwhelming, then why not just persuade us conservatives with the facts? Contrary to liberal perception, there actually are some sound reasons for the reluctance of many conservatives to buy into cataclysmic climate scenarios. Here are ten of them... A dramatic change in branding: When the name got altered from "Global Warming" to "Climate Change," it felt like we were being scammed and that, because it was still getting very cold in all the places where it should be, liberals simply needed a re-branding which gave them more flexibility. Suddenly, every possible negative weather event could be safely placed under the umbrella of "Climate Change," and there was no longer any way to disprove the theory because, get this, when it gets too cold that's also evidence of "Climate Change"! The climate has always changed: Each summer my family goes to Yosemite National Park where we stay in the valley which was created by a glacier, and which melted well before man could have had any impact. Weirdly, this dramatic cooling and then warming did nothing more detrimental to the environment than create one of the most beautiful places on earth. The data pool is highly overrated: Climatologists tell us all the time that the last few years have been the hottest on record, as if we have been calculating a global temperature in the same fashion since the dawn of man. But we only have a little more than a century's worth of actual temperature data against which to compare. Even then, the data is deceiving because we have only been calculating a "global temperature" in a precise way for, at most, about a generation thanks to extraordinary advances in technology caused by the space program. That short span is the blink of an eye in terms of climate, which has historically changed over hundreds if not thousands of years. While not a perfect comparison, no one would ever think they could predict where the stock market will be in twenty years based on just a few days of trading. Weather/climate hypocrisy: Whenever it gets unseasonably cold and a nonbeliever points this out (like President Trump did regarding this year's chilly Thanksgiving), it is correctly countered that this kind of thinking is illegitimate because "weather" and "climate" are not the same. However, invariably, whenever unusual weather-related events occur (like the recent wildfires here in California [which in my view had nothing to do with "climate change"], and the two devastating hurricanes which hit the southeast earlier this year), this incredibly important winter-time distinction is suddenly conveniently forgotten. It becomes okay to cite climate to explain weather. "The debate is over" argument: The worst way to get conservatives to believe in something is to tell them to shut up and just accept what liberals are telling them because it is so obviously true that there need not be a debate about it. Especially when this conviction is based on the fact that a bunch of academics and major media members, groups made up almost entirely of liberals, have nearly unanimously decided what that truth is, and that literally no one else should even be allowed to publicly question that. Saying "the debate is over" is essentially invitation for debate. Confirmation bias and conflicts of interest: A large part of why the "shut up and go along" tactic fails so spectacularly here with conservatives is that those making that case have obvious conflicts of interest. Climatology is FAR sexier and more lucrative for everyone involved if it is the source of a global doomsday scenario. The entire "industry" is now so invested in this prediction being true that it is perceived as career suicide for any established person to dare to buck prevailing wisdom. When you add to this the fact that, surely by pure coincidence, the solution to this massive and imminent problem sounds like an excuse for implementing global socialism, and it's no mystery why conservatives won't blindly go along. Over-the-top predictions that never seem to come true: Whether because of a desire to create attention for the topic by grossly exaggerating, or because they are just, oddly, really bad at predicting the very future about which they are warning, the forecasting record by the Global Warming/Climate Change people has been mostly horrible. They will tell you that the data indicating increasing temperatures in recent years is a fulfillment of their prophecies, but it is theoretically possible that there is a warming bias in the way that data is being accumulated in this now very modern technological era. Where is the real world impact?: As Walter Mondale famously asked of Gary Hart (via a then-famous Wendy's commercial), "Where's the beef?" If the climate is obviously changing so rapidly, why aren't we seeing clear-cut deviations from what we are used to? As a golfer, if The Masters tournament, held in Georgia the second week of each April because that is the prime of spring, is forced to move to March because of the warmer temperatures, then I will be an instant believer. However, until then I need something more than just biased reports on the seemingly ever-changing state of the polar icecaps. Doom is always just far enough away: History has shown us that there is very little downside to someone claiming that, unless we listen to them, we are all doomed (it's literally a "can't lose" prediction!). The key to this gambit is for the prophecy of disaster to be far enough away so that, if it doesn't happen, then people will have forgotten all about it, and the person who made the false claim either dead, or SEO Blog9T at least retired. Many conservatives are highly cynical about the fact that predictions in this realm just happen to always fit perfectly into "we have to act now while I am still relevant, or else we will all die right about the time I am no longer around to be held accountable if that doesn't actually happen" category. Can/should anything be done anyway?: This may be the toughest issue for conservatives to get past. The globe is so large, and we in the United States are such a relatively small part of it, that, even if we destroyed our own economy in an effort to combat the alleged problem, it sounds like we couldn't even make a real dentanyway. Then there's the part of this which no one ever talks about; some warming of this earth would have many positive effects and, up until a point, may actually be an overall net positive (which may be why this most recent report went WAY beyond any other by predicting a seemingly ludicrous 11 degree increase in temperature over the next 80 years). -- That's just ten reasons why there is skepticism on the right, and why liberal efforts to quash that skepticism continue to fail. [Featured image via screengrab] Follow John Ziegler (@Zigmanfreud ) on Twitter This is an opinion piece. The views expressed in this article are those of just the author.

