#and because they make me dysphoric. closes my eyes forever

[batemanofficial]

i need top surgery not because my boobs make me dysphoric but because i am sick and tired of my bras getting so sweaty when i stand over the grill

[zeromorph]

okay I feel like my vet med posts are usually annoyed or stressed so here is an incomplete list of fond memories from work

the stray dog found across the street from my second internship, who came in trembling and shying away from anyone who looked at him, and became a different dog in the span of three hours--once we cooled him down, got a meal in him, and shaved out the most painful sections of matting, he was cuddling up to us. he got adopted by a friend of the person who found him and came back to us a few weeks later for vaccines with a proper haircut and wagging his tail on the way in.

the pit who took four people for an ear cleaning--one holding her hips, one holding her chest, one furiously rubbing her face to distract her, and one doing the actual ear cleaning--not because she was aggressive or hated having her ears touched but because she was so overwhelmingly excited to meet new people that she could not stop wiggling. like, whole-body, bang-her-hips-into-your-legs wiggling. while trying to lick our faces. she was a pain in the ass and I loved her so much.

the old lady parrot who stayed at my hospital for about two weeks and was very cranky but also loved being pet--she would make a big show of holding your finger in her beak before asking you to scratch her neck.

the baby deer at my first internship who was born healthy but too short to nurse and had to be bottle-fed. it was touch and go initially but once she started putting on weight I swear she got bigger and lankier by the day. my last day at that internship was the week they were preparing to reintroduce her to the herd--I wish I'd gotten to see that, but I'm told it went well <3

we stay close to our animals' heads when they're coming out of anesthesia so that we can extubate them immediately if they wake up dysphoric and try to thrash (which can damage their throat if the tube is still in). occasionally, the first set of things that particularly sweet dogs do when they wake up is open their eyes, see us standing right there, and start wagging their tail.

the silk-soft tripod cat whose meow could be heard across the clinic. not a scream or a yowl, her normal everyday meow. three of us heard her and immediately pulled out our phones for video.

resuscitating neonates after a c-section is about 2% getting their airways clear and 98% harassing them into actually breathing. it takes forever and you have to keep at it for a while even after they're moving, until you're sure they won't crash if you let up, and at least this early in my career, it's scarier than CPR in some ways. they're deathly still for far longer than it seems like they should be, and the first time I did it I was terrified that I was doing it wrong and the puppy would never wake up. but then she yelled up at me with this piping little voice and I could have cried out of relief-affection-delight. it was an honor and I love her and I hope she's having just the absolute best time being a puppy out there.

[the-small-one-to-rule-them-all]

What is this Feeling?

(no it’s not a wicked au, im sorry. Oooh that’s a good idea I might write that later) Summary: Logan tries desperately to figure out what the heck he is feeling. Virgil is a good boyfriend and is there to help.

pairings: Romantic Analogical, background romantic Royality

word count: 3425

warnings: Panic attack, social dysphoria (discussed and described), kissing/making out, as always, please tell me if i missed anything or you want anything tagged A/N: Here’s some hurt/comfort with analogical. Enjoy!!

Logan knows exactly one thing he is good at regarding emotions, keeping them locked away forever and never acknowledging them. Admittedly, he knows avoidance isn't the best policy for most any situation, but he cannot bring himself to face the avalanche of pain that is gnawing at his stomach right now, so he ignores it. 

The worst part of acknowledging it would include facing what brought it on. The fact that Virgil just referred to Logan as his boyfriend. That shouldn’t hurt. Logan loves Virgil. It should make him feel happy, happy that Virgil is willing to acknowledge their relationship, happy that he is lucky enough to be in this relationship, happy to be reminded of those things. He should not feel.... Whatever this is. Or what he is pretending to not feel. 

The knot in his stomach almost fades as some time passes, and then he overhears Virgil and Roman bickering in the kitchen over who’s boyfriend is cuter, and who is the better kisser, bragging about their respective boyfriends. It is sweet and endearing and Logan is happy that Virgil loves him so much, but with every use of that relationship label and every “he” and “him” Logan hears, the pit in his stomach grows, expanding upwards until it fills his stomach and becomes a tightness in his chest. It physically hurts and Logan wonders what is going on. When he hears Virgil refer to him as handsome, he knows he cannot control this ball of emotion rising in him any longer. He is going to break.

Logan quickly sinks out to his room as a lump starts to form in his throat. He locks himself in the bathroom. No one can see. No one can know what is happening. All these feelings are illogical. There is no reason for him to be sad. It would be inconsiderate to worry any of them with the brokenness that is these feelings. 

He stares himself down in the mirror. He grips the edge of the counter and tries the breathing routine he has Virgil use to calm down. He repeats the exercise again and again and again and again and nothing is happening. It isn’t working. The emotions are still welling up just as strongly as ever. He can feel them pushing at the back of his eyes, forming tears that threaten to spill. 

“No.” he whispers as he shuts his eyes, fighting back the tears, “no.”

Suddenly he hears a small knock on the bathroom door, Virgil’s knock.

“Hey, L, is something wrong or are you okay?”

Logan desperately wants to speak, to get Virgil to leave him alone so he can get through this by himself. But he suddenly feels his throat tighten. If he speaks he will cry. He cannot cry. Not now. Not with Virgil outside. If Virgil heard... he might just break the door down to get to him. So he stays quiet.

“L? Hey, I know you like your privacy, and I don't mean to intrude, but if you don't answer i'm going to come in, okay? You’re worrying me.”

Logan curses himself, the last thing he wants to do right now is upset Virgil. His options race through his head and he gives in. Virgil is coming in. He can't stop this. He is going to upset Virgil needlessly, he already has.

“I'm going to come in, okay?” 

He hears the door rattle and is relieved when he remembers he locked it.

“Logan?” Virgil says, and Logan can hear the panic rising in his voice, “Logan, please unlock the door. I'm really worried. Please.”

Logan sighs, he can't have Virgil panicking while he breaks down, now can he? That would just make him feel like a terrible partner. He places his forearms on the counter, leans his head on his hands, and with a flick of his wrist unlocks the door. Which opens almost immediately.

