#and at the end of the day it doesnt even matter because Im not pursuing singing

[augustsails]

Ooohhh no I am way too anxious for my audition tomorrow.

[usertoxicyaoi]

ill be honest with you faiza. i truly dont want be negative but i dont think sungho will ever choose junseong. even if he says hes indecisive between him and seonwoo, he'll always choose seonwoo in the end as long as he keeps giving him any hope. and im not saying sungho doesnt like junseong, they clearly get along so well, even if nothing else happens their relationship as friends or something else makes my heart warm, anyone can see it, but he keeps saying that since he's never had a chance to be on a date with him he doesn't know but they've been together so many times... they were roommates too...

it breaks my heart because you can see that since the beginning junseong has never lied and has never jumped between people. his heart has always been in the same direction and he has never played with anyones feelings, truthfully he's i think the only person, or at least the one i respect the most in that house.

you can also see that he himself has no hopes either, he's like "i dont think he'll choose me but ill pursue him anyway because that's just how much i like and feel for him". there's also that scene where he cries and i know the trailer is edited in a way where the context for most scenes is all wrong but... to see him cry, i can tell it's not because of something good. i hate to see someone im rooting for going after someone that might never show any interest in them, it hurts a bit to see. (this is not me hating on sungho!! love that cutie but i just dont know...i know he's not trying to be hurtful on purpose its just how these things are)

i try to not get involved in dating shows because these things never go well but maybe its because im queer too and i feel different about a dating show dedicated to queer people. and maybe its also because i just feel for junseong and i just want him to be happy but im truly nervous about the next episodes... im sorry to just write so much about this to you but i started watching this because of you so you should feel responsible!

hiiii anon!!!

oh anon, i know what you mean. i truly do love junsung from the bottom of my heart. he's from one of the few people who have just. remained true and genuine. and its how much he likes sungho and how clear as day he is about it, but at the same time, never putting any stress or pressure on sungho. he's so selfless but will stand his ground and is determined and its everything you'd want.

and i get what u mean. theres this fear that all seunwoo has to do is give an inch and sungho will go to him. and that might happen. but, as of now, sungho said in ep 7 that he feels equally for them both. truth is it hurt seeing just how stressed sungho looked tbh. he doesnt want to hurt anyone with the decisions he makes and none of it comes from a place of malice.

but i also wanna say that sungho isnt naive. he isnt stupid. he clearly can read seunwoo and junsung and their body language so well. he observes it all. and he's starting to notice seunwoo for the people pleaser that he is. and at some point sungho's got to make that call of what it is he wants to go for, but he isnt stupid. so, yeah, i havent given up hope on 2sung just yet, not at all. we're only halfway through the show!

what we are all certain on is that junsung will keep fighting till the end for sungho's affection.

and i also feel like saying that, yeah, the phonecalls are a huge part of the show, but they arent the be all and end all. i know we're all, just like junsung, waiting for sungho to choose junsung and ring him, but there's so so much sungho has done and shown outside of that that shows his feelings towards junsung. and i think that matters just as much. the notes, the choosing junsung as his roommate again, all the little things in episode 7 between them, there is so much warmth and genuine affection sungho has towards junsung too. and that keeps junsung going, makes it worth it bc sungho is giving something back to him too.

of course, its sungho's call to make at the end of the day, but i wouldnt get disheartened just yet!

[llamasgotoheaven]

hi, i miss the days when u post a lot about zorobin.

have u watched the recent one piece episodes?

im actually scared since zorobin doesnt have many scenes together from wano arc. and there's also the possibility of hiyori showing too much interest with zoro. law and robin also got some great scene together.

i really want zorobin cos they are my otp. but now bcos they got less time in manga and in anime.. and oda pairing them with other characters... im losing hope..

now that story is closing in anime, what can u say about zorobin? will they be endgame?

im a zorobin enthusiast even if they'll not end up together 😭

Hello anon!

I haven’t been watching or reading OP much lately, and I haven’t drawn much in years. I’ve been busy with my Master’s in East Asian studies and with pursuing acting.

Only Oda knows what will happen at the end of the manga in terms of ships 🛳️ . (Haha)

I also don’t think it matters that much what ends up canon, honestly. Because at the end of the day, if a ship brings you joy and feels real to you, you don’t need the creator’s acknowledgment for that ship to be real to you personally. I also believe that so long as no one is getting hurt by it—Oda wants us to perceive his work ans his characters in whatever way makes us happiest.

[levishart]

some thoughts of mine on my evolving music taste that i wanted to ramble about

i think ive grown out of liking mitski purely because ive gotten better mentally. or, i feel less alone. i still love her music but it doesnt get me anymore. her music doesn't reach in and stroke the deepest part of me these days. rather, i can't seem to let her in. i think in a way, this shows growth. but in a strange way, i think its a minor set back.

i still need my intake of more somber music, which is why ive shifted to laufey. laufey is more for hopeless romantics, but she has happier music. and even some of her sadder songs have happier beats. its better for me mentally to be listening to more jazzy, popy stuff than gut wrenching heart breaking indie from mitski. laufey gets me though.

yes, im hopelessly in love with a fictional character and he is the one i often think about whilst listening to her songs, but im happier. he keeps me happy. and listening to music that reflects my thoughts and feelings for him helps maintain that feeling of walking on clouds that thinking of him gets me.

listening to mitski was a comfort for the times i felt shackled to the ground, but now that im up above - or at the very least free to go where i want on land, her music is just a reminder of those past times.

i never thought there'd be a time where i would stop liking her music. and that's not necessarily true, i just cant listen to her anymore. not when i have laufey to remind me of all that i have now, no matter how material and delusional it is. mitski used to get me in ways that others never could.

however now that im in a better, or at least happier place, i don't need that. what i need is music that understands where im at now, and laufey fills that role perfectly. ive let go a lot of music that used to define me, because in truth, they never were really me.

mitski, mother mother, mindless self indulgence, tally hall, marina, gorillaz, lemon demon, the living tombstone, the smiths, ricky montgomery, sir chloe, vocaloid in general - don't get me wrong, it's all good music, but listening to them makes me feel like im pretending that im somebody that im not. and i cant stand to listen to them anymore when every part of me is screaming to go elsewhere for my music.

getting into metal has made me so much better as a person, and although it is taking time and i am still new to it, i am so eager to continue this journey of self discovery. ive been gradually getting into nu metal band by band, and im really looking forward to getting into black metal next. those genres just feel like ME and have helped my self expression and confidence loads.

i did this thing to my friends where i made them give me a crap ton of artists on spotify and id listen to all their songs, but i dont even need that anymore. like, it was to help me discover new music, and ill 100% listen to them all eventually, but right now, i want to pursue what makes me the happiest.

anyways, laufey 🔛🔝 and so is metal. stream twist by korn it makes my autism happy. you not rrrh rot dot n dot n dot per rot dot n not n dot per n dot chi cot n dot rrr ah dot dot ki o ma gri a dot dot ers a pa ta ko some play to we a dot think up a bite rah sometimes you might ooh ooh rrrh we thought we might dot be mer hot something what are you ma ah do bro what are mines is dot ooh ooh rot in dot n bite ooh na na er na he woo hoo rah ate no hoo dot er ha ya dot im wer rah

side note the "he" i kept refering to is of course my sexy babe levi ackerman from attack on titan and i actually think he'd quite like SOME metal bands and this isn't self projection because i dont think he'd like everything i like but you can NOT tell me he wouldnt jam out to coming undone okay?? i also 🫶 all aot songs. openings, endings, soundtrack, it makes my chest feel happy. good music.

TLDR; i broke up with mitski and got with laufey but im also banging korn, slipknot, and soad on the side. im also madly in love with levi ackerman and this is all because of him

[onlyswan]

Hiii Art!! How have you been and how's your work/studies whatever it is that you do. Good? Eh? Well mine's kinda on a dry and wet mode rn lol.

Mind if I rant here?

I have 2wk worth of exams coming up and I have no motivation to study. I honestly regret taking up the course im studying for. I mainly took it up because its lucrative and helpful in today's economy. But honestly I should have just pursued 14yo Lyfie's dream to become a nurse. It wouldve been so much more rewarding🥲🥲🥲.

Anyways despite that im just praying my gpa doesnt go down the drain, and im gulity right now because i wasted the whole day doing nothimg even though i told myself to go study. I couldnt do it. I just......well i knew what i was doing was bad but everytime i looked at my notes i felt as if i knew them all, and in the end achieved nothing. Sigh i hate myself for how repetitve this unhealthy cycle has become. Parental pressure isnt helping either. I try ranting and they say its just momentary tiredness and it would go away soon and then further guilt me into wasting time :((((.

Wow that became long. Im so sorry for litterally trauma dumping on you, especially if tou had a long day. It would be the last thing you'd wanna worry about 😂😂😂

Anyways i wanted to ask you about your writing, both as a fellow fic author and as loyal reader of yours. What inspires you to write?

(I.e set time aside to write your fics and even feel motivated to open up that document? I have so many plot bunnies, headcanons and fic ideas, but no matter how enticing, everytime i try opening up my google docs, that burst of excited energy saps away. Urgh its so frustrating!!😠)

And for your fics, we had possible teases of engagement btwn jk and oc and even f2l hopelessly pining jk and oc. So i was wondering will we ever get a confession scene 👀👀👀?

