#and athena just looks up and holds out a hand and says “come here buckaroo”

[whollyjoly]

manifesting may and buck talking at the hospital, in a parallel to the may and bobby conversation in 6x11:

buck, trying to keep it together: "im sorry im such a mess, you must be taking this a lot harder than i am"

may, putting a hand on his shoulder: "buck, we're both worried about our dad. it's okay"

[ravens-words]

Been a while since I participated in this, and it's been a while since I shared anything from the Buddie Zombie AU (which I started a year ago? Maybe longer? And abandoned for a long time lol). I'm trying to get back i to writing it and WIP Wed is a good way to get feedback without the pressure of posting WIPs, so here goes it!!

No one stops him from going to the isolation rooms. Walking is a bit of a struggle, but he pushes through. When he walks through the doors, he finds Athena there, crouched in front of Bobby, speaking quietly. They hear him enter, Athena immediately turning to him. Bobby is slower to react.

Buck breathes out quietly, devastation and relief mixing with bitter denial. His heart in his throat, he takes a hesitant step forward. "Sorry I- do you want me to go?"

Athena stands up, shakes her head. She leaves Bobby with a lingering kiss pressed to his head. "I'll be back soon."

Bobby looks up at her adorningly, sadness evident in his eyes. "Okay."

She walks away, steps heavy. She grabs Buck's hand, places the cloth he hadn't noticed in his hand. "Finish up for me?"

He nods shakily.

She leaves, closing the door behind her with a quiet click.

Buck stands frozen, two steps from the doorway. He can't get himself to move. Until Bobby calls his name, and he finds himself walking forward automatically.

Bobby's eyes are on him as he kneels beside him but Buck can't look at him, so he busies himself with opening the med kit, and finishing what athena had started. They don't talk, but Bobby doesn't take his eyes off him, Buck can tell, but he ignores it, focuses on cleaning the bite wound that's still sluggishly bleeding. His hands are shaking as he places guaze on it, and as he wraps it. They're still shaking when he finishes off, when he sits back on his heels, staring at the white bandages like they have the answers he's looking for.

"Buck," Bobby mutters.

Buck doesn't answer.

"Kid, will you look at me?"

Buck drags his eyes up, meeting Bobby's. There's a deep sorrow in Bobby's eyes, and Buck crumbles.

The older man sits up, draws him into his arms, and Buck finds himself unable to stop the tears from falling, sobs tearing through his throat.

Bobby's saying something, but Buck is beyond listening, drowning in his grief, and the deafening sound of his own heartbeat.

"I'm sorry, Buck," Bobby mutters into his ear, "I'm so, so sorry."

"What happened, Bobby?" he asks desperately, hands still clenched in the back of the man's shirt. "How did this happen?"

Bobby strokes the back of his head gently, waiting for him to calm down before he speaks. "Reynolds froze, I had to get him out of the way before they got to him."

Buck pulls away. "So they got to you instead," he says slowly, anger starting to simmer in his gut.

Bobby purses his lips. "Buck-"

Buck stands up, holding onto the wall for support.

"Buck-"

He shakes his head. "You said you'd be careful," he reminds him bitterly, "you said you'd be safe."

He doesn't allow him the chance to say anything else, he just stumbles out.

.

"Still mad at him?"

Buck's head shoots up from where he had it resting on his folded arms. Athena's leaning on the door, eyebrows raised. "Aren't you?"

"I am," she answers readily, "but that doesn't mean I'm leaving his side."

He looks down, ashamed, and hears her quiet footfalls coming closer. She sits down beside him.

"Buckaroo, he needs us."

"I know," he says hoarsely, "I'm gonna go back, just- not now."

"Why's that?"

"Because I'm gonna cry all over him. Again."

Athena laughs softly, and even that sounds sad. "I think he'd prefer that to the silent treatment."

Buck nods. She puts her arm around him, huls him closer. He bites his lip to keep from crying again.

.

Buck stays with Bobby for ten hours, stays with him through the headaches and the fever and the delirium. He stays until Bobby calls him Robert, and in the next moment of clarity, apologies for doing so. It's a gut punch, for multiple reasons, and

Athena tells him to take a breather, and he all but flees.

He's just stepped out of the door when he bumps into someone, "sorry- Jameson? You okay, man?"

"Hmmm," the other man hums distractedly.

Buck guides him away gently, hand on his back. "Let me take you back to your room, huh? Your mom must be worried by now."

Jameson just shrugs, allows Buck to lead him. They don't talk much, mostly because Jameson is in his head most of the time. They don't know much about the man's story, but from what Buck has gathered from conversations with the young man's mother, the woman he loved died right in front of him, and it was bad. He wasn't the same after.

"There's a cure," Jameson mutters, wringing his fingers tightly, twitching nervously.

Buck stops dead in his tracks. "What?"

"I think there's-" the young man stutters, words halting and unfamiliar on his tongue, "there's a cure."

Buck puts his hands on both the man's shoulders. "Where?"

Jameson looks away, gaze taking on a hazy quality.

Buck shakes him. "Jameson- where?"

.

"Buck-"

"I know it's crazy," he interrupts Athena, throwing shirts and weapons and anything he might need on the road in his duffel, "but I have to do this."

"Buck-"

"You're not gonna stop me, Athena-"

"Buck!"

He shuts up, finally stops moving enough to look a her. The look on her face is hard to read, but at least she's not mad at him.

"I don't think taking the word of someone who's-not all there, is the wisest thing in the world, but-" she steps closer.

"I have to try," he says softly.

"I know. Lord knows I wanna pack my things and come right along with you," she looks away, jaw working, then looks back at him, "I have to stay here with him."

"I know."

Her eyes search his face, for what he doesn't know, but she must find it because she holds his face with both her hands, tears in her eyes, and firmly says, "you come back, do you hear me, Buckaroo?"

"I'll find it. If it's out there, I'll find it."

She shakes her head. "You're not hearing me," she says firmly, "you better come back to us, with or without the cure."

He nods.

"Okay."

"Okay." He wraps his arms around her, and she holds him back just as tightly.

"Be safe, Buck."

[somebodycall911onabc]

Spoon me, you idiot

Post ep4x13 Buddie because my brain is just that episode on loop. Hands up if you're not ready for the season 4 finale, folks. Have some cuddling and love confessions in the meantime.

Buck helps Eddie over the threshold with one hand at Eddie’s elbow and the other pressed against his hip. Eddie’s fine, he’s fine, he’s alive, but he’s exhausted. Pain and shock weigh down his shoulders, make him unsteady on his feet.

Carla breathes in sharply at the sight of him. Then she’s stepping forward, folding Eddie into a soft embrace, pulling his head down cheek to cheek with hers. Buck drags his eyes away from his living, breathing, living friend to find Chris, who’s lying on the couch with his glasses askew, mouth open in sleep. Buck’s heart clenches like a fist. He’s going to remember Chris’s haunted, horrified expression for the rest of his life, the light dying in Chris’s eyes as Buck had to tell him… had to tell him that his dad wasn’t coming home that night.

Buck walks over to Chris and kneels down beside him. He’s pretty sure it’s the first time Chris has slept since he heard about it. The first time in more than 48 hours that the kid’s closed his eyes. Buck brushes the curls back from Chris’s forehead, trying to be gentle, not wanting to wake him.

Eddie gets down next to Buck, their knees pressing together. Buck feels the shudder that runs down Eddie’s spine, feels it echoed in his soul. Buck isn’t the religious type, but he feels like this is another miracle. Years after his first brush with death, Eddie coming home once again to his son.

With a hand on Chris’s shoulder, Eddie murmurs, “hey, my little Superman. Chris, I’m here.”

Chris’s eyes open slowly, reluctantly, until he sees his dad’s face and wakes up all at once.

“Dad!” Chris shouts, hands flying up to attach themselves to Eddie’s face. “Dad!”

Eddie’s smiling, huffing out laughter in pure, unadulterated joy at seeing his son’s delighted expression. Chris is grinning and whooping, falling forward to curl himself into his dad’s chest. Eddie lifts one arm to hold Chris close and buries his face in Chris’s hair.

Buck blinks back tears, feeling relief crash over him. He rubs his eyes and starts to get to his feet, wanting to give the Diaz boys some space, until he feels a tug on his shirt. Eddie’s hand twists in the fabric. He’s not even looking at Buck, head tucked against the curve of Chris’s skull. Buck sinks back down and tentatively puts his arms around the both of them, Chris’s knobbly spine and Eddie’s strong back, his cheek brushing Eddie’s forehead. Buck lets out a breath that trembles like an earthquake.

It feels like home. It feels impossible. It’s what he’s always wanted. It feels like something Buck isn’t allowed to have.

When they finally let go of each other, what could be a minute or a year later, Buck notices Carla standing at the end of the couch. She’s smiling fondly at all of them, and Buck realizes abruptly that this is the first time he’s seen her since the pandemic started. He gets up—although it’d be more fair to say he tears himself away—and moves toward her, and there’s always been something magic about Carla because she takes one look at him and she knows.

“I missed you,” Buck says, his nose smashed into her chin. She’s hugging him like she’s trying to pack Buck down tight and snug him into a little box where she can keep him safe. Or maybe that’s just Buck’s wishful thinking. He’s so goddamn tired.

“I missed you too, Buckaroo,” Carla says, pressing a kiss to the top of his head. Buck swallows the lump in his throat her tenderness causes.

She pulls away and very gently pats his cheek, looking Buck in the eye. “He needs you, you hear?” She whispers, holding that eye contact like she’s bet money on a staring competition. “Take care of each other.”

Buck can only nod.

She lets go of him and Buck shakes himself into standing straight, even though he’d much rather crumple to the floor. But he needs to get Eddie and Chris to bed, he needs to figure out what’s still edible in the kitchen and take out the trash, he needs to call the pharmacy for Eddie’s meds and the station for Eddie’s med leave, he needs to—

“Alright boys, get some rest.” Buck blinks and Carla comes back into focus. She’s addressing all of them, voice firm. “I’ll be here bright and early tomorrow to help out.”

“Thank you, Carla,” Eddie says.

“No need for that.” She bends down to give Eddie a quick hug, and Buck hears her tell him, “just try not to get on the bad side of any more sniper-rifle-wielding nut jobs, alright?”

Eddie’s reply is somewhere between a laugh and a choked-back sob.

Buck walks Carla to the door. Before she leaves, she looks at him, sharp-eyed and commanding again. “You call me if you need anything. Anything. You look just as bad as he does.”

“I’ll be fine. Thanks, Carla.”

She narrows her eyes at him, but this is what Buck has always been best at. He wades through the hurt and the pain and just keeps going. He gives her a tight smile, reminds himself that he wasn’t the one shot (no, just the one sprayed with Eddie’s blood, he can still feel it on his skin, still taste it on his lips), and closes the door behind her.

Getting Chris and Eddie to bed is easy. Buck lifts Chris up, carries him to Eddie’s room, and pulls the covers over both the Diaz boys. Eddie tries to catch Buck’s eye while Buck leaves the room, but if Buck stops moving then he’s not sure when or if he’ll start again. Buck pulls the bedroom door most of the way closed, leaving a tiny crack in case Eddie or Chris need him in the night.

In the kitchen, the clock on the stove informs him that it’s just past 9 pm. It’s jarringly early. It feels like time doesn’t really exist, that he’s been moving in a place defined by the hours since Eddie dropped, the hours since Eddie went into surgery, the hours since Eddie woke up.

Buck opens the fridge and looks into it without seeing anything, like when you’re reading only to realize that three pages have gone by without you remembering a single word. He closes the fridge door and opens it again, and oh, there’s the carton of milk and bottle of ketchup on the top shelf, the egg carton down to its last egg, a container of left-over fried rice from… was it yesterday? Buck folds back the top flap and sniffs it, decides it will be fine for one of the boys to eat when they get up.

He closes the fridge and investigates the pantry next. Two boxes of spaghetti, a can of beans, three cans of chicken noodle soup, an unopened bag of quinoa that is probably the result of Ana because Buck’s not sure Eddie has ever heard of quinoa—like he’s taking inventory of the truck. Thermal blankets, C-spine collar kit, 3L of sterile water, 3L sodium chloride, hug-a-bear. The 118 has a blue elephant courtesy of Athena. Buck could honestly really use it right now.

Buck runs a hand through his hair and pulls out his phone, planning to make a grocery list. He sees two missed calls from Bobby and eight from Maddie. One from Chim. Hen texted him at 4pm: How you holding up?

Buck very slowly puts the phone down.

He takes a step back and grips the edge of the kitchen counter. Breathe, Buck, he thinks. Just breathe.

His vision is spotty when he opens his eyes, like he’d shut them too tight. He doesn’t remember shutting them. It doesn’t matter. Buck finds a scrap of paper in the recycling bin and a pen from the junk drawer and writes a list. It’s late, so he’ll go to the grocery store in the morning, early, make sure breakfast is on the table for when Eddie and Chris get up. Oh fuck, does he have a shift tomorrow? What day is it?

Buck puts down the pen and presses the heels of his palms to his eyes. He can’t do this. He can’t stand here and pretend like he can take care of Eddie because he can’t stop seeing Eddie die. It’s in the back of his head every moment, it’s what he sees every time he closes his eyes, it’s the memory rewritten by his cells as they multiply and decay, it’s in his fucking genome now or whatever they call it—

it’s in the air he breathes, the reminder that for a moment that lasted an eternity, Eddie’s heart had stopped beating.

It’s a loud silence. Deafening.

Buck thinks, take a breath before you pass out, idiot.

Buck thinks, get a glass of water and pull yourself together.

Buck thinks, your best friend just got shot, you don’t have time for this bullshit.

Buck peels his hands away from the counter slowly, carefully, like if he makes one wrong move he’ll come away with flayed palms. He pours himself a glass of water and makes himself drink the whole thing. He picks up the list he wrote and reads it over and over and over. He thinks: what do I know is true? I’m standing in Eddie’s kitchen. I’m alive. Eddie is alive. And: I should get carrots.

Buck hiccups. Carrots—fucking—

No. Get it together. DAMN IT, Buck!

Buck bites the inside of his cheek until it bleeds and does not add carrots to the grocery list. Because apparently they cause emotional breakdowns, and Buck can’t afford one.

He puts himself to work. He ties the trash bag and then he wipes down the counters, and then he unties the trash bag to throw some paper towels in. He transfers the dishes from the sink to the dishwasher, quiet as he can, and locates a broom at the back of Eddie’s hall closet to sweep the floor.

When he’s emptying the dust pan into the trash (he’d tied and untied the bag again, but nobody’s counting, so what does it matter), Eddie says: “Are you OK?”

Buck jumps at least three feet in the air. He’s got the quads for it.

“Hey!” Buck whisper-shouts, turning to face Eddie. “What are you doing up?”

“Was wondering where you were.”

“Uh,” Buck looks around at the spotless kitchen and the broom in his hand. “Just, you know. Thought I’d be of service.”

Eddie raises his eyebrows at him. “Buck, the last thing I’m worried about is the state of my kitchen.”

“Right. That’s why I’m taking care of it. You know, so you don’t uh. You don’t have to.”

“OK.” Eddie squints at him like maybe a closer look will explain why Buck is sweeping his kitchen at 9:45pm three days after he got shot in the street in broad daylight. Buck sincerely hopes he doesn’t figure it out. He leans the broom against the counter and clips the dust pan to it in a rare display of tidiness. The pan slides down the broom handle until it hits the floor.

“When’s the last time you slept?”

Buck shrugs.

“Answer, please.”

God, what a dad.

(Not that Buck would know.)

“Uh… I think I got a few hours while you were in surgery.”

“That was two days ago, Buck,” Eddie says, frowning at him. “You look like a stiff breeze could knock you over.”

