#and before you come for me... i am very queer myself ok😂

[mannap]

Why does literally EVERY F1 TikTok on my feed suggest this search????😭😂

You go girl🤴🏼 (but what is the reason tho)

[fandom-hoarder]

911 8x06

Last week, before I could watch the new 911 ep, some people on my dash spoiled me with untagged spoilers and I literally started crying. Because the way people were talking about it made it sound like there was biphobia from Tommy and a cheating storyline, and that supposition sparked my election depression--- was this an alternate ending based on election results? (a WILD assumption, i kept telling myself; nevertheless, the doomerism persisted); a sign of queer suppression in media in the coming regime? biphobia in general, which is so enraging as a bi person?

And, to be clear, these thoughts and worries are not Hen/Karen erasure. They're literally my favs. But it IS about the way bisexuality is often treated, both in media and irl, as if you have to choose one way to be. As if bisexuality is some sort of schrodinger's sexuality.

It turns out my extreme anxiety over it wasn't completely warranted, at least from my pov as a writer. But it took me a few more days to actually level out and watch it clear headed.

So before the new one airs, here's my copy/paste from my dm a few days ago to @supernaturalkickparty 😅

I gave in and started the 911 ep. I'm CACKLING at the end of the urn Omg. *Abby* I... ok i can see a straight line to breakup from this, but I'll have to see how it plays out Omg the next case is about divorce Josh is really cute in this ep Josh's speech has me verklempt Istg they just better not erase buck's bisexuality Omgodddddd we are NOT sending another little kid down lmfao this is gonna make me cry Goddd 😭😭💜💜 God. This is gonna hurt. God. Whyyyyyyy. God whyyyy does it have to be THIS "Believe me, I didn't see it coming either." GODDDDDDD I'm just so fucking glad it wasn't a breakup over cheating Eddie lmfao I'm so glad the mustache is gone😂😂 Lmfao omfg eddie opens the door to buck and he's in his underwear???? This is the fucking start of a fic. No wonder the buddies are being insufferable God please don't let buck's rebound be a girl. Just please. Please. Don't make it be all girls now :(((((

Anyway, I can see a decent resolution to this, and I'm hopeful it will go as well as I usually think of this show's storytelling---which is to say I think 911 does a pretty good job of weaving meaningful character arcs that tie in a bow by the end.

And even though I am still marginally worried about whether buck's bisexuality will be fulfillingly handled, I don't necessarily think this breakup is bad. Buck's thing is breakups as character growth; and while I did think that we were moving past that in his coming of age arc growing into maturity, and as much as I love bucktommy, I didn't really expect Tommy to be his last or for a breakup to be completely off the table. I expected one eventually, and not for buddie reasons.

I don't even really ship buddie in canon, or see an inevitable queer storyline for eddie (though i do love buddietommy, but y'all already know i always think there should be an ot3); I just figured there would be typical buck drama, and hey... I settled down and figured this is that.

And also... like, yes it's frustrating that Tommy broke it off because of the whole "i'm the only guy you've ever been with," but like...that expectation that Buck will end up breaking his heart isn't really bad writing. I wish there'd been more LEADUP to it (I still hope we'll get some actual tommy pov on this to sympathize with him and see where that came from, as they have tended to do in the past with character backstory), but the fear that as someone's first you won't be ENOUGH eventually is very real.

I was my partner's first, but he wasn't mine, so even when we got engaged I was like, "are you really ok with this?" And he said yes of course and i took him at his word, but it didn't immediately erase the feeling that I was taking experiences away from him lol. So I can really see where Tommy is coming from, despite my sorrow and anxiety about the remaining unknowns. But I do hope there's more to this.

[the-official-account]

Three of Hearts episode 17 live blog

(this bitch has spoilers)

On sabbatical from my impromptu career in marketing, and also (sigh) life, here's another liveblog! The first one on tumblr, the platform where I am somehow even more unapologetically long winded

@threeheartscast

OOOH another flashback I love these. Getting to know spar before clovenheart is <3. Of course it's malicious compliance that's the best type of compliance.

Ooooh I gotta love a seedy literal underbelly. I'm excited to listen to that quiet year series omg.

Okayyyyy I see that moody lighting we've got going one 👀👀👀

ALL THREE AT ONCE IF YOU ARE EXTREMELY SKILLED

Invite only altered people club is so rad.