I rmbr when jk ssid somewhr in an interview where he would love to lift his partner up and kiss them and my mind went str to the in which couple lol knowing your writing and since its jk its gonna be so cute cheesy and gonna involve tears 😇.

Funny enough i also know that both oc and jk are heavy on respecting e/o be it space or privacy, and when i heard Twice MISAMO's Do Not Touch song which was about consent and it was potryaed beautifully compared to art masterpeices, it got me thinking about their initial stages of skin ship or how they got comfortable around e/o physically or even their first time. Idk im just so invested in this universe lol 😭😂

Hmmm, but thats it for now. I'll reach out to you soon!!! :D

-Lyf

hiii lyf <3 work is draining and some customers are rude but my co-workers are fun to be with so it’s alright 🥲 uni also started this week and it’s nerve wracking but also soooo exciting !! i’m just gonna need some time to adjust to this new life + schedule 😬

i’m so sorry to hear that beloved :( i’m sure with the given the circumstances that you chose what you thought would be best for you at that time and i think it’s important that you recognize that too !! 🫂 and yesyes studying is so freaking difficult especially when you don’t feel motivated >:( for me personally time management has been pretty helpful. i love schedules ^^ sometimes i do house chores first to get my brain into work mode too and i give myself little rewards during break times (which are sooo important) or after studying hehe like snacks or screen time !! please look after yourself and your health. 🥺

dw i’m mostly fine with you guys ranting about stuff like school !! because same !! but i’m just putting it out there that when it’s abt triggering stuff i have to restrain myself 🥲 i don’t reply to those because it really affects me badly mentally too :(

hmmm when it comes to inspiration to write 🤔 like i said i do love schedules hehe i open a draft every night before bed + in my notes i also save words/phrases/scenarios that pop in my mind throughout the day but couldn’t write yet :D but i don’t really get to write everyday bcs i’m too tired or nothing just comes out. sometimes i only write one sentence or one paragraph then pass out lol. on a good day i finish one scene and maybe start writing the next too !! a jungkook weverse live will always 100% give me a big rush of motivation tho 🤭

and i doooo want to explore the earlier stages of oc and jungkook’s relationship 🥹🥹🥹 i have many many plans !! but i just want them to be perfect so it might take me a while </3 this is still a long journey if y’all are up for it hehe thank you so much for being invested in our little iw universe !! 🥰 it truly means the world to me that i get to enjoy my passion like this :") ilysm lyf 🫂

[herhours]

i forgot my mom wanted to go to lunch today until she texted just as i was sitting down about to start writing for the day

was kinda mad because i had that once-a-day-only buzz and knew if we went out i wasnt going to have it later and i was going to lose the whole day. i only have fridays and saturdays totally free and i want to, if i can, use the whole day unencumbered. but i went, of course, when i got home, had nothing, got nothing else for the rest of the day.

so that does make me think, real life is real life, i shouldnt resent real life when it gets in the way of me doing this thing. real life is more important.

which begs the question, why is this more important? is this even important. look. this is the biggest thing in my life right now and i know very passionately why i want to say this thing i want to say, but it still doesnt even matter to me. i want to say it because i think its important and i CAN say it, but its honestly mostly just because i have this itch to complete this thing and i cant be satisfied until it is scratched.

if its super successful i feel like i dont care. i dont even care what happens after i finish it. sure i would like that if it happened, but i dont feel like i care, i just want it to be done. i want to complete the thing i know i can do and i want it to be what i want it to be, and i cant rest until that is done because when i set a goal i achieve it, and i have to do this in order to have cognitive closure. and it has to be what i know it can be. THAT's the incessant itch that keeps almost forcing me to complete this project.

so im going to pursue it because why not, but like. i dont really derive anything from a sense of accomplishment (i have achieved things that others would feel mark a sense of accomplishment) because it always just feels like me doing what im capable of doing and therefore supposed to be doing. accolades and praise mean very little to me, unless they come from a particularly meaningful angle. when i think about the idea of success with what im doing i have known the whole time it doesnt really have that much meaning for me.

i have all this passion and need and it has to go somewhere, and this is the only thing i still have, i think. so im doing it almost because i feel like i have to, and dont get me wrong, when im flowing and its going well that is pleasurable for me and that makes me happy and i do get a sense of accomplishment. i want to feel productive and i feel good when i am.

but its like ultimately... i dont give a fuck about anyones external validation i never the fuck have and i never the fuck wanted it and that was nothing to do with why im doing this. im the only one who can validate myself, and i already feel as if my life is a complete waste from this point forward. i dont see any route to any validation or any meaning or anything that matters, because i cant give it to myself anymore, and nothing else can do it.

so, i guess im doing this because i have to, and its the only thing i have left, and maybe there could be something good that does come out of it in the end.

[tc-stickerz]

Dear Amberlynne.

Amber. Misstall even. "Monarch" of her own life lolol. Bet ure surprised to see this aren't you? After all I put it really out of the way. There is a method yknow? I need a way to send a letter. But i don't want you to see it. I need you to have even the smallest chance of seeing it eventually. For my heart to have enough hope to manage. But i can't actually send it to you. The small amount of dignity I've scrounged together these last few years couldn't take it. So this is the solution I've come up with. You won't ever read this thank goodness. But the chance is literally greater then 0. So here we are lol

Another reason I don't want to send this to you is because I lied to you in my last message. At the time I was telling the truth mind you. But as you know, I can fall to arrogance on occasion. Even now. The majority of it is still true. But doesn't work that way. Resolving to do better and be better is good and all. But some days you have to acknowledge that it's going to be worse too. If that makes sense. That's what encouraged me to write this. I had a bad day

I used to write these alot more in the past. But not to you. Sometimes the feelings get to much and I need the outlet and I would write to a loved one that I miss the most. It was once islandmai. But once his email account started sending errors I stopped. I'm not sure if he is alive. If he blocked me. If his account is deleted. I admit I love the idea of him more then the memory. Because there isn't much of it left. That was 18 years ago when I fucked that one up.

Then I wrote them to Sam for a short while. But I remember even left. My poor grape. I can't remember if you are a figment of my imagination or not. But ive grown to love the image of you in my head regardless.

Then the whole Dave thing happened. I wrote him for a while. Up until I got news that he had killed himself. I'm going to be writing him a letter eventually. For all times sake. For the feelings that need out. But for now I hope you can read this in hell. And know that even now I can't stop loving you either. You utter piece of garbage.

And then I stopped. Kinda. I pursued different outlets. Went to therapy. I started having my own support structure. It was built on lies. And hatred. And most of all envy. But it was the path I chose. And I deserve the consequences. I don't argue that amber. But today was a bad day. And more then anyone else, I missed you. So I wrote you a letter. I hope you blocked my emails. But im not sending this one directly to you regardless. So it doesnt matter.

Remember when I promised to be there when dog died. I think about it sometimes. I wasn't there because you wouldn't have let me. But it was my fault for ending up in that situation anyways. I wish I was there for you at that time. And all the other times you needed support but I wasn't. Whether it was due to envy. Or hatred. Or cowardice. I wasn't there. And even worse, I was sometimes the person you needed support to deal with yourself. Instead of being the support for more important things.

Do you remember the abuse I handed down on you? Thankfully never physical or sexual abuse. But the emotional abuse is sometimes the worst of it all. And you put up with it from me. For years. Long enough to make me depend on it atleast. Why was I so angry? So hateful? I know the answer now. Through alot of reflection and therapy. But I doubt you care. Regardless of the reasons, they aren't valid excuses.

I'm not sure if you were aware. That week I stayed there with you. Inflicting my presence on you in person for a while. Neglecting you in person for a while. To change up the pace I guess. One morning your father pulled me to the side. And he said something to the effect of "I know you've been sneaking into my daughter's room at night. Don't lie to me. I'm not going to do anything about it yet. But stop" now this terrified me. And even more, I felt guilt. Because the truth of the matter is, I didn't once sneak in your room at night. Should I have? Even as teenagers I knew I was sexually neglecting you. Mostly because we weren't compatible in that context. I was to hateful and unstable to be attracted to you romantically. I still tried regardless. But it wasn't until that confrontation with your father came to pass that I saw it. And then I still pretended after that anyways. For a few different reasons. But again, reasons. Not excuses. They don't fucking matter. I think your father assumed and accused me. But I was to far out of his context I think. That makes sense right? Lol

I loved you. I love you still. Platonically. Not in a romantic sense. You were my best friend. Through some of my roughest times. We pivoted it into something romantic. But we were stupid unaware teenagers. Lessons learned right? You were my support for some of the roughest parts of my life. And I betrayed that. Did you feel guilty when you heard I attempted suicide? I genuinely don't remember the order of events of that Era that well. But I hope you didn't even hear about it. I hope you grew to hate me for the lesser stuff. I accept that I probably traumatized you with that if you did hear about it. Who knows how you feel about it now but I figured I would atleast say that it wasn't your fault. You weren't even the largest factor. I had been pretending to go to college for a while. I got away with one semester. But at the end of the second semester that was coming up I had completely skipped every class. And every assignment. Every quiz, test, homework assignment. Etc. The grades were going to be released soon. And I had hard labor that I was obligated to do the next morning. And I was to depressed. So I swallowed all the pills. And my fat ass survived as you can see. Genuinely, you were a contributing factor. But even if your support was there instead of gone, the result was probably going to be the same.

