#and because i don’t have ps anymore i’m just making garbage on my phone now for the sake of it

[midukki]

padmini | പദ്മിനി (2023)

[theyneedtobangstahp]

Stray kids reaction to s/o asking them to help when they see a spider

Okay I also imagine almost all of them are going to be more scared than you HAHAHAHA ps. I am also afraid of spiders egsdjbdgnd anything is good just not spiders pls i will literally die. 

Genre: Crack

` C H A N ▪

Chan is a sweetheart. We all know that. When you saw the spider near the door when you were about to go out and buy groceries, you immediately went inside Chan’s studio. You just sit there on the sofa, he doesn’t notice you right away when you sit down because he had headphones on. Minutes later he’s shocked to see you still here.

“I thought you were going out to buy groceries? What are you still doing here?”

“Well, funny story. I was going to go out, but then, haha. I saw this thing on the door, and I just bolted here for safety.” 

“May I ask what you saw?” He asks still confused. 

“It’s a spider.” You say getting goosebumps just by saying it. “Why didn’t you tell me earlier? I would have gotten rid of it for you?”

“You were busy. I couldn’t possibly disturb you.” You say to him. 

“I’m never busy for you babe.” He says and stands up from his chair. 

“Now, where is that spider that scared you hm?” 

` M I N H O ▪

Minho would teasingly threaten the spider that scared you. Then tease you for getting scared of the spider. 

“What would you do if I weren’t here to take that spider outside?” He asks you as closes the front door. “I would wait for you to get home. Easy.” 

“But what if I was on tour? Are you gonna wait months just for me to take it out?” He asks while sitting next to you on the couch.

“You need to protect our children y/n! They are also afraid of spiders, random things also but that not the point. What would you do if I wasn’t here?” 

“I would probably stand near it mustering up the courage to even kill it. Then maybe scream a little bit, then look at it then get disgusted by it. Then maybe I��ll finally get the courage to kill it.” 

“Well at least I know you can do it if I’m away on tour. You need to protect our children when I’m on tour okay?” He says while holding up his pinky finger.

“Okay okay. But while you’re here, you handle all the bug stuff, okay?” You say while also holding out your pinky. 

“Deal.”  

` C H A N G B I N ▪

Changbin would be scared too. But then his mind reminds him of the times where you keep telling him that he was so cute and soft when all he wanted to hear from you that he was manly and strong. So this was the time to prove it. 

When he heard you calling for him from the other room, voice full of panic, he would run to you. When he saw that there was a small spider on the table, he would be kind of insulted. That small thing? Even he was afraid of spiders but not that small of a spider. 

“You’re scared of that?” He says as he looks at you with disbelief. 

“Yes! It may be small for you, but for me it’s really huge!” 

“If I kill it will you stop calling me cute and soft? I don’t work out to be called soft y/n.” He says seriously. 

“Yeah, sure whatever. Just please get rid of it.” 

Changbin grabs a tissue and quickly throws it out. “See? Easy peasy.” He says while smiling at you cutely. “How am I supposed to call you manly and strong when you smile at me like that? You just make my heart melt?” You say while pouting at him and pinching his cheeks. 

“Want me to get that spider from the trash and put it in our room?” He threatens you. “Oh my manly and strong, very strong boyfriend! What would I do without you?” You say sarcastically. 

“I’ll accept it, but you have to fix the tone next time babe.” 

` H Y U N J I N ▪

Let’s be real. He will act all tough and cocky when you tell him to help you get rid of the spider. But the second he sees it, he will be more scared than you.

“You’re scared of a small spider? Come on y/n I thought you were better than this!” You then explain to him that it was kinda huge and how you really needed to pee and it was just sat near the toilet. He peeks in the bathroom and low and behold there it was. A big ass spider near the toilet. He closes the door and looks back at you. 

“You didn’t tell me it was that big of a spider.” 

“I did! You wouldn’t believe me!” You say.

“How can a spider be that big? We live in Korea, not in Australia!” He practically screams.

“I know right! So, can you kill it?” Hyunjin takes out his phone and calls someone. “Who are you calling?” You ask him, suddenly curious. 

“Chan hyung.” He says. “Why?”

“He lived in Australia. We can call him and ask him to help us take it out. He is used to seeing big spiders right?” He says while waiting for Chan to pick up. 

5 minutes later Hyunjin ends the call with Chan and smiles at you. “He’s coming in 10 minutes. Can you hold it in for 10 more minutes?” 

“I don’t have a choice now do I?” You say. 10 minutes has never felt so long for you. 

` J I S U N G ▪

Jisung would be scared. He would try to kill the spider or at least take it out of the house. But he would be really disgusted and would hesitate when he got close to it. 

“Come on Jisung you can do it!” You say 10 feet away from him. 

“I can’t! It’s staring into my soul y/n! Can’t we just burn the house down or something?” He says practically shaking from where he stands.

“We can’t! This is the only home we have so we need to protect it!” You say going next to him. The bug spray in your hands. 

“We’re gonna need great teamwork here okay? I spray it, you sweep it outside. Like the farthest you can sweep it okay?” You say to him. He nods his head and grips the broom tighter. You spray the spider and you both scream when it falls on the floor. 

“Go Jisung! Sweep it out!” You practically scream at him. you rush to the door to open it for him and he legit does it like he’s playing golf. The spider shoots out of your door and you quickly shut it. You go near him and you both high five each other. 

“We make a great team.”

“That we do.”

` F E L I X ▪

Felix would definitely try his best to get rid of the spider. Kinda scared of it also. But when he sees you with those pleading eyes of yours for him to kill it, he musters up all the courage that he’s got. 

“Come on Felix you can do this. Do it for y/n. Look at how scared she is. You need to protect her.” He says to himself while going near the spider. He holds the magazine in his hand tighter, ready to swing it at the spider. 

“Wait!” You scream. He looks at you wide eyed. “What?” 

“What if it has eggs? When you hit it with the magazine it’s eggs will be all over the place!” 

“What do you suggest we do?” You get up from your spot and get a clear container with a lid. You hand it to him then run back to your spot. 

“There, catch it then we can leave the container outside for the night. Or we can throw out the container. I am not touching that ever again.” 

He takes the lid off and catches the spider. You guys throw it in the trash then he looks at you. 

“See? Told you I’m not scared of spiders.” He says while standing proudly and patting himself on the back.

“I never said you were. Also, I heard you giving yourself a pep talk when you were gonna smack it.” 

` S E U N G M I N ▪

He would not be scared at all. Boy has seen worse than that small spider you were afraid of. You would be sitting at the corridor just outside of your bedroom, and he would be really confused.

“What are you doing out here?”

“There is a spider in our room, and I’m too scared to get it out.”

“Where?” You show him where the spider was and he almost laughs at you. 

“You’re scared of a small spider? This type doesn’t even bite us. It feeds on smaller bugs.” 

“I don’t care if it doesn’t want to eat me. Can you just take it out please? You know how scared I am of spiders.” You say to him while hiding more behind him. Not wanting to see the monstrosity. 

“Okay okay. Pass me a tissue please.” You give him one and you are really amazed at how he doesn’t even bat an eyelash when he catches the spider and walks to the garbage outside of your house. 

You clap loudly when he comes back inside. “My hero!” You say then hug him real tight. “Anything for you baby.” He says while hugging you tight.

` J E O N G I N ▪

Would legit reply with “But I’m baby” to you. You both are scared of spiders and none of you were ready to die yet so you both didn’t know what to do. 

“But you’re my boyfriend! You’re supposed to protect me!” 

“Yeah! From like creeps or stranger danger or to anyone else! Not a spider! I’m also afraid of those things! Like the legs and all.” You both shudder at what he says. Both disgusted by the spider near the ceiling of your living room. 

“What are we gonna do then? Let it live peacefully in our home? What are we gonna do next? Let it pay the rent for us?” You say to him sarcastically.  

“why don’t we just call one of the boys to get it for us?” He says while taking out his phone.” He dials a number then looks at you. You were staring at the ceiling with a worried look.

“y/n? Hello? You okay?” He asks. You look at him with wide eyes. 

“I-It’s not there anymore.” He looks over at the spot where it once was. It. Was. Not. There. 

“D-Do you wanna sleep over at the dorms for a few days?” 

“Sure, let’s go. Hurry!” 

[absolutepx]

So I've been playing Death Stranding lately. Wait, that's not what this post is about. Well, it kind of is. Hang on. What is Death Stranding about?

A: Norman Reedus getting bare ass naked B. Sneaking around ghosts with the help of your sidekick, an actual baby C: Carrying 50 Amazon packages up a hill while trying to not topple over D: Waking up in the morning and drinking 5 Monster Energy™ for breakfast

For those following along at home, the answer is actually none of the above. Despite the set dressing being bizarre to the point of near absurdity, what the game is actually about, like thematically, is actually really simple.

See, the development of Death Stranding was actually quite a trip. Hideo Kojima is the video game world's equivalent of an auteur director. He has a very recognizable personal style. It's thoroughly horny – he caught a bunch of shit for the design of Quiet in MGSV, but like, a lot of Kojima characters are just -like that-, including the dudes. Also, this is going to possibly be important later.

Anyway, so Kojima was going to do a rebootmakequel of Silent Hill, and the demo actually made it to the PS store and I could actually write a whole side essay about why P.T. (it was called P.T. for some reason btw) was brilliant game design for how it used the same hallway over and over and it was somehow beneficial to the overall feeling of horror. So Konami it turns out kinda sucks nowadays and they like, fired Kojima (they were huge dicks about it behind closed doors, too) and scrapped the project and kicked him out on the street and kept the Metal Gear series which was his baby (literally the baby in the sink in P.T., he snuck a bunch of messaging about the Konami situation into the demo like a breakup album) and Kojima would go on to form his own studio and poach some of the people who worked with him to boot. So the thing about Kojima is this: he's got a reputation for already putting some wild shit in his games, like a ladder that takes like 10 real time minutes to climb in MGS3 for dramatic effect, and a boss in MGS3 that summons the ghosts of all the people you were too lazy to stealth past and killed, or a sniper battle with a really old guy that he wanted to have last two weeks or some shit until he died of old age but he was "told that "this was impossible and not recommended." That is a real quote I just looked up. So he's coming off the heels of making this hugely successful game with MGSV and the hype of the P.T. Demo and he fucking, he like took all the people that were going to be working on P.T. Along like Guillermo Del Toro was going to co-write it and Norman Reedus was going to star in it, and he's like, I'm going to make this game called Death Stranding. And the first trailer comes out for it and it's completely nuts. Norman Reedus wakes up naked on a beach crying with a baby and there are floating people in the sky? So we're all like hooooooly shit, there's no one to tell him "this is impossible and not recommended" anymore. What's he going to make now!?

So the whole time the game is in development I keep seeing these tweets where it'll be like, Kojima and one of his homies smiling with some saccharine message about being spiritual warriors and changing the world. And not just Del Toro and Reedus, there was Mads Mikkelsen (another guy Kojima puts in the game just because he apparently loves him), and the band Chvches, and also like, Keanu Reeves at one point? You know how everyone has just kind of accepted that Keanu is a being of light? Here he was endorsing Kojima. The hype was pretty confused and frantic.

