#and anytime a moot on here posts their work I try so hard to sit down and read it!!!

[golmorehotgirl]

I have so much respect for fic writers and feel they are so undervalued it’s crazy !!!! Like the talent it takes and everything they give to the community …. absolute legends..

[thatdisneyboy]

Hey It's Me Again

6/21/2024

I'm gonna start throwing dates on these since tumblr has gotten less user friendly over the years. Haven't done one of these in a while, but it's time. I wanna try to be short. I'm still struggling. Every time I feel like I'm getting better, I actually think about it and I'm maybe worse off. I just know how to hide things better, even from myself. But if I sit with it for long enough, the pain comes flooding back. I don't have any friends to talk to anymore. The one that I had is so busy trying to essential oils, crystals and will everything to be better that she doesn't even talk to me on the human level anymore. She sends me these videos about those things and I just wanna actually talk. Not use this random video that I don't even give a damn about or believe in any way as a jump off point for me to give my thoughts. And then that's the only communication we have now because when I try to start conversations beyond that, I'm met with nothing. So that's been a huge blow to me. It's especially hard because I just learned that one of my moots over on twitter took his own life recently and he had so many friends around him. So anytime I hear about suicide, it does give me pause because I am not in a good place and people like me are higher risk for completing that if we attempt. So it just makes me nervous because it does go through my head when I see news like that.

My job still sucks, but I'm only doing one more year. It's interesting because I was ready to leave at the end of this year. That was actually my plan. But once I talked to my students, one really changed my mind. All of them wanna see me happy and don't want me to continue dealing with the bs that my job puts me through, but one (who will be a senior this year) shifted my perspective a tad. He was one of the main ones telling me to do what I gotta do and he'll be okay. But I saw how disappointed he was that I wouldn't be there for his senior year. And so that made me realize that if I'm gonna leave, I'm gonna do it the right way. I'm gonna approach the school year like it's my last one with them and really make the most of it. I'll get my seniors through to college, get my junior to a steady point, get my sophomores to their upperclassmen years with strong skills behind them, get my 8th graders into HS and have the rest of my kids in a good place moving forward. So hopefully going into the year with a different mindset will help me disengage from the stupidity from upper leadership at this company that I will inevitably have to navigate. So yeah, it's been bad, but I feel at peace. Also because I know I will be reporting them soon and I might bring up a lawsuit. Idk.

Finally, I told Preston that I have a crush on him a few weeks ago. It didn't go bad but it didn't go good either. I would've loved to have had him share similar feelings. He doesn't. Or he didn't really say much other than thank you and that he didn't know. But I kinda just let him know that I had no expectations and he could do whatever he wanted with the information. I'm probably gonna end up alone though. So that does make me sad. But I've been prepared. Kinda felt like there was no one out here for me back in high school. Just never worked out with any of the folks that I liked.

Anyway, that's all. Short little post today. I'm sad. I'm struggling big time. But I'm steel here (s/o to Tisha Campbell). And I'm trying. It's rough, but I'm working on things.