“Lo... what’s wrong?”

Logan hears Virgil close the door behind him and is grateful for the privacy.  

“Logan? Can... Can I touch you?”

If he says no then he is going to have to speak, so Logan taps once on the counter, their sign for yes. Just a moment later, he feels a hand gently touch his back, and that is all it takes. He lets out a quiet sob, and then another, and another until he is openly crying. He doesn't quite know what happens but somehow he finds himself on the floor of his bathroom with Virgil holding him, softly whispering calming words to him.

“I’m sorry. I'm not- You shouldn't-” Logan finds he can't even form a sentence. He wants Virgil to go, he doesn't want to be a burden, but at the same time he never wants Virgil to let go.

“Shh, hey, it’s okay. Talking can wait. You don't have to explain. I’ll still be here when you finish crying. I'm not going anywhere.”

Logan can feel himself give into Virgil’s calming words and let the sadness roll over him. Slowly, his cries fade and he is able to gain ahold of himself again. 

Virgil lets out a breath, “Are you hurt somewhere? Anything bleeding or broken?”

Logan shakes his head.

Virgil releases another breath and Logan feels his body relax under him a little.

They sit there in silence for a while. Virgil summons a glass of water for Logan who drinks it gratefully. 

Only when the glass is empty does Virgil speak again, “Could you tell me what happened?”

Logan sighs, “I'm sorry. I didn't mean to worry you.”

“I know.” Virgil assures him softly, “I'm okay now. But you didn't answer my question.”

Logan groans, “It is illogical. Things that should not have made me upset somehow upset me more than I could have anticipated. You shouldn't have had to deal with that.”

Virgil brings a hand up to play with Logan’s hair. “I came because I care. I'm your boyfriend, I kinda signed up to deal with you when you are feeling bad. And Lo, I didn't ask if your emotions were logical. I didn't assume that they were since most emotions aren't. I asked what they were and what caused them.”

Logan frowns, he is going to have to do this isn't he? Fine, might as well get it over with, “I... I don't know what words I would use to describe what I felt other than bad. This bad feeling has been coming up more and more lately and I don't know why or what to do about it because I don't know what I am feeling.”

Virgil hums and Logan can feel it vibrate against his hands, “That sounds frustrating.”

“It is.”

“Okay. Well maybe it would be better to focus on fixing the problem before identifying the feeling. Giving yourself space can help you think about it more clearly if you don't understand it right now. And besides, there’s no reason to keep feeling bad if something can be changed, even if you don't know why it makes you feel bad.”

Logan nods, that is logical, “I will have a hard time putting this into words and it might sound shocking or upsetting to you at first, but I promise, none of my feelings toward you have changed. Those feelings are pleasant and make me quite happy.”

“I'm glad I can make you happy, and thank you for warning me. What was it that upset you?”

“Well uh, i've been noticing that when anyone calls me he or him it feels uncomfortable. In fact, most masculine-coded language is feeling more and more uncomfortable. For example, being called “handsome” and being referred to with he/him pronouns makes me uncomfortable. ... So does being called or referred to as your “boyfriend”. Not, not because of the relationship aspect, I still love you and being with you, it’s just something about the term itself that upsets me. I cannot tell you why these words make me uncomfortable, it is illogical, and frustrating, but... they do.”

Virgil is quiet for a minute, “Was the use of those words in the friendly banter Roman and I had what upset you?”

Logan nods, “Which is ridiculous because you were being remarkably sweet and endearing and the compliments felt nice... but those other words didn't.”

Virgil shakes his head, “It is not ridiculous. It is okay to feel conflicted emotions because of that scenario. I would actually argue that it is logical.”

Logan shrugs.

“Thank you for telling me that those words upset you. For now, to address the problem as we understand it, I am happy to refer to you as my partner, if that term is better for you.”

Logan nods, “It is, I would appreciate that.”

“Okay. On that note, do you have an idea of what pronouns I should use for you while you figure this out?”

Logan thinks about it for a moment, “I think I might like to try they/them, if you don't mind.”

“I don't mind at all.” Virgil hums, holding Logan close, “Should we tell the others about the pronoun switch?”

“Yes, but not right now. Right now I want to clean my face and fix my hair.”

Virgil chuckles, “Okay Lo. I’ll wait in your room.”

Logan stands and helps Virgil to his feet. They turn and look at themself in the mirror, grimacing at the red and slightly puffy face that stares back. 

Logan sets about pulling themself together, combing their hair and adding a little hairspray, straightening their shirt, cleaning their face and applying cool water to the swollen and red areas, patting them dry as they calm. 

When they are done they replace their glasses and step out into their room to see Virgil waiting for them on the bed.

“Hey, feeling any better?”

“Yes.”

“Good, i'm glad.”

Logan hums and joins Virgil on the bed. They sit in silence for a moment before Virgil’s body stills for a moment and he seems to have a realization of sorts. He asks his next question slowly, as if he is thinking over each word as he says it, “Logan. Have you considered that maybe, you might not be a boy? Because it kind of sounds like you might be feeling dysphoric over the terminology we have been using for you.”

Logan is quiet, “No. I... I hadn't thought about that, but now that you mention it... I do think that might be something I should look into.”

Virgil nods, “That sounds like a good idea for something to do after dinner. When I came up there was about an hour until dinner, I'm not sure how much longer we have but I'm sure it isn't long. Do you want to go down now and let them know you’re okay, or would you rather wait up here until dinner is ready?”

Logan shrugs, “I would rather wait. Why don't we have dinner up here and you can help me research different genders and think through whatever it is that I'm feeling?”

Virgil smiles, “That sounds nice. I would be more than happy to help you process things and be here for you to bounce thoughts off of.”

Logan smiles, “Thank you.” They are quiet for a moment as they seem to ponder something, “If... if we do this research and I realise i'm not a boy... will you still love me?”

Virgil frowns, “Of course I will Logan! What would make you think that I wouldn’t?”