The game eventually comes out. A lot of game journos hate it because I think there was this expectation it was going to be, you know, less weird and have more of the conventional structure of a video game. That's not to say the average gamer wasn't also dismissive of it, but I think on the ground level there was more of an understanding that like, yeah, Kojima just be like that sometimes.

Because the game was a timed console exclusive and your homie don't play like that, I spent the first year or so cautiously viewing Death Stranding from a distance. I wasn't sure I was going to like it – except for being really impressed with P.T., I wasn't actually a big fan of Kojima's games as games – but I -was- sure that I was going to buy it, because of the way Konami fucked him over, just out of support. And the shit I was hearing was really out there. The primary mode of gameplay is just delivery packages. You collect Norman Reedus' bathwater and pee and use it as grenades. You get a motorcycle that looks like the one from AMC's The Ride with Norman Reedus, and when you sit on it, his character in the game says "Wow, this thing is like the one from AMC's The Ride with Norman Reedus!"

But I didn't really want to know that much about it. Something has that much fucking crazy person energy, you want to go in mostly blind, right? So maybe people just weren't talking about this, or maybe I wasn't seeing it, but then I watched Girlfriend Reviews' video about it and they came right out and said it (link provided if you want to hear Shelby say it more articulately than me):

Death Stranding is basically about the exact opposite of Twitter. It's about remembering how to be kind to each other, how to reconnect in a world where people are so often hostile to each other by default. Prophetically, it's about a world where people are afraid to go outside or touch other people and how damaging that is. It's not a game about carrying packages, it's a game about helping people by being brave enough to walk through a wasteland carrying their burdens because they can't. It's about rebuilding the lost connections between people, about restoring roads and giving people hope. I bet, for Kojima and the people close to him, it's about how to answer hostility with compassion. You can't kill people in Death Stranding. You can and are absolutely encouraged to fucking throw hands with people sometimes, but all the tools and weapons are nonlethal. So I think Kojima took all the Twitter heat he got over the Quiet nontroversy, and all the feelings of isolation he had from Konami separating him from his team during the end of the development of MGSV, and all the support and encouragement he got from his bros Del Toro and Mads and the rest, and decided to channel that into making a game that was a statement about all of it. And sure, it's a little heavy handed, and sure, it's a little saccharine, and sure, the gameplay sometimes borders on miserable in service of creating emotional payoffs. For me, especially in 2020, this message is a huge success. Social media should be an opportunity for all of us to feel more connected to each other, yet primarily it feels like one of the main forces driving people apart. Why is that? Why is the internet of today such a hostile place? I'm old enough to remember web 1.0: I can haz cheezburger memes; YTMND; the early wild west days of Youtube... What happened to us? I've thrown the blame at Twitter in the past, and I think the architecture of the user experience on Twitter is absolutely a big piece of the puzzle, because it fosters negative interactions. But in terms of the behavior, people have observed that 2018 Twitter was actually almost exactly like 2014 Tumblr. (For the record, Tumblr is now one of the chillest places left on the internet, because so few fucks are left to give.)

I think part of it is the anonymity. The dehumanizing disconnection of the separation of screens and miles. Louis CK, before he was cancelled, had a great point about cyberbullying, and why it's so much more savage than kids are IRL. When you pick on someone in person and you are confronted with seeing the pain you caused them, for most sane people it causes negative feedback and you become disgusted with your actions and eventually learn to stop being a shithead. Online, at best you can "break the wrist, walk away".

At worst, you can become addicted to "clout chasing" and the psychological thrill of being cheered on by your social ingroup. It's even worse if you feel like it's not bullying and your actions are justified because whoever you've targeted is a bad person so you don't have to feel bad about what you do to them. This is where reductive, unhelpful catchphrases like "punch a nazi" come in. For every argument, one or both sides have convinced themselves that the other side is subhuman because their beliefs are so disgusting. And sometimes it's even true! A lot of times, especially these days, people really are acting like animals or worse online. Entire disinformation engines are roaring day and night, churning out garbage and cluttering the social consciousness. (Kojima talked about this bit, too, way back in MGS2. As if I wasn't already in danger of losing my thread through this.)

The human brain was not built to live like this. You can't wake up every morning, roll over and open your phone, and be immediately faced with a tidal wave of anger and indignity. It wasn't built to be aware of fully how horrible the world is at any moment ALL AT ONCE, ALL THE TIME. And you will be. Because of another way that our brain works – the way we are more likely to share negative opinions. And because of the cottage industry built on farming outrage clicks, and because of constant performative activism.

It's not that I don't agree that being informed is important.

It's not that I don't agree that the causes people get riled up about are important.

They are. They absolutely are.

But we can't keep living like this. The constant, unending flood of tragedy, arguments, and hot takes. How much of the negativity we associate with online culture is the product of this feedback loop? What if the rise of doomer culture has been, if not entirely created by, has been nourished and exacerbated by our hostile attitudes toward each other?  Incels and TERFs, white supremacists, radfems, tankies and Trumpers – it seems like on every side of every issue, there are people simultaneously getting it wrong in multiple directions at once and there are more being radicalized every day. They are the toxic waste left behind by the state of discourse. And any hill is a hill worth dying on.

So what am I actually advocating? I don't know. There are a lot of fights going on right now that are important and we can't just climb into bunkers and ignore our problems hoping that Norman Reedus and his fine ass are going to leave the shit we need on our doorsteps. We need to find the strength to carry those hypothetical packages for ourselves sometimes - and hopefully, for others as well. Humans are social creatures. We need interaction and enrichment.

We need love.

So just try to remember the connections between humanity. Try to put more good stuff into the world when you can. Share more shitposts and memes. Tell your friends and family that you love them. Share good news when you hear it. Go on a weird fucking tangent about Death Stranding. Find a way to "be excellent to each other, and party on, dudes."

[shaykeijser]

riverdale 2x19

here are my thoughts/reactions to this weeks episode of riverdale. this wasn't requested but i posted one for another episode and it got a lot of notes (for me) so i'll do another one. this obviously will be including spoilers so i'm don't read under the cut if you haven't seen it/don't want to see spoilers! i've already seen this so they aren't technically 'first thoughts', but these were my thoughts when it happened. psa: i'm not a fan of jughead and betty. like at all. and sometimes archie. so if you're a die hard stan, who'll send me angry messages - feel free to because i love discussions!

- don't get me wrong i'm sad midge died but like...what made s1 good was the murder mystery plot. they 'solved' the black hood murders (if you think/thought svensen was the black hood then you're dumb sorry) way too fast which is one of the reasons why s2 is eh - are singing numbers gonna be a regular thing since the musical episode? i'm not mad but i'm just curious - lmao kevin being jealous of reggie comforting moose is a mood - also, i don't think moose killed midge or is the black hood, but it's gonna be so dumb if they don't consider him a suspect - especially since what he yelled before she was killed that was most likely a reaction to that weird fangs scene - we been knew (is that the phrase) that ethel sent them - why the fuck you lyin? @ moose - seriously tho moose the truth is gonna come out that you yelled whatever you said (i'm too lazy to figure out what it was directly) so you might as well own up to it now - AM I GOING CRAZY OR SOMETHIING BUT DIDN'T ARCHIE FUCKING SEE THE BLACK HOOD? WHEN HE WALKED INTO THE LOBBY OF THE PEMBROOKE AND SAW HIM BEATING THAT DUDE UP AND RAN AFTER HIM AND LOOKED INTO HIS EYES!?!?! WHY ISN'T HE TELLING ANYONE THIS ASJFJOA - "he was wearing a black hood" bItcH listen i believe that for whatever reason svenson was trying to act like he's the black hood but the fact that he was wearing... a black hood... shouldn't be your argument for why it's him - :(((( midge's mom sobbing is so sad - wtf was that look for penelope - LOOK AT PEA IN THE BACKGROUND OF CHERYLS SPEECH - mrs. klump SNAPPED - i could make a whole separate post reacting to the dumb shit betty's does in this episode. like her jumping to defend him? you've been trying since day 1 to get him out of your life since you brought him in. even though you saw how HAPPY he made your mother. i don't think he's behind the murders but why wouldn't betty want to investigate him? hell - i would want to investigate him just in case! - arch you're on to something - concerned veronica is so soft i love it - archie usually makes the dumbest mistakes (well he does a lot) but i'm so happy he's connecting the dots and realizing that the black hood isn't svenson - why is there such a weird gap between jughead and betty as the walk out of pops? like don't get me wrong, i don't ship bughead, but it's not because i don't think they have chemistry together. they usually have a decent amount. however, the gap reminds me of this cringy photo of my friend where he's 2 feet apart from his fav retired teacher and his friend. just saying - it couldn't be anyone...it'd yo dad and moose. he's going after those he tried to kill but failed to (tab) ps the black hood is such a shitty killer lmao like he got better with how he killed midge but when he tried the first time... - i'm not really a fan of varchie but ronnie saying that she doesn't even want to think bout anything bad happening to archie is supa cute - i can't stand hal why is he even getting screen time NO ONE LIKES HIM - archie caring bout fred warms my heart bc fred deserves the world. seriously. i love that man - archie made such a good point though bout how midge was killed in a full auditorium. like damn, the black hood really improved his game. even though i think it's the same guy, the same guy improving his murdering skills so much without practice is odd - IM ONLY 8 MINUTES IN UGH IM TIRED ALREADY - i feel so bad for ronnie she's being manipulated to the max. i'm happy she caught on rn but i can only hope  she continues that trend ~ btw i'm sweetvee trash and @veeandpea (love you iswa thanks for introducing me to this ship <3) pointed out such a good concept saying how they'll get together after ronnie realizes how she's being manipulated. just wanted to share that - bosom lmao - hermoine exploiting cheryl's grief and determination is so annoying and sad - "i am cousins with cheryl blossom" lmao i'm happy she's not trying to pretend they're friends anymore - hold up...they didn't go to the cops after the busted cheryl out!!? what the fuck - it's actually so dumb that betty wouldn't consider chic maybe not being her brother ugh - there's like no family resemblance with that kid in the picture idk what you're on old lady - ope it's a morph suit! tbt to halloween when these were all the rage - since when did betty know how to fight??? - graham phillips (the guy who plays nick) is actually so hot like why did they have to make him a bad guy!!! - how did he get hotter?? it's the stubble right - the only mob storyline i like is in general hospital (a soap opera i watch with my mom) - "he's not blood" y'all did that blood thing?? isn't that the equivalent - i get why the lodges aren't going to help archie but they got him into this whole mess - when called her opinion piece a 'thought piece' the journalist in me shuddered so hard i hard i had to pause the show -i'm iffy bout the sherrif keller because he is shit at his job but he honestly didn't sign up for the big mess riverdale is - why is this whole episode not interrogations/why did we only see a few?? i liked s1 because it was a murder mystery and right now it's just feeling like a drama - THIS IS SO HEARTBREAKING I LOVE ALICE SO MUCH SHE DOESN'T DESERVE THIS - why would nick care about your dad lmao - holy shit kj looks horrible with his hair flat like that - how did veronica know that wad of money wasn't enough so quickly is she super smart or something cuz i like that headcanon - #praying that nick and ronnie's money exchange is gonna be discrete - why is this show so dumb YOU DON'T PASS BLACK BAGS BETWEEN TWO ANGRY PEOPLE OVER THE TABLE??? IM DISAPPOINTED IN YOU CW I'VE SEEN Y'ALL DO BETTER SET UPS THAN THIS - ???how did he know it wasn't all of it - !?!!?why didn't ronnie just say no trust me it is because he would've been like eh ok (probably) - that's an insult to reptiles - this scene is so so sad madchen is such a good actress - FP DIDN'T MAKE A SCENE HE JUST HUGGED HER WHEN SHE TOLD HIM AWW I LOVE THEM - if i was betty and i heard that ringtone i'd put my phone down the garbage disposal oops - actually no i would change my number so he wouldn't be able to call me - what's the point of her writing those words down other than to annoy the viewers who can hear the marker squeeking - i'm starting to like archie a lot more i'm happy - i don't think chic killed him, i don't know if the whole overdosing explanation is true but i don't think he killed him - hart denton is such a good actor i love him i hope he doesn't leave - betty and veronica are supposed to be best friends again yet veronica's going into this all alone? have they even spoken this whole episode? - "some sinner's only confess when faced with certain death" aye that rhymes - protective fp is my favorite fp - i love a man who's learned from his mistakes that put him in prison - veronica and nick look hot as fuck - (btw i don't like nick he's just hot as fuck) - she so roofied him - why didn't archie try and do that shit to get out before - is where archie is and where veronica and nick are even close to each other? - hal's probably like shit i should have stayed away from this family - oh my god she's talking bout grundy!! the first time i thought it was jughead's old one that ended up being the candy man - AHAHAHAA veronica's putting nick up for ransom - i still don't think chic killed the real charles - betty not shooting the black hood during this scene is so dumb. maybe even one of the dumbest. i don't know though. she's done a lot dumb things - :((( i really like hart i don't want him to leave the show - dead ass when i watched this the first time i thought 'remember when kevin got his dad really drunk so he could steal the files' and now that i'm watching this again....i remember that happened in teen wolf - he's a mobster how can he help with a serial killer - no more lies elizabeth cooper! - i've thought hal was the black hood all this season so i'm happy more people think the same!!! but seriously betty suspecting her dad doesn't really make sense