“Well, we’re inside.”

“Why are you being so stubborn? You need to sleep.”

“I’m just not really feeling it,” Buck says, folding his arms and resting his hip against the counter.

“Not giving you a choice,” Eddie says, looking extra grumpy because he can’t fold his arms. Unless you count the one in a sling as folded.

“I’m fine, Eddie. Don’t worry about me. You should be with Christopher.”

Eddie lifts his hand to his face and rubs his temples.

“Buck,” he says, “the only thing I need you to do right now is come to bed.”

“But I—“

“Come to bed, Buck.”

And it’s the repetition. It’s the look in Eddie’s eyes like a slow, early flame: the promise of a fire.

Buck’s throat is very, very dry.

“I… yeah. OK.”

Eddie gives him a small smile. Buck’s reeling. Because here’s the thing—they’ve shared a bed before. They’ve shared a too-small bunk at the station and a backseat and even a beanbag once (courtesy of a very poor decision on Buck’s part, but at least Chris likes it). But it’s always been “just bros.” It’s always been necessity. It’s been about efficiency and familiarity. Which maybe Buck is reading this all wrong and snuggling up with your best friend and his son after a near-death experience is totally no homo but… come to bed. Come to bed. Like it’s their bed. Like Buck belongs there.

Buck’s ears are ringing while he follows Eddie down the hallway to his bedroom. Their bedroom? He’s losing it.

The hallway light illuminates a strip of the room as they step inside. Buck can see Chris tucked in the sheets, curled into the rumpled spot where Eddie slid out to fetch Buck. This has to mean something, right? They’ve been dancing around and on the edge of something for so long, Buck doesn’t know how to interpret anything anymore. He loves Eddie, though. And probably the only way he’ll sleep right now is if Eddie’s in arm’s reach. So it doesn’t really matter what this is, because Buck will take any scrap of Eddie he can get, not just tonight, but always.

Eddie slips into the bed and scoots forward, leaving a space behind for Buck. Chris makes a heavy, sleepy sound and turns his head into his dad’s shoulder. Carefully, so, so carefully, Buck lowers himself onto the bed and fills the space Eddie made for him.

“What are you doing?” Eddie asks, exasperated.

Buck blinks at the ceiling. “What?”

“Idiot,” Eddie mutters. “Spoon me.”

“I’m sorry?”

“Buck, this bed is small enough as it is with one person. I know you’re hanging half off it right now.”

“You’re not even looking at me.”

“Call it intuition,” Eddie says, dry as the desert.

Buck gingerly turns on his side, his chest just a breath away from Eddie’s back. “I…” He swallows. “Where should I put my arm?”

“Buck, you must have done this before.”

“That’s your bad arm, Eds.”

Eddie shifts a little, his calf coming into contact with Buck’s shin. Buck breaks into a cold sweat.

“Shit, well… under the sling, then. Around my waist?”

Dry, dry, his throat is so dry.

Buck lifts his arm up and drapes it over Eddie’s waist. He shuffles in closer, pressing them together from head to toe. His nose is in Eddie’s hair, his dick is nestled in the curve of Eddie’s ass, his ankles are knocking into Eddie’s. Buck feels like he might reverberate out of his skin.

“You sure you wouldn’t rather have Ana here?” Buck whispers. His mouth is like, one inch from Eddie’s ear.

Eddie turns his head a little, so his ear actually brushes Buck’s lip. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Eddie says, “There’s no one in this world I want here more than you.”

Buck stutters on his next breath.

“I wish it’d been me,” he says, suddenly. Eddie has to know. Eddie probably already knows. Buck’s grateful, so goddamn grateful, that Eddie survived. And sure, part of it is that self-deprecating shit he’s been working through with this therapist: Eddie has more to live for, Eddie has a kid, Eddie is a better man than I’ll ever be. But mostly, it’s far simpler than that.

If Eddie had died, the sniper may as well have shot Buck too. Because Buck doesn’t know how to live without Eddie. He’d found that out ages ago, when he lost Eddie under fifty feet of mud and water.

Eddie’s next words are nearly a growl. “The only good thing to come out of all this,” he says, “is that you didn’t get hurt.”

“What are you—“

“After it happened, when I was… when I was lying there, I—I looked at you. I looked at you, Buck, and I was terrified. Not because I might die, but because if I did, who was going to protect you? Who was going to keep a sniper off your self-sacrificing, heroic ass, and make sure someone came home to Chris? Who was—“ Eddie cut himself off with a sigh. “I was worried about you.”

Buck feels like… like an unbroken, empty tundra. Like a fried electric socket. Like someone dropped him to the very bottom of a very deep well.

“Eddie, Eddie I—“

“Shh,” Eddie murmurs, as Buck shakes apart. As he bends his head to hide his tears in the nape of Eddie’s neck. As he bites his tongue to stay quiet and not wake Chris up. Eddie presses backward into Buck’s hold. “I know, I know.”

“I can’t lose you,” Buck grits out between several halting breaths.

“You won’t,” Eddie says.

“I almost did.”

“You had my back.” Buck’s throat makes an awful, wheezing sound as he fights a losing battle against crying. “You got me out of there. You saved me.”

“I love you,” Buck says, losing the fight against that too.

“Buck… I…” Eddie sounds like someone knocked the wind out of him.

“Sorry,” Buck hurries to say, chest icing over with panic. “Sorry I just—“

“I love you,” Eddie interrupts. “I do. I know it took me a long time to realize, but… I’ve been in love with you, Buck.”

“Oh my god,” Buck says. I mean, what else do you say to that? No wonder Eddie froze up. Buck is in shock. “Is this real?”

“I hope so,” Eddie says. “And if it isn’t, then I’ll just have to tell you when we wake up.”

Buck feels fit to burst with more emotions than he can name. Relief, joy, fear, disbelief, pin-prickly. It feels like another miracle.

“Deal,” Buck says. And places a kiss to the fatal, devastating spot behind Eddie’s ear.

Eddie is the first thing Buck sees when he wakes up. “Good morning” are the first words he hears.

And then:

“Just so you know, I love you.”

[thisissirius]

Eddie suffering PTSD tonight though?

*heavy breathing*

OKAY LISTEN

(look at me trying to work buck into this lmao even though he’s off with taylor)

equilibrium eddie/buck, spoilers for tonight’s promo, speculatiiion and what i want :P

“Get in the car,” Athena says. 

Buck and Taylor share a look. 

“Buck,” Athena presses. “In the car. Now.”

“Come on,” Taylor says. “Part of investigating is knowing when you should back off.”

Trying not to look Athena in the eye, Buck climbed into the back of her car. Taylor took the seat next to him, and neither of them seemed keen to look Athena in the eye. 

Athena tries to engage them in conversation, but only Taylor responds. There’s a weird feeling in the back of Buck’s chest that he can’t explain. He wants to fix this, to help Sue, and he can’t deny he likes hanging out with Taylor, especially now she’s content to mock him for his giant crush on Eddie. 

Eddie, who’s working without him. 

Buck wonders if Eddie feels as off kilter as he does when they’re not partners. Maybe that’s why he feels as if his skin’s crawling. Eddie’s probably dealing with someone who doesn’t understand him; who passes him the tools at the wrong time, or doesn’t get his ridiculous sense of humour. 

“Buckaroo,” Athena starts, then gets cut off by the radio. 

"All units, I’ve got an armed suspect!” Buck’s heart hammers in his chest. 

There’s a pause. Then Bobby, “we’re taking fire.”

“Units, shots fired!”

Athena’s got the lights on and they’re off. Buck knows this definitely isn’t protocol, but when he meets her eyes in the rearview, she just purses her lips together. 

Fuck. Bobby’s taking shots. Hen, Chim. Eddie. 

“Fuck,” Buck whispers furiously. 

Taylor reaches over, touches his hand. “He’ll be fine.”

Buck nods, says, “yeah,” even though he can’t shake the dread. 

The radio continues to yell, Athena muttering to herself, but Buck sinks into the headspace he reserves for panic. He doesn’t know what to expect when they pull up to the container yard, but it’s not;

“Buck,” Hen snaps, racing up to Athena’s car. 

“Wait,” Athena starts, but Hen’s ignoring her, tugging Buck closer. 

“We can’t get him to let the patient go, you understand?”

Buck blinks, confused, but then he sees Chim and Bobby, someone else, gathered around the front of the container. “What--”

“PTSD flashback,” Bobby says quickly. “We can’t get through.”

“Why do you think I-” Buck trails off as he steps closer to the doors. Eddie’s head immediately snaps up, focuses on him. 

“Buck,” Eddie says. Whispers. It’s raw, panicked, and Buck’s chest tightens. “Where have you been?”

Buck gives Bobby a look, then ducks down. 

“Buck,” Hen starts. 

“Shut up,” Buck whispers. Louder, he slides into the container, trying to stay low. “What’s the situation?”

Eddie stares at him, arms around the victim. She looks distressed, panicked, and Buck’s torn. He wants to help her, but he wants to help Eddie. Okay. First, victim. Second, Eddie. Eddie says nothing, just keeps staring.

“Okay,” Buck says carefully, mostly to himself. Eddie’s not present, that much is clear, but he’s trying desperately to be. Eddie’s looking from Buck, to the victim, to the container, and then back to Buck. He slides closer to Eddie. “Pass her here. You focus on protecting us okay?”

It’s going to the heart of Eddie, he knows. Eddie’s got a protective streak a mild wide when it comes to Chris, and Buck hopes he can tap into that for the victim. Eddie looks like he might refuse for a moment, but then he’s nodding. 

Buck blows out a breath, gestures for the woman to come to him. He doesn’t know where she’s hurt, why the call was put out, but she manages to disentangle herself from Eddie and shuffle closer. Buck grabs her, whispers, “go. Round the edge of the container.”

Panicked, she nods, giving Eddie a look before she rolls out of Buck’s way. 

“Eddie,” Buck says again. “Focus on me, alright?”

“I can’t,” Eddie says, and his voice is shaking. There’s a faraway look to his expression, and his hand keeps clenching and unclenching as if missing something. A gun, Buck knows. 

Buck doesn’t know what he’s doing here. He’s out of his depth. Eddie’s always kept his PTSD close to his chest. Buck knows he has nightmares, knows he gets thrown out of his head sometimes by a smell or a sound. Buck suffers the same around salt water, the sound of waves. 

Mints, Buck remembers. He’d read a book that said mints are supposed to be a strong smell enough to pull you back to the present. He doesn’t have any. Loud noises. Ice. Something sour. None of the things Buck has. 

“What can you see?”

Eddie’s head whips back around. 

“What can you see?” Buck asks again, sliding in front of Eddie. 

“You,” Eddie says. 

“Who am I?”

“Buck.” Eddie doesn’t sound exasperated, which worries Buck. 

Buck nods, holds out a hand. “That’s good. What else?”

“We’re,” Eddie starts, swallows. His hand flexes again. “Your hand.”

“Can I touch you?” Buck hardly dares breathe. He doesn’t know if this is a flashback. It feels more like disassociation; Eddie’s hand flexing, not around a gun like Buck thought, but rubbing his fingers against the palm of his hand. Trying to feel. 

Eddie nods, slowly, and Buck takes his hand. Eddie grabs tight, both hands wrapped around Buck’s. “I’m here, right?”

“Yeah,” Buck says, voice shaking. “Eddie, you’re here. In a container. On a call.”

A breath. Two. “Sirens.”

Good. “Yeah, Eddie. Voices?”

“Yeah,” Eddie says. “There was a victim, where-”

“She’s safe,” Buck assures him. “You back with me?”

Eddie doesn’t answer right away. He blinks, peering past Buck to the entrance of the container. “I don’t know.”

It takes a few more minutes. Buck rests his free hand on Eddie’s shoulder, waits for Eddie to stop shaking. It takes a while, time passes as people move around them, outside the container. Some of the sirens stop, others start up, and Buck focuses on Eddie. 

“I don’t think I’m all here.”

Buck feels his eyes burning. “That’s alright, Eddie. We’ve got time.”

Eddie licks at his bottom lip. “I wanna go home.”

“Alright,” Buck assures him, hand moving to the back of Eddie’s head. He’s not wearing his helmet, Buck realises, and feels sweat on the back of Eddie’s neck, his hair. “You okay to stand up?”

“Yeah.” Under other circumstances, Eddie would snap, tell Buck he can manage, and Buck wishes he would. It’s more familiar than the quiet noise Eddie makes when he climbs to his feet. “Buck-”

“Wait,” Buck says, when Hen and Bobby try to press forward. “Cap, I need to take him home.”

Bobby opens his mouth, looks at Eddie, then back to Buck. “Like this?”

Buck nods, desperately hopes Bobby understands. “He needs to be safe.”

“Alright,” Bobby says, and Buck’s grateful. He’s never been so thankful Bobby understands with barely any words. “We’ll call later, alright?”

Moving back, Hen and Chim start barking at others to clear the area, and Buck hears Athena’s voice in there. When he and Eddie step out of the container, Eddie flinching from the light, Buck looks towards Athena’s car. Athena’s there, yelling at someone, and Taylor’s right there. She gives Buck a look, a tight smile, and then says something to Athena. 

Eddie seems content to follow Buck, keeping one hand around Buck’s, squeezing every now and then. His eyes dart from lights to containers, around the commotion surrounding the shooter, towards the bright lights. “S’bright.”

“Just the emergency vehicles,” Buck assures him. “What are you focusing on?”

“Your aftershave,” Eddie says, and Buck wants to cry at the expression on Eddie’s face. He looks lost, a little disorientated. “It’s the one you keep at mine.”

Buck nods, remembers putting it on before leaving Chris in Pepa’s capable hands. “Yeah, it is.”

When they reach the barrier, Athena intercepts, making sure to keep a few feet between her and Eddie and Buck. 

“You need a ride?” Athena asks. 

“Eddie?” Buck asks. “You want Athena to take us home?”

In response, Eddie’s head snaps up and he takes a deep breath. “Chris?”

“He’s safe,” Buck says, cupping Eddie’s cheek. “Look at me? He’s safe, Eddie. We’re just getting in Athena’s car, going back home, alright?”

Eddie nods slowly, blinks, and then seems to notice the car. “Athena.”

“Hey,” Athena says, sounding more gentle than Buck can remember. “You wanna see Chris? I’ll get you there, baby.”

Remaining pliant as they gently get him into the car, Eddie buckles himself in, which is a small improvement. Buck closes the door and lets out a shaky breath. 

“You alright?” Taylor asks. Athena’s watching him too, both of them concerned. 

“I will be,” Buck says, realising it’s true as he does. “When we get Eddie safe.”

That doesn’t take long; Athena manages to get them to Eddie’s house quickly, and Eddie seems a little more aware when Buck pulls him from the car. 

“We’ll talk tomorrow,” Athena says, and Buck knows she means more than just Eddie. He nods, watches her drive away, while Eddie turns his face into Buck’s neck. 

“Eddie,” Buck says, startled when Eddie takes deep breaths, hand fisted in Buck’s shirt. Belatedly, he realises what Eddie’s doing. “My aftershave?”

Eddie nods, pulls back a little. “We’re on my driveway. My house.”

“Chris is inside,” Buck says. “Your room, your bed.”

Buck’s got a spare key to the house, which he’s grateful for now they’re standing at the front door. He’s not sure he wants to drive back to the station for Eddie’s stuff. He manages to get Inside the door and down the hall, where Eddie presses into Chris’ room, slides to his knees by the bed. He’s dirty, shaking and breathing heavy as he presses a kiss to Chris’ forehead. 

“Buck,” he says eventually, sounding wrecked. 

Buck moves forward, a hand in Eddie’s hair, down to the back of his neck. “I’m here. Come on, up you get.”