Logan folds their hands in their lap and looks down at them, “Well, you are gay, a boy who is attracted to other boys. So therefore, if I am not a boy... your feelings could change.”

Virgil’s face softens, “Come ‘ere.” He says making grabby hands at Logan.

Logan leans into Virgil’s tight embrace.

“I understand your concern, but Lo, my love is not so fragile that something like you making a new self-discovery would change my love for you. We will probably become wrinkled and gray and change in any number of ways as we grow. You could discover that you are asexual, aromantic, or even just a fan of anime. Would any of those changes make you wonder if I still love you?”

“No,” Logan mutters.

Virgil hums, “You wouldn’t question my love then, don't question it now. I love you Logan, for who you are. I wouldn’t trade you for anything or anyone.”

Logan buries their head in Virgil’s chest, “I love you too, Virgil. Sometimes I can't believe I managed to convince you to be mine.”

Virgil laughs, “You didn't convince me, all you did was ask.”

“Well still, I can't believe you love me. What did I do to deserve you starlight?”

Virgil shakes his head, blushing “You’re getting sappy on me, that breakdown must’ve tired you out more than I thought.”

“Is my sappiness a bad thing?”

Virgil shakes his head, “Never.”

Logan sighs, “Thank you V.”

“Any time Lo.”

A few moments later Patton appears in the doorway, knocking gently on the door, “Hey kiddos, if you both are up for it, dinner is ready downstairs.”

Virgil nods, “Okay Pat, thanks for letting us know.”

Patton smiles, sparing a small concerned glance at Logan before heading back downstairs.

Virgil watches him go and sighs, “He is worried about you Lo. Why don't we have dinner downstairs and let them know that you’re okay and then come up here and research after dinner?”

Logan sighs, “I suppose, if only to make sure they don't worry too much.”

“Thank you Lo. And, just so you know, I'm going to let you be the one to decide how to tell them your pronouns, I don't want to do or say anything wrong.”

Logan nods, “I appreciate that.”

Logan and Virgil take their typical seats at the table having filled their plates in the kitchen.

Patton smiles, concern still shining through his eyes, “I'm glad you two could join us, I was starting to get a little worried about you.”

Logan starts to cut up their food, “I understand, but I assure you Patton, everything is fine.”

Patton hums softly, obviously wanting to have gotten more of an answer, “I'm glad.”

Roman looks to Logan sheepishly, “I didn't say anything that offended you, did I? If I did, I apologize, I didn't mean to hurt you.”

Logan shakes their head, “You didn't offend me, though I appreciate you asking. You also didn’t hurt me, at least, not in any way I could possibly hold you accountable for. None of the things you were arguing about or said about me hurt me in any way. However, to avoid any potential future conflict, you should know, I want to start using they/them pronouns and be referred to with gender neutral language. For example, please call me Virgil’s partner as opposed to his boyfriend.”

Roman brightens, “Oh okay Logan. Thank you for telling me! I will do my very princely best to use your correct pronouns. But even I am not always perfect and I ask that you please correct me on your pronouns if I ever mess up or ask me to use a different term if one bothers you. My teasing isn’t intended to actually hurt, you know.”

Logan looks up from their food with a faint smile on their face, “Thank you, Roman. I will keep that in mind.”

“Same thing goes for me too, kiddo. I will do my best to switch as fast as possible and please correct me if I mess up and don't catch myself.”

Logan can't help the grateful smile that grows on their face, “I... really appreciate that, both of you.”

Patton shrugs, “It’s the respect you deserve Logan. We won't give you any less.”

Roman shoots a mischievous smile at Logan, “So, does that mean I am still allowed to brag about how Patton is definitely the better kisser out of you two?”

Logan looks Roman dead in the eyes, “I hope you know that if we were not sitting here eating dinner I would be over there proving you wrong.”

Roman sets his bite down, a smirk growing on his face, “Oh, really? Why don't you come over here and do it anyway, you disaster nerd?”

Logan looks at Virgil, raising an eyebrow, “You mind if I...?”

Virgil shakes his head, “No, go for it.”

“Patton?”

“Oh, I don't mind.”

With that Logan stands and walks round the table to where Roman is sitting. They proceed to straddle the man, sit in his lap, and kiss the, metaphorical, hell out of the prince. They don’t relent in the slightest until they pull a little whine from him. When they do they promptly pull away, stand and walk back over to their seat, bothering only to fix their tie and nothing else, face remarkably neutral about the whole thing.

“Did I make my point?”

Roman is so shocked and disheveled that he barely knows how to respond. He sits there gaping like a fish for a moment before nodding, “I suppose so.”

Logan lets the faintest bit of a smile grace their lips, “I will take that as a yes,” They decide. 

Patton chuckles.

As Logan turns their attention back to their food, they notice Virgil eyeing them from his seat, “Yes V?”

“That was really hot.”

Logan chuckles and the dinner proceeds as normal while Logan rests in the newfound comfort of being seen and accepted.

Later that night Logan and Virgil are sitting up against the headboard of Logan’s bed researching. Virgil has his laptop resting on his knees with a list of different nonbinary genders and their definitions pulled up. They have gotten halfway through and at this point Logan is just... utterly done. They are so confused and tired of thinking about feelings, which, while typically difficult for them, has proved more frustrating, confusing, and infuriating than normal.

“This is so complicated! Why are feelings so difficult and hard to define? I have no clue how I feel, so how am I supposed to be able to identify it on this list of terms? How do people know themselves well enough to figure this out?!”

Virgil sighs and takes Logan’s hand, running his thumb gently over their knuckles, “Hey, it’s okay. You don't have to figure this out tonight. In fact, why don't we stop for now? You have lots and lots of time to think about all of this. You don't have to know right away, and that’s fine.”

They groan, “What if it takes five years and I still haven't figured this out?”

Virgil chuckles at Logan’s dramatics, “That would be fine. I mean I am sure it would be frustrating, but it would be okay. You don't have to settle on anything specific if you don't want to. You are allowed to just be you.”