I resented you at first. The arrogance was still manifesting. I hate that past me so much. You weren't the only relationship I threw away. Amber is a name in a long list of others. People I've betrayed. Neglected. Abused. Till they turned away from me. All my fault of course. And it isn't until many years later that I could see the burnt bridges behind for miles and miles. Some worse then others. Yours being amongst the worst atrocities I committed. Maybe not morally. But it was one of the worst crimes I committed against myself. I've desperately missed you and your company for years now. Amongst others. I don't think you could compare to the memory of island. Or the trauma of David. But you are the most real. Because your still actually alive. I could message your grandparents, or your father, or even you right now.

But you made it clear. You want me to fuck off. And genuinely, good on you. It hurts. A whole lot. But you don't deserve my bullshit to be inflicted on you again. The strength required is enormous. But I do have enough dignity to not stalk you on the internet. And fall deeper into my own feelings on the matter. Which brings us to today.

You won't believe who I met today. You remember Matt? I'm actually still friends with the guy. And I was traveling to Atlanta to see a concert lol. And I had the opportunity to meet the guy irl for the first time. Weve been friends since 2008 lol! It was a cool opportunity. We sat around and chatted. Family to family. I got to handle his pet snakes. So adorable. And then we went to the concert. Carr (I'm a new fan). Royal the serpent (was kinda meh but I really appreciated her song about inclusion). Bring me the horizon (was the reason I wanted to go and was absolutely amazing to see). And fallout boy (the performance was amazing but I liked their music less the more I hear it. And I've heard them alot).

Now the concert was was in the plans for months. We got tickets as soon as I heard about. I went with mom, falon, and falons boyfriend. We were first going to take some psychedelics. Some shrooms to enjoy the experience. But we decided a couple of weeks ago that we were going to experiment with X instead. Ecstacy. Basically my first "hardcore" drug. I was looking forward to it. The other 3 reacted fine. Had fun. I had a bad reaction. And it caused me to backtrack for a while. Not terribly mind you. I maintained. But ill describe what I felt.

It started cool. The colors and sounds was a bit intense and I was enjoying that. Soon I was really enjoying breathing for a while. Idk why. Drugs are like that. Then it felt like I mentally regressed back to those years. Where I was playing pretend with you. Me before the therapy. And the medication management. And years of positive changes and adulthood. I was 18 again before I made any of the progress i made this last decade. I was dragged back to my youth in the worst way possible. I was hyper aware of anything and everything that triggered bad shit in me. Usually im fine. I internalize it and take it with me to therapy later that week. It was to intense this time. My coping skills were stripped away. And there was so much around me that triggered this evil shit in me again.

If I was still christian, I would think im the manifestation of envy on this planet. I look around and I can only see things I want. Aspects of people I am desperate for myself. Because I could never be happy with just myself. Everyone else always had it better. I outgrew alot of that with age. Making it to nearly 30 teaches you some things. Just because that's how time and consciousness works. (Sorry I'm still a little high. And very tired. I doubt any of this is coherent. And fuck proofreading) but at this moment when I looked around me and saw all the things I could want but never have. Everywhere. Times 100. The heartache returned. I could wax poetic for a while about the nature and feeling of heartache but I suspect it's either something you have felt before or haven't.

I couldn't talk. If I did I would sob. And ruining my families time was the last thing I wanted. They were already worried. But luckily they didn't understand the depth of the issues I was dealing with. But I maintained. I'm good at locking down like that. I can freeze with the best. Not show anything on my face. And just be quiet. Suffering quietly is a specialty of mine. Painstakingly earned. But another skill I learned more recently is to acknowledge when you need help and have a support structure in place if needed. My go to being my best friend (my mom and sister) were out of bounds. I couldn't talk at the time. And it was to important to not ruin their night. This crippling pain was temporary. My support system came to the rescue. Brittany distracted me with tales of her new mop. Naomi assured me of my validity and reminded me of my humanity. Matt assured me I wasn't alone. And trey stuck with me for a while and let me incoherently rant via text about how broken I was. The mvp. More then any of them tho I missed you Amber.

This crippling moment of weakness brought about by reckless drug experimentation and being in an environment with nothing but triggers. The friends I still have. The ones I managed to save from myself lol. They kept me grounded. And I recovered. Tired. Inspired. Self hatred at the highest its been in years. I wanted nothing more but for you to be supporting me again with them. I didn't deserve it at all. But its what I wanted. And so im here writing my first letter in many years. I hope you find it. And come back into my life. In this moment of weakness, its my greatest wish. And its not even one that I have the strength to voice. A display of how weak I am. I've always been. I'll be better in the morning. Emotionally. It'll be a new day. And I'll continue my march. As I'm forced to. I'll still hope for you. Just enough to protect myself. But thank goodness, realistically, you will be spared of my bullshit. Because how would you find this?

Remember when I mocked you for the control scheme you used in wow? I thought myself superior because I was an elite pvm player. Raiding nights with other friends never compared to the times you and I just chatted. I know why I acted like that. Therapy and self reflection. I know myself. But it doesn't matter anymore. Reasons can't be excuses in this context.

Remember how I mocked you for your music taste? I wish I had gotten to know it better. I listen to alot of different things these days. Alot of genres. But mostly still emo like I did back then. I wish I had the opportunity to discuss these things with you now. A friendly chat where we debate the pros and cons of our mutual playlists. I want to see what you listen to now so that I can learn more about you.

Remember how I mocked you for liking Shakespeare? I still don't like his stories. But I can't say I'm actually that familiar with him anyways. But why would a difference in opinion so minor lead to me mocking you? Why was I so angry and arrogant? I know those things about myself now. More then anything I wish we were close enough that you could ask me about it. And you genuinely cared. And we could talk about it. Discussions on psychology and philosophy. But that was a timeline carelessly dashed by a very unstable brat. The worst person on the planet. For me atleast. And I sincerely hope that I wasn't a large enough figure in your life for you to feel the same. Even if I deserve it.

Remember when we were in bed together that one night? In the hotel room? You put my arm around you. A clear invitation to cuddle. Which I was never good at during that period of time. In retrospect, you were obviously insecure. As was I. At the time tho, it was a bright enough message for me to even understand. I just valued my comfort over your ego. I knew there was nothing sexual about it. Human contact was something you craved. And was reasonably expected at that stage in our relationship. I still turned away. Why? If you read this far, you will know how ill respond to that.

One time during a Skype call we were discussing why I didn't make more of an effort to sexually pursue you. I don't remember alot of the conversation. I remember being severely annoyed at it. I pretended it was ignorance and insecurities that stopped me. Because even if it was ignorance and insecurity, it was of a completely different nature then you would think. Or maybe you would. You were always smart. But I doubt you would have guessed. I asked for you to take your clothes off on camera for me. It was something neither of us wanted but both of us assumed we were supposed to at that point. But im glad you had the maturity to say no. I was a good actor during those days. Just not good at playing the very long con. I lost my silver tongue since tho. Apathy gets in the way. Something I struggle with regularly. I only used it as a weapon for harm tho. So good riddance.

I bet if we walked past each other in public, we wouldn't recognize each other. It's been a decade after all. Hard to imagine. Atleast for me. A decade. And I still am capable of loving you so deeply. I know I look massively different these days though. I've left hints in the story above. But I doubt it's even comprehensible. I've worked on summing up my experiences to a short tldr: trans child (due to nature or nurture who knows? But both definitely contribute) struggles with growing up in a southern baptist community and a string of abusive masculine figures. Resorting to anger and privilege I actively worked to harm other peoples egos. Alot of it was motivated by envy. I knew that part. It wasn't until 25 when I started accepting those aspects of myself that I would even hear about things like gender dysphoria. Or that sexuality could be something more then straight, gay, or bi. And that all of it is valid despite the religious indoctrination I was raised in.

I did alot of evil shit. Some of it to you. Amber. And I regret it. Even more, I actively resent that portion of my life. And I miss you. Alot. And tbh that probably isn't even you now. It's the you of 2010. The you preserved in my memories. But the idea of you is still so fucking beautiful and tragic.

Do you remember the day you messaged me? Randomly? I was flying over deepwind gorge. I had no clue at the time that we would have such a tragic adventure together. I was in the air over deepwind gorge on the day we met. I was in the air flying to the timeless isle when you broke up with me. So many years apart.

Fml I hope you are doing well. You sounded resentful when you told me to fuck off in that email. I sincerely hope that it was aimed at me. I hope life has been kind to you. I hope you made it this far without being as broken and jaded as me. I hope you have a new dog that you love a whole lot and I hope they love you too. I hope your scary father and you still get along. I hope you still listen to old 70s music. And still play spore on occasion. Or other rpgs. I hope you are happy the majority of the time. I hope you found someone and you fell in love if thats what you want. I hope you are successful in your career. I hope you haven't experienced any pain since we talked last. I hope I get to talk to you again one day. I hope you will never have to deal with the bullshit or the memories I inflicted on you ever again. I hope that I was a much smaller part of your life then you ended up being in mine. I hope you read this and get in touch. I hope you never read this and it all stops here. I hope this monster of a letter is an incomprehensible mess to anyone who tries to read it. A drugged up speech on trauma and human nature that no one gets. I hope someone reads it and gets some sort of value from it, the distorted ramblings of an occasionally broken human.