Scales and tails notes for future me writing a very particular sort of fanfic

Note to find out how to spell yaccab's name right for that fanfic LMAO

GOD I love spar. The puring for the table, the going out to have fun and going it by acting like a host. He's such a people person in a way that's like....Shepardly? OH like a herding dog! Not so much that he's forceful but so much that when he's got you marked as a friend he's gonna make sure you're ok make sure you're okay make your you're okay, your good? OKAY GREAT!!!!! :D

And it's so lovely and wholesome and warm and I'm glad it's a dude filling that sort of role. As much as I love my sexy hostess with the mostest trope, accommodating individuals come in many flavors and genders!

OMG YACCAB IS SO NICE IM SO GLAD SPAR HAS A FRIEND LIKE THAT

Okay writer brain is telling me that while I don't think vellum is TOO straight laced to go here...... hmmm these notes will NOTE be posted yet

(I would've listened to more of the episode by now and maybe gotten to 18 if my brain didn't go on a HARD left turn after that. Know that the live in liveblog means "with many, MANY pauses")

Spar is like "hmm. I moved away from my tribe of people like me. Unacceptable. I'm gonna adopt everyone in this shady ass establishment" and yk what I respect that. Queer life goals.

Let a man get drunk without interruption, oh my god!

I realized "Yaccab" might be "Jacob" and I am... a perfectly intelligent English speaking person! But monolingual.

I don't like this dude for ruining the party. He's probably fine but. Still.

The dynamic I'm imagining between Spar and Jacob is like...Not friends with benefits, but not NOT friends with benefits. Sex-positive, queer, and close enough to where they're super physically comfortable (he was literally on his lap lmao) and they may have kept eachother company once or twice! But like. I'm thinking of that dynamic that is sort of "our relationship is neither platonic nor romantic not queer platonic but between all of those things, and I want you to find somebody but I consider it my responsibility to decide if they're good with you" type beat. Yes these posts are very often me taking notes for myself later. Ah to be free of the twitter character limit.

"....that's fucked up." THE WAY I HOLLERED. Yacob (final awnser) is so confused and spar is so drunk lmao.

OH WAIT IS YACOB AN EX? idk I mean previous statements still mostly count.

I'm too aro for this shit— I don't care how much characters kiss I deadass forget traditional romantic situations are like. Possible.

Why does spar keep giving YACOB responsibility 😂😂😂😂 narrative brain is saying "Setting up to spar trusting vellum with Anya or sorrel n them/paralleling when he sort of did fighting jasper" the part of my brain that wants to put my blorbos in my mouth and chew on them like the word "intellectual" was never invented is going HAHA. SHEEPDOG!

Ah yes the classic Italian stereotype: possessing fancy hats

Jordan introducing the folks in this room as "two women and a man" is THE most gendered sentence that I think exists in this podcast and that is VERY funny to me

*fanning myself* There is something SO admirable about a man with convicti— HES GOING FOR THE DOOR LMAOOOO

"I know what I wanted to know now" my deeply embedded distrust of gms (as a runner-of-games who also loves to get up to nonsense at the first opportunity)has alarm bells going off a bit

OMG VELLUM IS HERE NOW HI HI HI!!!!!

OH MY GOD I love little cute scenes where characters met before they like met, if one or both parties forgets it I call them "meet moots" because they meet and nothing happens JFKSVSLDVSKDVKZ

I mean yeah timbleton has gotta pursue hell lose his job and probably get arrested.

I was about to be like "vellum fuck your bosses stop staying late RISE RISE RISE!!!" and then I remember vellum kinda owns the place dushdgoddb SO DO SOME SELF CARE AND SLEEP, DUMMY.

"yeah I'm fine are spars first words to vellum" oh ouch but cute

NO AGENTS HERE DKSVSODVSOSVSO OH MY GODDD this. This is. This is very cute. NOT SPAR INTRODUCING HIMSELF AS GAMBLER. vellum sounds. Confused but endeared (BECAUSE WHO WOULDNT BE) but ENDEARED!!!!

Vellum is so cool. WOULD IT BOTHER YOU IF I STAYED WITH YOU. AWH.

Bestie if he pushes the key under the door anybody who comes past can open the door.

Spar said "idgaf I can fuck I fucker up, do it all the time, try me"

VELLUM WAITING WITH HIS SWORDCANE AFTER GAMBLER HAS PASSED OUT ON THE FLOOR IS SSUUUUUUCHHHH A GOOD MENTAL IMAGE

OH THEM FLANKING THE DOOR WITH TWO SWORDS IS GO GOOD ALSO

BUT THUNBLETON MY MAN WHAT THE FUCK

YACOB IS HERE!!!! OMG FRIEND! Oh my god I love him.

OOOOOH AND VELLUM IS HERE TOO TIMBLEICBDMD IS SOOOO FUCKED.