Eddie lets himself be led into his bedroom, sat on the edge of the bed. “I hate this.”

“I know,” Buck says. Eddie doesn’t need his pity, his platitudes. He needs Buck to be safe, an anchor. “You feel that?”

“The sheets,” Eddie says with a nod. “I can hear the humidifier.”

“Good.” Buck tugs off Eddie’s work clothes. “You need a shower?”

Eddie shakes his head. “It’ll feel weird, like needles. I just want, can we just,” he doesn’t seem to know what to settle on, toes curling into the carpet when Buck pulls off his socks, as if trying to focus on touch. 

“I’ve got you,” Buck assures him, takes Eddie’s hand. They can sort everything else in the morning. Buck tucks them both under the covers, runs his fingers up Eddie’s arm. “Feel that?”

“Yeah,” Eddie says, breathless. He curves into Buck’s space, eyes wide. “I can hear your heartbeat.”

It’s progress. Not a solution, but progress. Gently, Buck presses Eddie’s head to his chest, runs a hand through his hair. “Alright?”

“Soon,” Eddie says, and his fingers fist in the sheets beneath them. “A dog barking.”

Buck can hear it, the terrier from a few doors down. “The cars?”

“Yeah.” Eddie’s voice sounds small, exhausted. “Your shirt is the soft one.”

Laughing, Buck presses a kiss to the top of Eddie’s head. “Your hair needs a wash.”

“Can’t feel that,” Eddie says, and it’s so close to Eddie that Buck lets out a shaky breath of his own, relieved. A hesitation. Then, quietly, Eddie says, “Thank you.”

“Don’t be stupid,” Buck replies. He tightens his grip on Eddie, runs his fingers over Eddie’s hip, under his shirt. “I’ve got you.”

“I know,” Eddie says, voice heavy with wonder, with relief. 

Buck closes his eyes. “You’re safe.”

Eddie remains tight in the circle of Buck’s arms, whispers, “with you,” like a promise.

not sure i like this, but yolo. i’m also sure this won’t happen tonight whoops.

[lesbianbuck-archived]

EVAN BUCKLEY WEEK DAY THREE - “I NEED YOU TO TRUST ME” + HURT

He had posted the pictures on Facebook. He had been expecting the phone call. He just hadn’t thought it would come in the middle of dinner with Bobby and Athena while Eddie and Christopher are there with him.

Buck excuses himself from the table and walks out into the backyard, sliding the door shut behind him. He holds his phone up to his ear. “Hi, mom.”

“Evan, what is this?”

Buck sighs. Proposing to Eddie had been the easiest decision he’s ever made, even though he had been terrified to actually do it. He had known the shit storm from his parents was going to come as soon as he put the pictures up online, but he’s decided that he’s done living his life in fear of what other people might think. It just hurts a little more when the judgement is coming from the people who raised him.

Well, that might be an overstatement. They were at least in the same house.

“I thought the pictures made it pretty clear,” Buck replies, faintly hearing the door slide open and shut behind him and feeling a hand on the small of his back soon after. Eddie. “I’m engaged.”

“To a man, Evan. I mean, is this some kind of cruel joke?”

Eddie inhales sharp and angry next to him, no doubt able to hear his mother through the phone. They share a look before Buck answers. “No, mom. Why would I post something like that as a joke?”

“Why would you post it at all? You don’t need that kind of attention, all those people looking into our lives—”

“I’m pretty sure it’s my life, not yours.” And just like he had in Maddie and Chim’s kitchen, Buck feels like a twelve-year-old again, fighting to deserve a place in the family. A place that had existed once, but not for him. He feels a little braver this time though. He attributes it to the gentle way that Eddie’s hand is keeping him steady. “I’m thirty-one. I’m more than capable of making my own decisions.”

“That’s clearly not true if these are the ones you’re making. Evan, we didn’t even know you were seeing anyone, and now you’re deciding to get married out of nowhere? You have no idea how big of a commitment—”

“I’ve been in love with him for almost five years, mom,” Buck retaliates, and he can’t help the soft way that he says it. He looks over at Eddie and he’s looking at Buck in slight disbelief. Buck assumes that Eddie had guessed that, but Buck has never confirmed it out loud. “It’s not out of nowhere.”

There’s silence on the line for a moment. “We didn’t know.”

The lights click off in the dining room as he shuffles from foot to foot. “That was on purpose. Because I knew you would react exactly like this.”

“And what’s wrong with that?” His mom sounds like she always does, like she can’t believe she could ever be in the wrong about anything. It makes Buck want to crawl into himself and hide as much as it did when he was a kid. “We’re worried about you. You don’t call, you don’t text, and you don’t ever come home for the holidays. What kind of parents do you think that makes us look like?”

Buck holds himself back from being brutally honest in his answer, instead reaching out and holding onto Eddie’s bicep for dear life. “You’re not worried about me. If you were, you would have come to the hospital when I almost died. Twice.”

Eddie whispers next to him. “Buck, you don’t have to have this conversation if you don’t want to. You can hang up.”

Buck shakes his head. He’s not going to win this conversation, but he’s at least going to say his piece. “Listen, mom. I forgave you and dad for the way you treated me growing up. I’m trying to move past the way you hurt me and do better, and it’s working. And sure, part of it is therapy, but another big part of it is Eddie. I need you to trust me and my ability to make decisions for myself, so if you want a place in my life, then you have to be okay with Eddie having a place in it too.”

“Evan—”

“It’s Buck.”

His mother sighs through the phone. “Buck. This… this man, you’re sure you’re ready to commit the rest of your life to him?”

“His name is Eddie,” Buck seethes, gripping Eddie’s arm harder. “And yes, I know, and I’m sure. I’ve never been surer about anything.”

“A marriage takes work, you know.”

“It’s not work to me. Not if it’s him.” His mother doesn’t respond to that, but he hears Eddie’s breath stutter. Buck slides his hand down and Eddie moves his off Buck’s back so they can push their fingers together. “I gotta go. I’m in the middle of dinner with Bobby and Athena, and I’d like to get back to it if you don’t mind.”

A beat of silence. “I just hope you aren’t making a mistake.”

Buck hangs up.

He stares down at his phone in his hand, the screen dark. “Love you too,” he mutters sarcastically.

Eddie turns to him and places his palm on Buck’s cheek, rubbing his thumb soothingly against his cheekbone. “Well, it could have been worse. You spoke very highly though, which I appreciate.”

Buck huffs a breath out. “Well you won’t do it yourself, so I have to do it for you.”

Buck isn’t really expecting it when Eddie leans in and kisses him softly, lingering until Buck feels the itch under his skin he didn’t even realize was there dissipating. When Eddie pulls back, his eyes are shining. “Kinda wish you would have mentioned my stellar ass, though.”

“You’re right, maybe that would have changed her mind.”

The sliding glass door opens and Athena calls out to them. “You boys still hungry? Dinner is cold now, but dessert just finished up if you want to come inside.”

Eddie laughs as Buck tugs him back into the house for dessert, and yeah, Buck never doubted for a second that this man is it for him. Bobby calls Eddie and Christopher into the kitchen to help serve dessert and Athena pulls him aside. “You okay, Buckaroo? I know your family can be frustrating.”

He looks at Athena with her casual concern, at Bobby who is staring at the both of them from over the kitchen island with worry and love on his face, at Eddie who somehow got chocolate frosting on his nose and is making goofy faces at his son. At their son, soon.

“Yeah, I’m okay,” he says, and for once he means it. “I’ve got my real family right here.”

[buckleyirondad]

I'm falling apart (and all I want is to trust you)

Eddie and Christopher's reactions to Buck collapsing in 3x03: The Searchers.

Christopher Diaz Week, Day 4: Eddie & Chris + “You’re the most important person.”

Read on AO3

Eddie attempted to hold his breath, but he couldn’t.

A natural instinct fought against him, forcing him to struggle through quick strangled breaths.

He leaned his head back, scanning Christopher for possible injuries with rapid eyes, and when he couldn’t see anything aside from a few scratches, he drew his son back into his arms, frantically gripping onto him as if he would disappear, without a moment’s notice.

Me and Christopher, we were at the beach.

Eddie screwed up his face as he pressed his forehead against Christopher’s chest, taking a moment to listen to the comforting sound of his heart beating.

He swallowed the rising bile in his throat.

His son had been there, he survived the wave as it came crashing down upon him, and Eddie wasn’t; he would need more than ten fingers to count all the times he wasn’t there for his son, and the longer the list became, the heavier he felt.

 “Dad—” Christopher’s tired voice muttered, “Buck fell over.”

Buck.

When Eddie had set eyes on his best friend, with two bleeding gashes across his face and an injured arm tied up in a makeshift bandage, he was sure he hadn’t felt dread like it since he had seen Shannon laid lifelessly across that street.

There was the initial shock; seeing Buck, bloodied and bruised, the same guy who’d escaped death twice in the shortest space of time, who happened to be on blood thinners, barely standing on his own two feet.

Then, it changed quickly, Eddie’s fatherly instincts canceled out everything else and his mind fixated on Christopher’s absence.

Christopher hiccupped, “Dad.”

Eddie, I just don't know how to say it.

Christopher tangled his legs around Eddie’s middle, tucking his head against his shoulder as he admitted, in the gentlest of whispers, “I want Buck.”

He was looking for Buck.

“Okay.” Eddie scraped his teeth over his lower lip as he swayed up onto his feet, allowing the world around him to come crashing back, “Let’s—”

Buck was down. Still awake, but his eyes were unfocused, staring blankly ahead; his skin was an awful grey, and his breaths were less controlled than Eddie’s erratic ones.

A panicked Hen was perching behind, acting as a human pillow for Buck to fall back on, but that didn’t stop her from ripping a glove off, to press her fingers on his pulse point.

Bobby had his hand pressed firmly against Buck’s shoulder, he was speaking, but Eddie couldn’t hear him.

Chimney charged over, clutching a medkit as he knelt, his hand on Buck’s cheek, trying to gain his attention, but Buck barely flinched at the touch. 

Eddie knew exactly what Buck needed and what the half-asleep kid bundled in his arms did too.

Reassurance.

“Buck—” Eddie breathed as he hurried over, “Hey, Buck—”

Buck lifted his eyes, they widened when he met Eddie’s gaze, “Eddie, I—” He tried to move, but was easily pulled back, “I’m sorry.”

Eddie rushed to reassure, “It’s okay, look…” He got onto one knee, sitting Christopher down, he looped his arms under his son’s, and turned him, so that he was facing Buck, “Look who it is.”

Christopher extended his hand, gently laying it across Buck’s cheek, “Buck.”

Buck choked out a sob, his face leaning into the hold, “Christopher—”

“I couldn’t find you,” Christopher admitted, “So, I just kept swimming.”

Buck attempted a lopsided grin, “So did I.” He scrunched his nose, “Sorry I couldn’t find you.”

“But I found you!” Christopher jumped up, off his dad’s knee, bringing him his arms to gently wrap around Buck, “And you didn’t stop looking.”

Eddie caught Hen’s face, as he crumpled, tears filling her eyes, Bobby and Chimney were the same, turning his faces away.

Christopher leaned back, hand on his chest, “I’m Nemo.” He proclaimed, “And you’re Dory.” He prodded the center of Buck’s chest, “Dad’s Marlin.”

Eddie wiped a hand over his eyes as he smiled.

Buck nodded, his eyelids drooping slightly, “That’s right, buddy.”

“Okay—” Eddie reached out, reluctantly pulling Christopher away, “Uncle Chimney needs to make sure Buck is okay.”

Hen spoke soft, “And I can check you over too Chris—”

“I’m okay,” Christopher hummed, “Buck saved me.”

Hen nodded, tying her arm tighter around Buck’s unstable front, “I bet he did.”

Chimney was busy manhandling Buck, doing all the routine checks, “Your chest doesn’t sound too good, Buckaroo.”

“I’m—” Buck let his head flop against Bobby’s shoulder, “Tired.”

Eddie jumped to his feet, scooping Christopher up with him, facing him away from the chaos.

“I know—” Bobby jostled him, “But you know the drill, kid, stay awake.”  

Buck nodded, “Okay.”

“I’m gonna see if they’ve got a bed for him,” Chimney hurried through the automatic doors, where he collided with Athena, who jumped into action as soon as her eyes found Buck; she followed behind Chimney.

“Pulse is erratic,” Hen muttered, darting her eyes between Eddie and Bobby, “We don’t know how long he was in the water.”

Eddie informed them, “They were at the beach.”

Hen lowered her head, shaking it.

“That’s—” Bobby bit his lip, “That’s impossible.”

Hen squeezed his arm, “They made it out.” She moved her head, turning her attention to Buck, “Hey, you wanna show me those beautiful blue eyes of yours?”

“Sure,” Buck blinked slowly, “But you’re married.”

“Ha.” Hen stroked her fingers through his hair, “In your dreams.”

Buck stammered, “Lost Chris—”

“He’s here, Buck,” Hen told him, pointing up, “He’s okay.”

“No.” Buck was stern, “We were safe, then lost him—”

Bobby looked to Eddie, “It was a natural disaster, son,” He told him, “Not your fault.”

“Wave came back.”

The wave retracted half an hour before sundown, and that was six hours ago, that was how long they spent apart. Could have been worse. That meant they spent six hours together and almost five apart.

“We were on a firetruck,” Buck laughed at the irony of it all, “He fell in, and I jumped—”

Eddie closed his eyes, drawing in a sharp breath as he drew Christopher closer.

Buck didn’t even hesitate to follow.

Eddie wished he didn’t have to listen, but at least Buck was talking.

“Eddie—” Buck winced, “I’m so sorry.”

“Stop.” Eddie ordered, “You did everything right and he’s okay.”

“He’s okay,” Buck relaxed, heavy against Bobby’s side, “He’s okay—” He muttered as his eyes came to a close.

“No.” Hen patted his back, trying to coax him awake, “Buck!”

“Come on, kid,” Bobby turned, hands on Buck’s face, “You’ve gotta stay awake.”

“Don’t wanna.”

“Hey—” Chimney jogged over, panic etched on his face, “We’ve got a bed free, Athena’s making sure nobody claims it.”

Hen spun her head, “We’re gonna need a gurney.”

“No.” Buck winced, “No—”

Hen pressed a hand to his forehead, hissing, “I don’t like—”

“Please—” In his fevered state, Buck moved closer to Bobby, “Please!”

Bobby grabbed at Buck’s loose limbs, tugging him up so that his head was pressing against the older man’s chest, “Hey.”

“Want—” Whatever Buck wanted, he was determined, “Need—”

“What do you need, kid?”

Buck slurred, his breathing slowed, “Important—”

“What’s important?”

“You.”

Eddie could pinpoint the moment that Bobby’s heart shattered.

“I’ve got you, kid,” Bobby tapped his arm, “I’m right here.”

Hen was unable to hide the slight crack in her voice, “We need to get him inside, Bobby.”

“Okay.” Bobby looped his arm under Buck’s back, clutching his fingers around his shoulder, “I’ll take him.”

Chimney’s eyes widened, “You sure?”

“I’m not as old as I look,” Bobby got up onto his feet, one arm under Buck’s back and the other under his knees, gathering his legs, “See.”

Hen gently lifted Buck’s head, letting it sit at an uncomfortable angle against Bobby’s chest.

Buck was a little taller than Bobby, but it worked, for the most part, and Bobby didn’t even flinch.

Chimney gently tapped Bobby’s back, wearing his cautious smile, “Let’s get him inside.”

Bobby and Chimney headed towards the automatic doors, people parted to allow them through.

Hen cleared her throat, “Eddie, I can check Christopher over now.”

“Thank you.”