Maybe ill write again to you here. But I hope the cracks don't grow enough for me want to. Regardless what the future holds though:

Love,

Stickerz

[cruisinmississippin]

"He's a prophet and a pusher, partly truth, partly fiction. A walking contradiction"

Martin Scorsese's Taxi Driver is a lot like a modern day interpretation of The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger almost. Idk if anyones noticed, if its purely coincidental, or if Scorsese was ever a big Salinger fan ka pa ka, but yeah thats my 1st impression. Theyre so similiar! So at the very least, I feel like Scorcese was probably writing a grown up version of Holden Caufield or something despite the impossibility of the logistics that might come up.

1. Both Holden and Travis live in a world peopled by phonies/scums. Both of them often repeated these words throughout their stories.

2. Both have scenes where they DELIBERATELY hire a prostitute only to REFUSE engaging in any sexual activities with the said prostitute for whatever reason

3. Both have come up w fake names at 1 point in their stories.

4. Both are lonely n lost young men. They dont know wtf theyre doin with their lives.

5. Both lived in NYC. Loool

6. Both are protective of a young girl in their lives? Holden's was his little sister Phoebe, n Travis' was literally a young girl who became a prostitute.

Bnyak lagi la kalau nak list down lagi but you geddit

But what I don't get entirely is that this is the movie tht Robert DeNiro got so famous for other than his performance in The Godfather I guess. This is the line that everybody wanted to replicate in jest. THE LINE:

My take on it is that if another director were to come up with a revised vers of the story in this day and age, I think it would be impossible to escape from portraying the character as an INCEL inclined character. The textbook vers of incels youd read about in articles n documentaries after mass shootings had occured.

But back to the quote, its rather convenient for us audience to associate the man with the quote because yeah

-its weird tht he goes out on his way to respect n protect women but also regularly frequents the XXX movie theatre??? Even going so far to bring his date into one pretty early in the film.

-the haircut he sports at the later part of the film would help signify n justify some hate crimes n anti establishments movements from him? But instead he mantains that he's patriotic n optimistic about CHANGE throughout.

-speaking of patriotism. He was a marine, claims to love n support certain politicians but doesnt pay enough attention to the policies presented, doesnt keep up with the news, but is strangely passionate n radical about change. Using firearms. How very American 😅🖖🏻🤣 violence first, questions later.

-im still not done on how both un-American and American he is. But lemme demonstrate in simple words using USA's own amendments:

1. The right to pursue happiness, no matter the gender, skin colour, yadayada every US citizen is ordained for that right first n foremost in their constitution

2. The right to bear arms. For protection purposes ofcourse. No comment on that, the news n the number of mass shootings tht continue to happen is nuff said.

But yeah, therein lies the contradiction within him. Him n whatever he chose to do at the end is both him exercising his rights as a fellow American, whilst he's also sort of denying his Other fellow Americans to their rights.

🤔🤔🤔

Also,

Id like to also point out how strange n unrealistic tht a young Robert DeNiro was casted to portray a guy who cant get any connection because he's socially awkward. He was way too cute to play tht part yall there I said it. 😀 Guy looked like that strugglin to get girls? Nice try Scorsese.

[ap0stle]

not to sound gay but im so proud of myself. im so, mundanely proud of myself. every day is a victory. i made it to today. I MADE IT TO 21!!!! and maybe im not in perfect condition, maybe i have days where i wake up and do fuck all, but yknow what? im still trying!!!

i made it out of high school. i made it out of my parents house, even though i came back. i made it out of that relationship. i survived a year of college, and even though im changing schools and taking Another gap year, im still pursuing it. im on better track now than ever. im almost a year on testosterone!! and even though ill probably be celebrating that alone in my bedroom, its still worth cheering for because when i was 14 i never would have imagined id be sitting here today. and everything is gonna be okay, no matter how long it takes or how the route changes. there is always a backup plan, the story doesnt just end. i might not end up making movies someday, but i can always get back into computer science. hell i could work at mcdonalds and take udacity courses in my free time, and then go from there. there is literally always a way out. even when things are fucking hard, every single day you get up and step outside is a victory!!! be proud of yourself and how far you have come!!! and most importantly keep going!!!!!

[1eos]

that person is one of two sisters who are neo shippers and are well known and hated among the intl twt ppls. they can even be spotted leaving comments on yt. they are obsessed with mentioning the lack of friendship whenever they don’t do anything together especially if with some other man. twt have said that you and them are the same and I just laughed.

and the arguing on twt is insane like he, literally as you said was doing a musical and he was also doing his own comeback but they say jelpi left it too long that’s what they didn’t include the others. no just let’s put more pressure on him shall we.

omg they left the others out lollll hakyeons priorities are in dramas and movies, redacted was literally enlisted. hongbin no matter how much they say haha let me be editions, is not coming back he’s happy being a twitch gamer. They’re constantly screaming about ot6 and ot5 all the time also them screaming about the lack of promotion from jelpi for the concert because some ppl didn’t know about it.. now them all arguing among themselves over this suspected draft dodging. It’s all ridiculous.

its crazy that neo shippers are so annoying even starlights, delusional weirdos they are, hate them. wait ME AND THIS WEIRDO ARE THE SAME???? FAVEEEE 😭😭😭im obsessed w twt fan bullshit. i say it would be hilarious if 90line were never seen in the same room again just to see shippers suffer but im the one crying over their 'friendship'. while also being hated for being a solo stan that doesn't like anyone else. WHICH IS ITTTT

but this discourse is fucking weird...theyre so obsessed with ot6 to the point of serious delusion. to ME, and to a lot of ppl, its kinda obvs hakyeons focused on acting likeeee he wasnt even rumored to be there when they were MEETING abt the concert lol. and im sure if he wanted to be there he could've negotiated a better date like no one (besides worried kfans) are bringing up leo doing 2 concert dates then immediately going back to west side story. that was fucking insane and im still trying to figure out what hakyeon was busy with lol. like im not gonna get on a high horse and be like u need to pull crazy leo workaholic stunts bc NO. no one should have a schedule like that but also...what the fuck is he doing? is the dress rehearsal for an awards show a month long commitment i truly do not know 😭😭😭and no one i peeped at has given a concrete answer on what he was so busy with

and its weird bc they're trying to absolve vixx of their decisions and blame it all on jelpi. nd jelpi IS very sus and they DO make a lot of bad decisions but in di end of the day if a vixx boy wants to be at a vixx event he gonna make a way to be there. its been 12 years their priorities have changed not everyone's first priority will be to their group 🤷🏾‍♀️that doesnt make them bad ppl imo at most its just kinda annoying that hakyeon just won't put in his resignation fr like put these girls out of their misery alreadydakdkmakm

cuz ultimately why the FAWK should they give up careers and opportunities? its unfair to EVERYONE like just bc [redacted] put off enlisting like the idiot he is should leo, hyuk, nd jaehwan be stuck in the basement doing nothing? and vice versa should hakyeon be forced to not pursue what he wants bc the rest want to be singers 4 life? should they all be jobless bc of fucking hongbin? be frrrrrrr these bitches are like toddlers istg let these men grow and be happy

😭 like your vixx boy not living up to YOUR expectations is a you problem. also how the hell did they not know abt that concert that was ALL over realvixx like??????? LOL????????

p.s. am i the only one annoyed by this idea that idol relationships are only 'valid' if they make themselves available for viewing to the public? like i don't immediately think vixx r beefing just bc they aren't seen with each other. i'll joke that hakyeon don't wanna dance but i'd never say he hates them cuzzzz i mean there's a whole world beyond what's shown on insta or twitter!!!! they could be texting all di time who knows! this entitlement to evidence of idol bonds pisses me off!!!

[dantelionwishes]

I was wondering what Hikari's parents are like, since we don't know much about either of them. What I'm mainly interested in is what their personalities are like, and what are some of their notable traits. I'm asking since I want to do some more writing, but I'm also really curious about them.

formally introducing hikari's parents and a little more insight on why she's so well-known!

if any of the text above is hard to read, i put that plus some more extra info under the cut :^)

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HISAKO KAMINO

Hisako is the illegitimate child of retired pro hero Amaterasu, and super villain Necromancer. Her family, especially her mother and herself, was under fire for the shocking scandal between hero and villain. Although her younger half-sister Hikari had no blood relation to the villain, she ended up going to UA to protect their mother and Hisako. She met Hiroyuki through Hikari's internship, where they eventually fell in love. Because of her hardy and confident nature, Hisako often taunted and challenged those who wanted to try hurting her family, unafraid of death. She was involved in a bigger incident because of her blood relations, unfortunately getting others involved and others killed. The scandals surrounding their family have toned down in the recent years, especially after both Hikari and Hiroyuki aided in arresting Necromancer.

QUIRK: RESPAWN

Hisako’s quirk allows her to come back from the dead, waking up from the place she last died without any injuries or complications. She inherited one drawback from her father, though. The more often she respawns, the more her body will rot away. Because of several incidents in the past, her left arm and lefthand torso have been reduced to a skeleton’s. Doctors say that she isn’t immortal, and that she’ll just die a normal death at old age.