[just-one-string-in-a-silent-sea]

Pete Dunne Request (I lost the baby)

Request: “I lost the baby.” With Pete Dunne

Warnings: Angst, Language

A/N: So this is super angsty but it has a happy ending so please don’t hate me you know I’d never do my Petey so dirty, PS this is the first fic I’ve ever written that’s mostly showing Pete’s point of view without being written in first person. I think it’s third person objective? Tell me which one.

Word Count: 1,424

When that first pink plus sign had shown up on that tiny plastic screen, it was like her life was a little more colorful, her heart was a little bit bigger, her laugh was a little bit louder.

Pete noticed, of course he noticed. He noticed everything about her, it was his favorite pastime. He sat at night sometimes when she fell asleep, watching her, memorizing every little detail and smiling at each and every one. He prided himself on seeing everything about her, memorizing all of her little habits, her favorite phrases and words. When the news had first come in that she was pregnant, she smiled more. She stopped biting her nails, her hands came to rest on her tummy most of the time. Pete loved it, Pete loved her, Pete loved their baby.

The happiness he’d brought her banished any trace of fear or doubt he’d had about if they were ready to be parents. As long as she never stopped smiling, he didn’t care. He loved her, and he would love their child just the same.

Day by day, he mentally added things to his list of things he could do to make her happy, a list that was monumentally long since they’d first started dating 2 years ago. He knew everything about you, and yet still he learned new things every day.

The first month she’d just been fawning over the fact that she was pregnant, and it was Pete’s. He had made arrangements from the moment he found out to have her travel with him until she hit six months, not that they had to worry about that yet. The first month he came home a lot to find her singing and dancing and cooking, a look in her eyes that he adored. When he walked in, she’d always run to him, kiss him, then pull him with her to dance, and he always danced with her even if he tripped a lot, because it made her smile.

The second month, she checked every day to see if your bump was forming, and she had him take pictures every day so she could compare with the day before to see if the bump was growing or if she was just over excited. When she took his phone from him and scrolled through the pictures, one hand resting on her tummy, he watched her. And every day he kissed her forehead, and every day she smiled and rested her head on his shoulder.

The third month, the tiny bump had formed, and the shopping began. Shopping every week, for useless items that they probably didn’t need but she insisted they should have. Pete didn’t argue, what did he know about babies? The only thing he had picked out had been a set of special headphones so she could play music for their baby. Pete knew that someday he would have a good use for the countless recordings of her singing he’d been taking secretly since they first started dating. She’d started to scroll on pinterest, facebook, etsy, constantly looking up ideas for nurseries, names, anything to do with babies really. And he didn’t care, it made her happy, and that was all that mattered to him.

Then on the first day of the fourth month, everything changed.

She’d woken up from bed and scrambled to the bathroom, Pete in tow to hold her hair as she vomited into the toilet. He rubbed her back, wondering why she’d never gotten morning sickness before now.

He’d carried her back to bed and called off work, as she was exhausted and pale and he worried for her. As she slept, he stayed in bed with her, not even leaving to get food.

Two hours later she’d hurled again, and Pete had brought their garbage can to sit beside her bed, but an hour after the second vomiting spew, the cramps came.

When the first one tore through her body, she had screamed, and he knew something was wrong. He carried her to their car, and drove her to the Emergency room, where the bleeding started, and he swore he saw his love’s eyes turn dead.

Five hours later, she was sobbing in the hospital bed as the doctor apologized, and he was holding her hand, but it was cold and shaking, and he bit his lip so hard it drew blood, because he would be damned if he made her have to go through this with him crying too.

The following night the two of them went home, but she was silent. She crossed the threshold and walked straight to their bedroom, laying down and going to sleep. He sat with her in bed while she slept, then awoke, then slept, then awoke. She never said a word, she just laid there, staring at the wall. Like she wasn’t even in there anymore.

He made her meals, but she didn’t eat them. He held her, but she didn’t notice. He talked to her, but she didn’t talk back. He didn’t leave her side for three days, but he knew he had to go back to work, not that he didn’t feel shitty about it.

Each day after work he brought her something to try to make her happy, but she always just looked at him, then turned her gaze back to the wall.

After a week, she’d finally started eating, but then she started to drink. He came home to find her drunk, sitting on the couch watching hallmark movies with tear tracks on her cheeks most nights.

When he walked in, she would always look at him, then turn her eyes back to the TV and take a swig of whatever alcohol she was having that night.

Each night, after he held her hair while she vomited and sobbed, he carried her to bed. Then he laid awake, stroking her hair and holding her.

Then one night, when he thought she was asleep, he started to cry. First it was just one tear, rolling down his cheeks, and then they were rolling in rivulets, and he was shaking and sobbing and gasping for air that never filled his lungs.

“Oh darlin’,” He whispered, “I’m so so sorry…I wish I could fix it, I wish I could make it all better, I wish I could make it stop hurting…but I can’t.” His voice cracked and he sobbed harder, trying his best to stay quiet.

“I miss you, love. I miss you so much. I miss your smile, I miss your voice, I miss your laugh. I miss you so much it hurts. You don’t understand how much I need you to come back to me…I just want you to come back to me, I want you to come back to me so I can start helping you, but you won’t let me in and-“

He was cut off by a kiss, the first he’d had in three weeks, and he squeezed her, sobbing.

She was quiet when they parted, but her hand reached up and rested on his cheek, and she rubbed gently until he felt himself drifting, and for the first night in weeks, he slept peacefully.

 The next morning when he woke up, the bed was empty, and he sat up, looking around the room. She wasn’t in bed. He listened for her in the bathroom, but when he didn’t hear her in there, he heard another sound coming from the kitchen.

He stepped out of bed, following his ears to the kitchen, where he leaned against the doorframe, watching her. She was wearing one of his shirts, her back was turned to him, but she was cooking at the stove, humming quietly.

When she turned around, she was holding two plates of fried potatoes and toast, and she gave him a smile.

It still held sadness, but it was a smile, and when he rushed forward and encased her in his strong arms, he knew that with time, he would see his love’s smile again, and with time, she would come back to him.

[dragonflybelle]

Osomatsu-san PS Vita game translation - Choromatsu 01 - Father’s Day

Choromatsu: Sigh...

Osomatsu: What’s up, Choromatsu, you not going to eat any more of that? Then I’ll have it. Ahh, munch munch munch... Todomatsu: Ah, I got an email. ...Wah, I did it! I got tickets to a movie preview! Karamatsu: Hey brothers. Did you know? Shoyu is called ‘soy sauce’ overseas? Jyushimatsu: Ha Ha! Get a load of that, that’s so weird. Soy! Soy! Soy! Karamatsu: Soy sauce boy. Heh.. I ought to fly off to a foreign land soon myself. Ichimatsu: ... Karamatsu: Arghhh! Argh! Argh! Arrghhh!! Jyushimatsu: Ah, soy soy soy soy! Tea! Oh my‼︎！ Choromatsu: ...Sigh. Osomatsu: What’s up with you right now, you got a stomach ache or something? Ah, you already ate something good by yourself, didn’t you! Choromatsu: No, it’s just that... The interview I had the other day seems like it was no good. Osomatsu: Ha-Hah! That happens to you all the time! Don’t get bothered by it. Choromatsu: Don’t say it happens all the time! You really have no sense of tact, do you! Jyushimatsu: Soy soy soy soy! Choromatsu: Ahhhh... I’m trying so hard, why can’t things go well for me.

Matsuzo: ... Matsuyo: What is it, dear? Matsuzo: Hmm? Ahh... no, it’s nothing. Matsuyo: Still, why is it the case that weekends in our house are always like this. I’d like to at least eat my lunch in peace. Matsuzo: ...Hey, dear. What day is the third Sunday of this month? Matsuyo: Ehh? Er... oh dear. What day is it? Matsuzo: You, you know, another way of saying pastor... would be? Matsuyo: Do you mean pasteurised milk? Matsuzo: That’s not it... Ah, I’d like to get a new tie soon. Matsuyo: ...? Then why don’t you? Matsuzo: ... Ahem. Feather. There’s a feather in the garden from a little bird. Choromatsu: Shut up! I’m worrying about my job prospects here, can’t you be little quiet!? Matsuzo: Ye, yes! I’m sorry!! Choromatsu: Eh? Ah, sorry. I wasn’t really talking to you, Dad. Matsuzo: Ahh, right... sighhh. Choromatsu: ...? ...Ah.