Christopher held up his head, looking around, “Wanna go with Buck.” He was clear and precise with his demand, “Please.”

Eddie didn’t want to keep them apart, but knew, for now, they had to be.

“You can later.” Hen pressed a hand to Christopher’s back, “When the doctors have checked him over, you’ll be the first one to give him a hug, okay?”

Christopher nodded, “Okay.”

Eddie was quiet, while sitting on the corner of the cot, Christopher on his lap as Hen did her usual checks, asking Christopher a couple of questions, which he answered happily while peppering in the fact that Buck was a superhero.

“He’s good,” Hen assured Eddie, “Really good.”

“Yeah?”

“He’s barely got a scratch on him, and the ones he does have don’t even need bandages,” She told him, “A change of clothes and a good night’s sleep, that’s what this one needs.”

“That’s—”

“I know,” Hen nodded, “Buck really went through the wringer—”

“He spent six hours searching alone,” Eddie scraped his teeth over his lower lip, keeping his voice low, “Bleeding out—”

“Like I said before,” Hen lifted her shoulders, “He’s a golden retriever.”

Eddie snorted a laugh.

“And a fighter.” Hen locked her fingers together, “He did good. Both of them did.” She stood up, “I’ll go and check on him, I’ll report back to you, are you staying?”

“Can’t keep these two apart for too long,” Eddie tied his arm around Christopher’s front, “I won’t do that.”

“Okay.” She nodded, “I’ll see if I can grab some blankets too.” She turned on her heel, heading for the main entrance, quick on her feet.

Christopher shuffled off Eddie’s lap, taking the seat next to him and resting his head on his arm, “Will Buck be okay?”

“He will be,” Eddie said with an uncertain nod, “It’s been a long day.”

“He got hurt looking for me?” Christopher lifted his chin, “Why?”

“He was scared,” Eddie calmed his voice, “You’re a very important person and he loves you.”

He squeaked, “I love him too.”

“It must have been scary, when you couldn’t find him,” Eddie combed a hand through Christopher’s hair, his heart beating at a mile a minute.

“I looked for him, Dad, promise.” Christopher wrapped his hand around Eddie’s, “Like he looked for me.”

“Yeah, and you found him, buddy,” Eddie breathed, “You found each other.”

Christopher straightened his back, searching the crowd, “Is everybody here important?”

“Yeah, everybody is,” He spoke optimistically, of course, knowing that they were more than a few terrible people in the world, but that wasn’t a conversation for now, “But guess what?”

Christopher offered his most adorable grin, “What?”

Eddie pressed his finger against Christopher’s chest, “You’re the most important person.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, really…” Eddie scrunched his nose, “To me, Pepa, Abuela, Abuelo, Buck…”

“That’s cool.” Christopher smiled, “You’re important too, Daddy.”

Eddie tucked him closer, “Thank God for you, kid.”

“Hey…” Chimney jogged over, holding a bunch of blankets, he darted his eyes around while he headed over, searching the camp for somebody, “Have you seen Maddie?”

“No,” Eddie shook his head, “Is she on her way?”

“Last I heard, stuck in traffic,” Chimney sighed, “Apparently, Buck phoned her, just before—” He cut himself off, “Here.”

Eddie grasped the blankets, wrapping one around Christopher, “Thanks.”

Christopher celebrated, “Thanks Chimney!”

Chimney smiled, “No problem, kid.”

“How’s Buck doing?” Eddie asked, his knee bouncing.

“He’s doing okay,” Chimney lowered his voice, “They’re letting him rest right now, he’s latched onto Bobby like some sort of octopus.”

Eddie snorted a fond laugh.

“He was a little out of it,” Chimney grinned, “But he made Bobby and Athena cry.”

“Hang on, he made Athena cry?” Eddie held up a hand, “We’re talking about the same Athena, here, right?”

“I know.” Chimney hissed through his teeth, “He basically assumed that everybody would wanna go home, like leave him—”

Eddie smile gradually disappeared; he always had the feeling that Buck was used to being abandoned, and he hated it.

“Said something about his mom and it pushed Athena, a little,” Chimney explained, “He’s sleeping now.”

“Any room for us?” Eddie asked, “I think they need each other.”

“They do.” Chimney spoke in full agreement, “He’s being transferred to First Presbyterian in an hour, should be more room there.”

“Good.”

Christopher yawned, “It’s been a long day, Dad.”

Eddie and Chimney laughed at that.

“Yeah, bud,” Eddie agreed, “It’s been a long day, but you can sleep if you like.”

“Nope.” Christopher sang, “Not until I see Buck.”

Chimney lifted his eyebrows as if to say, ‘we’ll see.’

He was proven wrong as even on the journey to First Presbyterian; Christopher didn’t sleep.

Once they bypassed a couple of rules, they made it into Buck’s room, and Christopher crawled up onto the bed, latching onto Buck’s side, the pair falling asleep instantly.

Eddie relaxed in the seat beside them, crossing his arms, letting himself drift off to sleep.

There was nobody in the world that he trusted, with his son, more than Buck.

[onlyherefortheshowmances]

Background: Based on the synopsis and set images as well as my own delusional Buddie brain, here is my theory of Episode 4x14.

 Episode 4x13 will end with a firefighter (from another house) getting shot by the sniper. The first half of episode 4x14 will involve a number of close calls with the guy, but then he zeros in on the 118 for reasons unknown.

Our favorite firefam are out doing a major rescue. Skyscraper on fire or something. Eddie and Buck are on the roof, securing an injured person into the basket. Bobby is on the ground acting as incident commander. Hen and Chim are attending to the injured on the ground and waiting on the basket to be lowered so they can take that person to the hospital. The sniper suddenly appears on a nearby rooftop. His scope zeros in on Buck’s chest (on the opposing rooftop). He lines up the shot and pulls the trigger. In slow motion, Eddie sees this just as it happens without Buck even realizing, he jumps in front of the bullet, taking it to the shoulder instead of to Buck’s chest. He collapses over top of the injured person in the basket. Buck’s eyes immediately jump to the sniper who start lining up another shot, but then Eddie moans and Buck stops caring. He immediately starts tending to Eddie instead.

 “Buckley, Diaz, status report,” Bobby’s voice crackles over the comms.

 Buck grabs at his radio. “Eddie’s been shot. Sniper. Roof across the street.”

 The show refocuses to our friends on the ground. Chim and Hen are staring at Bobby as they all heard Buck’s call. Bobby looks up to the roof nearby and can’t see the sniper from the ground. Athena walks over. “What happened?”

 “The sniper. That roof. Eddie’s down,” he says pointing.

 Athena immediately starts ordering the LAPD into position while Bobby sends another crew up to Eddie and Buck on the roof. They secure Eddie into a basket and drop him (and Buck) down to Chim and Hen. The other injured person is passed down to the other crew. Buck helps Chim and Hen get Eddie into the back of the bus. He’s about to close the doors, reluctantly when Bobby’s hand lands on his shoulder. “Go. Let me know how he makes out,” is all he says before pushing Buck into the back of the ambulance with Chim and Eddie. He closes the doors and Hen flips the sirens on as she takes off toward the hospital.

 When they arrive, Hen and Chim unload Eddie’s stretcher (he’s out cold now, losing blood; coded in the bus once, but hanging onto life by the skin of his teeth). They pass him off to the waiting ER team and Buck makes to go after them. The nurses, doctors, Chim, and Hen all stare at him, but he swallows. “Pull his chart. I’m Evan Buckley. I’m his emergency contact, power of attorney. I’m not leaving.” Chim and Hen exchange a look, clearly unaware of this until right now. The nurses and doctors shrug and nod as they rush Eddie toward the waiting OR.

 The show goes back to show the sniper being taken into custody (in the back of Athena’s car) as Chim and Hen return to the scene. Bobby asks them where Buck is and how Eddie is. And Chim asks him, “Did you know Buck was Eddie’s POA?”

 Bobby smiles a little and chuckles slightly. “Nah but doesn’t surprise me. Guess we’re two men down, huh?” Hen and Chim both just shrug and nod as they go back to tending the wounded on the ground.

 Taylor shows up to cover the event, specifically the sniper being arrested. She spots the 118 and goes over after her cameras stop rolling. “Where’s Buck?”

 “Hospital with Eddie,” Chim says.

 “Oh,” Taylor says. “Was he hurt, too?”

 Chim shakes his head. “He’s Eddie’s POA.”

 “What?”

 “Power of attorney? He gets to make medical decisions and stuff while Eddie’s out. He has to be there,” Chim explains. Taylor’s a little taken aback but doesn’t say anything.

 The show goes back to the hospital. A doctor walks into the waiting room and says, “Mr. Buckley?” Buck’s head pops up from where he’s sitting, lost in his own anxiety over the situation. He stands up and walks over to the doctor who introduces himself. “Mr. Diaz is going to be okay. I just finished up. They’re just getting him cleaned up and moved to recovery. You’ll be able to see him once he’s awake.”

 “He’ll be okay?” Buck confirms and the doctor nods.

 “A nurse will come and get you once he’s awake.”

 “Thank you,” Buck says faintly. The doctor nods again and disappears back through the doors as Buck bursts into relieved tears. He goes back to his seat and sends a few texts first (to Maddie, Chim, Hen, Bobby, and Athena) saying Eddie’s going to be okay and that surgery is over. Then he calls Carla.

 “Buckaroo! What do I owe the pleasure?”

 “Carla, are you with Chris?”

 “Yeah, what’s wrong?” she asks, clearly sensing the anxiety in Buck’s voice. “Is Eddie okay? What happened?”

 “Did you see the news?”

 “The sniper?”

 “Eddie got shot. He… he just got out of surgery. I’m waiting for the nurse to come get me once he wakes up. He’s going to be okay, but he… he coded on the way here…”

 “Oh my God, Buck! Are you okay, honey? I’ll keep Christopher just as long as I need to, okay. You make sure to tell Eddie that, alright? I’ll be here with him as long as I need to be.”

 “Thank you,” Buck mumbles.

 “Did you call Ana?”

 “What? No,” Buck says. Why would he call her?

 “Abuela and Pepa…”

 “They’re next on my list. Listen, just take care of Christopher. I’ll let you know when I know more. Thank you again.”

 Once he’s off the phone with Carla, he calls Pepa who’s already with Abuela and relays all the information to them. Abuela wants to come to the hospital, but Pepa says they shouldn’t because of the pandemic and she reluctantly agrees once Buck promises to call them as soon as he knows more. He sits back in the chair and starts fielding responses from his earlier texts until he looks up and sees Ana there. “What’re you doing here?”

 “Could ask you the same thing.”

 Buck shakes his head. “I’m… I’m his emergency contact… his POA.”

 Ana huffs and stomps toward the desk. She’s about to ask the worker for information on Eddie when a nurse walks out of the double doors and calls, “Mr. Buckley?”

 Buck gets up and walks over. Ana abandons her position at the desk to walk over, too. “Yes, that’s me,” Buck says. “Is he awake?”

 The nurse nods. “Just woke up and already asking for you,” she says with a sweet smile. Buck’s heart flutters a little. The nurse swipes her card to open the double doors and Buck follows her through. She holds out her arm to stop Ana from following them. “Legally authorized persons and immediately family only. You’ll have to wait here.”

 “But I’m his girlfriend!” she huffs.

 “I’ll let him know you’re here,” the nurse says kindly and then leads Buck down the hall as the doors close on Ana’s face.

 As soon as Buck and the nurse walk into Eddie’s room, he smiles and Buck is overwhelmed with relieved tears again. “I’m okay,” Eddie whispers as Buck drops to the chair next to his bed. “I’m okay. I’m fine. Everything’s fine.”

 The nurse clears her throat and Eddie looks over at her. “Uh, there was a woman in the waiting room. Says she’s your girlfriend?”

 “Oh shit,” Eddie mumbles. “Uh, yeah, yeah, let her in, can you?”

 The nurse nods once and disappears from the room. The show goes back to the waiting room where Ana is pacing in front of the double doors, clearly on edge. The nurse reappears. “Mr. Diaz has authorized your visit,” she says with a smile. “Come with me.”

 Ana follows the nurse back the hallway to Eddie’s room. She freezes in the doorway at the sight of Buck holding Eddie’s hand, finally crying the last of his tears as Eddie continues to reassure him that everything’s okay. Then she shakes her head and clears her throat as she walks forward. Eddie looks up at her and smiles politely. “Edmundo,” she croaks. “What the hell happened?”

 Buck looks a little taken aback by the use of Eddie’s full name but sits back in the chair. He goes to release Eddie’s hand, but Eddie only holds his tighter. “Uh, well, I was shot.” Ana gives him a look. “Right. You knew that. Um, that sniper that’s been targeting first responders,” he explains. “He, uh, showed up on the roof top next to the one where Buck and I were trying to secure a victim in a basket. I saw just as he pulled the trigger, clearly aimed right at Buck’s chest and I put myself in front of it.”

 Buck looks up, wide-eyed at that revelation. “You what?” Ana demands.

 Before Eddie can say anything, Buck croaks out, “Why would you do that?”

 Eddie’s eyes move from Ana to Buck and his expression softens. “You’re my best friend. I promised to always have your back.” He shrugs a little, wincing in pain.

 “You have a child!” Ana rages, stepping closer. “How were we supposed to explain to Christopher that you DIED because you took a bullet for HIM!?!?”

 “I didn’t die,” Eddie says calmly. “And if I had, Christopher would’ve understood. Buck’s his best friend, too.”

 Ana looks positively enraged, but then Buck mumbles, “It hasn’t felt like it recently.”

 Edie looks back to Buck, confused, hurt. He’s clearly trying to figure out what Buck means and then as he racks his brain, it slowly dawns on him. Ever since he started dating Ana, she’s taken Buck’s place in their lives in a lot of ways. Now when they have movie nights it’s with Ana, not Buck. When they go places on Eddie’s days off it’s with Ana, not Buck and he sees the hurt on his best friend’s face, and he realizes what he’s done. “I’m sorry,” is all he can think to say. Buck looks up at him. “I didn’t realize, Buck. I’m sorry.”

 “It’s okay,” Buck mumbles.

 “No, it’s not. I was trying to figure out why Chris was being so reluctant. Why he wouldn’t tell me what was bugging him for the past couple months and I… I just realized why. God, I’m so dumb. I’m so sorry.”

 “It’s okay,” Buck says again. “Oh, and he’s with Carla and she said she’ll keep him as long as necessary.”

 “Thank you,” Eddie mumbles with a soft smile, “for everything.”

 Buck can’t help but smile gently back and then Ana huffs in frustration and they both turn to her, having forgot she was even in the room. “Someone care to tell me what the hell is going on right now?”

 “It’s complicated,” Eddie offers, and Buck just sighs a little. Eddie glances at him and knows what he needs to do.

 The show cuts away from the hospital to Christopher and Carla at Eddie’s house. “When will my dad be home?” Christopher asks.

 “Um,” Carla says slowly. “I’m not sure.”

 “What?”

 She takes a deep breath. “Your dad got hurt. At work. Um, Buck was at the hospital with him, and I called Ms. Flores and she was going to go over, too.”

 “Is he okay?”

 “He will be,” Carla says diplomatically. “Buck said he’d call when he knew more.”

 “Can I call Buck?”

 Carla nods. “I think that would be okay.” She pulls out her phone and sends Buck a quick text telling him that Christopher wants to talk to him. Buck replies to give him just a minute and then a minute later Carla’s phone rings with a call from Buck. She hands it to Christopher who smiles at Buck’s name on the screen and answers the call.

 “Hey, Superman!” Buck says.

 “BUCK! Is my dad okay?”

 “He will be,” Buck says, echoing Carla’s words. “I was just talking to him, but he’s talking to Ms. Flores now.”