HIROYUKI KAMINO

Hiroyuki was born in Cairo to an Egyptian mother and a Japanese father, and they were immediately blessed upon his birth. Born with a quirk that framed him with the spitting image of the ancient sun god Ra, it was not hard for him to gain power and popularity with dreams to be Egypt’s number one hero. Both parents realized being in favor of the people might blind him, so they brought him to UA as a transfer student to humble him. This toned him down, but it didn’t change his boldness and self-assurance after graduating from Japan’s top hero school. He continued his dream and eventually became the rising hero ablaze, Ra. Years later, he took an intern from UA named Hikari and was infatuated by her older sister, Hisako. While courting her, he had to face her demons alongside their family and swore to help them regain their honor. Getting involved earned him a spot in the scandal, but he and his intern were able to capture Necromancer in exchange for losing his upper beak.

QUIRK: SUNFLAME

Hiroyuki’s quirk is manifested through the orbs of fire he can create, resembling a small sun with rays. Unlike fire, which is a type of hot gas, his suns are made up of a blazing combination of gases in the form of plasma. The plasma is a state of matter similar to gas, but with most of the particles ionized, and he can make these suns as small as a pinball or as big as a person. He’s only ever made one as big as a building once, but it takes a huge toll on him. Because of his quirk, he also has a complete and total resistance to fire and heat.

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ive only realized now that I didnt exactly answer u correctly @skiduffle so let me just.....casually do bullet points HAHSGHJAHJS

hisako is very VERY strong personality-wise

she's very confident in herself to the point that she challenges people who are stronger than her or better than her

very cocky when it comes to those things, and is barely affected by anything bad against her 0% damage, she's used to it

would probably give the BEST GODDAMN PEP TALK TO ANYONE WHO IS A VICTIM OF BULLYING (watch the victim sock their bully in the face the next day after talking to her)

was the one who protected hikari the most, not wanting her to go through what she did

extremely honest and has unwavering optimism to the point that it's a bit scary how easily she can brush anything off

hiroyuki is also confident in himself and his abilities, but he's a much more toned down version of his vain self as a teenager

no one can stop him if he wants to do something or get something! he pursued hisako even if she kept ignoring him at first

definitely the one who spoiled hikari the most as a child, especially since he came from an upper class upbringing

total dad who thinks hes super cool no matter what he does, likes looking cool and hip while his wife looks formal

both of them still act like they're still high schoolers dating so its a bit embarrassing to watch them flirt

"you had a crush on me..? thats embarrassing...." "I know, im so embarrassed I think of kissing you everyday...." [literally married]

I would say theyre girlboss and malewife personality-wise, but hisako is actually a housewife and hiroyuki does the hero work

if you didnt know who they were (esp hiroyuki being a hero) one could easily assume hisako was the breadwinner

hiroyuki doesnt mind! he's absolutely in love with his wife and he loves having her in the spotlight and bringing his wife to formal events to absolutely wow everyone with how charismatic she is

hisako on the other hand was never the type to want any protection, so at first she always rejected hiroyuki's pursuits but eventually her husband is the only person she lets her guard down with

[axel-mania]

yesterday was the first time i met someone with ehlers-danlos. i was seeing her because she is a physical therapist with the disease i may have, and i hoped she could tell me whether my current pt is killing me with his treatment. and, you know, what she had done to be a working adult rather than someone frequently bedridden. it was a tiny office. i felt small, trapped, staring down at the intake paperwork, over a hundred questions and longer than any ive done before. i was so scared i wouldnt be able to get through that part and still have the scheduled meeting. but i guess she cared about seeing me, because even though other patients were asking for her help she still took the time to talk to me. 

so you write down all your pain, put down numbers that dont really convey anything about it, just trying to say that youre suffering and it should matter enough that something is done about it. i feel like im lying if i use all tens, but that means they might not take me seriously. on the flip side, im still walking and talking, no matter how feebly, so they might think im exaggerating it. my first adults' doctor told me id just have to learn to live with all this. but maybe this person understands. maybe shell care. 

youre just a six on the hypermobility scale. its eight to tens when we start to see the really bad conditions like ehlers-danlos. thats what the rheumatologist i was referred to said. but this physical therapist wasnt very flexible and shed been diagnosed. so she ended up completely redoing my evaluation. when i could bring myself to string more than a few words together to tell her, that is. i always feel stupid during these kinds of things. even if i record my pain, i dont have the right words to describe whats happening. i cant definitively answer all their questions, just give guesses. but she could see inflamed joints, out of place tendons, pops that i couldnt even hear. so i ended up meeting the criteria. it almost means nothing. 

i dont have an official diagnosis, which is almost impossible to gain, so i cant get benefits. well, i can at least pursue treatment, right? not really. she shot down the pain management options i had learned from the patient community, and said most people who felt worse in physical therapy were looking for someone to blame. shes the success case, and she presides over many more patients than me. so what could i do but accept it? 

theres only hard work. work you literally cant do if youre in enough pain. physically, im lucky. compared to others, my body has only broken down a little, so i can still do regular exercise. at the same time, no matter how hard i try, it will break down more. its a race alongside time. you can only get so much better as your body naturally gets worse. teaching your joints to stay in place doesnt mean making your body into a different one. 

youre never going to exist without pain every day. really sit with that for a second. you have to mentally say, im okay with this hard exertion every day, and im okay with it leading to only marginal and very long term benefits. i choose life no matter the consequences. 

and i cant choose that, not right now. not when i have questionable friends online and absolutely no one in real life. not when im living with my transphobic parents and am going to struggle to find any employment that can accommodate my disability. theres just really no reason. the one person who was dependent on me no longer is. i dont believe in life as an abstract good. so really, this seems to be a sign to kill myself.

whats going to happen isnt me dramatically and immediately hanging myself while my parents are asleep. its going to be a slow starvation. i repeatedly refuse to choose between life and death, fail to consistently do the exercise, and suffer more until its too much. this isnt exactly a cry for anyone to try talking me down. ive long since decided not to do that for others anymore, and i dont want it for me either. but it is sort of an open question... why are some people so happy to choose a miserable life? what do they have that i dont? maybe its a circular problem. im bitter because people arent caring for me enough, and people dont want to care for me because im bitter. 

[we-always-hit-our-ass]

I don't mean to bother you, but could you do hate to love headcanons for Bill Guarnere please?

oh you’re not bothering me at all! this is a NICE request- im into this idea and i loved writing hcs about this! thank you for requesting this lovely idea, it’s amazing!

Taglist: @floydtab, @deldontplay, @thatsonefishyboi, @noneofurbusinez, @meteora-fc, @hufflepuffpancakes​, @hihosilvers​, @rayleighshughes

Hate to Love HCs with Bill Guarnere

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you were generally well-liked and respected in camp toccoa and always hung out with george luz and perconte

these two were your best friends-

so you thought you would be fine with bill guarnere-

you didn’t really dislike bill guarnere at first because you two never really talked and you always conveniently left when he came in

you two avoided each other, and you were fine with anything as long as he doesnt bother you

but oh boy- shit started to change as the days went on

oh so you thought that you and bill could get along at first? i’m sorry to say that you were wrong-

somehow, bill is just now actively pursuing you just so he can insult you or poke fun at anything you do-

of course you tolerated at first cause like, you thought it was just a one time thing and iTS BILL GUARNERE-

his insults and snarky personality is one of the biggest things that he’s know for-

sooo you let it slide and never paid much mind to it

then bill turns around and decides to prove you wrong

but fortunately he never went that far, he’d only say his run-of-the-mill insults-

it wasn’t that that annoyed you though

it was how much he did it that annoyed you-

everywhere you went or whoever you hang out with, bill would never fail to poke fun at you

whether it was his vulgar insults, his pushiness, his bold personality, or his shit-eating grin??- you didn't know

you knew that was just his brand, but holy shit- you couldn’t take anymore of it

bill would constantly pester you until you snap and just straight-up leave

but even when you would leave to not interact with him this man will still be there- 

and i dont think thats a coincidence

but bill would only purposely annoy you because this poor boy doesn’t know how to express his affection but you sure as hell didnt know that-

so when he sees you get mad after his teasing, he’s just a little bit confused-

but like even though you thought it was funny at first, he just kept doing it

this pissed you off and you always try your best to keep calm and ignore him

like you aint giving him a reaction, youre too stubborn-

but then he’d always flash a cocky smirk once he sees you leaving after he annoyed you just a little too much that day

and when he does that you cant help but like a teensy bit annoyed, 

cause like who wouldn’t??

you swore that you could punch him and i swear you almost did

thank god the easy boys were kind enough to literally keep you from knocking out guarnere

seriously, this man does not know when to stop and you just couldn’t stand him

like god forbid you two being next to each other for 1 second

but then shit turned around once more- but for the better this time

while easy two was out in the field, bill literally pushed you out of the way and shielded you from a nearby grenade you didn’t see

you were very thankful but first of all you were SURPRISED that this man actually saved your life

the man that you hated- saving you?-

lEMME tell you- as cheesy as it is, words really couldn’t describe how you felt

confusion? relief? shock? 

