tanpooooo

[tanpooooo]

I'm live on Twitch, come hang out! http://www.twitch.tv/fififi6688?sr=a

[tanpooooo]

Hello very recently I discovered my autosextuality and autoromanticism. But I'm not 100% sure. Because what I want to do is to date or stay with a clone (a complete clone of myself, same look same personality same soul) and only when I look into the mirror I have a strong feeling but when I'm alone the feeling is very frail it's only stronger when I put my effort in thinking about it.

Interestingly I'm straight, but I really want to have sex with myself. I fantacy having sex with my clone. Without fantasying it I can't complete a masturbation just by touching myself with my hands.

And I have an actual love feeling for the "me" or her in the mirror.

Actually I keep asking myself the moral question that if there is an actual complete clone of myself would that still be me or another individual even if we'd think and behave in the exactly same way and would make the exactly same choices?

So who am I in love with, myself or another person that is same as me?

One thing is that I can't actually recognize myself in the mirror. I mean that when I look into the mirror I don't feel that the body that I am looking at in the mirror is myself, it feels like it's just a body. But it's "my" body and that's why I have a feeling for it.

I'm really confused.

At the same time I can fall in love with others with no problems. Ah no, I am very picky hh.

[tanpooooo]

I want to be a model.

[tanpooooo]

Love is giving everything without reservation with the lifetime expectation of receiving something in return while giving up completely the right and action of asking for anything.

[tanpooooo]

Untitled

- January 26, 2019

Oneday, I wanted suddenly to write something for eulogizing and appreciating.

So I dressed myself in a long black robe, walking out along the side of the road;

Looking around from time to time, it seemed that I was searching for something, while there seemed to have been an answer inside it already, for my eyes were actually careless.

But the shine of them never decreased.

For a long time I'd walked and looked around, while what I only really remembered more than other things that I had seen was, the crystal-liked greenery vines, flourished, pouring out of the thick trees beside the road, like waterfalls.

I wondered and wandered, while there seemed to have been an answer inside me, already.

A blast of tender wind floated and blowed straight to my face.

I had a dream that night, in which there you were, right in front, with brillant bright smile all over your face, with hands full of gentle, soft, melting light or flames. Sunshine or something flourishing out from behind.

"Who are you?"

I asked in a low but clear voice like a poem floating on the surface of the water, from the stable darkness, smiling, however. There was a series of tiny active flames jumping and passing through my eyes, evidently, in the very silence like shadows.

You didn't answer of course, but sang a song out of the void.

有一天，我突然想要写下一些语句赞美和感激什么。

于是我穿了一件黑色的长袍，沿着街边行走。

我不断地张望着，似乎，寻找着什么。但我的双眼全然漫不经心。心中似乎已有朦胧的答案。眼中的光泽却从不曾削减。

我走了很久，但似乎唯一能够给我留下些许记忆的，只有那如瀑布般从径旁树丛中涌出的，青翠青翠晶莹的藤曼。仅此而已。

我走着，想望着，可心中似乎已有朦胧��清楚的答案。

一阵微风，飘游着，迎面而来。

那天晚上，我做了一个梦。

梦里，你就站在面前，脸上无边无际的明亮的笑容，手中满溢着光芒或火焰。

你是谁？

我问着，声音细微而清楚，如同漂浮于水面漫散薄透而明亮的诗句。

眼中，了然地，一串如丝般的火焰游跃而过。

你自然没有回答，只在空默中，哼唱了一首曲调。

[tanpooooo]

Fragment novel

- January 26, 2019

Her brooding profound and circuitous eyes went deep into my skin. So I just smiled, just dared to smile, for the fear of any vulgarity that might exist in my words breaking her solemn silence.

He asked me if you loved her afterwards all of a sudden. I suddenly lost my words . Not because of the abruptness of his question. Just felt a deep shock in my heart that seemed to have existed for a long time, which almost made my soul crack into emptiness. So I took an urgent breath and raised up to the sky.

Sitting at the table late at night, the gentle yellow light of the table lamp is scattered on the blank notebook. The sky outside the grey curtains is of glowing dark blue.

I don't dare to approach her again. I'm afraid that my kind of love is too heavy for her lithe, rising soul. But I need to be totally clear about her current situations all the time and make sure she is not in any sort of danger. Otherwise my life would never really be settled.

But how can I do both at the same time? Maybe I can call Jay to look after her closely and keep updating me with her situation. But how can he guarantee that the news he's got is always all true? She is a person extremely subtle with her state, too much changeful, therefore, good at hiding. I'm afraid that no one except me can really see through her emotions. The tiny painful cracks in the joints of her soul. Her smiles with uncomprehendable and hairlike sorrow. These are impossible to be noticed by ordinary people. How can she be fully protected?