POV: you're thinininininnton and vellum is pointing his rapier (I imagine that when he presses the button to unsheathe it an intricate collapsible golden guard springs out) at you're throat is something I wanna draw SO bad that is SOOOO cool and sexy and rand but wayyyy out of my ability right now. It will live forever in my brain (also my list for 3o♥️s stuff to draw is sooo long )

(also I shouldve guessed those people were shady they had one-word genders)

Yacob saw spar running and was like "guess this is my life now!" What a real one.

HE PULLS OUT A FLASH. KIIIIIING SHIT. Spar kisses him...but...but are they.....whatever dlegdkvdskdvd

Also I feel like grey for sure has that eye. Or diamond had the eye and grey has the gem now.

Efficiency-opsec brain getting really excited about the idea of vellum adjusting security protocols....I fucking love protocols.

Oh Vellum honey maybe don't go interrogating the single most secretive person with the most open desire to kill you.

"do you need somebody to take you there?" 🐑🐕

OH SHIT CATS. I miss destiny

I feel like Arabella is for sure in that lighthouse

YOU TURN TO LOOK AT THE WIGHTHOUSE AND YOU SEE THE PRESIDENT JXOSGSODHSODHDIDH

OH. AWH. VELLUM GETTING FLUSTERED WHEN HE'S APPRECIATED THATS CUTE BUT HE DESERVES ALL THE APPRECIATION AND TO BE USED TO THIS!!!! BUT ITS STILL CUTE!!!

BFKSGSKDVS VELLUM GIVING THIS TEEN AN EVEN SAFETY LESSON ♥️♥️♥️

Look like I Respect Meraphina's biomancy, and I respect her ability to use it for healing while also being very skeptical about the role of magic but like .... I disagree with the "don't bring magic back" thinking. If YOU have access to it it's clearly still there. Better for the world to recon with it as a whole then to have it available to some mysterious small number of folks only. Idk. Maybe my opinion on that will change but :\

OH. OH MERAPHINA LIKES HIM NOW? ....COOL!

They're still in cloven heart...hmm. in the lighthouse? This is probably related to preparing something big for bridge since they were all jacks.

"you dont just give things freely" somewhere in town Brunhilde has started frowning

OH. OH THATS A DAMN GOOD JOKER PLAY. WOW. WOW!!!! THOUGHTS. IMPLICATIONS. WOW! Now she can't kill him lmao

Anti-thaumatera is wearing Mayor Thorne as a glove puppet

"everyone in cloven heart at the time the spell was cast" diamond? Didn't diamond arrive soon after?

LOL ok so she'll still kill him

Midtro dance midtro dance

[ID: several repeats of the same very low quality image of a strange silhouette, humanoid but with a head that is too long from nose to ear, feet planted apart, arms out, and butt back, almost as if halfway through a squat. It is black on a white background. End ID]

Ooh Arabella can't do magic. Good to know.

"diamond took care of that" ALSO good to know

Okay but like...jasper...I can see where they're coming from

"he is posted up scanning the river and trees for potential assailants" the sheepdog joke will stop being funny when it stops being relevant and that is no time soon.

DESTINY WITH BRUNHILDE, THE TWO CUTEST CHARACTERS TOGETHER MY HEEEART

"that is definitely where I would be sneezing" 👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀

"they are both committed to this...to this Investigation"

OKAY BUT TATI AND ANYA COULD BE SOOOOOOOOOOO CUTE. I'm glad I'm not the only one that hears this. Tatianya....though I prefer Anyati

I didn't know tati was altered!

Edit: yes I did, what? Just forgot

...hmmm stowaways.....Arabella would probably be a much stronger presence probably. Xoechi and Joaquin maybe????

VELLUM NOT THINKING ABOUT THEM BEING ALONE BUT I FOR SURE WAY

JOSEPHA DID FUCKING NOT.

BEZTIE LIKE FUCK OFF

If you're trying to get money from the Harrington's for a good reason you could consider just ASKING

ABNFOEVDMD OHHHHH IT WAS TATI.

Girl I love you so much but you are like one week from the world's best full time jobs with the world's most eccentric investor like you'll be fine.

VELLUM'S FLIRTING LMAO

to protect him...

IT WAS GREY!!!! I FUCKING KNEW IT.

Still bestie it is NOT hard to guilt your niece into going to a blood drive you're setting up and like yoinking that shit. The drama! Unnecessary!!

Unless she's doing something super secretive and vellum might suspect that the blood being related to grey at all makes his behavior weird........HMMMM. HMMMM!!!!