fuck it man, it was all three of them-

as you’re just staring in shock at him, he’ll just act all nonchalant about it 

you just kind of watch him walk away with your mouth wide open and your eyes wide fucking open-

your thoughts on him immediately start to change after that day

and you no longer found yourself disliking him

like you didn’t know exactly when your thoughts on him started to transform but it was somewhere after the incident-

of course, he also clearly changed his attitude after that day too-

like then suddenly he’d stop his teasing?

like, yeah it still happens from time to time now, but like it wasn't as overbearing as before

but then bill actually starts to hang out with you more without actually outwardly teasing you anymore

and you are just completely 

like he’d sit then next to you and after a few moments of silence he starts to talk to you about random stuff

it was awkward and first but then you guy would actually start to talk and you think it’s a miracle

it was slow progress at the beginning but small talk quickly turned into long conversations that were full of laughter

this man who seemed unapproachable and harsh who was actually nothing but a big softie

you slowly warmed up to him and you even found yourself welcoming bill guarnere’s quirks and unique personality

as you opened up to him, he also opened up to you and soon most of your free time was spent talking to him

your relationship grew stronger as the war raged on and you couldn’t help but feel a certain way towards him

like it started with small things, but those small things led to STRONG ASS FEELINGS- i mean, can you imagine?

you started to notice things you haven’t ever noticed before, like how cute his smile was, how nice his voice sounds, or how caring he can actually be-

aND BILL NOTICED THINGS TOO- 

i mean, he already noticed them but bill just started to appreciate and love them even more than before-

like the way your eyes light up when you get excited, when you laugh at his stupid jokes, and when you’re just existing-

bill refuses to admit that he’s getting sappy for you, but he knows that he does-

tension soon builds up between you two guys and its a wonder how easy company hasn’t caught on-

i mean, the longing and adoring looks you cast each other are precious and you wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world

bill wouldn’t also trade anything in the world for those smiles and happy expressions of yours

bill also seemed to be hiding his feelings behind his personality pretty well, but he’s actually struggling-

after a few days of thinking, guarnere just decides that he couldn’t wait anymore and he also decides to shoot his shot

and he’s so GLAD that he did-

things couldn’t have turned out better for the both of you

if you already haven’t ascended when he took your hands into his- then you definitely ascended when he confessed

for someone who had a very bold and brash personality, bill was surprisingly soft spoken and tender during his confession

the confession was short- BUT SWEET! 

you almost died when you heard bill apologize and explain why he treated you so badly when he first met you

you were just in awe at this man. this beautiful, snarky, bastard made your life 10000x better and a world without him was not a good world at all-

immediately you would say how you felt, your hands still in his and you decide to intertwine your fingers with his

bill instantly kissed you as you finished and the warm sensation that you shot straight into heaven and it could only be described as euphoric

even that is still an understatement

when you stopped, bill raises his hands to cup your face and the feeling you got was aSTOUNDING

he just looked at you with such soft eyes that were full of love and you could help but melt

you were still breathless, but you begged for more of his touch

more kisses were shared privately among the two of you, and you wouldn’t want to have it any other way

but believe when i say that easy company had their mouths dROPPED to oblivion when they found out that the two of you were dating-

they had to admit it, you two did make a surprisingly good match and they were living for every single second of it

while you two got off on the wrong foot, you couldn’t be any happier to be with him

you and bill would also sometimes find it impossible that you two even hated each other in the first place

but it was all worth it, because you two ended up in each other’s arms in the end anyway 

and for you and bill, that was all that mattered

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im sorry if i took too long to answer your request but i finally posted it! i really liked writing this and this was just such a nice request!

hopefully you enjoyed these hcs and i also hope that it’s good enough! 💞💞😊

btw im sorry for any mistakes of any kind!

[normal-thoughts-official]

Pls talk about Alec and Magnus reuniting in Edom and Magnus just RUNNING to him and hugging him so hard Alec stumbles a little and then hugs him back real tight and they just stand there in each other's arms for a hot minute

I mean........ first of all, thank you harry shum jr for my rights. he really sold all the emotion in that scene. the way he pauses like he believes he was hallucinating, the way his eyes widen, and then he just half runs, half skips, half leaps at alec like his brain is still catching up with him and he doesnt know how to react, or how to fucking walk, and then when they hug he keeps grabbing at him and pulling him closer??????????????? to make sure hes really there???? because he cant believe this??? the way he opens his mouth like hes about to argue when alec tells him hes staying in edom, but then just shakes his head in disbelief and stares at him in awe????????? bitch

magnus really didnt believe they were coming for him. before that, lilith says that their friends left him to rot, and he doesnt argue; he looks slightly hurt but resolute (thank u harry shum jr for my rights can u believe what a great actor this guy is???? ugh) because he chose this, and hes gonna protect his friends. he chose to go to edom fully believing that he wouldnt be rescued, that he would be stuck in there, the place he hates the most, the place that's filled with memories of torture and abuse, alone, a destiny so awful to him that when asmodeus offered to help him in exchange for him going to edom he chose to give up his magic instead, knowing full well this would make him severely depressed and also take away his immortality.

Ive said it before and I'll say it again, i dont think magnus truly understood how much alec loved him until that moment. not because Alec hasnt shown it, but because he cant really understand such a full, beautiful, selfless love; not when its directed towards him, because hes used to being the one that gives; he sacrifices himself constantly for the well-being of others, its what he does the most in the whole series. himself, his magic, his immortality, his mental health, and then ultimately his whole life and freedom. hes used to it; hes full of love to give, and he doesnt prioritise himself, and hes an abuse victim whos been told many times thats how love will go for him. that he'll be the one left behind, that he's too much to handle, that at the end of the day he's alone

but alec comes back for him. without a second thought. he throws everything out of the window, doesnt even cook up a decent plan (become a vampire and stay with him in edom forever? seriously? that's ur brilliant idea?), is willing to leave behind his life, his job to which hes dedicated his whole life, his family and friends, all to be with magnus. he barely sleeps in his desperation to get back to him, and the one thing that keeps him grounded is the damn ring.

alec is the opposite of magnus in their reunion; his steps are big and fast, hes focused, hes marching to magnus like hes just gonna burst through whatever tries to come between them. when they hug, he grabs him steadily and holds him close, to make sure magnus is protected; and he smiles with so much relief in his face, like finally, finally he can breathe, because hes with magnus and that's all that matters (thank u matt daddario for my rights)

where magnus is all uncertainty, alec is certainty; theres no hesitation because he knows full well what he wants, what he needs to do: get to magnus. and magnus thought he would be left behind. magnus thought he'd be stuck in edom forever. magnus thought he'd never see alec, or his friends, or the light of day again. magnus thought he was going crazy when alec showed up, because he had no idea alec loved him enough to sacrifice something for him in return, no idea alec would choose him and give him back when he selflessly threw away his entire fucking life.

and dont even get me started on the implications that has for the whole proposal scene, idk if magnus realized at the last minute that that was the only way or if he just wanted to make up with alec and have something to remember him by when he was stuck in literal fucking hell. all i know is that i cry, and thank u alec for loving magnus like he deserves, for showing him that he's worth it, that he deserves to be pursued and fought for, that he's not destined to be left behind like camille told him and that he doesnt have to keep sacrificing himself because theyre in this together and magnus matters. in short malec are soulmates and harry is a fucking amazing magnus and also im crying

[thedankfaerie]

i am posting this here because i am tired of burdening my boyfriend with my feelings. this is a little nsfw. and this is my call for help. i dont know who to talk to anymore about this.

i need someone to hear what i feel

or at least, a free space to say what i feel 

im in a low place. i feel so awful about myself and my body and i hate this feeling. i hate that this time last year, i was so happy about the way i looked. i was working this awful job that had me so overworked and overtired and poorly treated that i skipped meals and slept through meals regularly... i lost so much weight from stress in just a year and was the skinniest i had ever been. mentally, i was not in a good place being exploited by my managers... but my self esteem re: my body was at a new level i never knew could exist for me.

last year, i felt powerful and confident about my body, and i expressed that through sexuality. i was fucking my ex that i still liked (i grew out of wanting him back, but he never did, and it was nice to have the upper hand). i was also fucking an old fwb that i stayed friends with, that was also recently single, so we reunited again at the perfect time. i was also seeing this one guy (now my boyfriend) so if ever i got tired of the sex i at least was able to calm down and settle down with someone who genuinely wanted to know me. of course, i ended up catching feelings for this guy, and cut off the other two to pursue something more serious (we are now dating and are moving in together next month!) anyways, it was so nice to be wanted. to feel... i guess sexy? sex is empowering. and it shouldn’t be taboo to say that as a woman, or anyone really. i dont want to give off the message that a woman’s validation is fueled by men’s desire - but hey, don’t you feel flattered when someone thinks you’re attractive? desire and lust aren’t everything... but they matter. and they have an impact on how you feel about yourself, whether or not you believe me when i say that is up to you. 

 and i hate that i would gladly put myself through the stress that i did just to feel happy about my body. before the summer ended, i finally had enough and i quit my shitty job. i was jobless for a month, but was able to enjoy the rest of the summer with my new ‘skinny’ body - last year i took my first bikini picture ... a 2 piece! i have never done that. i still think about how happy i was that summer to look and feel good about myself. 

i have struggled with self esteem issues since highschool. i always felt like i was too big. i used to follow all these blogs of pretty people and try to copy their poses to feel pretty and i used to spend hours after school trying on short dresses and clothes to stare at my body in the mirror. i used to starve myself to the point of literally wanting to faint on the daily, until finally i admitted it to one of my teachers. she respectfully asked if i wanted to speak with the school guidance counsellor, and i declined. but she encouraged me to speak up to at least a friend, so i did, and it helped, and for a long time, i was okay. after i graduated that teacher still checked up on me for a few years every now and again.