What should I do? ?

My fingers deeply reach in and tightly grasp my hair.

Suddenly a most familiar breath keeps getting stronger and stronger starting from the back of my neck. The familiar touch of the skin, which has a tiny indescribable chill than most ordinary people's warm skin, is fully clinging over my left shoulder. The thin heat that she slowly breathes out rushes into the collar of my shirt.

I turn around.

"Good evening, Burn. Why are you still up at this time?"

Raymond - she says with her eyes and the following trembling but firm hug - I don't want to leave you anymore.

（This article is just a story written from the perspective of first-person, so the “I” in the text refers not to the author myself. ）

她迂邃忧伤的眼神深入我的肌肤。于是我只是笑了笑，只敢笑了笑，生怕我语言中可能存在的任何低俗，打破了她庄重的沉默。

他突然问我你爱她吗。我一下子说不出话来。并不是因为他问题的突兀。而是我内心某种仿佛早已存在的至深的东西突然地震动，差点让灵魂俱裂。于是我小心紧急地喘了口气然后仰头凝望天空。

深夜坐在桌前，台灯温和的鹅黄色暖光撒在空白的笔记本上。灰色窗帘外的天空是发光般的深蓝色。

我再不敢靠近她。我怕我的爱对她轻巧的灵魂而言过于沉重。可是我需要时刻得知她的近况，确保她的安全无忧。否则我的生活决不得安宁。

可我怎么同时做到这两点呢？或许我可以叫杰经常照看着她，时刻更新给我有关她的消息。可是他又怎么保证他得到的消息都是真的？她是一个如此多变精细，又因此而善于隐藏的人。我怕除了我没有人能真正看透她的喜怒哀乐，她那摻杂了常人根本无法察觉的难以解读的忧伤的微笑和快乐。

我究竟该怎么办？？

十指深深扣入并抓紧发丝深处。

突然一个再熟悉不过的气息从后颈越来越强烈起来。那熟悉的，比起常人温暖但更多一丝难以言喻的空寒般的温度的肌肤，充实而紧密地靠在我的左肩。她缓慢呼出的微小热气冲进我的体恤衫里。

我转过身去。

“燃，你为什么还不睡？”

雷蒙——她用眼神和接下来颤抖而结实的拥抱告诉我——我再也不想离开你。

[tanpooooo]

- January 26, 2019

When I write out of pain, it's like squeezing the mist of pain at that while floating around in my whole body into a drop of concentrated dark black ink, gathered at the fingertips, then quickly flinging it out from the fingertips getting rid of it. My writings are just the shapes it oozes on the paper.

当我在痛苦时写作的时候，就好像把身体里当下弥散如雾的痛苦用力挤成一滴浓缩的深黑的墨汁，聚集到指尖，从指尖飞速甩出，得以摆脱了它。我写下的字就是它在纸上渗散留下的形状。

[tanpooooo]

- January 26, 2019

I woke up in the early morning, and the morning light passes through my limbs that I haven't fully revived or been filled.The warm feeling of being filled with radiance.Squinting, leaning against the wall, smirking in the first morning light of the yellowing, as if tipsy, curled up hair cast a shadow of a long ellipse in the tender golden morning light on the white wall. Still not fully awake, but I can't fall asleep anymore, and I don't want to, because there is a piano sound, as usual, flipping in from the room next door, with joy.

在清晨里我醒来，清晨的光芒穿透我还未完全苏醒填充的肢体。被光芒满溢的温暖感觉。揉着眼睛，靠着墙微眯着，在泛黄的第一束晨光里傻傻地微笑着，仿佛微醺，翘起的绕成团的头发在白色的墙壁淡淡金黄色的晨光里上投下长长的椭圆的影子。还没醒的样子，可是再也睡不着了，也再不想再入睡，因为呀，隔壁的房间里传来一如既往的钢琴声。

[tanpooooo]

- January 26, 2019

有时候突然感到很无力，感到身体的每一个部分每一寸突然极速不可控地坠落，而惊奇地发现自己仍然坐在原地。

Sometimes I suddenly feel very frail, feel that every part of the body starts to fall all at once rapidly and uncontrollably, while I am surprised to find myself still seated in the same place.

仿佛所有飞舞的光团突然地远去生活突然变成一面垂直高耸而使人疲累的悬崖，使人想立即无悔地死去。

As if all the bright flying balls of light suddenly die away, life suddenly turns into a vertical, steep and exhausting cliff with its top towering beyond sight, which makes want to die desperately and instantly without a single regret.