Osomatsu: Alright then, thanks for all your hard work today! Ichimatsu: ... Well, we haven’t really done anything though. Todomatsu: Let’s promise not to mention that. And anyway... Sextuplets: Yeah! Osomatsu: Gulp... gulp... gulp... ahh! That was a good one! Gulp.. gulp... pwahh. Choromatsu: Ahh... Erm... Do you remember what day it is next week on Sunday? Osomatsu: No, not at all. Choromatsu: You answered that a bit quick! Gulp gulp... sigh. Didn’t you notice anything after watching Dad this afternoon? Karamatsu: Come to think of it, I feel like he was looking at us a lot more than usual... Choromatsu: That’s it! Dad was trying to make it really obvious to us. He was definitely concerned about Father’s Day! Todomatsu: I noticed. Because he was looking at a special feature on fathers in a magazine this morning. Jyushimatsu: Father’s Day? What’s Father’s Day? Boobs? (Fathers Day is similar to Boobs Day in Japanese) Todomatsu: It’s not that, it’s a day where you give presents and stuff to your father to show your appreciation. Jyushimatsu: Heh. So, what present? Karamatsu: If it was me, I’d like an special concept bike made by an Italian designer and an engineer. There was a feature promoting them in “The Bike Way....” Have a look! This simple yet painstakingly thought out and too beautiful to believe body! It truly would not be an exaggeration to say that it was made for me... Todomatsu: Uwah, what is this? It’s covered in glitter. Your hobbies are painful as usual. And come to think of it, you don’t have a license, Karamatsu-niisan. Karamatsu: Heh... Me and the too beautiful bike! Choromatsu: Sigh... Dammit, that’s what you want for a present. Think about this properly, you guys. Todomatsu: Ahh, sorry sorry. But hey, Choromatsu-niisan. In the end, Mom’s the one holding the purse strings, it doesn’t really matter if we think of anything, you see? Osomatsu: That’s right. Buttering up Dad won’t get us anything... hick. Ichimatsu: ...I don’t want to work. Even thinking about it is a pain... Karamatsu: Sometimes excessive charm is a sin! Ahh, what a deeply sinful man I am! Jyushimatsu: One more beer, chief! Choromatsu: ...! Y-o-u g-u-y-s-! Most of the time all you do is sponge off people, so at least be serious at times like this!

Osomatsu: Grr! What’s with that tone of yours? You’re a NEET too, just like the rest of us. Choromatsu: Wha!? I do some part time jobs, and I go to Hello Work. Don’t act like I’m like you and have no intention of working from the start, Osomatsu-niisan. Osomatsu: ...! Oi oi, what are you acting so smug about? Pretending you’re a proper worker? You argue for arguments sake and put down everything and then you quickly disagree with something and quit. You’ve never continued with anything for very long, have you? Choromatsu: ...! Ah, ah, so trash like you is talking like that to me!? I don’t need to listen to trash that doesn’t even go to part time job interviews or Hello Work! Osomatsu: Huh? What the f**k! What’s this about part time jobs! What’s this about Hello Work! Don’t you know the phrase ‘If you start working, you lose!’ Choromatsu: No, I don’t!! Why is that the only thing you have any dedication for, you shitty NEET! Garbage NEET! Idiot! Idiot! Todomatsu: Hey, Choromatsu-niisan! That was pretty horrible of you!? Choromatsu: Horrible!? Which one of us is the horrible one, idiot! Ahh, I can’t put up with this anymore. I’m going home! Osomatsu: Yeah, yeah, go home, go home! *Sticks tongue out*! Choromatsu: ...Grrr!

Choromatsu: ...Shit, all of them are just messing around. If it’s come down to this, I’ll celebrate Father’s Day by myself. ...But what am I actually supposed to do about Father’s Day? Hmm... Something even a NEET like me can do? That’s it! This is exactly the kind of situation I should talk to that person in! Hello? Ah, yeah. It’s me... It’s Choromatsu. I’m sorry for calling so late. Erm... do you have some time now? The thing is, there’s something I’d like to discuss about Father’s Day...

Option One: Why not try going to a concert? Choromatsu: I see... would that be a good idea? Dad’s hardly ever been to any concerts before. Hehe, I’m sure it’ll make him happy! Alright, let’s work this out quickly.

Choromatsu: Todomatsu! Todomatsu: Wah! Eh... Choromatsu-niisan? Choromatsu: I’ve got a favour to ask you, Todomatsu, do you have a moment? Todomatsu: Y, yeah. I’m free, I guess...?

Choromatsu: Dad, are you ready?

Matsuzo: Yes, I’m just dandy. My, I never thought I’d be asked to go to a concert by you, Choromatsu. I used to go with your mother a long time ago. This takes me back. Choromatsu: Ehh, I wouldn’t have expected that. You’re always working hard for us Dad. I wanted to at least do Father’s Day properly for you. Matsuzo: Oh... Choromatsu, my boy! Choromatsu: (I’m glad I asked Todomatsu for help. It’s so convenient that you can buy tickets from phones these days. Maybe it’s about time I got my own phone...) Choromatsu: Oh, whoops. If we don’t go soon, we’ll be late! Come on, hurry up, Dad! Matsuzo: Y, yeah!

Choromatsu: Alright? Dad!! This is how you wave the glowstick! Got it!? Matsuzo: Y, yeah... Hey, Choromatsu. This concert, is it piano or something… Choromatsu: Ah, it’s Nyaa-chan!! Matsuzo: !? Nyaa-chan? O, oi... Choromatsu... Choromatsu: Nyaa-chan! Nyaa-chan! Nyaa-chaaaan! Matsuzo: Ehhhh....!?

Choromatsu: Heh... Nyaa-chan was just the cutest today. Ah, what should I do? I’m so excited, I probably won’t be able to sleep tonight... Huh? I feel like I forgot something...? Well, whatever!

Matsuzo: ... Nyaa… Nyaa-chan. … Option Two: Why don’t you get a part time job and buy him a tie?

Choromatsu: A tie... Come to think of it, Dad did say he wanted a new tie. And I do still have some money I made doing a part time job... Osomatsu: What are you doing in a place like this? Choromatsu: W, what are you guys doing here? Karamatsu: Heh, do you want to know? Do you want to know? I guess there’s no helping it. I’ll tell you... Osomatsu: We’re thinking of going to the fishing spot. Do you wanna go to? Choromatsu: (This is dangerous... It’ll be too risky if these two find out!) Choromatsu: Ah... No, I won’t go. Because I’m going to Hello Work now. Osomatsu: That seems suspicious. Choromatsu: !? (Why does he only have good intuition at times like this!) Osomatsu: But you don’t look like you just won it big at pachinko... Choromatsu: ...The truth is, I was going to buy a Father’s Day present. Osomatsu: Father’s Day? ...Hmm, so that’s it. So what are you going to buy him!! Choromatsu: ...A, a tie. Karamatsu: !? A tie!? Heh... in that case, leave it to me! Osomatsu: That’s right, Choromatsu. You’re big brothers will choose the perfect tie, so don’t worry about it! Choromatsu: Ehh!? It, it’s ok. I’ll choose myself! Osomatsu: Let us take care of it, Choromatsu. Choromatsu: (I have a bad feeling about this...!)

Karamatsu: Hmm... We need a more stylish pattern... How about this one, brother? The tie in the centre is cool, don’t you think? Choromatsu: Ehhhhhh... A tie with a picture of a tie on it is out of the question. Karamatsu: Then how about this! Choromatsu: A white base with “Congratulations” written on it in red letters, where would you wear that? Why are you only choosing shitty lame ties? Karamatsu: Hmm? Are you jealous of my sense of taste, brother? Choromatsu: I’m not jealous! Arghh, I’m pissed off already!! Osomatsu: Oi oi, you shouldn’t talk to us like that when we’ve gone out of our way to help you. Choromatsu: Hah!? You’re confusing helping with hindering!! Osomatsu: Heh... You’re an idiot, Choromatsu. Choromatsu: !? Osomatsu: Did you think I would let you get away with scoring some points just for yourself? Have you forgotten... that the six of us are all in the same boat together? Choromatsu: Shit...! Dammiiiiiiit!! Karamatsu: Oi, I found an even better one. Wait... huh, where’s Choromatsu?

Matsuzo: Ah, this is... “To Dad, from Choromatsu.” A present from Choromatsu! He remembered afterall! What’s inside? Oh, it’s a tie. A white tie with “Congratulations” written on it... ... .... Option Three: Why don’t you cook some homemade food? Choromatsu: Homemade food... I can put my heart into it without spending money... yes! That would probably be good. ...

Choromatsu: (The day has come at last... Today is Father’s Day! Mom went out with her friends this morning, and that troublesome Osomatsu-niisan, Karamatsu and Todomatsu aren’t here.)

Ichimatsu: Choromatsu-niisan. I’m ready so you can go get Dad soon. Jyushimatsu: I’m finished too! Choromatsu: Ah, thank you. Thanks for helping out you two. (That’s right...Even though I chose homemade food for my present... To be honest, I’d never cooked before. So even though it probably wouldn’t help much, I asked Ichimatsu and Jyushimatsu... Of course I have some concerns, but I couldn’t do it by myself. And whatever else, cooking is about heart! I’ve got to do this!) Choromatsu: Alright then, I guess I’ll get Dad. Dad, you can come in now.

Matsuzo: Hmm... My, my, so they’re finally ready. I was getting tired of waiting. Choromatsu: Sorry, Dad. We put a lot of effort into the preparations. Now then, as today is Father’s Day, Ichimatsu, Jyushimatsu and I have prepared a full course meal! Matsuzo; F, full course!? Choromatsu: That’s right! Come on, take a seat over here Dad. Matsuzo: Y, yes... I don’t really know what’s going on, but I should accept it gratefully. Choromatsu: Let’s start with Ichimatsu’s entree! Ichimatsu: ...This is my specially made cat food. Choromatsu: Eh!? Cat food!? Ichimatsu:Yeah... This is an exquisite cat food which has become the most in demand dish amongst the neighbourhood cats. Choromatsu: No no no! Even if it is exquisite, cat food is still cat food. Jyushimatsu: I’ve prepared the main dish! Here you go, I’ve prepared three portions. Drool... It looks good. Choromatsu: Hey! This is just cup noodles! And you can’t eat it yourself!? ...I’m sorry, Dad. I thought they’d make something more substantial... Matsuzo: No, no. You boys went through all this trouble to make this food. I’ll eat it.

Choromatsu: Dad...

Matsuzo: Ahh... munch much much. This cat food Ichimatsu made has a very nuanced flavour. Slurp slurp... Yes, this is a tasty cup of noodles. Hmm? Sniff sniff... Choromatsu: Ah! Oh uh. It’s about time it’s ready. It wasn’t just the two of them, I also tried my hand at cooking. Wait a moment. Matsuzo: W, what... this smell is... Ichimatsu: Geh... My, my nose feels like it’s going to fall off. Jyushimatsu: Uwah, stinky! Stinky! Choromatsu: Sorry to keep you waiting! It’s a pudding made with the famous Scandinavian food Surstromming. It’s a bit smelly but it has a really really unusual flavour! Right, tuck in.

Matsuzo: I... I’m.... dying!

Ichimatsu: I, I don’t feel good... I’m going to throw up... geh, ugh!

Jyushimatsu: Whoah! Super stinky! Super stink...woahhhhhhhhh!

Choromatsu: Ah, hey are you three ok? Hey? Well I never… Seems like they don’t get what’s so great… about… this…, wha. Huh…?

[justsomebucky]

Finding Closure (Part 4)

Summary: AU. Reader left behind a hometown full of misery to make a new home in Brooklyn. A death in the family forces her to briefly return to the place that has haunted her dreams and memories for three years. Will she finally be able to move on, or will a figure from the past change everything?