4th year university was when i realized how much i had let myself go. i was the heaviest i had ever been, it was my graduating year, i was looking for a job and was always worried about my grades. every time i was stressed or every time i needed to study i bought pad thai and bubble tea. a ritual. i didnt realize how much that had caught up to me until i saw old pictures of myself. at this point, i started my (shitty) job, straight out of graduation.

i actively avoided scales, i didn’t like looking at the number because it just made me upset. and i already felt upset looking in the mirror, i didn’t need something else to make me upset. but i did. and i was 20 pounds heavier than i was in highschool - the heaviest i had ever been.

i cried.

i didnt do much about it. i was too busy. my first job out of uni was a brand new daycare and i was head teacher of a toddler class - also i was the only staff on floor since there were not as many kids. there was nobody to train me, at all. i had to teach myself everything. i had no time. 

a little while before starting the job, i met this guy. he was so hot, but such a dick - we had a “thing” but it was so toxic. he started off interested in me, but i turned him down. his attitude changed and he started being a douche, but we became friends because we were seeing each other so often. i didn’t have a car yet. he was driving me everywhere. he lived 5 minutes away. he was the type of friend that would text me “im outside, lets go out”. we hung out as friends at first, we would have “study dates”, until we started hooking up. we acted like a thing but he denied we were ever one - but got mad at me whenever i tried to look elsewhere. but i guess in that time, it was nice to be wanted, especially by someone so attractive. 

but again, a year in that shithole job went by fast. i would stay late after work. i would come in on weekends. i was expected to not only help new kids transition, but train new partners. and given that my supers refused to support me, i watched a lot of people quit due to pressure. i had to keep retraining. and kids kept coming. that never stopped. i can honestly say my class wasn’t settled until december, and i started in september. everyday it was ‘its fine, it will get better’. 

a year in that shithole, with 0 support, and i lost all the weight i gained - and more. i was the skinniest i had ever been. even in highschool. i looked at old pictures of myself from when i started the job at my heaviest. i couldnt believe that was me. and i was so happy looking at myself in the mirror. for once! 

after i quit that job, i started another job that i hoped would be a happy ending.

and it wasn’t. it stressed me out just as much. i also moved out by this point, a month after i started this job. my hours are whack. 7-9, 11:30-6. i woke up early and got home late. i never had free time. my last shift at my old job was 7-3:30 and i had the whole day to myself. im someone that needs social interaction and alone time, and by the time i got home i was so tired, i would just cook, clean, shower, and go to bed. and that was my life. sometimes i would get so tired that i couldn’t cook, i just went and ate out. i tried to make personal time with my friends after work but by the time i reached their house, it was late, and places were closed. and id have to leave early anyways because i had work early the next day... so fast food was the only way to make this work. on top of this, this was the most difficult class that i had ever had. the kids behaviours’ were so difficult and i couldn’t handle it. i would cry in my car 3x a week. i would cry 4 minutes before my shift starts in the washroom and walk out and pretend i was okay. i would have my boyfriend come over as much as i could just so i could cry in his arms. i couldnt leave this job because i had just moved out and having a consistent rent payment was a huge responsibility for me. as well, if you know anything about ECEs in canada, just know we make shit pay. but this job pays me better than most ECE jobs... by a landslide. AND gives me benefits, which is so hard to find. i am still at this job - i was at my breaking point at the time covid started, so i was rejoicing when we closed for covid. i havent worked since march, but i needed that time off so desperately. 

with that being said, i gained the weight back.

not everything, but i definitely could tell i was packing on some pounds.

cue covid.

i havent worked since march. i fell back into a lazy routine of ordering fast food. lying in bed. resting. just enjoying NOT dealing with my difficult class. 

but i gained it all back. and i think im back at my heaviest weight. i picked up all my summer clothes from last year from my moms... half of them dont fit me. my favourite pair of shorts won’t close. i just sat and cried in a mess of clothes on my floor in front of the mirror. this was last week.

im trying to tell myself, ‘you’re in the middle of a global pandemic, go easy on yourself’... but do you know what it’s like to finally get what you’re chasing, and have it be taken away from you? i finally had a taste of what it was like to look AND feel good about myself. something ive wanted since i was a teenager...and it’s gone. it’s my fault and i accept that, so please don’t tell me i did this to myself. i know i did. but i can still be upset about it. i look in the mirror and i try to suck my stomach in and pretend nothing changed but its not the same. i see old pictures of myself, especially that bikini pic. ironically, i captioned it “i will never have the confidence to take a bikini pic again”... and here we are. i look at the clothes i wore last year and remember how fucking good i felt wearing them. i try putting them back on and seeing my stomach bulging and my arms looking fat and my love handles, something i didn’t see last year. and i just take them off and opt to wear something frumpier that doesnt hug my figure.

i try to tell people about how i feel but i cant take those ‘love yourself and all your flaws’ campaigns seriously. i dont think i can listen to another ‘you have to just keep faking it until you make it and if u just tell urself ur beautiful u will feel beautiful!’

because if you’re me, you know you cant kid yourself. if you’re me you can’t ‘love every flaw’. you fixate on them. and you let them define you. and if youre me, flaws are all you see.

i hate myself for getting back to this point. 

i have a very supportive boyfriend that knows about all this, who is trying to actively get me to go on runs with him. we are trying to go for walks more and be out and about. he reminds me of little things, like if we are getting bubbletea he will suggest i go with less sugar. he is trying, we are trying. and i appreciate him so much.

today i complained in my car about this to my boyfriend, again. for the millionth time. and he still was supportive. but i just feel like i cant keep doing this to him. he said something today, which i think was him trying to give me a reality check to show me that i cant just wish i could starve myself and overwork myself to lose weight and call it a day... but it stung. he said “i don’t want to be with someone that’s not healthy. i have standards too” and i realized then he deserves so much better than to fucking babysit my complaining ass. i am 24. and i shouldnt be putting this on him. he is an adult with problems just as real as mine and i shouldnt be burdening him with this anymore. 

im scared to talk to him about how that comment made me feel, because he’s so right, and he has every right to leave me. i would honestly. the amount that i worry and fixate on all my flaws and complain and have crying breakdowns about this is not fucking normal. and it shouldnt be his problem. i just want him to be with someone that doesnt give him this baggage. he met me in my ‘prime’ days when i just started getting my skinny body last year. when we finally started dating, we were super sexually active. and i mean, having sex like 15 times a week. im not kidding. now we havent had sex in almost an entire month. i dont feel sexy anymore and its impacting my sex drive.. he tries to start it with me and i just can’t because i feel like he is probably repulsed by my body. this is a huge huge huge problem, seeing as sex was a huge part of our relationship (we are very emotionally in tune with one another, but sex was a great addon because we both love it so much). i hate the way i look without clothes on. i cant bring myself to do it because it makes me feel like shit about myself.

but we are moving in together next month. and that is a huge step. and i am worried that i will never change, and he’s going to feel like he’s stuck with me because he’s moving 40 minutes away from his hometown to live with me. i almost want us to break up so he can be with someone with less baggage but i also love him and i want to be better for him and for us. 

someone please help me. 

[rosepetalmark]

Not in the Stars

2.5k words

Renjun x Reader

warnings: alcohol mention

in which you plan to confess your love for your best friend to him at a party, but the universe has other plans in store for the both of you. 

You like Renjun. A lot. 

That was one sentence in your five years of friendship with Huang Renjun that you never thought you’d say to yourself, let alone admit to. 

You don’t know where these feelings came from, but all you know is that they’re strong and on your mind twenty four seven. Everything he says and does captivates your mind, causing your feelings for him to grow even stronger.

It’s as if these feelings for him suddenly hit you like a brick one day. You were strictly best friends last week, and now you have these unexplainable deep feelings for him, eating you alive and begging for you to confess to him.

It’s not that you’re opposed to dating Renjun, it’s just that he’s been your best friend for several years and he means so incredibly much to you. You just don’t want to risk losing him or making things between you two weird if he doesn’t feel the same. 

So you suppress your feelings. As long as you have Renjun as your best friend, that’s all that matters, right?

Jaemin always makes you second guess yourself, explaining that the dynamic duo that you and Renjun are would be ten times more incredible if you were dating. Since you’re already best friends and know everything about each other, why not date? Only bigger and better things can come from it he always says.

Although Jaemin makes strong points, you’re still scared Renjun will turn you away, mainly because you’re ninety nine percent certain that he only views you as a friend, nothing more and nothing less. 

Yeah you have sleepovers  and spend hours late at night talking on the phone with one another, but that’s what best friends do. If Huang Renjun has any feelings for you, you’re sure someone would have said something by now. 

You get the typical stares from old people when you make your daily trek to school in the morning, him waiting outside your house for you at exactly seven forty two, smiling so bright the second you walk out your front door.  

You constantly get mistaken as his girlfriend whenever you go out together on the weekend, which always causes a deep pink blush to appear on Renjun’s cheeks. He’s always quick to brush it off though, making it clear to everyone around you that you’re strictly best friends, and that neither of you view each other in that way. 