 “I don’t like her,” Christopher confides.

 “Really?”

 “Mmhmm,” Christopher says quietly, glance at Carla whose eyebrow is raised. “Ever since he started dating her, I haven’t gotten to see you at all. And She doesn’t let me do anything fun and I never get to play video games.” He just goes off on this long list of ways he doesn’t like Ana and why he misses Buck.

 “Wanna have a sleepover at my house tonight? I don’t think they’re gonna let your dad come home yet, so just you and me, what d’you say?” Buck asks.

 “Can we?” Christopher asks excitedly.

 “Let me ask your dad, but I bet he’ll say yes.”

 “Can… Can I talk to him?”

 “Let’s see if he’s still awake,” Buck says.

 The show goes back to the hospital perspective. Buck walks back into Eddie’s room (a real hospital room, not recovery now) to find Eddie and Ana in a heated argument. But just as he enters, Ana huffs a final sigh and turns to leave. She pushes past Buck. “Have fun with that,” she practically growls, and Buck raises an eyebrow before turning to Eddie who has an apologetic look on his face.

 “Um, Christopher wants to talk to you,” Buck says, offering Eddie the phone. He smiles just barely and takes it as he starts talking to Christopher.

 [end finale]

[evanbuckley-heartofgold]

Do You Think of Me?

Read on ao3 (1k)

Buck jogs his leg anxiously, eyes on the floor. 

He manages to drown out the sounds of the hospital, focusing only on keeping calm. He almost lost Eddie, he can’t lose Bobby too. Buck’s been sitting in this uncomfortable plastic chair for what feels like hours. Athena managed to convince Hen and Chimney to go home, but Buck wouldn’t be swayed as easily. He knows that if he goes home then all he’ll think about is Bobby. So he stayed. 

“Buckaroo.” Buck looks up to see Athena standing in the doorway of Bobby’s hospital room. “He’s awake. Do you want to go in?” 

“I don’t want to intrude,” Buck says immediately, squishing down his instincts to just rush in. 

Athena shakes her head, “I’m stepping out to call the others and May and Harry.” 

Buck nods and allows Athena to gently pat his cheek before she walks down the hallway. Buck takes a deep breath before walking into the room. Right off the bat, Buck can tell that Bobby is in much better shape than Eddie. He looks alert and Buck thankfully can’t see the bandages that he knows pad his torso. 

When Buck walks in, Bobby smiles a little, “Hey, Buck.”

“Hi,” Buck says quietly. 

Bobby frowns a little at him, “You okay?” 

The question brings tears to his eyes immediately. “Why does everyone keep asking me that?” His voice trembles as he asks. 

“Hey, hey,” Bobby says immediately. He gestures for Buck to sit in the chair beside the bed. Buck does, not looking at his captain. “I’m just worried about you.” 

“Why?” Buck tries to suppress how his voice cracks. He looks up at Bobby and sees the older man looking down at him with concern. It almost hurts to look at. “I-I’m not the one who got shot.” 

“But you are the one who watched your best friend get shot and saw your captain bleeding out.” Bobby takes Buck’s hand and squeezes it. “It’s okay that you’re not okay.” 

Buck shakes his head vehemently, “It’s not. Because I’m...I’m fine, Bobby.” 

“Are you?” Bobby challenges. 

Instead of answering, Buck curls in on himself, covering his face as he starts to cry. Everything from the past week comes rushing out of him all at once. Eddie getting shot, taking care of Christopher, the possibility of being shot on every call, Bobby’s silent radio, Athena and the paramedics carting Bobby into an ambulance.

Buck sobs and he knows he shouldn't. He’s at his captain’s bedside for god's sake and all he can do is cry and feel sorry for himself. Buck feels Bobby’s familiar hand on his shoulder, rubbing comforting circles. 

“It’s alright, kid. Everything’s okay,” Bobby assures him. 

“I’m sorry,” Buck says quietly when the majority of his sobs have passed. “I...I should have gotten shot-”

“If you finish that sentence, Evan Buckley, I will shoot you myself.” Buck and Bobby look over to see Athena standing in the door with her arms crossed. She walks over to them and sits on the edge of Bobby’s bed looking down at him. Buck ducks his head and Athena sighs. “Buck. Buck, look at me.” He does so reluctantly. Athena just looks at him for a moment before giving him a sympathetic look. “You didn’t choose for any of these things to happen, it’s not your fault.” 

Buck tears his eyes away from hers and softly admits, “It would be easier for everyone if I was the one who got hurt.” 

“That’s not true, Buck.” Bobby gives him a gentle but stern look. 

“It is. You said it yourself, I don’t think before I act. I don’t listen to you I-I...it should have been me.” There’s silence from Bobby and Athena. The silence weighs heavy on his shoulders. “I should go.” 

Buck moves to get up and leave, but Athena snags his wrist. “Athena-”

“Come here.” She gives a light tug on his wrist and Buck knows that if he really wanted to he could break away from her, but he doesn’t want to. He lets Athena pull him until he’s sitting on the bed between Bobby and Athena. 

Bobby pulls Buck down until he is essentially curled up on Bobby's side. Buck is hesitant to let Bobby hold any of his weight, but a soft, “It’s okay,” makes Buck relax into Bobby’s side. 

“I’m only going to say this once, so you better be listening,” Bobby says, his voice gentle. Buck nods into his shoulder. “Yes, you take risks and yes, sometimes that pisses me off. But you are…” Bobby chuckles, “You’re my kid, Buck. You have proven to me over and over again that you are a good person, that you deserve this job, and you have a good head on your shoulders. There is no world in which I’d prefer you to get hurt, Buck. It’s bad enough that Eddie got shot, if you had as well…” Bobby trails off, tightening his arm around Buck who’s begun to cry silently into Bobby’s hospital gown. 

“I’m sorry,” Buck whispers. 

Athena shakes her head and puts her hand on Buck’s leg, “There’s nothing to be sorry for. It’s been a long week, for all of us.” Buck nods into Bobby’s shoulder. They stay like that for a little while before Athena says, “We should get going, Buckaroo, visiting hours end soon.”

Buck nods and slowly lifts himself out of Bobby’s arms. The thought of going back to his empty apartment fills his mind, loneliness already sinking deep into his bones. But Athena squeezes his wrist, “Why don’t you follow me home?” 

“Are you sure? I don’t want to be a bother.” 

Athena shakes her head, “Not possible. Come on, I’ll make us some dinner too. I’m sure May and Harry will be happy to see you.” 

As they get ready to leave, Buck lets Bobby pull him down into a proper hug. “Actually sleep tonight, Buckley.” 

He nods, “I’ll try.” 

Bobby gives him a nod and a small smile. He steps out of the room for a moment to let Athena and Bobby have a moment alone. He can hear their quiet voices and a minute or so later, Athena joins him in the hallway. 

She gives his shoulder a motherly squeeze, “Let’s go home.” 

[hmslusitania]

Prompt: AU to 2.01. during the workout scene Eddie brings up Abby and Buck feels hurt and betrayed that Chim would share his private life with basically a stranger. When Chim says Eddie’s cool Buck says he can be wary of the new guy who gets so comfortable right off the bat when Buck himself got hazed like crazy as a probie. When Chim says Abby’s not a big deal Buck turns to Eddie and asks if he found his abandonment amusing. Eddie feels horrible and Chim finally understands his screw up. Buddie

Hi Anon! I’m not 100% sure this will satisfy your prompt, for which I apologise. That said, in a longer fic I’m currently working on, this scene gets examined hardcore from both Buck and Eddie’s POV and I hope to post that fic soon, so if this does not quite do it, hopefully that will. All that said, I do hope you enjoy this:

--

The kid is like a brother to him, but good god. It’s only Eddie’s second shift and they haven’t even all clocked in yet, and Buck is already being a dick. Chimney sighs – on the inside – and keeps buttoning his shirt while Buck slams locker doors and Eddie just tries to change.

When Buck finally stomps out of the locker room, Eddie takes a second and then turns to Chim.

“So, is it just me, or…”

“Try not to take it personally,” Chim recommends. He likes Eddie, has liked him since they met. It’s nice to have another medic on the shift, even if Eddie isn’t certified as a paramedic like him and Hen. Bobby’s and Buck’s EMT certification is great and useful but sometimes that little bit of extra medical knowledge comes in handy.

“So he’s just a dick to everyone?” Eddie asks.

Chim sighs. “Nah,” he says. “He’s just – look, the kid’s got a heart of gold, he really does, and most of the time he’s the sweetest guy you’ll meet, like a giant 6’2 golden retriever, but his first serious girlfriend just dumped him and then ghosted him, and he’s been a bit…in a bad mood.”

Although, now that he thinks about it, Buck’s straight up denial about Abby having dumped him has kept his mood afloat well enough. Up until Eddie showed up at the 118. But Chimney can’t fathom how the two would be related.

Eddie nods like that makes sense and they continue getting ready for their shift.

Chimney does his best to stay out of Buck’s way for most of the morning. It’s only by coincidence he finds himself in the gym at the same time as Buck and Eddie. Buck, clearly trying to comfort himself with the hot firefighter calendar, starts taking selfies over by the bench press.

Chimney does not know why Eddie decides to start something.

“You’re in the wrong light, man,” Eddie says. Chim frowns. Light? For a selfie?

“Some of us don’t need lighting to look good,” Buck shoots back.

Chim glances at Buck, but he’s distracted by himself.

“Hey, Eddie? What did you mean by the wrong light?” Chim asks.

Eddie explains about warm side lighting as opposed to flat blue light, and shows off the pictures his niece had taken for him. Chimney doubts that most of the effect is just because of lighting. As he’d pointed out on Eddie’s first shift, that is a beautiful man.

Still, having well done photos can’t hurt.

“You think she’d be willing to take my pictures for me? I’m told I photograph like an Asian Fabio,” Chim says, which gets him a laugh from Eddie.

“Sure she would,” he says.

And then, of course, Hurricane Buck.

“You shouldn’t get his hopes up,” he says to Eddie, all glower. “No offence, Chim.”

Chimney isn’t sure how he’s supposed to take that as anything but offensive. But—

He’s got a heart of gold, Chim reminds himself. He’s got a goddamn heart of gold.

“None taken,” he says, heading back to his bench dips. “Evan.”

He gets maybe two reps in before he hears Eddie say, “Okay, man, what’s your problem?”

Chimney winces and looks over to see Buck getting up in Eddie’s face.

“Okay, you,” Buck says. Chimney frowns. Eddie? It really is personal? “You’re my problem. Your comfort level. You’re – you’re not supposed to just walk in here like you’ve been here for years. There’s supposed to be a getting-to-know-you period. You’re meant to respect your elders.”

That’s what Buck is pissed about?

“You’re not his elder, Buck,” Chim points out. As he says it, he realises he doesn’t actually know how old Eddie is. He’s been assuming due to his work history that he’s on the other side of thirty from Buck, but he doesn’t actually know.

“Look,” Eddie says. He sounds calm and rational, in complete contrast to Buck’s anger and irritation, which Chim takes as a good sign. “I in no way meant to, uh, be too familiar or step on anybody’s toes. I know you’re going through some personal stuff right now.”

Out of the corner of his eye, Chimney can see Buck flinch.

“What personal stuff?” he asks.

Whoops.

“I know your girlfriend recently broke up with you and you’re coming to terms with that,” Eddie says.

“No, I’m not,” Buck says. Which, points for honesty, Chim thinks. “And she didn’t break up with me. Who told you that?”

When they both turn to look at him, Chim tries to melt into his exercise equipment.

“I’m just saying, I hear you’re a good guy, and I’m sorry you’re going through pain but you don’t need to take it out on me,” Eddie says.

“I’m not in pain,” Buck snaps, wounded.

Chim doesn’t mean to heave a dramatic sigh, but it happens. Buck rounds on him.

“And why are you telling all of my personal shit to strangers?” Buck asks.

Chim winces. There are a lot of reasons – Eddie asked; Eddie is already a clear part of the team, not a stranger; because Chimney’s worried about him and gossip is how they deal with things at the 118; but he doesn’t think Buck’s in a mood to accept any of those.

“I asked if you were pissed at me or something else,” Eddie says. “And I’m sorry about your girlfriend, man, I know what it’s like to have someone you thought loved you disappear on you in the dead of night.”

Chimney stops doing his dips and turns to scan Eddie, concerned. But Eddie’s just looking at Buck.

“She didn’t – I drove her to the airport,” Buck says.

He sounds so damn small and vulnerable that despite how much of a dick he’s been recently, Chim kind of wants to just hug him. He’s spent so much of the past four months since Abby left acting like he was completely fine most of the time, and so they hadn’t really…

Well, they hadn’t been there for him. Bobby’s got his reasons, Chim knows, since Hen’s almost certainly right about the secret Bobby-Athena relationship going on in the background. But Chim and Hen could’ve done better.

“Look, man, all I can tell you is that staying in denial isn’t gonna help,” Eddie says. “You’re still gonna get the divorce papers in the mail eventually.”

“We weren’t—” Buck starts and Chimney almost jumps into the conversation to make sure Buck isn’t actually that stupid. “Oh.”

“Truce?” Eddie asks, taking off one of his boxing gloves and holding his hand out in Buck’s direction.

Buck swallows and, after a long, awkward moment, takes Eddie’s hand. “You’re still a probie.”

“I promise you, there is no worse hazing you can do to me than the guys in Afghanistan already did,” Eddie says.

Chimney wonders if he feels like eating those words later that night when Eddie and Buck get into an ambulance with a live grenade. Chim and Hen aren’t on the call with them, since they were already doing a transport from the previous call, but when they all get back to the station, something has clearly shifted between Buck and Eddie.

“You two idiots got in an ambulance with a live grenade?” Hen demands, hands on her hips. Chim has seen her deploy this expression at Denny before. It usually gets her immediate apologies and chagrin.

“Eddie was an army medic,” Buck says. “We were totally safe.”

“Until the ambulance exploded,” Eddie points out.

“Yeah, but we weren’t in it anymore,” Buck says, knocking his shoulder into Eddie’s while they sit at the kitchen counter together. Hen shakes her head slowly, like she can’t believe what she’s hearing. “And besides! We saved the patient.”

“Which is what matters,” Eddie adds.

Hen throws her hands up, exasperated. “I’m so glad there are two of you now.”

She stalks off and Chim watches while Buck and Eddie exchange bright smiles. Chim couldn’t say for sure, but he thinks the last time Buck smiled like that, he was talking to Abby. Which is certainly a development Chim didn’t see coming.

He finds Buck later in the bunks.

“Hey,” he says, knocking on Buck’s partition. Buck isn’t asleep, he’s just scrolling through his phone. “Got a sec?”

“Sure,” Buck says, sitting up and dropping his phone into his lap.

“I’m sorry about earlier,” Chim says. “Telling Eddie about Abby, I mean. I don’t think any of us really realised how much you’re still hurting over that.”

“I’m fine,” Buck says. It’s too quick, and just a bit too sharp to be genuine.

Chim just waits.

“I’m – I’ve – I’ve been single for four months, haven’t I?” Buck asks quietly.

“Yeah,” Chim says, because Eddie had pointed out, denial just hurts more.

“Great,” Buck says. He clears his throat a couple times like he’s trying to get rid of a blockage. Chimney takes that as an opportunity to clap him on the shoulder.

“You’ve still got your family,” Chim says. “By which I mean the 118, because as far as you’ve said, you may as well have sprung out of the ground fully formed.”

Buck snorts. “I’ve got a sister,” he says, which is the first biological family member Chimney has ever heard Buck mention. “Maddie. She’s actually sleeping on my couch right now.”

“God, a female Buck,” Chim says. “I can’t even imagine how terrifying that must be.”