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x reader

Word Count: 3,367

Warnings: angst, language, mentions of bad home life, family issues, revisiting childhood home, excessive Bucky adorableness, drinking, dumb decisions on both sides

A/N: I just needed to post this. Part four of my entry for @tatortot2701‘s AU challenge. I know it’s probably annoying, and it doesn’t get anyone anywhere, but who’s rational when it comes to this stuff anyway? PS - the song is “My Girl” by the Temptations. I hc that Bucky’s uncle used to listen to oldies in the garage.

Part:  1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6

If someone would have told you when you first got back to this town that you’d be sharing a pizza with your ex-boyfriend, you probably would have asked what kind of drugs they were on.

You stared from the doorway of his tiny office, the pizza box in your hands, while Bucky cleared off his desk.  He shifted some paperwork and motioned for you to set the food down.

“Come on in. I won’t bite.”

“You never know.” Your eyes widened as the comeback slipped from your mouth. “Sorry, that’s like my auto-response when someone says that to me. It’s…I’m-“

“Funny.”

Bucky opened the pizza box and you each grabbed a slice, chewing silently for at least half a minute. He must have been uncomfortable too, because he kept shifting in his office chair.

“Thanks, by the way. For the pizza.”

“Thanks for fixing the stupid rental car,” you told him. “How much do I owe you, by the way?”

“Don’t worry about it, Do-”

He almost used his pet name for you.

You pretended not to notice.

“Don’t worry about it,” he repeated softly.

Yeah, no way were you about to owe him anything. “I’m gonna leave money, so you might as well tell me how much.”

Bucky’s brows furrowed. “I can see you’re still stubborn as ever.”

“And I can see you still have a hero complex,” you countered, tossing the pizza crust into the garbage bin near the door.

“Why can’t you just let me do this one thing for you?” He wiped a hand down his face, setting his half-eaten slice back in the box. “It’s not that big of a deal.”

“It is, Bucky. It’s always a big deal. It always seems that way, anyways.” You saw an opportunity and decided to take it. “Why did you get so mad yesterday?”

Bucky’s blue eyes met yours evenly, his expression blank. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Oh come on,” you exclaimed. “’I’m out of here,’ that’s what you said right to my face. Why? Can’t stand the sight of me?”

“Don’t be dramatic.”

“I’m simply asking. You’ve done a total one-eighty here.”

He leaned forward, now beginning to show a little of that anger again. “You know what it was? I can’t believe you came back, for him.”

“What does it matter to you why I’m here?”

“He made you miserable, Y/N! Why would you care to be so kind to him now? He’s gone and you should be thrilled.”

You recoiled at his statement. “He’s still my father, Bucky, whether he was an asshole or not. Yeah, some people have it worse and they definitely have every right to take off and never come back, but…”

Should you tell him the truth? It’s not like you’d see him after this little stint in your hometown, anyway.

“But maybe he was right about me. Maybe-“

“He was never right about you! Dammit, Y/N!” Bucky stood, slamming his hands on the desk in front of him and causing you to jump back a little. He turned around, running both hands over his hair in frustration.

The sight of his posture, the feel of his angry energy over your father - it took you back to the first day Bucky knew it was really bad at home.

“Come on,” Bucky whispered, giving you a sly grin as his hands moved further down your body. “Let’s just sneak up to your bedroom. He won’t even notice.”

“No,” you repeated for the third time. “Please, can’t we just go somewhere until he passes out?”

“Are you hiding our relationship?” His blue eyes clouded over at the thought. “I’m so beneath you that he wouldn’t even want to meet me?”

“It’s not that at all, I promise.” You reached for his face, cupping his cheeks gently, pleading with him to understand. “I don’t want to be there. He’s- Bucky, he’s so mean, you know? He’s a mean drunk. He spouts off all the reasons why I should never have been born…”

This time you saw a spark of anger in his beautiful eyes. Bucky’s jaw clenched, and he looked away from you. “Does he hurt you?”

“No, it’s not like that, I just…” You sighed. “Please, don’t make me go home yet.”

He looked back to you with a nod. “I won’t. We’ll find someplace to go tonight and…I promise, Y/N, someday…”

“It’s over, anyways,” you added quietly, eyes dropping to the floor. “He’s gone, for good now. I’ve sold the house. I won’t have to be back here anymore.”

Bucky turned back around then, and you lifted your gaze to meet his. He didn’t say anything, just stared at you for a beat, but his eyes were so stormy you could tell he was warring with himself on what to say next.

In the end, he just sat back down and picked his pizza back up to continue eating.

You weren’t sure what to say now. Awkward conversation wasn’t exactly your strong point. “So, um…how have you been? This place looks amazing.”

He gave you a look. “An auto shop looks amazing to you? Since when?”

“Since now,” you informed him. “God, take a compliment, Bucky.”

“Stop the small talk then, Y/N.”

“All right,” you said, standing up and brushing your hands off before reaching for your bag. You dug inside and pulled out forty bucks, leaving it on his desk. “Thanks again. See you.”

“Y/N, wait!”

You stopped in the doorway of his office, shifting your bag on your shoulder uncomfortably. Why did you bother to ask him to spend time with you? What were you thinking? Reluctantly, you turned back around to face him.

“I’m sorry.” Bucky moved to stand in front of you, throwing his hands up in frustration. “I never expected to see you back here.”

“Sorry to disappoint you.”

“You’re not, I- can we not for a minute?” Bucky’s eyes softened.

Guilt washed over you. “You’re right. I’m sorry, too.”

He gave you another nod, but didn’t say anything else.

And of course you had to open your mouth again. “I’m glad this place is doing so well, since you chose it over me.”

Bucky’s mouth fell open.

“I know it wasn’t like that,” you continued. “I know it. But that’s how it felt at the time, and that’s how it still sort of feels, as irrational as that is. I know it’s not fair to you, I’m just…I’m throwing it out there.”

“All right,” he nodded. “Well your need to spend my whole life savings on a tiny apartment in New York wasn’t exactly feasible, Y/N, was it? You knew that I meant a real house, one we could settle down in.”

“And you knew I had to get away from my father, Bucky! You even said it not five minutes ago!”

“We didn’t have to live in this town,” he reasoned, his tone growing louder. “I would have moved away with you, Y/N, if you would have given me the chance!”

“Would it have been enough?” You shook your head sadly. “You would have moved to the next town over, Buck, but not far enough.”

The two of you contemplated that for a moment, looking anywhere but each other.

“I never expected us to end up like this,” he said finally, staring at the door frame beside your head. “I thought we’d be married by now, maybe planning vacations or trying for a kid.”

You let out a chuckle, blinking fast. “It sounds nice in theory, doesn’t it?”

“I heard you finished your degree early.”

“Summer classes,” you supplied meekly. “There was a, uh, company in New York that wanted me to start working for them, so they paid for some of my tuition.”

Bucky nodded, glancing back at you. “That’s great. I’m happy for you.”

“And I’m happy for you, too. You’re doing really well for yourself.”

“Dammit,” he groaned. “Let’s say anything but polite small talk.”

You racked your brain for a second. “Thanks for cleaning my room. I might need that key back, though, since the house has been sold.”

He looked startled. “Your room? You mean back at the house?”

“Yeah, Bucky, I know it was you.”

“I don’t have the key anymore.”

At least he didn’t bother denying it.

“Where is it?”

“I threw it in the lake beside the school,” he said, chuckling. “Didn’t need it anymore, right?”

“Nice.” You leaned against the frame, shifting your weight to your other foot. “And my room?”

“It was messy. I was trying to find you that day I heard about your dad, but…”

But you had been long gone probably, by the time the news would have reached his ears. You merely nodded in understanding. After all, why would you have told him?

“Thanks for not reading my letter, by the way,” he added.

“I was an angry teenager, what did you expect?”

That made his mouth lift a little.

Your phone rang out from inside your bag, and you gave Bucky an apologetic look before reaching for it. “It’s my friend Darcy, I’m sorry.”

“No problem. I don’t want to be on her bad side again.”

You laughed, then hit answer. “Yes, Darcy?”

“Where the hell are you right now?”

“I had some car trouble. The check engine light was on and-“

“Are you with Bucky right now?”

“I can hear her, that’s how loud she is,” Bucky mentioned, crossing his arms over his chest. He looked amused.

Those damn giant muscles of his distracted you from answering her for a second. “Yes, Darcy. Bucky owns a garage, remember? And no, there aren’t any others nearby. This town is lucky to have even one.”

“Are you about done then? You ditched me all day. We should go back to Steve’s!”

“That’s a great idea,” Bucky agreed, turning to grab his jacket. “Let’s do that.”

“I hate you,” you hissed to Darcy. “Why did you suggest this?”

“Because it was super fun, and there’s nowhere else to go, and you need to relax, peaches.”  She wiggled her eyebrows at you. “And I wanted to remind you that we’re leaving soon. I don’t think that it’s a wise idea to….you know.”

“No!” You made a face at her. “I don’t know.”

“Yes, you do!” Darcy nudged your arm then lifted her chin slightly in Bucky’s direction. “Don’t do that.”

“I’m not going to do anything,” you muttered, taking a sip from your drink. “Or anyone.”

“Okay.” Her tone was sarcastic. “Keep telling yourself that.”

“Okay, well, Steve’s married, so don’t even with him!”

She turned to you, looking offended. “I have not even remotely talked to him yet tonight, thank you very much!” Her eyes flitted to a different guy sitting about three tables over. “That’s the guy I want!”

You squinted, hoping that your eyes were seeing things because of the few drops of alcohol in your system. “You want Ian? Ian Boothby?”

“What’s wrong? He’s cute! And he has an accent!”

“He’s the exchange student from my class, the mean kids called him Toothy Boothby!”

“Whatever, he’s cute, and he has an accent,” she reiterated.

“He never went home? That’s really weird,” you mused, looking up as Steve came back to the table with a beer in his hand. “Steve, why is Ian still here?”

“He got an internship with Sam,” he replied, shrugging one shoulder. “It progressed into a paralegal job. The kid wants to go to law school.”

“And he decided to stay here?”

“Not everyone wants to run for the hills, Y/N.” Steve gave you a knowing look. “Speaking of that, weren’t you leaving today?”

“Slight change of plans,” Darcy answered for you, standing up. “I’ll be right back.”

“Oh god, she’s gonna try to hook up with him,” you groaned, smacking your forehead. “I guess I should get comfortable, she won’t be back anytime soon.”

“Knowing Ian, she’ll be back in three minutes or less,” Steve quipped, taking a sip of his beer.

You laughed, right up until Bucky walked over to the table, looking like he was up to no good.

Steve took one look at his friend, then made an excuse to beeline for the bar with a wink in your direction.

“Chasing everyone away again, Y/N?” Bucky asked, his eyes twinkling. He clearly knocked a couple back tonight.

“I think that last one was your fault, Barnes.”

“Maybe. I guess I’ve got the experience.” He looked down at the table.

Shit.

Why couldn’t you just enjoy this time before you went home? You weren’t coming back here, ever. You needed the closure…it was so close you could feel it.

“We both know you didn’t chase me away, Bucky.”

“Didn’t I?” He looked back up at you, the twinkle in his eyes all but gone. “I bought the garage, I- I didn’t include you in anything. I just assumed…”

“And I panicked,” you countered. “I didn’t think about how expensive it could be to get a place in New York for the both of us. I instantly thought of the garage as a chain holding me here.”