Boy is he wrong.

Everything about Renjun makes your heart flutter, and that’s something that scares you.

For starters, he excels so well in school. For someone who spends eighty percent of his time doodling instead of taking notes, he aces every test and can recite every piece of information that’s been discussed in class with no problem.

He’s caring and funny, and so unapologetically himself. He takes you to art museums on your spare time, talks about the latest conspiracy that’s on his mind, and always insists you go for milkshakes every Sunday night.

And boy was he cute. The way he tilts his head all the way back and crinkles his eyes when he laughs makes your heart absolutely melt.

Huang Renjun makes you happy and positive and there’s nothing more in this world that you want than to hold his hand and kiss him in public, as well as call him your boyfriend so bad. 

It wasn’t until you were out late with him, hanging out on the roof at Jeno’s house, trying to escape the loudness that was coming from inside. Jeno was throwing a kickback to celebrate the beginning of summer, something he does ever year, in which there’s always too many people inside, and you and Renjun find yourself on the roof trying to seek solace in the stars. 

Renjun looked so ethereal in the moonlight. There was nothing more that you wanted to do than press your lips ever so gently against his, and hold his hand while staring up at the stars displayed so brightly above you both in the dark sky. 

“What are you thinking about bubs?” Renjun asked, referring to the nickname he gave you when he found out that’s the name you gave your favourite stuffed rabbit when you were a child. 

God the way his voice sounded in this moment made you weak. The tipsiness you both experienced earlier was wearing off, causing your lack of hydration to become present through your raspy voices. 

But you don’t care. You’re with Renjun, and you are warm and comfortable and in love. 

In love. 

You’re in love with Huang Renjun and you can’t keep it in any longer.

Maybe this would be the best time to tell him. Every time you’re completely sober, you push the idea to the side, trying your best to forget your feelings for him even exist. What if Jun doesn’t feel the same? What if he does but months down the line you figure out you’re better off as friends, and then when you try to get back into your non-romantic routine, everything feels off? You always worry that things will go wrong and Renjun will eventually stop being your friend.

Not tonight though. Renjun looks gorgeous in the moonlight and the little bit of alcohol that remains in your system is acting as your source of encouragement, convincing you to confess to him right now and hope for the best outcome possible. 

“Love,” you reply nonchalantly. 

“Love?” he questions, staring back to you, seemingly surprised with your response. 

“Yeah. Just wondering what the universe has in store for me, you know?” you ask, turning your body to face his direction, criss crossing your legs over one another. “The idea of love both intrigues me and freaks me out. It’s exciting anticipating what will come from it, but the fear of something going wrong down the line makes me not want to pursue it, you know?” you say, staring innocently into his eyes.

He cocks his head, an intrigued look falling on his face. He purses his lips, looking as if he’s going to say something, but remains silent. 

You both remain in silence for the next several minutes, which causes your thoughts to wander. What if Renjun has caught on? Maybe he’s thinking of ways to turn you down gently. Or he’s trying to express that he somehow knows you’re talking about him, and he’s trying to do so in a similar manner. 

But the silence is killing you, and you want nothing more than for Renjun to say something. Anything to get your thoughts to shut up, and your heart race to stop rapidly beating.

“I think you shouldn’t be scared of love,” he finally says. 

Taking a deep breath, he looks off into the sky, admiring the many stars laying millions of miles away from you both. “I get that you never know what may come out of it, but I think it’s worth a shot to know you tried, and to experience something you’re not fully sure is going to work,”  he speaks softly.

“Take a look at the universe for example. It’s so big and undiscovered, yet millions of people are fascinated by it. We’re obsessed with the stars and galaxies and the possibility of aliens- which I know for a fact exist by the way, yet we’re not afraid to spend our time discovering them and giving them our attention. I think of love in a similar manner. Yeah the thought seems so broad and scary, as there’s so many things to experience and discover, but I think it’s worth it. You’re only going to learn new things about yourself and life, so why not give it a shot?”

He clears his throat, and pays his attention back to you. He has a look of determination in his eyes, and that only makes you grow even more anxious.

“Aren’t you a wise expert on love, Mr. Huang,” you chuckle.

“Well what can I say? I do a lot of thinking on my spare time when I’m not bickering with you,” he laughs, positioning himself on his arms so he can get a better view of the night sky.

“Hey!” you shout, pushing onto his arm, causing him to lose his newly comfortable position and to fall on his back. “What are you thinking about Ren? You have this sour look on your face.”

“Well your idea of love got me thinking,” he says softly, staring into your eyes.

Nervousness takes over your body. You have no idea what he’s going to say, and every second of silence is eating you up.

“And?” you say abruptly, eager to know what he’s about to say. 

“I’ve been thinking about this for a while now, and I don’t know, I never thought much of it because I’m a wimp, but I think I’m going to ask Yeri out” he confesses, a small smile forming on his face. 

The mention of Yeri makes your heart sink. Yeri. He wants to ask out Yeri. Not you. 

Of course he likes Yeri. What isn’t there to like about her? She’s really pretty and polite, and they’re both the editors of the school newspaper, so they spend a great amount of time with each other. 

God this hurt. 

“Oh really,” you respond, with a less enthusiastic tone replacing your prior happy one.

“Yeah. We’ve been getting to know each other a lot more ever since we got asked to do this editorial on the basketball team, and I think I may have feelings for her”

“Well, um I think you should go for it Renjun, “ you reply, looking off into the stars to help keep what’s happening off your mind. If you look into his eyes, you’re certain you’ll start crying.

If it’s not you, you’re glad he has an interest in a girl with a golden heart and personality. 

“You think? What if she doesn’t like me?” he asks nervously, fiddling with the rings on his fingers.

“Like you said Ren, you never know what will come from love. Why not give it a shot if it’ll lead to potentially greater things not only within yourselves, but life in general? And if she ends up only seeing you as a friend, it’s okay. You’ll find someone one day who loves every part of you.”

And you can’t help but know deep down that that person is you. If Yeri rejects him, you’ll be right here to help him pick up the pieces, if not, you’ll still be here. As his best friend. Renjun deserves all the love and happiness the universe has to offer him, and despite being sad he shows no romantic interest in you, you’re glad he finds it in an amazing girl. 

“Alright cool, I guess I’ll ask her out on Monday when we meet up to discuss the paper then.” he says, smiling to himself. 

He looks so happy. Ecstatic even. You haven’t seen him smile this big since he won first place in your school’s art show.

“She’s here you know, at the party,” you say to him. “You should do it now.”

“You think?” he asks, eyes wide. 

Renjun was never one to act on impulse. He’s a man with a plan, and always has to do things by the book or else he’ll lose his hair. He likes structure and time, a complete flip from your bold and impulsive self. 

“Yeah, why not? You’re both here, you look really cute right now, and the stars are out in your favour, shining bright to provide you with the courage to do so.” 

This makes Renjun smile. You’ve always been a help in boosting his confidence, and you’re glad to be of assistance in such a nerve-wracking yet exciting period in his life. 

Standing up, he dusts the possible dirt off his legs. He crouches over, looking into your eyes and grabs your hand. “You’re the best y/n. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“As I with you,” you reply, a soft grin forming from your lips. “Now go downstairs and ask her out before she leaves.”

Standing back up, he begins walking to the door. “I’ll let you know how it goes!” he half shouts, pressing his hand to the door handle,  and making his way back into the house. 

You’re now left alone, on the rooftop, with just the stars and your thoughts. 

Why didn’t you bring up your feelings to him sooner, you thought. Now you’re only left sad and alone, because you were too scared to tell your best friend you’re in love with him. Confessing to him seemed so perfect in your mind a couple minutes ago, but sadly the universe has other plans in store for you. 

You decide to get comfortable and lie down, and begin to look at the constellations that are possibly present within the night sky. You can still hear the loud, most likely drunk people just a floor below you, and the vibration of the music hitting your body despite being away from the noise. But you don’t care. It’s just you and the sky, and you’re doing everything in your power to forget about the party below you, and to focus on the stars. 

As you point out the orion in the sky, you feel a buzz in your back pocket, indicating that you’ve got a text. Reaching for it, you unlock your phone, and see a notification stating that Renjun messaged you. Pressing on the messages app, you click on his name and read the following:

jun bug: she said yes!! we’re going out on tueday after we’re done editing :) (2:17 AM)

“Yes.” Yeri said yes. 

You’re happy for your best friend, but for yourself, you’re heartbroken. The possibility of dating him is now slim to none, especially since a potential girlfriend is in the mix, only making you more sad for yourself. 

You make sure to reply quick, and in a way that’ll make him happy, and hopefully provide you with the positivity that everything will be okay.

y/n: i’m so happy for you ren <3 (2:18 AM)

As you press send, you feel the tears start to slide down your cheeks. You’re happy for him, you really are, but you can’t help but wish that things went differently, and that you were in Yeri’s position. 

But as Renjun said before, love can be scary. It’s a learning experience, and if it doesn’t work out, you just need to take what you can from it, and hope for the best in the future. 

So you’ll take his words, and you’ll try your best to move on. 

It’ll be tough, but you hope to god that one day he’ll just be your best friend, and that this heartbreak won’t last with you forever.