[tanpooooo]

- January 26, 2019

There's a very interesting little coincidence in my life, that when I was around twelve years old, while listening to the English tape as a good student who would always do even during vacation, I heard a sentence which was read by a gentle male voice: "Love is the answer to every question." Back then I was a rebellious teenager who believed herself to be quite inner-directed and hated those hypocritical love stuff, never read a romantic fiction and looked down upon those girls who were obsessed with them (I still look down on them now though), so when I saw this sentence, since it was quite different, in an indescribable way for the me then, from those love poems which disgusted me a lot, its tone was so firm and self-convincedly gentle that pushed me to think about it before denying it easily, even though after minutes of mildly hard thinking I still refused to accept it as something right, or better, still failed to understand it as an innocent teenager.

But I don't know why this sentence has been stored in me secretly since then deep beneath all of my memories written inside my mind by my life experience all these years, and jumped out these years later all of a sudden into my mind the moment I finally understood it all with burning tears with it becoming one of my lifetime beliefs. And it definitely still has nothing to do with the silly romantic stuff. How would that young child think of the present me though?

[tanpooooo]

- January 26, 2019

I can easily attach to others and establish an important bond that made me inseparable from others. These people can be almost whoever I meet, no matter good or bad. These bonds are like blood vessels that I reach out to others, connecting me to others, making me dependent on them and making them part of my life. They are so easy to build that on average they are built every day, and can even be built within ten minutes while incredibly strong. The results are often the same: people leave me, suddenly disappear in my life, which is like suddenly cutting off my dense blood vessels, blood spilling over my eyes and heart. But these vessels never stop reaching out and I can't control. And they keep being cut off over and over. And the only way to make me feel better and less painful after one being cut off is to start a new one right away.

This reminds me of Prometheus on the stone cliff.

But what did I make wrong that makes me deserve the same punishment like his?

我很轻易就会依恋他人，建立起一种重要连结，这些连结使我与他人不可分离。这个“他人”可以是我所认识的，不分好坏的任何人。它们如同我伸向他人的血管，把我和他人连接在一起，使我依赖他们，使它们成为我生命的一部分。它是如此容易建立，以至于平均每天我都会与人建立这样的关系，甚至可以在十分钟之内建立起对我而言非常紧密的关系。而结果往往是一致的：人们离开我的生活，在我的生活里突然销声匿迹，这就好像突然把我的这些密集的血管砍断，鲜血洒满我的双眼和心。但是它们从来不停止向外伸长，而又不停被砍断。我无法控制。而一条血管被斩断的唯一让我好过一些的方式就是立即去建立一个新的连结。

这让我想起石崖上的普罗米修斯。

但是我究竟犯了什么错而要受到和他一样的惩罚呢？

[tanpooooo]

- January 26, 2019

"Come on, the frosty winter is fluttering outside the window like a huge flag. Let's get together.

“当你离开我的世界的时候请踮起脚尖。

" When you leave my world, please walk on your tiptoe.

[tanpooooo]

- January 26, 2019

2018, is a year of absence.My absence from a lot of classes, absence from a lot of activities, events, absence from a lot of things I needed to do, absence from life, absence from time, and absence from myself.

2018,是缺席的一年，我缺席了很多课，缺席了很多场活动，缺席了很多我本需要做的事情，缺席了生活，缺席了时间，缺席了我自己。

Year 2018, this number is so hollow for me that I feel so unfamiliar and unaccustomed when I am looking at it right now and I wasn't aware of it until now. Unlike 2017, a full, reminiscent, fully filled number which did leave a powerful real print in my life. While 2018, like a piece of air floating sweeping swaying across high above, as if in this number I was absent from the world, or, it is just the fact. A fear emerges. Everything in 2018 has never been related to me, and it is actually the case. I walked like in a dream in this year, at somewhere unknown, an empty zone outside the world, past the whole year. It then becomes a section of air in my veins, a complete blank in my memory, and an unutterable vacancy in my sensation. An erratic, floating, flashing, vague dream.

2018这一年，这个数字对我而言是如此空洞，以至于此刻我真正看到它时我感到陌生和不习惯。不像2017，一个充实的，充满回忆的，被满满填充的数字，在我生命里着实有力地落下印记。而2018，仿佛一段空气高高地从我头顶飘过去，仿佛在这个数字里我缺席了世界，或者不是仿佛，就是事实。我感到一种恐惧油然而生，2018里的一切从未和我有关过，而实际也的确如此，我恍恍惚惚如同在梦里行走般地走过了这一年，在世界之外的一个空无地带走过了这一年。成为我血管里的一段空气，回忆里的一段空白，感受中的一段难以言说的空缺。一个飘忽的梦。

[tanpooooo]

- January 26, 2019

There is a language called Silence.