These new revelations, ones neither of you had confessed to each other before, were causing the tension from earlier to return.

“We just need to forgive each other,” you told him, setting your drink down. “We need to let go of the hurt.”

“I know.” Bucky sighed, then looked over his shoulder. “Hang on a second. I have an idea.”

“What?” You looked at him in confusion as he got up from the table. “Where are you going?”

“Hang on!”

Bucky weaved his way around the tables over to the jukebox on the side of the wall. You watched as he reached into his pocket and pulled out some money, then tapped the screen until he found what he was looking for.

The first notes of the song he used to play for you at the garage rang out over the speakers.

You suddenly found it very hard to breathe.

Bucky was back in front of you, holding a hand out to you. “May I have this dance?”

“Bucky, no one’s dancing!”

He reached for your hand anyway, pulling you up out of your seat to the corner by the music. Your face was heating up; how goddamn embarrassing was this trip for you so far, really?

And what a difference one night made with your ex-boyfriend. He went from raging and ready-to-bolt, to wrapping an arm around your waist and holding you close.

“Darcy’s dancing,” Bucky laughed, nodding at your best friend.  He spun you around so you could see her forcing Ian to hold her just as close.

More couples joined in, and suddenly you didn’t feel so stupid. You turned back to Bucky in amazement.

The sparkle was back in his blue eyes.

“I’ve got so much honey the bees envy me,” Bucky murmured to you, holding your hand tightly in his as he swayed with you. “I’ve got a sweeter song than the birds in the trees.”

“Yeah, you’re a regular Sinatra,” you told him, grinning to try to hide your rising anxiety. “Exactly how many beers did you have? You know that evoking memories isn’t the best way for us to move on, right?”

This song, it was special, he shouldn’t be playing it now.

He shouldn’t be bringing something like this up on a day like today, after you both argued earlier.

He shouldn’t be singing to you and holding you this close after years apart, years of not speaking to each other.

He shouldn’t-

Bucky ignored you and continued to sing softly, clearly not sensing your distress. “Well, I guess you’d say what can make me feel this way?”

“I have to go,” you announced, pulling away from him before he could protest. “Thank you for the dance, and for saving me and my car earlier. I’m sorry. I have to go.”

It was just too much, too soon. You weren’t in high school anymore. So much time had passed, so many things had happened to change you both. You weren’t even sure you knew him that well anymore.

You had to let go.

As you hurried over to the table to grab your bag, you left Darcy to hitch a ride back with Ian. She’d forgive you tomorrow.  Steve, too. Maybe Bucky would too, someday.

You bolted out the front door and to the rental car, not bothering to say goodbye to anyone else.

So you ended up back at the house. Of course you did.

It was time to read that goddamn letter.

Maybe then you’d have a little more ammunition for your ‘leave this town and never come back’ campaign.

It was eerie to be back there at night, with everything silent except empty rooms echoing your footsteps. You used your phone to light the way up the stairs and into your bedroom, where you still had a lot of work to do. With the flip of a switch, your room was illuminated, and your eyes did another quick once-over.

Your old bed, for one, would need to be donated. The mattress was probably headed for the dumpster, just because it was old, but the frame was still good. All your furniture was going to be donated, too. It was mismatched, but you were sure it would be of use to someone eventually.

The box of mementos was still sitting where you left it, as was the letter.

You reached for both, setting the box next to you as you sat cross-legged on the bed.

The pictures could wait for now. You wanted to see what he had to say the day of your graduation…the day everything changed for both of you.

You tore open the envelope as carefully as possible, finding a store-bought card tucked inside. The front cover was a graduation cap with the word ‘Congratulations!’ over it. On the inside, there was a neatly folded piece of paper. The card itself just had a generic greeting with Bucky’s named scribbled at the bottom.

The letter, though…

Your hands were trembling slightly as you unfolded it bit by bit. It was an entire page of his sloppy handwriting, signed once again by his name with a smiley face next to it.

Y/N,

I’m sure by now you’ve heard it a hundred times, but congratulations on graduating! I’m so damn proud of you. I always knew you were the best and brightest in this whole town.

I know things have been weird lately, but that’s because I’ve been planning to make a future for us. I hope you don’t mind, I wanted it to be a surprise, and I figured any plan was better than no plan.

My uncle wants to retire and sell his garage. He asked me if I wanted it, and after a long time thinking about it, thinking about us, I said that I did. I’ve saved up enough money to put a down payment on it. The rest I’ve worked out in a loan, which has such a low finance rate I’ll pay it off in a year, or maybe less if I work really hard.

We can use the money I make from this to have a good life. Maybe if it does well, I can sell it for profit, and we can take off for good. It’s what I stuck around for, right?

I know it’s a lot to ask of you to stick around a while longer, but if you’re willing, I’ll give you the whole world.  I love you so much, and I can’t wait to start our lives together.

What do you say, Doll?

Yours,

Bucky

You could hardly fight the tears streaming down your cheeks.

He had wanted you. He wanted a future with you.

But he never asked you.

You never told him your vision of the future, either.

This is why teenagers shouldn’t be allowed to make these kinds of decisions on an emotional whim.

You were hurt, humiliated, and so, so exhausted. You fell asleep there, alone in your old room surrounded by all the things you tried to forget, clutching Bucky’s letter to your chest.

Part:  1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6

Thank you to Bella, Becca, and Rochelle for all your help!

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[inhalareexhalare]

Identity is Relative

Hey, check this out. Nah nothing out of the ordinary has been happening. I get sad sometimes, I embrace it and deal with it, I pick myself up, I study, I write more rhythmic poetry, I talk to people, I have fun conversations, I have failures, I rest at night, I am hyped with my personal fashion, my love life is getting more colors, peak is busy. I don’t get pissed anymore, just the natural sadness. I just wanted to document this since it’s one of the most important hints to my tendencies.

My conversation with Karu hahah:

Lobo:  

tee hee

Karu:  

Hi

I think ur cute

Lobo:

fdnbgdkf

Karu:

Would you mind going out with me for lunch or dinner some time?

I know a few deliciously cheap places hahaha

Lobo:

dinnah!!!!!!!! of course! Whenever ya and i ar fri kfdgndfjkd

Karu:

Yeah! Maybe we can get to know each other :) I think you're a really cool person

Lobo:

....

who're you? =__=

Karu:

We'll get dinner and see where it goes, yeah? :D

Lobo:

O.o ?! why does this sound so weird

Karu:

Kunyari nilalandi kita haha [Pretending to flirt with you haha]

Lobo:

kadiiiriiiii [diiiisuuustiiiiing]

Karu:

HAHAHAHA wow sir

Lobo:

HAHAHAHHA well you obviously aren't but the words take me away but to the garbage bin HAHAH jk

paranoid fucker haha

Karu:

WOW

Lobo:

HAHAHAHA

di lang ako sanay maybe? :((((i dunno would you have talked like that?

[i’m just not used to that maybe?]

Karu:

At least hindi sa Sogo pupunta diba? [At least it’s not headed to SOGO hotel, right?]

I would've to basically most other girls hahaha [as response to “would you have talked that way”]

Lobo:

HAHAHAHHA WHAT IF I PREFERRED THAT jk [I meant SOGO]

Karu:

This is the part you skipped actually [meaning this flirting/courting thing]

Lobo:

HAHAHAHHAHA I CANT TELL IF I MISSED OUT OR IF IM LUCKY

ill never know now

I'm too used to us being rabbits on each other and i like it

Karu:

HAHAHAHA

We'll never know lol

Lobo:

hahahahahahah XDDDDD

though, if it's introductory, that approach seems reasonable enough

Karu:

I used to do cheesy stuff like play violin and stuff

Lobo:

HAHAHAHHAH OH NO

I feel like id get more paranoid like that. Like maybe im hoping for too much and ill end up walking away like i did cedric

Karu:

I guess now it's flute, but whatever hahaha

Ay hassle boss [meaning, the situation with cedric before sounds like a pain]

Lobo:

FLOOT

HAHAHAHHAHA

I dunno hahaha a simple "it's not like we're getting married" joke instantly turned me off. I never felt butterflies again

Karu:

Well, that's not really that simple a joke, is it?

Lobo:

hahaha well it did imply some things, even as a joke XD it has a taste so bad i had my tongue cut off every time we met after that (being cold was my only way left to tell him im done :<<< i wish i knew more ways to do eet)

Karu:

That's pretty harsh lol

Lobo:

Lobo is sowwy :((( I never hated him though. I just didn't want someone as cool as him going around with such half-assed feelings. I hoped to end it properly and quickly

  Karu:

Quickly: check

Properly: x

Lobo:

Hahahahha that's a flattering checklist

How would you do it? :)

I guess I should've talked to him about it, but yea poor comm skills

Karu:

The same way until I start believing that I've always hated the person HAHAHA

Though I guess I would've mustered up the courage to face the person. I dunno

Lobo:

HAHAHHAHAHUHU Why

Karu:

I usually do, but it always feels like I can't while it's happening hahaha

Lobo:

Habits can make or break us, huh :)

Karu:

I guess it's just like jumping off a cliff into the sea. You sorta just do it

Like the moment you're about to shit your pants in fear, you push it back in and clench everything and just fucking jump

Lobo:

Yeah

Problem is, that idea didn't even cross my mind

I didn't think of verbal communication as an important aspect of life then, and I had zero motivation to consider it 

Karu:

Well hahahaha

Lobo:

I'm glad to be finally interested now.  It seems that I have more nerve than most people to say my mind so this motivation is finally able to exploit that

Karu:

Nice! Gonna be good friends with people! And then gonna live like hermits

But we'll keep a phone that we'll check once a day or something

For Peak stuff hahaha

Or not. Has to halp people

Just gonna disappear for a couple of years

Lobo:

HAHAHAH weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

2019-03-13 10:02 Philippines Wednesday

I now know why Ms. Dianne is so easy to talk to and there is rarely dead air with her. She doesn’t just give you stories. She gives you her sense of wonder and excitement and humor in life. 

She can never run out of stories or topics, just because she naturally can’t. The world is too big and too wonderful, and her heart too honest to hold anything back.

(PS I’m getting along better with Ms. Len, Charles, and even aggressive Ms. G now heehee)

2019-03-13 12:07 Philippines Wednesday

.

.

.

.

I never realized that I could express myself through clothing. I never realized that I was capable of using speech to, again, express myself. 

Living alone, I am completely flatly practical when it came to clothing and other habits. But socializing gives me new perspectives. It gives me reason to not be pressured, but rather, feel an innate excitement to express something from out of me. To communicate many things I love.

I was so used to a certain way of living that I just never knew I could express myself in many other ways.

Expression.

Identity truly is just relative.

2019-03-13 16:10 Philippines Wednesday

[skinflesh97-blog]

Coping

Road trip prep. Kids, you're in charge of  the cookies.

My alarm went off at 4:00am—an abrupt wakeup after finally finishing packing just three hours earlier. I snoozed it once…..ok, twice, and then we shoved the kids (still half asleep) into what little space was left in the loaded car, and headed west. It was a lonnnnnnng drive across Nevada—driving into the wind the entire way, dust blowing onto our roadside break of turkey and cheese. 