I just KNEW tati was about to make that joke

Maybe grey is being Ransomed by a third party who wants vellums blood for some reason and she can't ask him for it because she knows the third parties goals go against vellum's morals and that the only way for them to be happy together after the third party does whatever thing with vellums blood he disagrees with is for her to pay for other people to get the blood so vellum assumes they were involved at all?

Like protection and ransom feel like good grey motivations to be but idk

BLOOD MAGIC?

okay okay maybe not.

Yeah because if grey was REALLY their employer it means that she doesn't have working for him as an out anymore really ...

Spar it might buy you time but it might also put you in danger. And there are possibly worse forces looking for the blood of altered people for expiriments!!!!! Though....well supplying it to them isn't actually doing any harm it's it's conventual since their goal isn't harmful? Well arabellas isn't but....UGH!

This blood drawing scene feels...intimate?

I was right!!!! Just some teens having fun going on an adventure.

BDJSGSJDGDKDBim imagining spar doing full manly-frown lean-on-the-banister stern older brother, vellum starting to smile when he sees the teens (because they're NOT Arabella!) Looking at spar and then going ahem yes. Serious. I am serious now.

Okay yeah but your mom's said no because diamond is a person of interest in a fucking KIDNAPPING

Ah yes the feeling vellum will feel upon spars death is surely "disappointment"

I really hope there's some really crucial information in the couples party djdgskdbd.

THE EYE?????????????? OH DAMN.

That was a really good one. No conclusions I am very tired now. Lots of love goodnight

[variousqueerthings]

lol this is becoming a long post, apologies + I’m going a leeetol off topic, apologies for that also I think I repeated myself a bit, my brain is melting

I do think there’s an interesting thing about transness specifically (queerness sometimes, but especially transness) in that 

1. obviously the structure of “trans” as it exists today is time and space specific and heavily influenced by both colonialist destruction and intersex erasure + appropriation of both gender social structures outside of colonialism/rebuilding from colonialism and appropriation of intersex identities. this makes it already very difficult to talk about even today, because I think we as an also-marginalised community haven’t reckoned with the places where we’ve contributed to others’ marginalisation

2. and before the first iteration of the modern trans person, which I would argue is the “transvestit” of German sexology, the structures of gender (similar to the structures of sexuality before the words hetero, homo, bi, lesbian, etc) were very very fluid -- not necessarily freer, in the sense that there were all kinds of laws against expressing those genders, but not expressed in a single, simple term often 

3. the modern word “transgender” originates from medical institutions, is also A Whole Thing

-- basically what I’m saying here is that I think there’s a headbutting of three groups of people

First group: trans people newly come out who are simply desperate to know that there is precedent, that we have always existed, who look for lists of names that we can point to and go “just like me!” (I absolutely did this by the way, and can still find myself doing it, even as I know it’s oversimplification and am trying very hard to carry the complex instead) -- the risk here is flattening out all of what I wrote about in the above, but I also don’t actually see it as too much of a problem, provided there is complex information to follow on from that point (not to call newly out trans people children, but I don’t think it’s dissimilar to having to learn anything very new for the first time. start simple, get complex. there’s just less patience for it, because “newly come out” can mean anything from a 3 years old to a 100, and adults are expected to already be able to carry “complex”)

Second group: people who aren’t trans generally, but also some trans people -- they may not be transphobic (although some are), but they do not understand that impulse of “just like me!” or they do, but are very very careful of applying it. A lot of them may never have had the need for it themselves, some of them may have in other marginalised ways, but cannot carry it for trans people, because I would argue it’s so very very complex, and some are simply worried that applying transness falsely to the past will reflect poorly on the applicability of it in the present, and so they go “well, it’s ahistorical to say that” and expect the conversation to end there 

Third group: hoping we fit in there, but I’m sure there’s always more to learn/new frameworks/new concepts/new ways of looking 😂 Is going “ok it’s complicated actually because xyz, but actually the term “trans history” does not mean looking at someone from history and going “you are trans,” it means “how do we use transness as a framework to examine reasons that people had in the past to be gender radical/non-conforming/cross gendered, what are the environments that allowed it or didn’t allow it, what structures were they rebelling against, what person lay beneath that (especially beneath the more sensationalist stories/court records)” And these reasons could be sexual, political, cultural, spiritual, situational, impulsive, long-thought-out, short-lived, etcetcetc. 