Logan sits up suddenly, “Wait, I don't need to choose a specific label?” the thought hadn't even occurred to them, probably because of their intense desire to put everything into boxes, they hadn't realised the box could be so big.

“No, not at all. You don't even have to choose something that feels like it gets it completely right, you can just go with whatever feels closest. Or you could just go with nonbinary or genderqueer and call it a day. Labels are there for your comfort, for giving you language you can use to express yourself to others, they don't have to fit perfectly.”

Logan sighs, “That’s a helpful reminder Virgil thank you.” They pause, a question forming, “What was that term you mentioned... genderqueer I believe it was?”

Virgil nods and scrolls down the list a little until he finds it, “It is when one’s gender falls outside of the two binary genders. An older term, similar to nonbinary.”

Logan is quiet for a long time as they toss the word around in their head, “Hmm.. genderqueer... I kind of like that, at least for now.”

Virgil smiles, putting his laptop away “So, Logan is my genderqueer partner. They don't like puns, but I like the label because as they know, gender is rather queer.”

Logan rolls their eyes and groans at him, but smiles, “Thank you for using it in a sentence for me. I like genderqueer. It feels nice.”

“I’m glad.” 

“And you still love me?

Virgil pulls Logan into his arms, “I love you all the way to Pluto and back Lolo.”

“I love you too.” they say, snuggling into Virgil’s chest and happily drifting off to sleep.

[coffee-shop-bisexual]

3, 20, 24 for the asks

3: Do you wear makeup? If so, favorite products?

The most makeup I do on a daily basis is concealer if my acne is acting up. If I have a performance or special event, I’ll also do eye shadow and mascara, but ever since I realized I’m nonbinary it’s made me pretty dysphoric to wear makeup. I use Neutrogena concealer if that means anything but I don’t really know anything about makeup products aksjfkajd

20: Favorite skincare products?

Ummm I use Neutrogena’s benzoyl peroxide rapid clear cream at night (again for my acne smh) and Aveeno eczema therapy moisturizing cream. But honestly that’s about it, I definitely need to up my skincare routine alsjdjakdhahd

24: Do you have a favorite place?

Yes! A few, actually.

One of them is a coffee shop in NYC that I would go to whenever I was feeling overwhelmed—the atmosphere there is so cozy and peaceful, they have amazing coffee, and the baristas there all knew me. It was my go-to place to get away from everything when I needed to!

Another one is my grandmother’s house. It’s one of those places that feels like the physical embodiment of a hug. It’s just the right amount of messy so as not to feel stuffy, and it has so much personality. She’s also one of my favorite people in the whole world, and her house just.... feels like her. I love it.

The last one is a secluded pond close to my house. It’s where I go whenever I need to get out of my house when things get bad, and it’s also where I’ve always gone to think over big decisions and self-realizations. I’ve spent a lot of time there recently! There’s usually not very many people around, which is rare for a city, and it’s really serene.

4: Favorite terms of endearment?

Ah yes, this will make me yearn-y! I really love darling, sweetheart, and my dear/my love. Also any and all nicknames people come up with for me are fantastic, I love that so much. Fun fact, though! My ex refused to call me anything other than my full deadname, which was...... ya know, a little weird 😅 anyways, this basically means that anyone who refers to me in any affectionate way under the sun will have my heart forever lol

5: What is something you’d like to do before you die?

Ooh! I would love to go backpacking throughout Europe, especially Ireland, Scotland, and England. I love backpacking because you find so many hidden gems that you would miss otherwise! And you really get a feel for the countryside/the area you’re in. It’s incredible.

14: Favorite songs?

Oh this is hard! I have such a love-hate relationship with this question. I’ll do my best though!

In no particular order:

Achilles Come Down by Gang of Youths

Still Into You by Paramore

I’m Not Okay (I Promise) by MCR

Welcome to Paradise by Green Day

Shrike by Hozier

Thank you for the ask Cosmi!! I’m sorry my answers are so long akdjfjakdj but this was a lot of fun!! 💜

[maiaphaelsource]

I was the anon who sent you the trans Raphael headcanons ask on your other blog, do you have any more? With some trans Maia thrown in too🥺 like Magnus being the best trans dad to his son and the love of his sons life and being supportive and loving. Raphael kissing Maia on the forehead and telling her how beautiful she is, you know? Cute shit like that

yes!!! hello!!! i hope you know i love you and you're my favorite person in the world!! thank you so much for this ask!

okay so i’ll begin with the specifics... magnus is absolutely THE trans dad to both of them. not only with practical stuff like offering to help them with glamours, magical transitioning, stuff like that, but just... being so supportive and understanding. he’s always there, and he has so many stories to share, so many people he’s met who had happy lives. he was there for stonewall, he’s met Marsha P. Johnson and Sylvia Rivera, and it’s just so heartwarming for the both of them to talk to him about that, you know? that feeling of not being alone in history, of knowing that there are and were other people like you, that you’ve always existed.... it’s just great

also in maia’s case since she also lives a partially mundane life he just solves all her documentation problems like deadname? gone forever. no registers. you’re welcome. the first time maia sees her document with her name she almost cries and she throws herself in magnus’ arms and magnus is so touched and moved and shocked you know? like the gratitude and the affection and she’s just thanking him and he’s so moved and raphael just watches with a little smile in his face because he knows that magnus is moved by the display, even if he won’t say it. and maybe he tells magnus that later? like, “your kindness means more to others than you imagine,” and of course magnus isn’t important just because he’s kind but he’s used to not being recognized for his services (ahem especially by CERTAIN people) and it’s nice to see that being appreciated, you know?