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pinelife3 · 8 years ago

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Montezuma 2EEE

This is MF DOOM on the Jake One track 'Get 'Er Done':

Make no mistake son, it's Jake One, he makes beats well like I likes my steaks done with sauteed onions and hella worcestershire, a gush of beer to wash it down.

First of all, whew that internal rhyme! Worcestershire//gush of beer. Yes! I feel like only MF DOOM can do this shit. I read a really interesting write up on MF DOOM from Ta-Nehisi Coates recently. Coates seems like the nicest guy ever - he's so smart but also completely unpretentious. He writes for Marvel and The New Yorker and seems to easily move between those worlds. (I was in a comic book shop today and feeling kind of out of place but the bald, bearded goth guy behind the counter was super nice, and declared the book I put on the counter an “awesome read” and then he recommended some other stuff to me as well. This is a wildly irrelevant anecdote - was just thinking about comics.) Anyway, Coates talks about DOOM, but also his own experience as a hip hop fan:

I kept the assembled works of Wu-Tang Clan on repeat and stewed, convinced that somewhere around 1998 hip-hop had run out of things to say. I was not alone. Disaffected music fans began to refer to the halcyon days of the eighties and nineties—when every rapper had a d.j., and label owners didn’t vamp in videos, confusing themselves with artists—as “the Golden Era.”

We were the kind of fundamentalists that haunt every genre of popular music. By the end of the nineties, we had started seeking a sound that offered something other than guns, girls, and drugs. Some of us found neo-soul. Others got lost in our parents’ jazz records. And still others were radicalized and turned to U2 and Björk.

Not to be picky, but I feel like Wu-Tang talks about guns, girls and drugs plenty. But they also talk about the Shaolin, martial arts and poverty and I guess that's the difference. Anyway, I never knew why DOOM wore the mask, but he says:

I wanted to get onstage and orate, without people thinking about the normal things people think about. Like girls being like, ‘Oh, he’s sexy,’ or ‘I don’t want him, he’s ugly,’ and then other dudes sizing you up. A visual always brings a first impression. But if there’s going to be a first impression I might as well use it to control the story. So why not do something like throw a mask on?

Huh. This other musician I like, Brock Berrigan (he makes really nice beats -you should check him out), always wears a chicken head mask - possibly for reasons similar to DOOM's. For me, that reasoning doesn't check out though, because aren't people obsessed with unmasking? I guess if nothing else it creates an iconic image around your act without that having to literally be your face the way it is with most other artists. ANYWAY, I guess lyrics don't need to be technically amazing like DOOM's to be entertaining - this dude Open Mike Eagle has some good lines. From his track "Ziggy Starfish (Anxiety Raps)":

I log into my Twitter page And start bending over like Gollum This dumb cred is like crack rock And I never seem to hit bottom

Sweet Gollum reference - I had to look this one up. The "bending over" kind of threw me: I thought he was maybe saying something about hoes on social media but then why would he be bending over? Then I thought maybe he was saying he was gay and hoeing on social media himself but it still seems weird to invoke Gollum in that context, right? I like Gollum as much as the next person (i.e. a lot), but I would not be super keen to draw comparisons between his appearance and my own (although we do share the same sickly pallor and blue eyes - plus, I too have spent many years living in a cave). According to Rap Genius (and the line's context - I am truly an idiot for not getting it sooner. Maybe I just wanted it to be something sexual to do with Gollum) he's just saying that he's addicted to Twitter and the praise/attention it affords him, similar to how Gollum is addicted to the ring (and crouching).

From age 18 - 21 I was super into Fleet Foxes (I think they hold up. They're pretty irresistible, right?). They have this song "Montezuma" which finishes like this:

Oh man what I used to be Montezuma to Tripoli Oh man oh my oh me

I guess I'm an idiot because when he sings "Montezuma to Tripoli" I always heard "Montezuma 2 Triple E" and imagined it stylised like this: Montezuma 2EEE. Tripoli obviously makes more sense but it never even occurred to me that he was saying that. I thought he was referring to something mysterious and abstract. (Writing it out like EEE makes it look like a bra cup size. I don't know if they do triple cup sizes (they do!). Even doubles make no sense to me. Okay, so I've quickly Googled it. If you're curious: it turns out that a double or triple letter cup size indicates that the boob being cupped sits somewhere between two cup sizes - so a DDD breast is bigger than a DD breast which is bigger than a D breast, and all of them are smaller than E. That's what this website says anyway. But this whole framework really falls down with the AA cup, because a AA is smaller than an A. It should at least be consistent. I've been wearing bras for years (big shot coming through) and am only now learning about all of this. To be honest, I am incredibly guesstimate-y with my bra shopping: band size is pretty consistent but cup size swings wildly across the alphabet. Should probably get fitted but I feel awkward being fondled by a shop assistant. Plus, it's not like I walk into a bra shop and immediately think that the shop attendants have great breasts - why should I take their advice?)