Buck scoffs and elbows him. “She’s not like me at all. You might even like her. She’s basically the best person ever, just a heart of pure gold.”

Chimney doesn’t quite trust Buck’s judgement when it comes to his sister, but if he’s right, well…

“Certain shitty comments you’ve made recently aside, that sounds exactly like you, Buckaroo,” Chim says.

“Thanks, Chim,” Buck says and sounds like he means it. “And I’m sorry for being a dick.”

Chim nods and claps him on the shoulder again before turning to head back to his own bunk.

“Hey, Chim?”

Chimney pauses.

“Do you think Eddie’s—”

Chimney waits, but all Buck says is “never mind.”

Their next call isn’t until morning when they find a group of idiots who have cemented their friend’s head into a microwave. When the kid falls into a pool, Buck jumps in to save him without hesitation and Eddie is only a split second behind him.

Chim doesn’t think about it until they’re all back at the station and changing out for the end of shift, but he thinks that this particular level of drift compatibility between Buck and Eddie might be a bit of a dangerous thing.

When they’re all back in civvies, Eddie says goodbye to everyone and starts to leave, only for Buck to follow him out, calling, “Hey! Eddie! There’s a really great brunch place down the street if you want to grab something, maybe?”

Chim and Hen watch them go, and wait until they’ve both driven off – together, even if in separate vehicles – before commenting.

“They’re gonna give us all heart attacks, aren’t they,” Hen says, resigned.

“Oh yeah,” Chim agrees.

“At least Buck seems happier?” Hen asks.

“Small victories,” Chim replies. “I’ll see you on Thursday.”

“See you then,” she says, going back to cleaning her locker.

Chimney only makes it as far as the parking lot before he’s stopped dead in his tracks by a breathtakingly beautiful woman. He’s never been a poetry kind of guy, but he’s pretty sure he could wax poetic about the bright stars in her eyes for several days if pressed. It doesn’t hurt that she’s holding a large Tupperware of baked goods.

“How can I help?” Chim asks, swallowing his gum. There’s nowhere to spit it out and no way to do that in front of a pretty girl that doesn’t look tacky.

“I was actually looking for Evan Buckley,” she says. “I wanted to surprise him. He said he was having a kind of intense shift.”

Chimney feels an instant spike of envy, and then realises who she is.

“You must be Buck’s sister,” he says.

“I am,” she agrees. “Maddie Kendall. Well, Buckley, again, I guess.”

“I’m Chimney,” he says, offering her his hand to shake.

She balances the container of baked goods on one forearm and shakes his hand. “It’s nice to put a face to a name. Buck says you’re one of the best guys at the station.”

Chimney can’t help but smile at that. “That’s funny, I was just saying the same thing about him.”

Maddie laughs and Chimney is struck by the desire to make her laugh always.

He stands there, grinning at her like an idiot, for much longer than he should until Maddie finally says, “So, where would I find him?”

“Oh! Sorry! You just missed him,” Chimney says. “He already left for a brunch date with the probie.”

Maddie’s eyebrows lift, delighted. “A date?”

Chim shrugs. “I’m not sure either of them knows that part, but definitely.”

“How about I put these down somewhere and you tell me absolutely everything,” Maddie suggests, holding up the box of muffins.

“I don’t know if I should,” Chim says, showing her up the stairs to the loft where D shift are working on the coffee maker. “I kinda got in trouble for telling people things about him recently.”

“Mm, big sister’s prerogative,” Maddie says, happily accepting the cup of coffee Chimney offers her.

“Okay, but if he yells at me again, I’m blaming you,” Chimney says. He takes one of the muffins from the now open container and groans. So not only is she gorgeous and the best person ever by Buck’s estimation, she can also cook and she thinks Chimney is funny. “These are amazing.”

“Thank you,” Maddie says. “And I’m sure we can work something out about Buck re blame. So long as you dish.”

Chimney grins. “Deal.”

[0itmelex0]

nole + the scene when they all get high?

oh this... this is a treat

"Henrietta! Nole!"

They turned their heads towards the voice, slightly wobbling in place.

Hen's eyes lit up. "'Thena." Her arms swayed at her sides as she made her way over to Athena. "Oh, 'Thena, you smell like love. Doesn't she smell like love, Noles?"

Wrinkles formed over the bridge of his nose and in the outer corners of his eyes. "She really does, Hen." Nole rested his head against Hen's shoulder. "Reminds me of mia madre."

"Chimney!" Athena shouted over her shoulder. "Need you over here."

Nole furrowed his brows and tilted his head to the side. "Buckaroo." He walked on light clouds over to Buck. "Ope--" The clouds gave out from beneath him, but Buck caught Nole by his arms.

Laughter broke out between them. Looking at each other only made the laughter last longer.

"What are you doing?" said Nole.

"What are you doing, Nole?" Buck pursed his lips.

"Coming over here to find out what you're doing."

"Oh just. . . wandering." A snort left his nose as he tapped a finger on the tip of Nole's nose. "You know, all the colors make your face real cute, Nole."

"Pffft." He rolled his eyes. "You must be out of your mind, Buckweiser. The colors can't be changing me that much."

"Oh, my God, it's the brownies!" Chimney's eyes widen, holding onto Hen as she hugged him tight, before turning to Athena.

"Brownies?" She raised a brow.

"We got a new batch today." He patted Hen's back. "We've been getting a lot of stuff lately, especially since the earthquake."

"You guys eat that stuff?"

Buck rested his hands on Nole's shoulders. "Listen, Nole. I'm not sure if I've told you this, but I am so glad you're okay after the earthquake, especially after getting stuck."

"Yeah, y'did, Buck. As soon as I got out of there. How could you forget, silly?"

"No, no no. I mean, I am so glad you're okay. I was so worried, man. When you didn't respond over the radio. . . holy shit, I thought I was gonna cry. Like. . . all I could think about from the moment you didn't respond to when we got you out of there was you. You're legit one of the best things in my life right now. . . and you could have been gone." He sniffled after his voice went higher in pitch. "I didn't even say goodbye to you and just thinking about what if. . ."

"Evan, shush. I don't like seeing you cry. It makes the colors around you all sad, which makes me sad and feeling sad isn't fun." Nole stood on the tips of his toes, barely able to keep his balance, and held Buck's face in his hands. "I made it out of that building because of you. I'm here, seeing all these pretty colors and feeling great because of you. You saved me from not being able to walk on clouds and saved me from probably feeling real sad for a real long time."

Buck's hands fell down to the middle of Nole's back. "I guess I did."

"There's the Evan Buckley smile." Nole giggled. He pulled Buck's face down and pressed their lips together.

Nole was no longer on clouds, he was above them. The colors grew brighter and swirled around faster. His right foot barely touched the ground after Buck grabbed and pulled his left leg up to Buck's hip. Their bodies pressed together, with Buck holding Nole close.

"Not going anywhere, Buckles." Nole smiled proudly as he pulled away. He tapped Buck's nose with two fingers. "Boop!"

Athena and Chimney exchanged glances, then back over at the two members of the 118 laughing and holding onto each other.

Chimney pointed at Nole and Buck. "Did they just. . ."

Athena nodded. "Mhm."

[jay4firefic]

How Buck accidentally adopted a cat... (featuring Christopher Diaz)

“What’s with the sour face?” Buck asks, dropping into a chair at the kids’ table beside Christopher. The kid in question is still picking at his half eaten barbecue long after the other firehouse children have run off to play in the big backyard.

“Harry’s dad might let him get a pet.” Christopher stabs viciously at his pasta salad with his adaptive fork, only succeeding at scattering pieces in every direction. “My dad says we can’t have a pet and I’ve been asking for ages.”

“I’m sure your dad has a really good reason for saying you can’t get a pet.” Which for the life of him Buck can’t remember at the moment, despite the fact that he knows Eddie told him about Christopher’s crusade to get a dog just last week. He catches Eddie’s eye over the top of Christopher’s head and jerks his head in a silent come here.

“He says we don’t have time for a pet but that’s stupid.” Christopher’s fork clatters and scrapes across the plate again. “I have lots of time.”

“Well, buddy, taking care of a pet is a lot of work,” Buck says, slinging his arm around Christopher’s narrow shoulders. 

“How would you know, you don’t even have a pet.”

“Actually,” Buck pulls Christopher in a little closer and ruffles his hair, “I’ve got a cat. And she’s pretty high maintenance.”

For the first time since Buck sat down Christopher looks up at him. His furrowed brow is so clearly a scaled down version of what Buck thinks of as Eddie’s ‘what are you talking about, dumbass?’ expression that Buck nearly melts. “You don’t have a cat, Bucky. I’ve been to your house.”

“Yeah, Bucky,” Chimney sits down across from them in tandem with Eddie and steals a carrot stick off of Christopher’s plate. Eddie just watches Buck with a confused frown. “You don’t have a cat, unless something happened in the last 24 hours that you miraculously haven’t told us all about.”

“I’ve never told you about my cat?” Buck looks between three baffled expressions. He doesn’t talk about Chicago much for a variety of reasons, but he really never told them about the cat? “Huh. Well, I totally have a cat. When I moved to Los Angeles I left her in Chicago with my old roommate because,” he turns back to Christopher with a serious expression - or his best attempt at one, at least, “pets need stability and a lot of attention, and when I first moved here I wasn’t living somewhere I could give her that.”

Christopher scrunches up his nose in an adorable frown. “If she doesn’t live with you how is she still your pet?”

“I’m with the kid on this one. You’ve been in LA like three years, that’s not your cat anymore man.”

Buck steals another carrot from Christopher and throws it at Chimney, who catches it right before it can hit him between the eyes and pops it in his mouth instead. “Rude. She’s totally still my cat. I rescued her!”

“You rescued her?” Christopher’s eyes widen and yeah, Buck is starting to win him over.

“I did! I rescued her from a warehouse fire in Chicago. Here, let me…” Buck digs out his phone and starts scrolling through old Instagram posts until he gets back to 2016. When he finds the right picture he makes a triumphant noise and turns the phone toward Christopher, then Chim and Eddie. The screen is taken up by a photo of Buck, a half a decade younger and a little leaner, decked out in CFD gear, covered in soot and ash, and holding something that looks like a dirty rag. He scrolls to the next picture - a close up of the pitiful gray bundle peeking out the collar of his turnout coat that resolves into a singed and filthy cat. “See? I rescued her, she’s my cat.”

“That’s a pretty sad looking cat,” Eddie observes, and it’s truthful but Buck still squawks in protest.

“She was having a bad day, alright? She’s a beautiful lady.” He closes instagram, opens his messages and finds the most recent one from Casey. Stupid Cat still misses you, and a picture of Kelly asleep on the couch in a pool of sunlight with a black and white cat curled up on his bare chest. Buck used to spend lazy mornings in the exact same position. “See?”

He startles and nearly drops the phone when Athena lets out a low whistle and leans in over his shoulder. “Are we supposed to be looking at the cat or that man, Buckaroo?”

Both, Buck thinks, even as he scoffs at her. Christopher provides a convenient distraction by tugging on his arm and demanding to know the cat’s name, his frown replaced by a grin that could light up a Christmas tree. Crisis averted. “Uh, her name is...Cat, actually,” he laughs, rubbing at the back of his neck.

Now it’s Athena’s turn to scoff. “You named your cat Cat?”

“Well, uhm…” Buck briefly has a whole different crisis on his hands trying to figure out how to tell that story without giving too much away. “My roommate said if we named her we’d get attached and have to keep her, so he insisted on just calling her Cat until we found her a new home. And then we...never found her a new home. Kinda hard to rehome something with three and a half legs and one eye, y’know? By the time he gave up and admitted she was ours it was too late to change it.”

He had tried for weeks, surfing baby name websites on his phone over breakfast or while lounging around the house and calling her by anything that caught his interest. At the end of the day he was always still calling for Cat, though, and Kelly had never stopped adding Stupid as a prefix. 

“Looks like your roommate ended up getting pretty attached himself,” Chim observes as Buck flips to a different picture - a selfie of a grumpy-looking Kelly with bedhead, holding a mug to his lips while Cat balances precariously on his bare shoulders.

“Does that man own any shirts?” Athena asks. 

Buck elects to ignore her and answer Chimney. “Severide will never admit it, but he loves the Stupid Cat. I was gonna go back for her once I got settled, but…” He shrugs. He wasn’t ready to face Kelly without the distance provided by a phone line at first, and then it had just seemed cruel to separate them. He had always meant to return to Chicago, to 51 and home, someday anyway. That someday had just started getting further and further away once he got attached to everyone at the 118. “She’s got a pretty cushy life in Chicago, and lots of people to take care of her. Here it would just be me, and like I said,” he looks down at Christopher again, “pets are a lot of work. It wouldn’t be fair to her.”

“Can I meet her someday?” Chris asks, because he always knows just how to pull on Buck’s heartstrings. 

“I don’t know, buddy. Maybe someday. For now I’ll see if K-” he catches himself, smooths it into, “Casey and Severide can send me some videos to show you. How does that sound?”

“Okayyyyy,” Christopher agrees with a put upon sigh. 

A few minutes later he finally gets up and joins the rest of the kids at play, and Buck has to uncurl himself from the uncomfortably small chair. Eddie bumps their shoulders together while Buck is still trying to shake feeling back into his feet. “Good distraction, but you realize he’s gonna be asking you for pictures all the time now, right?”

Buck shrugs and jostles Eddie in return. “That’s fine, I’ve got plenty.”

[crazybagelbitch]

The 5 times Chim bolted in a pole slide, and the one time he stayed strong. LOL. Or something along these lines. ALL THE POLE SLIDING PLEASE.

...you’re welcome

1.

He realizes he’s babbling on and on about the Buckley family secret when it’s too late to try and recover and convince his coworkers he’s talking about something other than his girlfriend’s family’s complicated mess. A secret dead brother, really? And he’s just not supposed to tell? Okay then, he’ll do his best for Maddie because he understands why she hasn’t told Buck about it but that doesn’t change the fact that he’s terrible at keeping secrets.

“I-I have to go,” he stammers out, realizing that the situation cannot be salvaged. 

Really, taking the stairs would have made more sense than going down the pole, but well, he wasn’t exactly thinking clearly at that point.

2.

The next time it happens, it’s a deliberate choice to use the fire pole because he wants out of that situation as quickly as possible.

“I mean, Hen, what’s the point of going to medical school at this point in your life?”

“At this point in my life? Are you calling me old, Buck? Really, do women stop having value after age 30, is that what you’re saying?”

“No, I just-- Chimney, help me out here.”

“You make your bed, you lay in it, Buckaroo,” he shakes his head, before running towards the pole to yeet himself the fuck out of there.

3.

He’s not even paying attention this time, is the thing. He’s reading a baby book and trying not to panic about how complicated newborn living breathing things are when all the sudden a glass is being slammed down on the table. He snaps his head up, wondering who is mad at who this time. His guess is Hen being mad at Buck again but this time, it’s Eddie who’s pissed.

But he’s right about the someone being angry at Buck thing.

“You friended Ana on Facebook, Buck? And started messaging her? You haven’t even met her in person yet!”

“Hey! I can’t see her in person because of COVID, and I have to get to know my best friend’s girlfriend somehow. She seems great, by the way. Absolutely lovely, and she shared a great muffin recipe with me.”

“You know, you could have just asked to facetime her with me at work one day, not gone behind my back and interrogated her like you were Athena and she was accused of the bank heist this time.”

“Interrogation is a strong word, Eddie. You can just tell a lot about a person by what time they eat dinner in the evening.”

Chimney can’t help the snort of laughter that erupts from him but clearly, Eddie isn’t a fan of it.

“You think this is funny, Chim?”

“I, uh, no?”

“Then why are you laughing?”