plus, maia makes it a point to pay him and magnus is all like “i couldn’t possibly take payment for something like that. it’s the least you deserve” so instead maia teaches him her secret sangria recipe. magnus is super pleased but he also jokes that now he has one less excuse for inviting them over. and raphael goes, super seriously, “you never need an excuse” and magnus just melts 

raphael kissing her forehead! yes! tbh i think they both love forehead kisses (as well as hand kisses and shoulder kisses) and sometimes when she’s feeling dysphoric or upset for any reason she likes just... lying down on raphael’s chest and letting him pet her hair and kiss her forehead and tell her that it’s alright, bella, te quiero

and YES he just makes it a point to talk about how beautiful she is constantly and kiss down her whole body (not sexually of course, just sweetly?) and she giggles and it’s fun :’) sometimes things get to her, especially after jordan’s constant transphobic/racist rethoric, and it’s nice that raphael always makes it a point to tell her she’s beautiful and amazing and he loves her. and he always does it in such a matter of fact way, but also intense, you know? he has her close and he says shit like “you’re the most beautiful woman i’ve ever met” and she melts

as for general headcanons!

maia figured out she was trans relatively early in life, and it’s the reason she always knew she’d have to run away from her parents’ house. she was basically only planning until she had enough to be able to survive without them. but also, jordan and wanting to be able to “be with her already” rushed her out of home when she was finishing high school 

raphael and maia are absolutely willing to throw down for each other if someone’s transphobic and that’s that on that. someone being transphobic to raphael? fine, he can handle his own, he’ll end them with his words and do it with a pleasant smile. someone being transphobic to maia? they’ll be met with the usual cutting sarcasm until they back down. but if the other catches you doing that? you’ll be thrown against the wall and threatened/punched in the face so fast you won’t even know what the fuck happened 

a lot of baby trans downworlders start coming to them! they’re already an iconic couple for many reasons, what with being a werewolf/vampire couple, a black/latino couple (we need more black/latino couples okay! desperately! and black/native and native/latino too! i want more poc solidarity and romance!), and an iconique trans couple. people just feel comfortable going to them because they’ve brought so much change and are so accepting you know? 

it still surprises raphael, even after years on end, that so many people come to him for help with that. he never thought that he would be seen as the kind of person people can go to, and yet here he is. after being told for most of his life that he was cold/unfeeling/threatening/weird... it’s nice to be valued like that, to be seen as someone who can be soft and provide comfort and love, too

same goes for maia, who’s also used to be seen as agressive/violent for just defending herself and her people, and just generally reduced to being a “threat”. it’s nice to know that many, many people see her as someone they can look up to, and who they feel safe it

that is not to say obviously that they just love doing emotional labor for other people but like... having other trans downworlders, especially trans downworlders of color, come to them, feels nice. especially people who are trying to figure themselves out and approach them with so much hope and admiration in their eyes you know? the way they always come with a “sorry to bother, but..” ready in their lips and look at them like they are heroes... it’s really something

taki’s slowly becomes a place for trans downworlders to hang out, especially those who don’t enjoy clubs and stuff like pandemonium (which is totally a queer club as well bite me. including for mundanes. with taki’s that’s trickier of course since they have like, blood on their menu lmao but a few trans minors have hung out there and it was cool) for whatever reason. it’s just a cool queer-inclusive space for people who want to hang out, you know? and they love that

the first time maia saw raphael lose his cool was when a shadowhunter made a gross comment about how it’s lucky he didn’t want sex, so she wouldn’t have to deal with that. he almost tore their throat off

raphael just.... loves maia’s shoulders. she was a little self conscious of them, she always made a point to have them covered, but raphael just loves peppering kisses on her shoulders and making her chuckle 

magnus gives maia a bunch of fashion tips similar to the ones he gave raphael, just how to better protect herself and figure out how people are reading her gender and stuff like that, you know?

they do the thing where they show each other pre-transition pics (once they’re comfortable with that of course) just to hear each other be like “*outraged gasp* i don’t recognize you at all” and “oh, look how much happier you are now”, and my personal favorite, “i can’t see a boy/girl in there, i just can’t” (like personally whenever i see pictures of my partners/friends pre-transition i’m just like... i realize this is pre-transition and that you’ve changed a lot but also i’m unable to see an [assigned gender] in this photo). it’s all like “how did people not notice you were a girl? unbelievable” you know. just that sweet sweet trans couple validation ritual

together they have like. all the insufferable pun-happy sexualities (bi[romantic], pan, ace, trans) and you will be hit with those constantly in conversation if you’re a friend of them. raphael in particular greatly enjoys making those puns with the most blase, straight face as he looks straight into your eyes and watches as your soul slowly leaves your body. magnus is so proud and also afraid he created a monster

raphael is that bitch who’s like. “i heard that broccoli has a substance that’s similar to testosterone so i’m now eating 5 bowls of it” and maia wants to tear her hair out because it doesn’t work like that and he’s like “can’t hurt to try. also i’m finally able to eat let me have this” 

maia never got to like... celebrate those small transition moments because she was all alone and felt like she was transitioning in such a rush, you know? and raphael makes it a point to point out the small changes that are still going on with her body, to take her shopping and encourage her to be as giddy about it as she wants to, you know? and it’s nice and fun and he also gets to relive those small gender reaffirming moments and it’s really nice

maia is a huge against me fan!!! like not to project but it’s just... their songs are so great and relatable even when they’re not about being trans at all and laura jane grace’s voice is so beautiful and maia for sure absolutely loves punk, so like. it’s one of her fave bands for sure

she liked them since before laura came out and when she did it was like. oh. oh. so that’s why i always related so hard to her songs. it just... makes sense

while punk is not as much raphael’s style he likes true trans rebel, especially the acoustic version, where her voice just sounds mwaaahhh imo and he can listen to the recording for hours because her voice in there is just... sensorial heaven and maia feels all giddy that raphael genuinely loves a trans woman’s voice so much 

raphael always makes a point to say that he loves her voice just as much, too :)

they are just very trans and really love each other the end

[writingdemonismissing]

“Jay”

“Cringing internally, Jay simply smiled. After all, it’d all be over in a couple days. They wouldn’t have to hear that name again.“

Hey guys!! First post finally, and of course, it’s a vent fic. I wasn’t in a good mindset while writing this and was feeling very dysphoric, so it’s not beta read, rushed, and probably ooc. Do I care? no, here’s the Ao3 link! This has also been done for months I just took forever to upload it.