Montezuma 2EEE: I imagined some weird website which was techy and totally opaque to me, but also somehow involved Aztec emperors. I kind of want to make a weird, pointless website ("isn't that what this blog is, Kath?") because I have pinelife.net and nothing is happening there - I post all my Pinelife blog posts there too (which I know is a real waste of effort - my time is worth nothing so I don't mind wasting that) but I kind of prefer Wordpress' text editor to Tumblr's so it has that advantage. I found this really weird website (please please check it out) a while ago via the House of Leaves subreddit and found it so intriguing and exciting. I don't know why, but I had this insane rush of adrenaline while I was exploring the website. It was cool. Maybe I should make a weird, labyrinthine, pointless website of my own: it'll have shitty navigation, the font and background will be the same colour, possibly other things will be wrong with it too. It'd be something to do anyway. Maybe instead of making a book object I could make a website object - is that a thing? This might be a good way to waste some (more) of my time anyway. I do kind of want to make something. I’ve been bored with blogging for a while. Or, I don’t know - I enjoy doing it and looking back on my old posts (out of the vault: remember this one about cynicism and church? I was so proud of that. Weirdly, my favourite post from last year is this stupid one about pizza which was really low effort) but I don’t know if there’s anything I’ve written in the last year that I’m that proud of. The year went really fast and I feel like I’ve change a bit (or maybe a lot, I’m not sure).

Montezuma2eee.com is available. Hmmm. I already have pinelife.net. Is it greedy to want another domain? I doubt Montezuma2eee is going anywhere (but I’d feel like quite the fool if someone did take it from me - I can’t really be the first to think it’s 2EEE - it literally sounds exactly like it). Anyway, I should play around on pinelife.net for a bit before making the $0.99 commitment to a new domain.

Urgh. I’m an idiot. I nuked pinelife.net and all of the images I’ve uploaded to Wordpress there are gone and I’m lazy and never bothered to upload them to stupid tumblr, I just copied them and now they’re gone. I hate myself. Why didn’t I think for like half a second before deleting everything? Plus, there must be a better way to delete Wordpress beyond FTPing in and trawling through all my folders and deleting anything with a wp prefix. What happens if I just delete everything, like all the folders, and just start from scratch? I’ve forgotten how all this works. (This blog post is a real, rambling steam of consciousness. If I had any editorial credibility I would not publish this thing.)

Hey, talking about me trying to be creative: I was just hunting around my writing folder (basically untouched since 2015) and found this monstrosity I made to mourn the demise of Google Reader (wtf is/was wrong with me?). Jesus I have no memory of making this. Troublingly, I feel very pleased with this thing and its weirdness (obviously if I was genuinely embarrassed I wouldn’t share it here). This would have been 2013.

Also, I won’t post this, but I found an old poem I wrote (lame) in 2012 for uni which is all bullet points and features the word “pre-cum” in the first line. 22 year old me: why?

More? This is the start to a novel I was writing when I was 22/23:

Sirens by the swamp. The river doesn’t move in the summer heat: green carpet of scum across the surface. Two police cruisers are parked on the grass, another blocks the footpath. An officer unfurls yellow tape.

In a local 7/11 the Slurpee machine releases its hold on life and a stickiness of Cola flavoured low calorie slush spills forth. Potato salad is left to putrefy at a hundred backyard barbeques. In a thousand shitty sedans the steering wheel is too hot to hold. In a million armpits sweat prickles through dark hair to find cool air.

The body is partially submerged in the swamp. Obscured by slime and dark water, her hair is tangled in water grass, an eel nuzzles her cheek. From the waist down she is naked, seething with ants and flies. There is a tattoo of a dragon on her hip. If there was a lot of blood it’s now vanished into the mud. Someone has performed a riverside hysterectomy: it was not tidily done.

Sirens by the swamp. Five girls stand in the shade under the bridge: jutting hips, bare feet, iPhones, string bikinis, denim shorts. One pops gum as a police officer asks her preliminary questions. Another discretely photographs the crime scene with her phone. Their families are not expecting them for lunch. It’s Werribee and it’s Christmas day.

****

ppl made a new word for wh@ happened. they said th@ she had been uncunted. 2 b fair it was pretty bad nd even sum of tha sirens said they thought a line had been crossd. dead girl wasn’t even from werribee. actually th@s probably why she was dumb enough 2 go down by tha river

the thing th@ made me haha was th@ channel 10 made such a big deal about her being found by tha sirens b/c theyre young girls and tha news ppl tried to make out like its not a safe town 4 girls nd like girls shouldnt go out alone nd they tried to use tha sirens as an eg of young women in peril. but it was like oh man have u got it wrong. those river girls are bad

honestly werribee is fine so long as ur not fool enouf 2 go down by tha river. th@ is the ao for sirens nd eeeeevery1 nos not to go their less they want they dick sucked nd there future ruined. haha 4 real the news crews + police r lucky they didnt get uncunted 2

#MF DOOM #Jake One #Ta-Nehisi Coates #Gollum #Google Reader #Fleet Foxes #open mike eagle #Brock Berrigan

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