And down the pole again he goes.

4.

The fourth time it happens, it almost turns out horribly.

He’s lying on the couch, more than a little out of it as he waits for Maddie to come bring him home from work because God knows he couldn’t drive himself in this state. He’s a little uh, high, from the wonderful painkiller injection Hen had given him after he dislocated his ankle and she had to shove it back into place.

Oh earthquake aftershocks, you’re a little bitch.

“You having fun there?” Hen laughs, ruffling his hair, “maybe I gave you a little too much of the good stuff given that you’ve been staring at the wall for twenty minutes now.”

“Its’a pretty wall, Hen.”

“Yeah, definitely too much,” Bobby laughs and the rest of his coworkers quickly join in.

“Mean!” Chimney whines, trying to clap his hands together but completely missing, “workplace bullying.”

“No one’s bullying you, Chim,” Hen cackles, “just observing. So you just relax and enjoy--”

“Bullying!” he protests, bursting into tears from the drugs as he stumbles to his feet and then hobbles towards the pole.

“No, no, no, Chim no!” Buck protests, getting up from his seat and sprinting towards Chimney but his drugged up friend manages to get there just in the nick of time.

There’s a horrified silence upstairs before the sound of two feet clumsily hitting the ground.

“M’alive, guys!”

5.

Chimney, bags under his eyes after being up every two hours with his two month hold, shows Eddie a picture of Jee-Yun.

“Wow, she’s adorable. When are you and Maddie going to have the next one?”

Yep, right down the fire pole.

+1.

“Hey, Chim? Can we talk?”

The voice of his girlfriend breaks him out of his reverie and he’s up on his feet immediately. She sounds nervous and he hadn’t been expecting her, so a million worst case scenarios immediately fill his mind.

“What’s wrong? Are you okay? Is Jee-Yun okay?”

“Oh, no, please don’t freak out,” she sighs, “we’re both-- neither of us are sick or hurt. It’s okay, Howie. Here, hold her.”

Confused but compliant, he dutifully takes their nine month old from her arms and bounces her gently.

“Maddie, what’s going on? I know you said not to freak out but you seem freaked out and it’s freaking me out.”

“Can we go somewhere more private?”

“Sure, but you’re not breaking up with me, right? Because if you’re breaking up with me then--”

“I’m not breaking up with you,” she shakes her head, “it’s okay, just--”

“What? Are you pregnant again, Mads?” Buck asks, completely joking but both of them pick up on the look on Maddie’s face and realize that, in fact, Buck has hit the nail on the head.

“You’re pregnant?” he whispers, clutching at Jee-Yun anxiously because she’s perfect and maybe the more the merrier but he and Maddie hadn’t been planning to have another baby.

“I am,” she nods, “I-I didn’t mean to tell you in front of Buck but he... he guessed it so.”

He has to admit, with the rest of the 118 silently watching this all play out with amused looks on their faces, he looks over at the pole for a quick second. But he decides against it because one, Jee-Yun is in his arms, and two, Maddie might actually break up with him if he does.

“Come on,” he sighs, putting a hand on her back, “let’s go talk away from the peanut gallery.”

He takes the stairs instead.

[rafael-silva]

Really fast. Or so agonizingly slow.

For @buckleystrand! Someone write a ficlet for me where the team rushes to save Buck after he threw up blood in Bobbys backyard because I don’t have time for it but I wanna read it haha, please?! (❁´◡`❁) | I hope you like it!

Angst, hurt/comfort, team as family, buddie feels! 

It all happened really fast. Or so agonizingly slow. Depending on who you ask, Buck or Bobby.

One moment, Buck was thanking Bobby from the bottom of his heart for being by his side. And then Bobby went to lighten the mood, making Buck laugh.

But the laugh was caught in the blond’s chest, a cough taking over instead. He tried to control the series of coughs that followed, each one cutting through his words. Buck began to stumble backwards, the harsh coughing fit knocking his balance off. And it just kept getting worse and worse.

All conversations around Buck and Bobby died down, the collective attention traveling to Buck and the state he was in. Everyone’s faces scrunched up in worry and concern; Eddie and Karen’s conversation had trailed off, Athena begins making her way towards her husband and his surrogate son, Maddie’s hand is clutching at her chest, as she frantically looks at her little brother, not knowing yet what’s happening.

And with one more cruel cough into his hand, Buck lifts up his arm to see specks of red and crimson running down his skin.

“Buck?” Bobby frowns.

And then the Captain watches in horror as a large amount of blood spills from Buck’s mouth.

Pain, fear and confusion all mix together in the young man’s blue irises as his vision blurs. His chest hurts, it hurts so much. It’s so tight, and he can’t breathe. He can’t breathe.

He’s knocked completely off balance, hearing Bobby yell, “Buck!” as gravity pulls him down towards the Earth.

It’s chaos from that moment. Everyone springs into action and Bobby is kneeling next to Buck in two long strides, Athena hovering over him.

“Oh my God, Buck!” Bobby hears Eddie say as he quickly reaches his best friend’s side.

“The kids,” Eddie looks over his shoulder at Karen.

“I’ve got them, I’ll take them inside the house,” Karen replies, already walking to where the kids were, all watching but not quite understanding what’s happening.

Then Hen, Chimney and Maddie are all crowded around Buck.

Tears have already begun pooling in Maddie’s eyes at the sight of seeing her brother hurt, again, and she wishes she could just gather him up in her arms and keep him there forever, where he’s safe.

“Someone call 911!” Eddie yells, now crouching by Buck’s head, and he can’t help running a hand through Buck’s soft, short strands.

“Hen! Chim!” Bobby calls and then Chim is pressing his fingers to Buck’s neck.

“His heart is racing,” Chim says.

“His breathing is slow and shallow,” Hen adds after placing a hand near Buck’s mouth and nose. “I think he’s having a Pulmonary Embolism.”

“Come on, Buck, hold on,” Eddie breathes out, trying to remain calm but he’s losing it inside.

“Turn him on his side, to clear his airway,” Maddie says from above, finally finding her voice to speak. “There could be blood in his throat, which makes breathing harder.”

“Gently,” Bobby instructs as he, Chim and Eddie work in unison to turn Buck on his left side.

Eddie places both hands on either side of Buck’s head, stabilizing him as they turn him. He still runs his fingers through Buck’s hair, and adds a soft brush of his thumb to Buck’s clean shaven cheek.

“Hang on, Buck,” Eddie repeats, hoping beyond hope the taller man can hear him.

“Help is on the way, Buckaroo,” Hen speaks.

“Where’s the damn ambulance?” Eddie howls, frustration coating his voice.

He can’t lose Buck. He can’t. Seeing Buck pinned under that truck and feeling so helpless to help him, it tore at Eddie’s heart, and it hurt, it hurt so much seeing Buck in pain. And all Eddie could do was hold Buck’s hand and reassure him. Tell him everything was going to be okay and that they’ll get him out from under that truck. And now, that feeling of helplessness was starting to wash over Eddie once again, and he hated it. With every fiber of his being, he hated it.

And hasn’t Buck already been through so much?

God, Eddie just wanted to take Buck’s pain away.

With a raged breath, Buck’s body suddenly jerks and for a second, Eddie thinks Buck is having a seizure.

But a second later, Eddie is met with windblown blue eyes, filled with panic.

“Hey, hey, Buck,” Eddie immediately says, his brown eyes glued to Buck’s. “It’s okay, it’s okay, you’re okay,” he rushes to reassure his best friend. “I need you to take slow breaths, okay? Can you do that for me?”

Buck didn’t really know what was happening, but Eddie is right there, and that helped settle the anxiety in his chest a little. He does as Eddie asks, as best as he can.

“That’s it, querido. That’s it, I’m right here,” Eddie continues, calming down his own voice so he doesn’t spook Buck even more.

One of Eddie’s hands moves to rest on Buck’s chest, and Buck automatically reaches for Eddie’s hand, gripping it tightly, as tightly as his body will allow.

“Hang in there, Buck,” Bobby says.

“They’re here, the EMTs are here,” Athena announces with a relieved sigh. Everyone moves out of the way, except for Eddie; mostly because Buck is still holding his hand and well, Eddie doesn’t move. He doesn’t think he can move.

No one comments, as Hen quickly relays information to the EMTs and they start work on Buck, covering his face with an oxygen mask and saying they’ll connect and IV en route to the hospital.

They all work together to move Back onto the backboard and on the gurney, pushing him through the backward to the front of the house.

Eddie gives Buck’s hand a squeeze. “I’ll see you at the hospital, okay?”

Buck slowly nods, reluctantly letting go of Eddie’s hand.

Eddie, Hen, Chim and Athena watch as Maddie and Bobby jog next to the gurney, disappearing around the house.

Everyone is silent, aside from Eddie’s harsh breathing.

“He’s going to be okay,” Chim looks over at Eddie.

Eddie can’t speak so he settles for a nod, the pit in his stomach still wide and hot.

He looks down at his own hands to discover that they’re smeared with Buck’s blood. And Eddie has to close his eyes to slow down his breathing and kick down his heart rate.

He then grabs a tissue and does his best to wipe the blood, and goes looking for Chris. He finds Karen and all the kids inside the living room.

“Christopher,” Eddie goes to his son, wrapping him up in a hug.

“Dad,” Chris replies. “What happened?”

Eddie swallows.  “Buck isn’t feeling the best right now, so he had to go to the hospital.”

Chris’s eyes go wide.

“It’s okay, mijo, he’s going to be fine,” Eddie quickly says. “But I do need to go see him there.”

“Can I come?”

“Aw, buddy, not right now. But when Buck is better, you can visit him,” Eddie promises. “But Karen will stay with you and I’ll see you in a few hours.”

Chris nods.

“Okay,” Eddie kisses the top of Chris’s head. “Love you.”

“Love you, too,” Chris replies.

“Eddie, come on,” Chim waves for him.

Eddie, Chim, Hen and Athena exit the house where Bobby is already getting in his truck and turning on the ignition.

They all pile into the car and Bobby drives off to the hospital.

[bisexualbuck]

The one where the 118 actually take Buck sleeping with his therapist seriously! It’s statutory rape! She was in a poster of power and therefore he felt pressured into consent

[Read on AO3]

Full story under read more (tw past sexual abuse, panic attack, self-blaming)

There are days Buck wishes he could take his brain out of his skull and wash it away of all the things that haunt him.

On days like this, he presses the palms of his head against his eyes, hard, as if it could erase the images dancing in his memory.

It doesn’t work. He sees it all.

He sees the people he has lost, the ones he couldn’t save and those who walked away.

He feels the pain from the truck crushing on his leg, the cold harsh sensation of the asphalt against his face.

He hears the rushing of the waves, taking Christopher away.

He tastes his own blood down his throat, coughing up his lungs, a phantom sensation he never shook away.

He smells her perfume. Thick, flowery – it makes him retch.

Why does he remember her perfume? Every time he smells anything like it, he wants to throw up, he wants to rush in the shower and try to wash away the stink of it.

Why can’t he move on?

He’s had sex with countless people over the years, especially back in his Buck 1.0 days, so why does that encounter remain? Why does it make him sick?

Why does he feel so ashamed?

.

The first person he talks to about it is Maddie.

“Therapy really is helping me,” she says. “I think it’d help you too.”

The same sick feeling that he gets every time someone mentions him going to therapy returns. He  hides his hands under his legs so that his sister does not notice how much he is shaking.

“I don’t think so, Mads.”

“Come on, Buck. Everyone else goes to therapy, you don’t think it’s not helping them? You see horrible things every day, and you’ve been through so much this past year alone. You need to talk to a professional about all that.”

“No, Maddie,” he snaps. “It won’t help.”

She startles at his outburst and he bows his head down, ashamed, tired just from that.

“I’m sorry.”

“Buck. What’s going on?”

He wants to run away but this burden is so heavy and his sister has only ever wanted to help him. Maybe she will be able to tell him why he can’t forget, maybe she can tell him how to move on.

“I can’t go back to therapy,” he whispers, keeping his eyes down.

“Why?”

It’s gentle, patient. It gives him the courage to go on.

“Last time I went – ” he gulps down. Images of the last time he was in therapy surge to his mind, he closes his eyes wiling them away, uselessly.

“You can tell me anything, Evan. I’m always here.”

“I slept with my therapist.”

He doesn’t see her, but he feels her freeze. Bile rises up in his throat and he tries his best to swallow it down.

“Buck,” she breathes out.

There it comes. The disappointment. The judgment. He curls up, readying himself for it.

It never comes.

“I’m so sorry, Buck.”

He snaps his eyes back to her in shock. Sorry? What for? He does not understand, he was the one to mess up, he was the one who couldn’t control himself.

Buck, always the one to do the wrong thing, always the one to mess everything up.

“Evan, listen to me,” Maddie says, urgent, desperate but kind, always kind. “This isn’t your fault.”

“Yes, it is, I shouldn’t have – ”

“Buck, no.”

Why is he crying? Why is it so hard to breathe?

“She assaulted you.”

“No. No, that’s not what happened.”

His entire body is shaking, he can’t breathe at all anymore, he wants to run away, he wants to scratch his skin raw and forget the feel of her hands on him.

“You need to breathe, Evan. Look at me, it’s alright, I’ve got you. Breathe with me.”

It takes him the longest time to get his breathing back, and when he does, he falls into the open arms of his sister, crying the tears he never allowed himself to shed. She never lets go of him, whispering sweet nothings in his ears, and for the first time in a very long time, he feels fully safe.

.

Nothing changes at first.

Maddie does not bring it up again, but she makes sure he knows that she is there for him, that she is on her side.

Assaulted.

She thinks Buck was assaulted.

The word makes his skin crawl with shame. He could have said no, he didn’t say no, he must have wanted it.

That day is a blur. He remembers crying in her office, the helplessness of watching Devon let go still clinging to him. He remembers her coming to sit next to him.

And her perfume. He could never forget her perfume.

.

Buck is not sure how it gets brought up.

He has spent the last few days since his confession to Maddie obsessing over it.

Assaulted.

She assaulted you.

All the emotions that he is not able to name threaten to choke him. He is losing sleep, losing himself to this whirlwind of despair, shame, anger and so much more.

Holding it in take too much of him.

One day, he breaks.

The team is together on the couch, watching a show Buck hasn’t been paying attention to. It’s a slow day, as slow as a day can be for firefighters in Los Angeles.

Buck feels restless.

He looks at his team and can’t help the thought – what would they say if they knew? Would they laugh it off, make a jest at Buck’s old sex-addict days?

Would they say the same as Maddie?

It hits him, and he can’t shake the thought away. He has to know.

“If your therapist, if you were in a therapy session,” the words don’t come easy, he has to look away from his friends, unable to hold their curious gaze. “If your therapist slept with you during a session. Would it be assault?”

There’s a pause.

“Why do you ask that, Buck?” Hen asks with such gentleness Buck feels he could shatter with it.

“Would you say that’s assault?” he repeats instead, frantic.

He is looking right at her now, terrified of her answer. Which would he rather? Is there any answer that would bring him peace?

“Yes,” she says, her eyes sad. “Yes, I would say it’s assault.”

“Oh.”

He looks down at his hands. They are shaking again, but he can’t feel it. He can’t feel anything. He is empty, emptied out by that answer.

It sounds so obvious to her. She did not even hesitate.

She assaulted you.

“Buckaroo,” Bobby tries, voice low like he is afraid Buck might flee.

He might. He wants to. It’s too heavy. He does not know what to do with this reality. He wants to laugh it off, change the subject, bury the memory deep enough that he can never reach it again.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Buck shakes his head at Chim’s question. He can’t.

“We’re here for you.”

“Don’t.”