‘Today’s the day, Jay’

        Frowning with a sigh, the tightly wound ball of anxiety in their stomach seemed to triple. Rolling out of bed, they quickly walk over into their bathroom. Everyone was supposed to head over to Brian’s soon for some prep before Marble Hornets, so it looked like that’s where it’d happen. Being as quick as possible, he hurriedly brushed out their hair and threw on some clothes. Making sure to grab his signature hat, they grabbed their keys and went out the door.

        They knew they had no reason so fear rejection, at least from Alex that is. Alex and him had been friends for multiple years, this hopefully wouldn’t change that. Now, Brian, Tim, and the others? He had absolutely no clue on what to expect. For all he knew, they’d not only ditch him, but Marble Hornets as a whole!

        ...Okay, that’s being a bit dramatic, but anxiety doesn’t listen to reason. He knew this from the countless years he’s been stuck dealing with it. All too soon, they’d arrived at Brian’s house. Getting out of his car, he let a bit of his pent up energy out by slightly slamming the car door. Getting closer, he could hear the chaos that was their friend group. Shaking his head fondly, he pounded on the door. God knows you have to be loud to be heard here. Alex was the first to open the door, turning to yell over his shoulder.

        “Hey guys! [REDACTED]’s here!” the discomfort grew, they felt like they wanted to crawl out of their skin and internally they wretched.

        “Haha, hey guys..” Awkwardly walking in, he quickly took a seat on the couch. Almost going into sensory overload, he managed to speak up just loud enough for Tim to hear him. “Actually guys, there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you guys about…” The noise didn’t die down, if anything it grew. Tim had noticed though, and quickly stood up to yell over the commotion.

        “HEY EVERYONE, [REDACTED]’S GOT SOMETHING IMPORTANT TO SAY” the sentiment was nice, but hearing that name thatnamethATNAMETHATNAME- Taking a deep breath, he decided to get it over with.

        “Actually, it’s Jay.” Well, if that hadn’t gotten everyone’s attention, this certainly did. The tension was almost unbearable, but luckily Sarah chose that moment to walk in with snacks.

        “Hey guys, what’d I miss?” Standing hesitantly, it seemed she’d noticed the brief silence before she walked in. After a second of hesitation she set the platter down and grabbed the armchair next to the soffa that Alex and him were sitting on. Well, on the bright side, now all you have to do is explain.

        “I’m uh… I’m trans… transgender that is. Long story short, please call me Jay and use either they/them, or he/him to talk about me.” Opening his eyes, when did they close, he tried to get a good read on everyone’s expressions. To his surprise he got a lot of blank looks. “Uh… guys?” Alex seemed to be the first to react, unsurprisingly as they’d been friends the longest. He already had gotten a good deal of information on how Alex worked. He liked to have the information he could for a situation, not being afraid to be blunt or ask questions. There was even that time he made a full on chart to describe the situation.

        “What does transgender mean? And does this have to do with why you’ve been changing your appearance recently?”

        “Yea, I’m what they refer to as FtM, female to male, or otherwise known as a trans guy. Long story short, I’m a guy not a girl. I’m thinking of medically transitioning soon, too.” Noticing the raised eyebrow, he took that as his cue to explain more, “medical transitioning can either be things such as top or bottom genital surgery or hormone replacement therapy, it will make me look and sound much more masculine.” a small smile grew on his face as he could practically see the gears turning in his friend’s head.

        “Okay, let me see if I got this right, you’re a guy and you want us to refer to you as Jay, and you’re thinking of medically transitioning?” They laughed, making a so-so gesture with their hand.

        “The technical term is nonbinary, meaning I’m not a girl or a guy, but I’m much more comfortable being seen as a guy. That’s why I said they/them or he/him earlier is fine.” A little “ooh, okay” left Alex’s lips, as he quickly turned around to grab his laptop. Grinning, Jay felt himself loosen up a lot (he’s forgotten about everyone else there) as Alex went into, what Jay has affectionately dubbed, Research Mode™. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed a raised hand- as if this was a classroom. “Uh… yea, Seth?”

        “Does that mean you’re gay?” unable to help himself, he burst out laughing at the bluntness of the question. He knew that they were genuinely curious and trying to learn though, so he was proud of that fact.

        “Yes, that means I’m gay.” he notices Alex freeze up in the corner of his eye, and sudden fear struck him. He knew that he would accept him being trans, but that didn’t stop the irrational ‘oh god, he hates you, he’s not going to want to be your friend’ that sped through his mind. Alex looked up slowly from his computer.

        “Jay, you don’t happen to have a binder, do you? Is that why you get your chest so flat when you’re wearing a T-shirt?” All his anxiety allowed him to do was nod. “Great! Because it says here not to wear it for more than eight hours.” Oh no- he was getting scolded. The thought almost had him laughing again. “And do you know how long we do our shoots for sometimes, how long we stay up at the campus, or how long we hang out?” Alex’s voice took on his classic ‘I’m going to beat common sense into you no matter what’ tone. “That is way longer than eight hours Jay!”

        “In my defense, I don’t do it that often!”

        “Doesn’t matter, that shit’s not healthy!” Laughing, Jay turned around to face the others.

        “Anyway- does anyone else have questions they’d like to ask?” Getting a chorus of ‘no’s from the rest and an angry ‘don’t ignore me, Merrick!’ He leaned back in his spot. He had everyone right here with him, including Alex.

 Yea, things would be alright.

[barelystandinginthisworld]

To the person who might not know this yet;

Q: Can I love you with this much of a past?

A: I didn't even know that was in question, of course I can, and I do.

I spent forever writing and going through that in my head and the answer was always the same conclusion;

Yes.

Absolutely.

No doubt about it.

Never once has your past experiences, the ones I know and the ones I don't, have changed the way I feel, if anything it made those feelings stronger.

I'd been drawn to you for a while and I was so ecstatic to even get the chance to be friends with you, let alone the chance to love you as much as I do once we began talking and hanging out.