Thanks to the Internet and a few pointers from friends, we had a couple “ideas” where we may want to set up camp for the next four nights-we are not usually great at making FIRM plans….we are more “general idea” kind of people. You could say we are almost always winging it.  We headed down a 10 mile dirt road towards what we knew would be THE. MOST. AMAZING. campsite ever—in the trees, right on the lake, perfect. We were tired, hungry, and ready to get settled. Last fall we bought a little pop-up trailer—we figured as often as we camp, it would be nice to get out of the elements occasionally. We have loved it so far—we are always able to find secluded places to park it off the beaten path and keep away from crowds; we had planned on this time being the same.

We could faintly see the clear blue water through the trees, and were relieved and happy to have finally arrived after a full day in the car. But then we pulled up and saw what seemed to be a “local’s only” party….and we were definitely not invited. A few cars and tents scattered around near the water’s edge—no room at the inn—and here’s the kicker, the only place to turn around was occupied by several cars. And we were pulling a trailer. Whoops. 

Robby handles these situations much better than I do—we slowly drove through—every head turned. He laughed and waved like we were in a parade “we’re from out of town. Obviously. We didn’t know this place was so popular”. I sat in the passenger seat sweating and sinking lower and lower in my seat, wondering how we were ever going to get out of this place with nowhere to turn around. We inched our way through the trees—Robby maneuvering our set up  (that all the sudden seemed like a TRAIN in such tight quarters) and finally managed our way out, using a 57 point turn. We peeled out and kicked up dust as we sped away—except totally opposite of that, because the trailer only allows us to go so fast—and laughed all the way back out to the main road. At least we gave the locals a good laugh, right!? We didn’t want to take our chance down anymore unknown roads, so we put our tail between our legs and headed towards a campground.

California!

We got camp set up around ten—it was 45* in Lassen, and we were still in flip flops and shorts and really too exhausted to do anything but crawl into bed and crash. So we chose sleep over dinner and called it a day. 

We took our time waking up the next morning, ate eggs and bacon until we couldn’t eat another bite, and loaded up our packs to head out.. We spent the next three days hiking, paddling, fishing, exploring volcanoes, and completely disconnecting from the outside world. No phone service, no work, no emails to respond to, no worries really—except how stinky our armpits were and how tangled our hair was getting--it was truly the best.

We always manage to find winter in summer.

As we packed up one evening after a day on the lake—fitting kayaks, fishing gear, granola bar wrappers and tired kids into the car, an older gentleman came over—he and his wife were from Los Angeles and driving through the area. He struck up a conversation about our day. “How was the lake? (perfect. empty.) How was the fishing? (more fishing, less catching.)”, and what really struck me, “and your kids LIKE this stuff? How do you make them do all this? How do they cope without their Playstation?” 

“Well…..this is kinda...what we DO. They like to play outside—we actually go camping all the time”. 

“You mean, you just go out into the woods?” 

“yep”………….. 

If we were living in a cartoon world his eyes would have popped out of his head and his jaw would have hit the ground. 

“Huh.”

end scene.

we had the lake to ourselves.

This conversation really got me thinking. As I type this, we are driving back after eight days on the road. We are exhausted—both physically and mentally, tired of camp food, and absolutely filthy—our best “shower” was soaping* up in a river, hoping the icy cold current would rinse away some of the grime. I miss my animals and my garden, yet  I’d happily continue on down the road—I am happiest when I’m out exploring somewhere new. It’s who we are, it’s what we do, and it’s PART of the reason my kids can “cope without their Playstation” (which by the way, we didn’t tell the guy we didn’t even have one.) 

But, it’s only part of the reason—I realize that our particular lifestyle is not for everyone, and that’s ok. But there ARE other ways to keep kids from being completely dependent on screens, gadgets, gizmos, and the need for constant stimulation and entertainment.  Here are a few of my ideas: (I'm not saying this is the only way to parent, it just seems to work for us:)

Don’t buy them screens/gadgets/gizmos/etc. Hey that’s easy—and cheap! My kids are not this special breed of children who have no desire to glue their faces to something plugged in. But it’s a lot harder to do when they don’t have access to it. They don’t have their own phone or ipad, and we have an old xbox with 4 games that they can earn time for on weekends after all their chores are done--it's GREAT bribery!  (ps. I think Minecraft is a GREAT game! So much creativity to unleash!) Do they ask for all the above mentioned stuff? Do they say “but alllllllllllll my friends have ______” They DO! And guess what I say? “I don't care!" And occasionally I like to throw in things like "because I'm the mom and I say so", and then I feel super legit. I realize that as my kids get older, this one is unavoidable, so we will:

Set limits. Maybe you are a cooler parent than me and your kids have a gadget or two. Great! But they don't need to have it in hand alllllllll the time. I started an Instagram account so my kiddos could post the pictures they take and share them with cousins and grandmas and grandpas (and mostly so we could print more Chatbooks!) I log them in so they can post a few photos, we look (together) at what's going on with our cousins, and then I log them out--no time wasted mindlessly scrolling, and no wondering what garbage they saw on Instagram. But they feel connected to their cousins who live far away--win win! When they want to use the computer they have to ask--I want to know what they'll be doing. 

Have other options. As much as I wish we could--we can't spend 100% of our time outside. We are a movie loving family and movie nights are our favorite, but I hate the tv always being on--it's such an easy "out". We've had a scorcher of a summer, and some afternoons we have to hide out in the house to beat the heat, but we are making sure to do lots of reading, writing, and artwork instead of letting the tv constantly entertain us. 

Don't start them so young! I will probably ruffle so many feathers by saying this, but I honestly can't believe how many babies and toddlers I see with a screen in their hand--the grocery store, church, restaurants--everywhere. I somehow raised my babies without a screen in hand (they weren't even invented yet.) And when I say that, it sounds like I raised my babies in the 1800s and just let them play with tumbleweeds, but really it was just a few years ago, I promise. Was it hard to go to Target with a 4 year old and 2 year old? OH MY GOSH IT WAS THE WORST! But did I somehow manage without attaching them to a glowing screen? I DID! And there were a fair share of public meltdowns, tantrums, whining, complaining--because guess what, they are KIDS, and that's what kids do. But if we stick an iPad in their face (and pretend to be ok with it because it's "educational"), just so we can have a peaceful grocery store experience, how can we expect them to learn to function in real life without that constant stimulation? (I ran out of breath reading that last sentence, did you?) 

I am absolutely not a perfect parent, and I pray every day that I'm not screwing these kiddos up too badly.  But I do work ridiculously hard to make sure my kids get dirty, breathe fresh air, do chores, don't rely on screens for constant stimulation, know how to be creative, have original thoughts, and entertain themselves. I would love to hear YOUR ideas on how to better keep kids connected to the real world, and not rely too much on electronic interaction. 

They seem to be coping just fine.

*I mentioned we soaped up in the river--it was the BEST, and I recommend it (but watch out for people coming down the hill--you'll have to run for cover in your skivvies). We use THESE SOAPS  --they are biodegradable and don't mess up the water and vegetation :) **I also mentioned Chatbooks! Do you get these? It's a subscription that I use through my Instagram (you can also create books without IG, but it's so easy and brainless to do it how I do). Every 60 photos I post it sends me a notification that my book is ready--then I can edit captions, take out photos, or do NOTHING, and it will send my photo book automatically--each book costs $8. We LOVE them, and look through them so often (we've been getting them for the last 2 years)--they are great little scrapbooks. If you aren't yet using Chatbooks, go sign up and use the code SHEENA to get 20% off your order now through the end of the month.

SaveSave SaveSave SaveSave

Source: http://inthelittleredhouse.blogspot.com/2016/07/coping.html

[nickelnumber91-blog]

Coping

Road trip prep. Kids, you're in charge of  the cookies.

My alarm went off at 4:00am—an abrupt wakeup after finally finishing packing just three hours earlier. I snoozed it once…..ok, twice, and then we shoved the kids (still half asleep) into what little space was left in the loaded car, and headed west. It was a lonnnnnnng drive across Nevada—driving into the wind the entire way, dust blowing onto our roadside break of turkey and cheese. 

Thanks to the Internet and a few pointers from friends, we had a couple “ideas” where we may want to set up camp for the next four nights-we are not usually great at making FIRM plans….we are more “general idea” kind of people. You could say we are almost always winging it.  We headed down a 10 mile dirt road towards what we knew would be THE. MOST. AMAZING. campsite ever—in the trees, right on the lake, perfect. We were tired, hungry, and ready to get settled. Last fall we bought a little pop-up trailer—we figured as often as we camp, it would be nice to get out of the elements occasionally. We have loved it so far—we are always able to find secluded places to park it off the beaten path and keep away from crowds; we had planned on this time being the same.

We could faintly see the clear blue water through the trees, and were relieved and happy to have finally arrived after a full day in the car. But then we pulled up and saw what seemed to be a “local’s only” party….and we were definitely not invited. A few cars and tents scattered around near the water’s edge—no room at the inn—and here’s the kicker, the only place to turn around was occupied by several cars. And we were pulling a trailer. Whoops. 

Robby handles these situations much better than I do—we slowly drove through—every head turned. He laughed and waved like we were in a parade “we’re from out of town. Obviously. We didn’t know this place was so popular”. I sat in the passenger seat sweating and sinking lower and lower in my seat, wondering how we were ever going to get out of this place with nowhere to turn around. We inched our way through the trees—Robby maneuvering our set up  (that all the sudden seemed like a TRAIN in such tight quarters) and finally managed our way out, using a 57 point turn. We peeled out and kicked up dust as we sped away—except totally opposite of that, because the trailer only allows us to go so fast—and laughed all the way back out to the main road. At least we gave the locals a good laugh, right!? We didn’t want to take our chance down anymore unknown roads, so we put our tail between our legs and headed towards a campground.

California!

We got camp set up around ten—it was 45* in Lassen, and we were still in flip flops and shorts and really too exhausted to do anything but crawl into bed and crash. So we chose sleep over dinner and called it a day. 

We took our time waking up the next morning, ate eggs and bacon until we couldn’t eat another bite, and loaded up our packs to head out.. We spent the next three days hiking, paddling, fishing, exploring volcanoes, and completely disconnecting from the outside world. No phone service, no work, no emails to respond to, no worries really—except how stinky our armpits were and how tangled our hair was getting--it was truly the best.

We always manage to find winter in summer.

As we packed up one evening after a day on the lake—fitting kayaks, fishing gear, granola bar wrappers and tired kids into the car, an older gentleman came over—he and his wife were from Los Angeles and driving through the area. He struck up a conversation about our day. “How was the lake? (perfect. empty.) How was the fishing? (more fishing, less catching.)”, and what really struck me, “and your kids LIKE this stuff? How do you make them do all this? How do they cope without their Playstation?” 

“Well…..this is kinda...what we DO. They like to play outside—we actually go camping all the time”. 

“You mean, you just go out into the woods?” 

“yep”………….. 

If we were living in a cartoon world his eyes would have popped out of his head and his jaw would have hit the ground. 

“Huh.”

end scene.

we had the lake to ourselves.