Anger. All he can feel is anger. Anger at himself for letting himself into that situation, anger at his team for being so compassionate.

Just – anger, hot and burning and red.

“It’s not possible,” he all but shouts. “I didn’t say no, I didn’t push her away. I was just there and I let it happen, and when she asked me not to tell anyone, I didn’t. This isn’t it. I – no.”

His chest is heaving with the breaths that his lungs won’t take. Hell. No. None of this can be real, this isn’t happening. This didn’t happen.

“Buck.”

Helpless, he turns to Eddie – his lifeline, his rock, his all.

“Tell me,” he begs.

“It’s okay,” Eddie says. “You did nothing wrong.”

“Eddie, please.”

“She was in a position of power. You were vulnerable. She took advantage of you.”

A sob escapes Buck. He reaches to Eddie who reaches right back, without any hesitation.

Held close by the love of his life, surrounded by the family that he has chosen for himself, Buck lets himself grieve, at last. He lets himself cry, be vulnerable because he knows that he is safe.

.

Buck files a formal complaint against Dr Wells.

His testimony opens up the dam.

Twenty-three more men come forward.

.

Every single step of the way, Buck is supported.

Be it Maddie, or the team or Athena, Buck is shown support in more ways that he could have ever dreamed of.

But it’s Eddie who keeps him afloat. Eddie who drives him to therapy and who holds him afterwards. Eddie who calms him down from his nightmares.

Buck never thought he could be so loved one day, and now he is. Eddie and Christopher have given him what he has always wanted – a home.

It will be a long road to recovery but Buck is strong, and he is not alone.

[datleggy]

But to piggy back on your other anon, Christopher, Harry, or Denny brings home a bad grade on a report card and one of the parents are talking about it and Buck over hears and just freaks out because he doesn't want the kids to get the same punishments that he had growing up, queue horrified realization.

Good People. Bad Parents.

tw: abuse 

Buck comes limping out of the lockers, freshly bathed, hair still wet and curly at the ends, a complete turnaround from earlier, when he’d jumped down into the sewers for a rescue mission.

“How’s the leg?” Bobby meets him halfway and despite Buck’s insistence that he’s just fine, the Captain helps him get over to the lounge, where he can sit and rest comfortably.

“I’m good.” It was just his ankle, after all, nothing too bad. Not as bad as falling face first into the filthy sewer water when the unmaintained ladder he was climbing down decided to snap in two. The drop hadn’t been too far down, thankfully, and Buck had come out of it relatively unscathed, save for a twisted ankle and some minor scrapes and bruises.

“Give it here.” Eddie gently raises Buck’s injured leg so that it’s resting atop his lap and places a cool ice pack over the inflamed ankle.

Buck hisses at the cold but doesn’t complain, letting Eddie take care of him.

Chim leans over with an alcohol swab and starts disinfecting all the little cuts and bruises on the side of Buck’s face and his elbows. “Stay still.”

Buck whines. “But it stings.”

Bobby rolls his eyes, smiling at the bickering. “Chim, be nice.”

Buck sticks his tongue out at Chim and Eddie laughs at the indignant look on his face. Hen joins the crew a few moments later, having hung up the phone with her wife, sighing as she sit down.

“Everything alright?” Bobby asks, tilting his head curiously at the sour look on her face.

“Denny stuck a piece of gum in his hair at school today.” she huffs out an irritated breath. “Karen’s pissed. She had to take him to get it cut out, it was so glued in there.”

Chim’s eyes go wide. “God, not the hair.”

“She’s gonna send me photos later, I don’t even want to see.” Hen shakes her head. “He’s in big trouble when I get home, though, you can be sure of that.”

Eddie grimaces in sympathy with her. “I don’t know what I’d do if Christopher did that. Abuela is obsessed with his hair---she’d be devastated.”

“Hey, Buck, you alright?” Bobby asks, noticing how stiff Buck has gone since the start of their conversation. Pale, too. Did he manage to catch something, trudging down there in the sewers today?

Buck blinks, “Huh?” he shakes his head. “Yeah, yeah, um,” he turns back to look at Hen, his brows knitted together in concern. “He’s just a kid, I’m sure he’s sorry.”

Hen scoffs. “He’s sure as hell gonna be; I’ve told that boy a million times to stop playing with gum, I don’t even know where he got some.”

“I mean, it’s just hair,” Buck gulps, “It’ll grow back.”

Chim shrugs. “Maybe it’s cause I don’t have kids of my own yet, but I gotta say, I agree with Buckaroo here. What’s the big deal?”

“We’re lucky he stuck that gum in his hair and not a classmates.” Hen groans. “If you let ‘em get away with the small stuff later on it’s mayhem, trust me.”

Eddie nods in agreement. “I remember I cut my sister’s hair into these ugly ass bangs when I was around Christopher’s age. It was right before picture day, too, I was grounded for like a month.”

Buck looks at him, surprised. “Just grounded? I would have gotten the hard side of the belt for something like that. Or at least made to sleep outside.”

Chim balks. “Wait, back up, your parents made you sleep outside?”

Eddie almost loses his grip on the ice pack. “And did you say the hard side of the belt?”

Buck stares at the both of them like they’re the ones who aren’t making any sense. “Well, yeah, duh.” he shrugs. “They were strict. It wasn’t that bad. Like, if I got a bad grade at school I had to sleep outside and skip dinner or something. It wasn’t always the belt.”

“They wouldn’t let you eat?” Bobby can feel his pulse skyrocketing, he’s so mad.

“No, but that’s only if I messed up in school.” Buck reasons, confused by the abject horror on everyone’s faces.

Hen is reeling. “Buck, that’s not---wait, even in the winter? They would make you sleep outside then?” 

“No, of course not.” Buck denies. “They’d just make me sleep in the basement. It was still pretty cold and they’d get mad if I tried to turn on the lights, so it was kind of scary,” he admits, “But still way better than sleeping in the snow.” the way Buck says that, sounds like he’s talking from experience.

“Buck, is that why you don’t want me to punish Denny?” she asks, soft.

“Denny’s a good kid.” Buck insists, biting his bottom lip nervously. He was a rambunctious, loud and frankly, annoying kid, he deserved everything he got. “He doesn’t deserve to get punished.”

“Neither did you.” Bobby interrupts firmly. “Buck, I think Hen meant she was going to ground him, or maybe take away a toy he likes to play with, right?”

Hen nods. “Of course. Buck, I would never hurt Denny or punish him unfairly.” she reassures him. “What your parents did to you was not ok. You know that, don’t you?”

Buck shakes his head. “I wasn’t exactly the easiest kid to deal with.”

“No kid is.” Eddie retorts. He wants to take a plane to Hershey and have a talk with the Buckleys. “That doesn’t mean you put your hands on them or kick them out of your fucking house, Buck.” 

Buck shakes his head again. “They didn’t actually kick me out, look, just forget I said anything.” He ignores the pain in his ankle and the chorus of people calling after him as he makes him way to the bunks, where he can rest in peace. They have no idea what they’re talking about.

His parents were good people. He was just a bad son.

That’s all there is to it.

---------------------------------------------------------

It’s quiet in the station when Bobby finds Buck in the kitchen, looking for leftovers. He’d fallen asleep and consequently missed dinner earlier. 

“I saved you a plate, go sit, I’ll heat it up for you.” Bobby says.

“You don’t have to, I can---”

“I want to. Now go, let me do this for you.” Bobby leads an unsteady Buck to the stool and makes him sit and take pressure off of his swollen ankle.

Buck rests his elbows on the table and leans forward. “It wasn’t that bad.”

Bobby turns around, “I’m here if you ever want to talk. You know that, right?”

Buck huffs, frustrated. “You’re not listening. I don’t want to talk, I don’t need to talk, because it really wasn’t that bad. They were a little strict, it’s not a big deal.”

“Buck, if Harry got a bad grade at school, would it be ‘no big deal’ if I decided it was fine to let him sleep outside for the night, just to teach Harry a lesson? Would it be ok for me to hit him with my belt or make him go to bed hungry?”

“No, but that’s different, Harry’s not---” Buck stops, his fists clenched on the counter top. “He’s not a bad kid...” he finishes, in an almost whisper.

Bobby walks over and rests a hand on Buck’s shoulder. “Neither were you.”

“You don’t know that.” Buck argues, though the fight is gone. 

“I do. Because I know the kind of man you are now, and that’s a good one. One I’m proud to have on my team.”

Buck bites his lip, looks up through suspiciously wet lashes at Bobby, unsure. “You are?”

“Buck, I know I don’t say it a lot, but you’re important to me and I love you.” he squeezes the shoulder under his palm. “And I’m here for you, son. We all need help sometimes, and according to what a very smart young man once told me, all you have to do is ask.”

Buck’s face crumbles and Bobby is there to wrap him in his arms before Buck can fully utter the word help.

He holds Buck tightly, one hand at the back of his head, pulling him in so that Buck’s cheek can rest on his shoulder. “You’re so good Buck. You deserve good things.”

Buck lets out a convulsive little gasp; he’s trying hard not to outright sob but Bobby’s not making this easy. He doesn’t want to risk waking everybody else up. Partly because he’s embarrassed, but mostly because he’d like just a few more minutes of this. Of being able to soak up the warmth of Bobby’s affection.

Eventually Buck forces himself to pull away, swiping at his eyes surreptitiously. “I’m ok.”

Bobby looks skeptical at best, but doesn’t say anything. Instead he takes the leftover food out from where it’s been warming in the oven and serves Buck a hearty plate. They sit together in companionable silence, Buck’s chewing the only sound. He only eats about half the plate, but it’s better than nothing, Bobby thinks, as he takes the rest and wraps it up to put it in the fridge.

“Thanks Cap.” Buck stands up, looking lost, torn between wanting to go back to bed and maybe hitting the gym. He doesn’t quite want to go to sleep just yet. But he knows if he makes too much noise this late at night he’ll risk waking up the rest of the 118.

Bobby sees right through him. “Come on, sit with me a while, I’m not tired yet.”

Buck limps over to the couch, huffing when he sits. “You don’t hafta stay up with me.”

Bobby turns on the TV, the volume low enough that they’d have to strain their ears to really hear anything. “How else am I supposed to figure out what types of forks I should be buying for the kitchen?” he nods at the infomercial playing.

Buck rolls his eyes, trying to hide his smile. “You can’t buy those. They’re so ugly.” he plays along.

“I don’t know,” Bobby counters. “The lime green really pops. Do you think Athena would let me get a set for the house?”

Buck laughs, softly. “I’d pay money to see you try.”

------------------------------------------------

Eddie wakes up before five in the morning and the first thing he does is check on Buck’s bunk, only for it to be empty. 

He panics for a moment before realizing the Captain’s bed is empty too.

Eddie quietly makes his way to the lounge area. He finds Buck and Bobby on the couch, sound asleep. Buck’s head is on Bobby’s lap, and Bobby’s hand is resting right over his shoulder and forearm, fingers grazing Buck’s chest.

Eddie breathes out a sigh of relief.

Buck is going to be ok.

They’ll make sure of it.

[ponykidcurtis]

Brownie Points

yes this is more than a week late but who cares, here’s 911 week day five: “it’s okay, you can cry” + comfort

also on AO3

on my way (1:19 pm)

should I bring something? (1:20 pm)

The incoming texts ping in rapid succession just as Athena is finishing wiping down the table, and she knows it’s Buck without having to look. She’d invited him over for lunch after his shift, with an ulterior motive in mind—Bobby had come to her last night complaining that something was bothering Buck, but he wouldn’t open up about it. Bobby, being Bobby, hadn’t pushed it. But Athena knows he’s worried, and she’ll admit that she is too; so if he won’t pry it out of Buck, she’ll have to do it herself. Athena drops her cloth back on the counter and wipes off her hands, before reaching for the phone.

I’ve got it covered. See you soon :) (1:21 pm)

She double checks, just to make sure. There’s the chicken salad Buck loves enough to take thirds of, a few beers in the fridge of the kind he likes, and to top it all off—a double batch of brownies, fresh baked, because she knows how to handle a man with a sweet tooth. All in all, the perfect recipe for getting the kid to spill his guts. 

Not even ten minutes later, Athena spots the jeep pulling into her driveway. She finishes up with setting the table for two, and then heads for the door, straightening a cushion on the couch on her way by. She reaches it just as the doorbell rings, and swings it open wide to let Buck in. 

“Hey, ‘Thena,” he greets. She notes that he’s holding a bottle of wine, because even if it’s only lunchtime, Maddie had finally drilled into him that one should never show up empty handed; even if Athena had reminded him there was no need. She smiles warmly at him.

“Come on in.” Athena lets him step past her, closing the door after him and turning to lead him into the house. “How was your shift?”

“Pretty quiet, actually,” Buck answers, as Athena reaches to take the wine from him. “Couple of minor calls, but nothing major.” 

“That’s a first,” Athena jokes. 

It’s small talk, light and easy. Buck launches into a story of a call from an hour or so before, while Athena gets to work dishing out the chicken salad. There’s an undercurrent of tension in his voice, like he knows what she’s really after, but his face lights up when he spots the food so she lets him eat. Lets him talk. And then, when she passes him a beer and he pauses for a sip, she pounces. 

“Alright, Buckaroo, what’s going on?”

Buck chokes on his beer and sputters out a cough. “What?”

“Bobby’s not exactly subtle,” Athena says, “and he’s worried about you. So you want to tell me what’s on your mind?”

Buck hesitates. He fidgets with the tab on his beer and avoids her gaze. 

“It’s really nothing, Athena,” he sighs, “my parents are coming to the baby shower, and we don’t have a great track record. That’s all. It’s fine, there’s nothing to worry about.” 

Athena raises an eyebrow at him. “Forgive me if I have a hard time believing that.”

“No, I—ugh,” Buck huffs. “They just weren’t around a lot, when I was a kid. And when they were, we—we just fight, a lot, and I don’t want to ruin Maddie’s party with an argument.” 

“That doesn’t sound like nothing,” Athena says gently. “This is really bothering you, huh?”

Buck sniffles. 

“Oh, honey,” Athena says, and Buck just crumbles. She stands immediately and crosses over to where he’s sitting, trying to hastily wipe away the tears that have started welling up.

“This is stupid, I don’t even know why I’m crying—” 

“Shh, it’s okay, you can cry,” she soothes, pulling him into a hug and tucking his head under her chin. He buries his face into the crook of her neck and holds on, still sniffling, long enough to get himself under control. She holds him close a moment longer, because she knows he’d never admit it but the way he’s clinging to her tells her he’s in dire need of a good hug, and she’ll let him have it. When they finally pull apart, she runs her hands through his hair one last time, giving him a soft smile. Buck returns it, a little shaky, as he scrubs the last of his tears away. 

“I love my parents, ‘Thena, really,” he assures her, “I just don’t like them very much.”

Athena laughs, which brightens Buck’s smile slightly, and shakes her head ruefully as she crosses back over to her side of the table. 

“Trust me, Buckaroo, I know the feeling.” She slides back into her seat across from him, settles in, and then says, “Now, I think this is something you should be talking to Maddie about, isn’t it?” 

“Athena…” he groans. 

“Buck,” Athena says, fixing him with a pointed look. “Talk to Maddie.” 

They lock eyes across the table for a moment, a silent standoff. And then Buck’s mouth twists bitterly, and he backs down. 

“Okay,” he says. 

“Promise?” Athena asks cheekily, pulling out her ‘mom voice’—as Harry once called it—because that never fails with this kid. He rolls his eyes. 

“Yeah, I promise.” 

“Alright,” she says, turning to reach for the plate of brownies on the counter, “in that case, you look like you need one of these.”

The way Buck grins as he reaches for the plate makes the extra effort she’d put into lunch that afternoon entirely, completely worth it.