You make everything feel so much more possible just by being in my life

You have the ability to give me butterflies with the simplest things you do

You gave as much as I gave, I've never had effort like that

You actually took steps to help me get to know your family, not because you were "obligated" to, but because you wanted me to and that to this day always makes me feel so wanted.

You didn't hesitate much to meet mine either, even so much as keeping in contact with my sister that night the thought of the move was affecting me more than expected.

You didn't ever make me feel any genuine doubt in how you felt/feel about me

You were always quick to notice if something was off, and I know you've said I'm easy to read, but I wasn't always and not to many people.

I reached a point at the campfire that night where I finally broke what felt like completely at the time, and that ability to hide, that I seemed to have perfected in highschool, had a flaw in it.

But you didn't even bat an eye, you stayed next to me that night upstairs, someone you barely even knew, let alone his ex boyfriend, and made sure that I had someone to listen if I needed it, and distracted me when I couldn't.

I honestly had been informed you weren't fond of me as a person, so I was very shocked that you didn't mind me sitting next to you on that bench by the fire as well as even sharing a blanket together, but it was the way you kept carefully scanning everything in the yard

In that few minutes, all I wanted was to know everything going through your head, nothing else felt more important.

And that feeling continued on, all I knew was that I wanna get to know this person, to know what their thoughts are, what their opinions on random things were, what their favorite color is, favorite movies, TV shows, books, anything and everything

To this day I still wish I had just taken that chance and kissed you on that ferris wheel, but I didn't want to scare you off by moving too fast or sudden.

I haven't been much for attraction, more on the sexual end than the romantic one, but even in the beginning when we didn't really know eachothers bodies well, you never once made me feel uncomfortable or dysphoric about myself.

It felt safe.

Secure, as if I knew you for longer than just a few months.

I didn't really feel fully comfortable with a person like that, even after being with him for almost a year I still had moments that I didn't feel fully comfortable with myself in front of him like that.

But I've never gotten that discomfort with you, it's just felt kind of natural (I know that's such a cheesy line but it's true)

That night I came over when you were feeling down when I held you close, and you told me you didn't actually want a break anymore, I held your face up and made sure you were aware that I didn't just offer to come over just to "make you come back to me" and if you needed more time don't change that because of me

You just smiled at me and told me you knew that, and gave me an Eskimo kiss.

I want to be there for you, not necessarily because you need me to be there, but because you want me there.

Those nights I would come over and just sit with you while you did your homework, are some of the most peaceful nights I've had in such a long time. We didn't need to do much, or even talk much in those times, but just being next to eachother made me feel completely content everytime without fail.

I wanna go to cemeteries with you and ghost hunt after a picnic in the moonlight

I wanna climb buildings together and watch the clouds drift by

I wanna go stormchasing so we can dance and swim and kiss in the rain

Wander around meijer and drive to Frankenmuth or wafflehouse just to feel free

Try weird candy flavors and do photoshoots together for the hell of it

I wanna play that dorky drinking game with your siblings, and keep awkwardly working my way into your parents good graces

I wanna mess around for hours on snapchat just putting filters on eachother and laughing at random shit for no reason

I wanna see your goofy "sheesh" smile whenever you crack a bad joke or pickup line/innuendo

I wanna exist with you in some way.

To keep writing chapters together, and never run out of pages no matter where the genre takes us, that's what I truly want.

[coshayphinelove]

@politeyeti , it’s been like... a billion years, but i lost my original post (tumblr ate a bunch of my drafts) and then i forgot about it and then i forgot what i wrote and now i remember.  so here it is...  more trans!delphine.

the Business Professional suits she wore in season 3 made what was already a hellish emotional nightmare into a hellish emotional dysphoric nightmare.  she can’t even look at shoulder pads anymore.

she’s really bad at expressing herself about anything.  she doesn’t feel like she has a right to be upset about the horrible things that have happened because she caused some of them.  literally the only thing she ever candidly talks to cosima about is dysphoria.  through talking about it so much she gets really good at identifying a lot of her biggest triggers and gets better at avoiding/dealing with them.  but then she has to talk about her other feelings because there’s nothing left to talk about.  she can’t decide if it was a good thing or a bad thing.

loves loves loves loves baths.  hates hates hates hates that the basement lab bathroom only has a shower stall.  showering together is nice but it’s not cuddling together in a cocoon of warm water surrounded by bath bomb fragrances.

has not cut her face shaving in almost a decade.  tells anyone who will listen at every opportunity.

petey doesn’t give her hormones while she’s on the island.  so on her lil old people poop adventures she finds a drug dealer that sells hormones to trans people who would not otherwise be able to get them.  she gets pills because they are the easiest to hide in a plastic bag in her bra.  but she has to ration them, seeing as she doesn’t know when she’ll be out next.  she literally never lets the baggie out of her sight, even going as far as bathing with them.

mrs. s notices.  probably because she has to take a dose while they’re talking and the really cool and great mood swings she gets from taking them improperly.  when she gets to the lab after geneva her preferred method of hormone intake is waiting for her with a note that promises that she’ll have as many as she needs until she can get to a doctor and a new prescription.

the ptsd, the anxiety, the depression, the dysphoria, the guilt, and the new prescription really lower her sex drive.  cosima has half of the same things but it has the opposite effect.  they have to come up with a 1 to 10 rating system for how Not Okay they are with sexing/not sexing and the conversation of “you don’t have to if you don’t want to” “but i want to make you happy” etc etc ad nauseam usually just leads to cuddle/kissing half naked.

and a coshayphine au outline below the cut bc *bill wurts voice* i’m a piece of garbage.  mobile users, please pardon the length.  i just have a lot of feelings.

shay works for a company that is somehow involved in the conspiracy some way.  she doesn’t know, but shows up where delphine got shot and saves her.  once back at the home base she offers her home as the safe house bc she sees how unwilling to talk to people she is.  

delphine is treated, they give her pain meds but nothing else.  so eventually she has to come out to shay to get hormones.  shay is surprised, but is overall very supportive.  even though it’s the bare minimum of human decency to not throw someone out of your home for being trans, it touches delphine and makes her really emotional.  (there’s probably an element of somebody caring for her wellbeing as well that makes her cry real hard.)