This conversation really got me thinking. As I type this, we are driving back after eight days on the road. We are exhausted—both physically and mentally, tired of camp food, and absolutely filthy—our best “shower” was soaping* up in a river, hoping the icy cold current would rinse away some of the grime. I miss my animals and my garden, yet  I’d happily continue on down the road—I am happiest when I’m out exploring somewhere new. It’s who we are, it’s what we do, and it’s PART of the reason my kids can “cope without their Playstation” (which by the way, we didn’t tell the guy we didn’t even have one.) 

But, it’s only part of the reason—I realize that our particular lifestyle is not for everyone, and that’s ok. But there ARE other ways to keep kids from being completely dependent on screens, gadgets, gizmos, and the need for constant stimulation and entertainment.  Here are a few of my ideas: (I'm not saying this is the only way to parent, it just seems to work for us:)

Don’t buy them screens/gadgets/gizmos/etc. Hey that’s easy—and cheap! My kids are not this special breed of children who have no desire to glue their faces to something plugged in. But it’s a lot harder to do when they don’t have access to it. They don’t have their own phone or ipad, and we have an old xbox with 4 games that they can earn time for on weekends after all their chores are done--it's GREAT bribery!  (ps. I think Minecraft is a GREAT game! So much creativity to unleash!) Do they ask for all the above mentioned stuff? Do they say “but alllllllllllll my friends have ______” They DO! And guess what I say? “I don't care!" And occasionally I like to throw in things like "because I'm the mom and I say so", and then I feel super legit. I realize that as my kids get older, this one is unavoidable, so we will:

Set limits. Maybe you are a cooler parent than me and your kids have a gadget or two. Great! But they don't need to have it in hand alllllllll the time. I started an Instagram account so my kiddos could post the pictures they take and share them with cousins and grandmas and grandpas (and mostly so we could print more Chatbooks!) I log them in so they can post a few photos, we look (together) at what's going on with our cousins, and then I log them out--no time wasted mindlessly scrolling, and no wondering what garbage they saw on Instagram. But they feel connected to their cousins who live far away--win win! When they want to use the computer they have to ask--I want to know what they'll be doing. 

Have other options. As much as I wish we could--we can't spend 100% of our time outside. We are a movie loving family and movie nights are our favorite, but I hate the tv always being on--it's such an easy "out". We've had a scorcher of a summer, and some afternoons we have to hide out in the house to beat the heat, but we are making sure to do lots of reading, writing, and artwork instead of letting the tv constantly entertain us. 

Don't start them so young! I will probably ruffle so many feathers by saying this, but I honestly can't believe how many babies and toddlers I see with a screen in their hand--the grocery store, church, restaurants--everywhere. I somehow raised my babies without a screen in hand (they weren't even invented yet.) And when I say that, it sounds like I raised my babies in the 1800s and just let them play with tumbleweeds, but really it was just a few years ago, I promise. Was it hard to go to Target with a 4 year old and 2 year old? OH MY GOSH IT WAS THE WORST! But did I somehow manage without attaching them to a glowing screen? I DID! And there were a fair share of public meltdowns, tantrums, whining, complaining--because guess what, they are KIDS, and that's what kids do. But if we stick an iPad in their face (and pretend to be ok with it because it's "educational"), just so we can have a peaceful grocery store experience, how can we expect them to learn to function in real life without that constant stimulation? (I ran out of breath reading that last sentence, did you?) 

I am absolutely not a perfect parent, and I pray every day that I'm not screwing these kiddos up too badly.  But I do work ridiculously hard to make sure my kids get dirty, breathe fresh air, do chores, don't rely on screens for constant stimulation, know how to be creative, have original thoughts, and entertain themselves. I would love to hear YOUR ideas on how to better keep kids connected to the real world, and not rely too much on electronic interaction. 

They seem to be coping just fine.

*I mentioned we soaped up in the river--it was the BEST, and I recommend it (but watch out for people coming down the hill--you'll have to run for cover in your skivvies). We use THESE SOAPS  --they are biodegradable and don't mess up the water and vegetation :) **I also mentioned Chatbooks! Do you get these? It's a subscription that I use through my Instagram (you can also create books without IG, but it's so easy and brainless to do it how I do). Every 60 photos I post it sends me a notification that my book is ready--then I can edit captions, take out photos, or do NOTHING, and it will send my photo book automatically--each book costs $8. We LOVE them, and look through them so often (we've been getting them for the last 2 years)--they are great little scrapbooks. If you aren't yet using Chatbooks, go sign up and use the code SHEENA to get 20% off your order now through the end of the month.

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Source: http://inthelittleredhouse.blogspot.com/2016/07/coping.html

[mindsetstudies]

We’ve all been there, where we’re coming home from work and as you walk into your home, notice that it’s just a little dirty. Suddenly you’re on edge and just a little heated at the dirty house. Even though you’re the one that made the mess, but the dirty place is affecting your mood now. I know I’ve been there too many times to count. As you throw your work items on the floor you stomp into the dirty house and start cleaning. With each huff and puff you feel that adrenaline seep out and you’re losing all that burst of energy. Yup, I hate that feeling. Soon it’s midnight and you haven’t even touched your evening routine, or even eaten. And once again you find yourself on edge and read for the day to be over. That’s not one way to end a day, that’s for sure.

I was browsing my WordPress reader the other day, and saw that @discoveringyourhappiness had wrote a beautiful and VERY inspiring post about Creating a Peaceful Bedroom. The more I read, the more I noticed that my room was VERY clutter-y and overall, stifling. As time went on, I never wanted to be in my room and I always felt dirty- even though my room was clean. And most importantly, I always felt like I had to clean before I went to sleep. Even though my room was already clean. Needless to say, I was constantly frustrated and I didn’t know why. Until I read Anita’s post. (I encourage you to read it before you continue on with my post! )

Anita wrote how having a minimalist room is just another key to being calm and relaxed. She continued to write how she only had what she needed, kept her electronics out of the room and opened her window to help circulate air! (She went on to wrote about other thins as well.) However, all of these spoke out to me, because believe it or not, these are things we take for granted. We don’t think twice about any of these issues and they are so important with anyone, not just those with a mental health disorder. So I’m going to break down my favorite points that she mentioned and learned from!

  Number one, clutter. I have a TON of decorative items, plushies, and all around junk that I honestly don’t need. These items I bought in the moment because they really made me happy. Some are souvenirs, some are gifts, and some are just things that.. like I said I don’t need. I should mention now, I have a VERY tiny room with furniture that is just too big.

These area’s are what drove me nuts all the time. In the second photo, there was a 3 drawer where the laundry basket was, and the laundry basket was next to it. I didn’t take a “before photo” sadly. These photos where right after I rearranged everything, and was still in my “dirty before clean” phase. However like I said, you can see all the “build up” and it was really making me claustrophobic. I decided to first prioritize my wardrobe. I put together one black garbage bag of cloths that didn’t fit me, and some shoes that I never wore. (I didn’t take a photo sadly, however it’s in my garage waiting for it’s drop off at my local Goodwill.) I was able to free up space in both of the dressers and I organized my boyfriends cloths in his own dresser and mine in the other. That was a huge relief honestly. I don’t know why I never did it before! (That’s him on the bed with Jaja)

Here is the closet after I separated our cloths! He gets very frustrated with the fan (I appreciate it, so I put it towards my stuff so he would stop tripping on it) which use to stand right in front of the door/closet. That’s the 3 drawer organizer I spoke about before in the closet with our bags tucked in nicely. (I still have some stuff to go through, however everything in the closer are things we use and my notebooks are just there for when I’m ready for school. All brand new items up there).

Anyways, that was the tiny rearrangement I did, and it worked out best this way because we have more of a walk way in the front of the door now! I had this bad habit of tossing everything on top of the 3 drawer organizer and just leaving it there for days and even weeks, just letting that clutter build up! Now I won’t have that problem, because all that is left is the laundry basket. I’ll have to put my items up now and not fuss about it!

  And here is my dresser and (part) of my nightstand! As you can see, I cleaned up everything that I honestly didn’t need. I have some dusting to do, and the pile of books are something I just didn’t put away yet. I feel like everything is still a work in progress but at the same time, it’s not. It’s more of a “cleaning” phase now vs a “gutting”. Just cleaning off this dresser and having a bit more room in our bedroom really helped released that tension I was talking about before! Right now, my room only has what I need, and or can’t put in another room. (Dressers, bookshelf, bed and tv)

Number two, fresh air. Anita had mentioned she opened her window to help circulate some fresh air. I’ve now picked that up and do it once a day as she does. Sometimes right when I get up, and I’ll leave the window open for a few hours. Most of the time I’m in our loft or not home, so having the fresh air circulated when I’m not in there is a good feeling. Anita also mentioned using scented oils as a refresher, which I totally agree in. Aromatherapy is a scientific thing, and it helps improve your mood! In my house we have wax melts, however since the room is so small it’s actually overpowering. A light spray of some Ferbreeze works just fine. Or candles as she also mentions. (I haven’t tried candles yet but I’m going too!!)

Overall thoughts:

Texture is something I never thought of, and honestly I’ve always wanted to do that to all the rooms in my home. Having a colorful rug makes me happy. Although as you can see from my photos, I have some stuff all over my bed that kind of helps with that. At the same time I don’t want them all on my bed, LOL! So it’s something I’m going to have to work on.

Blackout curtains are HONESTLY the best choice for any type of window. As she mentioned they not only keep in the warm/cool air it keeps it out as well. And because I live in Arizona and it’s STILL 100 degrees+ blackout curtains are something I didn’t even fathom. They are a great investment to anyone’s home.

Painting your room: I don’t own a home, but when I do or if I ever get the permission to paint it I would color my rooms something OTHER then white!

I never heard of a Wake up light or a white noise machine before. So this is something new that I learned from her. It’s something I’m still looking around for because I’m very picky in general for when I sleep and wake up. So I’ll post an update on this!

Last but not least, keeping your electronics out. This is something I’m still going to have to work on, because I have a boyfriend he likes to spend time in the room. Not only that but I grow very anxious if I don’t have my phone or tablet next to me. I’m afraid something will happen to them and they will break. (having siblings and animals everywhere is a huge scare)

All in all, her post really got me thinking AND moving. I feel as though, like I said before, that I did some sloppy work but I’m happy with it none the less. This was a HUGE success and honestly it’s changed my mood all around. I really needed it! I hope you guys learn something as well!

PS: My room is FAR from minimalist, however I hope to achieve this look over time. Releasing all this clutter and honestly tension from my home is helping me. So don’t stress if that’s your goal!! You will get their eventually!!

BONUS QUESTIONS!! 1. Is there an item in your room that you can’t part with? If so, what is it? 2. In terms of having a minimalist look, what would you give up?

Answer: I don’t think I have anything anymore that I wouldn’t be afraid to give up!! I have nothing to hold me back anymore! In terms of a minimalist look, I would eventually like to remove my: extra dresser, my TV, and my bookshelf. Simply because I could (soon) put it some place else. I honestly don’t need a TV in my room nor my bookshelf. I want to show that off! Also, I would love to clear out my closet off all my stuffed animals and stuff I don’t honestly need! (Collectibles and some old crochet items I made)

How gutting my room helped produce positive energy. We've all been there, where we're coming home from work and as you walk into your home, notice that it's just a little dirty.