And what I see this third group doing is also saying: the idea that someone being included in a trans framework of analysing history excludes them from other kinds of history (especially lesbian, gay, women’s, intersex, pre-colonial) is a falsehood created by the fear that one can lose some kind of ownership over history by opening it up, because someone cannot belong to two (or more) frameworks -- one of them has to be The Correct One

so taking Louisa May Alcott, who did write about wanting to be a boy, but didn’t externalise/present herself as a boy in adulthood (seems to have been a “tomboy” as a kid), and applying a trans history methodology (I am particularly interested in authors who do this -- you see it more with people assigned female at birth, but Fiona Macleod/William Sharp is also a good example) is asking what structures existed that made her say these things, do these things, why did she go on to give these traits to “Jo,” what can be gained by analysing writers of the past more generally from a gender queered perspective, how did they express elements of themselves through these pseudonyms, did they always express elements of themselves through these pseudonyms??

and I do think that has value, because it challenges some of the structures that modern trans identity can struggle with approaching, ex. colonialist binary systems, patriarchal roles for men and women, social gender roles in single sex systems (ex. prisons)

this is very rambly and still trying to be formed as I write it up, but what I think I mean is that “trans history” is actually about opening the door way past “trans” or “transgender” or “transsexual” -- trans is a word that gives us a foot in that door, but it’s not trying to claim that the history has to be either trans or not-trans (which is what the second group especially seems to think) history, it’s saying “look how expansive we can be, this is the best word we have at the moment”

We all need each other and carving ourselves up into sections isn’t always helpful.

THIS THIS THIS. I think there are people in the first and second group who are afraid that this is an either/or thing, when it really isn’t, it’s literally a framework (which, that being said, sometimes that framework can be used to go “if Dr Barry used he/him his whole adult life, then maybe we should use it when talking about his adult life)

I also think challenging how historians look at the past can influence how we interact with the present, both within and without the trans community. How the word “objective” is only used when denying people the right to find themselves in history (regardless of what words that historical person or people used -- it’s not like cisgender or heterosexual existed then either right?), how people have challenged many kinds of gendered systems in many ways, how there is no us/them dichotomy between trans and other histories

the framework of “what if trans” is a very playful one in many ways and I think the idea of “objective” narrows down many ways in which people unknowingly put modern biases on ye olden times 

the book I was reccing and also I am very much “I have read ONE BOOK MY WHOLE LIFE” about it right now, so I’m sorry for being very !!!! about it -- anyway it talks about using they/them pronouns for most of the people in the text with the exception of people who’d expressed a strong preference for other pronouns (ex. Roberta Cowell, Leslie Feinberg, briefly James Barry) made a very compelling case for making that choice -- it wasn’t inserting a self-chosen singular pronoun on these people, because that is in itself a modern concept

it’s using it in its original two forms -- 1. as a “we don’t know” pronoun and 2. as a plural to show the duality of gender expression through time (kinda like that scene in Orlando where for a brief moment Orlando is described using “they”)

and I think that’s a very neat, very clear choice to make. it didn’t have to make that choice, there are other, equally neat and clear choices one can make, but it explains why (better than I am here) and what it means when putting oneself in the headspace of this history, both as reader and writer 

OKAY I WILL STOP I THINK WE AGREE ON THIS IM JUST HAVING FEELINGS 

(actually last thing is that, with Joan of Arc, I would love to see a genderqueer/nb/trans person play her though, speaking of “trans history as framework” I think not enough people really think about how adamant she was about dressing and presenting as masculine, and I think it would give a very good perspective, while not taking anything away from the amazing actresses who have played her)

(I think that’s the tl;dr actually: lot of people seem afraid that trans history takes from other histories, but that’s not its purpose at all, it’s an addition/a widening of space and thinking)

(also genuinely when I first came out I was scouring for experiences like mine, who knows how Claude Cahun would have ID’d today, but no doubt about the very deliberate genderqueering that was going on)

@oh2e how deep does the James Barry unconscious research bias go?

well, I just attended a lecture on Radical Genders in the 19th century and the generally quite good!!!! lecturers

1. called him James "Miranda" Barry Every Time they talked about him (the airquotes felt real - the lecturers would pause before the "Miranda" in that suspicious way), which I'm using as a litmus test now for how much incorrect information people have taken in about him/primary source material they've interacted with and consciously taken in

2. never put the "Doctor" honorific in front of his name (I'm petty maybe, but you insist on the "Miranda" but won't give him "Doctor"? not once?)

3. used they/them pronouns throughout, even though Barry you know... obviously used he/him pronouns? (whose sensibilities do you think you're protecting here???? who are you respecting????)

- in comparison other "gender radicals" were all spoken of with their pronouns assigned at birth (ex. Ann Lister) because those were the pronouns those people used about themselves

4. made a lot of points about how you can Never Know Someone's Relation To Gender In The Past and must always be open to others' "interpretations" (specifically in relation to Dr Barry)

the blindspot in research bias is very real