shay urges her to call cosima.  she’s not well.  she needs someone who knows her.  or is at least someone she didn’t threaten.  but delphine is terrified.  she doesn’t know if cosima even wants to see her.  if she feels the same.  if she would even care that delphine is marooned in toronto or would do anything about it.  and she doesn’t have anybody else.

whatever place she used to pull her strength from, that place that made her stand back up after she’d been knocked down is empty or gone.  she’s got nothing left.  she can barely keep it together when she asks to borrow a book and shay brings out a whole box.  if she can’t handle someone being kind then if cosima isn’t kind to her... what kind of state would that put her in?

so shay lets it drop.  but it is a goal that they have.  eventually, even if it is years from now, delphine will call cosima and tell her what happened.

shay reads up on trans women.  all of her trans friends are trans masculine so she really has no idea what she may need, and if they’re going to be roommates she’s gotta know her shit.  she comes to delphine after a while asking, “so i read a lot of stuff about trans women in general, but i was wondering if there was anything you needed.  like i know trans men have packers and binders and i know trans women have shaping underwear.  but i don’t know if you want any.  or if... you would need that... or... you know...”  delphine just laughs at her a little.  “that was a lot of words.”  she says she doesn’t really need much, just a razor for her face and some underwear in the next size up would be nice.

after that delphine lets shay help her bathe.  she didn’t want to out herself, but now that she’s out the smell from the places she couldn’t reach without ripping her stitches out is getting to be a bigger problem than any kind of shyness.

baths and bandage changings lead to hair brushing/braiding and eventually cuddling.  shay figures out that touch grounds delphine.  if she’s off in some panic spiral, a hand on her knee can bring her back and a hug can calm her down.  they become really close friends.

after delphine finds a sweater that used to belong to cosima she has a minor breakdown.  she details what she felt with cosima, someone who was kind and understanding and who didn’t have some kind of crisis of sexuality after finding out she was trans.  she misses her so much and is afraid she’ll never find someone like that again, that she’s either going to be alone forever or have a series of bad relationships.  it hurts shay’s heart a little and vows to herself to be the best friend she can be.

delphine develops a little bit of an agoraphobia.  she’s trans and bi and injured so doing clothes and makeup isn’t really high on her list so she’s afraid of someone noticing her and making her as trans.  and there’s actual literal people out in the world who tried to and still want to kill her, delphine, for being delphine.  she goes out for therapy and for quick errands, but mostly just stays inside.

shay is fine with that.  so many cuddles.  but at some point they share a kiss.  it’s a fading laugh, leaning slowly in, eyes wide open kiss.  and that kiss leads to a long talk.  which leads to more kisses.  which leads to them calling each other girlfriends.  which leads to sex.

sex with cosima had been a little intimidating.  she had an encyclopedic knowledge of sex acts and experience with most of them.  it’s not that she didn’t try to make her feel comfortable and everything, it was just A Lot.  so since a lot of sex with shay is relatively new to the both of them and there’s a lot more giggling and slipping and falling.  several times shay forgets that she’s gotta stop her knee a couple inches lower than she’s used to and knees delphine in the balls.  which delphine is adamant didn’t really hurt that much but her voice is so strained it gives her away.

they go on like this, but then shay gets word through work that cosima has been taken or has gone to neolution island.  delphine is beside herself.  she could die there, shay!!  so shay makes sure she is returned safely to toronto.  after a long hard talk, delphine decides that she would be okay with seeing her for a talk.

cosima takes it as well as you would assume anyone would.  she thought delphine was dead but she’s been around the corner the whole time?  and then she finds out that she’s been here, in a love den with shay [SHAY???] the entire time, while cosima was scared and alone and flirting with disease ridden bots.  she says things she immediately regrets, delphine cries, and they both see the scary dangerous side of shay that they knew existed but had never experienced when she kicks her out.

since that was literally a nightmare that delphine had on a regular basis, she’s a lil messed up from that.  she’s withdrawn and goes back to sleeping on the couch.  there’s a guilt that she just can’t get rid of.  ‘i should have called her.’  ‘i should have gone straight to her.’  ‘it was selfish to take care of myself.’ etc etc.

shay can’t get through to her so she contacts cosima and is all scary saying, “i don’t care if you’re lying, but you go and you apologize and say that it was a good thing for her to prioritize herself bc i’m afraid she’s gonna hurt herself and she’s not listening to me when i say it.”

that is Not what cosima wanted so she goes back and talks to delphine.  they talk about p much everything while shay is in the room bc “i’m going to tell her everything anyway.”  it’s emotional and awkward and so cathartic.  they finally know the truth about what happened and they finally know how the other felt and why and how and everything they ever had questions about.  as cosima is leaving, delphine asks if she can see her again.

and thus buds a friendship.

but it’s killing cosima.  with her time alone she realized that there were really only two people she could see herself dating.  and they’re dating each other.  and they have a better and stronger relationship than she had ever had with either of them.

she accepts her fate.  she knows she’s never gonna be more than their maid of honor.  the best friend.  auntie cosima.  the wing man.  she knows she’s probably never gonna date seriously again.  she’s just going to have a string of hookups but nothing more.  she knows this.  she’s just.  really depressed about it.

shay finds out.  probably through a melodramatic encounter in the hallway as shay comes home from work and cosima leaves.

and then shay has this soft spot for cosima.  and delphine for sure still loves cosima.  and it’s just this little triangle of unresolved feelings.

i can’t decide who brings up polyamory.  it’s never cosima bc she would never do it.  but if delphine did suggest it, it would be bc she wants to make cosima happy.  if shay did it it would be to make them both happy. 

and then it would be just a delphine-centric polyamorous vee.  and cosima is a little afraid of, very aware of shay.  and shay is the one who suggests closing the relationship into a triad.

potential for sarcoshayphine but this is already so long and yeah.... anyways always please talk to me about trans!delphine