I speak it very well, it can be considered as a second mother tongue of mine. I don't know exactly from where I learned it, but maybe from some songs, poems, stories, movies and life that I have listened, read, watched and experienced.

It's a most beautiful language, and very useful. Like every language, it can express some things that all the other languages can't. But there's a distinction that, it can express the deepest feelings in the world which any other languages can never make it. So if all the other languages ​​in the world can be replaced, Silence is irreplaceable. It has penetrated into my life, into my writings, and into every language that I often use, like every language that I often use.

But seldom do I meet people who understand it as well as I do.

So everytime when I speak it, some people feel unbearable, some feel annoyed, some try to prevent me from using it, some even threaten me. These are normal things that most people would do when they stay with someone who keeps speaking a language that they don't understand.

And, it's also a very normal thing that you'll feel lonely when you can't find anyone who speaks the same language as you do. When I am eager to have someone talk to me in Silence, I can't find anyone, and feel at sea.

So I am searching for Silence speakers desperately.

If you are one of those who I've been looking for, please let me know as soon as possible. As soon as possible.

Let's keep in touch. Let's spend some time talking in Silence together.

[tanpooooo]

- January 26, 2019

Sometimes she is able to feel his breath, very strongly. Very strongly. So much so that breathing will be extremely bluntly painful, sharp and delicate, as if tears will spew from any possible holes.

Sometimes this feeling can last for a long time, and more often, even when she doesn't have time to realize it, they are fleeting.

She would stretch out her empty hands in the deep darkness, or when facing the wide wild blinding light wanting desperately to grasp something.

She turns the music to the maximum at these times.

Feeling the emerging of the thick heavy wings behind her. That the whole world is holding her tightly.

He is the world.

Of course you exist. She says.

Otherwise, what is the significance of my existence? She smiles. There is a thing that is very similar to pain, or there is a kind of pain, from the very distant depth, or actually also seeming to be so close, touches, so hard, her heart of distorting layers, to lay a finger on its deepest truest painful part deep inside which keeps burning fiercely. To genuinely let her feel its real existence. To tell her something from which words are far from being able to form.

She doesn't know how to... so she smiles. And knits her brows tightly. Tears are like the falling darkness in the early summer evening.

Although she has always been alone, from the very beginning of the memory of her whole life.

II

Sometimes she feels it's so near, very near, so much that as if it were chewing all her sorrows painfully, swallowing them into a black hole.

有时候她能够，无比强烈地感受到他的气息。无比强烈。以至于呼吸都会如此，钝痛，尖锐而细腻，仿佛泪水会从任何的可能的孔洞中喷涌出。

有时这种感觉有时能持续很久，更多的时候，甚至很多她都没来得及意识到的时候，它们转瞬即逝。

她在��沉的黑暗中，或是茫阔的逆光里伸出空空的手想要紧紧握住。

她在这些时候把乐声开到最大。

感觉她背后显现出厚重的翅膀。感觉整个世界紧紧拥住她。

他就是整个世界。

你当然存在。她说。

不然我的存在有什么意义呢。她笑着。有一种极其类似疼痛，或者有一种疼痛，在深远处，又仿佛如此近地，重重地抚摸着她层层失真的心，想要触碰到那最深处伤痛着却不停熊熊燃烧着的真切，以让她感受到它的存在。想要告诉她一些言语远不能诉说的。

她总不知道该怎么…于是微笑着，紧紧皱着眉头。眼泪如同初夏傍晚降临的黑暗。

虽然一直以来她都独自一人。

Ⅱ

有时她无比真切地感觉到很近了，很近，近得仿佛在把她的所有悲伤痛苦地咀嚼，一丝一丝吞进黑洞。

[tanpooooo]

- January 26, 2019

I sit in the silent air and the warm sun in the late autumn

Numerous leaves fall in the breeze all of a sudden

While I don't know but just feel like a part of them

So I don't even make a sound

我在静默的空气和秋末的暖阳里静坐

突然微风里许多的叶子纷纷落下

我感到仿佛是它们的一部分

我于是不动声色

[tanpooooo]

- January 26, 2019

I could suddenly feel something burning fiercely deep inside me

So violently but still and firm

Like a frozen fire

It is so strong and permanent

So intense that I would easily ignore it

Since it almost takes up all parts of my life,

penetrates and fiils all the cracks

in my world

I feel like a poem

I'm written by a hand which has already disappeared

When these long-stored lights inside me breathe lightly

I feel my breaths are cautiously curbed

But my tears burst out

What is it

Who can tell me

" Some say the world will end in fire ,

Some say in ice .

From what I ‘ve tasted of desire

I hold with those who favor fire.

but if it had to perish twice ,

I think I know enough of hate

To say that for destruction ice

Is also great

And would suffice .——Robert Frost"